The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Care Packages (Feat. Robert Kelly)

Episode Date: November 16, 2020

Soft dongs will rock your confidence. Jay and Dan confess about the times it was hard being soft. Bobby Kelly schools Dan on the perils of big breasts and bonds with DJ Lou over hats. Bobby falls in love and gets his heart broken … by a lady of the night in Brazil.

You're listening to Comedy Central! BAM! Hi, I'm Dan Soder. I'm Big J. O. Kerson. And you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM on Comedy Central Radio. Serious XM95 or on demand on the Serious XM app.

Also, be sure to follow us on all social welcome to the bonfires best of the week. Soft dogs can rock a man's confidence and the bonfire hosts are no exception to that rule. Here, DennyJ described the times they couldn't rise to the occasion. Enjoy. As a man that has had a soft piece sucked on, there not a part of you that definitely just go like I'm so sorry This isn't happening immediately any delay in a bone and like

Christine as a woman does it feel weird when you're just like Oh, it's just a little like a soft It feels like you failed All right, well, so that's a two-way street in that she's saying she's she's going deep much deeper into the encounter than you're talking Uh, she's saying if a guy is like not getting hard I guess her's taking forever for to get hard from that but starting in fact I've had this argument a lot Christine's gotten mad that I've pulled my wing out. It's not hard yet Yeah, ladies love a running star. She goes. I mean, it's not even hard already and we were like making out or whatever and I'm just like

I'm just like I'm a 40 year old man. You know it takes me to get hard in my jeans I'm just I'm about 17 where I'm just a whoopers. It's about to happen You get it there put a little f in 16 years old just a nice a nice walk by the smell of a lady If you keep that into your 30s your your a cereal killer, that's really good. You get the actual thing that fill up in your pants if a girl was like, what are you doing right now? What are you doing right now? You get like, what are you doing right now?

Yeah, it's like, when you know when you're blowing up a giant inflatable and you first start seeing the come through, you're blowing for a while. And all of a sudden it just goes like, oh, like an immediate one. That's like, but yeah blowing for a while. Yeah, and all of a sudden it just goes like, Oh, like an immediate one. That's like, but yeah, I'm 43. But do you remember the first time you panicked over a boner as a man?

I was like 20 years old. I was 20 and I was, I was spinning. I was spinning. I was in my own head. And I was like, it's not working. No, it's not working. You know what, dude, you drank and shit a lot into all that kind of stuff. Yet very different thing for me.

I was going to say, why didn't I have me younger? I had zero, zero problems until I was in the road one time. And a girl who was gorgeous girl. Yeah. Crazy body came to my show. I was passing as she was. I think she had hooked up with somebody on the rock tours I was on. Yeah. And and but it wasn't like a relationship right? You know I mean like yeah and she came back to see my comedy show when I was in that town again and

she like completely I had a joke I think it was a I Had a joke about but hold like shaving but whole hair something. Yeah It was definitely after the tours and Yeah, so before I went home. I went to Kansas City it was before I went home from the tour with Kansas City Yeah, and she was on she so you met her on the tour and then she came out to see you in Kansas City I think it was that time I was there. And as the late as the late great Patrice O'Neill, I was used to say, comedians, that stage is your red son and your Superman. Yeah. Yeah.

So you get a you get a smoke and hot girl in a comedy club. And if you have a good set, you can. But she was even with like a dude who I thought was like a guy. I didn't think anything of it. And she just. Late she goes she goes, can we go to like uh your hotel or I think like smoke pot or something and I was like yeah and says a thing like uh I'm not coming back to like Fox so get that out of your head right away I go it wasn't in my head yeah whatever lady oh no

I was just like I'm not like if you're if we get back fast enough we're gonna cook you from the front desk she was just like a chick did in my mind, I was like, isn't like coming out for this reason. But whenever she came in the room and just like, I mean, was not like shy about it at all. It was like, everything was like, chick pulled her pants down and showed me a pussy from like behind without me. I said, I made the asshole hair joke. Yeah. Do I have any, like, can you look and see if I, and you're like, why? You're trying to show me your pussy.

But I was, uh, did you, did you're trying to show me your post, but I was a... Did you do it? Did you give her a very medical tone when she said that? You went, I could take a look. I mean, would you like me to take a look? So let's say I was like 32, I guess, right? And like, so I'm saying, as a first time I've ever had this happen, we got there and she was so aggressive sexually. Like, do this, count it like this, do it over here.

I like this way that I was fight, I was, so you got baffled by the instructions. I was doing a base squeeze, the entire, I couldn't believe how much I couldn't get fucking rocked up for this broad. And it was just pure intimidation of like, dude, like she's like calling me on it, like every five seconds. This is a problem that they often say college football players have when they go to the NFL.

The speed of the game was different. You couldn't handle the speed of the game. You're just like, what? Oh, fuck. Okay. And she's like slap it, flip it, twist it. And you're like, what was that? The second one?

And it's just, it's not like, you know what it is, dude? It's a weird way. It's not that I haven't hooked up at that point with like girls that I think are beautiful. You know what I mean? Or are just beautiful that anyone would think? It's not that. It was that she was hot and just like so regret that you're like,

I don't know what thoughts are going the way. I almost like, is there a hidden camera? She tried to get me in some, it was like, so that's what I was saying. Any girl that I've hooked up with that was like at that point in my life Especially where I was like oh, they're hot Nothing I put the time in but there was like such a bill because I can't just go like so are we doing this or what? Yeah, it's just like an hour of conversation just you're shut You you feel like it's a shuttle launch you have to wait for no cloud cover

Oh, you have to wait for everything to be cool and you're like I'm gonna do this I want to walk in the room and just fuck but I'm just like who's gonna be like I have now now I have to get in the room I've got them on in the arena now. I have to prove my yeah, whatever, you know, now you have to win her heart Or push. Yes, I have to win her push win the very least win the ladies Pulse and I just always felt so the fact that may have been like one of the first times in my life The but probably one of the first time I like again with a girl that hot that came in and was just like well you just fuck this shit I don't mean I'm like I don't think I can't but that's like one of the guys at a bar being like fight me mother fucker knock me out and you go

I know what I'm saying this is all I'm saying it like that makes me think you're better at tonight oh you're all up in my face I don't think in my face. I don't think I can do that. I don't think I can do what you're asking me to do. Stop, stop, I can hear. The great Bobby Kelly was our guest, and he immediately tried to set Dan straight about his love for Big boobs with a cautionary tale of his own. Later, Bobby bonds with DJ Liu over hats. Dan likes sundress pussy. He likes sundress pussy. He likes fallress pussy. Like fall pussy. Like leaves.

Like leaves falling. Like I'm like, are you trying to tell me I don't like big? No, but he likes. He's trying to tell me the thing that I know, but he likes a split. In that sundress, he likes to see a big split going down the middle though. He really, that's his thing. Damn right. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Like a big. No, like big boobs. You butt head. I guarantee if Dan and Dan, I love you. You know that. If you in a room with those big titties, you'd give up. You'd give up. You'd be like, ah, no way. I don't know. I don't know. I'm gonna go play Madden.

I will say going at a big, huge jug, like when you're home to boulders in your hand, it does feel funny when you go back at four. You do feel like a baby going, oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my, I'm just back before this, it's odd. Or you're hitting, or you're hitting a block and sled and football. You, you, you, you, you, you, you,

you get your hips on there. A big titties, I had a girl, Sam, Sam Houston College. I had to stay, Sam Houston College. I had to stay an extra day back in the day with you stayed, the extra day was a cheaper flight. And I had to stay the extra day. It was, I think it was an all black college.

Me, Tracy Morgan and somebody else. And I stayed the extra day. And this girl called my phone. I was in the hotel in the dorms. And she was around, I don't know 250 and She's like what are you doing? I was like nothing and she goes you want company. I was like sure all of a sudden Two seconds later she was in the hallway on the payphone and She came in big on the edge of my bed

She I had a bag of Doritos. I remember she grabbed the bag of Doritos and just started to eat my Dorit my cool ranch and uh damn unabashed. It'd be even better. It'd be better if she grabbed the bag and crushed it and then just put all the fucking crunch in her mouth and one shot. The powder to the powder on her cheeks. And I had I had this powder of course this is about her for court. She looked like a wrestler, just blinded me and stuck my dick. Yeah, blinding's all the time. She, I remember I had the pull away sweat pants on

and she just ripped, she just reached over, ripped them off and just started grabbing my, my little pecker and she had, still had cheese stuff on her hands. And she had the courage. She was like, it's like, it looks like glitter. It does. It's all white and sparkly red. I was just gonna say that.

It's flavor, dude, it's flavor, it's flavor glitter. And then, so I remember I got up and went over and I pulled their tits out and they were, I had to hold one in two hands. And I remember I picked it up and I was like eating watermelon. I was like, hmm, and I was fucking on it. And it got heavy and I was just trying to move it around and I didn't know what to do. And I just quit.

I was like, I don't know if we should do this And then she was like come here. I've I've got this is I'm sorry. I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach. I'm sorry That's also the problem too is the is the coming Fast when you're doing a sex thing you're like not even that super into and when you come fast and then the other person's like so now me and you're doing a sex thing, you're like not even that super into and when you come fast and then the other person's like, so now me and you're like, shit. Right. I realize now I shouldn't have done this to begin with.

Oh, I'm into that. I'm talking a missed a missed moment in fat porn if it doesn't exist in fat people porn is to wet someone's dick and then roll it in Dorito dust and then have a fat lady suck it off. I mean that would be and you could call it a flavor seal. I would call it a ranch log. It was the ranch log. Is this like DJ Lou? Yes, I thought that was a Chinese Lou mask. I'll tell you what if you put a Yankees hat on it, it might. A man DJ Lou gave up in quarantine. DJ Lou was all Kango hats for a while and now he's gone back to baseball. Yeah, I'm out. Whoa, whoa. You're out of the Kango hat camp.

I'm out. It's trying. I'm trying to. I got to be myself. Okay. It be you. You don't you. Dan it. No,, not yet she hated the can go hats No, she liked them actually. I just felt like I was dressed up for Halloween every day Step on her really I gotta agree with them the can go hat. You can only do it for a little while It's a it's a hot hat. You always want to take it off your head sweating Then you got to put it back on and And you're going to make that decision backwards or forwards. And we're going to look like fucking Rick loss or a fucking paper for me.

Yeah. Remember? Remember, Rich Falls, I was. I was. Remember the back of the day with a leather, can go backwards. Oh, that's why I lost all my hair. Oh, man. Remember the back of the day with a leather can go backwards Oh Oh man, I cursed you got cursed by the can go backwards hat I was the worst and then you meet up with a girl and you take it off and it's smelled

Like five sets at the seller and you take it off and smell Vos had a collection smell. Voss had a collection. He's an addict. He's a fucking addict. He's like Patrice. Both of those fucking idiots went through phases of outfits. You know when your friend dies and you get a hat. Yeah, they're just trying to put on all the shit that he bought unnecessarily. Well, when Patrice died, everybody got a, it's like, I wish he was into Rolexes. I got a fucking, I got a stupid, saddric, the entertainer hat. That's so funny to know.

Was your grandfather a 30s gangster? You got to go like, I forgot in the hats. No, I forgot to super to hats at the end. Yeah, hats. I remember when we got hats, it really pissed me off because I got a hat. Someone that was the hat that he wore in the special that that's the, everybody was like, who got that hat? Because that,

for somebody that was going to be more an eBay. I don't know what the fuck everybody was excited about that. Dane got two hats. Now, why did he get fucking two? And even in death, I am fucking just not good enough. You know what I mean? It's like even in death I come in last. Or do you think that that was one of Patrice's final jokes

where he told his estate, like listen, give Dane two hats just to fuck with Bobby. He's like, that's what I do. I do, I get well out of the line. Hey, it's Black Louigan. And this next clip Bobby Kelly talks about the time he had his heart broken by a hooker in Brazil. I think when me and my buddy Glenn used to go to the massage place, I think Glenn several

times gave the girl that let me get you away from all this. Let me take you away from all this. Let me take you away from all this. I try to slide his real number and pick me up for you on the thing. And we'll get you out of here. Well, we went to Brazil the second time I learned when you bring a girl back to your room, I would hide my stuff under the bed. And then I would have little, I would have little, in the US, I made little care packages. Do I like 10, 15 little care packages of a, a, a, a, a,

a medium wife, Peter Black, some deodorant toothbrush toothpaste, Q tips, and some mouthwash. Q tips and some mouthwash of the girls. So I would have little clear packages. So I would give them a little gift. They'd be like, here, there's a few. And they would like, oh, a bit. Cause they wanted to wash up and smell good. Cause they had to go do something else and brush their teeth.

And they put a little wife beater on after and hang out a little bit. Look at you giving rejuvenation packs. Yeah. That's fucking hilarious. Look at you giving rejuvenation packs. Yeah. That's fucking hilarious. I thought you'd complete Bobby. Go clean. I threw a fucking turkey bass there in there with some fucking club soda. They scored up their hooch. You know, fucking take this. Go go clean my muck off of you in the bathroom. Yeah. Sorry. I slimed you. Sorry. I slimed you. Why don't you go in the bathroom and just clean all

that up. Condom broke. Go. We felt go go we felt the goo and put on some of this roll on while you're there. I don't know if you want to fucking scope out all my ball garbage at his put me Oh, Jesus Christ Wow, I mean, when you put it that way. All right, thank you. Enjoy the street tank top. Get out there city of God. All right, I have 28 grams. Get out of here. I had little, little tiny sample bottles of cologne.

When you go and you get the little samples, I would, uh, nipples of women's, like angel had angel at a bunch of angel. They loved angel. And I would put it in with these little care packages. So they would, they would not want. I didn't want them to take my shit. You know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. I wanted them, you know, I wanted to give them a little something and make them feel nice and...

Bobby, what have you found out that in prostitution, circles in Brazil, there's like a folk song about you, about the nice man that gives the packages to clean? It's like, it's in Portuguese. In Portuguese, it means bringer of clean. It's a song called Roberto. You have rejuvenated me. Thanks for draining my bag.

He's a little something for you. Now get back out now back to barefoot soccer. Now back to barefoot soccer for you. Yeah, sorry. That was a fucking that was a painful one. That was a powerful one. Good luck going to your stacks of houses on that hill with Jesus on the top. Have fun at the favela. Listen. Yeah. There's a little baby lotion there if you want to put that on your

ass, you knees. Maybe you got a brother that's good at cage fighting. Here's some scope. Take a couple extra bucks. Try to get electricity in your village. All right, thanks dude. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm guys say, I don't know. Yeah. The whole thing in Brazil was like, it's not, you don't give them like cash all of a foreign exchange. It's like, you go, you're my girlfriend for the day and they're like, sure.

No. Now that's what I was told it was like. Patrice did that. Patrice went there. Patrice did a weird thing. Dude, he went down there trying to be like the fucking mayor of Rio. He wanted to be like, you know what I mean?

It's like, he wanted, he gave money, he would throw money at the kids. And that was a problem. You guys got it, had to leave fast. It was a fucking definite problem. He would take his girl, like he got a girlfriend and would take her shopping. Like he took her out and got her a TV and got her clothes.

And he got it. It's like he was living some weird fucking, fucking fantasy. Is that so like insecure guy stuff? I don't know. It was weird. It was fucking weird. It's funny to know that Patrice was doing

the pretty woman experience and the Norton has thrown a pocket in noodles at a lady. And you go, there you go, just eat that. Microwave that latest. Microwave that latest stupid. Now suck it. I want to piss on you dummy. The Keith was the worst was Keith would just pull you out of the matrix.

As soon as you started like living the fantasy that you want to be like, ah, she's a whole stupid right in her face. Ah, she's like, she's a whore. What are you doing? You're like you. Stop talking to her. I mean, stop talking to her for a lot of police here comes all the way.

Stop it, we gotta get out of this, for a while. Patrice greets the palms all the police, and now we have trouble. The federally is looking for us. Yeah, he would really write her for you. She's a whore, and she just stopped laughing laughing because you're like, yeah, you're right. That fucking angry black

You know, she goes, I want nothing to do it yet But he won't be while Patrice is like pick your house pick your Adoey. I'll buy what Patrice is doing a lot of this with his hands on her eyes behind her Patrice has his hands over her eyes and he goes Everything you wanted. Tweety, I just bought you, I bought you 85 more Cinderblocks so you can finish your house. I just got you a robot, the, the metal beams. I got you a TV. He bought a girl a TV.

He bought her outfits and I think pots and pans. Oh my God. Pots and pans is the best and she goes, can we go to Creighton Barrow and he goes, why don't you come down? We'll go to Pierone. Yeah, he regales them with stories of indoor plumbing. Oh, you can just flush it over and over again.

Don't matter. He goes, you can drink the water right out the tap. And you're like, oh, he, he no bugs no water or nothing. I remember one time I fell in love with this girl. She wouldn't want anything to do with me. She was beautiful, like blonde, J-Lo, gorgeous. And finally, we were out at the little cafe

and there was a, they called her the panty lady. She had G-string panties on a stick and the girls would buy them, you know, because they always needed new panties, because, you know, whatever, right? So I saw this girl and she was by herself and we're at the cafe. I bought her American flag panties, little G-strings, and she took them and she waved, and I waved, and I waved her over. She came over and sat next to me and was me, Patrice, with his girl, Norton, and everybody was there. Steinberg and Keith. And I was talking to her

and Keith goes, stop talking to her. Like she's a regular chick. She's a hookah dummy. Stop trying to make a connection with a whore, right? And I was like, shut up dude. Stop it. He's like, dude, she's a whore. Stop trying to get meaningful with a whore. Right? Bobby's over here talking to ask him to where she's from. The jungle's stupid. Listen. And she fucked me right now. I go, I go, would you have sex with him? She's like, no. And what about me? Who would you pick?

She's like you. And everybody laughed. It was funny. So I was going to take her to dinner. So I was like, wait right here. I went upstairs to my room. I showered. I put on my best clothes. I bought

like a like a nice outfit, clone everything. I came back down like literally 20 minutes later, 30 minutes later, dressed up. Ready. I was going to take you to a restaurant, a fancy restaurant. And I came down. Everybody was gone except for one dude over on the corner. He goes, you look at me, your friends. I go, yeah, he goes, yeah, left. That dude that was yelling at you, took that girl, I think he's a fucking her in his hotel room right now. Okay.

As soon as I left Keith, Keith grabbed her hand, he goes, how much? And she was like, no, he goes 200 reels. She was like, okay. It was so much. Oh my God. But here's the kicker. He took her back to his room and she got naked.

He goes, nah, nah, nah, put the panties on. Oh, the ones that you purchased. He made a way. He made a way of the panties I got her. He fucked it. He fucked it with the panties on. And I'm not even kidding. My heart hurt. Like I felt like when band he's on and I'm not even kidding my heart hurt like I

Like when I was by myself and I was all dressed up and when they were like he's gone And I'm I felt like pain like I got broken up with pain You're your arc your arcade cufflinks on your linen shirt Oh, dude, you smell of gel the smell of gel solidifying in your hair dude. I was so sad I had to go back up to my room at like six Yeah fucking key fucks me a more dude Son of son good. Yeah fucking key fucks me a more dude All right, he came back. He's a I go he told me the story goes that fuck the your panties are in a ball My gizz on them in the corner He was a piece of shit

Can you get teeth is a really bad person? Shit There's a really bad person He's not a good person. He's just Everyone's down there everyone's down there to fuck Beautiful hookers and Keith still does a mean thing He can't not The whole situation's void of morals and yet still he breaks broke those.

Hey it's Big J. Elkerson and I hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th to 8 p.m. Eastern on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM95 or on demand on the Series XMF. Be sure to follow us on social media at the Bonfire at SexM. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪

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