The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Crying Over Action Figures

Episode Date: April 17, 2026

There's a new He-Man movie coming out and Jay laments over his childhood action figures. Television producer Brian Volk-Weiss loves his Star Trek toys so much that he gets emotional about it on Instagram. | Bobby uses the office bathroom and presents himself way before he gets to the urinal. | The guys try to stay young by using red light therapy and skin creams all bought off of Facebook. Jay's algorithm is filled with wild men and sex toys. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And now, the bonfire with Big J. O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. Man, if there was an unhappy Olympics, we have the guy. We have the gold medalist 10 years in a row. This guy would be the Lance Armstrong or the fucking Mope Olympics. The 30-yard mope. Take steroids to mope. He's been doping the mope. He's been taking the mope.

taking some of his mope out and re-injecting it later, throws it from running through a centrifuge. He actually gets mopey baby blood. I want to win. You do. Well, you want. He goes, I want stem cells, but only from really unwanted babies. That was so funny.

Bobby started woo-hooing when the song came on. I'm bobbing my head like this. I'm grooving my neck. And he goes, come on, Jacob. And Dave goes, what, I like the song? Yeah. And then he goes, and I go, really? It doesn't look like it.

Can tell by your energy. And he goes, what do you want? What do you guys doing? He goes, Bobby's woo-hooing, and I'm fucking grooving in my chair. Yeah. Come on. Baby, come back. Ooh.

Any kind of fool could see there was something in everything up again. Ganga-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-baby, come back. I do this thing. And I didn't know it was a thing until last week. and then today. When I go to the bathroom, you know what I got to pee? I go into the bathroom here at Sirius, and you kind of go through the door

and you've got to make a right past the sinks, and there's the journals. But I one-hand stick it. You know, I usually have something in my hand, so I one hand, I take my hand, I put it down and I pull everything out with one hand. Above. Yeah, Jacob.

You pull out of that. out of the top. I pull it out the yeah kind of... No opening at all. No opening because I got the true classic jeans that stretch. Sure. And my arcade belt, which is stretching. I will oftentimes just fucking, without even undoing the belt, just fucking get my dick out of the top. Yeah, one hand stick it, right? Not one hand, that's a two-hand job, for sure. I do a one-hand stick,

but I do it too early. I do it as around the corner. Oh, so someone's watching you. Well, I've never gotten caught. Like, I've never... I've come close. I don't realize. It looks like you're trying to get yourself hard before you pull out. I got to stop. I got to stop. I got to wait until I get to the urinal.

I'm like going in and I one hand stick it and I realize there's people. Oh, Bobby, by the way, if your dick is out and you're just at sinks, you're going to look a fucking maniac. You might get fired for that. Yeah. Well, there's a whole. You can't get past sinks. What do you mean you have one hand? I got something.

I'm holding a coffee. I'm holding a coffee, a water, his bag. Bobby thinks. putting his cigars away. He's got a fucking torch lighter and a regular lighter. Two bags of fucking trail mix. I'm Bobby Things, dude. I have three letters.

A protein bar. I have Cuban cigars. I have a torch lighter. A thin torch lighter. Why aren't they away? Wait a minute. I have an electric torch, three stream. I have two bars.

I have a glasses case. I have some mince. I have another bar. Got that one for you, Jacob. You can pick which one. I have Zin. I'm Bobby Things. I have a lot of things.

I mean, put them away when you're going to. I have to. He can't. Even if he puts things away, he's holding the thing that all the things are in. He's only got one hand for his dick is the point, Jacob. Bobby has to product place at all times. I love how he weaves in brand names when he tells a story. You know what hangs nicely when you're taking a fucking public piss?

Supreme Fanny Packs. Can't get these. These are hard to get. But I do. These are easy to get my Boston Scali Piggy Blinders hat. Special edition comes with a razor blade that you can pin onto the top. Is that true? Yeah, they used to.

back in the day, put a razor blade up here, and they used to slice you with it. I got to be honest, what I don't like is that you got the Peaky Blinders brand. It seems like show merch. It's a special edition from Boston Scally. Right, but it's show merch. No, this is a special edition that was made for... People who are fans of a TV show and want to dress like that guy. I got it true, but I will say this.

I got it before I was a fan of the show. I got this and then started watching the show. That's gayer. That actually is gayer. that it drove you to the show. Maybe you didn't hear, Jay. That's Boston Scali. Yeah.

This Boston Scali is a company in Boston that makes Scali caps. I'm really friends of mine. But I'm, I can't, like, I go in, here, I'm going to show you. Can I show you? Uh-huh. I'm going to show you. Okay. So here's the door.

The urinals are down there. I got my things. And as I walk through the door. Show me, show Jacob how you present. It's okay. He's allowed to see your penis. He's a man. The guy at the urinal already.

You're over at that. This is not. sexual harassment. Jacob, you agree you want to see his dick. So you're over with the urinal. All right, Jacob said it's on microphone. He wants it. The sinks here is, I come to the door. Jacob, do you want Bobby to show you his penis? I sure do. Okay, says he sure does.

All right, I can't really right now because I'd have to get it going. Yeah, that's fine. But that's what you do is you're making your way around the corner. Well, as I come in, I, I want hand it. Tug, flop, flop, flop, flop, I want hand it. Christine eyes down. It is illegal for that. I'm here. That's fucking crazy. I can't, like, but like, I got to stop. That's crazy, Bobby.

You do have to stop. That's insane. You're out by the sinks. I'm my hands in my pants by the sink. I don't, I've never had it like. You're presenting two feet from the urinals. I'd say a foot, foot and a half too far. Oh, I mean, you just described about four feet too far.

Well, I never. You're a toddler's worth of pulling your ween around for people. Yeah, I'm, I, you're not in the urinal. I think I'm used to. I think I'm used to when I go to the bathroom at my house. is I one stick it, but I don't, you know what I mean? I got to wait until I get to hear. Why are you always carrying things in your house?

I'm Bobby Things. I'm Bobby things. But you have things, you put things down in your own living room. You don't want to. You want to hold your water. I like to hold. I like to hold my stuff. And dick.

It balances me out because my dick is so heavy. I have such a heavy piece. There's so many Bobby's, but it's always techno Bobby that's peeing. I wish you got talking about the reverse engineer of your hat got you into a TV show. Yeah. It just reminded me of it. That was always a story of Masters of the Universe was... Is that what your gloves got you into?

Yeah. It was a failed... It was a failed toy run for Conan the Barbarian because it was rated R, so no kids got to know who Conan was. So they just made up Masters of the Universe. He-Man and all that. They just made up his toys. Then they made lore based off the toys. So they made the toy first?

Yeah. And then made He-Man. Yeah, that Netflix show that goes through all the old... That was great show. The toys that made... or whatever it was called. Did you watch that? That was really good.

The He-Man one was that. They were supposed to be Conan, the barbarian. But they can't. But then they were like, they had these molds, all these molds made. They were like, it's a fucking rated R movie. And no kids are seeing it.

So they made this up. They have the movie coming out now. It's like they finally found the effects to make a He-Man movie look good. And then you realize now, like, who the fuck wants to see? What a stupid shit? Because they made a story based off of toys,

the story blows. It was never a good. What is he mans? He's just a guy But now they have him as a guy in modern today Like, please bring up the trailer But I'll tell you, Skeletor's never looked cooler

And he's Jared Letto Our favorite Coler, Jared Letto. I don't know what I love Jared Letto. Yeah, his favorite Coletto I call him Gerolito But what is his power? Just strength?

Just strength. That's it. That's right here. I had every single Heeman doll and the Castle Grey Skull and Snake Mountain. Now, what are the secrets of Castle Grace go? It's bullshit.

Cringer's terrified. I'll tell you what the trailer does do, Bobby. Pause this for a second, a little. What the trailer does do pretty neat for the live action. Yeah. I think the MGM Lion is Battle Cat. Oh, no, that's kind of cool. I like when they do the...

Yeah, fuck with the opening thing. The fucking credit, yeah. But, yeah, so this was... So his sword made him into Battle Cat. He was a little coward. Yeah, and then... He-Man is just some dude who happens to be yoked. Prince Adam.

But doesn't he get bigger when he becomes He-Man or stronger? It's the same doll, just different paint. I wish we had that sword. We could make Jacob happy with it. Oh, Jacob. By the power of gray skull. Smile, jerk off. Now, here's what I say.

I don't know if they've done in any He-Man adaptation yet. Is there an orco? They never make an orco. What's an orco? I wasn't really into He-Man. Orko was his little, that's right where our age would be different right there. Right. That gap.

A floating nerd. It was a, was it a nerd, orco? But it was like a, it was like just completely blacked out. It was just eyes. They had it in the trailer there. And what you were playing, yeah. Towards the end. Orco.

You can show him orco. They'll show Orco right here. Man at arms. Wait, before that. Before that. Yeah, go right there. The sorceress. Man at arms.

Orco. Was Orco just a magician? Yeah, he was a little wizard, but it was just eyes and a It was just a floating like shirt and hat with eyes But he had an O on his shirt just in case you forgot So you know he's Orco Orgo To make things less so serious

Yeah, there you go Christine brought up Orco I like you But bring up the trailer for the actual There was a movie, right? Wasn't there a movie? So there was a movie with Dolph, bring up the trailer for that one Bring up to Dolph Lungerin. That was brutal However, the casting was Dolph Lunger and his he man, obviously.

Franklangella, is that his name? Yeah. As Skeletor? It was so great. It was so like, there was like a cast in it for sure. I think Meg, what's the one with the blue eyes from They Live? Oh, that sexy, crazy looking chick. I never thought she was that sexy.

Her eyes were too weird. Yeah, she's got like see-through blue eyes. This is, yes, yeah, this is it. Dolph Lundgren It's I love the Even the galaxy sucks They just weren't ready to make this movie yet

Yeah I don't even know what that means But somehow this will end up being more fun Than the new one Because I don't think this one Takes itself seriously It looks like they're all wearing Darth Vader helmets

What? It looks like they're all wearing Darth Vader helmets Probably Courtney Cox was in this one Was she? Yeah she was the brunette At the beginning there

Oh, there she is. Meg Foster. Yeah, her eyes are wild. Franklin Angelus Skeletor. Now, bring up the new one. The new one, they got it all down, but it looks like a movie. Like, the story's always sucked.

So who are you making this for? If I watch this, it will be on a plane. Who is He-Man? What do you mean? Who plays He-Man? Oh, some guy. I don't know what he's right. Oh, that's no good.

But, I mean, look at the production. Idris Alba is man-in-arms. Wait a minute. Isn't that the same guy, same eyes as in Thor? See, Battlecat? In Thor? Yeah. Yes, Idris Alba, yeah.

It's the same. But he doesn't have the eyes here. See, look, he's just a dude living right now. Doesn't that make you angry, Jacob? Yes. I also don't recall a He-Man being like a spaceship thing at all. But this is like Thor. But there's spaceships everywhere.

Yes, it's very Thori. It's identical to Thor. Right, but whereas Thor has a long-storied history that it can work off of. I mean, but how cool does it look? It looks pretty cool. Yeah, I think I'm in. But I don't know what they're doing. There's no spaceships.

I don't think in He-Man. That's awesome. Does Idris protect a sword, too, in this one? No. Maybe? Prince Adam I don't know Let's hear him say it

Say it Fuck face Nope He doesn't say it He doesn't say it I have the power Yeah he does It looks shredded though

But you gotta see Skeletor Jared Leto Yeah they did They did used to have Spaceships and shit They did Yep a few

A little comedy I mean, you're going opening night, Lou. I mean, it's shitty graphics. That's my one pet peeve, like the AI slop. Well, have fun trying to explain to your young black girlfriend about e-man. She's not coming to this. Yeah, she's basically Indian part. It's going to hate the AI graphics.

My cousin can do better. I think I'm right, do Jared Lidot's Skeletor? Yes. Yeah, but here's a problem with this. You don't get to see Jared Lotto's gorgeous little cute. cute face you want to see. It is true. I don't want to hear his voice.

I want to see his little face. That's as much as... Oh, Jacob, you like the modern comedy they're throwing in there? Jacob, that's what makes me laugh. Allison Breeze in it, so I'll probably... I'll wait for it to come on TV, but I will watch it. Who is she? No, I mean, who does she...

She plays Evelynne? Yeah. So is this your... I'd never really watch this. You know all about it? I watched it as a kid, but for me, all cartoons died in the 80s. They were all like based off of toys. Like, I almost thought they all sucked. They were kind of based off toys.

The Smurfs, the Smurfs killed cartoons for me. But if you could make a good enough toy. If you could make a good enough toy, though, it didn't matter. Uh, the Centurians, I thought was such, that was such a short-lived thing. That was air, sea, right? Air, sea, and land. And it was just three guys. But you bought the action figures and they had like holes all over their suits.

Yeah. And you put, you could make them like, uh, you'd put on the stuff that would make them, Like one turns into like a tank One turns into like a Like a spaceship I've never seen this Yeah There's a rage difference

But I was into Voltron I loved Voltron Voltron too Voltron was my shit Great toys That was probably my favorite toy I got the Voltron toy Did you get all

Whatever part you need? It was five I think Six six Six six You had the head No I think it was five You're right You have the arms

Body and head was one thing Yeah Two legs Two arms Yeah Voltron was my favorite toy of all. Here's Centurion. See their suits? And then everything just comes and clicks on to them and then they become like

a plane and a fucking ground tank. That's called modular. It's so cheap looking. Oh, the cartoon? Everything. Because it didn't matter. You got to see the toys. The toys look like shit too. Let me see. Let me see. Cartoons in the 80s really sucked. They were terrible. Remember

what was it? Ghost? Ghost Rider? Ghost Rider? I don't remember the cartoon. Oh, dude. Cartoon sucked. I know what you're taking. Not ghost writer Ghost, Hulk? Ghost what?

Space Ghost. Space Ghost? Oh, I just remember like the funny thing. Space Ghost. I just remember like the funny one they did on Adult Swim, Space Ghosts. Yeah, cartoons fell off in the 80s. There was no writing. No.

No. I mean, if you watch Bugs Bunny now, it's pretty funny. It's great. They have funny. All those cartoons were kind of made for adults back then. You guys hate the Centurians because you're haters. I mean, they're no Thundercats. Thunder cats. I love Thundercats though. Thundercats are great.

Thundercats toys blue. Really? I think so. I think they weren't poseable enough. But the cartoon was fucking great. Do you know who's a toy maker now? Do you remember Brian who used to run, he was Barry Katz partner? Volkwise. Brian Volkweiss is a toy maker now.

Yeah. And literally gets emotional when he releases, when he gets the rights to, to certain toys on his Instagram. He makes them. He has a company that makes total action, well, I guess they're called action figures. If you talk to Greg Stone. Like throwback ones?

Star Trek, Roy, like, space ones. He's a big... Are you better to call Roy Rogers space? Well, no. Buck Rogers. Buck Rogers. Buck Rogers. He says his Western.

No, Buck Rogers, Star Trek. No, he's all nerdy Star Wars. No, he's all nerdy Star stuff. I've said it a bunch of times, and I'll say it again. If society wouldn't judge, I can see myself playing with some GI Joe's for a couple, for a couple minutes. Probably kill an hour with some GI Joe's for sure. These Centurians don't look so bad.

I take it back. I told you, when I stayed at... They're posable. They're like GI Joe's that had little things you could put all over them. That size was good because you could do other things with them. It didn't always have to play Centurians. These guy could be ringers from my football team or a very wacky character in my wrestling matches. You know what I mean?

I'm surprised you didn't bring one up on stage to have a joke. Well, that would have been not part of the reveals. Everybody ready to laugh now? Jay, when I stayed, I stayed at Brian Vogweiss's house once during the tours. Did you see the factory? Did the elves wake up? This was before he was a toy maker, but he was an action figure collector. Okay.

So he had a really nice place. And he's like, just stay at my house, you can have the whole place. So I stayed, I was standing this house. While the USS Enterprise. The crew stares at you from a shelf? Well, he has a whole office full. He had all action figures of everybody. Star Wars.

I mean, all the hard ones to get, right? All plays perfectly on this beautiful wall he had made for his action figures. So I was at the comedy store at Laugh Factory and Yoshi pulls up. And Yoshi always used to pull up. He worked for Evil Angel. And he'd be like, Bobby, you want some. pornos and or dildos. Do the impression right.

Bobby. No, no, come on. Bubby. No, no. Bobby, you want. Oh, Bobby. Oh, you're a pornography. You bring a pornography.

It's Chinese. You got to do Japanese. Oh, hey, Bobby. You want a pornography or some Dildos? You like a Dildo? You want a Dildo? I got a buck of Dildo. Dirdo.

Dilldo. Dill Do do do do do. Dill do. So he goes, he opens the trunk. I'm looking, I see this dildo. It's called the thin and nasty. Nice. It's just really long and thin with just veins and two little nuts down the bottom.

So I take the thin and nasty. I'll take this. And I go, I'm standing at Brian's house. I go to Brian's house and I just move Luke and Han Solo over just a little bit. And I put the thin and nasty. A month later, I get a call from Folkwise, you motherfucker. I'm like, what? He goes, I brought a date back to my house, and I was going to make her a cup of tea,

and I was really having a great night, and then I just hear a scream from the other room. She went into his little action figure room, and right in the middle, was it thin and nas is just a big long dildo. Can I tell you something? I think you might be taking the blame. I think you might be taking the blame for something that might not be your fault. I think we was having a date that was going well and she stumbled into his action figure room

she probably screamed because she realized she probably wasn't getting out of that apartment a lot. You know what? That's the first thing you would think if you go, oh, this guy's got his shit together, huh? Oh, God, loose action figures everywhere? That's terrifying. This guy's a producer.

This guy's got money. This guy's, what the fuck is this? I bet a girl would rather see a fucking shelf with eight dildos on it than a room full of action figures and one dildo. You make a solid point. I'm not going to let you take the blame for that behavior. That was her fault.

That was his fault. I never thought of it. She was screaming at the, the craziness of his manhood. Yeah. Yeah, he was. Brian Bulkways, he went to make tea and pick up 17 more specials for comedy dynamics. Oh, you got to pick up his Instagram. The last one, he was emotional over.

Really? Oh, emotional. I'd like to make fun of Brian Volkoy. I love Brian. Do you? No. I don't know if I do either. I don't know.

I feel like I have something history with him where I'm like I never let him I never let him I never let him I never worked with him like that but he did protect me on the tour he really looked after me

on the tour yeah so I do have an affinity for Brian Volkwise we've always had an all right relationship yeah his Instagram that's him right there dude he's a toy maker now and he loves it oh he hangs at the cellar

Right? He hangs out to the comedy cellar. No, he lives in L.A. He's still producing stuff, but he has a toy company now. He just looks like every white guy you've ever met ever. He looks like anyone who wants to have a conversation with Noam. Yes, he has. Oh, wait. Surprise.

Yeah, there it is right there. Star Trek announcement? Yeah. Without further ado, and again, I'm sorry, I'm getting a little emotional. But we are very proud to announce. The newest figure in our Star Trek line is the Starfleet janitor. I didn't, I didn't react like this to Ron Beddington's cancer announcement. And that struck me to the fucking core.

It killed me. Yeah, yeah. That struck me right down to my toes. Wait, do you see the character? God. We're watching Brian Vogtweiss in front of, it would be great, though, if my slim and nasty was behind him, though. Oh, man, not to make me happier than I fucking, like a dildo swinging in the winds behind him.

Suction cups. Yeah, yeah. This would be a great funny video if while he's doing this and crying, someone hit him in the face with a big floppy dildo. That'd be a great, like, jackass thing. And we just got to access the wonder what... But they made the sound of a lightsaber. Zoom.

It's the janitor? It's the janitor. The guy who cleans up the SS Enterprise. It's the janitor. Bobby. Bobby. Bobby. Bobby.

Bobby, you're a poon because you come here and come here to laugh at him with me after you fucking liked it. I love, I like all of stuff. You really are. I love it all. You don't, dude, you don't, you don't love it. You don't love that it was a janitor? I thought somebody died. I was like, what happened?

He's like, good you. I'm not going to reward that type of behavior. I reward all of it. Bobby and Greg. Oh, Greg. A hundred percent, Greg. I always, I love it. I love it.

I love it. Oh, he's got other ones too. I love it. He gets very emotional about these figures, man. Bobby, do you love it? I love it. I love it. But how do you feel about it?

I love it. Okay. I've always liked men. I love it. You're such a fucking hoe. Love it. Oh, ho, ho, ho. You just know how to make them all feel real good about themselves. Oh, God, if you saw my Instagram algorithm, you'd lose your fucking shit.

I bet I would. It's bad. I know, dude, you watch girls work out. You have, like, the algorithm of, like, a 15-year-old boy who just figured out his weanus. Can I tell you, can I tell you the one that is bugging me right now? There's a kid on the internet. He's a big, big black kid, but he's got a voice that is just amazing. Yeah.

And he only follows 50. people and I know two of them. Okay. And I requested a follow. All right. He's actually blowing up right now because of his voice. He's getting like a lot of voiceover work and you know, and he won't like he won't follow me back.

And I love his, I like. And you really want him to. I just, I look every day at the 58, hoping it's 59. And it's you? That's me. That's you picked up? It's not me. Yeah, we do have different algorithms. I've got a black guy who is inordinately jacked muscular who wears sleeveless sweaters and shorts, orders a crazy amount of food at places, turns around while he's holding the food usually, dances like a maniac. I follow him too.

And then he sits down and screams shark bite and opens his crazy Patrick Ewing mouth and bites down the middle of whatever he's eating. And I'll tell you what, I watch every one of them. I say I don't like it. I'm described it as something I don't enjoy. I'm like, what is this is so stupid? And then there's other videos of black people laughing at him doing it in places. Like, this motherfucker crazy. He actually kicked out of what they wouldn't allow him in the store.

Did you see that one? No. Yeah, they wouldn't let him in. They kicked him out. They didn't want his bullshit in there. And they kicked him out. I get it too, but I watch him. I was on Shark bite.

Look at Sharkbite. I was on Instagram. And it gives the commercials in between the story feeds. and then a commercial came up for a guy who is marketing an athletic suit. He's in it. It looks like a regular suit, but you see him on a treadmill. Like it's athletic, it stretches. Yeah.

And then I see on the bottom, like by Robert Kelly. Yeah, of course. Oh, they have the new Fruit of the Loom suit. Have you seen that? No. Fruit of the Loom just made a suit. Comes in a pack. Why are you going to job with a suit?

It's not a joke. No, I think the fruit of the loom ones, you'd go. I would buy it in two seconds. You can jog and you can work out in a suit for some reason. Oh, you'll be surprised at what I follow. Oh, Jacob, here, take a peek of this. There's everything you want to do. You hate this guy's so in shape and does this.

That's right, he's Nuggy Lamont. Wabbily dabbily. And then he has to make a real scene so white people are uncomfortable. This is one of the ones. Sometimes he just goes there and there's like a full routine dance. And everyone around him, yeah, you can see all the Jacobs behind him going like, it's fine, it'll stop soon. You should recoil at this. Oh, yeah, without a doubt.

Wait, you like the videos? No, I don't like, I don't like any videos. I know. I know. I've never on purpose like the video. I know. I know. I know. Because, like, you stop on it and like when you click the thing.

You could love. But I have, but if I don't know if it shows this, but how many things I've liked and unlike because I go, oh no. I don't want to be because if I like one thing, everyone's going to be like you've never liked me. Could you imagine this happening to you, Jacob? You've never liked anything of mine. No, not one. I like a lot of your shit.

I have no idea. I would never see that. Well, you should see it. Hang on, Jacob. How would you feel about this if you were sitting next to this? I want you to call your people and tell them just to like all my stuff. Okay. Dylan, text Dylan. Yeah, text Dylan. Is that Dylan? Dylan. Like all my shit.

Jacob, how would you react to this happening? I would feel threatened They came right up to somebody And I don't know what he's doing You don't see this In any other restaurant You can't have somebody just Aggressively dance in your face

You look how good that piece of script was Right there if that's me I don't know what's happening What if he was a really hot chick Huh? Oh my God Did he just bite through corn cob I don't think you could do that

You're not supposed to do that. I don't think you can. Well, he's not swallowing, so maybe he's just holding. I fucking hate this guy, but I can't turn away. You can't stop watching. You're going to see every single one he does. It's now in your algorithm. What a fucking knob.

There's one guy that I follow. Total knob. There's a guy that I follow who's a food guy who dresses the way Jacob would dress. He slicks his hair back and he dresses in a suit every day. And he does. That's only one Jacob. Food reviews. Yeah.

But I've watched him since he started. And it's, he's, you would hate him so much. But I watch all, I love all his videos. He, uh, food in review, I think it's called, and he has his hair slick back and he looks like a, uh, what do they call him a, what do they call you, a dainty man? What do they call? Dandy. Dandy. He's a dandy.

He dresses like a dandy in every episode. And he's like, food review. Oh. Please let me find this kid and send it to you. Is it Dan? No. Danny the foodie? No.

I wouldn't dress like a dandy. Dandy is like, look at me, look kind of loud. You're a dandy. I'm more of a bond. I would dress like Bond. No, you would write a penny farthing to work. Oh, yes. You would love to wear a penny, you'd ride a pettifother and wear an ascot.

And maybe wear an ascot even when you traverse your penny farthing. Where is he? You traverse your penny farthing to work. Time to hop on my penny farthing, you'll say. Look out, city bus. Penny farthing coming through. There's two things on the internet that I am, Bobby can't look for it too long.

Sorry, buddy. There is two things I've said now that I'm going to order. I'm breaking down and I'm ordering. I'm saying they're all in Instagram. The slim and nasty, number one. Number one. No, I'm going to do. I'm going to do the intake breathing.

It looks, how could this possibly be a thing that really works, but I'm going to do it. What is it? That's the two magnets you put on the outside of your nostrils. I got it. You got it. You got it. You got it. Don got it for me for Christmas.

It showed up already. I got it, yeah. She got it for me. You didn't try it yet? I have tried it. It's kind of annoying. Really? Well, you have to stick these things on your nose every night.

And then you click, there's different size clicks. Yeah, four. And they say if you get to four, but I mean, this would take out my snoring forever. It didn't, it didn't work. It didn't work. It didn't work. I have a twisted septum, though. I've had my nose broken like four times, so it goes right, left, right.

You always forget about your Mickey Warwick history. So I'd have to get my nose, like, I'd have to have massive nose surgery to fix my nose. But I do have them. And it did, I mean, I, I, this, this, this, Air comes out. This one doesn't. So it did... Well, they say the thing, do the thing where you breathe in real hard and see one nostril might close down. Does that happen to you?

No. Let me say... Yeah. That one, this side does closes. And this one doesn't. And that one doesn't. Yeah, this has... I get no air out of this nostril.

Does mine do anything different? Both of them close a little bit. Just a little bit? Just a little bit. I can do it. Watch. Oh, yeah. One shuts off.

Oh, I like that. Deviated symptom. Wait, let me try to get... Oh, my God. Too much. in the 80s. Yeah. It all went to your ass. Damn, that's crazy.

Every time he does that, your ass gets bigger. Nothing to do with my ass you perfectly. Put your thing up. What? Put your nose up so you see. Yeah. That side, this side goes in, that side doesn't move. Really?

Yep. It did. Not as bad as lose, but close. It did open this up, though. I will say that. I had to use the highest magnet. Four. I'd use the four.

Yeah. And it did open this side up. And I didn't give it a shot. I wore it the one night and I just don't Like the show task Well I'll give it another shot It didn't it wasn't fucking

As poppy as you said it was But the other thing I have to try Because I'm It's coming across too much It's telling me in one week I will see the age Come off my face With if I use Caldera

Spa I think it's called Face Serum From from fucking Korea I don't know Yeah it's the

It's the What is it? Green in yellow. Right there, the Caldera Lab. Yeah. Oh, I didn't see that one. I mean, this is coming across constantly. I have the Korean one, the cream that makes all the eye stuff and the neck stuff go away.

Yeah. Look at this, though. Yeah, that looks serious. Yeah. What do you do? That's a small bottle, though, right? What do you squeeze it on? What do you squeeze it on? In your hand. And then what do you just put it on your face? Watch a video of it being done. There's got to be one. here's what you do Alright so guy A little drop

Like a little Giz drips in your hand A couple giz Six looks like Rub it in your hands That's good That's bullshit Oh well is it

He's just patting it On his face And that's what you do So you don't want to Waste serum in cotton So you want to just put directly on your hand And then it's on your hands

And your hands are gonna shrink That's why he's patting it Isn't this guy 25? Yeah he's gorgeous already He's not Show me fucking my mother use this It's not for your mother It's for men

Well whatever I mean this guy is fucking Already got beautiful skin All right look So to you guys Yeah we do Don't give a shit I keep getting fed goop stuff

And it's all expensive Like this one I This is expensive Yeah It is pretty expensive For how long How much does it cost

For like a month so Yeah I say it's expensive But it seems just like Comparable to a lot of products Actually Probably like three months Well let's see some real There's gonna be

Now you go to YouTube, here's the move. Look at people talking about intake breathing and talking about Caldera Labs. Now you see somebody goes like, this hunk of shit showed up to my head. They're so angry. There's an Asian guy that I follow that gets all this stuff delivered to the house and then sees if it works. Oh, yeah. But some of it actually works and he gets sore. He's like, yeah, that it works.

But some of the stuff just sucks. He tries all the stuff off of Facebook. I just bought something off of Facebook. I don't want to tell you what it is. but I'm very excited when it comes I'm just gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna wear it in

and I'm gonna see if you guys notice the slim and nasty I'm gonna keep it in my ass I'm gonna say something this guy looks discernibly older after using it and it looks like his eyebrows are gone it's light it's lighting the light on the right

is lit up and the light on the left is dark I mean the red's out of his face a bit if that's a thing I guess what is supposed to get the red of your face? I don't know. What is it going to do for you?

What do you want to do? It's going to take 30 years off my face. It's not going to... It says it does. I know it says it. It's not going to do it. Bobby, but it says it does. You have beautiful skin now.

No. You have no wrinkles. I don't have a lot of wrinkles. I have no wrinkles. You have phenomenal skin. It's nuts. Yeah. It's nuts.

Yeah. My mom fucked Ayoshi. Yeah, but I got the stuff that you don't know. I got like the fucking. goofy, like my under here is like whiter than the rest of my face, which always looks weird. It looks like I wear sunglasses when I don't. Oh, you don't wear sun? That's not from

Sun? No. Oh. But it looks like I, yeah, like bounty hunter eyes. Dog the bounty hunter eyes where it takes his eyes up and his eyes are bright white and his fucking beat red face. Have you seen him lately? He looks like somebody made a puppet. Oh, yeah. And it's him. Yeah, yeah. It looks like a puppet version

of himself. He looks like Bill Hater's character as the old grizzled war vets. Dude, I... Does this Caldera Lab stuff? Oh, Frank Grillo pushes it. Frank Grillo. I've seen this stuff.

Let me see the Frank Grillo. Who's Frank Rillo? Frank Rillo. Come on. Come on. He's been in everything. He's sexy old guy. Show me the one person you notice in the goddamn eight pictures are up there.

I don't... This one? Frank Grillo. I shredded. Pause it? Jacob. How bad do you want to be Frank Grillo? Don't you feel like you're just...

like 110 pounds away from being him I'd like to look like Frank Rillo yeah yeah damn don't we all look at his hair I wouldn't mind looking like Frank Rillow well I will say his chest is fucking friccaced yeah he really only did his face

not the neck or chest at all that's that's that's roids no yeah that's fucking that's yeah that's exactly that's sun damage that's what I would look like if I stayed in California due to adornroids and supplements and all that stuff they have red neck and chest.

Wait, can you go back towards the end of it? Because I like the way he says as he goes, it has done absolute wonders for my face. He at the end, he just points where he goes, stop paying attention to my neck, my chicken neck, my face. I have to start over. I want to go back. It's fine.

Why not? It's him. Let Bobby check his boy again. Check it out. What's he saying? Another workout in the books, guys. What a jag. Yeah, but he takes his time.

Oh, he cut. There's a cut. Phenomenal hair. There was a cut. Yeah I've ignored my chest though That's what like all the dads in my hometown look like Nothing you can do about the neck

Yeah That's it They have not attack my neck and chest yet I got a red light for the neck too I have a red light in my sauna You did? It came Remember I said it was like you couldn't get it by itself

Oh it came up. What is a red light for? It's a red light therapy. It's supposed to help your skin and aging. And I have two of them, one in the back of me and one in the front of me in my sauna. And you put it on and it's supposed to help with your skin. I got a-sookate.

I got me and Christine each got the whatever, like the one of the best red light masks they make. I haven't tried it yet. I haven't tried it yet, but I have it. I felt like I burnt my face a little. The first time I used it, I was like I went to the second. setting. I'm like, I should have done an easier one first. How does a red light prevent turkey neck? What does red light do? It's red light, dude.

Does red light. Right. Fucking recreates the sun. On your neck. On your neck. There's also a blue light you could use also. Yeah. Don't use a green light though. You know, you could also buy. Red sun takes your powers away.

I was thinking about they make, uh, I forget what the kind of light is, but what I was going to the doctors for for my, uh, my skin dots that I get, the Yerticaria, my skin problem. They now, you could buy those panels. for your home. It's not that crazy expensive. The what, the red light panels? It's not red light. That's UV. Oh.

That's UV, but you can get them for your house now. Yeah. He's got like two panels and stand in front of it for a couple minutes a day. I made my sauna into a real, the cheap, I got a cheap Costco one and I made it into a really infrared, but I got a heater for it because they only go up to 140. You need to go up to 170 to get like the benefits of a sauna to get your heat shock proteins, chicken. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it only, I'm telling him, not you. I'm looking at you, but I'm telling Jacob. Heat shock proteins. Heat shock proteins. And how's that rabbit crack? Delicious. It's so good. I'm so hungry.

So I got a heater for my sauna and I got the red lights for my sauna. So my sauna gets up to like 170, 180 now. And it's great. Like I could only do like 15 minutes in it. 175 what? Not to, like. Yeah. No.

Yeah. Kits in 170 degrees. The sauna's at the Russian spas are like 200. How's it? What? Dumb asshole? Yeah, you need to get, a sauna needs to be 170 to get your heat shut. That can't be right.

You'd like burn. You don't go, but it's. Like, look when outdoor temperatures when it's like 110. No. Like, how are you going to get up to 170 Fahrenheit? Type it in. Stop talking and type. Can I ask you, is this the sauna that you used to promote on why I could,

WD. It's like a chair with like a blanket over. No, no, no, no. Because my girlfriend got one of those. No, that's more like a steam. Yeah. You get a steam.

This is an actual infrared, infrared, what are you saying? Infrared, yeah. Infrared sauna. I have no idea they were that hot. Maybe I fucking hate them. No, you have to get above 170 before your body to attack.

It's supposed to be, they did a study in Finland, a 20-year study. people who did saunas twice a week or four times a week reduced dementia and heart disease by like 60% or 40%. Just say a percentage. 45%. No, no, just say like some percentage.

Yeah, just percentage. No, but it's supposed to be... It would be such big difference results. It was like somewhere between 75% and 3%. When I did Rogan, when he showed me his whole setup, he was like, I got the ice... You know, dick and balls? I got the ice plunge.

I got the... I called that in my sense. set up. The ice plunge. I want to see my setup. You did. He had the sauna, the ice plunge,

all the stuff. He goes, if I could, if I had to get rid of it all, I'd keep the sauna. The sauna's the best. Really? Yeah, when you get, when you take a spitz,

it gets your body, the heat shock proteins come out and they attack the, whatever shit you have, and they'll go on attack. I thought when you'd get in the cold plunge, it brings out things to attack the thing. Cold plunge.

When you, you work out, when you, when you work out, you don't want to go to a cold plunge after you work out because it actually stops muscle growth. So if you're working out, you want to go to a sauna after you work out. But before you go work out, you can jump into a cold plunge and it does your cold shock proteins will kick in and it actually works on inflammation. So if you, the older you get, you get inflammation fucks people up bad. That's what your joints and your hips and all your knees and you get you. No, the pro athletes jump in the cold plunge after the a game.

After a game, not after a lifting. You're lifting weights to get bigger or you don't want to go into a cold plunge because it stops muscle growth. You want to do it in the morning. So, Jacob, that's the problem. You've been sitting in cold water every minute that we're not with you. His apartment is a pool. Yeah, in a big cold, wet area.

Oh, look at all that. You have a bra? You can get a red light bra for your tis? Absolutely. What does that do? Unflamed. James them. Reduces the signs of tit aging.

Dude, I love my sauna. I did my sauna today, and I meditate my sauna. I do guided breathing meditations where you breathe. I actually got, you know, my straw, my breathing straw, my Japanese breathing straw. Yeah. I have a plastic one for the sauna because the metal one burnt my lips. I put it in my lips. So I was like, ha, how, how.

By the way, hoping that all these red light and things, shit works, it's so funny. I was like, oh, maybe if I get that red light, that mask, it'll work for my eurtacaria on the rest of my skin. And it's like, it is bad for that. Oh, it actually inflames it. Yeah, it's like, it's not good for that at all. And then it's like you have to do UV for that. UV light. So all must spend half my day is now just standing in front of light's fucking post.

What is you doing? He's lighting himself again. You know what really works is I got this, you know, the bags under your eyes. I only get one bag under one eye. this one. Yeah. I think, I don't know why.

Well, that's what's doing all the work. The other one's your lazy eye. I just look over at Jacob's smile until he laughs with me. Really sucks the life out of you. I mean, it's just a lot of products.

I got this eye stuff that you rub on and it takes the eye bag away. It's just gone, dude What's it called? I forget the name of it. Don got it for me. It's very helpful. You can pull it up. It's like this eye bag cream you put on

and you can see like some old lady will put it on and her bags just go away. Really good stuff. I got to start using my mask. You should. Your mask and then you also have that like the really nice mask that's like good for like the one

that Dr. Gale told you to get. You have at home. What, Dr. What are you? Can I have it? A lizard tail mask? Probably. Eye of Newt.

I have Newt. I have Newt. Lizard tail. This is, so, I have Newt. The problem is there's like 8 million under eye

bag creams. Just pick the, do the one that works right away. Do the video. Go to video. Go to the video. That makes it right away. Go to video.

I'll tell you which one. It takes the bags right away. Yeah, right there. Go to like an old broad. Don't go to, yeah, is that an old broad? Yeah, there's a little. Yeah, there you go.

Watch this. This is nuts. Is her doctor Akash Singh? I mean, look at that. She's got a butthole eye. Her eyes do suck. Oh. Her eyes look like elbows.

They suck. That's how we use Peter Thomas Roth? No, this is going to be good because I believe everything I see on the internet. This is nuts, man. She got two bags under her eyes that are, I mean, it looks like, it looks like an elephant's knee, right? and then within with under a minute

he goes now we wait look at that look at that it just goes away is that crazy yank your head out of your ass is that fucking nuts it's a fucking shitty product asshole who's that

it's a beezer from Philly how crazy is that well it's not an odd it's like movie makeup what do you mean no that's that's a no it's just like It's basically like a gluey thing that like as it dries, it just pulls your eye out. I think it's the same stuff that's in hemorrhoid cream.

You can use hemorrhoid cream on your eye too? No, because it's not so much shrink. It's, it says it hardens, basically, and it kind of makes everything flattened out. That's what they said. That's why she was drying it, it starts to harden. Still, it looks great, right? If you have baggy, temporary for sure. Asshole eyes?

Yeah, this chick's eyes suck shit. I hate her eyes. No, that's not it. I want to fix it. She's disgusting. Show me one of these other pigs. We should go. We should.

I want to make fun of everyone's shitty eyes. No, we should do, dude. We should go to Turkey and get a whole thing done. I don't want to go to Turkey. All right. Let's go to Mexico. They did something. I think the Christine's ancestors or whatever.

It's a lot of... Solidarity, I don't go. With the Armenians? Yeah, yeah. The genocide? Nobody talks about. I like system of a down, and I don't know any turkey bands. Hmm.

So... Do you like Turkey? Yes. I don't think they make turkey in Turkey. They make fake asses and fucking hair A lot of visual stuff Yeah, we should move on Yeah, it's eye glue

Yeah, go on Well, I was very descriptive Hey guys, this is radio The audience can't see what you're seeing Thanks Jim Oh everybody You don't need to see Frank Grillo's Delightful face to know what's happening up there

Wait to you see If this product I bought You know I buy a lot of Facebook stuff This one is going to be a game-changing in this room for me and somebody else if it works is it going to transform my life it's going to it could it could in a big way by you using it by me having it and showing you how it works you're you're definitely going to get it a hundred percent you'll get it jacob's going to get it he's going to get it 100 percent i don't want to tell you i just want to when they show up

hogo stick shoes huh close dude very good okay okay i like that we're guessing here We're guessing. The guessing games was fun. You got to be careful, though, buying stuff off Facebook because they have those scam, the Chinese scams. They're all scams. Not all of them. I think the intake breathing and the thing are going to be scams,

but I'm getting them both. I've gotten stuff off of Facebook that is real, but I did order the piano once for Max on Christmas, and they sent me two harmonicas. Yeah. And then you also ordered a New England Patriot shirt that was made with a fucking... It was supposed to be.

be a rubber stamp logo. If I was going to believe anything that I'm seeing on the internet that I want to believe is that have you seen the new thing now? For some reason on the porn advertisements, it's just telling you to toothbrush your dick. What? Have you seen this? What? They say toothbrush your dick and it's going to make your dick bigger.

It's crazy. Wait a minute. What do you mean? With toothpaste? Just rub your... I've seen some with toothpaste or some just brush your dick forward with the... Look it up. Look it up.

Wow, that's great. I have used a toothbrush as a vibrator, an electric toothbrush as a vibrator on a chick. I touched my cock with a toothbrush. Yeah, and it works phenomenally. No, no, no, no. This guy's going to show you that he pulls up. Yeah, because that is an advertisement that's coming up with a porpoor? Wait a minute. Oh, go, we're going to watch a guy jerk his meat.

Yeah, no, we don't have to do that at all. Oh, good. Yeah, I got an electric toothbrush, use the bottom. right on the clitoris and it works perfectly and it makes a girl lose her mind, Jacob. If you're in a jam, that's all I'm saying. It works on clitoris and plaque.

Yeah, it does. You can use one side for your teeth and one side for a cooch. All right, well, this is just a guy using a toothbrush to masturbate. All right, you know what? You know what? What the fuck was I seeing?

I bet you were just hoping you dick could get bigger in an easy way. I'll just put out of the theory out there in the world and see if the world will back me up. Guys, you could probably toothbrush your dick to getting bigger, right? But check it out. I love Jacob was like, do you have to use toothpaste? He was, like, interested?

Sometimes. I know. Don't we don't want to make our dick bigger if we could, which is a toothbrush? I don't know. I've never heard of this before. Well, it turns out. You have to ask questions. Yeah, it turns out no one's heard of it before.

It looks like I made the thing up completely. Why have I seen a video of a guy brushing his dick? And it's like animation almost. Before you porn videos, you're saying? Yeah. It's an advertisement. Yeah. I thought it's telling you the new way to get your dick hard was to brush your dick.

To brush your dick. Oh, shit. You know what? You'd better serve your time going to see Bobby Kelly at Comics Roadhouse in Connecticut. Going back on the road, baby. April 17th and 18th. After that, he's going to beat Uncle Vinnie's in Point Pleasant, New Jersey, and then Cleveland, Ohio, Stanford, New Orleans, all on deck after that for all those dates and so much more.

Get tickets at punchup. dot live slash Robert Kelly, of course. Go to his YouTube page at Robert Kelly Comedy and check him out every Tuesday night at 7 p.m. at the Fat Black Pussy Cat Lounge at Comedy Seller. It'll be there tonight. You're going to stop by. You were there two nights ago.

Oh, two nights ago because it's then. Big J. He's going to be at the Funny Bone in Orlando this weekend, April 10th and the 11th. After that, he's going to be in Nashville for Story Wars. And then he's heading over to Kansas City to do regular stand-up headlining for tickets and all the tour dates.

Go to bigjcom.com. YouTube.com slash at BigJ. Okerson. That was a fun show. Can I get a plug? Oh, yeah. Make sure you go to comic wearables. DJ Lou's got his brand new shirt.

It's pretty badass. I've already ordered one. He's got to get his Indian black girl from out of the ghetto. He's got to get her out of the ghetto. Or go to Lou Witsky on Instagram. Link in my bio, please. I can't live like this anymore.

The gunshots in the streets. Dog, I'm telling you. I'm going to go nuts. Come up with merchandise. I hear comics make a lot of money on merchandise. Get your hustle on, brother. Come on. Make some moves.

You need a Sufi. Get your Sufi. I cannot live like this no more. Enjoy your weekend, everybody. We'll catch you back on Monday. Yeah. No Jacob, though. Florida bound next week.

Yeah, Jake's going to be frowning in Florida. Florida for a week. Yeah, in the sun. I never frown there. Oh, well, that's great to hear. Good. I'm glad you save all your good energy for vacation. We'll catch you to Monday.

Crackle, crackle.