The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Dane's Main Cookie

Episode Date: May 29, 2026

A conversation about music and The Doors leads to the topic of addiction. Jay wonders why alcohol doesn't have a hold on him the way it does the rest of the crew and wants Bobby to start smoking again. Jay and Bobby smoke cigarettes for the rest of the show and man, are they cool about it! | Dane Cook sent Jay a beautiful, heartfelt message that adds fuel to their bromance. Bobby is unhappy the way Jay used his name to communicate with Dane. | Everyone watched the MMA event with Ronda Rousey but it was disappointing for a few reasons. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And now, the Bonfire with Big J. O'Crison and Robert Kelly. Run with me. Hey, Bobby. Let's run. But a bing, you put two in the back of their brain. Oh. So good, Lou. That's a clip of Jacob hating Italians.

He does hate them Italians. He does. What's up, everybody? It's the bonfire. It's the lost tapes. Here is always slaying it. Face card always slaying the great Robert Kelly. Straight slays.

The baddies are back big time. What's up, baby? The baddies are way back, Bobby. It's so back. You love this show. Well, they were dicking around with some new bitches in the Dominican Republic. Get them out of here. I don't know these bitches.

The gals are back for Chapter 2, Badie's USA. What's the boy one, the gay one called? Bad boys. I lost, I stopped caring. It's just 15 of the same super effeminate gay guy and one straight guy who beat. them all up. It's just boring after a while. You let me know when they have Batty's trans I'm in. I want to see some...

If I told you... If I told you Badi's USA was all trans, you would just agree with you. You go, oh, oh, I'm an idiot. I didn't... Oh, I must not have seen that. That's what I want. I was see a bunch of hot trans going at it. Instead of boobs being pulled out, a nice slong sweeping out of a pair of panties. I love it. I'm Big J. Never the little one. Never the small.

Nope. What do they say? I'm Big J. I'm Big J. Never. it a little one i think they see that you guys don't watch the bad he's what i'm asking you for um weird the science is in um we're listening to that song that door song i said this to someone the other day when la woman came on um i know every improv and all those songs that jim morrison does you're have an easy answer to this question though it's pearl jam but is there a band for me it was the time i got into them the doors the time i got into them and how much i was into them and how much i was into them for that time. It's in my DNA.

I know every beep and boop the guy makes in the songs, the timing of it all. It's just in me. Do you have a band like that at all? Yeah. There's not a part of the song that I don't know exactly how he does it. The difference in the live one versus the recorded one. Yeah, Pearl Jam.

No, it's not Pearl Jam. You're stealing somebody's. You know that, right? There's a certain live version, you know, because the way he yells or screams something in it, right? Right, or he'll change a lyric or forget a lyric. And you know it, and you know all those spots. Yeah, I do.

Bobby, I feel like music just doesn't touch you that way. I love music. I was just thinking about this the other day. I swear to God, because Don and Max love music in the car. They always, he'll just play music. She'll always have music when I take her car. It's always got a fucking station on. I love music.

I just don't get into me. It's not my thing to know all the ins and the outs of the band. I love Arrowsmith. I love the cult. I love Led Zeppelin. I love, you know, I like fucking young blood. I like, I like music.

I love it. I just don't. Well, you were younger the time I'm saying. It has to catch you young. Whatever the things we're talking about. It didn't catch me in. No bands caught me to that level as the doors did when I was like 12 or whatever it was.

Yeah, same. And the thing is about Bobby is he doesn't listen to the same stuff over and over again. Like, I've listened to the same live versions of my favorite. If I love it, I'm going to keep listening and listening to the same shit. Yeah, no, I like different songs for different moods. When I'm driving in the car on the West Side Highway, I might throw in some, you know, mellow stuff. All you're doing, you're not answering the question, you're just describing how gay you are in the car. What I'm asking, was there in a band when you were younger?

Maybe the answer is no. First of all, you've, the one who made me gay in the car. the car of course with your songs yes i love when i drive with you it's an experience you understand you remind me of my old roommate larri rappucci a lot of people say that i got to tell you how many times people mistake me for larry rapucci it's insane look him up i thought about changing my name to the pooch yeah yeah larry rapoochie yeah at your service man i'm not arguing this anymore this guy must look a lot like me he uh he would he was so into music like you, when you did a road gig with him, he would make a tape, but he would DJ the tape.

So he'd go in his room with a microphone. Next up, we got the cult. This is Bobby's favorite. Next up, we got Looking Glass with Brandy. I thought the poochers are a fine girl. So he would, yeah, but he would do stuff like that. It wouldn't be the same. It would be all different songs for the road trip, but he would DJ it.

It's funny for sure to do that, but that guy definitely did not get pussy. No, he did not. Yeah, the pooch didn't get pussy. You should start doing that. That would be great if you started making people. I've offered to do it here at Sirius for borderline free, and they said, no, we're not allowed. And then I have to go, then I have to sit in the car with people and then go like this.

I go, hey, you want to know the next three songs after this song? And they're going to go, why? I go, because I was in the car yesterday. Yesterday I was in the car listening to the Out Rock Station. I know that after this comes this and then this, because they're just playing a loop. When they could have me in there fucking grooving, hitting a vape pen, fucking having fun they don't want it

you know what they said they're not paying DJ Lou right they don't care about talent that was their answer they said I'm not gonna pay DJ Lou this was back when DJ Lou

remember when DJ Lou was fun as shit yeah we just come here and get plastered no don't say that DJ you're fun you're fun now yeah well now he's so happy that we don't have to come in

and do this extra shift because it's not gonna be any fun now it's fun you're fun I know I'm fun because I've seen pictures you know memories come up on your phone

and every picture from like two years ago and beyond is like me going with a fucking beer in my hand. I'm like, that's kind of fun. Who is that fucking, I don't want to hang out that asshole. I do. I say the same back to Christine, dude. You were a fucking fun party until it goes haywire

and just for some reason you don't know how to make it go haywire. Yeah. You're one of the only ones and how does it keep it fun, you know? Why is that? Because you don't have the addictive gene. It's insane to say that. I smoke cigarettes nonstop. You don't have the ability to quit bad things.

I don't know to quit bad things, but something about booze just doesn't talk to me that much. Yeah, but you do things that aren't, you're addicted to music, you're addicted to cigarettes, you're addicted to things that kill you slowly. Music kills me? No. Music kills me? Yeah, you talk about him, he was addicted to booze and drugs, heavy drugs. You don't do heavy drugs.

You smoke pot, but you're addicted to it. Of course. But it's not going to kill you. You're addicted to music. That's a good thing. Your addictions are kind of okay. You know what I mean? Like Christine's addictions, not okay.

Right. Well, which ones? I mean, I'm not going to get into it because I don't want to out her, but I'm sure she did some stuff that wasn't good. It wasn't an addiction. It was just way too much Molly. Yeah, that's called. I hear you.

I'm not necessarily called an addiction. No, booze. But I don't even know if booze was your addiction. You just don't handle it good. I shouldn't. Which, by the way, just move yourself right into the fucking Gertrude's puzzle of every other chick I've ever met my entire fucking life. Oh, you have a type.

Like Taylor Sheridan. No. It's not even me. It's just observing the world. No one's good when they're fucking drunk. Huh? Couldn't Carla, like, throw him back? She could, and then sometimes she starts smashing something.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Sometimes she starts throwing up and whatever, and it'd be a thing. Shane is good when he's drunk. Shane, I mean, I've seen him drink all night and not really change at all. Yeah, no, for sure. He knows how he holds his boo as well. Correlli, the only thing happens to him, he spills things.

He'll just spill shit, and that's when you know he's shit-faced. Still fun though Still fun I just never like And maybe it's because I just saw it more Before I ever started drinking That I was just like Okay

I know for a fact There's no fun in this guy You know the fucking falling over Like Where's there? Yeah I know that's I'm like that's the opposite

Of what I'm trying to do I'm trying to get probably pussy Or like Yeah Or like you know Be loose and have conversation With people And like you know

Be social and stuff Like nothing about it It wants to get to like Right So it's like I drink to get to that And then when I'm like look at me mixing and mingling and then I go thank God diet Coke please oh god I get

stuff but I tell the cigarettes was the funniest I told you I used to when I try to teach myself how to smoke so I could hang outside with Dave Attell when my girlfriend broke up with me you what I taught myself how to smoke so I could hang out with David Tell when my girlfriend broke up with me wow did I stutter no I just wanted to make sure that was the gayest thing I've ever heard it is right um you tell you how to smoke that to hang it with another guy? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. He took an interest in me, too. Yeah, yeah. But I remember when I drive up and back to the Jersey Turnpike still. I was still coming from South Jersey. When I would go up back and forth, I go, all right, you get on the Turnpike at exit three. So you smoke right away. And then, damn it, when you get to exit seven, that's a good break.

Another one. And then exit nine, because that's a big gap. The 7 to 9 is like bigger. It's like 7A and all that stuff. And then I go, when I get to 9, I go, okay. And I'm telling you when I was doing it, I was doing it like a, all right, here we go. And I get that kind of green feeling

and the whole thing and go through it. And now I just mentally have those landmarks as when I drive there. I smoke at those brakes to smoke less. To be like, dude, don't just smoke the whole drive. Like wait for this exit, wait for this exit, so I don't just keep pounding them. So it's so funny how the time changes.

Yeah, I was addicted to cigarettes. It was terrible. It was terrible. God, you were so fun and looked so cool, though. I did. You did look really cool. Cigarettes are a fun addiction. Do you remember back when you looked cool?

Yeah. With cigarettes? I do. I remember that. You go, let's go. Oh, I love packing cigarettes when you packed it. Not even, I haven't packed. This is the first time I've packed cigarettes in 30 years.

This is not nothing you have to do anymore, but I still am doing it. Yeah, but it's so cool when you get the cigarette and it has like an inch of space between the top. You know what I mean? All right, dude, for sure. Huh? Yeah, dude. I fucking feel you. Yeah, cigarettes are great.

What's up? Anybody want? I'm gonna do this, get to go. Did you? Oh, dude. Do you, uh, you want on, dude? Don't stop. All right.

You guys are good? I'm good. I'll be it by myself. That's fine. I don't even smoke cigars that much anymore. Well? Let me get a cigarette. Let me get a cigarette.

This guy's great. Let me get a cigarette. Let me see if I still look good. Grab yourself a stick, dude. Oh my God First of all 20 years younger immediately I get into my god

20 years younger immediately He looks like he's about to say something He did it right and you did And Bobby was Bobby was a finger thumb holder Really? Yeah yeah yeah we drove in the car smoking a couple times Let me tell you something Jay What you want to do in this business

First thing you want to do Is shut the fuck up You talk too much Second thing you want to do No Bobby you're not doing your old thing Bobby did a lot of like the tea thing Why I talked to you goes he's like I don't know

this fucking guy's bugging me his fucking face is bugging me with the smoke coming out it's fucking bugging me I would wait to the guy I go Then I go this fucking kid's an asshole Yeah And he goes

Bobby did a lot of this goes He goes um No Like a lot of something like you know Like the hand He was great with it My favorite thing to do is I'd go up to some new

Comic I go How much you weigh He'd be like I don't know 170 185 I'd throw it around I go step on that Let's make a guy Let's make a thing, if we all get the 60, me, you and DJ Lou, let's just go fucking hard.

You guys come back to smoking, drinking, let's just go out. I mean, dude, that's fucking five years from me. That's very fast. Oh, yeah, geez. I was talking about the end, but yeah, sure. I'm quitting this business at 65. Okay. I refuse to be Rich Voss.

I refuse to be taking a portable George Foreman grill on the road and fucking. Well, he's got a very distinct diet At his advanced age He's hearing aids, how crazy is that? Oh, did you see them? That's crazy. What's more crazy is that the vibe in this room It was like a pedophile just got convicted

And the family was celebrating the conviction And then they brought the pet... They brought the pedophile in the room To meet the family to say a few words. That was the vibe that was in this room. I heard laughter and conversation And then when Voss walked in, I heard Well, that's what I was going to say.

I'm sorry. I was trying to cut it, but I was saying, when I came in, it was that. I was like, I haven't seen anybody since the road. I haven't talked to anybody since the roast. And I came over the very like, hey, everyone's ever like, hey, and then Voss came in and Jacob saw his face turned ghost white. Yeah.

The last time I saw him, he had me pinned in an alley forcing himself. That was the idea. Oh, yeah, yeah. And now I see him in court. Absolutely. Yeah. You had to face your abuser. To face my abuser.

Jacob. Oh. You don't have to take shit like that, dude. You got to start putting your fucking foot down, man. First thing's first. And let me straighten you out right away. Don't let another man take advantage of you, I got. You know what I'm saying?

Don't forget I used to do this a lot, too. He goes, Jacob, look at me. Look at me. Don't take shit from anybody, you understand? Fuck, it's good. A little bit of the talking while it's still in there you go. Listen, I'll tell you, if you want to do that, you can. But I don't know if it's a good idea.

Jacob, the thing you got to do, right? you got to make sure nobody gets in your fucking way like that again you understand look at me look at me you understand all right you know why people treat you like such a pussy you know why people treat you like a pussy Jacob

I'll tell you what this cigarette man I'll tell you why people treat you like a fucking pussy because you let them walk over you dude because you let them walk all over you you know if people walk over you is the issue you understand that Jacob yeah yeah yeah look at me

I've been thinking about this for a little bit you've got to stop reading books so much I can't I can't do that It makes you a silly man I'll watch it Jacob People start to think

You're a little light In the locus Because of the way you're behaving I'm ducking down I'm doing I'm getting ready to throw it out But I want to get the last figure Jacob

And I'll tell you this dude If you keep letting it happen It will continue to happen All right let's go in It's so cool Smoking is Smoking is this is my favorite right now You train yourself

I did it When you have to want it When you listen to someone somebody though is the best not talking but this stop talking to me uh bobby goes i think by the end of the week we should uh be able to cover everything on the sheet here because i know we have a couple of topics that are older and stuff like damn dude it looks so fucking cool yeah and then you tap it out can you do it to me can you talk to me a little bit jay listen the thing is uh we need to make sure that when we have these shows we get together before the show a little bit and we uh i'm cold

off on mine i'm cold oh it's the winter yeah you know what i'm saying we got to do that is that cool Will you? Are you good? Yeah, yeah. That's fine. All right. All right. Let's get out of here, huh? All right. Put these out. I'm going to put this out.

Jacob, I see you over there. Stop being your pussy. Have you ever at, you know what I did one time before I quit? Have you ever added up the money you spend weekly and then do it for the year? How much money? How much money? Just to be a fun little game. I did the app before.

How much money do you spend a week on cigarettes? How many packs you smoke a day? 160 bucks maybe $160 so how many packs you smoke a day 1 and a half 2 1? 1 on average I'd say 1 yeah sometimes a little more I guess

How much is a pack of cigarettes now? I'm averaging it 20 bucks 20 bucks a pack? But it's not that because Is it 20? That's crazy here I think it's 22 over here But it's uh I'd rather do fucking meth

I think meth is true right When I go on the road should I try math You should try math When I go on the road though And I buy cigarettes on the weekends to count for some of that. So I'm saying the average is out because on the road it's less. So 120, how much a week? $125. 160 bucks a week. I'm figuring eight packs a week at $20 a pack is what my guess is. I'll pick up a calculator. There's 15 people in here, but I'll do it.

No, but for the year. Oh. 160 times 12. Hang on. Paco. It's a week, right? 160 to 52. $1.60 to 52. 8,300. No. That's not bad. Oh, it's a week. Oh, we did save. It's not bad. It's not bad.

$8,000 a year. That's fine. $8,000 a year. That's not bad. It's a blip. That's a blip. Thank you, Sirius X-M. That would kill me.

What? That would kill me. $8,000 a year? Jesus Christ. Jacob, I can give you $8,000 more a year, but I will buy you $8,000 worth of cigarettes. If you start smoking with me, I'll buy you $8,000 worth of cigarettes. When I worked in the French restaurant, I went,

I went down for some trip to the number. North Carolina. Why did you ever quit? You seem like you belonged at a French restaurant. No, it was the runner. It was the most miserable job. Yeah, but you would have progressed.

I had to watch everyone, all the waiters get, bang all the women that came in. Eventually, you could have become the fountain out front. Spitting water. But me and then I went down and I bought cigarettes

in North Carolina. I think there was like no tax or something. Yep. And then we came, I came up, and me and Chen, the Chinese busboy would sell them

at a double the price but we made it we made a lot of money you had a friend called Chen I became friends with him where's Chen now in the joint I think he's still there really can we call him he's in the joint for trafficking I want to talk to Chen he probably has Rolexes now he's the funniest guy he was

older Asian he's from China he had a very very very broken English accent how to go how to go and how do you talk you had so much access to cigarettes you never smoked him because he had those old crazy Asian smoker teeth, didn't he? He did. He smoked right in the front like this.

He, yeah. I used to get... Well, I mean, he would... He had very... He was a racist... A racist Asian? Ironic. He just loved... But he would curse at all the...

The cooking staff. It was African or Latino. Or from Puebla. Right. Used to the African. More like African. but he would say it he would kill me

I would cry laughing because he goes to you myself fucking guy make me food nice and he would do it like that and they would all laugh how do you do it fucking guy make me food I'm hungry and then they would make him food

but he would continue to be say nothing but racist stuff but took care of them also brought them stuff what came back from China I know Jacob had a brief dalliance with the triads Yeah, it's fucking weird that you had a Chinese friend. He goes, then he cut a chicken's head off right in front of me. He said the most racist thing ever.

What do you bring the cooks, like oranges and incense? What did he bring them? He brought them back tea, green tea. To Spanish and black people? Yeah, it was really good tea. Really? Yeah. Drink tea, bed and salsa.

But I will never forget this. I guess I should. This is him, not me saying this. Sure. But say it like him, though. well at the end of the ship just make sure you keep an A on the end at the end of no no no he never

never said that but he had his opinion of black people to mark wait a second I got a that hit me like a three seconds after he said for Jim for Jim

I'm thinking about Jim I worry about Jim one of the cook all the cooks were from either like I said Mexico or or Ivory Coast none of them were black American the kind you like

well no there are all the the greatest guys I got along with them but so at the end of the shift the end of the the dinner service right the

everyone who has to bring all the trash out and we would sit outside and you know you that's when the doors open up outside and you would walk up the stairs

at every restaurant to take the garbage out and so Marcel was taking the garbage out and Chen was sitting your throat Chen said to him Clear your goddamn throat

It's crazy sounding And Chen said to Oh stop Are you vaping? Do you have pop up? Hold on I'm trying to get the storm I'm trying to remember

Specifically Why am I sounding? Every time you breathe You're going Oh sorry I didn't hear it Got to clear your throat bro I'm a little

congested I guess No there it is What is that? What is that now? Do you have gills? No it's sinus infection All right

Yeah Do you have a sinus infection? Yes. Where? In your neck gills? Dust mites. What? Is that what it is?

It's dust mites, yeah. They live in your eyeball. It's killing me. I wake up with a headache. Damn. It must be awful. It would be so small that mites can kill you. What is a fun?

Why do you have dust mites? They live off of dead skin. It's like a banquet for them. So they're in your mattress. It's going to take at least ten of them to kill Jacob. Yeah, I got an allergy test. And my arm started burning and itching. And he said, yeah,

you're allergic to dust mites. Okay, but can't you get rid of them? I'm hearing it myself. He's talking to a box fan. It does. I have two options. I am your father. I encased my mattress and pillows.

I was hoping that was going to do it, but it hasn't. They're still attacking me in my sleep. Did you say you encased your mattress and pillows? Yeah, you have to buy a dust mite. Yeah, he's an older man. He's going to plastic wrap all of his shit. Bobby, look at me with my cigarette. You won't catch me doing that shit.

I was getting a bed. Sounds weird to me. You sleep in a plastic? Maybe that's his kink. I know, right? Get a room, dude. Yeah. Well, I just sleep in a bubble like that John Travolta guy.

I love that. I know you did. That's your dream. What a dream. That's your dream. That's your dream. You should get him a bubble. Nobody can get in.

Just you and your dust mites. Just you in a world of dust mites. So you're coming out. No, we're all sitting outside at the end. Every of the staff would kind of like chill outside while the guys were taking the garbage out. And Chen saw Marcel throwing the garbage out. And he said, Marcel, black guy no good. Black guy bullshit.

Yeah, you make peepee on the street, steal the car, no pay the rent. Black guy bullshit. And then that was it. You're right, Chen, you're right. Marcel would just laugh. And then he would bring him tea from China. And he goes, oh, and karate only for a defense only. And that's all.

That's all. Black guy no good. Karate for defense only. Black guy pee and street is still car. Yeah. Because he, apparently, he had just watched a black guy pee on the street. So that became a thing that all black men did him. He's supposed to drink.

You're supposed to pee in Coke. But he said it. He goes, he's not even being herrious. The fact that he just said pee- You do a better Chen than Jacob, by the way Herrius You're peepie and coke Not on the street

Thank you I just always loved that he said Make pee pee pee on the street Oh man That guy comes from fucking Martial Arts royalty What's not coming Did you watch

Did you watch the Ronda Rousey fight right? I watched it Yeah I watched it Blinken you miss it Yeah It was a I mean, we were talking about yesterday. It was kind of sad that...

No one gave a shit. Well, the arena wasn't full. And they have... Every seat has a light in it. And you can see the lights everywhere. Yeah, I have no idea what the attendance was on it all. But I know if you went, you just watched, particularly the main eventers all fighting a fight.

They didn't want to fight. And then when they were done going like, yeah, I don't care. Yeah. Nate Diaz, they were like, what was that? He goes, yeah, I wasn't going to win, so who cares? Well, the Nate Diaz, why aren't you try to fight back? He was like, da. Yeah.

They actually made... We're going to be here all night? They made more money than the UFC fighters made. Of course. For those fights. Ronda Rousey made 2.5. Gina made 1.5. And Strickland, I think, made for being the champion, made 1.2.

Yeah, it's... For becoming the champs. He's doing the... He said Jake Paul is the Ari Shafir of this kind of thing. He's shaking it up. I would say Lewis Gomez. No, I'll say Ari Shafir. fear is because he's changing like Ari's changed precedent in places like he exposes the

like he's going like if you're a little less stingy I guess with the money yeah um you know you can make these guys get paid look there's a that was always the crazy difference between like why would you go in them at first it was like well UFC small it's not that big of a thing so that's why you're accepting like smaller like you know five figure low six figure like fight purses even the champs yeah but it gets to a point where like well what's the what's the combination of getting to like a Floyd Mayweather or Mike Tyson in their prime making 92 million dollar paid remember that it was like they'd get like close to 100 million dollars on some of those fights individually well Floyd Mayweather actually he got part of the parking and the concessions yeah that's

what I'm saying that's why these guys just have gold houses yeah their whole house is gold but he yeah he was like dude I'm bringing all these people I want some of everything he was the first one to do that and everybody else on the card he got paid nothing but um the UFC with Where they kind of fucked the fighters back in the day is they got to come in with sponsorship. Sponsorship. And they made a lot of money off of sponsorship all over their shorts. And then they got to deal with Reebok and they had to wear Reebok and they couldn't have sponsors. And they fucked up.

No more sponsors for their, like on their clothes and stuff. No more individual sponsors. Able to be advertising the thing. But the ring, each time you see the octagon, it's got more and more. The whole thing is just decorated with sponsors. So the company's making money. and now you're not allowed to on the side. You know who the first fighter to do that was, Hopkins.

He came out with... Tell me about, Bobby. He, uh... Let me want to take it. Give me a sec. Bernard Hawkins? Bernard Hopkins came out with it written on his back. Yeah.

He had a sponsor... Golden Pals, right? On his back and made a ton of cash. And then they were like, hey, we don't have to put this on your back. We can actually just put it on your shorts. Yeah. I might just stamp around your fucking forehead. Am I right, Bobby?

I don't have to put this. Am I right, Bobby boy. Hey, turn around. I've got to write my company's name on your back, kid. Turn around, idiot. I'm going to jot something on your stupid back. I'm going to jot on your back and halfway through the fight it's going to be sweated off. But listen.

I'm feeling rat pack. I'm feeling very rat pack with it. Oh, Frank Sinatra. Sir Critting. Do-bidi-do. And how do you do? You got to hit the broad in the cheek. Not in the stomach.

Oh, she'll never learn. I don't know. I don't know what it is. but it's strictly taboo that witchcraft It really bugs me that anybody can do it It's a shitty stupid art It's beautiful

Yeah It's like finding out Do you guys remember the most famous Walker in the world It's like being like the best person It's raising your hand It's everyone all of us can do it I love cruding ago

Have you ever tried it? Because you can do it If you love it so much Just entertain yourself at home all day I like witchcraft Because it comes to me Little man Shut your face

Before I kick you in the nuts Treat you like one of my dingy broads at home Give it up for my black conductor over here He's been with me for 20 years This guy's good He's got a family and everything He's a good dad This guy's actually a pretty intelligent colored fellow

I gotta tell you I've known for about 15 years now Good egg, good egg. Doobody do. Give it up for my Asian drummer. I've never seen one of those before. You never will either. He's the only one in the world.

That's why he's with me. I call him Taco Hot Sauce. It doesn't make any sense, baby. Hey, line up over here if you want me to kiss your wife. Sabu! Yeah, but the fights, the Nangano fight, whatever his name is. That fight was great.

He's great. He's a fight. I can't believe somebody would get in the ring with that fucking dude. He's so big and shred. And then John Jones now just looks like someone's uncle and they're talking shit to each other from across the arena. He's like, I'll fight John Joan. John's like, you don't want none? He goes, sit down, John Jones.

Talk about a guy. John Jones really made himself a legend in such short time, which is such a testament to how good of a fighter he is. He made himself so. And then, but if you really think about it, he has two thirds, if not more. of his career has just been like this guy fucking sucks yeah he did a I mean it's constantly having to pull out of fights and they fire him from the UFC for this and then he's a DUI it's just never ends drugs and alcohol fucked him up couldn't handle it did the drugs alcohol partied but he hangs in there still he shows up to things still it's like UFC's wrong this whole thing's stupid it's like

no you fuck every way you could fuck up you fucked up um yeah but they did they fucking Nate Diaz like Nick Diaz like that because they they the pot a weed yeah they made it's like dude let these fucking guys smoke a little weed who gives a shit they they banned him from the sport for being on marijuana he just got to be smarter about that stuff because if you watch it took away his career I mean he was at the pinnacle but I watch all those documentaries if you watch any documentary about 90s basketball and all that shit they all like yeah went home after that game smoked a joint and just like you know I had to shake it off because I knew we had another playoff game coming up in two days and you're like well they're definitely weren't allowed to smoke pot

in the NBA at that point at least for sure when they're talking about but they just did anyway just know a way how to get around I don't think the I don't think they should drug test our athletes at all at fucking all I miss the fucking Mark McGuire home run derby no that was at Fenway Park talking about performance enhancing drugs I'm talking about I don't know if you want the Oakland the Oakland A's to all be half on coke I say let them do whatever they want as long as they're fucking cranking balls fucking 900 feet you need drugs that worked for that

like if someone's on heroin and they're just nodding off of the bat on their shoulder fucking let it happen how great would that be and he just gets walked because he takes four terrible pitches and then just they go sir he goes take your base he goes oh yeah yeah guys on molly he gets hit by the ball he goes out and hugs the pitcher

it's all right man he goes the pain is how I know I'm alive without pain there's no place Pleasure. The Russians are the best with the performance enhancing drugs. Have you ever watched the documentaries on how intricate their cheating went? Yeah.

The electric outlets was just a conduit. You could pass steroids. The room was just designed to be able to get to pass performance enhancing drugs. It was like a magic. I don't know how to explain it. The Russians loved it. Aren't they the ones that cheated in that chess? I didn't watch the documentary yet.

They were banned from the Olympics. They cheat so hard. I like it. But they also used to play, they used to play our college. It was professional men in the Olympics playing our college students. We didn't allow, I think it was until the basketball, right? Well, I think the thing in the Olympics for a while, I think technically it was, the idea was they were supposed to be, it was supposed to be our best amateur athletes. Yeah, but they would make much sense.

They were putting their best men. Because they didn't have actual leagues. Yeah. No, that's why they didn't have actual leagues. So was their best adults. But then we were like, fuck it. They put Larry Bird and MJ in. They're like, all right, well, fucking, you guys are using your best.

We're going to use our best, and it's all over. It's not, though. What, the basketball? They've had some rough years, too, the USA basketball. The problem is they start exposing that shit where you're like, these guys are out there trying to throw Alleyub dunks full court the whole time. And then before you know it, a bunch of Puerto Rican guys have just banged 17 threes in a row. That happened to them a couple times.

They fucked up. Yeah, they fuck up sometimes. But not those first. couple of years. No. The first one? Then the Iverson era was eight shit. And then they had the redeemed team that was called.

That was the one with LeBron where they just went in there and like they marched right through again. Yeah. But there was a minute there where it's like, it's not always going to work like that. You get a bunch of those like the guys you think of the best. They all want to play one-on-one basketball. And then you get a team of fucking turkey guys that just fucking pass the ball around and get wide open constantly because these guys are like, I think I'm going to throw it behind my

back off the backboard on this next one. I'm going to jump over this. guy goes that's great but you're just hitting these two point dunks and these guys are hitting half court threes the whole game and I know everyone here's not strong at math but you're gonna lose that way this one who Derek Nuitzki the Asian oh there was no Asians on that team even Jeremy Lynn was a guy does China have a basketball team are they are they good though I think they're probably pretty good they're like I mean that's where Yao Ming came from right did they engineer people they stretch them on something

Listen, when they do that is Robin documentary, the North Korean guys were pretty good. They could play. And they don't really have a league or anything out there either. That was like guys, they're just like the best guys that they had out there. Well, they know that if they lose, their family dies. It's exactly right. We were watching, my nephew and I were laughing hysterically at the North Korean women's soccer team. They trained for four months.

and yeah if they screw up they're going to not have food and their families are going to be murdered they have so much incentive to be the best that happened in iraq they killed every they destroyed every other team when i went over to uh iraq for the uso thing yeah we did a show in the soccer stadium and the guy brought me over to a wall and he sees all he said see all these bullet holes when they lost the game he just he killed all he killed the soccer team he just he killed all he killed the soccer team. They just shot them. They landed and they had their feet beaten on the tarmac.

The Iraqi men's team. Forget, they never forgiven you for that. Never forgiven you for going out there. What's that, Jay? Perform for local Iraqi people. They're the enemy. I went and performed for our troops. No, some of your friends went and did that.

You decided to go there and you go, well, someone's got to entertain these guys too. That's not fair. Remember you kept saying that? Well, I did it with your new pal. Dane Cook. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you knew. I was thinking about that.

Did I tell you once come on the show? I was thinking about, yeah, your fucking spineless jellyfish. I was thinking about what a fucking weak man you are that I... Why are you talking to the camera? I'm not... The fact that I've done a radio show with you and I've known you your whole career. And now I've done a radio show with you for almost three years. Yeah.

And you don't even know Dane Cook's number. No. And as soon as you see him. Well, I think you shot it to me. D.M. Do you got it? I think. Did you take it?

It was in DMs. Did you reply to the DM? I don't know. Yeah, you do. What did you say in the DM, you're fucking jellyfish? Let me check. Oh, I know you said something. No, you don't.

Yeah, I do. I know you said something. No, you don't. Yeah, yeah, you've, you've, you know. You probably thumbs up it or gave him a smiley face or... What did it say? She does like a mojice. Because he doesn't know to type.

He can thumb type with the best of him. Really? Oh. What does it say? It was just nice. What was it? Come on. I didn't write back though.

Genuine, you see that. Wow, that's a lot. Well, that's a lot. What does it say? It's personal. It's a little private. It might be private. It's private, but what does it say in general?

Let me prove for you before I just started reading it. This is my name in it? I still has it. Say what you will. God, the guy knows how to write. Word usage. He said very politely, Hey man, didn't have your number to text.

I wanted to say you crushed on the roast. You had what I think was a tough spot, and you did the thing no one can. learn you either have it or you don't you made the room yours and then you crushed it the keith moment holy wow awesome congrats you must have slept like a baby cook sufi man sufi brother and then his number there you go he just showed it to the camera now everybody has his number i may have you did paco take that out not not yet he doesn't respond to anybody i got to think of the perfect I fucking called him the next day

and it hasn't picked up the phone a week he hasn't talked to me to be honest you're right you're right makes me feel good because I'm like well he always answers my calls never I should write back

if it wasn't for me if I didn't give him the pep talk to go in there's no way that's true either I don't answer all Christine's calls or text I guess eventually yeah if I didn't give him the peck pep talk to go in there you wouldn't even have fucking met

your new pal yeah yeah it's kind of your fault no it's not my fault it's my this is self-fulfilling prophecy it's that you don't have a, you can't have, you don't have a spine. You turn into jelly when somebody likes you.

What? Are we talking about my cook? No, I'm talking about you, you. Did he used to end your text by just going, cook? Yeah. Sorry, that's not a thing for just you. I just want to make sure what he's, what he's, well, he doesn't do anymore with you. It's, I would make sure something he does with his friends.

He's got, he does have the coolest last name in comedy. Bing, Cook. Dane Cook. You've been cooked. I would definitely overuse that. Oh, yeah. Every special would be something like that. Yeah.

Cooked, recooked. People would see how fat I was. We know you've been cooking. Cook ease. During the pandemic, I would have to, hey, cooking with cook. Oh, yeah, dude, pandemic. Cooking with cook. I can't believe, though, what a, there's not even, the fact that you went, dude,

the fact that you went, you brought me into it when I wasn't even into it. Let me tell you how much this is your fault. We actually have on the books a steakhouse date with me, him, and Noem. Me, Dan Cook, and Noam from the cellar are going to go on a friendship date. And you set that up. Look, I don't even think that won't happen. I believe it will happen. And we are going to have such a Bobby Gab session.

But some good stuff, but then like some of the like the, you know, like the, I know, doesn't he do that all the time? I have a lot of that. And you probably had that there. I go, you know when you take this guy on tour and he just acts like that all the time? And then he slows everyone down because his stupid AC has the ACL of a bitch. Every fucking thing I'm doing, you have to somehow get in and break a rule. Yeah, he did say at the party.

He said your bitch ACL is what ruined Torgasm. You ruin all my fun. He said, if you didn't have the ACL of an old lady, everything probably would have been great. You probably would have been good luck, Chuck. He probably would just produced it. First of all, if I didn't have that ACL thing, it wouldn't have been interesting. He was so funny. Watching Torgasim, that was everyone at home was rooting for Bob.

No one knew Gary well enough out in New York really in that regard or Jay and So we all knew Bobby and Bobby was like our guy on the show and watching that every week Was fucking we was so exciting for us but also it was the water the water cooler conversation of just like I don't This is not what I've found comedy touring to be like at all Laser tag and skydiving and flying in individual planes by yourself doing bowel rolls. I tend to do more like find the local Jimmy Johns. Yeah.

And number five, number five. Oh, it would be nice sometimes there's a foot locker downstairs or I'm attached to a mall. It's nice. I walk over the mall, maybe get a nice food court, maybe an Annie Ann's pretzel. Yeah.

But I will say it's never been full on games of laser tag or flag football. No, no. Never ridden a horse. I've... Yeah, I forgot we rode horses in Montana. Yeah. I forgot about that. Now, I have gone shopping for.

themed clothing. That has happened on the road before. That's fair. That's one thing I have done. But outside of that, I can't think of anything on the road where it's been like, we're doing this is like the activity here. Outside of, uh, oh, you know what? I guess it's not fair. But he also films it too. Yeah. Uh, Bert. Like, Bert's thing was very like that too. We're going kayaking. It's like, I'd rather not, man. We got a show at like 5 p.m. And I go on kind of early. And it's like, come on. We're only going to be kayaking from like noon till 4.30. I was on Burkazin. Yeah, you were Bobby Kay on Burk, you were the instigator on Burkazer.

No, you were actually the Jay Davis on Burkazim. I bet you made him tuna sandwiches. Dude, every day. The poor girls who had to set up the stuff every day to do, it was a knockdown drive. Me and Soder at that point, too, it was like, all right, so we're all going surf lessons and we're like, oh, I have fun. Maybe like, no, we really want everybody to go. He goes, come on, man.

And then they get me with just like, you could just sit there and hang out, and then me and Soter got pulled out into the middle of the ocean and almost died. But that's why I don't go. You know, you know, I never get pulled to the ocean and die in my hotel room? Jay, I know what you're doing right now,

and he's really good at it when he diverts the, when I'm trying to say that he did something and he goes off somewhere else. And now we're down, we're on Bert's tour. You understand what I'm saying? I want to get back to what I was saying. I'm going to look at you, Jacob. The fact that he, I don't have a problem with him seeing Dane and being like, hey, oh, my God, wow, what's up?

The problem I had driving home on the highway the other day, what are you texting? What are you doing? Yeah, you just posted anything that's funny. Oh, yeah, it's good stuff. The problem I have with what he did. He said, this is, this is what a fucking, just a neutral jellyfish, Jay is. Who are you talking about me? I'm talking about you, jellyfish.

Yes. That should be your name. I'm going to say jelly roll, jellyfish. Jelly roll or jellyfish? That's a tour. He goes like this. It's another close friend of mine. You got to, you got to, you guys, you and Bobby got to work that out.

There was no, he doesn't, there's no, he didn't need to bring my name into it. He didn't need to say that we had to work something. something out. He could have just said, do, when you're in town, you should come on the show. He goes, you and Bob, he felt like he was the conduit between me and fucking. He's the hands I gave. What'd you say? Double. And probably had a cigarette in my hands. I was like, I was like, no, no, not the podcast. You got to come on the radio show. We got to get you on Bobby in a room. Why? In a room? Why? What in a room? Do you have a room that would go? Did you?

I'm going to mediate like it's high school. I have no idea what I was presenting to him, Bobby. I don't know. But I tell you this, we're really close now. Good. I hope he becomes your best friend. Hope he has to stay at your house while he's in town. Oh, dude. You think he would? I hope so. God damn, dude. I know he doesn't have to.

Dude, I have such a good backyard for physical comedy. It's so much space for physical comedy. We get physical comedy together in the mornings. That's what we call yoga. Physical comedy, you. I hope you catch him and his young bride doing it. Then you'd guess for him. Me too.

I walk in. I'm going to start smelling her naked body like my dog. Why? Because I was trying to see if that's what the smell on the sheets is. Why did you have to bring my name into it? That's the only correlation I have to him at all in my mind. I don't even know how he knew who I was in that moment. But why did you have to bring up the fact that we have to work something out?

Don't know. Panic and fear, dude. He was trying to be on your side? I said I didn't. It's not on my side. He's, he was. Because if he just chummed it up with Dane without somehow mentioning him? No, but Bobby's about when I was kind of like,

Bobby's got to stop his bullshit and you guys got to Is that what you said? Yeah. What? I was like, I go, I've told Bobby he's wrong a thousand times. I think I just need to get you guys in a room.

And I'm honestly God, Dan, if you could find it in your heart to forgive Bobby, forgive me. I think that things would work out. That's what I said, and I was pointing the whole time with a cigarette in my hand. And then he said,

we haven't talked in a couple years. It's been Max's life. He putished it off. He pushed it off. It's been his life. He has. that off so like casually it's like oh he almost it was close to going like bobby kelly oh yeah it has been a while your son is 12 yeah you're a little man yeah he he met him as a baby and then and then i was

i'm sitting there watching planes the movie going oh that's my friend who's the star and i call them i go if there's not fucking merch from this movie at my house by next week i'm done with you but your son is months away. Your son is months away from that if I molest him, he's not, I'm not even called a pedophile anymore. You're called gay. Yeah. I'm a gay man doing what all gay men do, having sex with 13-year-old boys.

I want that little boy to come in my face. I want that little boy pain. That one hit me wrong because now I'm just picturing Max coming in your face. Mine? Yeah. No, he's not my son.

Yeah, I know, but it's my son. I really. I just You and Max down in his Casa Day Max? What are you guys going down here? Hang on. Give me a sec, Bob. I'm like, Bobby, much like you, your boy is very seductive. Max is just smoking. I just came over to hang out before I knew it.

My pants were off and my bra was undone. He's like this. Yeah, give us one sec. I'm almost done. Yeah. Hang on, dad. I'm right there. Your voice is making it crawl back up.

Jay, hurry up. Rub the helmet with your thumb. There it is. Yeah. Hang on. Yeah. Yeah. There we go.

There we go. Jay, let me ask you a question. Did you really throw my dad under the bus with Dane Cook? That wasn't under the bus. Under the bus. I just told him that you feel bad about what you've done. Jay, you don't have to bring up my fucking name.

I needed to fill every empty space I could in that conversation. I didn't know what else to do, and you're the only thing I know that we have in common at all whatsoever. There's plenty of other things you have in common. I don't know in his relationship with Gary Goldman. or Jay Davis is. I know yours and his is bad. So that's what's stuck in the front of my mind.

But it's not even bad. It's just, it's whatever. You didn't need to bring my name up, you nervous, Nelly. I told him you never stopped talking about it. What? Yeah. I do.

I told him that you and Dawn almost got divorced because she said you have to drop this Dane thing or I can't be with you anymore and you've been in intensive therapy. But slowly but sure you're getting over it. And because of that, I think Bobby's ready to apologize to you. And I said that all while I was pointing like this.

I was walking away the whole time but I was pointing like this and saying I was kind of making it a couple people probably heard because I was arcing it over people your Molly Shannon you Bob Odenkirk's I'm sitting over their way

and they uh for the record I don't think they knew who you were well for the record they were wondering who was talking to Dan Cook that's true you're not wrong they go who's that and who's this bobby's talking about I also just kept saying Bob I never said Bobby Kelly unfortunately

I should have said your whole name then it would have been easier I'm just going you and Bobby dude it's enough of this bullshit You guys got a kiss and make up, your best friends. I told me that you've been writing Better Luck, Chuck, too. I have been doing that. I know.

I told him that. I did. Employee of the year. You really are just a nervous nelling when it comes to these situations. And you could have, this is what you could have done. What are you going to go fucking big flat pocket jeans shopping with me? Probably not, right? Are you going to go buy jeans that have giant crosses on the butt cheeks?

I don't think you are. I would do that with you. I don't think you would. I would do that with you. Did you ask me if I would do it? I don't think so. Did you ask me? Are you going to wear tight vintage t-shirts with me that say cool logos on them?

I would have. I did it with him. I'd do it with you. Thank you. I don't want to. What are those? I want to. Those are true classics.

True religion. True religion. Sorry. I didn't know they had dungary jeans. Get those ones right in the middle. Yes. Yes, those. Why?

Because Dane Cook's going to need to see me with some horseshoes on my ass cheeks. You don't even know this guy at all. He fucking freaks out if your pockets are just exposed. Well, there's no top flap to go, oh, there's another, them flaps. Yep. Oh, my God. I didn't realize how many true religion jeans shorts I'm about to buy. I had the black ones on the right.

I had those. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He said you didn't really fit in with the crew because your love of black. The cookies, that's what we call ourselves. That's, uh, the cookies are a, uh, I hope. I hope. We're a high fashion,

I hope you become best friends. I hope the relationship does flourish. Thanks, man. Thanks, man. I hope when he comes to town, he seeks you out and you, because you're spineless, you'll show up. Oh, my God, I'm going to watch him.

I want to go do in-house workouts with him and his chick and sitting in his fucking big old kitchen. Remember his kitchen? I hope it happens. I bet he's got a view. Because you know he's got, he has a movie coming out. He's got the documentaries coming out.

I know. And it was just in festivals and won an award. Really? So now when he comes to New York, he's going to want to promote, when it goes to theaters, he's going to want to come in and promote it. So he's going to call you up, his publicist, not him directly, is going to call you up and say, hey, you told Dan, you come on the show. I felt a really strong immediate link with him, yes?

Guess who's going to be guest hosting that day? Boss. Rich Voss. Yeah. That's my plan. You send Rich in? I like that. Rich will ruin at all.

It's a good sabotage. Honestly God The guy really Talk about turd in the punch pole I mean no fucking shit Huh Yeah the documentary Yeah it's coming out

What is it about It's about all the stuff that happened to him It's like his story Yeah He was literally the pinnacle of his life Selling out arenas The number one comic in the country If not the world

And both his parents died And his brother stole all All Not some All his money Cook Is it called cooked No no

I just say cook at the end of long things like that. I go, and if that's what you want, then you're going to have to take it. You should end your shows like that. Guys, I'm Big J. Ocason. You've been cooked. No, I just go. You guys go. You guys have been absolutely amazing.

Cook. And then it's my phone number. Greatest last name in business. Cook. God, you guys want to be friends again so bad. No, you're, you're, you're... I think I got him close to agreeing to talk to you again. Here's the thing with you.

Yeah. You're a fucking busy body. Yes. is what you are. You're a busy body. You're a spineless fucking man. I gave you every opportunity to tell me to continue to let this Uber come pick me up and none of these things would have ever happened.

Well, here's the deal, Jay. Why don't you go in there and just say hi and let somebody talk. You don't have to fill every fucking ounce of space. Sure. You could just let him say, what's up, man? How are you doing? Good. Let's just, I'm Dane.

You're you. Ready? No, you're Dane. I'm you. Say what he said to you. Oh, hey. Hey, what's up, buddy. How are you, Dane?

Good. Good, man. Good to see it. What's happening? What's going on? Anything happening? Yeah, I mean, something. I got the new documentary. I heard about it. God, I miss Bobby.

What? I don't know. You guys got to work that out. You come on my show, the bonfire with Bobby. Yeah? No, not at all. Never. Bobby's my boy.

I thought maybe the enough years had passed that he thought maybe it's time for him to apologize to me. That's exactly what would happen, by the way. I would have to give up some type of apology. Yeah? Yeah. We talked about it. There's nothing to apologize for, though. Not on him either.

Do you think he's the kind of friend, like if I went to his house, like Hulk Hogan and Bubba to Love Spunge, you think he would allow me to have sex with his wife? No. Because I had a bad day? No, not let you do that. But I had a bad day. Yeah, you had a bad day, but it would not happen. Why? I don't think he'd let you have sex with his wife.

And then walk around and be like, God, I'm such a pig. Such a pig. I'm such a big fat pig. There he is right there. He probably looks like he's like with his niece being uncomfortable. Wow. Shut the fuck up, Christine. Is that how I talk about your friends?

I don't talk about your fucking dumb best friends. They got histories. God. He looks good in that photo. Make me defend this guy anymore, I'm telling you. Make me defend him. I'm going tooth and nail. Yeah.

There you go. He's in. I think I did a good job, though. Really softening it so you can get back in. You didn't do a good job. You fucking should have kept your trap shut and leave me out of it. I have nothing to do with it. I wasn't there.

I was here. You were there. It has nothing to do with me. Nobody needs you fucking negotiating old friendships that are gone. Can I draw the tour poster of the three of us? I see. Torgasm, too? Can I draw, please?

I'm not fucking... Give me a pencil, buddy. I got the tour poster. Thank you, Paco. Okay. Oh, I like this. Because I remember the tourgasm was everyone's shooting up out of the thing, right? I'm not I'm not

this is not ever happening I'm not going on tour with you and Dane and Jay Davis who are probably being a him back to it's not happening I hope he wants this too I hope he I hope he he says dude we should tour together I hope that happens

yeah me too oh I'm gonna throw up did I say that was I in on that shut your face Christine I hope he's at your house for a week Oh, this is going to be a really, really good. This is going to be such a good.

Honestly, what? Having Dean Cook is a house guest for a week. That's like a story, right? Pretty fucking dope. Yeah, it's a story. Yeah, you think so? We'll make it happen. Make it happen.

Why don't you respond to that text? Next time you're in town, stay with us. Oh, this is so good. I don't know that long. Oh, look at us. And we both have cool Dane Cook hair. You don't even know which ones. Which can we both have such cool hair.

hair. Is his hair cool still? Wait, make sure you get his new eyebrows. This is, is his hair, who J's or Danes? Daines. You guys both, you guys both get a lot of work done on you. You both do eyebrows and hair and nails. You guys both have pomade. You could both have a day of beauty together. Yeah, you guys, yeah, you could definitely do a day of beauties. Instead of going right to the venue, you go to your little stylists.

This is so good Oh, this is really good Dan can get you into getting some Botox You get him into getting some nail polish You guys could swap little Swap little beauty tips Yeah Get your spray tans together

You push that Yeah you get your spray naked together Yeah you get on your tour You could have a spray tan room You can do it together You can just go tummy to tummy tip to tip spin around.

Oh, my God. You guys could have your, you could have underwear that has the tour logo on it. What would, well, please draw the new Sufi with your thing in it. Oh, no problem. Yeah, just put nail polish on the Sufi fingernails. Jay, though, what if you forget to let Dane win? Huh? What if you forget to let Dane win?

Dude, we've all gotten older. He's not changed. Lou, could you play the one we haven't played when he almost says he threatens to beat up Jay Davis? Oh, yeah. I love that. Oh my god Did you put a fingeless mitten on the sufi?

Oh I didn't even do the sufi yet Yes that's a good idea that's a fan to Bobby your marketing is fan fucking tastic right now Can I be the marketing tour manager for this store? Yes I don't want to be on it I just want to fucking make sure it's a success I'll be the Barry Katz of the tour Oh man I don't probably should put a bonfire logo he's probably no no want nothing to do with it Okay I'm out I'm out I'm out

That's fine. I'm not in this tour. Don't put me in this tour. I understand. There you go. Did you put me in the tour poster? Of course. Where am I in the tour?

Remember the tourgagism? Everyone's coming out. It's like everyone's getting big from the little thing. I try to like keep it in line of what it was. I think it's pretty good. Are you a dick wad? Why is that? Because you made you and him laughing, pointing down at little me.

We're having a good time. Yeah, I'm not even, I'm... Are they pissing on you? No. No. No, they're pointing down. You don't piss on a friend? And then he did the, it says J, Dane, and then it says, what the fuck?

What does it say at the bottom? Torgasm, too. What's the, is that an H? What's the thing on the bottom above my name? Where, let me see. That, oh, it says featuring, little FT. I'm featuring on the tour. And then you're featuring and in parentheses.

It has me, it has me in the bottom, way in the background a little, am I that short or am I a hundred thousand feet back? Send it over to. fucking tuberculosis potato here. Here you go popcorn. Yeah, Doc Batat. Here's popcorn lungs.

Take a look at that. Hey, longer. What do you think? Funny? That's so great. Personally, if somebody was saying some of the things that I was saying to Jay, I probably would have been like,

you know what? Whether I fucked up or not, dude, shut the fuck up or I'm going to come over and knock you out. Yeah. But he was too much of a fucking wimp to do that. Says somebody who's never got to a fight. Too much of a fucking wimp to do.

He's never been in a fight in his life. Oh, man, it's a good tour post, so what do you think? I already see the T-shirt. I'm going to knock you out, and they've never knocked somebody out. I see the T-shirt and merch potential for this a lot. I do, no sleeves. How about just, like, when Bobby's own merch, it'll just be like a regular black t-shirt with a little tiny thing down here.

This is Bobby Kelly on it. But in Torgasm, too. Why don't you make me sell the merch? Okay. And honestly, we'll give you an extra $100 a show for that. I'll talk to Dane, but I think I can talk about it. That's great. Thank you so much. It's good. We're going to get you kids back together.

That's not happening. According to this poster, Torgasm 2 is just you and Dane are co-headlining and time-permitting Bobby Kelly and nobody else. And nobody else. Wait a minute. Am I featuring or if time permitted? No, it's like it squeeze you in. No, I'm not squeezing them in. You know what I'm saying? Bobby's going out completely cold while they're seating. It takes a long time to seat an arena.

I assume we're going to be in arenas at this point. It takes a long time to seat those. So we're going to have Bobby go out there And basically do his jokes But also if we just run through some basic rules And what's going on and what to do Tell them where the bathrooms are Am I going to be invited to the before show prayer

Are you guys just going to do that by yourselves? I mean if you can keep your straight face It's pretty serious What's the prayer going to be? I don't know, but I don't laugh at the Lord That's one line I draw And you should know that You're not in the cook verse

What's that? He is more religious now Is he now? Kelsey's religious I told you, we used to to have to, we set a prayer before every show. The prayer circle. The prayer circle. My favorite. We did one. We had a prayer circle.

We did a prayer circle for one of our live events. It's my favorite. That's great. That was great. You have to. It's worked for black comedy this long. You have to take your gloves off when you do the prayer circle, though. You can't have gloves. I know. You got to get flesh on flesh. Flesh on flesh. For sure. Yeah. I hope it happens. I hope that you guys become for sure. Really swell pals. I do. I mean, it's just a beginning stage right now, but like, I really feel like we're getting a long...

We're getting a long... Why don't you reply to you, pal? No. Come on. What are you going to say back to all that, those flowers? What are you going to say back? I don't know. And there was some advice in there, too.

There was a little advice. I don't know. Come on. Figure it out. What are you going to say back? I don't know. It's got to be perfect. Come on.

Just running it through me. I want to hear it. Okay. Go ahead. Dane. No. Yeah. Dane.

No. Cook. Cook. Cook. What's up, Cook? No. What's up, Cook? Dane.

No. Hey, Dane. No. Dane. Cook. Cook. Yeah, that's... Okay.

Cook. Cook. Cuma. Love it. Comma. Thank you. Period. Been talking to Bobby about it.

No, stop right there. Stop right there. Stop right there. Why? Because first of all, I think you need a little more when you say thank you. What am I going to suck the guy's dick? We're boys. I think there should be a little more after that.

Thank you. We're co-headlining Torgasim too. I don't have to fucking suck his nutsack like this. I'm just being delicate with them because I want to make sure I can get you back in with him the way you want. I don't want to get back in. The way you've been dying to. Jay, when you reply, are you going to send it as a text? I'm going to be like, I just want you to have my number?

Oh, that's a really great question. I'm going to actually... Do I think Dean should have my number? I'm going to text him your number. Never thought I would think that before? I'm going to say, hey, Dane. What's up? It's me, Bob.

You don't have your number. Jay wanted me to have you to have his number. Your number is 12 years old, Bobby. Buddy, I'll give you his number. You want me to shoot you his number? No, I'm going to just... I'm going to go on Instagram and send him a message saying Jay wanted you to have his number.

He only checks people he follows. Hold on. He follows me. He can't see it if he doesn't follow you. He follows me. He seems to forget who you were for a second message. Bobby Kelly. He goes, from Massachusetts?

Yes. Let's see if he goes. From your old comedy troupe. And he was like, oh, yeah. Bobby, can you confirm, though? Can Jay confirm that you actually have his real number? Just because he has it for real. Yeah.

I do have it for real. Let's just see if I'm, oh, I'm not even following. I'm not following that? Oh, you blocked him, you catty bitch. No, I didn't. Well, suck on this. No, he doesn't follow me. I'm not following each other

Really? Oh, here's a message he sent a long time ago What's I said? In case you were wondering, I didn't unfollow you by accident I'm going to write real quick Hey, Dane, no What's up, Cookie? What's up, Cookie?

Cookie Post Dash before I put that's off from Hey wanted you, hang on, I'm going to get your number I'm going to copy it Copy it I'm super worried you don't have his number. I do have his... I'm going to instant message him on...

He's not going to see it because you don't follow each other. You have to have his number. But it will come up on his... It will come up. Let me text him and tell him you're doing this crazy shit. All right, he has your number. I should probably text him and fucking... Dude, go ahead, text him right now.

Text him what's... Dude, text him right now. Go, what's up, dude? It's your boy J. It's your boy. It's Jay Bones. Cook. Cookie Puss.

That's what I would have called. know if we were friends for a long time. Cookie pus? Cookie pus. He did like cookies and cream ice cream. I know that. You can't not take shots at this guy. Don't be jealous, dude, it's ugly on you.

Dude, don't be jealous what we have. God, dude, he's got the coolest collection of Boston hats. Bobby, that attitude's ugly. Oh, shut up, Jacob. It's ugly what you're doing now. I hope your fucking disease takes you down. I really do. You understand what?

You understand, though, that Jay, you understand? Like, out of all the fucking things he could have done at this, this, I was calling him, I'm sending him text messages. I'm like, I'm, like, I'm, I mean, just trying to make sure he knows how amazing he is. Big brother I never had. I felt, I felt warm. I felt warm because of what Bobby did for me. I'm just literally just like, dude, you got this every, I'm there, every, I'm there.

Every day, just making sure he's got it. I'm, I'm, it's just, and then as soon as he gets a shot. at fame. Dane excites me. As soon as fame, as soon as fame trickles into his veins, he just throws all of us away. We're an old married couple, though.

Dane's exciting. Just fuck. There's passion. Fuck. The devil's advocate. I understand doing stuff that is completely out of character when you're in an extremely uncomfortable situation. The days of me straddling you while you're driving a car

and just riding your fat cock are done. We don't have those kinds of excitement anymore. That's not our thing. But me and Dean have that still. It's wild. I was like, let's find a bathroom where we could suck each other off. And like me and you were just like, well, wait, we have a convenient time to suck each other off.

And then we ended not sucking each other off. We never suck each other off ever. We keep procrastinating the other. Well, it's you. It's you. You hear that laugh? You're saying, oh, what you're saying? Because you go first, I finish, and then I don't return the fear.

I'm actually out of the mood now. Oh, wait a second, dude, I just came and realized We're not even gay What fuck are we doing here? Sucking each other's dicks Oh, thank God, I didn't do it, dude Can you imagine if I did it too And then we were both had cock on our breath? The problem is that...

Anyway, brush up all with her's pizza. Jay wouldn't even be at this fucking event If I didn't say to him... You pushed me to his arms. If I didn't... Literally throw my relationship out with Kevin Absolutely. To reconnect his relationship with Kevin.

You understand that? That's true. I threw my whole... I had the ability to text Kevin on a movie set, and he would text me back from the chair. I had that. I had Woody Allen, you dude. And I could have used that.

I have a thing coming out, a movie coming out. I have stuff that I have. I could have used that for my connection to Kev. You're doing a film? What's that? You're doing a film? Yeah. Okay.

I have... I'll tell you about it in a month or so. I know what it is. So I threw that out. For him over there. Him. I'm not going to look at him. I'm going to look at you.

For him. And then, before he went into the... Dude, you got this. Go in. You're the shit. Goes in. And then as soon as he gets the opportunity to be part of the

fucking Illuminati. No, to be the president of the New York City chapter of cookers. Not just what you're saying. It'd be the chapter president. I would love to see Dan on Skanks. He would be uncomfortable. five seconds in.

Why? No, he loves it. Why don't we get him to Skank Fest, Christine? If you let him... Oh, let her answer. If you tell him I'm attached. If you tell him I'm attached.

Why don't you get him at Skank Fest? He actually, he did... He did mention something about Skangfest, but he said he would need, like, if you could set up some sort of like a cigar thing over by the water for him. That's me. No, this would be just for him.

Oh, he's going to have his own cigar thing, but he doesn't smoke cigars. No, you could mingle and then we'll throw the fucking weed people in with you and the cigarette people. You've done that already? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dane's not going to go for that. Dane's not going to bend over and eat shit from Rebecca and Christine and Lewis like that. Cook's Cubans. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Coobson. He's going to get Cuban cigars? Straight Cubans. What the fuck? Wait a second. I'm getting Nicaraguan. You can borrow one.

You and your friend Moe can split one from the cookatorium. I think they're going to have food They're going to have food over there Yes of course delicious foods Young bitches Delicious foods Sufis Fucking bond Dutch hats

If you don't make the Sufi With a mitten with no fingers on it You're stupid The sufi with the mitten Should be a shirt immediately 100% with the fingernail polish Under the two fingers The main cookie on the back

I'm his main cook You are really just flourishing in this new relationship I really am