The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Born To Hand Jive

Episode Date: July 2, 2025

Jay officiates comedian Colum Tyrrell's wedding and it brings up memories of his own wedding. Jay and Bob compare their wedding songs. | There is a gay pride celebration in the lobby that brings up questions of Christine's sexuality, who once had an emotional relationship with her cat. Bob shows Jay the movie "Cruising" with Al Pacino and longs for sexy night club. Earlier in the day, Jay touched Bobby in a sensitive area and it has made them grow closer. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolfSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.

And now the bonfire with Big J Olkerson and Robert Kelly Is this before they're all gay before the rappers were gay? Yeah, well it's back when it was the only person who would tell you That was Wendy Williams. Right. There was a time when only she would say, Method Man and Red Man are 69-ing. And everyone would be like, what? Shut up, bitch. They hated her, yeah. Is that true?

Who knows anymore? Right? Ups, down, left is right. I mean, look, when I first came to the Bonfire, I was front line of the P. Diddy. And I, I, no, come on, no. You know, our very own Kurt Metzger, uh, swears that the, you know, granted, he's at home always surrounded by red strings connecting pictures, but I do assume that, uh, Kurt says that the audio of P. Diddy butt fucking a guy in a room is very real

Yeah, and I'm prepared to just take his word with no evidence. I Know the one where he was fucking the dad From Fabbin Matters. Yeah. No, no, no, we're supposed to be fucking like Meek Mill or something Meek Mill's fucked, yeah Yeah, I mean it is how I think butt fucking would sound. Yeah. Oh, oh good bad good bad. Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh good good again. Yeah I assume the pull back has to feel like the the satisfaction of taking like a Thick shit, but then someone's kicking the shit right back up your butthole. I'm sorry you walked in at a strange time

So what were you saying about having a sex Jane, sir. Wow, we just had somebody... So what were you saying about having ass sex, Jay? When you have access, what's the hard part? I assume the coming out part would feel like you're taking a very relieving shit. So that's the mmm. And then right when it's about to break off and fall into the toilet,

someone kicks the shit right back up your asshole again. That seems like the not as great part. I assume the parade's about the second part. I would think the opposite. I would think the pushing it in would be like, oh, this is nice. That would be the, mm. And then the pulling it back out,

it's like ow, ow, ow, ow. No? Like, it's coming out, like right here. Ah, that's an in, out, out, out, out, out, out. Well, no, no, no, no. The owls were overlapping the pullout of feeling good because you could hear the slaps go fast. There's no time for like, I'm saying if you were pumping slow,

it would be like, let's say, let's start in. Start in. We're staying all the way in. When it's coming out, you're going to would be like, let's say, let's start in. Start in. We're staying, we're all the way in. When it's coming out, you're gonna have that like, whoa, we're almost there. And then right when it gets to the relieving part of this shit's about to hit the toilet. You push it back in.

It goes all the way back in, aggressively, from what it sounds like in this audio. So if you pushed it in, so pushing, getting it all the way in is the tough part, but once it's in That's all speculation. I'll stop asking me like I'm a professor. I don't know. Well, I I would say you would know I don't Never had a wiener up my butt. You never had anything up your butt No, but I have had turds leave my ass. I know that does feel good

It does feel good. Yeah. It does feel great. I think we can all agree that a big old thick turd leaving your ass feels great. Do you ever have a long turd leave? Of course. And then you know it doesn't get cut off at all, and then right at the end it just pinches off. A straight up coil.

And there's no more poop. Like you pooped one poop, all came out like a dog. Came out, pinched off, and you go to wipe and there's like nothing. You're like, wow, that's good. That's a good thing. Well, now that I've learned how to fucking gargle with my asshole,

I don't have to wipe too, too much. I can't. I have to unlearn because I learned to open it up so much, my asshole swallows some of the water. So I'll get up and then I'll walk out and be walking around and be like, ah, my asshole hasallows some of the water. So I'll get up and then I'll walk out and be walking around and be like, ah, my asshole has to throw up. No, dude, you have to bloom your asshole at the end.

Bloom it? Yeah. I didn't know that. My asshole opened up, swallowed it. No, it's gonna swallow it. Like a gargle. It's up there. Yeah.

I think it's behind your balls. I don't know. That's where I think it goes, like a camel. And then I assume it would come out. But if you, at the end, when you're firing that water up there and you feel you've taken a few in, bloom, bloom, push two out. And then so I believe all your butthole meat

will come right to the edge and get rid of that excess water. Prolapse a little. Don't prolapse at all. No, bloom, difference. Bloom. Real quick, hang on a second. Give yourself. Do you have an opinion on any of this?

I do not. Okay, great. It's good. I apologize for you walking in on this conversation. It's bidet life. It's bidet life. Do you have a bidet? No.

Well, we can get you one. If Tushy ever comes back on as a sponsor, we're getting everybody bidets. He's got to be around so much tech at work, maybe he likes his shitting to be analog. Leave him alone. Right. This guy's got his own computers everywhere he goes. He plays Atari, Colecovision, and uses just dry toilet paper. Dry toilet paper. Not even wipes. Not even wipes, dude. It was good enough for Caveman, it was good enough for us.

Carnivore, keto. That's called shitting keto. It's good to see you, buddy. Buddy. Yeah? It's good to see you too, man. It's very good to see you. It's always good to see you.

You make me happy, bro. You're a nice guy. And when I say that, I've already seen you for multiple hours, because we did the early show. I didn't see you at all. I like to forget that. I forget, as soon as that show's over, I forget that anything about you.

And then I see you again, and it's like, joy. I was trying to forget it. I was trying to forget it, but. What happened? I don't know. You don't think our relationship's different now? I mean, it's different for you, it's better for me. Oh god don't say that. I feel, can I be honest? Sure. The fact that you did it, the fact that you

did it and you did it. I didn't do anything. Stop you did it and you did it willingly. No I put something out in the world and something was placed in it. Right. I put my hand out for something and you placed something in it. The fact that you allegedly did it, let's put it that way. You were, there was no hesitation. There was no ooh, there was no yuck. There was just honest, like yeah, dude, of course. Threw this song up, Lou.

No, and then I walked over and I was like, I was ready for you to reject me. Like I was ready for you to go get out of here kid and be rejected again in my life which I've been many a times. I thought you were gonna be a straight white male and not put your bean bag in my fucking hand. Yeah.

And then when you, and might I say gently and professionally. Oh God. Professionally. Oh God. Well thatally. Oh god. Well that was it. Now we're not going to have any tech help. Well what are you going to do? You happy? Let's send him high tailing out of here.

I mean it was so professional and gentle. I don't know if it's from all the stuff you watched over the years. You knew how high to put your hand. You know that guy's going to go quick. It's okay. He's going to HR. And then, and you held him and you honestly gave me an answer, which made me so happy. I'm not gonna say I held them. You held them.

I held it. I don't know what you mean by that. Please don't hurt my feelings. It was, I'm not. Don't call it a hit. No, them would imply that I was holding two things in my hand my balls pronouns with them Them that your balls have become It's one big piece. Yeah, because it's hot. There's two balls in there for sure, but it was one big

Fucking dark dark tan don't don't do, dark tan. Don't do it. Purpley. Don't do it. Don't say purple. Like bald. Did you see them? Yeah. You looked at them.

Yeah. Is it purple? Something's in your hand, you take a peek at it. I'll be honest with you, I haven't seen them in a long time, so I don't know if they did go purple. They're, god, they were thick. Was it they, or was it one nut? Did it seem like one nut?

It was. It, alright. It was a. I mean, you're mispronouning my nuts, but that like one? Yeah, it was it. All right It was a miss pronouncing my nuts, but that's okay. No, it wasn't it for sure, but I'm telling you it would uh It was softball. It wasn't baseball. It was like I would have had the underhand pitcher I want to do something right now when I was 10 I went to a punk rock concert and they put me into the pit and then a bunch of guys kicked me in the nuts and they put me into the pit, and then a bunch of guys kicked me in the nuts until it became one nut.

So I had to go and have surgery done, and they made both nuts, they had to make one nut out of both nuts. So... That was your first foray into hardcore music? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. So that's why you felt one nut, just to be honest with you. No, there's two nuts swimming around in that fucking circle.

It's just like that goldfish bowl. It's one nut. I'll be honest with you, there could be 17 nuts in that thing. That's the point I'm making. It was already distended. It was like Peter Griffin's belly. It's like Burke Chrysler's stomach. It's like those bellies that I envy, because they're not the sloppy's, they're the hard's.

I'm gonna be honest with you, I didn't put my nuts in your hand, I put my dick stomach in your hand. That's not true. Yeah. That's not true. It was my dick stomach, it was above my cock fat. No it wasn't.

That I put in your hand. No it wasn't. Yeah, I didn't put my real balls in your hand, it was just my bush fat. Swear to God. I swear, no I can't. I can't swear to God because I believe in God, I don't like you.

And you're lying. I'm not lying, I'm lying about I can't swear to God because I believe in God. I don't like you. And you're lying. I'm not lying. I'm lying about that. You held my balls, yes. You held my actual nuts. You held my big purple that's. It. It.

Your big purple it. My... Yeah, dude, it was so gentle and professional and, I don't know, dare I say charismatic the way I did it not hairy at all down there yeah no hairy never had hairy nuts very proud of that that is something to be proud of yeah I got nice nuts I don't have hairy nuts but I'm attentive to them and let me just a little context the reason why is that you said because I'm on the tee junk have the junks get my gloop and glee pins up You thought my nuts were little tiny nuts I had tiny nuts and I told you I had man nuts

Yeah, and I do have man when we found out Jacobs got little tiny pigeon. We found out that he has small little bird nuts Yes, your little fucking We found out Jacob's got little tiny pigeon nuts. We found out that he has small little bird nuts. Yeah. Your little fucking... Yeah. Your little... Your little pigeon balls. Yeah. Like this.

He has dinosaur nuts. Just those little baby ones like this. And a little sack that comes down. Yeah. It's just a hard vein. No, I bet Jacob's got long nuts, and I bet they pull in a way that there's like he gets like this like a Yeah, it's like the thing in here a turkey neck this he gets this he gets like a trachea Like a trachea down his ball back in the middle of his bag because there's so many lines pulling down

It's probably bright red to his little nut vein is red. That's very possible Yeah, probably deep red. It gets darker in the winter, like a purplish when it gets cold. I think there's only one way to solve this. Jacob, put your nuts in Bobby's hands, please. Please, Jacob. If you wouldn't mind placing your nuts in Bobby's hands.

Jacob, do it for the show. I'm not gonna do that. Why? Are you worried one of your several sponsors on your shirt are gonna fire you? You put your nuts in Bobby's hands, you chickened out after that. What's wrong? Are you worried that fucking Arctic plaque fucking...

You're worried that Meyers shank racers are gonna dump you? Yeah. Because you manned up and put your sack, your little tiny bird nuts? Did you get a call from the brass over at autonational.com? Did Cliffs tell you, hey, you better have big nuts or we're dumping you? Jacob, I thought you were a big nuts I went dumping you? Jacob, I thought you were a team player. I didn't know that you wouldn't put your nuts in Bobby's hands.

I did it right away. What do you have to, how little do you have to do with this company to stay here? How little, how little do you have to give, not fucking holding nuts when asked, or putting your nuts in someone else's? I wasn't even asking you to do anything gay. I was asking you to just put your nuts out there.

It's actually manly. And then Bobby would be the one taking care of the stuff. He actually asked you to do something that Vikings used to do all the time. I did. Yeah, Vikings, yeah, look it up. Vikings used to, you'd have to take your nuts like every six months if you're going into battle,

you gotta walk up and put your nuts in another man's hand to see if you had the nuts to go into battle. Praise Odin. Yeah. Praise Odin. If you didn't have the nuts, you weren't going, dude. If your T was down, and your nuts were tight to your body, you stayed home and you'd pick berries.

Come to the land of the ice and snow. Put your nuts in Bobby's face. The hammer of the gods. Valhalla, I am coming. You guys want to come over and listen to Zeppelin and do gay shit? Yeah. Just call it Viking stuff? Yeah, let's do some Viking stuff in your pool. You know, we'll fucking do naked chicken.

You know, this dude, naked chicken. Yeah, no, this would be a full blown gay orgy, but Zeppelin's playing, dude. Fucking Jacob's Gollum over there, fucking naked, prancing like this, like a goblin on the thing. Gollum, with his evil wow! You keep looking, he's in a different spot,

he's on top of your TV, then he's on the fire pit. Jacob on a shelf. Then he's riding Dawkins. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun Oh. Oh! Are you playing your asshole right now? No, I'm doing it between my legs. It looked like you were playing your asshole.

No, I'm doing it like that. You were tickling your dick. Dude, it looked like you were using your asshole as an air guitar. What the fuck is that? That is my bean seed. Dude, it looks like you're playing your asshole. That's a whole new air guitar like that I gotta get really high up there for the note

Bring it on home. Oh No, it's music out Official video yet, but there is official song characters wait before we get into this yes before I forget Yeah, it's my pothead mind. I'll go with thousand places. What's going on gay in the lobby? That is do you know what's going on the lobby that has some sort of pride its pride month some no But today there's a very gay thing happening for sure they're getting ready with something in a bunch of rainbow stuff But the beauty of it is just... Actually, it happened in between this show and last show when they heard you put my nuts in your hand.

They put that out there for you so you'd be comfortable. Every time you remind me, I'm so happy that the hand on my face isn't my right hand. You already get caught thinking with my finger in my mouth. Can I ask a question? Did you eat lunch without washing your hand? Yeah. No. Yes Yes you did.

What are you talking about? You used a whole half bottle of pure oil. It doesn't work. What? Don't say that. It doesn't work. Why did it burn my hangnails? It's not.

It kills the germs of nutsack but it doesn't take nutsack off your hand. Nothing's gonna erase the memory. That's really what we need. Yeah. Yeah, you lick your fingers. I'm gonna need soap water and one of those men in black things.

Changes my history. It is fucking hilarious. What are you talking about, Bobby? That never happens. I think you have not washed your hands yet. I'm gonna need soap water and one of those men in black things What are you talking about? Sauces and then I play my own asshole the same hand. Well, I wash my hands twice Whatever gay things happening out there black look you find out what the gay thing is happening Yeah, and then what I want to say with hilarious also take in when you happening out there. Black Luke, you go find out what the gay thing is happening? And then what I want to say with Telerius, also take in when you go out there, Lou, come back and report the old, I guess it was one of Ivan Drago's old trainers

who watches the front here from like 5 p.m. on. He always just has to sit out there with whatever they're throwing at him. So it's always funny, in any picture you take out there It's like oh shit. Is that new edition dancing in the fucking? Fish tank with a bunch of people watching and then just at the desk you just see the guy like Russian guy just staring forward I'm making friends of them when he kills everybody in this place. I'll be on top of the list to get out of here, okay? But watching him out there now surrounded

while they're just hanging gay rainbows all around him, he's just sitting there, it's one of the funniest things. It is funny, you gotta take a picture of him. Please, Black Lou. You gotta take a picture. Go enjoy. He is miserable. He's miserable, you just see him, he's decorating around

and just like, just gay people putting streamers all around him and rainbows. I hope they start decorating him, putting little stickers all over him. Come on, come on Rainy Face. I do not put the gay flag on my chest. I do not believe in your traditions. Lost my whole family in Chernobyl for this. These guys put balls in hands, not for me. So while Black Lou is figuring that out Corey film and has released the new music before we get to that. Yeah you Yeah, you did Columns wedding I did you did a wedding I officiated

First time ever because I've done a couple of them really yeah, and they're very and they're very Well, no, that wasn't sarcastic I mean genuinely I was Nervous I was nervous. I was terrified, because you can fuck up somebody's- Big day. Big day. How many people didn't understand that was very strange to me. People didn't like, especially people who knew

I was a comic, they'd be like, what do you mean you're nervous? You do this, talking in front of people. I'm like, no, what? Like, couldn't I don't run the risk of ruining someone's biggest day of their life When you talk in front of people you like does she suck your asshole? Yeah, I mean you can't you can't be like nice tits Do you stick a finger in her butt? Okay, cool. Yeah, you guys ready to take you vows I did a lot of I did a lot of editing on what I was gonna say. And I gotta say, in hindsight,

I don't regret it all taking out the N-word. I don't regret it even a little bit. Really? Yeah, I was gonna drop it three times in there, and then I also had a plan like, oh, you guys can't handle it. I was gonna, like, I'm too edgy for the room thing, but I went against it and just said some nice stuff.

Yeah, not from Colum's side, by the way. Colum's side would have been like, yeah, good for you. Yeah, no shit. Dude, his dad was great. When his dad came down, when they kind of announced the parents, like, at the reception part, and, like, his dad came in,

that's exactly what you were thinking. Just a drunk old Irishman, like, fucking pump dancing, getting ready to, like, hump his wife. Shadowboxing. Yeah, I used to fucking crack him in the head I did how you live here just a little background columns a comic friend of yours and where was the war column yeah yeah I know column is a stand-up comedian from Ireland Jacob has his tie on right now oh shit I couldn't see under his cliffs

whatever the fuck that is a It's a racing jacket. Oh. But whose? It was given to me. By who? Your boyfriend? Um... It was a gift from, uh, Josh Witts. Who's Josh Witts?

Oh! Yeah, friend of the show. Yeah, he is a friend of the show. He never got me his jacket with a bunch of sponsors on it. Maybe he didn't think you'd wear one. Wow, wow. It's heated. What? I just feel like.

It's a heated one? Yeah, it's heated. No. You push a button and it heats up. That's not real, is that true? Yes. That's so much better than a blanket. Yeah, it's way better than a blanket.

Let's not forget, Jacob's so cold. Lou? Jacob, how are you not warming this up, when he's talking about a fucking heated jacket he wears to work? No, no, I have it here. This isn't it? It's in my office.

You have a different jacket. Oh, that's not a heated jacket you're wearing? No, no, no, this is a heated jacket I keep in my office to bring to the studio. Maybe if you had bigger balls, you wouldn't need more fucking heat. Yeah, that's true. If you didn't have fucking baby otter nuts.

Yeah. If you didn't have nuts like a praying mantis, maybe you wouldn't need a heated jacket. If you didn't have honeybee testicles, perhaps. Yeah. Yeah, there it is. That guy is not thrilled. Vlad is the security guy in the front that literally checks nobody.

All you have to do is walk up to the door, knock on it and go, let me in. He goes, boop. He just lets you in. Hello. He doesn't know. I say have a great weekend every day of the week when I leave, because how uncomfortable I am with him.

I go, have a great weekend. And then I walk out and he goes, have a great weekend. He's never questioned it, I don't question it. He's out there sad with all the gay flags around him. He's just surrounded by gay flags. What's happening out there? Yesterday was Bruce Springsteen listening party. You see those dregs that came out?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking tucked in t-shirts on a Monday. Just a bunch of fucking middle-aged hungry people. Cool people don't eat the snacks. For a new Bruce Springsteen listening party. They had to have food because they all have diabetes.

For listening to a listening party, you have to sit there and eat hors d'oeuvres and look at other people and do this all day. Okay. That's good. And then he goes, what are you talking about? The fucking pigs in a blanket or the new? Because there's no focus, you're not staring at anything.

You're just listening to music anywhere. Wait a minute, so they just put your... They came in and just listened to his new stuff? I guess. I left like... My friends are old. Maybe they're right. And they had nothing to do.

His nuts were little too. His balls were too small. He's always cold cause his nuts are small. In Birdball Town. I think you're right, they do all do that. Birdball Town. Yeah, if they listen to this they go, this is good. This sounds like classic Bruce.

Oh, all things I gotta say all day today. He goes, dude, am I crazy or is this like, did he just go into a time machine 25 years ago? I was singing that stupid song yesterday the way you were doing it. Pronoun Town. Pronoun. Pronoun.

Pronoun Town. He is him, they are them, and everybody's it. Pro downtown, pro downtown. Very catchy. Pro downtown. What were you saying, Christine? What's a listening party? I think it's like lost albums, like just unreleased stuff.

Even worse. Oh, God, it's not even his new best ideas it's his old worst ideas the shit that didn't make it that's like going to a kiss thing and having to listen to this song I want to rock and roll all day and party every night you're staying it wrong this is like b-sides unreleased then. Isn't that C-sides? Like demos and stuff. That's what the sign said out there. You know what we should do for that guy?

We should just go buy him a bunch of food and just put it on there. Just go buy him something, just send desserts to him right now. Oh, here's what we have to do. Let's have Black Lou document every day that we have like a delivery of like chocolates and flowers for him, specifically his name every day from a secret admirer at work.

That sucks. Mom, I think I'm gonna meet her tonight. Oh, nice. What is it? Don't worry about it. Well, I got one too, so. What is it? It's gonna be the sticker that I tan line

into my above-dick area. I'm gonna put it right there when I tan, like a Playboy buddy. I'm gonna put a tan line into my above-dick area. I'm gonna put it right there when I tan, like a Playboy buddy. I'm gonna put this on your palm so the next time you put my balls in it, it'll feel nice and safe. Oh my God, dude. I gotta tell you, I held it enough, your balls,

that if my hand was made of hyper color, it would've changed colors. Well, so we got the, what's the, what's the, yeah, what's the purple for on the gay pride flag, Christine? Under the rainbow. You don't know? You don't know the stripes? I thought you knew, you're not like,

Do stripes mean something? You're not an ally. No, the stripes are gay, rainbow's gay, and then the rest of it's like trans. The flag, you're not an ally, you're a fake ally. I'm not an ally. I am a D What an LGBT? You're a bear

Is that Rebecca calls you Is it gonna pick up out there? What's happening, Lou? I have no idea. No one would talk to me. They won't talk to you? No. I tried to ask two or three people. It's probably your big thick balls.

Jacob, get out there. You were going to say Jacob. Jacob, go out there with your little. Yeah. I asked Boris already. He has no idea. Of course he doesn't. Boris, they told him eight times.

He won't listen. No. I just took two stickers. He does Boris Boris. They told him eight times. He won't listen no He's done what he goes Boris. It's a gay off. It's called a gay off where everyone has gay sex in the lobby He's like I'm not listening. I don't know what is Jacob when you go out there take two of your jackets off Jacob do me a favor though if it fills up with gay people at some point can black Lou follow behind you Just playing like an iPhone of music and you go out there and fucking dance your way through everybody Let's see if anybody will dance with you. Yeah, can you dance like Al Pacino? Cruising and cruising the greatest scene of our hard dancing just go out there and just any been black Lou can play like do you wanna fuck you just go through?

Yeah, just do a nice cruising dance Black Luke can play like, do you wanna funk? And you just go through. Just fucking pump your fist. What if it's a cruising party, Bobby? Yeah, just do a nice cruising dance. And then take one night out of your zipper. Just have it hanging out. See if you can go to another one. Oh yeah, go out there working on some hot stuff. Working on some hot stuff, Jacob, this evening. Jay, I think you were out that day.

Have you ever seen the cruising dance scene? Al Pacino? No. Oh, you never saw that? Do you know the plot of the cruising? Buddy. It's gay. Al Pacino has to.

Al Pacino, I don't know where he drew this character from or made this choice, but apparently, gay dancing back in the 70s was aggressive and angry. It's so Fucking great. That's why God made AIDS. I think all right, okay ready Look at all these guys back all the gays back in the 70s were just angry and they're all getting banged Look in the background. They're all getting he's arm wrestling him to the dance floor. But here we go ready watch this What year is this? why is every day 1980 every gay guy looks like Eric Bogosian wait you got to put a bandana in my mouth and then when you're malton then we we fight it out

now watch Al watch how more and more into it Jay yeah he revs that he's undercover cop though he has to infiltrate the gay community to find a killer here we go here we go Jay here we go, Jay. Here we go, Jay. He's huffing. What's he huffing? Huffing drugs. Here we go. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

That's how Josh dances. Yeah, that is how Josh dances. Yeah, Josh just stole all his moves from Al Pacino and Cruising. I want to look like that guy. I want to get a jumpsuit and huff. Josh just shaved his beard. I wanna look like that guy. I'm gonna get a jumpsuit and huff. Josh just shaved his beard.

He might be Al Pacino and cruising. Oh, there it is, the comedy jam, guys. All kissing each other in the corner. So many accidental gay headbutts in this dance floor. Oh, man, they're so sweaty and hot. Oh He's putting something in there. Oh for sure and it's not coming back. That's back in the day when you could do this weird stuff at a club Seriously Christine where where For pride listen to me. That's where you know you're not you're a fake

You're a fake gay person. I am fake gay. You're fake gay Christine. Just write it down. Tell that to please tell my dad I'm not bisexual So my whole family Christine's not bisexual Christian, she's not even unisexual She's even flick the beat I'm a homosexual. Jesus Christ. She doesn't even flick the beat. She's not even auto sexual. I like queers. Yep. We know.

Jake, so you're going to find out what it is out there? Yeah, go find out. Take that alpha jacket off, though. No, no, no. It's fine. We obviously can't play the new Cory, will we? Oh, no. Don't.

I haven't heard it lawyer I wouldn't hurt it I wouldn't dream just find out what it is because I want to find out what's the right time to send you out there Twirl and yeah me with everything you have Hey, do you um? So you did the wedding and you and it it went off without a hitch get it nice How was it? I was nervous shit. Yeah, did you wear a suit? Yeah Tie no tie no, no tie. No tie.

No tie, no tuck? Tuck. You tuck. Custom suit, the game. Oh, you got it. One of them, yeah. How was it? It's hard to tell.

I didn't see myself in it at all. I swear to God, that's true. Didn't look at myself once. But. How'd you feel? Felt okay, it was hot. But two. Could you button two, I was nervous. Yeah, everything was buttoned fine. Well, I don't say that to insult you

because I'm a chubby too. And sometimes you get the suits and when you put that button on the front, it's like, fuck, you can feel it. I ain't feeling it. Well, I think the button's supposed to, you don't wanna wear that button when you sit. When you sit, it's not gonna be buttoned.

No, because you're a gentleman. Gentlemen don't sit with a button. Right. So So I wasn't worried about that. No, it's just a shirt. The only shirt he sent me of the four shirts I got was pink. Nice. Which is dope. Yeah. But little flashy to be doing the person giving the vows of the thing. Yeah. I thought better of that, thank God. And then I think eventually they were also like, yeah we'd rather you did. They were kind of like, no, you know, if that's the shirt you got, I was like, no, no, no. I was saying I didn't want to do that.

And then when they wrote back at one point, it was kind of like, yeah, you know what, actually, if you could not do pink, I'm like, yeah, don't worry. Yeah, if you could not look like... Danny Zuko going to prom. That's what I'm picturing in my head. Not prom, was that prom?

Was it prom or just a dance? Dance. That's a dance. Just a dance. prom or just a dance? Yeah, a dance. Just a dance. End of the year dance. No, it wasn't end of the year. Wasn't it? Didn't they have a carnival? There was still plenty going on.

Yeah. No. Still plenty of year left. Oh, I'm sorry. You know what, I apologize. We know you're an expert. That's when Rizzo showed up with crater face. Yeah, Rizzo wasn't even knocked up yet.

It was like homecoming or something. But that is what I'm gonna look like exactly and mostly in that pose most of the time I'm wearing it Yeah, I said, uh, he goes what's the first that you want and I go I'm just gonna say a couple words to you born to hand jive, baby And he said say no more and then he sent it But did you get the pink socks? Not yet

Not yet. Thanks, sir. Ha, ha, ha. Am I doing a good, Lou? Would you fuck me in a drive-through? A drive-in? Everybody would fuck me in a drive-through. Remember when we were going to do a whole dance-off, Bonfire Live, and then Jim McClure was like, yeah, no.

He really, yeah. It's a radio show, you idiots. We're going to have a flat-out prom. We're going to have a prom. He's like, what? He's like, yeah, dude, no. Still can't understand what he didn't see was a great idea about that. Nobody's going't understand what

he didn't see was a great idea about that we're gonna explain it no you guys aren't good at explaining explaining things we see yeah and therefore not good broadcasters yeah well I guess for the year and a half at least what do you say this isn't good radio Everybody listen Jay's slapping his fist together describe the shit of this Jay's fist to fist Overhand overhand thumb thumb thumb right love thumb left thumb back. He's hand-jiving baby, and he's on his knees knees. Glad he's clapping. Oh that's why I was doing this. His fingers are up, right side. Explain to him Bobby. Left finger is pointed at me. Right hand, now the hand is flapping, waving. He's waving goodbye. He's waving goodbye. He ice cream cone. Now he's... Now he's just putting his head looking at me. This is fucking killer radio. Hey Jacob, don't worry, while you were gone we vamped by me dancing and Bobby describing it.

Yeah, we did the dance we were supposed to have. Everything's fine. Now Jacob, please get back in your hospice bed. Sorry we set you out for that. Jacob, were you behind us? When we were going to have our prom, were you one of the Kai Boshers? You nixed it behind the scenes, right? You didn't want to do it. You nixed it, right?

What? The dance. We were going to do a prom, and you were behind us not doing it, right? What did you say? What prom? Nixedade. Nixedade. Buddy, real quick. I just want to let real quick, I just wanna let you know, I wanna let you know, Jay, before you come down on me,

I have, wait a minute, I see your micro-corrected face. I asked you a question. I didn't hear, I didn't hear the word word. I have dyslexia, I was diagnosed with dyslexia through my son, who got diagnosed, and it's DNA, and I have a problem with words. Christine, she has cat AIDS from her cat. Yeah, what?

Her cat had it and they had sex. So do the math. You're a cat fucker? She's just gabbing. Christine, you're supposed to say lying. She's just telling secrets, long-time family secrets. You fucked a cat? Oh, Mittens.

I never fucked a cat, Poppy. Oh, Mittens. Rest in peace, Mittens. You know I didn't fuck a fucking cat. I'm not saying you fucked it, but did you lie with a cat? No, what? We got a cuddle with a cat. No, did you lie with a cat?

She had an emotional relationship with a cat. You had an emotional relationship with the cat? Did she try to 69 at one point? You 69ed the cat? I don't think it worked, because the cat's neck wasn't long enough. I was busy having sex with grown men. Whoa. Christina had two choices.

She could eat the cat's pussy from underneath, or the cat could eat her pussy, and Christina would have to stare at the cat's asshole. But you can't actually 69 a cat. No, you can't, and the tongue on your asshole hurts. What, what? Cat tongue is very abrasive. On your asshole?

On your asshole, yes. Cause? It's, they have the, it's almost like shark's teeth. No, stop explaining the sharpness of the cat's tongue and more how do you know it hurts your asshole? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know, yeah, there you go uh I don't know I've heard I've heard just around town just around cruising around crew when I was dance crew oh speaking of cruising Jacob it's coming full circle what's the gay event and tell me you got an invite it's it's they're setting up for tomorrow it's the page six pride

brunch they're giving mimosas what are they having for food hot They're giving mimosas. What are they having for food, hot dogs? They're having mimosas in the lobby. Tomorrow? Yes, tomorrow morning. That's actually the word trans people use when they practice sounding like a girl. I have mimosas on Malibu Beach. Yeah, it's the hottest mimosas.

I have mimosas on Malibu Beach and bidet. They never lean into the deep. They end up having like the ah, because they try to go like up. Was that movie with? That's why I thought Christine was a guy for the first two years we dated. She's not?

No. Oh. Turns out. Turns out, dude. You were the uncircumcised little Mexican cock from California? Wow, you'd love Christine if she fucking swapped the wire out of her. Oh my God, I would fucking. You were the uncircumcised little Mexican cock from California? Wow, you'd love Christine if she fucking flopped a wire out of her. Oh my god, I would fuck her.

From between her butt cheeks, a big old fat dick just flopped it. Dude, I'd do this show for free. And she doesn't, but I tell you what, if she did, Christine would have monster nuts. You guys would get along great. Oh, she'd have huge Albanian sack. You guys can put your ball bags in front of you and run into each other like that, fucking like those big hamster balls.

Just bone, banging into each other. We could just watch TV together, ball the ball. All day long. Balls all day, all night, all day. All day. Suck balls all day. So you, real quick, before you get into the thing. But it did good, you did good? Did any problems and you fuck up anything no, thank God get laughs

We want to get laughs Yes, I my concern would have been that I rushed it, but no one said it felt this I have to say a couple things first of all he looked fantastic. He's never looked better in a suit I mean you looked amazing like he's the wrong shirt The shirt was hidden anyway, and the shirt does it is his size. It's just not custom So he looked amazing and it was so sweet He did such a sweet job at the wedding and kind of carrying everybody through and he wasn't he didn't like make fun of it All buddy. I don't know what they say about you. You're a good guy. What do they say? Huh?

No, no, what? No, no, you're a good guy. I'm just saying? Huh? No, no. What? What are they saying to me? No, no. You're a good guy. I'm just saying you're a good guy. What they say doesn't matter. I'm saying you're a good guy. No, dude.

I was terrified. Yeah. Terrified. I wasn't even terrified. Did they joke with this guy that wanted to date Jess the bride? It was really cute. When I did Joe Liss, I was terrified because it was like, you know, Louis was in the, you know, there was all these comics. Not only was was in the you know there was all

these comics. Not only was Lewis in the audience he walked in right when I was starting and made sort of a scene of himself. No way. Not a scene. He didn't make a scene. I just saw him because I'm looking that direction. Body Brain Coffee! Yeah it was sponsored by Body Brain Coffee. The whole wedding? Yeah he had one of those blimps that goes around drop samples. I sat in the back so I could sit next to Lewis when he walked in then he just Walked right past me But uh, there wasn't a ton of comics there He has like four that's it Yeah, but almost like in a weird way made it scarier because again, it's like the stakes are so like that means four people

know me in there. I just met Columns, or just not really met her, I met her a couple times, but only spent a couple hours with her a few weeks ago for the first time. She was great. You had sex with her? I had sex with her because I really wanted to be, I wanted to speak from the heart.

Right, yeah, of course. I had sex with Sarah. Yeah, you had no choice, dude. I had sex with Joe, heart. Right, yeah. Of course, I had sex with Sarah. Yeah, you had no choice, dude. I had sex with Joe, too. Yes, exactly. You have to find out everything about everybody. And I know that you are taking this marriage, relationship is gonna be tight.

Wait. One thing I'm sure of is marriage, it is tight. Tight. Tight. Ah. So, yeah, it was funny when I first got there, people were doing like the, said the two schools of thought that were coming at me were so funny because it was people being like, dude, shut up, you're nervous. Like, you know, you do this, you talk in front of people for a

living, like no stakes like this ever. And for one, and then the other people that were doing things like the DJ and the people who were involved like that, they were don't know who I am at all. And they're coming up and going like, all right man, he goes, you're gonna do fine. I know this is like a big fear for people, but you still, you wanna be able to project your voice.

And like always with a microphone, you wanna keep a microphone like, just go on these things. And I'm like, thank you, man. You took it? Yeah, I just took every bit of it, Yeah, I get as a yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, yeah Yeah, okay. It's hard to tell you know that we look at size of the room You know, you want to fill the room with your voice you want to make sure people I just open for shame I'm in the fucking sphere bitch back off

Slapping with a microphone. Wedding DJs, though, is a personality. It is interesting that Josh Edemiers calls himself, he calls himself a bar mitzvah DJ a lot. But a wedding DJ is a personality of a guy that I will never be friends with. A wedding DJ, I'm sorry, Lou. That's why you're an assistant, buddy.

But you know what I'm talking about, their energy of those guys. It is awful. I'm sorry, Lou. That's why you're an assistant, buddy. But you know what I'm talking about. Their energy of those guys. It is awful. Yeah, their hand jobs. Their hand. Is that I told Colin. I love I love DJ Lou's simple jersey. Their hand jobs. They are such a beautiful way to put it. The DJ does this thing all. I was telling I warned Colin when he was told me the name of their DJ,

which was pretty funny. What's your go to? I forget. DJ what? Mo, something Mo. DJ Mo? That's a DJ tomorrow, tomorrow in the lobby. DJ Mo. DJ Mo?

Hey! He's actually from Syria, so tomorrow he's coming home, Mo. I warned Colin about their thing of the DJ because they play up and again they're playing for your average run-of-the-mill nine to five job or something someone's just not in the entertainment of cynicism you know I mean like cynical entertainment as we are sure so they watching them tell people, like the cringiest thing in the world is telling anybody to do what they want you to do on the, what's the, take it off the garter routine and the thing.

Because I remember him telling me, and by the way, it was funny, Colum said that he didn't really give him this speech, but Colum sort of just did it anyway, which made me think, Colum's a bit of a ham, which was adorable. He'll be a wedding ham.umn's a bit of a ham, which was adorable. He'll be a wedding ham. He was a good ham. Yeah, he was.

He was a good sport. A lot of the things that I would have a hard time doing, like when he would come down dancing, he was doing like the, I'm the big guy, you know, doing his little goofy dance. Oh, really? And that's what I didn't like about my wedding DJ guy,

when he was describing that, he was like, she's gonna sit in the chair, and present her leg to you. And then you're gonna put on maybe sunglasses, the guys will flip up their collar sometimes and walk around and let her know, I'm the man, yeah, I'm the man, I'm the man. You take your little moment to be the man.

And then you get down and maybe you play a thing where it's like she's not letting you go for the garter and then you go, and I was like, dude, I'm gonna yank it off her leg while she's standing, which is what I did, and chuck it behind me. I can't sink into this thing you want me to do. That's what I did. Carla stood up and I went, where's the other leg?

I went here, just chucked it back, yeah. You did the horror though, right? Yeah, that's Jewish, that's different. Oh you did it where you were in the chair? Yeah. And they picked you up? Magically, thank God Dante was there. I was gonna say, dude.

I invited Dante, fuck man. It was hard picking up that weird shaped Jew. Nevermind, fuck you. Nobody's worked that hard to hold somebody in the air sing Xerxes. Picking up fur back then, Jay Jay would have sucked mother fuck that was sucked I saw how I looked in that tuxedo to it. I'm a and I was up there They had me up a Dante. I think still injured from it. Yeah. Well, he's actually he lost three inches from your wedding

condensed his spine You made his dick bigger though, which is weird it's shot out I can't believe gay day's gonna be over by the time we get here tomorrow. God damn. That sucks. Can you be our representative early, Jacob? Not that early, no.

Come on, dude. Come on, brother. You can't just put on your fucking short shorts and do the worm through just for the footage? Buddy, get a leather cop hat and do a nice, nice angry dance in the lobby. Buddy, we were having, Rebecca, were you there, were you at the skanks last night for this?

It was so funny. I never thought to all the people that chapelle's like Just the odd ducks that he's friends with through his life We just kept telling Jake our intern to go downstairs and slap or do something violent to just pick a name of a hilarious blacks like friend celebrity of episode like Jake Right now you're not gonna go downstairs and slap Fife Dog and Q-Tip in the face. You're not gonna go kick brand newbie in the nuts right now.

It's just the weirdest group of people walking past us. And then eventually, Chappelle's security guy came up to Jake and it's happening right outside the door of the room we're in. And he kinda had like a, what's going on man, why you keep trying to act like you're coming downstairs and Jake just points it over to us he's like oh these are there we go Jake kick this guy's fucking shit don't take the fucking shit from Chappelle's fucking cronies dude beat his

ass and then the guy just literally like just like stared at like Jake and us and like slowly backed off and like closed the door like I hope we get Jake beat I go Jake if you get beat up for this show dude you're a member forever for sure and then we shared it like Jake and us and slowly backed off and closed the door. We're like, I hope we get Jake beat. I go, Jake, if you get beat up for this show, dude, you're a member forever, for sure. But it was by the time Jake looked over at us, he goes, oh no, these guys were just saying it. We go, fuck his shit up, Jake!

That was his bullshit! Peer oppression, motherfuckers. We tell him to fight this guy. The guy was a monster, towering over Jake. We go, Jake, don't take those shit points. We had no idea who this guy is. He's just a palace security. Go punch him in the face. I can guarantee he doesn't have a sense of humor.

Oh no, for sure. They asked, Joe Harari went downstairs, they asked him if he wanted to jump on Big J's podcast upstairs. And he said he turned his head like a dog. He didn't understand what any of the words were. What, podcast? Yeah, podcast, Big J.

What's a podcast? Big J, upstairs, small room. Podcast? He doesn't say any of the words were that were said. What, podcast? Yeah, podcast, Big J. What's a podcast? Big J, upstairs, small room. Podcast? He doesn't say any of those words. You mean a radio show? Oh, man, what you talking about? What was it? Little Kev's security almost fucked me up at the jungle ground.

The airport. No, at the airport there was just his crew. When you kicked his bags over. Yeah, when he walked up. And he was like, yeah, Bobby, look at you. There's two times he saw me when he was like, yeah Bobby, look at you. There's two times he saw me when I was on Opie and Anthony and he walked in and goes,

God damn, this is one of my fattest. He goes, Bobby, what the fuck happened? You look like shit. Shit. And everybody laughed and he goes, here's a thousand dollars man, go take care of something. And I took the money and I left. Of course.

I took the money and I went home. Bought food. I thought you just bought terrible food with it. And then when I saw him at the airport, I was so, dude, shit weekend, didn't sell well, sad, just trying to get home. I mean, I'm in zone three. I'm sitting there waiting, and he pulls up. Oh, God, I just rubbed your balls in my armpits, so.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay. Ah! Ah, you all right? I'm okay. What happens if your sight gets better?

Ah! Ah! And your eye turns this beautiful ocean blue, you're like Marilyn Manson. So yeah, I was sitting there, last person in the world I wanted to see, walks up, seven, eight deep, he's got Louis Vuitton backpack,

Louis Vuitton beautiful black. Stack of luggage, right? Stack of luggage rolls up to me, and I'm just, I'm literally, I think I had stains on my shirt from a sandwich I just ate. Oh. Oh, God. You spilled a airplane sandwich?

But I think I was- Airport sandwiches have been so cold, nothing breaks off of them. I was swollen from just fucking sodium all weekend. Just sad as shit. Red, bright red. He rolled up, he goes, Bobby, what the fuck, man? And I just kicked his luggage across the floor. And I looked at one of his guys, I go,

go pick that up. And he had to. Let him get me to pick it up. But he had to tell them that you were like his, he's like, no, no, no, I know him, I know him, I know him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't touch him. I was at the Village,

I was at the Village Underground, and he just rolled in with like five, like you know, Navy Seal black dudes, security. He hasn't told those guys to heel, like fucking, like Doberins. Well they came up and I was in the, I just, I walked up, you know, small talk Bob, what's up fellas, yo man, you gotta relax,

it's a comedy club, you guys gotta smile more. And he just looked at me and went, no. And I was like, all right dude, I'm gonna just take off. I'm just gonna. I should be like, Kev, which one of these guys you want me to drop first? Dealer's choice. He just went, no.

I was like, all right dude, I'm gonna just, I'm gonna go do a spot, I got another spot. I'm a nobody. I'm gonna tell some dip jokes. Rolling into a comedy club of security feels pretty queefy. It's a queef move. You don't need to. I mean, if you have to, you have to.

I don't know what to, yeah, but also again, like that's not publicized, things going, Kev might have like a right now, current, violent, every city he's in stalker. That's true. You know what I'm saying? That is true, you might have that. Like I get that we don't know about

because they don't publicize it so they give people what they want. So I get it, like there's a reason, but I just say it feels like shit. Just like, there's nothing funny about the situation. Even if you have to go, all right, I'm gonna go bust balls with these guys. You guys stand here by the door

and look at everybody who walks in. Yeah, you gotta throw them a fucking Scooby Snack so they stay. Yeah. Stay. I'm gonna go make jokes. They're gonna say mean things about me. Security snacks in his pocket.

Everybody at that table is gonna laugh at me. I don't want you to attack them. Yes, these people over here are my friends. Don't kill them. Yeah, Kev's been very mean to me, but in a very funny way. I was at the cellar one night, and he walked in, and I was saying shit to him,

and he walked up, and he whispered to me, he goes, Nobody knows who you are. And he went downstairs and did a set. And he was like... And then somebody went, Kevin Hart, and people passed out with excitement. Dude, I was on the Pussycat one night doing my show, and I think it was Chappelle went over to the bar

to do a spot, and you could hear, like I had, I don't know how many, maybe 20 people at my show, and then you heard the place erupt next door, and I went, somebody came in and goes, Chappelle's next door, and my whole audience just turned and looked at the door to the other club, and I went, you made the wrong choice, you fucked up.

You could've just went to that show right there, right now you're gonna sit here and sit through final fat jokes It's interesting yeah weird weird it's funny when I said the people that you know from before fame When they get fame on them and you can't even if you know them on a level far beyond that you can't not see that like Like Schumer for instance because, because you knew Schumer before any of the fame, and now she's famous

well beyond stand-up too. Just like famous on a level that if she was like, if you were having a house party now of some sort, and like, oh Schumer's coming by, it still resonates in you where you go like, whoa, Amy Schumer's coming. When there was a time where you may have made an excuse to not have Amy Schumer,

because I don't have Amy Schumer. Do you know what I mean? Like make an excuse. They're still like, they gain celebrity and it's like it gets on them where you can't help but feel it too. I brought Shane to, with Skank specifically, when he came to do Bonfire with Soda one time,

I was like, come down with me. And he's like, you think it's gonna be cool? He said, no, I don't wanna barge in on the show. He's afraid now it's like, now Lewis and us annoy him. Shane, Shane, Shane? Shane, Shane, Shane?

Shane, Shane? Yeah, Amy and Norton used to come up for ice cream. Just to get ice cream, pinkberry. Well, they knew you had it. I didn't have a pink berry at my house, it was down the street. You got a pink berry machine installed in your house? No, I would though.

They wouldn't even do that. Shit, I love pink berry. I have a new thing. Greek yogurt with protein powder with honey. So good. We need a couple swap. Me and Dawn are gonna go fuck and smoke pot and do drugs. And you and Christine can just fucking eat

until you shit in front of each other. Me and Christine are so much more compatible. Compatible. Totally. And you are way more compatible with my wife. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, you both are viciously mean, you micro-correct, and you have tone. Me and Christine like food,

and we like to talk about our feelings. We're both. Yeah. We're nice. Yeah, we're nice. We love animals. We like to uplift each other. We actually love vacations. We like to beach.

Yeah, we like doing things. Yeah, you and Dawn could just sit at the house and smoke pot and fucking listen to music. And not talk to each other. Fuck yeah. That's not bad. Yeah, we are 100% Does she like horror movies?

Yeah, she loves, whatever the fuck you wanna watch, she'll watch. She has no input whatsoever, is what you want. Nice. Old school, old school. No, so you did the wedding, but was there, can I just hear a little bit of your vows? Because when I wrote my vows,

my uncle is a professional justice of the peace. He's a cop in Boston, but he marries people all the time. So I called him and he sent me, they have, these guys have these things. So I took some of his stuff and just made it mine. And then made it personal to Joe List and Sarah, and then Joe Russell and his wife, Olivia. But it was hard to come up with something,

because you don't want to be too cheesy, right? And you don't want to sound like a Lewis poem. No, I think I said like a sentence or two about, I said the reality was I was able to say like, I don't know them very well. How'd you open up? It was like script stuff. Do you remember anything?

It wasn't very interesting as far as like that goes. Ladies and gentlemen, did you just say like that? Welcome, hey everybody, I'd like to welcome everybody. Thank you all for coming out and being here on this, you know, special day. Did you do it with that energy? No. I wanna see the energy, just give me the energy, come on.

I don't remember what I say. Just give me the energy, just make it up. Okay. Ready? Thank you all for being here on this very, very special day joining Column and Jess as they share their vows and begin their lives together forever. Blah, blah, and it's just like that.

But I didn't, I said like. What was one of the jokes? The funnies, you had a funny. Yeah, well, the funny was, again, I didn't have to say too, too much, quite honestly. And then when it got to the, I said, it says here on the script, speak from the heart. So, I go, I really don't know, I know Column.

I've seen Column without Jessica many times and that's pretty insane. So I know when I saw them together, that she definitely evens him out while letting him be himself. That's probably the most thoughtful thing I said. And then I was like, they filled out a questionnaire with some fun facts about him,

and it says they met at Citi Field when Column turned the corner and saw his friend Kevin chatting this girl up. And then when he walked over and she heard Colum's accent, she never looked back. That's what the thing said. I was like, Kevin's here tonight. And he was.

And by himself, I was like, Kevin, you here with a chick tonight at least? And he was like, no. He shook his head no and I was like, damn, that sucks. And then I went back to the thing and then I was like, they've written their own vows they want to do. And then I put the mic in front of her,

and she did her vows, which were super sentimental, sweet, four-turn pages of stuff. It was great. And when I took the mic after that, I went back, and I was like, oof, death blow, Kev. That's it for sure. It's over for sure now. That's it. Ooh, Kev, that was a death blow, dude.

My favorite was when Collins sent the outline of what to say. It says, wedding ceremony. Run of show. Yeah, run of show. It's like it's a comedy show. No one's gonna not do that. Chrissy's nipples got hard

because it was such producer talk. Oh yeah, I like that. I was like. Great wedding, though. I was like. Oh I like that. Great wedding though. Food was fantastic. Really, Irish people food? No. Oh good.

No, no, no. Whatever this hall is, it's like their food for sure. Was it in New York, Manhattan? Jersey. Jersey. In Jersey, near you? Central. No, down. Almost South Jersey actually. Right.

But it was out there. But yeah, she has a great family, for sure. Big family. Was it a big wedding, a lot of people? Yeah. Did you have to stay the whole time? What was your egg? My egg strategy is this.

We go, we hang out, we do the food, we wait for them to dance a little bit, and then, hey, we get back to babysitter I think we were all in 4 p.m. To 10 Yeah, it was a really beautiful venue. It was the most paid for that her dad folks. No shit It wasn't column. It was the most column would have done this poor guy this poor guy three Daughters weddings in the last two years god damn it So glad I had a boy.

I had never been. Jay's wedding was kind of like this. I'd never been to a wedding in like a beautiful hall. Oh, I wish I would have known. I wouldn't have invited you. Yeah, you would have fucking banged her too while you were getting married. Why did I invite you there?

Bobby, don't make jokes like that. My wedding song was Faithfully by Jared. Was it really? Yeah. And everybody laughed at you. Everyone laughed. Everybody should laugh. Everybody should laugh.

Me and Carl looked at each other. We went, oh, we didn't think this out. We just liked the song. We didn't think about what the connotation was. Didn't we go to a swing club last weekend? It's not even that. We were just very publicly, like, in, like, cheating scandals me and her several times.

Mine was my. What is my, me and Donna, Billy Joel. Take this job and shove it. No, no, it's not Billy Joel. Billy Joel. We need to start the fire? No. What is my wedding song? Oh, what's that song about? One, two, one one two one two three four

no that's not it not it it's uh no no that's not it captain jack will get you high tonight one two three four oh nutsack bass play no it uh, what's the one about the girl doesn't have to change, huh? Loving you just the way you are. Yeah Just the way you are that one. Yeah, hacky. Fuck you you had faithfully you fucking Killed haha. Yeah, well me and Donna loped killed haha yeah well me and Donna loped this was just you guys dancing to each other we were dancing yeah we danced by a pool with other people that weren't in the wedding oh yeah that was humiliating

and then when I was humiliating then what the Elvis do and they put us like by the pool and sectioned us off so everybody was just looking at us and they kept changing clinging the glasses so we had to keep kissing which was annoying and what if you guys weren't dancing good? We danced all right. We slow-wight danced. Oh, that was all right. And then everyone was talking about did you have hand and palm? Um, I had no back and then yeah, not hand and palm holding your hand. I think Clutching fingers like this and then hand on the back. Yeah, that's too old clenching fingers like this and then hand on the back. I was too old.

What do you mean too old? It's not romantic. Dude, it wasn't romantic. I brought her up to the room and I forgot that the new hotel doors, I was thinking like movies, you kick the door open, but they swing back for that security protection and it hit her right in the fucking noggin. Oh, that's a heavy door too. I remember her just whack and she went, ow.

And I had to put her on the bed and get ice for her head. And then we made mediocre, we had mediocre sex. Aw. Yeah, it was pretty mediocre. Ooh. And we're gonna fight at a luau. Oh. Because I didn't, I was like, I don't like fucking poi.

And I can fight at a luau with. Fat Bob didn't have enough food at the luau. I got mad. I got mad. I got mad that they fed us, they fed us shit food. I thought luau was going to be like just me being a fat Hawaiian. I do love that. I love that Dawn loves you just the way you are or you love her just the way she is, but you had to cut half your stomach out.

She could love you more. Well, she had to take those fucking weird boobs up before they killed her. You kept them though, right? To make earmuffs? I don't have them. I actually made a toy for doodles in Dawkins. No. Yeah, I did.

I put rope on it so you could throw it around the backyard. I didn't want you to do that. I wanted you to give them to me and see if I could make them floating coasters. I have a new idea for floating coasters. As a guy, there's a pool now and sometimes you need floating coasters. I noticed gonna take a pic. As a guy, there's a pool now, and sometimes you need floating coasters. I notice that because if I leave my drink

on the side of the pool, it gets hot from the ground. Floating coaster would be from all of your former pig slutty wives who had their, not yours. She's an angel. Okay, thank you, I appreciate that. But the rest of these fucking go nowhere stripper sluts. I appreciate the addendum. Who eventually, not Dawn though. The rest of these fucking go nowhere stripper sluts. I appreciate the addendum. Who eventually not don though.

The rest of these garbage animals, when you take your things out, sell them on eBay as floating coasters. Cool. I call them floasters. Yeah, don't get close to flanker. Maybe if we add the floasters with the flanker. Okay.

Oh my God, dude. Well, I've also been working on a new thing called a nautical trigger. It's a thing that you'll push and it shoots the sail up. A nautical trigger. Nautical trigger. Nautical trigger. No, no, we gotta take a break.

Listen everybody, stop. We're gonna take a break. We gotta pay some bills here. We'll be right back. Stay tuned. Shh, it's the bonfire.