The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Bar Sports (feat. Kelsey Cook)

Episode Date: December 31, 2021

Comedian Kelsey Cook joins The Bonfire after beating the guys with her foosball skills on her own show, Wrists of Fury. Jay and DJ Lou bust out their own bar sports trophies for both pool and dance!Stream "The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder" for 3 months free on the SiruisXM app! Offer Details Apply: www.SiriusXM.com/BonfireFollow us on all social media @TheBonfireXM @DanSoder www.DanSoder.com@BigJayOakerson www.BigJayOakerson.com@KelseyCook www.KelseyCook.com

I'm Dan Soder and I'm Big J. Ocarson and welcome to the Bonfire podcast. You can hear our full show every day on Series XM. Go to seriousexem.com slash bonfire for a special offer. And now the bonfire with Big J. Ocarson and Dan Soder. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're seeing, he's bringing me some lifestyle wipes I'd like to actually clean this thing up a little bit for a present.

Damn, all right. That sounds good. Welcome back to it. So we're gonna show our gicks to our guests. I'm just gonna sing up a little bit for a present. Jock Jammin' Day on the bonfire on serious XM faction talk, 403. Yeah. Are we ever having to come it up? Yeah, we have a, we have a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, we have a we have a an elite bar game athlete and we need to flex our muscles. I was more just a more of a I think I

find bars to be a spectator sport. I'm more of a drinker. I'm a shuffle board guy. Yeah, where did I fuck the Jacob go? He's probably putting on his cowboy outfit and then taking it off. You know it's weird more times than not when there's no one in his cowboy outfit and then taking it off.

Do you know it's weird more times than not when there's no one in his chair? All of a sudden his head pops up from below. Yeah, I've never noticed that. Do you think he sleeps under his desk like George Costanza? So he goes into there and like does Coke or something? Do you think he just goes down there and does mantras? That comes back up and he's like, you're the big blue whale. You're the big blue whale. I'll see we'd ever seen his carpet

You think he has like blue shed carpet and he lays on his belly on it and actually you swimming He's like get him get low goat Go to him near the coral. I'm in the sea. Oh, yeah Sea of dreams He said I made a long sissy. Yeah, dude or he's taking a fucking mean dump. Oh, he also could be fucking ripping some heat to I didn't even think about that could just be pension loafs and just be a life If you know that's the rule if pretty girl comes on this shit pretty girl comes on the show and you're right here We tell everyone you're taking a shit, you know the rules they go rule dude you better get here before Kelsey

Oh, someone hurt us. Oh, it is swamp green and a swamp green tea So Jacob, did you take a shit? We're gonna start the show back up. Did you take a hot dump? No, you didn't what you do is just jerk off. We're not on air at all right now. This is just this is We have to come back so far back and poke gators with sticks for sexual gratification What did you do did you watch your parents have sex? You piece of shit. It's okay. That we're not on the air.

Anything. But we're not on the air. You can tell us because we're your friends. Mom, dad, I want to watch you guys make before I go back in. Can you guys do it? Love passionately. Christine, please bring me Lysol wipes. I'm doing on air stuff right now.

I want to clean this up. I want to clean this up. I want to present this right. Yeah, do you feel like if you show a trophy on Zoom and it's gross, they're gonna be like, Kelsey's gonna be like, what is that? It feels like I wanted a long time ago now. It really does.

I remember that, dude. I judged that competition and those moves were, do you guys never did a follow-up, did you? They were right here, thank you. They were right behind you. It's very funny. I didn't know that I know I are if I was a little office has chlorox wipes. Did you ever do a sequel to the dance competition on skanks? No, but anytime anyone's ready Why you call me out there?

Not at all. You know I know you got moves. I know you like to move your body Absolutely dude dude. You do really do This thing is sticky yucky. Yeah, cuz that's all that wind gun. Have you just been coming on it or is Shane calls it paying tribute? Yeah, I've been tribute. Have you been tributing your trophy? What a great that's not a shame. Is that what Shane calls it? But it's like's a term. Is it a term? I don't know if it's him and the dogs, but now there's videos, there's new videos of people when they just jerk off to, you know, they just jerk off to something. So it's like a whatever tribute video it'll say. And it's just like a guy yanking it to pictures and just blowing loads, attributing is blowing a load on the picture, I think.

Yeah, I think that's what it is, which is to film it and put it up is very, very, genius, Dan. Dan, where you're going to say genius. We get pretty naughty about it. Yeah, it's gross. There's only fans that we try to get and they wouldn't let us buy it. Subgirl? No.

Not Sub. No, it was a girl that says that she has more information on Rami, I believe. buy it. Subgirl? No. Not something. No, it was a girl that says that she has more information on Rami, I believe. Oh, right. I reached out to her to try to get the full video and she didn't get back to us. And all ever.

Maybe Rami got to her. Maybe Rami made her jump in a river. Oh, no. Yeah. He made her pay the ultimate way. Probably polishing this thing up. I look at me. Yeah, I'm really alright. I'm you getting in between the legs Yeah, well, it's I mean this whole thing is so blue as your trophy available. Don't show it yet Mine mine way disgusting. I'm gonna keep it at a distance Dude just polish it up a little bit Just put a little elbow grease dude. I think you've been to the party before

Come on dude. This is you've been to the party before. Come on, dude. This is show and tell day. Clean it up. Yeah, make it look presentable, dude. Well, people know that you're a fucking champion. I'm gonna present my dirty fucking dick. Whoa, hey, hey a problem. That's gonna be a big problem. There's a metaphor Okay, yeah, don't set don't but just you know for the record don't show you're taking any state clean

I mean you can now to us. It's cool. It's just us guys here. Yeah We're gonna take away Lou put it away. Oh, they're my put it away. Lou put it away right now, Lou They can't wait to show their penis to everyone Welcome to the show My put it away Lou put it away right now Lou. They can't wait to show the penis to everyone Welcome to the show Who we've been talking about who just absolutely beat the shit out of us in Fuseball You can see the newest episode of risks of fury out now with myself and big J the the bonfire version It's Kelsey cook welcome to the show Kelsey Hang on I gotta stop you Kelsey. Did we have like a high

pitch wine every time you're taught this out? Is that better? Just to use my. Yep. Yeah. Perfect. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. That was three to one. Damn. Let me count you, N.J. If I can, three, two. Okay, we're sitting here with Kelsi. Cook everybody. The newest episode of Ristafiri with Kelsey Cook is out right now with me and Dan on it. That's on YouTube. Yes. Just us getting humbled. Just us getting humbled on the food small table. We really did. For tickets and tour dates. If you want to get your ass handed to you, Kelsey Cook.com. Yeah, we got our Dix kicked in pretty bad. I knew we were gonna lose just by what everybody said, but when they said you were really good at Fuzball, I'm like, I don't even know what that entails necessary. You know, I'm like, what does that mean?

Like, no one's good at, you were doing things with it, you were like, oh, that's, as Pete Corielli has one of my favorite jokes, you know, about the guitar. He's like, if I didn't know somebody else already did it, I would say it's impossible. Yeah. Like what you were doing was like, I'm like, oh, I, I couldn't even guess where you're starting to do that.

Like the passing from what do you call him, player? Player to player. Yeah, like the strategy involved where you're talking to a guy that grew up just spinning the handles like a spaz. Well, that's just fucking get a moving. I Didn't even know there was a ball for the game I don't know if I've ever seen a fuzball table with the ball in play ever Well, that's the thing is people only see fuzball in a drunk bar environment usually, where people are not

only playing like shit, but the tables themselves are so sad. Like I go in and it almost feels like I see these shelter animal fussball tables. They're just completely like, but I'm missing men. What you're saying, I've never even seen one with a ball. Like they get so trashed and nobody cares. And then I go in like a lunatic and I'm like, do you guys have some pan that I can like grease the rods with? And they're like, we're gonna call the police.

Like, lady, we don't let ladies of the night in here. So you pull a level. You point a level and you're like, yeah, look at this. Yeah, do you think this is like a slope? They should play the Sarah McOcclan music every time you walk in, you know, abused a foosball table. It's like, ah, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, these foosball tables haven't been used since 1994,

since before cell phones. This foosball table's been fucked on by 16 junkies. What a man tried to sleep on this drool all over it. Yeah, that's gotta be fucking crazy. But when you're good at a bar game like this, you grew up with both of your parents playing football. So this was normal to you. So when you go into a ball.

I didn't know it was weird. Yeah. Yeah, you didn't realize you had a superpower, a weird, very odd superpower. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But the whole time it's cool. It's to go into a bar. And when you're on the road, you play people for money, right? Yeah, so we decided to make this tour for this year in 2022.

We call it the Hustler tour because every city I go to, I try to find a bar near the comedy club and then go hustle Either audience members or it's just if there's like drunk frat guys in there who don't know anything about My background. That's the best because then I can pretend like I've never seen a foosball table before and just like talk in the worst voice And be like hi like is this chess and just like act in the worst voice and be like, hi, like is this chess and just like, act like a fucking idiot. And then, yeah. And then, yeah. And then, yeah.

And then, yeah. Yeah, I do. You go to the wrong bar and pull that. Do you have security? Do you have like a person that goes around like a club soda Kenny? I wish I had a club soda Kenny. I mean, everybody should have a club soda Kenny in their life.

I just have my features come with me and usually they're... That's so funny. Have you featured in Ferkelsey and then you have to be like also how good is your hand hand combat because we're going to bar and steal money from men. Because also we might get gang attacks by a fraternity. Hey how much delta force did you watch? Can you fight off a group of people? Yeah that is a weird thing that like people that come on the road with me have figured out they're like, oh, I mean, they don't have to, but it's, I'm like, if you want to come to the bar with me afterward and we'll play Fusball, and usually I'll be like, can you

get a clip of this really quick and they'll take video of me so I could put on Instagram. And then they also prevent me from getting stabbed in an alley afterward from some dude I took their money. Have you gone against anybody that's lost very poorly? Like, you know, like to the point where I feel like Jay and I are very close to... If we didn't know you and it wasn't a comedy setting and I got my money taken in a foosball, I would be like, what the fuck is this? But you mean fist, like legitimately fist, do you think? Yeah, do they get... has there ever been an anger where you were actually worried at all because I'm wondering it's the game It's so like pool seems like playing pool seems like an environment where there could it turned the violence one

You're holding a weapon in your hand essentially Yeah, it's a wood sword you've got a wood sword you can wipe people with I swear to you like Like killing somebody over foosballs like tell him you killed them over air hockey I feel You imagine getting an assault charge and they're like what was it? You're like air hockey I lost it and I just fucking snapped but I'm certain there's been murder trials over someone getting killed After a game of pool or on a pool table or with a pool like all that shit but there's there is no fucking How do you hustle people do you like you play a couple games lose then you open up a suitcase and pull

out a little tiny ball Sorry this one's this one's uh this is competition weight Dude you should have driver gloves you should have leather driver gloves with the knuckles that are open. They keep warm. And then you grip. Well, that's the thing. That's the thing is when you go to actual, when you go to tournaments, people bring their own handle wraps and gloves. And that's what you do when you walk up to the table.

You can buy them at like big five. It's the same thing that's on a tennis racket handle. And so they sell them in little wraps and then you wrap it yourself or you walk in with a glove. So I joke on stage and it's what I did. You guys are on the Rissafiri that's out today, but we did a special episode where I went undercover in Vegas and I hustled drunk dudes on the Vegas strip.

And I had my camera crew with me. So that was so fun because I would go up and I'd be like, hi, my name's Kelsey. And I have this web series where I do things I've never done before for the first time. It's called Pop My Cherry. And I would just be this like very sexual ditsy girl who was telling them that they were gonna do this show

with me and I've never played football before. And so we would play a game and then. How do you feel about decoing for a pedophile hunter? Now hear me out before you say no. Jay, right? That voice hit Jay was like, I bet you could get a couple people to meet you at a wall wall party. Yeah, yeah. We could embarrass them with back in business.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Looks like this thing isn't completely dead. Yeah, man, that's the thing where I would be mad was it one of the second I realized I got hustled I would be like the second your voice changed and you went into like a regular voice I'd be like mother fucker. I'm a voice guy. I don't see this coming She goes y'all start playing with the wrong one Jack She does her voice is wrong. You know Kelsey. I don't know if old Japanese works in this I have never played the food server and they're like you can't do that voice

You just got suckered mother fucker. Yeah Goal on your ass Yo ass just got cooked Kail sick cooked Oh man, I wasn't supposed to say my legal name Damn, you're just got my government. And go give me my social, that's how they get you. Oh my God.

On the Vegas. Yeah, I've had somebody freak out. Oh, good. No, that's exactly what I was going to ask. Can we get someone freak out? OK, the people in the show, that episode in Vegas, were generally pretty nice about it. We didn't do, like, I didn't actually take their money because it was the show.

But in what's happened in person on, on tour, is that some dudes just want to keep going, because it is gambling in a way. So they'll lose to me. And then they're like, okay, let's go again for, for another 40. I're like, okay. And then they'll lose again. And they're like, okay, another 40. I'm like, okay. And so that is a situation where then if they walk away and they've given me like almost $200, I can see in their face and they're like,

Bok, like they're big kind of mad at that point. You realize what happens. Yeah, you realize what happens is they go home and they have to tell their wife or girlfriend that they lost money and they're like, how did you lose $200 and he goes, okay, so you know how we went to that comedy show? All right, well anyways, after the show, the comedian was playing Fuseball and it'd be like, when they told me- While those gonna be with the character, it was like, some dippy girl came up to me and asked me, say, if she loses to to me she'll lick my penis

and then and then and then she had the voice of an old jazz black man and she beat me really fast. Yeah, that's how they explain it. They go this blonde lady walked up with the voice that I can only describe as an old black man from Detroit and then just took every single penny on me. Oh, money's already on the table now. Can't change your mind. Oh these little thought I was that dip it that dipi bimbo back there Come on that come on now. I don't know about this game. Let's say hey Jack you put down 20 better page Hey, you want to figure out you want to figure out right now watch this watch this. Oh my god I'm just so tight and wet. Yeah, man. That's what motherfuckers want to hear Oh my god, I'm just so tight and wet. Yeah, man, that's what motherfuckers want to hear.

Ooh. Oh my god. She just gets me all red up. Now I'm gonna tell you something right now. Keep your hands on my body. You're gonna touch the goalie, but I used the goalie. Slime it, can't. Oh my god.

I will never be able to do this joke on stage the same because I'm just gonna hear your guys' voice in my head. That like, I'm gonna so badly want to do that and I can't Oh my god I'm gonna saccharter you how to add food spell now here's a deal man you gonna put your money down you better walk away from my ass food spell so sticky sticky like your money gonna be sticking in my pockets when we done you goofy ass motherfucker

look at you Okay, I got damn burqtip all these men kicking around the ball all these men gonna be making me money That's what the fuck's gonna be happening when I'm done with this guy damn thing. Oh, man Kelsey my nipples through my t-shirt. I forgot the way I brawl you oh What up miss what a very fun mistake? I may You better get in on it. Hey everybody look headlights are on You owe what a must what a very fun mistake. I may Better get everybody head lots are on There used to be a pro player on tour named moya. She actually she

Got into like a horrific Tree climbing accident and that sounds bad. Yeah, it's not an accident. It is actually real But she's a tree climbing. Bad tree climbing decision. There's no accident. Once you've climbed that tree, you start to cut track with God. Also, everyone knows you need a nine-year-old spotter anytime you crime a tree, because they're the ones that I'll tell you if you can make it up to the top or not. I don't know if you yourself flat-lires, but kick-climb in a tree. They killed a guy like that. So she haunted key for someone. So she died that way.

But she on tour before that used to be like, she was a really, really great player and she was known for, especially if she was playing against a guy. If she was starting to lose halfway through the match, she'd take a time out and she would take her broth and just like set her bra next to the table. And then she had like really big tits and she'd be like, okay, I'm ready. And then she would play defense really aggressively and you know, to take it all over the place.

And then guys would lose because they couldn't focus. That's unfair. That has to be a rule in the Fuseball rulebook about that. You can't let Fuseball dorks have that kind of, that's like, that's getting too close to the sun for a lot of those guys Use every advantage Yeah, they go well you have to understand that I was using a strategic

Quadrant offense and then all of a sudden this woman pulled out her boobs and everything started getting shaky and woozy Dan member. I won gay cornhole cuz I played with my dick out Do you have to use every advantage you have dude Yeah, when I play when I play homo erotic horseshoes I always love to act like I'm catching the horseshoe on my tongue I get down and I put my butt up in the air and I got Is that my ooh is my belly button hair hanging out?

It's so hot in here god damn it Bruce his defense is he's trying to accept it into his asshole Mother fuck you thought I talk like that when I challenge you to call it whole come on You see you think I sleep with another man. I only sleep with my woman on your ass right now Put the bag in the hole mother fucker. That's game. Bitch, that's how I got three of my young and. But you bagging the hole and leave it in there. Dig a little bit. Oh, drip a wig. Have you ever wanted to interview other Hall of Fame female athletes in bar sports, like the black widow and pool or a shirt? She ruled. Yeah, did she rule? I remember watching her on ESPN2

just watching that lady kick the shit at everyone in pool. Yeah, we're all broke with the fucking glove. And here's a weird world, yeah. Yeah, it is because it's a world of a sport that no one knows exists. It's a game that no one knows can be taken seriously, except you guys in alcoholics. That's a big middle of the Vendai Graham crossover.

That's the only crossover. Is there a male counterpart to Kelsey Cook? Is there a super attractive guy who's like ranked in Fuzball? Just a boy hottie just with where this title to be like, ooh, sorry. Well, there might be good looking pool players. I don't think there's any highly attractive bowlers. Or darts players. That's probably true. No, I think darts, you might find a good looking guy in darts.

I don't know, Jay, I've watched a lot of it. It's very big in the years. Or hot. You know what I'm talking about, Dan? Let's break it down. Nice pair of dungarees. That tight white tee. That tight white tee. Guy looks like he's got calluses, but he ain't gonna hit you in the face No, he wouldn't hit you in the face. I believe in breaking up a fight

He's not about to pass you around a little bit sure, but he ain't gonna be violent if needed to be violent The guy can stay on a goddamn bull for 10 seconds guy probably pulls his shirt off from the back Anyway, is there that guy at Fuzball? There are some, there's some, I'm hesitant to say hot. I guess there's a couple hot players, sure, but I would say more like some border on handsome, perhaps hot is pushing it a little bit.

Oh, so classically handsome like they're the air of like Fuzball fortunes, where're like you know that's you know that's don tornado from the tornado tables. What you saying there is a difference between hot and handsome as there is between like attractive and sexy you know I mean like yeah yeah yeah. So I think that's huge and hot. I think people fall into different categories. Hot implies an attitude that doesn't take for a man, Fuzball seriously. Yes.

Very pretty. I'm gonna have to answer that. But a handsome man. If a guy was like, I'm really amped up about Fuzball, you'd be like, well, you're probably a dork. You're the anomaly. It's, but it's the nerds in that community aren't what I think you would picture a stereotypical nerd.

These are more like white trash, arcade. Yes. So not Jacob, more of a blue. It's a lot of people. It's like a lot of people in a fliction shirts. It's a lot of dochry. It's a lot of stained. it's like that's the music that's pumping in the big tournament rooms. Right when you're right when you're up a lot of

storm the capital stuff, a lot of storm the capital talk. I think I think a lot of fooswell players are probably more. Yeah watching me and dan just all stained recently and uh... did you know oh yeah they were open for corn and uh... they got a quite a message and it is funny hearing him do the hold your own your own crossbody elbow music and just being like a chubby like old man now yeah it's me like

it doesn't mean that one song is like my mother and my father and my foo's ball tournament coming up. You guys never supported me. You said it wasn't a real game. My wrist hurt. I got to do a lot of people wear those wrist guards because like the carpal tunnel, are those the leads through here? Well people will wear, no people will wear sweat bands here

because one of the most popular shots is called a rollover shot or snake shot where you actually take your hand off of the handle and you put the handle on your wrist and you roll the ball around and when you're ready to shoot, you roll up and catch it. So it's like the fastest, hardest shot you can hit because it's almost a full 360 with the man.

So I've seen people, if they're not wearing a sweat band there, will rip the skin open on their wrist. So they still got cutters. So they look super depressed. It's been a while. Yeah, that's what that music doubles really though. You have been playing Fuseball. You've been cutting yourself.

You've been self-harming. Yeah. Fuck you hustled me. I'm going to go see Candle Box in concert. Yeah. I want to go see Seven Mary 3. They're way more ugly. Did you ever, were you ever motivated to get into other arcade sports like air hockey or

like a billion? Don't tank pool. Don't tank. Don't tank. Don't tank. I was really excited. A life of Don Tink. A life of Don Tink.

A life of Don Tink. A life of Don Tink. A life of Don Tink. A life of Don Tink. A life of Don Tink. A life of Don Tink. A life of Don Tink. A life of Don Tink. A life of Don Tink. A life of Don Tink. A life of Don Tink. A life of Don Tink. I'm the plate. Do you ever learn how to guess people's weights? What's up with that? Do you ever learn that? It's a boxing punching bag, yeah.

I mean, my family, it is a very like carny family. So like my parents met playing pro football, but my dad is also like an international yo-yo man and was like a competitive frisbee player for a while. Just I've always grown up around weird hobbies. So I love all bar sports. Like I love air hockey. When you go to Vegas for the Hall of Fame football tournament, it's like the big tournament every year besides worlds.

Usually in a hotel where one room is for foosball and then the next door down is air hockey and then the next door down is ping pong. So I always grew up seeing those other sports played at that level too and There's really like it's only room in your life for for one for one passion Is there is there a ranking of like how to like do a ping pong players look down on foosball players and do foosball players look down on like What's the hierarchy? Yeah, what's the hierarchy? What's the peasant jet soos? I think we all I Like what's the hierarchy? Yeah, what's the hierarchy? What's the peasant yet? So is the show I think we all I think we all know that we're pieces of shit Like I think it's like it would be silly to be like Like you're pink. It's like we're all here in Vegas playing billiards competitively like no

I don't think anybody would judge anybody else. Yeah, no, I would argue ping ball is the least skill pinball Yeah pinball I would argue Ping Ball is the least skill. Pinball? Pinball? It's the least skill. I agree. It's just time. It's a lot of chance in Pinball. It's all, it's complete chance in luck. Chance timing in luck.

I've had a ball last on a Pinball table for four minutes, five minutes before, and then the next exact thing you do just sends it down a hole. It means nothing. Really, all this talk makes me realize how much time I wasted with an alcoholic father who was a bartender and how I picked up none of these skills.

I just, that was absolutely was the window wasted. I could have spent a lot of my formative years getting dirty. Fucking dead. The golden T-soda. Dude, bowling, if I would have gotten really good at bowling when Gary was at the Clear Lake Lanes,

because I can do the toss where I bring it over and it curls, but I could have gotten bigger. I could have gotten bigger and McCracken good. I had a moment with bowling and I had a moment with pool where I thought I could be pretty decent at both, but both of them, I really, you know what it is? I looked at the optics. I go, now these are fat people sports. I don't want to be one to lose weight. I was like, I'm gonna go, so I really, be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonna be I'm gonnaing in the shirts. I'm like, you know guys, we're 14.

I love it. Don't do this. I love it because at the time you could smoke cigarettes at the lane. So I always loved that. That would have been great. I never played in that time. My mom set me up for a life of alcoholism because we went to the mile high flea market with my stepdad and she bought like a discount pool table and put it in our unfinished basement.

And I got, it was all like, you know, in Seinfeld, where George's dad starts a pool room and all the walls are too close. Of course you got, everything's got to be a upshot. Yeah, everything was like, I was up here and then I was like, You're up there though.

When you're up there, how many times did you call a shot where you were like, this one's coming off the tape? Where you were like, I'm jumping, I'm jumping the four, hitting the nine. I could jump and then it would, on the hard floor of the unfinished basement, just like ping, ping, ping,

and jump around like a fucking lacrosse ball. You know what I find? I like games where you can put English on things. That's why I like basketball. You know where you put a little, a little schmutz, a little bit of the grace versus the power. Little how you doing. You know what I mean? And And I think and that's why I always liked about pool. I like it's not so much the uh The drill it in shot. It's the one. You have to put like touch on the top

One of the balls just to yeah, and just get it to roll over. Yeah, those are like and I like things like that games like that now While we were filming the episode Jay had one of the fun. Fuzball for the record is clunky and for ladies. We're saying that can just lose or see as you lose or just lose or complaining. The game's so dumb. It's so dumb. It's so stupid. The rules don't make sense. It does make sense.

Well while we were filming. I thought you getting in on us was us scoring. Yeah. While we were filming the episode. Yeah. Like what? we were filming the episode Jay noticed all the trophies and he was like it was like in between Games and he's like looking at trophies. He's like these are all second place I think there's even a three piece in there. Yeah, there's like a third place one. Oh, 30 place

Couple of do's. So we have a little lot of do's isn't a tray. So we, uh, so for you being on the show today, a couple of us, not me, but a couple of us wanted to bust out a little show and tell them their trophies. Well, Dan wanted to, but he has to win trophies at all. I don't win trophies, dude. I don't think a participation ribbons. No, I don't know what we did right there. Organically, what you did was you just tried to stomp down on me and lose accomplishments by saying, not me. I don't, I think this is stupid, but it's not having trophies. Can I tell you right now, Jay, you're projecting,

because I feel stupid that I don't have a trophy to share, and you have a trophy that you've won. Both insecure, kiss it. Onfail, kiss, kiss it. And Lou. I think Lou has a trophy that could shake Kelsey's confidence. Oh yeah? Because Lou has a trophy that could shake Kelsey's confidence. Oh, yeah, because Lou has Fuckin Minnesota, Lou

That's for what look at that. Oh, you want to talk about a bar sport? Yeah You can call him Lou or you can call him Tina Fetch You've heard of the you've heard of the you've heard of the black widow. Have you heard of the you heard of the black widow have you heard of the brown rec loose Well, you just got seven more shirts coming up with the The brown recluches Lou fucking breaking ball. Oh great. It's for loose finger tips and how he stays to himself Damn, I have never been around somebody who also has a Oh, that'd be great. It's for loose finger tips and how he stays to himself. Damn. I have never been around somebody who also has a trophy, but from a different billiard sport.

Like, do you still play pool competitively? I haven't played this is from like 10 years ago and it's just to run her up, but had we won the last match. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, who you can tell us that? Hold that thing up and let me see what it says. I wanna see the actual grade, man. Now get the words up as close we can go. But had we won the last match? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, generates summer of 2009. Runner up. Runner up. First loser I say. Well how do we want we would want to Vegas. So it was really close. It means nothing. You didn't go to Vegas.

Yeah. Now here Kelsey. I don't mean to come in here, stomping in, but I got myself a trophy. It's a little big to get on the frame. And you'll see that it is for dancing the big J. Ocarson winner rave in the cave dance battle champion 2014 undisputed victory top dog as to it's not you can't see what kind of dancing are we talking here different styles I was there as a job it was called out damn Oh, it was called out. Dan was judging. It was called out It was a grab bag of styles. There it is. Here's a little clip. You want to see it man? Lewis J Gomez versus big J I was so ready to serve his ass. Damn, dude. I remember this I Don't

This might go into his own. This is yeah, J black, but I watched it. We'll put it back out again on At Bonfire SXM. Yeah at the Bonfire SXM on Twitter. We will tweet it out Here is Jay and what was formerly the Creek in the caves back basement room. Yeah, this is where all the real Underground dance competitions happened in New York comedy scene Yeah, I really give you see what you're out while you're out in Los Angeles, Kelsey Real underground dance competitions happened in New York comedy scene Yeah, I really give you see while you're out in Los Angeles Kelsey. We're out in New York. Oh, it's our people We're serving people out here. This is our Latin dance Yeah, well it was Latin dancing Now I should say Joe was married to a Colombian so go big boy go big boy go go big boy go go big boy go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go I was nervous. Who is those? Improved. Oh!

The move. I forgot you did that move, Jay. I tried. You don't want the dance split so bad. It hurts so much. Damn. And then, do we go to where you win it? Um, oh, were they presenting the award, sure?

No, of the last dance. Oh, sure. I think we win a hip hop. Oh, it's part. I forgot it's a five-parter. It's a five-parter. Damn, is it a five-parter? Yeah, dude, shut up for episode. I forgot what happened to that t-shirt. And you did a different style of dance every part?

Yeah, they did this with hip hop. They did salsa. They did freestyle. I think I, oh, yeah, the judges were Amy Ralph and Aaron Berg. Aaron Berg's beard. Let's go. Go further down. Was this all the judging maybe? It might just be. Yeah, it might be part three when we do hip hop. The hip hop is what we need to see because that was really where you can't

lie. You're from West Philadelphia. Excuse me. Then I was alive the entire time. Did you see what I just slow one of the things Kelsey was I just slow. We both had to slow dance with Dave Smith and Lewis Lewis was like fucking wrestling. I almost made love to Dave. We fell we fell into each other's eyes. Deep. Is it is a slow dancing with Dave? This is slow day dancing with Dave and I will say a younger Dave much more into the games like this. Oh yeah. He came

stiffer in his old age. Yeah. Well, he was pretty stiff here. That's why Lewis is good on him. Yeah, you're right. Look at the tender. Oh my god. I love this. Yeah. We became one. So you could see it. Look at that. On the hip holds him down. Damn. Damn. Like he weighs nothing. Just think just like he's holding on. I mean, it was way anything. We were two feathers in the wind this day. It was just. Jay, honestly, when you watch love back like this, look at him swinging to me.

Damn it. There's no way you're looking to win. Boy, oh, boy, boy, boy, where's Jacob? Is Jacob masturbating? He's on my screen anymore. Jacob was too much. I checked out it is worth putting out he just beats up Dave. It's so he's he throws him around like it's all goopy and aggressive. He's sweating profusely. He doesn't want to be he gets so upset with Dave.

It's like a Roman toilet. I think so funny. He really is blocking it. He's so funny. He really is blocking it. He gets so pissed. He throws him. Would you ever put your trophies up against other people's trophies like in a pool off?

Like if we had you play a Lou trophy versus trophy or do you or do you trophy for trophy against Lou and pool? Or I'm saying or dance off. Dance off. I'm saying that would be pretty fun. Would you put up one of your foosball trophies against lose Billiards trophy or Jay's dance trophy. Is it hip hop dance time?

Right. This is where we go. I will say I think my foosball trophies look cooler than your guys is I don't know lose Hold on fucking rules. I got to see this hip hop dance. He was like a whole Fucking rules. I got to see this hip hop dance for like a whole Yeah, this is good shape here, but I have no idea what the hell he's doing. Yeah, this isn't Now let's get to yeah, we got to get the almost fell right there It just looks like he's doing Irish step dancing and then does a swinging back fist Yeah, it's That was just that he was that was real. I got to find that shirt.

I don't even remember what I did, but I bet I'm done. Is this how you start? Oh, I'm just getting loose, dude. I'm a big guy. I always own some version of what's happening there. Yeah, here comes oh My god, I get so pretty shit. Oh that's serving Begin oh Go through your highlight Take this I think I can get it. I give some ass at some point Do you turn it around? I think it's moving, moving, moving, moving, so much time. Better for me. I was out of moves. I was out of it. There it is

It was over before it started There's a lot of questions. You know, that's a that's a to win, Jay, because it really is up to the opinion of the judges, and you did it. Well, I'll tell you what the judges were there. They saw what everybody saw, and I'm sitting here with a trophy. And Lewis is sitting at his house with Buckess. Let's see your hardware. Show your hardware off.

You want to see the piece again? Yeah, sure, dude, show it off. Look at that. That's a two-tier. There's an eagle. Oh my God. That is very majestic. You don't have your trophies around? And then me and Jay, and then me and Jay, and then me and Jay, and then me and Jay, and then me and Jay, and then me and Jay, and then me and Jay, and then me and Jay, Jay, and then me and Jay, and then me and Jay, and then me and Jay, and then me and Jay, and then me and Jay, and then me and Jay, and then me and Jay, and then me and Jay, and Yeah, sure dude showed off look at that That's a two-tiered There's an eagle. Oh my god

That is very majestic. You don't have your trophies around and then me and Dave dancing on top So the the majority of my trophies are on the Rissa Fury set But I have some some plaques, but those don't look as cool I like the few small ones where it's just flames. I get so guy-feary. It's just, yeah, totally. Or with representation of the Ash Fuseball world. Yes, yeah, it's like the dazzle, yeah.

They are the funniest. Go ahead, Jeff. They are the funniest. Trugas is my stepfather, my brother, we're in the powerlifting and stuff. And even when I played basketball there in like the late 90s, I would be like a wreck league and we want a trophy. And like for a while they were making trophies like the trophy is like a crazy muscular

guy. Like it's a, but it's not even like a trophy. It's like a, it's like a small statue of somebody like, just like with like breaking weights in half and like screaming. It's like a small statue of somebody like, just like with like breaking weights in half and like screaming, it's like so overly, they're like a Todd McFarlane like spawn toys, they look like. And it's like, I had a basketball wall

where it was like two arms like carved, it was like gold, but it's just wax. But it's like arms coming up and grabbing at the basketball. It was so dramatic. Like, yes, we said it's all like a picture of teachers. Can we talk about for a sec how, because this part had to get cut out of the episode that's out today is that for punishment,

I wanted you guys to have to call each other's girlfriends and convince each other's girlfriends that you were in jail and see like what scenario you came up with and we had to cut that part and we ended up going with a blindfolded food challenge instead. Which is very erotic. Do you guys... For Jay and I. That was very erotic. People like watch out work with caution because...

Too hot, yeah, and it's up. You will get rock hard. It's a lot. It's a lot. Yeah. Do you guys feel like you made the right choice? Do you think that you could have thought of some crazy situations? No, no, Christine. Nah, she wasn't there for that. She wouldn't have been good dealing with that at that moment.

And Katie's, yeah, and Katie's chick was also saying at a million miles away. Nah. That would have taken down the whole festival if we would have done that one Yeah, man Yeah, but if he was a good idea and also the we the eating weird stuff again I was worried the first time I did Rissafiri I did drink milk with Sriracha in it which was fucking disgusting

So anything besides that was that was all gravy. I could have done that Yeah, I mean when you you play against you, you have to pick Punishment that's gonna you're gonna have to probably do not probably you're just gonna have to do and I guess a question for you Is has there been a comedian on Rissafiri that actually thinks they're Gonna contend or even win? Yeah, Dean Del Rey and Nick Foon Yeah, Dean Del Rey and Nick Foon both of them are playing. I'm playing.

I'm just like, I give killer. I love Fuzball. Oh no, I play all the time. I don't have a sugar, but I'm good at Fuzball. Nicky Six told me how to play in the back of a tour bus. I got an ACDC Fuzball table. Oh, Angus Young actually told me I'd play foosball. And we're both of them immediately like,

oh, I didn't know what I was talking about or did either one of them give you like the, you caught me on a wrong day kind of thing. Both of them were kind of like that. I mean, they both got a few goals on me. Like they were both pretty decent. But yeah, it was more that vibe of like I mean, they both got a few goals on me. Like, they were both pretty decent. But yeah, it was more that vibe of like, if we could keep playing right now,

I bet I could, it's the gambling mindset of, if I keep going, I bet I could lap you and it's like, That's a hustler's dream. Yeah, that's how you make all your money is a hustler. It is a hustler, it's great. But isn't the hustler's thing ultimately, if you drop one for real, they'll get out. You're like, oh, we'll live to find another day.

I thought the hustlers, the hustlers will never really generally get turned around. If they lose, they're like, oh, I guess this person might be better and I'll cut my losses and do this again in another bar tomorrow. The loser is the one who's like, this is the one, this is the one here. You're probably by three wins for life. That fourth one's probably the one is the winner. Have you ever been worried? Have you ever played someone when you're hustling

them in a bar after a show and they're actually like good enough for you to be like, ooh, fuck, this might be a problem? That did happen in Fort Collins. So I told you before that your home state, your home state, is full of really, really great foosball players. That's a big foosball state. And a guy, what a fucking car is trash thing to be known for? Good job. Put that on your license plate. You fucking mountain hillbillies. We're known for stealing land, brewing beer and fucking playing table, playing table. A lot of good foosball on them there, mountains. He goes with problems. Think about foosball is an aim of mountain lion.

I can't rip off your face. Yeah. Foosball and Neil Young at Red Rocks every five years. Brother or three, nothing I love, then barely breathable air and playing a little bit of faceball. Cold blowjob and a warm beer. A heavy sit woman. There ain't nothing I love than barely breathable air and playing a little bit of baseball. Cold blowjob and a warm beer. A heavy set woman.

I'm good to go. G2G. I love double socks, some hacking boots, and playing some bar sports. Holy shit. So I had shows in Fort Collins, and then I went to a bar next door, and it happened twice in one night where

The got the bartender came out from behind the bar and was like I want to play I was like okay, and we start playing and I was like oh shit He's actually he's he's good. I ended up beating him and then he pulls up his sleeve And he has a foothold man tattooed on his fucking vice up He had one of the players on his arm I was like whoa that's a first that this dude is so committed that he has a tattoo and tried to hustle me but then a second guy came up did the same thing where he's like oh yeah like we should play and we start playing

he was really good I beat him then he goes let's play one more time I was like okay and then he beat me the second time and I was like fuck like, and then he beat me the second time. And I was like, fuck, like I, and so I had to give him the money back. And that was such a shitty feeling. I should have just, after I knew that he was good and I beat him the first time I should have just walked away. But he came back and beat me the second game.

He does losses. He's like, yeah. Yeah, I hate it. I hate it. He's a former pro. He's like a national champion this guy. What's the most you ever made tonight? I think right now it's like 250.

Which I know doesn't sound like that much, but the fact that you're walking into a bar and you're just getting that from Fuseball is exciting. 250 in other areas doesn't sound like that much money, but. No, but playing a game, hell yeah. It seems also like. What if Buck Hunter just fed you out some money? How'd you that mean? That's exciting. If I could walk with two bills because of ski ball, you best believe I'd be fucking doing it all the way.

All the corners, and that's it. Bounce off the side and then it fucking go in. It's all English as Jay says. It's all about the English. All the English. You just gotta let it roll off your fingers. Also, I'm just going to go in there. Hustle people with ski ball has to be such a weirder cell where you're like, I try it when I'm like, I don't know how this game works.

Do I just put the ball in the hole? Would want to play for money? I like it also, by the way. Talk about, there's no regulation of ski ball. Every one of those targets are all bashed in and fucking droopy in a shit. Yeah, they're all just fucking. Yeah, it's all stroke mouth, fucking holes.

Just being like, I'm not gonna get this in there. There was a guy, oh, go ahead, Jack. No, go ahead, you. Oh, I just say there's a guy in Florida who said that he would play me for a thousand dollars Wow, and that's scary. Is that in that intimidate you being like if he's this sure He's got to be good. No, he was just like a drunk right it out. I was gonna say he probably wanted to meet you Yeah, well, I was already back at my hotel I had like hustled, gone back to sleep,

and my feature was still hanging out at the bar, and he texted me, he was like, if you're still love, there's a guy here who will play you for $1,000. And I was like, shit, do I get dressed again and go back out and play this guy and make $1,000, except after I've already basically fallen asleep. And so I told my feature, he was like,

you gotta really make sure with this guy that he's not just fucking And so I told my feature was like, you gotta really make sure with this guy that he's not just fucking around. And so my friend was like, she's thinking about getting up and coming back here. Are you really gonna do it? And he was like, there should be like, don't worry, bro, was it wacky Vera?

What was her name? He goes, he goes, he goes, he goes, he goes, if she plays in a bikini, I'll do it. And I was just like, this fucking dildo, like, so we kind of call them on his bluff, but I'm happy I didn't go all the way back there for that dude.

She puts on a gumby suit and then all we play is after doing four shots of fireball. If she lets me and my buddy, you're a golf hunter shoulder. Yeah. If she lets me finger her, I'll fucking do it. And what, no, fucking yeah, people are. $1,000 versus me putting my hand

in you. Yeah or you piss and filigator aid bottle in maybe I'll play. P in this. Yeah. One of the skinny ones. Nothing crazy. Yeah. That's a real floor to shit. Have you ever hooked up from Fools ball? My guess would be no. No. No. That would be like a guy where you're like, oh, look at that shot. Even nationals, huh? You're nationals. No. I mean, when somebody's good at food,

why is he gone? Why is he gone? Quasigong was in from North Korea? Yeah. What about? In turn, y'all know? What about Clint Crackshot? Sacramento's top foodball player.

He goes, oh, look who's here. Is this his first? You have a history with him where you go. Hockey the glasses. Yeah, he goes, Hey, Kale, say you do it in a while since we've been on the table together. You still got your temper. Did you teach stuff to play like super care? Was it when you taught yourself to play? Was it super intricate? Like you'd set like defenses up like different ways and figure out how to like eat through those?

Is that what it is? You just like, because I would think how do you practice besides playing, but there's got to be a way to like set up situations, right? Yeah. Stand up. Stand up. Stand up. One of those things where we can only practice by actually doing it, right?

There's no shortcuts. With baseball, you do have to not only play somebody, but you have to have a lot of time on your own to do shots over and over and over. So you do set your defenders up, and then you will shoot like a long push shot 50 times in a row so that it becomes muscle memory, basically. So yeah, you do what you're saying, you do. Do you have a table at home? I did, and then I moved and put it in storage. It's not a very

apartment-friendly sport. It's so fucking loud. Oh my god, I would fucking kill my neighbors if they played foosball all the time. Yeah, it's not. And then the sound of the scoreboard going and like, shut the fuck up! It's fucking 11 p.m. Who's playing fucking foosball? Those are sad days in quarantine last year where it was just like me and a foosball table and I would just practice and be like, this is so sad. Yeah. Once this opens up, everyone's fucked. I hope you'll forgive my odd silence.

I've never interviewed a professional athlete before. J.S. C. Big. before. Jay's a loss for words. I, how do you do what you do? I can always say it by Jay is intimidated by peer greatness. I met Lance Armstrong once. Same aura. I was that one. That was one of all aura. I was that one. That was all aura.

I was mentally on a flight with Kevin Durant. And can I tell you, you're giving me the same energy. You give me real Katie vibes. It's like you could like bang a bunch of threes at Rucker Park. Well, the episode is out today of Rissa Fury. You can go watch Jay and I get the shit kicked out of us at Moon Tower Comedy by Kelsey. Make sure you subscribe because the show is fun. It's fun to watch her embarrass all these comics. They've been on it before. You're our first returning guest, Dan.

Woo! Good to know I lost twice. So good at losing. I came back to do it again. Oh, you're a fucking hustler stream too. You all day sucker. You felt first shit. Oh my god It goes I'm probably just gonna stop playing in the middle of the game and just get myself off in front of you I can't believe y'all fell for that bullshit. Oh, man. What do you think I'm gonna do that? That's that's indecency That's public indecency man. You act a mad crazy right now Where the public check a lot Well, Kelsey is also cool. Uh, I'm a good a die hard than Bruce Willis

For tickets and other tour dates visit Kelsey cook calm. Thanks for coming on the show and thanks for just you know Beating a shit out of us in cruise ball. We all learn something new and Lou I'm glad you busted out that fucking billiards trophy and Jay you're the best dancer I've ever seen Am I? God damn you got moved You doubted that you ever had moves You'd love to move your body. Yeah, it's impressive I love to move my body. Thank you guys for having me

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