The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Daddy Dandy

Episode Date: February 7, 2025

Jacob refuses to believe that he is a gentleman dandy despite evidence to the contrary. Jay buys a new bidet and Bob quizzes him on the features because he his an expert. Jacob reveals that he wants to adopt a child. A video is played of a parade of children up for auction in England. Jacob holds a workout session with Bob and DJ Lou. Bobby gets sick during the show and has to walk out! *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolfSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to new episodes ad-free and a whole week early.

And now the bonfire with Big Jay Olkerson and Robert Kelly Dude, well, how can people keep saying that you're fucking? Do you hear what they're saying about you about me? Yeah. No, dude. You're you're fucking you don't hear it. You haven't heard it yet Are you just making a thing? No, I swear to God. I was last night. I got sent dude You're all that in a bag of chips Have you heard that people was saying that about you know I? Just let you know dude. Where does it? I'm all in a bag of chips the word on the streets All that in a bag of chips. How'd you get that when you were your insides were falling to your outsides all night? I did I was thinking about chips all that starving buddy last night was so bad

I was thinking of you, I almost called you because you went through this. Sure. Recently. It was so bad and I did, here's where I got fucked. Because I did the gay band workout with, you know, Jacob and the boys. You're not supposed to jazzercise.

Turns out it was too tough. You're supposed to crank iron, dude. Pump iron, you're not supposed to be. I was screaming. I had to go poop, so I had to sit down, but it was all bum legs. So every time I had to literally explode, I had to just push down and go, ah,

and work through the pain. Ouch. And then I would have to get up slowly. What? That means you're gonna have glutes of steel. The pain is good. Every time my leg workout the next day, my legs kill me, I love it.

Because you know you've done the work. Yeah, you put in the work. It's terrible. You're not sore. But you didn't do anything. I pooed 75 times last night. You think that's because of exercise? What, the poop?

Yeah. No. No, that's from those six. Oh, oh, oh, right. Their legs hurt because of the workout. The shitting sucked because of the workout. Taking the poopies last night, and I'll say poopies,

because we're a family friendly show. Absolutely. It's early. We are, still daylight. Daylight, Jesus light outside. Dude, I just, every time I went to sit, I had to... Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, and push down to get through the pain of the, what is it, acid, whatever, from his...

Lactic acid. Lactic acid from his Zoom workout. Makes me so happy. What? I, and not that you're in pain, but the pain means I did my job. Wow. You gonna put those bands on again? Huh? You gonna ever do those bands again? We're doing it Saturday. And not that you're in pain, but the pain means I did my job. Wow. You gonna put those bands on again?

Huh? You gonna ever do those bands again? We're doing it Saturday. All right, settle down, dude. Don't rat me out. No, me and Lou. Oh, yeah. Lou, you're a band workout kind of?

Yeah, that was my first time. First time I did it without the band. You didn't do it with a band at all? Yeah, I was the mime. The first time he mimed the workout. I had dumbbells. I didn't have a band either. You then went with bands? Well, I got my bands.

I'm trying to ease Lou into it, so I know I didn't want him to just start, I'm not gonna be that guy that's crushing, that he's gotta crush it and that he's gonna give up because it was too hard the first day. Sure. Nobody's worried about you being that guy. No, you don't understand the motivator I am. I do.

Of course I do. I can hear in your voice, dude. You get to the core of it. I think you're- You take no prisoners. I think you're making a joke, but I'm a fantastic personal trainer. No, I believe you.

I'm making a joke because you're going like, I don't take no shit, and everybody here is gonna fucking do as I say, and we're gonna kill it today. It's gonna be, you're supposed to be like, come on boys, let's go, two more, you got two more in you. I'm an inspiration, Jay. You hear a lot of this.

During the workout, I'm an inspiration. What do you say? Well, you do hear me moan because you'll hear me moan. It's that, it's that, that's what it's that that's what sounds good, but I give Lou I'll tell Lou Lou keep your back straight bend with your knees. I don't want to tell you to shut the fuck up, but I don't You can't you can't tell me you have to take it without you Jacob. So thank you. He's making sure you grind Yeah, rising grind you want to you want to get the most out of the workout? He does all right, and I wasn't pain the way Bobby was in pain, but I shit fine It was you are mine not this time

Bobby your stomach problems begin and end completely with the fact you keep calling beef sticks from the cash register to store Sausages no they're from the serious snack department. They're serious sausages. Well, they're from the serious snack department. They're serious sausages. Well, they're trying to kill us. They can only fire so many people. I think so. They can only do so many layoffs before they just start trying to kill us internally with their snacks.

You know what? Get these fucking sun chips out of here. Have you ever eaten something? You see needle holes in those sun chips? Have you ever eaten something and you're like, like immediate, like, eh, I think you're like, ah, fuck it. As soon as I took the, I think it was the third sausage. Nope.

Start sentence over. As soon as I ate the third sausage. It's not a sausage. It's a sausage. Stop calling it a sausage, probably. Why do you call it sausage? Sausage implies some sort of like craftsmanship in like cooking.

Something culinary where they're making a sausage. You know, it's like, I know it's a casing and all that stuff. You didn't do it as a, in like cooking something culinary where they're making a sausage out of something. I know it's a casing and all that stuff. You didn't do it, you opened it by, you don't eat sausages out of something that has the words peel here on it. Absolutely wrong. That is absolutely wrong.

Some of the greatest sausages in the world have peel here on it. Nothing says peel here that's good for you. Oh, I beg to differ. Just because you're all that in a bag of chips doesn't mean that- Is that the word peel here, that's good for you. Oh, I just, I beg to differ. Just cause you're all that in a bag of chips, doesn't mean that- Is that the word? Yeah, that's the word. I heard a person in Nashville.

Dude, it's not, it's a sausage. It's not. What is it? It's more like jerky. Yeah, Tommy's beef sticks. You're being jerky. Call it a sausage, and then I bet it says, what's the thing inside of Slim Jim's?

Sausage. A mechanically separated, is this one of them? What does it say? This is one of the ones you got? What does it, no that's. Is that Chomps? I got the small one. It's the same brand and everything.

Yeah. Okay, here we go. I got a green one. Don't make it like the green, look at where the green is, see what's different about the green. It's gross. Grass fed.

Yeah. And finished beef. Sausage. Nope. It says sausage on that thing Does it say sausage not anywhere at all now the first thing I'm gonna look at is a picture of a cow Yeah, and then the words original beef stick Chomps made with grass-fed and finished beef. All stick without the ick.

Yeah, and if that was in Italian, it would have been like beef sausage. 100 calories. As far as it goes, it sounds healthy, but I think it is processed or cured, and you had three of them. I might have got a bad one, though. I don't know.

I had burps the whole, I had three of those sausage. You also had breakfast. Christine, can you look up the... Do you know what you could consider a type of, boom! You take your mitten off and slap yourself in the face. No. How's that? No. Why don't you

challenge yourself to a duel, bitch? No! I bammed you. Thank you for Christine. We just asked, are beef sticks considered sausage? All of a sudden, learns that he's a computer I can't get a look at one thing that for make a point for me ever sausage Christine look up the ingredients and chomps Original beef sticks, please yeah agreement It's something happened

I've never gotten sick from Slim Jim's I I like Slim Jim's in the short term. I like the little babies. That's when I get the little tiny little sausage. But. Is Slim Jim a sausage? Sure. You're crazy. Slim Jim is a brand name sausage.

It's not a sausage. It is from the sausage family. Look up is Slim Jim a sausage? It's from the sausage family. She's only gonna bring up, magically, she'll only be able to find it if it's negative towards me. Yes, it's a type of smoked sausage Suck my sausage Grass-fed and finished beef water less than 2% of encapsulated lactic acid. That's the stuff from your butt and legs Bobby sea salt cultured celery powder

button legs, Bobby. Sea salt, cultured celery powder, cherry powder, black pepper, red pepper, garlic powder, coriander stuffed in a beef collagen casing. It's not that bad. So I'm gonna tell you something, Bobby. This isn't your problem. It turns out your beef stick was fine. It might have been a bad one.

Or somebody took it and stuck it in their butt and then put it back in. Well, we said maybe Sirius is trying to kill us. Yeah, they might have been trying to take me out. Yeah, well they need a reason to pay for these cameras. What cameras? We have cameras? Yeah, these right here.

Where's Paco? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I need Paco here. That's my favorite. We gotta have to hire him to hack into these cameras if we're running. That's my favorite, when they call they go, they fired the video team.

I went Paco? They said no, the video team. There's a video team here? Why are we paying for our own videos? What are they gonna do with all these, like okay, all these cameras, all this TriCast, all this room, this video, there's a television studio here. What are they gonna do with that?

Well, I'd say mortgage it so you could pay Call Her Daddy without a lawsuit. That's how I would play it personally. You're gonna have to fucking sell this shit on the secondhand market. We're gonna have to get these 4Ks out there. Maybe I'll throw them in my studio. If they paid her.

You think they'll give them to me just to have them out of here? There's no one using them. We could cut them. They're such expensive, high powered cameras for zero use. It's crazy. There's a control room for them. We could cut them. They're such expensive high powered cameras for zero use. It's crazy. There's a control room for them. They're $10,000 cameras. They're in every single studio on this floor and I've never seen them used. Yeah. Why did you hire, fire a team to get this stuff? The bay is upstairs by my office. Yeah, we got to have an estate sale here. Here's what me and Bobby figured out though, through talks.

They said they did big layoffs over here at CRS exam. It's happened several times throughout my career, so I can only assume me and Bobby as talent are super, super necessary here. We are locked in. I think we basically hold the ball in our court. And I told you, my first negotiation, $124 million. And I'll let you know that my manager has put that offer in

for us to come back for $24 million. I'll tell you guys, Jacob, stop typing for one second, everyone gets a million a year if me and Bobby get our $124 million. Now before you get excited or warm In the heart too much. How do you feel it's never gonna happen? You're getting a million a year what are you gonna buy with that First yeah a hat

Probably a hat. Yeah knows me and then the boots and then the boots and then and then a knife and then a horse Yeah, you don't want to go to stuff when you get to the ranch you're gonna buy You want to have that stuff when you get to the ranch you don't want to look like a jerk off You do not want to when you get there Maybe a good thermos. I got my tailor picked out and everything Jimmy actually put me in touch with his guy Oh, that's where you're gonna be a gentleman rancher. I say we're gonna... There's two Jacobs. There's the English countryside

and then there's the American West Jacob. Let me tell you something, someone who maybe has some insight on this or a little closer to, the million dollars a year is not gonna get you all those things you're talking about. I don't know if you know how taxes work or anything, but no, no, no. I sure do.

You're gonna have to pick a rancher or English countryside. You can flourish in either one of those worlds, but you're gonna have to pick one lifestyle. I would pick English. A million dollars a year isn't a two lifestyle wage anymore. If I can throw my... England's not doing too well these days.

I would say you're more England than rancher. Don't say that, that's not true. I would say that you would flourish more. I agree, we've said this. You're more England than Don't say that. That's not true. I would say that you would I agree. We've said this. You're more dandy than tough guy. Yeah. I didn't like that at all. No, no, but it's good. You're gonna be such a good dandy though. Yeah, you're a dandy. You're a dandy, dude.

Your Sunday day house tie. Raise your hand if you worked on a horse farm for an entire summer. You're lying, Bobby. I worked on a farm with horses for an entire summer. Bobby, you didn Bobby. I worked on a farm with horses. For an entire summer. Bobby, you didn't work on a farm. Bobby, you gotta say it from the diaphragm if you want us to believe it. All right, let me do it again.

You trailed off on that, you understand? I threw up all night, and I shit all night. Dinosaur. And I worked at a farm in Rochester, New York. I know. And they had horses and cows and sheep and peacocks. Did you go there and cry recently? No, I did.

I thought a guy took you there and you cried. You know what, I told you that in our fucking cone of silence. Was it? Yeah, well no, but I thought you wouldn't bring it up on air that I was emotional. He took you to the farm where you got beaten and raped by the ranchers.

No, I didn't. Because you were a bad kid. I was not getting beaten and raped, she was a lesbian. Bobby, Bobby. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't my fault because it didn't. She was lesbian Bobby. It wasn't your fault It wasn't my fault cuz it didn't happen Bobby. It wasn't your fault. I didn't get raped. Now. She gave me your number How do you like them apples? I? Just I only speak to Boston people in lines from good will hunting you really are all that in a bag of chips It's they're right about you words out

Word is out. Dude, Jacob, I say we buy him a picnic basket that turns into a table for his Dandy weekends. Okay, that's Dandy. What do you think, Jacob? Get off your stupid computer and talk to us. I have to type in the mocking things that you're saying about me. What'd you type in, Dandy Jacob?

That's a good bit. What are you making me? That's good for the, I'm seeing that on my computer screen. I'm calling I see my computers or not my computer my My little screen in the car and I see it the bonfire XL station dandy jacob. I love it When I have to cut the I do the edit the best of the week for Fridays So I edit Wednesday and Thursday and then so I'm going through my notes. Mm-hmm And then I'll come across something like this

I'll see Jay calls Jacob a dandy. I just go like this in my apartment But there's no reason to go like that, Jacob. Jacob, one half of you yearns to be a dandy. No, you're, it's not, dandy is, you don't know the definition of a dandy. Yeah? You taking Jimmy Carr as your first pick in a group street fight? Jimmy Carr's not a dandy.

Jimmy Carr is an English gentleman. A dandy is a guy who dresses out loudly, colors, that's not me. I'm a rugged English countryside yeah but English is not funny or Dan calling you a dandy's fun it is funny because it's funny because it hurts yeah like loud jerk-off yeah we talk about Jacob this is what you want to do you think this guy doesn't use a brush to shave he does

Go back go down. This is give me this description. You're dandy as a man who places particular importance upon physical appearance personal grooming refined language and leisurely hobbies Jacob you are by definition a dandy I've always been classic attire Your definition might be different from the actual definitely you're wrong doesn't but this is from your No, it's classical Gentlemen dress that's timeless that doesn't change. My dress is, I could buy it. You're arguing with the definition of a word. Yeah, almighty Google knows best.

You got burned? She pulled up something you didn't like? I guess I don't like this either. No, Bobby ate fucking sausages, I guess. He's stabbing both of us in the back today, Jay. Guys, I'm just, it's true. Talk to your woman. I'm the messenger.

Jay, he's not acting very dandy-like right now. This isn't dandy at all. This is very aggressive. This is abusive stepfather. Western Ranch, Jacob. You're freaking Bobby out. You're taking him back to the farm, Bobby. Yeah.

It wasn't your fault. Are you sure? It wasn't your fault at all. It wasn't your fault at all. You went to that farm to get better. And those people, you were a boy and he was a man. Make sure Bobby gives you the number for that handyman, Jason, since you won't be able

to fix a thing in your house when it breaks. Oh, shit. Not wrong about that. Shots fired for you. Although I've really been batting around the idea of changing a doorknob on a closet. I think I'm gonna nail it. A dandy, a man unduly devoted to style, neatness the style need that's the opposite of me then why it's not style

What fashion what it's I'm not into fashion. I'm into classes Styles and say fashion is a style style Particular style. Yes, you like a style. No, why are you fighting this if you could have an English accent you would This is the only thing keeping you from realizing your full dandiness My Look, there's all the things we can call you a fop a bow a man about town a bright young thing a glamour boy Oh, I like that. I dress like you want to know my style flop. No flop Glamour boy, What's that movie?

With the... Fuck. To Wong Fu? No, it's the English...the guy they go into the clothing shop, becomes spies. Spies, I guess? No, it was just a couple of years ago. They've done two jerk-off sequels to it. Kingsman?

Kingsman. Kingsman attire is my attire. That's not Dan D. That's jerk-off sequels to it. It's called... Kingsman? Kingsman. Kingsman attire is my attire. That's not Dandy. I swear to you, all my life, I thought you were going to go, Kingsman attire is Dandy. That's not my thing. That couldn't be more Dandy than Kingsman. No, Dandy is loud and colorful.

There's not one description of Dandy that says loud and colorful. You're thinking like, fruity. Listen to what it says. Yeah, Dandy's a fruit. His floppy handkerchief and antique cufflinks gave him the look of a dandy. I would never dress like that. You would absolutely wear beautiful cufflinks. Antique? I'd like cufflinks. Yes! Why are you fighting being a dandy? I didn't make the word. J? J? Cufflinks don't make you a dandy. J? This is very undandy like behavior and I don't like it. Yeah.

You're not getting a million. Get back to dandy, would you? I don't say we give him a million because he's not ready for it. I'm not dropping a mil on a dandy. Fuck that. You know what? Jacob, do you like shoes with laces or just slip ons?

Wait, what was the question? A slip on shoe. You heard the question, so I'm thinking which answer is less dandy. Laces. Laces answer is less dandy Laces that's dandy Would you like a shirt that fits perfectly with buttons? Or it'd be an oversized sweatshirt on oversized sweatshirt with a gay saying on it Okay, but I can't wear that I look like a jerk off with that why the fire shots over here

That's me and you we were super stuff. Oh, we do it I do it over oversized sweatshirts with stupid show. That's not that's below our age. Yeah, we're both I'm 54 I had a Fucking hoodie with me on it going you wear charts. Yeah, you're fucking 50. Yeah, okay Basically 50 you wish it was you died in 47 again Not 50 You wish it was. You died at 47 again. Shut up. Shut your mouth. 47 is not 50, asshole. 47 is still awesome. Freshly 47. That's three more years.

I was a god at 47. You were a dandy. I still had all my neck parts. Yeah, and you're a dandy at 50-something. You're good. I can't wear oversized stuff because of my frame. I look like a jerk-off. You when you're you have to know how to dress for Your frame when you're a dandy

No for anybody right can I just say take a comment your frame is very dandy Yeah, did you have a did I pick this goddamn frame God gave you work on it? Yeah, no no, but I don't about your frame Your actual I have to work with what what I was cursed with Yes, wasn't the workout it wasn't it a dandy band workout wasn't it a name of it Oh my god, the dandy bands with the dandy band should be called dandy bands. Can we call our group the dandy band? Dandy bands because oh man, my legs are killing me. I did a dandy band yesterday. But hearing him go like this. Ah! Yeah.

Oh! No. Lou, you're doing good. Lou, you keep your back straight. Ooh! You're doing good, Lou. Sweat it out. Come on, Trinity.

Ah! Ah! Here's where it gets hard, Lou. But stick to it. Ah! That's right. Ah! I had a trend on the volume.

A guy came into the gym at the hotel. I had a trend on the volume a guy came into the gym at the hotel was like I said this guys on it they moan a lot on the video and him going three guys there was guy moaning and then those you could hear Jacob well you know I just squatting and staring at the screen my recorded voice is a horror to me so when I have to hear it back it is It sounds higher pitch to me than What a job you took for that I didn't know I was gonna be on air I Thought I was gonna be behind the scenes pulling the strings. This is a dandy plan from a long time ago

This is your dandy plans your whole dandy plan from a long time ago. This is your dandy plan. Your whole dandy plan. One day, I'll present them my dandy plan. I do the workout for Lou because I could do it on my own, but I want him to benefit from this. Right. It's a Yankee Doodle dandy, like exactly what I'm gonna be. Did you know Jacob wanted to adopt? Oh my God. I didn't ask for that to adopt? Oh my god.

I didn't ask for that to be on the air yet. Oh sorry. You would love to dress like Jimmy Cagney in Yankee Doodle Dandy. Jimmy Cagney is wearing, I can't tell, but it's a classic gentleman's attire. Well except for the best I would never wear that. I like that. He's the Yankee Doodle Dandy. I wouldn't dress like that. He's the dand Doodle Dandy. I wouldn't dress like that.

He's the dandiest of the doodles. Yes you would. And you'd hit women like him too. Also you'd probably slap chicks around because that's okay where you're from. Your clothes are from. I'm English countryside sometimes. You can slap a bitch there. James Bond in Skyfall when he's on the Skyfall Ranch.

Look at that. That's my look. Yeah. Well you'd mush a girl in the face if she got whippy with you. Well yes. You'd push her right into a mud puddle with hogs in it. That's my look, Christine. You'd mush a girl in the face if she got whippy with you. Well, yes. You'd push her right into a mud puddle with hogs in it. That's right. That's what happened on the English countryside. And you go, see?

You don't talk to me like that, see? Now get up and get dinner ready. You're gonna tend to the sheets. I'm gonna iron my bow ties. Well, Bobby already said it, so. What? I'll get into it. I'll tell you what I told him.

I probably shouldn't have said nothing. I apologize. I, he, Jacob, I brought this thing in where they were, I don't know, there was a video I sent in the thing that never got pinked, cause you know, Christine doesn't want to pink me. But we- Did we go over it?

Wow. It gets pinked when we go over we're going over it now Okay, so now you can bring it up if you can find it on your thing Where they were bringing girls in or kids in line of you saw it where they were walking through a pageant line for adoption It was so creepy. I heard of and so and I found out that Jacob is thinking of adopting. You are? Yeah.

I've always wanted to be a dad and didn't work out, so I'm trying to start looking into it. You're not gonna pass the psychological evaluation. How do you know? Someone's gonna just send you, someone's gonna have to live with a dandy in an apartment? I don't think so, buddy. Well, I've been.

This kid's already been through enough. Get a film. Trying to... He's gonna be staring at fucking Titanic posters while you make him do sit-ups all night. I want to win. Well, it's worse than you think. You want a little girl so you can dress her in finery.

I do want a girl. Aw. So I was looking into adopting a little girl. How little? Well, no way, any anyway you cut it something maybe something Maybe something Russian in 19 or 20 you have to pick this pretty good. You're not far off from what happened If you go to if you go too young or too old You're gonna fuck it. You're gonna fuck it. So you gotta pick. No, I'm not, so you're turning the sinister.

It's only gonna be sinister if you go too young or too old. Too young or too old, you're fucking it. So you can go. You gotta get in the sweet spot. What any age you're gonna say is the gross age. I'd say get an ugly fat kid. An ugly fat girl. You'll be safe then.

Yeah, well. Stand up, turn around, and bend over. But then I'm gonna. Well that's not how you get a kid right after school with Jacob. But I'm gonna judge. I'm gonna judge because I keep this body in. Oh, look at this.

We should send him there. America's shocking trade in unwanted children. They have a so all the parents come and they have to walk through and give a little twirl and you know and they get to pick. It's a disturbing underground trade. They got a pretty public gymnasium for this though. They make a lot of money

This is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen that they made kids do this. Jacob I would love for you to go to this auction 45 we got a black kid going 45 45 45 Indonesian kid going over a very smart math in a way what I did is worse But watch this first, and I'll tell my horror story. Oh no. Here you go, watch this. A pizza is a very special and very sweet. This is obscene.

They're making these kids do a fashion show like thing and they have, and they're like an auction, I would say a slave auction. Oh. With the kids. I mean, it's an auction for people. It's a sex slave auction. Oh, it's different. You're right.

I apologize. Thank you. I apologize. It's a sex slave. They're gonna make these kids work. I know, dude. They're gonna fuck. I mean, they're gonna make them W-E-R-K work. Work!

They're gonna have fun. Some of them. And they're making them walk up and down in front of all these people. It is kind of humiliating. The kids also are like, they're like, kind of trying to put on a show. Well, because, yeah, but the people.

Would you rather grow beaten or molested? Both. No. No. I would rather, good question. Now, if beating makes you cum, it's kind of like both are happening at the same time. Wait, by who?

Huh? By who? By your parents, both? Not by somebody who's not direct family. Like a stepdad. Stepdad. A stepdad thing, would you rather be, yeah, let's take incest off the table.

Why? Beaten or molested. OK, yeah. No incest. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to fuck somebody I know. Yeah. Just a new guy. And it's yeah. Yeah, I don't want to fuck somebody. I know yeah, just a new guy

And it's gonna be a guy if you're gonna say beaten or molested by a girl You're gonna say molested every time you say yeah, of course he goes. Yeah, but I'm saying you're seven years old you like yeah still Sucker titties in a bush. I'll figure it out. I would say beaten. I'd rather get beaten Really? I'd rather get beaten. Really? I'd rather take a beating, because at least you learn how to take a beating. Yeah. I don't want to have to see.

But maybe you can learn how to suck cock. Yeah, but I don't want to be in. You're not going to make money for taking a beating when you're older, but you will make money for sucking cock when you need drugs. But I can fight. I can take a beating and learn how to fight. But if I don't want to be in like a Whole Foods

later in life and see some guy who looks like that guy and then have that trauma and then just cry. What? I don't wanna smell cologne and be like, that's the cologne he wore. Oh my God, yeah. Like a blackout memory? Yeah.

I wonder if I ever had any of those. If I just had one day someone just says something and I go, oh my God, my family used to gang bang me. Yeah, I don't. It's like stretching stretch your eyes. Ah! Alright, let's see this auction. I don't want to smell a certain cologne and be like, ehh.

Aspen. That's what did it to me. Canoe. It's not your fault. Brute 44. Fahrenheit. He used to wear Brute 44, the guy Billy used to beat the shit out of me. How did you know that?

Did you use to have to kiss his neck while he beat you? Sometimes we kissed but it wasn't like he didn't ask me to do it I just did it because I you know, I figured like hey man, this will calm down Tell you what that's a ball That'd be a balls ass move if your stepfather's beating the shit out of you and you just keep trying to French kiss him the whole time He eventually will stop beating you up or he'll beat you to death No in between either way She's gonna go, all right, stop! Wow. It's a parade.

Like no other. Did she walk him out on leashes? Holy shit, she ain't... Jacob, go ahead. You can adopt her. You can have that, Jacob. No, adopt her. Look, she's ready for the ranch, dude.

I realized how awful I am. Well, I'll get to it later. You won't take her. You won't take this kid because she's fat and ugly? You piece of shit. I don't want that one. I don't want that one. I don't want that one.

I don't want that one. I don't want that one. I don't want that one. I don't want that one. I don't want that one. I don't want realized how awful I am. Because, well, I'll get to it later. You won't take her, you won't take this kid because she's fat and ugly? You piece of shit. I didn't hear what they have to say.

Doesn't matter, she's unwanted and she's a little girl. She's right. We gotta see what else she's got going on. She might have some more skills than Jacob and Myers. Go ahead. Poor kids. Where's... Alicia is a very special and very sweet young lady who is looking for her forever family.

Nice. She describes herself as honest and humble. It's a parade like no other. Abandoned children desperately selling themselves to win over a new family. Next. And you start. Too high maintenance. She also likes drawing and drawing arts and crafts. She also likes drawing. I like her.

She looks like she reads and bakes. Jacob, you'll molest that one, Jacob, not that one. I hate these people, these families over there. Why do you hate them? Why? They just want to take them, they want to see, they want to check them out first, see what they work with.

Check the merchandise. Then you go backstage and look at their gums and teeth, and then you decide you're going to take them home. See if they have a firm grip. Count their fingers and toes. You can't just buy something. You just buy something out of the gate and not even look at it. What the fuck, and then you decide you're gonna take them home. See if they have a firm grip. Count their fingers and toes. You can't just buy something out of the gate and not even look at it. What the fuck, do you want me to take it for a run?

Yeah, dude. This is disgusting. You gotta bring it home, you gotta molest it, beat it, see if it says something. The fact that these kids have these plastered smiles on, you know they're miserable. I don't think they're miserable at all. I think they're happy.

I think they love it. They're out of whatever fucking box they were keeping them in. Yeah. Here, put on these old clothes. Yeah. Try to look, try to look. I think they're happy. I think they love it. They're out of whatever fucking box that we're keeping them in Here put on these old clothes. Yeah Try to look try to look he goes put it on for these fellas ladies. You want to get in these houses this age? To find a perfect match Okay, Jacob, let me talk about this one. We just said little gork with cornrows there scribe a little bit

Black tiny with cornrows. Okay. Here's what I'm saying. Could be the next Angel Reese though. You have no idea. You could train that little black girl to be the best soccer player in the world. Or, I've already thought of that. I know you have.

He can't be with her. Why? This little black girl? I wanna produce the next Sophia Smith. You're gonna be like, is this your dad? He goes, is that Dandy, your dad? Yeah. I don't know why he wear ties on a Tuesday.

That's not a boy. That's a girl. No, no. Yeah. He's just going to scalp her. Why? That's how black girls talk. That's his type.

He would wind up. He wouldn't be able to fight it. He's going to molest a little cornrows black girl? Jacob's not going to fight it, dude. And I don't blame him. You're right. She's about four years. I didn't want to do this because he's going negative. I'm not negative. I'm just saying. This girl's about four fight it dude, and I don't blame him. You're right, she's about four years. I didn't wanna do this because he's going negative.

I'm not negative, I'm just saying. This girl's about four years, Jacob, from having a very athletic body that you'd be impressed by. That doesn't do anything from four years. She'll be at Skankfest, really cute, photos, and then the next year it'll be like, and then the next year it'll be like,

hey, where's Jacob and Letitia? Oh, they went out to dinner. They went out to dinner, yeah. Yeah, they're going out to dinner. No, it's like the perfect. Take my went out to dinner. What? Yeah, they're an item now. Yeah, he took her out to dinner. No, it's like the- I take my daughter out to dinner, because she's 10. Four years imagine. How nice that you can go to a banquet and come home with a child. That's pretty great.

You're going to get that dumpy chick with a potbelly and the overalls. I think you get the fat one with the overalls. I think you whip her in the shape, you make her worth something, but she's always going to be pretty ugly facial. She's always going to be indebted to you cuz you dandied her right up Yeah So even when she comes in confused in the middle of the night and tries to have sex with you because she's so fucked up mentally From what she's been through including this pageant. You're not gonna be tempted cuz you're like, no you're fat No, you're gonna make her leave and then she's gonna be like daddy dandy and then she'll run off to her room and cut cut herself

But you're gonna be like you she's gonna be like, that's not very dandy of you. That wasn't dandy of you, goes, I didn't wanna see ranch daddy, I wanted to see dandy daddy. Go ahead, let's see the next ones. This woman's like, taking a picture of her to send to her husband or something. Yeah, you're like, look at this one.

Yeah, he makes the decision, you think he's gonna buy a game? What if the husband writes back, just goes, little lighter. Yeah. Just like, ah goes little lighter? Little lighter wink younger Now there's already grass on that field Oh Randolph Okay, Michaela you look

That's funny. They showed the cute little black girl and all the black ladies who have taken pictures of it Why can't the white ladies get the little black girl? dressing tragic Legal this was for you. There's one for you Jacob. It's blurred out. I saw it. Yeah, you did didn't you? Yeah, the one holding the thing the smile. Yeah She's a pig. Oh my You don't say it to the one you don't take. You gotta be nice to Oliver. All of this breaks my heart.

Why? Because you can't have them all? Because you can't have them right now. Took you into Schindler's List? He wants them all right now and he can't. Oh these cameras in the studio, that could have been two more children off the black market. All Jacob wants to do is be at a park spinning with children around him in the park and birds

landing on his fingertips. I get them all Christine reach out to this company. Let him know we'll take them all bundle package it Throw it in there in a million a year, dude. You can afford it. This is fine That's why I've started look because I know that when you guys negotiate this killer deal Yeah, even if it's one one even if it's One tenth of caller daddy. We're all gonna be doing well. We're all gonna be doing what can't tell you this I'll take it even further If me and Bobby get

Let's get rid of the 24 100 million dollars right? Yeah, you guys are still gonna get a million dollars each Wow. I think that's Wow That's 25 dollars 25 mil off Wow. I think that's... Wow. That's 25 mil off our bottom line. That's true. Wow, that's fucking generous of you. Me and Bobby, I don't know if you know, are taking a major financial hit there.

You guys will take no hit. You guys will stay the same at one million dollars a year if me and Bobby only get to, and I said it's my lowest negotiation, $100 million. Yeah. That's why you're all that in a bag of chips. Thank you. Hey, I say.

Now Jim, Big Jim said we're getting close. Are we getting close? Yeah, I say we're getting really close. Negotiations are going well. So we're just getting close. I'll tell you what, we're closer to the offers that they're coming in with seem closer to 100 million than 125 million. If we're going price is right rules. The offers that they're coming in with seem closer to a hundred million than a hundred and twenty five million

If we're going prices right rules Why don't price right rules there's they're seeing it closer down to the other side of a hundred million I'll tell you this Jacob. I'm gonna go on further and Bobby now. I know I'm talking out of school This is beyond what me and you've even discussed if we get 90 million dollars Everybody in this room gets a million dollar salary. You're crazy. On top of your on top of your series XM salary. They still get their salary. Oh we still get our salaries? You still get your salaries. So that's now you're always gonna have make 1 million twenty seven thousand dollars a year. Remember when you said you're not far off?

Jacob think of how many children you could adopt and molest and beat is this over is that it? I don't think so. Oh, there's more we should buy one of these kids for him for Christmas next year Oh, can we get a studio kid? Yeah, just like one we keep in the studio. Yeah, we'll find a little like a little closet We can keep him in. Yeah Well, yeah, well, I think we should get the fat redheaded girl Honestly, I think we should the fact is because we starve her no one's gonna tell for a little closet where you can keep them in? Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, well, I think we should get the fat redheaded girl, honestly. I think we should get the fat girl, because if we starve her, no one's gonna tell for a little bit. I like that little book reading sweater

wearing one with the ascot and the- With the purse? Yeah. With the long hair? Yeah, she looks like she knows how to like, you know- She looks like Irene Cara. Yeah, but she looks like she knows how to do accounting and keep things organized.

I'm telling you, my white skills are not gonna be able to figure out her hair. Her hair every day is gonna be an ordeal. I'll just be like, she's gonna scream while I'm combing it and then everyone's gonna yell. You know what you're right, for practicality reason, ease ability, we get that little chubby rag

because she doesn't even shower. No, that chubby rag, we're gonna blow her mind with like table food. It's gonna really fucking freak her out. I don't know what she's fucking, I don't know what's going on with her stomach. Look at her, she ate a bowl of circles. Oh, I legitimately thought she might be pregnant. She's a little fatty. She's carrying low, which means it's a boy. It's a package deal. That is funny. You guys want to adopt this

raped pregnant redhead? Oh, God. We don't know what the baby's gonna look like, but it's a, roll the dice. Jacob, you could raise the redhead and we'll take the baby as a studio kid. How about this? Yes. We give him the choice. He can take the kid with the baby when it's bored.

You can make the choice whether you keep the kid, the baby, or you give us the kid. How's that? You can eat, cause what if the baby comes out and it's good looking? Yeah, and what if you're like, you're a pop-up. You're like, oh god, I'm a pop-up. Boy or girl, call it the bonfire.

It's a girl. What the name? Oh, name a bonfire? Yeah, the baby, yeah. Yeah, I like that. Or spark. Spark. Why spark? Because it grows into a bonfire.

Becomes a fire. Can't start a fire without a spark. This comes for hire. Do you guys not even know Classic Boss? Sorry, that was more for me and DJ Lou. A couple of Jersey fucking boss guys. I got it. Yeah? Yeah. Okay. DJ Lou a couple of Jersey fucking boss guys Yeah, yeah

I said shit I Was wondering if I did I'm good. Okay. I thought I might have to something was going on I'll tell you don't fart today. I can't I might even say this for my own like personal thing I'm saying like don't there's there's something behind it. Don't trust it. Oh, I cannot trust it. I almost did it last night, and I caught it the last second. And- Did you do a squeeze cheek walk? Squeeze cheek walk to the bathroom. Was it on your cheeks?

It was on my cheeks. So it started to- But I had the bidet, so I was very grateful for that. And the heated floors, God came in. Thank God. I'm getting ready to a bidet commitment that I don't know if I'm ready for. You got to, buddy, it's so good. Show them the ones we got. I'm getting ready to a bidet commitment that I don't know if I'm ready for. You got to buddy, it's so good.

Show them the ones we got. I saved my ass last night. So many of these are good. If I didn't have a bidet last night, I wouldn't be able to come in because my asshole would be so swollen. I've definitely, when I have bathroom problems for sure, because I go so hard, I'm so worried about cleanliness,

like that there is by the second day of that happening, my asshole, it does, it feels feels like it feels inflamed inflamed Those days are over the end of a hunt for red October Welcome to the new world sir. Well, we'll see do you got it? It's the BB 2000 or something My bidet has a my bid bidet, my bidet's, I got all the same one. Yeah. And I don't know, we're gonna see.

This one's high rated. Did you get the light? Hmm? Does it have a light in the seat? What do you need a light in the seat for? What do you need a light in the seat for? Because when you go to pee in the middle of the night, there's a blue light in some of the toilet.

I'm gonna have that, maybe, but I'm gonna have that light overhead you told me to get. You get that, but when you walk into the bathroom at night, my bidet, blue light, so you know where you're pissing. Mine knows if it's me or Christine, and it'll say, hello, Jason. I never thought of that, but I love that, Bobby. I don't know if it's true.

That's not true. It's not true. Do you have a, do you have a? Christine, bring up my bidet. Do you have a heat, heated water? Yep. Heated seat? Yep.

Do you have self-cleaner? Yep. Do you have air freshener? Do you have air dryer? What is self cleaner? Like the nozzle cleaner? Yeah, it cleans itself. All of them do that. Not all of them.

Tushi doesn't. Yes it does. No it doesn't. Don't talk to me like that. That's what I have. Is that what you think is happening? You're just leaving a dirty thing never cleaning it I clean the bowl every week on top of good luck adopting a child with that kind of conditions

Yeah, you have your to she like standing up straight so you can sit on it the BB 2000 just look that up today What's she doing? I don't know fuck. We were vamping she fucking uh She's broke found out that sausages the sh shove a sausage up my ass in two seconds Yeah, we're fucking scamp fest shirt password, and I can't find the order I though I said the BB 2000 Remote control for the toilet. Yes, can you click it so we can see the things it does you never remote on you bidet? You have to actually what what do you do? Bobby? Let me read you the feature list, please.

Oh my god, yes. Hybrid warm water. Ooh, yes. Which means, the hybrid warm water means it never isn't warm. No, right. It doesn't run out. I don't know if it means that, but yes.

I'm pretty sure. It does that. Heated seat. Yep, great. Warm air dryer. Love that. Stainless steel nozzle. Adjustable water pressure, adjustable nozzle position.

Night light. Night light, you need that. When you pee in the middle of the night. Slow closing seat and lid. Oh, that's the best too. Deodorizer. Love that. Seat sensor.

Yep. Wireless remote. Vortex wash. Ooh, what's that? Damn, man. I don't have that, what is that? Let's find out. Oh, you don't have that?

Let's find out, what's the? You don't have vortex? You don't have any of it. But you don't have vortex. I don't have that. What is that? Oh, you don't have that. What's the you don't have any of it? But you don't have vortex. I don't know. I might just be if you're old man. I know I know you don't you don't have any of it Right because I live in a hovel in Astoria with rats. Yeah Get my million. I don't know all changed that means come for me I don't know why you're attacking me about not having vortex half that millions coming from you, but I will say this also I'm just you know these negotiations. I see going on for the better part of four and a half years No, not that I didn't want to see the video I just there was another thing of Liz all right the nightlight Well, what is the remote like are you gonna walk around here a remote to that? I'm coming in now

I'll be there in a minute Jacob., I'll tell you, you're sitting down and you can just push the button. You don't have to look on the side and look over your fat hip. Pulsation, nozzle oscillation. Wow. Hold the remote though, because then he's getting duty on the remote.

There's a clock. You're not getting duty on your remote. And a power saving mode. Go down, Christine, please. That's great. See what the old good customer reviews, this thing's, I wanna know what the fuckin' I want that one, I mean.

You want this one? This sounds great. Why would you want a remote? You get duty on it, why would you need that? Because I'll take it, I'll learn to live with it. I'm not saying it's bad, I just don't understand. What you're saying is bad. Why don't you stop bitching, maybe you'll get one.

Huh? Okay, all right. Point taken. I don't know what the vortex thing is. I think I love fighting with Jacob. I'm trying to find a YouTube video that, what is it, Vortex Wash? A YouTube Vortex Wash in the butt.

Vortex Wash bidet, what does it mean? Smell my dude. I think it just swirls it around. God, I hope so. Yeah. I hope it vortexes my asshole. Because I'm not gonna be using wipes and it's freaking me out.

You have to use wipes still. I still use one wipe at the end. No, you can't use wipes. You have to use toilet paper. I use wipes or toilet paper, but I use hemorrhoid wipes. But you don't have a septic tank. I do.

You have a septic tank. I throw them in the barrel. Ew! Don't do that, you animal. I wrap them in toilet paper. It doesn't matter. What? You're throwing doo-doo in a trash can at your house.

Do you know how the rest of the world lives, Jay? What does that mean? I'm saying that- Take a shower by fucking elephant trunk. The rest of the world in Europe don't fucking use bidets or whatever, and they don't have, they don't have, they can't throw their. I know, and they shit in their bathroom, and Japan shits like they're playing catcher.

It doesn't mean anything. Roll it up and stick it in the barrel. They can't flush the toilet paper. Right, welcome to the first world. You don't have to do that. Don't do that. That's what America's the best. What? But you, I'm saying it's not a big deal I did in Cuba

it's a big deal it says every septic tank I've ever seen says don't throw anything in don't throw it in the throat you wrap it up do you thing that's crazy I'm willing to take a half a million dollar pay cut here to tell Jay you don't don't you you don't need wipes, the whole point is to not need wipes anymore. It's, you're defeating the whole purpose of getting him a day. Jacob, you know what?

If Bobby pulls this $500,000 from you, I'm gonna fucking match that five of them and make sure you get to that million. Hang on one second. Just for some shit like that. Hang on one second. Jacob. Right.

I'm not gonna pull my five. I'm actually gonna say thank you because you made a valid point. I don't need to use anything except the bidet and a little toilet paper to tap it off the wetness. So I'm gonna stop. Thank you, Jacob. I appreciate it.

That was big. It was big. That was a hell of a roll. Bobby always sometimes, he gets me off guard. I do. Because you defuse and I'm not used to that. I defuse and therefore I use.

There's a chance today I get these. I'm going to have to call that week out of work. I'm going to be so into this. A vortex wash refers to a particularly strong high pressure water stream designed to provide a more thorough clean, often used to help with stubborn bowel movements or constipation by loosening hardened stool now I'll tell you this why I'm excited about that. I have been training myself in The shower whenever I have a shower that has a like my shower in my apartment's You know the shower head you could take off and so wand wand it's called the wand. Thank you

I have a wand there Wand. It's called the wand. Thank you. I have a wand. There's three settings in that wand. One's lower pressure, one's higher pressure, but all the streams, and then one's a couple that kind of like shoots. It's like the third one is the one that looks like, it looks like.

I didn't laugh at my fucking joke, yapping asshole. You had a good joke and you stepped on it. I was telling a story. I know, but I'm jumping into something. I was stepping on his laughs. It looks like the Death Star when it shoots. Like all three, the Death Star, you know, it was like three lasers go in the wand.

On the... yes! On the wand. But it doesn't necessarily come into one. They just cross over to point, and I've gotten good at finding that crossover point and getting that right against my asshole. Like, it's a distance. You got to spread your butt cheeks open. I've gotten good at finding that crossover point and getting that right against my asshole. Like it's a distance, you gotta spread your butt cheeks open.

And then I try to make my butt hole like, like kinda, like. Buddy, this is crazy. And then I'm like, so I think I'm, so a vortex wash seems like. Can I just say something? I'm just gonna get in the shower and soak my finger and just fuck my ass for a couple seconds.

I'm not gonna worry about all the this is crazy that you say this fluff Yeah, I did the same thing with my shower head my old one Yeah, had the three beams the Death Star beings and you have to find the cross That's where the pressure is most pressures and then I taught my butthole to open up Like a like a like a dolphin hole right to accept this except the stream now I got the new one I got the colder one and it stinks there's no Death Star beam it has a mister it has the thing then the thing and then the mister with a death the Death Star beam you don't need a Death Star beam with these toilets it it seems. No, I know, but it'll rock.

My Death Star Beam, though, I do like, I'll tell you what, Death Star Beam in a hotel, actually a hotel sometimes, like the alofts and stuff will have the wand that's like a long rectangle, and it just shoots out like, it's like two nozzles, it's like two sprayers down in a row. So it's like just long, and it's like two rows. Thin, right?

Thin and long. Yeah, you stick it right in your butt. And I put like just long, and it's like two rows. Thin, right? Thin and long. Yeah, you stick it right in your butt. And I put it right in my butt crack, and I just tit-fuck my ass crack with that, and just let the water just go up and down my ass crack. I do that a lot in alofts. So if you ever stay in a room after me, do not smell that fucking thing.

I stayed in an aloft last week in Kansas City. Did you fucking do it? You get up there, right? I love that they got tubs out of hotels and they have the stall shower stall With the wand a wand is nice right underneath I don't like when they make a decision in my hotel shower though. They're like, don't worry. This shower doesn't need a door I assure you it does all of them do do. Yeah, alofts do that. Yeah. There's no door.

There's no door on the shower. It's just part of it's open, part of it's not. Yeah, but the part that's open is the part where I'm standing getting hit by water going everywhere. I like an aloft though. I don't mind, I know it. Internet's always good. Room's consistent, bed's fine.

I'm a fan of an aloft. And I love that walk-in shower when it tickles you, you's consistent, bed's fine. I'm a fan of an aloft. And I love that walk-in shower when it tickles your shteminkia from behind. What is that? How does that happen? Your shteminkia. Penis?

Shteminkia. What do you get it from behind with what? With the wand. Oh, when you're riding up and down your ass crack, it does hit your ball bag. I wish they would put a little thing for your foot so you could keep your foot up. So I don't have to put it up on the wall to get.

Oh, so you go up on the wall? See, I don't do that. I do this. I get like this stance. Let me see. And I just go like that. Yeah, I don't do that. I do, I kind of get up on the wall.

I hunch over. I can't do it now because of my legs. I look like I'm trying to get butt fucked in public standing up. I look like I'm trying to dominate a male prison shower. I have my leg up and I go from behind Really? I like from behind but I pretend I pretend like I'm being washed by somebody Yeah, so I'm like going up my legs and then I go to my my my balls and I look whoo

And I pretend like oh you go easy, baby. There's plenty for I say dude, easy, baby, there's plenty for everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I say dude. Baby, baby. Easy, dude. Plenty for everything. Ryan, settle down, bud. All right, chill. Ryan.

Hey, dad. Hey. Everything OK over there, buddy? I thought you were a dandy. What a dandy. So yeah, well, well that vortex wash sounds like it's gonna change everything for me. Your life is gonna be awesome.

Black Lou. I wanna say you wanna stack this also with a squatty potty because that help it's open your ass up as well. Buddy, big thing. Essential. Squatty potty in my house. I got a squatty potty. If you don't raise your legs,

you're defeating the whole purpose. Why? It repositions your asshole. It does something really good. But can I say something? I didn't for a while and I know what type of professional ass guy you are with cleaning. And what they don't know what we've done over the years

is train our asshole to open up. We don't really need a squatty potty because we just have trained our assholes like Kung Fu. You don't need, listen. Taking a shit for me, dare I say, I know it's disgusting conversation. It is. But it really is my me time.

Remember what the Goonies said about down in the well? It's their time down there? That's my time in there. And I put on sports podcasts for the Sixers and Eagles nobody else wants to hear. And I have my laptop and I go through WorldStar and the nip slips of the day. And then more, and then I read Eagles and Sixers news,

maybe some online stuff I need to like look into buying maybe or something. And I just mill around the computer and it's just my time. How long? Oh, a good 45 minutes it could take. Now, I will say this. Squatty potty. I've never wanted to stop doing something quicker

in my life than taking a shit. I'm like, why am I sitting like this? Because it's helping everything go faster. You're not supposed to sit that long. The quicker, the better. It's my time. Yeah, but it's bad for your asshole. Yeah, you're supposed to sit like Vietnamese people

doing fireworks. That's right. That's how your. Yeah, you're supposed to sit like Vietnamese people doing fireworks. That's right. That's how your body was, we were supposed to squat. Yeah, squat all the way down. Right. Some type of dice game on the corner. But I don't have to do that now. Yeah.

That's the way you're supposed to do it, I agree with you. It's disgusting. But it is the way you're supposed to do it, they say. That's why I said the Japanese shit, they're playing catcher. They're squatted down completely, and they just let it. They're assholes two inches from the floor. I don't get it.

And they just shit into a hole or a little pile. I don't get it. But, um... If you're fully naked, too, you can't do it with your pants down. It's bizarre. It's nuts. But it's supposed to be the best. Right.

However, I think that now I have just paid to have a machine in my home that will not worry about my legs going up and just aggressively blast water at my ass until it all falls out. You gotta make sure you get good water pressure. Let's say this is the stream. Okay. Yeah. This is your asshole.

There it is. Bigger. I'm sorry. This is your asshole. Bigger. Where's my asshole on drugs? This is the bedaid stream and this is your asshole. If you put the squatty potty, it's repositioning it so your hole is going right dead center.

I understand what you're saying, but that can't be the only. It is. A bidet can't just be only in tandem with a squatty potty. Very few people I know have a squatty potty. I've taught my asshole how to wink over the years. Yeah. So I can open it

Yeah, catch the water goes in and shoots back down. This might surprise you I've taught my asshole in the recent weeks to whistle Dixie Now I know we've all had a little time apart and we did different things with our assholes. Me? I played it whistling Dixie No, I've got's squatty potty, a bidet has to be able to work with a regular seated asshole. Sure, but it's just, I'm telling you, the positioning is gonna make, you're actually gonna feel the difference. Also, I'm not afraid to lean forward, Jacob.

Get it. I'm not afraid to go fucking belly to thighs and really, if it's gonna help the water get up there. Huh? Test it for a week. Can you say belly to thighs, like a lie down on your, Sure. Like an angle.

If that's what I need to do to get the water up my ass. Like you're in the Olympics going down on a fucking, one of those bobsleds? Yeah. Really? Mm-hmm, you gotta lean forward. I expect that. Like a real, like this.

Dude. You can't poop like this? I expect that like a real like You can't poop like this Harvest that poop like that. I just never dare to do it and then the squatty potty will be doing it what it doesn't I'll be like this. I'll look back at it once in a while like ooh Who you dirty bitch? Now have you ever opened up your butthole with a bidet and then heard them? I've never been in a bidet. Oh, you've never used one? Never even tried one.

Buddy, when the water sound changes, when it goes shh. Oh, when it catches the hole? It's like this, right? I know what you're talking about. It's like this. Shhh. Right. You feel like a balloon should be growing on your head, like you hit the clown's mouth.

Yeah, it feels good. It feels real. They should put games in them. The clown mouth game, there should be a growing on your head. Like you hit the clown's mouth. Yeah, it feels good. It feels real. They should put games in them. The clown mouth game, there should be a balloon on your head. Yeah, like you push. They'll be good if a balloon pops behind you. They should put a game in the machine on the bidet. Christine, you want a bidet race?

Choose balloon pops first. Should go downstairs, you go downstairs, whoever can clean their asses first. Whoever gets the pop. Pshh, oh, finished. Those are nice bidets you got though. Are you excited, Christine? Are they?

That's my concern, I don't know what you think of their hands, right? No, they're great bidets. Those are fantastic. The best. I look at company, never heard of that company before. Well they have like, Nome just got the Toto. Yeah, I have Toto, I know.

Toto is 10 grand. And it's- Not for the seat. For the toilet. For the whole toilet. The toilet and- These are seat tops. Yeah, the seat, I know. Toto is 10 grand. Not for the seat. For the toilet. For the whole toilet. The toilet. These are seat tops. Yeah, the seat, I know that. So that one knows everything about you. When you walk up, the seat goes up.

When you leave, it goes down. It can tell you about your blood. It says Happy Hanukkah on Hanukkah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It knows everything. It says Jay's a genius. The seat tops aren't, man't That one's $5.94

I have that total seat tops I'll tell you what they say about the seat tops While I bring up ours, also Christine, the ones we got Because I'll tell you what, they say Bulky, and they almost Position you The way the top is on it, is to sit forward So it hits your asshole, I believe

Is what the tops do Because you have a seat top attachment, right, Jacob? This is the whole seat, the one I'm getting. Mine's an attachment, yeah. I got the toilet. You have the whole toilet. I got the toilet with the bidet. There's a Toto toilet that comes with the bidet,

but not the $10,000 one. You understand? Yes. But the one we got is very low profile on the side. It looks very much like a regular toilet seat. I would have rather taken yours. Yeah. Because mine goes up a little bit.

It's inclined so it's a little less comfortable I feel like. Yeah, I like yours. I read this one, best for the heaviest people. I always do that no matter what. Doesn't matter how much weight I lose. I'm still like, will it support? I've done math before. It's like this couch is so nice and it supports up to 750 pounds. I'm still like, will it support? I've done math before. It's like, this couch is so nice

and it supports up to 750 pounds. And I'm like, all right. What do I weigh? I'm like, let me think of some of my fattest friends. I just bought a treadmill that I couldn't have bought two years ago. That's wild, yeah. No, I'm saying those kind of things.

I remember like, not zip lining, I said one time, because they were like 280 pound limit. I was like, I don't know. I'm probably right there. Nah, you see the trees bending down as you're coming in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

What's it? The earth is bending to you. But yeah, so this is what, but I like that. I like that it's like almost a normal seeming toilet seat. A lot of those other seats really. Yeah, it's happening. Did you shit your pants? No. But you're gonna. Jacob, you fucking suck. What did I do?

Right. You're the resistance part of the resistance. Does this mean you can't run? You can't run the bathroom? I'm proud of you, Bobby. Look you can run the I'm proud of you Bobby look at him go I'm proud of you you put everything into it this guy's gonna do he's gonna do another live show here and then he's gonna go do stand up and then a podcast I think one shit day that's not me