The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Conspiracy Theories (w/ Langston Kerman)

Episode Date: May 19, 2021

Langston Kerman joins the The Bonfire and tells the gang about his new podcast "My Momma Told Me" Stream "The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder" for 3 months free on the SiruisXM app! Offer Details Apply: www.SiriusXM.com/Bonfire Follow us on all social media @TheBonfireXM@DanSoder www.DanSoder.com@BigJayOakerson www.BigJayComedy.com#CrackleCrackle

Hey, it's Big J. Okerson and Dan Soder. Welcome to the Bonfire podcast. We'll have new episodes every morning, Tuesday through Friday. You want more bonfire. You can hear our full show every day on SiriusXM. You can go to SiriusXM.com slash Bonfire for a special three month offer. The Bonfire. Yeah, great. Audio is connected and the audio is connected. There he is. Yeah, please welcome to the show, the fucking hilarious Langston Kermann.

What's up, dude? What, uh, oh shit. There's sound effects. Yeah, I like that. Go check out. That sounds like... 7,000 people watching on zoom I don't know if you know this we're pumped into a new arena in Oslo

They fucking love us in Norway and go over it is Check out Blankston's podcast my mama told me where he goes over popular black conspiracy theories with guests and as two of the widest guys And are there are there ones I wanna know about? Black Lou won't tell us the Black Conspiracy theories. So that's reasonable. You guys are gonna do good things with the information. You're not gonna do the right thing out in the world. Black Lou goes a little hints though.

Black Lou gives a little hints though. He'll be like, me and Dan are gonna be like, hey, we're gonna sail around the world. He goes, fall off the earth if you want to. Yeah. I go, sorry guys, sorry guys, it was raining outside and then under his breath he goes, room probably smells like wet dog. That's why you smell like that. Yeah, I get it.

Langston and I spent all of last August together in Edinburgh when I was out there. We had a fucking fun time hanging out. And one of, easily one of my favorite moments, Langston was when we were at dinner. Oh, I think I know this. That is great We were with my friend Zach and we were at dinner and the boys had just came out and yeah Everyone was watching the boys and we're like yeah, it's a great show and then Langston's like yeah I'm in the boys and then my friend's agger that we need to beat goes right. I'm into it too Yeah, I'm in the boys and then my friend's aga that we need a beat goes right. I'm into it too I think the exact wording was like oh, I'm in season two and then you sort of were like oh, I

I mean, I guess I'm I'm still in season one Cool man And then the rest of the time Jack was like I just want to talk to Langston about season two. I want to know it's going on. Yeah. I wish they told me anything. They don't tell me shit. They just made me show up. Was that a show where you had to get jacked for? Did you get like a personal trainer? Yeah. They hired a man to show up at at my home every two days and just yell at me and make me do all kinds of exercises. My body didn't know it could do. How many hours? How many hours in a clip?

It would be like an hour at a time. His whole thing was like, I could make you buff in an hour. All these other trainers are going to make you spend two hours a day. Give you the five minute. It's a good sell. It was a five minute app. It was like in dumb and dumb. He's like, not six minute abs. Five minute abs.

Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy, Doc. Did you, did you, you know, you're married now, but at the time your fiance, did she notice your body get better? Where she like, fuck yeah, this show rules. Yeah, I mean, I guess she wasn't, she doesn't throw out the compliments the way Papa needs it.

You know what I mean? Like you want somebody who's gonna be like, ah look at those, those are come gutters. And instead it just, nothing. You're gonna have to get juiced up like, come out if you wanna turn heads. Yeah, you gotta walk around with that fucking rock body. That's it. I wanna get, I to get so my neck doesn't move anymore

You know dude just it's just gonna be funny to watch him try to be funny with that body that can cross all of us I think he's gone. I think he broke barriers is the first Asian Joe Piscopo He's got so fucking jack He went Piscopo. He's got some fucking jack. He went Piscopo. He went full Piscopo with it. No, and Carrotop, too. Carrotop was another one that went all fucking and got yoke late in the game.

He never go full Piscopo. You can't go full Piscopo. Every comedian knows you how go full Piscopo. I watched that Amazon Prime just put it on shutter, rather it had put up the insert search of darkness too where they go through All the horror movies of the 80s. Yeah, it's great. It's like a Four hours long both of them but there are they go through and they went through dead heat Which I forgot about treat Williams and Joe Piscopo

Mmm And they was like that was the unveiling of Joe Piscopo as like a muscle guy and every scene in that movie is Him wearing like a sleeveless shirt but I mean like oiled up muscles. I'm wearing a sleeveless shirt because I haven't taken a shower yet and I just when I wore when I woke up today and I'm not going to do anything publicly like this. So you feel like in that scenario he requested sleeveless shirts. 100% said oil me. He said, hit me with the good stuff.

Break up trailer, Blackley. You can see it's straight up in the trailer. He is yoked and wet at all times. I think the second you get big, big muscles, your baby oil budget goes through the roof. It's expensive. You're just always lacquered. Like whole Cogin's arms were always just lacquered in the 80s with fucking baby oil.

You got to grease the crevices and muscles have so many crevices. To your body, it's just flat. It's just a smooth surface all the way across. If you put it on my somewhat round and soft body, baby oil, it looked like I got out of like an alien pod and just skidding. Yeah. I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh. It would never look, yeah, it would look like I was

like covered in dew, like some sort of like a dewy, like condensation moisture from inside or outside. It could be environment. It could be old. It could be environment or it could just be my internal problems, whatever it is, I'm just like sweating like ham. And now, Langston, on your podcast, is there any, because I just want to know as a white

guy, are there any black alien conspiracy theories that like, this is all a trick from the white man? Yeah, it's unfortunate that I think a lot of our alien conspiracy theories tend to be surrounding y'all where it's like only white people get abducted or like that's a white problem that aliens exist. How much would I have heard if you found out that aliens were racist? We don't want to pick up the black ones. They're like, they have a lot of work and there's no need to call those niggas too. It's an awful lot's a no we have a different word for it

It's called a ziplop, but we don't really say it if you say it with the pee It's offensive. What a trade off white guys white people get abducted and black people get sickle so that's the Trade of the only one can get and Jewish people get tastes X That's how they do it out Everybody gets something everybody gets something white people who get alien abduction. They go, yeah, the first white guy that was like, well, this sounds pretty good.

Doesn't sound like we're born with any sort of blood or complications that are system to go. Yeah, a little gray man are about to fuck you with giant cold iron rods. Yeah, they're gonna tear up your butt, young man. And I don't know if that's what you want. All three of those problems kill one of a hundred. It's just a complete evening out here. That's the curve. We got the curve.

We're gonna figure out how to make it all. Most abduction people come back as far as we know. We never heard, well, they didn't drop Terry back off. Yeah. Yeah, they come back, but they don't come back well. Nobody makes it back and it's like nailing it afterwards You know, I've also never heard the story of though of someone that was like when he left He was a professor and had it all together It's always so they were they were always gonna be bad witnesses no matter what and I'll tell you what the only thing What it makes sense about that is the aliens know enough about us to go?

Well, who's the people who no one's gonna take seriously? Yeah, do they always that he's fucking it up with the people I don't know the people that choose to live alone in this giant field Why don't we land here and make that mark in the yeah, they're they're tracking they're tracking GPAs before they This guy's got it this guy failed his GD they go pick them up This guy failed his GD they go pick him up Let's go get him. He sounds awesome. Yeah, the aliens aliens do like they do sport hunting the way we do with like lions Where they're like hey take out that injured one from like oh yeah, that guy over there that cover there things teeth or a luxury Pix scoop them. Yeah, they just scoop. They just always abduct walking bags of free does They're just like grab that corn chip.

It might be that whole do thing you were talking about. Does anybody who looks do-y for no reason at all, you pick them up. I guess you can't. It's him, Mark. Who would I do? Why is that guy wet? It's not raining. Grab him.

Have you not worked out? That's just how he looks. Let's get him. He goes, trust me, these whites don't have zero to know muscle tone. Grab him. He goes, trust me, these whites don't have, they've zero to no muscle tone. Grab him. Have you had any conspiracy theories that you've learned doing this podcast that you're like, that's changed your mind like in a way where you're like, not ever thought of that. That could be a thing. Oh, man. I don't know if it changed my mind, but there are things where like I was indifferent

to it. And now I've solidified like a hard form, depending about this shit like DNA test thing. I would never in my life allow anyone in my home, family, anything to do this shit. Really? 23 and a half to 23 and a half? Yeah, exactly. Like the, so basically the long winded version of this shit is that now they can sell your your information to like places that do something called they have something called predictive technology, which means that they can predict whether or not you are likely to live past a certain age and subsequently not give you insurance, not tell you a mortgage

for a house like all kinds of shit because they don't think you'll live past 50 and therefore won't be able to to to some money. And you can tell and you can tell that is the black take from the conspiracy theory because the white one from mine is I'm like, they're cloning us and they're going to take our jobs and I can't have my job I can take it. I'll tell you what when you said that Langston black when you said that one black loose wiped his brow he got a little like Don't tell me you did it 23 and me black glue don't do it please. Yeah, what a boring

There's so many people give him to it just comes back to it's like just basic black shit Do you know what I mean it's like I like we did ours and the thing and I was like when it came back you're like why like I Nothing in there was I like whoa Shitty part it's like mutt white shit in Jewish the two things I knew was gonna be well That was my yeah, you want a fun surprise in there you you want some Ethiopian snuck in there Langston with how wide I am and being from Colorado. If I got some Ash Kanazi Jew, I would really take it in that day. I would like to.

John, then you gone and would have been fun for you. Yeah. That would have been fun too. I with the with that kind of testing though, it's my favorite take was South Park doing the white people being like and I'm 15% victim White people use it as a way out to be like we're not racist. I'm 3% Native American I could never do that the Metzger Kurt Metzger had one of the best jokes about that when they're like I'm I'm 2% or 3% Blackfoot Indian and so that's nothing you're 0% that he goes even if there was really 2% in there The rest of your body would have pushed it off into a reservation

Let her asshole or something. Yeah, the shittiest part of your body Yeah, you got to build a casino on your taint Why one I wonder if that stuff like the knowledge that they're actually selling the information I wonder if that will, like the knowledge that they're actually selling the information. I wonder if that will ever come out of like, yeah, we were just straight up giving Etna all of your DNA to let him know. Oh, no, no, no, it's, it's hella public. That's the crazy part. It's not like some crazy secret you sign when you sign up for this shit.

You are signing up to give your fucking DNA to a third party that then gets to like, you know, basically decide the rest of your life. Fuck that. Yeah, no, it sucks, dude. It's real bad. Did you get the vaccine? Did you get the vaccine? Oh, yeah, I said shoot me up immediately.

Tuskegee, who? I'm not an airman. Those guys were in the sky all the time. I'm fine. I'm on the ground. Tuskegee, I know her brother. Did you, I mean, were you nervous at all about the vaccine? Because even comics I know were like, I don't know.

Are you gonna get it? And I was like, fuck yeah, I'm gonna get it. I knew I was gonna get it right away, but I was nervous for sure. Yeah, I was super nervous. I like, it's not absurd. And we fucking, oh shit, that was super nervous. I like it's it's not not absurd and it's we fucking oh Shit, that's my audio. Yeah, I love it. I love it. By the way We just had Jay's mom on and she stopped us talking so she could address someone in her house

Which was one of the fun of moments. I think of the podcast or the radio show She made you stop recording She didn't even stop her which goes hold on hold on. What? I was just doing a live show to say hang on someone saying something in the house. Yeah. It was Jay sister calling for upstairs and she's like hold on. Why?

Was it at least a good conversation? Did you guys? Oh, great. Oh, Jay on Jay's mom on the show is fantastic. No, I meant the conversation she was having now. It was just in how shit like are we holding down our we man and then her. That kind of shit mom's never shut you up for fun stuff. They always shut it up for for their convenience.

She knows it's a national live radio show. She just come. I said before we she even came on. I go. I bet my stepfather will treat it like it's not that also and just come through the background and go Jay and he did he did multiple times. Yeah, you just got to check in on you make sure you're there. Oh no, I love it. That's just classic stepfather. Yeah, that's just step that.

Jay, you're not moving back are you? Hey, do I talk into this as a man with three stepfathers? That's classic stepdad you just got to you got to take it where it comes. Did you love that you do? Like any of them? I was gonna say can you give us your top three in order? Can you go one two three with the stepdad names? Okay, I and I actually talked to you guys about this the last time.

Yeah. I was on the school. The ball. The man's state. Oh, yeah. The number one's got to be Benny the bull. That's what I should not.

I should not be because he was let me be clear. Not because he was a good stepfather. He was he was not a good stepfather to us or anyone in the home. He's a fine man, but he's an alcoholic but god damn are those fun stories of just a bull. Yeah he's been in the bull and he had a breath alizer on his car. It's just a fun game. The thought of any NBA mascot having to blow to a breath laser before they go warm up a crowd before they have big cartoons and they're like you can do this so with Benny, Bounan,

you know the DT's actually help when you're fucking getting a really good I used to knock back a fifth and go hit that fucking trampoline with the ball I met Benny the bowl and he smelled like Bacardi Lemont. Why does Benny the bull drink so cheap? He's got to believe it himself. Yeah, do come on, Benny the bull go top shelf. Benny the bull keeps hitting on my daughter. The worst part of it wasn't that that he had the to have the breath the lives of, but we only had one car. So we all had a breath the lies around the car,

which meant that anytime I needed to borrow the car, I was like picking girls up and having to blow periodically, because it doesn't just go off before you drive. It goes off periodically throughout the ride to make sure you're not drinking and driving and shit. So you just be on a date, being like, so you're going to Tulane and then fucking blow. just be on a date being like so you're going to Tulane and then fucking blow shit anyway so my mom and my pulled on this week sweetie that's actually a pretty good place for engineering I hear their program

I hear they have a good uh hold on real quick are you they'll let you transfer from anywhere you're gonna do on campus on campus are off campus living You know, let you transfer from anywhere. You're gonna do on campus, on campus or off campus. Living, let's live this. Living. Back to my mama told me, have you found any conspiracy theories that are different based on race? Like white people believe this conspiracy theory to be this,

black people believe this conspiracy theory to be. Like they both believe it, they both believe it. That's like a death jam premise. White people a conspiracy theory like this there's a great one oh black blue looks like he's sitting on something hot right now I'm not gonna stop him go crazy I just find out hilarious that why people think aliens built the fucking pyramids they will not give Africans any credit by the way it really is not taking the credit because they go, they're impossible to make. There's no way human could have made these good.

Yeah, is that the coolest thing? It's like, now, no, I had to be aliens. There, there's a, this is a, I guess a classic thing, but there's that story of, of Lil Kim sucking so many dicks that she had to get her stomach pumped like she and apparently that's the same thing for y'all, but a different lady. Uh, I never heard it was a lady. I always heard it was Rod Stewart. Oh, okay.

I didn't even hear that, but I actually heard a little Kim. That's the one I heard. I heard. Oh, shit. I heard it was more set. Yeah. That's more set. I never heard that one before, but I definitely heard it.

There's an out ironic. The big ones they had to go. They always said that Rod Stewart had to go get drink charcoal to get come out of his stomach. If you're like Rod Stewart or Richard Geer, like ours, I think our little Kim getting pumped out of her stomach is Richard Geer had a gerbil in his ass hole. Yeah, did the black dude have anybody with a gerbil in their ass? No, we don't play in our butts like that. That's not a fun rumor for us.

Let's start it here. Let's start it here. Little Nas X. Little Nas X was gerbil of his butt. Just the phrase that we don't play with our butt like that is so fucking funny. That's fair. We don't play with it. Yeah, ours was Richard Geer had a mouse in his butt that died. And then there's the, like Jamie Lee Curtis. It was a, uh, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, a white Barbie and a black Barbie for conspiracy theories. They'd still conspiracy travels so far though at a point where it's like something in my

mind even has like a vague recollection that I still wouldn't answer for sure if Jamie Lee Curtis was or wasn't. By the way, she was crazy hot in the 70s particularly. I mean, so hot and trading places and everything. This called Wanda hell you so hot But I but I still think in my mind I was almost told that she's admitted this before Yeah, probably what it was is she was born on her Maffordite and then they make a choice Yeah, they chose the female sex, but I think it also might not be any truth to it at all whatsoever and part of the conspiracy is that she's admitted it

Yeah, I think that was all before internet almost every time what you find out is like there's literally no truths of most of these things. And like it's just like the whole thing with Sierra was that she had gone on Oprah and announced it on Oprah. Like, hey, y'all, I am a inner sex. I'm this, you know, a person that used to have opinions, but now I don't. And the Oprah episode doesn't fucking exist. She's never even been on Oprah. The bitch didn't say it.

You think Oprah's mad about that? Oprah's like, I didn't have that fucking second rate celebrity on. Get the fuck out of here. I'm on the top of the top. I'm on Oprah. What are you talking about on Oprah? You think you go wood and you get on Oprah? You gotta go play them, baby. You gotta go play them. You about on Oprah? You think you go wood and you get on Oprah? You got to go Pop them baby. You got to go platinum. You don't know my goodies my ass. You're not coming on Oprah

Dan if you give me a moment with Langston here for me and Jacob. I'd be remiss if I didn't bring up the boys season three is gonna be coming up and And I know here's the thing can give you a little backstory here. Jacob and I, and my girlfriend, Christine, all through quarantine, the show that kept us not freaking out, was supernatural. We just went, my parents loved it

and they were like, you'd like it, it's fun. And it was fun and we watched it. Same people involved, making the boys, and it's supernatural. And me and Jacob, a little bit of a man crush on Jensen, Ackles, who I know is joining the crew this year. My question is, have you met him? And is he everything I dreamed you would be? Well, Jay, I hate to disappoint you on all of this, but I have,

I have not met him. I'm not involved as far as I know they sure haven't called me. I'm letting you down in every direction on this one. That's why I'm not buffed. Look at my little arm. Oh, no, I don't. You're back to being Clark Kent Langston. I don't like Clark Kent Langston. I look super man Clark Kent.

Were you, were you, uh, you drank all that fresca and they didn't bring you back? Yeah, that was real fresca. That was real fresca. They don't, they don't fuck around. There's no prop drinks on that set. Fuck yeah. I like that the boys are about it. They bring the real fucking fresca out. Yeah. That was real titty milk that the, uh, Lander's drinking. That really was Elizabeth shoes 10 mil. I really was Elizabeth shoes 10 mil. It's pretty good. And to get Elizabeth shoe up and lactating for the fucking show. It was so cool to see it, man.

I was such a such a fun. And you were great, man. Yeah, it was it was like a really fun, like a cool role. Like you would you you get afraid of is like you said, I don't want to have to get like real buff and like learn to be a real superhero. I just want to show up and kind of do it. And that's that was great. Yeah, that's pretty, yeah.

You don't have to change your entire life forever. No, it's something. I'm glad Langston doesn't just start taking random pictures of sweets that he's treating himself with. Like he's a fucking panda at the zoo when they show those where they go. We're gonna take in a year. Yeah, look, look at this.

Look, we're gonna give this, that's what they always do with zoo pictures where they go, we're gonna give this brand new panda a little bit of cantaloupe. And then that's what buff dudes do like the rock is like, look, I'm gonna feed myself pancakes. You're like, all right. Yeah, every day has a word.

I mean, Chris Hemsworth is already fucking yoked I'm gonna feed myself pancakes. You're like, oh yeah. Every day has a word. I mean, Chris Hemmer's worth is already fucking yoked to play Thor. And then they're like, on his down time, you're like, hey, you want to play Hulk Hogan? He was like, ah, I'm gonna fucking like, come on, man. All right. But then that's even scarier,

because then he has to get a different kind of yoked. You know what I mean? It's not even the same buff. Yeah, he's probably like a comfortable buff at this point for Thor. And now they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's like when a girl has fake tits and they're like, D's and they're like, we're going to have to throw some double G's in. Yeah. Fuck, that's a whole lot more.

Oh, my back. Oh, there's going to be bad. All right. Well, the words of whole cogan, let her rip brother. Rip it. Rip right, well, in the words of whole Coke and let her rip, brother. Yeah. Rip it. Rip it, brother. Dude, what I love about Langston is he's so cool and humble that I would tell everybody I was in the boys. Langston was just that we're at dinner at a fucking

pad Thai place in Scotland and he's like, yeah, I'm in season two. And I was like, oh, you're already into it cool My character and I was like no spoilers no spoilers don't tell us don't tell me cool Yeah, Dan introduced himself to my family is Dan Soder from TV's billions. Yeah, that's nice I actually go through my real with them with them. On the TV, I do the Apple. And you tell you should people because then we watch this, but watch it. We're here. I go. You know what? Jay, I'm going to do this. Do they have HBO Max? I'm just going to put on my special. I just. There's some subtle moves

in this scene that you're going to want to clock in on. Did you have anybody from your, did you have anybody from your past that was blown away by you being in the boys that they're like, I like that. I fucking, I watch, I know you're not doing this. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure you guys feel this way all the time. My family doesn't respect art or anything that that we're doing. So I think they're all like, oh, this one's premium. This is better than the other stuff you've been bullshitting around with. Dude, let me tell you, my grandma doesn't give a fuck about billions. I bought her multiple

seasons on DVD, let out a left to an instruction pad on how to work her DVD player. Lady hasn't broken the plastic off season one. Couldn't care less that Paul Giamott and Damian Lewis. It is. The, the fucking I was in a, this show called Bless This Mess, like a year and a half ago. And the, my, it's the first show that my grandparents who only have regular ass TV can watch. And I distinctly remember my grandmother watching it, then calling me and being like, I don't like it, but I'm really happy to see you're working.

It's not for us. We don't care for it. Your grandfather looks at it and he doesn't laugh, but I'm happy you're doing something. Yeah, and you're like, thanks, me, mom. I enjoyed my, my, my, when I should have my mom's house, I mean, it's always recently on the show, but and look through the window.

And I saw they had my little grandmother Who raised me for so many years and loves me so much and they just all I saw was her silhouette standing in front of a big screen TV with like my Showtime's white boys in the hood set which was vulgar is all I just see what and I run into the house I'm like, oh, hey, you don't have to do that and then she was like no, it's okay the the people seem to be enjoying it That was her worth the people seem to be enjoying it. Yeah, that hurts more than I don't like it Mom's and grandma's are samarized to cutting to the core of you They just with what they can they do link cut you my mom or who hers is rooted in pure My grandma's

Whenever she wasn't even being like judge mental of it. It's just so not her thing that she was just like, she's trying to find the positive. She's like, everyone seems to, she couldn't say like, it was really funny that come joke you just made. I love what my, that I prefer that over a mom who really likes what I do.

That, that seems insane. Like I've met on, you know, on these sets, you meet some parents who are just hanging around and real proud and it's like, oh, this is fucking miserable. Yeah. What the hell do you do? It is. Which is like, did you see what he did? And you're like, can you leave it alone, lady? I feel like you're pushing. Get the fuck in nuts. Well, we know that you have to go at 630. We kept you a little bit long, but make sure you go check out Langston's new podcast. My mom told me now, available everywhere you listen, Langston's

fucking hilarious. And I'll show. It's awesome guys. This is very much fun. I love hanging with you. And check out the boys season two. Go check out Langston. And if you haven't watched, yeah, none of the other seasons. I love hanging with you and check out the boys season two go check out lengths And then if you ever watch yeah, none of the other seasons. I don't get that season three fuck season three and fuck Jensen echoes. Yeah, you fuck point of references. Just go watch.iusXM's bonfire!

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