The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Do You Have Your Passport? (w/ Dave Landau, Mike Vecchione, Justin Silver, Neal Brennan & Tim Dillon)

Episode Date: January 14, 2019

Dave Landau taught the gang about English pedophile extraordinaire Jimmy Savile’s many abuses. Jay and Christine take an online test to see how abusive their relationship is. Mike Vecchione, Justin Silver & Neal Brennan join the show as we listen to R. Kelly's Ethiopian "Recruitment" video. Tim Dillon discuss the wonderful perks of being good looking and the perils of not being good-looking. 

You're listening to Comedy Central. Hi, I'm Dan Soder. I'm Big J. Ocasin. And you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire Live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM on Comedy Central Radio. Serious XM95 or on demand on the Serious XM app.

Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire, SXM. Our guest joining us in the studio right now, you know him as the co-host of the Anthony Coomias Show on Compound Media, Steve Landau. How you doing? What's up, buddy? He's good to see you, man. I got weapons and a cookie just walking in the door.

Yeah, you're welcome to the bonfire. Thanks for having me. Are you caught up in the Rkelli scandal? Is there a new one? I mean, just to, you know, his whole existence. Well, they just put his documentary series out. I miss the show yesterday and Jay went in on it. Dude, that one, I can't even think know his whole existence. Well, they just put his documentary series out. I missed the I missed the show yesterday and Jay Winning on it. Dude that one I came think of his name now

He was like the he was the biggest pedophile ever who was a kids TV show host in England and he was knighted Yeah, like kids did they put it about? Did they put a kid's dick on his shoulders when they're not? A little boy over He's on the make sure it touched both the ears oh I would that's the part that makes me the randios yeah

there's an ear play Jimmy Sevill this guy I'm not kidding like that he's still a sir yeah but kids would be like on their deathbed and they're fucking they wanted to meet this guy that was their last wish so he could fuck him dude. He would go We're think for a mega wish. Yeah, Jimmy's to be going to be look. I got to be alone with him Really? Yeah, and then Jimmy's who would be alone and basically bang a dying kid I'm serious

He was the biggest monster ever Well, you see how the medicine works is arguing in there talk to the kids bring a lot of hope Are you gonna hear a belt on buckling? That's just the sound of it working Don't come in if I'm wearing your child this guy is a fucking garbage Yeah, he's a dresser though. Well, yeah, if you look at him. Yeah, that he looks like the Can you bring a video files like if there was a pedophile island he'd be the guy you Silence on pedophile island. I say what goes silly Walker. Yeah When you fuck With me and you'll see your dying wishes granted

With me and you'll see your dying wishes granted Because Jimmy Seville's old weird dick is rubbing on your thighs Now the child ejaculation We were even kids know you're on or I'm a bottom I Take it I made them rape me. I am a power bottom child rapist You're not going to the studio when Seville's in there on break. Why? Because what happened? I went in there once. I didn't like what I saw. It's baby pool day.

Weird. Yeah, we're just going on. You can on the wheels, jellies. Jellies. Just fucking naked kids and sundry. It's just a child ejaculation. Jellies ejaculation.ulation you will see no Because you lose you get fucked good day

Jimmy's to be allegedly got away with abusing 500 children and sex with dead bodies. Oh, he fucked them after they died Yeah, that guy that guy plays through the whistle. I'll be up Time time time time. Oh, sorry, man. Sorry the adrenaline's going Jimmy come on dog you gotta think the trying to call this thing even Steven's man You are you a jimbo you worry one the game there's no need to keep don't get up the score on the score Jimmy fucking ass hold your head

Jimmy jam jam what are you doing? Throw the damn pow! You just show up Jimmy. Jimmy knock this kid out man. They're supposed to be next to me. Next to me. Next because Jimmy's like I don't know if he dies he dies. Tell me weird though when Jimmy's civill shows up. Oh I don't know. I don't know.

He's like eighth time to go to the children's morgue, like I just want to see you. You go again and say good-bye to them. Can I have a moment alone with my deceased friend here? Please. You guys don't remove the bullies immediately. I'm here. There's no steroids in this cream, is there?

What did I give you about that out of four quid? You take a walk? I'm here with our newly deceased friend. No, it's still pretty warm. If you could step out of the room for a minute. Do you believe in taxidermy? Do you believe that the soul leaves the body once, death occurs?

Is there for mountain hiding? This boy already goes. No, not yet. He goes. Oh, God. Oh, Roddog, Roddog, Citroën. I'll be eating the ass then. Oh, it looks like I'll be eating the ass then.

Oh, looks like I'll be munching some butt. Hey, we got a new kid coming in for the TV show. Ooh, wet food. You guys have never thought. The way that I eat is how I eat at living order, doesn't matter. I like to hunt, but I also don't mind being lazy. I want, would you like to mash my bang? Oh, dude, what a fucking monster.

He's definitely burning in hell. Oh, yeah, if there's a hell, it's for sure him and Hitler. Yeah, just in heaven's. Hitler's going to... You had sex with 500 children? You, you as the front of the pack, my friend. God, you used to leave on to the worst people I've ever met down here. It lurch just a Paul look at him Is I recall he got away with it too?

Like he died he died before he got fucking Shit yep, so he died from what he died from too happiness There is no carman the world for real. What do you die from pure There is no carman in the world for real. What are you? Pure Ration He died laughing from He was surrounded by the children that were terrified. Yeah, he choked on a kids dick. I swear to God He had 12 tiny

Praises it was a door He had to have 70 ball They're a walking pole egg and scared. They're all still sick. Here I think this is crazy. The reading level between all of them. Third grade. They're doing an accessory route to the fucking funeral.

He demanded sick children be his Paul Bears. The bill was a good man. He was a fine-inges erected. Jesus, dude. He, with unfettered access to Leeds General Infermory, uh... uh... was a good man he was a farming district uh... he with unfettered access to the its general infirmary the health service report he raped and fondled boys girls men and women in offices and corridors he's like boys

i'll touch him here i'll touch them everywhere he also allegedly committed sexual acts on dead bodies and even told several hospital workers that he made jewelry out of one of man's glass eyeball What a fucking villain that's just Well, in Ferris he died he didn't need it anymore. That's just an odd like Fred gains or whatever's name is the thing to throw in there. They made jewelry out of an eyeball It's that's just bored elevator conversation. Do you remember the guy with the eyeball? What if I told you? I have it as a necklace Do you remember the guy who is the eyeball? What if I told you I have it as a necklace?

Yes, what would that be weird? What? Why what if I told you I fucked every kid I have a mask? I'm kidding, let me buy you a, let me buy you an ale, come on. Yes, come on, let's have one. What if I told you I have an pastor kid that I haven't at least touched weird? Oh my god, I line up all the dead ones and I do a car wash with the pears. I'm a, bbobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobob And we last left you, our Kelly was doing terrible things to people. His ex-wife says at one point she went to the domestic abuse website and there's 17

questions. Will we find these questions? Is everybody able to come up with them? Christine. Christine, you find the fucking questions? Can't look it up before we hear it. Oh, we shit this bitch. I'm a dumb fuck. No, a not okay guys. It's okay

This is how she learns if I publicly humiliated Christine where the fuck are the questions? Do you think you're being abused this is the one you have one? All right, let's do it. Does your partner? Number one I keep a score Jacob does your part does your partner ever Embarrasser make fun of you in front of friends or family put down your accomplishments or goals I'm gonna say this Christine to that to me. Yes. She is embarrassed and made fun of me in front of my friends She's embarrassed me for sure. Yeah. I remember that Christine We're going beat for beat. Oh, yeah

Do I do both of these things? Yes, yes, yes, it's a tie ball game right so far. Go ahead Mark face You asked me the question in two parts. Well, I make you feel like you are unable to make decisions No, she doesn't make me feel that way Christine Oh, wait. Yes, she does make me feel that way. Uh-huh See prime example right there. She does. Not sold on an answer. I'm just not going to make a decision there. But yes, but she does not use threats. So, what are you saying, Christine? Does Jane make you feel like you're unable to make decisions at any time? No. Does Jay ever use intimidations or threats to gain compliance? No. Did you see no

lucky game in that answer? Christine, are you fucking using intimidation? No. Jay, does Christina ever tell you that you are nothing without them? Yes. Nothing without her. Yep. Really? Yeah.

Hell yeah, Christine. She definitely thinks that the only reason of my career is going anywhere in the time that I've been with her is because of the thing she has done. She thinks there's no way I would have, I would have never gotten anything if she wasn't willing to let me dictate my jokes so she can transcribe them for TV. She thinks they wouldn't have wanted me on TV if I had to hunt and peck and type it myself. But uh, so yes, no belief in your talent.

Yep, that's me. No belief. Is this number one right now? Does she tell me I'm not your number one in her right now? Are you embarrassing her or making fun of her in front of your friends? We have to keep score. Telling that there's nothing that I'm... There's nothing with them. Christine, yes, she does say that to me.

God, do I say that to you, Christine? Yes, 100%. Sure I do. And by the way, but I'm right, she would be nothing without me. Does Christine ever treat you roughly? Within that subcategory grab push pinch Shove or hit no no Christine I do abuse my pets though You don't have all right. That's later on I would know if she had a pet I would threaten it

Because I don't believe a pet but understand anything so I would take her if she had a puppy I'll take the puppy big. I'm gonna go in the other room This motherfucker taking the room and go so I would take her if she had a puppy I'll take the puppy big I'm gonna go in the other room and murder this motherfucker take it in the room It goes I'm gonna murder you This one I've been a part of does end Jay does Christine call text or email you several times a day or show up To make sure where you are or where you said you were gonna be no She's relaxed. Yeah, Christine vice versa. Yeah, no, no, okay. Well, this is a good one. Jay does Christine ever use drugs or alcohols and excuse for saying hurtful things or Yes, yes, yes, she has past present or future past present and I don't know about the future

Really depends how abused we are Christine same question. No, good man. I gotta be honest. I right now I have a baby girl I don't know how else to keep a baby girl. I don't know how it's to keep a baby girl I've fallen these guidelines. I know like my fucking commandments Playbook on how to keep a young girlfriend. Oh, yeah, I agree with you mind control This one I don't care for but Jay just Christine ever blame you for how they feel or act. Yes Christine. Yes. OK. Yacob, you got that? It's usually because I'm an idiot.

Oh, wow. A specific example. Yeah, like Christine. She has to say that three times a day. Interesting one. J. Does Christine, we're going to start with the, does Christine ever pressure you sexually for things you don't want to do?

No. Christine? No. Oh. Freaks. That's one's great. sure you sexually for things you don't want to do. No. Christine? No. Oh, freaks. That's one's great. Jay, does Christine ever make you feel like there is no way out of the relationship?

Yes. Christine, same question to you. Nope. I show Christine several different avenues she could take out of the relationship What about preventing you from doing things you want like spending time with friends or family? Yeah, no Christine. No, no It's because you guys are friends and family. We are Wow, this is nice and the does your partner try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to quote-unquote Try to keep me from you try to keep me from leaving after a fight?

Yeah, that's yes and yes for both of us. That's a lot of doors. Jacob, can we get the score? I feel like it was pretty even match. Where are we at so far? You only, you both agreed on everything except two. Christine is the only one that's abused you by using drugs and alcohol.

Yeah. You never did that to her you by using drugs and alcohol. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You never did that to her. Nope. I wouldn't. And you've. I'm in the hot hole. Look. She's made. And she's making and picking chocolate coconut. And she's made you feel that there's no way out of this relationship even but you have not made her feel that way. That's right. I don't do that. Aside from that, you're even on every other question, but who's more abusive right now? So Christine is Times more abusive than you are

Jay Do you sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act? Yep, Christine. Yeah, wow We got to work on that Do Jay do you constantly make excuses to other people for your partners in behavior? Yep. Yeah. You're going to be like this constantly. She's trying to play a game of numbers now here.

The key word is constantly. Wait, constantly make excuses for it. Constantly. I constantly make excuses for Christine's behavior. I'm like, he's just a dick, it's just how he is. Yeah. Jay, do you believe that you can help your partner change? If only you change something about yourself, I've tried to change everything I could about myself.

I've learned that I cannot make Christine change. I've tried to change her. I've done everything. She's unchangeable. She is another level of dumb. Christine, same question. Do you think you can make Jay change? No.

Two knows. Jay, do you feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you? Yes. Do I feel like no matter what I do, my partner is never happy with me? Yes. Christine, do you feel that way? Yes. Okay, you guys, this is good for you guys. J, do you always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want? No.

No. Christine, no. J, do you stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner will do if you broke up? Yeah, I shall kill herself because she all have nothing. She'll be a loser failure, so I am worried. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, we're not doing that. Oh, you used one to short answer?

I was doing an essay answer. Sorry, I thought this was long form. Will that be killing myself? Yeah, I don't need to kill yourself when you realize that no one will ever have you because you're ugly Classic abuse while you're ugly nobody else wanted to Christine honestly because they did want you they probably couldn't care You how big you use If they want you they probably have to no one wants to run a van to bring you home Jay dad is classic using intimidation or threats to gain compliance

They're probably gonna get pulled over when you have to stop the way the truck before you go over our bridge. She'll be back. She'll be back again, buddy. You gotta keep him. She'll be back. She'll be back.

We're gonna worst. Well, I think that's it. I didn't answer that. That's it. Yeah, Christine, what do you think of that? Yes. Yes? What do you think Jay would do?

You think he'd fucking kill himself in a little bit? Tell the world a horrible person I really am. Yeah, Christine, what do you think of that? Yes. Yes? Yeah. What do you think Jay would do? You think you'd fucking kill himself a little bit? Tell the world a horrible person I really am. Let's go with now. We're together and love each other. Well, I want you guys to know that without help, the abuse will continue. Yeah.

Comedy Central Radio Series X and 95, Justin Silver, Mike Vekio and hanging out. Their podcast, no disrespect on the gas digital network. Neil Brennan joins us. Comedian to the world is the new series of stand-up podcast, no disrespect on the Gastigial Network. Neil Brennan joins us, comedians of the world is the new series of stand-up specials on Netflix, episode number one, Neil Brennan joins us. Blackloo pulled the other day for me. This is R Kelly performing in Ethiopia. He's in Ethiopia and the title is basically

that people think he's recruiting in Ethiopia and if you listen to you argue this clip It really does sound like that Find that if that's real or not. Did you get your shots? I mean this guy sings this guy has lyrics like you remind me of my Jeep So I'm not putting it past them do you have your shots and just show them the bunch like you're some of the bunch like He's got a bunch of 12 year old Fucking Ethiopian girls backstage. He's checking their teeth. He's looking for good stuff. Fucking horses Think about anything to your parents need electricity. Let me help you girl

What those flies from your eyes girl. Wipe those flies from your eyes. I'm taking you to America. You don't have to worry about getting eaten by a tiger in my crib. Do you want to eat out of a bowl that's not made of wood? It's not made of wood. Oh, that's fish that you didn't catch yourself from the river? Wash your clothes in a machine and not a lake that you share with rhinoceros shit. I Did you get your shots? That's the court Do you have your passport did you get your your shots? Tell Sally Struthers you don't need help no more

That's fucking hilarious He really is that look at that's a bat if that's real Christine I'm trying to Real that's absolutely on it. Absolutely. Did you get your shop? Absolutely real to you shot I love it. It's not genius This is gonna be a thing where it's like it was hundreds of girls. Yeah. What do you mean?

The whole archelle, like it's really cool. I thought you'd be one of Ethiopian show. You got 100 girls at night. There's, I know we haven't gotten through the whole thing, but there's something about like the missing girls. That's a powerful message. Oh, it's the mission. The Boca-Haram. He may have been in Boca-Haram. Really? No, I'm just kidding. like the missing girls. That's a powerful message about vaccination. Oh, it's the Boko Haram.

He may have been in Boko Haram. It really numbs. Oh, it's good. I didn't, I gotta watch this. He got it. So funny. If you are subscribing the idea that he statutory raped a bunch of young teens, I don't know if anyone's gonna be happy with Delani because I admit that I wasn't that cool.

Okay, you know, guys, I might not have been that cool. Did you fuck, did you fuck a bunch of children? He goes, well that I wasn't that cool okay you know guys I might not have been that cool did you fuck did you fuck up on your children he goes I was not cool to them yeah definitely not that cool your honor your honor I'm gonna plead not cool that gave me some kind of statutes gonna get me like time serve for that or what's up did you think what you did was wrong it wasn wasn't awesome. I wasn't obviously not cool. Oh, every man's right to us be to try to prove he is not cool or not. In the criminal justice system, there are two types of people cool and not cool. We the jury find it offended. Cool. Yeah. It's just hot people behavior. It's just really hot people behavior.

Hot people behavior in Hollywood, in business, in fucking, wherever you go, politics. They don't understand what it's like to not walk around and have the world kidding. If you are good looking, it is such a difference. You're like very good looking. Very, very good looking. I'm, yeah.

Sotars not like, now we're talking about like really good. I'll tell you what I am, I am regular, I'm regular attractive. We're getting older now too, it's, you know, the hair sitting in seats. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're getting gray.

When you're really good looking dude, things doors open for you, people want to help you. Every hotel I've walked into, I've been threatened. Do you know what I mean? Every single hotel, every, I go walked into, I've been threatened. Do you know what I mean? Every single hotel, I go to nice restaurants. Every nice restaurant that I go to, the waiter gives me a speech up front, there's some version of, we pay with real money here, okay?

But you know what I mean? Every place I go is like a, remember in the movies, there was a whole genre of homeless guys going to nice places Like early Sue there was all these movies Just vagabonds going out for lobster. Yeah everywhere. I'm treated like that Or most people think that you're the editor of the local newspaper Yeah, I walk in and they're just like okay. It's great to have you here here the prices You know you don't have to order everything we can get you know

And if I was just a hot good-looking person not even in the entertainment when you know, you don't have to order everything. We can get, you know, and if I was just a hot, good looking person, not even in the entertainment when you just try to get a job, try to get a job at a restaurant or a hotel or a store. If you are overweight or not good looking, you will be taste. Like no one tries to fuck with you. If you, because you're representing, nobody wants me representing Christian Deore. You know what I mean? Like they don't want me to be on the floor.

Can I tell you where I realized where I was on my attractive scale is when I was dead broke and I was serving at DOS Camino's and I was like, I need money. When you went from Ford to Wilhelmina. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was very hard. It was, I was, first was modeling it ford and I was like they don't

Tell me I couldn't I can only do print not run away and I said that will amina scoop me up And knew that I was running red look at this bitch work No, but I went to Bergdorf Goodman and the restaurant on the fifth floor Yeah, and they treated me like what the fuck are you doing here? And I looked at the way staff and I was like oh man everyone here's hot because that came in and I was like I want to work lunches and they're like no we went to we went to high T there once yeah yeah you gotta see like the job that I had the tour guide job the trolls that they allow to do that because you're working outside now if you're working outside, it's the, it's the,

it's the step below subterranean. Before you go in a, look at anyone who works outside, they've developed to the conditions. So like all these people who work on tourbusters, like these went like one woman named Winter, I swear to God, said to me, this is the third thing she ever said to me, she goes, I've had nine foot surgeries in the past three years. Actually, it was just like this troll person. So for that job, I was like, hot.

I was like, oh, I'm hot now. Yeah. Because I work on a bus outside. Go find the job right now. I'm in a place where you're hot. Yes. Find the place you're hot. That's you got to find the place you're hot.

Comedy. I do. I found my place. I think comedy. I do. I'm still. Yeah. I'm blown away by the amount of women

that are hilarious. That are like, man, it's like, you're really sexy. You're like, no, it's like every girl who looked like you, all through high school, laughingly, would laugh off my, don't even call them advances, just like, hey, you want to hang out some time? I was like, what? I mean, you always say it to me where you're like,

you don't have a big head and you are attractive, but I had, that was all of high school. I was the funny guy in the group where I'd be like, what? Yeah. I mean, you always say it to me where you're like, you don't have a big head and you are attractive, but I had, that was all of high school. I was the funny guy in the group where I'd be like, hey, Lauren, do you want to go out and you'd be like, I'm gonna hang out with Mike. And I'm like, yeah. Yeah. That doesn't hurt even a little bit.

I'm gonna not go home and play with toys. Ah! I'm gonna smoke butts and play with toys now. Hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM East on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM 95, or on demand of the Series XM app. Be sure to follow us on all social media

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