The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Busboy Love (feat. Lauren Compton)

Episode Date: August 16, 2023

Playboy model and comic Lauren Compton stuns the room with her beauty.

I'm Bobby Kelly and it's Big J. Ocarson. We're actually a full radio show on Series XM, not just a podcast. For full episodes of the Bonfire, you can listen on the Series XM app. Go to seriesexm.com slash Bonfire for a special offer. And now the Bonfire with Big J. Ocarson and Robert Kelly. Damn. That's a short song. Oh shit, that's it. How long's that song, though? That's only three minutes and 13 seconds.

That was longer than I thought. We really make a nice meal out of it when we start the show. Hey, Big Jim. Hey, Big Jim. Shout out, Jim. Hey, Big Jim. What? Big Jim. Hey, Big Jim. Shout out, Jim. Hey, Big Jim. What, so we played a whole song? It's a short song.

It's my big Jim. Before you come down to anybody. It's my song. It's a big on your wagon that fingered everyone's face. It's a whole song. It was a whole song. For context, I had to do a Skadoosie. Yeah.

I had to drop a Skadoosie. I had to sneak by Jacob. Jacob was at the urinal. And I didn't want him to see me. I saw you out of the corner, my eye, but I pretended that I didn't. I just walked. Jacob is the duty police. I mean, I really, I really just went by you.

I tipped him by you. I thought I'd go by you. Jacob was at the urinal. He was at the urinal. I can't believe you didn't. If I saw Jacob at a urinal, He was at the urinal. I can't believe you didn't if I saw Jacob at a urinal and Jacob Just be aware of this if I see you ever In in motion pissing at a urinal. I'm gonna come up and do what I do which I'm gonna rub your shoulders

I'm gonna hold your waist at one point. It's so funny to me. I used to do that the soda all that he does not like it at all I wouldn't do that here because someone else did this here had a successful show. And now they're on a beach. Did he touch somebody in the bathroom? No, no. Oh no, what was that? The photo of something. Something, yeah.

I was in the bathroom. None of the people here do we can say all of it. I fuck them. Took a photo of someone taking a tankel. Yeah. Something. We're dumb. I don't know. I was, I, I went, I got in the stall

and I started giggling because I made it past Jacob. No. I was so happy. You did. You knew. Wow, did you hear his first blast off? No, no, I left. I didn't want, I wanted to give him his time.

Because I, I didn't want to be uncomfortable anymore than you did. So I pretended that I didn't see you. I heard the, but I know what you're, I heard your stream. I know what you did. You know what that I didn't see you. I heard the, but I heard your stream. I know what you did. You know what I did. Yeah, I had to. I had no choice.

I ate that assaible. It went right through me. It fired through it. It went through me. Bobby took his last bite, put the lid on and said, I have to skiddoze. I have to skiddoze. I was in there.

I guess what was in there too. I angered a chop it up. Oh, the hang hanger in here. No, it was toilet paper rolls, one on top of each other. The way it should be. Out of the loose. Loose, one medium, one small outside of the container, the way it should be.

No problem with that. I'll tell you what, I see the container the way it should be. No problem with that. I'll tell you what, I see the container where it like, it's that huge roll of toilet paper and that big fucking machine at spool. Oh, I hate that. I'm like this is gonna take forever. You have to slow, like, it's almost like there. Cause if it breaks off too high inside,

you're now you're looking for the end and you're touching so much. It's like, it breaks off too high inside. You're now you're looking for the end and you're touching so much. It's like, it's like defusing a bomb when you have that big roll because you have to slowly pull it out and because at any point, if you break that too high, you're fucked. Because then you have to spin and then you'll spin

and it will somehow magically go back into its own self. And you pull fast, it's over. You can't find the little seam and then you have to go the other way and then hopefully it will unwrap. It'll bunch up a bit and you can kind of grab that. I hate it. It's always way low also by the way. Yeah, it's way low.

And it's the worst quality toilet paper. It's like the thinnest, you're wiping your bum. There should be a legal standard of toilet paper. For, I don't care about like napkins when you dry your hand. When you're wiping your bum, I don't want my knuckle to maybe go through it. Yeah, don't make me wipe my hands and ask for the paper bag.

Make one of them good. This is why they're both ever you are wrong. Okay. I understand about you You want to do this whole loose roll at home fun, but when you're taking a loose roll that's in the public stall you're touching a roll that has Multiple duty fingers all over now false. No, No, guys have been shitting and wiping all day and now you're grabbing the same roll and taking that paper. Take that, I finger blast the roller itself and use that as the roller.

I'm not touching. You don't touch the toilet paper, you use your finger as the roller paper holder. You stick your fingers in the hole and wrap around your hand. Oh, nobody else thought of that. They're all doing the same thing. Good. None of us are touching or poop. I mean, me what? Well, Jacob, you got to consider the hand you're holding the toilet paper roll with isn't your your shit wiping hand is

going to be the other hand. I don't know. You know, they're not European or something. What does it mean? Maybe they do a different the river's hand. I don't know, they're not European or something. What does it mean? Maybe they do a different, the rivers hand. I don't know what you mean. But either way, you're only one hand wiping your ass, but the other hand's not touching shit. So you'd rather the toilet paper be inside the container and you have to pull it from out out of there.

Yeah, they look on the spindle, yeah. How many slices of toilet paper do you pull off in a clip? You, you, you're archaic, I told you this i don't know how you try to you still think you're you're progressive and you're you're leading the way in and and i'm telling you you don't there's no such thing as wiping anymore what the fuck did you say he really gives me uh... he gives me a talking to about this you know why i'm at home i have the bidet The bidet does the work. You're just

drying. All right. Listen, buddy. Dry. I dry, Bobby. Bobby, but don't talk to me like I'm I I had a bidet when it was gay. Yeah. I had a bidet when my friends are come over to do it. You have sex with men. Why? Because you shoot water in your asshole. That's why to make sure there's no poop in there for dicks to go. Yeah, I had a fight for Badei freedom. I did a gay pride Badei day parade. Bobby led the chart. Bobby was the first brave customer. Yes. Your co-host will give a speech about how awesome he is because he uses seven wipes. Seven. Or whatever he uses. Seven. He's got a, he's tell you brags about sticking a finger up, up his ass to get everything like that's necessary. In the shower. It's going to make me dump. Hearing this. Yeah. I mean, I thought you

white before you use the bidet. That was like a finisher. You don't wipe at all. Get a load of her. I see. I'll just tell you what guys, I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed on her behalf I live in a house with that I mean with that kind of thinking I don't know why would you waste your time wiping first? What's the point Christine say it again? To it again Christine for the people listening go ahead Christine you they heard me no do one more time come on You don't I really did I thought you play one with the show. I didn't know that it completely replaced it. Yeah Yeah, you mean cleaning your asshole with a stream of water

Yeah, it does not completely replace it. What do you mean it 100% replaces it? Yeah, you don't need to do anything else. We'll be sparkling clean not for this guy Yes for this guy dude. I've learned to open my asshole up like a dolphin you swallowed him and The water goes in and cleans everything off of everything You sure you think you literally give a child cough syrup out of my asshole I listen I'm with you. That's how I would say no, maybe I want to change that out Like that no, what I would feel comfortable. Sorry. It's made that from the replay.

Okay, I don't think we play a game. Yes. We get some kind of like a homeless person here, and we give each other, we each take an anima, and then we shit it back out into this person's mouth, and they let us know who's got cleaner water coming out of the rest. Amen. Amen.

Why don't we do this? Why don't we do this? Why don't we do that? That was because yours. That was because of yours. You see, you know, I'm a throw up dude, please. I'm an involvement too. Don't play that. I'm a throw up.

I just did a whole ass able and I'm on the verge of dumping. Not that one. I can take that one. It's the other one. I'm so glad we're not taking those epic tonight. What? I'm so glad we're not taking those epic tonight. She's bringing it up again dude. She keeps bringing it up hoping that I'm so glad we're not taking oz empec tonight. She's bringing it up again, dude She keeps bringing it up hoping that I she's up making I'm gonna turn around and convince her because she already wants to do it again

That's not true. Yeah, you know, no, I feel you do you know what I got her last night too Christine was naked lying across the bed, and I went you're looking good And I now she's like it's only because of both epic, and now we're gonna get off of it. Damn. I hope, I hope when you get off of it, you guys balloon up. I hope you get to see Daddy.

I hope he becomes 70% fatter than you guys ever were. I'll go right back on it. I hope, I'll just throw up every day forever. I hope I But I hope it happens like in a like three days like something. There's an outside shot That tonight at like one in the morning me and Christina are like teary-eyed and like stabbing each other in the stomach with needles I mean we didn't throw it out But Christine's you guys are pretty Christine could have just thrown it out, but we didn't throw it out. But Christine's throwing it out. Christine could have just thrown it out,

but she hasn't thrown it out. So you're not gonna throw it. You're gonna keep it just in case. I'll tell you what I would do. That'd be funny if she's tricking you into being fat again and she's just gonna shred. She's just gonna stay on it. Oh, yeah, Christine doesn't want me hot.

She's just gonna want it moving to a Justin. Christine doesn't want me hot, if she could, she's fine with me like this, but she doesn't want other people to She's gonna want it moving to a Justin. Christine doesn't want me hot. She could, she's fine with me like this, but she doesn't want other people to get a slice of the pie. I don't know though, maybe. I'm glad you're getting off. I don't think we're taking it.

There's too much, there's too much here coming out about this drug. That it scares the hell out of you. This one particular juice. It's, you there's too much shit coming out about this drug. That it scares the hell. This one particular just it's you guys get it off because they this it's medication for diabetics. All right. Just say it like diabetics are fucking shitty people. No, they're all every one of them are pieces of shit. It's medication for the fat people. If you have type two diabetes, you're a piece of shit. And if I get it, I'm a piece of shit. Are you pre-diabetic? No.

No, nothing. I said that wrong. No, I said that as a me. But every time I've gone to get blood work done, I'm like, that's what they're gonna come back and say, like, because I know type two diabetes is the fat kind. And I'm like, oh, I'm gonna get that. So you can just by the way,

because not also because of like, I never even thought I was like, oh, I'm gonna get that. So you get to spy away, because not also because of like, I never even thought I was like so gigantic for sure, at least especially in the last 10 years or so, because I was bigger before that. But when I've gone for blood work, I'm like, I'm still big. You know, I mean, I'm always like, you know, in the high 200s. So it's like, let me go kind of prepared

that maybe I'm gonna be pre-divided and they get to me, I gotta change things. Cause like, it wasn't that, it wasn't eating like healthy. It was just more, I I'm gonna be pre-dubbing and they get told me I gotta change things. Cause like it wasn't that, it wasn't eating like healthy. It was just more I thought I'd be pre-dubbing because I'm like I'll eat cookies and I'll have cake, you know, like, and being a fat guy, you're like, let's get put out, I've never, I've, how old are you?

I've wanted to be found pre-dubbing at times where they would give me something. Somebody's in the phone. What is it? What is it? Sounds like a lie. I think it sounds like a lie. I'll listen. I have Richard Florida on the line. Richard Florida on the line.

You're on the bomb fire. You're crackle crackle with the bonfire. Throw your log on. I'm always trying to find different ways to introduce the audience what they call it. Hey, throw your log on the fire. Hi, how are you? Hey, what's up, buddy? Make your smores. Hey, Hey,

pull up a pull up and I don't know. I'm chair. You're at the bonfire. Yeah, let's get the mosquitoes away. Come on, you're on the bonfire. Go ahead, Rich. I'm sorry. We just wanted to keep introducing you on the bonfire. Well, I just wanted to let you all know that I've been on a Zemphic sick as a dog for six months. The doctor prescribed, you know, the my initial dose was 2.0 from the get go and never. And but I just found out yesterday from my wife, I told her that I'm not going to take a normal because I'm sick of being sick and throwing up and and all of the other shit that comes with it and i found out that there's lizard venom in it

nice oh wait that's bad news is that what's that is that's what Charlie sheen took yeah right is that why i've been able to climb on the ceiling um is that why i cut christines arm off in a grew back during the break? Yeah, Christine tail keeps growing back. Christine, but look that up on the internet there. Please and see if there's any or if that's like internet rumor. Please let this be true.

There is. There is. This gala monster, a venomous lizard of southern US origin is laying the groundwork for the development of promising diabetes medications including o's Zampic. Look at that. Jay, the Gila Monster. Oh, so what? You can't put a little gila- oh, you're better than a gila monster all of a sudden? It's all got creatures.

So we did the pre-show, we had to cut out this. Jay kept going, dude, a great time this week, huh? Is that a fly? Is that a fly? The key one. Can I see what a picture of a Gila monster? I don't see this thing I got inside of me. How could you see me? Chris, he just became the serious XM wall.

The Gila monster. Is he still on the phone? Brian, you still there? Yeah, I'm here. Hey, how much weight did you look on the phone Ryan you still there? Hey, how much weight did you look at your question? Is that a lot of Is your dosage was that a high dosage or a low dosage? It's very high. It's like it's high It's high It's what we just moved to start me at a low dose and do gradual increases it was just 2.0 you know

what for you know you get the pin needles and it's just set it to two and you slam it in and then you're sick. Yeah it sounds fine. He's not long. He's not long. Well he's not long most of it that's the level that we just were on this last week. And I felt rotten, 100% of the time, since I've taken it. So they've taken it.

How fat is that? And he's on it for six months and he's still feeling that way. So I feel like that's, I feel like why I wasn't told that that's part of like the plan. I feel like that's the plan. It makes you like, when you think about, every time you eat in Christine or even like,

hey, we just get some dinner and I told her food. Almost every time now, Christine throws up before it gets there. I think from the thought of it. And as we're ordering it, I'm going, as we're ordering it, I'm going like, I know I like that thing, but. You know you got to do every day before you're going to eat, just take them like a teaspoon of cat shit.

How do you do that? You have the same results? I mean, you're not wrong. I mean, I literally reordered food last night and I was like, oh, hang on, I have to go vomit. Before we eat. And then I paused the show we're watching, so I just hear Christine go,

and then she comes out. And then she comes out. And then my insides are hurting. Yeah, she's missing the back row of teeth. Buddy, I feel so good. I'm so limp as a person. Right now, is this guy's name Richard? Ryan. Ryan. Oh, Richard. Oh, Richard. You're fucking ass. I'm pretty sure that says, what did I say over there? Rich. Hey, Richie, Richie, Richie, you from Boston? I am. yeah. How much how much weight were you?

How fat were you? I was 340 and I'm down to 295. Jacob that's rude. And that's Jacob that's not funny. That's not funny at all. But I will tell you with that 50 pounds loss and you're ready to get off of it because even though you know, you know, obviously you want to lose more weight, but I think he's having the same thing. I'm just like, I want to lose. I still need to lose significantly more weight,

but I don't know if this is the way. I do. I would love to lose more weight, but I'm sick of being sick. Yeah, what's the point of everyone saying? That's what I felt like, even last night, everyone saying like, dude, it's really working. You're looking good I'm like well, I feel horrible Well, that should be their new slogan sick of being sick Hey, it's a good time. It's a good time. It's epic for as long as you can hang in there I'm gonna hang in for five more pounds just to get to 20 but Christine don't. You're not supposed to throw up every day.

Every day, that's not nauseous or have indigestion or imbibing. I'm, I mean, you live in the life. You're living the life. Our last scout, I had to run off from the mom museum and run off like at the casinos to go throw up. By the way, you're living the life. You're living the life of a model.

You're just not, you don't have the body to have. You just not, you know, of the body type. You know, it's funny, Bobby, I did leave this out the other day. Remember where I told you yesterday that we were, that we were snuggling in bed the other night. We were big spoon, little spoon. What I did leave out though, while it was sexy for a while, the thing that did break it up is at one point.

You're breath. No, it wasn't me on this one. And it wasn't smell at all. It was just the thing of, I have my arm and leg over Christine cuddling her and I just feel a leg there and she goes, oh, I was like, come on man. Like the body jerk of that are going, that other day when Butterly was in here at like 615,

I started to feel like I had to throw up and then on the break, I went to go throw up. Like, it it I know what the brunt is what's the It's the burping into her mouth and then getting out in the world I was asleep I was sleep burping. No, she wasn't sleep burping. Nope. Oh, I wasn't no because I was like Jesus Christ and she goes Sorry, well I also was a fucking binge drinker for a decade and used to throw up every night. So like, my stomach's already not great. So this is fun.

This is nothing to you. I mean, it really makes me, it feels like home, honestly. Feels like the old days. Is it fucked up to say out loud and admit that I'm worried about getting off of O's Ampick because Christine's going to get off it and then she's going to get really big? Oh. I mean, you know, I'm a guy at the end of the day,

it all flushes out fine for me. That's the one thing I was. I did, I did put on weight, I put on like 20 pounds, and I'm happy to have gotten some of it off, but now that I kinda have this jumpstart, I feel like with diet and exercise, I can take care of the rest. Without end throwing up.

And maybe vomiting still. Yeah, maybe bulimia. Maybe throw the bulimian. And it's just given me an eating disorder. I'm an anorexic and bulimic. Me and Christina are also quietly both sort of opens. They go, you know, it takes five weeks to get out of your system.

And it's almost like three more five weeks without taking it. I'll feel shitty, but I'll lose some more weight. But then I'm off of it. Dude, you are gonna be all right. This, no, you're not. Taking it that I'll feel shitty, but I'll lose some more weight, but then I'm off of it. Dude. Yeah. You are going to be all right. This, oh no, you're not. This is a Zampic.

There's so much shit coming out against this drug. You know the good sign, the good sign that a exemptic exists. You have heela monster in you. That's fucking rich, you're there. So what? Um, Richard, you're there? I think he's going. Oh, hang up.

I was, that was here. I don't know. Hey there, Richard. We're here. Oh Hang up. I was Hey, buddy just check it. We're just checking it and jump on your back one hole. They put him back on hold. All right, buddy Just check it. Make sure you still there's a He's got leds it Joe's dude One guy said I think you guys are taking it wrong. That's what you feel sick. How could that be possible? I don't want to take it different. He's supposed to pour it wrong, that's why you feel sick. How could that be possible? Just don't wait to take it. It's different. You're supposed to pour it into each other's assholes. How are you doing it?

I mean, we're injecting each other in our kitchen. It's crazy. Fuck it, nuts. It's pretty hot. I feel like sitting there. I think it's a lower dose. Huh? That still makes me sick.

For Christie, I'm telling you. I'm telling you, you could easily get me to dial back a dose and stay on this for sure For sure I got dial back a dose because I'm telling you I never Considered quitting it until this week and this week. I'm like I won't feel like this. I'm not traveling this weekend I have to go to like toll-soaked. I'm not feeling like that. There's no way. I just I'll be miserable. You'll go You're not going. No, I am going. You gotta go. I'm. I'm not feeling like that. There's no way. I'll be miserable. You're going? You're not going. No, I am going. He's not going.

I'm saying I'm not taking those amperes. I'm not acting. You can skip a week and come back to it though. But you can skip a week and come back. I can. Sure, they tell you. You guys are fucking evil. You're addicted.

But I'll tell you how bad. No, it's so I want to be skittin'. I'll tell you how bad. I'll tell you how bad they should just do. I'll tell you how bad they should just do. I'm about to skip this like 30 pounds thinner. Like hi everybody. What I saw.

My name is Christian. I have a Zamb that Christian. I have three teeth last but it's I've picked on my teeth. I have an eight and then like three weeks I'm two weeks of fuck but Yeah, I can't fuck you because I'll get hurt My bones are brittle. Yeah, don't bump into man. I can't walk downstairs I feel fucking awesome I have more of these jeans since I was fucking Rock and body and the voice of an angel to the very end true that I don't know I'd call her rock and body rock and body

From heroin. She had the same ass as fucking Mick Jagger fuck her. She's a little flat ass Yeah, she always looks like walking deaf. She actually was grotesque Jacob. Nice call. She had big tits and a goof face. Huh? She did. She had that. She was gone. She was thin, but she was not. She did not have a rock. She was emaciated. She just had big tits. Not remembering. Well, that's something. I mean, that's a good part of the body, but it's not a rock and body. Can you pull up a yeah, she did not have a rock and a tits. That well that that that that rock my world at all we have a lot of college what what all the college calling info um they're all

telling us for you're gonna die terrible things about a semper you're gonna die but rich I will say uh I text my doctor didn't get back to me and I asked him back possibly going back to the lower dose but because he's dead he was a semper but I want to he was. He's a full lizard right now in the office. The next is how they make this is how they make super villains. Yeah, his partner just put him in a fucking into a glass cage.

He goes, wait, they injected me with radioactive ozampic radioactive. Now I have guile monster powers. You guys have fucking guile monster juice in your vans. Christine, we got to get out. Even if we do, but I'll tell you, somebody else was pushing Mungaro on me this weekend. Who's that?

Not pushing, a couple that was telling me they're on that and they go, switch over to that. The guy goes, I'm on the highest dose. He goes, you take it, you're sick for one day. That's like, man, it shouldn't have to be your sick plus. I didn't overthink and never gave a shit about it when they were like, it also takes away bone density and muscle. And I'm feeling that and that's not worth it.

I hope you go on stage this weekend and you'll fuck it on. It's break-a-hit. Your arm breaks. I mean, I was ready to quit. You can have the microphone in your shop. You can have the microphone in your shop. Oh, God. I was ready to quit like four weeks ago.

I was. I hope you to quit like four weeks ago. I was, I hope you high five Ari on your stupid special arm. I'll snap your arm off. I'm funny with that being. Hey. Oh. Oh, what are you, what kind of creature are you are, you sure fear? Where do you get those crazy high fives from?

I was swearing up and down to my friend Michelle that I was quitting like four weeks ago, and then she asked me if I'd weighed myself, and I went to weigh myself, and I'd lost 10 pounds, and I was like, I'll stay on it. Now I'm down 14.8. It's really hard to like quit something that you're seeing results from, but I am sick all the time.

I'm gonna give it to Christine or sleep. I'm gonna give it to you. Just give it to her, it's right in her belly You go to jail for making her It's like I still feel sick. It's not working. It's quitting. It's not working I broke my finger again on the elevator What's happening my ankles broke on the step again? I mean I was in profit. I haven't worked out months Couldn't possibly. How come you're not wearing yourself big guy?

Huh? You heard me. What are numbers mean, dude? That's the whole thing, is the number. I'm a dense guy. I'm a dense guy. If you're losing weight, but you're losing muscle weight, also, that's horrible for you. Yeah, a child.

A child. A fuck up, dude. I'm just hanging out. Dude, I'm gonna sock Jacob. You have to fuck up, man. You missed him, Jay. Say fuck up dude. Aight. Dang it dude, I'm gonna sock Jacob. You have to fuck up man. You missed him, Jay. Say it again.

Say it again. This next one's gonna knock you the fuck out bro. Sorry, I have to give Jacob a little arm jab to show him what I'm working with. You wanna go mother fucker? Jay can't hold the bus cigarettes. Oh, these pillow punches, but I got nothing. I feel, I literally, I feel like my head drags when I walk from room to room my house. Why

do I gotta go over there to do that? I've like gotten up to like send emails and make phone calls and I'm like I gotta lay down. J has to use his head to change the channel in the remote. You gotta get like just lost my flesh. You gotta get off this shit. Man, go get, listen, just go get small bellies. No, we're gonna do what I did. I don't know, we're doing meal plan. We're gonna do meal plan.

I'm talking to him through you right now. We're gonna do meal plan. What's a meal plan? We're gonna do meal plan. Don't you have a sponsor? Let's get a sponsor. We should get a sponsor for that. Hey meal playing company Factor meals get on it not once you have to cook

I wanted to like come and I put them I put your meat loaf on the fire Don't you meet live on the fire like that? Thank you. I do you know Bobby Let's take another call what's pick what it is. Let me see them here. Let's pick what it is And I want you to bring them in maybe put your little spin on Sure how you welcome you know, I think when Howard Stern's got like they all do like the hey now Yeah, whatever. Yeah. What's our thing? There's some way. This is a the perfect diet for us There's a website where you can get replica olympic for the third of the cost the cost is not the problem. It's illness It doesn't sound like a good idea

I think you guys are taking it wrong. It's why you feel sick. There's no other way to take it a good idea. I think you guys are taking it wrong. That's why you feel sick. There's no other way to take it. Wow, that's not true. You could drink it right from it. Actually, in cacola. I say she has the perfect. You could smoke it. Why don't you try smoking it? I probably work here. I get it on a spoon and be smoking up like a nice character. People are doing injections. Yeah. All right. We'll be right back. Should we announce who I guess? We'll do it. Just when they come back. And now back to the bonfire with big jailcerson and Robert Kelly. Christine, I'm sorry. I'm apologizing on behalf of the crew and as your boyfriend, let me say how used to you and your beauty that every other guy in this room has become accustomed

to because when our guests walked in, no one in here is known how to act around it. How many times I've never seen more people adjust a microphone and help someone with headphones in my entire broadcast and career? I thought Jacob was gonna punch me when I was, he ran, oh I got it, I got it, I got it. Yeah, I got it, I got it. And then when you were doing it,

he was over here, he did this, he went. He was violently angry at me that I adjusted my microphone. Confused. America confused first. Why I want to say this. I'm happily married. I love my 50-year-old wife That looks like Mrs. Roper. I love her I want to see no her and Christine do have the same kind of terminal disease. They're probably gonna die pretty Yeah, they're getting they're getting overdosed with ozempic tonight At least they're gonna go out skinny. Wow. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah. Yeah. Sorry you came to the late the story. Me and Christina quitting ozempic this week. I can't anymore. I feel like I feel like such a tub of shit. Doesn't it make you like vomit and have hot flashes? Not supposed to.

Almost exclusively. Yes, it does that. And then makes you lose weight, which is pretty awesome. Yeah. I mean, that's like the only positive. Yeah, from olympic. You just like lean over the ball, but I'm sitting on a scale. It's working. I feel like I've ever got pregnant. That's I'd start that day. Not what way to have the baby. No, I say double dose.

You can get the baby. I never have to show. He just want a little thin baby. Oh, he's just, yeah, look, have a six pack. It comes out when you're peeing. He's pretty much just fine. Yes. Um, our guest everybody, you hear that voice. Her podcast first date releases on your mom's house studios,

YouTube channel and all audio platforms. Every Tuesday, it is a lovely and hilarious Lauren Compton. Everybody. First time on the show. I like that audience. Yeah, there's a capacity audience just because there's a pretty girl here that I asked everybody it's Theory 6th and I'm his chair That was so thank you for being here. Thanks for coming in. I've never met you before Nope, this is our first time and you and you're from where originally Dallas Dallas, Texas. Yeah, what would you play the improv out there? No, I

Didn't even start doing comedy till I moved to LA really yeah, I moved to LA when I was 18 started doing comedy when I was like 25 black Lou one of our producers at home on zoom right now He's a big Dallas Cowboys fan and I believe we don't have a camera on Larnoff so we can't see you at all and he can you can see you learn he's right there. Hey Hey Yeah, right I'm a dab in the Dallas friend for a while. You're not what that's a complete lie No, what are you talking about don't say things like I know to you told me this rule you told me dark newitzki was gay earlier today

I said Troy Hickman is gay. Yeah, yeah, he's gay. No, it's awesome. That's awesome, right? I thought I was it true. Yeah, I'm gonna get Come here, let me see I'm always so shocked some people are gay. I'm like no way No, I don't think any of these people are gay, but they're all gay. You know what I mean? We're all gay Yeah, the cowboys are so everybody. Everybody's gay except for Jacob. Jacob's the only guy who's not gay in here. All right, I'm okay.

As an attractive girl growing up in Dallas, any instincts to be a Daleks cowboy. Jacob, I said, everybody who's gay except for Jacob, he went, wait. What I'm doing. Any desire to be a Daleks cowboy cheerleader? No. No, no. I was gonna lead Jim Nist and I actually had a hard like a no for cheerleaders because that was just

That's like, that's like half-assed to gymnastics. That's like nothing compared to gymnastics. Yeah. There was a comic, a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader who was a stand-up comic, too. Did you know that? Yeah. Christopher Titus. No, I have no idea.

No, who? I don't know, I opened for it. SUNY DELL high. You opened for that? For her or really? That, what the fuck's wrong with you? Damn, damn, I'm sorry. Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn,

damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn,, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn,, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn,, damn, damn, at that school and she was a Dallas cowboy cheerleader comic.

And I went up and did, all right, I'm gonna say I did great. And then she went up and did her act and she fucking, it was bad. Damn. It was bad. It was bad. Is it Judy Trammel? It might have been, yeah. That sounds familiar to me too.

It might have been, yeah. It's been a bit of a year. Yeah, she went up with like pom-poms and shit. Soon he'd dial high was kind of a ghetto college and they were like what the book? Did you did when we were going through your stuff you've done playboy modeling before? Uh-huh, and you did calm you started comedy after that. Yeah, I was I was in four special editions and on the cover and Then I started doing comedy right after my divorce Who we married? You got married. I was 22 my divorce. What were you married to?

How do you got married? I was 22. So Texas. Who were you married to? It's such a Texas. I was married to an Italian, and that was in LA. I met him in Vegas. So you know how they say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?

It doesn't. It should. It's just a state of Vegas. You just met him on like one they hook up in Vegas. We actually didn't hook up that night, but we met. He was visiting from Italy, and then we dated for... Oh, he was Italian Yeah, yeah from Italy didn't even speak English. No, I'm not a town of Multobene. You'll probably Italian

Multobene. Scoozy. It's okay. Fuck I'm turned on Everybody else in this room. That was hot Morning for a time you were in Italy for a non-no So no fluent in Italian Italian for a year, but I'm not a Italian. I'm not a Italian. I'm not a Italian. I'm not a Italian. I'm not a Italian.

I'm not a Italian. I'm not a Italian. I'm not a Italian. I'm not a Italian. I'm not a Italian. I'm not a Italian. I'm not a Italian. I'm not a Italian.

I'm not a Italian. I'm not a Italian. I'm not a Italian. I'm not a Italian. I'm not a Italian. I'm not a Italian. I'm not a Italian. I'm not a Italian.

I'm not a Italian. I'm not a Italian. I'm not a Italian. I'm not a Italian. I'm not cook. Do it if I can allow. That's man, I'm sorry. That is not a joke. That's all I know. Yeah, fuck that guy, and his man of God. Yeah, fuck him. Yeah, man of God. Damn, Mary, how old was he? He was two years older than me, and I was married for five years. Wow, damn.

That was like a pretty good run. So you got divorced and then. And then I pretty much started comedy three to four months later. What made you want to start comedy? I called up my friend who was playmate of the year at the time and we were both going through a really tough time She had just gotten canceled and She took a picture of a naked lady in a In a locker room. Did you hear about this that one? She wasn't even proud of just as she was old and naked

And she took a picture and then she posted it on snapchat and she was like if I can't see this neither can you? I remember that she She got canceled. It's pretty mean. It's pretty mean. I mean, I stand up for her right to do it by all means, but pretty mean. Yeah, it was awful and it was ugly. And I think she even knew that.

We all have friends that do bad stuff. Yeah. I have one that's do. I mean, hey. Yeah, we all have friends. You do. So yeah, I called her and I was talking about how, that's it, yeah, unfortunately that's Danny.

Yeah, it's got to mean. So she was going through a really hard time. She was just in the like, in the brink of getting canceled. And I was going through a divorce and I just started venting kind of like Miss Maisel, Marvelous Miss Maisel. And she was like, you should start stand up for real. And I was like, fuck it, I'm not doing anything else.

And I took a writing workshop for 10 weeks to learn how to write stand up, how to write comedy. And who taught the class the over? Jerry Cazman, I wish the over on. His name was Jerry Cazman and Heather Pastrenack. She was on Colbert. I know Heather. Yeah.

Yeah, so Heather and I do a lot of writing together. Right, how did you like the class? Loved it. You did? Yeah, when I meet people that want to do stand Right, how did you like the class? Loved it. You did? Yeah, when I meet people that want to do stand up, I always try to refer them. Yeah, I don't know. I guess like, there's no harm in a comedy class for sure.

I took one. I feel like just a lot of people are just trying to get money from you and really, because there's not much to teach. I took one. I live with this Maria Falsoni, who is a huge comic in Boston at the time. And I lived in her apartment,

I had no place to go, so I lived there in like a room, and she taught a class, and she made me, Dane and Alda Benny take it. Really? Yeah, and I got no fight with the guy, the first class, because he's like, you got it right, you got it right. You got it right, you know, where you're from, and you know, you don't swear. You need seven minutes of clean material. That's back with you got it right, you got it right. You got it right, you know, what you're from. And you know, you don't swear.

You need seven minutes of clean material. That's back with like the tonight show and let him in was the biggest thing. And you need seven minutes of clean material. And I was like, well, I don't write clean material. My life, I'm 20 something. My life's about fucking and being a piece of shit. Yeah, I'm a recovering addict.

I mean, I don't know what to fool. I'm supposed to write about? He's like, well, you're never gonna make it. You're never gonna make it if you do jokes like that. No, he's dead. He's dead. Yeah, he did. He did not make it.

He did not make it. In life. I sent my daughter to a comedy class when she said 14 years old she wanted to try comedy. Because I was like, oh, they'll like get a basic structure of what it's, but to me it was more about like doing the homework of it. Yeah.

Like it's just like, to me getting someone give you the exercise and not just me telling her, like, right about your family and right, you know, whatever dumb shit they say. But I remember her coming back to me, like, by the third week and I was like, you're enjoying it. And she goes, I am, but like, I feel like I come in

with stuff I think is funny and then these guys like, essentially rewrite it and I think it's like less funny. I go, oh yeah, now I forgot to tell you before you start taking this class. These are failures teaching you where I'll say wouldn't be doing this. So don't do comedy like them. Just do what they're telling you to do like assignment wise and then when it comes time to go on stages, do whatever you want to do. Like don telling you to do like assignment wise. And then when it comes time to go on stage to do whatever you want to do, I'm like, don't listen to that.

I was like, oh, I should have told you that before. These guys are non-respectable. It sucked. They really suck. I mean, she had guest speakers come in every week and they would just fucking. Oh, the people who teach comedy classes still have like those old comedy names, like Shecky, something like that.

Some kind of wacky name. Yeah. I mean, there's some people like Rick Romney from Shecky, who's a dwarf? Rick Rom teaches a class and there's a couple people that, you know, come out of it, but it really, I think it's a good segue into getting into like getting on stage for your first time, which is to me, it holds you accountable. Any advice to any comic, just get on stage. Well, hold you accountable to get on stage at the end,

which is something I had to do to myself. This is the first four times I went out checking out, and then the fifth time I was like, okay now I'm gonna bring friends tonight to pay their $5, so I have to go on. Because every time they come, where you're next I go, no way, no way. So like I had to.

I did it at a cross comedy David cross had cross comedy at catchurizing star in Harvard Square, which is the alternative of alternative clubs. And I have a flannel shirts. Would you say on average? 16. That's a lot of flannel shirts. It's like Alton jeans. I brought my whole Irish Catholic family to the show. So I filled the place. And the owner came up and goes, hey, make sure your family doesn't laugh too much at you. I don't want them fucking up the other comics. And I had, I didn't know how to go over to my mom and grandfather and go, pipe down idiots. Yeah, pipe down, you fucking dirty mix.

But I did find a way how to keep them quiet. How's that? I did my stand up. to keep them quiet. How's that? I did my stand up. I was gonna say bomb. Oh my god, that's bad. I, my first joke, wanna see my first joke ever. Please. Ready?

What's this? What is that? For the people at home, for context, I'm shaking my fist back or forth. I would, and then I would take a packet of sweet and low out, and I go, it's me making my coffee in the morning. Oh. Yeah. My grandfather on his desk beds,

well, you still doing comedy, right? He still thought I sucked. Oh, no. His whole life, he thought I sucked the comedy. My mom thinks I suck at comedy. She hates me. She's always telling me she's like, that's not funny.

No one wants to hear about your sex life. And I'm like, I was gonna say it's a dirty, like, it's not always dirty. I have one joke that's really dirty. Let's hear it. Um, the hardest part about going through a breakup is it's not until your ex is just about to lose you that they decide to be romantic.

Like when my ex and I broke up, he put 365 roses on my doorstep, true story. With a note that said, arose. For every day, I should have given you one and didn't. And it's like, I didn't need you to give me a rose for every day. I needed you to not give me climidia. You're a climidia? For anyone who's never had climidia, it's not that bad. It's not bad. Take a pill, it goes away. You know chlamydia, it's not that bad. It's not bad. Take a pill it goes away.

I mean, it's not ideal. It's not like you won a Ferrari, you know. But like, it's not that bad. Well, being Christine got accused of giving somebody chlamydia. I'm gonna throw up. It goes away. It's not permanent. You just literally take a pill and go away.

Is that the one that drips? It's like an odor and it's kind of like like a like a really lovely green discharge. You had it. He cheated on me. Yeah, that's how because he's told me that he didn't and then I got chlamydia and I definitely didn't get it from sitting on a toilet at home. That sucks. That's suck getting caught. I'd rather get caught cheating getting a blow job than coming home and going, what's that smell honey? Like you, what is going on?

Nothing would make me feel more equilibrium in the world if Lauren just had a stinky snatch. It doesn't stink. Honey, that's sure it's delightful. It did then though. Honey, why did you have a genus smell like a lizard cage? Disgusting. You, you cock-stocked.

Like a dirty dog. So my mom was like, that not funny and I'm like well It's funny kind of everyone Your mom the mom was supposed to laugh. She was like I want you to tell jokes about how you were nine years old And you did fencing and I'm like you did fencing. Oh, no, you did I did I didn't want to she got me a group on And it was to go fencing and there was no one there that had clean outfits So some guy was like you have to wait until everyone's done fencing for you to have an

outfit. So this guy comes over after like nine hours of straight fencing, sweating is balls off and his helmet just like comes off. He's like, and I'm like, just like shakes it out and he like hands it to me and I'm like, I can't do this. And I did, I put it all on and I did the fencing class and my mom just thought it was hilarious. And then you got Climidia from that outfit. I pretty much got AIDS from that one.

That's fine. It's no longer a death sentence. Yeah. No, it's good. No, you can't. Everything's curable by a pill. Yeah, you could. I know. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I just got my stomach made smaller. Yeah, I want the old school way. I got most of my stomach taken out. That's old school. Jacob just dives in exercises like a lady. Yeah. There you go.

This guy just clangs and bangs and eats right. Like a real push. Yeah, like a push, push. Like a real push instead of enjoying life. Live fast, man. And then find a medical solution to your problems. Yeah man. How much have you lost on ozampic? Oh three pounds. I haven't gotten on a scale once but I feel I feel horrible but I look better in the mirror.

Do you? Yeah. You don't know how much weight you've lost. I won't weigh myself but like I could tell that I just like. Are your jeans looser? Yeah yeah and I'm saying everything's gotten yeah for, for sure. So I mean, I find it. He doesn't wear jeans, he wears shorts. I'll go by his dream. I have to go by his nothing wrong with that. I just wear the same jeans every day, have zit legs. No, I'm kidding.

I was like, what? I'm, yeah. You should move to Texas, Miss Keto's would love you. I would move to Texas if you would let me live with you. You can't live with me. I'm sorry, who do you have a boyfriend? I do. What's his name? I can't tell you that. Okay'm sorry, who do you have a boyfriend? I do. What's his name?

I can't tell you that. Okay, what is it? Well, we call him Big Daddy. Oh, and he's so cool that you want to bother moving in your place, don't you? Okay. Okay, I guess. But he owns a barbecue restaurant.

What is he, uh, Southern from Austin? He's from Lockhart. Texas? Yeah. He have an accent? Uh, no, it's better than Franklin's. Is it? Oh yeah.

It's the one you told me all along. Starts with a T, ends with blacks. Yeah, that's it. Nice T. So everyone says you got to go to it. Everyone looks at the owner. It's like not that hard to find out. So did you meet him down there?

We met in Austin, yeah. So did you go to his place and he saw you? I did. So I went to his restaurant with a mutual friend and I thought he was the bus boy. Because he brought us our fair. So you spit on him. I know. Pick that up. But he sat down with us and I was like what is this guy? Why is he sitting with us? Like he's you fed you lax. I've tried to get you to go into his toilet camp. I know exactly. I had no idea who this guy is. This guy's nefarious.

Just so you know you're living with a monster. That's my favorite word And then he ended up driving me home and asked me out on a day drove you home from the barbecue place We ended up going to a private event after that and wow then Wow And then he drove you home and I never left him since it was over a year ago. Did you give me did you have a first kiss on that? No, we had a second date. The date after he took me paddle boarding. Oh, wow. Give me some champagne and some flowers and I was like, so he thought he thought this is an asshole. It's possible. Every fun of you did fall. I thought he was the best boy for days. No. How was he? You thought

he was the bus. I thought he was the bus boy for days How excited were you? Pop on my yacht. This bus boy job pays pretty good. How'd you get a yacht on a bus boy? I was like Hello bus boy, let you know Joe Rogan lives right over there That's Elon Musk over there You know like yeah, I guess How many tables did you have tonight? Yeah. And then for a layhouse.

He's like, well, my brother and I started to play Blacks. And I was like, oh. When you found out he was the owner. Yeah. Did you jump up for joy? I had already had sex with him at this point. You fucked a boss boy. I did.

Yeah. What the fuck is going on? What's happening, Jay? Look at the your D.J. lose for the pieces. Black lose for the pieces. It's okay, Black Lou, it's okay. Black Lou, it's fine. Does Black Lou talk? Well, nobody's Black, so he loves white women in barbecue.

It doesn't talk to chicks who are fucking cosplays. Do you like barbecue black, Lou? Absolutely. I love it. You would like Terry blacks. Yeah. The next time we go down for Moon Tower, oh, definitely gets them. It's leagues above everything else. Christine's had it.

I have never been. She hasn't been with the man behind it, but she has been to it. I want my business partner. You know, do business partner. That's lame as shit. I did, I think, you know what? I think when I went down and what's his name? Tim, no, yeah.

Tim Dylan. Tim Dylan took me to Terry Blacks. I think that's the place he was like, this is the best. Slightly out of downtown area. Slightly out of downtown. On Barton Springs Road. Yeah. There was a little line. It wasn out of downtown. On Barton Springs Road. Yeah.

There was a little line. It wasn't too crazy. That's him. Yeah, that's his whole family. In the black shirt. Yeah. Wait, no wait, that's Mike. I can't, they're twin brothers.

Oh God, you, yeah, that's Mike. Which one do you have? Oh my God. I'm trying to keep his identity under cover and it's not working. Because we suck in context. Nobody can hear from him. Nobody's gonna Understand this anyways.

What are you worried about? That people are going to attack him with high fives? They're going to carry him out and have shirts with his face on it? Are you worried he won't want to be with you anymore when they announce him King of Austin? No, you just like to try to keep his identity a little undercover. He probably doesn't want people to know he's fucking you. He's like no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no he's fucking you. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, too late. Hey, babe, if you could be cool and not so people were banging, trying to keep a low pro over here. Like over years, like the world's best kids. You guys live together. We do. That's great. Now, does he come to your shows?

He comes to all, he even came to New York with me. He's super supportive. He's here now. Yeah, he came. Oh, that with me. He's super supportive. He's here now. Yeah, he came. That's right. That's right. Yeah, waiting in a hot car for you. No, he's actually getting his haircut right now on like a nice clean shave. Oh, have you ever been to this restaurant for Charles Prime rib? Now is it here? Yeah, it's here in New York. No, no, look at him. Yeah, I know why. I guess there's only 10 tables and it's like incredibly hard to get into. Very hard. Yes. Yeah, you got in. But he swung his big dick around. How big? How big?

It's pretty big. No, how big? I mean, I fucked a bus boy. Give it to me. Give it to me. Okay, man. Wait a second. You fucked a guy.

You're right. You didn't know he was an owner. But he had a big enough dick. I was like, oh, it's a bus boy. He can be. Has anybody ever presented dick and you know, you're right. didn't know he was an owner But he had a big enough dick Has anybody ever presented dick and you've been like that size is not okay? And you've stopped there. I've definitely looked at a dick and been like

Jesus Christ so crushing, but why would I do that to myself? I wouldn't feel anything What was this thing can I say this thing? Can I say something? Micro. Can I say something really close? I have a low standard. It's just kind of, it is not. You can, if the person knows what he's doing with it, you could feel something.

Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, I got to be honest with you, Bobby. Bobby, you're selling the rubber. Now you have a micro penis. Don't do that. I do not have a micro penis. I know you're selling it bad. You go, what if the guys, you're taking taking it to personal the only thing to do with it? Micro penis is put it away. Yeah, right. I wouldn't even know what if I could

What if I knew how to vibrate my thighs? Yeah, how about that? What are the guys pussy super good? Or has it a credible long and thick fingers? It's still not the same All right, I'll enjoy your big dick guy who probably doesn't lick butthole. Now let me ask you a question. What if you got a piece of rope, tied it around his penis and shaft and pulled it, had his friend pull it from behind, so all the fat went away and then it became bigger. Would that be a...

Are you projecting? No, I'm not. I'm presenting. Oh, that's good boy. This guy, this bus boy eats but holes who? Oh, God. It's gonna hate me. Why? Why? You're not giving away his cage and rub recipe. You just told us to be sucks hot chicks assholes.

It does. He's a dirty dirt. He's a barbecue dude. He's like spice. He likes to spy. Yeah. He's a dirty, dirty Texas. I want to take this guy. Take your panties off and goes look at the bark on that He talks shit to me in that dude. That's always hot. Look at the bark on that. I can't tell if you like me or love me look at that But oh red ring

You know, but you're posting goes look at that marbling My my do you think that eating asses more of a turn on for girls or guys both I I like to think it feels good for her that I'm Licking her ass, so you're a bar. I guess this is a question for you. I mean we We're in love so you know Jay Christine was that your way of saying you don't like looking like that, but you do it love Yes Okay, Christine, is that your way of saying you don't like looking like that? But you do it out of love. Yes. No girl likes to lick a guy's ass.

I don't like I like the way getting my ass hole. Lick feels I do not like. I have to come. I have to sink so into it away to not picture in my head that somewhere, some view in this room from an insect or something is seeing me spread my butt cheek and like turn halfway Oh, it's not even never put my face. I would just rather get like a wipe and just wipe it and I would do that like it's my tongue. Okay, that because then you'll see the wipe change colors

No, none of that's that's not good. I would never ever ever in a million years What I ever let my wife near my asshole. You're considerate. Yeah, so I would never do that. And I've never seen my wife's asshole. What? I've never seen, let me rephrase that. You felt it.

I've never, no, I've never put anything my finger or face or nothing near it, never licked it. Wow, that's not very boss, that's not very sassy over. Huh? That's not very sassy boss, and I've never. I just never did it You don't you don't even tried now. I never try you might love it. You might have a midlife crisis On what do you mean? Oh, you might decide it's time to change that what you want to eat I keep telling him I keep telling him

There's a lot of it become swingers spice things up midlife Yeah, go on a cruise people on cruises do weird things. I'm going on a cruise for Thanksgiving. Yeah, you're f**king. I am. You want me to eat my wife's ass? I have a 10 year old, though. How are we going to swing that? What do I get him on iPad?

What are some headphones? Hey, look that way for 10 minutes. It's pretty cool. Me and Christine did an anal on our first cruise ship ever. And I said that when we were done, I used to go, you just got butt fucked on the high seas. Damn. That's like a bucket list thing. That I go you just got butt fucked on the high seas. That's like a bucket listing that's like you're fucking the ocean. Yeah, but I fucking know the ocean Jacob. Yeah, you better than that.

I'm gonna eat Don's ass on a balcony on the uh the Christine of the sea whatever the fuck ship we're going on. Yeah, you should you should do that on the balcony. Yeah, and then the people next door can sort of hear but they don't know exactly what's going on stick my tongue up in the air and get some sea salt on it to clean it off Is this your first cruise now? I've been on a couple cruises. You like cruises. I've never been Yeah, I mean I cruise around the parking lot Don't be had best by a jerk old men off once in a while, but this is my first one with my family You're called Men Off once in a while, but this is my first one with my family. Okay.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. I've been on cruises, but I've never taken my family. I've been on comedy cruise thing, where I have to perform. Right. Which is always kind of like, it's work. So you never really enjoy yourself,

because there's always that night of stress in your life. Well, it's work, and also you and Christine both collectively throwing your phones into the ocean and losing those forever. I threw mine into the, not the ocean, the beach. Why did you do that? Because I thought iPhones were waterproof and I was wrong.

He was making a point that did not land well. I literally, I go there waterproof and I threw it in the thing and I remember, why would you do that? Christine dove for it like you promised her a reward if she found it because she was shell shot because her phone was already In the middle of the ocean that went off the side of the boat

Yeah, well, there's a difference in putting your phone and like a foot of water. Yep I Through it. I threw it. I'm an asshole. He actually went he went he went So you just didn't like your phone. No, I love my phone. I thought I was right and sometimes I'm wrong Yeah, and I didn't like your phone. No, I love my phone. I thought I was right and sometimes I'm wrong. Yeah. And I didn't read, I saw a commercial where there was like like spritz of water on an iPhone and I was like, oh, this waterproof. Because you know, the galaxy is waterproof.

Water resistant. You can drop a galaxy phone in the water. You know, because I. I just want to tell you, your friend, you're giving the same exact argument you gave before you chucked your eye contact into the water and lost it forever. You had to find, they had to go get you a Costco bag of rice from the back of a cruise ship.

And did that work? Nope, that's a myth, too. It did turn back on. It did with that great move though, where it turns back on, and then you're like, saved it, and then right away it's like, bling, bling, bling, bling, it and then right away like I live my life on myths. I see that. You never like to match why he's taking a shit in case it explodes.

Do you like cruises? Have you been on them? I've been on two. But you I've now I'm going on another one with the family to enjoy, but it's not. It's it's mid levellevel. I wanna go on the motherfucker cruise. You know what I mean? Like a yacht? No, no, no, no, no. No. Real Caribbean.

No, like, you know, the one with the Virgin. It looks like a carnival. It looks like a city. I can't say it all, both of you. Let me, like a Florida. No region. I can't. The port of Louisiana.

The love boat. No, let me Miami. No, I hate you. It's the one. Spirit of St. Louis. No. That's a plane. Long Island.

No. The ones that look like, they look like buildings, like the biggest cruise ship out there. I name Carnival, Virgin. Okay, I didn't know that. Those are all, you're the one going on the crew. What are you going on? Are you going to die?

You went on the Norwegian Pearl. I feel like you're having a big one. That's a midsize. That's like a real Caribbean. I want the Holy Ship Biggie. I want the newest biggest cruise ship that has all the shit on it Titanic No, I would love to go I wish they would why wouldn't they make remake a Titanic

Because it was very obvious reason. Well, just don't get the first time. It didn't the first time It didn't sink and hit a nice. I got idea though Why don't we get some sort of a submersible we could take down there and just see the old one. Yeah, we could go wrong. You know, I want a submarine. Guys, just go. Guys, just that's why they did try that. It didn't work out. Oh, well, the second, you know, second times a charm, right? Is that the spirit? Yeah. I don't know. I'll just do the second one. Maybe we could go down and then another submarine and go see that submarine. Yes, yeah,, we can just keep going down. This is a Coke Zero Cam now. You're just an arm and an head sticking out. What? This is just a hell of a person trying to get into a tuna fish cam.

This is an arm with an iPhone holding off to an iPhone. And he pushed the button. It goes still works. So the last video they took, the last video they took is them going, what's that? Now, what's that noise? Is that normal? What's happening right there?

So why are you in town? What are you doing? Just promoting? What are you from? Are you new podcasts? What the fuck are you doing? What are you doing besides looking like fan-tasting? No one told me Mark Goney was back in there.

Yeah, I am. You got a new podcast, right? Yeah, with YMH Studios, it's called First Date. And then I interview celebrities, like what it's like to date them. It's kind of like a little POV of us being on a first date. Who, who have you interviewed so far? I got Ron White.

I've done Tom Segura Whitney Cummings. I just had Trevor Wallace release today. Every Tuesday, we have a new episode release. Okay. I guess what's the producer? I know his name and I'm blank Tom segura. No, I know Tom Over at your mom's house studios St. Louis. There's no dog the dog something the dog texted me to come down do it You should I would love I love it. You should come to I will definitely come down please please

It's really fun. The set is beautiful. They built me a whole set. The studio. I down it did that studio and where they do the two bears and I did a it's incredible. Dr. Drew incredible and and Tom and his that that show they're the nicest people ever. How could you be in that studios and have this boyfriend not have sex with that gorgeous awesome artist Chris Rogers. Damn, that guy's great. Who's that? If I was a gay man living down in Austin, Texas, I'd wing it hard at Chris Ross. Christine fawns over.

She thinks I don't know. What does he look like? He's just a cool... Oh, he's the guy who... He does the live painting. He does the live painting of the black dough. Chris, yeah. Oh, yeah, he's a good looking dude. He's just awesome. Yeah, he is cool black dude. Chris, yeah. Yeah, he's a good looking dude.

He's just awesome. Yeah, he is cool. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's the guy who painted the whole, all the murals in your mom's house studios. It's all his- Oh, I actually haven't, I've never met him, but I've seen all, obviously seeing all of his art

because it's all over the studio. Dude, Salary is everyone's hanging out post Malone because he was down there for a couple days. Metzger was down there and he's like, it it's always funny when you meet a celebrity out of your real house where it doesn't matter to you enough to not like them how fast you just accept their I told you that guy who always shits on all the podcast the mic from Red Bar Yeah, we said the thing goes everybody loves jelly roll All of a sudden it is kind of funny

It's by the way he's not right. I him, dude. I found what Johnny Roll said with that. The guy is the greatest guy. I sang him for 45 minutes in the mountains of nature. But it's you like me, I like you on celebrities that are out. Where it doesn't matter, you know what I mean? You don't have an opinion going in. So it's like post-mongers is the kind of thing. I'm like, he's a talented guy.

Whatever. So if I met him, he ruled. You'd be like, dude, post Malone's the shit. You can't wait to tell everyone. It's like, really? I never heard of you mentioned post Malone before. I go, I never have! But now I've met him and he's famous and likes me, so I gotta like him also. Hey everybody, thanks for listening.

That was just a portion of our actual Sirius XM radio show. If you want the whole thing, go to SiriusXM.com slashbombfire for a special offer. That's right, and go to bigjcomedy.com and robbercallylive.com to check out our standup dates coming to a city near you. Go lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo