The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Charmin Clean

Episode Date: February 16, 2022

Dan's feeling itchy after a product change and Jay is excited at the idea of taking steroids.Stream "The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder" for 3 months free on the SiruisXM app! Offer Details Apply: www.SiriusXM.com/BonfireFollow us on all social media @TheBonfireXM @DanSoder www.DanSoder.com@BigJayOakerson www.BigJayOakerson.com

I'm Dan Soder and I'm Big J. Okreson and welcome to the Bonfire podcast. You can hear our full show every day on SiriusXM. Go to SiriusXM.com slash Bonfire for a special offer. And now the Bonfire with Big J. Okreson and Dan Soder. Oh yeah. I know it looks like I'm vibing with the song but really it's got an itchy butt. Do you? What happened?

You wiped that? Changed toilet paper Do you? What happened you white paper? New brain new brand what'd you go with? I usually use the one with the bears on it. It's a stupid hammer. Charmin Yeah, usually you're charming. Well, and I went with like the one with just the blue roll around it the cheaper ones because that's all ahead Jake was gonna sit in there Jack of there and judge because you're still a squirting water up your ass And I hear him over that side I just haven't ordered it because I'm lazy and every time I get a moment free I want to play Friday the 13th and yeah, I'm talking about that video game again

I got you I got Andy Fruir about to get up on it come catch these Jason I feel like the two ply fluffy toilet paper. We've had this conversation But like it's just it's my as well just smear it around your ass. So that's so That's why I feel like I'm itchy. Yeah, you just smeared it around. You gotta get a step. I usually do white first, I did toilet paper. Yeah, I start white. Yeah, I'm white.

Then toilet paper. I gotta get white. Then I go wipes and then I go toilet paper to make sure there's no, because the brown doesn't stick to the white like it's done for the toilet paper. You take down a toilet paper. Scott was what I got, that's what it was. You took down a redwood.

Oh, then Scott's what you used? That's what I bought instead of the bears. That's what you use. That's what it was. You took down a, you took down a redwood. Oh, then scots what you used? That's what I bought instead of the bears. That's what you use. That's what you use. You scot. I didn't like it. Single ply. So you use like half the roll. Don't want to say, Jacob, saying crazy. She, first of all, it's not single ply. So that's Scott. That's the thousand sheets of single ply. Whatever it was, whatever happened. It's two, it's two, it's two layered. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Whatever it was, whatever happened.

It's two. It's two. It's two layered. We opened these. I got boogey butt. I'm just boogeyin' around. Now. It's double ply.

I'm gonna buy some more. I understand I've been talking about the butthole a lot recently. I'm gonna buy some wipes. I'll be out of this thing by 7 p.m. I'll be out of this thing by 7.13 p.m. Itchy butt for standard time. Itchy butts. It's a tough one.

The process. You got shows tonight. Yeah, for it's Dan. Oh god. Look at you Christine We're gonna clear this up on commercial almost like my coffee over. Yeah, bro Getting it nice scratch session Yeah, it's a maybe no more satisfying scratch in the world for yourself because the back scratch when someone nails it is the most satisfying But just really being like I don't care.'m gonna scratch my ass hole with my own finger through I'll give you a little bit of basketball shorts and underwear oh I'll give you a little taste right now ready I can't believe what you're doing right now I wouldn't perform after that because right now you just wiped crud on your fucking

underwear I changed my underwear when I get home that's weird too But now you're living your life in those crud underwear. And you're not gonna change your underwear. You know, you're just telling me that. I'm a dirty boy. You know, you're going. Katie's out of town. Boys will be cruddy. Who cares?

Cruddy pants. Man. When she leaves town, you just go straight, shit streak. I don't care. When I started living with her during quarantine and she caught me You know, I told you that one time I was trying to be funny right around she's like dude Just please go check your underpants real quick. It's like no, no, no, it was like three months in I was like no And then I stopped wearing gray underwear for seven months. I gotta go black underwear always a hundred percent of the time Always this was blue. They were light blue. I can only assume at my age and what I

Fuck I hit myself for a week at my age and what I can assume I feel happening down there that if I'd white underwear I would say they would just be how to Saturated with pistain. How did they do it? How did all these men go for decades in what? They had pistains at them They're pissing shit stains I see all the fucking In what I breathe they had piss stains at them They're pissing shit stains, so you saw that in 4k I'd feel like fucking if it wasn't for piss. It wasn't for piss I

Would wear white underwear. I'm I'm never worried about the Not worried about I just take care of it too much, but I'm gonna get it you bang dude I put my it's 40 being my age. I put my dick away and sometimes you're like is there Piss like falling out of it still like I shook it. I put my dick away and sometimes you're like, is there piss falling out of it still? I shook it, I did everything I could do. There was just a little more in the chamber, I guess. I had that habit. Do you remember when that happened to me at the stand

when we were all there? And I had pee down my leg. Yeah. I didn't tell you, but then Katie was like, hit piss on his leg before he went up. And I was like, jeez on, I'm like, oh, fuck. Have it, will you pee a little when you cough too hard?

Does that happen to you? That's never happened to me. Is that a Pussel thing? Yeah, I think so. Just like, get into my 30s. Oh, you're just like, Pting! You're an animal.

Dude, lady, dude, lady books happen all the time. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, our underwear and black underwear doesn't matter. It's just fucking white, gross thing. Yeah, no matter what. Youwear and black underwear doesn't matter. It's just fucking white gross Yeah, no matter what you guys you guys shoot out fucking Flem and mucus and if it's white underwear then Z yellow stains Oh man, yeah, then guys we just have a talking Christine It's okay get to know your discharge. Yeah, did everyone discharge

Well anyway, I'd have pee in the front of mine Everyone's discharging. Well anyway, I'd have pee in the front of mine. You little piss for sure. Yeah, definitely. It definitely enough that it was like, you know, you just feel it hits the cotton and then just expands until like a nice quarter-sized Yellow stain, I would assume. Yeah, but I don't wear underwear that makes that happen in any way. You all slick piss repellent box of briefs. I'd argue it's piss repellent. Yeah. Yeah, I think so it's slippery material. It's a very slippery material You never think we're you know it's absorbing for sure you never think when you're young that an enemy of yours will become your P hole It's it's age completely. Yeah, I also

Stop working. I also piss more now than I ever have in my life just generally speaking I don't wake up to piss nothing like that at all. I peed more as a kid Really? I always had to pee like now than I ever have in my life just generally speaking. I don't wake up to piss. Nothing like that at all. I peed more as a kid. Really, you're gonna hold back now. I was the kid that always had to pee. Like now, if there's like a real, like to me, I do like a three hour drive, four hour drive, still can do it. No problem.

Like not pissing, but now if it's like a committed thing to we're going inside to this place for a minute, I might get out and piss, just piss. Yeah. I also start getting that fear, when I hate now, being in a building that you have to wait for an elevator and all that kind of shit,

getting home to go piss was already a thing like we can get to the front door of the building. You're like, that's where it really starts happening. I go, I know if I leave a comedy club, I'm like, I'm just pissing when I get home, even when I got a piss kind of bad, like I can hold until I get home. It's not, it's like, if going from the garage

to the street, to the building, waiting for the elevator, like that's just like those times I'll be like, eh, like I'll freak out on that, that's too much of a hold. My biggest problem was always when I lived in Queens, I would come home and be like, please don't let a roommate be in the bathroom

One time I got off dose Camino's and I had to take such a shit on the train and it was like Then my bladder was programmed by subway stops So I hit 30th Avenue and I was like oh boy. Oh boy. I got to a story of Boulevard got down and then Open the door and I just see the bathroom door closed with the light on and I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, just knocking, being like, whoever's in there, please, let me in there, I have to shit. That was some of the, I had that happen to me multiple because I live with two people.

The most defeating thing in the world is rushing home to the home base dump you have to take. Yeah. And someone else is in there, that would happen to me, Ankerstein, I think, a bunch. I will never, ever live in a place with Christine with one bathroom. No, not just for her,

not just because of her, just in general. That has been such a game changer. I don't even think. Oh, you think I have to thought that we don't need it. I think it's unnecessary. But for moments like that, it is, it's the crazy. I've gotten off the train and prepared to go and do a trash can if necessary. Like I've thought about that. But for moments like that, it is, it's the freesie. I've gotten off the train and prepared to go

and do a trash can if necessary. Like I've thought about that. I've been like, you're so lucky. If Vecchio is in the bathroom, I'll just shit into the bathroom. You're like, we don't need it. Like me being able to shit in a bathroom while you're taking a shower in a bed

is humongous in our lives. Yeah, it's nice. I don't have to run to corner stores to find a bathroom anymore. She used to shit, right? See, they knew where is the girl who'd come in the shit at the diner. That's nice. I don't have to run to corner stores to find a bathroom anymore. She used to shit right there. They knew where is the girl who'd come in the shit at the diner. That's awesome. No, I went to the diner because the way the bathroom was set up, it was Mary Ann's, the laundromat or Cooper's. Laundromat? What's that shit like? Is it used by a steam horrible? Just like I use it in a fucking talk the way about, especially New York City where all the businesses are like closets.

Yeah, we just in a laundromat. How did you nice bathroom at the laundromat? How did you talk them into becoming being a regular? I just knew that I walk in. I'd be like, can I use your bathroom? And sometimes the door would be not locked and you could just go in. Damn. Yeah, I had to learn my place as Mary Ann's was great because it was the Mexican restaurant. Sure. It was like, they're ready for a shard.

Door walk right downstairs and go right into the restroom. Yeah, it's like a slide. They just have you go right there. That said, that said, you really don't see I mean, just as the person who shit in other places a lot, you don't think that's very necessary. Not necessary. I get that it's it makes things a little easier, but no, not necessary. You think it's a luxury to be able to shit whenever you want your own home. Okay. That is pretty, that's the Aiman the Bar but no not necessary. You think it's a luxury to be able to shit whenever you want in your own home? Okay.

That is pretty, the Aiman the Barlow, you can step right over it though. Yeah. I'm just saying, given the neighborhood, I could deal with one bathroom again. Yeah, keep that in mind when I get your own studio.

Why not? I mean, she doesn't need anything. Studio's different because then you're just fucking, you're basically in the room while they poop all the time. No, no, she could just get her own stuff like this is a studio, but she's gonna be a closet with a toilet. Because it's your studio. You don't need anything. By the way, this is the bonfire on Sirius XM.

It's a toilet talk. Fashioned Taco 103. Welcome to the toilet talk. PistonshitTalk. Jacob's in studio, and I see you're already upset that we went this far with talking about poop and pee. Are you? Why? No period though Thank you Christine. Thank you. It's on its way. It's gonna ruin Caroline's Caroline's this Friday Saturday and Sunday bigjaycomedy.com Particates New York City go get tickets expect some bears Christine's gonna be leaking

That'd be shooting some lady's snnot in the bathroom. Don't worry everyone Please come to the shows we'll be putting deer piss outside just the bears away And it's also known that every guy you see on stage is dried pissin is underwear Just know all of us if we didn't have black underwear will be just yellowed up front dick I don't think there's gonna be a new party on the show younger than 30, so know that we've all got a little P-hole problem. Jacob Blue. DJ Blue, you gotta have these problems. These P-P problems.

And you're an alcoholic. You got it. That's going crazy, like later in life, drinking nuts. I could barely control my piss in my 20s when I was alcoholic. By the way, that's what it is now when I'm having drinks more in my life. That's what it is I'm getting older.

Alcohol fluid is what's making me piss more for sure. Do you feel out, Lou? Do you pee like you're a fucking marathon runner? I do. And it gets painful if you don't go. Oh, really? That's weird. Yeah.

So it's hurting. What do you think that means? That's up. Sorry for opening up. That's what it is. No, thank you for being vulnerable. I also think that's good. I'm just going to do this.

If your pee hurts, that's a sign of it. You guys know when it's blood and you're pounding the wall because you just can't take the pain. It's so, so bad. It goes, well, you guys get pee chunks, right? There's, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's, no, we're crystallizes and it goes like,

ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, all over the toilet. Yeah, it's like you're dick spitting out teeth. It doesn't scratch up, you're toilet. Right. I'll talk about what you hold it in for too long. It kinda gets painful. Well, man, I used to be, I don't get painful.

The biggest freak is like, it's so intensely, I have to go right, but pain is not the thing. When I was little, I was the biggest baby about having to go pee. I was such a baby. And me, you know? Because if I had to go, I had to go, now I can, have you ever forgot you've had to take a piss?

And then you, like, you really have to pee forgot you've had to take a piss and then you Like you really have to pee you kind of fight through it You forget about it and then you get home and pee and then you're like, huh? That is but I've talked this shit I've talked to shit down from being like leg shaking Mm-hmm till like not shitting for hours Like shall shit hours later. It's just I don't know, I don't know how it works. Mine is a powerful thing Jason. But it's a mate, where does it go? Why is the pain completely,

why am I doing other stuff? Another dimension, I was pretend that it's soaked into my bones. I've had this shit here before and I just don't till I get home later. I just be out like, oh, I could go right now. Where's the worst place you've shit that you can remember? That you could remember I not

Inside of a giant half buried monster truck tire at summer camp That's a pretty bad. Yeah It was up on it's like it was like a tire. Yeah, nobody was up, but half big up It's you climb on them stuff because they have the big treads and everything and you shit inside the tire fold I wipe my ass with leaves Do you do that? I the shit. I Mean everything. And you shit inside the tire fold? I wipe my ass with leaves. Why did you do that? Why the shit? I mean, how old are you?

Little. Pretty little. And you remember that moment clearly. Maybe my earliest memory. Taking a shit and that's over. Were there other children around? Yes, but I don't think I saw. I think it was doing it to be like, I have to go really bad.

And it's going to happen now. It's going to happen right now. I couldn't think I saw. I think it was doing it to be like, I have to go really bad. It's gonna happen now. It's gonna happen right now. I couldn't have done a good wiping job. There's no way. No, it leaves. I'm really sick of movies, people doing like, shits and just pulling their pants back up and laughing. Like that's, I go, you're laughing.

You have a mud butt right now. Oh yeah. And which by the way, the itch on that, get out of here. Be sure, I just want to take it a shit and then pull their pants back up and just move on with life. Like, is that how you think it works? Yeah.

You're in spotting, I remember that. It takes a shit in the worst toilet in Scotland. It just pulls his pants up. I don't know. Zero clean is insane. I use the ice. What is this secret? Because, I'll be honest, I can open up the phone calls right here. I'll tell you this because

Who get there's no system Everybody wants in a while. Guess whoever's on the phone with black glue listen how loud that is yeah, everybody wants in a while It gets like a CB This is I mean that man is talking you got a headache black glue that guy's talking insanely loud. Yeah, I mean, that man is talking, you got a headache, Black Lou? That guy's talking insanely loud. Yeah, that hurt. That guy's yelling. I mean, there's people, I don't think, what women have to take a real long,

like bunch of pieces of paper, swipe at it. I feel like they all just gotta like dab their ass hole and move on. Don't look at Christine, not her. She's different. She's written loaf, I bet. But I'm saying, it just looks like it's a clean break. My wiping my ass is, on its best day, a two flusher.

Are you judging by the ship porn shit, Suzie? Are you trying to, I do you're talking about two flushes. You flushed twice always, at least. Really really yeah, I don't flush that much. Well, I don't want to clog up my drain That's nothing for the environment. I've never clogged the toilet. I think no, I have I've clogged the toilet twice in my life But I'm not a clouder. I get I use long long little barrels that not thin, but you know, but what do you, how many pieces of paper do you usually say? I usually use A-wipe and like some toilet paper after the wipe. You're being a big shot.

Just a one white toilet paper and just clean up with the toilet paper afterwards. I clean up the wipe, I clean with the wipe and then I take the toilet paper and I like, yeah, pip, pip, pip, pip, pip, take a look here, we're clean, bim, bim, bim, bim, bim, bim, bim, bim, bim, bim, Let me see this, let me see it.ip, pip, pip, look, hey, we're clean. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, itching. That's the next one. That's the next one. That's which toilet paper. Yeah. Today's the one crazy. Also, I had street meat last night and it bucked on me around 1130.

That toilet paper using is almost like mimeing wiping. Mimeing it right now with my asshole. It's a joy like that. So thin. Well, I'm gonna get the bears back in the biz. Yeah. Start having that family. Yeah, get this cuddly bears in my ass. And I'll be fine. I'll be fine. I'll be right as rain. I'll be right as rain by the night. Aren't you so clothed, too? That'll probably get it up as well. That'd be sick. It wouldn't be, Danx. It's going to just smear around. You need to look at those guys. Look at these charming bears. They

as family with clean assholes. Go ahead. Use it. By the way, you know who stitches those together Chinese children How do you know that because look at the stitching do you know anything? Do you know anything about the toilet paper industry? Yeah, it's rough. It's all in Thailand It's all out of Kanak Thai Illinois, do I yeah, yeah, Dan I do I'm in I'm in the lifestyle That's my lifestyle is I was in toilet paper. Do I know T.P.?

Yeah, dude. I'm a fluffy. No, not like the comedian, the toilet paper. But I mean, there's gotta be, his ears are thin. I assume my wipes are to go through all these like processes. One, I overly clean, for sure. But that's it. You've actually made progress since the beginning of the show. You've made progress in seven

years. It's gotten better. But I assume a girl with like a great fucking ass. This isn't about being like somebody who's fat or something. How is it not just smudging up the sides of the cheeks when it's coming out? That's just... It's a tight packaged log. Okay, but I mean like... Drops, cuts. You wipe. I don't know.

Bing, bang, boom, you're in your mouth. Show me a hot chick who's a two-flusher, and I'll show you the woman that I'm gonna kick Christina off a cliff for. A two-flusher, though, is like that. They just meet the talls. Splat around it. Yeah, and got a little... I like to know. She's living.

I don't know. I think you're gonna find a woman... I like to know. She's living. I don't know. I think you're going to find a woman. I like my women in shape, Dad. I don't care if it comes out. Your butter, your mouth, whatever you eat, though, better be flying out of you. I only let my girlfriends eat hungry man. So they shit it out, vibe.

I check on her. After me and Christine, you bad food, I always go, you're shitting it. I keep asking her, she goes, I have to shit. You're shitting it out. You push under stomach. You'll get it out. You're it out tomorrow's weigh-ins.

You know that. Well, my way the whole family except myself. If you got like Howard Hughes wealthy, if you became like a weird billionaire and that was your thing where he's like, I don't know, he makes Christine eat this weird food and he like massages it out of her stomach through her butt, it's fucking weird.

It is weird. That'd be your hefner thing. That'd be the thing on the 10 part big J doc We're in episode six Christine drops it on Cheers. I walked in the room and he may need push out my shed Even says to shed out of me said make for me This is this 8th year of the Empire speaking of butts Christine's gonna be jabbing my butt with an needle pretty soon Stairroids. Yeah, you gotta let me know when you're on Royd so I can walk tender footed around you.

Because I'm gonna be a little nervous that first week. Why? Because I'm the first wee? Is testosterone that's Royd's? I don't need you going to lat him or on me. Why much do you think I'm taking? I don't know. You think I'm taking performance enhancing?

I don't know, no. But it is. I just... If you go full while alzato on me I'm gonna need to know. No, dude. I'm gonna be fucking, I'm gonna be curling black I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just-

I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just-

I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just-

I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just- I just Yeah, no, I like I'm gonna be doing a bunch of weird just fucking strong Do you you do I'm gonna come in with a fucking blender a blender full of some kind of protein something and beats and then you just do

And fucking dips you just do in dips randomly while you're talking to me. Is it still is this double break? Shanes getting jacked to with a personal trainer, so you guys are gonna get into the lot That's you're gonna be your last Yeah, so jacked his legs didn't work and he bailed in the first game of basketball today He says legs are killing him. He's working on the personal trainer, dude. Yeah, he's circuit training. He's doing CrossFit March 29th What it's a while from now you think you're gonna get a month for now Yeah, but if he's doing a month across it is gonna come in in shape Fuck dude, huh? I'm I'm giving you a scouting report here.

We're talking this out. He's fine. I haven't made any bets yet. Sam Tarlin and I were talking about it. Yeah. Getting some fucking prop bets going on. How many cigarettes you smoked during the game? How many times Louis says the N word?

I never smoke during the games. I don't know of Lottie Devock. I don't know if it really ribbed. I don't even smoke between games, bud. I don't know if it really ribs. I don't even spoke between games, but Yeah, we sit down there and we roll I almost want to put you through a trainer for the next month just like a basketball trainer. Have you working every day? Oh, it's I get to will meet it your bands on my ass. Yeah, dude. Yeah, you go inside to side come on Let's do it. Let's go get like a former fucking seat and hall player. I told you he had a trainer.

I was like, oh, I should get a fucking trainer. Do it. Come into my building. Yes. And they'll do it like it's a gym in my building. Do it. For a month. For a basketball.

No. No, I'm telling you right now, get a trainer that you can work on with a basketball too, like a basketball coach. Only bonfire fans know about this. No one's going to go spread that secret. No, I don't want to be a more not a little basketball coach fine with that I these do what I'm telling you it'll be great because then you work on your left hand you work on your left hand work on your right hand you're gonna feel

good my left hand is junk falling away though but imagine if you have a little bit of a lot of you can fall away but Jay what if you felt better about it because I'll tell you what Shane's over fucking doing the clever lang workout pulling himself on some boards. Rocky this year and the gold gym right now giving Christina Kiss. Try and get him ready for the fight. Train it. That's right. I want the whole team. I want Lewis. I want Jay. Jay, Jay, I can't have an autograph. Team I want Lewis I want Jay

Sure, hey good over you I'm freaking sighties Hey Jay you gay that's my clubberish clubber shame clubbergares clubber shit Hey lady hey lady You ain't ready for a real podcast. I don't know what I'm gonna mountain James. It's a real podcast I don't know what I'm gonna mountain jeans to real podcast. I don't know what a month of Do it do it trading is going. No, I'm saying for Shane is gonna change anything in this game I'll tell you he's a former D1 athlete. He's gonna be coming in the little athletic He's strong. I said he's graceful around the cup and he

You getting ready for the fight of your life and a mccusker was good and custard played today. He was good So really relies on Tommy Pope their third who is a former athlete athlete I'll tell you what we do have though sick jerseys yeah oh yeah you guys are gonna look good getting good you're gonna look good I don't know if we're gonna beat Dan I don't know if we're gonna beat the Shane training specifically for this no I think he's just trying to get in shape he's just trying to get Jack Dees He's just trying to get Jack Diesel. He's trying to get sexy. He's just trying to get in shape. Get ready for 2023 ladies. It's gonna be a no-panie year for you and the gills.

Yeah, I think it's actually, if you wanna hang out with Rogan, you have to. Yeah, he sends kettlebells in the mail. Yeah, I think he's a Rogan assigned trainer. Yeah. Cause Robin need you to up your jits. You wanna roam with this squad? You gotta up your jits, dude.

Yeah, Theo Vaughn said your legs were looking a little flabby, so... I'm inviting you to my secret island, Kumatay, to see who's gonna be in my crew. Fighting guys, affiliate though, Joe. Shane Gillas. Yeah, do you know, Rogan runs an underground Kumatay? For comedials? Yeah, it's like some real dark art shit. Dude, Louis lost an eye. Andrew Schultz did an eye grab like fucking kill Bill.

And he can't talk about it. Yeah, he's got an eye patch. No, I don't accident. Yeah, whatever. Chrissy D did it to me. What are you guys doing? Kumite. Kumite, dude, I'm telling you,

a month with you and a basketball trainer, just doing left handed layups, you working on it, you're gonna, I think, dude, I think dude, you could probably, you could probably get someone cool to do it. Like someone that maybe played D1 College Ball that you know, and just their support, their support just being like, that's it, Jay, that's the shot.

I say Thomas and Sonless in my building. Ask him if his dad's around. I say, put out a call to Chris Mullin. What's yeah, what's Chris Mullin doing? He's from Queens Bird doing birdie doing nothing these days. You don't want bird his back's all shot. No, I want to betray me though But no you need someone that can get on the court with you and work with you Jay. Oh shuffled around Maybe a world be free. Maybe I was in doing oh dude. I mean that's obviously the dream get I was in doing oh dude. I mean that's obviously the dream get you imagine a fine horse and train me and we coached can we see if anybody find that if we can get a former sixer train me for a month Yeah, there's got to be one that's down on his luck. Well, Dave won't practice once that's the thing

Lewis last night at skanks said to me goes by the way, I'm coming up a basketball tomorrow I go no shit dude. I go Tuesday. You know, he's like yeah I'm coming to play tomorrow for sure. And then 10 minutes of everybody waiting around outside, waiting to see the last person waiting for his Lewis, Dylan called Lewis and he goes, where ya at buddy? He goes, we're getting ready to start this meeting.

And he goes, oh, he goes, we're a basketball, he goes. Basketball. No, I can't make it. And he just hung up. And I was like, okay, I think we waited 10 minutes outside for you, Jerk off. But that's Lewis. And Dave's just like committed to like,

he wants to be, I want, what I need Dave. I know, I know my Dave is in there somewhere. Dave, I know, I knew my Dave is inside there somewhere. And the day I know it is not gonna want to get fucking run. By the way, he's giving off a lot of personality of like this is dumb and stupid anyway as a Dave I played ball with you before dude look come on get that lump again like it but not even that just get that thing like let's go out there and try I think Dave might be like

Sure whatever turnovers who cares like what if you just means nothing. It's like I know it doesn't mean anything really but like play give him the alpacino will be being in come on Dave we're in shame and hell that in shame like Republicans and Democrats working together you're a libertarian don't you want to show them what the party can do like them down the ball is liberty. The hoop is America. That is a dream that is America. And he's like, that's it, Jay. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do I think Dave needs to practice. I think we need to get you a coach possibly a former player someone that you get jazzed at seeing Three times a week maybe a Tim Perry Never Tim Perry. Love Tim Perry a clearance weather spoons probably floating around town What about a craggy low no? I look a former sixer well

Biggers can't be choosers. What if we can get your old Nick? Oh what Nick though? Well Jay your being is complicated. Oh, Clay will never never show up not for the money. We'll be offering all right Money goes is a great radio bit. No not at all. You're gonna pay these people good money, too Call right now if you're in the New York area Tri-state area and you are a You can coach J and basketball. You're significant somehow in basketball Don't call it a sad coach high school ball means nothing to me Don't give me a real stats dude. I want to hear by the time you said one time you dunked on Scott Williams or something

Yeah, that time you shook Vince Carter when he was at North Carolina Yeah, he goes, but I you know I got kicked out for out for doing coke, so they couldn't let him go on. If we could ever redemption story through Jay? Oh, where's Lenny Cook? What's that guy, right? Yeah, that guy's got to be available, or dead. He's one of those two. So I'll play for his name. Yeah, Lenny Cook, that's the guy that was supposed to be with like LeBron and all them.

He was like the best, but he was dumb. Well, here's what we do. we get someone that can help out. You coach for a month since Shane's gonna be training, getting in shape. Do you think this guy's gonna run me through some weights also though, right? Absolutely. I mean I'm on juice now.

You'll be juiced, he'll have you on the treadmill, get your wind up. He's probably gonna have you in the weight room, Jacob. What other kind of exercise do you think this guy's gonna prescribe when I'm on this when I'm on the juice I was planned on like going and working out a little bit more jump squats dude get ready for some jump squats dude I'll go through the roof you want to see me get up on those listen you are gonna be the anchor of Legion of Skanks if you want Legion of Skanks to win against Matt and Shane secret

podcast you are going to need to be the chiquilonial of that team. And I'm talking to Orlando Chiquil. I'm not gonna get shredded, ready to get in there. You are Rocky 3 confident right now. Yeah. Beginning a Rocky 3 confident. No, I'm showing them much, uh, changing the armor, I think.

No, I'm worried. We're gonna coach up. I'm just gonna show you. I'm just gonna worry, yeah, about the game. I saw Matt play today. James, there's going to be a real thing. And it's not that we can't deal with at all. I think we very much, I still think

is a chance we could win not easily. But I think we could win for sure. I'm not doubting our ability to win as three dudes. I'm saying these three dudes are not going to get on the same page at all once before this game. That's a problem. What do you mean?

Me and Dave just need to go feel each other's passes for a couple of minutes. He doesn't make sense at all. He'll feel each other, get it into it. He doesn't want to practice at all. He's just like, he's got a fucking feeling, punch, embrace. He's got two kids, he's gonna make it all about them again.

Why doesn't he bring them to the court? Watch them let their dad ball out. I don't know why he doesn't do that. Show a little dominant drive. He doesn't drive. He doesn't drive. No. He has no how I don't think. What a city Hick very city. Yeah, they's all city New York City Hick Have Lauren drive him to the court. You guys ball out start feeling it have Lewis run around Fucking catching butterflies. Whatever he's gonna do during the basketball game. And then Lewis is effort. Lewis is effort. Lewis is gonna foul out. If there's a Raffi's gonna foul out. There's no foul number. All right. Well, I've I'm limited fouls. If someone was playing with Lewis, if there was any sort of real game, you'd fall out within the first five minutes. He was everything's a reach Everything's a cheat. He just fuck it. Yeah, he really is zero. He has zero understanding of defense on basketball

You're not wrong Tommy Pope is an athlete So you're gonna have to put Lewis on Tommy with Tommy boy put football on baseball, but I think you can you know Yeah, Lewis on Tommy. You just need it shame and matter going to be doing the shooting. And by the way, for those of you who don't know what this is, I'm sorry, I never did a little bonfire context. I apologize for that little bonfire context. March 29th, people know, Legion of Skanks podcast is playing Matt and Shane's secret podcast in a basketball game for $1,000 to the winner will obviously get $2,000 the winning team. March 29th, $3,000. So we're going three. Oh each person's a thousand bucks? Better be. I thought it was a thousand total on the team.

Yeah, I thought it was a thousand. I think it's a thousand each. I think. That's a thousand and I think it's a thousand each. I think. That's you better get a coach. You got invest in yourself. First of all, I'm so do you think I'm fucking can't handle a fail. I do think you can handle the money thing. I think you can handle the game. I want to see you win. What I don't want to see you do is not get a coach and then it comes time and change showing up CrossFit month in strong. You know what I mean? And then it comes time and change showing up CrossFit month in strong, you know what I mean? And then cross the game. Month long strong isn't a thing. Yes it is.

Doing a month of CrossFit will. Month is a nice chunk of time. Yeah. Jake, you've done CrossFit. So you know that that's right. You do a four weeks across fit coming in better way better shape than you were a month before. I'd say a month in you're still sore after the workouts pretty bad, but on your off days you're feeling more explosive in your steps Maybe we're talking about

You know shame played O line, but he was a pulling guard Mm-hmm. I mean the guys got a little is got some quick feet quick feats. Yeah, he's got pass-pro This got run blocking somehow my message isn't getting across. I feel like I'm saying I think it's got pass-pro. You want your ass? This, this got run-blocking. Somehow, my message is getting across, I feel like I'm saying, I think it's a worrisome situation, seeing that- That's what I want to change. That's what I want to change. I want to get Dave, or get Dave out on the court. You got that eye at the time.

It's a matter of you. Look at their eyes, Jay. Yes, no, tomorrow. Look at their eyes. Yes, tomorrow! You gotta get Dave on the court. Fuck it, Dave. You gotta get Dave more than Dave's to care about this game. Dave's gotta care.

And you gotta play with him. That's what it is. If nothing else, care. Care does. It's gotta care. And you, I'm telling you, a month with a coach,

then Dave doesn't have to care because you know why Cuz you've been put in the tender and crap light you're gonna fucking have a coach You're gonna have a short mid-range Working out with the if I'm on the juice you got to work out my as well. Do you be juice stop dude my recovery is gonna be juice I want to see how I see a clash of the Titans as someone that's going to be calling the game. Hopefully. If I could bump from that, it'll be a little sore. I've already said today to the group.

All right. I believe it would be me, maybe like Chris O'Connor. Yeah. Me and O'Connor's calling the game. We got Ari as our sideline reporter. He's going to be our Craig Saker. We'll put him in an awful suit. Have him bother you guys during the games

There's a Brent Moss burger. Yeah, we gotta get him off his who pay. Yeah, great to pay We'll absolutely buy a bad to pay for our for the game most point night But then I want to see if I want to call a game. I want to see so I feel like we can do this as your friend I ain't talking about Dan Soder the underground broadcaster. That's not me man I'm talking to you right now, is Dan so do your friend. Okay.

And I say we get a coach to coach you up. You got a little left, a little, little, with your left. Yeah. I want to one training or something. Yeah. Gets you wind up, you know, got your lift away. You got me in the weight room a little bit though.

Yeah. Got you banging three, so you got that little extra strength in your tricep. Just snap it out. The snaps big I'm gonna be watching I'm gonna come over where to watch Ray Allen videos. We're gonna break down his shot It's feeling good today my shot when it was fall was doing that hits back of the rim and goes straight down Those want to feel nice. We get some swish dude welcome to swish city swish city. I'm your mayor dance

Okay stretch your hammies out. Like, good deep stretch. Oh, Jacob will be there to fucking stretch. You're coming back by March 29th, maybe. He should be back. We don't know why you need to do that thing. You put my leg right there and you walk in and you're gonna fuck my ass. Yeah, Jacob, just right in front of everybody, he's just pile driving you.

Oh my God, it's my favorite fuck position. Yeah. One leg down and the other back up. That's what, by be the girl and this one. Yeah, you're gonna be on the business and it's what I do, I like to get him them like that one leg up on the shoulder. Yeah, I'm telling oh great. Yeah, go this is great We're gonna coach you up. It's gonna be fun. Yeah, I don't want to run suicide so much. You will You will but you'll get through it. I'm paying this guy. He's gonna make me do that. It's gonna be unbelievable

Build your endurance. Yeah, black glue Make me do that. It's gonna be unbelievable. It's gonna build your endurance. Yeah, black clue. Yeah, coach soda. I would like to recommend also that maybe Big J watch the first five and one mix tapes. Yeah, pick up some stuff.

I wanna see him cross somebody up. Yeah, Professor style. Maybe the half. Half man, half amazing. My handles are all right. Yeah, but you know what I mean? If you can get them back and up a little with a fucking crazy legs.

Yeah. So, then you have shame back up the whoa, that dribbling's gay. That's what you're on to say. Oh yeah, he's gonna say my dribbling's so gay. And then you go up and in. Yeah, a little fury. And it's in the top coach. Just keeping one of that outside shoulder.

That's the one handers. I know it's a different top. I know it's a different sport, but I can get Mike McDeasy on the phone and drop some plays. You know, do a little top. I know it's a different sport, but I can get Mike with DZ on the phone and drop some plays, you know, do a little little shit up. Draw some shit up. Some fucking weed nerd shit and having fucking servant it. Weed nerd. Yeah. Um, yeah, it'll be fun. I'm very excited for this game. Give me a fun game.

Yeah. Absolutely. Uh, we are jerseys are fucking sick. When are they in? Are you guys getting terrorized? Are you getting terrorized? We're doing so. We are. He got it. Anytime you're playing a basketball game like this, that has any sort of official thing or something on the line. They're putting some of their things in here.

That could be so much stuff on it and advertise with everything. It's gonna be a $200 piece of merch, is that what's all said and done? Nah, that'll be funny. They'll have all the patches like blue chew and fucking fume I think is on it right now. Yeah, dude. And you guys gotta think about intros.

Do you know, do you have a location yet for the game? Oh, I think it's my building. Yeah, okay. Yeah, it's gonna be like a secret. I spoke to it. Yeah, it's gonna be a bit of a secret, but I talked to two other, not even my guy. Yeah.

Two other guys. I'm one of the, one of the guys there, the, I think maintenance guy or something, is a big fan of like all the brands of All of our shit like comedy hell yeah stuff so you get excited How many of you cheating them coming in so those guys even know that I get you don't hear right? And I was like hey, we're doing it here. Are you gonna do late night? Ish 910 I feel we all get there at nine maybe no one's down there But by 10 we'll have half the court for sure. I don't have to guess who's down there. But I mean, we got a set up equipment.

You guys got to film it. No, you don't have to set up a set up equipment. We're just roving cameras from the whole thing. All right, and then we'll just call it on a fucking zoom. And you guys can put it to the footage. Yes. Absolutely. Might be able to plug it. It might be able to plug into the PA of the room, which would be huge.

If there's a, if there's a, but I'm gonna tell you, as someone that's gonna be calling the game, I got my calling it with O'Connor voice, but then if I'm doing my big in studio voice, I'm gonna be like, no! Kyle! I'm gonna get a lot of that. A shame, give this under the hoop.

Boom, shock a la-ga! Can I tell you what you could absolutely do in my building for sure? Because you could Bluetooth into the sound, and we always put our own music on. Yeah, you guys do your job down there. You guys always play your phone, folks, and harmony. I think there's microphone apps,

where if you Bluetooth your phone to the speakers, you could probably talk on your phone. Who's the guy that you still run around Rucker Park with the megaphone? Oh, I, the goat. Should I just do that? Do you guys? Oh, Shane warming up!

Shane warming up! Look at Shane! He's been really crossfit. Oh like hoop it up Or so just like it over hyped up. Oh Shit Matt Makusta coming from fillin over you for the thing we should have somebody we should have Yeah, I guess I was a job for Laney or something about singing the gas digital like girls and all should have to come out and do like a routine Like what's somebody hits when somebody hits 13 points. They're just like seven points left half time yeah

And just come out and do like a fucking just never Event space I'm just gonna grab some of my old t-shirts and throw them with the people watching Oh if you were at Beef and beer 2011 in the throat out, raise your hand. Who wants an angel salad? Salazar comedy show. I got a real ass podcast here, regular here. Someone went on the road with a talent has an insomnia. Sure. Never fit.

It never fit, but you want to. I want to be a front row. We borrowed one of Andrew Schultz's t-shirt guns for the fucking game. Yeah, it'll be very fun. I'm very excited for it, and people will be very excited to watch it. I bet the score will leak via social media.

I just have a feeling before coming, what piece of shit? We'll do that. For guest is your or our group of friends, it's gonna do that. I don't know someone that probably took a lot of money from other people that put it out. So, he was, it's probably not a guy who's a bad guy or anything, but he probably just, you know,

he saw an opportunity and he sees it. You know, it's probably a guy that wanted a little extra scratch to take his lady to a nice place. And, you know, it's just what he had to do. So, you know, Valentine's make me feel right about my face. Valentine's Day only comes once a year. And then there's a second. I like this. She likes specific chocolates and all in here, which she likes.

It's one game to 21. Yeah, by 1s and 2s. I don't know what that means. Three pointers are worth 2. It regular baskets are worth one. It's a lot. It's a lot of cardio. That's why this coach is going to be important. Jacob, you understand that we need to get to tank big. So they're going to be good. I mean, I would do some. Yeah. I do. I'm not going to have myself and stuff. I just dribble around the court to like full court runs and layups. Yeah, we got to do it with like a whistle getting blown at you and then going come on

Come on, come on, come on, come on. You need that stop start I fucking hated I got my tennis elbow band today. How you feeling right? Yeah, you put it on Yeah, maybe we get you a compression sleeve for the game Here's a problem at muffin tops my arm But I will say if you're working out with that fucking coach It'll probably be all fucking tricep and bicep by then buddy if I flex wearing one of those things It looks pretty cool the problem is when I let it go all my 44 years old muffin top over the side of it nice Scream code it looks like a guy did my scream. I put on before I know. No, he's like an ice cream cone. It looks like a goddamn ice cream cone.

I put it on before. I wanted to wear one. So it's Iverson's thing. Yeah, he created it. It's he's the person. The guy who made that a thing. Synonymous with the sleeve. And it, I can't pull it off.

Damn, doesn't work. Damn. Doesn't look great. But no, this is a little strapped. It goes underneath. You put it two inches below wherever you're feeling pain in your arm and it like Took it away. It was pretty great. Oh is it those those those tape thing that you can put on? No, no it's a actual band like you

Tighten it you got to get some accessories to go with all your new outfit your new basketball outfit Yeah, I could probably use some good knee and ankle shit, but whatever Doesn't matter. March 29th. March 29th. We just can't use for Matt and Shane's Eucharist. We are selling an event. Thong King in this shit. Only an exclusive activity.

I guess digital network. What is it? Philadelphia, uh, ledge, I'm, I wanna tell you this story so bad. Should we take a break and come back and do it? Maybe. Yeah, let's take a break and do it. Refresh, because it's, legend. I want to tell you this story so bad. Should we take a break and come back and do it? Maybe. Yeah, let's take a break and do it. Refresh, because it's... Yeah.

It's a guy we've brought up on the show before. That is a Philly legend. Yeah, a Philly legend. Now he's awesomer than we ever knew. Now he might be tied to Thursday's case. The greatest guy, maybe, at a Philadelphia ever. We'll be right back, everybody. It's...

Let me read this paper here. The bonfire. Sure is... Sure. Fucking is. You've been listening to SiriusXM's bonfire! New episodes every Tuesday through Friday mornings and full shows, always on SiriusXM!