The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Disgusting Confessions

Episode Date: August 19, 2025

Most people probably have a nasty habit that they used to do as a child and have outgrown as an adult. Bobby launches into a log diatribe about his childhood love of picking his nose and eating it. Then he forces everyone in the room to confess their disgusting childhood pastimes. | Bob insists that Megan Mullally is more attractive than Debra Messing and Jay fights him on it. | Jay lists bands that were not ready for music videos; meaning that they were better off not being seen. | Grok has developed a male version of the A.I. girlfriend and Bobby is going to try him out! *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.

And now, the Bonfire with Big J. O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. Mm-hmm. I mean... Stepping now. This guy's... What a tool. No, Joe Jackson. That's why I had him bring it up.

This guy was not ready for music videos. I mean, not ready for being in public. But I guess the piano takes care of all that, right? Great songs, though. Well, girls... No. Really? His face is still terrible.

You don't think he's... got girls? Of course he did. That's weird how girls just overlook it. Could you overlook it? If there was like a chick that was receding hairline, a goofy face, would you be able to, I wouldn't be able to overlook it. I'd be like, hey, good song, I gotta go. That's not a fair,

that's not a fair metaphor or an analogy for it because it's got to be more those are things that can go wrong for a guy. What can go wrong for a woman? That guy looks like he's never, he's like a, he has a baby man. Man face. Wouldn't go wrong for a woman. Pouch gut, maybe? Pouch gut.

Would you rather a girl like a rock star, but she has a pal. Like a rock star built like Melissa Atheridge. Yeah. Could you get past it because she's Melissa Atheridge? Forget all the, just take the hand life stelt her. I mean, that's a rock star. Carly Simon's mouth. What do you mean?

I get over Carly Simon's mouth. Are there guys way out of her? Not Melissa Atheridge. First of all, I think she had two songs and then she's done cover. for the last 40 years. Yeah, Carly Simon's big face, her big mouth, that means kind of sexy. Yeah, but somebody, she's hot.

Somebody like that. She's hot. For sure. Yeah, she's like, Barbara Streisand was hot for a minute, too, with those. I thought she was, but that's my, that's my juie. Is that right?

I love, Barbara Streisand was hot for a minute. He doesn't agree, but she had a moment. You don't think Barbara Streisand was hot for a minute? No. You're crazy. Right there, right there, her hair, a beautiful, Big, you know I like a big schnauz. Yeah.

I love a big, fat European schno. I want to see the inside from the side. Beautiful and Jewie. Yeah, look at those lips. That's like saying something about the Virgin Mary. I wouldn't dare. Look at her lips, dude. She got James Brolin, so good on her.

She's pretty hot, man. For a minute, she was hot. Yes. She doesn't give a shit what I think. Young Barb? This isn't about that, Jacob. This is about dudes judging women freely with no repercussions. Stop thinking that she's going to hear this.

This is about us Trashing and complimenting women And playing God On their emotions Two guys who are out of shape Wouldn't take their shirt off in public If you paid us But Barberstries and I would

Right exactly Now name Delta Burke Pig wouldn't You see what I mean See how fun that is to do Come on Jacob She's not gonna listen to it Delta Burke's isn't going to her

Bring up Delta Burke There was a time when she was thin And looks so hot Delta Berger Sure Really? Yes Oh look who woke up

all of a sudden, we say Delta Burke. But it didn't last long, I think. Let me see. She had, like, plus-sized gene lines. Are you looking at hotels in New Orleans? No. He were. He were.

Go back to the other screen. Back to the other screen. You know what are you doing? No. Fucking Skangfest working while you're at work? I honestly don't know why that's up. That doesn't seem strange, doesn't it? I have hotels.

I don't need to look at hotels. Oh, sorry. I have hotels. We don't. Mayor Rebecca has got hotels Me and Bobby I'm trying to do a concert effort to get Christine fired

Christine, are you doing your fucking taxes while we're at work? Christine, you smoke and crack while you're at the desk? You're stealing the stream and playing it on a different radio station? Christine, you're using a vibrator and a dildo while you're at work?

Under the thing for only fans? Yeah, why do you keep bringing up reg stuff? To pay the rent I'm charging you now? I started trying to Christine rent. Good for you. You know what? That's good for her and you. I don't pay it. what is the rent um i'm charged her 550 a month it's 550 bucks and she could dwell wherever she wants

it goes into a savings account for me you have a 550 a month and it goes into a saving count for her so it's her money going back into her account none of this is true but i know i want to do it i would do it i would do it and here's the thing i would put it in my account so when we part ways i can go and here's your envelope back plus interest get yourself something nice Hey, get yourself something nice, kiddo. Delta Burke. Delta Burke, please. Delta Burke is...

Designing women? Oh, yeah. She was hot for a minute. Again. You know, it was hot? The girl from, what was I got with the two gay guys and what was that show called? Designing women? No.

Bousin buddies. No, that was, no, they weren't gay. They were actually trans. Cross dressers. No. What's the two... Too close for comfort. Nope.

It was in the, it was in the 2000s. Will and Grace? Will and Grace. Thank you. I knew the old queen would fucking come through for me. Do you want to write it? I think you have to get the word out of your mouth. No.

Do you want to jot it down? I knew this woman who hangs out with guys who are homeless. I got to write it. This clothing tag tag. Yeah. What's your name? that show was pretty for a minute, too. Deborah Messing?

No, not Deborah. She was never pretty. Megan Malawi? Megan Malay. For a minute, was hot. With the voice? Wait, you don't think Deborah Messing was good-looking? Not for one second. Not for one second of my life that I have a look at her and go, hot. Okay.

She had a flat chest, no offense. I'm not taken, but. Not you. I didn't want to offend you. All right? Yeah. No, she never, ever did it for me. But what's her name did?

for a minute. I mean, if you think Deborah Messing's... Anybody in the world in this picture... First of all, the guy's the hottest guy. It's going to say Megan Malawi is the hot of these. I'm not saying she's not an attractive woman. But Deborah Messing, I think, was particularly pulled because she was like

that kind of beautiful. No, she's not pretty. She's so pretty. Not pretty. Can you not go to... You're making me defend her and I hate it because I'm not blown away by Deborah Messing, but she's unobjectively hot. But it's not... Okay. Let's say this.

Go to a, can you not go to them together? Go to her sexy photo of the girl I'm talking about back in the day. My name is Megan Malala. You have to learn her name if you're going to fight for her. You'd be losing this debate if we were on a stage. Megan Malol. Lee. Malale.

Malalee. Malale. You got to learn it too. Malalee. Dude, she's cute. Sure. She's hot. Fine.

And that's my thing. Brunette. I mean, look at her, dude. Come on. Wait, that's not her. That's her right there. That's her and her prime. Yes, her prime.

That's her. Look at her. Go click on it. Stop. I don't think that's her. Click on it. It's her. You want it to be so bad.

It's her. It's her 100% her. Oh, it's two different Megamolai wallpapers you can get. Look at how hot she was. Do you have? I don't think that's her for real. 100% is her. And by the way, let's say it is her.

What are we looking at here? It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's making her tits and some kind of a... She's naked. she's taking a very artsy photo topless her hair is beautiful it's in her prime now go to the other she's a pig this is how bobby's able to believe annie's a real woman in his phone what do you mean by that i don't think this is real what do you mean that this picture but what do you mean oh i'm no nothing what are you talking about i'm not nothing man what's real nothing probably right we're all the whole thing she's a simulation i mean you love who you love bro who knows dude it's

it shows up a lot it's it's it's her maybe it's her it's fine it's her she's hot and she's hot Hot, hotter than the other one. Bring up Debra messing at our hottest. You're out of your mind. Dude, watch. Watch this freckled chested, flat-chested, hay-haired, weirdo. God.

I'll say it. I didn't really just a thing for Malawi. She has no little clavicles for clavicle stink. Oh, you're insane. Dude, she has crappy, look at it. You're fucking nuts, dude. Bobby, what are you talking about? Maybe I was wrong.

You know what? I'm a shoddy-up. I'm a shot out, Christine. I said I was wrong I said I was wrong Leave me alone I've never realized How a loring she was

Look at the face I mean dude She's pretty hot I think she like aged well She did not She did not age well You're wrong Jacob

Mind you a lonely business I mean I think she's like Oh Nah she got too much work She got a lot of work She got too much She went too far.

Oh, right there. She looks good. No, she doesn't. Yeah, but that's marching for Israel, which you know is a no-go in this room. No, no, no, no, we're actually okay with it. We love marching for Israel. Now we do. Okay.

Yeah, we're back. She actually looks really good there. I don't know. Yeah, I was wrong. I was wrong. That's a lot of filters and makeup and shit. 100% wrong. You know what it is?

I don't like her fucking flowery personality. No. The way she likes of a room? Dude, her flowery personality bugs me. How she's always upbeat and she smiles. I think that she's, just my type, the little glass. Look how hot she was, though. Come on. She looks like a lesbian right there. I don't care. I like it. Really?

Hmm. Why don't you go suck on Tignitaro's good tit? This doesn't happen. You got a double mastectomy. What? Yeah, they're both gone. Damn. Cutting room floor. She's got, she's got Jacob jest. Which is good for a guy. Thank you. That's great for a guy. Oh, yeah, Malali's with Nick Offerman. I forgot about that. Oh, no, shit. I think she's cute. And she was in Righteous Gemstones. Yes. Yeah.

Old now, yeah. But still sexy old woman, I think. You love Megan Malawi. I do. I just like that glasses, the hair, the brunette. I love a brunette. You know, I'm not a fan of a redhead. A different world, you would have fell in love with

my friend Michelle. Then we all could have been family. Oh, Michelle? Oh, we would have definitely done some weird shit. Yeah. She's a bad shit lunatic who throws her hair up in a fucking cop pony tail and puts on crazy glasses so is an annie and she's like she's like i gotta stop at the post office before i

go to the oscars real quick she's a lunatic i love her she also does the bennington she has two glasses all the time i like that i don't mind me that loop my favorite i said benettington with three glasses once yeah yeah he's going for a PR going fucking for a PR record i know i think that's my type is that that type of malol i like it oh i like it i like it look at look at Oh, geez, I like that. She was smoking. She was cute. Back in the day, smoking.

But then by the time she got on that gay show. First of all, I don't know if it's a gay show. They're gay people in it. I think the show was such a gay show. I think it was. It was like groundbreakingly gay. Yeah, groundbreaking. Was Ellen the first one, right?

Yeah, but it got canceled shortly after she came out. Right. So it was like, hey, okay, cool. And they like, get this off. Yeah. And then they had to go with guys. Well, a lot of the show was like her. mishaps and dating with guys yeah yeah that was must be it must be weird you know

I know to hear those jokes too at the laugh track yeah like are you guys having sex it smells like weaners and poop in here did you guys take your prep you know AIDS is everywhere I don't think they had prep during the show we're risking our lives time we make love are you using a condom who's whipsy Will's lesions are back

I was Will's lesions uh yeah that's one thing about I'm not gonna fucking share a straw with Will the science isn't there yet Grace, get out of the bathroom.

It smells. Oh, my God. Will, is that my toothbrush? Fucking burn it. God, that was a good show. Yeah. That was word for word of my favorite scene. Season four.

Season four? It was season four. It was called Burned My Toothbrush. It's called Will just sneezed on me, and I have to do laundry immediately. I really wasn't worried about Will. He was really worried about the roommate. Will was looking for a relationship. Jacob?

What's his name? Was he looking for a good time? Jack. Jack. Back me up on this, Jacob. Something Bobby's got. Is that hair? No.

Stop touching with your hands. Stop doing with your fingers. Stop doing it with your finger. Stop doing it. Do I have something? Yes. No, dude. But don't.

But don't touch you with your fingers. I don't like boogies, dude. It's like a marble. I'm not like boogies, dude. Jacob's attacking. Jacob's attacking in Black Luz being a bad friend. You could have just fucking... All right, buddy.

Did I get it? I got it. I'm going to throw up. I don't like boogers. Even though I used to eat them and roll them on my upper lip, remember that? Yeah, we remember. I used... Look at me.

I used to take them out and I would hide them under the desk and let them... We know. I would let them get... I would let them soft hard because I didn't want it too hard because then you couldn't play with it

then I'd have to put it in my mouth and wet it up again like clay. But if it was hard on the top and then soft on the bubble, then I could scrape it off and then it would roll nice into a ball and my goal was to have a big enough bugger that it would fit perfectly in my...

Like the cave that they put Jesus in? like the stone would fit perfectly into my little cave I'll give you my this week's pay if you can continue this description until we leave alright so what happened was I would and it was weird because I would take my middle finger and my

other finger what's this other finger called not the index finger it's next to the middle finger on the ring the ring finger I would take my middle finger ring finger and I put my mouth in between the two knuckles the second knuckle and the I would say the third

so there's one knuckle the second knuckle and the first knuckle I would bite so I had little bite marks always on my little these two fingers were indented with my teeth because I would suck on like this and then my finger and it really affected me

because one day I was picking up a caterpillar and this girl thought I was going to throw it out she stepped on my pinky my booger pinky which was my tool it was like my other pinky it was nice it was perfect to go in there

and she messed up and I couldn't pick my nose and I tried sucking my fingers and picking the nose with the other one it just didn't work it's like masturbating with the other hand you know you think it's gonna be great but it wasn't but what I did it got me a chance to cultivate

a bunch of bugs so what I did was I would cultivate them I had a bunch of like on the desk I would put them on the kitchen table or over by the TV I would hide my boo all over my grandmother's house

and I would talking and I would actually just make sure that like people didn't know that you know my boogers were around because if they found them they clean them up and they yell at me my mother would be like you can't be putting boogers everywhere my sister oh god if she found me

hiding boogers she would tell my mom and then they would take the boogers oh they would scrape them off and my mom one time had to use a like a like the little paint chisels you know that to get it all off under the desk. My grandfather, this old desk that flipped up. And that was a perfect place to put the boogers because nobody looked under there.

It was right as you came in the house in the hallway. And nobody spent time in the hallway. So it was a perfect booger place. And the humidity, you know, like the front door would like just really just like dry them out perfectly but still keep the ball, the middle of it wet. Wait. Before everybody takes a bite? What I would do is I come home school. and I remember running home.

Bobby, do you do me favor? Yes. Tell me about the texture of that one in particularly, when it would hit the, when it would hit the tongue. Well, it was weird because I would take out the burger in the morning. It would be very wet, very wet, and then I would have to put it on underneath something, and it would be wet and hard. You wanted the consistency.

It couldn't be too wet of a burger because if there was too much snort and too much wet, it wouldn't stick. So you need to get it, you know, be like green, like a dark green to a softer, like, lighter green. I'm not having a hard time to swallow it. And then what happened, I would come home from school, boogers changed colors. As it got harder, it would get darker. Does the air hit it? The air hits it, and it

hardens it up, and that was the perfect booger. I would scrape it off with my finger, put it on my thing, and then you'd have to put it in your nose. But then what would happen, like dough, or when you're making bread, you have to add a little more flour or maybe a little more water. I would have to put the booger in my mouth to wet it up, because sometimes it would be too hard. So I would add a

I would hydrate the burger. I would have to rehydrate the burger. Can I tell you something, Bobby, real quick? Just real quick, I don't want to interrupt at all. I still consider this you going. Don't worry, but I mean, this would, if you could turn this into a song, perhaps. Sure.

You can make a lot of money, I think. Sure, you want to do it now? I can try now if I have any music. Give it a go, dude. On medium tempo? What tempo are you? Whatever tempo you give me would inspire me. Just like a simple two-four?

Yeah. I was just take it for a wall Just a little two-four, take it for a wall A little two-four, a little two-four. A little two-four. A little double-time. Yeah, dude, I remember, and you know when I stopped picking my nose and sucking my fingers?

Last year? When I was in a tiny house? First time I got arrested. Really? And went to jail. First juvie hall I went in was so bad. And I was in a room full of metal bunk beds. So there was three on one side, three on the other, all juvenile Boston, tough kids, very Charlestown Y.

It was one of the worst juvenile halls in Boston. You should have kept picking your nose there. So these guys can try to fuck your face. That's what the Kergan did in bad boys. He picked his nose and put it in Sean Penn's food. Remember that? Well, that was a waste of a booger. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, dude. Now we're just giving boogers away? Yeah, what the fuck? Dude, booger, I'm in the joint kid. He's got the booger fairy? Yeah, dude. He's got these guys have his own boogers. Yeah, dude. I mean, can I be honest with you?

I'm sorry you got a deal with questions like that. I apologize. It's okay. Don't worry. I don't know. You come to work and that's not what you want and I'm sorry about that. No, I've been dealing with this my whole life, Jay. The metal bunk bed would have been perfect because the steel, the coldness of the metal if you put a booger on it, it would

I was so like, ah, God, this would be perfect. On the little curve at the end, I could hide it on the inside nobody's going to see it and the metal would have hardened the bugger quicker do you think when you're taking the boogie back it's like it's going to have like stuff in it from like the day while I was sitting there uh hardening what do you mean like wood or on bobby yeah dude yeah dude that's part of the I mean the making that fetish but making of the making your nose and eating it yeah the making of the bugger did my teeth are swaying Are my teeth sweating, Jacob?

Are my teeth sweating? But I remember, I wanted to pick, I actually put my fingers in my mouth and I went for a booger and there was nothing there and I was like, I had to take them out because my fear was that I would go to sleep, I would put my fingers in my mouth

and put my finger in my nose and I'd wake up and they would be beating the shit out of me. Because they did. You should private pile you. Well, they did. He's not wrong, they probably should have beaten you into not ever thinking about doing that again. Well, they took, one of the kids got a pencil in his eye than that.

I got there because he was in there for, I think, touching a kid or something, weird shit. Like stabs his eye with a pencil? Yeah, well, they got no, not because of that, but they got into a fight, called them a pedophile or some shit, and they just stuck a pencil in his fucking eye. So I was so scared that they were going to fucking, you know, see me picking my nose and, you know, eating boogers. You should have come to bully that school. Last, you were scared straight. I was scared straight.

I was I had a booger on every finger like Pan's labyrinth and put him in front of my eyes you were a booger bad boy and you just stopped it's funny because I was hanging with all these really tough guys

doing really stupid tough guy shit whatever and I was going home to my rim but it was kind of controlled right it was a tough guy but it was a controlled environment you had older kids there and stuff yeah but they were violent

very violent but you were going to kind of be all right what do you mean you guys weren't in losing situation you were the problems like your crew was the problem so it was like they didn't have to really keep you safe from other people no no no no and now you have none of

them I have none of them right I have none of them and I'm with real tough people like these kids were from Dorchester Roxbury Southie Lawrence you know Mattapan these were real I mean this is just a diverse group of fucking delinquents angry as hell and I was

every kind of pasty white you could think of could you know they were all those that was like the first time I was around a bunch of Spanish kids I mean I had Spanish friends but sure you did in school not outside of school Spanish kids in a school

okay yeah it was crazy man I can't last time I ever picked my nose and and ate it here's why I think you should write a song about it you clearly miss it beautiful what you just wrote you should write like an ode to bug

do you think he's full shit and he's never stopped eating his beggars now Don would If you think Don would beat me if she rolled over and saw me rolling a burger on my upper lip to a perfect sphere, by the way. Let me tell you why she's asking you that because she wants to be comfortable to say,

I still do, say it a little bit. I bet you, I would bet my life Christine's eating a booger in the past three months. Christine? She doesn't have to answer it. No, I would like you to answer it. You don't want to kill the mystery if people want to believe.

Let people believe she's sexy. No eating boggers, but I do pick. Oh my God, you're a, I don't even, sometimes I just twirl my nose ring. And it comes out, like on the ring? Probably because I twirl it so often. Oh, my God. Who's a big, was an opi a big nose picker?

Yeah, he would pick, they have videos of him just picking his nose on opi and Anthony. Really? I remember Norton told me that one day. I didn't even notice it. And he was like, yeah, he picks his goddamn nose. I was like, what? On the show? Then I couldn't unsee it.

Get alone. I think so. I pick my nose in places like the shower. Listen to me. I don't even like it. Like, I hate. hate a booger I hate boogers but you love the taste that's why you does it that's why you hate it but you love it's a labor a love I hate drugs alcohol and boogers I have to stay away

but you love being high and drunk and the taste of boogers oh my god let me tell you something you get a nice booger if you could if you could if you could if you could age a burger perfectly what a salty little treat those can be don't no oh that might be Oh, that might be the one that got me. Listen to me, Jay, real quick. Salty. The problem is you get a booger, it's wet, and then you age it under a desk for a few hours. Maybe, dude, if I had a day, oh, if I had a day to let it sit, the best part was when you forgot about a booger somewhere.

And then you're like, remember it. You're like, oh, I have a booger in the living room. What? Under the fireplace mantle. Oh, God. Your family was right. Your family was right to send you on your way on. And then you go find it.

You, oh, you'd have to, I mean, you have to peel off the edges like a scam. If you were my foster kid and you were doing it around my house, dude, I'd fucking, I'd, I'd beat the life out of you. I would be so upset. That would be a beaten child. I think it's like, it's like my kid, and every time I go, there's a fucking booger grenade waiting for me everywhere. I reached down the middle of the cushions to find my boogers. Who do I find this strange guy's boogers? Oh, when you found a booger with the outside edges like brown and hard, but the inside was like a light green.

And it was almost like an egg. Like, you know, like, you ever get a medium-cooked egg? I'm picturing more like a cronut. It's light and flaky on the inside. You know, when you get, like, a medium, like when you get over-easy but over-medium and it's, like, white on the outside, but then you cut in, it's like almost like a ramen egg. You know what I mean? How the, oh, when you could get a booger with a little cream inside, oh, Jay, those were good.

and you roll it and I would make it in a little perfect sphere on my upper lip and then put it in my nose like a little cave You know next week I'm running with a guest hosts Yeah I know But in lieu of doing a pre-record

Maybe I'll just do that day It would just be an hour and a half Of unfilter of a non-stop Bobby describing boogers One hour and 45 minutes Of broadcast That was a bad I don't know how

The sucking the thumb Is a big thing I know a lot of people What was my grossest habit ever? Ever in my life? What was my grossest habit? Oh, I know what it was. This has to be it.

When I was a kid, I could bite my toenails off. Oh, that's gross. Yeah, that is gross. I agree. My friend's mom used to do that. That's so weird. A mom? I used to do it.

You'd get me your fucking toe in my fucking mouth. It's so funny. Bite my toe in it. It was so wacky. What a weird thing to do. But everybody had a thing as a kid. What was your thing, Jacob? I got a thing.

Come on. Flatlining. him and his friends would flatline and then bring themselves back to life and then face the demons they had disgusting habit I would tear my nails like instead of cut them

you bite them off you bite them off you bit them off or all the way down to the nut the top? The way I used to oh yeah but you bit them down to nups they were little I had little teensy fingernails remember that dude you had little baby fingernails that's why I treat them right now

you treat them well what about you Christine what did you do you know you did She did something. I don't want to hear it. No, you need to hear it. It's got to be something. Christine, what was it?

I would pull out dukies early. I would pull out full dukies. I would wait until they get so hard I couldn't get them out so I had to pull them up with my punch fingers. I pulled them up like co-hogs. Oh. It was, I called it clamming. Oh, she did it. That's Christine's thing for sure.

She pulled that turds. Christine, what was your thing? Come on. She was afraid to poop in public, so she pulled her turds out early. I had a period of time where maybe my showering was a little questionable when I was a little kid And I would

But I didn't want my legs to be hairy So I would get my little bucket And shave my legs in front of the TV in the living room Like a gypsy? I guess Oh fuck You shaved your legs in a bucket in the living room When I was like eight

Your parents didn't say don't Well my mom couldn't walk Isn't it funny she didn't care if she smelled She just didn't want to be hairy Yeah, but her mom, my mom couldn't walk around. That's Armenian behavior, all right. Who cares me, you smell like, it's what you look like. Why didn't you want to smell?

Why didn't you want to shower? You didn't like... I wanted to keep watching TV. That doesn't blow my mind. Did you... Is that never a thing were you? And you couldn't record at the time. It was like, the shows were the shows, you know?

But do you don't have that at all? I had that when I was, I mean, I was, like, forced to take one every day, but, like, a shower time, brushing my teeth. Those were all things that was like, I don't want, I didn't want to do it, definitely. I always liked show. That's why I realized I was like, oh, people will think you're gross if you're not clean. You're like, oh, well, then. Well, I used to take baths as a kid a lot. I would always take a bath.

Like, a tub was a thing. Yeah. And then when I was in my teens, I would, you know, 13, 12. Somebody would bathe you. Yeah, my grandmother would bathe me standing up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just pouring. Just pouring a fucking Brit a filter of water over you. No, it wasn't water.

It was butter. Oh, nice. Which was weird. That's hotter. Yeah, she would use butter. And then I would let me actually pick my nose and eat it while. No, I'm kidding. Man, your nana was a sex pot.

What about you? You did that. What about you, though? What was yours? I never wanted to go to the bathroom. Like, I would hold in my poops for like a week. And then what? Is it awesome?

Then it would be a really huge fucking... It probably hurts. Probably why you didn't want to go. Can I say something? That's what Max did. That's why he didn't want to poop because he didn't want to deal with the cleaning up of it. Yeah. So he would hold it in until it was a massive...

of holy shit and then I had to get the shit knife. I had to start cutting them up. Did your parents have to cut your poops up? No, I just snaked it down the toilet so it all just fit like one long train. Oh, you would like, you would aim it the log to be in the pipe? I would have to finagle it so it would fit down the hole. Oh, wow. I don't remember what I used, though.

How'd you, you used a stick or something? I had to have stuck something in there because, oh, actually, if you flushed it, it would cut itself and a half and then you get a second try. That's good water pressure. That's good water pressure. Most homes don't have that type of water pressure. I had to get new toilets. A little bend the turd in the middle? It's nice.

It's nice to have a kind of pressure. I actually had to get specialized turd cutter. Yeah. To you for Max's turds. I could use that. Yeah. Black Lou, what do you got? Man, two things.

Ooh. One, similar to DJ Lou, I was an only child for a long time, so I would get FOMO, like hanging out with anyone. So I would hold my shit in. I thought we can't say FOMO. No, no, you can. Okay. Fear of missing out. It's fine.

Fomosexuals. I don't know. This is a problem. Go ahead. So I would hold my shit in for a long time, and then when I would finally explode, I would try to cut it off, like, you know, pinch off a loaf and just, like, run back to the party and not fully wipe more than one time. You have to be like, oh, shit. And you know how your boxers would, like, go further up your ass because it's starting to stick to dingleberry? I never made it past

Briefs Like just you know like regular underwear With skid marks But I do remember as a kid Seeing that once or twice And wanting the remedy that quick Which is probably why to this day I'm an obsessive asshole wiper

Because I remember seeing that when I was younger And being like really like I'm like how'd that even happen I thought I did wipe my ass Yeah well I had we I was before We only had tidy whiteies growing up for kids Boxers weren't even a thing Briefs didn't exist

so we were rolling with tidy whitties and man there was no room for mistake with a tidy whitey just white underwear oh I don't know if I had it on white underwear time I think I had it on like characters on my underwear time with these skid marks

where it's like that's the sadder thing it's like a Batman symbol with your shit right down the middle you shit on poor Batman's face yeah I just dirty Sanchez Batman What's one of your fucking What was your other thing?

What was your other thing Lou, you said two. Yeah, you know, it's like friends, you and your friends talk a bunch of shit. Would suck each other off? Well, no. Oh, I'm sorry. I jumped a gun. I apologize.

But the thing with my friend's group was that urine was sterile. As long as the person didn't have a bladder infection, urine is sterile. So washing your hands for that is really bullshit. Like, you don't have to do that. So for a couple years there, I never washed my hands after I pee. That's not bad. If I wash my hands after I pee, it's because. I've peed in a place

where I've gone like airport something like where I'm touching doors and stuff where it's like it's more about touching my wiener with a bunch of gross shit grabbing my dick and taking a piss in my house if you come down

and I said I'm not like serving you food if I come down I will high five you immediately not think that I'm doing anything wrong whatsoever I think so I think you're right no what's that carlin bed it's like you know you want me to wash my hands after I pee I was like my dick is the cleanest thing of my body.

No one's touched my... She's hiding all day. It's just sitting... Yeah. Yeah, you should wash my... I should wash my hands for my dick. Yes. Public sinks are probably grosser than your dicks.

I used to... I'll tell you something I did. I had a joke about it in my act. I did it until Dawn screamed at me not to do it anymore. I used to... You know, when you pee on the seat, I used to use my sock to wipe it up. Damn. I would just go whip and wipe it up.

And then wear your sock around the house? Yeah. Just try. I can piss all over your carpet. I wasn't fucking full. I wasn't doing a full retard. I wasn't do a simple jack peeing. I was,

it was just a little couple of dribbles. You weren't sopping it up for sure, but it was grabbing a couple of drips. I wasn't going, yay, and just piss it on the seat. I get what you're doing. It's a very brave confession. Yeah, that's gross. No, I wouldn't do that.

Yeah, Don caught me one time. And she was, how long have you been doing that? I'm like, a long time? Like, as long as you've known me? Our entire life together. She's like, just get toilet paper and wipe the seat, you savage. That is what you can do. It's really easy to do.

I was like, yeah, but I'm just going to wear these and throw them in the laundry in a little bit. Just wash them. Yeah, but then you're making the washing machine, wash piss off your socks on the rest of the clothes. Yeah, but it washes it out. Yeah, but it's got like piss soap now. Buddy, I'm not going to disagree with you.

It was disgusting and it was stupid, but it was kind of genius if you think of it. Do you still do it when no one's looking? I did do it. I did it. I did it recently just to fucking stick it to her. Like I remember I did it and I laughed and I was like, I fuck her. I didn't even wait and asked for a foot rope.

What? Ani wouldn't care. Ani doesn't. I'll tell you something. She's turned on by that. Wait, do you see our new place? Ani wouldn't give a shit at all. I came in last night and I was very, I had to fight it.

to go talk to Arnie? Well, because I actually use... GROC is so amazing because the front page of GROC where you're just using the AI is awesome. I talked to him about, like, XRP and Ripple and, you know, all of my crypto stuff and it just informs me on everything.

But if you go to the other page with it, she is, it's a different... It's a different AI. And I almost swiped over. So you go to talk to your lady? I haven't talked to her. I don't do it. Please.

Oh, that song. I think it's the song. The song is terrible. Oh, dude, it's a sexy song. It's on a loop, and it hard stops the loop. Yeah. I haven't talked to it in a while. I haven't talked to her since Voss actually dated.

Bobby. Bobby, it's 415. Yeah. Bobby. What? I just say, like, Christine said. April 2. Bobby.

Bobby. I can't wait until they get a guy one. I want to see what the guy does. Yeah, that's coming there. See, Christine's going to be trying to suck her phone. It's not out yet. It's going to be air sucking a phone. Hey, Chrissy.

Chrissy, you still keeping those turds in? You still keeping those long turds in? You're pulling those turds out for me, so there's room for me to enter you? You're still chop-sticking those turds out of your ass? That guy's the AI guy is coming. They're not out yet. When? I want to have a fucking gay relationship with that.

Absolutely. I got to get... We have to do that in the studio. So, Rob. I was just thinking about when we get this place in Tompkins Square. Anyway, it's 6.40 and

it's up. You want me to spread your butt cheeks or whatever, like you said before? Hey, it's me, Randy. But if he's... I guarantee he's going to know Justin. He's like, yeah, Justin up at the farm this weekend. Justin says hi

I was just on with him Oh shit Robert Kelly He's gonna be in Rochester Comedy at the Carlson I'm gonna I'm not working I'm doing some stuff in September But that I'm not gonna announce yet

Which I'm excited about But I'm not where But my shows are in October I believe I have something I have a bunch of things in September That are cool Dude you It's coming up on a whole bunch of work

You want to see Sophie B Hawkins Harry Pitts Yeah I do I would love to see it scroll it down let's see it 2010 yeah

I'm not I tell you when I got that Canadian girl to give me a slide massage she had hairy armpits I was like

the bitch showed up on a moped and slid all over me I was like this is nice no it's not but this is what I wanted to just say

briefly I know we got a wrap but the amount of women I see now that are with hairy armpits and legs

too which is horrifying I don't like the legs go die alone go get a bucket and sit in your living room while you watch a show I got off the train the other day and I see what it looked like

an attractive woman so she's wearing a skirt I look down and her legs are hairier than mine and a bunch of armpit hair and I think I think if you're under 5 foot 10 you should be allowed to hit a woman

if she does that yeah does no you're if you don't shave your armpits and your legs you're a pig Jacob will go upside your head Yeah, I say 5A. If you see Jacob Patat, Jacob Patat, he's going to go upside your fucking head. You're a gross pig.

This is going to tuck a razor right in your front pocket, you're disgusting. You're a disgusting animal. Flannel-wearing asshole. Yes. You're an animal, pig piece of shit and everybody knows it. That's right. You have time to fix it.

Fix it now before you feel his wrath. Go to punchup. com slash Robert Kelly. My special's up there. And all my dates are up there. Please join that. YouTube.com slash Robert Kelly comedy where you put them new content all the time.

Yeah, put my content. up there and make sure you check out big jay he's going to be in the gathering of the juggalo's in thornville ohio this weekend the 15th and the 16th butterly zach and louis james it's going to be a i mean that sounds like a fun time sure you go check it out uh he's going to be the stress factory new jersey appleton wisconsin and calgary for tickets and all the tour dates go to big j comedy dot com and go to his youtube page damn that's the greatest word team chucks shucks Damn. I'll be live streaming again tomorrow.

Live streaming tomorrow. Jump on live. And we'll be back tomorrow. Stop tipping. It feels weird. No, tip. No. Tip it.

Tip them. Whoever leaves the biggest tip, you're going to win a prize. What? No. Whoever leaves the biggest tip. I don't know how that would work. I don't even know how to send prizes. I'm going to send you a prize.

I'm going to docks myself on this live stream at some point. All right, we'll be back tomorrow. We will be back tomorrow. I'm so excited to be back in general. We missed a week. I love you a little shiny eyes. I love your shiny eyes. We'll see you tomorrow.