The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Ditto

Episode Date: March 31, 2021

Jay imagines what it would be like to be sexually attacked by a ghost.Stream "The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder" for 3 months free on the SiruisXM app! Offer Details Apply: www.SiriusXM.com/Bonfire Follow us on all social media @TheBonfireXM@DanSoder www.DanSoder.com@BigJayOakerson www.BigJayComedy.com#CrackleCrackle

Hey, it's Big J. O'Cerson and Dan Soder. Welcome to the Bond Fire podcast. We'll have new episodes every morning, Tuesday through Friday, you want more Bond Fire, you can hear our full show every day on SiriusXM. You can go to SiriusXM.com slash Bond Fire for a special three-month offer. The Bond Fire! the bonfire Oh, no Christine love she couldn't handle it. She took off She's fucking so over it She knew she knew it's dudes day here at the bonfire She had to ghost god or dude. She's an hell razor

Man would you move out if you had you're like you've had two nights of sleeping here if you like woke up and if there was like an incubus, like you wake up and you know, Christine's getting ghost raped. Do you guys move out? She's getting ghost raped by a male ghost? Yeah. Do we move out? Does the one time, does the one time

that he fucks her satiate his thirst for revenge? Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, he's just got a taste for it. So he'll kill he come back. We don't know, you don't know. Does... I got questions, can I ask them? Yeah, fire away dude. Did the person that the ghost was know how to fuck?

Uh, well he was a butcher back in the 17th century on this land right near the Hudson River. So it's like a taking pussy kind of thing. Yeah, he's a he's a marauder. It's like a hair grab like smush your face down. I'm just trying to get when he's jerking off. He's jerking off with the lady. It's a violent display of power. Yeah, we'll move. Okay, you're a good boyfriend. Yeah. Now, what if I told you it was sensual and Christine just looked like his wife that got ran over my horses right here on 11th Avenue Does she like real question Dan is she I know it's a rape technically because he's taking what he wants sure if she

Really has like it's not so bad actually. It's like I'm able to if she feels I'm able to calm his spear and the guys packing a nice Peat he's got a ghost wiener that good rhythm. Yeah, he's got a ghost. He's got a ghost winger that moves the flesh. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, he knows when you when you when you hear is that noise from ghost and her pussy up Oh, go you're a big boy. Oh Hang on. I really got a focus if I'm going to feel it Trust me if you can get soft pretty quick. Oh hang on I really got to focus if I'm going to feel it. Oh trust me if you can get soft pretty quick. Oh God I'm going in between realms. Get off my pussy. This pussy is mine. He pushes you and you're going, am I dead? Am I dead? Did I die outside? So she's being essential. But yeah you're right she's being it's sensual, but yeah, you're right

She can ghost it and he's gonna blow her back out and day hammer just blue On once no, here's the thing. I don't want to ghost putting it down better than me. That's the problem He will it's gonna be better than me. Yeah, he's gonna fuck I mean Is a butcher he was a manly man. Well, no, I thought we've now moved on to a different sensual. That's what I'm saying. Now it's Christine reminded him of his wife that he loved more than anything. So he's being gentle with her?

Yes. And loving. Yes. And his eyes, it's not Christine. It's his Armenian wife, Jezebel. Does she just feel? I don't know if that's the same. Dan, yeah, does she just feel the insertion itself?

Or does she feel like all of it hands on her shoulders? And like breathe in our neck. Kissing hot breath. Now we got to move powerful 17th century thighs slamming into her. We have to move. Yeah. Now, if she had like a once a month ghost come in and just give her like a good old fashioned plowing and then like.

All right, I got another one for you. He fanishes into thin air. 80 Street Punk. Died on junk right down here. Okay. Near your place. Punk rock guitarist. He's more of a like, oh you're mowing to Voslamia, you're bad.

Mm-hmm. If he comes in here and you know. And he gives her a pound and boots on quick bang Or twice a year are we talking to thin guy with like a actual hammer though guys got a hammer. Oh, yeah swimmers dick Yeah, one guy like couldn't stop trying to put it in my butt. Yeah, that would be this guy He's a punk. He's a punk rocker. Oh, yeah Kissed Christine should probably wait on these things actually now she's back um he's a punk he's a punk rocker all you know that i'm a case uh... christian should probably wait on these things actually not she's back

christine thank you for joining us we've had something it's fine we just got one uh... well little bonfire context for you and that's right we can do bonfire context within the episode of context if you're just joining us this is the bonfire i'm'm Dan Soder. That's big Joe Chris. Big Joe Christine Evans is our producer and also Jay's live in girlfriend. Yeah, live in

Living mistress as Jay as yeah, so Christine I said two nights in the place What if it's haunted and an incubus rapes Christine? Do you move out? I don't know why he's choosing to use word incubus because I don't know if that's what it means. Spotted me. Wow. It's an asucubus. So the incubus I think comes with a woman and the succubus comes with a man. Shout out to your boy knowing about ghost rage. What up. So the question was Christine. He was asking me my opinions on

do we he goes first of all goes you find this place is haunted. Do you move? Now they were saying if it's haunted, but what it is, the haunting is the ghost is a butcher from the 1700s. From the 17th century, so 16th century. Sorry, sorry, 1600s. And he comes in and the first one was he comes in and nightly, aggressively, like maiden rapes you. Like Viking shit. Do we move? I said yes, we move. So that was the quick one.

You guys are immediately out. It was easy, I'm out. You fight the spirit, you guys are gone. Now, the second one is you remind him of his bride that he lost, because she was trampled by horses over on 10th Avenue. It took him, it takes him back to before he was bad. So as when he was a good guy,

and he's a very, I would dare say, very handsome man, large penis, and makes passionate love to you. Yeah, passionate. And it's very satisfying on your head. And I ask these questions already. You'll feel his hands and the whole sensuality. You'll feel his Ripley butch muscles.

And he fucks you, he just think, but you know, that's why it's a big like we're giving her a vacation on real fortune. That all sounds fine except he Dan says he lays it down on you better. He you are fuck better by this goes than me. I say then we move. Then Dan says how about once in a while an 80s junk punk from the streets comes in here skinny white dude with a hammer of a cock And once a month just comes in and goes thraps you and you enjoy it But it's you know it's fly by night very come and go and Do we and I'm not my answer that was I was yeah, we could stay here for that do we and I'm not my answer that was I was yeah we can stay here for that. What are your thoughts on any of these? Okay thoughts concerned. Okay, so thoughts concerned. So aggressive Viking rap or out gone.

Sex that's better than you were out gone. But like a just a punk. That comes in once in a while we're good. Like a punk rock musician, a hero addict from the 80s here who died in this whatever was on this land that comes in once in a while, we're good. Like a punk rock musician, heroin addict from the 80s here who died in this, whatever was on this land before, and he comes in and plows you out once in a while. It's a good time, but nothing you're pining for. Okay, and then how do you feel about that?

How do you feel about that? I feel like it. I'm forced to fuck every night, whether I'm... No, no, no, no, no, no. The first one you'd be forced, the second one, it's no no the first one you be forced the second one It's more of the first one the first kind of I want you but then it would be like it would be a it would be a pleasant Return every time you'd be like oh look who's here. It's Jacques the butcher. I mean like Jake

And you go get him some ghost water. Yeah, because maybe a ghost gatorade because this guy's Tossin out electric ghost water. Maybe a ghost gatorade because this guy's tossing out a lecture. You get him an ectocooler. He said there was a little sugar. I think it's a high-seectocooler. Can you guys spike this guy's blood so we can bang me? And then now Christine here at the bonfire as you know we're it's we celebrate women's history month and we're allies so it's now reverse the situation and Jay is brutally raped by a lady pirate that used to dock her ship here in the 16th century right brutally rapes him I mean mushes him down and you rapes you just comes in and it's very mean about it

Like pegs him or like horses are pussy on his dick both It's the peg to get him going and then fucking rides him like a horsey. I'd say ride me to get me going and then go for the Peggy. I don't think the pegging is gonna get me worked. We don't know. I don't know Pro States work. I'm speaking out of turn. I don't know. This lady has a whole process, Jay. Yeah. I think she knows what she's doing. Jay, this is a pirate from the 16th century.

From the 16th century. I think she knows how to had a peg. I think peg was around in 1592. So the second one is a lady that... He has an actual wood wood peg and that's why they call it that that could be I might be a snapple fact What was the point you say there's called pegging from a wooden peg You used to fuck men with like pegs. It's no no. It's because it's a act act it's the action of like putting a peg in a hole If you are in if you're into pegging and you don't wiggle your butt you're leaving money on the table if you're into it If you know

But wiggle if I was in the pegging I'm telling if I was in the pegging I might be People think for it. I so be waxed my asshole would be waxed Bleached it would be beautiful if I was in the... Uh, do you think people think people think we're into pegging? No? Yeah. I don't think so. No.

Digital play and pegging. I mean, I would just throw up the pole. Throw up a pole. If you were pegging me, I would probably, I would talk about that, I'd think. Yeah, because it would be hilarious. Also, we could, we could have campers. Yeah, we would also have campers buy you dildos and stuff, you know, like,

Oh, different kinds, you see fit. Man, listen, we would love to be into pegging. That's on a certain show. They have Ronnie Limbo drivers into getting pegged and he talks about it all. He like, they were sitting in like different dildos to review actually they did it one of the greatest I know you don't listen Dan but one of the funniest things they had just because I don't believe in Jewish broadcasters. Yeah. No, I know. They are. So you think it's not a brilliant.

He's not offensive. I don't know. I love you guys work. I just have a real problem with Jewish broadcasters. It's the only racist thing I have. Really, like, what, really? Well, so what they did was they gave him Ronnie two different dildos to get pegged with by his girlfriend, his much younger girlfriend. Yeah. And he would say,

and then he would come back and give reviews. Yeah. Of them. And then he reviewed them. And so this one was great., this one was better looking, but like it hurt more and this one was actually decent. And then afterwards they told him that they were molds of Sal and Richard.

It's so funny, that's so fucking fun. That's so fucking fun. That's so cool, those are so fucking funny. That is really, like you really said how much he loved one and how big it was. Yeah, he's like, oh God, it really filled me up. You got to make eye contact with that guy in the hallway. He's man, my dude.

How you doing? How you doing, your butt? How you fucking doing. So for, but the ghost, the ghost that pegs you, it's violent. It is a violent. She gives me the goods. Yeah, I mean, I'm a dude, I can handle it. Like, I'll, I'll live.

Now, the second ghost makes love to you. It really sucks you, you'm a dude I can handle it like I'll I'll live now the second ghost Makes love to you really sucks you you get a good ghost beach. Okay, which is shot? Yeah, yeah gorgeous Okay, gorgeous woman, so you're asking for the pirate. Yeah, do you move out? Of course the pirate you move out? What about the lady? Christine, what are you making a face for you think I should get butt fucked by a ghost so you can live here What more do I have to do because it's so convenient? She goes oh Jay just take your fucking ghost peg Look at that view yeah, she just she just looks out the window as you're just getting mushed into a It doesn't get easier

It doesn't get easier He tickets I would say actually more difficult It's a big peg. Oh fuck you changed it you up did let's a square peg I'm gonna run whole is that a quarter inch. What are we doing here? They're not great in bed They're not great in bed. The pirate ghost? Now what about a punk lady that just comes and sucks off Jay? Watching your boyfriend get a ghost blowjob would be so funny.

It's like, oh! Oh! Yeah, I was going, The stayer down in it. Oh! Oh! Fuck yeah! And then somebody just go,

and come just shoot that ear to it. He just launched a load. He just looks like he's all the way, are you okay? I don't know. I don't know. Oh, get it out And it all daddy make mess like watching Christine be made love to my ghost would be central and she'd be like Oh, but you Look she's like she's master, baby. Yeah, you're getting a ghost make it look she's like she's masturbated. Yeah, you getting a ghost blood type? It's like, eh.

You even getting ridden. Yeah. You're getting ridden, you're like, oh, yeah. You like the other way, thing. We were bowling your hips, you know? To blunt the impact, you got, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So you, now what do you, do you move? Christine. So you now what do you do move? Christine I So you want me you want to move for Both of the situation like you don't want to get raped But you do want to have the sensual fucking because with me you didn't want either one I didn't say sensual fucking. He didn't say yes to either one You're coming with some real-world mad energy right now. Yeah, what's going on? You're making up a thing.

Is that ghost in the air? It said, now we've moved on to it. So no, we moved for both of those things. The other one was if I get my, if I get blown by an 80s heroin punk, but she's hot. And it every once in a while while we're watching TV. He's got a lot of hands going to fall back. I'm going to look confused and then come's going to shoot at him.

I dick. You guys are watching a GT and then J's like, oh, fuck. She's back. It's happening. It's happening. Yeah. The lamp picks up and then goes back down. She's like, yeah.

And then Christine looks at the camera goes there here. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm going to grade something at jealous anyway. Yeah. there he goes there here I'm gonna grade something at jealous anyway. Yeah, you go by the by the third time you guys have code names for it You go she it's an anti-regan. She's giving me an anti-regan. Oh, oh Get away from me pirate. I think if you're having ghosts sex, you should know what kind of ghosts sex you're having and Then move from from there, but if it just happens the first time don't immediately move out if you like I fuck fives and sixes. I tell you I'd be honest with you if this I'd give Christine the sensual

Because with Dan didn't throw in the caveat on yours that Dan didn't throw in was this guy fucks you Not just essentially in good significantly better than me so then it's the thing like well what am I doing? Impossible. I am. I'm not so, I'm not so, I'm not so, you got milling vanilla. I'm playing it on the blame it on the blame it on the brain on the brain. Are we talking the like ghost Jason Momoa for Christine? Mm-hmm. Yeah. The butcher. Yeah, the butcher dude. But you're coming to bang her out.

Yeah. Just fucking your better than me. And we have to move no matter what. I don't like the idea of just any ghost coming in here whenever they want having their way with the ghost. Well, Christine, they shouldn't. They should be like, we're moving. Like we're living. like I'm not living like that watch talk to the developers that put the building on the person's grave Yeah, so that's what that's you start talking to what about mass grave that's over here by the shipyard The souls of all the dead shipment then went down don't talk to me talk to the greedy business man You want to move by the Hudson for this as I smudge as soon as we moved in. Like come on, you think that it's not taken care of?

No, no, that's not gonna stop old sailors from coming in here having to wait for you. You don't know Mara time ghosts, Christine, they hang around. These people, these men were just floating around on the sea on their ship. I'm from the sea. Christine, Christine, Mara time ghosts, honestly, is not your specialty. Come sea. I know the most Christine maritime ghosts. Honestly is not your specialty

Come on I'd bow out now you're more into wicked shit and tree gods You're more of a you're more of a land of sirens love sirens and mermaids You're more of a flame or made all the time growing up now you're more of You're more into the forest dark arts. Yeah like surf zombies is your shit. We're talking about. Surfs of you which then a. Yeah. What? Don't down down down. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. I'm talking about some dudes who work on a barge that tattoo themselves with pencils. Yeah, we're talking to anchormen. I think those guys don't like me. I'm sure they do. Christine for Christyx are coming in here raping you.

Yeah, they're coming up several flights of stairs. Yeah. Ghost can't take elevators. Are you under your fucking tits? That's ridiculous. Energy's too much. It'll fucking work. Do you do the- where the ghosts be?

You're like flying around like Aladdin. Yeah, I mean, fuck you right now, but your actual real science explanation on why they can't take the elevator It was sneaky good You know, yeah, obviously their energy's gonna Breeze past that I was like, that's actually kind of That's movie explanation. It was such confidence. Yeah, I really did it. Christy Mozles. Can you say? She has no idea. Jesus over here thinking about Jason Mamoah ghost below in her back out

And be nice. Yeah, she got She attached real emotion to all these ghosts these hypothetical ghost rapes Yeah, I swear to you if the guy that's my thing if the guy didn't fuck Christine better than me You'd be okay. Yeah, it's once in a while. You don't want to be like, what if it was a dude I'm exhausted like, you know, a ghost dude. What if he was, all right, what if it varied? Sometimes he got off a long shift at the ghost scene. I was like, sorry, Christine, it's just not in the cards tonight. I'll tell you what. Here looks as if he were missing by. I'm getting fucking rejected by the God damn ghost rapist. You know, that's a good boy, Chris.

I don't want your. I don't want your. But here's something to hit. But here's what I'm saying, though. It's like, you know, he shoots it out. What happened? It keeps me honest, though. Like it really every time you show up to the game,

though, you show up to win at that point, because you're like, this other guy can come. He's he's three in a row, knocking knocking out of the park better than me before Christine starts wondering if she should look into a place with this ghost maybe she should jump out the window and then join him on the other side or in the in between world that is why we can't open our windows wide. Yep. All the good reason. Ghost dick making ladies in this building go crazy. Christine's gonna go up to one of them roof decks. Fucking take a- I'm coming Jason Mamoah but your pirate? He goes, I was- I didn't think you were gonna want to make this like a thing. Oh no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no Christine you say we move for all of it any ghost any ghost action you're out

I don't know a ghost blowjob doesn't really seem Ghost blowjob's hilarious, but worth moving for it. But then if you get a ghost, okay I've tried to suck your dick and you've turned me away Can you imagine some ghost could just like come and blow you whenever she wanted like get out You think I can look at that? What's better than me? Fuck that. What if it's better than me? Fuck her. That's up to Dan. Dan? Is it better than Christine? I don't really know. I'm not in the ghost oral sex.

I find that a little bit. You seem to know that this Jason Emola butcher was better at fucking Christine than me. I would say, you know what she does better than anything? Good tit fucking. A ghost tit fuck. That means nothing to me. No, it's a great Christine. How about this? Just as similar, it's a varying scale. You know, sometimes it's gonna be a toothy ghost beach.

Sometimes she throws a throat to it, and sometimes she's coming from the other world to just blast nut. Yeah, she wants nut in the back of her throat. It's the only thing that can feel her to touch her and move physical objects. Oh, that is true. Yes. Seaman fills her tank. She gull it to it. It's fuel from the mortal world. Yeah. She has to collect my my plasm. Are we writing a are we writing an after life sensual fucking movie right now is no one jotting this down is doing taking notes cuz

Pretty sure I can get some people a lion's gate on the phone if someone says my place is haunted by a ghost that has sex with me You need more information before you say congratulations or I'm very sorry or oh my god and we're asking these questions Yeah sorry or oh my god and we're asking these questions. Yeah, listen, if you would just want to paint black and white sure, but I like to paint with a palette of colors. Jacob, the blow job is fantastic, Jay, but it, are you saying Dan, it's when it's at, whenever the ghost wants it, yes, I'm like, I'm walking out the door now to do legion of Skanks. Uh-uh. No, the ghost is going to, yeah, the ghost is going to pin him against the fridge and just suck them off. Yeah, but if you guys say she's throwing the fucking chops to it the way you're describing, I'm thinking it's going to be like,

that's going to be one of those like, I can be three minutes late ghost, maybe. Jay, you're going to get a extra flight. You're late for a flight, Jay. Jay, you're going to gonna hear the but then you hear the snap of a ghost scrunchie You know she's about to get to work and I'll be honest with you I'll be honest with you if I leave the house and She ghostly can't follow me then I don't know what to say about that. She can chase you down the halls She can chase me down the halls that I'm saying Then he hears what I'm saying. She's a ghost so she weighs nothing man. She's vapor at most. So I'm saying suck me off while I'm running to the elevator.

And then and then we'll all come and then we'll all come together and Scooby do it. It wasn't a ghost at all. It wasn't a ghost at all Like jeez scoops. It was just that homeless slut from downstairs Gee scoops this whole time. It was just homeless slut By the way, it's hilarious where we're living I said it's so much quieter up here. There's not a bunch of weird derelicts walking around outside I've seen the same homeless guy who's got a winner jacket tucked into his pants And he's walking around being a crazy night and then today walked right outside and there was a guy taking a piss in a little A water bottle. Well first off look at the bright side. It was a new water bottle. It was a little

Fuse. I mean come on. New York City. Baby. Yeah, you can't get rid of the taste on the grill. His long, thin dick was out. Long, long thinner. It's got a long thinny, yeah. Got that nerd rope. $1,000 a month and it could shit on your stoop. Yeah. Start spreading the news.

I'm leaving, Tudette. I'm watching men piss. Shit. My chicks upstairs getting raped by a pirate ghost. In all New York. Watching a man scream at traffic. The summertime blues. Internet portals on the street old with homeless men whacking off. I'm getting sucked off by a spooky specter on my way to the elevator in Old New York.

Dude, old people love in Frank Sinatra. It's just great. That's why I loved the... The Rose argument. Dude, that book though about SNL where they explain I think it's called live from New York and it's like a retelling of SNL But Joe Piscopo is all serious about it Like he would tell writers. He'd be like Frank wouldn't say that. I don't think we give that to Frank And then he was like the piss the Sinatra's loved my impression of Frank Sinatra than Phil Hartman's was just the meme mob.

It's like, I got chunks of tougher guys than you and my stool. And then they're like, that is offensive. That makes me laugh so much doing the impression of the person being like, checking with the family. Do you think this is what you would say? Like I would text Macho Man's brother and be like is it okay if I say this and they go This is only licensed by the family. Yeah Yeah space ghosts

Suck and dick coach the coast I'm gonna take your comb whenever I want it. Yeah, I'm gonna suck it right out of you Jay I go dude you're your apartment's haunted by macho man Randy Savage you sucks you off. It's the best Way though to have to accept that ghosts are real and can like it like Deal in the physical world what a bio blowjob Yeah, that blowjob, but yeah getting a blowjob from a ghost or Christine being essentially made love to buy a ghost pirate Well, there's those lit that lady that we watched on the show where she was like getting engaged to him Remember and they broke up he changed, but she's a lunatic liar sure, but what if she's not she is

No, but just follow me there. What if she's not a lunatic? What if she's actually get here's why she's not a lunatic Take it by this guy. I'll tell you why she's a lunatic and I'm not a lunatic Because if I decide to tell the world hey guys I guess I'm getting sucked off by a ghost in my house. It's that story's gonna be prefaced and followed by an endless string of like I know I know I know Fuck me. You know, don't believe me cuz I think I would I know I know fuck me you know don't believe me because I think I would just say I'm lying to you I'm telling you I get sucked off if you ever want to come by and it happens great like I can't beg you to

believe me I'm just I'm getting sucked off by I know I know it's best sex I know I'm telling you the next person who tells you a similar thing is probably lying best sex I ever had you got a bar lying. Best sex I ever had? You got a bar, you got a best sex I ever had? You're gonna shit when I tell you this. It was a maiden from 1490. She was a burn for being a witch. Yeah, turns out she had unfinished business in this realm and that was getting this dick.

So we fucked and then, you know, where's Christine go? She passed out. I don't even want to know. She's the only way to go is, I'm looking out, okay. So we fucked and then you know where's Christine go pass out She's the only way to go is I'm looking out okay Hey pop it back in the video. How'd you do coke? Yeah, are you I love lines what's the line easy about lines? You've been listening to Sirius XM's bonfire! New episodes every Tuesday through Friday mornings and full shows always on Sirius XM! you