The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Choke Me Out (feat. Kim Congdon)

Episode Date: September 8, 2023

Kim Congdon tries to choke out the guys and one of them returns the favor!

I'm Bobby Kelly and it's Big J. Ocarson. We're actually a full radio show on Series XM, not just a podcast. For full episodes of the Bonfire, you can listen on the Series XM app. Go to seriesexm.com slash Bonfire for a special offer. And now the Bonfire with Big J. Ocarson and Robert Kelly I'll tell you what you never look more right than when you're dancing to some old soul funk dude You really do got the look of a white guy who knows a lot about jazz What a compliment it is a compliment. He really does look like he toured with a black jazz musician back in the 60s Oh, I used to play with humpback Willie

He was great No, Lou toured the country's a DJ's assistant Show it's true. We call him DJ Lou because of what he does here His actual outside DJing work is bringing records to a DJ And he also controls that and everything. But that of everything. Oh, baby, we're back. Well, we're back almost.

Oh, sorry. We've been back for a long time. We've been back for three days. And I love being here. That's what I meant. Yeah, this is your third day here. My third day here. Wow.

It's amazing. Bobby's still learning the Terminator timelines. The hard Tuesday, early pre-record is actually going to be playing Thursday. So although we haven't been in a studio yet together in a couple weeks. You're too excited. In two weeks. Yeah. And now, but Bobby, we have to act on this one. Like we've been this is a week already. We're already setting a break. I need a weekend. I need another vacation. I know the vacay has been a lot. Motor York Beach man this weekend just to take it off. But the crew is all here.

I mean, someone zoom, Black Lou, Jacob Batat, coming in from flow rider, dude. Whoa. Look how happy he never smiles like this in here. Ever. I saw him smile last time I was here. Yeah, because you were here. Yeah. Because of him smile last time I was here. Yeah, because you were here. Cause he knew it's all you. We have to bring a pretty girl and everyone's in a

water. Fucking wake Jacob up. Yeah. Look alive. But thought he does look like the colors coming back to his face. But Jacob's in Florida. Have you already fished? I have. Yes. Oh, yeah. Did you play the drums? I have. I'm on a few tunes. Did you do any water, water coloring? Did you do any painting by the shore? Have you turned all the creepy dolls in your bedroom around and masturbated in your mom's guest bed? To Christine. They're not in the room anymore. The dolls are out of the room. Why? The reason I'm here this week and not in the room with Kim and all of you is because it's Vivian's birthday her 80th birthday. Really? My mom so all the batats are converging on Florida. What a classic. Otherwise I'd be in the studio with you.

When's the birthday? It's Thursday. Vivian's a hot name. That's a classic woman name I like it I might bring Vivian back we should start naming babies Vivian. Yeah, it's always let's name it Already by the way our guest why I played that sexy s opening song everybody is the hilarious and great Kim Kongs in the house I mean for the whole show what's up everybody one of the funniest people I know for the whole show. What's up everybody? One of the funniest people I know.

Yeah, Kim, if you watched Legion of Skanks live this week, you saw Kim pull off the acting performance of a lifetime. Did you see it, Lou? No, Christine told us about it. Oh, I mean, it was fantastic. Kim emerged on the crowd. We started the show saying Lewis wasn't available.

Lewis, Jay Gomez, by the way, special available already out. This is the beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. Lewis is special. Yeah, check it out on YouTube. Yeah, he can't even it's with Lewis J. Gomez. It's got a great special out right now. Go check it out. But he was down in Austin promoting everything down there and doing his weekend. And he wasn't here. So Kim emerged and I'm here, doggy, and then open the thing and blew everyone away coming out in a bald cap with a baseball hat, a little fucking shit streak mustache. I mean, dead on that loose dick hair on the

chin. The same promotional shirt. Yeah was his shirt, yeah. And then Jean shorts, or I'm sorry, not Jean shorts, Camel shorts. And it just- And they have the same hips. You have the same hips as Louis J. Gomez has a nice wide birthing hip. We both have shapely womanly legs.

It really did. Yeah, it was fun. Kim committed to character for an hour and a half or more on the show. It was so funny. If you don't subscribe to the guest, it'll be worth it for this for seeing the uncensored version of this. I would watch that. I was watching that podcast. I would watch that with you doing Lewis. I would watch that podcast. She had it down to, if you noticed her knee was tapping, the Adderall tap, that she had going on top of it.

Nonstop legs. Nonstop legs. I mean, I was so into it, I felt like, you know, when the Joker was like, he fled your story doing drugs. I felt like I was like, my mom's dead and my dad was stabbed to death. I am really so jealous, Jacob. I was so into it, I told Alex, I was like, I was doing things that people might not notice. Jay handed me the joint and I told Alex, I was like, I was doing things that people might not notice.

J. Hannity, the joint, and I would just smoke the whole thing. And I was like, I was just, I was fully. And then gave it back when it was like a little love. And when Orr, when finish, put it out way early. You didn't think the woman inside of me was like, God, he deserves to have more of his own joint. But I was like, I have to commit. This is exactly what Louis would do.

You made me flinch three times. Yeah, constant, going, constant shadow boxing or going for the double leg take down. I have to commit. This is exactly what Lou needs to do. You made me flinch three times. Yeah. Constant going, constant shadow boxing or going for the double leg take down. Just maple grabs. Uncomfortable. I mean, she made me uncomfortable. Knocking drinks over several times.

That you look at me and just go, hmm, like just an angry face. And I'm like, what, what did I do? Annoying the audience. By the way, I also say, talk about a killer impression and actor, actor working it beyond the glory of the crowd. If I didn't say anything, it would've been funnier if I didn't, I really shouldn't.

I'm just exposed it here, but every time there was a pretty girl on the screen when we were doing a contest, came with lean over to me, just to me, and go like, move on, move on, I know this one. I know this one. I know this one. No, no, I thought I'd love to do this one, but that's what I know. It was. Hey, I know my friend.

It was. Fuck it, crazy. Did you fuck away just last night? Um, yes. No, no, never. They're just my friends. She's moving in. I remember.

She's moving in I Moving in right now. I have the Jamesy. I do have a trip next week. No waitress won't be here He does go in a lot of trips the man goes on more trips than I've ever seen. Oh, yeah No, the guy lives on vacay. He's a vacay boy. He's a vacay boy. Yeah, he's taking you on a lot of vacays I went on well. I got with the list when he was poor. I will say, I'm the last woman that ever loved Lewis for him. I was the last one, and I hope he remembers that. When I met Lewis, his lampshade was on a cardboard box. Nice.

Next to his bed. That's right. I think we went to Tampa. We're in Tampa, but that's where your family was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's where the vacations we went on. I got to make it. I got to make it. I got to Jamaica spots in there.

Nice. I got an Equinox membership. Oh, nice. That's a good. I get my own festival at Skankfest. That's true. Yeah, that's that's Alamoney. I've done pretty well for myself.

That's the Alamoney. Yeah. Kim could really stir my life up pretty bad. So yeah, Kim, run, run to the game. And whatever you want to do with the gig, I tell everyone and I feel pretty spot on about this. Lewis feels like my ex has been not my ex boyfriend. Doesn't it feel like that? Like I'm in his ex wife.

Like it was like just like the way that I don't know. Well, in the sense that like anybody else who's still around, like just in the world that Lewis dated, like I don't know if I'm as daily much friends with it. Do you know what I mean? So it's like, you know my secrets. It is, so it's like a different thing of like, you guys have my secrets.

We do give me secrets. What's a secret? Tell me a secret. He knows a good one. We can't say it on air, but secret tell me a secret? He knows a good one. Tell me Good one. He has a good one. Oh, who I'm seeing. It's the best. I know who you're seeing. I can I can I won't but it's I mean More you I mean it does it's kind of out there. Is it I don't think it is. I don't think Bobby knows who the person is. Who'd you think it was though? It's crazy. Look at Bobby's face. It's not crazy. That's a fucking another universe. That's a goodie. Right? That's a what the fuck? I would have to time travel from where I was to where that is.

Yeah, it was a yet another universe for me. You should have seen our first date. He was telling me about himself and I was like, I know everything. I know everything about you and I have since I was 15 years old. My dog was named after you. You got, it's funny you got bored of him after walk. He's like like I know He's kind of a regular guy

He's not absolutely not I was gonna say what he couldn't be further from regular. I think Bobby thinks it's somebody else I thought it was the MMA fighter no Everybody thinks that after my podcast. Jorge Mossbuddle. You had such a good reporter together, and you guys look so cute together. Oh, and multiple people have said that you make almost a come noise when you're with them in that wrestle. Yeah, that wrestle was arousing.

Wow. Did you hear my throat? Yeah, I did. It's my stomach. I'm sorry, was it gurgling for a dick That's actually my my baby stomach this is the his friend is getting hard to give you acid reflex Just happens I don't know ever since I get a heartburn from that info my throat talks. I don't know Yeah, no a lot of people said that there's nothing with there's nothing between you There was something I will tell you and if I have a hard time lying so I can't it's also been hit on by

Multiple MMA fighters Yeah, haven't you like yeah, yeah, because she's in MMA. Yeah, yeah, I do And and You know, yeah, that makes sense for sure and yeah, she's smoking hot. Yeah, that helps yeah Now I think that he's hot for sure. And I also had a crush on him for a long time. So if you were with the other person in this, no, that's not stopping me.

I just think that I don't need to fuck everyone I have a crush on. Because I'm starting to meet a lot of them. Like before I was meeting the people that I had a crush on, I was like, I'd fuck them all. And now that I'm meeting them all, I'm like, I can't just stack. You went out there with a follow-up.

You just check and produce, you see. Yep. I'm going to do two in every category. Okay. You don't want to John Mayer, everybody? No, two is my max. Yeah, I've full disclosure here. So Alex, Scarlotto, our lovely producer from our Skankfest is sitting in studio with us. We should probably get her on my case at some point, but she has been Kim Kong didn't fun fact knows how to solve a Rubik's cube. I do. In like two minutes. I can do that.

She learned something of it in two minutes, five seconds. There's a trick, right? Yeah. She taught Alex. Alex has been, I haven't seen her since for the last four or five days with a Rubik's cube in her hand. Never solved once. Can I just say you, but she walked up to me and said, I know how to do it now. You had a child and you look fucking amazing. Thank you. I mean, she looks like I had the child. It's crazy. Yeah, you, I just

saw pictures of Don after she had the baby and I didn't realize she was a chubby little mess after she had max. Not a chubby little mess. Guys, don't worry. I took Christine gives birth this thing. She's going to snap back too. Don't say shit like that. That's fucking nuts.

You look fantastic. Thanks. God bless you. You got it. No problem. Good job, Alex. Get your body back and shit. Are you doing anything though? Or is just kind of natural? You're so naturally thin. I started running this week because I'm like

I'm like let her not start. She was already back to her pre-body weight and she's like let me start running I'm like it would take me 10 and a half years In vomiting 14 times a day to look like how she has to pre-baby weight I'm almost back. I'm like seven pounds away from pre-baby weight But my body looks like different. Like it's like softer in the middle. I feel so that's why I'm running now. Yeah, you're getting warmed up. Yeah, a little bit. I'm bracing. You got titties now. How fun. Hardly.

They went away? Yeah, they're kind of gone. Yeah, you're breast feeding? I was. I gave Ian Fyde and a couple drops of my breast milk yesterday. Be careful. Bobby's gonna gurgle again. Oh no, I'll make Bobby, that's pretty gross, but Bobby. They didn't put enough cream in my iced coffee at Starbucks, I was wondering if you squeezed it. Would you like a drop? I'll put one on my finger and you can have some.

Can I tell you something about my ex? I'm offering a few notes. You can't say that for us, Bobby. On your finger, too. Yeah. Suck it off my finger. When Lewis. Suck off my friend's milk off my finger. When Lewis had a baby, he came in and we did on YKWD, he brought in a whole thing of bees' breast milk.

And we had cream, half and half regular milk and breast milk and we went around the room and decided which was the best. And breast milk won. Now, it tastes like cereal milk. Let me tell you one of my favorite things about Bobby that he shares with my ex-wife, actually, Carla is a quick, my balls.

The same herpes. No quick trigger on, on gag reflex. Oh, yes, same. And I will tell you, Bobby, I did something last week that you would have been ashamed of me for. Christine I think was ashamed of me for and I was ashamed of myself. But on the SDR, no, that's great.

Shame to my show. You texted someone on your belly. I do that always. Tell me dad. Tell me dad. No, on the SDR show, we played a game where we played a trivia game. And we had a three cups in front of us that we couldn't see what was in it. It was Tequila was one, one was water and one about 15 minutes before our guest, porn star Gigi, Gigi, oh, don't say squirt. She squirted into a luch the cup. Now. Ew, dude. I've, listen, don't say squirt. She's squirted into a look the cup now. Oh, dude. I've

listen, I'm an adult man. I've danced with some squirts in my life and I'll tell you from the squirts. Yeah, that's my Indian name. Don, don't squirt it one time. I got, we got no fight. I don't know how clean it is wet shit up. Well, from the tap, I find nothing gross about it. I'll tell you what, when it sits no, Bobby, it gets a viscosity to it. It's like an avocado. Yeah, it wouldn't leave my throat. Does it separate like ice coffee with the waters on top?

A little. Bobby, and then here's the thing. Separates piss from cum. Come is like that. Now the reason sitting around. Yeah. Why are you drunk old come? No, but I've seen like come is very different. Smash to the face of it. Put your headphones on. You know how to produce a god damn show. You get it with very different like a minute after it comes out. And it was even the second. You got to get come fresh because they die. It was yeah, that's what I felt like I was drinking death.

Dead girl calm. Yeah, like over. It's like eating someone's old fingernail. It's just done. Can't believe you drink squirt. Yeah, why would you drink squirt? I didn't foresee it being as gross as it was. And also the chance to be me and Ralph only drank one of the three each we got one wrong and both happened to guess wrong and here's what I didn't like it looked that much like water we couldn't see them okay uh and then what freaked me out as I thought no matter what I thought if I would have looked at it it would have looked like tequila or water and and when I took the shot and put it down,

I was like, no, that was definitely it. I looked in the cup, that was the worst part. So I looked in the cup and it was like yellow and thicker than I did. Oh, it was not good. Oh, it wasn't good. I'm gonna pass out. Don't though, don't. Oh, you drinking squirt is.

That's the old me. Yeah, but squirt from somebody who, you don't know, that's the old me yeah, but squirt from somebody who You don't know it's like a strange squirt That's Gigi's squirt Gigi's hot. I doesn't matter dude. She's squirting into a cop and you really don't know her I feel like I'd rather have a regular citizen squirt than a porn star squirt Human being over a porn star squirt. A decent human being over a porn star. A citizen squirt is probably fresher. I don't argue. What?

I don't argue that a pull a fresher. Yeah, it's a fresher squirt. It doesn't count. She's not squirting all the time. I'd argue that a porn star squirt is probably the clearest because they are forced to constantly get like tested and shit. So that would be the argument there. Either way, either way, wouldn't drink squirt that was been sitting out

ever again under any circumstance. How was fear factor way? How long can squirt sit out? I think. A lot about AIDS. My guess would be seconds before it turns. So we're talking fresh squirt. Like if you have to squirt,

this would be squirting into your mouth. Can I ask a question? Please. Do they call kid squirt? Because that's what they used to be. Oh. Pfft. Woof.

That's meta. Right? Squirt? No, I squirt. Squirt. You want to go, you want to come, squat at one point? My little squirt. I think squirt.

You know that was a dad when time walking with us. When he's like, that's my little squirt right there. That's such a dad nickname. My squirt grew feet and hands. I almost drank my squirt. I mean, I think I literally think just the other day, Lewis references sons who as his my come. He's like, my little comes growing up.

I kind of like, I'd rather. I'd rather. How's your come? My come is good. I call him my wife's egg. Would you rather, would you rather drink strangers, uh, minute old squirt? No. Or your own come. Can I pick neither? Nope. Okay. This is a gun that the head won. This is a gun that the head, some very weird person has a gun to your head. They got some weird taste, but say what? It looks weird out of there. He's wearing a red hoodie and red sneakers and a chain wallet.

It just looks like if you do what this guy says, he'll probably let you live. Jay has a gun to my head. You have to drink either one. Bobby, you have to send it around the room, don't one. I would definitely drink my calm, because it's mine. Yeah, I drink my own. I'm getting high on my own supply. I would not, but for a girl would be minute old calm or your own squirt.

My own squirt any day. Alex? Let's just wait. Who's called you to go? My own squirt? No, that's not true. Who's calm is it? My, my, my, my, my, my, my. It's your own squ who's phone? My own scum is it? My own scum? That's right. Who's commas it? My, my, my, my,

It's your own squirt or stranger come? Yeah, my own squirt. This is the worst conversation ever, but the best. But generally I'd rather, like if I, if it was, if it was like my man's come, I would just rather have the come because I've tried that before, never tried. Yeah, dance or no. I got you, but now it made me think my,

rethink my answer because it's Harrington's come. You've never tried your own. I mean, I don't really squirt. I've never even gone for a little. I was taking a taste. I was taking a taste. I was taking a taste. I was taking a taste.

I was taking a taste of pussy, but not squirt. No. This is great. This is so hot. What I mean, I was just saying, you've taken a, you've tasted your own squirt? No, I mean, I've, mean, I don't squirt. But you've tasted your pussy. It is just to see how it tastes.

What? If I'm about to hang out with a guy, I'll sometimes have a little. Every girl? You got it. Every girl. Every girl. 100% of women.

If I'm about to hang out with a guy, and I know he's about to go down on me, I will taste it. Or even there's a chance. You guys are tasting your pussy, like a chef tasted dish before it goes out. It just needs more salt. And Gordon Ramsay says that's what you should do before you send out Bolshean to the world. It's true. That's what he says Jacob is actively masturbating

mate Yeah, that's what he said you said you your own come or my own come Let me give a little let me give a little bonfire context here. So people know who we're talking about here. Of course, Alex is the producer of Legion of Skanks over at Gas Digital. She somehow fell in love with a guy who used to live out back on the bench.

I mean, Mike Harrington, he's a lovely man. And together they made a gorgeous baby that we just found out the other day. Thank God looks exactly like Alex. I mean, gorgeous. The face is coming in and I'm seeing all Alex. No Harrington, but it does change. It might be the most good looking Harrington to ever exist. It's very, very. Maybe he's going back and forth though. Max looked like me and then it

looked like Don that it looked like me and now he looks like Don. It goes back and forth. So those were his non-binary years. He might go, he might switch over to him at one point. That's okay. I'll over. I would love one of my friends to have to make me call their killing demand that I call their kid a new pronoun. That would be fun. Damn, that would be fun.

I am blown away that girls taste their own vaginas before you. Really? Your wife tasted her own vagina. I don't. Yes, she has. I. Yes, she has. I. Yes, she has.

She has. She has. And unless she's mad at me, then let's not call her. Bobby, she definitely has. She has. I don't think she has. She's with Max. I don't think she has.

She only has this question. Yeah, that's true. But I bet she's tasted her so. I don't think she has. We found it on the show last week. Live that my mother had to admit that she's hooked up with the girl. Dawn. Hi, Daddy. Donna, you with the girl. Dawn, hi, daddy. Dawn, are you in the car with Max?

Hi, daddy. Yes, we just, so I just picked him up. Oh, we have a question. No, no, I'll call you back. I love you. I'll call you right back. Oh, good, Max is there. We have a question for you. This first day of school. Bobby, you've never been getting ready to hook up and do the little, like, side nut check yourself? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. you want that you're gonna hook up and you've spent it you've spent a day I've never hooked up with that not showing since yesterday that's never I've been wafted at least but I definitely like slide your hand up in the you know the beside the ball cracks and just make sure you're not sticking just go down there and do what you got to do you'll let me know by her face will let me know

something let me know if I need to go yeah hey while you're down there tell me if it stinks that's a three shits at, while you're down there, tell me if it stinks. That's a three shits at work. While you're down there, tell me if it stinks. It's my worst nightmare. Her eyebrows will tell me if I need to wipe something up. Do you ever think if anyone's ever stopped me from eating the pussy and asked me if it's happening? I mean, my wife says it's smell bad.

She looks like a retro-show marks. Maybe I should baby wipe it. I mean, I've cleaned my butt. Like if I knew a girl was gonna lick my butt. How do you know that's gonna happen? Oh, I had a girl that's all she liked to do. What? Yeah.

There's a little butt licker. Yeah, the bartender at the salon. We're starting to make that song. All she wants to do is dance. Yeah, the bartender at the seller back in the day. Oh, I wanna lick on some hot air. Can you just... Just want to lick the...

What was the act call? You're like, do you want to get out of here? So you can lick my ass. She actually, we were hanging out, smoking butts one day and she was like, let's go, I'm gonna go eat your ass real quick before I go to go back to work. I can't imagine a pre-shift ass eating.

But I never want to call bullshit on your stories. That seems, there has to be lead up to that. She actually ate my butt and tapped me on the Butch goes go wash your butt. No, uh, yeah, because her mouth was so dirty She look like she just ate a smickers bar Once you go runner through the bidet one What if she goes? What if she just says it and you go why and? And then you look back and you see the fucking chocolate must

as like a 90s milk ad. I think you know why. She looks, she's got showers. She just had a pretzel with mustard. Ha, ha, ha. She just was like, I'll take care of the white. That comes up after something else has already happened. She wet, she tattooed, we were, I'm telling you do.

No, I'm not talking about her telling you that you're go wash your ass I'm talking about you said all she did to you was that it was just our thing We would have sex once in a while too, but she got mad at me But they were sometimes when the the sexual part of that was simply her looking your head She would lick my butt you jerk off and she would know she would I wasn't she just lick my butt She would lick my butt and then blow me from behind Wait, yep, no, I'm right here. That's right here. I swear to god Jay

Why would I make that up? I don't need to so she would alternate from your but hold to your dick from behind she would pull She it's called milking. I know what it is and what's called Bobby That's what she would do. Yes, That was my thing, but I was sexy Bobby. So, that was my thing. Yeah, go milk sexy Bobby. Sounds like a Venice beach attraction. Yeah. Go milk sexy Bobby.

Have you done that to a guy, right? I've never eaten a guy's house. Bobby, at your sexiest, the picture of you on your plan when you start the first thing, like all we're gonna do today is the thing we do. And you go okay and buttonake it on all fours why a woman sucks your asshole and dick from us. Huge question are you arched? My back arched? Are you cat cow about that?

Yeah, I would say yes at one point. I bet you have a mighty arch on you. I got a nice round butt. I'm just saying you have an arch like the fucking Grand Canyon, I bet. I feel like if you're presenting a asshole for a licking, you'd want to go back like low. She was, you don't want to go up like the cat. You want to be the cow.

Cow shows asshole, cats hiding your asshole unless you got a hell of an ass on you I had a nice one back now I mean I wouldn't do it now to anybody and let's add a torture them and get some information on them But if back that it was fine. He's Bobby for prisoners of war. They bring me to Guantanamo Bay Would you be up? Where is the bomb? He's not talking Bob spread Bob. He's not talking Bob's credit. Would you be appalled now or would it be like a reinvigoration for you if your wife started your wife started sucking your ass? I would divorce her immediately. Is something mentally wrong with her. It's your thing.

No, it was my thing. Not my thing anymore. What would happen accident? No, I just nod into it. I was into it, back then I just nod into it now. I'm just, I'm doing a 52, I don't want anybody in my butt. I don't want my wife, the mother of my child in my butt. Doesn't feel any different. Yeah, it's a little different down there now.

It's a little different. She has a ring on it feels different. The butt eating is not the same. It's too sensitive. It's too sensitive now starting to fall out. You ever tickled someone for too long? Stop tickling. Yeah.

You can't tickle me for too long. I will pee in voluntary. I'm not ticking. I just can't. It's a hundred percent. And that's serious. That's seriousness of how I'm saying that I'm telling you with Christine Can I stop her because please?

I'm like I'm gonna hurt you Christine. I'm gonna hurt you hips the hips hips tickle it please tickle him. I don't like it. Please let him pee. Please let him pee Oh, it's very tickle. She really hates it. No, it's not there's aren't those aren't good spots right there There it is. No, there it is. There it is If you pee if you pee, I'll taste it Promise but right from the tap though. It's got to be one so I told you that I used to pee when I laughed too hard when I was little That's why I knew I liked a deaf jam comedy. I was sitting naked on my bed in the in style.

And I'm off to Jeff jam comedy. No, I was just sitting on a towel. I just got it like a shower or something. And I was laughing at a 100% brother, my stro was the comic's name. And when he made me laugh, I just piss a squirt of pistachio shut up out of my weiner. How is that weirder than a chick eating my ass? Well, that was an accident. I was just watching

Dept. She had make it in my bedroom. You just found out you found like the like Jed found oil on the clampets No, I've had to leave a few things that I just I acted like I was mad and I had to leave because I left myself to pay. 1888 reference you made. I was 1972 by the way. Like when the Jetsons hit the clampet. Don't you remember Paul Jetson from the feedles? It was an old reference. And then they invented fire. You've never, Bobby, you've never peed from laughing. I find it hard. Never. I have. No. Now, it's the, I mean, do it, take me forever to pee. It used to be a problem, probably until my early teens. Really? Yeah. I don't pee. I've never peed from laughter in my life. Me neither. Have you ever really laughed

them? I guess not. I've never seen anything funny enough. I wish. Yeah, well maybe it's almost what I did. It was such a concern in my life of that happening that I became a comedian so I would become desensitized to comedy. So you would have to pee your pants all the time? Yeah, I'll be like, now I just watch good jokes and I go, that's a good joke. You got to train myself. You're gonna die for. If a younger me would have left until I pissed all over my jeans,

but I'm a different man now, and I will say that's a well-constructed joke, my friend. I'm now gonna leave now. I've never, I've only peed my pants a couple times. I've shit my pants a couple times. Yeah. By accident, one, I got beat, I got no fight in the guy. Beat've shit my pants a couple times. Yeah, by accident one I got I got beat I got no fight in the guy beat the shit out of you

No, I hit him and I was had to shit So I I had like we I had to shit really bad and then he came up and confronted me I suck a punch them and when I hit him I let all the muscles I was holding my asshole with went into my punch And as soon as I hit him, I just filled my fucking underwear. Yeah, what an impressive journal story that just was, even as shitting his pants story, because I shit my pants one time when I killed a guy

from a punch. Well, I didn't even affect him, it sucked, he just turned back and said, motherfuckin' I was in fuck and then it was just wrestling but shit in my pants. You please it was just wrestling with shit my pants You please don't I've shit my pants. Please don't do anything back Do you have anything weird like you have no kind of weird like ticks like that I'm about to conquer a big fear tomorrow. I'm gonna get a manicure

I think I should take heroin before I do it Because the idea of someone touching my cuticles Big me out it is a little botherome, but it'll go quick. If you don't look, you won't really feel it. Oh, fuck you, Christine. Are you ganging up on me? Yeah, and that will happen. Are you gonna let them cut them?

Turn them a little, the cuticles. Oh, and then they grab the cuticles with these tweezers and they kind of roll. No, that's not true. Yeah, and it kind of comes out from deeper than when you'd expect. Yeah, that's what I mean. That's what I'm, that's what I'm fe- what you're describing is what I feel.

I feel all the time when someone says, cute, I don't know what happened to me. Make sure they're focusing, they're not talking to each other. You know, you know, because then they, they'll fuck up and cut too hard. I feel like you're saying, they're gonna grab my cuticles and I'm gonna

feel it down the bottom of my thumb. You know the movie Roots? It was named after it did the Goddess Nails done. Very scary. Very, very scary film. Have you ever had an herbicide? Have you ever been in a relationship and you guys are both in relationships.

Do you have a relationship language? Do you have a certain way you talk to Don? Yeah. What is it? Have you talk, like when you're talking to each other? Like is there baby voices involved? We talking to Souther Daddy. We talking to my daddy.

Southered Axon. Oh, okay. That's cute. I call her, her name is Dixie Lizard and mine's Bucky. I'm a Southered Axon. She's like Bucky. How you doing? Oh, that's cute.

Max is Bucky Shot. Bucky Shot. But you don't like Bucky Shot. I know. You know they go all like it. I go you buck shot. No, no matter But we did it the longest we did it in a rubah for seven days That's great. We talked in the southern accent to everybody Nobody probably could tell nobody nobody tub at then we would get tired and then we were in the store one day

And the lady was like I thought you were from I thought thought you were from the south because we had a dumb Boston accent. Like, where's the fucking chips? Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, crazy, but it was fun. For seven days? Yeah, we loved it. That's the beginning of like the family

from Devil's Reject story. Eventually you guys all become like wacky murderers who live in characters. I know, I just love Dixie. Dixie Liz or what's that? I get that. I like it. Do you and Christine have a little language?

Nope. Wow. I don't think so. Well, I mean, mostly it's that? I get that. I like it. Do you and Christine have a little language? Nope. Wow. I don't think so. Well, I mean, mostly it's, he yells at her. Make the bed. No, I've learned, there's newer things to do now. Now we like to think. Then crush the couch stupid.

I complain about her housekeeping through the dog, which makes it much better. Oh, yeah, the passive aggressive pet dogging talk. Oh, the house is so dirty. It yeah, the passive aggressive pet dogging talk. Oh yeah, how's just so dirty? It was just the woman around. Exactly, exactly. No, it's always like, yeah, to me it's like, I mean, I think we both think it's funny or she would say, don't do it anymore, but like, when I come home.

I like the reason I think we both think it's not like she's been doing this for a while. I didn't see that. I didn't see that. I didn't see that. I didn't see that. No, but when he was doing it, I just went after him and I was like, I want to beat you up. Yeah. She can't. She can't beat me up, though. That sucks. She should be able to. We should all. I think women should all have one, you know, like in Tekken, you have that one movie you could do ever. We should be able to get

one that you could power up when you really need it. No, no, no. I think if we were, if we were laying out on the table, I probably deserve to punch Christine more in Jesus' blood. Do you think that if you think if Christine, you did something to Christine with she was really fucking mad. Do you think that she could take you?

Is there any form of her? Yeah, she could stop like that easily and his sleep. Oh, no, no, no knife, no knife. She's saying, she's saying like, come and head on. Come and head on maybe a pan or something Like she could take you. No, this is what you do. You act like you're gonna hit another spot And then when he puts his hands down hit his head. Yeah, maybe like that, but see it's down for now I wouldn't block any string Christine would throw with more than one hand. I'd have to think so you take it You take a couple hits. No, let me tell you something we did

Like a jousting thing with pool noodles in a pool a couple weeks ago. And the level of actual frustrates she got, because she wanted to keep doing it. She would try to sneak attack me with it even, and she just couldn't touch me with it once. And I would have situations where I'd have her tangled up and just like doing like a,

like just something around her head. Stop noodling yourself, stop noodling yourself. Yeah, she really be like you stop stop stop stop No, she's completely helpless it comes the physical combat But no not like our own language, but I think people, like someone like Rebecca Trenton has for a couple of days, I have to make sure she knows I'm joking, so I'll come in from like, come home, and I'll be like, Christine did you not know that I was coming home or something?

Did I not give you much of a heads up? And then without saying anything, she knows that's my joke, for I don't have iced tea yet. Or it's actually like, it's the funny way of asking her if she can grab you some iced tea. But I'll say like that. And then when I just say those words,

like Christine did, did I not let you know I was coming home or something. And she'll start getting iced tea and then I've seen people in our house be like, the fuck you just getting iced? I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I guess I get to joke. Like she doesn't have to get me iced tea.

She's shivering right now, everyone. Christine is mysterious, you know, but get the iced tea, but's like it's a joke. Like she doesn't have to get me. I used to be. She's shivering right now, everyone. Christine, I'm just serious. You know, but get the ice tea. But do get it. He's like, it's a joke, but I get it every day. Oh, right, when I say, where's my ice tea? You know, I do ask Christine to do a lot of like, like a small things like in root to doing something,

but I will, it's also funnier to me, is if I do it, if I'll be like, Christine, could you like turn the air on or off? And then I'll be like actually know it like I'll just get when I get up and I go actually I'll just do it and I do it I'm like she really like she has a great guy Because I went yeah cuz I went and like did that I don't say that loud door. I'm saying inside. I genuinely feel that I'm like She couldn't do any better. I didn't make her do that.

I didn't make her push the button on the head. She could have had to get up and switch this light herself. I have a rule I don't say no to Don. Like if she says, I wanna do this so can you do this? Yep, whatever, I just say yeah. But the something's like, she does like the laundry and shit like that, I gotta do it. And it's not that I, you do it.

I don't give a fuck if she does it or not. I'll pay somebody to do it. I, in your house. Fuckin' doin' it. Yeah. It's not hot dude doing the laundry. When I used to do my laundry in New York, I drop it off and say, give it,

I go and pick it up the next day. No, I got, I wouldn't do it. It's that too, but we have a, we have a washing machine in our apartment down the in Christine. Yeah. Yeah. But like, but even like the throwing it in and chaining like that's never

to me, the bummer of laundry is always folding in. I don't fucking, I don't just don't do it. I don't like to do it. I never did. I wanted a fridge with crushed ice and I don't want to do dishes of laundry. I'd pay somebody to do it. I just don't like that.

What sad Boston dreams. I don't like it. Well, you never let yourself down. I want to do dishes of laundry. I'd pay somebody to do it. I just don't want to do it. What sad Boston dreams. I don't like it. Well, you never let yourself down. I want to crush dice. What's she? She actually shrunk all my t-shirts. She put them in the dryer. I like my shirts fitting the exact way.

Of course. When I bought them. When I buy the shirt, I put it on. I like the shirt. Right. That's the way I want it for the rest of the shirt's life. Of course. And she gets lazy or fuck it and throws my shit in with all the socks and underwear.

And she shrinks it and then she lies. Sitting around tasty rooms pussy all day. She lies. I go, did you shrink my shirt? She goes, no. And I'm like, did you shrink my shirt? She goes, I don't know. I don't know.

What? I'm like, did you put my fucking shirts in the dryer because they don't fit Anyma and she's like I might of I might of and I'm like okay, do me a favor Just throw them out Maybe you're gaining weight and then I walk away quietly. You know what the funniest things you've ever said to me what I put This is one of my fats. She goes did I shrink the bed in the car too That Wow that's a good one that hurt I'll tell you though fuck around but I from a man's perspective though Bobby let me say though that

Now what I heard right there is I go so she's done this before she's done it before but here's the thing She said to me do your own laundry. I go I don't it's not that I want you to do it I will pay somebody to do it I'm not doing it you just want it done if you if you're if you're she'll clean before the made comes mm-hmm you're mental I get the house dirtier before the made comes I don't understand her logic but if you're gonna do it if you're gonna do my, if you're gonna do my laundry, honey, just do it, look, if I was doing laundry, right? And you said to me, hey, make sure you do my dresses and shit like that in this way. I'd be like, okay, whatever you need.

No, it's kind of like my sister. I'm living with my sister right now. She's living with me, she moved L.A. She's younger, and she tries to make dinner because I make dinner so often. Everyone's in the wash, she'll try to be nice and do it back. And every single time she'll lay the plate in front of me and she'll explain how she could have made it better.

She's like, I was gonna crisp the edges, but I got tired. I'm like, don't even do it then. If you're not gonna make it, the best it can be, don't do it. Right, it's called for cheese, it's called for cheese, but we only had macaroni. Yes, that's exactly what it's like.

She's like, so I just put tomato sauce in it. This is not... Don will come to me, she'll go, what do you want to drink? We'll have dinner, she'll make dinner. She'll, you know, and she'll go, what do you want to drink? And I go, oh, just get me, you know, a water.

And she'll come over with a water and hold it up to me. So she does, there's something about her going the last foot, like putting it in front of me, that makes her feel like a slave. Right. So I have to take it that last foot from her hand. She wants the connection. It's not a connection. It's a, hey, I'm not you fucking made.

You, I didn't ask for a fucking drink. You said, what do you want to drink? And I said a water. And what is the last five or six inches down to the table? It's like a I hate to sound like a pick me, but I can't wait to get married to be a little good little slut. I can't wait to be treated like a slave. Just a well behavior little slut.

Yeah, I'll be like a little let me set it in for now. I don't think I don't know if I would be. And not even pick me like, I don't know. Don I think would put up a fight though. I wouldn't want to fight Don. Like you say you can take Christine. I've actually fought Don like we've wrestled but she had three older brothers like all six four and they treated her like a little boy.

So like you know when you play with your girl and you say say might say I'm the king. Say I'm like you try to like put her arms behind her back and joking around. She's like now. If you two fought, how do I'll, Bobby, if you ever need me, I'll go fuck up dawn for you. Yeah, thanks. I'll go up there and I will beat the shares on cool. I'll shake it in a fight right now. Fist fight. Who's winning? No, I'm so much bigger than Bobby. You're bigger, but I have a lot of rage. You may have a lot of rage. I have like kid rage that comes out like, if I need to open a bottle, I'll also have to go, you know You may have a lot of rage here. I have like kid rage that comes out like, if I need to open a bottle,

I'll also have to go grab it in my funnel. Yeah. I will be somebody. We're both. I'm not stupid. I will be somebody how you open jars. Yes. I'm not an asshole.

More than we both want to win. Stop hitting my mom. More than we both want to win. Get out of my room. We both want to be over fast. Yeah. That is for sure. We'll both get winded. And you thought it would be, it would be over real quick. I was trying to win. Get out of my room. We both want it to be over fast. That is for sure. We'll both get winded. We knew it would be over real quick.

Just in some way, because even if we're in the mixes of it, one of us is gonna be like, all right. Well, it's funny, because I've actually had to think about that with Lewis, like, really? We all have to.

Like, that's why I got to conceal carry on me. Like, I've been around Lewis's certain points where it's like, okay, I'm looking around the room. What will I hit him with? Because I'm not going to beat Lewis in a fight. He has bad peripherals. He just duckens like. I'm going to have to hit him.

Like, I'm going to have to do something. You know what I mean? I'm going to have to hit him with something, like a shovel or something. I don't want any trouble, buddy. And then trash can't litter him. Yeah. If you haven't noticed my barbec barbecues is always like shovels in the corner of the yard.

For Lewis. Lewis is the case he gets on, I can drill. Like you're right, Lewis. So it's what I thought, whacked. Dang. You guys you're right, let me just go over here and get my sword. I'm sorry.

Even fighting would be hilarious though. We definitely winded three minutes in. I think it's crazy. You go to a headlock. I'd mess up your hair. You'd be like, my head. My head. They would hurt my feelings most. But that you go, I don't know who would in a fight between me and Jay, but you think there's a shot Dawn could kick your ass. I'm sorry. You're too nice. Don has an evil side, dude. She won't stop. Don is just a twat from Everett Mass.

You know what I mean? She'll fucking, when she snaps, it's gone. That was always my Jimmy Martinez, Dante Nero. Who would you rather, especially when you're both younger? Which one of those guys would you want to have a problem with? That's a rough one. It is, but I say, I say Dante.

Really? Because Dante will stop. Well, Dante looks like he has bad knees. No, no, I'm having to talk about the puncher shot against either. I'm sitting there, which just goes the way society would think that goes of I get handed to me. I think Dante will stop.

Jimmy might not stop. That was always my choice. Jimmy will kill you. Jimmy might kill you. I would rather, and Dante. Jimmy, I'll kill you. Jimmy might kill you. I would rather, I, and Dante. Dude, I'll never forget Skankfest like four or five years ago, Jimmy Martinez is there and I'm gonna pack, ask Green Room. You know how it gets like in the first few years. The Green Room is so packed and I back up

and I step on someone's shoe and I turn around and it's Jimmy Martinez and he's fucking pissed. And I'm like, I didn't know what to say, but I was like, honestly, it was just bad luck that it was the only black person. I was like, I could have stepped on any other shoe, a thousand of other shoes in that room and it would have been funny.

They're white Jordans. Yeah, perfectly new white shoes. I was like, God damn it, now I have the light on him. I have to stay in that a really crowded room. Yeah. I took these shoes off an open mic. Okay. What's that shoe you wear, now?

Do you guys think I could beat either of you up? No. I don't know. I don't know. No. Dude, I saw her. I saw, listen, I, if I could let you. First of all, you put me in a triangle, take three seconds.

Wow. I saw her fight Mosved all and you grabbed his neck. I got in there. Can I choke you? No, you can't Just until you tap not that guy or until you come no big Because I had fucking John Jones did it and he went too far and he almost killed Prostate my neck and I was like injured for a month. You're comparing John Jones help snap my neck and i was like injured for a month your campaign john john uh... chokeholds the king congress

but he put me to check out the perspectives i tapped and he just kept going that's scary it was fucking frightened must rise a career criminal yeah i wouldn't go into john john's arms yeah i would try to tell me i don't know let me let me tell you tap

let's see how how we can get out of the squeeze oh you're you're saying like, I'll release on the tap. I'm gonna give up. Uh, whatever you say. Okay, let's see you give up. Or you don't have to and you can try and let me force my way in. That's yeah, no, I don't want to. I like, but I'll give you the thing how long until I tap. All right, let's see. Let's see, let's see, you can last longer. Okay. You go first until you have to tap wait wait wait let me get the timer What's when we get a camera A camera yeah, why am I getting a timer a timer? What is it? I really am throwing out old fucking bits Let me get it. Let me get a stopwatch

Someone get my son dial Can we set it up outside? Hey somebody get a piece of granite in a chisel. Let's get this down Let's get this in the books. Okay, ready? All right, right now Kim is going to tap out big J, and we're gonna see. Also, before we do this, Bobby, there's a timer on the camera also.

I just stood that. So you know, I don't know why. Oh, thank you. All right, ready? Kim is getting a rouse for some reason. I think she's into this. Two, three. All right ready Kim is getting a rouse for some reason. I think she's into this too

You don't tap be a man. Oh How long was that? Okay, yeah, I feel weird though. Oh, yeah, yeah, right Bobby. Yes, I'm okay. How long was that? How long was it? He, how long was it? He just feel like he has it up to go. Yeah, but it's long as they can go. Are you okay? Yes, we found it. Okay, how long was it?

I don't know. I had two hours. Two hours. What happened? Did I time travel? Yeah, dance back. What? Calm out.

Dance back. Dance back. Calm out. How long did I go? Probably going to tap so early now because I almost Calm out. Dan's back. Dan's back, I'm out. How long did I go? Probably was gonna tap so early now because I almost went out. There we go, ready? All right.

Hold on, we gotta wait till we find out. Oh shit. I'm gonna jump. No, we wanna know what he has to be. Let's see what he has to be. Cause I feel like that was like, what? Set, 10 seconds? That was a long time.

Seconds. I have to be though. I have to pee so bad. What? If you have accurate? Listen to me, if I pass out in IP, you can take video. Well, we have to see what time he has to be.

What's she's doing it right now? Stop yelling at her. Come on, Christine. Yeah, yell at her more. Did you get nervous coming into the studio? Where's my seat? What's up, kid? How you doing?

I'm just doing it, you do? I'm not even. Ben, no, I'm going to eat your ass. I fucking... I would never let it happen. Five seconds? seconds ten ten seconds. That's good ready one two three go That was fucking two and a half seconds my John Jones is No, no, no stop. What do you mean slow because we couldn't believe how fast I was? He's gonna go out. He's gonna go out. Oh,

dude. Sit back, breathe. That was seven. Are you good? Yeah, I'm good. Takes a second. I think I came. Jacob did watch that for sure. You're sticky. That was two of Jacob's favorite things. You squeezed honey on of us. Yeah, I think I shit a little. That was too a jiggas favorite thing. You squeezed honey out of us. Yeah, I think I shit a little. That would have been sick if you both passed out. Well, no, when the air came back to my head, I felt like I was going to pass out. You let go, almost it was weird.

We used to do that as kids. We used to pass each other out. Pass each other out and you'd wake up and your lips would be numb and you'd be shaking. Shaking and seizuring. Seizuring, yeah, it was weird. It was like, it was a fun thing to do. Kids sleepovers are weird.

You pass each other out and then you go summon demons in the mirror. You have to look at the board. You spin the bottle and finger the cheeks. Yeah, let's go lift our front up with two fingers. Yeah, that was, that was so wow that we thought that was real. No way, listen to him off the ground like five inches.

I'm not touching it, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's where men started lying about inches. He went like 10 inches in the air. Oh, what's up about Ouija board? Ouija board. Ouija board. Yeah, it wasn't fun. It was always fake 100% of time. I know, but it was fun fake. I mean, because you, you, there was always somebody who thought it was legit.

Well, I never steered it ever, but someone was always. I want to believe. I don't. You don't believe in ghosts at all? No. Nothing. To be questioned, we ask the end of SDH, are we, do you believe in,

we ask the guests if they believe in ghosts? No, I think it's, I think ghosts before aliens. No. Sure. Really? Ghost before aliens is one of the craziest things I've ever heard no I'm sorry ghosts before aliens here on earth. Yes. There's no aliens. That's nuts. That's crazy I think the only I think there's other beings

There's three in this room Guaranteed one three of us out of the rest of us in this room one of us is an alien. I bet it's you Do you feel a strength? Yeah. So she must put me down. Yeah. She's just trying to kill two humans. You're waiting a second. We're all my childhood memories. Did you suck those out? How long have Bobby last seven seconds? Seven, eight, last, and ten. I got a bad neck. The John Jones neck. I swear to be old John Jones. I got a bad neck. The John Jones neck. I swear to God, I got a weird injury in my neck. I don't know how it happened.

She just scissors with Jorge Moss with all a week ago. Cisard? Oh, I mean, whatever it was. Triangle. Cisard. Would you grab his neck, right? From behind? I tried to do the same thing, but he did let me in.

Yeah. He's not me in emotionally or physically. If she would have took me for three more seconds, she could have beat the shithead me however she wanted to. I would have robbed you. You would have woken up and you would have no fucking chain wallet. My shoes are gone.

I'm out, baby. Hey everybody, thanks for listening. That was just a portion of our actual serious XM radio show. If you want the whole thing, go to seriousxm.com slashbombfire for a special offer. That's right, and go to bigjcomedy.com and robbercallylive.com to check out our standup dates coming to a city near you. Go lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo BELL RINGS