The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Comic Survivor (feat. Brian Scolaro)

Episode Date: May 11, 2023

Comedian Brian Scolaro gets fat-shamed at gigs and Bobby is producing a Comic Survivor show!

I'm Bobby Kelly and it's Big J. Ocarson. We're actually a full radio show on Series XM. For full episodes of the Bonfire you can listen on... What is the SXM? Yeah, Series XM. You can say Series XM if you want. Thank you very much. For full episodes of the Bonfire you can listen on the SMX app. Say Series XM. Series XM! You can listen on the series XM app. Go to seriesXM.com slash bonfire for a special offer. And now, the bonfire with Big J. Olkerson and Robert Kelly. Somebody check on Dennis Sleary.

All of Boston's heroes are getting creamed yesterday Jake is not funny Bobby had a real thing happening on the subway I hate that song you hate it because it's stupidly catchy It's stupidly catchy. I just hate I hate it they haven't changed it since the 70s I think I hate it and I hate the dance The dance is a toys the trotters right if somebody was dancing if somebody was doing a dance at me I don't know what I do the dance you do is a dance well I'm doing a bit of a mummer strut. I'm not nailing it. You need a sort of a Umbrella to really nail the mummer strut a cat. What is it car nail the moment Okay, what is it?

Parasol is that what he said? Black loose black pretentious friend real nice to you buddy. Oh, yeah, that was one of my Clothes is nice guy fresh principle air Parasol son of a bitch. It's a parasol. It stinks. It's a little bit of a strut. Oh Flocky gross. Let him know he's teaching you 76 I Hate that it's it's just never it's always moving. Yeah, it's not moving forward and back. It's essentially You could do it drunk. That's the idea

Like if you go forward and you start fall inside ways and then catch yourself the other direction, you're doing it. You're basically doing it. I'm going to have to go to my purse for a second. Go on your satchel. I got to get my, my, my nose for out too long. Bobby? Yes. Are you carrying a gun now? Is that a gun I see?

Bobby, don't. Is that steroids in I see? Where? Bobby, don't. Is that steroids in a gun? Is that a good... Is that like after school special, someone leaves their bag open and you see something in there? Bobby, what's that in there? I did. It's for protection, dude. I did bring my knife I should have had.

Really? Yeah. Time to switch it up. There's... Oh man. That would have taken out. Oh, is that the Tiger Lady thing? So when they rape you, you can collect their DNA.

No, those are Tiger Knuckles. Oh. This is a man knife. It does stop a rape though. It does. It can actually, you can have one too. That's when they rape you to show you what a homo you are. I'll tell you what, Tiger Lady.

Tiger Lady is awesome. What? I want a tiger lady so bad. You want to just on your your your fist? It's a little Wolverine knuckles. Yeah, but you gotta get close. Yeah, well I'm gonna lure them into a false sense of security by letting them rape me Right, and then while they're raping me, I'm like you'll never get away with this I got your DNA now and then hope they don't beat me to death or kill me You'll never get away with this. I got your DNA now. And then hope they don't beat me to death or kill me. So the tiger knuckle gets the DNA.

It's a DNA scraper. It gathers. It gathers DNA. Yeah. So it does look so cool. Wham! Jacob, don't you want that for the subway? Tiger.

I don't need that. Why? Because you have an actual knife. But think about this. You have the knife in your dominant hand, right? And in your left hand, you happen to have Wolverine claws, no one's thinking about. Yeah, and we can change the name to Tiger, dude.

Yeah. My body is my weapon. Okay, I like the way you're talking. You're gonna take your shirt off and show them your chains and lean on the wall backwards and arch your back. One of the anti-shower pictures, but you're never gonna have to fit in. Do you know what's up what we should make stickers.

We should make a sticker out of the thing and put it all over the city. I want Tiger lady so bad. Don't you, Christine? Yeah, it is a cool little device. That was very meek. Yeah, really. So it's cute and adorable.

I guess I'll take a guy's eye out or something. I guess I'll take his DNA from his shaft. Yeah, I could probably send this guy away for the rest of the day. I think any weapon I have is going to be taken from me and used against me. Wow. Wait a second. I'm glad I didn't have that attitude yesterday

because I'd be dead now. Well, you guys are not allowed to. Well, Christie put her gun and held it backwards and fired her with her thumb and her own chest. She's dumb as a brick. Oh, that's right in your back pocket. My Wolverine claws. I don't like the little foam though.

The foam is clear. Foams the best part. That's what squeezes. So the claws come out. So it feels like you're fist. You're making like a tight fist. It's awesome. Lady, was it lady, lady, lady, Tiger lady?

Try to rape me. Should we order them? I do kind of like it now. It's actually pretty cool. Does it come in different colors though? It might I'd like a different color. No, I think blacks the way to play it. I want pink for breast cancer awareness month. Okay. Now That's but can you use that to rape? Huh? I didn't know the question. I guess it can you oh can you use it to rape? Yes. That's my Yeah, yeah yeah absolutely so

that'll be the ultimate twist in the 2020 episode Christine was the rapist the whole time that's why there was never DNA in the clause there was DNA but they didn't who it was because it was her just kept being hurt she was miss what happens why this is the guy's DNA not here I She's like, I don't know. I really an itch on my leg afterwards. I want to It's how many reviews six reviews this has been around for a long time. That only six reviews. I'd like to read them Tiger lady reviews. Here we go Correct this up. I had accident. Well, I said I could start I had accidentally ordered two different items and didn't mean to customer service help me

the instant I goofed up. It's okay, this is about customer service. Oh, there's one on here though. This one's a good one, right there. Product and company are awesome. Seriously stellar customers are roll up, Christine, I can't see where you're heading. I was excited recently to have purchased this

as gifts for my mom's sisters and myself. Tech issue with the orders, so I emailed Tiger Lady. My concerns were heard and addressed quickly, and I mean, come on. Why are they, why are they, I mean, that's a gift that you get everybody? Do you live in like a rape village? Yeah, probably.

Why do you need so many Tiger ladies? Yeah, there should be written in more of an African dialect. Now, I do not feel scared going out to get food. Yes, I can go through the gates of thorns without fear in my heart. There's a YouTube video labeled the worst self-defense weapon we have ever reviewed. I don't mind that. It's terrible. First of all, you have to squeeze.

Yes, that's the whole thing. All you have to do is hold a wrist, pinch the nerves and the hands open up and it falls. Guys, I don't think Toggerlake is's gonna stop me from doing what I need to get done I'm saying that I would like to own Tiger lady Tiger lady steaks no, don't say that this guy's about to tell you here's yeah, why is it suck? They don't stick out real far I have I have little fingers You have just to get DNA from the rapist. Yeah, we is it suck? They don't stick out real far, I'm just gonna say that. I have little fingers. You have to be. It's just to get DNA from the rapist.

Yeah, be so you gotta, you gotta get away Jay. So you have to get raped and then you just have the DNA. Excuse me, I'm just gonna wait. I'm just gonna scratch you while you're, yeah. Can I ask you a question? Can I ask you a question?

So you're getting raped or you're being attacked. You're gonna go me to get there? Yeah. Okay. You're getting raped. You like it? You me to get there. Yeah, okay You get raped. Okay, you like it. You like it. Oh, you want this? Just please get this over with Fuck you and then you scratch me. I go Face scratch and I go fucking like that. That's what I want

Fight oh like chest scratch and then I crack your nips cuz I don't make you come quick I go I fart out your come and then I go right to the I go right to the hospital and I why would you follow the Keep that oh so I'm gonna walk around the coming No, you keep it hospital. No, I farted out because I have the DNA in my tiger ladies the whole point off to keep using the ladies You don't have to keep the come anymore. Yeah, but you can put it in ice cube tray. Freeze it You're gonna wear my getting raped that I have an ice cube tray right around there. I don't have to keep the come anymore. Yeah, but you can put it in ice cube tray. Freeze it. You're gonna wear my getting raped

that I have an ice cube tray right around there. I don't know. What kind of am do you think I have to fart it right into one ice cube? Hold the claw behind your asshole. Huh? Is it? If it comes in your asshole,

you're gonna hold the claw behind your asshole for the come out. I've scratched him twice. You scratched me on the back in the days. I'm leaving now. as he has he's leaving You're scratching him. No, okay. Here's the thing though. Where is he here for that whole two-man play? We just I heard it. I had a hard time yesterday. Yannis Yannis Why was that no it wasn't attacking but I mean he stuck up for himself. Yeah, it wasn't nice to Jacob

He was trying to make small jokes and I didn't like it either, but's stuck up for himself. I heard you know, it wasn't nice to Jacob. He was trying to make small jokes and I didn't like it either, but Jacob stuck up for himself. At one point he went, hey, take it down a couple of watches. Geez. It was like, you're gonna let that Spanacopit 11 modifier

come in here. That feelado, love and piece of shit. Mm-hmm. How dare you. Should've told you honest, there's a great, great, great restaurant by my, right by my apartment

Yeah, I've never been in it. Yeah, why would you why would you go there? Couldn't care less? Why could you want to see old? Fucking what Ted Ziki sauce Ziki sauce blows. I was gonna say old Philosophers fucking young boys there it was there it is There is you know why they never do you know why food is a phenomenal? You don't like to Ziggy sauce you're talking crazy. You know they say all the great Greek philosophers were pedophiles Who fucked young men sure do you know why that so are the great comedians did you know that? Yeah, you know why that accusation

Do you know why there's they never like pinnacle where they say like sock or tees is a pedophile or they just say the philosophers were. Do you know why they never say their names? Right? Jay. Why? Tiger lady. Didn't exist back then.

And if it did. If it did, we know who the fucking rapist were, who those boy rapers were. Didn't Nefertiti invent the Tiger lady with real Tiger claws? Maybe. When you say that loud, I think so. Isn't that what you're saying?

Fattiti's definitely Greek, right? This is... I always forget there's a couple different kinds of mythologies. One Fattiti. Yeah, there's one that's like Poseidon and then another one that's called something else. Roman and Greek. Egyptian.

If you lose that in your rape, while you're getting raped by me, Jake. Okay. Jake. We have to work about that because Jacob didn't understand that one. Now watch, I'm taking it. I'm getting it. We're good right now. Bobby. It's missionary assaulting you. It's missionary. It's not picturing.

He's giving it me my leg. You have your claw in your hand. I don't know. I don't know. But I'm letting this happen a little bit. I'm letting them get in the club. You like that? You like that? I go. You like it? Yeah, I like it and then I reach up and I get I get two across the shop. What the fuck was that? I got the evidence I need right now. I'm out. I get in a yeah

He didn't like that. I bet so he finishes hang on one second hang on one second. Yeah, give me that This here. Yeah, give it to me. Yeah, I'll give it to you, right? There. There's another scratch. Okay, here's my knife. Here's my knife. Yeah. Give me that.

Just come already and get out of here. Hahaha. Hahaha. Oh my God, we're taking you so long to finish. I love it, baby. Is that what you need to hear? Hahaha. Okay.

I need you to talk in a deeper voice. All right, he just pops off in my butthole. And he gets up. Now he realizes he's done something crazy and he's ran off. I mean I say sorry first He's a bad guy. I'm sorry he was it's been a rough week. I don't know. I don't know what was going on Yeah, he can't believe he did it. He's upset, but he's lost a Well, that's a ring for you didn't mention before that he's actually feels guilty about it I do feel guilty Jacob. I didn't want to do it. It's in me. I'm trying to get help

But it's not working and I don't have enough money. Oh, hey, Jared number one, while you're feeling sympathy for this guy, I don't mean those, I'm farting come out in a dark alley, preparing to take myself sore ass hold. Bobby's gonna thank you. Thank you. And I go to the hospital to present them my tiger lady full of DNA. I don't understand. He walked away. What don't you? What did you do with? Where's the DNA coming from? You scratched them. Tiger lady. The tiger lady. Right. You scratched Bobby's leg.

Look at my face. We scratched. But I'm going to walk you through this play again. Let's try it again. I can't believe what he's missing here. Let's do it again. Ready? Hey, Bobby's fucking me. Hey, I guess my will wait a second. Look, set it again, ready? Hey! Bobby's fucking me. Hang on, guys, my will. Wait a second, look, set it up a little bit. You're going too fast, kid. It must be because Jacob is missing this somehow.

Hey, what are you doing in this alley by yourself, woman? Shh. I don't know, I'm a strong independent woman and I can do whatever I want. Oh, well, how about this? Oh, oh no. You're having me against my will. Okay, now, he's giving me the biz right

Take my tiger He's a fucking lunatic so the scrap I give him a scratch. Oh, he starts firing loads into my ass Crazy He's gonna have any problem with that Crazy Problem with that Oh Little one more. Oh my god three comes. I'm so three comes I gave listen. I'm so sorry He's been I didn't mean that I didn't mean that

I mean it at the end he does feel bad about and I go just get out of here. Okay. I'm sorry I'm leaving you know what you did can Can I give you a Starbucks card? No. No. Can I get you anything? I don't want anything. I ordered on my app and you can pick it up wherever you want. I've already got everything I need and then I went to the camera because I've got the internet.

He thinks he just got scratched. Yeah. He doesn't know that I've actually collected in these little ducts, his DNA. Now, Bobby runs off I'm going to the night Yeah, and then I stand up Fart out his come it's no longer necessary for me to squeeze my butthole and get to the hospital and fart into a dish there Because I have his DNA in the tiger lady already. Mm-hmm. He's going down. We he comes. Yeah, I got his He's going to jail. Everybody wins. I don't have to keep coming my ass. It's great. I don't know what this guy's hit all reviews. Here's what you don't know.

Here's what you don't know. I have a twin brother with the same DNA. Oh, yeah. You're gonna pin it on him. I go home and scratch his face. Oh my god. I pin it on him. Now I know when those there's this twin brother. Yeah, you. So then Bobby, once again, I'm walking through dark alleys again because I'm like, well, that guy's behind bars. And I go like this. Hey, there I go. Remember me? No. Yeah. No. Yeah. Yeah. No. No. Oh, it's happening again! He's having me again! Jacob? Oh, he's so sweet. And then you know what? Just because it makes this make this little sense.

Tiger lady! And then I'm gonna be like, he seems a little surprised by that. And then I give another one of those jabs. And then that just makes him start exploding inside of me. Oh, oh, oh! Jacob's me again. Scratch me again. Someone that goes in so far, I feel like a warmth from my stomach from how much load he's filling you with

Ratch me again, and then I give him another scratch just for good measure. Oh, well, well, okay, okay. Oh, God Listen again again. I can't tell you how sorry I am and then I apologize this time I go different route I go I believe you and I let him cry in my arms I hold them I hold them there. Thank you so much. My brother's in jail right now and I feel bad. I go I go oh my god I didn't realize situation goes look you don't need jail what you need is help and then I I share an Uber I pay for an Uber to get him home. You're so nice. Then I get out far out of his come go to the hospital and I turn in the DNA now for the second time Then they realize it twin brothers. Mm-hmm. Bing-Bing boom. They're both in jail. Guess what?

Guess what Jay? Yeah, guess what you were triplets the whole time triplets Now the rarity of triplets from Utah the three Kelly boys. Yeah, three Kelly Alright, well, this is crazy because I'm like both those brothers are in jail I know it's scary Six is the fastest way home six months later you walk me to the same outfit. Yeah, things are a little different now I'm starting to actually get my confidence back in the world Yeah, and this time I go I don't need my tiger lady my problems are gone Right I'm walking down a dark alley again, and I go hey you and I turn around and I go

You got to be shit in me is what I say at this point this time there's not even a fight. I lay down I pull the pants behind the knees areas. He's give me the business again Dark alley business, but this time Jacob. I don't have tiger lady Okay, and then he finishes inside of me. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Less apologetic this time. Bitch, you deserve that. I've put my brother away in jail.

And then he takes off once a night. And then I, because I'm such a creature of habit, I fart out the cum, I head to the hospital, and I go, oh, wait a second, I didn't have tiger lady this time, and Bobby goes free. Yep. Do you see the slippery slope of problems

that can come from this? Yeah, but then I see you in an alley again. Sixth, I swear. I do not learn. At this point, just starting to think, I'm starting to like it. I keep using the same route. But guess what?

Guess what? This time, I see him. Jacob, guess what, Jacob, this time I see him and I go, hey you. And he's like, I'm nervous, you're nervous. But you know what I do? As I approach, I get down on one knee. Oh my God.

And I open up this box. Am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it,

am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am I got it, am am I throw on the ground I choke on I go and they just give me the business again right there in the alley I love you this time because I learned from being too confident last time yeah scratch my face I get it once but my get them twice I'm like I thought you love me I do love you we go home we have a night and we start looking at Zillow for places to get together you are getting married we are getting married but we got to go he thinks're getting married. I sneak out in the middle of the night and he wakes up and notices I'm not under his arm and then he starts seeing the sirens coming because this time. Yeah, I got the son of a bitch Yeah with a tiger claws. Yeah, it took a false engagement first to get a tiger lady

Yeah, that's pretty much the credits the the cops are outside and Bobby Bobby knows, like, oh my God, I gave you my heart. I turned around. Yeah. And then I broke his heart technically. But tiger lady, that's the commercial. That's the commercial. It's about 17 minutes. And the last, the credits while it's rolling just sees three ball guys in the same cell.

And the comparison notes on my sweet asshole. It scratches down their face. And then you hear us three just getting banged by three big black man going, and we're going, and we're going, and we had Tiger ladies. So we get up the DNA. And then the after credit scene isn't really a scene. It's more like a BTS thing a little behind the scenes and it's It's it's us doing like the fake pumping in my ass and then it's me scratching a bobby goes, I dude you got me for real

And we use laugh and stuff with my legs up in the air and then it goes to the action Really really Jay farting out come into the alley like really does that like dude. No, I got it. We're good Me and bobby yesterday, we all know how to hell of a day. I had a hell of a day. And this will make her feel very good. This is a sweet thing. Bobby said it's been a rough one. Can I see the limpics?

Yeah, what? Yeah. Yeah. You think Bobby is? No, no, no. Bobby never had the old one. I never got him. Are you asking me to pull them up? No, I know you're always looking for an excuse to No, Bobby was

You know three times that story went on three times because you were understanding that I scratch him with tiger lady every time and take it to the hospital I kept adding a brother just so you got it Oh, I got it at the end I got the joke was always he was coming in my butt and then I was farting it out instead of keeping that for DNA Yeah, I one point you had me farting on to the tiger lady Are you alright? I got it. I mean it took me yeah second time I got it. I got you a bright you something Is it a tiny thing it turns into an apkin? No, do you want one?

No, I got you this right here. That's for you. And I do. Broad me my favorite power bar. So you can have that too. And I know what that is. I'll tell you what it is. You wet it.

It turns into a giant napkin. Keep that on your pocket. It looks like an alka seltzer. And then you put it, you wet it. If you haven't need a napkin to wipe something off, you put a little water on it. It becomes a big towel. No kidding.

Yeah. I love that. No kidding. Yeah. I love that. Bobby Gadget Kelly. Bobby, when we go, I say if, I'd like to say when, we go group camping for a couple of days, can we have merit badges made up that we could earn possibly for you as our camp counselor? Sure.

You can have sashes. Well, everybody get a sash in there. And then we get the patches on it. You'll get little patches. Yeah. Now there'll be do you know comedy camp the show technically at this age, if you walk Christina across the street, that's a badge. That's a badge. Do you know? Because you're old. That's we meant. Um, the older lady, the comedy camp show, we're actually, uh, we're going to film it at the end of the summer. Yeah. I didn't know if that was like out there out there. It's, yeah, it's happening. It's actually happening.

And the bomber is, I just thought of a fantastic idea that you have to use that. No, that's in there. It's already in there. We have sashes and they get patches on it like a Girl Scout. And at the end, whoever gets the most patches wins comedy camp. $10,000 to their charity and they win the comedy camp, Jackalor Bushcraft Knife. Yeah, isn't that crazy?

It's Russell Peters, Jim Norton, Billy Burr, and Beth Stelling. Isn't that crazy? I just like, you know, they don't care about that giant there. What's that? Would you want to go camping for five days with, hang on, no electricity, no shower, no

internet out in the woods, five days? Best telling is going to shit outside. I don't understand how your brain works sometimes. I don't understand how you get from here to there. I don't know how you how you get from here to there. I only pay attention every seventh word. It's a speed reading but for listening. I don't ask you again. I'm gonna ask you again. Look at me. Woods. I mean I have all that stuff. I don't know. No nothing. No toilet, no- Where is Beth Stelling going for shit? Everybody has to, you have to make your own toilet.

You have to go out, buy a tree, 150 yards away from camp, and dig a hole, and that's where you shit for the week. So she'll have her shit hole. You're like, yeah, she'll have her shit hole. I don't believe it. Why? No, I'm sure she's, no, she'll have her shit hole. I don't believe it. Why? No, I'm sure she's gonna go to a bathroom.

No, there's no bathroom. There is no bathroom. We're gonna be up in the woods, like four hours away from anything. Got you. I mean, you winks. No, no, Jay. No bathrooms.

Baba, Jay, listen to me. Sweetie. Yes. I swear to God, me and Ari and Joe already did it. I already did it with Ari. There's no bathrooms. Like there's nothing for four hours. Like you'd have to walk four hours to the car

and then drive like 40 minutes or 30 minutes to a place to take a shit. Really? Yeah. What's the Starbucks situation? There's no Starbucks problem? There's no Starbucks. There's no weed. There's no joints. There's no cigars. Weed in nature. Nah. There's no drugs. There's no alcohol. Didn't we go get Starbucks? No, because that's K. That's K.O.A. Christine, you were fucking... Not only that, we drove. That's my kind of camping.

We drove 35 minutes to Starbucks. Yeah. No, it's that... We made it a nice trip. my kind of camping. We drove 35 minutes to Starbucks. Yeah, no, it's that. We made it a nice trip. The woods. We left the woods to go to Starbucks. You're camping in the woods, trip. For you to do that, you'd have to hike down probably four hours and then get to the car

and then drive another probably 40 minutes to find a Starbucks. Maybe 30 minutes to a coffee place, but yeah, it's gonna be crazy. I wouldn't like it, but you could also shit a star Buss would you would you do it? Would you do it? Well, you know, when we go I went up with Verzy to do an overnight And he's never been in the woods. He showed up with he showed up with fucking Camouflage Nike's really and I was like dude. I told you to wear boots

He goes these are camouflage. I'm like, yeah, dude. We're not hunting somebody Where you need waterproof boots. He goes at least waterproof, right? I'm like just cuz something's camouflage doesn't make fucking waterproof You just for a look and then I go dude. I go I get I had bag. I hit his bag I packed his bag fam and I go here's your I had a zip lock with a trowel and Baby wipes and a little thin thing of toilet paper. And I was like, this is your poop bag. He's like, what? I'm like, it's your poop bag.

So what you do, you find a tree, 150 yards away from camp, dig a hole, you lean against the tree, slide down it, and then you shit in the hole, wipe, the toilet paper goes in the hole, the baby wipes, you can just, that's just a finishing thing. That has to be carried back out.

You can't leave the baby wipes. He's like, what? And then, I mean, it's like tie a rope to a tree or something. It's kind of thing to do it to what? Tie a rope to a tree. Yeah, you almost like make yourself like a little thing for your knees, more or less to lean on the thing. What? There's something to that. Tie rope to a tree. Like making a, making a toilet next to a tree. You could tie a ruptured tree and hang yourself if you don't want to shit outside Yeah, would you do it? It best that one's gonna shit in the bag outside Listen to me. Mm-hmm would you do it would you be on the show?

I'll do it after you show me best-selling shit by a tree. I'm serious if would you if I was like do we need somebody to do it Would you do it with me? You would go on five days, nothing. You added days to this thing. It's five days. It was three at first. No, it's five. Five.

You said five. I said five. No shower. There's no, you could jump in the, we have to find water. You have to find a water supply. We don't have nowhere. There's a water source.

We have to find it. Yeah, we will. No where there's a water source. We have to find it. We will. No, we will. We have two people going up with us, two bushcraft people, professionals. That I'm going to, it's a, everybody, you film your own thing though. It's like a loan. So you'll be, have a camera on you at all times, 24-hour's-day film. So there's trail cams around, there's a A cam filming the pilot and then there's a B cam getting behind the scenes,

but everybody has to film their own stuff. So like when you have to go do a task, like if you have to go get water, we know there's water up there. They already went up and scouted it, but you have to go find it. And then you have to go get it and then you have to filter it and bring it back. Yeah, that's easy though. And then you have to start a fire. Well, how do you know where the, if you have no broached craft skills, how do you know where the water might be?

Well, you're going to shake it. You feel the ground. He's crazy. Wow. For guy who hates the city. I mean, yeah, you have to like build a, you have to build a shelter. You have to sleep. You have to build your own shelter and sleep outside in your own shelter that you build. Yeah. One, one or two nights. There it is. Yeah, this isn't with a string in a log.

It's just setting up two logs. Yeah, and then you set it. Surviving in the woods videos all weekend long. Yeah, I do it all the time. Yeah, yeah, that's a toilet. You can do that, but that's pretty elaborate, dude. I don't know if you'd want to do that. Oh, make it.

Really? That'd be hilarious. If you're on the show and you made an awesome toilet Toilet you made a Fred Philan stone toilet. I might if I find the water source. I might turn into a bidet Siphon from the pond somehow he made a like a fucking record player He's got music playing from radio waves Now this should be no problem. I'll go back. I always have a music playing from radio waves. Now this should be no problem. I'll go back. I always have a lighter with me so I can

start a fire no problem. Well, you can't know. You can't use a lighter. Well, okay, then I'll pour gasoline on it and say, and I'll flick my cigarette and go I'll see you fucks and hell. There's no gasoline. You have to actually... Wait, cigarettes, though. You say really genuinely no cigarettes. And there's no cigarettes. They can't go days that's it at the commitment to go rm doing Bobby show and i'm walking away from cigarettes forever

no survivalist will tell you to every survivalist will tell you to go into the woods with a light no we'll have a lighter we'll have those things but he's gonna have to learn to light a fire with uh... with flint and stale uh... foul rod and and and it's flinted all snuck to rocks and uh... and uh... you can you need a certain rock and then uh... uh... uh... you know you need flint rock flinted and use the back of your knife thank you knife also has a well you have to make a feather stick with your knife because everybody gets a knife and then you'd have to use uh... a flint

uh... we don't have to explain all the details i guess so many people don't know these obvious things are saying so glad bobby i guess continue to elaborate but i know how to start a fire I don't know if we have to explain all the details. I guess so many people at home don't know these obvious things you're saying. So good. Bobby, I guess, continued to elaborate, but I know how to start a fire. I think you could smoke a cigarette, but would you want to smoke hiking? Yes. And uh, of course I would. Yeah, you'd have to do this.

You'd have to make a problem. You can't. What is that called? Uh, bow. It's, uh, and then you twist the bow around the stick and then you saw it back and forth to make fire up and down. Also you go up and down with it. Is it friction fire? Yeah. Well, that's what you call the kind of fire that thing you're doing is called a bow. Gotcha. What would you? What would you? So five days in the woods, no shower,

no, you have to shit outside. How many suitcase could I bring? You can't bring any, you bring it a backpack. One backpack? One backpack, but you only can bring certain things. Can I bring two car batteries to help like, uh, portable DVD players or something? You can't bring a car battery, dude, there's no battery. How about my laptop?

There's no laptop, there's no, there's no computers, no iPhone, no social battery. How about my laptop? There's no laptop. There's no computers, no iPhone, no social media. That's the whole point. Is it good? All right, so I guess that kills my next question. If can I hotspot my phone? No. I guess not. How am I going to know how many steps I got to be?

You can't. You'll just count them. You can count them. The way they used to. You can just count them going up. Here's the thing. Can I bring you a keyboard? No. You can bring a book to read, okay?

A book. He said, can I bring a keyboard? Here's the thing You know you're a book to read a book He said If we allowed you 10 things in keyboard was one of And you're up to just sing a song Is when I play a keyboard you had a solar thing Just to plug it in guys I learned keyboard over this trip. It's pretty good Look how you have to make your own chair you have to make is. You'd have to make your own chair. You have to make your own table. You have to make your own structure.

Toilet. Your own toilet. My own structure, like the sleeping. Yep. I know how to do all of this off of YouTube. Yep. Now, how do you make your own structure, Jacob? You got to watch Felix Imler.

He's from Sweden. He teaches you how to do everything with a Swiss army knife. I think I could probably get a trail or delivered to where Guys the best there's no snacks We don't get to eat you can eat for five days What is this no you eat, but you're eating dried like jerky mountain food the mountain view food It's a freeze dried food. You'd have You'd have to find water to eat it. Oh yeah, no problem.

And you have to get a strogan off or something? Yeah, something like that. Tumes day food. But you wouldn't be, you'd be like one of those a day. Sure. Well, I don't know if you know. I'm probably gonna bring a hersial back, pack, so I'm gonna eat some space

because now I have barbecue sauce and packaged tuna fish. And baby mayonnaise is thank you Sharon Glaterer. You can't bring barbecue sauce. Why? You can't bring your own food. It's shelf stable, dude. I didn't. You can't.

You got to, you got to, you got to, You're saying the odds are zero that anyone's ever stuck out in the woods that they happen to have barbecue sauce on. Some people travel everywhere over the hot sauce, they ask why do you Williams? She bought hot sauce to rehab. Jay, you go, you love so much dude. You go up, you have certain things you can take. Certain we pack you a certain bag.

And you can't, you can't, you can't have no electronics, you can have any. Did you have Norton, does a blow up doll, and the dildo, do you have two things, or is that one thing in his life? There are no dildos is no

porn omega was a great trans joke i thought it was awesome i thought a fucked up with a strap on dildo is it two items jake up or is that one item in his work as he's into trans what a good that shelter that's a good shelter That's probably the kind of one I'll do Serenian, you know, I'll make that a little hobbit hobble

You make them well with the door and a sunroof fire place. I just make a bacon. You can't bring bacon. You can bring zucchini You think this guy found zucchini in the woods? I'll kill that thing. Yeah Well, you have to kill a bore. No, you don't Yeah, well, you had to kill a bore. No, you don't get sick like your grandpa. No, you're not going to kill anything But you're going to have to set traps for small game like squirrel Could I do the thing where I shoot a shotgun with one hand and then I pump it just with one hand again and spinning around There's no guns dude like a wider up. That was the woods. Yeah, no, that was the woods But that was actually the Wild West. That was not the woods. No, that was the woods, but that was actually the wild west that was not the woods

I was mostly desert here. Here's the thing a lot of those desert, but there was woods you get you get a you get a a Saw digger zone grave it looks like You get a saw a a gone boy saw Japanese bushcraft saw you get a knife And higher odds that before I had a saw on me in the woods I'd have barbecue sauce. Yeah. And then you have to do certain tasks and you film it. Everything's being filmed 24 hours a day. I like even my shit.

You would film yourself. We'd want you to film yourself making it and then we're not gonna show you shitting Of course, oh well, but I'm not watching the first season. I thought it's all thing was gonna be best telling just taking shit You'll be dying to see that girl shit for years now What's up talk to me you're right Jacob. What are you catching the squirrels for? So what's that talk to me? You're right Jacob. What are you catching the squirrels for? Um, freeze-dried food. You have a still extra food. We're gonna it depends on what we're at. I think we might be doing it in uh, you take off their fur. You can wear them.

No, you can you can eat a squirrel. Oh no, I know. Yeah, so we might we might don't though. We don't we if if somebody wants to we not going to force somebody to kill an animal, but if you want to, uh, you'll have to make the trap and know how to make it. But if you want to eat a squirrel, you can actually, well, we'll be able to, you know, if you want to kill, but, you know, you don't have to kill it, but while they kill, you have to look at me eyes. Yeah. Cause it trusted you. You have to eat it heart and wipe its blood

under your eye with two fingers. Did you even see red dawn? Why would you kill a squirrel? I mean, if I had to, yeah. No, but if you were to see the deer meat for dinner guy, he kills it and then he shows you how to filet it and get, he does the whole thing. When people eat catch cook.

People eat squirrel all the time. They shouldn't. Why? Because it's like a rat. It's not a rat. It is. It's a furry rat. It's not a furry rat. It is in the rat family.

Yeah, but it's not a rat. It's out there. It's a rat. It's in the rat family. Yeah, but it's not. I don't want to eat anything in the people family. No. Yeah, but we'll have food.

Don't worry about food. You'll have food, but you're not gonna have a lot of food. You're not gonna have like, as much food as you want. You'll have like, you know, a little for the breakfast, a little for the lunch, and then dinner. What are you doing for, what? My first day, social activities. You're gonna be hiking, you're gonna be,

you'll be a lot of stuff. You're gonna, like the first day there, you're gonna hike up, the hike up is gonna be crazy, setting up camps, gonna be nuts. How long do we have to set up camp? Cause I, with this guy showing me, I'm pretty much gonna build a one bedroom apartment. No, you're not.

You can't, you can't. You're not gonna build. I think I'm gonna have to build a shelter over my toilet. I'm just gonna cover myself with a blanket like that old fat comic. Can you just do that and wait to get called on stage? I thought what was. Ollie, Ollie, Joe Porter, is that his name? Yeah, you're just do that and wait to get called on stage. I'll eat Ollie Joe Porter, is that his name? Yeah, you're going to do that because that's a nice, that's an awesome, yeah.

You're going to learn how to make a cordage out of a tree bark. Yeah, see what's up. Yes, black lukego. Yeah, quick question. Can I bring the tent that sleeps 12 like that mansion tent? Is that okay? No, is that permitted or not? That is not permitted. What about those plastic hot tub you can blow off? No, there's no mansion 10. Is that permitted or not? That is not permitted.

What about those plastic hot tub you can blow off? No, that is not permitted. No, that is not permitted. But you can find a body of water, throw heat up rocks in a fire, throw it in there, and make a little hot tub if you want. Lou, I think the contract before you goes, well, my best guess is,

Norton Bob, you're gonna feed you until you can't eat anymore and then hunt you in the woods. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's what I've come to know about the woods but I'm a city kid. Dude, I mean you would be, do you understand how? Oh, I can make that. What's that? No, you can't make that. Will the glamping dome break down into my backpack?

No, you cannot, you cannot, you cannot bring a glamping dome. You are a glamping dome. We are looking at the Harry Potter tent. When you walk inside and it's actually four stories tall. Yeah, yeah. We're them, these bills. Dude, here's a deal. The first day.

Can we just drag your tiny house there? It's going to be, dude, here's the hike we're taking is not like a regular trail. Like where everybody, you're going to take that trail and then we're going off, we're off on it's primitive camping so we're going off into a you know a different area where we're gonna bushcraft into a space that we're gonna make a camp you know it's not tie it to my waist can I drag like a wagon behind me for things I want what like you can have a dog you're like a the cook of the camp.

Maybe. I don't know what I would bring. You can't bring like canned foods at all. You can't bring any food. There's no snacks. If we get, before you go. Just very specific knives. Before you go, we have to go through everybody's bags.

No bags of beans. Just this very specific saw. Yeah, you're gonna get everything you need to survive his bag. No bags of beans, just this very specific saw. Yeah, you're going to get everything you need to survive five days, but we will have, of course, but it's a small crew. There's only camera, camera, the director, my buddy spooky from Boston. Who's a, okay, easy. His name's spooky, but the spooky like boo not whoa Whoa not making it better

My friend my friend my friend Brendan Daley from Boston's gonna be directing it. He's a director for a 24 This doesn't write a lot of yeah, he's great. He's unbelievable director. He's he just directed a film two films for a 24 I love it. What was the one about he did one about porn porn porn demo point. Oh, it was a documentary. He did a documentary. Yeah, yeah, I saw that. And then we got a camera lady. I wasn't that the one about Mark Wallace.

The guy from the 90s is that the one where it was like a AIDS running through the brand in daily. daily, yeah, a pandemic, yeah. Yeah, I think that was about that. That's pretty wild. Yeah, and so he's doing it. So it's us, the two bushcraft people that are gonna help us, right? Guide us and make sure that we don't die.

And then the four comics. That does sound like a lot of fun. I mean, dude, but how funny? It's a lone meets comedians and cars. So imagine Norton after the first night, how am I going to be complaining? Imagine a list so far, Bob. Bill, Bill Burr, Norton, Beth, and Russell Peters. That's great. Yeah. We're all going to shoot outside together. Yeah, but you would you do it? Yeah. You would do this. I don't know. I mean, yeah, I mean, I'm talking to a guy who wants to pair a lady clause. I'm a pack tiger ladies for a guy. I like to get raped by a bear. You'll know which bear.

First thing that bear going to do is, he was just unraving me. Yeah, farted. Let's come. Because I don't need that now. I got to talk to lady. If it was a bear and you scratched it, it probably start licking you It probably be into it. No, I know right? That's me would fit. It's probably taking forever to finish That's that's bear for play. Yeah, God how big of a level look Christine. How much how big is a bear's load? It's big. I know could I support it in my butt or is it just like regular people load? It's a big load, dude Christine do a search for me. I, there's Chad G.P.T. What's bear load like? Primitive camping though. There's no toilet. There's coyotes, bear snakes. What did you think? No, we didn't. But we do something to avoid these things.

You just say like you get like live amongst them. Like, look, a bear is going to come by your sleeping. Just stay down. A bear will come if you don't hang a bear bag which I'll teach you how to do. We'll be back. My brother. That's gonna be such a good sign off Jacob. That was gonna be so good. I guess we have to have a bear. I'm gonna teach you. You will have a bear unless I teach you how to hang a bear bag which I will teach you how to do. We'll be right back with the bonfire. This is Yadis Bappus and you're listening to the bonfire with Big J. Ocasin App and Robert

Kellon on Faction Talk 103. Hey! Brian's Galarro! Brian Scolaro! Brian Scolaro is joining the show. Everybody, one of my favorites. Brian, what's up, buddy? Hi, buddy. How are you doing, man?

Good. Thank you, buddy. How are you? I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I Bro I couldn't say enough at nausea while the time but I know could you always stay working with Steve Dildarian Is his name I love Steve that you guys did another show now the 10-year-old Tom is yeah, thank you hilarious man Your voice is so good on that stuff.

Thank you. You're such a good job. He lets me, Adley. He lets everybody add that, but he does a 10-year-old Tom and a life and times a Tim. I'm so out of breath, I was really. I walked in the elevator. There's all the others.

I know, yeah. And Jay, Jay, he took the elevator. I had to shoot water all the whole time. He was so, so. It was an extra. But what he does is he gives you one page and then he wants you to add lip. So it sounds like more real.

And I think he likes my New York accent. I just add lip to shit out of things. It's so funny. Ten year old time, the new season's coming out. I think it's some time breaks. It's really funny. That's such a, I've done only a little of that type of work. It's the best.

You go into a booth. you got a little water, you can just, if you make a mistake, you can fix it right away. They direct you to where you're wrong. You know what I mean? You don't feel like an ass. It just heals. Pajamas, flip-flops.

Do they? And you can do it anywhere. They have it, like if you're on the road, they're like, oh, we set up a studio, we'll just go down. When Ace do the voiceover for the show, Louis, like, coming up next on Louis, Louis all knew, like, I used to, I was in travel in the country and I had to drive everything and go somewhere.

And one time I had to go to his old man's house and he had, his lawn was just dead frogs. I was like, what the fuck up? I called him. It was just me walking through dead frogs and a little booth he made out of foam in his basement. I was like, this is where I could kill it. Yeah, really yeah But so I had a lot of a lot of places don't hire me because my New York accent, but I think he likes us to do they Do they animate around your words? Yeah, oh that's awesome Because the only the few things I've ever done

I had to like line up with a thing that was already animated well this guy He's really he really miss. He writes it, he performs it, he draws it, and he edits it all by himself. So there was one line where I was like, the bathroom situation is in doors or anything goes. And I was like, well, you may want to check your driveway. I just made that up and they had to see which is clearly the driveway.

Wait, shut out of the driveway. Do you get paid for writing too? From what? No. He does a great character on the 10-year-old Tom. I just watched it again the other day. Uncle Bill. Yeah, it's Boston Red Sox, the oldest bat boy.

In New Season, I just met you as Tom. Yeah, it's so funny. I'm moving to his attic in a new season. Oh, that character? And I ask him to shave my ass. I'm like, you just told me I can't reach back there. It's really stupid. That's such a great voice man That is so great woman like my voice, and that's it men like your voice, too It's a I've literally had a woman turn off the lights and just had me just talk to her really yeah, then she flick bean

Yeah, you know, wow, you know interesting. Yeah, was it a prostitute? That'd be a funny request. You know what? Just turn off the lights and I'm just gonna masturbate myself. That'll be my turn. I just make fun of me. Just like, you're a fact that I can't instantly. I had that yesterday on the train. Bobby almost got murdered on a train. I did yesterday. He won't stop blabbering on about it. Bobby almost got stabbed yesterday, and it's like the only thing going on now. LAUGHTER

None of us... None of us other have things going on either. Jay walked up to me and he went, you okay? And I was like, yeah, he goes, okay, cool. I went, good to see you. Good to see you. That was it. That was it. What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, I remember this I met this one guy he was like I hate New York. I moved to it

just the quality of life is horrible. I got beat with a 2x4 but it was a guy with a 2x4 I was like did you say something to him? He goes yeah well that's why you just don't say anything Yep, it's your fault. It does help you. I mean on a random attack if you don't say anything It does tend to help. No it was a hundred percent my fault when I said hey shut the fuck up That was that was the part that was my fault. I want to allow you to take a hundred percent thing for that Why having a guy be a jerk off Masculinity is always gonna turn on for a second. Yeah, you what you want is the Ration out a kick-in fast enough to go like what's what's to be gained here? Yeah, I told you the thing

That's what I was telling us they were the guy I had my window down when I was like waiting for him to cross the street Yeah, and instead he was like go you fucking dumb cock suck and just I heard him I was like I was out of the car. I was in like 30 seconds later. You're like Who gives a fuck he wasn't even looking at our direction. He's just like He's drunk. He was just drunk idiot. I'm wasting. It's a waste of time There was a woman who I asked if I can cut in she goes no you fat fuck I was like you call me a fat fuck if you want to guess you made like a big stomach thing. She panted my

I got out of my car pretend I take pictures over cuz he had an Uber and a lift thing she panicked and Then she drove up a side street So I just coincidentally went up another street and here she comes right at me But it's one of these streets where you can't get by me. So I get out of the car and black I was like hey, I started taking photos again. I cheated panic them just wasn't reversed. I feel like I won that That's a good one. That's a good one. But by the way, I did not win yesterday Not not kudos to her, but I gotta say that's hilarious. Oh, you're fed fucking you go Why is she is he didn't hear me? You're deaf this

I wonder if that's a saddle fat crime hurts the worst. It's like why would you do this? What is that? Is that sign language for fat? Just make that up She puffed her cheeks out. I've been called fat far when I was you know last year was three three thirty five My biggest maybe three forty and I've been called fat fuck. That's the worst Yeah, I did a movie and a guy couldn't add lip. I was at living with him and I was he couldn't keep up She was like oh, but no you're fat fuck Yeah, so I couldn't stop I couldn't stop the scene.

And I worked, my character worked for his character. So I can't like yell at him. Right, so you just started my feelings. And the crew laughed, and then I was like, and they said, cut, I was like, fuck you, pal. He said, oh, I thought it was okay. Well, why would you think it was okay? To just limit me.

Or just at least ask first, like where should I not go? The guy just panicked. He was lazy, I couldn't add lib, I could have made fun of him too. I had a, you know, Pete Holmes had a show and he had me on it as me. And my scene was to make fun of him. And he was like, no, go at it. Just do, I was like, I don't wanna do this, dude.

Like, I, he's sure, he's like, no, I can take it. I can take it. And I just, I was like, all right. So I kind of went at him a little bit. He's like, stop. Next time really, man, I need to just do it. Do you do what you guys do at the table? I was like, I do it. And then we act. I was like, Hey, dude, what's up with that fucking mole on your head? Why don't you get that? I go on, I go, dude, I can see a shadow on it. It grosses me. I go, I want you to get that fucking take it off. Even if it 90% sure you might die in the operation.

You should still check. And I could see it hurt his feelings. And I was like, I didn't want to do this. You just made me think. I should've said not the mole. Yeah, like the crew was mad at me. Like everyone was like, wow. I was like, he told me to fucking.

Yeah. That was good. He wrote me to play myself and my character was all like, Pete, I'm helping you out. I like you kid. They didn't make me do mean stuff to him. Yeah, he set me up. I think what happens to me, I have a zoo a lot.

Like in a Louie when you're the big fat guy who goes out of the bathroom. Like we want so many big fat and stinky in there first. You have talented partners that leave you? Well, you know, I don't know. They get stuck with a mediocre guy. When people like, I want you to do a, I have a road of power field. Like, is it about me being fat?

Well, yeah, no, thank you. Here's another thing that they do with fat people. When I was, I got shows every fat thing I got, they want you to take your shirt off. Yeah, well, when I did Marin, I literally went up to him. I was like, I have to do the scene, do all the stuff, and there's nothing to do with me being fat.

I'm a cable guy. And then at the end he goes, you take your shirt off and walk away. And I'm like, why? Cause you're big. I'm like, yeah, but what the fuck is that? Can I at least put a wife beater on? My Louis trajectory, go, sorry.

And they were like, no, we need you. And like they went and had a fat meeting. Like the writers and the producers went and I saw them, they were all skinny guys. And they're like, well, we need you. And like they went and had a fat meeting. A fat meeting. The writers and the producers went and I saw them. They were all skinny guys. And like, well, we really need you to do the shirt thing at the end, because it's gonna be funny. I was like, they're like, don't worry, you don't look fat. I'm like, I feel fat.

I feel it right now. We all know what to do. I look great. Yeah, I was sad. My Louis trajectory, well, for one on Z-Rock, I remember there was a day that there was a good issue, because it they wanted me to come out like in a diaper. What? What? What was this? Z Rock. It was TV show was on IFC for two years. It was fun. It was fun show. And it was just like it if it makes it didn't it did not make sense in the scene, but it's also just like it's a

left. And I'm like, now I'll do it with like my words or saying something that's me being in a diaper. It's like, the joke is, I'm like, the joke's I'm fat. And they go, well, the joke's you're in a diaper, I go, but fat got a diaper. If I was Jack, this isn't a joke. You know what I mean? It's just like, I look like the naked cowboy or something. There's a lot of mean.

Oh, sorry, I got it. But the, the, the Louis trajectory was, I was driving to, it was the only other time that I had lined that Pittsburgh improv, driving out there on like, you know, an 8 hour drive from a corner. It's one road, two lane, the Pittsburgh highway assumption. Pets of engine, turn a bus, sucks. So I'm going on that and I get a phone call and they go, hey, this is so and so from the Pigg Newton, so we want you to play. He goes, would you be one of the blueies doing the pilot?

It was the first episode of Louis. And he wrote a part for you we want you to do. And I go, wrote a part for me. And he was like, hey, where are you going? I didn't know he and they were like, new each other that. Well, at all. I almost like, oh, he knows who I am. It's kind of a cool thing.

He wrote a form and she goes, yeah, he said he wants you to do it. So if you're willing to do it like no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, sweaty, disgusting pig of a man. And then I was just like, okay, and I didn't say anything about it. And then, but Louie, but Louie, when he came in, there was a Ben's speech at the scene. I mean, he couldn't have walked up to me the second he saw me and was like, dude, I heard they said I wrote, I didn't write this for you.

He's like, we auditioned a lot of people. I was like, at this point, we just need somebody who can get the line. Right. So whether that was even like a back pet or not, I liked it. I was like, thank you. He's been running nose. But as we said, he goes,

no, I just need somebody nailing it. We had like a bunch of people audition and it didn't work out. I walked into an audition once and this big girl comes in. I felt so bad and she goes, fuck in Christ. I'm like, what's wrong?

She goes, the fuck? They couldn't give her a name. And I just looked and it said fat woman. It's like you like you could write Karen. It's heavy set Karen. Did you get that Bobby chubby Kathy? Yeah, when you were like your heaviest because I feel that all the time I feel a J when I see shows

like that where someone's got to play like the fat girl getting picked on, especially if it's like, you see movies when there's like an unattractive like heavy lady Who's like naked in a scene or something and doing a thing where she's being made fun of her sad? I'm really like God bless that actress man because I can't I just can't do it I wouldn't the problem is what I think the problem is it says they get the breakdowns your manager agent gets a breakdown And if the part says heavy set is because somewhere in the script there's a joke about you being set. Meanwhile they don't consider us for like a judge or a cop because it doesn't say

heavy set. They won't see us for other things which makes no fucking sense at all. I did get a cop once and I we talked about it with Janus on the set. Did it say fat cop? No it wasn't a fat cop. It was just a cop and I I heard the I heard the prop guy when he had to put my belt on He popped his back

He popped his back so for the rest of the season I had to have two gay guys two younger guys put my belt That's ridiculous. Yeah, Louis. Louis show is the greatest because you did just get the gig. Yeah. But, and it was great, but it was so low budget. He didn't care about trailers and all the other hurrah. He put it all into production, but that, I remember I showed up one time and he goes, I get in the scene, I mean, Kabuki makeup,

which is, it's Japanese Kabuki. So they paint my whole face like, they black my eyebrows, they black my eyes, everything. And then they broke for lunch. But there's no lunch. It's a walk away. And there's no trailer. So I'm on the streets in New York. I'm in the streets in New York walking around Kabuki makeup, right? And then I'm walking. I swear to God all of a sudden, Dirty what the dog? Tom Hanks and Ed Burns walk out of the restaurant.

I see what's happened to be there. They walk out and they walk. They kind of we in stride walk together. And Tom goes, whoa, what's going on with you? And I was like, Hey, Tom, give me your phone wallet. You'll never be able to describe you the police. I'm doing a movie, I'm doing a Louis show. He goes, oh, tell Louis, I said hi.

I actually have the photo of me walking down the street with Tom X and had burns. And then I had to go get lunch. So I went to an English restaurant. It was the only one there. It was English. And I. Did you have like the little red?

Yeah. So I had to, I had to eat breakfast by myself. I got an English breakfast. I got you know the eggs Bangers and mash the beans So sitting by myself just eating English breakfast with kabuki make-up In a packed restaurant at lunch I was a goblin and was a wavly place and they gave me fake teeth and then they served rice so I couldn't eat it I had to drop the rice in my mouth it was really uncomfortable and nobody would talk to me

I remember Greg Jorado was in the parking lot and he's trying to get coke or something he's talking to his wife and then he's I see him and they go hey he was hanging on how many of those are maniac here with things he knows me that was like a goblin you know I was then he's like oh it's alright yeah he's the see of that my daughter like she's 20 now but like she watched that show for sure young Selena Gomez what was it she was a bravely place was it's a bravely place yeah it was it's a popular show the kids the the the Gen Z people know it now you're such a great actor though, man Thanks, you two man. I couldn't cry on cue like you didn't know me

Well, you know, that's so fun. He called me up two months ahead of time and did what you're not supposed to do He's like can you cry on film? Yeah, all right. I'm writing a scene for you But you got to be able to cry. I'm like well You kind of fucking me up now because now I'm thinking about it until we do it. You know, he's not supposed to do it. You just give the person the part and then they find a way, right? I think the only I do is I cry in my trailer ahead of time. And then what I get to see, you know, I'm already emotionally able to. I was like, I was thinking about my childhood and I'm in. That's all I just, three days.

I got one. I remember a birthday. I mean, there's a lot of bad things. Have you had a real like a cryon camera for auditions? For auditions, yeah. Yeah, he booked me, he goes, it does, and you're working with a really famous Broadway actress, she's royalty and so you have to have your line, you gotta really have it together. It's really interesting.

That's fine, he didn't trust you. Well, he doesn't even trust me. He gave you a big part. I found out that later, like, so I got there. I mean, I studied so hard and I was trying to find the moment and blah, blah, I worked my butt off. We get there. It's still there.

We get there. We work. We get there. We start. Sorry. We get there. We start the line. The lady goes, we start the line.

I go, mom, and she does her, and she goes goes what's the line? She forgot the line. Not one line She I mean do it took 17 hours to shoot this fucking thing. What is it again? I was like fuck you She did line by line. Oh so mad dude Everybody thanks for listening that was just a portion of our actual serious XM radio show. If you want the whole thing, the whole damn thing, go to seriousxm.com slashbombfire for a special offer. That's right, and go to bigjcomedy.com and robbercallylive.com to check out our standup dates coming to a city near you.

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