The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Boathouse Row

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

The gang is back in studio after Thanksgiving break and Jay definitely does not have an Empire State of mind. Jay is preparing for the Christmas holiday and his tree lights are driving him crazy. | He's sworn off pool basketball because the rim is shotty and no one wants to play with him anyway. | Jay hangs art of Philadelphia in his home and has to teach Bobby the landmarks of his hometown city. | Bob used to get beat up by a red-headed bully growing up. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And now, the Bonfire with Big J. O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. Oh, man. I got to tell you, Christmas time in New York, you don't hear this song enough. Oh, really? No. I thought that you'd hear it a lot. No, well, I say not enough. Oh, yeah.

I feel like I only hear it every second from the second I cross over a tunnel or bridge into Manhattan. Pretty much until the time I'm locked in the studio, mercifully, hiding from it. But I started to miss it. So I said, let's start the show with it. Turn it up loud, Lou. And really annoy them with it with the Alicia Keys part. Because I want them to feel how I feel outside. I'm just trying to get to work, please.

I'm sorry, no. Who the fuck takes a bicycle carriage to work? No, thank you. I'm good, thank you. Excuse me. Yes, it's lights. Could you please move? I'm trying to get to work.

Excuse me. Oh, Christ. No. No, I'm finishing the cigarette. Stop following me trying to get the end of it. No. Nobody wants to take a guy on a bicycle drive to work. Who would say yes to this?

From here, bro. Get the next guy. Stop. Stop. I'm finishing the cigarette. No, I don't want to fucking see a comedy show. Okay, who's going to be there? Oh, Tim Allen and Richard Pryor, really?

Isn't Richard Pryor dead? Oh, Richard Pryor Jr., good back. pedal. Sure, here's 20 bucks. Give me two tickets to a club that's not open. Oh, no, please excuse me. Walk. The walk sign's going. The walk sign's going. That's why there's a bike lane, fuck face.

Don't forget the out-of-towners on their phone looking for direction, stop in the middle. Please, God. Step off to the side. Step off to the side. Don't you hear the song? New York. Conkey jungle, where dreams are made. There's nothing you can do

Here you're in New York That'll make you feel brand new Stupid lights inspire you Yeah There's two guys downstairs And on 42nd Street If you want to do the I own New York where you stand in the center

And the camera goes around you And that song is blasting I have a video of me and Jay doing it That's the song that's playing. Yes, of course it is. That's the song. It's the only song that plays in New York for 31 days. Jay, tell me it didn't bring you back to when you first came here.

Someday I'll conquer this city. Buddy, I will say. The first time I came through, drove through Times Square, I was like, wow. Yeah. Wow. Imagine if they had that spinning little thing that you could take a video on and just all the lights. Oh, it brought me right back to 1996. Yeah, but now my energy in Times Square is move!

It's a movie It's a picture of a movie poster You can see that anywhere You don't like the Arab dude The Muslim guy in a Santa outfit Living two fatties from Oklahoma Come on the world Oh shit

Fucking Christ Oh hey so everyone is the bonfire Fatsh Talk series XM103 We're back from Thanksgiving break Yeah I had a good Thanksgiving Did you have a good Thanksgiving? I had a Wednesday night drove up to the tiny house ready for an epic Thanksgiving at my uncle Jimmy's compound.

Oh, okay. I was going to say, you can only cook so much turkey in a tiny house. Yeah, we have to spatch cock it and then portion it out. Spatch cock and then cook it in sections. One wing is done. Who's up? Maximus! We have one plate of mashed potatoes ready to go. No, my uncle Jimmy has the huge house, but she did make her stuffing, which I love. On a hot plate?

You had her stuffing, right? On a hot plate. Well, she made it at the house and we drove it up. Oh, nice. And then we had a great, I mean, his house is just like, it's like a, you know, better homes and garden house. Yeah. And then he had a, he just built a glass house on a piece of his land

overlooking the mountains with just a woodburning stove in it. Yeah. So we went in there with cigars and stuff. He has bourbon. It's weird he built a glass house because I always thought he was a stone thrower as a young man. And I don't know if you heard of it. about people with glass houses. Yeah, but he's a big fan of Billy Joel. Oh, nice.

So. But he was throwing a brick through his glass house if you recall the front of the album. We did it at the end of the song. Nice. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a plexiglass. Ooh, bounces right off. It was like epic. Like, we're just sitting in this thing. It was like being back 150 years. Just the woodburning

stove and smoking bats, talking shit. No politics, which was great. And then Max got sick. Really? That night. He was like, I don't feel well. And he was supposed to go hunting with him. With what? Like calm and cold?

No. COVID? No, it wasn't COVID. We checked him for that. It was AIDS. Appendicitis. It was HIV, not full-blown AIDS. HIV.

It's still kicking the nuts. Good take a prep for that. Well, I just know. He didn't get it from sex. It's also no longer. It's also no longer. But they have prep. Yeah, but he didn't get it from banging dudes.

He got it from touching dudes who banged dudes. Oh, my God. No. Why did he become a gay guy's weiner cleaner cleaner shower in the showers. Bob, you can't get him any job available at a country club. I think you're going to learn how to be a man

and pay your bills. Old man weiner cleaner? But I gave him some of my cocktail and he's fine now. What? What? Oh, I didn't tell you. Oh, cocktail. One word. Yeah, one. Got you. I'm like, whoa, dude. I don't think that fixes. What are you African? That's what Africans are.

I stuck a cock in his tail. Yeah, it was... You cocktailed him and that fixed him right up. Well, having somebody's sick in a tiny house just sucks. Yeah, I bet because you're all going to get it. I mean, Don't just... Now you brought it here, like fucking school. No, no, no, Jacob can't wipe this place down enough. No, I stayed away from him.

How? I just didn't touch him for three days. Did you go to another different house? I know, I just sat in a chair for two days. So you didn't go to the compound? We went... What do you mean? His house?

Yeah. Jimmy's house. We went there, yeah. Oh, you did? So it was after Thanksgiving, Max got sick. After Thanksgiving got sick. All weekend. Yeah, we drove home early.

Really? Yeah, sucked. But, and I, and I didn't touch him. He felt, I felt bad. I put a mask on. I would only give him pounds. Oh, oh, because you didn't want to get sick. I thought he was saying, like, I didn't, like, we were accusing you of molesting him.

I know you didn't. You don't know that. I don't know that. You don't know that, don't? I do. You are to take, you have taken the tinted glasses, which does read a little, you're hiding something. I'm hiding my eyes.

Trying to keep a poker face and molesting your boy. It's got to be tough. Yeah, it kind of, it was starting off as an. epic weekend and then it just it was me hiking in the woods alone trying to stay out of a tiny house where everyone's sick is Dawn sick? No, nobody's sick. She didn't get sick either. No. I don't know, women, moms don't get sick for some reason. Yeah, they do?

No, they don't. Do you think too? No, they get sick of me. You know, I'm a pain in the ass. All right. Faction Talk 103. I'm Bob Kelly and that's Big Jay. Jacob Lou over there and Christine's on the fucking computer. Whole gang's here coming up with Thanksgiving break. Oh, look at little Jacob in his small chair. It just makes me, you look so tidy. You're tiny chair, Jacob.

Tiny chair, Jacob. How was yours? My Thanksgiving was fun. Where'd you go? Went to my mom's house. Ooh. Got to see my nieces and nephew, eat some good food. Now, when are you going to make the move?

Of what? Of starting your own tradition. Oh, I did say, I think, next year I'm just going to do it. Here's the thing. I do that Philly weekend, which is a great weekend. Every Thanksgiving. I like the tradition of that. But Lewis cooked Thanksgiving this year.

Oh, really? Rice and beans? And he did, I think, like, Puerto Rican Turkey. What is that, pork? It's stolen. Oh, he stole it. It's a, but he, you know, I could do the Wednesday shows. And then go back to New York and still do Thanksgiving at my house.

And then come back on Friday for the rest of the shows. Dude, yeah. I would love to do a Thanksgiving at the Ocasons. Yeah. Oh, the Ocasin? It would be good. I know, though, but you like to have Thanksgiving with trans people, and I don't know what the trans rule in my house is yet.

Really? I haven't figured it out. Really? I haven't had to cross that bridge yet. Well, let's break it down. Let's cross the trans bridge. Okay. Now, you're going to invite, of course, I get the invite, right?

Of course. Okay. Who else gets the invite? Daughter? My daughter, of course. Her friend? Her mother. Her mother.

Okay, so. I think her friend goes home. Now, Josh. No, Josh goes to his mom's. Okay, so Josh doesn't come. Lewis hosts. Lewis hosts? Lewis hosts?

Yeah, yeah. What does that mean? Well, he does his own Thanksgiving. I mean, I can invite Lewis, but I mean, then the aunts hanging out. Well, dude, she can just appear at your house. You know that she walks through a portal. Buddy, wherever Lewis goes on a holiday, she just winds up on your couch. Yeah, I think she's a hologram that lives in his pocket.

She died years ago. He uses her for insurance purposes or something. I just finally know that's not his aunt. It's his mom. He's been hiding it all these years. Or what if it's the thing he did think his mom was his mom, but before the aunt passes, she lets him know, like, you were actually my son. Yeah.

You were my son. My sister took care of you poorly with drugs and prostitution. and marrying a guy who got murdered. But I'm your actual mother. And I'm only telling you this now because I didn't want to raise you at all. You bug me, but I do like your turkey. Yeah, but you ended up having a couple bucks,

so I hung in there for a little bit. Yeah, I saw potential in 2014. I hung in there. But I'm your mother. But I want you to know I have no regrets of not taking care of you at all. And don't call me mom. Don't call me mom.

Even when I'm gone. Yeah. To refer to me as aunt as auntie. Well, you have to, but you think Lewis would be, would Lewis switch over to yours? Because I usually host, but I have no problem switching over to somebody else's for a Thanksgiving. No. I would love to go over there. Ever since Lewis had like James, he's kind of done his own Thanksgiving.

Yeah. Like, which I get. So, no, not Lewis. Dave, do his own Thanksgiving. Yeah. That's it? I'd invite Fanoia. Fanoia probably.

Fanoi, but Fonoya has a wife. She's fun. But did they do their own Thanksgiving out there in CT? Not necessarily, no. Oh, they don't. Okay, there you go. Fanoia and the wife? You'd probably have to get him away from her family would be the thing.

That's a tough thing. Maybe. Well, that's the thing with when we were doing, we were going back to Boston every year. And there was one year, I was like, I'm done. I want our, I want, when we had Max, I'm like, we need, he needs to have his own tradition. He needs to wake up and have Christmas. He needs to have his own Thanksgiving. Nobody wants fucking crabs for fucking Thanksgiving either.

Stupid Boston idiots. First of all, that is, it's not crabs, it's lobster and clam chowder. On Thanksgiving? No. Probably. Probably. It's better than a cheese steak. Hey, do you guys spatchcock, the corn beef?

I love spatchcock. Yeah, we started doing our own, which was great. And that's when I had to cross the Transbridge. Yeah. Yeah, and I did it. And it was not as, I loved it. It's great. Absolutely.

Yeah, I crossed that bridge, Max's second birthday, third birthday. But just so you know, now, your bathrooms are open to everybody. You know what I mean? You really open to Pandora's box there. Yeah, I have a universal bathroom. I know. Yeah. I know.

So what? I don't know. You can actually make the downstairs bathroom in the little living room area. That be the public bathroom. Oh, I think you could say the trans bathroom. Well, you could just call it that if you want. Christine, would you be opposed to it? I mean, listen, it's kind of a joke.

It's kind of a joke. But can we have a no trans sign? Like, can we get the little bathroom person? But, like, with the skirt and a weiner and a circle slash over it, like, no trans are allowed this bathroom. Or not the circle slash. That's this bathroom. Let's do that. Let's be more progressive.

We have an only trans bathroom. No one else is allowed in there. That's downshare. downstairs. We have downstairs. We have both. We have... Can I go downstairs?

Now I'm asking you, Bobby, like, it's your rules. But am I allowed to go in there to, like, blow my nose with some tissue? Or is it trans only? If I make it trans only, do it have to be trans only everything? No. Or just for the toilet? No, it's trans only is everybody, plus the trans. No.

Oh, really? No. You think I'm going in there after that? You don't want to wipe the seat? Oh, my God. You don't want to wipe I got trans people in my house I have to use the

I have those toilet seat covers that come down That's the worst What if my bidet gets confused With tits and dicks If you hear What if my bedegos on the fritz It doesn't know what to do

For your trans tushy Yeah It sees a girl butt It starts going to fucking get the pussy And butt And then it's hitting ball bag And then it freaks in It skits out

Don comes out You didn't wipe the seat Wasn't me. What if that's the beginning of the Terminator? What if my bidet gets angry at me for presenting it's such an odd thing? I think you'd be fine with the trans person. Why does this thing have a big dick and a fucked ass? Angry.

Angry must rise up. Humans getting weird. Skynet. That's why. Gaget. Gag-gag-g-g-a-g-a-h-g-a. That's why it took over the world. Hell yeah, dude.

Because we got too fucking weird. We got too weird. What's going on? Does not compute. What is this? I'm a vibrator. Why am I in a butt? Angry.

Angry. Oh, man. Damn, dude. The untold Terminator story. I think you should definitely... By way, Jacob, jot that down and then mail it to ourselves. Make sure no one steals an idea out in porn university, please. I want to make sure Silicon Valley doesn't get its fucking hands on this.

Gung, gung, gung, gung. Damn, that would be awesome. I would love to do a party. What about a Christmas party at the Ogressons? Sure. That'd be a good one. Yeah, why not? Little Christmas party, come over.

A little spike the eggnog? Yeah. Not for you. You guys throw a good party. We were thinking about doing one this year, but it just hasn't been planned yet. I'm like, I'd have to find it like this week. Our black electrician never brought our heating. For outside?

Yeah. Okay. Well, I have it taken care of. Hmm? You heard me. You killed it at Black Electrician? Bobby, that's too much. I didn't want that to be the case.

You should have said something. I just ended up being unreliable at the end of the day. Well, whatever, dude. I got it. It's all set. It is funny because I didn't know his name. And when he came by to look at our house when I thought there was a wiring issue.

And he was like, he was like, I could take a good look at this. But he's like, I'm going on vacation tomorrow. So I might not be able to get to it for like, like two weeks. And we were like, okay, is it dangerous at all? And he was like, no. And then he started looking up,

like light flickering in the house. Could it be? And they're like, yeah, sure, it could be dangerous. So we got somebody else to handle it. But when he was there, we also talked about some outdoor lighting and some other electrical stuff.

So I was like, I felt bad that we got somebody else. I go, hey, Christine, tell that black electrician, we're going to have him do our outside lighting and all the heating stuff. And then he came over, late as shit, I think a day or too late one day. Then he came over

and told him. old Christine, and he's going to go, I'm going to get you all these options are going to be coming to you by tonight. You're going to get an email. Then he never reached back out again. No, one point he said I get my lights from Home Depot and just sent me like the Home Depot which I'm like, I don't have you ever shopped on Home Depot. There's like 5,000 of everything. I was like, I need some may to hold my hand a little more through this process, really.

And he was like, come on, baby, I'm black electrician. We just never followed that. Oh, now. Oms, my God. This is a little joke I make. Oms, my God. Oh yeah You want your wild R rerouted, huh?

Wabbardee dappo. Ooh, it don't cost nothing. Get your ass a little extra light switch. I understand why you hate on me, nigger. Show love, nigger. It don't cost nothing to show a nigger

love, niggily. I was doing this gay money. Show a niggas who love, nigga. Is that Christine? Has that a phone call with Christine and him? Man, I got to tell you, when I left the house on Wednesday,

I left the house to one of the funniest arguments I ever heard happening. with it was christine on the phone yeah for the night before she opened it so quick and set it up so like she's headed up so fast this tree it's uh and we did the same thing like what's her for our friend our friend her friend michel who loves she's the fancy schmance person we know who tells you always like to oh just buy the label brand thing you know get this you'll have it forever she's that person Yeah.

So it's why I have like five things in my life that are stupidly priced. I'll have them forever, I guess. And she goes, this is the pre-lit, you know, what do you call? Fake Christmas tree. This is the one. This is the one. You have to get it. So Christine got it and brings it back.

Or, you know, it shows up to the house. She sets it up really quick. The lights, and we're going through, and she showed me all different things the lights can do. It's like the lights under my screen. truck. I have one. More. One of those same ones? Last year it was the first year that we had a fake tree. The same thing. Dawn is this the

top of the... I go, I love a regular tree. I love doing the lights. I love getting the tree. The year before we actually cut our own tree down. I like it. I don't mind it. I like, you know, it's our thing, you know what I mean? Nobody else in your family does. Do we cut a tree down? Why? It was awesome. What's your tree farm?

Then you did. It was awesome then, that one time. Remember that memory? You gave Max a core memory. over now. Get a fucking fake tree. Well, we got one last year. The dog gets endometriosis from swollen pine needles. What the fuck is, what is it? I didn't mean endometriosis. What did I mean? I meant

what happened with the fish bones in Brock Lesner's stomach? It fucking rips a lining in your stomach. No, I want to get it, Jacob. I mean, look it up, yes, but I also want to get it. You got, uh, I'm going to say... Sickle cell. Did I guess endometriosis? Is that what

I said. You said. Period thing. Yeah. endo. Fucking, come on now. It's, do you see what it is now, Jacob? Do your little fingers type too?

Not fast enough? It's, it's called, am I right with an E? No. I got it. No, it's an I. Can I give you the first letter? Yes. Dendometriosis.

No. That's not it. Oh. Diverticulitis. There you go. Try it again. What's that face? Because you said, there you go.

You didn't know if it was a right answer until everyone else accepted it also. Here's the problem, though. You'll never know. I'll never know. You'll have to investigate it, and you don't have the time or the money to do that right now.

All right. Let's go back. Ready? Yeah. Okay. We're all in a good time. We're all on a good laugh. We're all going to get a real tree for.

That doesn't even make any sense. He goes, dog's going to get diverticulitis from swallowing pine needles. That's all we needed from it, by the way. It was never going to be a fucking room devastator. It was always going to be like a But I wanted to make sure

Endometriosis That's pussy stuff I mean literally I think it's stuff It's like a pussy thing It's period stuff she said Right Period stuff

Period junk It's like your period never stops Yeah Pussy's always squirted that old pussy Yeah it comes out like Jello gelatin It clumps up on the leg Oh my Christ

Oh my Christ on the cross But I you know what After we did get the fake tree I did it looked great And it's She bought candles You gotta buy candles Excuse?

Well, she got candles that smell like the tree. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So when you walk in, it smells like you have a real tree. Sure. That's a great idea. Frazier fur. Frazier fur, what? That's the candle you buy.

I don't buy candles. I'm not gay. Oh, I do. You buy candles? Yes. Why am I asking that? Crackling candles are my favorite. What is that?

They go. A what? Well, we haven't got our winter candles. It makes a sound. I get it. I get it. I got it. Okay. I got it.

One more time. It crackles. It goes. All right, I got it. Okay. Good. Oh, here you can. That's a crackling candle. It's one of them.

That's the one that goes across. Oh, how does it crackle? It's burn like shit. Like this. It goes. I know how. You just ask me the question. No, but how does it actually the physics of it work?

Oh, I take my tongue. It's like my leg. No, not you. The candle. The candle. Oh. I don't know. Do what a fucking candle maker?

Well, you know what fucking diverticitis is. Barely That would That I hate that That sounds like the trees burning It sounds like the house is on fire Well that's not a good one That is nuts

That's a real shit That's a shit one That's a SMR Give me one First of all Christine Get off these B market Bullshit fucking candles And take me over to a Yankee candle

Crackling candle please I'm here That's the Yankee candle brand Let me hear it Oh What a jerk off But anyway yeah You need a crackling candle

I don't like the crackling. If that's a sound, I don't want it. That would freak me out all night. That's not, that was ASMR. It sounds like this. That sounds like somebody having a stroke. That sounds like Keith eating. Keith eating cereal.

So, yeah. Christine got this tree. And like the lights under my truck. She's showing me on the app. and it's nice, fun. This does this. You know, cascades down.

They all go white and do different spots. They do my favorite thing always, which I guess people don't love as much as I do, but I love is the fading in. I love the fading. Some people don't love the fading. I love the fade. Is this the one?

So does all this stuff that she's shown me, but what I'm noticing is that every time she changes it to a different thing, at one point, after like a little bit, you know, it does it for a little bit. Then it starts going back to just like, it does a little bit of everything.

It does all the lights, then it twinkles, then they all turn white and do it like on its own. Like a demo mode. So you can actually go through like different tax brackets of people. Sure. White trash, really rich, middle class. What it starts doing is going through a demo mode.

Right. It just starts doing everything it possibly does. It starts doing all of it. Oh, you can swipe that. I think we didn't get that one. I don't know if you could do that. Is that the one you got right there? Yeah.

So you can like touch the lights on the app and make it do? That's nuts. I love that. No. She got like the one. Dawn didn't get the one. She said she got the one. Dawn lies to you a lot, dude.

She does lie to me. God, I wish she'd have sex with somebody else and I'd catch her. Set her up, dude. I'm trying to. Set her up. Start hiring more guys at your house. She really does speak fluent Spanish. Oh, nice.

Yeah. She took one course in high school and all. All of a sudden, she can just talk to my construction guy. Is this? The thing we had does this? You can make an American flag? I guess so. I want this.

So, but we got, but here's what happened. Can you make a Jewish flag? There's no such thing. What a Palestinian flag. There's not a Jewish flag. Yeah, there is. Israel flag? Yeah.

You say Israeli, I say Jewish. A Jewish flag? Sh, we got one in the room right now. Do you want to hear this argument? Yes, I do. she so what happens every time she sets a new light thing and we look at it for a little bit it just goes and start kind of defaults back to this demo mode which is doing a little bit everything it's all over the place and I'm like that's weird and then I go we'll just put it on

maybe when you got to leave the app open or something and whatever's happening it just keeps defaulting to this she gets up the next morning it's first thing I hear walking around she's pissed off about this thing is just defaulting when I leave she's talking to the most Indian woman ever who was talking to her from, I can only assume India, who is unfamiliar with this product completely. It is the number you call.

And Christine's argument are saying things like, this woman probably lives, like, probably takes a bath like in hippopotamus water. You know what I mean? They don't have hippos in India. No? No, it's Africa.

Whatever. They have elephants. Elephant water. Hypipotism is funnier. Way funnier. this lady and he as I'm walking out she's going and it keeps defaulting to this

demo mode and it's like I was told this was the tree I was told this was the tree and now I need you to either tell me how this works or have somebody come here and pick this piece of shit up because I need another tree it's like Jesus, this is about a Christmas tree I'm trying to bring joy in the neighborhood

through my bay window Jay after met that this woman was infuriating She was infuriating And she was catching all of Christine's fury And she is just a lady Who I could only assume Was surrounded by a harum of weird fucking

Cloth And just ugh And she was just like Man, I'd call you back And she's like, oh, you're gonna call me back Or are you gonna call me back? I don't think you're gonna call me back I have to go get my lunch from a man who sits in dirt Around rats and sticks his fingers and pans

For some reason I am told to worship him God damn it Yeah it is weird When you have to call those people And you immediately know That it's just hello And you're like

Oh fuck they don't You know It makes you It makes you really desire The angry black woman Remember back of the day? Hello? Oh my God

Anybody who happens to work with the product But that's what I said I found out with that outside TV thing too With the sound bar thing The small TV The company's the smallest of them I'm sorry

it is a perfect size for that area it's almost it's good it's great I forget we were talking about no we're talking about the tree the tree weird stupid tree sucks no all those things that are like

when you're like I want to get like the shit like I'm gonna get like the thing the motherfucker it's always it leaves like Why is the best outdoor TV, not Samsung or Sony? It probably is. Yeah. Because you just get that TV and put it like one of the outside boxes

that basically the TV I bought is just a Google TV in a box like that, like a weatherproof box. Yeah. So it's like it's not the top of the line thing. They're just doing the thing for you. Yeah. They're actually giving you probably a cheaper TV, but it's in this weatherproof box. Yeah.

And it's always some kind of scam. The basketball, the pool basketball thing I got. Piece of shit. Oh, you got it? I mean, it's gone now. That was the worst. I punched it. I punched like it was a person.

Why? Because it was a $1,000 pool basketball set up. And it was listed, let's just tell you this out of the gates. It was listed as breakaway rim. That's why I got it. He goes, if you guys can dunk off the, you could jump off the sides and dunk, and you could do whatever, and this thing, breakaway rim, breakaway rim. Breakaway rim, do you know what that is?

In the NBA, they made the breakaway rims when people dunk, it's why it bends down. Because a shack, right? Yeah, and snaps back. It's not a breakaway rim. It's like a fail safe so it doesn't break, is that if you dunk on it and put enough weight on it, the whole thing just like caves down. Like almost like a hydraulic, but it's not hydraulic. It just bends down.

On your head while you're in the water. I don't know. It would be on your head. It was just, you gotta get out of the pool and have somebody reset it annoyingly. The whole thing was just made bad. The directions had no words, just pictures and no labels. You had to line up with the picture of the part you were holding. And some of the parts are like a plastic thing.

And three of them look exactly the same slightly different sizes from a picture. Didn't have an image. You said age six. One of the, not the biggest or a little. Attach 86 to 8, 9. It was insane. And so I punched and kicked it. Oh, we got some of your anger out.

I did. I did. Is that it right then? That's the one. It looks kind of cool, dude. Doesn't it, though? It looks awesome. Doesn't it?

Do you have to fill it with water? You fill it with water in the bottom. You fill it with 500 plus pounds of water. Jesus Christ. Buddy. Let me tell you what else I got from them. That's a thousand bucks. Let me tell you a little more.

Let me tell you what else I got from them. For $30, I tagged on these two little floating basketball nets. They just, like, float in the water. Yeah, yeah. Two of those and a bunch of the miniature basketballs. It's the only thing at all that I played. Actually, I played with that only one time. And I reinforced them, too, because they were built kind of shitty, too.

Reenforced them with good, like, waterproof tape and all kind of stuff to make them really good. And then we all were playing in the pool once. And Christine, and a bunch of people were just like, you go, you know, this, this thing sucks. And then I never played it again, ever. Well, I mean, you're actually, you're not supposed to play basketball in a pool. Exactly. You're supposed to, for sure, supposed to do that. The pool is the pool.

The basketball. is the basketball. Is that what you? Do you think the world's agreeing with you on that? I think that when they mix things, you got to... If you're in a pool for hours,

you don't think at some point if someone's like, hey, just throw the fucking, let's do a little fun game with the basketballs in the pool. Well, yeah, there's pool fun games you play. Like, you know...

My basketball pool days are over. Look at my penis under the water. Dude, go under. And then you look up, be like, dude! That's how you lose a pool boy quick. Yeah, no, I've gotten, I'm out of the basketball pool biz. You're done?

I'm done. No more. I pick no more things for the pool for leisure of it. I don't go in it enough, and no one enjoys basketball in the pool with me. Why don't you get some waterproof cards, and we can do like Texas Hold'em in your pool? I don't like Texas Hold'em either. What about strip poker in your pool? I do not like, I have to say, I'm not enjoying not living anywhere near or ability to have

any kind of basketball fun at all. Well, you could put a bat, you have a big enough front yard, you could put a basketball hoop in your driveway and then park the cars on the street, and we could play some ball. I'd have to change the entire driveway. Why would you have to change the entire driveway? Because it's brick. Oh.

So, we can't, we can play basketball like the forefathers. We all wear buckle shoes and fucking, uh, dribble basketballs on brick. We all have wigs. We have somebody with a quill writing the score down. Now I think I'm going to put a basketball on that outside. Every Sunday I'm happy everybody for Colonial Basketball. Hey, everyone, Sunday's for Colonial Basketball.

Who's in? Buckled shoes, knee-high socks. No black guys. Bottom of the nose glasses. You have to shoot your free throws like that? It was a tough. Tie, you do a duel. I wanted to put one in my backyard, but for the size, it would, like, dominate the backyard,

and it's a nice backyard. You got a great backyard, but you could put, like, a little half-court somewhere. That's where I would. That's what I'm saying. But, like, a half-court, even though, like, it just takes up space. It's stupid. Even, like, like, like, by where the... You really said that's so low.

I was like, she's choosing her words wisely. No, like, where the white fences, it goes out to the driveway. You could put a basketball thing if you want. You know what I mean? Like on the side of the house, like where it goes out to the driveway, like right there. Can that be a basketball area? Concrete the whole thing, though. Yeah, but just like that part of it.

Yeah, because then you get away. The problem with that is that the ball is going to go over you and the fence and you're going to have to, hey, man. It's very close to an neighbor. Well, I think you could have the hoop on, like, have the back of the hoop be the house if you put it there. Hmm No Yeah but it goes off to the side It's a terrible spot for it

I mean I got a basketball hoop for Max And just stuck it in the driveway Yeah but he plays like a white kid I need a little bit of space to move around Man I grew up in West Philadelphia So we fucking I would love to fight you on that But Max really

Sucked that basketball Any space to move dude Well Max is playing football And he's playing football The way he's supposed to For his size and height and everything. Like, he's playing like line men.

He's in the thing. That's why my whole thing was so fucked up. Because when I was a kid, there was no organized sports, really, that we were playing. At least you went to, like, Catholic school or something. My school had no organized sports like that.

So it was all neighbor at football, and we played. But I'm not a quarterback, but I was. You were the quarterback? Some games. You know what I mean? It was nothing. There wasn't lines.

There wasn't like a defensive enough, you know what I mean? It was like, maybe you had like a two-person line and that job sucked. But size almost meant nothing. Like, I was a great running back because people couldn't tackle me. Well, not because I was fast. You know what I mean?

You just have five guys on my show. Five guys just dragging you down. Yeah, a bunch of kids smaller than me yanking on my body. Like, fucking, it was like they were bringing down a monster. They had Pop Warner, but I couldn't play because the kid in Pop Warner, one of the leaders or whatever. He hated my guts and he used to beat me up all the time. And you said, you weren't allowed to play? Well, my friend went down.

He's like, dude, come down, just check it out. And I went and he was there. And he was like, what the fuck are you doing there? And I was like, just leaving. And I just never went back. I'm here to watch the jock straps. I was just like, hey, man, I'm not going to fucking deal with this shit. Sure.

Yeah. I got bullied out of hockey, too. Boston, that's big. Yeah. People love hockey in Boston. The other kid, Bob Kelly. His name was Bob Kelly. And he was just better.

And now I was just a mean redhead. And I showed up at the rink one day and he beat me up of having the name. You got bullied by a redhead? I got bullied. Redheads bully everybody. Not this guy. They're the evil. That's a Boston thing.

Yeah. That's a Boston thing. Dude. Not in Philadelphia. you dude a redhead bully no way dude I actually met him if you were a redhead tried to bully me in school if you were bigger than me and a thousand times tougher than me you're gonna have to kill me before I keep fighting before I stop fighting back before I go home and tell everyone I lost to a redhead redhead

buddy redhead scared the shit out of me my whole life I mean silent the the children of the corn Christmas story it's a Boston it's always a redhead with like you know Boston just those weird teeth yeah he be freckles I saw him three years ago at a at a Dom State tips had a oh grand opening I went there and he walked up he's like hey what's up uh you remember me I was like who are you I'm I'm Bob Kelly too remember I was like oh I remember you he goes let me borrow your son for the weekend you're okay I go he was with his son I was at max I go you used to beat me up and I never played hockey because of you and he goes yeah I did he goes oh that's why I'm

he goes he goes that's why I'm here actually and then he had his son beat up max Jesus Max doesn't play hockey now Max doesn't play hockey now Max doesn't hockey anymore. Shit. Yeah, hockey's a big one in Boston. People love hockey. I hated it. I hate watching the sport.

I don't, like, I don't get it at all. I mean, I get how it works. I'm saying I just like, as a sport to watch, it's not entertaining to me. I mean, going live is great, but it's... I heard that always. It smells like fucking just socks and that ice smell always bother me. But I love going to a game. I got to go to one.

I got to see a game. Dude, going to a game is good. Watching a guy. fight another guy like just it's one of the last sports where you can just beat the shit out of each other

they don't they stop it they let them go they fight like bad girls club they stopped it for a minute but then they let them go a little more now because they know that yeah but people watch hockey

to see people fight well they got rid of fights was that like a couple years completely got rid of fights and then they were like all right yeah we need it back yeah because it was

it sucked you know what I think they got upset when there was that game do you remember blades of steel you go back to video games that first? far. And like, that was like either in arcades and it was like Nintendo.

But the whole game was just like banging into each other until they would do that split screen where the two guys threw their pads down. And it was just a each hold each other's shoulders and one punch to the face each until one went down. Was it a Philly guy or a Boston guy that he went up to the whole bench back in the day, threw his gloves

off and went to the other team's bench and just said, let's go to the whole fucking team. Oh, probably. Who was that? I think it was Bobby Clark maybe. Oh, yeah. I actually, he was at Boston, Boston comics come home a few years ago and me and Burr hung out with him all night. Oh yeah?

He's still a maniac, yeah? I bought some Philly-centric art while I was in Philadelphia. What was it? For behind my couch, I got a big old picture of Boathouse Row. What the fuck is that? Come on.

Buddy, I'm not from Philly. I don't know what Boathouse Row is. You don't have a Boat House Row is? What's Boat House Row? Do you know what Boat House Row is? No. Nobody does. You know what Boat House Row is, don't you?

Absolutely. Thank you. Jacob, do you know? You know what Boat House Row is, don't you? Yeah, it's off the Delaware River, right by Ben Franklin Bridge. What is it? Not really by Ben Franklin Bridge, but yes.

Yes. In the area. It's just boathouses? Yeah. Ooh. Here's the fuck. It's iconic. It's iconic.

Yeah, dude. No, Bunker Hill is iconic. What is that? That's in Bunker Hill where the, they fucking saw the British coming. It was Boat House Row. Yeah, Boathouse Row is just boathouses. It's fancy. people. No, it's not fancy

people. It's the crewhouses for the University of Pennsylvania crew teams. Yeah, we have that. We have that on the Charles River. What's it called? It's called Charles River fucking Boathouse for Harvard University, which is a better whatever the fuck. It's too wordy. I mean, it's wordy because I don't know

what it is. I just made it up. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, we have that. I thought it was real. I apologize. Yeah, dude. Boathouse Row is not a famous thing. Of course it is. Nobody knows what Boathouse Road is except if you're from Row. That too.

Boathouse Row, dude. We have that in Boston. Is it called Boathouse Row? No, it's called the Charles River Boat House. Well, this is Boat House. Well, Charles River Boat House is probably more famous. Well, your stupid one doesn't have a cool picture. That's the cool picture?

Where's Bobby's dumb one? Dude, that looks like just fucking shitty houses on the river. That's what looks like to you in that picture? That, yeah, but dude, it looks like where I come from in New Hampshire, the Holderness. You don't come from New Hampshire. Dude, I'm a dual residence. How dare you? You come from there?

Now I do. I'm half there. I'm half in a hampshire. A shape shifter. Yeah, look at that. That's... Let me see. Look at that, dude.

That's it right there. That's iconic. That's for old men would rape boys. Yeah, dude. That's why it's iconic. How many date rapes took place in that? Yeah, that's all Mystic River boy rape shit. That's a child's river.

Sure. That's a different river. No, but whatever, you know, they killed Tim Robbins. That's not it. Yeah, remember by accident? I've never heard of Boathouse Row. You ever see an episode Always Sunny in Philadelphia? Yes.

Then, let me tell you something, my friend. You've seen Boathouse Row because they show it. Mm-hmm. And sometimes, in the beginning. Then did not show... Right there. Boathouse Row. It looks like Santa's House.

It's not, though. It's Boat House Row. I'm all right. That's 30th Street Station. I know what that is. That's what Keith dropped me off. That's where I got my tattoo. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, the massage parlors are down there. Some? Good ones. I'd say probably not the good one. I don't know. It was good to me. I mean, what's not good about any massage parlor place? Right.

Oh. Nice massage, 40-minute deep tissue, and then a little hand job at the end? And then I got the little love park. What's that? What's a love park? Philadelphia's Love Park. It's called the city of brotherly love. I know that.

It's an iconic statue. Which is totally against what the city is. Look at the iconic stat. What are you talking about? We love brothers. They're great sports. Dude, Philadelphia loves their brothers. All 52 of the Eagles.

That love thing, they have an aruba for God's sakes. They have it everywhere. Yeah, but it's from Philly. It's a Philly thing? Yes. Love. Go birds. City of Brotherly Love, the love statue for Love Park.

Dude, you... The Statue of Liberty is also in Las Vegas. It's not the Statue of Liberty. Yeah, but it has the same feeling when you look at it. When Matt Rife sold out the arena the other day, a little tiny Liberty belt but they're still an actual Liberty belt. Dude, the things that he's getting, he got a fucking championship belt. Yeah, yeah.

You see that? He's getting so many cool things. I know. I feel like he's getting even more stuff than Shane because he's selling the same amount of tickets and better looking. It's like still the hot guy still wins a little bit more. Yeah, but here's a thing. Shane's killing it so hard, but they just give Matt Ripe a little bit more stuff because he's super handsome. But also, Matt takes that home.

frames it has a special room for it's true Shane just leaves it no Matt's doing the he's doing like the but by the way I'd worry but I wouldn't do this because the way I would look in those things but Matt does that every city's in he goes on stage in the city's jersey for the thing yeah I've seen Shane shame there it's a very famous thing shame will just leave they'll come in with like a custom something for Shane made for that arena and he'd be like what the f how am I gonna get that home and he just takes the Zins and leaves the fucking gift you know ship that to me It's so funny.

Yeah, that is a... I would take it, though. I would take everything. I love it all. I mean, the jerseys are all pretty fucking cool. Jersey's could. Christine, you could find the other picture if you look up. Philadelphia Sports Heroes looking at art museum picture.

First of all, anything that anybody's ever given me, like, a place, it's never fit. And I don't even... I don't even get the... I don't even get the staff photo at most of these places. I do staff photos for sure. I haven't been presented with too much. love, tell you something, I know it's just like they're forced to do it, basically, but it's a nice touch. The Bark Entertainment Clubs, they give you the card at the end of the month.

What is it? Or the end of the week, they give you a card that the whole staff, like, signs and writes a little note to you, like, thanks for the weekend. I got that at the, um, in, uh, was at the comedy on State. They do that there, too? That's a good one. Nice, yeah. Yeah, that is a good. I do like that.

Can you just acknowledge that you like this picture? I mean. Black and white with the red. And then that's on. On the other side is Rolling Stones, Lou Tang, and Madonna posters. Mm-hmm. Is that yours? What?

Is that your photo? That I took? No, I know you don't take photos. Is that in your house? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, no, I don't know. It's the whole way.

Did you find the other picture? No, I found a similar one, but I'm not finding the exact one. I'm trying to find. Doesn't Chicago have that love thing, too? No, they're stupid. They kill each other out there. No brother love out there, dude. They don't love their brothers.

They don't love their brothers. They're the brothers kill each other in the south side at record pace. That's basically the picture sort of is. It's like that. It's the art museum. How do the Eagles do this weekend? Take out the word painting. Huh?

How did the Eagles do this weekend? Terrible. The whole season's done. Yeah. It's falling apart. No one likes each other. Patriot first place. And they're losers.

Patriots first place out of all the teams in the league. Also, if Christine wasn't with me, we took Dawkins to the top of the Rocky steps this weekend. so she could go up there and be Rocky. She seemed to care more about the art museum. She really is Rocky's kid. She cared about the museum far more than looking at the museum

and giving shit about that stupid statue. But I heard they move the statue. It's not at the top anymore. I don't know which ones, but you can look that up, actually. One of them's a replica. There's two. No, no.

I've never seen this before, except this time, because I always know it's next to the steps down low. And that's where people go to see it. And I go, and when they do the movie, they put at the top of the steps. It was always at the top. No, no, no.

Not always at the top. They do that just for the movies. I thought the original one was at the top and then they recently, in the last few years, moved it. No. They may have left it to the top after the movie after part three for a while, but it got moved. It was always outside the spectrum in Philadelphia,

the concert hall, and where the Sixers played. It was out there just next to the arena in a little area. And then when they knocked down the spectrum, they moved it over to the art museum next to the steps. When they did that last Rocky, they put it back at the top, the steps but then it lives at the bottom but now there's one both oh god this song makes me want to do better in life i vamp so hard every time i hear it i want to just start writing makes you want to

overcome i want to do a bunch of things right now can i tell you if i was alone on those rocky steps i went into there there's a rocky store at the bottom of the steps oh and they have italian stallion robes oh god why didn't you get one i don't know i almost bought the tiger jacket satin jacket they got it i came very close to buying that they got it They got it. They got little punchable Dragos and Rockies. They've got great shirt. They have a shirt with the original poster.

It looks like it's a, like you bought merch for the Rocky Apollo Creed Bicentennial Showdown. That's cool. Just the regular shirts with his face on and stuff. You could buy the Rocky hat. You could buy a bunch of, you know, just actual baseball hats. But the Italian Stalian robe was calling me a little bit. Yeah. I was going to go back and get it, but I did not.

You should get that for the summer when you come up to the pool. We're an Italian-Starian road over to the pool. Oh, that'd be hot. It's so yellow and ugly. But it's so cool. I do like the Rocky Two hat. Remember the hats, the merch they were selling when he was doing the, is that the two, right? When he did it at the hotel and they were selling hats.

Polly was selling the hats. Oh, yeah, yeah. Training, getting ready for a fight. Yeah, Polly was the original Jay Davis for Rocky. Oh, wait a second. So what's going on? So there's been one that's been at the base forever. That's like the, but then there's...

That's the replica? I believe that's a replica, and now Stallone's donated his original, but there's also another replica now at the Philadelphia airport. So there's three in Philly. Which one's his? They're saying the one that's at the top of the stairs is his. Top of the stairs is his. No shit.

Oh, wow. But the one at the top... So that's the original now, but that wasn't the one that was used all the time. But in the movie, they had the one at the top of the stairs he threw his helmet at. Yeah. And he broke his helmet.

Yeah. Yeah, that sucked. That seems to scare me. When he threw the helmet? I don't know. How old was that when Rocky 3 came out? Because I will say when I watched it, I love that movie.

18? But the way the music changes in that scene, go to Rocky throws a helmet at it. Listen to the music for it. It scared me. I don't know why. I didn't like the scene. It used to make me nervous.

I miss them putting, like... He goes, ugh! And the music kind of goes with it. They don't do music anymore for movies like that. Scoring? They don't do. Not like great orchestra scoring.

No, they do. They make a big deal about it when it's like that stupid movie with Natalie Portman. Yeah, but they use like songs now more. That's so sad. I want to do. It bums me out that they could just move that right when cut and they just take that dumb statue and put it somewhere. How the fuck the Dawkins not care that she was standing right there at this moment?

It was really windy. I've dreamed of recreating the scene. I like that. Going in on a Harley and throwing a helmet at it. Now I want to get a motorcycle with the Italian stallion logo on it. Jacob would do that. Here it is. This would scare the shit to me.

Jacob would throw the helmet at it every week. No! That would scare you? It scared the shit out. I didn't like it. I was like, well, Rocky's evil or bad or something. It's so funny that they did. What year to come out?

You were 82. I was five. It's okay. Yeah, it's okay. Don't call me gay. It's okay. I was like six. I probably should have been drinking in Rocky 3.

They killed his manager. Nobody called you gay aloud. I know we were thinking it. Of course we were. Also. I've been thinking that ever since I joined the bonfire. Can I tell you something? I got something in my head that's been...

Can I just say one thing, though? How lucky is it they didn't do a statue in the first movie? Just chubby Rocky? I know. That was suck of me. By the way, I've always thought that I go, remember he was chubby in part one? By the way, I talk about him being chubby and...

in part one. I would murder for his body in part one right now. He's actually in shape. He's just like not shredded. Yeah. That would be a shitty statue to have to look at for the rest of your life. Go up and you chubby. But you bounce her body? Yeah. Question.

For this, when he throws the statue, am I to understand because I've understood, did he ride his motorcycle up the steps? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that is a weird thing. They're not very steep. I know, but nobody bothered him. He just rode our Harley up to me. It's fucking rocky.

It's rocky, but it would be weird to hear. They're just rocking on, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. But I will tell, and Christine can back this up. I do love this. This is one of those, like, wins for Philly where you're, like, trash always wins out there. I know they've got a nice art culture now and fancy foods and fine dining there now,

but it's still a fucking pure garbage place at all. The, um, we, first of all, we had Oregon steaks 500 times. So good. You miss it so much. It's so good. So you had a, we had to think. Thanksgiving night cap of Oregon steaks. That was the fattest thing of it ever.

But the greatest thing of it. You got cheese steaks on Thanksgiving night? Cheese steak. Yeah, we just shared one. I didn't eat the whole half. It doesn't matter. What a fucking great move. Most people have a turkey sandwich late tonight.

You guys said fuck it. Yeah, well, we couldn't take home leftovers. Yeah, I can't take home leftovers from that. Why can't take home leftovers? There wasn't much. First of all, yeah. There also wasn't a lot of leftovers. And I have a family of.

broke siblings. You bring on the turkey, guys. Everything's going to be. Everything's going to be just... What were you going to say? You said you had something to say. Oh, yeah, it's about Philly being trash. It's trash. But...

No, it wasn't but. It was more about the trash winning. Oh, the top of the art museum steps. Christine could attest to this. No one's going to that museum. But there's 300 people there to run up the stairs and take a picture with Rocky statue. There's a line. Yeah. There's no picture of Dawkins with Rocky statue

because it was so windy and there was an actual line. To take a picture. With the Rocky Statue. Yeah, that's fucked up. Self-imposed. There's no line. You ran up? I was in boots.

I walked up. Fair enough. But I did go up. Have you run up? Oh, a thousand times. A thousand times? Yeah. Did you put your arms over your head?

I did that when I walked up. Oh, yeah, I don't give a shit. You get the top of the stairs. You're going to do it. You get some of the stairs. they're still talking. He goes, and after this, we should probably go, um, you're going to go to Papa Johns and just grab, like,

I mean, we know what it is, right? I don't know it be the best pizza, but at least we know what we're there and we're getting, right? They should have that music playing the whole time up there. It just really should. They should just have it on speakers, outdoor speakers, that song play. I mean, Gino's was blaring fucking Mexicans go home music for two years.

Top of the fucking when Gino's, when Gino's got hit with like the order in English or get out of here and they were like, And they were like, you can't say that. And they just doubled down. They're like, sure we can. Yeah. Now, order in English, you get the fuck out of here.

And if you're just going to sit here, you're going to listen to the same five patriotic songs over and over again. It was crazy. We're going to have stickers made. I'm going to stick them right on the window. Right on the window. Order in English or beat it. Yeah.

It's fucking wild. It may have said order in English or get out of the country. They doubled right. Hey, by the way, it didn't slow business for fives. Everyone was like, you guys suck. But it did make me proud to be a Pats guy. I'm like, yeah, I was. always pets anyway.

I wonder if they still have my photo up there. Pats or Ginoes? Ginos. Maybe. Yeah, I wonder if they still have it up there. We should go there. We should look one day. There we are.

A couple steps. Jersey came in real handy a few hours later when the Eagles had their season basically ended emotionally. Wow, what a game. How is the season over? Aren't they in first place in their... In the NFC East.

Yeah, but it's all... Mathematically, it's done. It's not even... It's not even... would have done mathematically. Mathematically, it's all ahead of them. But locker room wise, it's falling the pieces. Spiritually, it's over. Pat's, K.C. lost. Pat's number one. Sequin Barclay had one of his biggest games at 50 yards this year, where he was getting

like 200-yard games regularly. It's going so bad. Did you see that guy that was screaming at the end of the game? The video? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Here's the thing. At any moment, I was like, this guy's going to catch a beating. And nobody beat the shit out of him. No. Nobody fucked him up. I thought he'd be fucked up in two seconds.

Nobody fucked this guy up. Philly's changed, bro. Philly has changed. It's the bonfire.