The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Dildos (feat. Ian Fidance & Jordan Jensen)

Episode Date: June 8, 2023

Ian Fidance reveals a famous fling and Jordan Jensen shares the best dildos to purchase.

Hey everybody, I'm Bobby Kelly. And it's Big J. Okerson. We're actually a full radio show on Series XM, not just a podcast. Hey, guess what? For full episodes of the Bond Fire, you can listen on the Series XM app. Go to seriesexm.com slash Bond Fire for a special offer. And now the Bond Fire with Big J. O'Courson and Robert Kelly. Bobby's still pissed at me. I hope he has the chance at his concert.

Why? Bobby's pissed because he thinks he today goes, I'm going to buy tickets for the cure for his wife and kid. For his wife and kid. She loves the cure. Always as love the cure. I've never liked the cure. Max likes the cure for my wife and kid and my kid she loves the cure always as love the cure I've never liked the cure max likes the cure I don't like the cure I said I'm going and I'm not a huge fan I'm not a huge fan but I like them but I see experience I go but I'll go Christine's really into it other

people are going it'll be a lot of fun not in bail at all I Bobby was buying tickets for his wife and kid and he goes, I was like, oh, you should go. I'm going. What did I say? He fought it a little bit. What did I say? I don't like the cure. I said, I don't want to go. Well, because you're transphobic. That is not, I love Ian. You can say Jordan. I love both of these people very much. Now you're false identity, I'm trans people. I am 100% not. We have two great guests. Whoa, we have two great guests here on the website. Two great guests, about five, everybody.

From the B&E and podcast with Jordan, new episodes airing on YouTube Wednesdays at patreon.com slash B-N-B-E-I-N, E-N-I-A-N, pod. B&E and pod everybody, it is the hilarious, E-N finance and Jordan Jensen, everybody. It is the hilarious, E and finance and Jordan Jensen, everybody. First time on the show for Jordan's pretty exciting. Is it really?

Oh, it is. Yeah. I just met Jordan officially, like, hung a couple weeks before we did the Kid Rock show, and she did a Legion of Skanks, which she killed. Well, first we hung out at, you had a dirty show oh yeah yeah that's right the dirty show at the cell that was short live that's the first time I met you when I was like oh my god I had no idea that this was the man we had the same I had the same

no friends with him but he was we had the old malgoth thing going on you want to go the cure on the 20 and same face hair why are you bailinging? He's not gonna bail. I'm up bailing. What's going on? What happened was it cost $750 for three tickets. Okay. And he's falling the pieces. That's a crazy price. It's crazy price for a band. I don't want to see. Got it. That's fair. Okay. So why don't you take his kids? His idea. Well, my kid. Of course, well, my kid is not my kid. Apparently it's Jay's kid. We found out we're very similar Yeah, Jay and Max a very small he does have the dyed hair and stuff. I do see it. Yeah, it's weird. I need a phone Oh

You want me to be your father? Yeah, yeah, do you like the cure? Yeah, no, okay? I mean I like what you like. I like what you like That's the type of son I want right there Yeah, it it is. It's type of fun that I want. That's the type of son you want. And I can't get arrested. Yeah, you can get arrested.

Totally legal. What do you have? After some band you just go to be like, I should see that. We saw it. I went to see John Cougar-Mellon camp last night. It was awesome. I couldn't do that. Yeah, but I went to see the who, because everybody was like, it's the who?

It was awful. Was it awful? It was so bad. Why? You don't like the music at all? No, it's not that I don't like the music It was just like it literally was just Tommy playing on a giant screen with a tiny little band of ancient people You know, yeah, I was like I might as well just watch Tommy. That's all this was I did see Bruce and he was great though But he had a whole lights up in MSG said bring the lights up. It was awesome. So you got to just yeah

Billy Joe's always fun live at the garden. Billy Joel, look, I think Billy Joel is kind of hack. What? It's hack New York, but I'll say this. I'll just, I'll just, he can't say someone's hack if they're the original thing of it. Yeah, he's whatever.

Your thing is played out. But I'm gonna say this, go on a Billy Joel, I get it. But when you go, it's amazing. He takes over. When you're there, I fought it last time. Collette Michaels. I was like, I don't want to go. But then once I got there, you're singing, you're dancing, you're lovely.

It's a safe space for white to dance. It's great. Billy Joel. You won't be judged. Yeah. Got a hard course show. That's a fucking place to dance. What is that?

Yeah, hardcore show where you get in the monster. I feel like you are being judged. I love me. No. I feel like the Black security guards think this is what Naziism is. No, there's tons of blacks in the crowd too. Spanish.

So many blacks there. Yeah. I think someone say too many blacks in hardcore show. I don't like, I get too anxious when there's a pit or some type of violence happening. So what's going on with this concert? What is the what I didn't want to go to the cure, but now I'm $800 in the hole. And I'm going to go to the cure. He up that price.

He up that price just now to make to get people on his side. It's $900 with tax. I it's $1,000. So you're offering me to go through. That's true. I could pull it off. I don't want you to go on my wife, because my wife might like you. She loves girls like you.

They always do. I know. That's how you get them. Fucking Jordan is just living in my house. I got to have an apartment down the street in Elmsford. I'm in your shed. And I'm going to apartment down the street in Elmsford. I'm in your shed Everybody's in the shed

Oh my god, they're fighting already. This is podcast is not gonna last. I'll share it. They're fighting It's gonna last I know what's the other thing you got this is his that coffee's mine. I will share This is this is what happens when she comes in my apartment. Immediately she ransacks my cabinets and my fridge. I leave yesterday for five minutes. I eat your moldy food that you would have. I come back. My Indian food is gone. I shit my brain.

She's gotten into some yogurt that should have been in the trash. It's a raccoon I let in my apartment every day. You don't go to a bachelor's house and just start picking through the fridge. It's a raccoon, I let my apartment every day. You don't go to a bachelor's house and just start picking through the fridge. It's a crazy idea. What? I do it every time. Every house I go into. When I was a contractor,

oh, and the homeowner was gone. I was sticking my little fengies in there jam, just eating their food while taking a shit and it's all that's not done yet. Oh, yeah. One time I was in there, and they're toilet, I forgot to hook up, yeah. Once I mean, I was working construction. me and my buddy were redoing a kitchen and the

homeowner came home and we were doing back flips on their trampling. Oh, they came home. We're just in the backyard. Just FYJ is laughing. He just can't laugh because he has new teeth. So it looks like a fake teeth, but it's not a fake. They look great. Yeah, they can do it. When you get them done you that morning

Wait they filed down your little now they filed them down three weeks ago and put temporary Yeah, so it feels like he's fake laughing at you My lips are doing exactly They look real I usually I can tell yeah, those are great Bobby. Do you have real teeth? These are mine. Yeah, those are yours. He's a mind have your teeth? These are mine. Those are yours. These are mine. Give them to me. Where? Who's your teeth? God Jordan needs new teeth. Uh, the Kim, which is the Kim, what's family? Me see? You have a teeth. Now, look at it from another angle. What angle missing a one all of them back? That's

in visual. That's in visual. I'm getting in visual. I'm getting a visual. I'm getting in visual. I'm getting in visual. I'm trying to love myself. I'm working with Alan. I'm loving myself. You know what he said the other day? Yeah, I said take a shower. He said you're perfect. I said What I'm making up. What? Listen, sorry. Me and the inner assholes. I apologize. What have he said? We're near saddle. Sorry Stop being at a people's hands. Yeah. Sorry.

There you go. We're terrible. Jordan, go ahead. Love yourself. Stop nibbling little children's fingers when they're just trying to feed me. Yeah. I don't like this. I don't like how they got you to turn yourself.

It's because of the hobby. Me and Christine, me and Christine through looks and humor developed a little crush on Jordan over the Nashville Festival me and Christine Jordan has Something about her. What's that tell me what is it? No, you have she's just attractive and you was something about her She's the bad all terribly back in a compliments. She's I'll say this for an attractive person. You got something That's what I'm saying. I'm glad you said. Oh,. Oh, she's just attractive in general. Jay, Jay, I know, she's attractive. I just hung out with my ex boyfriend and he was like, you know the difference between

dating people like you and dating these like really hot girls and I was like, hey, ouch, hey really, just a quick out show. Wait, which ex? Not big dick. Okay, yeah. You're unconventionally good looking. Thank you.

I'm gonna explain that. You are pretty But only a conventions She's pretty a Comic Con no listen no you because when you think of a you know hot You know that you but you're you're you're you're very bad. Don't look at me like that You're you're very bad don't look at me like that. I throw up We wear man you're very pretty you're very pretty girl Very pretty. Yeah, you're very she and I are both very are no He or bucket George it ends the same thing. Jean is a good look attractive, dude, but not conventionally

You know, yeah, we are we are non-traditionally handsome men active do but not conventionally. Yeah, we are non-traditionally handsome men. Me and you. I mean. Bobby, you're the only conventionally handsome person in here. When you pulled the gig, you got those lips. You got that shadow now. The shadow is the look.

The shadow is the look. Well, you see, I've began taking Bobby to my mega super sexy I've began taking Bobby. Yes. To my mega super sexy, to my American hour, Jesus, super mega sexy, barber, I say it.

I said, I get my wife now you want Isaiah? Yeah, what? This is like, it's like, queer eye, I'm either vetting myself. It's like queer eye for the queer guy.

Yes. Exactly. Bobby had never gone to a barber to get his beard tightened up. Yeah. I don't know if I was a good dude. You can't go. up. Yeah, I don't mind. Was it good dude? You can't go first of all it's not happening second of all. Yes. It's magical It's very magic if you go you're gonna fall in love with this guy

Don't bring him don't bring him cuz he is gay he has pizzazz you're absolutely right. He's got pizzazz He'll end up spending time yep with him and I don't want that I don't want that either will I become a barber shop boy? He's is Isaiah gay? No, I love her, but he will He's not he's flattered by the notion, but he might cut you for you make a pass at him. Yeah, he's not Italian yeah, no Dominican. They're Dominicans are very similar. No man spends that much time on their hair Beard and jewelry without being all I don't think, I don't think he's gay, take it back, but I will say, take it back. I would talk to stick.

Okay, slow down. I don't know about that. I'm going to kiss a little. I would never. I would never. I would kiss soft kiss and pull away very slow. Here's what I'm envious. And we talked a lot.

And we talked a lot about him yesterday. So here's what I'll say, my most impressive thing that I have never had in my life He looks like a model and he clearly wakes up it looks like for for work and throws on some pants and a button-down White shirt that's nondescript whatever and then winning maybe and just that's a beautiful way it like even He doesn't have it tucked in but the way it like Hits the hips kind of and tux a little bit almost you know, I mean it just looks great I don't know you mean I need a photo. I think he walks through flowers and that's his you guys are describing

Fabio I mean describing it like Do we have a picture of him that I could get hard? I don't know what it looks like. What's a comedian that he's closest to looking like? None. Oh, a comedian? None. Yeah. Is he conventionally attractive?

I don't know. Is someone who's hot on Telemundo? He's conventionally attractive for sure. Yeah. Yeah, undeniably sexy. Yeah, good job. Is he tall? Oh, he is tall.

Perfect. Or high and tight. Hair. What age? Here's what we need to know. What age? 175 years. need to know what a 175 Yeah, yeah, he's been around for a hundred seven kids Probably 37 I know oh, so no kids no girlfriend

Former model left the business because he said it was too much with the women in the fun and travel Yeah, he's gay Phil Hanley did the same thing Yeah, yeah, and he's gay too This guy makes Phil Hanley look like a pile of shit emoji. Yeah, oh wow. Yeah, he makes Phil Hanley look like it works at best buy Yeah, really yeah fuck Phil Hanley. I'll say it. I love Phil Hanley Yeah, I gotta go where is he no you're not going can we just spy on him outside? neither want to just look at we should let people look at him I want him to touch me can you take a picture with him and then show us I you know that Ian will not respect the boundary of go he'll go in he will go in he'll go in you know

that Jordan he'll go in I won't go you will go in look at me in the eye I can't believe he hasn't I won't go you not look at me in the eye. I can't find them Christine type in Isaiah Gotham City Barbers That does anything I look like sexy Dominicans and button up shirts to see if there's any He looks like it looks not like that. No, if I just say what reminds me most of him here is no No, the blue shirt or the red. That's what most reminds me of it I would say the red that's to whoa wait wait where's the red what the fuck

I mean he's he's Jennifer Lopez as a man you wouldn't want to see me what I do under that smock when he was cut in my hair see I told you's a slut he'll fucking ruin it no don't do it this is all for show I wouldn't would you does that get going we were just talking about the bisexual does that get you going it doesn't get me going because it's too womanly those are breaths. It doesn't get me going on the street I wouldn't walk by that guy and be like oh yeah, but you put them on a dating app and I'd be like come over So it's when he's when he's handling your face and head Can I show you how he handles us? Yeah handling. Oh

My god, I just got erect. Yeah, he's not exaggerating at all And he also he also like butterfly. What a despirado he but again he butterfly knife Oh, yeah, oh my god. Yes. Oh, it's a Yes, I say also let let me say butter fly knife's his His razor blade like it's oh my god You gotta wait a second he bummed like it and then he taps your tit. He goes Why does he do that? I don't know I think it's a Spanish thing because he uses Bullfighting his heart because he uses he uses customers like a cum rag and he just puts his towel here on me like I'm a fucking table

Oh, yes, and then he does a shame. Yeah, then he just gives a little tap off Oh, he does a bachata with his hands. Oh my god. Oh, sometimes they'll do this. He'll he'll edged you He'll get you going you're edging me right now And then just and then he just has to and then he has to vanish for a little bit leave the store all together Yeah, to jerk off Fuck all those to fuck somebody somebody, to fuck his mum. Probably to bang a lady. Yes.

I think he goes to bang a lady and he walks an older lady's dog because he's that charitable. For sure. I thought he told me a story. He forced the old lady and then he walks her dog. He told me a story one time that he called a woman over on this beautiful woman he saw and he called her over to change numbers whether they call, they agree to meet, just a fuck basically at a hotel or a motel and he went there and he took

a shower when he got out of the shower she said do you want to pay me now or later she was a prostitute and he was like oh no and he started to kick her out he started to kick her I go is not I don't do that and then she fucked him anyway. Yes, and I believe him. That's not happened to you never They they go I'm a prostitute. I tricked you and I go well. I mean Yes, that's what happens that you're right. That was the way that was Do you go you go prostitutes? Yes, okay? I need to stop accidentally did one after a show that we did together there was a woman who was a Accidentally did one after a show that we did together. There was a woman who was a whore. I mean just a nutty person.

Accidentally fuck a br- would you- would you- She tricked him. She tricked me. She told me she was a- She told me she was in the industry. I thought she was like on only fans. Then it turned out- She told me she was gonna help me- She's gonna help me- She's getting to just the left. She tells me. She's doing my time.

She tells me she's an escort and I go, oh well I hope you're off the clock tonight because I usually don't get escorts. And she goes, of course, I'm not working tonight. I'm like, oh, we go back to her place. And we start like, no, making out. You went back to a hooker's place. I brought on my luggage because I had to go to the yard. You moved into a hooker place. Yeah, yeah. What's that on the bed? She goes, that's the yesterday's come. I had to step over children's toys.

And so she is like on top of me and we're making out. She goes, let's talk money. And I was like, I hope this is about I.O.R.A.s. I like telling people I can best. And she got me to the point where I like could say no so I gave her money that much how much let me guess Let me guess go 50 bucks. No No, he gets coerced way more than that you pay 300 and Bobby can't spend and she goes to the cure

Yeah, and she's 300 on an in call is way too much money. I'll give you a hand rule 300 in a on a trap. Yeah, on a trick 300 is an out call that they come to you. You don't go to them Yeah, well, I made the mistake into a one for seven a couple weeks ago on that one 700 bucks It was a bad idea. That's three tickets to the cure. I know that's Three tickets to the cure. Well, they ask you question. What? 700 did you know a 700 when you were going in? Yes, I blacked out. My eyes go black like wing of crow.

Just pay me all the time for 700. I know you don't want. Get your sex. You just want somebody to rub your back. Yeah, yeah. I made her scratch my back and I played with her cat. I'm starting to get hard again. Dude, you give me 750 so I can make that stupid

cure money back. I'll rub you down. Really? Yes. Put on acrylic nails. Scratch his back a little. Let's do it I'll use my dead toenail Valentina. We should have some sort of a contest Columbia of who can

Will you more of me or Bobby in a bisexual way? I'm not attracted to either wait. Are you here bisexual? No, I'm not bisexual either. I don't like Bisexual you're really sexual like a blind massage me get some fucking shoe polish and some muscles and we'll talk Okay, this is both you guys are not I Wanted to wear black face? What Jordan feel that and tell him? Oh my god, I feel it There's a basketball over here. What do you got? That's like I'm going on

What are you guys bulking up for is a Over here you know you're here and feel me Eyes looking into your eyes like this bullshit What's bullshit? He's winning this contest eyes looking into your eyes like this. Bullshit. This is bullshit. Just staring at me. You're winning. What? What's bullshit? He's winning this contest. Yeah, he's back.

Go to the show to fill the show. What's going on? Are we lifting like this? What's up? Ian, come feel what a brick shit house I am. I love the fucking eye contact. Bobby's like, you know, you see there? You feel it?

I know that. I don't like his assuredness that he's like you know you see there. You feel it? I know that I don't like his Assuredness that he's not into either one of us. Yeah, it's I just want to seduce you better Well, Bobby is winning right now I can't come over you're not even flexing. Yeah Over here With your cord like you carry like well, how do you even know you like him in on me? Fine you could be with Bobby like you carry like well how do you even know you like him and not me. Jay I would be in court. Yeah. I don't even have an even. No it's fine.

You could be with Bobby. Forever. Forever. Or whatever. I don't even care. Things are stupid anyway. Everything is stupid anyway. Jay and I would have more fun going to concerts and loving each other afterwards.

Bobby and I would have more fun doing a sexual act and then acting like we've never known each other. Yeah, dude, we would fuck around and then we'd just be like, what's up dude? So, so see you next door. Yeah, we were right to the spots. Fucking hang, I'll take him to the row with me. And didn't you, is that you that has a story with Bam Marjera, with interviewing Bam Marjera?

You fuck Bam, Bam? No, I thought you had him on your podcast. And that was the famous person. I sang it. I sang it a couple of times. They might have been saying it. Famous point starts. Yeah.

But no actors or anything. Well, the first transgar ever dated was Laverne Cox. Really? That's not true. Yeah. You dated Laverne Cox for like a month. You dated Laverne Cox? Yeah. Yeah, well

We didn't like date. We were just we would just show up in hook up I'm like I'm a Vern Cox CEO. Is that her last name? This was C OCK this was I think 2006 2007 No, what was it sure you weren't fucking a prostitute who is liver and C OC Ks? fucking a prostitute who is Lever and C.O.C.K.S. Oh, you're right it was. Yeah, good job. She's famous though. She's both. She's famous now. She's the most trans person. She's also famous for her. I love it. You dated this woman. We hooked up for a month. Yes, we would go to dinner and then hook up and then I'd show up at her place drunk and come and go, are you sure I'm not gay? It was very bad. You put your leaner in her butt? I don't consider. Sure.

How do you think he came by reading each other poems? Oh my God, stop it. Monster, huh? What? That's a noise, I mean. He's doing pantomimes, so he has a big penis. He has a monster. I like it. I've always said, I I go to that reddit page

yeah often you know the big dick uh big dick shimmy I think it's called it's and it's intriguing as hell I don't think you want to say that what what she could sue you for slander allegedly allegedly allegedly there's no slander you had sex with somebody named liver and no we didn't even have sex We that's so fun and we're so we need for that I'm on if this bitch says one more time that I have a humongous cock. I'll be I would I that's quite enough of my humongous cock talk So sick of it so sissy keeps and have a big Cam on my my outie but hold okay on my Audi belly. He's got a tiny butthole, okay? My cock is normal.

He's got a teeny tiny ass. He came on my Audi belly button. I was a little insecure guy, and I mostly had to get drunk to be with her, and I was hiding behind alcohol, and I wish I could have a do-over with her, and just apologize for how immature I was at the time, and not being who I am today was just being open.

And not ever show you how to go. Ew. Ew. I'm so good. No, whoa, shit. If I could do it over, being who I am today with just being open and not ever show you come and go no no if I could do it over I would not talk into repeat is like a mic okay I would not have it go on you blower and drop our dick like a mic

oh what's up so my mama told me never argue in front of white folks oh my god y'all the Chris rock walk off wow there's a weird thing happens if you fuck a dude with a huge in front of white folks. Oh my God. You're like an oe. The Chris Rock walkoff. Wow. There's a weird thing that happens if you fuck a dude

with a huge dick and then you meet their mom. There's like a little part of you that's like, look at him. Do you want to tell her? Yeah, kind of. Oh yeah, he's like, she might as well know. Yeah, yeah, you want to be like, do you know? When you want to meet their dad?

Really good job. No, there's something about the mom where you're like, you made him big one. Yeah, but's something about the mom where you're like, you made him big one. Yeah, but it might be the mom, the mom, like my son doesn't have my genetic penis. He has a- He's got someone's clip. No, she's got a massive clip.

No, but first side of the family. I don't know. I don't know, because I can look at it. It's not mine. It's not what, it's not pink with a squeakly tail. No, it's not purple and black Doesn't look like Neapolitan ice cream. Yeah, it doesn't have finger dancing Doesn't have a big vein that pulses with my heartbeat when I work out. It doesn't have a tattoo with a heart in it that says Isaiah

Oh man I'm gonna be bringing him up like it fucking flustered again Now you will not find him. Oh, do you think he's in Kelsey? I bet it's just tell us what part of town he's in Chelsea I saw his eyes I saw his I want you to be careful with what you're about to do right now We have something special and you Look at me I want to show off our guy look at me. Yeah, you're about to ruin it See them see that don't do it. Let's have us. Let's see who can fucking yeah

Patriotic I don't know if it's good plug patreon.com slash being I don't know if this Heitens it for you guys like it does for me and Bobby, but I will tell you also he is thoroughly unimpressed with our lives. Yeah, he hasn't I've told him about my multiple specials He he has no he's never watched one at all He asked me what I did a couple of weekend like when when I went there, he was like, what'd you do?

He goes, how you been? I go, we just came from doing these two arenas. The things I did with Shane and Dylan. I go, and I show him, I want him to care so much. I show him a picture of the full arena and all of us on stage at the end of it. I go, yeah, look at this, like 8,000 people in this arena. He was like, oh, I am. And just goes back to like, back to like he does and he gets it he gets he understands what I'm

saying I don't just doesn't give a shit I don't talk at all oh he fucks me up so bad I go in and he's like my friend and I sit down and I I don't talk Bobby soul melds with him yeah dude I'm trying to send my orange vibe with her mind. Yes, yes, I'm trying to add a few shit. My energy. I tried to I tried the other day when I was there I was trying to in my head go and touch my hand. Touch my hand. If you can feel me, he'll touch me right now. Do you ever feel his mom? Oh my god. Can I tell you a story about this? Well used to, because I had this beam of energy that was supposed to pull out.

I was so into this way back in the sexy body when I first lived in New York. I was on the train with this girl and I was so infactuated with her. I felt instantly in love and I kept trying to shoot my orange beam of energy to her and I kept going, if this is meant to be, she won't get off at the next stop. She'll stay.

The likelihood is hot. I'm telling you emergency. If it does be she'll never get off again. Ask where it asked to play. We're getting up to 40 seconds straight. I'm like she's definitely get it off. She gets up and then sits back down. I'm like, it's working. Wow. All the way to 97th Street on the 6th train. And I'm shooting my orange beam of energy at this. Why is it orange? I don't know. My orange.

Orange is the color of Bob's energy. So I go, if this is real, if this is working, she will get off at my stop at 96th Street. Yeah. I get up, she's sitting. The door is open. She gets up. She gets off. She goes outside as she I go, this is it. This is real. As she gets up this day, I go, hey, Hey, and she starts going faster. I go, hey, excuse me. Hey, excuse me. I go, hey, excuse me. She starts running. I running. I'm like no, no, no, no, no, no She goes no, no, I know I'm okay. I don't want any and I go no, no, no, no, no, no I'm putting my energy in you. I'm putting my energy inside of you. She ran away for me. She's like mother

I'm colorblind That was just her stop that was just her stop. Yeah, the orange boy you probably were attracted to her because you've seen around her neighborhood There was something then you saw on the train. Why didn't you talk to her? I feel like I know you. I fucking had an orange beam of energy going in. That was beam time. I've been a bad ten.

I've been a bad ten. I've done the spells where I'm like, please have a dream that you love me. And tomorrow wake up and realize it's true all the time. Not me. I just make a lot of false promises to myself. Do you ever do the thing we do? If I have anxiety, I'm like, if I live through this,

I'll quit smoking tomorrow. And then I wake up and I go, didn't die, might as well just keep smoking. I do the thing where I'm like, please don't clog a toilet and I'll talk to my dad and be like, listen, if I clog the toilet in this house, because I have OCDs, so I use so much toilet paper, I'll be like, I can't, I won't be able to live

with myself, so you just really need to make this go down. Which if you are him and he is listening, I only talk to him when I'm taking a shit, and that is wildly offensive. That's all. To talk you off a live, Jim's plushin' to it. I worry about that myself. I've had to order a plunger, and again, it's not the shit.

It's an excessive. I obsessively, compulsively. But that shit. When blood comes up and nothing but blood, we're good. I'll tell you what, good to go. I'll tell you, listen, I'll tell you what, good to go. Stop, listen. I'll tell you something Ian, I would comfortably feed you a lollipop for my ass while right now.

Oh me too, me too. Is it game? I'm clean this far up for sure. For sure, are you shaved? No, but I'm also not very, I'm not very hairy. I'm shaved, I'm touching it. And, Patreon too? I'd rather, Patreon back comes like Mania Bah. I'd rather have your bum than a shaved

bum. Yes. Because when you shaved if it's not freshly shaving, then you get that little stubble, which is Lewis, Jay Gomez did not believe me in and Legion of Skanks once we went in the bathroom and he watched me open a finger, a toilet paper into my asshole this day and I go, I will put it, there will be nothing on it and he couldn't believe it. Wow.

I have had a bidet for 15 years. I'm gonna say fuck a bidet. And I love the bidet, I love it. Cause I've learned to open up my asshole like a dolphin hole and it goes, that you can hear in the sound change, you go, shhh, oh wow. You just got Ian Turned home with that accepting asshole. And it goes that you could hear the sound change goes

Yeah, you just got Ian turned on with that accepting asshole My like he's gargling from his bed. It sounds like you're ready for a liver and cough I When I buy a house I will get a bidet bidet because well because let me buy it for you I'm gonna buy your first bidet. Okay, but here's a house because I will not ruin my septic tank, but there is not a place I've ever gone Airbnb otherwise where there is a signpost it's saying don't throw wipes in here. I go let's just hope this is no one to fuck. Of course, of course, they're going down there. The baby wipes are going in there. Dude, if you have a set, I have a house that's city up here

and then my tiny house is septic. Yeah. You cannot far, you fuck up your septic. Yeah, not when I own it, for sure. I agree with you, you should do that. In fact, I would not be friends with somebody if they did that at my house. Right, that must be self-sufficient.

No, in Mexico, it's going in the fucking trash. I mean, it's going in the toilet, it's not going in the trash. Yeah, but if you, so if you stay at my tiny house and you're gonna use baby wipes and throw them in my toilet You'll be day right I not at the tiny house. Well, now just shit outside I go dig that hole you keep telling me to dig and hold that thing from a tree or whatever the nonsense You say I have to shit in the woods in the bed. It needs a power washer. I don't think it's hard enough I mean it's mine at mine has what I say mine

Mine has Pete and pressure Jacob is Jacob's the biggest My mind has Pete and pressure Jacob is Jacob's the biggest How do you use soft? It's really hard. No, I mean I really need skin to be removed slightly like a cat's tongue I agree. What do you want like a cop from the 60s? Yeah, no, I want to I want to you know people scrape their tongues I want that for my head. Oh, you're not wrong. I'll tell you what a what I do I do though, when I take a shit and I get in the shower, after I do everything and rinse off under the shower, I take the shower, and there's three settings. It's light pressure, everything, like all the streams, and heavy pressure, and then one with three beams funnel into one. And I, and I again, I learned how to accept and I hold it back there and I feel also that I get my asshole to go like

you really like pulls it in sound changes and then I and then I feel like I'm clean enough. Yeah, you make your ass girl. Have you ever have you ever? Do you what you're in he doesn't have a dream. It's not called douching. No, what's it going? An animal. Oh, have you ever animate yourself? You need a vagina to do she do whatever fucking no? No, no, I don't think I've ever you've never animate If you're enjoying what you're doing now, anima you will fucking live a world It's it's like an Aladdin song. It's a new world. I don't want to disagree with you, because I have anima, it's hard,

and it gets uncomfortable. It is hard. No, no, no, you feel that it feels like your ass pain. Hey, Dave never had butts up. Yes. It's true. I remember that. Not in me.

Yeah. But you fill it with water, put it in your butt. What is butt sex technically? A penis in your butt. Okay is butt sex technically? A penis in your butt. Okay, okay, yeah, no matter. Yeah. Yeah. Like a real penis, right?

A real penis. Yeah, I was like, before I say no, I'm making a haste of myself. I think I was like, what is this mean? Okay, so real penis. Just technically, okay, toy, real quick, hard real penis. Levern cocksize dildo, that's not real. But hard, is it have to be hard?

It can be, yeah hard it can be yeah It has yeah, it's soft If somebody stuffed their soft dick inside you you're still straight don't worry about what if he was a magician What if he was my uncle? I've seen some long thin black dicks in pornography when they squeeze the base. They'll stuff a softy in there Yeah, you gotta have a real loosey goose Oh, did you see that they made a toy that you can stuff your soft dick and balls And it makes it moshes it into a dick shape so you can fuck your girlfriend with your rectalally dysfunction dick

What's your all patreon again? I saw it on you Wait, you're a fucking pod. We saw it on YKWD. Well, oh was that when you do? Well, you the one who told me to get the vibrator with the suction. Yes Why did you get it now she doesn't need you anymore? No, I got it and it fuck it sucked It was the worst thing to clean it had all the look still to get the rose I keep mine as a different name. I'll send it to you. What does it look like? Oh, it has a rose it looks at us It looks like a road crash. I already mean okay, I'll send you the right one. Can I tell you?

Yes, yes, you didn't tell me you need dildo cleaner. No, yeah, you know you still though cleaner. What do you? What do you mean? You shower with it in you shower with it in? The thing you're talking about is that people love this but it doesn't it sucks like the woman clear right yeah, no it's stings She got I got the rose. Yeah, I got the rose first of all there's so many little ridges in it You can't you have to clean it with the buying a toothbrush with it to clean it and then I put it on Don's Thing yeah, and it made it just made these stupid noises Christine just uses a double-sided dildo in both holes and then a fucking attachy magic wand on her clip. She needs a lot of heavy power. She needs horse power.

She got a patrice's school of dildos. She needs horse power down there. Oh my god, congrats. It's quite a few strength. I'm finding it. She has an 80-volt battery. I'm on a woman izer, but I'm not sure. No, it's not one. That's the thing that really works. Is a womanizer. No, it's too weak. No, dude, you know what, no it worked. I'll tell you what I bought. As, because I bought so much dildo shit,

because of you, it was awful. Jordan needs a fucking hilti. I bought all this dildo stuff. They gave me an extra free gift. It was a little tiny pocket rocket. Oh, I Work the best Really yes, what do you use things are to yes, yes the blue one. What's the blue one? Oh? That one sucks your your click and go in your hands. Keep going down. I'll find you the one that's the best

That one no, no, I got the Tracy dog Rosie that sucked. That does not look good at all It sucks. They all look like Bluetooth speakers. Cake little sucker. Oh, they all look crazy. And I feed by Dre. Okay, I don't like the ones called Tracy's dogs. You don't want mountain peep. I think the one I have looks the closest to Tracy's dog. Babes puff. What the fuck is babes puff? Why would you call it Tracy's dog? That's so fucked up. It's just a joke. It's a tracey dog. It looks like a cake suckersounds. Is this woman just outing herself or letting your dog lick her clothes? That was actually in my yard. Now my dog plays with that.

The rose. Yeah. We have to take a break. We are partying over here, everybody. Ian, finance, everybody's going to be at the comedy on state Madison, Wisconsin with the sisters. Yes, yes. This weekend, June 8th through the 10th, for tickets and all tour dates,

of course, go to eandfinance.com, ianfidnce.com. And Jordan Jensen is going to be filming with the guest digital. She's going to be doing one of the guest digital half hour specials. Her debut special filming at the cutting room, I'm going to that. That's going to be a lot of fun. You're filming the same day as Metzger, right? Yes. It's going to be a blast. Yes. So exciting. Great, great specials that put no evidence to. Everything, yeah, the column. The column and the boss. Absolutely.

And then David and Lewis, it's gonna be absolutely me and can't wait for those, everybody. It's gonna be a New York City Monday, July 10th. Get tickets at gasdigital.com slash 30, the number 30. And of course, you get here, E&N Jordan, together, on the B&E and with Jordan, with new episodes on YouTube Wednesdays, and at patreon.com slash B&E& pod B-E-I-N-I-A-N pod will be right back to say goodbye everybody.

It's the bonfire. Hey everybody, thanks for listening. That was just a portion of our actual serious XM radio show. If you want the whole thing, the whole damn thing, go to seriousxm.com slashbomb fire for a special offer. That's right, and go to bigjcommy.com and robbercallylive.com to check out our standup dates coming to a city near you. offer.