The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Cop Show with Colin Quinn

Episode Date: October 16, 2024

Colin Quinn's new special "Our Time Is Up" is his stand-up performed with all psychiatrists in the audience. Bobby watched it and gives a review. Jay and the guys tell stories of the old days when they had to audition to get college gigs. Bobby played a fat Asian woman on Collin's "Cop Show." She was called Sister Ping and Bob wore the costume on Halloween. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolfSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to new episodes ad-free and a whole week early.

And now the bonfire with big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly What's up everybody I didn't know that I didn't know the show started as soon as one of us talks We're back. It's the bonfire the great Colin Quinn Why are we playing the stones two albums from the 80s every song is from there I'm gonna ask you a question. Why are you holding your fingers together? Because I'm furious. Like a Frenchman trying to make a point. I'm furious. If you don't undo your fingers right now, I'm gonna break them.

I'm gonna use them and I'm gonna pull your fucking earlobe off. I hate your little fingers. And I'm gonna bite it. I hate your thin fingers. I'm gonna bite it. I hate them. Don't touch me with your little fingers. I hate your Irish hands.

Oh, you remind me of my grandmother. You're like a priest. You have priest hands. Oh, yeah You remind me of my grandmother. You look like a priest. You have priest hands. Don't touch my dick. The Great Colin Quinn, he's got a special right now. It's on YouTube. Our time is up. And it was filmed, very interestingly enough, in front of an all-therap therapists. A convention of therapists, which is wild.

And I had made that tweet, watched the special. You did, thank you. And then you smashed me on Twitter. I did. And I wrote an in-depth review of your whole special. I appreciate that. I do, and I'm gonna actually tweet that. Thank you.

It's on X, it's on X. Show you some respect for Mr. Musk. Oh, it's X now. First of all, Jay, you didn't even watch my special. I can tell just by the way you're sitting here. That's the worst. And the one you did in front of the convention of the therapist.

Jay, I'm gonna send you all the stuff. I'm gonna send you notes right now. Jay, the one you did. We're talking about mental health in America and how it relates to the world. It's kind of like a theme and the whole thing is that. I'm not gonna read them. I have two pages of notes about your special.

The adverb joke was so good. The HR was a great one. The fact that you did a whole set in front of psychotherapy symporium was perfect. Thank you, Jay. These are my words. This guy didn't watch it. I did.

Influencer therapist, what was his name? Mathias. Mathias. Mathias. You did watch it. Mathias was a masterful crowd work on a special that you actually took the guy. Social media was a fat aunt in the kitchen,

made me cry laughing. He said social media's a fat aunt in the kitchen. When it started, it was positive. Bobby, can you watch porn on that? You can't watch porn on this. This is a no-point thing. What the hell's your problem, Jay? It's better if you didn't watch this person

and then you cut him off when he's giving the review. Oh, no, I've been just giving the review forever. No. Nobody checks out anything. 96% of the times, was it a per... He's giving the whole special. I reviewed... It doesn't matter, it's out there anyway. I watched it.

The Adam and Eve bit about Steve Jobs was brilliant. Here's my top 10 favorite punchlines only. It's fine, who cares? At this point, It's already out there It's done. It's done what it's gonna do the five famous last words made me want to quit comedy That joke was I mean if you watch this special as far as jokes Well, Jay won't so don't worry about that Jay will today Jay watch matter Esa stuff. They'll watch yours Jay lost the eye of the tiger. It's now no I have it watch your batteries and stuff. He'll watch yours. Jay, you lost the Eye of the Tiger.

It's now, no, I haven't. You can watch a concrete special on YouTube, casually. No, I... It's right there on your phone. I can absolutely... And I absolutely will. It's too late. No, it might be too late for you, but no.

And Bobby, you can attest to this. I will attest to it. I got your back, unlike Jacob. I almost exclusively... I don't watch... Anybody who I know is great, which I do think that of you. I think you're uh, well, that's hard to say Yeah, no, that's what I'm saying. So right here watching it to me is like I don't know when it's time when I want to sit down and watch like someone do

Really? Well, I like watching Terrible terrible comedy. Oh, it's my favorite Stop doing me like I'm an amateur I had to say the irony that we all have a watching bad comedy I only want to do with you shut up you should be comedians like you Jay Cone. You may not understand Jay explain it more. I've been doing this one quarter of a decade and I think we could all agree You said it to me like I was middling for you. And you're like, listen, when you get to my point,

you start watching it deconstructing it. Stop that. It might be a salty dog. Bad comedy is great comedy. That's where I'm at. I feel like that wasn't you. I think I flipped you a little bit on that. I put you through those Matariz documentaries.

And I was like, come on, man. Isn't this great? I, no, he did. He got me into watching crazy, fucked up things about people on the internet, which I do appreciate. But as my- Of course we all appreciate it. Didn't everybody say how great we are all the time?

My friend Colin, who has come up with, how many specials have you had now? Oh, I don't know, but a lot. I mean, a lot of specials. Sure. And this last one, and I say this all the time, was my favorite. I mean, and I've been to every single one of your shows. He comes to my shows and he insists on paying.

Well, I insist on paying because the seats you gave me were garbage the first time. He does say. Well, he does have bad luck when he comes to my shows. It's not bad luck. It's you fucked me on my seats. It's not bad luck, fuckface. You fucked, I don't want to swear so much He gets me swearing you I he said you have

systematically and methodically Place him behind a camera No, every show he's come to see you not the first show ever The first on Broadway. I said I want a big night. You're there for your friend on a big night. Broadway, I was there one of the nights. I wanted to buy my tickets, no. I'm buying my, no you're not, I'm getting you tickets. And I was like, I told Don, I go, he doesn't,

I go, we wanna support, no. Your money's no good here. I need someone to fill that seat in front of the camera. No, no, it's in the camera. We show up, we dressed up. I put shoes on with laces. What? I tied shoes.

Like a shoe, this is not a sneaker at all. It was a shoe. Like a Sperry? Like a Dachshund? Like a penguin. Okay. And I mean, we dressed up. We show up, they were met at the door.

We met at the door, and I went up to the lady, and I handed her my tickets, and I was expecting her to go Mr. Kelly come with me Maybe go backstage first or maybe go right up to the front. She had your mop in a name tag No, the lady went like this. She's at the door. She goes right there She pointed to the seat second to last row behind a camera in in front of what's his name? twiddle twiddle twiddle fucking twitching Santani every fucking five seven every five minutes

nickels dimes quarters to the entire show. Spitting in Don's hair. Even Bob Levy, Bob Levy was in the house. Bob Levy? I was with Bob Levy Twitchels behind me. And you and Don dressed to the nines. To the nines. I was. Oh, who took your top coat and tails?

After the show, nobody even came and got us didn't even acknowledge me They were fucking know anything say calm would like to see you in his dressing room Nothing they said they said sir. Can you move? I have to move these weight plates off this camera base I believe I called you as soon as I left and told you to go fuck yourself Fuck your manager. Fuck your assistant and fucking never call me again Fuck your manager, fuck your assistant, and fucking never call me again. Oh, yeah, I think so. Next special.

Okay, so here, now you told Colin about this. We had, I mean, I was serious. I called you up like you're a fucking piece of shit. I brought my wife. I brought my wife. Yeah, you don't like it embarrassing in front of your lady. Because she's also, Dawn, and that's one thing I love about her,

she, much like Christine, is ready to prance on you the same way Christine does with me. She can't wait until one of your friends starts busting your butt. You hear her in the background cackling as Colin tells me to shut up. Well, you know what, Colin? She's going to pay for all those shut-ups later. Hey, you think it's funny when Colin tells me to shut up, do you? Would you be happy to be sitting with fellow comedians,

Twitchell's and Bob Levy? They're not comedians. Twitchell's not, he's the guy with, ring, skee, wee, meow. That's crazy. I've done stuff like that. And then as soon as you go to the bathroom, Bob Levy's trying to lick blue cheese out of Dawn's ass crack.

Hey, if you want, I could put some blue cheese in your butt crack and lift that up. Dawn was wiping her hair off from Twitchell's spit. I mean, I was legitimately go fuck yourself. Somebody else was there too. At least he was eating popcorn. I was so mad. And then, so the next special,

I said I'm buying my fucking, I don't want them. I wanna come. Are we on Broadway again? Where were we? Downtown. Downtown. Big night, huge night. Netflix, I believe, right? Netflix.

Netflix. I come in. You don't pay. I come in. I come in. He won't let me pay. He won't let me pay. Well, you're under the umbrella.

I come in from fucking Westchester. Rush hour. I'm in an hour and 45 minutes of traffic getting there. I finally get there. I park my car. Are you dressed up? I run, yes, dressed up again. I run over to the thing outside.

Mr. Kelly, yes, come with me. They take me, I'm like, oh, finally. They take me in, they make me sit in the lobby for fucking 15, 20 minutes. Class. Sitting there, they forgot me. Okay. Forgot me, so I'm sitting there. I finally have to get up and go, hey, am I supposed to get in? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 20 minutes. Class. Sitting there, they forgot me. Okay. Forgot me, so I'm sitting there.

I finally have to get up and go, hey, am I supposed to get up? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh yeah. Come with me. Now you're annoying them a little bit. Oh Christ, yes. Come with me, they bring me in, they bring me down, going to the front.

Okay. And I'm like, all right, great. He did you right. So then they go, okay, you're in this aisle, which is sixth row, maybe. Crisis averted. Unbelievable. But there's a guy, probably one of his old fucking

Brooklyn Irish alcoholic killers that he used to live with, dressed in all Pierre Cardin, gold bracelet, necklace, probably murdered seven people. I'm at one of my fattest, by the way. Looks up at me and goes, ah, Jesus Christ. Oh shit, that feels terrible. He went, Jesus Christ. Oh shit, that feels terrible. He went, Jesus Christ. Oh, that feels terrible.

He's letting you know, I'm gonna deal with you, and he's not afraid to fight you. He's already clearly made it seem, he's making that visual right away, is going like, I'm gonna be bummed about your fat ass sitting next to me, and I'm gonna let you know it. Yeah, then he goes. Oh, I've been the victim of that.

Then he goes, Maria, get up. He's gotta get in. Which maybe, she gets up. I hear her go, she gets up. Is this gonna be all night? They get out and then there's a fat girl next to my chair. As soon as Fatty sees other Fatty, elbows, gush. Oh, he's like, there's no way.

She's like, these are my fucking, these are myrests. Yeah, you rest on your own fucking flaps So now I'm holding my tits Holding my tits in fear of my life armpits definitely sweating. I'm Cuz you're panicking and guess what's in front of me Jay What's that? Unobstructed view of a fantastic show with your friend Colin Quinn who told you is assured you know this won't happen again No heads roll. I think people were fired last time. Yeah, what happened? camera

I watched his special damn it on the lens the camera guy was and Now the whole show video village the whole show I kept leaning over to the right to the left Looking at him like go fuck yourself Because I wanted him to see you should have heckled loud. I was I was almost dead You should have loud heckled I didn't enjoy one fucking second of that show every time he would go to the right and left I'd lean over and look at him like you suck a dick and you know who wasn't enjoying you He was getting your energy. Yeah the camera guy

And you know who wasn't enjoying you? Who was getting your energy? Yeah, the camera guy the camera guy was feeling your energy That was annoying him with he wasn't doing his best work because you're he just feels you like this guy behind me fucking He feels the stress. He has to be there and he knows you hate it Oh, and that's that's taking his mind up from following Colin with a steady shot to the psychiatrist convention. Yeah, absolutely Right. I should have went there my yeah Am I remembering this wrong? Didn't you also at one of his specials get hit in the head by a camera? Psychiatrist convention. Yeah. Absolutely, dude. That's right, I should've went there. Yeah. Am I remembering this wrong? Didn't you also at one of his specials

get hit in the head by a camera? That might have been that one. That was at the first one. Oh, okay. That was at the, no, the camera boom. The camera boom at the first, there was a camera in front of me at the first one. And the camera guy hit me with the fucking camera.

Three for three. I'm gonna tell you this. Oh. I got hit with the fucking camera. Three for three. I'm gonna say this. I got hit with the camera, the boom camera at Bill Burr, Patrice's half-hour specials at Skirball Center. It just came out, I was just talking to somebody and it was like... Ow!

They don't give that much of a shit, by the way. No. They're like, sorry. SNL is something we get hit every week. Sorry. It's always great when you look up and you see all the other comedians, second row, Liz walks by me.

But, yeah, they got nice seats. At Keith's special taping, when you went to that, did you have to sit in one of the hilarious black sections in the back? Yes, yes. That was a different world. That was a different world. And I mean that like the TV show,

it was like Hillman College back there. Everyone hooting and hollering for their friend during his live taping. I was expecting a stomp crew to come in. I was like, doom, bap, boom, boom, bap, boom, boom. I haven't seen a cut yet, but I really hope to God after when Keith goes, so I went to the store, the other is, get him, Keith!

Yep. Who said that? Everybody. Everybody. Derek Gaines. Every time he did a good joke, he'd be like, yeah, Keith! Who said that? Everybody. Everybody. Derek Gaines. Every time he did a good joke, he'd be like, yeah, OG! Jesus Christ! That's what I'm talking about!

That's the one! Even professional comedians. Yes. Get him, Keith! I saw Rachel Specials. It was great. Yeah, nobody talked during that. I didn't see it live.

I just saw it on Netflix. No black people were allowed to go to that. Rachel Specials on Netflix right now. Yeah, it's so just came out just came up. Yeah, just came up. I Saw you had her on YKWD Dude you were laughing and laughing Look at everybody knows. Yeah, I love voices. Of course you do. I love character work and it's my Top tier if you love boys, you should go to Ted's to work and it's my Achilles heel. And she's top tier.

If you love voices, you should go to Ted's. All right, listen, I'll say this. You're sitting at Dan Tan's with me, and there's just a couple of guys talking to their regular voices. I was the first guy to have Dan Soda on my YKWD. He filled in one day. Joe DeRosa was like, ah, this kid Dan,

you should have him on. We had him on. I fell in love with him. And DeRosa was furious. Ah, you fucking do voices go fuck yourself I was like he does them great. He does amazing when he left. I said done I love this guy and she was like, I know he's very funny I love his characters too And I I loved Dan from that day on and he replaced Joe on the podcast

I'll tell you what drives so good So the angel DeRosa she's not good, so me and Joe DeRosa should start our own project then, because I'll tell you what it seems like from this seat over here, it seems like Dan Soder and me did the show for a while, and then Dan said, I don't want to broadcast anymore, and he quit. And then I brought Bobby on. And then Dan started a podcast, and then started another podcast with Bobby

What now they do the regs which is basically you want to see what bonfire would sound like without me I guess listen to the regs. That's all it's missing. The regs was around before bonfire The regs is original YKWD. No, no, YKWD was. It's YKWD. This is something different. No, it isn't. Well, yeah, Joe Rogan's been around for 20 years. But the Parks and Protect Our Parks

has only been around for a little bit. Listen to me. The Regs is the original YKW. After DeRosa left, it became Joe and Lewis. Damn, it was very easy to get out of retirement. What, you fucking John Stewart? None of us wanted to do it. Lewis bullied us into doing it, okay,

because he has tax money. I don't know what the fuck to do. I wish people could see Jay's face right now. Believe me, me, Dan, and Joe wanted to do it once in a while. Lewis, we gotta do this. Doggie, we gotta do this. We gotta do this once in a while. So that's what I should've just done.

I should've just taken a Lewis-Jay Gomez approach. When Dan was like, I think I wanna leave the show, I'll go, no, and then just moved on with life, and everything would just be where it was at. But you wouldn't be with me right now. I should have just taken a Louis J. Gomez approach. When Dan was like, I think I want to leave the show, I'll go, no. And then just moved on with life, and everything would just be where it was at. But you wouldn't be with me right now. No, you're goddamn right. So that's my point I'm making.

And Colin wouldn't have came in. No, I wouldn't have came in. Colin definitely wouldn't have come in for me and Dan. 100% he wouldn't have come in with you two. I came in for you and Dan for your opening. There was plenty out of me. No, I know. And that was plenty.

I came when you needed me. That was it. You get a lot more guests with me here, OK? That's true. Very, very true. You guys could probably get a rich voice now. You couldn't get that in the old days. Plus, I don't like broadcasting on a couch like that.

I couldn't be doing that. If that's what Dan wanted to do, I couldn't do that with him. I don't like a full body shot of me while I'm podcasting. Very strange. Sitting. Leaning back. Sitting on a couch. Dan likes it because he's like lean in six six seven. You know what I mean? Yeah

Well, yeah, it's those Ted. There's Ted Steakhouse meals. He's getting a lot of asparagus in him. I Remember the time though when you When I first the first time I ever met Quinn was at the NACA convention That wasn't the first time the first time we kind of we hung out Yeah, when I was like, ah, this guy's great. We were at NACA is the college thing. But it was the. So we performed for the people that

are going to book colleges. But it was the national one. The national one is the big one. But like, before you finish, let me say, before this, I was getting college gigs just randomly on my name. So I was doing well on doing colleges. So I didn't go in to NACA. It was just me getting greeted and saying, I'm going to get a bunch of colleges. I was doing well on doing colleges. So I didn't, going to NACA was just me getting greedy

and saying I'm gonna get a bunch of colleges. I was getting a number of them and it was all, it was going smooth sailing. So I go to this convention. 3,000 students, huge shows. All with checkbooks. It's the national convention. It's the biggest schools and it's all of them.

And you go there and you literally becoming a thousandaire, if not a millionaire from doing these things. And I went in and I sat, I sat in there, I just went to go and he was there. And then Lewis Black went up before you and fucking murdered. And then I remember. I was.

Remember we talked beforehand. We talked before. Hey, what's up man? He was great. He was so nice. Laughing. Laughing. I'm getting ready to go on.

Fine, confident. You in a purple suit? Yeah, we had a suit, but yeah. I don't know why purple is not your color. Yeah. He was in a purple suit. It was the times. Yeah.

Was this late 90s? Yeah. Yeah, everyone was still dressing up like. Absolutely. It was the late 90s. To get living color, yeah. And so, yeah. So he went up. Was this late 90s? Yeah. Yeah, everyone was still dressing up like Living color, yeah, and so yeah, so he went up they had two Trinitron screens on these that's how big the show was two Trinitrons with cameras and everything and he went up and

and took a Hot one Really? I mean a hot one. I mean I literally had the vision of Money like on those cartoons when the money's flying I mean a hot one. I mean I literally had the vision of money like on those cartoons when the money's flying with you. Money flying. Because if I had just not been there

I would have booked a few colleges, it was all great. I lost whatever those would have been even. And the same night you forget, Dane Cook, that was the night he blew up for colleges. Really? Yeah, he got... Dane had lines around the block. Mike Booth had nobody there except my agent, I think.

And Dane's had lines around the block for him because he went on that night and he destroyed that place. Destroyed it, yeah. Nobody wanted anybody but Dane. That was the only thing, Dane actually saved me from total emulation because nobody wanted anybody else. Well, they like, only thing. Dane actually saved me from total humiliation because nobody wanted anybody else. Well, they like, Lewis Black got a lot of colleges too

before you. He really didn't. Okay, well, all right. And then I went on The Daily Show like two years later and I remember I was like, yeah. Well, like three months later, I go, yeah, John, your buddy Lewis Black, I said trash, trying to attack Lewis Black

on The Daily Show because of that set, I was so mad. John's like, whoa, the crowd's like, eww. I only did one Apka. I gave my room, was it you did? Yeah, I got your room, I stole all the stuff out of it, by the way. Nice. I took it all.

I did one Apka and I went up there and was way too dirty. Everybody came up to my booth as they would walk by, not in line, just walk by, and be like, very funny, but like, we can't. Yeah. like okay and then I went to the wrong like well you have to sit down the block booking we talked about this the block booking room are you sitting there and they try to book you for a little bit cheaper we weren't supposed to go in there I don't think you're not supposed to hear this about yourself that you're no one once you had a discount even and

It was a Mike Vecchione his name was just first and I remember the deafening silence of this person said his name 800 times like he thought the microphone wasn't working cuz no one says like Mike Vecchione Mike Vecchione Mike Vecchione going at a discount Mike Vecchione It's like a restaurant if just two people Mike Vecchione. It's like a restaurant where they do the left. If just two schools book them, it's super cheap. Mike Vecchione. That's the problem with those things. Then they book the people they want, they get them and they're like,

oh, I thought it was different. They don't really understand. No, then they were like, Marty Putz and his water, his marshmallow gun. Yes! And they're like, haaaah! Marty Putz. Marty Putz in this one. Marty Putz in that marshmallow gum was a hit. That's how you hit it. The cover of NACA Magazine.

You were on Cop Show too, right? Huh? Did you do Cop Show? Wow. No. Oh wow, that's a, I feel bad. No, I feel bad. This is uncomfortable.

But makes you feel bad I didn't watch it either. So, fairness. I thought Cop Show was one of the greatest shows that never got on TV. No. I mean, no, it's hilarious. It really makes me angry thinking about it because, um, yeah, because I could have been that would have been the new tough crowd when I really started thinking about it. Well, he had me do sister ping, which was sister ping, which was a great character.

What was it? She was a... She was like kind of a, you know, indeterminate ethnicity, somewhere between Tibet and Malaysian, it was a combination of Southeast Asian. She was an Asian drug smuggling woman. And that's who we had me play. A human trafficking Asian drug smuggler, and he pulled it off. But they put me in this whole very pretty this whole get-up with a staff I remember a staff some yes, and I did this whole thing. It was a great episode and

Yeah, that's it see tweet that out Christine it looks very pretty though see But he would Bob would have been a great trance. How does this not haunt you? Well, here's the thing. So that's the acting teacher. She's just like me is acting too. This is doing I was that uh, Fuck I'm gonna get it. I want to get Joanna So this is my acting teacher the one act I ever took this was Halloween So I had to go gn Noam was having a Halloween party at his house. I didn't know about this.

Okay, having a Halloween party at his house with all the kids and all the adults. Shitloads of people, Noam's backyard. He goes, everybody's gonna be in costume. Everybody. He says, every, I go, even the adults, he goes, you gotta bring a costume. So I come from set like this.

Cause everyone's gonna wear a costume. I show up as Sister Ping at the house, I go in the back, I go in the backyard. No adult is dressed up. No one walks by me in a cardigan, like a sweater, and a pair of jeans. Oh my God, it's like Bridget Jones. I'm so fucking furious, I go, Noom,

you said people are dressing up. The adults are dressing up. You're not fucking dressed up. He pulled a little tiny mask out of his back pocket, a fox mask, he goes, what does the fox say? And he walked away, and I go, it gets worse. I go, I'm a fucking fat Chinese woman. I look to my left, this little Chinese lady

with her white nerdy husband just staring at me like, really? Oh no! I didn't know what I was gonna say. Did you say, did you go, so sorry? I had to sit at this fucking party like Sister Ping. Oh my God, this is the greatest ever. Yeah, you're like Mulan spelled M-O-O, L-A-N.

This character was so... I went to a show in Staten Island, and people came dressed up like Sister Pink. Yeah. People actually do Sister Pink for Halloween now. That's really funny. They do. It was gonna become a thing. Yeah, it was gonna be true.

I'm having to do something. I went to a... When I was on the show Z-Rock, we filmed at Mohegan Sun once. Did you see it? The joke was, no way. No. I watched it. Who else was it? The joke was, no way. I watched it.

Who else was it? What's your name? It was a band, Lynn Coplitz. Lynn Coplitz. It was me, Lynn Coplitz, and then a bunch of comics that gets things on it. Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll, I know. I'm the only one that watches.

No, no, no. That was me, that was me, you piece of shit. First of all, I'm the only one that watches Friend Shit, by the way. I watch your shit, and I watch your shit. First of all, I'm the only one that watches friend shit, by the way. I watch your shit and I watch your shit. It's true. You see my special? Killbox?

I did. Yeah, Killbox, I saw it, yeah, sure. Of course I did. All right, relax. I saw it before and after. What? I saw it before. Oh yeah, yeah.

You did. What the fuck was that? Oh, and Mohican Son. Mohican Son, one of the last scene we filmed was that the joke was that? Oh, Mohican Son. Mohican Son, one of the last scene we filmed was that the joke was that I was wearing like a golf store there, I bought like a female golf outfit, like a very light colored polo and like, skorts. Funny.

And I had like the golf club over and I'm doing it. That's funny. That's the visual gag of it. And then when we were done filming, we're on way late. And then at the very end they go uh they go if you guys want man you have to go right now he goes Van Halen's got like four songs left and I wouldn't have been able to change in time ago and so I went and sat and just stood by the way not even like officially with a ticket just I was able to stand like in the walkway and

it's like if anyone just kind of like divert attention to stage for a second just see a Fat guy dresses a female golfer. He's going everybody wants Oh my god at Van Halen. Yeah, so they just got back together. Just a fat Chevy Chase I remember Gabriel Iglesias used to tell a funny story. He told some funny story I don't know if he even did it on stage, but he told somebody I knew. And he was dressed in some cheerleader outfit, and the same, the two guys walking by on the set, giant pieces of plywood,

he's running to get to the next sketch, hits his head, knocked out, they have to take him to the hospital on a stretch. He's in the hospital, they dress like a cheerleader. I had that when Norton did his vice show, remember that? Oh boy. He did, remember the character he did, Uncle Paul? Yes.

That's a molester. Yeah. I didn't know what I was filming. Oh, it was like the kid in The Shining. That's what Uncle Paul said. So I showed up. The cop dressed him. I showed up and they go,

okay, come over here and get in your outfit. It was a diaper. Oh no! And a bonnet. No! Why'd you say no? With a badge. No!

I was baby vice. No! So I had to, outside in Brooklyn, on the streets, I had to, I had, so I had to stand there by a fence. Like people are walking by. And I'm in a diaper with a pacifier and a badge and then he was Uncle Paul and I was arresting him and he was pretending to go down and go near my penis.

Like when I would, I was like stop bending over. It was the most uncomfortable thing I've ever felt in my life. Why didn't you just say no? Because I don't know how to say no, Jay. You get so many opportunities to say no. I turned down weird nudity in Burke Chrysler's cabin. And look, did it cost me getting anything

except maybe two sentences out the entire episode? Probably. But, uh. This never aired. It was so bad. It never aired at all? No, you can't air a fucking. On Z-Rock, though, on Z-Rock one time they wanted me to do

literally a diaper thing on stage, and I was like, is the joke fat guy in a diaper, or is there something funnier beyond that? And they were like, no, it's like, it's bigger than that. And then I read the thing, and I was like, no, it's just fat guy in a diaper. I'm like, I'm all right, I don't want to do it. Yeah, but this was actually worse,

because it was a skit about a guy who molests babies. Yes. Yeah, on top of that. On top of that. I'd be more worried about the world zinging my tits than thinking I fucked a child. a guy who molests babies. Yes. Yeah, on top of that. On top of that. Yeah. I'd be more worried about the world seeing my tits than thinking I fucked a child. There's something about Fat Guys,

like they did that on Marin too, when I did Marin. The last scene was me taking on my shirt off and walking down the street topless. And I was like, can I just have a wife beater on? Do I have to be topless? Can I? And they had to go have a meeting. Like they're like, give me a sec, give us a sec.

And they came back like, we need you to take the shirt off. And I was like, all right, I get it, but you just want a fat guy taking his shirt off, walking down the street. I said, oh, that's funny that Bert, he doesn't share that body shame that anybody else in the world has. And when they had me in the cabin thing,

they were like, Jay and Bert will wear Speedos and wrestle with oil. Wrestle with cooking oil or something it was, or baby oil. And then I said to the director, I was like, I don't wanna do that. Just in a Speedo. I go out and I was like, I had another idea,

which we ended up doing, just concocting a different thing that I'll wrestle him in. And he was like, now, he goes, all right, he goes, Burt, come over here. He goes, Jay's got a bit of an issue. He goes, what could we do instead of the Speedos for the oil wrestling? And he goes, we could just use water.

And he's like, no, it's the speed it's like the speedos is the issue. He didn't even get the possibility that nobody else wants to be in a speedo. But yeah, that's like you know who's really good like that as far as it was Will Ferrell. Will Ferrell totally never worked out a day in his life. He's got that weird scar on his belly too. Yeah. Whatever appendix burns. And he didn't, you did you would see every you did give a shit from day one till they left the show speed up whatever I love that I love that that was so funny he didn't he would just be standing on the set rehearsal 50 guys moving stage hands he didn't give a band some new band.

Stavros too, the world does get over it. The world gets over it very, very quick. They don't care, but for some reason, I'll never not think, I'm like, as soon as my shirt's off, I'm going, everyone's looking and everyone hates it. But there's a certain fat guy that it looks all right on. Burt, for some reason, Stavros. No, he's conditioned you they've conditioned you

That's no better than you or I He's just rocking it so the confidence makes it look better almost you like fuck it dude, he's right who cares You saw me like that. Look at that bike. There's something better about that. There is? It's not bad. No, there's not. You're impressed with the confidence.

Look at that helmet. I love it. Look at that helmet and that bike. Because we look like we could get in shape again. He looks like it's never going to happen. With that bike, I should say. He did a calendar. I think he did a calendar.

I think he does a calendar right here. He actually, when I introduced him to Bailey J, he's like, can you please, can I do a calendar shoot? He got fully naked in her pool. God bless him. He's the greatest. I absolutely can't. But not even that, his hair is just the worst.

I know. He's been missing a tooth, I think, for three years. No, he got it fixed. He got it fixed. He did it for years. He had to go. But he got it fixed. It was insane.

His fans actually went against him. They were like, we like the tooth gone. Oh my god. Yeah, no, he's really funny. Yeah, god bless him. That's amazing. Yeah, well, for all I remember, some people just like that. Yeah, some people.

They just said they don't care. They don't care. Oh, I'll tell you what else. Who else? It doesn't give a shit. Who? And Joe, Joe DeRosa, but he's a weird in-between. He's insecure about it, but also he'll just be like,

oh, if we were in a pool, if we're just doing it. He's like, there's no, if we were to beach, unless I was going in the water, my tank top would, like a wife be, would be on the entire time until we get in the water. Joe's like, oh no, we're at a pool? Like, peel down. I'm like, no, but I don't take the tank tops.

As it's coming off, I'm already in diving motion to get in the water. I think Stavros is better topless than DeRosa. DeRosa is levels to him. You know what I mean? He's got chest hair that is just puzzling. It's one big rectangle of chest. It's like someone just laid a welcome mat on his body.

DeRosa naked when he did Cheat and he had to take his shirt off. I love the fact that he had lovely nipples, big nipples. His tits jiggled. He does have big nips. He's got big nips. He's got tits. Yeah, he's got nice tits. He's got little shoulders and then he fucking, he goes out like a who. He's got like the Grinch body.

You know what I mean? Definitely looks kind of European. I can see him in a Speedo pulling it off. Definitely a little European for sure. On a nice little French beach, Joe. Yeah, fat little tossey. Little baggy soft ass. Yeah.

For sure. Yeah, I don't have any of that. Burt did it this year. Yeah, Burt doesn't give a goddamn. Me, Soder, and DeRosa having a sidebar text off of the Fully Loaded Tour. They got everybody on a text thread. And one of the things that came in was like,

we need everybody singing the national anthem topless. Oh, topless. So it's like everyone, just do me a favor, send a video. Burt definitely thought that was an order that like by that night, pretty much everybody would have it done. And what happened was nobody really was even responding because everyone was just like, fuck,

nobody wants to do this. And he goes, and then he does the, I mean, I didn't say anything, but before he started giving like the, they're like, oh, and also Burt said, you can do it shoulders up if you don't want you know for girls or whatever if you if you're a guy doesn't want to do it like just From the shoulders up even would be great Then you go might as well wear a fucking t-shirt in a pool because then everyone goes

Why is that guy only shoulders up because he doesn't want to show his tits you got to do it or don't right? So we we concocted in our green screen We want the green screen so me DeRosa and Dan all did a green screen in lieu of sending I Don't I don't want to? Burst up asking me to be shirtless in front of people right right I know some part of him thinks he's helping us conk You know what I would feel better about it if I thought he was helping me conquer something He's not he just can't wrap his brain around the concept That's right that everybody in this room right now for the fun of joke of it wouldn't just peel down to helping me conquer something. He's not. He just can't wrap his brain around the concept

that everybody in this room right now, for the fun of joke of it, wouldn't just peel down to baby underwear. He doesn't understand. He goes, why won't you? Why won't? You can't understand that we have jokes. We actually have.

It's more than that. It's just I don't want to, I hate it. Stavros got a horse. Oh my God, he's the greatest. Stavros is the best. Stavri Baby's the best, man. Heavros got a horse. Oh my god, he's the greatest. Stavros is the best. Stavvy Baby's the best, man. He doesn't give a shit. He doesn't care.

And I love that. On the foil tour last year, it was the summer of velour sweatsuits unzipped down the middle. Like, could you do it, dude? Stavros, I toured with him. He gets chicks. Of course. Yeah.

He came back one night with his knees were all grass stained. I'm like, where were you? We were in Vermont, Burlington, Vermont. He fucked a chick by like a cannon on a grassy knoll. Oh. He just hooked up with a chick. And he got on top, impressive. Landmark.

He had grass on his knees. I blew a guy by a cannon. What, you guys are forgetting about your buddy Ari Ari Shafir is naked for no reason. Yeah, sons out. Well, it's not it's not no reason Guys got a heavy bag and it's and a swinging softy Yeah, he's got a hammer. So of course. Yeah, of course. We went camping in the woods. I was peeing in the morning I just I and all of a sudden I hear another flow next to me. He was completely naked.

Completely naked, standing a foot away from me. Shoot with his hog. Huge dick people don't understand other people's thing. Kevin Hart, man, we were young, young. Kevin Hart, we did a black college somewhere and we hung out with these girls afterwards. I love that he went young, young so he didn't wanna fuckin' get Kevin in trouble. Well, I don't know if I've seen him since he's been married to this girl

We were really young No, this was we were still like a black college. We were performing at I was went with him and We brought these girls back to the place and he tells me in my ear He was like we're playing truth or dare and he goes damn me to pull my dick out And I was like, all right, Kev I dare you to pull your dick out and he does and the girls were like whoa wow you know he's five foot three with his monster cock right and then he didn't we didn't have any conversation but as he goes he goes all right jay shit man i mean i dare you to pull your dick out and i was like whoa i was like buddy he's like the black house. He's like it's a different or

He could he was he could understand he's like we don't go calf dude You're half my third my size and you just pulled out a dick that touches your nipples and your knees Like depending which way you put it. I go. I can't I can't and he was like he's all right, and then he goes, I dare you to go in the bathroom with one of the girls, and then we just sat in there and looked at each other for a minute and then came out. Do we have to take a break? Aw.

We gotta take a break. Colin Quinn's got a new special. It's hilarious. I gave you my review. Thank you. One of the funniest specials. It's done in front of a whole room of therapists at a therapist convention.

It's on YouTube right now. Our time is up. It was a symposium. That too. Jay, you didn't see it. Don't be adding two cents or something. You don't know about it. It was a symposium.

I don't want people going looking at a convention and realizing you were performing at a symposium. I suppose. Well, I wouldn't know the difference. What's the difference between a convention and convention symposium Colin Quinn's new special our time is up streaming right now on YouTube everyone