The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Cheat Day. Dog's There.

Episode Date: April 16, 2021

Jay & Dan talk Cheat Day treats, Stand- Up Stories, and some very adorable, but very distracting dogs. Stream "The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder" for 3 months free on the SiruisXM app! Offer Details Apply: www.SiriusXM.com/Bonfire Follow us on all social media @TheBonfireXM@DanSoder www.DanSoder.com@BigJayOakerson www.BigJayComedy.com#CrackleCrackle 

Hey, it's Big J. Ocarson and Dan Soder. Welcome to the Bonfire podcast. We'll have new episodes every morning, Tuesday through Friday. You want more bonfire. You can hear our full show every day on seriousXM. You can go to seriousXM.com slash bonfire for a special three month offer. The Bonfire! It's a rainy day in New York City. We're up in Jay's Cloud Palace. Cheat day. Cheat day for Dan. God, I am thinking right now, do I just go full-slut and order McDonald's tonight for dinner or a delicious meal from a nice place in Queens? Ah, cheat meal. Probably go McDonald's. I gotta wake up super early for billions.

I gotta wake up at like, you say McDonald's? Did you say no McDonald's? I think that's a way out. Cause that's gonna hurt my stomach. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. I need something high quality in my tum tum. It has, I've done, I've made the mistake of, what it's hard to do, but pizza's not always, but it depends on the food.

What if I, can I ask, it's like Taco Bell, I've done before I've left, and any other fast food the night before I leave, like, if I have to go to the airport at five in the morning, like, I know I set it in alarm now, because I give myself a half hour, I set it in alarm for four, give myself a half hour before I have to leave to wake up

So I'm like go shit because like if not I'm gonna be dancing at the airport Oh man, I don't want to be dancing on set. You don't be dancing on set. You don't want to go you don't want to take a fast food Just bash what I'm gonna can't I sing a boo boo you don't want to go take a boo boo at work. Oh my god Dude you guys would just see me I'd point out the I'd be like so see in the back of the office where I'm sitting at that moment I have swamped but and I know that I was going to ship my payout. I'd take a boo boo. I had to I do now here. Sugar Turner would tell you. Oh my God so terrible. Before I forget and before my mind moves on how bad would it be if I ordered McDonald's to hear? Mm-hmm for the end of the episode Right and then went home with grocery shopping then got dinner later

You try to cut say why you're not gonna like that you're cramming in and Me and this is a good conversation actually me and Christine used to do this and we learned better. It's actually, it feels way worse. Because when you were saying when you first got here, like, damn, it sucks I was doing this cheat weekend for WrestleMania. Yeah. And you know, let's determine your timeline just it's Sunday.

And you're like, so Saturday and Sunday I'm going for it. You said, oh, yesterday all I had was this, this and pizza. You know, you get shout out promised land chocolate milk. Chocolate milk, w this and pizza you know you could shout out promised land chocolate milk chocolate milk waffles and pizza and that wall and that Wendy's stuff breakfast stuff right so I was like all right that's actually like a pretty like that's a good cheat day you got it in and today you're like I really haven't had it today and all I'm gonna do is because something tonight but we used to me and Christine used to really do it like cheat day

like that like We would get it. We just make sure you make sure you get like bagels in the morning Like you know if you didn't really want bagels that much. Yeah, like you know I mean it's like you you just try to cram it all in so that's what we just try to now. It's like it's total attic We rarely we rarely eat bagels, but if like you know We'll have a half of bagel with breakfast if it's the thing gluten free bagel You know, I mean it's, just making better decisions on that, because man, I tell you why I did not like it.

And by the time it got to dinner time, you felt like obligated to get this thing that you're gonna get, you know what I mean? You know what reminds me of is, I like to get cheese sticks, and I don't know if Christine's on it down with that. But you know what reminds me of is back when anyone that's had a service in a new street job

for sure, but other people, you know when you'd be at work and you'd go to meet up with your friends who have been out drinking and you're like, well, I gotta catch up. Those were always the nights that I got sick because I would show up and be like, well, I gotta catch up. So I gotta do more. And then I'd do more and end up just hurting myself

as opposed to if I just showed up and started drinking regularly. I'm just lying to you when I just said that. I don't know why. I guess I'm saying I do more and I just hurt myself as opposed to if I just showed up and started drinking regularly. I'm just lying to you when I just said I don't know why. I guess I'm saying I do more the situation. Yeah, you know the situation. You don't drink like you drink where you do the exact recipe you're going to put in your body, which is very impressive. You're like I'm going to do four shots, drink this bud light and I'll get silly drunk.

And I'm like let's go until all the lights shut off. Now I do Three shot if I drink this weekend I had drinks, but I had just like three I'll do like three shots before the first show Three shots before the first before the early show for the first show and then in between shows I'll do a shot okay Diet Coke usually I don't even really have a beer. I've been doing much more water on stage. And, um, yeah, then I come to the next night and I honestly got like even the second night this weekend when they said like, you want your shots? And I was like, oh, yeah, I guess, you know, they were like, I didn't even do the fourth one.

Did I used to be to the point before comedy where I'd be like, I need my drink before I go up. I am like that with weed for sure. I need nervously. I hate to say to the point before comedy where I'd be like, I need my drink before I go up. I am like that with weed. For sure. I need nervously. I hate to say that I am like that with weed. You need to smoke weed. I don't need it, but if I don't, here's the thing. If I don't have it in 10 minutes, I'll zone into what's happening.

And it'll not that worried about it. You know what I mean? Yeah, but the panic in my heart, yes. Yeah. I used to have sex wrong. It wasn't a big deal to me, but like I left the without my weed heart. Yes. I used to have sex wrong. Or it wasn't that big a deal to me. But like, I left the without my weed for the shows on Friday night in the city. Yeah.

So when you came out there, you're like, I came in there. I'm very quickly. The host was like, uh, or the feature was like, uh, he's like, I have some like here. And he gave me like a little container of joints. And I was like, oh, shit. Yeah. And that was great. But I wouldn't have gone back for it,

but I would have asked a manager, like, is any staff member here? I was like, something I can just grab. Just get some, and it's just because I want to like, change perspective on the day. Sure, and it's also, it's a comfort. It's like, you know, if you have weed and you're like, all right, I'm gonna smoke a little weed, I can relax.

I can have fun as opposed to going into it and being like I need this Smoking weed with you you can smoke and go on stage Like you can smoke and then walk on stage and do it and I remember I had it such an exact science back when I drank That when I first got past at the seller and I think I've told the story before the show But I got past at the seller and you were we I've told the story before on the show, but I got past at the seller, and we were down in the stairwell, and you had a joint, and he was like, you know, you and Christine were hanging out,

and I did an earlier spot, Witt and Tranket Trionas, and came back. So I was like half in the bag, and I fucking smoked the joint with you, and then William Stevens, and he was like, all right, I'll bring you up. Then he came out and got me, and I went on stage in Bill Mar.

When I was on stage, this girl was like, I was new to the club, so I was doing the same set. I remember that night Bill Mar came to the cell. I was doing the same set every night, because I was just trying to kill. And I was new to it, so I was like, I gotta fuck a kill. And I was on stage, kill and you know I was new to it So I was like I got a fucking kill and I was on stage and this girl gets up And she's like I saw him last week. He's doing the same jokes to her table and I was like yeah Well, like you know what and as I'm talking to him like because I made the point of like yeah

When you go see a band what do you think they're just fucking jamming on stage that old? Why don't you get your shit together and do something else? But I was like, go smoke! She's like, I'm gonna go smoke. Keep doing your things, you did that thing. Like keep doing it and I was like, hey, you're terrible. As I'm saying this,

SD and Bill Maher walk in the, just right downstairs and I'm like, son of a bitch. Oh, this guy must be doing the same comedy again. And all of a sudden in my head, I'm like, well, now I have to kill, because SD and Bill Marr are here, but I can't be doing my shit, all my A stuff that I've been just doing and it's that here. So I started doing like old jokes that I didn't really fully remember.

Oh, Lord, hello. And I just keep and I was like, close to it. Didn't go well. And then I went out and I was, I was high. So I I was getting high I was on the way up as this is all happening I'm like no old joke but can't and then I came back outside and you two were sitting there and I was like I just

fucking bombed in front of Bill Mar and you're like you probably in bomb the bill Mar walk down He's like hi, and we're as oh you were up there. Oh, okay, you were up there god damn it dude that lady sucked Fucking rattled me no 10 years ago That hurt it that that lady genuinely know that now you would know how to like Dismanse a little oh my god now would make it all about her I'd be like what kind of human Yeah, that's exactly what I was 2011 yeah, it's a seven-year comic. That's crazy. Yeah, but it fucking shut it rattled me if you remember all the times you get rattled in comedy Oh, dude you get earhold by someone that Canadian guy just going you're not funny, bud. What do you want to fight?

I said fuck you fuck you I kill you this weekend again I found out like the true meaning of Like no, no, no, no, of what no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, dude in the back young I could hear I could hear the the wig or all over his voice. Oh, just don't know that. And whatever it was I was saying it was like something that was like, uh, just like over the top. When you talk about Armageddon, do you notice that pisses off? Like, because you do, can you see her, you know, that lady, it's such a description of a 90s like, wigger lady that I wondering if you that gets other Wiggers in the crowd

Matt like a dog whistle with a trolley. Fuck you dude. Fuck you dog. Fuck you dog Very possible. I grew up around black people. Let's want to talk like this dog Yeah, yeah, I'm like here. That my real name is tournament and I go by tea or whatever Tea money tea money dog. Yes, oh white name this guy in the back of the room just it's he goes He was like move on and I was like what and he didn't say I go I go no you say what you said dude you say it. It's fine. I go. I just didn't hear you He goes wait. He was I'll say move on I was like move on the what I go I just need a whole to what? I go, do you know how nice of me to hold break down thing?

I go, what from what I'm saying? I go, no, I go, I didn't know, I didn't know. I was like, I am gonna move on, but my next joke is about the artist who makes baby fucked-all robots for pedophiles so they don't act on their impulses. So are you ready to go? Yeah, and then the crowd like laughed at that. And I was like, give him a little bit.

Is it cool? I count down on the side. Is it cool I go with that? And then the crowd like laughed that. And I was like, give him a little bit. Is it cool? I count down on the side. Is it cool to go with that? And then I was just quiet for a minute. I go, because we said the artist, I go, man, it really is my don't call me chicken needle sing. I can't, good, bad. I go, listen, it was the setup to a joke I was getting ready to do.

But I can't do the joke now, because he's telling me to move on. I go, I go, all I want to do is stay on it. And I just start going with it when I go, well, look, if you you want to move on, dude, I go tell me who you are with it. And I was like, he's like friends. I was like, guys and girls, he's like, uh-huh. And I go, one of the girls you, like, I'll let any of you girl friend and I go, no, I go, be one of the fuck one of them. And he was like, ding, ding, like some, some dumb, like cocky thing like that. And I was like, oh, oh, and she was making a face when I was saying the thing. So you felt you had white, night, or do the thing,

I go, that's totally cool, dude. And I was like, well, what is it? You know, you want to talk, just like, again, I said something about me, the crowd laugh again. I go, look, you try to get pussy, dude, I go, I'll give you one. Don't ever open your mouth, I got to me again. I go, I'll give you some, I go, open your mouth like that to me again.

I'll give you some more. I'll move on, dude. You better fuck this guy, because he's, you know, I was doing a little like sort of kudos. Down dog. Damn it, dog. No, you are so cute, though. You can't have salami.

Salami's not for dogs. And he goes, he just started, I was mixing up with him a little bit and then I just go, I was like, well, go ahead, dude, I go, what are you gonna say? And he just started making noises and I was like, dude, if you're gonna talk with me, I'll talk with you. Did you give you the chat hanks?

Ah, oops, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'll, he'd you say? And you go, huh? Like you just say the word, huh? And you're like, ooh, it's driving me nuts. But I was like, something like, let's mix up with words. But he was, I gave him kudos, man. He was really smart. He just handled it very well.

Yeah. Because he goes, I was like, what's the, I started just going with him. I go, now go, what do you say? And then he didn't say anything again. And I was like, dude, come on. Don't, like, puss and just say this Stuff when you can't hear what did you say and he was like I'm done

He just goes I'm done. I was like all right I don't want to do this game He's like I think I'm already know for my head. It's like yeah, I'm assuming that but whatever was he was like I'm done I don't want to play this anymore. I don't want to do it. He's like, he, oh, did you see when I was all talking and then the guy, please stop. Yeah. Please stop.

I don't like this anymore. Respectfully. Man, it always blows my mind. Listen, I understand people know me. Some people legitimately just know me from doing a matrimonant pressure. But to yell it out in a live show like I'm gonna be like Excellent point. Yes, let's do macho man right now, and there's been people that are like do macho man, and I'm like go fuck yourself

I told you that was last week. I said on the show and I when the guy was like When the guy was like I was talking to a girl and I was like hey miss Tell them talk about Corey Feldman. Oh my God. Yeah. Right. So he was like, what? Man, it all goes back to that guy in Seattle that heckled. It was like we had been a show for a year.

And he had just heckled me with bonfire stuff to the point where I was like, Hey, what do you expect? Jay's not here. We can't do this. Yeah. Do this thing. He's like, all right, Jacob. Bonfire for me. But then you get out, you understand when people are so drunk that

they're just like, I listen to you a lot. And you're just in the room with me. And I completely get that. I completely get that. Oh, but it's weird to be like, do the thing that I like doing they get amped up. It's fine. I ended up taking a picture with this lady because her husband's like a big, big fan. They sat right up front, I talked to him a bunch, but I didn't realize how hammered she was when I went backstage after the show, she just came barreling into the green room.

Great. I mean, barreling it. She goes, my husband's a pair of, I go miss, I don't think you're allowed back here. And then the manager like, Miss, you gotta get out of here. She goes, no, I know, I know, but like, he just, he's a big fan.

He wants picture to go miss. I'll go outside in a little bit, but I go, you have to get out of here seriously She goes I don't understand what the thing I just like he's a big fan and then she's like sweet when I got outside She was sweet, but it was like it was just a bombastic move. It was actually a weird week Some tomorrow's first live show, but well talk about it. You want yeah, I'll save some of it There was some funny audience stuff with this yeah It's talking the how great those gifts were that we got we talked about that on yeah, we'll save some of it. There was some funding audience stuff with this. Yeah, it was talking to how great

those gifts were that we got. We talked about that on. Yeah, we got a couple things from Kansas City to bring up. But what's great is you can't spoil it if you talk about it on Monday, but you have to talk about it on Monday. Because then you can be like, everyone I talk about. Yeah, we'll get to it. Because there's a wild thing that happens weekend with the audience outside. Are you noticing people? Last time I was on the road, it was in Columbus at the funny bone.

Last month, and I'm going to be back on the road in May, have you noticed people getting more excited because you've been consistently going out? And like the past couple of weeks now that the vaccines are becoming more and more common? Oh, people getting excited at the shows. Yeah, like people are people. I think it's been good. The whole like quarantine, the people that are coming out are like so excited to be

But now what you're getting is people that maybe were on the line that are that aren't dedicated comedy fans Just kind of want to go out what you're almost actually seeing a little more that then maybe explains like trepidation in them You know, I mean they are a little more worried and this but it was a The crib this weekend was good. That club's a, it's a nice club man. Kansas City Improv. Yeah. They, a nice menagerie of comics.

Like C. Tony Roberts was coming there and the guys be fuck girls are going. I don't, well fucking wild story. I'll tell you off there about FaZe on Love there. I can't wait to hear that story. That's also one of the most fun parts of comedy is because it's basically like a workspace that you use. So every weekend, it's like there's a different boss.

And so when you show up and you're just like decent to the staff and they're like, thank you. And you're always like, it's not a big deal. You guys remember doing it and then you're like, oh no, no, no, because there's some weekends where you're like, I'm in the living hell. One club told me that Carlos Monsia did 90 minutes on a Wednesday and it's like a Wednesday show. So they think it's like, eh, they had line it'll do 50,

all set and done. It's an eight o'clock show. They're like telling their friends, like I'll be out of there at 9.30, 10 at the latest. He does 90 and they're like you got off stage at 10 15 They'll be like what the fuck I hate it so much. Yeah, but it is you get to go be a champion in comedy clubs if you're Even a kind of decent human being. It's the same theory I Say about this building that I live in now where I'm like downstairs like they love us because

We just are cool to them. Any more noise complaints? No, but I that's not the front desk though. Maybe move out. Maybe on a new place. Fuck off, baby. I'm not sure what happened, but no, we haven't got another one yet. Maybe we're paying more time on that, but whatever it is being nice here, it's the same thing with the staff. Like, how many comics come in and are shitty to the staff, I guess, and just weird to them that when you're just like, I always say on stage, like to make you take care of your way,

staff, like, you know, they're working hard for you. And I was like, and there's like, thank you so much. I really think it's like getting someone that's been human trafficked, and then just having a regular relationship with them. No, I love you, and I want to be with you. Yeah, they go, okay, but when I'm asleep, you're not gonna put cigarettes out on me, right?

Yes, but I have sex with all your friends or you'll send me to a bed to the bad place. You're gonna go, no, I want to take care of you and I want to be happy. I was giving you my phone to see what you wanted to order off seamless. Okay. But now do I go on your basement

and have your children and live their chained up? If I don't choose what you choose, are you gonna hit me? No, it's your choice. But comedy clubs every weekend see in them and you're like, hi and then when you leave they're like, hey come back or you when you sign off on someone you're like, oh Nate's coming? You guys are gonna fucking love Nate. Yeah. Oh we will. Okay. Oh thank God. Oh man, me and Christina have had so many fights, especially on cheat days About what the fucking eat so you're happy you're going back to Queens. Yeah, so you guys can I make your own decisions I'll tell you what McDonald's

You wouldn't this weekend again great story of McDonald's. Yeah, because I didn't want to eat both nights like improv food. Cause it's where you get, I was just like burger and salad or whatever. So like, just like yeah, let me get something else. I think there's gotta be something open afterwards. You go yeah, like there's fast food, stuff should be open. And I was like, all right, there's,

there's no Arbys, maybe that'll be open. Worst gets there, I'm thinking Wendy's. Then at one point, she was at Burger King might be open. I was like, all these are viable things. Did I just get like a small order at cheating a little bit, but you know, I get a two cheeseburger meal. Buddy, almost.

So I go, I get there. This is so fucking funny. It's a long, long line because what happens is nothing's open except McDonald's. Yeah. So sorry to long story short that, but. No, no, no, no, no. When that happens, and that's when McDonald's

becomes like a fucking Michelin star restaurant where everyone's there, it's like, it's hard to get a table. Yeah, it's hard to get a table. It was a crazy line. So we get this ordering part, and I was like, I was to do what I go. Let me get a, let me get two cheeseburger meal, large. And then I was like, what I got,

I get a knee that day so I was like, oh, let me get a mick chicken cause I wanted to like take that off the bun and like, yeah, eat man-ass-y chicken. And I was like, you're weighing out like why it's not gonna be that bad for you. Do you know what I mean? I know it's a lot better.

The calories wise is actually not crazy what's going on here so far. And then I'm looting the math. I'm doing the calorie math then. Yeah, and I go, you know what? Back when Trish was a teacher at Weight Watchers, she'd be very proud of you. Do you know what's not a wacky amount of calories? Well, as I'm looking at the menu, I've already ordered my two cheeseburger meal. Great.

Large. Number two. McChicken. Sandwich. Great. Take a buck or something. Yeah. And I'm looking at the menu, I go, are you kidding?

It's only 300 calories for a hot-fudge sundae. And like, not, and like, under that significantly for an apple pie. I don't like that. I'll trust that. I'll trust that math. I go I go I'm gonna get a hot-fudge sundae and she orders it for me and then I go From when I'm apple pies while you're at it. Oh, why not dude double-dumbo cheeseburg two cheeseburgers Large fries, large-diac diacote, Mick chicken. Man, I'm about to get McDonald's tonight. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Got it. We're launching. We're launching. Q-bottles. Delta.

Zeta. Victor. So I get it. I get the bag's big. I go, can you throw in four hot mustard, four barbecues? I go, absolutely. Throws and puts them in the bag. When I open the bag from the put that stuff in,

I see the large fry on top of the bag. I grab two little fries and I go, offer a man to the manager from five, she's like, no, I'm okay, and we go and we pull off. She goes, wait, did they give you your drink? I went, oh no, and I go, you know what, it's fine. They have sodas at the hotel. Yeah, they're so machine.

And I was like, A lot of hotels got rid of their soda machines because of COVID. Yeah, this was just, they were at the front desk, like sodas for sale. But I'm saying, in that crazy, and they even have diet doctor pepper, so we're gonna better anyway.

Come on. So I hate diet soda. I can drink diet doctor. It's great. So I go, I didn't even get a diet doctor pepper, could I go up and I go, you know, maybe I say I got so much shitty food, just drink my water. Great. It's wasted. Yeah, sugar or anything. I go upstairs, I get my

clothes, and then I, I talked to you before, Christine, or after it was after, right? It was a second, I go, you know what? And it was Friday night. So I go, I just found out that I could watch the Sixers game in full on NBA League Pass after the game. Got your jammies on? Yeah. Got yourself a nice little meal?

Yes. I put nothing better on the road. I put all my jammies, I lay. Two shows down, two more go than your home. I lay on my tum tum with that giant bag of food, like resting by the head board. I'm trying to paint a picture for you. I'm laying on my tummy diagonal.

I love it. Looking at my tea thing. Smoke Just a wonderful joint from a lovely from the guy you worked with the Kansas City. Yeah, yes That one of those joints for sure. We just smoked questions. I was like fantastic I go you know what? I just smoked all my guilt away. I May even eat the bread on this fucking mechic. Oh That's where I'm at in my mind at this point. And I opened the bag and it was just the wrong order. It was three orders of French fries, large with 700 napkins that weren't like folded up. They were like all like smushed and you're like packing paper.

They washed it like packing paper. Yeah, they gave it away. We're like, you felt the way to the bag and you're like, oh, this is everything. It was just, it was, you know, everything. It just gave me the wrong order. That's why they didn't give me a drink either. And I was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, dude, what an, and I laughed it off. I was like, I even texted the manager and she was like,

oh my God, you want me to come back and like, take you back for I go, no, I deserve that for getting fucking McDonald's on a sad or on a Friday Man, I was a guy to serve everything I got there and I started laughing off. I was like well tonight I just have I ate a large fries for dinner. Oh, man, but with hot mustard sauce So I'll be honest with you. I didn't hate it. It's still tasty Listen, you're I may have also had a fries in a half. I mean, I was really I didn't eat anything that day at all That was my entire food consumption.

You're talking to the condiment king. So do you think I don't think hot mustard can raise a french fry from just a regular thing to a whole meal from bushly to like, you know what? Tonight's not a total loss. I can get you there with hot mustard. He, he, he, he, he, french fries is a meal. I can get you there.

Yeah, there's not a bigger bummer than the wrong order delivery. And you're like, oh, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he you what, though, man, I'm just gonna enjoy it. Let's just go for it. I'll exercise tomorrow. Yeah. Tomorrow, I know I know what I'm eating already for dinner tomorrow is gonna be like plain Jane. Me. Who does that? So I'm like, but that's the left hand.

I'll grab yourself and then I honestly, you know, I got through to myself saying it tonight with my good cheese sticks. I was like, maybe something I'll get cheese sticks. And with McDonald's fries and chicken nuggets. Pig. Maybe. But yeah, maybe. You guys are gonna make me make some naughty decisions.

Well, you can't be dead. I'm gonna go off and bag my whole nights where it makes a lot of loans from wrong. Norst or a straw for a fountain soda. I did check in order before I'm like, just don't drive away, make the person behind his weight like check this fucking word. I said me and the man, the cheese person behind his way, like check this fucking word. I said me and me and the, and Amanda, that she's the

manager of the club, both so like, we're both bag checkers. I was like, I'm usually better at that. I don't know, I still have fries on top. And I was like, ma'am, I thought how big the bag was I'm like, it's, they probably gave me too much. There are times that talk about McDonald's, though, where we decide not to check the bag is where like ever missing something. Thank God. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Because you're so ashamed. You're so ashamed.

You're like, I hope they forgot you. $80 to talk about. It's not enough. But having the wrong order does hurt. It always stings because you're like, it does. But I said that one did make me a three fries when it was all a three words of fries. Because almost I feel like McDonald's, you can get so nasty with it that

even if they would have given you a big and tasty or a fish fillet You would have enjoyed it something Out of the other houses order. Well, here's the thing. It would have really been nice I'm good instead of these three instead of these three orders of fries Maybe it was like three orders of fries and have like each kind of sandwich if you could choose maybe from that Even if it wasn't again what I wanted. Yeah, I'm a big Mac, maybe like you said, or whatever. And it was just, yeah, it was just fucking three orders of fries. Should we get big Macs tonight?

Should we do McDonald's as a family? Sure. But I was gonna say, that's what you should think about dance sometimes too. Like me and Christine have really just given up on a couple of shames in our lives. And one of them is having two different places bring to food fuck party I'll tell you what I'm thinking is here's my little naughty thing is I want to order some fucking chicken nuggets and a chicken sandwich from McDonald's with a fountain sprite from McDonald's and then just really hate myself about Dan yeah, but I'll say what for that 30 minutes when you're eating it all though

You're I asked the best when you're better put it better you're reaching over piles of food Get this stuff to your why to put my fries so far here I go why did I lie and say if I put the fries far away I wasn't gonna finish them. Get over here, you waffle fry bitch. You better put some diapers on me because I'm about to leak come. I'll just fucking.

I totally forgot that we found out that there's a Chick-fil-A that delivers here. Put it Sunday. It is a Lord's Day. You gotta pull that move on a Saturday. Yeah. Yeah, when you're here not on a Sunday we're doing it. When we want to eat chicken and say fuck gage.

And the B-rod got chicken, got Chick-fil-A, and then just parked down by the Brooklyn Bridge. And just fucking ate it in the car, and it was a great thing. What a couple of detectives. So if you want to watch me almost, so much Chick-fil-A so fast that I almost threw up during an entire podcast, was Ron Funch's podcast when I was in LA promoting the HBO special. They had me like, like all, none of the LA comics would like book me through my, you hire someone to be like, hey I gotta do all these interviews or whatever and just besides people I knew personally closely, they were booking me than Arie's like, that's

ridiculous. So Arie got me on on Bert's podcast, on Santino's podcast, on Joey Diaz. He was undercover like a comedy manager of the... He just really hooked it up and all the guys in LA outside of Rogan had me on the thing, but the people I knew I had already booked like with Ron Funches, doing Kelsey Cook's, Fuzball thing. These are people that I had talked to about doing it. So I did all these days, I did Ryan Cikler's Honey Do, and then Bert or Fighter in the Kid and then Bert.

I did like four podcasts in a row. And I'm like, man, I'm fucking hungry. And I took it, I was like, to the Uber driver, I'm like, hey, you wanna go to Chick-fil-A? And he's like, yeah. And I was like, dude, get whatever you want. I'm gonna get it. So I got two chicken sandwiches and a like, yeah. And I was like, dude, get whatever you want. I'm gonna get it. So I got two chicken sandwiches and a big sweet tea.

And I was like, this'll be fine. And I was eating them in the car and I ate it so fast that Ron, when we got to his house, was like, you wanna hang out? And I was like, and you just walked through the whole. You're giving me this with my pants on button? Yeah, and then you see me halfway through, pull out of it.

And it's such a better podcast than I'm like, I'm not gonna throw up but that first time because I ate it so fast Do you eat it fast? I feel like because you don't want to get full before you can clicking Well, no, it was it was it was it was it was hot and I was like man this chicken sandwich is good And I ate it and you know what it's like being an addict you eat one and you're like well that one was so good The second one will be better like you eat one and you're like, well that one was so good. The second one will be better. I'm so heavy, I have another one. And I ate it so fast and I was like,

getting out of the car, I was like, oh. I love that you've observed before the thing, I was describing this, this weekend, and somebody that the fucking unspoken war that begins when we start eating the Inchristine if we're eating the same thing sure The war of like staring at each other's thing because if that I've what you don't want to finish first Because then you're just upset that you don't have anymore. Oh my god. You're watching somebody else still enjoy it

And we it's like a had no one talks about, but I mean, I do it with Katie all the time. I will out eat her, I will finish mine, and then we'll have something we're splitting, and she won't have dug into her portion of it, and my 50% is a gown. And I'll be like, are you done eating that? It's you'll hit me with such honesty where she's like,

I haven't even ate any of it yet. So why would I be done with it? And I'm like, just do you want another piece of it? And you're like, God, you're gonna be a big ask for this. Yes! That's how the world is. So why would you hit me be direct? Oh, gross.

I'll say what I want. Dude, it's like, it's like, dude, me and Christine, when we get pizza, it's like, old west sizing up. When one person's like, me and Christine when we get pizza. It's like old West sizing up when one person's like if one person finishes their slice of pizza first Even if they want another slice immediately Well, I'll do a full blown and Christine to slide the plate away do a full sit back on the couch almost like I'm not gonna have a second I'm gonna check it and then we wait and then and Christine will break down eventually and be like Do you want a second piece and like yeah, if you grab a second piece? Yeah, I guess Bobby would what time I was on the road with him

Bobby was like we're eating a pizza and I finished my my piece, but I didn't finish the crust So I just went and grabbed another one he goes did what are you doing? And I was like I'm getting on a piece of pizza. He gets that's not the rules Got to finish a crust before you move on and I was like, I'm getting another piece of pizza, he gets. That's not the rules. Got to finish your crust before you move on. And I'm like, I don't want to finish my crust. He's like, that's how we eat pizza, dude. When we get a Joe's from fucking Colin and I agreed. You finished the slice, you got to eat your crust.

And I'm like, there's a Collins weird thing. It's a gale rule, but I'm gonna have another piece of pizza. And he shut it down. He's like, not down. You're fucking finishing your pizza. Maybe it's fat kinship, but I gotta say to you, what's up with not finishing your crust? I don't know. I don't want to finish the crust. I want the fucking. Do you know he crust? I do if I've ranch. I don't have ranch. You know, I take cheese off. I'm such a

fucking fat. I take cheese off like the tip of the pizza. And then. So yeah, and then I like tear that into weird two portions and then put that crust, put it back on the crust. I see what you're doing. Do you guys, do I do the funniest thing with pizza now? I was like, you know, I was always like a four slice at least, you should be five slices if I was getting naughty. Oh yeah, like a large pizza for two people at a point

was like, this is gonna fucking suck because I'm not gonna get to eat what I want to eat Yeah, so it's which is not the case now. Thank God. Yeah, but what I will do going for because like I what I feel is now that I go I'm I Have ownership over four slices sure Steens put a pizza that's your equity in the pizza. I have ownership I could do with those four slices what I wish. Absolutely. And what I've told myself. You can bequeath them to your daughter. Absolutely. Or a dog that might be in a diaper.

But I go, there's an alarm going off, so. It's microwave time or something. Oh, it's a special time. Time to give away a bonfire. Oh, what's that, our 15th caller? Well, we're giving away bonfire memorabilia from the hoodie that Jacob wore over his other sweatshirt because we kept it too cold in the studio. I just wanted warmer in the fucking studio.

Oh, what the hell is he just gonna say? I'll just be cold, okay? Um, this dog is very sweet and I'm so sorry that it has to wear a diaper. Yeah, it's so stupid it can't learn how to piss and shit. It just happens. How old is this dog? We're a tarded one. You a puppy? You a puppy? Dumb as shit. You got a diaper for dogs. That's insane. That's even a thing There's a dog where dogs yeah, why are you recording this gonna give me trouble with my girl my my dog sees this

I'm in fucking but we're babe. We're dogs sitting for our from a show right now and one of the dogs. What is it a pommapoo? And it wears a diaper. Yeah, where's the diaper with a hole for the tail Which is by the way a door it is adorable Has it have you ever changed a shit diaper yet on a dog? Shit like out of the diaper what? It's oddly like comes out of the diaper what? It's the shit falls out of the diaper So this dogs shit like a asshole, but not a fucking hi like a Pepsi machine that just leaks out turds Did a boy or girl? Oh, no. Oh, Gracie. That's a girl. That Gracie's a girl. I'm freeze the boy

Well, this girl fucking can you imagine that future? They were it. It's like an old lady. And they just got her. She's a puppy, but she just gets really excited and then she pisses. Yeah, that's what Murdle does. Middle piss pops all the time. Dude, Murdle. They're training her. They just type her on her. I was. Dude, that's so funny. So it's like this. Do this. Do this. Do this. Do this. Do this.

Do this. Do this. Do this. Do this. Do this. Do this. Do this. Do this.

Do this. Do this. Do this. Do this. Do this. Do this. Do this. Do this.

Do this. Do this. Do this. Do this. Do this. And I was very animated about it. And she got up off the couch and started walking around and Mertel was sitting next to me. She was like, where's the dog? She's sitting right next to me. I take a step, I'm like, why is my sock wet? Dude, Mertel pissed, a Tom Hanks in the League of Their Own amount of piss. Really? All around it, just because she hadn't been out.

And she was like, hey, I'm trying to tell you guys you gotta go out, you know what, it's kind of a stolen story. And just started. This is like, I have pissing. I didn't hear this. Dude, hang over piss for sure. Oh, I'm sorry.

I was surprised you didn't do the shake. That's better. But I stepped in it and I was like, oh man, you were fucking, I would do that. This dog's a dog. Just take a piss and someone's a that. This dog's a dog. Just take a piss of someone who's a straight. It's so little shit. But it's one year.

I'm a little bit deeper. He just lays that in dyes. It looks like it just completely sells out. Look at this little one. Man, these are little dogs. You're a big dog guy. I love big dogs. When I lived in Arizona, my friend had his girlfriend

moving with us from San Diego. And she had two T cup truos and I was like dude, I'm not cool with that because I don't want to take care of these dogs They were like two pounds each and I was like I don't want that. I hate tiny dogs like that Finally, they were like so do we know you hate the dogs, but can you please take them out? Because I was going from I got off work at bed bath and beyond and then I was going to the comedy club and I was like, all right, I'll take them out before I go to the comedy club and it was raining. I specifically remember this.

So I get the leashes and I'm walking to the door and their names were Dallas and Champ. And Dallas was the girl and I just go to the door and fucking Dallas just starts pissing right on the door and I went, Hey! Like that and I flipped it with my middle finger on its rib cage. It's a small dog, but I went, stop! Like that and flipped it and the dog went, and then just was like, HMMMMMMMMMM long. And then just the rest of the night I was worried

that my phone was gonna vibrate with the text. It's like, what did you do to Dallas this long? No, I was fine when I brought her back in. Hey, idiot. I was so fucking paranoid about that. So I'm telling you guys is, don't thwap the dogs. Christine, let's take a break so you can change this dog's diaper because I'll tell you what,

it's in a world of piss right now. Yeah, it is. Hey, now tell you what, it's getting that, it's getting that little, what do they call it, the bridge, the bikini bridge. Yeah. Oh, look at me. I'm getting a little peekaboo because you got those fucking, yeah, you got those hip bones. Look at you sexy. Look at you. Look at you. Look at you. Look at you. You little slut. Look at you, little slut. You're at you. Oh, a slut. Look at you, you little slut. You're sexy slut. We'll take a break and we'll be right back everybody. It's the lost tapes, but it's the bonfire.

It's still the bonfire. You've been listening to SiriusXM's bonfire! New episodes, every Tuesday through Friday mornings and full shows, always on Sirius XM's Bonfire. New episodes every Tuesday through Friday mornings and full shows, always on Sirius XM.