The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Crossing Lines

Episode Date: August 3, 2020

Whether it was pure misunderstanding or something much darker we’ll never know, but a hypothetical from Jay caused an eruption on The Bonfire.  Inspired by actor and diet icon Peter Deluise, Jay and Dan are on Day One of their Slim Fast Diet and things are off to a rocky start. Dan and Jay plan for death.

You're listening to Comedy Central! BAM! Hey, I'm Big J. Operson. And I'm Dan Soder, and you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire live every Monday through Thursday from 6th 8PM on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM95, or on demand on the Series XMF. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the bonfire, SXM.

Crackle Crackle Camper's, it's your boy, black tiger, black loo, and welcome to the bonfire's best of the week. Whether it was pure misunderstanding or something much darker, we'll never know. What we do know is a hypothetical question from Jay causing a rruption on the bonfire. One not soon to be forgotten. I pretty sure it's real. And this woman talks about the health benefits of cum. And she like shows you how it helps her skin. And she just, and it's fucking crazy. The crazy shit is, it's not like,

she's got her titties out and everything, but it's not like a sexy way of like I love come She's like British or Australian and she's like my boyfriend drops off his common a little bit of thing right here According to my shake and you're like, oh my god to show it is is thick lumpy nut I'll tell you what's funny about that is like I feel like as someone saying that stupidity or no camera the guy who told her that should be behind her like this He told me that comes better for my skin Well now I feel comfortable telling you Christina. I've been coming in all of your smoothies But that was doing it. It annoys me that you're drinking them.

Oh, dude, I'd like you to know that I was giving you some health benefits. Yeah, you're actually stronger. And I felt it in your handshakes, Christine. They start to hurt my hand. Oh, for sure, dude. You haven't heard a complaint about a carpal tunnel in some time. Never. I haven't heard her.

I haven't heard her knees cracked since Obama was in office. Her bone density is on the up Yeah, this she ain't no walking bird no more Rhino Rhino of calcium. Oh man, that sucks that video's going because it's just the lady like showing the comb in the saucer And it's just this fucking thick nut with your own squeegee General finnish I'd like a cafe americano leave room for come. Oh, can I get a do you have oak come? I can't actual have cows come. I do have rice come. I don't mind if you have like

some sort of come of wheat. You seem like the type of person that would it's so not a thing to her that she'd offer you some of her shake. Yeah. I would tell you the ingredients afterward. She also seems like a person you'd want to get very far away from after coming. You would not and you'd be like, I got it. I can't talk about fucking plant-based diet again. Jacob laws out the door. No repercussions. What do you do physically to a woman who convinced you to try her smoothie is so good and then inform you that another dude's come, wasn't it? Dude, oh my God, another man's come,

if you drink another man's coming, you're like, it's just like, but you said it tasted good. What would you, yeah, that's a great question. What do you do? No laws. And I don't find that funny. Right, go fuck funny. Right.

Go fuck around. No. Well, I don't know what this guy, no, man. I'd be pretty fucking pissed. Yeah. Well, she said, where have you said, I'm going to coax out a batch out of you to use my next smoothie.

Do you forgive her? No. That's not good enough. She made me drink a guy's load. All right. So she says she's going to take your load for her next batch and write you an apology letter. There's no forgiving that I'm going to be very like you said, no repercussions. Oh, man. So you're not so you're not taking the load. I guess. By the way, the smoothie is good. It's the same way my mom tricked me when I had

Rocky Mountain oysters. She was like, they chased like, strawberries. I guess you're going to predominantly taste strawberries. I suppose. Yeah, but the difference of what you're describing though is that would be like, if they had you eat Rocky Mastin oysters and they go, guess what, Dan, that was bowl balls. You're like, even worse covered in Joe's comb. That's what this is good thing. And I go, were those bowl testicles? She goes, no, no, no, but that Oreo milkshake you had, it was kind of, son of a bitch. You gave me the old pants and said, shuffle. Is there anything to make you feel worse about yourself?

Like I'm saying, like a girl can't let you know she's not attracted to you more than giving you a shake with her boyfriend's load in it. Why? You really harped up on it's her boyfriend. You said that. You said you're hypothetical. I didn't say her boyfriend. I think I said the last guy, the last guy, she fucked, it's his load. It's not her boyfriend. You seem to be really hung up on the fact that it's her boyfriend. Is there a particular load that you would have been okay with? Our first cousin is Jacob. Jacob, it's a it follows situation. Did she make someone come? The next come is locked and loaded for the next guy that's going to drink a shake. Now you give come for next guy's shake. Yes. And so is the circle of life. I'm still horrified, but I'm not.

You can make peace with it because there's no, it's not like emotional behind it. Oh yeah, no, they're not doing it to laugh at you. They're doing it because of the health benefits of fighting off COVID-19. Are you less angry if it's your come? of the health benefits of fighting off COVID-19. Are you less angry if it's your come? No, I don't want to, I would never drink my own. You Jacob, do you do somebody else's first? Jacob, if you got snowballed and it cured COVID for your family, would you do it?

If you had a drink your own come? Why do you never ask Lou these questions? All right. You know what? Oh my God. Let's pivot, whiskey. Whiskey, would you drink a shake with wills coming it to make sure that you and your family did not get COVID-19 uh fuck yeah of course I

would yeah what's up dude we're both new Jersey boys look at us living out here at the US me me and the lose were the Jersey trifecta now a little comfortable a little comfort. Get a little bit of come for full immunity. Come on dude. All right. How about this? How about a walnut size amount of come?

Like a packed load. Yeah. You would do it like a tie pod, a tie pod of nut. That's why it's not fun to ask DJ Lou these questions. I know a lot of Nicky didn't have them, and also, I mean, Will smokes a lot. Oh, yeah, he wouldn't need to smoke for a day after fun. Slogged a shot of Will come. He probably haven't.

Give me two fingers of come. Yes. I'm having a tough day here. Can I get single, single nut? Yeah, single finger. Okay, get it. Can I get single, single nut? Single nut? Okay, two fingers, a single nut. Single batch nut, Scottish, please. Yeah, I mean, it was, that's a, the thing that Jacob has been out of shape about is them

doing it as a prank to him. Yeah, it's a prank, dude. She thinks it's been out of shape about is them doing it as a prank to him. Yeah, it's a prank, dude. She thinks it's a good shake. She gives it to you. And then it says, oh, by the way, there's calm in that. That's what makes it so fantastic. And then goes, but I'm going to, we mean you were going to fuck around. And I'm going to get some come out of you for the next guy.

You don't just put that aside for a few minutes. No, I'm just a Zangry. Jacob, look at it. It's like pond water. No, I'm just a angry. Jacob, look at it. It's like pond water. No, I put no way. I put my screen down so I'm not looking at you. Jacob, would you, uh, look at the come. Jacob, it's

a birthday wish. Christine's birthday wish. Jacob, for one magical week with this girl, would you dip your pinky finger in the come touch it to your talking to you? No, I'd like to you, like you were making sure sure coke wasn't stepped on. Yeah, that's pretty good.

Do a little Caesar salad dressing tasting. Yeah, that's good. That's the stuff right there. If you got some good. This thing's going to say what you say. I'm just going to answer an email until this is off the screen. Why? Why are you marriage fighting with us?

Why are you going to go do something else? I guess for gonna be a female until this is off the screen. Why? Why are you marriage fighting with us? Why are you gonna go do something else to the other room? I guess for her birthday she wants to just keep a picture of a giant load on the screen. We're talking. We don't want to miss what she says. Yeah, hey, we want to hear what she's saying. Jacob, did you get raped this week? Guys, come and stoop it. I stupid I gotta go I hate being here. I just feel like coach Evans sometimes mean for no reason

Yeah, it's always take a side First of all Jacob by everything you said I'm pretty sure some woman made you drink her boy first Girl that didn't fuck you because your whole you can't say when you're a Jewish either Jay, huh? You don't like it either you said so it's pretty super. I tell you what I enjoy I'm the bad guy here. Well, I would watch I would look at this for another 20 minutes if it's gonna send you into a fucking spiral Dude tapioca city, Jacob would you mainline come if this woman would let you? I'm really gonna work on anything you want, anything you want with this girl, but you have to take, you don't have to taste or anything, dude.

You're gonna fucking boil it down and you're gonna shoot it right into your veins. Um, man, and then nod, you're gonna have a come nod. Maybe you get, maybe you get a couple of cool tunes out of it. Who knows this girl. Yeah, it seems like she really wants to tell you about Shocker is after you blow your load I can't I believe she believes this stuff. Oh hundred percent Absolutely Everything she's putting in the smoothie is like healthy and immune Without the com well Christine. I don, Christine, you don't know your science.

This is so weird. Okay, Jacob, you get the fucker. However you want with a calm, the mom, but she requires that when you are going to come that you pour another guy's load out of that Tupperware onto her. Wish you that. No, I'm still staying. She like, no, she likes come chill. But Jacob, she likes come chill like a spacho. Yeah. I want that couple of a spot. I was to ease.

I wouldn't drink a milkshake from that blender. Seven milkshakes from now. Yeah. I would have to burn that thing like it was a haunted Bible. Yeah, I would treat it like something that was for kosher food that somebody threw hand at you. I would put into one of those cubes from Superman 3. He said it was Superman 2. I'd send it into the Phantom Zone. I would put into one of those cubes from Superman 3

I know you have filled this thing with hot water time after time again, but I'm telling you I just mentally I feel like there's jizz on that blade. I really do I really do. Yeah. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. I know, but just look at me in the eyes and please tell me there's no coming this doctor pepper Is there any coming this seriously her entire apartment would be like a bio hazard to me. I would never Take up it take up as to put on they live glasses He comes out he's like I'm gonna cut the sandwich there she goes the knives are in the drawer. He goes you cut come with cut the sandwich and she goes, the knives are in the drawer. Yes. You cut, come with her. No, Jacob, why would I come with, with a knife?

Did you do your, did you do your common turkey touchers, Eany? There's so many diseases carried through come. Like I don't know. Is she saying that she were frigid rates at first? Yeah. Yeah. Her boyfriend doesn't have syphilis. What do we do? She's saying that she refrigerates it first Boyfriend doesn't have syphilis what do we do?

Jacob I don't know I don't know if she has a boyfriend. Why do you think it's a boyfriend? She just Drink her boyfriends come Jacob She said they leave it on the doorstep she is their boyfriend Leaving it on the doorstep. She is their boyfriend. Oh my God, I was leaving it on the doorstep. Strong man with strong semen. You think her boyfriend goes and leaves. She was, I like to pretend it's like a milk delivery.

So my boyfriend goes out and puts it on the step. He does. He do. That's what I said, Jay. She gets it on the doorstep. No, I get to the doorstep. But I'm saying Jacob keeps, he's, he's consumed with her having a boyfriend. Jacob, you know what? Jacob, hold on guys, guys, random guys is even worse. So can guys hold on guys.

I know how to explain this. I just recently had to explain something to my little cousin. This will work with Jacob. Jacob, there's a cumstork that brings to mommies that need come for their smoothies. So the historic comes to I'd you think that multiple random dudes loads is safer than the boyfriend.

Jacob I don't get safer God boys drink up. Jacob I don't get I don't pick so much. I don't get

a I don't get I don't get behind I Get behind I'm not into come shakes Jacob I never have been I'm just saying you seem to be I you keep you keep you keep saying a situation It's not happening. It's making me think a woman's made you drink her boyfriend's comment or a fucker and then she didn't fuck you afterwards and you have been really holding a grudge about this. I'm just kidding. I just want to see if you drink Darryl's car. Darryl, come out in the closet. You got the... Ha ha! Ha ha! You little pussy! You drink my calm!

You drink my calm, you fucking reader. You almost slept. You're like rock and roll comic. Drink some drinks of shame. Jacob, you're so cool. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Oh my god. You live such a wild life to drink it up Take a First limited edition sure drink it up You love it so you love it so much to drink it up. Drink it up dude. You love it so much. Drink it up. It's a picture of a fucking smoothie. Oh god, dude. God.

It should be a smooth. It should be a picture of a smoothie with a smiling experiment. It says you love it so much. God, dude. I haven't laughed that hard. It's so fucking long. My fucking organ's hurt. I'm gonna leave chicken alone. He went on the attack. No, dude, I get it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you drank that dude's calm that one.

It wasn't me who did it to you. You could have given it some warm and good offering things like you. I'm the nerd. I love a shelter. You drink it up bad boy. Hey, it's Black Louigan. Inspired by actor and diet icon Peter Deloise, Jay and Dan are on day one of their slim fast diet and things are off to a rocky start. Those slim fast shakes clean you out. I never eat during a day normally I have to tell you but now that we're on slim fast all I want to do is eat so bad right now I'm so hungry. I usually don't eat till 10, 11th clock at night for the first time. Yeah.

And right now I'm just staring at the slim fast again. Like, so hungry. Don't worry. Do you got an hour and 40 hour, 21 minutes, and then we can have a slim fast. And then we can crack one more slim fast. Did you both go on slim fast together? Yeah, we're doing it for the six jump part. Ari Schaffer and also Peter Delewese lost 32 pounds. So we're 40 pounds. And if it's good enough for Peter Delewese, it's good enough for us. And for two weeks, me, Ari Dan, a Salvo cano jumped into the mix.

It's spreading out. It's getting out there big. A lot of people, some fans doing it with us. What is the, what is the whole plan? What's the diet plans? Just to see you do a shake in the morning, shake it. Dan, Dan, Dan, a delicious shake in the morning can take a hard time. A delicious shake in the morning, a delicious shake in the evening.

All right, we're ready to see what's in it, Christine. Wait a delicious shake in the morning, a delicious shake in the evening. All right, we need to see what's in it, Christine. Wait, delicious shake for breakfast, delicious shake for lunch in an essential dinner. Oh, mounted extra. That's what really cuts the weight off. See, do something, do something.

You're eating three meals. You're drinking two shakes and one meal a day, and that's it. Yes, you get 250 calories of snack, which is pretty cool. That's insane. It's kind of on a quarter. Why is it insane? Unsustainable.

Well, it's for weeks. You want to spend the evening for two weeks. Yeah, that sounds like torrenter to me. For two weeks, too, we got this. You drink it up bad boy. You're drinking up bad blood. You're drinking up bad blood. Yeah, dude, we are going to drink it up. Not next Tuesday, but the Tuesday after will be our last day.

Is this your first full day? Yeah, it's our first time doing it. I'm always thinking about when I'm going to fall. You're going to be on the screen. I'm telling you, Jacob, I don't thinking about when I'm gonna fall. You're gonna be on the screen. I'm telling you, Jacob, I don't know what they put in this guy. But it's terrible. It's terrible.

It's terrible. Jacob, I don't know what they put in this guy. It's terrible. It's terrible. It's terrible. It's terrible. It's terrible. It's terrible.

It's terrible. It's terrible. It's terrible. It's terrible. It's I can't do it. I'm out. So the whole contest is off. And go back to you. What I'm going to probably end up happening is going back to J and R and be like, Hey, I went to an internalist. And it's a getting a intestinal rot. My lower GI system is completely shredded. You said, he said, been with mono dextrin? I have to do a, I have to do a voluntary, a volunteer

callostomy bag because I'm getting with it call in the medical world, the male hysterectomy. Two questions. Yes. Many calories. Is it per shake? And then what is the sensible meal? What is the bucket?

Bucket. Bucket. A per shake, baby. I had cappuccino this morning. Oh, I think I have a thing that's what punched out of your asshole. I don't know. It wasn't good. I'm going for a creamy chocolate here in an hour and 21 minutes.

That's three. It's been fucking fortunate. I was okay. The year you're, let's say your meal, your dinner is like 400 calories. You're, you're subsisting on basically 800 calories a day. No, well, 340 for the shake and then whatever's the dinner. I thought sensible dinner. It's just y'all fat. I have a sensible dinner of thousand calories.

I was about to have that. Honestly, Jay, I was like, do the sensible place I know is this place that we get chicken, wall of macaroni and cheese and sweet potatoes. And then, I was like, yeah, that's very sensible.

I was like, you're doing two slim things, Oh Honestly, it's like yeah, that's very sensible Then you're doing too slim face on a thing If you had just that macaroni and cheese, that's what you're supposed to have only. Oh, that's dumb. That's unattainable. What if I got a Cudoba burrito? Is that not sensible?

Well, I mean, you have to look at the, you have to look at, I don't know, like, I'm just trying to get like 1000 cal are under 2000 you want to be in colar deficit now, right? It's crazy look look what they suggest What's a sensible dinner 500 to 600 calories? Lexia diet, it's a clay it's like What I'm saying that's 800 calories a day which is I'm looking up what a Qdoba bur That's what I'm saying. That's 800 calories a day, which is what I'm looking at when a Q double burrito is because I'm going to see how calories, how sensible that is.

That's super low. What, so, but you have 600 calories for dinner. Giving you a shake with our boyfriend's. Oh, man, a Q doubleoba burrito is a 1069 calories. But if that's all you have, that's all I'm going to have. That's still being deficit. Do you think the ends of our cheese, stagger under 250 calories?

I don't, Christine. I got to tell you I really don't know. No, no. Are you doing that? I can do a taco salad bowl for 310 calories. Are you doing the sensible dessert with that or no dessert? No dessert. Although my snack might end up being chocolate, dark chocolate

covered almonds. I might do a spoonful of peanut butter. Yeah, right. Why might make a couple wheat sin and peanut butter sammies. Go ahead. I mean, the wheat sins are probably

not Jacobs going to give you a no on that. No one wheat sins Jacob. No, what better now. That's like back in carbs. So I would just eat the peanut butter. Yeah, also, by the way, you can go get those packs of like it's 100 calories for the thing of wheat. Then oh shit. Are you a peanut butter apple guy?

Love peanut butter and apples just didn't go the grocery store. Yeah, but now that I know I can have that for dessert, I think we're really turning a corner here on this slump-ass diet. I might just start living that life. You guys are eating like 80s hot chicks. Yeah. Like bad nutrition. You're gonna be in a two-piece summer if it kills me.

Dude, I'm gonna look good. I'm gonna wear just halter tops in the fall with my jeans. Hello everyone, I'm DJ Liu and on this week's quarantine loss tips, Jacob Dan and Jay make arrangements for when they die and find out how Dan's mom gets sexualized even in death. Poor Trish. Yeah, the only thing about a good Florida will would be the weaponry that you would inherit, whether it be knives, shark tooth, don't die on us, Jacob. Don't die. Not now. You're good. Well, sorry. You already did as well. Yeah. Jacob, tell us right now of your possessions.

One thing you would leave me, Dan Christine. Yeah, go through your will right now and and Black Liu. I would definitely leave you each one of my knives. I think I think you would really like that. I would like it. That's very gone. Fuse got a word. You hear that tiny batat's come get some knife fight. You want it? Win it. You want this knife? Ty wrists. All fucking I'll beat it. I'll beat it knife fight with you. Yeah. I'll tie on deathmatch and F use for for a knife. How about tag team match? Loser has to deal with the funeral arrangements

from Jacob. Loser has to cremate Jacob. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Loser has to incur the cost of the funeral. And I'll have you know, he wants a mausoleum man. Yeah. Yeah. funeral is you have to call his mom, man. That's Terry Funk matches. I don't know. It's because I wasn't a Harley race t-shirt, but getting the gallon. The fucking I was there because he also wants an eternal flame that gets bills alone. We're going to set you back at least a house a year. It's a mortgage payment a month. That dump thing flickman. He

turtle chicken once in a turtle flame. Dude, that would be awesome. What an inconvenient thing to ask for your family. I think we should all ask our family for eternal flames. I want to I want to be buried in one of those rickety old like where it like the tombstones or like the thickness of a trapper keeper. Yeah. I want to be one of those shitty ones, but I want to have like an obnoxious fucking, like I want my whole thing to be obnoxious, like columns. That's pretty bad.

Yeah, like a canopy over my thing, an eternal flame for sure now that I've said it. Maybe some car goils. Give me the, give me the crumb treatment, dude. Straight from Conan, I just want to be a a dusty step skeleton sitting in a throne with my hand over a giant broadsword that a that someone could take out from under it and my bones collapse. Christine says she's gonna bury me or she's gonna be cremated where they put your ashes into like tree seeds. Oh, a tree for you.

But here's the thing, if our household foliage is any indication, I will be dead again in this year. I take my kids to your tree and I go, oh, son of a bitch, this thing is, this thing is effective. You just got to grab it, it goes, I think the flooding salted the ground. This thing is fucking just.

Yeah, this is down. Papa, why was your friend so brittle? I go, shut up. You shut up. He wasn't brittle. He was a strong oak of a man. You want to go visit Jay Stump? We got to go talk to his girlfriend, Christine. Drive out.

Me and my kids through my mom donated. She signed her body away to the University of Colorado Medical School. So she's just going to be a cadaver. And there's something that's very unsettling about that with me. That my mom, my sweet mom, who hugged me when I was sick, is just going to be a body cholting around on a slab of metal. And someone's like, I got to deliver out this one, Drunk.

This is a great fruit. That bothers me so much more than one of the students like lifting up the sheet and show my mom's push and looking at her going, hey dude. Yeah, hey check out this lion's mouth. He goes, hey man, you think this is a stab wound that killed her? I'm kidding, dude, yeah. They didn't get the ax murderer who did this. No, I'm just joking. She's not an actual cause. I bet you did have a heart attack carrying around those fucking hoggers, dude. Look at this. She did it hard to check out those bags of powdered milk on her fucking

buy. He goes, I'll tell you what, rig a mortis sit in, but he's think still got a bounce. Dude, I'm always afraid that when at the morgue, they're going to be like, hey guys, I call Bingo on the white trash tattoos on this lady. We got three one on the year one on the hip and an ankle. This lady was. So he was a guy. We see. Yeah.

Look at those big sucking lips. Just something you're mind. Why? Or just or just a weirdo doing the thing where he puts his thumb on my mom's bottom mouth and just goes, Hey, happy to be here. My son's a real fag. Or you got to hope they really don't just do just all of the awful shit like she's actually there medically for like a vaginal rejuvenation surgery practice. A whole school walk around between your mom's legs just working on her sniz or you don't

realize that she got donated to the cosmetics and elective surgery branch and they just put bigger tits in. They give her the ones that your mom looks like a fucking tart asian. And like put it. She goes, then you you're gonna like this. We removed, we removed four ribs. This dead Irish, this dead Irish lady's got in it. Ass.

We took some, we took some fat at it, at it here, and we put it in our ass because we, we bumped them lips up a couple notches and we just, we lifted the tits a little bit. We turned your mother into a fuckable Frankenstein. You go see your mom, you know. She's all duck lipped. She duck lipped big cities.

My mom already has 200,000 followers on Instagram. Yes. It's your mom's corn. It's a lot of scores. Hey, it's Big J. Elkerson, and I hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th to 8 p.m. Eastern on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM95, or on demand on the Series XMF. Be sure to follow us on social media at the Bonfire at SexyM.

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