The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Andy's Studio

Episode Date: May 19, 2023

The Bonfire takes over Radio Andy's Studio!

Hey everybody, I'm Bobby Kelly. And it's Big J. Okreson. We're actually a full radio show on Series XM, not just the podcast. Hey, guess what? For full episodes of the Bond Fire, you can listen on the Series XM app. Go to seriesexm.com slash Bond Fire for a special offer. And now, the Bond Fire with Big J. O'Cerson and Robert Kelly. What's up everybody?

How are we doing? There's an article in the New York Post today that says we're going to have the most brutal summer ever horrible humidity and terrible rain, which put me in a foul mood all day. I don't remember when I started letting weather bum me out. It may be because I view it as a sign of the planet falling apart, and as a precursor of the upcoming apocalypse. Or maybe I'm just Perry men appausal. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Where are we everybody? We're back. It's the lost tapes, of course. It's the bonfire, and we are back in radio, Andy Studio. Whoa! So you know, I like to catch you up and a little of some of his books and what's going on. These are best sellers, Bobby.

These books. Yeah, I know. Could you imagine? There was an Urban Bear Festival happening on the same block as the dog run. So I saw a lot of heavy-set Harry men who perhaps subliminally inspired me because I ate like a pig all day.

Starting with Bubbies, some midday rosé with Joe and dinner at the new Il Molino which Jimmy and Nancy Fallon. Ooh! Ooh! I actually posted that dinner. I couldn't help myself.

Maybe I want to look like a bear at the Met Ball tomorrow. Jimmy has reached an entirely new level of fame and popularity because of the white hotness of the tonight show. He's like the mayor, super-sized, or SJP at the height of SATC. And he is super nice to everybody, which is a testament to him. Yeah, good, Jimmy. Good good Jimmy. Good for Jimmy. Good for Jimmy. What a good guy.

I, those circles sound so horrible to me. Those like, everyone's like, it's like, I'm sure they're all good people. There's nothing to do with that. It's just the thought of sitting in a circle like with my new friends. Having brunch? Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy found an Andy Cohen.

Yeah, having a brunch in a rosé with Sarah Jessica Parker. It makes me want to see if I can fit my own fist down my throat. I would do it in two seconds. Hollywood Bob is waiting to come out. I know, y'all. Hollywood Bob is burning a hole inside me. I can't wait. I love to be on a yacht with fucking Rosie O'Donnell.

I've been practicing smiling for more than 20 minutes. It's hard. It's hard. It's gotta be really hard. I've been practice smiling for more than 20 minutes It's hard. It's gotta be really hard. I've got a stories. I started out. I started out at 30 seconds It's all I could do but then I work my way up to I can do 20 minutes of pure Smile, okay, we can you see something Bobby? You're on a yacht right now. Yeah, okay? You're out there your party. SJP's there. Hey, what's up, SJ? Um, who else? Matthew Broderick's even stopping by. Brodo! Oh, what's up?

Brodo, over here. Hi. Two of the real housewives of Atlanta, Nini Leaks and the other one. Nini, what's up? We're good to see you. You look so good. What is that?

Is that you? You smell fantastic. Oh my God. Now, and then Andy walks up and he goes oh Bobby today. I went to Ellen Barkin's mother's funeral and it was a killer. Oh, she was loved by a lot of people and I couldn't stop crying They're filming the normal heart on my block So I decided to bring walk into Joe Minton L.O.'s trailer said hi to Ryan Murphy and Salt Taylor Kitch walk into Joe Mintonello's trailer. Said hi to Ryan Murphy in Saltailer Kitch, but was too freaked out to move. Even with a bad blonde dye job, he is so hot.

Clear eyes, full hearts, dye job, still hot. I went to Barkens for Shiva, and then went and did my show with Fedra and the preachers from thicker than water. Then afterwards, I brought walk into the shiva at 1 a.m. to pay his respects. The vibes of the shiva had definitely changed for the drunker. Yep. Yep.

I didn't stop smiling. It looked real. He did the whole time? Did it look real? Yeah, I got it, dude. I'm up to 20 minutes. It hurts right now because I haven't done it in a couple. The smile looks real, but the interest doesn't.

The interest watch. Yeah, it is. You were looking at it. You were reading. Was he giving some changes of like, that's crazy. Oh, walk up like when he hears the dog's name. Oh, yeah, I didn't want it to rub because that's rude. You know what I mean? Hey, rude. Welcome to the bonfire, everybody. Today's going to be a great day. Oh, you know what Jay real quick. This is awesome One two one two three and boom Scott boom boom Jay could you please? We had a bet I should do it all week. Nope one day right now I'm sure in the studio. You should have his life. Oh, you motherfucker. You do it all week. Do it all week

Here we go one two three four and fingers I want the fingers no I want better fingers than that fuck the sixes uh smile Jay smile no, I want you knees up higher go fuck the six higher. Yeah, the higher higher come on Mumpin Go fuck the sixes you smile Turn that found upside down Jason. Yeah, that's it. Oh Don't fuck the six is all right sit down. That's enough, that's enough, that's enough. That's enough. Oh, every day you've done this. Thank you, Jay.

You okay? Yeah. That's it. That's the last time you have to do it. That's the last time. It's all over. It's all over. Yeah, to the other people at home.

It's all over. It's just starting for me. Dude, what a day yesterday. Yeah, yeah, it was a roughy Today we're doing our pre-record again from radio Andy studio. Um, we special Monday on a very special Monday Special Monday not even Tuesday everybody terminator timelines are all whacked out. It's all right Kyle Reese will be born at this point We had where's the sheets? The black

Lou said, they're right in front of you. Nope, it was all the way over there. Is in both TVs are linked up, right? So we'll be good for Bobby to see everything. What's going on? I feel you have something surprised for me. I do. From other's day, it's a video I have of your mom taking on three of the biggest black eyes ever. Now, hear me out. Okay, she had a lovely time. All right, that's great. She didn't get hurt. I'm a three of the biggest black eyes ever. Now, hear me out. Okay. She had a lovely time. All right, that's great.

She didn't get hurt. Mama bear of the jerk off party. Hey Melissa. Hey Melissa. My mom is the mama bear of the jerk off party. She just brings treats. She doesn't get involved. I'm gonna give her that new nickname when I talk to her.

Mama bear. Mama bear. Mama bear. What's that short for you? Don't worry about it don't even worry about that so as we said we are trying to catch you up Bobby on some of the context that the crew has of some of the characters on the show because some of these people are prepared at any given time to pop out of the clear blue and drop some new heat or drop some new life changes.

Number one on our list here, I see a submarine before you start playing your stuff. Did black loose say, am I crazy, that some of rain's asking about, or is that you Jacob, thinking about getting involved in only fans? Lose up, he's here. Where is he? He's not? There we go. He's home today though.

Oh, you made it. Go ahead. You meet yourself. They go. Uh, no, I have not seen that actually. That wasn't me. So I did see her try to get really religious and then not religious anymore. She is not religious anymore now. No, she's kind of took all that stuff down. I think she got taken for a loop. Someone sent me a message that jolly cat he saw jolly cat like a month ago was like big J loves your song What's happening? Get rid of the audio. Yeah, sorry. I thought the audio. I don't think that fixes it. I mean Just cut us some slack. It was a long weekend. The Uber was nuts. She looks beautiful today Long weekend. She did have a long weekend, the Uber was nuts. She looks beautiful today. Christine, did a long weekend.

She did have a long weekend. She never, one weekend, it wasn't to do anything, it was where she stayed home. What are you talking about? She stayed in the house. And did stuff. She had to do stuff in the house. Christine.

I did have to do stuff. Yeah. Yeah, Christine, what did you do? You had a lot of stuff. I'm mainly computer work. And I did go out and do a couple of things this weekend, but I went and described it as a long weekend. I agree. Jay, Jay, what is that? Hey, your face is just like that. I just look back at the time. You should not have a long weekend.

That's pretty relaxing. You did? You had a good, oh, so you didn't do anything. So he's right. Almost nothing. I mean almost nothing. I got home. I got home. I'm not talking about it. Well, was your house super clean and food was unstable? Yeah. What happened was your hot food was unstable. It was pancakes, every Sunday we have pancakes on day. So when I got home, she saved me pancakes and bacon.

Aww. The big fluffy ones though. That's sweet. Oh, that was so good. I just don't like working that hard for it. That's all right, Christine, you'll get there. You know, maybe if you had a ring on that finger, you'd do a little more. No. Did you get pancake breakfasts before you had a son? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The one starts from the 50s. Yeah. Don likes a man. You have to provide you a child.

Yeah. So you get a breakfast. No, no, I know. Crazy. That was a crazy thing to say. That was a batch, I think to say. Yeah, like she only does it for Max. Is that what you're saying? She doesn't love me, Christine? You're saying that my wife doesn't love me, Christine?

No. She couldn't imagine taking care of someone that well. Right, because you can even process it. Right, she couldn't even get it through her. Maybe you read about her. I'm completely right about her. The world will see. I've told her that several times in private.

I'm like, the world will see what you are, Christine. They'll find out. You had a lot of stuff. I guarantee she did computer work. That sounds hard. She says so, yeah. What's computer work? Did you fix computers?

Nope. Did a CD-ROM break and you had to get a CD-ROM out of a computer? No. What does computer work? She sends emails, by the way, yeah, whenever we're watching something, it's hilarious, or I'm talking to her, or saying something and she's looking at what's happening. Sorry, I'm trying to figure it out.

And she's looking at TikTok or Instagram or whatever. The studio is hard. Yeah. The studio wants to be in echo. When it has, when she doing that, I go, did you ask to watch this or whatever, and you're on Instagram and she goes, no, no, I got lost. She goes, no, I did that. I got hung up.

I was checking an email and then I got lost in this. I'm like, what is checking an email to do with being on Instagram or TikTok at all? It's the complete checkout. Yeah, so that's the computer work would be my guess. She sends an email and then looks at TikTok most of the time. No, there you go. Yeah! Chinese one.

Chinese one. China one. China one. Absolutely, they got Christine all gripped up. You know, you know, Don's TikTok name is? Didn't have one. Doesn't have one. She shouldn't.

She doesn't have a Twitter either. Yeah, Christine's gonna have sizzle eyes from looking at that thing. She's gonna have ADHD. Yeah, and then she goes, you know, she's the most susceptible person to like advertising on some stuff to the Facebook and shit.

Yeah. But the only thing, the only thing she hasn't purchased is the flat sheet ironer. What? What? She showed it to me. She goes, look at that. We were talking about, look, they actually have a machine

where you don't have to take them even off the bed. Yeah. You can just iron right across with this machine, like this steam thing. Hasn't ordered that. But every weekend we're on the phone three times, she goes, I just got packages. The wacky shoe thing I got just doesn't work.

My body holster that's like out for some reason is in here. My body holster vest just showed up. And I didn't, is anything for that? Have it a broom. A broom in the house would be great. You don't have a broom? No.

You have a broom. We do not have a broom. You don't have a broom and when I'm gone Christine doesn't touch the vacuum I know I look at the dirt in the back and this vacuum thing and it's never moved Remember I was at this boy's life. I know he's on the TV because I feel the box top and it's always hot Damn good movie the Nero is hot. Damn good movie, the Nero. Yeah, no, she pretty much just kicks it on the weekends. So when Jay leaves Christine, you do, you just, that's your vacation time. I think what it looks like is happened is she bites our dog on the ear. So it bleeds hot and then the dog shakes it everywhere and then Christine goes, our walls aren't always speckled completely with blood stains. What the fuck? Oh, shit, I didn't even notice that.

Did you notice it all along the back of here? Oh my God, I didn't even notice it over there. And all along the wall and the elevators in our building. I'm a throch. I didn't even know. That's crazy, is that? Do you think that's from that? Dogs got an ear cut.

Why did you buy the ear? No, she didn't buy the ear. The dog has a cut on here. They take forever to heal because they scratch themselves and they knock the scab off So I started putting a bandaid over it Christine started putting a bandaid over it too, but the thing is when the dog doesn't have a bandaid on it She'll shake and that blood goes all over

Christine got me you know she got me for Christmas sure Christine shaking her her vagina Maybe I don't that by them. No, that's all the blood in the bathroom. Good thing. Wait a bring that up, Bobby, too. That's the bathroom where they're fucking vampire shells. A blood she pulls out of her fucking snatch. She doesn't know how to get that all in the toilet either. My house is covered in blood, like a scene. She got me a collectible for Christmas. That was the big present she got me was a...

Dexter? No, it was a book. In this. And it's like big awesome. It's like made almost of like turnbuckle material, the outside case. And it's the rock. How do you modern a murder? I'm not a fucking steak, I felt. It's a it's a rocky. So it's all it's like a picture book. It's a coffee table book of all the rocky stuff and liner notes and things from like a. Sounds fun. So that's just a lot. Yeah, it's awesome. It's got this beautiful case. She goes, we should display it right here next to the TV. The dog splattered blood all over this. It's it's the as a collectible. It's useless. I better read the book because it ain't ever being sold for any kind of money and it just stays there covered in blood.

So now it's the book from the evil dead. Yeah, now's the book of the dead the necronomicon. It's the necrotic root teeth And Christine made it come to life. Yeah, once it tasted blood with dog blood If Christine got possessed by Satan and you came home or the devil or demon what would you do? I'm not convinced she's not What would I do? I'd find out I'm always about to pass it a long spell. What's the spell where I can throw this to somebody else? I would just call her dad and big. Oh, Christine must come visit and then send demon over there. Yeah, now so what any way long story short Christine's weekend wasn't long. It was fine and relaxing and void of almost anything. Wow. Short answer. Well, Don had a sleepover with Max and his friend Jane.

She, I, she, what she let Max have a sleepover. Yep. Okay. With Jane, the wording you said it, she had a sleepover with Max and his best friend. And something they're all like doing stuff to late night. You still awake? Yeah. What are you thinking about right now? You know, it's funny.

I came home on Mother's Day yesterday. You know, Don had out pancakes for you. She had pancakes for me in bacon and bacon. Very mother's day. Perfect. But she had the, she had the water hose. Power washer. She had the water hose. Power washer.

She had the power washer out, she was just gonna power wash the house. Yeah. Passive aggressive. She was gonna power, no, she wanted to do it. She wanted to do it, I'll be honest, cause it does look fun. Powering things fun.

Yeah, it's gonna be fun. It looks satisfying. Yeah, she was like, I'm gonna, I go with it's mother's day. She goes, yeah, I'm in the mood. So I came home, not only was it pancakes in bacon, by wife on Mother's Day was power washing the house. Yeah, that's pretty wild.

Christine, through the laundry, you didn't almost dry it. I went over and I touched her crotch. I'm like, is it a packet down there? What's going on? You got a, you got a, what are you, a little Becca? If you were probably wondering why I didn't dry, the first times because the lint thing was completely full over the top.

But that's an argument. Oh, that's nothing. Don had the guy come over and fix the back of the dryer and put instead of the hose going up to the roof, we can't clean it. She had him put a whole new one in, so it goes outside so that we can actually clean. That's pretty awesome.

Our air conditioner in our room is like funky. Something's a little wacky with it, especially on the auto function. And the people who fix it are right downstairs and they'll come whenever you call for that. She had not made that call just yet. But. Well, there's probably a damn good reason

why she didn't make the call. She was talking and then it said any email. She did some computer stuff. There was blood. She was harvesting blood withalkins. I think she's so in thought in the book. I need to start figuring out something to do to occupy myself a little bit more on the weekends because I started to just kind of like get in a blood off the wall.

Well you start with getting that blood off the wall. Well you start with getting that blood off the wall. You start with getting that blood off the wall. We're socially. Yeah. And so I stay home and I think I probably do spend too much time on TikTok. I'll tell you what you need to do Get that blood off the wall. It would be a nice. I'm gonna throw up I've been scrubbing blood off of our wall

I'm gonna take this time because this goddamn dog's ear keeps opening up and splattering blood everywhere But I'm the person that claims it will get the cone Definitely I clean plenty of it. Put the cone on the dog's head for a month. That doesn't Fix it. They have it hits the cone. We are super head for a month. That doesn't fix it. It hits the cone. We need a super glue to the same shot. Here's what you do. You know the neck, the neck things you put on the airplane, that you wrap around your neck.

Yeah. They have make those for dogs. We have one. That goes around the dog that's shaking. It's the shaking and the ear. Is this when she shakes her head around? When she shakes her head around. Oh, then get rid of the dog.

Get rid of it. I mean, it really has been a nightmare. I thought you could take dog to get a stitch. We said that when you look at the cut, it's not something that is really a stitch. That was the stitch she was going to take that dog over to the stage and get a stitch. And then I guess you got lost in TikTok and that email. I already took her to the vet about it once,

but it's kind of more like a raspberry than something needs to be stitched. It's like a scrape, not a cut. So it's just a nightmare, it's a nightmare situation. Well, why don't you tape the whole ear up? I'll give you some hostage tape, you can stick it on there. The band-aid's work? Yeah, put the band-aid on. Yeah, we have to do that.

You know, you should do take the dog out for long walks. She does take dog out for walks. Long walks. I go to the West Side Highway. That's what I do. You know what you should do? Did you go down to the, what's that Highly? Highly?

That too. Go down there and you can play Highly, which is a great Cuban game. You could play Highly. I was thinking maybe she could let us just do some Highly and then go to the Highly. You know, I go like 57th to 72nd back. It's like 30 blocks.

Yeah. You want a friend? Why. No, I go like 57th to 72nd back. It's like 30 blocks. Yeah. You wanna run? Why don't you come up and visit us? I think I'm supposed to have kids at this age. What it is. I think when you're a 37 year old woman, you're supposed to have to be like raising ladies. You're gonna have kids, that's your excuse

to not hit the gym. Oh! Oh! What are you gonna do? No, feed the kid pancakes. Oh! Oh! You're gonna let the kid die on a vine. I'm like, I'm just hit the gym. Oh! Oh! What are you gonna do? Not feed the kid pancakes? Oh! Oh! Are you gonna let the kid die on a vine?

I'm like, I'm just trying to find more work. I'm like, I need to pick a more work on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. At Christine, you know what? When he goes on the road, that's your time to chill. But don't get to sad and depressed. Sometimes they won't make the bed til like, afternoon. Whoa.

Oh yeah, no, no. Christine, are you knowing that? Knowing that, I, no. You're seeing a phone call. Does that have any you? No, like knowing that? I mean, you're not there to experience it. Just knowing that some, you're in Charlotte, but you're better's unmade at 3 a.m. I mean, my bed in Charlotte's made.

That's all it matters. No, no, you're, knowing that you're sitting in your hotel room, but back at home, your bed is unmade. No, this isn't bothering me at all. What hits me is I'll not going Sunday when I come home and I go, oh man, I gotta walk around my house and shoes. Again, what else my socks are gonna be furry

because Christine didn't vacuum for sure. Very socks. So I gotta walk around my house and shoes. So I gotta excite because I'm like, oh, the weekend I can walk around and socks. House literally because of how you are and because of what you've done to me as a person. The house gets vacuumed.

Like before you get picked up, before I leave to pick you up, the house gets fucking vacuumed. I had a girl. I mean, it's like living with mommy dearest. You have fear. It is mommy dearest. There's a time, there's a clock that goes off

and he's on his way home. He's Jake from home. If you didn't get all the stuff done, you probably panic. I remade the whole bed in the guest room. We're calling Mommy Gears. We're calling Mommy Gears. We're calling Mommy Gears. We're calling Mommy Gears. We're calling Mommy Gears.

We're calling Mommy Gears. We're calling Mommy Gears. We're calling Mommy Gears. We're calling Mommy Gears. We're calling Mommy Gears. We're calling Mommy Gears. We're calling Mommy Gears. We're calling Mommy Gears.

We're calling Mommy Gears. We're calling Mommy Gears. We're calling Mommy Gears. We're calling Mommy Gears. We're calling Mommy Gears. We're calling Mommy Gears. We're calling Mommy Gears. We're calling Mommy Gears. We're calling Mommy Gears. We're calling Mommy Gears. We're calling Mommy Gears. He's got a very, I mean, if you're gonna clean something start with the blood I think that's a thing do it right. That's in a cleaning manual start with the blood and work you way down to the dust I think

But it's similar you need those cleaners that John Wicke gets after he has a blood bath and you need the wolf now It's being over exaggerated what I would require to be happy Christine's particularly like Not give a shitty a battle of it like we have a couch. It's a pretty expensive couch. We got That things a pile of shit at this point of stains and all kinds of stuff just because Just like I still you know one reasons, but it's just like a All shitty Well, I mean that happens coaches. My coach is dirty. I got an expensive coach, and I have a nine-year-old too.

That's been fucking with it for nine years. Yeah. So. That is a lot too, I'm furniture. Nine-year-old puppy spend, I think. I came home yesterday with a tent on the coach. An actual tent. An actual, he built a tent for a fortress.

And I wanted to watch the game. Right. So I had to dismantle a fortress. Destroy a had, and I wanted to watch the game. Right. So I had to dismantle a fortress. Destroy a fortress. I had to destroy his kingdom. That he created over the weekend. Is it over the giant boulder? Yeah, and I came in and he goes,

Dad, where's my fort? I'm like, it's gone. The king came back. Okay, that's what happened. The king came back and took down your fortress. Prince. The king has returned. The king has returned. I'm just fortress Prince the king has returned the king has returned Justice is about to be served. Yes. Yeah, damn right. That's right Jacob. Justice is about to be served. Um, yeah

Yeah, but I but I had a good weekend. Oh good Oh, what was you? That's great. You had a good weekend. I had a good weekend too I want to ask your questions sir sure So you're basically I'm going to bonfire, get in a bonfire, bachel degree. Yeah. You're going to go back and you're going to teach me all the things I need to know so that we can still have fun with other things.

This is just some of our musical acts. Okay, great. What I love, I'm a big, big fan of myself, and I think the crew has gotten pretty on board, and I think you will love, is I like full confidence and excitement and belief in yourself with minimal to no talent. It makes me, it just excites me. It describes most of your friends.

Sure. Trying really hard and giving everything you got. And it just being terrible. That's my that's pretty. That's my last bachelor. That's kill box. Lucy Keita. A couple right now. A lot of confidence for a fucking fat fuck. Have you seen how fat I am? I can't watch it. I'd got to be rough. I bet buddy. I also probably feels good though. You're like, well, I'm so far from that.

I know, but if I waited just a few months, I could have not as been as, I mean, it's wild. Wait, I'm an ex-special. It's gonna be called Front teeth. So yeah, some of these, and we have a lot of these here who are people, is Lisa Gail a doctor now? What did you hear that? Did you hear that? What was that, you're stomach? who are people, is Lisa Gail a doctor now? What did you say? Did you hear that?

What was that, your stomach? It was the demon inside of me. So you're demon? Yeah, that's my protein demon. Because I don't need a regular meal until like three. Try that, try that. Try to get skinnier. Yeah, I feel you dog.

Thanks man. I gotta compliment this weekend, Anyways, I'll tell you Oh, yeah, tell me on the live on the live on the live now Jacob We don't have to do these any particular order do you have the paper also? In front of you over there. Oh Here's one Do you have one also for yourself? Oh, yeah, I don't need Clip notes I'm not cliff notes. I'm saying more for like making a

decision on who you'd like to jump into first because there's some really, there's some real deep dive people in here and there's some people that are just like a throwout like we could just like you know, Amy, Amy but baby, I would assume Bobby's already familiar with in the world. I'm not this was pretty. I'm not. I think when you hear the song, you'll be like, oh yeah.

Okay. Oh yeah. Now, you know this. Now, I've told you this before, I retain. No. The part of my brain that retains things, is dead. It's gone.

I don't retain anything. I've met people, and then two minutes later, forgot their name. Like, I don't retain. I don't know what happened to me. I think it was maybe I got trauma, head trauma, I got kicked in the head a couple of times, but I think I'm slowly becoming stupid because I don't retain anything. So I'll see something and be like, oh my god,

this and then I'll forget it. I don't remember. My retention is pretty bad too. I'm very big on and thank you streaming services and fuck you if you don't do a recap before every episode. And you should recap the things that are gonna be pertinent to this upcoming episode. Handmaid's tailed a good job at that Jacob. It really did. So what do you think Jacob? If you were gonna throw a dart here to say,

let's get the This is the first person you should see catch me outside Bobby definitely knows her I don't know that's the catch me outside from Dr. Phil Oh, yeah, catch me outside how about that and then and then she became an actual recording star now She hasn't only fans and she shows her nipples just the nip Just definitely some definitely some side flap, like some definitely like crammed up or a huge side flap for sure.

Can we set it only fans for just my dead toenail and something of yours that you don't like? Close up of my asshole. Yeah, let's like things we don't like about ourselves. And we call it, we just call it the good, the bad and the ugly. Obviously toenail and asshole, it the good, the bad, and the ugly. Obviously, Tony Allen asked what Mj's has all. Yeah, just the ugly, because my toenail has done something, it's turned into something else.

Something happened to it. You paint it though. But it's become something else. I don't know what's going on with it. It's different material now, you mean? Can I show it to you? No. Okay. No.

I mean, yes, ultimately, believe me, prepare. It's, it's, oh man, that'll be a lot. I mean, I need you to look at it, because I want you, if we're gonna do this together, if we're gonna be, it's gonna be sweaty. If we're gonna do this, dude, you should know me. I don't wanna do it. You should know all of me.

I'll see it, I'll look at it. You look at it right now. I'll get it right now. You will, okay. Oh God. Jacob, so worried. Okay. I'll come over to you.

Okay, you come over to me. I'm gonna hide it under the table and then you come over. Jacob, will you disinfect it first? No, you can't touch it. You can't touch it. It's clean. No, I know, I was just thinking, I thought it'd be funny if Jake went over

and wiped it down with one of his wife. Yeah, maybe you should do that, You're right. I'm not doing that All right, here it is. Jay. I just took my sock off. We're ready to go. I'll come over there You're gonna come over. Yeah, you're gonna come over and this toenail something happened to it So I became something else like it was dead, but now it's Something happened Jay's walking over the table right now. It's a pretty long walk It is a long walk. It's a long one. You're like that You're like the horde and unbreakable. You're becoming something. Do you want to feel it? No

Get you feel it. It's clean. I know it's clean, dude. I won't I won't though. All right. I want you to close your eyes close your eyes Close your eyes. Keep close close. Touch me with it. I'm not Close your eyes close your eyes close your eyes keep close close touch me with it. I'm not I'm not that guy. I'm not I don't like I don't like fucking shitty pranks. Okay. I'm not gonna do I just need you to keep your eyes closed. Okay, you ready? All right. All right. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I gotta get my phone. I need my phone. You need to see it. Where's my phone. No, no, no, no, no, no, don't turn the lights up because that will be scary. All right, ready? Mm-hmm. Go ahead. I can look now. Go ahead, look. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's interesting. What are the black dots on top? That's the old thing. That looks like Runec writing. Dude, look at it. That's crazy looking. But look. Yeah, it's wood. What's that? Jacob, do you want to look? No.

Come on, look. Jacob, there's like a coin slot in it. I believe you. There's like an area where you can put a dime behind it. Oh, wow. Something's happening. That's fucking great. Yeah, like there's like a slot you could put a quarter.

Yeah, there's like a little air you could hold something. Yeah, it's a thick toner. It's a penny loafer. I don't know. I don't know what happened. You have loafers, too. I think it's dying, right? Is it dying?

I think it's dying. It's building like, it's like a new thing's happening on top of it. That looks uncomfortable, Bobby. He he he. It's the problem is, is it's gonna be in your memory for Jay, look, you all right, buddy? Jay, does it get caught up in your socks?

No, it does, if I wear a slack sock, like a tight, like a dress sock. A dress sock? How do you clip that thing? It looks like a toe that was reanimated. The toenail that was reanimated. It's the toe of a serial killer. And in the night it makes you do things.

I think the top of it is dead. Yeah. And I think it's coming. I think it's dying. It's like building like, it's like calcium or something. It's building up. It's like Minecraft. It's like Minecraft.

Yeah. It's getting thicker. Christine. It's Fortnite. Are you in? Are you in? You want to take a peek? Yeah, I do. Oh, you do. It's kind of interesting, right? I think you described it right. It's fortnight. It's been built up. You want to take a peek? Yeah, I do. Oh, you do everybody. It's kind of interesting, right?

I think you described it right. It's interesting. It is interesting. It's very interesting. I think if it was dying it would turn Black it is. There's black thoughts on the top. Oh, I couldn't get that close Mm-hmm She said What do you I saw worse in beauty school? Yeah, yeah, for sure. I mean I could I could take that off right Not dude don't do that though either. That's crazy also. What if I pull it off right now? Mm-hmm. Should I try to pull it off? No No

My god, I think only the words of radio Andy can get me through a time like this Let's see pop pop up, pop up, pop up. I got home around 12.30 a.m. and I got a two hour massage. It was amazing from a new guy Adam. He was really tough. This is going to become a weekly thing. Though I tend to give notes after a massage to the poor therapist, I had very few for him. There was one thing about my shoulders. I

asked him to carry me to my bed when I was done and I said that I was joking, but I think I was serious. The whole time I was lying there, I was thinking, what if Ron Swanson was here, what would he be doing? Would he be looking at me the whole time? Oh, wow. I love Ron. Ron Swanson? He would be looking at you. Is that a gay person? I can write a book. I can write a book, I can write it.

Well, I think this is society, as much as a society owes him for being when they come out here and be so gay about his life. I don't know, it sounds like it's it's it's so Pompus But like this isn't even like a bathroom read nothing unless you're unless you're Fuck me running excitement is from finding out this Sarah Jessica Parker prefers white wine over red. Do you know what I mean?

Like that's like, to even make this a good read on the shitter, you'd have to be like, oh, whoa. I didn't know that, Sarah Jessica Parker is actually a jeans and t-shirts girl on the weekends. This is a, this is a phone call. This is a phone call with another gay guy. That's all it is, it's a book of phone calls. It's almost, it's inferior.

It's inferior. Yeah, it's a theory. It's not even, there's no even story arc to that. There's nothing to it. There's two more of them over there. We've had the same thing. We've done more compelling. I mean, if we just did that whole toenail thing in a book it would be more interesting It would be more of a page turner and then Jay walk slowly over to Bobby's foot closing his eyes

He's like chapter two my dog walk is usually more lovey in the morning But today she was just kind of doing her own thing Chapter three I went to Starbucks. They ran out of the three cheese snack pack that I always get So I had to get the peanut butter and apple which isn't that bad and then I took a walk These are stories like we saw kid rock. We made an ass of ourselves twice maybe three times over to great book That's the story. Yeah, this is just like, so Jimmy found and his wife Nancy. I mean, are they the best? That sounds like a diary.

It's called the Andy Cohen Diaries. A deep look at a shallow year. Do you remember when when when pens used to work, awesome? Now they just, you know, not as good. Chapter two. Whatever happened to the Trapper Keeper. It's like it was there, it was all the rage, and then gone. The denim binder's still around.

Hmm, you know, would love this conversation, SJP. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I'm thinking about getting tacos tonight, but maybe Greek, it's a little more healthy. I should get a salad. You know what, I'm not about getting tacos tonight, but maybe Greek, it's a little more healthy. I should get a salad. You know what? I'm not going to eat. I'm just going to wait.

I saw James John Stamos the studio today and Hubba Hubba has, he's still got it or what? Walka thought so as she kept going up and sniffing his leg. I was embarrassed for her. I know it's fake, but... Resolence seems real. I mean, these guys seem like they're really getting hurt. John Cena's show is pretty good. Maybe I'll get him on my show. I'm gonna go to bed.

Buh. We should write a book. The real housewives of Atlanta. Hmm. Boy are they out of control. I don't have these kind of problems with the real how swipes of Richmond, Virginia. Why do you think that is? I don't know if I want to do with Anderson again this year. Maybe I should do it myself.

People keep telling me I'm the star of the show. I'm actually New Year's Eve. Anyways. He'll always be the number two gay. That's right, mirror. I'm talking to you Yeah, it's These aren't it's exactly the things where so we're actually saying much more interesting things Yeah, was the mirror in that Children's Cartoon a story the mirror was a drag queen wasn't you look fucking great

You look so damn good. You know the best bitch around. You're the hottest. You're the hottest. Look at those shoes, bitch. Fears get out of here. Kill that of the slut fucker. I feel like if I said that one line and you just read J on a first date

that would kill the date. This guy's uninteresting. I usually get a massage. I usually have a lot of notes, but I hardly had any of this massage. Yeah. I mean, like Jacob, yeah, are you bothering us for some reason with this? Does it make time dim with that? You know what I mean?

Oh, you'll never guess. This morning I woke up and got in the wrong car to go to the airport. I realized it's a car for Sally Field, who's my neighbor, who I guess also had a noon flight, but hers was Delta, and I'm on American St. Louis. The driver was not amused to my desire for a simple hello message to Miss Sally Field, who I have never once seen in the building. I got my real car with my driver, a non-English speaking gentleman of the Asian persuasion. We immediately fell into that inevitable negotiation over which route to take to the airport.

The guy said, Midtown Tunnel, I got the sense he was going across at 34th Street, which is not the route I prefer. So I said, you're going to cross downtown, right? 26 or 22nd? Frankly, my preference is to cross on 12th, but he had already missed that. I could tell he was just guessing, be saying traffic, traffic, crossing Midtown. We crossed the 36th Street, so that didn't work out for me. I did a lot of angry muttering under my breath, and he did a lot of happily ignoring me. I mean, it's mind-bending. I think he just reported that's a I won't point there down to the quote

This is page 37 of a couple hundred page book here. That's crazy that when he goes By page 37. This is where you're at or still like you have to build I wanted nothing interested me I think he actually just recorded himself absolutely Absolutely. And gave it to some writer. Apps are fucking lootly. Can we decide, can you do, give us three examples of, and we have to pick the one that's actually from the book. Just three sentences, and we have to pick the one that's from the book. Sentence.

Yeah, you give us three sentences, and then we have to pick which one is from the book. By the way, you read that whole page. Bobby did not smile the whole time. You couldn't hold the smile. Not on that. No, you broke me on that one. Let's go. Ready?

Uh-huh. Bradley Cooper and Lizzie Tish. I mean, yuck. Am I right? If you're going to see two people out and about, better not to be those two. Hi, this one. This one. That's sentence's one. There's one.

That's sentence number one. SJP gave me a full backstory on her breast implants. I didn't really want to hear it at lunch, but that's what happens when you hang out with a queen of sex. That's number two. The boom boom boom room was initially gorgeous and civilized, then turned into a shit show after a couple hours, which I guess is how it always goes. Alright, whose theme?

Out of those three sentences, which one was real? From the book. Two. Alright, two. What do you say? The last one was real. The last one was real. Jacob?

I think the last one was real. I'm going to say the first one was the real one. The last one. The last one was real. The boom boom room was initially gorgeous and civilized and turned into a shit show after a couple hours, which I guess is how it always goes. What do you think the very last thing? What do you think he put a period and went, send it off? It's ready. I bet it says,'m gonna go take a shower now. I'm done with this. I'm bored. Bye The final

Wanted to final paragraph. Yeah I came home to a message from Nancy and Jimmy to be the Jesus they come up a lot I came home to a message from Nancy and Jimmy to meet them at the American hotel for some end of summer caviar home to a message from Nancy and Jimmy to meet them at the American hotel for some end of summer caviar. You don't have to ask me twice. Many toast to the end of the beach season and we moved on to Sen and some Saki. Rashida Jones joined in progress. We all walked to Budaberry.

The Froyo craze of the summer of 2014 where they had locked the doors a couple minutes before and the Nordic lady in charge would make no exceptions. We felt defeated. How can we end the summer without Frollo, as we stood dwelling in our misfortune, a real housewife of, I don't know where, approached. She was tall. Mid-50s, fake blonde, fake boob,

and a black tank top and said, never, never, never. We told her it was closed, but she got into a long thing with Jimmy, who is the mayor of everywhere. And as unique ability to talk to anybody, anywhere about anything without hitting a wall, I do not have this gift. There's no way.

She left and we stayed hanging out like teenagers with nowhere to go. Pondering, the never, never, never shirt. What did that mean? I will never sleep with you. I will never marry you. We think she would have gone all the way. 20 minutes later, the never, never, never lady returned

with a big bag of froyo from the inferior place down the street in her bountiful bosom. We were thrilled. What a gift! It hit the spot and we stayed laughing and loitering on the empty streets for about an hour Came home and watched old dick cabin reviews on YouTube while walka endlessly licked my face back to the city and real life

tomorrow You are gonna be alright. That was great. He was totally into it. I was Hollywood Bob. I thought the Bob's gonna be there. The smile the entire time, giving real inflection. Let's get, could Bobby be our like, we have to sit around as like a representative for like the Met Gala or something next year. Oh yeah. As our guide, you know, an awards show. Hollywood Bob.

Cause I won't do good. I will, I will kill it. I've been, I've been working on Hollywood Bob for the last five years. Yeah. Yes, I've been practicing at parties, smiling, letting people like listening. That's a big part.

Big part. I think, I think, I'm like, let me be like a real person with them. And I don't know if it is what they want. No, they don't want. We proved that with Bobby. Yeah. Bobby Rock, I kept calling him Chris Rock.

You called him Chris Rock a lot of times, and I just kept telling him about shows he's done. Yeah, and he was aware of all of them. Do you know you played in Sturgis? I do. That was great. I was there for that also, if you don't remember, I do. God damn it.

I know if I went back to that place, my cigar, my favorite cigar would just have like two pops out of it, and be stuck in a Diet Coke. Stuff to do a Diet Coke can. Cocksucker. My favorite, it was my favorite cigar. So we should write a book. I can't guess why we wouldn't.

Let's write a book, the bonfire book. How about that? How about we just send, if we just send like this week's episodes into a and if we just send like this week's episodes into a person to just type it all out. Just put it in and chat GPT. Just write a book out of this episode. And then go separate this in the chapters, chat GPT. I don't know if that's what would work, but maybe. Now it would work.

And then we just have a book. We have a book. Who's to stop us from doing that? Jay looked at Bobby's tonneau with disgust, but interest. Interest. He wondered what those black dots were. There were no answers to be found. The dog just took a shit. It's too interesting. That's why I'm saying we should have a bit, but this is a New York Times best seller. Where would you read it? Like you said, it's not even a toilet bowl book. It's it's not agony to read. It's not and no one's reading it that's like No one's riveted by this like I think all the reading is just like what we're doing right now. It has to be easy

You believe this has to be a story. What's the name of the book? The anti-co and diaries a deep look at a shallow year. I'll kill myself. I promise you though hang on Where you going with that? Where you going? James walking over to get another book is he has more than one book? How many books does he have? There's no way this has to be what does this one call the book? This one's called most talkative talkative

This is gonna be interesting This is gonna be interesting Let's see I want to finally a fun little You know, I really should just throw a fucking... here. Queer eye guy Carson Crestly decided to surprise the Fab 5 by getting Barrest naked at a straight guy's house, and the Fab 5 locked them outside. That's actually pretty interesting. Ha ha ha. Project runway designer Andre and other homosexual contestants making dresses at a flower as a Tim Gunn critique them.

A brigade of Atlanta housewives, sidekicks, hairdressers, event planners, and wig wranglers, oh my, trumping around the ATL wearing high heels. Jeff Lewis and Ryan ending their friendship on television as I try to mediate and not cry. He just keeps giving a list. What is this? Run-ons? I don't know what I understand what's happening.

Oh, he's telling you the gayest moments ever on Bravo. That's not gay. I want the gayest moments. He said he's the gayest moments on Bravo. Okay, Kathy Griffin performing at a bear convention in San Francisco. That's gay. No? No.

Tabitha's salantake over star and fab u lesbian, Tabitha coffee, taking over a gay bar called Ripples. Nope. Whoa! I've done gayer stuff in the shower this weekend. The ubiquitous Dwight U-Banks from Real Housewives of Atlanta, ignoring my protestations and showing me his penile implant on watch what happens life. That's gayer. We're getting there. Penile implant. Yeah. And while we're talking about joy, I'd venture to say that the fur bikini he claims to have designed for the Shea by Cherie Fashion Show finale and the baby shower he threw for Fadre are in a battle royale for the

gayest events in Atlanta housewives history. Pretty gay. That's pretty gay. But again, it's a book if he just goes, what do you think of the gay? Oh, it's it's questions in it. Why do Bravo Bravo li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- li- Wacomoles. It's Q&A. This book is simple Q&A. I mean, how easy are these to fart out, man? Yeah. Is that a number one best seller? Absolutely. Wow.

Yeah. Funny. You're right. Man. And wonderfully fun, funny and inspirational journey. Peppered with colorful, crisis, prone women. I love it. Who said that? Amy Siddharis Author of simple times and I like you. Yeah, we need a book. It we need to I mean you could just fart one out man

It's that easy. Yeah Well, listen while we have this time here Bobby. I, I do want to we sidetrack a lot It's fine. It's what the show is about baby. I love it. I love it. I suppose beside tracker, but I Andy coming huh? Well, you can't really smack talk them too much. He runs this joint, right? Yep Yeah, yep. He's great. Look at me Jay try it. Hey, what's going on Andy? Hey, yeah, say some gay Andy stuff to me. Hey, Jay, heard you read my book on air. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Nope. Jay. Do it to me. Watch. Hey, I heard you read my book on air, Bobby. Oh my God, bro. The cover is crazy. What

do you think of that cover? Did you come up with that? That wasn't bad. Thanks. It was a good one. It was a good one. It was a good one. It was a good one. It was a good one.

It was a good one. It was a good one. It was a good one. It was a good one. It was a good one. It was a good one. It was a good one. It was a good one.

It was a good one. It was a good one. It was a good one. It was a good one. It was a good one. It was a good one. It was a good one. It was a good one. I'm gonna throw it my way again. Hey, Bobby. I heard you guys were thumbing through my little book on your show. What are you doing to your skin? What are you doing? What is this army?

What is that? I need to get whatever the hell that is because bro, wow. You look, dude, you look like you're fucking 27. What's going on? Oh my God. I'm gonna be on the yacht. He's gonna be on the yacht. Try's gonna be on the yacht try me one more time. I ready hey Jay heard you are

Going through my library in my studio. Did you choose a certain age to talk gay? Or were you always talking like this and then realized you were gay mother fucker? Hey Andy, when did you make the choice to become gay? Hey no, Jay. That's not it. That's not it. That's not gonna That's not gonna fly. No try one more Andy. What happened to you? Who molested you into being gay? No, no, no No, no one more. How about this? Andy is blowing a guy worth going the hell is this not good stuff? No, Jay. Do you not care about heaven? Jay, no. No.

Jay, no. All right, find up on the hot tub. I'm have to have like a, an impractical joke or is it your thing? And you can tell me what to do. Smile. That's not a smile. Looks like you smell something. I way Bobby's selling this.

We're going to be broadcasting from the Hamptons this summer. Oh my god. This house is what I would always dream to would be. We need Bobby, this is the problem when it was me and Dan here. We bully people like... No, but Hollywood Bobby's there. Like what's the name, Brett Michaels. We bully and then we lose him as a friend completely.

Bobby wouldn't do that. No, I'm Hollywood Bobby. Is that a schmooze it better? Yeah. He knows the weight until we're not getting Celebrity on before we take a fat shit on them We got insecure they would shit on the guest before they walked in And was it couldn't possibly like the two of them? We're gonna get guests, right?

We're gonna get famous people on And it'd be friends of the show and this show is gonna skyrocket. They're gonna be friends of the show. Yeah, friends of the show. I believe it because of because of Hollywood Bob. Hollywood Bob, man. Hollywood Bob is gonna save the day. First of all, Jay, I want to say something to you. Thanks for that. That was very cool of you to say. Yeah. I'll take that. We're gonna be we're gonna move up the ladder now because of Hollywood Bob. Hey, one second. Lou, awesome job. That was that music was perfect. Awesome, Christine, God bless.

God bless you. How pretty did she look today? How pretty did she look? She's better look good, she ain't doing shit else. Ha ha ha. Do something, don't beling anything. Tell everybody about your breakfast you had cooked for you this morning.

Oh shit, you do it girl. Tell me about that. Oh shit. She made a good omelet. An omelet? And bacon and English muffin. You made bacon? Yeah.

In a pan? No. We like it in the microwave. You make what? I do prefer the microwave. It's preferred. What the fuck are you talking about? I like the super crispy.

It's very crispy in the microwave. Are you guys fucking nuts? And the grease comes out, so it's so better for me. The grease is what you need to live. Not when you put in the microwave. The grease is what makes bacon bacon. But you don't think that's actually nutritionally correct? You need fat.

I know you're in the game a little more than I am right now, but. You need the fat. You can't have bacon without the cooking in its fat. Now it all goes into the paper towel, and it's nice and crispy, and a little leaner. But don't worry, cooking in its fat. Now it all goes into the paper towel and it's nice and crispy and a little leaner. I don't worry, we got the fat. Yeah.

Bobo. We took it in the fat. Hey, Bobo, we got the fat. We got it. Congratulations, and that's awesome. Good for you. At this point, I'll take, I realize when I look back, like my stepmother is a person who cooked.

Tell her I said hi. Generally, hey, Diane, she would get like a stofers, like frozen, like lasagna or something that you like make in the actual oven. It takes a while still and like, it's fine. It's that amazing, it's fine. But some kind of hybrid like that, I would accept. Dawn, if I ever tried to get one of those meals,

Dawn would fucking leave me. One of... She's never ever, ever, ever, never, ever I ever tried to get one of those meals, Don would fucking leave me. One of... She's never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever had a frozen meal. By the way, you still didn't say never never never more than I read in that one paragraph. Ha ha ha ha ha! Hey everybody, thanks for listening. That was just a portion of our actual serious XM radio show. If you want the whole thing, the whole damn thing, go to seriousxm.com slashbombfire for a special offer.

That's right. And go to bigjcomedy.com and robbercallylive.com to check out our standup dates. Coming to a city near you. I stepped on your crackle crackle. I stink.