The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Black Lou Wins Husband Of The Year

Episode Date: November 19, 2018

Black Lou wins husband of the year after taking his wife to a 5 ½ hour long Harry Potter play on Broadway. DJ Lou informs Jay and Dan that he won’t go to "Sex Island" because he was invited to a football game by the Houston Texans' J.J. Watt with Pete Correale and Sebastian Maniscalco & everyone is in a good mood after they see Jeff Goldblum playing piano in the SiriusXM lobby.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Hi, I'm Dan Soder. I'm Big J. Ocasin. And you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire Live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM on Comedy Central Radio. Serious XM95 or on demand on the Serious XMF. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire SXM.

We were up in the office before the show, I asked Black Lou, I was like, did you get some red dead end? Cause you got into it, but you're not into it. No, red dead redemption too. You're not. I don't dislike it at all. It's just I those are the ones I'm watching a movie that I can't interact with enough. Even though Jay's side piece Shane, uh, criticized me for night falls name.

Night falls doing very well. I want everyone to know that. Is he really? And Justin came over and uh... I named mine dangler. Yeah, hell yeah. Don't get used to it. We named him dangler, I got it today. Uh, but as Black Lewis, like, you play Red Dead Redemption 2, he's like,

nah man, it was all, it was all in-laws all weekend. Yeah, the in-laws came up. We did a nice New York City weekend. Yeah, you and saw Harry Potter. Yeah, Harry Potter was uh, some marathon. that's not how you want to be told they say man all probably shows are meant not sprints man The Marathons is somebody say about probably sure that's exactly what is that Did you how long was the total runtime total runtime? I think was like five and a half that's the fuck out of here Dead serious how you five and a half hours? No.

How much do you have? You have to really love Harry Potter. And let me just say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, yeah, is it the full story? I've never seen any Harry Potter. If you, dude, if I went to a Harry Potter playin' the go, on the day he was born, Harry Potter go, ah, we're going back to born, I'm out.

I need this kid around middle school, at least. When does he start wizarding? I wanna see when he gets that crack in the head that makes him the, you know, with the thing. Well, gives him his powers. Yeah, well, gives his powers. And then a fucking albeder come through a window. I've never seen any Harry Potter.

I don't know the story at all. So I wanna go and blind. I've just been waiting for this moment. He goes, I'm like, fuck the movies, fuck the books. I got one day this afternoon. I have to ingest this as a Broadway show. I need musical breaks in order to really let it soak in. I need that to become a thing that we can remember to say to people when you go when someone read a book, you go, no, I'm waiting for the Broadway musical. Yeah, but whatever they say at whatever age, they decide to make it because they're popping up now stuff that I started. Rocky didn't didn't care

for it. He's been saw the month, saw saw the musical loved it. Do you read that book that uh John McCain wrote before he died? I'm waiting for the musical. I heard American sniper is going to be previewed on the Chris Kyle story. I'm excited to read it. They're having a lot of problems. There's a lot of harness work in this. Didn't even care for Spider-Man until the Broadway musical. It was worth it. Five thousand Spider-Man. Spider-Man is a superhero. Oh my god. Thank you Bono an edge. Oh, thanks for scoring it How was how long was the intermission? Intermission was two hours. What's that fuck? Yeah, so we go home and shower You were seven hours there. Yeah, you change uniforms two hour intermission

Yeah, so it went the first, it went the first. Basically. You should have robbed the bank and had an alibi. Yeah, you really do. But we had a little 10 minute break in between the first and second part, and then there was a two hour intermission, and then we had to come back and do that, and then there was another 10 minute intermission.

It was it worth it out. Was it your in-laws entire trip? Harry Potter's as long as an Indian wedding. Yeah. But it was, I mean, the show was pretty good. It's basically Harry's kids, all the kids at kids now. It's not even the fucking H-Man himself. I mean, H-You think H-P's showing up for Broadway, dude?

Wow. When Harry Potter was questioned, he said Broadway, sounds pretty gay. Potter! Potter! Mr. Potter, I think he comes back in the Bruce Spring. Wow, when Harry Potter was questioned he said Broadway sounds pretty gay Mr. Potter I think he comes back in the Bruce Spring see why there's no a feminine said Hogwarts I don't know the terminology. What do you call them lady boys Hogwarts was different when I was dead He's becoming old salty fucking wizard. Oh, we just that's for quiz Sound like a regular road confused Jonathan You sound like a scared Timothy

I don't understand It's 2.5 hours the first part of the play then you take a 2 hour break and then you come back for another 2 hours Yeah, you got a decompress, you got a therapy? What's the f**king ticket cost? Ticket was up there Really? Are you willing to divulge? I honestly, because we had a raise of peace? Yes. A piece?

Hundreds of peace. You fucking magic nerds. There's also options for the ticket. So you can buy part one and two together. What's the, what about sitting in the sucker section where Lou went? Or you can, the people go separately too Oh my god par one and two together. That's what you did. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, what you doing you went home your wife you're blowing you on an intermission for doing that with a family is it singing? There is no singing no singing. I would not have gone

It's not a musical that it's not Broadway friend if I could say real quick Listen, I'm all for the betterment of my fellow African Americans doing well, as far as Hollywood is concerned. Yeah. I mean, I think it's great that they had an African American woman in childhood in here. That's fantastic. What?

But, they took her mind, and it was one of the main characters from the original, who's like a white girl. Emma, Emma, and some older black original. Yeah. Who's like a white girl. Yeah. Emma, Emma, and some older, like black woman. Yeah. She's an old boy. Wait, so.

And I could not catch up to that shit. I could not like, I couldn't wrap my head around it. So every time she was in the scene, I got lost. Would you accept it if they wrote dialogue to it where they were like, oh, you did the old spell of black sassy. You could make delicious fried things now. I'm waiting for it to wear off. So I can get back to my ginger hair self.

Wanted him crack ass latherings. I'll tell you what happened, Harry. Wanted his young whizzer motherfuckers. Come done along. You turn me into an old black woman. Everyone knows how to come on. Wow. Hermione got the curse of Medea. Turn me into an old black woman everyone knows I'm on it got the curse of Medea

And then it's now an old black woman. Where my family? That no good Harry Potter yeah running around is nonsense Got a tattoo on the forehead crazy white boy shit You know I love you her money I know you do Harry. Get over here. Give your big show. I know you meant well, you're one of the good ones. Bring that pink one. That's over here. Miss her. You fucked you up when you saw it. No, it really fucked me up. And I wanted to be so proud. Like I'm she's she acted her ass off. She was fantastic. I tell you. Just three off. Yeah. And then they have it because she's married to Ron Weasley. Yeah, and then their daughter

Ron's a redhead in the play and then their daughter is Darker than I she's like she looks like she was adopted just by the mom. Yeah, like they got together I brought in the wrong newsiest I ask any questions. He's run easily. Yeah, he's just accepting it like me myself and Irene Ron Weasley's like I just love her. I love her and she stays with me look she said it's mine to mine No, man, we're all magic. What I probably that can happen man. That's a real commitment was your did your wife do Horrible awful wonderfully gross sexual things. We you have to that for that who pushed it? Who's idea? No? No, it was her you dog. She's a she's a she's a big Harry Potter fan. She's a Harry Potter head big time. Yeah, she's a Potter head Really she did nothing if I'm putting you through that yeah, you know, I didn't I sat through a Florence and machine concert

I've been trying to make Christine take a fist for two weeks What you doing between the things started new life basically? Yeah, just went to dinner We had a full French dinner Between the show in between the show because you know one of the most complicated cuisines that needs to be explained Actually, we had one of those so the soufflé is gonna take 45 minutes. I hope you know what I'll take mine well done Hey, well, I don't know Harry Potter and his old black wife aren't gonna be back till 9 o'clock He brought a girl like on my show on Saturday in New Jersey Harry Potter and his old black wife aren't gonna be back till 9 o'clock. He brought a girl to my show on Saturday in New Jersey and then she ended up getting

finger-blasted by an old fucking salty bartender. Hell yeah. It's a down chick, dude. Yeah, I thought she was a good one. She was not. Down with the bars, hinder. No, dude, that's straight. That's a waky, that's a waky.

Lou is- That's a biker, Mama. Lou was kicking it with real, like, I'm at least getting my dick sucked on the right home. I was. There's nothing funnier than blowing a sure thing. Mama Lou was kicking it with real like I'm at least get my dick stuff on the ride home There's nothing funnier than blowing a sure thing The lady who runs the lady who runs bananas new Lou Got all excited and then that girl was less than interested even the show is over. She was kind of like it was good

No, I go no, that's the comedian that was just up there, but she was laughing heavily at you in funoia though. That's funny She did everything heavily. Yeah Why don't you know that we're on your team. We're team-loo buddy I'm saying she does heavily heavily amount of cock. Oh, yeah, yeah a lot of cocks. Yeah, but just not your cock I remember being younger and like um Liking the girl and finding out that she had thought to a couple of my friends. Jesus.

And you're like, No, roses feel like. It's that you're just like, Oh, fuck. I think my twin brother's still and she went into the kitchen to say goodbye to the bartender and we were just watching and we were in disbelief.

Both of our mouths were hung open as she, he pushes her head towards his head and starts forcing her to make out. And then all of a sudden, she gets up on her tippy toes and goes with it. And then, so me and my brother leave and discuss it, we're gonna ditch her. And she comes out all sad.

And I actually said to her, I'm like, Peanut, what are you doing? Like, now we can't hang out with you because you're a fucking slob. She's like, no, I didn't do anything. And then we, oh, it's so heartbreaking. This happened at J. Show.

After J. Show. He made her make out with them? Yeah, and she went with it. And why do you help? That's what I said. So there was a crime? It was made for her. I'd say make her, is that?

She would have been on our tippy toes trying to reach his face. I mean, I couldn't stare at it. It's like staring at the top. A second on the court. She was on a tippy toes trying to reach his face. I mean, I couldn't stare at it. It's like staring at the sun. That's like an open court. She was on a tippy toes, your honor. He dismissed. Why'd she just stand? Do me a favor, get the hide of yourself, waste of your time.

Why'd you just stand flat? The way I was doing it, she was forced to make out with a guy and then your brother were like, well, now you're a pig. We can't love you. You all are tainted. I thought you were going to let us double team you. You are tainted you all. You're some slut who just meets a guy and really likes him and kisses him

He lifts you like a grizzly bear and then forces you into his face Well, you're on her on the way home in the in the uber She had one hand on my ears trying to do the tickly tickly and then one hand on my brother's ear trying to get him into a twin Would are you sure it was happening or was she did was she touching one of your ears, but you both feel it To max a mon fluid wool There's the first call that fucking Copic Amanda made anyway, I don't need I mean I They're cool. I want to hang out with them, but I just say down with them but I just say down. Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou.

Lou, would you do a threesome with your brother and the girl? Oh, Jacob, I'm straight. That's not gay. That's not gay, dude. It feels it. Family. It's a carbon copy dog. Where's the gay?

Why is it gay? Are you gonna, you don't have to kiss him? Yeah. What's gay about, Hey, gay? I got you with your brother. With your brother, with your twin brother? I haven't seen him naked since, I don't want it,

since the womb. I don't want to see him naked. Why is he a naked gay? It's not gay. Is it gay or is it inc brother? I haven't seen him naked since, I don't wanna, since the womb, I don't wanna see him naked. Why are you seeing him naked gay? It's like gay. Is it gay or is it incest? I don't wanna, it's porn. You watch porn? It's a fine fuck, I don't wanna see my twin brother

nude pork in a girl. You're true. But don't look at him. Who do I look at? You. Which looks like that. I don't even have to tell you this, maybe duty this training.

Yeah. I was like, that's gonna be a lot of obvious information you're getting this training, but lose like, what, then where am I doing? No, it's gay. What do I have to do? I have to fuck his butt, right? Like, no, dude, you could do stuff to the girl. What I can only stare at his dick?

This is a whole naked girl. What about it? Soft kisses on his neck to make him finish faster. So what? And I got rub his head, and I know what he likes. Did I got a fucking tweaked nips? Just chicks clockwise. This chicks here? By the way, when you, when we were talking about,

Oh, sorry, miss. Did I put my knee on your chest? I didn't even realize you were here. Likewise this chick's here by the way when you when we were talking about oh sorry miss Did I put some didn't put my knee on your chest? I didn't even realize you were here. I was doing gay naked stuff my brother Jacob's energy when you go like yeah, we you know she made out with the bartender Jacob goes at J show But it was more like people go out later Yeah, oh out later. No, he's on a date with her. Yeah. Oh, and she's show. She's gonna be right back. I'm gonna go make up. She goes to make out with a guy. Come on, I needed some explanation. Lumetit sound like he goes, I go to the bathroom.

I turn around. She's gone making out with a bartender in the kitchen. No, she said excuse me for a moment. Yeah, excuse me. Did she say excuse me? She was just saying goodbye. We were waiting for her to say goodbye, and all of a sudden, we worked it to the kitchen.

Was it her friend's bar? Were you there because she was... It was my friend's bar. My friend of 20 years. And he made out with her? Yeah, he's a fucking scumbag. He has three kids too and he's 15 years of ginger. What a Gremlin.

Is he married with three kids or is he just half-thru? Not anymore. I'm saying his name. You're throwing away... You're throwing away 20 years you're throwing 20 years of friendship Because I get her a girl that wasn't a date anyway. Yeah, all right. She is I talk it sense I wait a second. He so then she did leave with you guys you didn't ditch her. I tried to ditch him But she came out she just runs fast and then Closing speed is bad man. That's taking forever

You go go go she's running alongside your car So she got the uber with the afterwards and then did the years yeah So that got her all horned up you guys should double team team there I don't like to be the last guy to get her But what do you mean they just made out I know but just it's gross when you jump in the air mouth fucker Yeah, maybe right. I don't know why I fell in love with her. No Lose got such a big heart losing love Not anymore. I'm more about the girl wants to get double team I was just trying to turn you on you know you're gonna be watching her

She didn't think you saw her that way so she was like maybe if I make out with this guy Nine more. The girl wants to get double team by the side. She's trying to turn you on. You're gonna be watching her. She didn't think you saw her that way. So she was like, maybe if I made that with this guy, he'll see me as sexy. By making out with your friend. What a garbage save. What a garbage save. Oh, a garbage girl.

She made out with a fucking a red, a Darryl bartender. She's all red headed up. So Luke, you guys have a bro. How do I turn it? Yeah. You got back from the uber and then what happened after that? Nothing gay. Nothing gay if that's what you're thinking. That's just how were your fucking stupid gay? What are you going with? What are you doing?

You're saying there's something gay? I don't know where this is going. No, that was it. You know what? You and your brother jerked off a S. to S. You're a Paul. Like, can you believe that? Where you going? You know what she was? She ubered right back to the last location. Yeah. Offends with her on, Hey, freckles.

Offends. I connected with her on Bumble, so you could tell where people's whereabouts are. You could tell their location. Weird. She was like two towns over where she doesn't live right after that, so. Oh man, she called in.

She went to the bullpen. It's gotta go somewhere. Some guy got a fucking text that he was like, oh man she's all horned up. I wonder if she was with two twins. Why did she throw it up? Your emotions were hurt. Could you like there? Yeah. Why do you like the girl that everyone bangs? I don't know. I was talking about that because I've been in that situation and it fucking sucks. Why didn't you just throw because that's what I'm saying you were too upset to even say whip it and go for like the Hail Mary

get laid or just even like get a beach catch a beach, you know I know this other room for your brother. I still would have if she didn't go with absolutely everybody like if she didn't go Then she just was open to go. Yeah, but if she didn't hit on my brother simultaneous with me What'd you guys say when she started touching your ears was that acknowledged? One of those laughing What is I don't know what's happening. We both, yeah, we both say. Yeah, this is to those,

to those laughs. That's our spot. That's our spot. And the time between like feeling it and then realizing that she was also doing it to him. Yeah, I mean, I would imagine. I would imagine it would be more of an efficient way to start that would just be two thigh rubs. Just, you know, get the firewood going.

I remember we both looked at each other like that's not how you get us. Yeah. Talk Pearl Jam. Touch her dick. Oh my god, she got vitology so much better than 10. And what did you do? You're working over her shots? What did you do?

Did you go home and go right to bed? Yeah I mean well, this genius on the on the boards over here Ditching out on sex island not gonna go. I haven't found the reason why yet You take a said lose out who wouldn't which one of you told Jay that lose out for sex island? Jacob told I told Jacob and of course he snitched because he's a good producer. Yeah, he is a good producer. He's a great producer. And snitched isn't the right word.

It's not the right word at all. We're getting ready to throw out the positive down. I was gonna go with you. I was gonna walk you there and then come home. I'm just gonna smell you. I wanted to smell you afterwards. Do you want another reason? Yeah.

Yes. Since it's empty training. I'm going. Tootie blacks. uh, I'm going to a football game. I'm going to see the Jets play the Houston Texans and, uh, you don't care about that. I don't, but, uh, JJ what is a buddy of mine? And, uh, he invited me to go in his private suite. What? That sounds like such a lie you would say to bus stop. That's my dad's friends with Joe.

That's a lie? My dad's friends with Joe Montana. So we are gonna go to his house and he's gonna teach me how to throw. The friends with JJ Watt, that just comes up at a nowhere else. I know, I don't look like a sportsman, but he actually is though,

because of you know, through Pete and Sebastian, right? Yeah, I'm on a group text to Pete Sebastian and JJ Wad. Took a shining to me. Awesome, is that he's leaving it up for JJ Wad. It's a once in a lifetime thing. I can't have sex with these goddamn gross hordes. Yeah. Yes, you can.

How about this? It's the whole thing is you're going to have sex with them. What did you tell you? It's called sex Island, Lou. Why don't you tell your new best friend, JJ Wad, that I'll fly him down to some extent. Oh, fuck that, not a Texan. You should have been friends with an eagle.

Yeah, be friends with a 49er and I'll turn my apartment into Sex Island. Yeah. Are you gonna get stewed up in his private box? Yeah, you know you don't matter, act. You're gonna fuck up. I sure don't. You know, you have no idea how to act in public

You're gonna go on a sweet. They're your Texans. I'm more of a I'm more of a cowboys guy You're gonna get kicked off the group text I hope you were I hope you were a mess at to it. Hey Lou. Can I talk to you? Did you get drunk with JJ? Why? Did you get drunk with JJ? What? Did you get drunk with his brother? I Introduced you because I thought you'd get along Why would you do it? I'm gonna repeat yeah, okay, so it'll be you Pete you and Pete there Yeah, and possibly Sebastian okay, I don't know. It's like a once in a lifetime thing

I gotta do it. You gotta do it. I mean those hookers will be there next year right now That's absolutely no way this thing's getting shut down by the government somewhere It's not not when it's fucking in where it's at dude. It's on an island. That's cool. It's too out there now I'm in I'm in you're saying it's an island with mainstream. No, they're shutting it down They're gonna this thing's not gonna last you're saying sex island went pop. Where are you going to it? The jets where a met life stadium Lewitsky learn that Sunday that he was friends with JJ Rott What for the wrong reason. Hang on, that's what I tell you, Simon.

There's a listering cold settled in. Lew Witsky settled into his glass of whiskey. Seven glasses later, Lew Witsky declared himself Head of the Watt family. I'm your dad now. Here's my question, and I want to just take the validity of this. Okay. You're once in a lifetime opportunity to go into JJ Watts Suite at the game between the

jets and the Texans in New Jersey. Now just throwing out facts I know here, Dan has a best friend from high school. A guy who's penacy seen. I've never seen Mike's penis. I thought you told me you did. No, I never seen Mike. Do you like talking about it now that it happened? No. Forgive him.

His dear friend. Good friend. Very dear friend. Good dear friend. Yeah. Yeah, who is a coach for the team? Yeah. Coach.

He's a coordinator. Got me and Dan tickets to see the Niners in the Eagle Stadium from almost across the street. Now JJ Watts got a sweet at the away stadium, but I think you're gonna be sitting in some bleeds with peak horielli when you could be getting fucking sucked off by three Brazilians at a pop. That is the risk I'm going to take. What do you think's going to happen? Well, I'm going to be playing. I'm going to meet him afterwards, maybe get down on the field, or close to the field. I don't know. No, it lose mind. It's a mean Joe Green moment.

And J.J. O'Hottes is going to toss as Jersey to him. His Joe is going to be hammered in the hallway How do you know that he told you? I'll be kicked off the group text if I wasn't a little bit cool true Just keep a secret it be great. There's another text with JJ You get your fucking door case Engine ear off this fucking show loose and I go it would kill him Honestly God every day is hanging on by a thread looking for reasons to live please God please lose sitting next to Pete and the bleachers

and Pete goes to text JJ and it's a different fucking thread. Oh, what's that thread? He goes don't worry about it, bud. He's really here for the free shit. Yeah. And he is loaded and he is dropping a lot of pencils trying to look up skirts. But he I'm in a pencil trying to look up skirts, but I'm in a great mood. You can't happen upon walking by Jeff Goldblum playing piano in the fishbowl here and not just be immediately in a better mood. I feel like that would be, like, you know in a dream, we were like, it's such a nice dream.

You know in happy Gilmore where he goes to his happy place? I feel like in my happy place, Jeff Goldblum's playing piano. And he has two hands. Yeah, you got his hand because I Got my hand back. I got it back. I lost it Yeah, I lost it when I was alive. They don't carry over through heaven Rumor he's got a huge piece. The blue? The blue. Oh, I bet, dude. I bet he's peppered.

Keep me that. He's wearing pants that are so short. He's sitting there in that piano and I can see his knees. There's such tight, like, queefe hipster pants, but he's pulling them off. Christine got soggy. Yeah, I mean, I check my text messages and there's just a text on the Christine to do soggy.

Yeah, she said, sorry, hold up up Jeff Goldblum's in the fish bowl She's like we're coming Jeff Goldblum. I can't right now. I mean, it's pretty great. It's bronzing fly who yeah hung on the beach Goldblum hang in the work. Oh, of course he is you don't think you walk around that you don't think you pick up piano late in life? If you got a giant dick? Oh yeah he's like I just learned this last week. Yeah tiny dicker like fuck this man I didn't learn. I'm never going back. How'd you learn piano so fast? Large dicks. Look how comfortable it is. Is that going to just suck it off in the one? Good job man. Goalblem. Good job on the chick. Why, man. Good job, man. Good job, man. Good job, man. Good job, man.

Good job, man. Good job, man. Good job, man. Good job, man. Good job, man. Good job, man. Good job, man. Good job, man.

Good job, man. Good job, man. Good job, man. Good job, man. Good job, man. Good job, man. Good job, man. Good job, man.

Good job, man. Good job, man. Good job, man. Good job, man. Good job, man. Good job, man. What's 13 centimeters? I don't know it's fucking French shit. I don't know Sound like you call is that what you call metric system French shit. Yeah, I don't know some goddamn French math It's five five inches Yeah, what's so impressive about that? Yeah, I thought he had like a dog and I think I was probably got five inches It's probably he's probably got like maybe like a six seven inch piece But I mean they really made it seeming he was gonna Be swinging. Is she blowing him in the top right? They're fucking in the one picture He doesn't have a bad dick. I'm just saying it's nothing. Yeah, they're probably fucking with a beach right there

The import Jeff Goldblum's is trying to go to a beach and fuck. I'm giving her what's referred to as a chicken cutlet By the way, I fucking the position before it sucks Yeah, you can only do it for about 30 seconds before you got it. Look at him. Live in his life. Live in, dude. Yeah. Look at that hammer.

Good job. Well, that job was on the fly. Well, that guy was tickling keys in the fucking lobby. Killing it. Killing it. Just doing a great job. Hey, it's Big J. Overson, and I hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire.

You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th to 8 PM Eastern on Comedy Central Radio Series XM95 or on demand on the Series XMF. Be sure to follow us on social media at the Bond Fire at SexM. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.