The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - City Slickers (feat. TJ Miller & Marcus King)

Episode Date: March 7, 2024

The whole crew dresses up to pull a cowboy prank on Jacob. TJ Miller joins the fun along with Marcus King who performs an impromptu song!

I'm Bobby Kelly. And it's Big J. O'Kersen. We're actually a full radio show on Serious XM, not just a podcast. For full episodes of The Bonfire, you can listen on the Serious XM app. Go to seriesxm.com slash bonfire for a special offer. And now The Bonfire with Big J. O'Kersen and Robert Kelly.

This next segment is brought to you by Metro. What is? Nadeyadeyada. It's a is brought to you by Metro. What is not a yada yada? It's a fun way of saying something serious. No BS, which is important during tax season. Metro won't screw you over with surprises. Trick secrets are gutsches, a bullshit. Switching to Metro means saying no to compromise.

This week our sweet Jacob gave us a little yada yada by reviewing that he identifies as a cowboy okay oh this is nicole okay nicole moved from jersey to before i read this she moved from jersey to texas to be with captain d in houston and she says as someone who grew up in the town next to jacob in new jersey and now lives in a small town texas i think i'm uniquely qualified the way in here. I can confirm Jacob is 100% not a cowboy in his dreams maybe. She doesn't know me. She does. She's never known me. I know, but she knows the town right

next to your town. I didn't say anyone else from the town was a cowboy but me. I'll agree with her. No one else in the town was a cowboy but me. Outside shot Captain D's a cowboy. I mean more than Jacob. Captain D might be a cowboy. I don't know. Jacob, do you even rope? Please. You can't lasso it all can you? What knot do you use to lasso?

A slip knot. Dung-dung-dung. Dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung-dung and shit. Does he rodeo? He might rodeo. Jacob, let's get you rodeo. That's your first step. I never claimed to rodeo. You don't have to be probably in the rodeo to your cowboy. Jacob, you're so defensive. I didn't say you rodeo. Well, because your woman is attacking me the whole show. I said she's not.

She's just pointing out the fact, the hardline fact that you are not a cowboy. No, I just pulled up Twitter. A cowboy would never go, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh. That's her. That's not how cowboys act. You you should hang out with Christine on the weekends when she shines This is her doll week You know what a cowboy would say when somebody's not calling him a cowboy? Well, that's your prerogative son. Yeah, you could think whatever you want to think. You know what? That's why I love America because people can feel what they won't think what they won't and I stand for that

They never go like this. Nya nya nya nya nya It's showing Christine what she was acting like. Yeah, well a real cowboy wouldn't assass a woman like that Nicole told you weren't a cowboy and then you attacked a woman That's not very cowboy. That was a very cowboy. Nicole doesn't know me. She knows exactly where you're from Right. What is that town? Can we bring up that town? I didn't say that the town made me a cowboy. The town sounds like a cowboy. Now this checks a cowboy.

That's a cowboy. You can't do that, Jacob. I can't do that. No. Aren't you from Marlboro? Why not? A girl can do it. That's right.

Marlboro, like the cigarette, the cowboy cigarette. Yeah. I mean, that's a pretty cowboy. How do you know from Marlboro? And Marlboro, where is that? It's nothing like the cigarette pack But wait a second Marlboro, Jesse, maybe it is cowboys Jacob on the marlboro ranch. Hey, it's not

Hey, Jacob Jacob you going to Panera bread for lunch today. You mind picking up one of those Fiji apple salads dude This is what I was gonna say Panera bread also Fiji Apple salads dude Pinner I was gonna do a nice city I was thinking of a city place to go a franchise. That's a Jersey thing that would be and I was gonna do Pinner to By asbury park, I mean this is not cowboy. I loved Rhinestone Cowboy as a kid. Okay.

And then, and I watched Dukes of Hazard. I was saying- Me too. Does that make me- Right, but I'm saying- They were- I gravitated- First of all, stop.

I gravitated to the cowboy way. Dukes of Hazard, we're not cowboys. They were dirty moonshine redness. They were misunderstood outlaws. Look at dirty. They were a shine red. Yeah, they were misunderstood They were misunderstood Jacob why don't you learn her rope dude? I mean, I think my rodeo years are past. I don't think so. I think you jump off the crazy No, dude, you can jump off of a giant horse and tackle a smaller one And what do we learn today? Well, today we learned

that Jacob is in fact not a cowboy. No, he is just saying he's an accountant. He's an accountant. He's full of a lot of yada yada. Well, Jacob is a lot of yada yada. We know that Metro by T-Mobile is not a yada yada. But don't take yada yada in life. Don't take yada yada from your wireless provider. Metro by T-Mobile has no contracts, no credit checks, no surprises, and nada. Yada Yada. Stop at one of over 6,000 Metro stores nationwide. Oh, that's right everybody. It's that time, it's that place.

Pull your horse on up to the bonfire hang out top along Bobby Kelly howdy Jay howdy howdy howdy all doing tell you what is raining cats and dogs out there today sorry I was running a little bit late Christine made me some vitals we'd have our vitals before we left long day of work I'm sorry I was a little late to I had to help little Maxie with his chores before he left off here for work DJ Lou, this is a good song. You know the best country music It's probably that sombrero you brought

Hey Jay, you need it. Mexicans help make the West. That's true. That's true after we took it from him Lou you're a dirty Mexican And I'm a okay with that. Yeah, Lou. You're a dirty Mexican I'm a okay with that Welcome you're a Native American on the res So glad you got that Christine out of that house, uh, oh, yeah, I'll say it'll repute this old mechanical bullslut You gotta got on the farm working like a respectable girl all day all night It's too bad that our vagina is broke And you can't make a little cub. Oh, it is too bad

Can't even have us a little Bambina You can't but that's all right. I always dreamed of having a house full of tax And then we get our sheriff over here black Lou black Lou the sheriff sheriff and black and And Jacob yeah, we got Black Lou. Black Lou, the sheriff. The sheriff from Black. And uh, and Jacob. Yeah, we got uh, just Jacob. And then Jacob. Just old Jacob.

Fuckin' backstabbers. Fuck every one of you. What? What's wrong? Why are you here? You gotta get your temper on to control. Jacob, while the people are listening at home, can you explain what you're possibly upset about you put your costumes on and I would address like the real me today you're all dressed in your country outfit costumes yeah look at this you're not real look at this bell buckle boy look at my bell buckle

boy you don't get bodacious bell buckle unless you ride the bull look it up on eBay both a she's the bull Bell buckles giving out to a man who is a man who gets on the back of a bull for eight seconds or more Jacob who cares you're a city dude. Do I love this song? You're a city Jew. It's not a big deal You made me look well look more of a city Jew than ever before I didn't even think it was possible why because the rest of us came as who we are It's not a big deal. You made me look more of a city Jew than ever before. I didn't even think it was possible. Why, because the rest of us came as who we are. Yeah, who we are inside.

I should have worn like a black suit and put curls on. I feel like a real cowboy would have just known to do that today. Yeah, if you had exactly. We got Marcus King coming in, TJ Miller, two heroes of the high west. Why don't you say something to them that it should buy show loan.

What do they like? Oh yeah, shalom. Muzzle, muzzle, tuffy. Whatever you got. Baruch Atat denoy. A little Hainu mele kalon. Mele kalon. I'm mostly left humming. Hattu. I usually just talk to the Jews when I have to deal with you know ranch finances and what have you. Yeah a couple times a year. Send it off to one of these New York Jew times, like a Jacob Batal. I don't want Marcus to think I just came from rabbi school. He's gonna know.

What you're making me out to look like. Well, the rest of us came as who we are today. I'm Rip, that's John Dutton. You're not Rip. You got Beth. You're looking at the original right here, the authentic version. You're Jamie.

You're Jamie. You're the adopted son Jamie you're the adopted son who's a dork he's John said dad sent you to law school because you couldn't handle the cows yeah I don't want you to get dirty with the cows yeah you hurt your knuckle wants to cry you gotta be rugged like one of the five of us yeah understand Jason isn't something broken at your apartment don't you have to call a man to fix it I can't fix it right now because I'm out there I'm leading a team of cattle what is that called I'm herding cattle across a place across a pasture I gotta get him out by the

pasture because they have some of these cattle safety things that you can't what does that call Bobby they put the thing down so the cattle can't go over it It's called or what? Cattle guard the cattle guard so you can't go over the road you put up your cattle guard So we can't go over your roads. Yeah, rich asshole. You gotta be careful You gotta put that bob wire up cuz those Indians will take your cattle on their reservation once they're over there It's their cattle. You can't take it probably hangs with the engines. I bet he does Betty does Jacob. Where's your suit?

This is Wakey upset like a lady I dressed like I have fell off on that one Jake Still got it. I'm the real deal you bunch of phonies. Yeah, you don't look it I have to you don't look real deal to me. I'm the real deal you bunch of phonies. Yeah, you don't look it. I have to you don't look real deal to me I'm an incant Nido cowboy. You know, you know, I am you know We used to call you in the bunkhouse a croissant eater. Oh Shit boy probably had a qualsong. Yeah, you're one of them fancy places. You know what they could we call you a baguette

Yeah, hey baguette go get your breakfast. What a nanny you pickle kisser Hey baguette, go get your breakfast. What a nanny you pickle kisser. Christine's looking like a buttermilk biscuit over there. Christine, you don't want to see a boy talk to you like that. Define my honor. He can. I'm your dad. Rip's supposed to defend your honor.

Christine, can I just say something though? She's looking like a squaw you fucking took Yeah, yeah, she looked like a squaw you found by the river making butter and you put her in the ranch and now she's Christine was a river squaw Native American Armenian. Oh my god. That's my thing too though I'm attracted to Christine today. It does it does it for me the country look I'm attracted to Christine today. It does it for me. The country look. Christine's country look. I got my good boots. I got a harness. No. Too bad she's not into you boy.

No, no shit. I like city boys. She ain't into puddles skippers like you. Takes his laundry across the street to a couple of Mexicans. Are you out of your gut, damn mind? This boy is crazy. This boy crazy. You watch your own laundry. Something's broken out of your apartment. Do you have to call a man to fix it? No.

There's men downstairs. Yeah, there's full maintenance. I send an email. Whatever. That's what a woman would say, whatever. Whatever. Look at you behaving like some lady. I tell you the truth, I was aggravated since Monday when you...

What? Disparried me about that I'm a cowboy. How are you going to tell it to be an angry ass song? Man, you gotta look like... Specifically Bobby. What's up, buddy? You need to look... Let me tell you that.

Like, you can't say I'm not a cowboy, but the two of you are gushing over Rip. Bubba. And accepting him as a cowboy. I don't gush. I gave him a position in my household. And he earned it. And then I earned his daughter's pussy. Let me give you a hypothetical.

And then he stays fucking Christine. That's right. Let me give you a hypothetical. Sure, babe. Give me with those lawyer hands of yours. Be honest. How much cream? Don't be a jokey comedian with me. hands of yours be honest. How much you can don't be don't be a jokie comedian with me

Let me tell you something. I'm as honest as the Sun that comes up in the morning Now go on Jacob pull down your skirt and tell us a story unfold your little cream hands you put on and I I don't care what with what miss wet vagina has to say about rip. It doesn't count with what Miss Wet Vagina has to say about Rip. It doesn't count. Because he can't think straight. You don't care what Sloppy Puss is. Maybe, maybe I can get something out of you. I said, little Sloppy Puss Squall.

Little Sloppy Puss Squall, I found him by the river there. She doing good. No longer took to clean up that Squall, Sloppy Puss and make it nice. Hypothetical now, Bobby. Stop using those big words, boy. I don't know what to mean, but I know it. You know the actor Rip, he's from Boston. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. We're not supposed to talk business in front of the Mexican I'm from the Mexican How's going on? Mexican you're doing good. I wish they'd find a way to wear headphones and a hat It's hurting my neck. That's why there's no country music DJs You're done being silly silly me tell you something If I'm not silly boy, someone's gonna die. You call this man silly in front of his goddamn face Go ahead. What you got? Hang on. It's the dry cigar that does it. I got a good look You know why I got a good look because I'm a cowboy through and through You understand Marcus will see right through this Marcus won't see nothing Marcus gonna come in and tip his hat and go hey a howdy I'm gonna say

howdy back Marcus Kings would acknowledge five cowboys sitting in a room yeah and one boy and then one Jewish fella from the big city one Jewish fellow a bag full of Kratom bag full of Kratom and sends his laundry over to a Mexican lady. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm gonna say it, I'm gonna say it from the heart. I feel good. I feel good too. I got, I pulled up to the parking lot, I got out of my car, walked in the rain, all the way from the lot, and it didn't matter. I thought I was gonna feel like an ass when I walked out of the house. Felt fantastic every step of the way.

Because like I've been telling you, because I was the one who had to convince you what a good look it is, what a great lifestyle it is. The cowboy hat is the best looking, and the best looking and the most functional hat ever created. Thank you. I'm complimenting the girl. What are you trying to get me all hard in the pants for a boy? I don't play that shit.

Why don't you just take a little ribbon on his ass and call it a day? Why don't you kiss me on the mouth like a pretty girl? You want to give him a milk on his teeth? What you got, boy? I wanted Marcus. Christine, kick this little dude's ass. I wanted Marcus to see me in my steps and so bad. Why didn't you bring it?

Because you all backstabbed me. And how do you feel that is the case? How do you feel we betrayed you? you didn't tell me on purpose Oh, but who told who would you create a new a new text threat for this? What? Yes, you did Red I tell you see I still have a flip phone called minus Jacob. What's this text read called? I gotta say something I go back check it up. I know there's a a minus Bob text read I don't like it. I don't like it No, there's no minus Bob text read prove it By the way the minus the minus Jacob text read has I finally got cut out the minus the minus Jacob text read has two texts

The minus Jacob text thread has two texts. One says, it's Jacob's birthday tomorrow, let's do something. And then the other one is just plotting this whole terrible thing behind his back. We also thought there was a chance you were going to just show up dressed today. It would have ruined everything. It would have made everything better. I contemplated it was raining really bad, but I kind of dressed with black shirt and jeans because I thought Marcus would respect that like I just came from a hot pot. Oh, you're like a Jewish guy on his day off.

Yeah. You're like an accountant on his day off. Like we said, muzzle tough. Hey, muzzle tough. Muscle tough. Muscle tough. Oh, that's my friend Jacob called muzzle tough. He's afraid of horses You know when he told he said in the thread we all dress up tomorrow in country now everybody just said yep

Did you see the captain D stuff that he sent? He said look I'm not a cowboy But I have worked often times with like cattle and horses and all kind of stuff But I wouldn't say I'm a cowboy. As we said that yesterday, he sent out another one that said, well, today I had to herd cattle and do some of the couple of different cowboy jobs. And he was like, so I guess I am a cowboy. That's a cowboy, Jacob. That's a cowboy. That's a cowboy right across from me.

That's a cowboy right across from me. That's a black cowboy. That's a Mexican that got taken by cowboys and this is a Philly and that's a squall we found out about the river stinky vagina we made it clean vagina squall our family died some kind of tragic Western accident and we keep her hair braided so people know it's not a true white car squanto captain D ironically after yesterday's show I just I just had to hurt a dozen cattle and a horse they got out in their pasture So now I can officially say I'm a fucking cowboy

He did it This was my favorite all these things that he did and he was like still not a cowboy still not a cowboy He said a she was riding hunting but now cowboy cowboy and you know what it feels good all kinds of weather just to walk through it no God's got you I mean Jacob he knew his country Western day why don't you think about putting us a country Western Oh shit. Jacob is stewing in such anger. You do. Those Marcus is going to respect you all more than you. So much more. It's crazy how much more he's going to respect us.

This guy's like a firecracker with a short wing. Put it behind your head. Behind your head, Bobby. You're going to get it. Thank you. Yeah, uh-huh, underneath. Make them as small as they could be There you go, I still feel like I got spotted biffa. Yeah. Oh well that comes with rodin

That's what comes with rodin Well, James feels so right. I love it. I know we have to wait. We, I keep this around my neck for dust in case some dust starts happening in the... You said it. You said you left your house thinking you were going to feel like an asshole. I know you're going to feel like an asshole. I know you're going to feel like an asshole. I know you're going to feel like an asshole. I know you're going to feel like an asshole.

I know you're going to feel like an asshole. I know you're going to feel like an asshole. I know you're going to feel like an asshole. I know you're going to feel like an asshole. I know you're going And look like he just around my neck for dust in case some dust starts happening in the you said it You said you left your house thinking you were gonna feel like an asshole because it's not you You know you didn't feel you don't feel it. No, no, I felt it I was worried that the confused foreigners who work at my front of my building would not understand it Then I thought my Uber driver was gonna think the mean Christine were two racists

Then I thought my Uber driver was gonna think that me and Christine were two racists. There's me in the same outfit riding horse. Oh, okay. I guess she's fake. I guess she's fake, Jacob. I guess that's a fake cowboy up on that horse right there. I've ridden horses. I've worked on horse. When you were a boy, when you were a little child.

Teenager. You look like you're good with pencils now You probably know your way around a calculator or a Draydo and a lock a lock key. Yeah, you're muzzle tough Why don't you put one of your jackets on you look cold. Yeah, why don't you go to somebody's bar mitzvah? As long as you're out there So funny Why don't you get some of that homeless? Dip some of your bread in it and shut your mouth. Yeah fancy douche Why don't you get some of those little baby carrots? They all cut up for little people

I'll cut up for little people We're just having fun up here on the rain we all look so great except Jacob So you haven't been on a horse since you were a teenager I mean it's right up the road cowboy Bob you haven't come out you haven't got to live your life from teenagers 50 I'm still waiting to live your life you better speed it up cowboy is this your awkward mid-phase you're gonna come one of your own this is why I told you to move upstate off the Metro North black blue you've got nothing but crazy respect since you stepped out of your house like that, didn't you?

Dude, absolutely. Nothing but nonstop. Life's spect. Normally, as a short guy, when you walk around, people will not move out of your way. Yeah, that's fucking out of the way. With this fucking hat on, dude, people were moving. It was crazy, absolutely.

It really is, dude. I was walking through raindrops with this hat on. People were separating. girls were actually smiling Looking at me nobody. Yeah, I was like this one. I'm supposed to wear you can hear my tip my hat to so many madams I heard these cowboys walking around the city Damn, we're such cowboys. Yeah, and even you DJ Lou. Yeah, I mean you had the cowboy had it first I mean this hat is I mean you had the cowboy hat at first. I mean this hat is

I got a fit headphones over it Mexican sombrero gotta throw that out. There's Mexicans in the old West Yeah, I feel like you wear that at bars and have gotten into a lot of trouble He actually won that at a bar The tequila hat goes to... Why do you keep that? He told me let's fool Jacob and dress up as dickhead cowboys. But then I brought you, first of all, there's a dickhead cowboys. They're all awesome looking cowboys.

It comes out from a Mexican. Everybody said don't bring the sombrero. We instructed you to leave the sombrero at home. Let's not, let's not turn on Lou. Let's keep our focus on... Jay got the city Jew. The city Jew. Let's turn on him.

Listen, Lou helps us on the farm. He's a good hand. No matter what he looks like, he looks silly and embarrasses us sometimes in town. But not as much as this pencil pusher over here. I'm not going gonna let all your thousand cousins come move in with us though DJ Luke. Maybe five five of them we take five So we could have a couple days off the prettiest and the strongest and I'm gonna breed them Damn look you in just a t-shirt, looking ass. I'm wearing my alternate personality right now. The city costume I have to put on every day of my life.

Dude. Oh, you love country western day so much. I do. I would have come in like a little cowboy. He would have came with a horse head on a broomstick. Shaps. I would have worn my boots, my jeans. Oh my God.

I'm wearing work boots, you know. Need some little more rugged. I'm wearing my new boots that just bought. There you go, Jacob. Look at those. I like it. I like it. Oh, god damn you sure do like it.

Let me make my point. Let's give your a sissy. Oh you have a point? Go ahead. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Go ahead. I'm gonna tell you though boy. Watch your mouth. Pick your words wisely. Thank you John. Imagine, I want to give you a hypothetical. The guy who plays Rip. He's in your Boston crew. Nobody's ever heard of the show Yellowstone. He's never gotten a script for Rip.

Doesn't nobody knows what the fuck Rip is. He comes up to you one day and says, hey guys, I just wanna tell you something. I've always been a cowboy inside, so the next time you see me, I'm gonna be wearing a cowboy hat, I'm gonna grow a beard, and I'm gonna be dressed like a ranch manager for the rest of my life.

Hope you understand. Now what do you say to this person? Welcome to the club, my friend. Ah. Hee-haw! That's what I said. Open arms, baby! I'll tell you what you say to him.

You did it. You fucking did it. And then you shit on him behind his back to everyone. You know. Let me ask you a question. We say he's going to start doing this cowboy thing. Is he going to be Rip? We know he's about to be Rip. So it's okay. I'm saying if nobody knew this show existed, he just decided he was, he just came to you and said he's a Boston cowboy now. No, that's a phony. You're right. I wouldn't accept that. That's a phony. I don't accept it. Thank you

But you accept him now. Let me ask you don't accept me. He's a Boston cowboy. I'm a New York cowboy, but you you too Miss wet puss over there won't accept me. No, we're the same guy every man can smell my dirty pussy You don't worry about that when you were a squall Christine squall, Christine. That's different. We cleaned you up. I picked my man. Yeah, we cleaned you up. Go make a pie. Listen, first of all, you never talk to her like that again. You understand me?

Come here. Call her wet pussy. You never look at me. You got a death wish, boy? Are you eyeballing me, boy? Go ahead. Make your point. Are you eyeballing me, boy?

You know I'm right. All right. I'm going to tell you something right now. What are you going to do tonight? It's justice. You're going to go home and read? Huh? You're gonna...

I was, but now I'm not. What's your women's soccer? Oh my God, I am watching the US is playing tonight. You both hit the two things I'm doing tonight. What are you gonna get yourself a Fiji apple salad from Panera and watch women's soccer and then read a chapter or two Why don't you have yourself some health food since you steer clear simple cars? You got a good one right there Tell you something Jacob fighting have to go to bed one half hour after this show,

I wouldn't kick your ass all over this goddamn city. I would kick your ass up and down Broadway. These used to be dirt streets. Well, you know, man, if you had, if you were really cowboy inside, you would have felt something You just know none of us talked about this. You would have felt it. You would have you also each other outside We were like you too. You too. Yeah, I know today's the day we come out. Enjoy your bullshit texts or a bullshit We did enjoy it we all made a nice birthday for you the next day

We all made a lovely birthday for you after that. And then they made this beautiful day also. And then sabotage. Jacob, I don't know what the sabotage thing is. We all have this stuff. We look fantastic in it. We're all cowboys in heart. You know what, when he said, we're gonna dress like cowboys more, you know what I said? We think I ran out to party city. I went dawn go get my gear And don went don went bucky You want which gear you want you want you want the city gear or you want the country gear Is that the hat dawn was laughing at you on face time when you picked it out?

Where's that because I like that one, but is that the one your wife was laughing at you at? This boy wants a fucking fresh You want first hand? You want your first hand? You want you see this one? I'll ball it up. That's your rodeo in hand though Don't make me do you know you're rodeo and I don't make me ball this up I'll ball it up, and I'll give it to you free. Is this the gear your wife humiliated you for trying to You were in Alan's boots was just the one she was laughing at you over? I'm gonna ball this up. I'm gonna ball two of them up. I got two. Ah, that's my ears.

I'm gonna ball them up. I'm gonna ball them up. I'm gonna ball them up. I'm gonna ball them up. You know who wears the pants in his family. I'll tell you what, I'm gonna fuck, I'm gonna, I'm gonna hit you in your face. You won't be able to talk no more. He's hitting you off Bob Rip. Oh, he's not He's making me mader than a scorpion Jay. He went to make you better lash out

I'm about to lash out you bet to catch the venom son when you see a But you see a goddamn rattlesnake on the side of real you say Jay Gomez up to it You're so lucky. He's so lucky. You're so lucky that we have to go to bed one half hour after the show. The hat you're talking about has a burnt card fashioned into it. Yeah, I didn't wear that sissy hat. That's fake cowboy.

Yeah, this is real. The boy put a laugh that he held the door. First of all, this is Max's hat he got at the country fair this summer when I won a ball game for him. This leather hat was taken directly off of a fat girl on top of a mechanical bull because she was too drunk to know it fell off. And then I took it.

I heard you say. See, your brims are all correct. Jay's has turned up, looks fantastic. Yours has turned up just enough. And his is flat, which makes him look fantastic. Everyone's got the right hat on, except Lou's sombrero, which makes him look fantastic. Everyone's got the right hat on, except Lou's sombrero, which is falling the pieces. Lou did kind of blow the whole thing up, but all right.

We brought you a hat. He can't wear the hat. He's got to wear the hat. When should I broadcast on my own time, or should I do it today? I mean, there is no old time. As soon as you leave here, you go right back to working his Pearl James biggest fan.

You're right, can't do the hat in the headgs fan. This sassy Spaniard is acting like he still won the Alamo. Whoa! You think he's the one that Alamo? I can't I keep wiggling my earphones because my arm is hurting and my neck's hurting I think I'm gonna get some type of pinching nerve from it. We might have to end this bit sooner than later. Oh I, all of our clothes are cowboy. I don't know if it's out yet. If you can see it live. Has anybody seen pictures of us yet? Are they out on socials yet? Oh yeah, they're already out. You can see. You won't see me in any of them. Well, Jacob, this is for cowboy. It was a cowboy's picture.

I'm not part of the team, I guess. Why don't you call that Michael Rappaport up, see what he's doing. Even get one of those necklaces ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's just Two Triangles 69in'. That's how someone explained Judy isn't me. Two Triangles 69in'. Oh, poor Jacob. Damn, this is, by the way, this is a great song to pick. Where as Cowboys is this song? Yeah. This is the most historically inaccurate song. Like nothing he says in this song.

What? Are you saying Billy the Kid didn't come from Oyster Bay Long Island? No. Take that song, line out. It's still nothing, nothing's accurate in this song. He's not from Wheeling, North Virginia? No.

Damn. I don't think he left. Now I'm forgetting all my Billy the Kid stuff, but nothing is right in there. That's because you, that's because you were wearing those clothes for so long. You forgot where you came from. This song really does have a dildo-y thing. It's first about Billy, it's first about Billy the Kid

and then it turns we talking about him himself. He's the boy known from Oyster Bay, Long Island. He's Bill the Kid from Long Island. Yeah, yeah. Except instead of a sick shooter, he has a full grand piano. He's a classically trained pianist, which is not a fucking far throw from a cowboy. Not from Colorado, I don't think he carried a cult. I think nothing's right about this song.

I thought it was from Wheeling, West Virginia. That's the first line from Wheeling, West Virginia, as it always is. I can't remember. I'm telling you, none of it's right. How would you know? Because when I did remember my Billy the Kid facts, I remember this song standing out in my head saying, wow, this is completely inaccurate.

Was he shot down on a blaze of glory? He was shot down on a blaze of glory. OK, well, then that song's accurate. At least Bar and Joby nailed it. Joby did nail it. Joby sang a cowboy song. He's in the movie. And then John Bon Jovi warned Indian neck Yeah, Jovi did nail it. Jovi sang a cowboy song. He's in the movie. And then John Bon Jovi worn Indian neck thing.

Yeah, for a while. Remember that? Who's by Blue going yet? TJ. TJ's here? You got here. I tell you what, though, Jovi looked good in anything. Back in those days?

Oh, for sure. Turquoise, Squaw, necklace he wore? He was dressed exactly like a hot chick. Yeah, all the time. I'm not a Bon Jovi fan, but Blazor Glory. God damn it, that song gets me every time. That's just John Bon Jovi. He'd like to spend solo work.

Yeah, I love his solo work. Oh, he sang that without anybody. Yeah, but he sings that with the band now. Oh, he does. Because he has all the power. Shot down in the Blazor Glory. Take me out and know the truth there it is shred Christine and Christine's our guitar squad Christine

on guitar squad Christina guitar we got we got DJ Lou on the keyboards DJ Lou playing David Brian today ha ha we got black Lou on the keyboards. DJ Lou playing David Bryan today. Ha ha. On the keyboard. We got Black Lou on the bass. Listen, I gotta be honest with you, for as hard as this is with the headphones and everything and the glasses and Lou's wearing a thing. Yeah.

Your face and the way this has affected you has been more than worth it. I literally, I have carpal tunnel syndrome. And it's worth it. I wear a whisper. I'm completely keeping my shoulder to hold my headphone it's worth it. I wear a whisper. I'm completely keeping my shoulder to hold my headphone on. Take it off until Marcus gets here. You've hurt me enough.

No. Put it back on when Marcus gets here. You can put it back on. There's still a few more ways to hurt you. There's a few more ways to get in your soul. Christine, use your Indian smoke to get in. Man, I'm gonna go home and just give Christine a good old-fashioned ass-beatin' the night. I feel it.

She's crossed me too many times on this show. It's all coming to her head. Here comes the drums. Here comes the drums. This gets me every time. boom boom boom boom shot down in a blaze of glory ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Lord I never drew first but I drew first blood I'm a thug with some stetson Get some holy shit It's a stetson dude We know a real re- Damn Bobby, put that hat on, you have a voice all this time Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn. Bobby, put that hat on.

You have a voice all this time. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, what happened? Oh, my neck is killing me. Come on, get it done, get it done, get it done. Bobby, take the hat off for now. This hat, this hat, this hat comes, you take some. You look like you're cutting.

It comes off when you cut his head off. This hat comes off two times. When I go to look like you're hatin' you. It comes off when you cut his head off. This hat comes off two times. When I go to bed and when I make love to Christine. Oh! You're holding the headphones like you're feeling a track right now. That's right. It's uncomfortable for sure.

But that is the price for good cowboying. If you're gonna city cowboy, you gotta make do. Huh. You gotta make do, that's all. You gots to make do. TJ Miller's coming in. TJ Miller's coming in. We got a great thing.

He's got a new album. It came out, Smooth Peanut Butter, out now, available wherever you listen. He's also gonna be at the Raleigh Improv, March 8th and 9th. And after that, Royal Oak, Michigan, Tacoma, Doral, Florida, and Irvine for tickets and all their tour dates.

I'll tell you after, because the screen's not rolled up enough to give us. That dumb squall hasn't learned shit God damn it dumb as a day I found her you just check out tickets and tour dates on his website TJ Miller does not have a website.com I love TJ man so funny he really is yesterday was good Vost do that was great Mike I hope he's not uncomfortable I am worried about him being uncomfortable why because we're all cowboys today so I wonder oh yeah that was touching everything with his ear that is gonna be weird that he's gonna walk in it's gonna be all of us dress like we have to

explain a lot probably it's alright he'll figure it out he's a kooky dude he'll like he's kooky he'll probably love it. You look damn good Jay. Thank you Bobby. I mean that shirt is you Can't stop talking like this What a country day a country day Jacob you look so ridiculous Jacob I used to say this my friend, but you look like a fool right now I You Look so Me that's hilarious I feel uncomfortable around you I feel really uncomfortable around you. I should have known. I feel really uncomfortable around you today, Jacob. Judging our, judging us with your city bullshit.

We don't understand your fancy computers. Yeah, you and your dumb, you got like Papa Poo-pa-cream in your hair to keep it nice. Papa Poo-pa-cream, you got that fancy old phone. You probably talk to people and look at them. You made me feel like the computer guy and the running man. You know he's Jewish. There's a couple jobs for a Jew on a ranch. It's completely unathletic. Computer friends.

You're a little Jewish guy and bad Boys that made the radio that exploded. You're RQ. I almost thought of myself more like Isai Morales in that movie. No, not at all. Not today. No, just a Jewish fella amongst a bunch of cattle. Mine is the rape part, by the way. He did rape.

Yeah, you said that weird. Yeah. Couple of cattle herders like we are. Damn, I love it. I can't I think I might dress like this for every day I think I might just buy start buying these outfits like you're feeling it Jason Steinberg's brother I want to be a fake cowboy like Jason Steinberg's brother I get it Look get it oh wait a second look at this Christ wow he had a feeling grip I was ripping right now howdy partner

where should I go hello how we doing how we doing parking right there my friend this is just fantastic. How does it go? How to go, how to stay and how to go and be? You got a lot of ammunition on you. You expecting some tussling tonight? Yeah it might be a tussle, might be a bustle. Oh This is fantastic Yeah, I want to introduce the queue we got our sheriff of us here here black Lou All right now we got our we got our Mexican wrestler over here anytime we need extra horses He goes over the board and gets we got our dirty squad we found by the river that And then we got our leader in chief right here

Right here the owner of the ranch. I'm the ranch hand and This is our accountant Jacob from the big city. He comes in once a month and make sure we're not spammed. How do you do? Don't call somebody this guy's a hoop this guy's a hoop We don't get much of your kind around here Jewish taps We don't get much of your kind round here. Jewish taps with your crazy ideas always messing your hands together, counting money and what have you. I believe in my heart that Big J. O'Crison's accent is going in and out.

Oh, non-stop. When Dan Soder left the show, so did consistency of accent. And good character work. And strong character work fell by the wayside. Marcus is going to look at me like I'm carrying the Ten Commandments. He's going to think you're a jerk off. He's going to be so over you. He's not going to look at you like you're selling there in Sacripides.

I just want to be cool for Marcus. It ain't happening today. Hey, somebody go get this guy at book so he can feel comfortable. Yeah, I'm busy. Yeah, that is busy. I'm laughing, but I'm crying at the same time. You're pissed off beyond unbelief, but you wouldn't dare tussle with a couple of cowboys. Certainly not. And there's squaw- where's our squaw? Squaw! She's over there getting some corn

She can't see corn. She's making maze. I didn't like Robert that corn was what she chose Set not sasperilla Not clean this platoon. She's having corn on the cow Our cowboy knowledge goes about as deep as Yellowstone says in four and a half. As deep as a spittoon is full. BING! DJ, I'm not sure if you're aware. I don't do voices, but I do good foley work. Young Jacob over here.

And now I'm out of here. I'm going to... Young Jacob over here informed us this week earlier that he was in fact a cowboy in his heart. And that none of us understand that. But when it was country western day, somebody didn't show up in his cowboy clothes. That's interesting. Somebody left me off their new textbook. Off what textbook?

Now what makes you say just come people understand cowboy life now What makes you say that you're a cabbie? What about you as cabbie well if you want me to go into it I don't Yeah, I'm your you bullshit. I am unprepared Why don't you know that kind of talk will get you in the stocks? Yeah, you start you keep talking like that. You're will get you in the stocks. You keep talking like that, you're gonna get a bunch of flies in your mouth, boy. Where'd that squall go? Get that squall back here.

Squall! Squall! Now here now, now I do want to know, Big J, was that shirt bought for today or is that in your closet? In my closet. It was in your clitty. It's right above my clitty where I keep my hats my boots my Dungarees not jeans because I'm not no sissy. Well with that nose ring I sit here and I differ. The first one the back one that's the man. I'm gonna tell you something right now I said the same thing TJ, but you know how he got that yeah, he got that fighting Indians. Yeah native gave it to me

Yeah, honorary. Yeah, he had to take that either that or he had to marry that Indians fat daughter Did you leave him dead or did you leave him injured? I was in a sweat lodge for a while. So I was a little bit hot from that I didn't really like all the Indian shit, but I did like the facial accoutrements Where where did you buy that shirt? This shirt was purchased in Austin, Texas Had a place called Allen's boots Did you trade a pelt for it? Oh, yeah a pelt To beaver things and the title to some of my gold mine to beaver things, you know what that's code for yeah beaver clip

Clits you don't know that there's a there's a wallet chain that hooks up to that nose rings and goes into his back pocket When he's not in that get up. He's the most dangerous skater You know In all my cowboy regalia the wallet chain still not attached to wall. I do like that He bought you bought that shirt in the most pussy footed area in Texas He really did buy them get it in Houston had to go to a food truck now. We're tough now. We're cooking gasoline now Nope gasoline Nope Don't touch him don't touch him that's a city Jew that's a city Jew watch out

Go get him a baby wipe Y'all should be so hard on these Judyies. Hang on Marcus, we're gonna put you right over there. Here's Marcus. Come on over here next to Rip. The judies, that's what we call them in Colorado, the judies. Those judies have had it hard and although they control the entertainment industry, everybody, and most of finance in New York City that continued to complain about data pressure and understand. We lose back Luke. So we roll it down so we can give everybody's plugs here. Sorry, Marcus, you're the company. Mr. Kelly,

this is the first time I've seen you around these parts. I'm just joined this corral. I've been here. I wanted to know how goes it. Well right now I tell you what. How well have you been putting up with Tony J. O'Cresson as he's known around those parts? I've said this before and I'll say it again. You need a little sun and a little rain to make a rainbow there. That is a strange expression. Right on. That should go in the song. Put that in something. Marcus throw that in. It's go in the song. Put that in something. That's a strange expression. Marcus, Marcus throw that in.

It's free on the house. What's that? Run with that. I want a Grammy on that one. Let me give our guests his plug. Marcus King's new album Mood Swings, produced by Rick Rubin. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Come down on April 5th. That there is a beard. He's also performing at the eighth annual Love Rock Show in New York City at the Beacon Theater on Thursday, March 7th. That's tomorrow. After that, he's gonna be in Portchester, Minneapolis, August, Florida, Seattle, Portland. For tickets and all tour dates, go to MarcusKingOfficial.com. Marcus, thank you for being here. Thanks for having me.

Finally, our set is complete here. All the Cowboys are here. Marcus, you got an eye patch there in front of you. We got an eye patch there in front of you You don't have to put it on but you can be a pussy on your own time Do you see Bobby with Jacob trying to do? You see Jacob lifted his his chair way up in the air So he at least looks tall if he's not gonna be a cowboy His knees are on the table. Hey JayJ., let the boy have some hot. They are cutting it.

Let him have some hot. I am losing blood circulation below the table. All the knees. I do like Marcus that you put the patch underneath the glasses. Oh, you went above. I go above. I go round and round, and then I go down. Marcus, it looks like a functional patch.

They call me, they call me Beaver Clip. Might might be something wrong with me and yeah welcome to New York Marcus does it does it pain you to see not cowboys wear cowboy clothes like this I have had this I'm a non cowboy the worst cowboy clothes I I'm kind of a cowboy on stage but you know I've never really gotten any shit from like real cowboys though which is good you're not a horse rider have you spent much time I've been on a horse like once or twice that's great I was scared of breaking my arm or something so well if you want to know Jacob's a cowboy because he worked at a horse farm one summer when he was eight years old yeah it's in his blood he

says now it's in him 13 yeah he was 13 Yeah. He was 13. I was a man. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah, right after his bar mitzvah, he started working at a horse kick. Oh, yeah, it's true. Two months. That's true. They do. Two months, you worked on it. I did the same thing for Juvie Hall for the summer. That's what these people do. They tried to put me in Juvie Hall for a while when I was in high school. They kept trying? Yeah, they kept trying, man. What happened? Just one later, they kept trying to put me in.

I mean, I was already on the road and I was just late a lot, sleeping a lot in class. She's a weird reason for Juvie. She was gunning for her baby. Jacob, you don't know how to keep your phone off the table. God damn it, we have a guest. You gotta use that fucking god damn technology and ruin an interview with our cowboy friend here What's pointed you being a Jew if you ain't got that you brain? Are you man? I was in juvenile hall you're in Juventus. Yeah, but I was volunteering

Remember you I wanted to help these tiny sleepy fellas just like Marcus Bobby he was a sleepy boy and I went in there free coffee to all the juvies Bobby you do have the words we called him Hasidic's Bobby you do have my horse mates win it's alright let him go let My horse made his win. You're gonna, you're gonna. Christine, get the horse. Get the horse. Get the horse. It's all right, let him go. Let him get some, let him get some hay. Oh, now? Get.

Bobby, you have the origin story of a cowboy. It's just not how it worked out. No. You became a Boston guy wearing tight leather jackets. What are we gonna do? I started wearing my Miami Vice Pastels 17. I got taken down a wrong track, but here I'm back. I'm back on the farm.

Well, I had a lesbian for a boss, big bull-duck named Deborah, caught me in the cornfield, taking a nap when I was supposed to be weeding it. Bull-dizzy. Bull-dizzy, that's right. You're supposed to weed a cornfield? I was in a cornfield. That's my job, was.

Weeding? Juvie Hall, instead of going to the, being in the jail for the summer, they put you on a farm. It's up in, you know, it's by comedy on Carlson. Oh, you said, yeah, in Rochester. So you had to go out in the field. So you're out there just going up by hand, weeding a corn field.

And I fell asleep one day. I took a nap, because the corn got high enough to take a nap, and I woke up to a big lesbian boot tapping in front of my face. Damn. She grabbed me by my ear, pulled me up, and made me mow the lawn on a farm. So that's a country as hell. Now, let me get this straight.

When you all talk, you're serious. You, you talking your regular accent. That hell goes? Cause I'd like to do that myself. I'd like to drop this and spake as I am. So, Robert, it's good to see you. It's good to see you too. Whoopsies!

This is a fun one, Marcus. I'm not familiar with the work, but I can't wait. And I want to apologize. All that Judaism stuff. That was just me having a good old time. And follow in soon from Big J. Pokersonerson he's always poking the bear big J nasty old dog I'm just kidding I'll go back to my real voice Marcus where were you a country fan always growing up? Oh, yeah

Yeah, I was real big into like Brooks and Dunn and Shania Twain and our buddy Jelly Y'all introduced me to Shania when we were in LA. And you met her? Yeah, it freaked me out. Because I was afraid never the Twain shall meet. Yeah. Now it was pretty life changing meeting Shania Twain. Really?

What'd you say to her? Do you remember the moment? I told her I had a big crush on her when I was a kid. Well that's creepy. now when I was not I wanted to fuck you miss 20 tell her would you would you now oh yeah if she wanted to she still got it really still got it how old are you and you told her you had a crush on her this was like a month ago I had a crush on you was not and I'm ten now what my childhood crush is both of them

at the Philadelphia Car Show, downtown Julie Brown and Pam Landerson never thought how weird it was that I handed them both pictures of their own pussies in Playboy to sign. Staying there was like a fat little 13 year old. Are you serious? I swear to God and they were like, okay. And I was like, what?

Sign it. And I'm like, how'd you get this? I'm like, I just got it. I never thought like, can you just sign right on your pussy please? Robert, who is your sort of childhood crush? Well, I'll tell you, you gotta go back a ways. Sure. Hang on one second, let me take a little puff of this.

Yeah, it just keeps sucking on that stoop. A young Estelle Getty? I was, I had a fancy from Maud. Get it. I like Maud. A young B Arthur. I was I had a fancy from mallard. I like mallard Young be Arthur. I was gonna fuck be Arthur because she looked like my uncle who molested me Betty Davis You know, I like I'll tell you I like the chick from swamp thing remember swamp thing. I don't know. Adrian barbo

Adrian barbo. I prefer myself the swamp thing Adrian Barbot. I prefer myself the swamp thing. The swamp thing himself. Adrian Barbot, though, problem with her. Killer body. I mean, sweet hangers. Sweet hangers. But hair cut like John Oates.

I mean, she really wasn't a great look. She did. She did. She had Baba Buoy hair. What about you, sir? Who did you like? Schneidtwin. Barbara Streisand. There's a-Wain. Barbara Streisand.

There's a one owner rider. Barbara Streisand. She shoplifted your heart. Hey, tight shirt. Who'd you like? Liza Manelli. Are you a Judy Garland? One of them Ninnies? What do you like? Amphys on the Judy. Yeah, you like the theater? You go see her in cabaret. So that was it, it's not a twain, huh? It's not a twain. We know the rider.

Yeah. Who was your teacher? Me. I always liked Anna Faris. Really? Yeah, from screening. I liked Anna Faris. Big crush.

Later I would work with her. I was going to say, you can tell her? Yogi Bear 3D. I never told her. You just, I didn work with her. I was gonna say, tell her. Yogi Bear 3D. I never told her. You just, I didn't do it. Robert, that's real. It was real controlled. That's not a joke line.

I was in that film. I, listen, listen, listen, listen. I had made a hundred million domestic. I, I saw none of that. I love the movie. I was laughing in spirit. Yeah, I like that. And I love your glasses.

And I love your glasses too. Thank you. I love your glasses too. I never the movie. I was laughing in spirit. I like that and I love you glasses and I love your glasses I never told her I never told her you know, I just said it's great working with you And I always wanted to just give her a little way anyway, that's between me and the bears Did you did how about did you see that girl? I don't know if you're any scenes together the Marine Marina back around when you were in Deadpool that girl's gorgeous Brahmovich. Yeah, is that what's her name Maria? No, the one who played his girlfriend back Marina Abramovich

Installation artist Maria Abramovich installation artist correct don't laugh I'm trying to give anyone I've ever like my wife is installation ours my my only childhood crush I got to meet was diceice Clay. Dice Clay is my only childhood crush I got to meet. Really? That was fun. But I did tell him though. Dude, I thought of crush and he was like, I was just kidding.

And then you made him sign a picture of Glenn Faltrow's pussy. Hickory dickory duck, Dice had sucky cock. Dice, yeah, she's beautiful. Yes, that would have been nice. She's got a little scar on her chin too. I like that. I like a little deformity. She's great. I like a her chin too. I like that. I like a little

deformity. She's great. She's such a sweet. I like a fucked up tooth or a goofy eye. You with me, Marcus? I am, yeah. Marcus, you ever look into a woman's mouth? You ever have a woman open her mouth and you look down into it? You ever seen the inside? It's possible. You ever seen where the food goes? Marcus, you ever something about that? You ever something about that? You ever something about the inside of a woman that you see through the mouth? Through that front hole? I looked out a girl's mouth one time, you know what I saw?

What? On the roof of her mouth, a tooth. Oh, that's a real story. That's a real story. I saw a woman's mouth right after she ate a piece of pizza that was too hot Part of her part of her mouth was coming off And Marcus that's how I met my wife Dude burnt pizza roof. I bet looks pretty gross

You married you married. Yeah, man. How long you been married? Did you marry for a year? What do you think? Are you married? Are you married? Yeah, I'm married. How long have you been married? I've been married for a year. What are you thinking about? What are you thinking about? You're a keeper? Yeah, I keep her around. How old is she? Is she muses into or is she... She sings, but she's actually more so into... She makes these trucker hats that have just, like, taken over her whole life. God. When I met her, she was working for Bank of America,

and I just corrupted her and took her on the road. She's so hot. She's hot as fuck. Did she know how much money was in your bank? I mean, man, when I met her, like I had like pissed myself the night before, just like, I was coming off of like a really long bender and like ran out of coke and I was like,

I'm not doing that anymore and I met her. And I was not a lot going on and, you know, I didn't have much money then either. I thought you were gonna say, I'm like, I'm not doing coke no more, this is crazy. And then I met her and I mean, her did coke for a while. And then we did coke all night. And then she was so hot, she came up with this great idea

for hats. And the man's taking off. She did take off, yeah, so she'll be up here tomorrow. That's a cocaine idea right there. It is a cocaine idea. Let this bank of America let's make truck hats. That's a cocaine. We saw you last, it was last year at the Beacon She Things, your dad wails on guitar, it's

like the Partridge family. Right, yeah, we all kind of like the Partridge family. I'm so glad that country's going back to like the Johnny Cash fucking, you know, you like God, but you're going to fuck off for a couple months and then go back to God. Do you know what I mean? Man, it's come around like people like Tyler Childers have kind of opened that door back up. Yeah, it's a little more rock and roll, a little more grungy, which I like.

Our buddy, L. King, you know L. King? I know, it's Rob Schneider's daughter. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. Oh, she's great. She's awesome, man. And she looks fantastic now. She's got a bunch of weight.

How did she recover after that incident? That's what I was getting ready to say. Like, she's a fucking rock and roller. And she's outlawed, like a real outlaw. And like, Dolly forgave her. And like, so basically she just got really really drunk for dolly's birthday Yeah, it was pretty first tune and then she came back out and she probably shouldn't have come back out

But there's a bunch of church people and she's like shut up Fake accident not dissimilar And she was doing a fake accident not dissimilar to What do you mean Pardon Don't make me ball this up Marcus He's been threatened to ball it up all day He's waiting to let it catch fire

We had to take a break. We got big we got commercials. We're gonna pay bills to get our horses some feed Jacob a new turtle neck Jacob you look goddamn ridiculous We'll be right back You know but it's been fun This has been really fun Marcus's plugs were hanging out with Marcus King's new album mood swings produced by Rick Rubin I want to ask about that Comes out on April 5th. He's also performing on the eighth annual Love Rock show in New York City at the Beacon Theater Thursday March 7th, that is tomorrow night after that poor Chester Minneapolis August Farda Seattle Portland After that, Portschester, Minneapolis, August, Florida, Seattle, Portland, for tickets on all tour dates, MarcusKingOfficial.com.

And then TJ's new album, Smooth Peanut Butter, absolutely hilarious, out now and available wherever you listen. He's also got specials out the wazoo. Yeah, go see him over at Raleigh Improv. Go check him out at Raleigh Improv, March 8th and 9th. After that, Royal Oak, Michigan, Tacoma, Durell, Florida, Irvine, he's everywhere. Tickets and all other days go to TJMillard does not have a website.com does not have a web that's a great name for

you. Well I don't have one. I know you do. Oh Jacob aren't you awkwardly bringing a guitar before you even ask if somebody would be willing to play it. Wow dude you are such a city asshole. You really are. That's not how you play.

Coach Muscoo. He's a slicker. We should play a song. Can we play something? I don we play something he wants to play something yeah yeah sure I'd love okay guys all play something TJ can you do the first five minutes of your new hour play a song for break smooth peanut butter we gotta play before the break if he's gonna play something real quick yeah do we have time much time to play something quick situation we gotta play so okay come on come on come on I think this is really cool because comedians if people are like tell a joke you should do it's like the worst thing

We can hear so I think it's cool of you that we're like hey, can you play something like our right up place? So thank you. Yeah, I love playing a lot of talent And one really is a bonfire Mr. Kelly. At the oldest town, wild flowers and wine No, I can't help it Feeling the way that I do I know you feel it, baby Feeling the same way too But I can't help you All I need tonight

I know you mean it baby When I look, look in your eyes When I look, look in your eyes Wildflowers, cheap red wine Oh, no scratchy wreckin' Playing in the background of our lives We're still here dancin' I still hit dancing after all this time, yeah Well, Flyhouse, well, Flyhouse and wine Blackloo, you don't have the best soul on this place anymore. He just took your soul, Blackloo. That's it, Marcus King, thank you so much. Hey everybody, thanks for listening.

That was just a portion of our actual Serious XM radio show. If you want the whole thing, go to seriousxm.com slash bonfire for a special offer. That's right, and go to bigjcomedy.com and robertkellylive.com to check out our stand updates coming to a city near you.