The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Brazilian Love with Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: September 24, 2024

Ari Shaffir fills in for Big Jay and learns about Brazilian hookers. Bobby tells of a time that he enjoyed sinful nights in Brazil. Jacob roll plays as himself paying for a Spanish lady of the night. A list of U.S. presidents that were rumored to be gay intrigues the gang. Trump was almost shot and Ari has a perfect theory about him. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolfSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to new episodes ad-free and a whole week early.

And now the bonfire with big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly What's up everybody Monday we're back It's your boy Bobby aka not Dan still still not there. Sorry. I know I know there's always a Chance on Monday. Ugh. Dan's back. Dan's back. Yeah.

Ugh. Yeah. I've been working on it. Yeah. But, and Jay's not here. Jay's gone. Jay's having a gastric. Gastric.

Bypass. No, the other way. Bring him back in. Oh, he's getting fatter. Yeah, he wants to be fat Yeah, always looking for like a theme. Yeah, it's like when you see me to check is like I did a boob job Like nice, you know, like no smaller like uh-huh. I had a girl did that I had a girl that had luscious big boobies and then I showed up like two months later and she had a boob reduction. Oh, and it was so sad They're always like my back hurts. I don't get a fuck about your back

Look at you. Yeah, get a back brace. Yeah, I'm not here for a C cups. Be a hero. I'm here for D and E's. Yeah Our chauffeur is here. It's it's good to see you man. Nice cans, bro This is personalized cans Those are personalized cans. These are personalized cans. When I got here, I was like, you know what? I need something a little different, something to separate me from the pack. Yeah, get that soda wax off.

And I got... I gotta tell you, man, you're here. Let me describe you. You have half your face is shaved, half your head, half your whole head. Your face, your head is shaved, and the other half is full beard, full Jew. Is this for, like, you're just afraid to walk around the streets?

It's been fun walking around. I'll tell you what bugs me about it. I just don't like that you have the I don't care. Attitude? It goes to another level that you're walking down the street and you know everybody's looking at you. People are looking in a different way than before. Everybody's looking at you.

Everybody's like, did you see that? People are probably taking pictures of you and you have that ability to go, I don't give a shit, man. I don't. You know who likes it more than anybody? Number one compliment group. Black homeless men. No, that's a group that you wanna hit.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a good one. I mean, it's not like I'm gearing it for them, but I don't mind the support. White homeless men, not as into it. Yeah, they don't. Black homeful men, also not as into it. I just don't, it bugs me.

It really bothers me that you can do these things. Yeah? Yeah, because I've always wanted to do it. Yeah, I know. I wanted to grow my hair out, but I get so scared. I gotta get that surgery. You have no, it must be good to not be conventionally good looking. You know what I mean?

Do you understand what I'm saying? Not positive. Let me explain it more. Okay. Like there's good looking people, right? And then there's unconventionally good looking. You're unconventionally, like it takes, you need your vibe and your energy

and then people are like, you know, he's kinda cute. There is a type of woman that's into that look, the Semitic look, if they're into that, I'm fuckin', I moved up to an eight, eight and a half. Yeah, yeah. If you're just a regular chick, six, four. Four? Four?

Okay. You'll give me four? God damn, bro. Fighting me on four? I'm not fighting you on four. Jesus Christ. It wasn't a fight, it was a eh. I would say three and a quarter.

Oh my God, that's hideous. I'll give you four, but here's the thing. You're, you're, you're. I've been out picturing the chicks that are four and I'm like, you're putting me in their category? Well, but if you had beautiful hair, if you had amazing hair, if you had a gorgeous, holy shit face,

you wouldn't wanna touch your hair, you wouldn't wanna fuck with it. But because you have that hair, and that face, you can play around with it. It's a freedom that good looking people don't wanna fuck with it. But because you have that hair and that face, you can play around with it. It's a freedom that good looking people don't have. Right, they're bound by it. They're bound by their beauty. It's like all these LA podcasters are so rich,

they're fucking slaves. Matt Reif can't, could you imagine him shaving half his head? No. And growing a beard? No, he would show off all the fucking surgery scars. That's allegedly. That's so, have you seen the befores and afters? It's allegedly.

What, did he fucking put himself into a Play-Doh factory? That's a different man, bro. What are you talking about? He's like, I never did this, admit it, it's fine. It's like Kumail. He's like, no, just working out. Like, shut up, bro. Shut up, Kumail Nanjiani.

Oh, I thought you said Kumail, and I thought you meant, Kumail. He's like, no, just working out. Like, shut up, bro. Shut up, Kumail Nanjiani. Oh, I thought you said Kumail, and I thought you meant Anthony Kumia. Yeah, dude, I mean, at least he did it when you should do it, before you became famous. Yeah. Right? Right. The people that...

It got him famous. It was worth it. The people that do it after fame is when it looks weird. Yeah. Right? Although that should be the highest priced one, the best looking kind, you know? What do you mean? You can pay for the good one.

The bad one is when you're like, eh, let me say half price. That's when you look bad. What, like half price, like face stuff? Joan Rivers was like looking for a bargain or something. Yeah, she did. I mean, she looked good for her age though. Okay.

Yeah, I mean she did. Yeah, all right. But there's some people that, you know, there's some people we know that get stuff. I hate when they deny it though. That's, that's. Big Jay hooked up with her. Big Jay hooked up with who? Joan Rivers. What do you mean hooked up with her? Made out, I don't think they had sex, but they made out.

They did not make out. Yep, yep. They made out when? Like, I don't know, 14 years ago. She was on T-Rock with him. She was Aunt Joan. But they had a make out in a scene. No, they was like, they like, they like, they were like, they were like with him. She was Aunt Joan. But they had a makeout and a scene.

No, they were like, they like, they like, like off work. They made out like after work, they went somewhere. Hardened every, he said he felt her up? No, he didn't. Yep. And I don't, it's been so long ago, I don't remember if she touched the dick on the outside. I don't think you can feel her up. I think you have to feel her down.

There's no feeling Joan Rivers up. You have to go through the V-neck in the front of her blouse and go down. There's no way you're gonna go up on that. I would, I'd do Joan Rivers. Did you have that story? I would do it. Yeah, for sure.

What's a kiss? What's a moldy mothball kiss? Who cares? Oh, I'd tongue her too. Yeah, me too. I'd kiss her neck. I would. Kiss her neck gently. Oh, you'd kiss her neck gently?

I'd suck on her lobe. Oof. I'd suck one of those pearl earrings right off and put it in my pocket. Wow. You got a lobe come off in your mouth. Yeah. I'm gonna stick this back on.

No. Talk to her and do great. No. What's the oldest woman you've ever been with? I've had some oldies. Like 32. 32? Yeah. Yeah, gross. That's not old. What's the oldest woman you've ever been with? I've had some oldies like 32 32 yeah, yeah gross that's not old What did you I had a I had a like a seven-year-old seven-year-old seven yeah seven

Fuck those children. Yeah, well, I mean. Good drop. Yes. Anyways, yeah, Jay will be in in 20 minutes. He's getting his passport fixed. Wow. I thought he wasn't coming in this week. You needed someone to fill for him. No.

You said you gotta come Monday. I need somebody for Monday. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I didn't think you were gonna fucking stop the gag. I thought you're gonna go with it. Is he coming in? No he's not coming in. Oh. Jay is out for the day. We just want people tuning in. Oh I get it. No, Big Jay he's out he's at where is he? He's at a he's at a game right? Eagles. He's at the Eagles tonight. Where? In? In Philadelphia. Philadelphia, Brazil. That was the opening day.

Wow, that would have been great. Just to follow those players around. All the hookers they got. In Brazil? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, practice is over, do what you want. And I know we all wanna do the same thing.

Eat steak and fuck hookers. I don't think I could do a hooker anymore. You could. I couldn't. You could. I don't think I could do a hooker anymore. You could. I couldn't. You could. I don't think I could. I don't think I could. What do you mean? I don't know if I could go to Brazil and... No, you're already in Brazil. I'm in Brazil. Yeah.

And then what? Everybody's going out there. I don't want to go. It's like, we're just getting the car with us. We're going to go to fucking Juas Carrillo. You do that. Okay. go get, yeah. Just only do carbs, I mean no carbs. Forget the bread. Yeah, just meat. Yeah. I'm in, yeah. And then it's like, oh, let's go.

And you're like, ah, that was so fun. You talk about the meal, you're in the car, the driver's taking you, you get out, brothel. Yeah, but. And now you're already there. I can't, because the brothel, they're called termuses. It's called a termus, by the way. And, yes, Jacob.

It doesn't sound good. The termis? Like term, I'm thinking terminal. No, not really. I think it's hot. No. Like thermal? It's a, it's a.

Like if you go in. Basically, it's a, you go into this little building and there's security out front and then you give them your name and a credit card. And then they give you a bracelet with a number on it. And then you go into a, you go into a then you go into a room and there's lockers, and you get that locker, 36, you would be 36. You're 12, I'm five.

And you go in and you get changed into a robe. And then you go, what? How come you get to be five? We're all double digits guys over here, you're the fucking man in the crowd. The double digits in the thing, I'm close to the front door. Like five is one, two, three, four, five, like people open the door, they can see me in the lobby

getting changed. You guys are deep in the locker. I gave you the better prime spot. Okay, I take that milk in it. Yeah, dude. Nice and juicy, right? Yeah, it's cold, like they open the door and the cold air comes in.

Yeah, Rio's freezing. Yeah, no, the AC's in there. Oh, okay, okay. From the lobby's colder, they AC from the lobby's colder they always make the lobby colder yeah and then you get you get a you get into a robe and flip flops and then you go upstairs in an elevator to a discotheque you get to keep the flip flops or no I mean you could if you wanted to I wouldn't yeah I mean all the stuff you're stepping on up there I wouldn't I would probably throw

them out yeah I want platform flip flops. I don't want to get some like around the corner juice. And you go upstairs and there's like a disco like music and food and everything goes on your bracelet. So you're sitting there, me, you, Ari, 36, 5, and what were you again? 12. 12. We're just hanging out in robes with boners.

Yeah. Because we all popped blue pills before. And so I'm getting a water, I'm like 12. They put it on the account. You get it. You don't get a water. You get like a drink. I know what to start with. I'm just cause I don't want to make you feel bad. But I'm getting diet coke. Yeah. I'm like, I'll get a water and then I'll secretly go get some booze. Okay. Well you get booze. Okay. And then you get chicken and stuff.

And you put it on the arm. Literally put it on the arm. Is that where it comes from? No. On the arm. You know what? the arm. Just go like this. Literally put it on the arm. Is that where it comes from? No. On the arm? You know what? Yes it does. It is. You know what? It does. That's exactly where it comes from. On the arm. It's from brothels in Brazil. You put it on the arm. And then girls are dancing in thongs, bikinis, high heels. Why do you dance? It's just air fuck. Well they just dance with it. Brazilian girls love to dance and they love to look at themselves in mirrors. Yeah. And then when you see a girl you like, Jacob, you just wave.

That's all you do. You wave. And they come right over. And they sit with you and they talk with you. And they're like, I'll be the girl. You be you. Hello, what's your name? Jacob, how are you?

Hello, Jacob. I like you so much. You're so cute. You're so pretty. I know. You're smaller than the other guys, but I like small guys. Well, I don't agree with that. Well, no, I look at you and I see you're smaller than the other two guys.

No, I don't, I mean... No, but I like the small men. How dare you talk to me like that? No, but I like the small men. Get into the culture. I bet you're not small down there, though. Can I see the manager, please? Oh, Jesus.

Wow, I mean, wow please? Oh Jesus. Wow. I mean wow. Nice take. Working for a refund. Jesus Christ. I like it. Well played. You're going to get fucking kicked out because of your height issues.

Well played. I mean she started it. That's not a good business woman if you ask me. It's like going to a strip club at DeRosa. You're fucking ruining it. And then you go, when you get over your height thing with her, right? Right.

Then she'll go, you want to go to my upstairs? And then you go upstairs to the elevator, and then they all have rooms. And then they go get changed into a negligee, sexy negligee. And then they come back out and you go to her room with her. And there's a bed and it's all clean. And then you do whatever you want.

Whatever you want to do. Sex! That's what I do. If that's what you want to do. Sex! That's what I do. If that's what you want to do. That's what I do for sure. I don't know what Jacob, Jacob might want to talk. I would tie her arms and legs until she apologized

for calling me short. Do you want to ever leave this room again? There's a 45. You whore. All right. I can't hear the word come to that. You whore. All right. That's extra. I can't hear the word come to that. You whore.

That's extra, Jacob. I think that's a little extra, but I'm pretty sure you can do that if that's what you're into. But there's a 45-minute limit. Can you go down on them? You can do, in 45 minutes, you can do whatever you want. And here's the best part. Say Jacob, say Jacob, you tie her up.

We're over it, she apologizes. Oh, she apologizes. Okay, okay, so we're back, we're good. Because she knows what's good for her. Oh my God. Uncock that backhand, Jake. You're taller than my father, you're so tall. And I don't know, I turned Asian.

Before it was Mexican, I don't know, I still wasn't close. I can't talk, I can't do Portuguese accent. 12 countries away. I don't know, I turned Asian. We need to be. Before it was Mexican, I don't know. It still wasn't close. I can't talk, I can't do Portuguese accent. 12 countries away. And then, so now you're doing what you wanna do. What would you do off the menu, Jacob? What would you wanna do?

Anything you wanna do, you could do. You can do anything you want from me. What do you want to do? Vanilla tastes, generally, but we're in Brazil. Yeah, we're in Brazil. Yeah. I don't understand, like anything, anything you want to do with me, you can do. She is a part of me that would still be reserved. Tiner up. Oh, sorry.

We're we're past that. She like I said, she's apologizes. Don't forget, there's mirrors to you. There's mirrors everywhere. So what? Well, Jacob's going to see him doing that stuff. Oh no, oh no. At some point, you're going to look over and see you doing something weird and you'll never get that out of your head.

Oh boy, oh boy. So, you know what I'm saying? And she's going to be looking at herself too. They love to look at themselves. Come on Trinity! Come on Trinity! Yeah! Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You can hang and do it again. You can just talk and you can talk tips on like what to see and what restaurants to eat at and such. You're in the room for the 45 minutes. Tell me how tall I am. You're Oh my God. Are you well you six to six one close.

You're close. Nice. What about your other friend? He's not the good looking but six and a Six and a half. Six and a half. Six and a half. Six and a half. Six range. But I mean, I was wearing the shoes.

I had to put my high heels on to be next to you. You did. Yes. Is that better? No? My accent? Getting better? Yeah.

Okay, Papi. No, that's Puerto Rican. So you can fuck again if you can get hard again. You can have sex as much as you want. But we took a blue pill so it's going to happen. You took a blue pill. You got a chance. You got a chance, you got a chance. You got a chance 35 minutes later, getting... That's good for me.

35 minutes later, so then you go back in, and then you're done, and then you go down to the showers and shower up. You want to clean off, right? You want that smell in you. No. You can keep it on. Because then you go back, you can go get a massage, or you can go back to the room and do it all over again. With a new chick.

With a whole new girl. Now, in between. Yes. Okay. Do they have, like, I'm thinking we play cards. No, no, cards. Yeah, something to pass the time. I don't know, I wanna learn Brazilian game. You wanna play Pee-nuckle?

Cribbage, Pee-nuckle, sure, absolutely. Asshole. Yeah, enough time for a best of three tournament. No, you're hanging out shooting the shit. You're hanging out, talking, with drinking. We get food in between. You get food up there? Everything goes on the arm.

So whatever you get, food, you get snacks. They bring over all kinds of little treats and drinks and you're hanging out with talking. So me and you were talking, right? All of a sudden, Jacob's gone. He's gone. How are me and you in the room? Oh, he's up there.

We're talking in the lobby. Because they don't pressure you. Me and you, our girls are hanging with us. Like, they're our girls. We already had the 45? No, well we're just hanging. We didn't go up yet. He went up quick.

Cause these two girls trying to get it. We're hanging, right? And then all of a sudden, okay, he comes back and then your girls are like, let's go. And you go upstairs. Same room? No, different. Everybody has their own room.

Damn. And they all get checked once a week for disease. Once a week, so you got a one in 100 chance of. Yeah, I mean. I mean, you're rolling the dice. You're still rolling the dice. But they get checked, okay. They get checked.

Is it like pride where they tested them for steroids, but then when they test positive, like you can still fight. Yeah, the bad part is, is with a girl you're with, and then the guy comes in and checks her, and she gets, she has to leave for the night. Hey, I gotta talk to you outside. Excuse me, sir.

Yeah, when you go back to the next. Excuse me sir, we'll be right, we'll be right. I just have to have a word with her outside about these tests. When you go back the next night and your girl has a month off. Yeah. Oh, she's not here.

Well, what does that mean for me? It's like, oh, you get her free of water. But yeah, and then, so you'll go up and you'll come down and then we'll all be hanging out, then we'll all be gone. As much as you want, guess the price. $500. $250.

$300 American. I'm gonna say $261 US dollars US dollars now before you tell me yes, I think it's interesting nobody guessed like 30 bucks. Yeah, nobody gets low Okay 50 bucks 50 dollars. I mean at the time is there bargaining Price the price you such a Such a Ari. Oh you'd rather pay 50 than 40? I mean, who would? You start at 25, work up to 40.

No, there's no, Let them feel like they won. It's $50. I mean, but I almost, Oh shit, all I have is 20, cause I need this other. You could go three girls and it's only $150. All right, 27, can I go 27?

No, you can't. All right, 30, the final price. No, there's no negotiating. Oh, I can't believe you're talking up to 40. Everybody's the same. Everyone's the same. What an egalitarian world down there. Good word. Thanks. I don't think I used it right. No one in here knows. Yeah. Everybody's just like, yeah. Big words of the bonfire. That's a nice segment. Big words of the bonfire. Just see if anybody calls you on wrong usage.

No, dude, it was, uh, I got it. Yeah, perfect. Nice. Dude, you feel like an equestrian. Oh, wow. I'll take it. That was definitely wrong. That's somebody who rides horses. Yeah. I thought you meant that, Rob. I'm trying to say like, what does that mean? And here's the best part. They're all night, right? Usually go around six. You've done around nine. Yeah.

And then you go to the Choscaresca, the Brazilian church at that place. You go to the Brazilian steakhouse and they have one that has steak and a sister restaurant next door that does seafood. Ooh. So you can go to either one. And when you're leaving the place, the bill goes on

your credit card as a restaurant. So it looks like you just... Wait, the Brazilian steakhouse is part of the whorehouse? The whorehouse. No, yeah. They do a joint venture. No, the whorehouse goes on not as a whorehouse or like as the place. It goes on like you went to a restaurant. So you went to this place first. So if you have somebody. So you went to two restaurants in one night. If you have a joint account. And it's joined up with the Chasqueria?

No, it's not joined. No, it's completely separate. I mean, yeah, you went to do two dinners in one night, which is. Bang, bang, bang, bang. You made bang, bang, bang real. Not as fishy as whorehouse. Yeah, not as fishy.

And then steakhouse. I mean, that's fishier. Your wife goes like, what are these two restaurants? Go, fuck, I'm so embarrassed. But the food was so good there and I didn't want to tell you, but it was overall pretty cheap. And for me, at that time,

and for me at that time it was not that fishy. Me going to two restaurants was par for course. I would say. What is wrong with the food? Why only two? Of course. I would say. What is wrong with the food? Why only two?

Yeah. But yeah, it was, and then it's not done. The night's not done, Jacob. The night's not done. We had a great time, right? We had a good time. Then we went and ate our faces off like kings. Ari, we went and ate.

That's great. We burned all this energy. We had thousands of calories burned doing all the tying girls up and forcing them to apologize and then doing weird stuff. First being in things she shouldn't have said. First of all, she was out of line and I don't like it either. Yeah, we'll still have that talk with the manager. Let's go back.

Let's go back and talk to the manager. I talked to him afterwards. You did. What did he say? He took care of you. He said it wouldn't happen again. Okay, good, yeah. And he killed her.

She's dead, actually. He dumped her body in the jungle. But then you go, after that you go to the nightclub. There's a nightclub. You go to, near the hotel, you go to the nightclub, and guess what's upstairs? Whorehouse. Nope.

Poker room. No. Massage. Nope. EDM, house upstairs, techno No. Um. Massage. Nope. EDM, house upstairs, techno downstairs. Bingo, no. It's a regular dance club that you get to go to, but all the girls there?

Yeah. Every girl there? Horace. Jacob, you can take. Why, what do you mean you can take? They're Horace. You can, you can, well, I wouldn't call them Horace. I would call them.

Just the law protects them if you wanna take them. You can not take them, you can, well, I wouldn't call them whores. I would call them just the law protects them. If you want to take them, you can not take them. I use the wrong word. I have a specific set of skills. No, not that I could come in my pants faster than anyone here. Independent contractors is what you're saying. Jacob, independent contractors that want to work out of the union. They don't work for corporate. There you can negotiate Ari

There is where your Ari skills will come into effect Jacob. Let's double team and half price team. Yeah Yeah, and double the Jew have to cost you and then guess we you can go back to your hotel room with them Oh interesting. I'm sure the hotels love that nobody. This is the greatest part, right? They do because you have to pay the hotel $20 American if you have an extra person you have they have to give their ID card to the front desk You pay $20 for them on the and then when they on the arm and then when they leave They have to check in the hotel calls you mr. Kelly is everything okay? Did you steal much because there's kidnapping rings there.

Yes, there is. There's whores that are attached to kidnapping rings. Five to 10 friends have the thing of like, I'm just gonna go freshen up, like with a whore in a bathroom in America, and then the door closes, they're like, fuck, where's my wallet? And just running down the hallway

after this half naked after this chick. Not in Brazil. Not in Brazil. They call you, Mr. Kelly, is everything okay? And you check all your shit, and you go, everything's great. Tell her I said goodbye. What's her name? Tiffany?

Trinity. Tell Trinity I'll see her tomorrow. Tell Trinity I'll see you tomorrow. And then they leave. And it's the greatest. And then you know know you do the next day what all over again Yeah, all over again steak and pussy steak and pussy That's a wake up go to the Jesus statue and then get it go get it on I'll tell you what I did. I did the last the last day. I went and I went to every Single tourist spot and took my and I brought it was different shirts

I swear to God I went with different shirts. I went with different clothes and I just took pictures of me in different spots with different outfits on. My buddy, we were at the pier, Santa Monica Pier, and we took a picture, it was back in the Twitter days, and he goes, hey, can you, I'm going out with a different chick Thursday, can you wait till Thursday to post that?

Just say we're together. Like for sure, buddy. I hate that. I hate that when your friends have to. You gotta keep track. Yeah, you gotta keep track of their bullshit. Yeah. I hate that.

I don't like. I think I'm mad at you if you don't do it right. Yeah, I mean, it is guy code. You have to kind of. I know, but don't make me keep track of a bunch of stuff. I can't talk to you, Lee. Have you been? It's fucking freaking me out. Democrats and Republicans of stuff. I can't talk to you with half your beard. It's fucking freaking...

Democrats and Republicans, bro. Which side's Democrat, the left? Right. Whatever you think. That's what the opposite is. I would say the right side with the beard... Is... Is the Democrat. And the white right.

The white right. The left side is the Republican. Because the left side is clean cut. God bless America. The right side is the Republican. Because the left side is clean cut, God bless America, the right side going mental, things are crazy, we gotta shoot this guy again. Yeah, again. Again. Was there another?

Yes. There was, I kinda half heard it on the radio. At his golf course. At his golf course. Guy, crazy guy. Well, I could, somebody saw him kick the ball out from under a tree. I know.

Yeah, you can't do that. No, you can do that. It's called the foot wedge and you can't really do it How do you know a golf term and it and if if you that guy was correct to do it if he was cheating like that Trying to improve his lie. The PGA rules are pretty clear. Oh, you think you work for the USGA USGA? I'm sorry. I'm sorry misspoke USGA. Okay USGA. Yeah, it's not a I hate something No, it's rules golf. He didn't. It's not a I hate something. No, it's rules. He loves golf. He loves golf. He's a rules follower. You know what the thing about you Ari, you always you always take me down a different road than I wasn't

thinking. That's why I love you. Yeah. Yeah, I wasn't thinking that it probably was about the golf. Yeah, I mean, when you think about it, he's always bragging about his handicap. He's like, I believe in you. Now I see you using the fucking the old foot wedge. How great would it be if you got shot again in the other ear so this guy shot at him or no no the well the Secret Service what now he's got more secret service not as much as the president but more than he did so what they do is every hole somebody is

ahead of him looking this guy's ahead of him the read they get in the lies some guy some guy just saw a sniper rifle sticking through a bush. What? Yeah. Was that what happened? I didn't even read what happened. So what happened is the Secret Service went ahead a couple holes,

and he saw a rifle sticking through a fence, and he had two armored vests hanging from the fence to protect him from bullets. Hanging, huh. And he saw the rifle and the scope coming through the fence, and he just started shooting at the guy. Did you kill him? No he ran. Got away. Got away? What kind of shot are you? Good eyesight for sure. The vest is a mistake giving it away. Well I mean seeing a gun with a scope.

But how do you see a gun just a just a rifle coming I mean I wouldn't be able to see that. You can't even find your ball. 200 yards up, it was in the fucking fairway. How is it gone? How is he? It's constant. How is he allowed to be anywhere near there? It's his golf course. It's his golf course. No, the shooter.

Oh, I get Trump. Yeah, yeah, you didn't buy a Greensfield. You can't just go on the. How is he there? It's crazy that these lone gunmen are getting so close to this guy. The access is insane, yeah. So he shot him and then. These Democrats are wiling. The Secret Service shot at the guy crazy that these lone gunmen are getting so close to this guy.

So he shot them and then Democrats are wiling. The secret service shot at the guy. He ran, got away. Someone in the parking lot took a video of the guy's car and gave it to the police and the secret service. They caught him. They caught him on the highway. They pulled him over and got him. They got him on the highway and they pulled them over. And they got him on the highway and they pulled him over.

Is he a Democrat, Republican or independent? He actually, he was actually- Is he a Rand Paul fan? He's a Ukraine supporter. I don't know how that translates to, I have to shoot somebody. Because the Democrats- Trump wants to end that war. No, he doesn't. No, he doesn't. I thought Biden kept it going.

No, Trump wants out of all wars. Yeah, I know. Yeah, that's why he shot him. Trump wants out of all wars, and Biden is like giving them, you gotta give them money, or Russia's gonna take over, blah blah blah. This guy was Ukraine, he's been over to Ukraine.

But he also, if you go down the deep hole, which I did last night, he follows certain people. One of them is, used to be in this. Deep hole's what you asked for with that brothel. No, no, no. You don't want to deep hole the brothel. You want to have never ending story. No. I want to jizz and not feel it in my cock.

That's disgusting. I would not want that. I don't, ugh. I would like to feel it. I would like to feel it. I want to jizz and hear that sound you hear when you like throw throw a peanut in the toilet. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Like when you spit your gum out, when you're pissing, plop, plop.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a bit. And you want a little drip to flop back up and hit you in the nose. Yeah, so he was for Ukraine. Wow, interesting. Yeah, it was pretty fucked up. But he wants to, in that war. No, he doesn't want in this war.

Trump. He doesn't want the war. Right. He wants out. That's why the guy's mad. He wants us to support. To keep fighting. Keep fighting Russia.

I thought they had a ceasefire on the table and then America and England were like, no, you can't take out a ceasefire, we've got to occupy Russia. He wants support. I thought they had a ceasefire on the table and then America and England were like, no, you can't take out ceasefire, we gotta occupy Russia. This is the guy who's rarely interested in anything, who's heard little things. I might be talking about Rwanda, I really don't know. I feel like we're on a rogan right now. That's the guy?

Fucking Cato Kaelin? Yeah, but he also, he had blue hair, he had blue stripes of... And then he dyed it before they arrested him? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, he has a lot of videos online of him with like a blue side of his hair. They really protect prisoners now if he was like hey I identify as a blonde so before you book me you're gonna have to get me into a salon.

Yeah they caught him he's in uh he's uh in federal uh prison right now. Yeah I mean it's not gonna stop dude. Now that they know people know that it's that easy. It's on game on now, now you got Hack Central. Everyone's fucking copycatting. Well, it's like, I think people- It's like that Man of the Street stuff where the first week of NYU were like free hugs, like fuck you, it's been done 100 times.

Since Judah did it, it's been done 100 times. Free hugs? Yeah, free hugs. Oh, I'm in New York, no, you're in New York and I'm not touching you. Don't act like, oh, I'm just a flower child. You're in fucking New York. Oh, I just wanted to piece him. Nah, you wanna in New York, and I'm not touching you. Don't act like, oh, I'm just a flower child. You're in fucking New York. Oh, I just wanted to piece him.

Nah, you wanna be center of attention. You're filming yourself. Yeah, it's like a guy who shaved half his face. Exactly. Duh! Look at me. Yeah, Judah did it, and then everybody's just fucking doing it.

That's before they had fucking monkeypox. I hate this band so much. I love Dave Matthews. I fucking can't stand. They put on monkeypox. I hate this band so much. I love Dave Matthews. I fucking can't stand... They put on festivals now. I know. I hate jam bands. Yeah.

I do. I hate when they just go off for 30 minutes. They were revolutionary, having a black member of an alt band? No, that was... What's his name? The lead singer? Living Color? No, no.

Parliament? No, the one that all the Jews like Bone in the USA David Brett David to do Brown and what's his name? Springsteen brain Bruce Springsteen had a black dude black saxophone. He wasn't alt he was just rock all the Jews like him You did you ever been to Jewish camp steen? Yeah Rock guys are old Jewish guys You never been to Jewish camp? Steen. Yeah. Oh, bro. Yeah, dude. You never put that shit together? Oh, wow. Dude, all rock guys are old Jewish guys. Every rock guy is just an old Jew.

Yeah, his real name is Bruch. Yeah. Baruch Springsteen. Yeah, kisses just a bunch of Jews. That's all it is, dude. Yeah, music. Yeah, buddy, what's up? But about the Trump assassination,

I know from my knowledge of, what's the security? Secret service. Secret service. I've watched in the line of fire, so I know a thing or two. Okay, expert. Yeah. You send your advance team, I know that term.

You send the advance team, how does the advance team not pick up on them? Okay, because that was for the president. The president gets a whole different secret service. When you're running though, don't you get like as much as? No, you do not. He was a former president.

He gets at least the formers, and then maybe runnings. They actually upped it since he got shot the first time, because he had 10 people. Also, hire your own guys. Ask Rogan who's not working weekends. Let me have him. It's like you don't just have to get what they give you.

Somebody's shooting out here, like, maybe I'll step this up. Well, they stepped it up since the last shooting. Who gets more Secret Service, former president or never was president, but is currently running for president? I think, no, no, is it former? Like is Jimmy Carter still alive?

No, he's not. Is he alive? Yeah. I mean, he's dead basically. Okay, so- I mean, if you heard him talk right now, he's dead. So who gets- He has dementia and he doesn't move now.

He doesn't move. So who would get more signal service? Jimmy Carter or- Trump. But Trump was already the president once, so he would have that plus. Jimmy Carter or like, who But Trump was already the president once, so he would have that plus. Jimmy Carter or like, who ran against Trump last time? Biden, no, he was a former.

The Sanders. Hillary Clinton when she was running. Who got more? I would bet Hillary Clinton. I don't know. I would say her husband was president. And also she likes to kill people, so she's like, I need you to be offensive, not defensive.

She gets secret service too. Your family gets secret service. Her daughter gets secret service. Good point, not defensive. She gets Secret Service too, your family gets Secret Service. Her daughter gets Secret Service. Good point, good point. They all get Secret Service. You get Secret Service for the rest of your life. How would you guys abuse your Secret Service? Oh, I'd make them do things.

Yeah, make them do things, this is the obvious ones. Like, can I get your water? I'm like, oh, you went down a bad road right there, bro. Yeah, I would never use Uber. No, never, carry me. Yeah, go get my muffin. Yeah, I'd get to a door of a restaurant, I'd be like, ahem.

Yeah, I'd make them walk doodles every morning. Go pick up that dog shit, tie up the bag and throw it in the trash. Damn, it was a really wet one, I'm sorry. I just don't feel like doing a wet one. A solid one, I'll get you, but. I'd make them pick out cabinets with my wife. I wouldn't do fucking anything.

I would love a secret service though. I'd love to be in the secret service. Oh, that's who they need. What? What are you talking about? I need you. Buddy, I would be fantastic. Show me, show me a dive to the right to take a bullet.

You take a bullet. I would take a bullet for you. You would love, let me have a bite of that before you eat it. You would love that. That part, I would excel at that too. It was like, Mr. President, I'm gonna have to take a bite of that before you eat it you would love that that part I would excel at that too it was like mr. mr. president I'm gonna have to take a bite of that casually talking to your wrist all right ready here we go yeah I'll go first ready yeah

right now there's something going on to the left you're okay not president okay well no you wouldn't say president. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. All right. Let me try it. Can I have one more shot? I'll be giving a speech. Day one. To all Americans who are here today, we honor you with your grit and your stick-to-itiveness. Speaking now, we're going to rush him right after he's done. This is the spirit that keeps us all together. All right, watermelon primes on the go, on the go, let's go. Watermelon prime. Watermelon prime, nice.

Wait, you know I was doing an Obama impression. Oh shit, I'm sorry. That was wild. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait. It came out right after my accident but. Black loop, black loop, hang on one second. Wow. Hang on one second.

Wow, that's five pushups. Hang on one second. That's five pushups. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What if you could just be racist, but to make up for it you had to do five? I'd be shredded. It would help a lot.

It would help a lot. Not with the cancellations, people are like, oh, fuck that, but if you're like, all right, I'll admit it, I'll do my five. People would admit it and move on. You'd be shredded. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Anthony Cooley would miss the universe.

Yeah, I would be a fan. Let me see your wrist thing. Okay. Let me do one here. Do an old president. Okay. To come up with a cool name. I'll do Grover Cleveland.

No one knows. This improvisation is you guys. Go ahead. We're going to come out with this this recession stronger than we have before we were you united one nation under god we will show light to the nations

that we are resilient oh am i supposed to talk about this? I was waiting for him to end. Are you kidding me? You're Secret Service. I know, but I was. He's dead. He's fucking dead. I couldn't think of a name.

I was trying to come up with a name the entire time. What the fuck? I'm not as good as you are at coming up with the. I mean, Chevy. Well, I was going to say Eagle, and then I said that's two. That's two on the nose. It's two on the nose. Yeah, look around the room. Kaisa Soze it.

Do it again. I'll do Lincoln, ready? I'll do Lincoln. I'm good now. Okay, listen. Wow. I think. Wow.

We're equals and I think that black people should not be slaves. Aren't we should get. We should, listen, excuse me, I'm talking. No, you can't. Why are you doing gay Lincoln? Oh, you didn't know he was bisexual? Oh, come on. What? No, we couldn't. Dude,, you can't. Why are you doing gay Lincoln? Oh, you didn't know he was bisexual? Oh, come on.

What? No, we couldn't. Dude, fuck you, dude. What are you? He was bisexual. Here we go. You think that- Here we go, what does this happen a lot?

Jacob thinks that gay people started in the 60s. Jacob, it's true that they started in the 50s. Buddy, he was bisexual. There's a whole documentary coming out. He was bisexual. What footage do they have? They have views. Yeah, exactly.

They have him sucking one dick. First of all, him getting shot was a lover's quarrel. Booth? Yeah, he broke up. Kissing Booth. He broke up with him. What? Yeah, he broke up with him, they got into an argument,

he was like, shut the fuck up, this is a play. And he was like, motherfucker, and he shot him in the head. Wait, wait. Critics of the hypos, emphasize that Lincoln married and had four children, so did Paul Mooney. Scholar Douglas Wilson writes that Lincoln,

as a young man, displayed robustly heterosexual behavior, including telling stories to his friends of his interactions with women. Ha ha ha, that's the gayest thing. Guys, you know what I just had so much sex with? A woman. First of all, bring up his wife. It's telling me he's not. Look at that weird hairstyle.

Oh yeah, bring up his wife. Let me see if he, if it stands to reason. Oh, it stands to reason. This is kind of, yeah, now if you see her, you'd say, oh, maybe there's something. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I mean, come on. Oh yeah. She's trans. Mary Todd Lincoln. Mary Todd, she's one of each. She's non, non, uh, what's it go when you go back and forth? Non-binary. Non-binary. Yeah, she, he's a, she's a. Look at it go when you go back and forth on binary, non-binary. Yeah, she's a she's a look at that beast. And that's her dolled up.

These are portrait hers. Oh, dude. This ain't more than her. Let me tell you something. Before the before the 1900s, it was not a pretty woman on planet Earth. Well, all American women were were dudes back in the day. Look at any photo from women back in the day. They were all men. I mean, it was hard. It was hard back in the day. Look at any photo from women back in the day. They were all men. I mean, it was hard. It was hard back in the day for women.

Didn't he also call her mother? You know, those guys like gay guys, mother, mother, where's my tea? What happened to the Lincoln kids? What are they going to? One of them died in the war. Worms died in the war. Yeah. The war against blacks. No wait, different war. That was not the war. Four blacks. Yeah, it was four blacks. But DC was to the south. What? He was in DC. It's the south. Yeah, but he was the north. He was Chicago. He was the north. The south was actually the Dixie Democrats. They wanted slavery. Illinois was like, hey, we will support

you in this, but when we're done freeing the blacks, we will replace them with the Polox. And Lincoln said, begrudgingly I heard, said, okay, I need your support. I need Illinois support. Yeah, he did do that. That's a fact. That is a fact. Most people know that Democrats were the racists. I hear people like Democrats used to be this Republicans. This is like well. That's not in it anymore Yeah, the frontier used to be America. Well it ain't anymore. What are you still talking about that 300 years ago things were different There's no wig part shut up Instead of rebrand what is it now? What is it? A wig party? The wigs. The wigs?

Yeah. Remember that one guy said you just have to wigs all the time? What is that, why? Why do guys wear wigs? I mean, I get it. Fucking Lou woulda hated that. Lou woulda loved it. No, he hates wigs.

Just this one girl kept showing up on dates with different wigs each time and it's hot. That black, that jet black straight hair of a wig, plus she fucked. She was jet black. Yeah, she was that jet black straight hair of a wig plus she fucked she was jet black She was black. I mean, I think he knew that I'm pretty sure Irish Oh, I was picturing like one of those spies. Who is that chick? Who's a spy? She was wear wigs in the movie Something yeah, yeah that kind of wig is what I was picturing.

Oh, you're saying weave. Well, that's, well, yeah. I mean, damn, she's odd. She's, that's my type of black. And then the next one. That's Stacey Dash black. That's the first date. And then the second date,

she showed up with half of that. Maybe she cut it. Maybe she cut a hit. No, she said, do you like my wig? I'm like, I don't know anything about it. And you go, does the curtain match the drape? She goes, oh, I don't have curtains. What are we talking about here?

You know what you should have done? You should have took it over head and threw it in the gutter and walked away. This is over. We were bowling. I could literally have should have thrown it down the gutter. What is a drape? A drape?

Yeah, curtains match the drapes. What's a drape? The drapes of the hair and the curtain. No, no, no, but what's a drape in real life a drape is um It's the isn't it the top the carpet my ad the drapes the carpet match the you know, you're in hotel wrong, right? Right is the carpet message it not the carpet is the hair on the vagina. I was explaining it. I was explaining it, too I didn't even yeah Drape a drape a drape is the same thing.

Is it correct? You're really explaining it like a note, and Jacob's like, the question's wrong. Yeah. I was actually talking to the right side of his face, so with the beard, so I became dumber. You were talking to the clean side. I'm clean cut Ari.

You're clean cut Ari. I believed everything he's told me. Can I just say, we're having a great episode, we don't really need Jay. Ha ha ha ha ha. Don't say that. Can I be new, new new Jay? I'm not Dan, you're not Jay. This is not the bonfire. Look at all the guys just got scared. That's not what we signed up for. We're thinking about it. It wasn't so hard to begin with.

I think it was a good start. I think it was a good start. I think it was a good start. I think it was a good start. I think it was a good start. I think it was a good start. I think it was a good start. I think it was a good start.

I think it was a good start. I think it was a good start. I think it was a good start. I think it was a good start. I think it was a good start. I think it was a good start. all the guys just got scared. That's not what we signed up for. We're thinking about it. It wasn't so hard to be gay back then though, man. You had a sneak it. Oh, I gotta tell you about a story about some gays. So I took my niece camping for Bat mitzvah. We're on the way back, we're on a little hike. It's behind a mall somewhere in New Jersey and there's woods back there.

So we parked them, went back there, and there's some guy, which is a comb-over, some 68-year-old man, a comb-over, just goes, how you guys doing? And looking at us weird. Yeah. And I was fine, and he goes, hey, don't go that way, it's muddy.

You want to go that way? I'm like, okay. From the jizz. And then we passed two other dudes just sitting on a bench, also late 60s, just staring at us as we walked by. We're like, hello, they're like, yeah, hi. You understand what this is? I know exactly what it is.

You know what it is called? What? It's called the cruising spot. Yeah, it's the Vietnam era. I have to hide this from my wife, Gay. Yeah. It's my wife's pussy is dead, but I need my penis to be touched and I'll have Fred do it. It doesn't matter anymore.

Yeah, it doesn't matter anymore. So, the new place where I moved, I took Doodles on a walk. Doodles. Yeah. And I went up the hill and all of a sudden there's this beautiful tennis courts and a swimming pool, big fields, basketball, it's like the town place. But behind it, there's trails. And I woke up at like six, I took her for a walk, and I'm in the trails. And I'm walking down and I don't even acknowledge it,

but there's an old guy. Hey, what's up man, how are you? All right, old guy getting exercise, nice. And then another guy. Oh, we're a couple old guys guys with mirrored sunglasses and a Punisher shirt on and And a hat pulled down pretty much incognito. Oh and he came up and I was a girl. What's up, man? How you doing? I go and I was like are these trails did they go all the way the back goes? Yeah, they go all the way in the back and you can go in the way back and then come around and I'm like Oh cool, man. Yeah, I just moved here he's like oh really that's

cool. He's like nice to have you up and down nice to have a young guy here. And I was like I'm Bob and he shook my hand he's like yeah whatever his name was I'm like oh cool. Nice to meet you and then so I was pretty much interviewing for Yeah, for a position. I didn't even realize it that But I'm just introducing myself to all these gay guys in the woods and I'm just, hey guys, I'm in town. I'm new in town here, I like passing around. I'm gonna drop the dog off, I'll be back, I'm sucking everybody off. Bug free.

I don't know if you see these lips. You know what I mean, but I'm pretty good at this. But it sucks, because now I can't, I was like, I'll take Max up here, me and Don will walk up here. I don't wanna go up there not because I'm afraid of the gay guys I was like, I'll take Max up here. Me and Dawn will walk up here. I don't want to go up there not because I'm afraid of the gay guys, I just don't want to ruin it for them and just bring a family and a Bernadoodle

and they're trying to get off in the woods. Why'd you bring your dog? Like he just needs exercise, I gotta multitask. I gotta tell the wife something or something like that. I got a bag of dog shit in my hand and a Bernadoodle, I'm just blowing an old guy. Cool, look. Yeah, it's pretty, there's a bunch of those spots. Yeah, it's crazy. I never knew about them either until a bag of dog shit in my hand and a Bernadu and I'm just blowing an old guy. Yeah, it's pretty, there's a bunch of those spots.

I never knew about him either until a friend of mine, back in Boston, I lived off of Revere Beach and a friend of mine, who's a comic, nobody knew he was gay. All of a sudden he came out to a few of us. Patrice. Yeah, Patrice was gay, dude. Wow. It was nuts.

Bombshell. Yeah, he was gay. He was gayer than anybody I ever met. Wow. Yeah, and he loved gay gay sex. Whoa. I mean, hot gay sex. Is there any other kind?

No, there isn't. That's why when he traveled with a bag of dildos, it wasn't for, it was for him. It was for him, yeah. It was for him. And flexible, too. He showed me photos. He was flexible.

Yeah, he was very flexible. He was like, rerun? Yeah, yeah, and flexible too. He showed me photos. He was flexible. Yeah, he was very flexible. He was like rerun? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you get a flip and a split right in your dick. Rerun was the original Lizzo. Throwing it out there. Throwing it out there. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But. I mean, right? Big orange outfit too. Speaking of fat chicks, did you see the, I follow these fat girls, what's the name of them, Lou?

Plus size park hoppers. So these girls on Instagram, I follow plus size, they go to parks and they try to ride the rides. Just to get turned away so they can bitch? No, they don't really bitch about it, but it's now at all the parks. They're falling through. All the parks have fatso testers.

So, and look it, as an old fat guy, I appreciate this, because there's nothing like waiting in an hour line, getting to the front with your kid and your wife, and then having them, having to fight with them. You know, you stay on, no, we'll come with, just stay the fuck on the ride. Just don't make a scene. You're making a fucking scene,

just stay on the fucking ride, enjoy yourself. I don't wanna go without you. You're going without me, because that's too fat. I'm not going. Yeah, I've had many of those grind your teeth arguments with Don and Max. Oh, look at this.

They have, and so. They're really married Todd Lincoln type. In front of the ride. Here's the funny part about this though, is that I didn't know there was, you don't even consider this, there's different type fats. So there's upper fat and then there's lower fat and then there's both.

And then there's a mixture of all kinds of fats. So one of the girls almost fits, she fits in the seat, but her upper fat can't close it. This girl is bottom fat, she can't even fit in the fucking seat. So you jump in this seat and you have to pull it and the light has to go green, or you can't go in the line to ride the ride. I bet sometimes they're just like, I'm not leaving.

Well, we're not taking off. You're not locked in. I think that they should actually, if it doesn't go green, an alarm goes off and popcorn shoots out of the top. And they could get, yeah. A trail of popcorn out to the... Green is good, red is fat. Oh my God.

Green is good, red is fat, but they should get some type of gift. Some type of chocolate peanut should fall from the sky. I've only seen a height thing. I've never seen a fat thing. Oh, no, no, no. A side to side thing. Because back in the day, we weren't fat. They weren't to side thing. Because back in the day we weren't fat.

We weren't this fat. Back in the day when we ate real food like the rest of the world, we weren't fat fucks. A different kind of thing. I mean planes, you go to an old theater, those seats are made for the way we used to be. I complained once on a plane to Australia.

I put my stuff down and there was a guy that was like way bigger than old you, Ralphie size. Wow, that's big. Yeah, and I'm like, hi, how you doing? I'm going to the bathroom, excuse me one second. And I just went to the stewardess. It's 13 hours and I was like, hey listen, I did. Quietly, I did it quietly.

There's nothing quiet about that. No, it wasn't right next to him. It was like down to the galley. Good time. Yep. And I said, hey, I can't. Galley's not a big word. This guy's pouring over. Galley's not a big word. I'm not gonna to the galley, good time. Good time. And I said, hey, I can't. This guy's pouring over. Galley's not a big word, I'm not gonna give you galley.

Good word. It's an all right word. When's the last time you used galley? Moving on. All right, cool, you're right. And I was like, I can't, no way, he's so big. And she was like, well, sir, I don't, where are you sitting?

And she went, Lois came back, she goes, all right, we'll find you another seat. No. Yeah. I was like, just do it quietly and politely. Lois came back, she goes, all right, we'll find you another seat. No. Yeah. I was like, just do it quietly and politely. You never went back to your seat? No. Can I tell you what that fat guy did?

Poked up the armrest. Right. So happy. You made him happy. Yeah. You did. You made his fucking life when he got to pull up that armrest

and have his side gut. Oh, and you know he's like, when they come around to food, they're like, oh, he's in the bathroom, he said he wants the chicken. Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I'll take the steak, but he said he wanted the chicken.

Let me tell you something, you never see fat people go to sleep at the beginning of a flight. They'll have toothpicks in their eyes waiting for that meal. Yeah, yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Hey, if I'm sleeping, do wake me up. Yeah.

I, but you know what? I was looking at you, dude. Yeah. Like, there's fat, like disgusting, but then there's this thin disgusting too. I'm not thin disgusting. I'm 20 pounds overweight right now. Yeah, but when you, like, when you were thin,

Yeah. you, like, when you took your shirt off, it was like propaganda footage. Thin Ari. Yeah, Thin Ari is not. Back from Southeast Asia, I was probably 20 pounds underweight. I'd rather be Colombian drug lord fat dude, shirtless,

than propaganda 1940s thin. You look like GIs should be giving you rations. Yeah, you look like, yeah. Whatever they have on them. Yeah, you're in a big. Eat slowly, eat slowly, we've lost too many people already. Yeah, you were playing Russian roulette in Vietnam for like seven months.

Yeah, like skinny, too skinny's not good either, man. Too skinny's not good. Yeah, you were like, you know what I mean? Would you rather be too fat or too skinny? Too skinny. Why? Less health problems and also less gross. I just wear big baggy clothes. I think too skinny is grosser. No, that's crazy. I think too skinny is grosser. That's gross, yeah, you're wrong.

Well, you know what? You're wrong in my eyes. No too skinny person is being told you can't go on the ride. Can you bring up a too skinny person? It's disgusting. Yeah, but they're not going on the ride, but they go on the ride and people are all worried about them. It's disgusting.

But they go on. Yeah, but it's gross. I'm saying shirtless. If you're not going on the ride, you're not going to be able to go on the ride. I'm saying they're not going on the ride, but they go on the ride and people are all worried about them, it's disgusting. But they go on. Yeah, but it's gross. I'm saying shirtless. If you saw a too skinny shirtless,

you'd be like, ugh, gross. Sure, sure. Right? Yeah. But too fat, it's kind of fun. Fat is fun. You see a fat guy, you're like, look at this fucking guy. You see a too skinny, you're like, oh Jesus Christ.

Something wrong with that person. You see a- I mean you're like, oh Jesus Christ, something wrong with that person. You see a- I mean, but she's old, that's her problem. But that's a hock to a girl? That's a little- That's just- That's a little much. But okay, but show me someone who's fucking

that version of that but fat. Yeah, show fat. Just show fat fat. I mean, but that's crazy skinny. Type in fatty fat fats. Yeah, okay. That's fun, that's crazy skinny. Type in fatty fat fats. Yeah, okay. That's fun, that's fun. No, what fun?

What fun are you having with that? All right, you're gonna walk in a room with that and you're gonna be like, look at this. Who's walking in the room? She's not walking in the room. We are, she's sitting. You're walking. Explain what we're seeing. You're looking at a-

People you have to break the wall to get them. Yeah, if they had to leave, you'd have to cut a wall down. You're looking, I mean mean she has a stomach on top of a stomach in front of her knees. Oh, it's that triple leg She has she has that guy in the middle. He's he's in the right a group right now He looks not bad. Okay that front butt through a shirt. Is there anything more adorable than a Asian fat fat guy? That's Bert Yeah, it's Burt. Look at his face, look at his beard. Look at everything.

It's not, it's slightly not him. Dude, fat guys, fat people shirtless is cuter and fun. I think when you see them, it's like, ha ha ha. When you see a skinny. You feel bad for them. When you see a skinny person shirtless, it's like, oh shit, something fucking wrong. Who do you wanna be sitting next to on the plane?

All right, well, I mean, conversation wise, the fat person. The fat person. That's gonna be jolly, insecure, talking about anything. From the aisle where you'll be standing talking to them. Yeah, from you, you piece of shit. Yeah, I, when I used to go on the plane, I used to feel bad for people, man, when I was too heavy, it was terrible.

It does suck when it's like, something I have to do, I can't help it, it's gonna impose on you guys, but it's like, I'm sorry, I'm doing, or like when you're making like a left turn, you're like, I'm not going all the way down to BQE and then coming all the way back for 30 minutes, I'm just making the illegal turn.

I actually used to stick my arms in my sleeves so that my fat would be contained. I had fat tricks. I used to stick my- That's actually fat would be contained. Wow. I had fat tricks. I used to stick my- That's actually, I mean admirable. It is admirable. I've had to sit next to people where I'm literally, I have to sit on an angle for an entire plane ride.

And you see the line. And you're miserable. There's a middle line where it's like both seats, it's open between both seats, but then there's like, you're clearly over my side here. Yeah. This is illegal. Yeah, this lady.

Oh yeah, no, definitely wear the mask. Well, she has a CPAP machine. I think that's oxygen. She'll die if she doesn't have that. That's sad when you're on the plane with oxygen. Oh, and the coach. The flying and coach. You have to buy two seats, man.

Two seats. You have to buy two seats. Buy four and take those front two out. I mean, she can't even put her tray table down. She cannot put her tray table down. How is she gonna eat? On her tits. Same way she always eats on her tits. On her tits, man.

Over the sink. Just bring me a sink. Yeah. I like it. Put hot fat chicks. Let's see what comes up. There is hot fat chicks. They're proportioned.

You know what, to learn how to joke, he goes, you ever see like a really attractive hot chick? Yeah, me neither, lose weight, they're gross. That's not bad. I like a chubby chick. You ever been with a fat chick? Yes, little shake, black little shake in his head. Absolutely.

Yeah. Chubby, not fat like that. I've been like, okay, they black Louis shaking his head. Absolutely. Yeah. Chubby, not fat like that. I've been like, okay, they got some pounds on them. I always get harder for a little chubby chick too, but I don't wanna do it. My dick's wrong. I like a big, I've been with some chubby girls. I like a chubby girl, I like proportionate chubby.

I don't like a chubby girl with small little A-cup titties where the fat never made it to the tits. You know what I mean? That's like God hates them. I mean, that's just terrible. Look at that black check on the right. If you scroll down a little bit, she looks totally fine above the waist.

Yeah, the little thin waist. You know, if you cut out just that waist, it's like she doesn't look nearly as big. Scroll down a little bit, let me see some more fatties. I like a chubby girl like that. Ooh, ee. Not that, not that, not that. Jesus.

Yeah, that's, he's a Jesus. Jesus, yeah. Jesus had nothing to do with that. That was the devil incarnate. I mean, that's just big. Yeah. I mean, if your girl wound up getting fat like that, if you got married someday, right?

And you wind up just hanging out and she just gets fat fat, are you gonna? That's great, you could cheat from the fucking living room. She can't go in there. What's going on, just watching porn. They're saying your name. Yeah, I know, it's specialized porn. Would you get her to lose weight?

Yeah, I'd use every shame at my disposal. I remember you came to me at my fattest and you went, hey man, do you want me to shame you into losing weight? I was like, something had to be done. I was like, what? He goes, I'll go on podcasts and I'll shame you into losing weight until you feel so bad about yourself

that you'll lose weight or kill yourself. Well yeah, we needed to do something. You had to shift from where we were. You're the only one that actually came up with your version of a solution to help me. People are like, just eat salads and stuff. I'm like, you guys are idiots. Everybody else talked behind my back how fat I was

and said nothing to me. Ari was like, I'll shame you on Roman. This guy cares. This guy cares. You do care. That's why I love you, Ari. And that's why me and you, we're going to Cuba. Yeah.

We're going to Cuba, baby. We're doing a gig in Miami. Is that happening? I hope so. We gotta get it done. We're gonna do one gig in Miami on the Sunday night. What night is it? The third.

November 3rd, before the election. November 3rd. Whatever the Sunday is. We're gonna put together one show. Put together. What's that? What's wrong with put together? What? Put a show, yeah. What?

All right. Well, we're not going to say a better word. It's two guys. Put together. Put together a show implies a bunch of different groups and themes and stuff. Well, we're going to have our agents do it. There's a bunch of people involved. Yeah.

What, make a gig? We're going to do a gig, yeah. We're going to schedule something. Schedule? Put together a show sounds like it's a variety kind of thing. We're going to put together a night. I mean, we are going up a standup, and then we're going to some. Schedule? Put together a show sounds like it's like a variety kind of thing. We're gonna put together a night. I mean, we are going up a standup and then we're gonna go up at the end together.

We're putting it together. Yeah, right. We're putting it together. We're gonna put together a show in Miami. It feels wrong, buddy. Well, here's why it is. We're not getting booked. We're making it happen.

Oh. We're making it happen. Right, you mean like all shows? So we're put, no. Your agent comes to you and booked, we're making it happen. We're making it happen. Right, you mean like all shows? So we're put, no. Your agent comes to you and says, hey, Ari, you wanna do the show? And you go, yeah or no? Yeah, put it together.

We're putting it together. I'm putting it together. But we put it, we came up with the idea, we came up with the town, we came up with the time, we came up with how many shows, we came up with who's gonna go where and what. It is literally the only way I would go to Miami is to make a Cuba trip tax deductible.

I would never play that town. God, I hate them so much. You don't like Miami? No. I love Miami. No, I hate the crowds are dumb. Oh, I love a dumb crowd. I love Cuban people. Cuban people are my favorite.

Cuban I'll go, but Cubans you escaped? It's not it's a blend of co-Cuba and trans. I love trans. It's just it doesn't come together well. I love a nice job. Cubans and trans in a crowd. How great would that be? A couple fucking skank fans, some bonfire fans. That's a great show. He's dancing right now. But we're gonna talk about our Cuba trip when we come back. We're gonna be going for, I think, six days, me and you, off the grid.

Let's try it. Communist country. Yeah. During the election. We're leaving the election, so I don't have to hear about it. We're leaving the country, so we don't have to fucking hear about it talk about it

We're gonna be smoking bats. Yeah, Ryan Hamilton asked me. I said was like why Bobby like then I'm like then is more my idea Cuba's Bobby's thing. Yeah, but we're coming together. Why don't you tell Ryan to shut the fuck up and mind his business? Oh, okay, I get bring cigars back. We're gonna bring cigars back only bring one you can bring it you can bring 50 each We're gonna bring cigars back. You can only bring one. You can bring a bit. 50. You can bring 50 each. Okay.

50 each. Which is two boxes each, and we're gonna smoke a lot, we're gonna drink. Let's bring some Philly's Blunts over there and trade. No, we're not doing that. Maybe they'll need it desperately. All right, we'll be right back. Wait, wait, you're cutting off the one minority.

I'm reading it right now. I was segwaying, dude. Okay, spell it. Segwaying? Yeah, you can spell it. S-E-G-W-A-Y-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E you can spell it. S-E-G-W-A-Y-I-N-G. No, it's not. Segueing. Alright, segue away. Segueing. Segue. You're a f- I hate nerd talk. She-you-wee. Yeah, go ahead. I hate you and your stupid, you and your smart parents that are still together. Go fuck yourself. You Should have been another, you should have been a lawyer or a doctor. I mean, they tell me all the time.

Ari Shaffir, a new travel podcast. UB Trippin is available now on YouTube slash UB Trippin pod. Check him out. YouTube, Spotify, everywhere. Guess who's on next week? Joey Diaz is on this, this week. Yeah.

Who's on next week? Guy in this chair. Big Jay Okerson. Big Jay's on next week? Joey Diaz on this this week. Yeah, who's on next week? guy in this chair Big Jay Okerson. Big Jay's on. Yeah, and guess who's gonna be on from Cuba. From Cuba we're gonna do one and that's That's it. That's where you should be tripping should be done in other countries. Yeah, that'll be great We're gonna be talking about it in another country You can check out Big Jay Okerson Omaha Funny Bones September 20 and 21st. After that, he'll be at Skank Fest, Spokane, Poughkeepsie, St. Louis, for tickets and all of the tour dates, bigjcomedy.com.

He's away today, but he'll be back tomorrow. The great Big J Oakeson. Check him out. Bobby, but you got dates, though. I got dates. No one understands that you have dates. I have a lot of dates. Are you going to Hilaries in Cleveland, September?

This Friday, this weekend. This weekend, 20th, 21st, great club. That's September. It's gonna be. That's it's gonna be greater now It's gonna be greater now one of my favorite clubs. Well, it's gang Coho's yeah, where's that? It's a theater up-and-state New York, okay All you do is go to punch up dot live slash Robert Kelly all my dates come up there where I am and And if you're not on the road, you can see him every Tuesday here in New York at the Fat Black Pussycat Lounge you can see him every

week yeah Bobby Kelly's working on new material no an hour with Bobby Kelly yeah nice yeah new material hour with Bobby Kelly it's the bonfire