The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Awkward Face Times

Episode Date: September 21, 2020

The gang stumbles upon LeakedMeat.com & DJ Lou gives camera tips for the best angles of video sexting.

You're listening to Comedy Central! Hi, I'm Dan Soder. I'm Big J. O. Kerson. And you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire live every Monday through Thursday from 6th to 8pm on Comedy Central Radio. Serious XM95 or on demand on the Serious XM app. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire, SXM.

Hi, this is Jacob and welcome to the Bond Vars Best of the Week. During a commercial break, Christine's research into celebrity penises caused a crew to discover a game-changing new website, leakedmeat.com. Plus, DJ Liu gave his cinematography tips for getting your own penis ready for video sexting. I feel like you got a big fat hog so you probably sent that bitch off a few times in your life. No, I don't and I have but I hope that the people I have fired off a picture too would be cool enough to hold on to it. Dan, you have sent cock picks. You got a sweet cock and you take pictures of it, you send it out

there. I just don't have a very photogenic, or I shouldn't say that I'm a photogenic cock. I just like, it would take me forever to get one where I be like this looks like good. Yeah. Picture, like, you know, I'd want this to be, like you have to let go with the idea that like, if it's out there, there's something you're going to be like, at least it's, you know, good pick. Yeah, yeah, I'd probably say I took some... Nothing on my face in it at all, for sure. Nothing on my body, even, just a close-up of hog. Yeah, I would say that there's something that weren't good pictures.

I probably could have done better than that in a haste, I sent. But... I gotta send something and I have somewhere to be. Yeah, I'm a busy man. This is a busy picture Chris the stuff and I was still to the best one where he just took a picture that will look in his sweats Man, it's huge Jacob have you said have you leaked your meat to anybody? Never once in a dick pick out no, you ever taken one No, what I'm too paranoid Тейкин-1? Нет. Что? Что?

Я have two paranoid. Я have even owning it yourself. Да, я have a perfect... Really? Like the Russians are gonna have it. So what? The fuck the Russians are gonna do your dickpeck. They have a very nice jack-a-pot hot-pick.

Look at this month's boner. Very rough. It's leaked meat. It's called the Shnyivordietnyefinia. The Russian that means leaked meat. It's leaked. It's called the shnevordietnyefiniet. It's Russian, that means leaked meat. I have it. I have it. I've jerked off to Jacob being not a boy. DJ Lo, you've definitely sent off a dick pick in your life. No, we've discussed this. I had it live, but I never had evidence. Oh, you've done a beat like over a fac. Yeah, face time beat damn dude. That's awkward to

Yeah, it was just real quick like a flash like whoopee kaboo Yeah, the same time the same time you do time whacking off over like face time or something or whatever it would be like a video chat like I just don't I would take forever. I just wouldn't think I would be doing good. It takes forever. I feel like it would take forever, that's what I'm saying. I feel like it would take forever, because I'd be like, oh man, like what is she seeing? Like what is, like, you know, also most of those video

things, like your picture is kind of small, right? Yeah, I think, when you FaceTime, right, isn't like your picture is a small, right? You see them real big. Yeah, it's like, I don't know. I'd be focused so much on like the little square of my dick It would be a yeah, no you put your thumb over it so you can't see yourself and don't get distracted Yeah, fuck that I gotta see what I'm putting out there. Nope. You gotta see the product did Brow yeah, I really

Like I said, I don't like Christine see me in awkward naked positions. Definitely, you know. When does Sammy would be naked? Huh? When does Sammy would be naked on a FaceTime? Not naked, but just whatever it is. Just like, how could it not look good? I'm all for weird sex.

I know you are, babe. DJ Lotto. or weird sex? I know, you are, babe. Oh, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm sure a flop open for you. You got a flannel over a Pearl Jam shirt and your dick just coming at the bottom of it. When you do, do you do the shirt over your head with the flannel still around your thing? It's just belly and flannel. Belly flannel and boner. Oh, in no way.

The Lou you had T shirt on and then like boxers and your piece was through the the boxer hole. No, no, I pulled it down give a little flash you do and then pull the camera away like hey, how far the pants come down just below the nuts? Yes, just below the nuts, it's it. Oh yeah, yeah, I'm not giving it anything. Oh, see, I would want to go pants off or all the way down in that situation. I think because I want to get my legs like open. What?

Yeah, just so you can let it all settle down and then you could... Oh, I guess what you're saying. If it was being filmed like this direction, I guess you're right. I'd want it's much like covered as possible, but I'm picturing if you're looking at whatever you're Face Timing with, you know, I mean like you're above your dick So you have to like look and film at the same time right? So it's like that view of my dick I'd want to have No pants and stuff stopping it up. Do you know what I mean from underneath?

I want the legs to be open so my dick can like fall forward a little bit The balls can hang and then you just get that good separation. You know, I mean, yeah, I didn't think that he's all working in your favor there. Yeah, I didn't think of that. I just didn't want to see like, oh, what if she doesn't like my thighs? I mean, that's. Lou, what did, I don't understand. You just gave a quick flash or you beat off on the camera.

Beat off, dude. No, well, I was beating. What if you're seeing while you're beating off then oh she just it was like look no no well yeah we were seeing each other's face but I don't like my face either so I'm just kind of pointing the camera off to the wall and we're doing we're doing dirty talk and then she flashes what she's

doing and then I flash what I'm doing and then and then back against the wall you know like I don't I don't give a lot that's fucking hilarious what do you do to go straight here look what I'm doing and then back against the wall. You know, like I don't give a lot. That's fucking hilarious. What are you doing? It goes right here, look right there. So she's really watching the lamp.

You guys take the time. Yeah, you guys take fucking looks the way whales take breaths. But it's about the moaning and the breed. It's about the breathing. Oh, take a look. Take a creep. It's about the breathing. Oh. Take a look. Take a look. That's what I, oh. It's not just about the moaning and breathing though, Loh.

You want to see all her stuff. Right. You wish you would leave it. If she could leave it completely just still on her pussy in hand or completely still on the face so you can get the face as everything. But like, I'm just too self-conscious that I'd be thinking about my face getting weird. The shit talking I'd be kind of weird about,

it's the whole thing. I was fine with the beginning. Why don't you just turn the phone out so it's only on your dick and not on your face? Whoa. I'm not arguing, I'm saying, but then all I'm gonna be doing then is staring at my dick the whole time,

making sure it looks like good. Right. There's no good scenario. I don't like to show my cards. Like the less I show her, the less chance of her getting turned off. Right. For me to do this, I would have to train for six months to get.

Because I wouldn't want to see myself out of shape. You're gonna make a FaceTime date for six months down the road Stay this exact kind of horny for the next six months. I don't know if you know how to build a fire But the key is maintaining it maintain fire 181 days. I want you to hold that off and Price fight for me. Oh,, dude, get ready for it. What do you do if you blast off, Lou,

while you're holding the phone? Drop it. You got to put the phone down and then go clean your hand and shit. Oh, question. Yeah, well then I just go to dark, then it's over and I'm done with it. Hello, dark girl credits, produced by...

produced by... by fucking a... Goddamn it, Fred Wolf. Wolf, the name of the guy who does the lawn order. Dick Wolf. Dick Wolf. Dick Wolf. Exactly producer, Dick Wolf. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what,

I'm surprised if, after phone sex, I assume, I'm trying to think if I've ever had like Skype I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure Oh weird. Weird. That's a weird time of day to do it also. Oh man, I was so fucking roundy. I was so roundy to go. It's getting right for a show. They figured out the show, see what happens. It was so like, you know, after the end, you could pull the curtains on the hotel room,

you know, pick it dark, and then the second you just speech, you're just like, oh, well, that's what I'm saying. Like a phone sex or a Skype sex or anything. Like if you think sex with like somebody, like after fucking in general is always like, not an awkward moment, it's the real wrong word, but like, it's a recalibration.

Yeah, everything's got a reset for a few minutes and there's like, and having that happen on the phone is, so I feel like, all, it's like, come, come, and then like, all right, wow, that was fun, that was great. So I talked to everybody, it's just, it's like so quick, because you're like, what the fuck do we do now? You're laying there in your own mess.

So fucking funny, dude. And one, the second, then you're just like, ah, so I got to clean up. That's really funny. I could see me in Christine doing that now. And then afterwards you got to go, do you remember to drop that stuff off at FedEx? Yeah, I guess.

Like other records. Did you get back to Ari about if we're going to go out to the... Yeah. Did you make the diploma for Isabella to go to the dentist? For sure. Yeah, man. And then it finds out that all of that went to leaked meat. Yeah, and then all of that's leaked meat.

Hey, it's Big J. Elkerson, and I hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th to 8pm Eastern, on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM95, or on demand on the Series XMF. Be sure to follow us on social media at the Bonfire at SexyM. podcast.