The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Deep Throat

Episode Date: October 18, 2024

It's the last show before Skankfest. Jay needs to learn his song for the Comedy Jam and Bobby prepares to go away to Comedy Camp. Jay doesn't believe that Bob loves old porn videos that have a story. There are rumors that P Diddy has a video trail that leads to his "freak offs." They hope that Kevin Hart doesn't show up anywhere in this scandal. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolfSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to new episodes ad-free and a whole week early.

And now the bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly I'm getting these lyrics last on-air practice. Oh shit Yeah, you gotta I mean you gotta know it I mean you gonna you don't have a monitor or it's a thing I could just do Josh Eddermeyers and not know it but just eat all day and be narcissistic and and then when I sing a song I just go But I don't want to do that you want to actually sing it I want to know the words I mean you really did step on my nice Josh smash. No, it's okay. No. Yes eat all day and walk around yourself Thank you for Christine.

Josh is bringing his dog. It's such a bad idea. I told him not to, and then by the time he said he wasn't going to do it, the dog sitter is full because everyone's at Skankfest. I mean, I understand it. He's alone, and that's his family. Sure.

But dude, come on. I just feel like you're now beholden to a situation You have to go check in on and when he's gonna bring the dog to the festival which is fine But but it's not a good environment for the dog really no it's not and the the street is fucking crazy. Yeah, and Someone's gonna have to watch that dog when he goes on stage Yeah, we're gonna make a dog in the room and then go back and do show. Or that, or he's like, hey, you know, dude, can you watch my, what's the dog's name again? Leka.

Hey, can you watch Leka for 20 minutes? I just gotta do a quick spot. No. But there's staff there that can watch the dog for me. It's just, it's an unnecessary lot, more for him than anything else. I'd rather you bring your baby than your dog. Okay. You know what I mean? Let's test that out. Anyone, please bring a baby.

Yeah, Joe, Joe List, bring your kid. Joe, isn't that funny? Sarah said she's not going to be at the gang fest and it's because they have a little baby They have a little baby. I would I would have loved to seen Joe With a little papoose on with the baby right in front doing his set Oh Joe Bjorn list Oh god, maybe Bjorn it would have been the greatest thing ever Singing Bruce Springsteen on stage just after every joke the baby starts to cry because it knows good comedy It's knowing. I'm excited. This is it. This is our last live show.

This is my last show. Before Skankfest. And then we are, Skankfest is this weekend. Then we are off next week. Yeah, off next week. After Skankfest. So Christine can come back to life. That's when they take her out of the machine.

She has to sit in the machine for a week, and Luke Skywalker, like Luke Skywalker? Why were they saying so many words at once? I don't know, you're excited, dude. I am excited. It was a good joke. It was a great joke. We have to put Christine in a Luke Skywalker vat

with all the tubes on her until she opens her eyes again. I'll give you what that deserved. Thank you. I just said all the words at once. It goes, see you see Luke Skywalker. It was Han Solo. No. Really? I thought he was in the... Han Solo saved him. I thought Han Solo was in the... No I'm not talking about the carbonite. Oh you're talking about when he got his arm back. Nope. I'm not a nerd. I was doing drugs. I'm not a nerd either. I haven't watched. It's fair if you don't know.

Are you aware what I'm talking about, Lou? Yes, it's Lou On the on the when they had a when he Han Solo went to go save him cut open that Tan Tan Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, put him inside it and then when they brought him back inside Luke was in a Like a vat with like a bunch of tubes on him and stuff. Yeah, I get you and then so that's what they're gonna put Him in like Chris Christina Christina have to be in the same thing to That's what they're gonna put him in. Like Christine. Christine will have to be in the same thing to bring her back to life after. After the festival. Because she's gonna be worn out.

It's a lot. It's a lot. But it's gonna be fun. It's gonna be a lot of fun. It is gonna be a lot of fun. And so we're taking the week off after Skankfest. Then the following two weeks, I'll be here, Bobby's off, Comedy Camp is shooting its official pilot. That's right, it's gonna be Big Jay and Mike Fennoyer, the new bonfire. It

will be Mike Fennoyer a little bit for sure. The new, there's a new fire blazing at the bonfire. Someone's throwing another log on the fire. We have to go to comedy camp. Yeah, I know, I know. Dude, I mean, you know, we're artists, we're talent, and I've never really been on the other side of it, where you have to be in those meetings, the money meetings, the Zoom meetings about, you know, DPs, you know, who are we gonna get to be the DP? What are you gonna do now, Donnie Duspail,

what pretty young lady are you bringing with you? I tell you what, it is gonna be, we found that the one woman we're gonna pick can't do it, another woman that is not able, so we're onto another woman. I say go blind. I say go out there without a tracker. Can't do it.

That's the fun. Dude, we can't. We're gonna be out there and it'll be too dangerous. To put me in charge of safety is not a good thing. Because if something happens, I'm running. Don't tell Fanoia where your campaign is gonna release pythons He's gonna he's gonna put meat in my bag

We have a good time out there. I'm just gonna keep your seat warm for you Open your bag python jumps that pre-planet pythons in your bag. He puts Snickers bar all over my socks Middle that I'm just getting dragged out by a grizzly Yeah, I we need to get somebody. But here's the thing, movies are so, like they keep telling me, dude, it gets fucked up but we're gonna do it. And movie people, it's a different weird animal.

They get shit done. And I wouldn't be able to do it. I would just give up. I'd be like, let's just figure it out. We'll do it some other time. These people are like, they just make shit happen. Movie people just make shit. And they're saying, we're do it some other time. These people are like, they just make shit happen. Movie people just make shit. And they're saying we're going to get another professional.

Where we're going in the woods, like up until a week ago, or two weeks ago, they didn't even know where it was. Unexplored. Yeah, well we're going, they need to go up beforehand and kind of be like, all right, this is where you guys are gonna be. You know what I mean?

You'll be the second human being ever in this place. We'll be, I mean, yeah. Dude, the local wildlife's probably gonna love that. I mean, it's, yeah, we're kinda, we're risking a lot, but it's gonna be good. If I were you, I would, the only comfort I would have would I would have to sharpen, Jacob, what do you think, give or take,

70 to 100 sticks sharp, and then bury them into the ground around me, walking dead protection style. Do you know what I mean? Where it's like a stick fence, but the sticks are pointing out, so when I wake up in the morning, it'll just be a bunch of dead shit gathered around me

as I sleep in between it. It's Yamanika and Bobby Lee and Norton. They're all stuck on it, because I brought McDonald's in between it. It's Yamanica and Bobby Lee and Norton. They're all stuck on it, because I brought McDonald's in my bag. Well, I don't know, dude. It's getting to the wire, so I'm hoping, I'm hoping, let's put it this way, we're 99% there, we're not 100%,

so I'm hoping that everything in the next week goes through the money's in, I mean, the people, we've self-funded this thing. It's a lot on my back and It's gonna be if if if if it doesn't happen now. It's not gonna happen. I don't think yeah, they have to yeah because do you have to old No, no, no, no. Oh shit. There was a really shitty thing to guess and be wrong about I apologize I mean you're probably right about that, but no I'm not too old I just don't think about how much I was kidding when I said it the first time Because as soon as I said it I was like that's not a good thing to say why because this is probably last year Your legs are gonna work. No, that's not a J. Okay, not that my legs are gonna work

But if we don't get you're enough for seventh fat Well, you know when we were gonna film this was three years ago. Oh, you would have died for sure. It would have been the stuff of legend. There have been so many documentaries about it though. People don't know this, that when we went up, when I went up with, when we started all this shit years ago, I went up with Joe and Ari on the, they had to wait for me. They were nonchalantly walking up this mountain.

I was everything in my power, not giving up. You have two walking sticks? Dude, at one point Ari on the way down had to take my backpack and carry it because my back seized up. Jesus. I didn't know how fat I was, dude. I didn't know I was a fat fuck.

I thought I was spry. Well, they should have told you before they fucking. They should have known that I brought... Ascended a mountain with you. Yeah, Fat Boy brought riseroni and filet mignons up the mountain. Dude, I cook such a good dinner. You know, what was the funniest thing about that was

when we went camping... Mm-hmm. ...with everybody up in, uh, where was that? It was up in, uh, New... It wasn't too, too far. No, it was in, uh, it? It was up in New. It wasn't too too far. No, it was in the, not the Poconos, the, what the fuck is it? Catskills?

Catskills. Catskills, K-O-A, Catskills and New Bridge, or New something. So, very, very fun. But one day, and this is, I understand this. I understand fat on fat crime, I really, really do. I know, I know what you're gonna say. fat on fat crime. I really really do I know I know what you're gonna say um I do but I feel bad Bobby was like We goes we're gonna go hike now. I don't want to go hiking just cuz I don't enjoy hiking. It's just not a

adventure I like I would go bike riding before you know I mean it's not so much like doing a thing It's just hiking I just never understood it mm- it for me. But I know people love it. Bobby goes, we're gonna go for a hike. And he goes, Jay, no pressure dude, you don't have to go. He was like, you don't have to go, it's pretty high, it's pretty steep and Bobby's at his heaviest and he's saying this to me.

And he's going, I went solely because, I'm like Bobby, I'll jog past you on this thing. And I'm not in good shape, I'm just saying, I'll definitely, I was like, I'm not saying I can't do it if you can do it I promise you I can do it but I just went Bob is like no I'll go what did Jay if you don't think you can handle the terrain I don't know if you got the right shoes for you I worry if you get tired by the way at any point you could stop you could take a break I remember I said that your face was so confused

Like you're looking at me, and then you look down at my stomach and you look back up. No. I'll go are you going? I'm good. I'm good Obviously hey, buddy if you got to stay behind cuz you know you don't want everybody to know that you're too fat to walk 360 just a tub of shit. Oh, fuck. That was fucking hilarious. What a fun trip though that was. Dude, it was so crazy to me too,

because I was like, we should do a live bonfire. And Kristin was like, I don't know. I'm like, the show is called Bonfire. And we're sitting in a bonfire. We're gonna sit at a bonfire and do the show. I mean, there's crazy things going on. Ari and, No, and, uh, Rebecca.

No, Becky. Yeah, Becky Rodriguez. Yeah. Who, I wonder if she's coming to Skankfest. Probably, yeah. I always see her once a year at this point now, B-Rod. But, uh, but Becky Rodriguez, yeah, they fuckin', um, give me my, I'm losing my train of thought now. They kept throwing fire.

They kept throwing, yes. They did drugs. They did drugs for sure, and they threw everything in thought now. They kept throwing throwing. Yes, they did drugs. They did drugs for sure and they threw Everything in the fire. They can't including like the water Like a tray of water bottles. Yeah, they turned into pranksters It was bizarre and it was uncomfortable because they kept throwing shit into the fire to see if it would explode or what happened And we were just hanging out enjoying the fire Telling stories, laughing together.

That's why I made, that was lower camp, I made upper camp. I made adult camp, upper camp. And I would go up there and sit by the fire by myself. And you guys are down at lower camp, hucking shit into the fire. I was not hucking anything. You weren't, you were sitting. You're a gentleman in the woods.

I must sit, I listen. I had a blast the night times. Yeah. Well me and you and Ari went camping. We got a cabin, but I mean like a. Oh yeah. On a break between the two weeks of Montreal. Yeah.

We had like a two day break and we went and got a cabin in the woods and like sitting out back and smoking like, I was even smoking cigars with you guys there. Or cigarettes. We're a good cigarettes, well you guys smoked cigars and we just sat by the fire for three hours just talking shit and laughing. Because we, me, you and Ari exchange roles well.

Like I become the girl on certain things, you become the girl on certain things and Ari. I prepared us some nice meals. I wasn't even preparing the meals as much as it was cleaning, I was doing the light life. I prepared, even preparing the meals as much as it was cleaning. I was doing the light. Like. I prepared, I did the meals.

You did the cleaning. I did the cleaning. Because I'm not a cleaner. I don't like to clean, but you love to clean. And Ari's like the, I'll go build a big fire, like all crazy and weird, and run around naked for a little bit. Yeah, he's like the children.

He's the children. We're the husband and wife. Together we formed a family. Yeah. It was perfect. And then the family sits by the fire and talk're the husband and wife. Together we formed a family. Yeah, it was perfect. And then the family sits by the fire and talk shit about other comedians. Then your son walks in with his cock out while you're sleeping in front of him,

mushes it in your face. Things that's really funny, they drop his nut bag on your head. It's really not, dude. It's really not, it's haunting. If you ever met Ari's parents, it's just wacky that they, who they are. When you see them, it doesn't make sense at all.

I picture them being really sophisticated, old Jewish people. Very sweet. Sweet. And yet Ari's dad was in jail for a while when he was younger. For what? It was like blue, it was white collar crime on me.

Like what? I don't know, I really don't remember. Dude, I don't know what a, I know what crime is. It's gonna be a word like embezzlement or something. Oh, he didn't. That's a blue, is that a, no, white collar crime. White collar, is the high level crime. I was blue collar crime. You were blue collar crime. I was blue collar crime, yeah.

Yeah, you're snatch and grab robberies, you're drug stuff. That's a, that's like, now, white collar crime could be drugs, but it's not on the scale of dealing drugs. It's on the scale of importing probably drugs. Did you ever do crime as a kid? Nothing violent ever, I stole some dumb shit, yeah. But you never did like, you know, real crime? No.

No? No, no, I always felt like, I have too much empathy and sympathy, I just like, I don't know. I mean, like the dumbest shit when the kids were like all, a big thing when I was younger was ripping off the hood ornaments of cars. You used to do that too. Yeah, make it.

And I just, I had so many friends that did it, and like, as dumb as it sounded in the collection of it that people were doing, you were like, damn dude, I kinda want like the Jaguar or the Mercedes one. But I just could never, I'm like, man. I just, all I saw was like, you know, you look at it and you grab it, and I just see a guy coming out the next day and be like, I worked so hard for this Mercedes,

and now I gotta go get like a thing on it fixed. I just don't know, it just hit me always. That's good, that's good. I got in trouble quickly when I was younger for going around taking collections for a fake charity. What was the charity? Jerry's Kids. I just did like two houses.

But I was so naive, I came home and told my grandmother, like I was like, Mom, Mom, no worries about money anymore. I figured things out. She's like, you did what? You took me right back to the block and made me give everybody their money back. You're a white collar crime.

It's a white collar crime. Yeah, I was blue collar crime. But yeah, no, I was never involved in like, I never sold drugs to anybody. Nothing. Nope, I never, I said stole like porn magazines and dumb little shit, candy when I was younger and stuff, but nothing big.

Took someone's package one time off their front thing it was the funniest thing ever so we just took it blindly didn't know what it was it was so big and we just stole it and brought it back to my house. Went upstairs to my room and opened it. It might still be in that house my mom's house this thing that was I'm telling you never used it was the I told this in the show before, I believe, it was one of the most basic, early on, but it was way too big and complicated, a sit-up machine. Jesus. It had like an ass pad and then like, you know, a hinge and then a big pad. It was almost like a, it was basically a bench press, a bench without legs. It was like down the floor and on the on the arm part It had two handles that came over your head and it was just to like sit yourself up like

Now this one mine now it is like that but no mine was like more Older this is the one that just had like that It's supposed to be like just the little tubes with the headrest what a sad this thing was a it was so heavy And for one thing it did, these awful sit-ups, and it was loud and clunky and awful, and we built it, and I really said, you know what? My penance was gonna be, because I stole this,

I'm gonna have abs, they're gonna change the world. And then I never used it ever once. Some poor fat guy got motivated. That was his one shot. He was just waiting for this to come in. When it didn't show up, he was like, this is the sign. I'm gonna be a fat... he's dead now. Oh, yeah, he died like that guy got motivated. That was his one shot. He was just waiting for this to come in. When it didn't show up, he was like, this is the sign. I'm gonna be a fat, he's dead now. Oh yeah, he died like that guy in seven.

Like he's face down on a bowl of fucking suicide cereal where it's like every kind mixed together. My machine never came. God doesn't want me to stop. It was a pretty big. I was gonna be, me and Frankie, the kid I used to hang out with We were gonna be drug dealers. We decided this we're gonna be pot

Sells pot and we saved up money. We bought a huge big bag of weed ounce of weed and We started rolling in his house and we were like dude. You got it wrong. We used to call him pinners You got a real pinners man roll real thin ones. Don't put too much weed in it, that's how we make our money. And we started rolling them, and then we would roll ourselves one and smoke. And then all of a sudden, by the end of it, we just unrolled all the joints and rolled two big fat joints and went to the park

and smoked the whole ounce of weed in two joints. And that's the day, I got so fucked up. I remember just being at the park and these two Cheech and Chung bones smoking it up. And then we went to the pizza place and we were laughing so hysterically we couldn't order. And then we robbed the place. But robbed at how?

Well, the girl that was working there, I didn't want to rob it. We were so fucked up. And we drank too. Like I couldn't picture it. Maybe this is right. Were you part of, or ever the front man? No.

Of a complete like, right fucking now, give me what's on you or what's in your cash register or anything? Cause I'm like, that's just such like, being that guy. I could definitely see myself being a follower to somebody doing that and just being caught up in the moment. Yeah. I was 100% the, I could definitely see myself of being a follower to somebody doing that and just being caught up in the moment. Yeah, I was 100% the, I was with those guys.

Yeah, I could be with that, but I'd still be like, I wish we weren't doing this. I thought we were just playing video games. Dude, I was 100% that kid. I didn't wanna do any of it, but I did it. And then I was the guy that when the guys would fight with their girlfriends, these guys were fucking crazy.

And they would, I mean, they would fucking mush them in the face, get the fuck out of here, make them cry, and then I would be the kid that walked the girlfriends home. I would always walk them home thinking in my head that at some point, you're so nice, Bobby, let me suck your dick. Never happened.

But when we were in there, I was talking to the girl. The girl who worked there was this big nose Italian girl who was in my history class. And I was just talking to her, trying to get her to, I was laughing and fucking cracking up. And I was trying to get her to, I was like, I liked you so much. I had the courage.

She's like, really? Frankie got so, he was so fucked up. He went in the back and told the two chefs, who one of them, who he beat up the week before at a party, beat the shit out of him. The chef? The chef, well not a chef, like a kid working in the restaurant. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

And I'm just like, hey, a pepe, why you come back in my suit? Oh no, it's the kid who beat me up last week. Why you gotta come in here? The pizza dough's not ready, beat me back up. Leave Franceso alone, eh, I ain't got no problem with you. He just keeps beating up chefs in town. He went back and said, listen, we're taking the money

and you're gonna say it was two black dudes who took it. Back in the day when you could blame black people for things like that. Oh yeah, not anymore. Not anymore, dude. And he couldn't get the cash register open. And she was crying. She was like, what are you guys doing? I'm like, it't need anymore, dude. And he couldn't get the cash register open. She was crying.

She was like, what are you guys doing? I'm like, it's gonna be all right. Listen, next Wednesday, you wanna go to Dunkin' Donuts with me? I was just trying to get her to fucking go out with me. And I went up and hit the button. I took the money and we ran. And that's the first robbery I did.

It was fucking crazy. I liked the next story, dude. You were the Sexy guy decoy dude. I just want Bob all right. I will be the muscle you just go over there and a hot guy these girls So hey you want to maybe I don't know come play with my dick lady I don't know maybe Yeah It was dude doing like crime, like stealing shit,

I hated it all the time. I hated, we used to get fights all the time, I hated fighting. We, I mean, we would fight all the fucking time. We would go to a party and it would be awesome and I'd be like, this is great. And I'd start talking to kids from other towns because I was always, you know, small talk,

I love small talk, hey man, what's up? And sure enough, one of my fucking dumb friends would throw a punch at a kid's face and we were just fighting. I hated it. Yeah, me too. I fucking hated it. But what happened was doing it so much,

I learned to like take a beating good. And I remember the first time I got the shit kicked out of me really bad. My whole, broke my nose, blood head to toe, and we were walking away and I looked at my friend, Frankie, and I was like, Frankie. He's like, yeah, I was like, I didn't cry, man. It was like the outsiders.

He's like, what? I'm like, I didn't cry, man. You proud of me, Pop? In big group friend fights, I would usually I try to take on the role So you just don't lose a one-on-one. I took on the role of stopping two people from getting one of my friends You know, I mean you push that guy so you get that guy a good nice shove from the side Yeah, and he's blindsided. He might just move on to something else completely and then I'm back on double duty Yeah, you were soda'm back on double duty.

Yeah, you were soda pop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were soda pop. I was Johnny. Hey Johnny, this is Vagani. Yeah. This is Vagani. My friends were so violent, dude.

I remember we would just show up, and kids would be coming, and they would have full beer cans. And then we'd have them, and just walk up, and be like, hey, what's up? And just throw a beer can right at people's face and just watch their face explode from being hit by the beer.

And then just start fighting. And it was... Those aren't good people. I mean, buddy, believe me, I know. My friend, Little J, when his brother got out of the jail, I did help him commit several crimes, but they were so unknowing. What do you mean?

Because he would just do it with you, and you didn't see it coming. So one time I took him, he goes, hey, take me down to the music store real quick. He played guitar and shit. And the only instrument that I've ever dicked around with ever extensively was drums. And so he's looking around, he's like,

and somebody's going to the drumsticks, and he just keeps picking up different drumsticks. And he goes, Jay, are these good ones? I go, yeah, I like those, those are light. I like the lighter drumsticks. And he goes, yeah, okay. And he put them in his back pocket. Now, already, you're putting drumsticks in your back pocket is a pretty strange way to try to steal something

from a store. It's all he's stealing is drumsticks that I don't require, don't have a drum kit at the time, and he's just trying to steal them. And he's to try to steal something from a store. It's all he's stealing is drumsticks that I don't require. Don't have a drum kit at the time. And he just wants to steal something, but he's in his back pocket of his. Now he went to jail in the early 90s for like three, four years. So this is like 1995, 96.

He's out, but he's still stuck in the late 80s like like hair metal world, so he's wearing a wig, a hat, a half top, I'm not kidding, a half top, like a t-shirt. Where'd he get a wig? At like a consignment store when he got out of jail? I think, yes. Where'd he get a wig? You can't have a wig in jail. No, no, when he got out of jail.

He just came out and was like, get me my wig. Oh, this isn't the day he got out of jail. Was he like John Wick? He smashed open the basement floor and took out his wigs? His wigs and his lockpick? Ma, tell me my thing. My chest is still downstairs. No, no, he went, he went and got wig.

I didn't know he was, I'm a very accepting idiot to just what's in front of me. I'm not a big digger. You know what I mean? I don't really dig deep. Okay. On stuff too much if I don't have to. All right, okay, thank you.

Whew. Skankfest is tomorrow. It is. It is, starts tomorrow. Well, the pre-party's tomorrow. But he, when he got out, he said he wears the, see, I didn't know he wore wigs until we saw him in court when he went back to jail,

because he couldn't wear it. And so he was bald completely. But he was wearing a half top and tight jeans and put drumsticks in his back pocket that were flared out. Everybody who worked there were staring at him and just did nothing as he walked out the store. It was so brazen, they didn't know what to do. And then another time I drove him, he goes,

"'Hey, can you stop by the liquor store for a second?' I was like, he goes, hey, can you stop by the liquor store for a second? I was like, yeah, sure. And I'm driving my mom's Honda CRX or whatever it is. And no, LX something. It was a very basic just box car Honda. And I drive him to the liquor store. And when he comes out, I'm so aloof, he gets out very quickly

and he throws two cases of beer in my car. This guy's broke, he has no job. I wouldn'toof, he gets out very quickly and he throws two cases of beer in my car. This guy's broke, he has no job, I wouldn't even think about this, he just throws it in my car and jumps in the front seat so fast, he goes, all right man, drive, and I was like, hey, I was thinking tonight,

when little Jay gets back, that we should all hang at blah blah blah. He's like, whatever man, just drive, and I was like, okay, like I'm just trying to say, I'm trying to figure out which way we're gonna start driving right now, depending on what, he's like, blah, blah. He's like, whatever man, just drive. And I was like, okay. Like I'm just trying to say, I'm trying to figure out which way we're gonna start driving right now, depending on what, he's like, dude, you have to drive. And I'm like, wow, dude.

I'm just like, little J's older brother's a dick. And then that night little J came to my house and he goes, hey, I heard you helped brother rob a liquor store today. I was like, ah. And you know what, now it does make sense. That does all add up now, for sure. Dude, robbing, I remember my friends used to rob people.

Like, just walk up to kids. I did it a couple times. I took, I feel terrible about it now. I feel, I took a kid's Walkman when they first came out. I just asked you if you did this stuff, you said no. I took it But I didn't I never like stole a thing from like looked at them and I took their shit I took his walk man, but I think I gave it back and I took his moped I took this kid moped, but I pretty sure after I ran I cruised around I dropped it off at his house and

Just left it out front with no gas Like I never that's more stealing than robbery I'm talking about a stranger, like give me everything you have on your money, your wallet, whatever, and take their fucking shit. I wouldn't do that. I would wait outside for lunch tickets. Me and this kid, Bobby Cichetti,

we would wait, whenever they called lunch tickets, we would wait out front of the office, and as they're coming out, we're like, give us a ticket. And they would be like, fuck, and they give us a ticket, and then we'd wait in line at the lunch line, then the kids who got the dollar, because lunch was 85 cents, we'd be like, here, buy this ticket off me,

you're only lending me 15 cents. So we'd resell the lunch tickets, and then make cash. What a scam. And then we'd go, and that would be our drug or drinking money for the night. And we did that like once a week. We would just have a bunch of cash.

Yeah, it was all to get fucking high. It was all to get high and drunk. We found out where my friend Benji's dad kept his porno tape collection. And I can't speak for everybody, but I definitely stole several of them over time and would just fully let him eat the shit for it with his father.

Like he would call and be like, Hey, did you guys like take like my dad's videos or anything like that? And I'd be like, buddy, I can't even begin to guess what the fuck you're talking about. And he would just fucking get his fucking, I don't know if he's got his ass kicked, but I mean, he would get like reamed out for it for sure. Cause it's like, you know, and we just keep playing and goes, dude, I don't know what you mean. While I'm putting a new Dirty Debutantes in. Now, I have to go right now. Dirty Debutantes.

I can't talk about this. Dude, it's my favorite story. I mean, dude, one of the best. You know, if you go on LobsterTube, my favorite porn search hub, it's just there's hours and hours of it up there, the old Derry Debut time. And it sorta sucks because they're digital turned from shitty VHS tapes.

But the energy is still there. It was, I mean. One of the fans of the Bonfire, I mentioned a Ginger Lynn movie that I've been looking for for, I don't know, 30 years. They found it? He sent, he, from the description, found it and sent it to me.

Nice. And not only sent me the, he sent me the whole movie. Yeah. Which was awesome. That's great. Because it's such a story. I, you know, I'm a story guy. I know.

I like the credits at the beginning, I like the little action shots where they freeze it like a sitcom, and then they give you the- Do you love the song deep throat like I do Oh, yeah, deep throat Deeper than deep your throat. I missed it. They I missed that they don't make movies No, you don't I love the setup. It was all a sham I these guys felt listen before the times change you couldn't just go to a girl like hey

I'll pay you $400 if you come, I'll interview you, and then you'll suck my dick and I'll fuck you, and I'll fuck your ass so I can give you $400 more if you want. This is the time when you were like, You're a beautiful actress. Yes! But they're the shittiest actors and actresses. It's like stand-up now with fucking crowd-war clips.

Easy. Well, you are a great crowd-warper, I'm just saying. Oh, jeez. You have jokes too, I'm just saying. Oh jeez. You have jokes too. It's Gang Fest this weekend. No, I'm just saying that, dude, anybody can fucking do stand up now and have a million followers. Porn is the same shit.

Back in the day, you had to act. You had to at least think you could act. No, they all think they can, but they're terrorists. That's what Boogie Nights is all about. Listen, it's fine. I like this. I need, hey, what's going on? A little conversation, a little setup.

And then all of a sudden, something happens. Somebody leaves the room, and he slips over and just reaches down and grabs it. And she pretends, oh no, but my husband's in the other room. We shouldn't. And he's like, I won't tell him if you don't. And then he's in the other room dilly dallying, doing all kinds of weird things.

Buddy, you just said a mouthful right there, because I was going to say also that most porn that's back from that time when the girls thought they were actresses and the guys thought they were actors, every porn star you've ever remembered from that time has 85 scenes where they're fully dressed, laying on a bed or in lingerie. A guy who's not their husband comes in,

wildly fucks them, and then the husband comes home. The guy has to hide. She has to sort of fuck the husband now while that guy sneaks out. It's rewritten over and over and over again. I love it. And Bobby likes to watch it. I love a little dilly dally

I love a little I love when a guy's in the other room doing a little dilly dally Well, his wife's getting banged out the other my favorite. Oh, yeah, he's like a sometimes He's a dork and he's just work work work. He's got two phones up to his ear like honey I know I see that you're built like a fucking brick shithouse and totally wet and want to fuck me But fuck I'm sorry babe You got to figure some else to do with your life. I'm busy Yeah, then she looks out the window and the boy the young boy next door is Just picked up his baseball from the backyard

Yeah, and he's looking in and she opens the window my favorite one is the stand-up comedian one You never gonna make it to the majors mrs. Johnson if you don't practice am I right? That's right little Timmy dude the you come up here, I have some thing I can't reach. I need you to reach for me. Sure thing, Mrs. Johnson. The stand up comedian one with the girls backstage and the two comics are there. The two open mics are there, whatever.

And they're you know, they're in their fucking thirties. They're men. And he has to go out and do a set in front of a crowd. And she's in the green room and they just bust her. But he's out there eating his dick. in their fucking thirties, they're men, and he has to go out and do a set in front of a crowd, and she's in the green room, and they just bust her, but he's out there eating his dick, and he's out there, she's in there just getting busted up by these two comics, find that one, dude,

whoever you are, find that one, that was great, and he's knocking on the door, honey, and they gotta clean up real quick, and they're like, hey dude, how was your set? The first porn movie I ever remember getting ahold of and I was able to jerk off myself to it was I stole it from my grandmother's downstairs tenant, Billy Breslow, still a friend of his.

I'm gonna say he stole it from your grandmother. No, Billy Breslow lived, he rented a room for her in the basement, it's my uncle's friend and he had porn tapes and I figured out how to get his door open and sneak in and take his porn. You figured out how to get his door open and sneak in and take his porn. You figured out how to get his door open? It was very easy.

Yeah, thank you, my mom. But he was not your... he was a tenant. So you broke it, you did a B&E. Completely, yeah. What are you talking about? I got caught with that eventually because I couldn't do it the way I normally did, get in his room, and I needed that porn.

And I don't know why I thought this was the idea. The scissors that I would use to open the door usually, I put in the keyhole, immediately broke into the keyhole, and I just acted like it didn't happen. But I mean, I definitely was trying to break into that room. But yeah, I used to take scissors and you can like, it was just like this old wooden, thin wood doors

from like back in the day in a basement. Back when people didn't break into people's houses that much. Well, this was an indoor room though. The room was in the house. It was like right off the basement of the house. It's not an outdoor entrance or anything. It was just to get into the room. I know what you say, make America great again.

I hear you. Yeah, thin wooden door with a latch you could just kind of catch the metal and like pull it in and you open the door But I got this porn and put it in the VCR Man they didn't legality Would have not fact this is a totally illegal situation. I would say what the video was Two guys sitting in a room very 70s door knocks. It's a Asian lady, and not particularly porn star looking at all, and she's there to sell something to them.

You mean she was Asian? Yeah, yeah. Well, there's Asian girls who are very porn looking. But porn is pretty much. But Asian, but they bring her in, she's selling something, and they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, you know, and she's doing, and then kind of shittily pull their dicks out, and stuff in their mouth, and she's like selling something and they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, you know, and she's doing, and then kind of shittily like pull their dicks out

and like stuff in their mouth and she's like, oh, and then they like lay her down. It's a pull the panties to the side, fuck. And they're just getting there from both ends and I was just like, this is great. This could possibly happen in the world. Like if someone sells something at your door, you can just bring them in there and just be like,

yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll talk about that later. Here's my cock. Suck this. I came up on Lady Chatterley. You remember that? Do you remember this? Remember Lady Chatterley? Of course, it's always that Harlequin shit.

Do you remember the- It was always some castle. Yeah, yeah. You know, there was a little- It's porn for chicks more. Sophistication. But you knew you could whack off on Cinemax, which was nice.

I like the fact, the one that the young boy, the young boy was there and she was the teacher. And she was watching like a nanny type situation. And she didn't, there was nothing to it. And then he would watch her change and then one night she caught him and scolded him you shouldn't do this no and it was a slow build slow build like her self-esteem had to slowly kind of fall away and i remember something happened to her with some guy and then she came home one night and he consoled her and she was there and then slowly she looked down and he had a little boner and she was like she she grabbed it with passion

you know she couldn't help it it was like slow slow passion she grabbed it and then she was like you can won't. And then they went at it slowly. She took her breasts out. Those movies, though, did have the milkiest white fucking ever. You know what I mean? Like, no one tanned either on their white skin. So the girls were like pasty, with at best light brown bush. And the guys just like their asses and legs and dicks were stark white with the pinkest tips. God bless them. That was before the 80s porn where everybody was tan.

Yeah, everybody started getting tan, they still had the bushes, and then the 90s started saying goodbye to the bush. Yeah, I miss the bush. I like a bush. Me too. I like a nice bush. You ever have a square bush?

When they make it into a square? Not a square. Looks like Minecraft. Never a square, but the long rectangle I used to like a lot that came up pretty high even, but manicured. Yeah. And I don't mean a strip, I mean a rectangle that goes right up, like pretty high up.

Pretty high up. Raquel Darien had that, she was one of my favorites. Wow, you have a fucking memory, dude. Just that one. I remember Ginger Lynn. Yeah, she was one of my favorites. Wow, you have a fucking memory, dude. Just that one. I remember Ginger Lynn. Yeah, she was on there at the same time. I think that's it. Ginger Lynn, Gage.

Sure. Gage was my shit. You know, I used to like some of the black ones too, a lot. Which one? Janet Jackme was pretty great. Heather Hunter was too, like, if it makes sense, she was too white looking Pornography wise which is what they try to do. You know, they get make the long hair and the whole thing

I think black and I know my accent makes it sound racist when I say that I think black girl blowjobs are the sexiest because they get into it. What are you shaking your head for? Really? He knows they're reluctant. What do you mean? What do you mean they're reluctant? That used to be the dig always, the black girls always sucking dick.

Those days are over now. Black girls and porn, man, they talk. I like talking. And I don't want to, I hate when they make you talk. I like when they talk. I don't, when you're with a girl and it's like, you like that, and they're like, say something to me. You're doing good.

Like I'm not a good talker backer. Yeah, like when the black girl comes in and gets gang banged by a bunch of hillbillies and she's like talking down to them the whole time. You fucking hillbilly trash. Suck my black pussy. I didn't see that one, but I know it. Oh, I'll send it to you.

Oh, I'll send it to you. I like, I do like, I like talking to girls. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm fine. I gotta see him going to work, dude. I like a POV and I like dirty talk, but I don't wanna be, like even when I'm with a girl, please don't ask me to talk dirty back, because I don't know what to say. I'll say something stupid, like, yeah, me too. You know what I mean? I don't know.

I mean, I'm a good grinder, I'm a good you fucking. I'm a good you fucking I'm a good you I can see like to work you fucking You fucking were fucking you fucking fucking More of everyone's fucking I can mumble. I'm a good It's a party in the USA. Yeah, I love when a girl looks right at me This is what you want. Is this what you want?

Yes, this is fucking wonderful. I wanna ask what this is before our guest comes in because I don't want a blind side. Yes, Jacob? No, I mean, you said young lady Charlie. That's what I, that was like the only porn because I only had Cinemax. Yeah, Cinemax.

So Cynthia Kristel was like it for me, but they never showed anything but the tops, but I didn't care. They're like, you realize when you're older, like they were fucking their belly buttons. They were hot, but I didn't care. You guys didn't do, Bobby, do you remember the Cinderella? The Cinderella porno where it's the snapping pussy?

You're trying to find the snapping pussy? No. No one else saw this thing. You know. You know, I remember when Patrice found that like when they started doing sitcom porn. Yeah And I can't I can't get into that and then they did a superhero porn. Yeah, it's dumb, too Yeah, but it was a chance to see it is funny to watch China get her green makeup butt fucked off of her It is funny to watch China get her green makeup butt fucked off of her Remember because I think we're talking about the same film I'm thinking you're talking 1985 young lady chatter Lee too. Yes, and I remember because the Nick the dick is in it. He's always three names. He's Nick the dick in

bachelor party bachelor party Thomas the Gardner and young lady Chatterley 2 and Shane the Butler in Malibu Express. Oh yeah. Wow. That's his like three roles that I know this guy from and he's basically soft porn in each one but in that one that you're talking about when she deflowers Virgil who's like they purposely make this kid out to be super nerdy. And she finally says, well, I have to make him a man. And as he's fucking her, I remember he goes, mama couldn't have known.

That was the big line. And she goes, it's time Virgil. And then as he's banging her, mama couldn't have known. That was like hardcore porn for me. Did you know Batman was in that movie? Adam West, yeah. I remember. Oh yeah.

I couldn't believe it, because I knew him as Batman. Well there was a time. This was before there was Michael Keaton. Cinemax actresses, real actresses, were doing that soft core. Yeah. You know what I mean?

I actually know somebody who is a friend who There was like Jamie Prezley. Was a regular actor, actress, and was in one of those and it was shocking. Yeah, they've been a couple of those. I mean like. I mean look, Adam West, they got Adam West to do it. They must have just paid him...

How do they do that? How do they do that? But, like, I'm sitting there going, okay, I get this gig... He's like a wacky... ...where I'm gonna bang, you know, softcore porn. And I've worn one of those things in a... When I filmed the Bronx warrants, I had to wear a Stamenkyo sock. Mm-hmm.

But my penis just crawled in my body out of fear. Absolutely. It just kept sliding off. I hated it. And I don't know how these guys are banging away. Because they got big cocks and thin bodies. Yeah, I guess you know what? I fucking hate them.

It was right in front of me. I didn't even see it. Speaking of big, huge fat cocks, what is this top thing? Am I on the loop on here? Kevin Hart, divorce? Well, here's the thing, dude. This peed, first of all-

Is that a guess? I'm gonna say this. This peedity thing, divorce? Well, here's the thing, dude. This, first of all. Is that a guess? I'm gonna say this, this P-Diddy thing, I brought this to the table a long time ago. And a lot of people in this room. Yeah, but not before there was smoke. People didn't believe me. I was like, this guy's a PC, and you, who knows?

Sure. It's all coming, you. Well, we know he's a beauty, he beat the shit out of that girl. We watched it. Yeah, but it's all coming out well we know he we know he's a beauty beat the shit of that girl We want yeah, but it's all coming out now and apparently this is allegedly That a lot of people are gonna start going down because there's videos of these parties the freak offs the freak up people have videos Mm-hmm, and I guess in the the the Investigation this is it could be all bullshit. I hope it is, because I love Kev.

You wanna film a freak-off this weekend? What? Should we film a freak-off, dude? Us all eating shirtless in the room? Yeah, freak-offs. And then doing tummy time? Yeah, no girls, just all of us, just fucking, all of us maybe rolling around the bed

with our shirts off. Let's do it. All around, just fucking freaking off, man. Let's do a tummy time sandwich. Oh man, what a freak-off. You, then me on top of you Lou on top of me black Lou on top of Lou and then Jacob on top of black Lou Well, how about this? Have you hear this ready?

We all lay Shirtless yeah on a bed. Okay facing the same way and then with no hands like arms out We constantly change places Just rolling over this one and rolling over that one. He rolls over. Oh, what a fun little game But whoever falls off the bed loses. Yeah, and then the last two fuck it's called a freak off There's thought to be a freak off you love kev but what what does it say divorce it says because You also have to be a freak off. You love Kev, but what does this say divorce for? It says because they apparently, the videos that the FBI sees and the photos and in some of these photos our little friend is in this doing some fucked up shit. Now this is allegedly, you know, now it's all in the

it's all out there and you know Jaguar saying shit, everybody's saying weird shit now so you don't know what's true or not Who's Jaguar right? She's that, she was a singer back in the day. With P. Diddy. With P. Diddy. So she's coming out and saying, I've been hearing that stuff. She's been saying it for years.

Dude, she's been saying it for years. But no one listens, she's a black woman. No, people listen to her. Preach it. But I didn't listen, she was a black woman. I guess there's, yeah, there's actually photos and videos of people and, you know, a lot of people are there. Isn't that what they said with Epstein? Like, no, there's there's actually photos and videos of people and you know a lot of people know what they said with Epstein like nothing then he then he they murdered him no right so I'm saying like isn't p-ditty probably gonna get killed in prison I

Mean it's good. It's gonna be crazy if he doesn't Because he's gonna come out a lot of stuff a lot dude He's you don't think he's gonna turn the FBI put video out of like, have fucking guys or eight girls or whatever? I don't, I... Like why would it come out, even if they found it? Well, dude, well... I don't know if it'll come out, but... People, people...

He'll be in trouble for it. It's in evidence. And people who see the evidence... But why, what's the difference they're gonna say if Kevin, it's not illegal for Kevin Hart to get his dick sucked at P. Diddy's house? No, no, no, it's not illegal to do any of that. But if you're married and your wife finds out about it.

Oh, it's gonna fuck his life up for sure. That's what divorced, so she's hearing, I guess. Oh, so it's not that Kev's gonna be in some kind of legal, legal jail or anything. No, no, no, no. Just the fact that he partied like that. He was at the parties and apparently she's, but it could be bullshit, dude.

It could be bullshit. And look, you're at a party, shit's going on, just cause you're in a room and there's a bunch of guys fucking each other with Justin Bieber, that doesn't make you a criminal. You're just there. That makes, I mean, you wouldn't watch, you wouldn't take a couple.

Of course. Is that Justin Bieber? If you go right now, B. Diddy's in the bathroom fucking Justin Bieber, I try to get into the bathroom. I try to listen. With your sisters. There's a video of him doing an interview with like 15 year old Justin Bieber. I made this guy a man, we took him to some parties. We can't say what we did.

Yeah, it's when they're by the car, right? I think so. Like outside by the car. It's outside. Yeah, Pete Diddy's definitely, or Justin Bieber's definitely uncomfortable in the conversation. He's like, how come you don't take my calls no more, man?

You don't wanna hang out no more. He's like, I don't know, take my calls no more man? You don't want to hang out anymore. He's like I don't know man, like 15 Yeah, I mean, you know you think about the stuff That came out with Kevin Spacey. Yeah stuff that's gonna come out with this with famous. I mean Famous people were at these parties Famous but but for a freak back. Do you think like? Famous, famous. But for a freak-off, do you think like... Stacey's back.

Stacey's back. Louie's back, Stacey, Weinstein's back. Do you think like... And they said, some people say that people have bought, they sold the freak-off tapes before. I don't know, but... Which is not, like, that's what I'm saying, like what... I guess there's explicit footage of these things, I guess,

but like, how dark down the road are you, that you're, this is the the world does it make sense like I'm not saying I'm in the fucking odd sex shit I'm sure and stuff but I mean I don't know if it has to become like my I would never be like if I became a multimillionaire tomorrow is like Christine let's have a party where everybody's you know girls are shooting champagne out of their assholes into champagne glasses and everyone's fucking in the pool I just know weird like sounds like fun I'm just saying I'm like I'm a pretty pervy dude and it's just why don't understand this yeah exactly like let's get everybody

involved and document it like because here's the thing however pervy my idea and this is maybe something that comes with age, however pervy the idea and strange of a situation, it's like let's do this, when I come, or I'm done coming, whatever, when I'm like, we're eating. We're going to the kitchen. One I have to smoke.

And we're having cereal, we're gonna order pizza, and then we're doing tummy time and watching Joe Mattariz's videos. As soon as I come That's what's going on Nobody goes as I come like I now feel the ridiculousness of anything we've done Yeah, the shit talking that whatever the you know I'm saying it all kind of snaps back to like Okay, so that's weird right what we all just did

You suck Justin's cock That's weird, right? What we all just did? You suck Justin's cock in a horse farm. That was crazy, right dude? Just until my hair comes back, man. But fuck a paper trail. Let's make a video trail. That's what's crazy. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. And who's there going like,

you know what ain't a pee diddy? Freak off until I'm Kevin Hart getting my dick sucked by fucking Solange Knowles. I don't think, here's the thing, I don't think, I don't think Kevin isn't, Kevin's not that stupid. He's not. I don't think he is, yeah. Even in the video that he was in with P Diddy when P Diddy was saying weird shit about wrestling

in the bed, he's like, yo man. What are you saying? What are you, just stop saying that shit. But Kev may have been standing in a black robe around a circle while P. Diddy killed a girl. I think they're just trying to suck everybody they can in. They're doing the turn on them. They want to suck everybody they can in to have people turn and start telling them this is what really happened. And I think Kev unfortunately is gonna- he's- look at JLo dude. JLo's in this shit.

JLo's deep. she was with Pitty. Pitty's gonna be like, don't trust that bitch. She dropped a grumpy in my bed. That worked for Johnny Depp. She dropped a grumpy. Who was it? LeBron James, dude, deep. The picture of LeBron James in the French maid dress,

have you seen that? Hot. Is that real? That's not real, really? I don't know. If you listen to Kurt Metzger, everything you've seen is real that is P. Z fucking meek mill. Although Did you other see the other thing with meek mill and and P diddy? Did you see the other video recently? I'll find that little work meek mills in a pool. He's like you about to go platinum daddy

You about to do something day. Now. Here's the thing the jokes are I Daddy, you about to do something, now here's the thing, the jokes are, I, there is possible a video in the world of me speaking exactly like that to a buddy of mine. Does that make sense? But I am a comedian, I joke, P. Diddy is not, it's not a hip hop thing to do. It doesn't seem like two hip hop guys

would sit around making like gay jokes to each other. Two white guys would. Here's how crazy it is though. When they, when they accused him of fucking the cop from diehard, I'm like, all right, dude, this is gotta be real now because why would you even throw that in the mix? That's so out. The, you know, the cop from diehard, Carl Winslow did he supposedly fucked him too. He came to the house one night and they fucked Car Winslow.

And it's like, that's so crazy, it has to be true. No. I mean, dude. No, I can't say what's wrong about that. You're not just gonna throw that into the mix. That's like so nuts. I'll tell you why, I'll tell you why. There's a whole thing with that.

I believe I read a bit of it about that. It's a mistake on what they're saying. It's not Car Winslow the dad. I think Eddie Winslow, the one who was the son, because he's like dating like a trans girl now very famously. I think it was someone making a mistake and saying Carl Winslow, and they meant to say Eddie Winslow,

the guy who plays the son. I think Carl Winslow is gay, right? He's gay too. Reggie Valjonsson? Very possible, but I don't think... I'm just gonna be honest. I don't think that fat guy's getting invited to a freak call. That's why I'm saying it's got to be true Because why would you throw him in? Oh cuz it's gonna be Darius McCrary

I saw when when people when when Richard Pryor's son came out and said that he fucked Sam Kinderson It shocked my fucking world Yeah, but it's also probably not true. It's true. It's 100% true. What percentage? 100%. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, there you go. You weren't in the room.

Listen, first of all, he said, what's his name? The comic. Paul Mooney. Paul Mooney used to fuck him. Of course. And he. Paul Mooney's a gay guy. Yeah, but Sam Kinison did some weird shit, man

It was back in the 80s too when everyone was but fucking gay shit wasn't really that bad No, it's when it was it's worse bad. It was AIDS That's when it got bad That's when God was like listen, you guys are getting crazy with this butt fuck. Yeah. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa Yeah, ten years to sort this out. Dude, anything is believable now. When you find out that Richard Pryor's son was getting fucked by Paul Mooney,

and who else, didn't he fuck somebody else? Dice. Let's just start rumors. No, he didn't. No, stop, stop. Kevin Hart. Oh! Oh!

You think I gotta fuck some kid? You think I went up a hill and sucked the dick You gotta be fucking kidding me I have this dude It's it's all it's so crazy that it has a lot of stuff has to be true and the FBI they're holding him No, no bail I mean a lot of shits gonna come out with this and I guarantee he's gonna he's gonna go away. He's gonna go away because Billions of dollars are at stake right now