The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Beating Up Sam Roberts

Episode Date: September 10, 2025

Today is the day that Howard Stern returns to SiriusXM radio to announce if he is retiring or not and Bobby has the scoop on what the King Of All Media is going to reveal. If Mr. Stern leaves the satellite universe, The Bonfire will most likely have to physically fight Sam Robert's Show to win the morning slot and the Howard studio. | Kevin Hart speaks on gentrification of the black community and it sounds a lot like the speech in the movie Boyz In The Hood. | Many A-List comedians are performing at a festival in Saudi Arabia and some of them are gay. This may be a problem given the treatment of LBGTQ people in Muslim countries. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.

And now, the Bonfire with Big J. O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. All right. I can't take it anymore. We've waited long enough. What did Howard Stern say today? Jacob? You don't know? Hmm?

You don't know? I know. Bobby knows. DJ Lou. I'm not playing Jacob's little wacky game here. Howard Stern, big news. September 2nd. He's coming back.

We're coming back. He had big news. What happened? Give it to me straight. I woke up a little late Black Lou you work here you got your finger on the pulse

Everyone thinks you're the coolest dude here Because you're one of five black people Now Howard Stern, big news Four Came back today They fired four Oh shit

One of four Really? They got rid of Marcus? Marquise Marcus is gone It was with a cue Marquise It was going to be him

Or Lavelle But they kept Lavelle Oh shit Damn I'm going to miss Marquise. You're one of four black people here, so clearly you have your finger on the polls. Howard Stern's coming back or not.

Today was the big discussion. There was trailers made about it. Tune in September 2nd. Here it is. The mysteries are over. We're going to lay it all out. What's going on with Howard Stern's Future? I chose not to listen today because I wanted to come in fresh to the building, feel the energy in the

building. It does feel electric and alive in here. There's a buzz in the building. I can only assume what was said. Black Lou, lay it on me. Howard Stern's moves for the future are You know I didn't hear a thing about it Oh my God Any callers? Do we have callers?

Does anybody know what happened with Howard Stern? Jacob, you know. You want to tell us. I know. Do you? Why are you going to say it like that? Who called you? Well, why did you say it like that? You heard that, right? You listened.

Did everybody hear it? No, it was on the radio. No, your tone. I didn't know you listened to it. Your tone You're reading a tone I've done nothing but missed the shit out of you You didn't take any of my phone calls this week

First of all you call me You put me in the queue Your cue and my cue They overlap Our cues That's fair I called you at six in the morning That's a fair overlapping

While I was walking doodles through the woods I gave you a shout out And you didn't pick up Okay, it's fair You call me at like 1142 Who's a little phone tag A little bit of phone tag. Our cues are different times, for sure, for sure.

No, I'm just saying when you, if we could rewind a little bit, I said, I know, and you said what? I said, do you? Do you hear that? Do you? I didn't know you listened. Okay. Today was a big announcement.

Yeah, I heard. September 2nd. I know what's happening. What's happening? You know what? You're right. Drum roll, make it big. Howard Stern returns to the air.

wave September 2nd and says he's going back to regular radio he's going back to terrestrial radio everybody wow but he's signing on with opi and anthony shut the fuck up and anthony are coming back with Howard it's called the Howard

opi in a show holy shit and Jim Norton is fourth mic get the fuck right out of town it's crazy it's crazy I heard they were going to have Audi Lang on a little zoom box in the corner too he's actually in the box with Robin with Robbins in the Zoom box.

It's Robin and Ardy Lane, yeah, that's right. That is going to be one powerhouse show. Stutter and John's back. No way. I swear to God and they hired Cedern John suing people. Kevin Brennan is a writer.

Get the fuck in it down. He's on the show writing. Shut up. Sue Costello, something. She's doing something in there. Sue Costello is actually one of the EPs. Shut the fuck up, dude. Pure genius.

Yeah. Front the back, top the bottom. The fuck are we doing today, kid. You want to talk about the fucking news? You want to fucking come up and be close to me like that again you fucking now I was suspicious of what the

thing was going to be yeah I speak in Costello let me tell you something this I was in suspense all weekend oh my god of course you were it's scary what it's like heights invoking

invoking her name we're not Sue Costello enemies over here there's nothing to be afraid of I love her I've she brings me much to entertainment no heat here morning sugar muffins

watching the actresses reward each other's clothes or address they award another event in 2020 at the Venice Film Fest is warming my heart oh influencers in fast fashion can be very tacky well made things worn a lot is more than a touch of class it's sustainable

hello she did it for your purse and energy as well Who doesn't love it, dude? Everybody does. Jacob a lot, though. Sustainable? Come on. I think Jacob has a crush.

Come on, Lou Sussing up. Has Sousin up? Dude, Lou Sussing up, bro. I love plugging the name in. Now, if he, he, Howard, did they offer him a deal? Is there a deal on the table? Do you know anything? Does anybody know anything?

Is there a deal? Wait, I don't want you up ahead. because I don't know if you know this, but when Sue did a tough crowd, the women would ask how she did it. Every woman, because she was the only woman, I guess, ever. That's true.

And here's the answer. She didn't let the men gang up and intimidate her. They would literally not laugh at her hilariousness so that the audience wouldn't laugh. They laughed and emailed me that my brilliance intimidated them. Thank God for the men who secretly support me. She did it again.

She's done it again. She has done it again. I support you, Sue. Just real quick. Fact check. Judy Gold, Sarah Silverman, Laura Kilmartin, Lynn Coplitz,

Wanda Sykes, Kathy Griffin, Janine Garfalo, and Carol Montgomery were also on the show. That was plenty. That's plenty. There's a lot of women.

That's so many fucking women. That's a lot of women. Yeah, look at that. Geroff? The Garofinator. Coplets? Yeah. What is it?

fucking that's crazy but you know she did it sue did it but i do support her claims oh of course you do you're saying that i don't fuck sue fuck sue dude dude chill chill out no i'm saying so so instead of you okay good i'm saying fuck you to you but it's sue fuck sue fuck sue i get i get nervous i'm not no no no no no no no no no I'm fucking scary. One day she'll surprise us and be on the show. One day she's going to sue us. She's going to sue sue us.

Sue Sue, Sue, Studio. God damn. Howard Stern, as I assume the world does know unless you're under a fucking rock. Or just couldn't give two shits anymore about any of this. But just bailed today. He's gone. This morning, no. No, I don't think he's gone.

There's no news. He just, this morning, came up and said, yeah, he goes, ah, we're going to come back on the 8th. So he just moved it to next Monday. This morning. It's, that's really crazy. They made a poster and everything, huh? Howard speaks. The poster, there was a commercial that was like, epic.

It's fucking genius. To get everybody so whipped up about it and then to just make us wait. make a poster how it stern speaks is pretty close out today's date and then put the eighth instead yeah it's pretty genius it's pretty wild yeah because now i really want to know i can't wait it's like having uh i like i like goals in life i like have a little little missions and now i have a goal till next was it the monday yeah yeah yeah that's something to look forward to we have to be howard stern studio ready by that day because i hear if he leaves they're giving it out immediately I want to be first in line

Who do we fuck up first? Who do we take out in this place? Christine, go through the in-house New York series X-M talent We know who we're going to have to take out first Bennington. No, not Bennington.

Bennington's too hip. He's not going to want to go. He doesn't want to take someone else's old shit. Bennington's too hip. He's going to want to stay where he is. He doesn't need fancy hurrah to make radio. Yeah, I think Jacob

just nailed it. I don't think so. Sam? Sam Roberts? I think Mr. Roberts is fully putting his feet on the ladder of success. They're going to give him a whole wing for wrestling talk? Well, wrestling and the morning show. He's the morning show. He's the morning show and then he does a wrestling show. But he's just a tiny little guy. He doesn't need all that room. He's not tiny anymore. He gets the no, no, no. I don't mean as a personality. He's a small guy. Not with the guess he's getting. You see The guest he's getting? No, not small. You're making it that I'm attacking his. His penis is not that small today.

I'm not talking about his penis either. I'm talking about he's not a big, he doesn't take a lot of space as a human being. No, he got fat. He's not fat. Dude, he got fat. How dare we call him that. Are you out of your mind? That is a, it's a carmic mistake.

That is. We're forgetting how famous. Fat calling the kettle fat. What? We're forgetting how famous Andy Cohen is. Who's that? But is he here? Enough.

Well, he doesn't. Good answer, Bobby. Who the fuck is Andy Cohen? God damn right. You know who Andy Cohen is. I don't. Don't you want the, it would be called the Bonfire Compound?

Yes. Oh, we want it to call. You want Key Card Access to get into the Bonfire compound? No, not the compound, the camp. Yeah, the camp. The bombfire camp. That's our encampment. That's our camp.

What do you mean? Ooh. I like compound. I know you do because you're a fucking, you're a fucking white supremacist. That's why. And we have to actually. You want a TV studio? A place to put your Hitler books.

The bonfire yard. The yard? Or maybe the bonfire camps. You make it something like internment camps. Camps. All right. Well, I mean, I don't know if that's going. That might fly.

Actually, nowadays, that actually will get us in there. And as you walk by, as you walk by the, because we don't need all those offices back there. So the unused offices will just be housing, like refugees and shit, like scared refugees. We could always have a train noise in the background. Yeah. And a train leaving or coming. You know what I mean?

And all you'll notice the whole time is one little girl holding a red... Balloon? Balloon. A balloon? A balloon. Which is balloon. Oh. Oh, there it is.

Perfect. That's the train coming to take you to certain doom. Yeah. Welcome to the bonfire comedy camps. Fuck. Andy Cohen said flat out. He actually, him and Stern had a minor gripe because he went on his show and said he wanted to go in there and he said that he, said that he wants that studio as soon as Howard's done.

And Howard was like, dude, don't have such like jock riding bullshit. He's like, do your own thing. You don't care. You don't want my studio. And, uh, but Andy Cohen's gay. That doesn't, that's not going to deter him. He's like, Howard doesn't understand how fabulous it's going to be. I heard Big Jim was going to make that as office.

It's very possible. He's actually taking the whole wing. Oh, they killed the little girl. And he's putting a pickleball court in the wing. Oh, they show her face for no reason. What is this? What are we looking at? Liam Neeson, being crying over all the dead Jews being dragged around. Jesus. So they have kids.

Yeah, Bobby. These are the kind of emotions you're going to deal with when you finally decide to acknowledge the Holocaust happened. This is a movie, Jay. Huh? This is a movie. I understand. So was Passion of the Christ, do you believe that? You believe the Passion of the Christ.

It's so weird that they had that wheelbarrow and only two kids on it. I know. You could fit more. They could have fit more for sure You need three wheelbarrows Absolutely but they really wanted to showcase the The girl with the red The girl with the red coat

Was that the girl? Oh, that's so sad See? Oh, what a sad She's the only thing in color They want you to follow her story Yeah Of this cute little girl So you can see when she's dead on a wheelbarrow That's what they want to make you feel

Mm-hmm Jesus Christine I am That's a Ari, he deserved it Oh okay that was also to Ari RRI Ari does deserve to be accused of being a Jew You're a Jew

Yeah He is He is He is Ari would have been killed First Oh my God Now he would have finagled his way

To be in the F. Murray Abraham guy He would have been typing for Schindler And doing whatever Making him laugh I'm like she's adorable This little girl I know too bad they're gonna burn her face off Oh did they

Huh Is that what they did? Depends who you're asking me, or Mel Gibson. Who you asking me? I think they did. Oh, my God. Oh, there she is. I know.

Oh, that is so sad. They did burn her. I know. She was very smart, too. This is the fucking worst fucking movie ever. I watched this movie one time, never again. Yeah, well, it's not really like a fucking rewatcher. Yeah, it's not like The Godfather, too.

You watch it anytime it's on? I was thinking more like, you know, rad or gremlins. Jacob will flip a beer open. time this is on. Oh. He'll watch it three cruders away through, sit down and watch the rest of it. Jacob loves a good alone cry, I bet.

A good alone cry about of Judaism. I mean, we watched this loop five times since you've brought up this conversation. I'm going to keep looping it until you fucking lose that boner, mister. If he was going to sit here with a hard dick all day looking at this little girl, the whole life trajectory. So sad.

Now, who should go into the bed and hide? Yeah. How'd they find her? Who knows, Bobby? Look at her walking through the street. Nobody's acknowledging. I don't know, Bobby, because they're the superior race. Yeah, and they looked.

Because they looked under the bed, stupid. Oh, they checked under a bed for a child? Hey, hey, make sure. Hey, guys, nobody's here. Check under bed. The bed? That would suck. Do you check under the bed yet?

Nine. The funny thing is they never checked the attic. I know. Fucking Anne Frank, how smart of them by going to higher ground. Did I say, addict right? Or did I say it like Voss? Attic. Addict.

He says addict. Oh, he said addict. When it's an addict. He says attic when it's addict. An addict when it's attic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, don't look to him for like speaking. That's true.

Not anymore, at least. If you did, that's your own fault. I did. I did for four years. And it really took me down a path I didn't want to go. Listen, I'm not worried about Andy Cohen. I'm telling you I could wreck his shit with ease. I'm telling you.

Sam Roberts is, I'm thinking. telling you right now he's going to try to get in there and get a piece of it not all of it bobby yeah this i'm describing his physical combat in the hallways here and i'm telling you sam roberts can't beat us up together no fucking chance at that they got that fucking tattooed uh samoan that works for them who what's his name Troy Troy he's a dangerous guy he's not a Samoan I know I don't I know I was thinking of a word to call him that would be offensive, but not offensive. Is he just fat?

Do you want me to just hand out facts? Is Troy a fat guy? No, he's not. Well, he's got a little, he's bigger. Is he jacked? He's a big guy. Troy's a problem. And Travis, people, they don't think

Travis is a problem. You like your Achilles? You like walking? Is he little? No, he'll jump down to the ground and bite your Achilles right out. Why do you believe that to be true? Because look at him.

I don't know what these people look like. Oh, look at it. They all look like a very, creation of Sam. Who's that? That's Troy. Now, he's a problem. No, that's light work for DJ Lou.

DJ Lou, you think he can take Troy? It's tough. Lou. Give me somebody else. Lou. Come on. Are we going to have to stick? Are we going to have to send?

Okay, so I guess here's what we've got to happen. We got to have Bobby, Jacob, and Black Lou get on each other's shoulders with a trench coat. Let me finish the idea. All right. You guys are going to fight Troy together to three. of you listen we got to stop because you're forgetting one-eyed mic i don't know who that is who's this one-eyed mike that's travis Travis is a problem for nobody that's jacob's work

he's a problem for the people at disney this drink is not cold oh i bet yeah i have an easy pass i'm supposed to be on this ride within 20 minutes Jacob look me in the face right now and tell me you couldn't fuck up Travis I will you All right, cool. I will. Easily. Done deal. Easy work.

Do me a favor. Wrap leather around your ankles because that's what he'll go for first. Consider it done. Okay, great. Sam looks like he wants the compound. I'm going to go up, Sam. Me and Sam are going to go one-on-one here because everyone's pushing out over here at this place. I'm going to have to go.

I mean, I'm going to need help, but I'm going to have to go. No, you and Blacklou are going to have to work on Troy. Well, who's going to work on one-eyed Mike? Where's one-eyed Mike? I didn't see one-eyed Mike. Go back. This might be a Christine job. Well, he's just going to have to do some sexual stuff because this guy was in the military.

Oh, okay. So here's what we're going to have to do. We're going to have to swing over Travis to Christine. Christine might be able to beat up Travis. Jacob's not going to take one-eyed Mike. No, we're not two-on-one one on Mike Mantone. That's the big guy. I think Christine is going to have to use sex to take care of Mike.

What do you mean? Like, just like flush him out? She's going to have to, like, promise him things if he stays out of it. Let's see. There he is. he's jacked is he jacked yeah look at those arms dude

he's jacked he's got crazy eyes he's got one eye he's missing an eye he's missing an eye yeah military action all right so here's the thing

he's got one eye Jacob you and black loo just keeps circling this guy he's gonna get confused at some point and fall over all right we gotta stop real quick which eye is missing

the right the one our right his left but are you sure that's the missing one because that could be the fake one that's open, all the wide. Yeah, that's a missing one with the fake eye.

The missing one is the right one, or is the left one? Our right or his right? Right, this right, that eye right there. That right. I think the open eye, the big open eye, is probably the fake. I would like to see Christine Black Widow seducing. I would like to see that too. I bet you would.

All right. What the, Christine, I guess the jury's in, you're fucking, you're fucking some. So what is it? We're taking him out, one eye mic out. I think Christine takes one eye with a little seduction. You guys would rather tag team Troy than a military guy with one eye? You're not going to take Troy out because he's married, and he just got married. That's my specialty.

You know what? I forgot about that. This homewrecker, we're misusing her fucking talents. This homewrecker from Hunting and Beach. Homoosa. Whatever. Homoosa. We set her up with Troy, wrecked that marriage, destroy it.

and the rest of us take out one-eyed mic you take out sam i'll get sam and you're gonna you're gonna take out Travis yep all right you got you know what you're doing with Travis do not um do not underestimate Travis okay underestimate me I know but his you both do that by the way all of this can rock at skankfest yeah legitimately I'll tell you what though they both have twatty tone yeah and twat face down there's no way that guy I just saw the pictures of is doing what Jacob does with resistance band work every week there's no chance yeah but he could be doing it he could be really he goes to like uh disney world like 17 times a year sure walking around his legs are solid it doesn't matter yeah i'm telling you jacob is like jacob's in the shape of like i don't

know how to describe it like jane fonda in like 87 jack lillane yeah yeah jacob's in jack lillane shape okay so we got this down so i guess i'm gonna take sam what are you going to do the Sam? Huh? What are you going to do to Sam? I'm going to complete with full power wrestling moves because he'll think we're playing around. And then I'm going to actually and then I will actually suplexing him. You're going to rampage Jackson's son? Yes. Sam, I'll go full Raja Jackson on you. You're going to rush out Jackson, throw him down. Yeah, I'm going to be like, Sam, let me pick you up and do a little slam on the ground and then I'll, and then you'll reverse it. But when he thinks I'm playing around, I'm going to, I'm going to beat him unmercifully. And by the time he wakes up,

it's going to be too late. We have the studio. We're in the studio. It doesn't matter. It doesn't or our chairs are in there got it he really loves Disneyland it's ridiculous it's a thing he actually said to me this how much he loves Disneyland I love Travis but he said I said I was thinking going to bringing Max we've never been and he was like please let me book it for you is Max gay no Disneyland's great Max didn't want to go oh no Max is not gay got you but in my brain I'm like I've never went Don's never went maybe we should take him are you gay No, not anymore Oh, okay

No We went to Universal instead Oh You guys are by Yes But we thought that You know, okay We should probably take Max

So he goes to it But then he didn't want to go But he was like Travis was like Please let me book it for you I guess if you are going to Disney World He will book you The most amazing

Trip And get you everything That you should get Because he's been so many times Oh look at him He bullied his daughter and becoming an athlete so she can win a championship so they can have a reward of going to Disneyland.

That'd be hilarious. What a terrible father. If she wins and like, where are you going? And she goes, not Disneyland. Oh, it's so right. Where are you going? Six flags. Dary and Lake.

No! Six flags, Richmond, Virginia. Canterby Lake, Salem, New Hampshire. No, we're great. Some of the best arrest videos I'll watch are from Disneyland because it's the greatest juxtaposition because they're the worst trash on earth with bunny ears

and goofy walking around and they're just horribly drunk, beating up everyone. Really? Oh, I see it's black guys walking out and threatening the police officers while there's just children around, everyone eating icies and people

cheers and all goes, and he's just walking around and goes this butt some bullshit. Put that gun down, motherfucker. It'd be totally different. And he's just big, hot nuts! Hot nuts! With Minnie Mouse walking past him. It's the best. Really?

All right, Jacob. I mean, you have to eliminate. I'd say eliminate Travis quickly. Can I just say that? And then you could jump in the action with... He's my office mate. With Bobby, I believe Bobby's having sex with Troy. I'm going to say this, though, watch out for his wife, because his wife is a problem.

She's tough. Jacob. His wife is a problem. If she's around, do not go at him. Jacob. She will take you down. You could put her down with one backhand of the job. I swear to God

I'm telling you right now she doesn't go to Disneyland you understand me she works at the docks she has a hard hat and a vest you understand she she brings home the bacon do you understand what I'm saying

she carves the bacon I swear she works at the docks I'm not even kidding you she works at the docks she's no joke Jacob one back hand to the face unconscious I guarantee you buddy do not

underestimate. Do you watch these videos how easy it is to knock out a lady? It's crazy how easy it is. Give him that advice for Travis. Don't give that advice for his wife. Dude, it is insanely it's insanely easy to knock out girls. It's hilarious. I mean, it's

fucked up every time. But it's so it's always like a second thought. They're like scurrying around while a guy's trying to fight like their boyfriend or something. They're like scurrying around the guy and grabbing them or hitting with a purse. And then eventually the guy has a three second way. window and he goes let me just bap all right now where were we like he just has to like let me just

incapacitate her for 15 minutes with one shot did you ever see when the russian guy this russian lady comes over just i mean balls out you fucking motherfucker and slaps this guy in the face and he does not hesitate to knock her off her feet like a cartoon into a fucking bar and she just you can see her in her face she goes i fucked up it's like I'm watching great compilations of women cops fucking up. There's some goodies. There's one lady where they go, the guy tries to drive away when they're pulling him over. And they go, tase him, tase him, tase him.

And you hear, and then the girl, cops just standing, and she goes, oh, my God, I pulled the wrong gun, and I shot him. And then just down the street, you just hear the car crash into something because the guy's just fucking shot in his car. And then she's like, oh, my God, I just did that. Oh my God, oh my God, I just did that. There's another one where it's like three famous ones. The other one, the girl, is the guy said he has a gun or something on him or something,

and then she's like frisking him for it and just shoots him in the fucking leg. Like with the gun, like that he's like, he told her it. It was like, it was a legal gun. He's like, I have my gun, though. And she shoots him right in the leg with it. She grabbed it by the trigger. It's, dude, it's so fucking funny. What was the one with the girl cop that she takes?

She shouted Taser, but she hit the other girl cop in the fucking in the side. Yeah, zipping each other. It's so fucking funny. I watched, they got so frustrated. Not frustrated as the wrong word. I thought it was funny, actually, but I saw Kevin Hart on something explaining finances, like how black people were, like, kept behind the eight ball in the hood financially. And he goes to this eloquence.

speech about what's going on in the hood until you realize quickly is are you just giving larry fishburn's furious style speech from boys in the hood it's the exact speech in the middle of the movie when he just takes tray and rickie to the thing he's like he goes liquor store check cash in place that's what they do they always want to keep it down how come there's no this business and what kind of these business kevin does that earnestly in a speech he just gives this thing like they want to keep you spending cash so you can't build credit so you can't do this one goes Shut the fuck up. We used to do a furious style speech.

It's crazy. He goes, are you assuming nobody here is heard? Yeah, play this first, and you can find Kev's thing. If this was a slapstick movie, you could maybe believe that right there. They're in the most dangerous part of Compton. This is 90s. Everyone's drinking 40s out of bags on the front. Everyone's got a gun, and they're all killing each other.

No one's afraid to die in this part of the world. It's so dangerous. They don't, no one has grass on their lawn. It's just, it's just dirt lawn. Even the grass is like, I'm the fuck out of here. Yeah, green flight, they call that. It's going green fleeing, green fleeing. Yo, man, we used to have grass in this neighborhood, motherfucker.

So, Ricky is cartoonishly as usual drinking an entire half gallon of milk as he always is because they want you to know that he's an athlete and he constantly has to drink calcium. Never made sense. By the way, in fact, he gets shot because he got shot because he was looking down, doing a scratch-off on the back of his fucking milk he just bought.

But it's such a prop milk. It says milk in such a huge lettuce. Oh, it's just milk. Not even whole skin, 2% vitamin D. It's just red milk. Red and white milk. but this is a so yeah he starts giving this speech to them he wants to explain to him about

how the hood works why things are meant to keep you down and he takes them out to the middle of like the scariest hood in a suit no less well he's wearing he's dressed nice for work and I'm not sure what the job is he has that requires this outfit why he still has to live in the shittiest neighborhood in the universe but all right he works at the whiz nobody beats the whiz he's a manager at the whiz You got caught by its whole name. He's a manager over, nobody beats the whiz. So he gives the speech.

Did you find Kevin's too? Well, here. It's him sitting and talking. I just want to make sure it's the right one. You'll know which one it is, right? He's like in front of an audience talking to somebody. I don't know if it's on his social. It might have been a YouTube thing.

All right, let me try to find it. But it's called gentrification. So, yeah, I first. forgot about that on this speech though so he starts speaking and you see a guy dressed nice in this area probably what they're going to come out and do is tell him to run his fucking watch in pockets but instead they come off their porches with guns and stuff and they go brother teaching us something yeah okay that's probably how it would work yeah play it what happens when the property value of a certain area is brought down look at the old black guy

came in I know congregate it's so ridiculous it's like it's like when all the animals sang and three amigos when they were going to bed it's cartoonish but how did they how did they hear them from across the street i don't know he's like oh he's talking oh this guy must be given some real good actual factuals over there and they don't come up to ask no questions like what the fuck you guys doing here children gang member open drinking no one gives a fuck there's an old guy with a cane that's heard this before that's a musical that's how that's a musical how they enter the stage oh by the way that's ralow from sanford and son the old black guy Yeah.

I think he's got a line or two in this. And how, I think he said, he goes, It's these young motherfuckers with or something. He goes, now, hold a bow, man. Now, I don't know if you know this, but Kevin Hart told me, if you buy your own golf course and then put a fast food vegan place on it.

If you buy your own. I hate the advice of millionaires. What you got to do is you got to get yourself a bunch of old cars. Yeah. Worth like, you know, $80 million each. Don't just wear underwear. When you find the underwear you like,

Buy the company. Buy the company. Yes. I go back to the Furious styles. Ain't nobody from outside bringing down the property value. It's these folks shooting each other and selling that crack, rock, and shit. You're just the ones who love it. Supplying demand, baby.

The black people did not bring crack in the neighborhood. But when it got there, boy, did they love it. By the way, the acting codes there are, you can't see this at home, but everyone just giving like quiet nods, like these thugs and they're like, nods like in slight agreements, like your mind's being blown by this. Did you see that girl just did this? She went, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Jacob was doing the same thing, though, as he was giving the speech. And you know, Jacob was like, mm-hmm, that makes sense. Did you mean Grady?

That's great. Yeah, he gave you his real name. Oh, yeah, I said Rallo, Grady. That's what I meant. Oh, is he Grady? From Stanford, son. Oh, okay. Who's Rallow?

The son on the Cleveland show It's the only Rallo I know I'm such a I'm such an ass hell I was like I was so happy No there's a Rallo on one of those shows Really? One of the old black shows Would it be good times or something? Grady

Who the fuck is that? Hey Hey! Who was that? I don't know who was it? Looks like a sports guy But he didn't he didn't come in He came in and stayed Yeah he stayed

he came in and stayed like we were going to invite him in like he must have recognized you all right you know what dude I just became number fucking two on my shit list for who's getting that stern studio after after I clean house with Sam Roberts after I paint the walls with his blood then this guy's fucking next

please why is there a gun shop at almost every corner in this community oh here it goes why is it that there's a gun shop on almost every corner in this community why tell you what for the same reason that there's a liquor store

on our most empty corner in the black community why they want us to kill ourselves best way you can destroy your people you take away their ability to reproduce them and we almost did it too

if it wasn't for you pesky kids and we would have done it too if it wasn't for your awesome style and hip-hop music we all fell in love with if you didn't take all this stuff this bad stuff and make it into good stuff

Now you've got grass Here take this really shitty part of the chicken I don't care I think everyone's enjoying and eating wings And we go It looks delicious How did you make it so delicious Here

Take the fucking asshole of the vegetables And do whatever you want with it You boil it down Made it pretty soft huh It's good season you got right there It's pretty good Give me back that shitty part of the tree now I want it now

What I'm not supposed to do? Get eyebrows? Yeah, first thing's first. Get some fucking eyebrows. What the fuck? A black dude with no eyebrows is the most frightening thing I've ever seen in my life. God damn. Alopecia?

That was a style thing. That's actually his name, M.C. Al Lupecia. God damn it. Milk. But it's not even in good writing. It's like he painted it with a brush. I don't.

care you can't fucking pound quarts of milk all day it's so sick it's a challenge it's in california it's hot it's like who's fucking think it i didn't even over think it's in california he's like it's a dry heat motherfucker i don't think i've ever seen somebody drinking a card of milk outside oh well let me tell you something rickie in front of the fridge rickie is never not and his milk has a scratch-off ticket on it too by the way and that's how he gets killed scratching off his milk scratch off it's a dry he fucking somebody trying to rope me i'm gonna shoot that motherfucker go back to go to kev's thing now oh god this this guy

they're gonna get a check they're gonna cash it there's a liquor store right next to it let's just put you to be cash driven that's how we keep the poor it's not until you understand Let me tell you something, young brother Hang on, let me take a sip of my milk Hang on Now, y'all take a sip of your milk, follow on Hang on, I'm thirsty and it's hot out

I want some more milk Go ahead Hang on once again You put them guns down, pick up them basketballs I love that he changed it from guns Because there's no guns in California anymore To check-cashing places And they do this

To keep your cash pole Spend your cash You come over to here You put it in the liquor store Then you go at the liquor store, you go home, you whip up on your wife. Your wife get pissed off. She go out, she's all prostituting, and then go round and round a circle. Damn, I like Ted Talk, Kev.

God. He was so animated, and he was almost standing up in his chair. I wonder how much property he owns. Like, what does he own? Stupid amounts. I bet he owns, like, yeah. I bet he owns, like, office buildings, like shit like that. Yeah.

Probably, why not? Let's buy a small office building. Let's do it, dude. Building is a collect rent. Let's, let's, me and you. you buy an office building next to one of keves next to it and we'll offer slightly less rent

you know who owns a building a dove david off and his brother back in the day residential yeah in the late night in the 90s and in in arts yeah because they were buying davidly roth lived there they were buying just things in east village because it was all cheap shit

and they have all they bought this then they sold that and then they bought a building and they bought another building I'd love to own a building we should buy a building let's be slum lords let's buy this building and then we rent out the Stern studio instead of fighting everybody we rent it out to them yeah

I want to though I want to have enough money though that if is that not we can't do that we can't buy this building but I want to have enough money though also in that like the rent's not like weighing on me too hard because I want to be able to let uh young mothers move in who are willing to at times go oh my god please don't kick me out I don't have the rent again and then let them blow me in the doorway like they do in porn movies okay wait a minute So Jay shouldn't own buildings What do you say? What do you mean?

Jay should own Billy. He's helping out the poor. Yeah. Free rent? Yeah. Yeah, kido. Watch your mom suck my dick and get you free rent. The kid has to watch.

The kid has to watch. Oh. No, everyone's got to pay a little. Everyone's got to do their part. If you're not paying rent, everyone's got to be involved. That you'd be a slum lord. That'd be great. Bobby and Jay, slum lords.

Yeah, I got to go shittily fix an oven after this. So, Bob, you might do in the last commercial for me? I love to own a building, dude. Well, this one is estimated at $2.3 billion. A billion? Is that all? That's it. In 2016, it was sold for a billion.

A 45% stake was sold for a billion. Dude, how much you make on your Patreon? Huh? How much you make on your Patreon? I don't have a Patreon. Well, we get a YouTube, right? Yeah. We'll combine our YouTube and our Serious XM money.

I think over my last couple of live streams I've made almost $1,000. is doing that. Perfect. So, I'll kick that in. Yeah, we're right there, dude.

I'll put it. Do you guys have a Folgers jar we should keep in the studio for this? How much money can you kick in? I'm going to buy a cable box

and so a couple of Hyundai. A couple of Hyundai. A cable box. He's buying the VC box. I don't know if we should talk about that. Anyways.

Oh, Jay, you got you all gused up on his thing? It's the best. The V box? It's really. It's legal. It's awesome. I don't want to talk about it. It's

legal through a loophole. I don't want to talk about it, but yeah. No, it's legal. All right, dude. I don't want to talk about it? I don't use it. Jacob uses it. I'm not getting that. I'm just getting regular cable. Yeah, he's getting cable, cable. I can't go. It's too much hassle. I know a friend of it. I can't tell. Are you guys doing a fentanyl deal? What's

happening here? Are you guys moving fent? Buddy, if we buy, this is what we do. How friends are watching Kev be an entrepreneur, like, giving speeches like that? isn't it? Bam, boom, bang. It's crazy.

But it's weird because once these people get millions in the bank, they're living in that realm of it. She's like, dude, what you've got to do is buy a piece of property or is not, it's very hard to get property. You know what I mean? It's easy for you. Yeah, for Kevin Hart. That's like Billy one day.

I was at his house and he has this antique truck. Beautiful Ford. All redone, it's just this beautiful antique truck. He's like, do it what you got to do. Do you have rock lights? Huh? No, it said, no rock lights. Does he have rock lights?

No, it has no rock lights. You're the only one with rock lights. I don't have rock lights yet. Thursday, it's happening. Thursday, I think I'll have rock lights. But he said, he goes, dude, you got to get yourself an antique car. Antique. And I'm like, yeah, dude, I don't have 70 grand to get a fucking antique.

It's not good advice. Oh, that was Tim Dillon. Tim Dillon Town has had a while back about Rogue. And he was like, dude, he goes, You can lose weight, man. I'm telling you. Get a chef. It's that, the chef will do.

Dude, all you get to do, you get a side kitchen and a side house and you have a chef and you'll lose weight. Dude, it's so simple. If a guy prepares all of your meals at perfect balanced measurements, you will lose weight. You will lose weight. You can't not. It's foolproof. That's infuriating this. It's completely foolproof.

Dude, listening to rich people talk is infuriating because they don't ever... People give Sigurrish it all the time for that kind of thing. Like, well, you just got to do this and hard work, whatever. Yeah, you can. You can't. Okay. All the guys are getting shit for going to Saudi Arabia. Just for me, though.

Why? Just for me. Are you giving him shit? I didn't give him shit. No, no, I did, I said I wouldn't go. Did they offer? They wanted you to go? No.

They didn't offer me to go, so it was easy for me to say. But that was the thing. I said that on Skanks. And they were like, you wouldn't go. And I said, I wouldn't go. and they started giving number things. Well, let me explain this for a little context. A lot of people, Saudi Arabia is doing a comedy festival type thing,

and they put out offers to a lot of comedians to come over for a lot of money. We did talk about it on the show. Nobody knows exactly how much money, but it's a lot of money. One comic said no. Oh, Tim Dillon told us exactly how much money they offered him. Oh, they did? He said it on skanks. Wait, is it canceled?

What comics said no? Who do you think? No, it happened. Take a guess who you think said no. It happened. No, take a guess who you think who would say no, seriously, out of our group of people. Oh, your group. Yeah.

People we know. One person. I'll tell you who went. Okay. Sebastian Manuscalco has no respect for women. Ari? You think they bring Ari? You think Ari, they'd bring Ari that guy to Saudi Arabia?

I think Ari would go. You'd be to throw him off a building. Ari would go. It happened, right? Shane. did not. Okay. Did it not happen or did happen? I don't know. I'm trying to find it. I think it's happening. It didn't happen yet. There you go. September 26. Yeah. I mean, Andrew Schultz, Aziz Ansari. Kirsten, I can't believe. Bad friends. I don't understand how she's going. I don't

know how she's going. I don't know how she's going to get back. No, I don't know how she's, like, she's a lesbian comic. Like, how is she not going to get killed in Saudi Arabia? Well, here's a thing. You got Jess and then you got Whitney. Whitney. And then you got who, and you got, and you Tim, Tim's going. Tim Dylan. Look at this lineup. And he's... Holy shit.

Yeah, the dudes, I'm so scared of that part of the world as a woman. I think they're doing it to say, hey, we're not that way. They want to be more like Dubai. They are. They are that way, though. They want to be like Dubai. They're trying. No, I think they're trying.

They said a thing. I just go, the reason I wouldn't go this time is because they're still hell of fun things like there's six years from... There's six years away now from being illegal to rape your wife. like they're almost there. Almost there. So, you know, I'll wait until they kick into that kind of shit. They just lifted the ban on driving in 2018.

It's like they have some catching up to do. How funny would be if they did the show and then at the end of it, they did this like end of festival thing at the top of the building and then they pushed all these comedians off the building. I mean, girls get like stone to death. I don't.

I'm not educated enough on this to know exactly what they do. I just know the stuff I looked up seem like they wanted to be there. It ain't there yet. Like getting it together. So, anyway, the thing was to me, for a myriad of reasons that I wouldn't go. Mark Norman's going to fucking, he's going to get arrested. He's not going to not say something out of, because they do have rules. Of course.

They're giving them rules to what you can say and what you can't say. I love to see that set of rules. And Norman is not going to stick to it. Mark my thought of it. He better. Jessica, just by nature of what she is, I can't assume, is going to be able to leave with her clitoris. Yeah. And Whitney.

Whitney Cummings, that's a surprising one to me. But I said that I wouldn't do it, Bobby. I'm going to buy that off the dark web. I'm going to buy Jessica's clitoris off the dark web. Oh, yeah. And then give it back to her. That's the right thing to do. I'm not.

I'm going to get a backpack out of it. I'm going to make a bushcraft backpack. It's going to hold a lot. That's one big clip. Fluffy, I'm surprised. Chrisie Mozarelle de Stefano Louis C.K. These are all surprising ones to me. Is Louie going? Zarbogargs, huh?

Who's Zarbledargs? Zarbledargg. Who's that? Oh, Zarnargargarg. What did I say? You said Zarbogargs. Barjo Garg? Bagel Gargs. That's actually, that's a Poceman. Bargeal Garg. I just got a bogglegarg.

A grog is a bargeal? I'm going to look up something else, but it's like, which which countries impose the death penalty on gay people first is Saudi Arabia so like why the fuck would you go as an openly gay woman

and Tim Dylan and Tim, Tim's gay whoa he's not out of the closet oh Jesus Christ very brave of you to tell Christine just screamed it Wow

maybe you can eat vagina but just not in Saudi Arabia no you can't do gay stuff in the country okay only with oh wait no that's Afghanistan where they fuck the little boys

Question, what's the penalty for homosexuality in Saudi Arabia? It says death. Wow, that's just to the point. Look, which country impose death penalty on gay people? I hope Tim gets caught sucking a cock. Did you imagine him in the gallows? It's literally when I say like with death by stoning. It's not like an insane thought that something bad's going to happen.

Could you imagine that would suck, but if they killed Jessica by stoning. I mean, she talks about, she talks about being gay a lot. What if they forced Louis to do it? Like, Louis couldn't leave unless he stoned Jessica to death? If they make the other comics stone, Tim and Jessica? That's what they did, and that's what he's doing, Handmaid's Tale.

Remember? They make all the handmaids stone the other one to death. Can we ask Jessica? Like, what they're paying? I hope so. A lot of questions. I think Tim said

375. I'm sorry, what did you just say? 375 he said that's a building that is uh yeah what in iowa in in in memphis well it's a lot but i'll tell you i kept my i kept my pride and my dignity because i said on legion of skanks that i wouldn't go to this and then they were like well there's a number for sure and like of course there is obviously and i said but i'm in and lewis's assumption was that they were paying 250k for them to go yeah and I said I wouldn't go for 250k and then uh they go well lie detector test you and I said okay so I said for the first thing asked me like 5 million something I'm like

for sure I'll go um then start going back from like numbers that sort of make more sense and I'll say no to all of them and we'll also see if I'm lying uh five million I said no said I was lying a million I said no It said I was lying 500,000 I said no They said I was lying 250,000

The number that was our ultimate thing I said no They said I was lying 100,000 I said no Telling the truth So you'd go for $100,000 I would go for at very least

$100,000 and $1 I mean So I feel good about that There was a number though Where I was like, that's a, by the way, that's a very high number to me. I don't take, that's not a light number at all, $100,000 in any way. So it's like turning that down on anything would be big.

So that was still big. It's just, you know, for $250, I am going. I heard Shane turned out a lot. They offered the Shane? Yeah. He probably just didn't want to go in general. I think he said something like, stop, stop asking me because there is a number. So stop asking.

Because I don't want to go. Yeah, he didn't want to go. I think it's so funny, I think I'm doing a weekend with him at that weekend. I think. Well, I don't know if it's that weekend because it's like a whole, I think that being the festival is longer than it. Damn. But I might be working with them over that time. That's fucking.

What a nightmare. But to be offered, I mean, it sucks not to be offered. You know what I mean? No, I didn't want to go, so I don't care. Well, they offered me. I said no, too. Oh. I didn't want to.

How much they offered you? $300. Is that all? Yeah. That's pretty cool. Now, if Tim's doing... $300. If Tim's doing...

I already had a door deal at the port in Baltimore. It's an 80-seater. What is this? I'm still selling tickets. It's in two weeks. Oh, very... Every woman has a Wally, a male guardian

who makes decisions on her behalf, typically her father, then her husband after marriage. Although guardians can be brothers, sons, uncles, or even male judges. This is meant that women were essentially treated minors in legal terms for their entire lives okay all right do you not agree with that no i thought that was great oh yeah christine are you sending me the pros or like that yeah it says that's it is reforming it does seem like there it does no no form happening it's just so scary now can tim be

jessica's wally and she could be his wally oh yeah while they're there just a couple wally wally wallie and wally there's wally and wally that would be great couldn't we just have tim and jessica become a gay couple become a straight gay couple now but i mean women they're reforming but are they reforming with gays at all um no you they'll still be killed but women get to kill gays now but they know that they know that these guys are out i don't understand how they made these offers like who because they could be put the person that loves comedy but yeah there's something weird because the people that love comedy or love these people could be so on the outside of things that and they could be setting these people up to get there

and be into some serious trouble while they're there. I hope so. Because they were like, oh, I didn't think, you know what I mean? Yeah, and... I really hope it goes that way. Yeah, me too. I hope it all falls apart. If we lose three friends to the Saudi comedy festival, come on.

That's awesome. We should ask Tim if we can get the money. If he does get killed there, if we can have the money. He doesn't have kids. Give it to us. Yeah, give it to us. Christine, could you text, Tim, if you wouldn't mind, that if we could have his money

if they end up killing Can I be honest with you, Bobby? Can I be honest with you? Yeah. I feel like if they kill them, they're not going to give the money. I don't think they're going to honor this thing altogether. They're not dishonorable men.

They just don't like gays. Yeah. Okay. They're going to get the money. Hmm. You know what 300 and something thousand is to them? Five bucks to you. Oh, Poppy Gough.

You don't think, first of all, you don't think Tim's getting the money up front before it goes there and fucking oh maybe yeah dude dude you don't maybe yeah you got to get the money up front when you're going to saudi arabia as a out gay guy oh the death penalty doesn't apply to same-sex relations between women only men hot it's hot Jessica's fine Jessica's absolutely fine they're still punished with lashings and fines that's fine but not the death penalty oh Jessica's take worse than a couple of lashings and a couple of bucks no What if she loses all of her pay to fines?

Sorry, we forgot to tell you guys got to pay a gay tax. How much is it? Your entire check. Thank you. We hope you enjoyed our awkward fucking golden rooms with terrible TVs. Yeah, we have TVs with the blue, red, and yellow light. We have to take a break because we have to do commercials. America.

God bless us. That's what America is about. Advertising. And you know what, Jay, we're staying here in America. Jay's going to be in Calgary. Yeah, that's not America at all. That's not America. That's actually North America.

It is America. It's North America. It's North America. And if Trump has his way, regular America. September 11th through the 13th, Pittsburgh Improft. September 18th and the 20th, Toronto. One night at JFL Toronto, that's what it is. She has it listed weird, but it's right after Pittsburgh, the 21st, that's Sunday.

Two shows, I think. One night, Toronto, just for laughs festival. I love that. I love that festival. I'm only there one day. It's great. I'll be back on the air to the next day here with you. Oh, perfect. Portland, Columbus, Tickets, Big J. Comedy.com. And Bobby Kelly's going to be at the comedy at the Carlson at Rochester, New York, October 10th, and 11th.

After that, Tampa, Emmaus, Pennsylvania. I got a gig next week. The port, you said? Yeah, the port, the 13th. Christine, she didn't care. Wow. He'll be at the port. Maryland?

Portland. No, where am I at? Portland. I'm a dickhead. Baltimore. Baltimore. The port. I'll be there, I think, Friday and Saturday night coming up. I think it's the 13th and the 14th or the 12th in the 13th. Right, Christine? Well, check on punchup.com slash Robert Kelly. It'll all be there. And of course, Bobby's YouTube channel, YouTube.com slash at Robert Kelly. I'm also doing live streams on my YouTube. So follow both of us on YouTube. And we will be right back. It's the bonfire. Thank you.