The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Dissension in the Ranks

Episode Date: June 3, 2021

Sweet Sweet Jacob derails the show and Jay ponders which NBA players he can beat up!Stream "The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder" for 3 months free on the SiruisXM app! Offer Details Apply: www.SiriusXM.com/Bonfire Follow us on all social media @TheBonfireXM@DanSoder www.DanSoder.com@BigJayOakerson www.BigJayComedy.com#CrackleCrackle

Hey, it's Big J. Ocarson and Dan Soder. Welcome to the Bonfire Podcast. We'll have new episodes every morning, Tuesday through Friday. You want more bonfire. You can hear our full show every day on SiriusXM. You can go to SiriusXM.com slash bonfire for a special three month offer. We have the whole crew here. We are reunited. Although we are down one Jacob because he's in the wrong zoom meeting. He's in the wrong. There he is. Hey idiot. Wilco, thanks for showing up, Jacob. You all went on the wrong link. Well, I was on the other link first, Jacob. Nobody was there. No, no, no, you're wrong. I was there first,

and I was told to come over here. Yeah, Jacob. I'm being honest. Christine. All right. Jacob, is this not the link that you sent earlier? Yeah, for the free to we have one link that we always use. It's the recurring link for the nevermind. We're good. The recurring link for the

is not the link that Dan should have. Dan's on. We're all on. We're all on rocket. Man, we need to get back to our to Lemus. Internal to Lemus. We're to get back to our studio. Let us internal dilemmas. I can get back in studio.

No, not black. Little black lose in a studio. He built one in himself. He's getting more fucking soundproofing every day. He's gonna be a fourth of soundproof. I think by the end of this, we're going to realize it wasn't a podcasting studio. It was a panic room. His wife's just been walling him in slowly.

Yeah, she's like we he's protected Yeah, just keep broadcasting go ahead Jacob I'm sorry. We all I was on that other link too. I looked I always look at my newest email But we were told it was always the same link and before you just go Christine DJ Lou was here and talking all that shit too. Yeah Yeah, he fucked up. Oh Jacob coming in hot. Jacob's coming in way hot. He's giving us all shirt right now. Yeah, we're just getting checked. Backed up in for a second. You can. Respectfully every.

It's a long road. First blood. They'll get what happened. Jacob did the NASCAR championship series this week that bumped off all good cartoons and nighttime programming. How cool is the host? Okay. I'm sorry I'm connecting now I'm in the home so connecting my mic. You're doing fine dude. Good dude. You get too wound up over stuff like this and I like looking at your tits. I don't I'm behind the home so I'm connecting my mic. You're doing fine, dude. Good, dude. You get two wound up over stuff like this. And I like looking at your tits.

I love it, honest. I love having a face full of Jacob Titty. I prefer it. You say you got prominent nips, but I think they're nice. They're very nice. And also, I'm excited to get back in studio when those things are going to be rock hard because it's so cold.

Oh, we're going to make a so nippy hard cold in there. Yeah, dude, you're going to be popping through that shirt. Yeah, all right, bud? Yeah, did you be popping through that shirt? Yeah, all right, Puzz. Yeah, I'm just getting set up. You were frazzled. You came in pretty frazzled. So I got home last night. DVR at the game, A la, a big J move.

Yeah. Nuggets Blazers. Put it on. And man, I really knew I couldn't look at my phone. It was that kind of game. Sure. I was like, if I look at my phone. It was that kind of game. Sure. I was like, if I look at this phone right now, it's gonna give away something.

And you don't realize how connected to your phone you are until it's like, you watch a DVR basketball game and you're like, I reached, nope, can't look for it. Cause I knew based on who was texting me, probably what would happen. Yeah, I stay away all together. I knew if I was getting texts from Blazers fans and her friends with like Kelly and a couple of my friends I knew it meant the Blazers won

But if I was getting texts from my Denver friends and met the nuggets one you got the blazer fan friends Yeah, the guy puts dollar bill on billions is from Portland. Oh always from there recording and progress Okay, yeah, we thought that was already happening. Is that going out over the air? Did that's an over the air, Lou? Does it? Yeah, yes very professionally That wasn't us that wasn't our crew though, right? Well, if the day comes where we can hire Rehire Lynn and hard Corey. We're gonna make her say that on air Cording in progress Thank you, Lynn. What was it the recording team that's the video team?

No, that's just the new way Zoom is set up now that it has to verbally warn you. But who hits record? Not me. The seer. Throw somebody under the bus, dude. This is what the show's all about. Sandbag and my little fuckers. All right, let's find out. I'm going to look at names. Oh, how about that? I'm going to show non-video participants. How about that? Oh, dude. Oh, okay. Oh, no one was a say, but it was Andrew Murray. names I'm gonna show non video participants Okay, oh Say it but it was Andrew Murray wasn't it nobody wants to say it. Oh, that's our enemy That's right. That's right. Where do you want to go? Oh, no producer?

There's the tension in the ranks up now Jacob signed back on cuz he's got to get involved as the EP Jacob as the EP I want you to. Re-dact that. Re-dact Andrew Andrew Murray. Can I name? Ah, Jacob. Right now, rip Andrew Murray a new shitter, dude, for hitting that button. He hit the record button and it goes that over the air. So you're now recording. Honestly, it really threw me off. I can't help that. Well, Jacob, we could have been recording. No, you have to blame the recording. We should have been recording before we went on air. Jacob, rip his ass open.

And Andrew's defense, he was waiting on the other lane. I'm talking to your fucking turkey neck. You please put your face in the picture, you weirdo. I feel like I do feel safe, though. The fuck is happening here today I'm nestled into Jacobs chest. Oh So we only get J. Gibb and little thin vision or all neck. Okay. Okay. I see what's happening I don't know we're being sabotaged today. We had such a good pre-record. That's right everybody. We pre-record today

Yeah, tomorrow's not gonna be live. I got a flight at Pittsburgh Yeah, the impossible's not happening. Dan doesn't have a starship that could take him from 7 p.m. Oh, I got as a couple Delta miles and a couple new jokes. I want to share Andrew Murray's getting all of you. He's doubling up. Oh, he's coming for our next. Andrew Murray's been all in the show. Oh, Jake buckle up dude. He's about to fucking come at your ass. Shake a grab onto your weird knives. He's going to have about to come. You better hope it says he's connecting the audio you better open never says is connected to audio That your toast dude your toast is true to I see an Andrew and he don't fuck oh

Oh, no, that is just two of them Andrew if you want to talk you have to unmute But if you want to uncork on Jacob, he's the guy in the little thin picture You know I think Jacob's great. Oh But if you want to uncork on Jacob, he's the guy in the little thin picture. You know, I think Jacob's great. Oh, well. All right. Well, so much of that feud. Yeah, looks like they really started. There's three.

Andrew Murray. Andrew Marries. Oh my god. He's surrounding us. He's like, he's like an agent and he's the agent from the matrix. Oh, yeah. Fuck whatever his name was. Mr. T. Jacob, you know what his name is too, son of a bitch.

You're not helping us. You're letting us drown over here. Yeah, you like watching this drown. Son of a bitch, you remember where the agent's name was? And what? I'm sorry, agent Smith. What do you? Yeah, agent Smith.

Thanks. Thank you. Fuck. More Andrew Murray's dude. There's four Andrew Murray's now. They're all cracking up. Oh god, they're all coming for Oh, yeah, they're all gonna They're all coming for us. Jacob. What did you do?

Matrix split? What did you do Jacob? They're all coming for us now. We only have one Christine a Christine And we we're not sure if she's the one we still have that improvement. She can stop time sure She knows kung fu great mr. Murray. I speak for me and Dan when I say Jacob came and talking all that shit. It was crazy saying you don't know how to fucking do the record button before the show. Yeah. So it makes us big nice to show. And DJ Luke wasn't quite happy with it either. Christine. I think in the words of Jacob, Tati said this guy needs to stop playing grab ass and learn how to record a radio. Black Lou wasn't happy with it. And I'll tell you what you got to promise that, Murray.

Come at him, motherfucker. I'm at the tiger. LT gray. You want to come in LT gray? All right. I got to turn off the non-video participants things. It's freaking me out. And here's too many of them.

Oh, now I can't do it. I know. He switched it on out. You do it here. Yes. Oh, back. Little Finn picture, Jacob. Jacob, why I can't do it. I know he switched it on out. You know here. Yes. Oh, back. Little Finn picture, Jacob. Jacob, why are you Finn picture today? I can do this if you like. Ooh. But why are my choices just simply your neck and tits or it's. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. I feel like I'm laying his lap. Yeah, it really does.

Daddy. Can you put it with my hair? Yeah, it's very looming. Well, looming is a bad word for it. That's what it is. Look, he's like looking down at us, even though he's looking at us. Think about him like an Albany present. He's gone. Jacob is gone.

No, I feel like he's exercising exercising me like I'm tied to a bed And he's yelling Latin at me. Oh, oh, okay. I can pick that up too. You watched That's the new song movie last night. I didn't buy it now. Yeah, so you watched the song movie. I did watch the Yeah, you worked out. Yeah So Dan you went a pan this thing. Yeah. You worked out? Yeah. So Dan, you went to a pan shopping recently, yeah? No, it's played a tough day last night, right Dan? And Beads, not playing, then I do. But they say it's a small menistress Terry's going to be back.

The six years were right. Oh, you should go get yourself a fat fun center. Peninin, penin, penin, penin, penin, penin, penin, penin. But your center is not fat. That's not a issue. He's a big guy. He's just a lumbering of, peninin, peninin. Your center is not fat. That's not an issue. He's a big guy. He's just a lumbering of a man. It's my favorite.

It's my favorite. That's our sword of face. I love it. I love a guy that looks like he makes great mashed potatoes. Oh, I bet you, but he punches them. Yeah, he's just where they're smashed with butter. Yeah, he just uses the machine, though. That's just straight hand

That's gripping rip. It's a good Potato does he talk like that He's got a little bit of a Eastern European accent a little bit, but he's pretty Americanized No, he's more European that last play was lit. Yeah, hey this thrill It's so true. It's so true. It's on true. High-fee movement. I'm late. Bay Area. Ooh. E4D. Ooh. Did you? Uh, are you talking it? Is it became fun to watch it with Josh since the series has gone three zero?

Well, I haven't. Because I would be out. I watch the first game our series. If we're if our teams were playing and you got two zero, we would stop watching it together. Well, I haven't. Because I would be out. I would be out of the first game. If our series, if our teams were playing, and you got two zero, we would stop watching it together. Well, they got a good shot tonight, because then Beds not there. Yeah. And then it goes back to DC, where they'll be home, even if Beds back.

So we'll see. Because we're up there. You would have to three zero. You guys got to do it. We were up three zero. Yeah. If your temperature's 6 six six. Huh? Oh, wow, is that evil? Oh, new maraud. Oh, here's the Holy Oakage. He breaks the mic in a game for press conference in

2019, all right, it's still what a nerd. He's shut up. He's a big sweet boy. Don't know how to use Scary microphone. Yeah, all he knows how to get triple doubles And ball out root for your big door. I don't have my big door. I love my big soft work I like my big fucking African man dingo Man dingo warrior is all fragile though. No, dude. He's a fragile boy. He goes he hits the floor 17 times a game He only gets hurt every 10th game. What they've done a lot this year which has been funny is in trying to be funny and and country. Yeah. They start playing the song with up if it's under shot clock.

They just start playing the song but sometimes a team if it's down by eight points they don't look at it as over yet. So they'll go and they'll get a steal or foul. So they go, Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da this year that has happened. Yeah, there's running it. There's talking to shit. I'm excited for the fucking game tonight. I hope they do without Joel and Bede. They don't need him, dude. Wow. They have the light skin wonder.

Ben Simmons. Benjamin Simmons. Benjamin Simmons. Australia. That's right. We're losing everybody. He's fucking white boys in the show. No fuck we're talking about.

Yo, what's up, you corny-ass white boys. What do you want to talk about? NASCAR and SHIT. Professional cigarette smoking. Is that a thing? What? Professional cigarette smoking? No, but if it was me and Ludby coaches for an over 30 league. Oh my god, you guys are really incredible. We've been running it over 30 league professional smokers. Jack can't get in there. Can't breathe.

You have to beat drags. But shallow, but shallow. Remember, these are 100s. There's so much more to it. Stop feet, everybody. It's, uh, you said, you said yesterday, the fans are back and they're acting like, but they don't know how to act. No idea. No idea. You see these things yet? you could bring up a montage easy somebody bring up a montage of what's happening in the playoffs this year of fans getting Throwing water bottle two Philadelphia games one in Philadelphia one in DC have had a major thing one a guy bum rush the the court On the last game to do what in DC? I don't know, but somebody photoshopped it into it to into me that's fine into white Howard's looking down at me and it's really really funny but

When were they when were fans allowed back in and they just playoffs well a little for the playoffs But now but now a little bit for playoffs, but for the playoffs a lot of places now are like full capacity. Yeah Or close if If you're I think it's all vaccinated and stuff. So like it's pretty fucking yeah. When fans take it too far moments. Too choppy. Uh, we'll get a bad. Everybody. Here we go. Phil Delphier. buddy here we go. Phil Delphier. I think I think the rest is done.

So yeah, he goes down. He re-edgers. This video is too long. When he's walking out of the thing, they throw popcorn on Russell Westbrook and Philly. Now I got to say his fury is a lot for popcorn. Yeah. Not popcorn. They know I hate it. I have a popcorn phobia.

But I hate you. But fuck the guy who poured popcorn on it. Yeah, you're a cunt, you're a pussy. But like, it also, his reaction was heavy. A lot, but that guy's banned forever. This is Golden State Toronto, but this looks. This is before. Yeah, this is all. There's all over the place.

They can't do this. That guy's probably been in his house for a year and didn't anything he wanted and forgot that you can't do certain things. Now, if you have to relearn that you can't throw popcorn on stranger on opposing team professional athletes, then you should have been in your house before COVID. Dude, so do you. So do you got arrested in Pittsburgh for throwing his shit? Yeah, you didn't know that you could not throw your

feet over having turds and just who's all the fucking in the lobby of the hotel. Huckin logs. Is this the guy coming on the court? Dude, Dwight Howard is so gigantic and fucking muskily. He goes right over to it. Goes right to the issue. He goes, what's up, little man?

Yeah, try your autograph. Just trying to do their little man. That was a big magic fan Somebody in New York spit on Tray young from the Atlanta Hawks Hung a Lou go on him. Yeah, it's pretty gross like what they've done and Then somebody threw a bottle of Kyrie Irving by the way All of the actions I completely endorse the sentiment behind them

But don't really throw a bottle at fucking Kyrie Irving. You'd drink it up bad boy. What if if you did that and you got caught that you know how they always talk about jails in the stadium or in the arenas? What if they took you to a holding cell and then whoever you spit at got to come into the holding cell for five minutes with you, like that was your punishment. Like they caught that popcorn guy, right? And then they take them to a place in the arena. And then there's the door opens on that guy selling Russell Westbrook.

Is like, you know, somebody bring up Russell Westbrook stats in a picture. I'll tell you what I would do. I'm up each guy, each guy, what they did, I wanna see what their reaction could be back. So I'm gonna take a look at Kyrie Irving. Okay. Right young. Okay. And who's the last one?

We just said, I'm Russell Westbrook. And remember, they're coming in angry. Okay, but I see him coming. No, you just, you don't know what's going on. I'm gonna be in hell with this. It doesn't blind-side me. I'm in a cell. I'm gonna see him come in the cell.

I'm gonna realize, oh, we're doing this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let me start realizing that you're doing this. The second he walks through the first group, otherwise Brook is 32. 32.

36, 3. He's 6 foot 3. So we're going to the same height. That is a weight height. Yeah, which is weight that would help a lot? Yeah, I need a stats and he is all around stats So you know the reach is gonna be about the same. I don't know necessarily these guys got some reach sometimes six three two hundo

He comes in I'm not a I'm not in fear for my life. He's an in-shape me. He's in shape, for sure. So I'm saying, like, I might not win the fight. You should be walking around at 200. I'm walking around around 230. Depends on this guy who takes me to, if he's good to go with speed and athleticism, he might have you. If he's got what's to go, just fucking lock horns.

Yeah, that's that's what I'm talking about. I got an outside shot, but he'll beat me, but I wouldn't worry for my life. Let's go to tray young, please. So you still throw the popcorn Throw the popcorn or hold the popcorn. It's hard to say this not my thing No, no, you're question was just like he comes in. What do you do? Yeah, I go this guy? I just go I was like all right fuck man. I fucked up, but I got to fight this guy now. We got to go all right tray young is Where is it? I fucked up, but I gotta fight this guy now. We gotta go. All right, Trey Young is a... Where is it? Six one, one eight.

Six one, one eight, and a, oh. 22. Trey Young, if I'm angry at him, I throw something at him and let him see my face, so he comes for me. Yeah, six one, one eight. Yeah, six one, one eight, all day long, dude. Even if he just has this fucking sticky right cross that just turns his hips on it. Nah, dude.

Yeah. Nope. OK. Nah, keep my chin low. And I fucked Ray Young's world up. OK. This was one of the most tweeted things out. Yeah, I'd seen it a while, which was this homeless guy in San Francisco

absolutely dominating this female officer. We will tweeted out ourselves at the Bonfire SXM. Now he did a homeless shlub. Yeah, no, he's clearly more than likely he's mentally ill. Oh yes, for sure. And this lady is- Which, by the way, Dan, is something you might have to come across as a police officer. Understand you're gonna be dealing with these people can be dealing with some homeless people that probably aren't all there now if you could just play there's no there's really no volume so she's going to you know she's telling him to stop you see a female police officer come into the frame holding a massive shotgun a shotgun As she puts a hunter back. He's in basketball shorts in a hoodie very good attire It's not a hoodie as much as for his jacket. Yeah shirtless under so he's going for a real sexy sexy vibe

He turns around and just fucking it doesn't want to be arrested anymore and just takes this lady down She can't grab her gun. He could. He could. He could take her gun. Now he's got her full mount. He's just mushing her head into the concrete. Shotgun. This guy doesn't this guy doesn't drop whatever he's holding. A local passer by gets involved. Yeah, everyone this and then he's just like choking. He's just grabbed. I. Why no one's kicking his head is beyond me. Not there it goes, that guy kicked. Third guy in kicks his head. And then it's like, she's still wrapped up, but we've talked about this on the show. Well, you know what they say about a female police officer,

it takes a village, it takes a village to pull her out of the trouble that she is now involved in. And this guy in a, now many lives are in danger. Good job, lady. There's a guy in a, like a fashionable button up shirt just punching this homeless guy in the head to let go. Finally, she gets top mount. Her and this guy arrested him.

Yes, she needs the aid of civilians to hand her out. Come on, guys. Everyone jump in. Hey, can you guys, can when you guys put your knee on his neck, I have to pee so bad. I have to pee. I know I just peed before I got here, but I have to pee again I promise you guys are gonna laugh we also have to feed the meters. We'll get tickets to I gotta go feed the meter guys you want it by the way, just like my joke look she's still on the pile She's reacting like she had top position because the other cops got there and she was on top She got this guy she goes to everybody else because she was gonna goes shut you guys can get me fired if you don't fucking I got him I got him guys

Meanwhile I got me while I got at the Apple store soaking his hand in a bucket of ice It's fucking I did go to work on this homeless. I'll never get the credit though. Yeah, I'll never get the credit Hey Mark you're up at the genius bar. Hold Hold on I fucking just shattered this fucking homeless guys head I mean that's so funny she was on top and she won't and I said the other cops get there and she doesn't like it Oh, the guy she's still like no, this is my arrest like now go give your fucking two weeks notice You know how mad I'm mad at me is if we were all on top of him She goes look at us guys huh patrol in the street

What fucking matter is if we are all on top of them she goes look at us guys huh patrol in the street what fucking shout off she goes stacey sorry officer elm's worth you fucking got us into the shit yeah that literally her at whatever her actions were cause many lives to be in danger yeah because what happened was once she was a girl walking around with a shotgun Which is already a terrifying thing The girl Warden with a shotgun being taken dismantled by a homeless guy. Do you think she was doing like fun Cute sexy sayings of the shotgun before she went patrolling or she was like, uh-oh It's babes of 12 gauges. Yeah. It's just now in your life, Mr. Sister.

Okay, let's go out there. Then this guy's like, all right, all right, I'm putting my hands up, fuck you tiny bitch. And she's like, oh no! She's practicing. It's Ms. Officer. The name is Lady. Lady Officer. It's miss is this is my friend

pump action I'm gonna look so bad. I asked up earlier and then some fucking giant Almost crazy dude was just like how I want to mush your face into the cement Just well fucking go wait, what was the lion I was gonna say? Fucking, then before you know, he's being tackled later. I've, oh my shotgun. I've got a subscription, a prescription. I've got a subscription.

Oh god, dammit, he's on there. He's got the gun. Yeah, it's kind of a bad son of a bitch got the drop me got the gun. Sound bitch, what a war and sap for a step. It's big, but he can move. Well why don't you go ahead and make my fuck son of a gun? Son of a gun for shotgun. Okay, everyone, everyone just calm down for a second.

Calm the fuck down and ready to read you out, South God. Her friends are gonna tell her things like look, you were able to keep them off the shotgun until You were able to put a bunch of civilians in danger by having the rescue you One guy had his head had like a sweater and Mail in his hand. It was just oh you didn't even put down his hello fresh box. Hey Stop it stopping crazy I just dry and I see here. I got this dry ice in here. So I'm gonna put it down. Sorry guys. There's scallops I don't want them

Get off the fucking deniro kick Throw the new take one guy that was just smashing his face to the other cop showed up. He's like, so I'm cool I don't even get trouble for that You've been listening to SiriusXM's Bonfire! New episodes every Tuesday through Friday mornings and full shows always on SiriusXM! you