The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Crazy Ex-Wives with Tom Arnold

Episode Date: October 16, 2025

Legendary comic actor Tom Arnold returns to stand-up comedy and visits the Bonfire for the first time. Tom is not shy talking about his many marriages and turbulent life with Roseanne. He has stories about getting stabbed, being an older father, and a wild psychic prediction. Tom openly talks about his sober journey and once hunted down his childhood abuser to confront him in public. Tom Arnold's "My Crazy X-Wife Tour" is happening now! For dates go to Tomarnoldcomedy.com! *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And now, the Bonfire with Big J. O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. We have an amazing guest joining us on the show, right out of the gates today. Rare, rare for us. He's currently on his My Crazy Ex-wife comedy tour with dates in New York and so many more. It is the legend, the hilarious. Tom Arnold. I'm glad you put legend. I was going to say legend.

Guys, I'm 66 and a half. We celebrate. I have a single dad by kids are 12 at night. We celebrate half birthdays. And, you know, when you're older, it's a good. thing to be there's no age that's whatever how old we are we're today old it's it one day at a time baby you know what it sounds up when i listen to you guys like there's a lot of people here there's a fucking lot of people here there's a lot of people it's a lot of people it's a whole

i i can't believe that you have yeah such young children at 66 years old it really kills my argument whenever christine brings up children any kind of way in her life i'm like we're way past that yeah how old is Christine, might I ask. Christine, how old are you? Jesus, is she your girlfriend? Yeah, yeah. Holy shit.

Oh my God, I have to rethink everything. We work together. Does that go bad? You're not too. You're not too old. I'm going to tell you right now. You got to tell you right now, but I had... Me and my chick work together. Is that a bad idea, you think? Has she stabbed you yet? Because she will. No, it's a guarantee. It is a guarantee. Wait, wait. Did you really get stabbed?

I did. I did. Like how stabbed? Like a little stab? Well, pretty good, but this is a good. part of the body. You want to get stabbed here. You get stabbed here all day. Here, you get close to the heart. So, she was kind of enough not to do that. The only reason she didn't stab me in the heart is because I had a tattoo of her fucking face from my nipple to my collarbone. She's like, I don't want to fuck out that beautiful tattoo. I'm going to stab him here. And it's not a big deal. Every, I'm sure there's other men in this room that have been stabbed. No. Not yet.

Give it time, man. Give it. Oh, yeah. DJ Lewis probably had, at least he's been on the brink of being stabbed if he hasn't been stabbed. He's been with a Puerto Rican. Yeah, so, I mean, that's, that's the way. Yeah, it depends on where they stab you. Because Puerto Rican women, they might do some cutting. Yeah, they take you up ear to ear. They've been known to take dicks off and throw them away.

Yeah, but that fucker found, they found, the cops found it. They reattached it, and then he was a port star. That's amazing. For one movie. One movie. Still, that's a dream. What a negative. For one movie, yeah.

They found his dick in grass. Yeah. put it back on and then he became a porn star that's pretty epic no but not a porn star he was in that one film which and for that reason i mean he had sex with the two maybe three women in that yeah and then that was it for his uh porn career then he probably got some novelty ass floating around because girls want to see it but at the end of the day not worth having your penis cut off and reattached no i would like to if he was here i'd say you gotta show me that fucker oh yeah you know i'll look at any penis we had um uh what's um come on the punisher the punisher in here

who was the guy who P. Diddy would pay to have sex with his girl in front of him. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Yeah, that guy. He has the pump in his penis. He had the, like, inside? Where it's in his balls, the pump, and he pumped it up for us and showed us in the room. And I didn't take my eyes away for one second. Oh, my God. I'm a straight, man. Straight as an arrow. Oh, that's a freak show. You got to check it out.

Yes. Let me say this. I was honest, I had a sport show, which I love doing. Best Ed Sports Show, period. And if you have a show or you have to, and with the audience watch you get, they got to think you're buddies or they are married or whatever. So you got bought very quickly. Yeah. So John Sally was our basketball guy.

And I heard a rumor that he had a big dick for a seven foot tall guy, which if you had a scale dick for a seven foot tall, that's pretty big, right? So right before we started filming the first show, I went down to his dresser, it would go, Sal, man, I heard a rumor that you had a big tick for a seven foot tall guy. And he goes, that is true. I go, well, I got to see the fucker, and it's like, it had an elbow. I shit you not. Like, there's, you know, but that's how we bonded, man.

I do. It is strange to be a straight man and marvel at another man's size. Well, I don't like seeing him in my porn, of course. Really? Never. Wow. Never. I'm with Tom.

I don't want to, I see a big dick. I'm out. Yeah, there is a Twitter, or acts, whatever, there's a person on there that puts out the best lesbian port and it's free and they're little vignettes you know it's something if you don't like that way you swipe up and then you get what you need and uh you know when you're again a single dad of a 12 year old nine year old you you know it's something to you kind of first of all you have to leave go hide in the back bathroom yeah sure it's got to be asleep get your set up get your iPad get your clean up stuff your astroglide and it's not something you can do every day

no i jerked off in my sauna the other day you did yeah that's in the garage that's manly because it's hot yeah jesus it's gonna dry immediately no not mine how often do you jerk off that you got that smoking a girlfriend do you ever do you ever oh yeah yeah yeah three times a week well to keep yourself so when you are with your spoken out girlfriend you don't like come really quick you got to keep it down and i tell these kids these young people to go out and get to fights they say jerk off before you go out to party it'll slow you down man you won't do this crazy shit. Jacob can't.

He's a proud boy. The proud boys aren't allowed to masturbate. I don't know if you tell by his size and color. He's a chapter leader. Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. He's willing for work purposes to work with a black man and whatever Paco is. Well, so the kind of guests you have are usually like the P. Diddy guy.

No. No, no. It's all over the place. I've listened, I'm very, it's 103, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm very familiar with what you guys do. I've had, uh, Cindy Lauper walk out on me. It's been a point of contention lately.

Yeah. Everybody turned on Cindy Lauper yesterday. Well, I mean, he thinks she's fucking gorgeous now. She's very talented. There you go. Her fucking voice is very talented. And by the way, I agree with you. Still adorable.

I agree with you. Hey, Jane Fonda is fucking, you'd fuck her, right? Now? She's like 90. Yes. No. I saw her recently. I'm like, yeah, I would, yeah.

You know. Dolly part. sick so she's out for now but there's some older women i have to tell you man you know jane fonda yeah no doubt you know what i'd take that back yeah i'd throw it to her yeah and she's my i don't want to i would injure her because i'm so big and she's a tiny little woman but she's also you know like one of my heroes you know what that's great you know what's funny i was at the kids pediatrician and a woman came up to me and said hi it's uh jane's daughter who i remember said i have tell you why i'm out in la my mom uh flew me out so we she wants to do more mother-daughter

therapy and we just had a nine-hour session because she wants to know how to be a better mother when you're 87 would your mom or dad do that no they'd be like fuck it you know last time i fought with my mom was 15 years ago screaming on the phone and at one point she leaned in and she went bobby when are you going to realize i'm never going to change i don't think she didn't want you She told me that when I was three She used to whisper that in my ear She used to throw me up Someday some lady's going to come to the door

And go oh, Mrs. Kelly, you have a wrong baby That's funny, that's right You and Tom are brothers in sobriety But Bobby didn't get to have any of the fun years He had to find sobriety at 15 And his thing is, because he went so hard From eight 10 to 10 to 15

But the thing is you didn't really get to You didn't really get to to have fun and fuck up on it. I got molested. I had all the fun things. Did you go find the guy like I did? I found him. Yeah, I found him on Grindr.

We had a good time. I went, I tracked him down. You what? My guy was a, and my mother is an alcoholic. She was a sloppy fucking parent. She left when I was forth, thank God. But she hooked me up with this man babysitter in our neighborhood who did those things to me. And he would say my dad would pull up and he had a gun on his, he was up a little bit higher

or else he's like you know how easy it be for me to kill your dad and so my dad's all had all we had so i'm like okay uh but then when i became an adult when i got sober clear i was like i got to find this guy because i don't want to be at walmart and have that guy in my hometown of a tumuile had that guy behind me like see the famous guy i fucked him i'm like i'm gonna get on top of this shit right so i trapped my brothers i have four-year-old brothers they tracked him down in Des Moines the big city he's a big church leader big successful business is bad so i practice what i was going to do is because you don't want to hurt kill somebody then you're in trouble too yeah practice it out with my therapist what i'm going to say i go up to his

office the reception it sees me she's like oh my god it's top arlington go yeah i'm here to see terry oh i'll call him don't call him please and so i started walking out the hall and he came out his office and kind of this high noon thing and i start my feel i'm here to give you back the painted and you cause he's a kid he tried to do that to me now and he walked right to me he's a big dude and stuck his finger in my chest he goes, your memories are wrong. And so I know he's been confirmed before. For a second, I felt like I swore.

I could smell the laundry in his backyard. I can feel the wood in that thing he put me in. But then I went, fuck, I'm not for him. I'm a big man. So I grabbed his hand, bent it back. And I said, if you try to do that, you know, and break your fucking deck. And everybody who worked for him saw it.

Wow. Because, you know, it's Iowa. I'm Tom Arles, Iowa. So I went out. I felt like a ton of shit off my shoulders like you're supposed to feel. that right to the state capital, walked right in. It was Terry Bradstead.

He was a Republican, but that's when they were good. Anyway, I walked right in his last go, Terry, it's past the statute of limitations. Cops can't help me. This guy's about to adopt his fourth son. You need to stop it. And he's like, oh, my God, that's a federal offense. You asking me as a federal offense. Wow.

You were never here. And so I was disappointed. Yeah. But then five days later, my brother called him said, the adoption fell through. And he couldn't do it. So then I'm like, have I done everything? So I had my brother, my farm head, go up six blocks around his house, kid I, his face, his name, his crimes, and then just keep replacing those. And then I went on Oprah, and they're like, you want to have a pseudonym for that guy.

I go, yeah, of course. And I said, Terry Williams, I said it right down the pipe. And then in my sister's drug trial, or first one, a woman came up and said, I know that who you're talking about. because he did it to my husband, who is his brother. Wow. And then 30 other kids came forward. Wow. I'm going to call my sister right now and give her a thing of two.

I'm really happy at the end. It did come down to you wanting to help other kids too because it was hilarious in the beginning. You go, and this guy's walking around town. Yeah. I don't want him thinking, I fucked Tom Arnold. Don't tell people you fuck Tom Arnold. Nobody wants to admit to that anyway.

That is the dice are rolling when you fuck a kid that they might, they might become famous. Yes. Yes, they might, you know. But Tom was saying he just wanted the guy to have the pleasure of being able to walk around town. But you guys know Tom Arnold is? Yeah. Fuck that guy.

Yeah, I didn't want to bet. That was my motivation, number one. It was too much leverage. That would suck if we got T-shirts made. Yeah, yeah. And then you have to go around going. I would sell those after my show. That was before I was famous.

I definitely wouldn't fuck that guy now. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's a good thing. You know, you'd be it sober since your 15 is pretty good. I know a lot of kids say. Got sober, and then fucked up, and they died. Because once you start using drugs at that age, man, you know, it's, you know, and so that's inspiring.

I can't believe all through the years of comedy you did that you didn't have one even, let me see if I could smoke weed. Well, can I just say this. Let me see if I can, like, almost like the smaller things like that, have a drink or two. I did go to sex. I was a fiend for a long time. A lot of past tense talk there, Bobby. I don't do it anymore. I'm off sex and onto zins and pocketbooks.

And male purses. I love male purses. Listen, if I could have just spoke pot, I'd be spoken pot. I tried it, it wasn't. It had to be more and, you know, cocaine and then booze. And then 19 years sober, I got very cocky with my program. Sponsored these young guys or opioid hero guys. And I'm like, I don't get that, guys.

I would never like that. and I broke my back on PCH on a motorcycle. The ambulance came, the guy gets out, are you paid? I go, yes, and he gave me a shot of fentanyl. And I went, oh, shit, that's what I've been looking for in my whole life. So the next year, you know how we get cakes at our birthday by 20 year. I'm sitting there, like, and I realize I'm not sober. I am still on pain medication from a year ago.

Right. So I got to start over. So anything is possible with me. He just got his year last week. Good deal. I tell you what, you get a fucking year. That's a deal. A lot of times, you know, guys.

You got to get 30 days. and then it'll get 30 days and go really it's 60 days and it's 90 to get the 90 day chip but you get a year that's a real deal yeah that's pretty great yeah it's uh yeah it's weird

you wouldn't let me buy him a congratulatory gift until you hit a year I would not no that's the jinks yeah you don't want to do that then fucking a week before age goes out that would suck

I didn't do they go hey I know it's not a year exactly yet but I just want you to know I bought you this and you're still a loser nothing's changed in my heart driving right back. I had my first

sobriety date tattooed on me which was very fucking stupid which was like that I had to have that removed along with Roseanne's tattoos it hurts but it was worth it yeah her face you got her off

yeah I took a year and a half yeah are you friends now? Just removing no we're not fucking friends are you kidding me I thought you laser it's gone too look at that one

I mean star David I don't know they're funny if you had Cher on the other side yeah I like no I thought there was a point where you became friends again. No. First of all, let me say, I saw her once in the last 30.

They got you on the roast. I roasted her. That's it. And I had seen it at 18 years. That's the perfect scenario. You go, she begs you to roast her. You roast her. They pay you.

And then you leave. And then at 18 more years, maybe you go roast each other again. Right. That's really, I got my men friends that are like, I'm still best friends with my ex. And they've got somebody else. I go, that's some shady fucking shit. Don't say that out loud because that's shady. Right.

You know, if you have kids of somebody, you have to have some sort of thing, but you can't be best friends that you've got to do, no. Roseanne's hit a wonderful level of not give a shit at all. She's just angry. We had her on Leachman's Scank's out of Skangfest last year. Yeah. Was that last year? Two years ago.

Or two years ago. Yeah, yeah. Violent Jay. Yeah, with Violent Jay from the insane clown posse and Rosalie was our panel. It was pretty goddamn hilarious. She was crazy than Violent J. She was crazier than Violent J. Yeah, absolutely.

I'm sure. And then she, now she, and it's funny because Dave, you know, Dave does all the politics stuff. She, I don't know if she even makes the correlation, though, of what one was to the other. Yeah. But she went at Dave Smith for politics stuff. Oh, yeah. Pretty hard online. And then Dave even kind of wrote back like, oh, I love you still.

He's just like, he can't get past. He's like, is that Roseanne from TV? Like, getting mad at me? It's like, it's hard to separate where they're having a political debate. He's like, oh, no, I don't want a political debate with you. You're Roseanne. He's a pretty smart political. debate her. Dave, yeah, Dave goes hard. Yeah, he knows big words. He does. I mean, he says

shit and I'm like, what the fuck is that? It's like if you've got to have one Christian friend that knows the Bible to throw in other people's face, other, they're like, according to the Bible, I could kill everybody here. Well, according to actually, like I've never read the Bible over in Torah, but it's good to have somebody smart that way. Now, you, you're single now. I am, I am, I have four ex-wives, two little kids. Would you do it again? Well, Here's the thing. You can have three ex-wives and still kind of go, women. Right, buddy, women?

If you have four ex-wives, you go, holy shit, it's me. And it is me. So I've had a date in eight years. When I do it again, you know, the tour is called my crazy ex-wife tour. Everybody's like, I know which ex-wife, Roseanne. And I'm like, she's not even close to my craziest ex-wife. We didn't have kids together. You know, the worst thing she did, I guess, was host Saturday Night Live,

is a top-hour-old has a three-inch penis, which is confidential. I'll take that shit to the gray woman. If we ever had anything, please don't say this public. Can I say something real quick? Like I wanted to see the big one. I'd love to see this little one.

Yeah, yeah. It's in the middle somewhere. Well, but when she said it, I'm like, you know, even a 747 looks small when it flies over the Grand Canyon. It's all your perspective. But then I had kids, my fourth ex-wife and usually you have kids with so many you hate them like fuck it i love the kids

more than i hate you i have a 12 year old too yeah it's exhausting yeah it's the best thing of the world it is the best thing of the world but it's fucking you know what i mean i miss the days where i used to sleep till three yeah now i have to wake up he'll wake me up get up and i'm just like oh no they do that they don't want you sleeping i don't want you sleeping it's like my wife doesn't want me sleeping yeah she'll tap me on the face with something good nobody wants me taking naps at all Well, they might think you're dying. That is true. My 9-year-old daughter, I'm so grateful I have a daughter, my son just 12.

She will do a thing. Once in a while I get back in my bed, lay up my bed with my iPad to catch up on life. And as soon as I lay down, she's very brave. She's a gymnast. I all said to hear, trust fall back on the couch. I'm like, what the fuck is she saying? Trust fall back on the couch. I'm like, trust fall.

Fuck. And I jump up, which you don't want to do when you're my age. I take a knee. Every time she just falls backwards, she knows I'm going to catch her. And the last time I caught her right down here, which is not great for the fact. But, you know, and I feel like I'm an older dad. These kids deserve everything. I had to get down with my son.

We were fishing. And he goes, let's just sit down. And I had to get down. And I got down like a baby elephant. I had to go one knee and then the other knee. And then just plop on my fucking ass bone. And he's like, you're all right? I'm like, I'm fine.

Relax. It's good to sit down, though. my daughter i have i have never said no to her daddy we play with me yes i don't say what are we going to play and she's like uh squish mellows i go let's play okay what it you know squish mellows is stuff easy she has but she dumps on the floor i go how do we play honey we sit on the floor she tells me okay i'm in there nice can we lay down

can i lay down like i do with my son and play football and break the house up but you know i will be a much better date if i ever have another one because of my daughter because I'm so freaking patient I did not know I was this patient I do stuff I don't want to do and I end up loving it like switch wheels

like if a woman asked me hey do you want to hike Runyon Canyon I'd be like no do that with your friends like that would be my and now maybe I'll try to hike running Canyon it's the worst thing in L.A. when I live there

is that everybody's like we're doing Runyon I was like fuck me yeah I've done it what you do once those fucking stairs going up and then you always you there's somebody famous always i was going up matthew mccani who was

running backwards down shirtless i was like fuck this of course fucking bongos can we just go to kuisnos yeah no shit you know it's funny uh experiencing like the being a father now do you wish a party i wish you had kids younger at all no i think this is the exact right time when i was 18 after high school i worked for three years at a meatpacking plant on the kill floor to say money so I go to college because I'm like if I get up to the University of Iowa they have a stage I'll be famous in two weeks I thought how it works but my when I was 18 my 17 year old girlfriend who was still in high school told me she's pregnant and I'm like okay that's it man that's how they that's how these fuckers are okay working here they got families so I go down I

lived in a tummo I was small southeast Iowa I had to go to Memphis Missouri where her dad who was like a six six a farmer who hated me already. So I had to go to a, sir, I'd like to ask for Tammy's hand in marriage. We're having a baby. And he, you know, he wanted to kill me. What's you going to do? Then I found that she was lying so relieved. I go, I got a second chance, man. Because my parents were 18 to 16. She said you up to have to go talk to the father for nothing. Yeah, she fucking did. She was lying. She just wanted to get you killed by her father. She did. She knew how to break up. Wasn't that the B plot in Greece? Yeah. Yeah. Rizzo. Yeah. Yeah.

You were dating a young Rizzo. I got a, I did a movie that would. She's great. I did a stucker channing. Yeah. I did all of my fathering through my 20s. Yeah. My daughter just turned 23.

Yeah, you do it early. You either have the early and then you enjoy your 40s and 50s or you do what we did. And then you're just lying on a floor. Yeah. But this is what it's meant to be for me. But there's different approaches to it, too. My daughter says before, she has every recollection of us being broke. of us figuring it out

and kind of hopefully has like an appreciation for those things but there is something because you know you Dave and Lewis are all have young children and are you know we're all around the same era of age and it's much easier

I don't see them stressed out as much because like they can handle shit I wish they had that you know what I mean because I just found a lacrosse stick 850 to lacrosse stick in the mud in the backyard and I want to I didn't even know what lacrosse was

I was so poor Yeah You know what is it I told him before My mom She goes go in the backyard and play I go with what She handed me a spoon

Oh yeah A big spoon or a little spoon It was a big one Okay then you did a lot of damage I did a lot of it became a spoon Spoon yeah That's my friend's spoon Yeah

Bobby's friend spoon I think when you're older By you don't take I think at your 20s Did you have a wife too Like a backup You have a wife Right I have a wife

That lives with you Yeah we're married for 18 That helps. You got a little bit of backup. Oh, yeah, that helps. But when you're, it's great because I started a 54 with the kids because I don't take anything for granted. Like, who knows, tomorrow?

You know, I've had some health issue. The mom, but I will say, I ask my daughter, hey, remember what went to Hawaii? She goes, no. But I remember when mom swatted us. She remembers that vividly when your mom called the police. They swatted us. You know, they kind of choose. They don't like to remember the good things.

She remembers when Santa apparently fell asleep and didn't eat his cookie. or drank the milk or the raybeard didn't eat the baby carrots, which happened this year. Because Santa was fucking tired, man. There he was up. And forgot to take bites out of the goddamn cookies. So she remembers that. I'm interested, I've got to say,

for a father to get full custody to be a single father, and that single father is Tom Arnold with Tom Arnold's history. Here's my thing. Ooh, fuck. I got to do a Wikipedia dive on the sex wife. Well, let me tell you, I'll tell you, when I met her, I met her to passover sater with only two single Jews there. The woman said, oh, you guys got to meet. And I looked there and I'm like, she's bad shit crazy, but there's something about her.

She's tenacious. She's like, I want to have children. I didn't go, why, I don't care. She's like a terminate. She's going to do whatever it takes. And that's really what happened. Like she was, you know, that. So that's all I, you know, I was so grateful, had my son.

and you know there was no sex I did it was from IVF which was and so very I tried 23 IVFs with my first three wives and God bless it for trying because that's a you know thank you I wish I had that money back but this one I said we're not doing IVF because sometimes it goes good and then it doesn't I don't want to you know put pressure on you you got to take the horrible shots like I'm doing IVF you I don't hold the baggage your past against you why are you holding it against me? So I'm like, shit. So we do IVF three times. That's the 23.

We go down the fertility guide, Dr. Richard Mars at Santa Monica, very kind of a genius. He invented Ixie. We take a needle the size of one, pull out one sperm, and then they stick it into the egg. So I'm closing up shot at 23 times. We're going to adopt or get a sperm donor. I was always up for the sperm donor because there's a documentary series

about my little sister called the Queen of Meth. And my little sister was the biggest drug dealer in America. And people are like, was it embarrassing having your sister be a drug dealer? And I was like, no, when I was doing drugs, it wasn't fucking embarrassing. It was very good. Even now it's pretty dope. Yeah, you get an idea of what my childhood was like, not ideal. So we're saying goodbye to the doc.

And Shaquillo O'Dill was my next door neighbor, an old time for the Lakers. And that dude, he's a great guy, makes beautiful children. And I'd be out there. We lived on a coal sack. I'd see Shaq out there with these kids. And when I grow up at a farm in Iowa, if you want to borrow a cup of sugar for your neighbor, you take a cup over.

Hey, neighbor, can have a cup of sugar? Sure, thank, Tom. Here you go. And I had those little cups for the fertility clinic. And I'd look at Shaq. I'm like, I'd have fucking sack up and get a cup of shack over here. He just wakes up next to his pool and Tom is just jerking them off. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'd do that. I would do that. Oh, no, not this again. But so we go in there to kind of close up by 25 or 30-year account. And I say, Doc, you've done everything. humanely possible. She certainly has and I noticed she's crying and I'm like God damn it. You know when your wife cries

you're like fuck did I do that. Even if I didn't, I've got to fix it. Otherwise I'll never be able to watch sports. I mean it's going to be a whole thing. So I said I got nervous. I said Doc, you know what? She's done everything when science catches up and there's something you can do on a man. I'm going to be back in here and he's like well Tom

there is something I'd like to try to man. I go okay what is it because let's think about split your scrotum open, taking your testicles out of there, taking a needle right in your testicle in case it's your tubing that's a problem and I'm like okay fuck her run that shit by me to fuck at all you saw me showbo for my old lady

just out we have to have a completely wasted worthless surgery to prove I'm in it as much as she is and she's like we do that for us honey I'm like you got a damn right because as you know surgery is also a snow day if you're sober because before they cut your nuts they're like and now we're going to give you something

to relax you and you're like you fucking right you are man give me it all but that they all just got they found one sperm they put it with one her eggs and then nine months later my son was bored oh that's great yeah now i'm gonna try and beat because i don't want to keep you guys all day my okay so we're broke up we're nowhere near we're no and she calls what he tautner henry hollywood media wants to do his show and i want to get a psychic reading she does a lot of psychic greed no therapy and i'm always looking for that moment of grace for her when she stops the cop stuff and you know a judge

wrote a court order you could read it it's public record it says you cannot call the police for her under any circumstance for any reason anymore because she was calling them so much on me and the kids so uh so she's like i go what is a medium she's like he talks to dead people i go does he on tv okay i'll do that for you and tyler do who tyler is yeah like i was very skeptical but he's like a legitimate guy so he comes to the house he does this right we do walks to my house your mother is here and she's sorry which you can say to anybody's fucking house oh my god thank you but he obviously did know my mother but at the end he does the psyche stuff and this is on camera you know reality tvs can be very much but this happened he scratch he does

a legal pad he goes do you have any psychic questions i go yes Tyler are she and i that lady way the fuck over there are we going to have any more kids and i know it's physiologically impossible he goes yes and i'm like okay i'm going to put my boot on his deck now Tyler is going to be a boy or a girl And he goes, a girl And I look at her She's even kind of He's full of shit

Like just, she's never agreed to me About anything So I walk him out of very nice I go up to her Okay well buddy You know She's got a lot of long wingspan She's six

She's a small woman She's a kicker So three days later She is She's fucking kicker That's why I single mom friends Because your kids need to see Someone being nice to you

Otherwise they'll think All women want to fucking kick you And punch you and call the cops and thread you. So three days later, I'm in my office. I get a call from a cryo bank in Long Beach, California. They're like, you owe us $2,700. We can't find your new business manager.

I go, why do I owe you $2,700? We have a frozen embryo from six years ago down here. And my ex, to her credit, I don't care what her motivation is. Gets in a truck, 100 miles an hour down there. They shoot that in a little ice cube up for hoo-ha. And nine months later, my daughter was born. How crazy is that? I think that this medium kid.

told you that, ran down the sperm bank, donated his own sperm, told him to call you, this is the long grift. It's the long game he played. You need to see if your daughter can talk to the spirits. Yeah, that's a good idea. Well, Rosanna and I went to, because sperm banks, I'll tell you about the guy. And I'd pick out a guy like he's six, seven, maybe junior high education. And then Rosanna would go for these short little guys who went to Harvard.

We could never decide on what we wanted to do. But I think was like, let's just get a giant kid over here. Yeah, get a giant kid. That's a nice thing. It's so funny that your relationship with Roseanne is, it's demonized in so many ways, obviously. But it looked like for a minute you guys were having a fucking blast. Oh, we had a lot of fun. Like you guys were really bonnie and climbing and climbing because everybody turned on you.

And you guys were like, fuck you. It was like such a fun thing to be a bar. Especially when you know now that you've come out on the other side. Yeah. Well, we met when I was 23. I lived in Midwest. I started doing comedy in Minneapolis. They had clubs up there.

and the club owner's like i bet i saw a woman in denver you know she wasn't famous yet but he said she's awesome you guys will hit it off she's coming in next week do you guys do the show and she was so such a great fucking comedian like i'd never seen anything like it she was so different than me too you know she was older she had a family but but she was a super liberal uh you know feminist all that stuff and i just come from a meatpack and plant and so she liked that because I would defend her, but we worked together that we borrowed the MC's car, Liz Winstead. Do you know who she has? Sure.

Yeah. Ask her about this. We're like, we didn't have car. Liz, can we party a car? We never came back. Like a week later, she's looking for her. We went out partying so fucking hard. And then we would get together over three months ago, do shows somewhere.

I started writing your jokes for Johnny Carson. What a great honor to see you. So we do your joke that you wrote on Johnny Carson. Yeah. So we partied a lot. Then it came time. She had an HBO special Wanted me to play her dream husband

So I went out to L.A. did it. Then she got the show. She goes, first you want to be the husband on Roseanne? And I'm like, I don't know if I'm qualified for that. I'll just write. Right. You know, so that's why I went out there to write. I brought my fiancé from Minneapolis.

I either have a lot of fiancés or wives. And I had no idea that Roseanne liked me. And the second year of the show, fiancé left, of course. And she's like, hey, nobody likes either one of us. we should get married and I'm like that's solid that is solid but we had fun you can see videos of when I was like 28 fighting because she'd be like my mullet my fucking bullet

she'd be like get that guy did I do it get arrested just all kinds of stupid shit but it's funny to watch now but yeah that there was it was very good for Wabi we really were the only people that liked each other genuinely and you caused a lot of trouble back then you had a lot of power if we called the news they'd put us live on the news what's i was saying she was all do you think was she running from something was she trying to like you know because again i wonder like did she like kind of locked down her life younger and then started to get money and success and was like wanted to go wild a little bit well she definitely locked out her life earlier and if you read her book

there's her husband uh cheated on her and came home and said it was sitting on the shitter and said i cheated on you because you're fat and she lost 100 pounds immediately and went cheated with every fucking dude she could just about it she's playing a long game man pardon me one second christine i'm seeing other women because you're fat oh no can you imagine anybody man say that to anyone

you know i like big you know i like it what yeah my wife was the bottom of the pyramid on the cheerleaders christine was a flag girl yeah yeah christine you look great i'm teasing you we had a lot of i mean i remember she's like oh my god we're in the national choir well because we'd

Reddit growing up. We're like, oh, shit, this is great. Well, what are, we can be there every week. Let's get in there. We can control that. Let's do crazy shit. And then eventually you can't control it because they want something back. And I think that we, we had a great time, but then we started focusing more on what's out here instead of what our home.

And so we were married four and a half years. It was like 45, though. I can't tell people how long we buried. Then we went through that weird area at the end where I was waiting for. for her to file for divorce, out of respect. She was waiting for me, and that's a gray area where you both decided not to be buried anymore.

And that's what funky shit could happen because you get that gray area. And then I was like, I wanted her to have a boyfriend or her husband because then I know I won't go back with her. And I'd hired this bodyguard band, Thomas, who worked at a Dota shop. I sent it to Mossad Bodyguard School.

He was the same. And so we were, she'd filed for divorce some very public said all kinds of horrible things about me then she immediately took him back publicly and said her lawyer did it so but once i saw that i'm like i'm going to tread a little lightly on this shit and she we're supposed to go to sardinia for the summer and we had this place rented up above you know beautiful overlooking the ocean or whatever and i hadn't finished my show i said i'll meet you there i'm going to do another week on the tom show or tom or whatever

fuck it's called and so i got a call for the national choir guy who by now is our friend he said she's walking around Rome with bed holding heads and I'm like I got to see that I got to see it so my brother and I we fly over there just fly to Rome yeah we landed in Rome we get one off-duty cop with a gun because Sardidia is the wild west back then we're like we're to go to our place and Sardidia relaxed a little bit then I'll try to figure out how to talk to her and see and as soon as we land three cars full of guys with Uzi's surround us and said she wants to see you And so, like, fuck, I guess they're going up there. What, did she become the queen of that place?

Yes. She became the Empress of Sardinia? Yes. So we go up there, and it's over, and the, thank God, the National Choir guy, I was there with a telephone lens, because if I had gotten murdered, then he could have. But we go up there, and I walk up there, I said, are you fucking bed? And she looked down and said, no, and I knew she was. And I swear to God, I was so relieved.

So then I go walk, there's bad, big fucking bed. And I'm like, I got to fucking put a move on. this guy like he was genuinely scared of me he thought this so i did that got that we get back down our uh my bodyguard who is he says women do not do that in our culture you know i could do something to them for a hundred thousand dollars he we would arrest him when he comes back to roma the way back to the u.s we planned drugs on him he would never get out of prison i'm like no no don't do that because i don't go back with her piece of brother who's you know pretty crazy He says, he pulls out $10,000, what will you do for this?

So when they went back and, you know, they take pictures, stuff, and eight cops, I said, don't touch her. You know, do whatever you want to. But fuck Ben. Yeah, fuck Ben. They show these cops all of a sudden with cop, like it's in front of everybody, tackle them, taking the back, full body cavity search. They missed their flight. And I'm like, that is, I'm sure it's illegal, but that was satisfied. You know, like, that's not too much.

Do they still do that? Because I would like to have that done to a couple people. When he came home, he was like, how was Sardine? He was like, fuck Roseanne. Like anything else? No, no, nothing of mention. I'm getting that word that Tom's going to get out of here. Oh, shit.

Yeah. Well, I've had so much fun with you guys. Yeah, come back in next time. Oh, yeah. Come back on for the show. Hey, I'm a big fan of the show. 103. You know, 107 is dateline.

Yeah. And if you're right, there's a lot of dateline fucking shit going down. I could listen to true crime as well. Yeah, a lot of women that poisoned her husband were so easy to kill. all you got to do is poison our food little by little we'll keep eating it even though we know it's fucked up we don't want to hurt your feelings you made it for us

I know and it takes about three days of anti-freezes that you're like okay yeah I'm like this tastes like soap yeah but I'm gonna eat it you know I'm not gonna hurt feelings Tom Arnold is currently on tour with my crazy ex-wife tour it's all over the place

he's gonna be October 8th Rodney's right here in New York he's going to Governor's October 9th and then he's going to on governors in Belmore and then he's going October 10th Uncle Vinnie's and He's going to do Point Pleasant Comedy Club. On the New York area.

She wrote it all weird. Anyway, it's all fucked up. It was kind of weird. It's weird. Anyway, he's around New York right now and Jersey. Go see him right now. These are really great comedy clubs. And enjoy yourself, buddy.

Thank you, buddy. Thank you. This is my meeting today. There's two of us here. Oh, good. Three. Actually, three. Oh, yeah.

That's right. One year. A week ago, he wasn't. A week ago. Christine. Christine. Christine. Christine.

Oh, she's. What? What? What? I said, can we break so we can take a pick. Oh, my God, yes. We're going to break and take a picture. I hate hand gestures.

I know. What does that mean? We'll be right back. Okay.