The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Doodie Gate (feat. Bob Kelly)

Episode Date: January 25, 2023

The great Robert Kelly returns and gets accused of a disgusting offense!

I'm Big J. Ocarson and I'm Dan Soder. You can listen to full two hour long episodes of the Bond Fire? Two hours! That's a real commitment to us. Well, it's on Series XM or with the SXM app. It's easy, just go to seriesexm.com slash Bond Fire for a special offer. And now the bonfire with Big J. Ocarson and Dan Soder. We got to have the mic, what are you doing? We got to have the mics up.

It's the bonfire and J's about to do his dance. From the magic mic trailer that Channing Chantaneum does. It's, it's close. Do the arm thing again, do it it again take it from the top yeah Go now do that one do the one who tears the shirt off and he rubs his abs on the pole Yeah, I said do the one who does pole. Yeah, I said we're doing the one where we can't do the one where we can't do the one where we can't do the one where we can't do the one where we can't do the one where we can't do the one where we can't do the one where we can't do the one where we can't do the

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Get classically trained. Welcome back to the Bond Fire Series XM Facts Talk 103. I'm Dan Sutter. That's Big J.O.K.R.K.R.C. and Bobby Kelly hanging out. His special Killbox available at luick.com. Go download it. Also go get tickets to C.J. and Connecticut Friday, February 3rd. Saturday, February 4th. He'll be at the Wilbur in Boston Massachusetts.

BigJ comedy dot com for tickets and tour dates including St. Louis in Nashville. Dan Soder Sacramento February 2nd to the 4th. After that Vancouver Salt Lake City Toronto for tickets and all tour dates go to Dan Soder dot com. Yes Jacob? I might come up to Boston for your show. Oh, hell yeah, Wilbur? Yeah, because I want to go to the drum shop. My first piece? My first piece.

Oh, the drum shop. Remember I told you? Yes. You did see it? I don't know if you've found the take a ride there. Do you know about that drum shop? I do. You told me about it last week, but I've actually walked by it.

Yeah, Portnus is awesome, little town. It's a little sea port town. So you're gonna say little black for your taste? No, it's no black for my taste. It's a, it's a. No black people? No, there's a couple. There's a few.

It's got a good cigar bars, what I was gonna say. Oh, okay. Yeah, I mean, it's fun. We may have a racial though we made a racial though no how many people were you hang out oh I like to go with there's a lot okay okay uh gets me out of my white stubbornness where you um well you were on the show last week some controversy came about oh god god. After. Yeah. Um, I wasn't aware until the next day. I was told when I got here. I was told,

moments after it happened, I guess. You were, oh no, I was told moments after the show. I had left, and by the way, for the situation, I'm out of the least. I can't smell. I have what people have called the Dewey Cox syndrome. Yeah, you have a deaf nose.

I have a deaf nose. I cannot smell what you have found. Wow. 2023? Okay. Are we doing that now? Jan, turn on me. Yeah, I say it back.

Yeah, I just turn. I started saying back in the show. Say, Lou, do you like my saying back? I'm saying back. Do you like my saying back? I'm saying backging people down. Whoa dude, that's the way. Another comic, not have your back at all.

I'm like, I didn't like that drop at all. I was like, what are you doing, you aint? You built a safe house here. God damn, I think I have to do this. It's so caution of the win, huh? Do you want a career? I got it. Can I talk to you real quick? We've been doing the sand hours a week for eight years, and I'm pretty sure that this was cool.

Holy shit, what did you just say? But Jacob was upset the most. Well, not the only one. You have to understand, Lou is an Ier like, oh, you have to, we're like a picture like you're on a date with a super model, always. That's how you have to behave. Yeah.

Well, can I, I mean, I'm gonna let everybody talk and then there is two sides to every story. That's true. Now we should clarify on what we're talking. Yeah, don't even know what we're talking about. Bobby cracked ass in the studio last week and it rocked Jacob in Black Hole. I didn't get you for some reason.

Right after Jay told a story about getting taken for a ride in Chicago. Yeah. Big, expensive cab ride. Yeah, we went to break, and these two are, Bobby and Jay are talking about it, and it start to smell so bad in here. Now, how did this smell strike you?

Was it out of nowhere or all of a sudden? It crept up on me to the point where it took me a second to rip. We, what's happening? Yeah, those are the same things I gave you. I was just seeing if you were thinking. Yeah, yeah. And then I had to leave the room. Now, what was the timing of this because we did?

It was exactly on outside. Was this in between the pre tape in the live show? This is in between segments. No, we were live. We're all on the live show. Yes, we were coming out of a pre record where Bobby thought he was being audited because we perpetuated the idea that Emily was in here to see if he's fit to be in serious or not. Prepetuated the idea that Emily was in here to see if he's fit to be in serious or not. Mm-hmm. We was I mean It was a little nerve-racking coming in and having some woman a

Professional broad with a The pad and pen Yeah, having a broad with a pat and a pen Hey, what are you writing down your secrets? I thought the whole good thing about a game was let you cut them in ahead Hey, it's tail. Yeah, it's tail. I want to have her pot in a pan and a head. I mean, I'd be okay with it What are you doing shoes on out of the kitchen? So cut some carrots into my right But you put a pen in her hand with a no-pad. She has thoughts

Emily was lovely She was just here to enjoy the show. However, we made Bobby believe that she was in a position of getting us in trouble. So Bobby was nervous. And then we finished the show, Emily Leaves, no one fills Bobby in on the fact that it's a good nervous talk. No, I kept it going actually.

Jacob really is Daniel DeLewis. He just lives the role. He lives it. And Bobby came over, he was like, God, dude, did Abraham Lincoln just tell me that that lady was here to all the people? My left foot over there. Don't be that.

I'm fucking, that that lady is a fucking, is she in a position to power you? Yeah. So I was nervous. You were nervous. Now we can incorporate your story into the overall narrative.

I just want to say, I, the hours, I look, I appreciate you guys, hey, want to come in? Yeah, I love it. I love coming in here. You guys are so much fun. Everybody is so much fun, but my, um, everybody eats at certain times. Yes, yes, you're right. The schedules were sinking still.

And my schedule was a little off that day because of I had to quickly have a protein shake. Yeah, I bring protein shakes with me because of my You know my operation my thing that I got done. Yeah, so I have them in my things So if I can't eat and I forget to eat because of these so I had a protein shake and what happens with the protein shake It really turns those tell me into a fucking problem. Yeah, especially when you have like beef stew, the day the day before I had beef stew. Yeah, this is, this is a, this is a perfect encounter. And I didn't understand like my stomach, I always know when my stomach's a little upset and I

could take care of it. This hit me immediately. Now I was here in the studio. We're going. And I said, I'm gonna see what this is. I was just sending out a little, yeah. Let me see what this is. Yeah. I was a test spray in the store. It was good. It did the swatch. yeah, you got a swatches shit. Yeah, I see how bad your buttholes see if it was and what happened was I went I wanted a little little little dog fart, but what happened was it was more it was a little more than that It was it was very unpredictable and it was more It was a But yeah, you let it out you let the genie out the bottle. What it happened? Ain't no three wishes. Yes, somebody from my soul three times. Alica's am. Alica's am. Hey, what's up? Hey, it's me, your genie,

Shaq. Alright, it's me, Shaq. I'm gonna grant you three wishes, but I'll smell like do do. So, so I, I was standing up at the time. And it would. And when it happened, I went, Oh went oh no like in my head like oh no and I immediately said you have to say something right now or or Maybe it's not maybe it's not going to be bad like it maybe So what I did was is I I took a couple seconds. Yeah. And I looked around and... No one reacted. Nobody reacted.

He didn't see me leave the room. Wait a second. Then I saw Jacob look up like he just... Like a deer hearing something crinkle in the distance. Jacob looked up like he heard a noise. It was not... It's true. It was actually audio. He looked up like... Like a noise. Like it was not, it was actually audio. Here.

He looked up like, like, is that a train coming? Like, I think a train, did you guys hear the train coming? He looked up, he looked around quickly and then left. He left. And did you, Jacob, did you, when it struck you in that moment? Yeah. Were you like, this is a fart and this is a smell I've never encountered

Bobby Kelly's great. I know what happened and I know who did it. You knew exactly who did it I think it's only fair because he came all this way black Lou joy to make your victim impact statement What he said after the show was even worse. Yeah, it really offends me Bobby. It's air from inside your asshole. That's in my lungs now That is true. That is a very that's a very succinct way to explain what a fart does to you. It's part of you now I mean, I feel like Bobby you long-raped black. Lou You you know before you guys judge this right now black You long-raped black luke. Not racial. You, it is. Before you guys judge this right now, black luke is then killed by a fart.

Christine, as the jury, and DJ Luke, you guys close your eyes for one second? I want you to imagine a world right now. It's a summer day. Where black man comes to work and has to deal with so much shit during his day and then all the sun gets splasted in the face with just a cough of air filled with the most putrid smells while he's at work. Now I want you to picture black Lewis White. Yeah, Bob, you're in trouble. Yeah, I'm June. Yeah. Bobby, you're in trouble.

Yeah. Yeah. There is a time to kill. The worst speech in a movie ever. John Grisham-Neil. That speech made, that's the most offensive speech in movie history. Yeah, man, she's right. Can I say something?

I'll take the blame, but I blame Lou and Jacob. Oh, victim blaming. What were they wearing? Did they wear that? Why? You guys are addressing, you're reading a part. But you're coming dressing here, like I'm not gonna do your face.

You guys are dressed to eat a fart. Yeah, so Bobby, but here's the thing. What, can I just say? Why, Dan? Sure. I'm not done with what I'm going to tell you. But now, as you can go ahead, you can, what would you like to say?

The security going to come in. Just keep talking, Bobby. Yeah, you go to H.I. Yeah, just keep going, guys. Guys, I do need you to just talk to your story. It goes, Christine, how are we looking at operations? Shazam, are your story goes Christine. How are we looking? Operation shazam. Are we close to it? How are we looking out there? Hey, I give you a kelp run at sign. Hey Christine was tap on the little more. It's more as cold.

Yeah, keep saying kill me over and over again. That's how I was. Mayday. I'm just gonna say that when I did it, it was an accident. It was, yeah. And I mean, that's, that's called second degree, that's manslaughter. I didn't know it wasn't. Your awning fell and crushed those kids. Sure.

It wasn't supposed to be that. And then when it became, Well, the Vietnam War was supposed to be there, God damn it, your grandmas. It's going to skirmish at first. Here's supposed to be us just liberating a bunch of goddamn commies.

A dust up I believe it was called. It wasn't supposed to be that then when it became, when it became, when it became that, right? Nobody said anything. Like nobody, everybody didn't react. Okay, Jacob left and I knew I was like, but he left and when they were, didn't say anything so I'm like,

maybe he had to make a phone call. He did go out and, and Loon said, I forgot to make a phone call. Okay. Yeah, he went out in the hallway and punched the wall and then I grabbed the place. So nope.

Ah! I'll never be the same. I'll never see any of my birds in Florida. So if they had one of them said, oh my God, I would have been like, I'm so sorry. I made a mistake. Did you, did you, did you, did you, did you think you got away with it? That's my question to you, Zodiac Farner. I didn't think I thought that it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. Okay. You smelled it or you didn't smell it. I smelled it a little but not it's

his own brand. It wasn't it wasn't a smell. It was the heat in which it came out. I was like I think that's not good. Bobby can I tell you something right now with someone that is knows that it's nose blind. Yeah, I know for a fact when my fart sting my butt. Yeah with heat Yeah, people are in trouble. Yeah, I just I I fart all the time. I think it's hilarious as we all know I can't smell really zero effect I am having a really really hard time getting used to Christine Christine just schedule now like she's asleep by like 11 o'clock at night. Shout out dude getting older rules sucks such dick. Oh my god. You know, I love waking up at it.

No. But then she's so she's waking she's waking no way. She's waking up before me. And that's not a thing I'm used to at all. And so, to this morning, for the second time in like two, three weeks maybe, I was just laying there and just cooked what, I mean, I spread cheek. I tilked it up. Yeah, and it was, I knew it was gonna be like, Puh!

Yeah. And I told you, I always do the old castle door whenever I fart like, I'm in front of Katie, I go, good evening. Yeah. Because it's definitely gonna open an old fucking door. Castle door whenever I fight like that front of Katie I go good evening But and then I just but as soon as the last squeak if it comes out It just dawns on me the Christine's probably awake and then I jump up on all fours like a fucking dog who heard thunder And then I look over Christine. She's she just looks like she says the blank face.

She wasn't even like ew, she was like, hey, and I was like, that's gonna be terrible. And she goes, yeah, I'm getting out. That's so funny. I'm bad. And then when she got out, I was like, I'm gonna get out of here too. And I flipped the covers back and it was a whole second batch was under their weight. Dodge oven. Well, you're asking why we didn't say anything and I can't

speak for a little bit. I'll say this. I love having on the show, but I feel like we're still getting to know each other. So I didn't know where I stood. I couldn't I didn't feel comfortable saying how dare you. Well, I don't want to put all the responsibility on you, Jacob or you, Lou, I take all I take most of it. And that's what's, I can't ask you what's what's most of this means because it was your air from your asshole. But I think I think as I think as friends, as you become friends, and you have to have, you can't, it's not always happy. I agree. It's not always happy. I agree. It's not always happy. You know, every, every you can't it's not always happy I agree it's not always happy

I agree it's not always happy every every dinner can't be dessert and when you fake it when you fake that hey And then all of a sudden it's gonna come Trump Trump Crumbling down we get it. We're trying we're trying to come trumbling down We're good. All right, you bought the NFTs The santicon trauma. We got it, dude. It's gonna, look at me. We have to be building a foundation, you know what I mean?

And when you build the foundation, you have to be real with each other. And I made a mistake. And I have to be called out by my, you know, my new friends to be like, hey man, what the hell? And I would have been like, I'm so sorry. But what they did is they, Bobby, the smell was still too pungent to open my mouth. What the hell and I would have been like I'm so sorry, but what they did is they probably

The smell was still too pungent to open my mouth. I didn't want the smell in my mouth damn You know I didn't take that It's gonna touch a baby to go home to yeah, you have a child and one on the way I don't know. We know what's that gonna do that can't be good for the health of the the baby The people like black looking in the good of the the baby to be born black look You're in the good like the Mike Tyson you like a kids look at my face There's balls butts in my beard now. I gotta see my children. Here's why what you're saying rings hollow to me right now Damn dude go girl go off coin I want to get that as a tattoo. I'm gonna say that at the end of my shows.

The thing that has, what a good preview for Thursday. I hope none of this room, room to hollow to you guys. My favorite quote, and I use Jacob's quote all the time is, can you do anything, something that resembles anything? Do something resembling anything. But Jacob, you were saying it rings hollow? Because of what I was told after you left

this vacuum sealed room. Yeah. Christine said yet he came he went into the elevator with Jay and I and and farted. She almost she almost talked it out of him again. Because you could have done it in the whole. Yeah, we were bringing up that the fart happened in here. And Bobby was telling me in the elevator. He was like, oh, man, I was kind of hoping no one caught a, yeah, damn, it was bad, huh? And he was like, and then he just goes, and he's moved a little bit.

He's like a rough stomach day. And he moved a little bit and he goes, he was, oh, it just happened again. I'm sorry. And then he stepped away. And then Christine was laughing. She was like, I don't smell it. And then she goes, oh, I do now. And then she covered her face for a while.

Can I say something else? Yeah. You can say it. And again, again, you guys are right. I'm sorry. Lou, I'm sorry I might have hurt your family. Okay. I'm sorry I hurt your dignity.

Me and you might be meant to be as a couple, Bobby, because you're pheromones. Some about it. I didn't catch the elevator one. Yeah. I didn't catch the one here. That's like what they say when you're in. For steam is still coughing it when we got home.

I'm not, I'm not, I'm not used to my new stomach. Yeah. And sometimes. That's, yeah, if you do anything, the little too much. Anything, anything off or anything in weird stuff. I get I Get gassy well turns out you fart like some still big, but sometimes it's not Turns out that weight turns out that weight stayed in those parts Sometimes that might have been five pounds of fart you got

You are actually you are physically dropping weight when you're words ring hollow your fart's how dense they are. You are actually, you are physically dropping weight. When you're words ring hollow, you're farce ring dense. Yeah. That was a mistake. And when I, when I, I, it was like, hey man, I, oh my God, I realized that it was real. Like you guys felt it.

I felt terrible. Yeah. I felt terrible. Bobby. And I, and I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I and I and I waited for you're a monster. I apologize. I texted you I didn't have your number and I didn't know you were refuses to have black people in this context. I didn't have your number It says it brings down the property value. Dan You of all people should have defended

Robert Kelly here harder as a public farner as you are. I publicly fart all the time. It's hilarious. It's one of my favorite bits. It's, Dan, I can't believe it. And I've said this a lot of my thing. It's a lot of show. Dan, I'm a gassy boy. Josh Adam Myers.

All these guys are so willing to rip ass in front of Christine. Yeah, because Christine is your girlfriend. I wouldn't, I wouldn't fart in front of my aunt. I wouldn't fart in front of Katie. Well, let me tell you something right now. If you did eight years of a radio show with Katie, I bet you would. I bet you'd fart in front of her. I bet you'd be comfortable. Yeah. Well, then that's something you got to fix. Christine, can you take it? I know, Jason, actually, I take that back. Jason's very comfortable farting in front of me, but he's like not farting in front of me. Well, you guys true. Christine told me she,

Christine told me she really didn't like it a few years back when we lived in our old place Even and I I really don't fart in front of you now there's sleeping ones. I fuck up for sure But Christine cracks rats in her sleep Time I'm sleeping it doesn't count long beefers. I've seen the dog move Just a funny or then a dog being alerted, but either by someone's fart or by its own fart. One time, Mertle was sitting down on the hardwood floor and she farted and it vibrated.

Her ass hole was right on the floor. I went, I remember Calbee, my little sitting tiger. Sweet Calbee. Sleepin' on the pillow next to me and his little dog ass hole was right my eye. And he farted and it opened up. He went like that and I started his little asshole opened up. My favorite dog shit moment with Kelbee and Deva was when I shit my pants at your house and I kicked the dog gate off the bottom of the stairs at the Hell's Kitchen apartment.

And then I was just sitting on your toilet, shitting with shit in my underwear. Like I was looking at the shit in my underwear and Kelby and Deaver just both there and I go, please leave me alone right now. And I was like, this is two little dogs and I'm like, so failed, I had to take my pants off and put my underwear in the garbage. And it's such a vivid picture of something

that I know for a fact, I can even tell you where I've looked at that same thing. Because shitting your pants, when you go to immediately jump on the toilet to finish up the thing, that, it's staring back at you. Five, six minutes of staring at your muck and your underwear is the worst.

And I had a softball amount of shit in my underwear. Oh. So I had to say, you have to like take, you have to like, take my pants around your socks. And you had that trash can next to your Trash can you just go back? No, there was in a there was a bag. There's a plastic bag in the trash can

What did you put that and then I went actually what I did is I buried I buried it in your inside house plants You're all like a dead body I put it in the pictures of your old grandpa a smashed like a dead body. I put it in the pictures of your old grandpa. I smashed it in the photo. He was well. I actually made bread with it. I put it under. Don't sign the video. You would happen to know that I actually was friends with a voodoo priest and I turned it into a tormentor. I put it in your freezer. So I shit and then I picked up and then I remember when I shit, obviously it was all over the cheeks. It's all over your boy's cheeks. That little peepee came out. Was it hard and it was like chicken pot pie? It was frosty. It was a frosty substance.

And so, yeah, so I shit, I take my underwear off, I put it in the trash can next to it. I get the dogs out of the bathroom, shut the fucking door, get in the shower, wash my cheeks off, wash the clean up, I cleaned everything up, put on new underwear and paint. It went down the drain. Oh yeah. Did you have a clean up? I didn't have any chunks of poop, I just had like light poop spray on my cheek.

So I cleaned it off, cleaned the shower, cleaned the toilet, grabbed the trash, walked Kelbee and Diva picked up there picked up their poop put it in with my poop and Then I put it in a trash can We were you house sitting you okay? Dog sitting for Bobby and I was I was sick. I had strep throat They put me on a moxasillin and I was taking a moxasillin and I was at the I'll make you Shit well, I was eat I had a moxasillin and then I was at the seller and I was eating wings and drinking Budwizers.

And the bartender was like, oh, hey, I poured this blue. You have to mention a moxasillin at that point. But the bartender was, by the way, I shouldn't have been drinking. I was on antibiotics. And the guy was like, hey, I poured a blue moon. No one wants it.

Do you want it? And I was like, I had to shit, but I did want to shit at the seller and I was like I'm gonna have to shit think I said it's a free beer and I went I write and I fucking slammed it And then I got a cab and I was like oh Oh, it's happening and I was going up the Bobby's apartment up on 47th and I was like oh It's and then I got to it. there was a keypad to get into the door. I told you this story. I keep had in the door.

I go on lock Bobby's front door. His dogs are downstairs. That's what the bathroom is. Are you doing the, are you able to move fast or are you moving? I know it. That's the worst when you have to keep Frankenstein legs. So I should have. I had to Frankenstein leg in the cab all the way home.

But then I get home, but then I get home and I feel, I get the bodies and I feel like oh it's up in my stomach I'm fine and I do the key but my I got butt humidity so I know it's there Dan has no ass cheeks to hold the shit in That's exactly true because what happens is two pieces of paper trying to stop an avalanche He had it I opened the fucking door to Bobby's in the second I put my leg down on a spiral staircase I just started shitting my pants I opened the fucking door to Bobby's, and the second I put my leg down on a spiral staircase, I just started shitting my pants. And then I go down the spiral staircase while I'm pooping on my pants, going,

no, no, no, no, no, I just boot the dog thing. Kick my dog? No. I kicked the dog. I just threw it. You know, the thing that is in front of the stairs? The doggy door. The doggy door, I booted onto your bed,

and then Kelby and Dever are like, just this guy's on, I was like, good on her. And then I went into your bathroom and I pulled my underwear down and just finished. And was like, I felt like Harry and Dumb and Dumber. I was like, oh, it is funny. When you do get a fit,

even though you're staring at your own shit, there is something about sitting on the bowl where you're like, well, this is the beginning of the solution. Yeah, we're, things are turning around. So you're like, okay, all right. is the beginning of the solution. Yeah, we're thinking of you're doing right. Okay, everything else is in the past now, and we are here. That was quite the week at Bobby's house. I had a lady over, and you got mad at me.

Well, you had, it was actually a lady. A lady. She had like a older lady. Yeah, she had health insurance. She put her older broad back to that. Yeah, probably because she was judging the architecture. Yeah, she was a smart lady. She was my Haroldoan to build it like this.

Bobby passed. Bobby, she was a handsome woman. But the Rosa, she was at the house and the Rosa snuck in because you told him to scare me, because he had a key. And the girl goes, I swear to God there's someone upstairs because we were gonna take a shower and I was like There's no one here. He's in a room. Did you just meet her? No, I know that we drink and buddies at the So just say like let's take a show. I don't I've never we had sex

Okay, and then we were like take a shower Let's take a shower and she had been like a to roast a scarier. She has a heart attack She had been like a to roast a scarcer. She has a heart attack Where the body? He's got a throw off he's gonna put a tablet under a tug of We have this bitch get my I go Need you to hit my life alert But I go dr. Leibowitz and tell him it's Martha Martha's down Martha I go Dr. Liebowitz and tell him it's Martha Martha's down Martha

I go upstairs in Deroza. It's winner Deroza's in his winner coat looking like nose for author He's just up there and he's like And I was like doing down he goes what's that and he goes like what's up dude? I go to I'm like I have a towel around me like to them down there with a girl and he goes oh Dude I'm I have a towel around me like to them down there with a girl and he goes oh I got a girl downstairs lock on all that stuff is going on. I just beat Arkham asylum I just kicked the door gate. I just got a dog gate. That was wild. Yeah, that was a fun week Yeah, I got to stay at your house the week of the Caroline's Christmas party So I got blackout drunk and then I just had to walk a couple blocks. It's a bad park was great

I was I walk by it the other day. Yeah, it was how great was that? I mean, as a... The two floor? Yeah, with the spiral staircase, the shower, with the five shower... Shower fucking rules. I'm... I banged in there.

You had to have somebody watch the dog. I'm very worried about... Shout out all day. I almost like the dog. Oh, damn. I like the dog being dropped off somewhere else if we go away more than having somebody come over. I do now too.

Stay in Washington, because I really, I don't want no one less than my stuff. Well, just like you said, it's just the basic thing of like, don't fuck up my stuff. Yeah, it's just, I'm so scared of Bobby. I don't want other people to fuck it like that. I was so scared of Bobby that the girl was like, let's go to the bed. I go, no. She's like, what? I go, I'm not fucking in that bed. Then she's like, well, then where do you want to

fuck? And I was like, couch? She was like, okay. I'm too old for a couch. She weird. I mean, come on, guys, she was in her early 30s you. She goes couch with my back. No way! Oh, can we put on my stories while you pound me? I like to read Little Mura can sleep. So finish quickly, will you? I'm dry. I thought my readers digest.

It's in my purse. Oh, look at that, the local news is on. I like reading small articles. But I was so, I was so I was the first time first off That was the week that I got to leave those comedies. That was the week I got to quit. Yeah, so I Been a homeless guys cheek off a bit of homeless wild week bottom MacBook There's my first laptop I ever owned hell yeah, so you know smacked it on Bobby's couch Christine did you ever wait a minute, wait a minute, what? I bought a MacBook,

because that was right when I got the Guinness job. You jerked off on my couch? Yeah, you're just first place that jerked off on my old laptop. I swear to you, that's exactly what I'm doing. I fucked on it too, dude. And I, I, I tuted it in here by accident,

and I'm getting in this guy. My point is being, that's why Dan should have defended you harder. Yeah, Dan was drinking. Yeah, I had a problem. I had been to surgery. I remember talking. My stomach's, I had a problem. I had a problem with surgery. I remember talking. My stomach's the size of a banana.

I remember Bobby called me from Maruba, and he goes, did, and I go, Bobby, can I ask a question? Cause he had just quit smoking. I go, kind of smoke a cigarette in here, and you walk, I can hear you walk away from the dollar and you go, in the kitchen, but fucking run the fan on the stove, dude. No, you guys were doing renovations on your kitchen.

That's when the Russian guys were there. Yeah, and you go, yeah, if you throw on my blaming on the Russians. Yeah, if you fuck it's about, I'll blame it on the fucking Russian. Yeah, the Russian guys would come in, and they would change in the kitchen, into the workloads, but they had like,

Louis Vuitton bikini underwear. It was fucking crazy. And then we come home one day The dude we came home one day and the dude goes We take wild down the kitchen we find safe Oh, yeah, I was doing you know what did you when you fucking yeah, I go what do you mean he goes safe in the water the safe and I go There was a safe he goes yeah, and the wall I go what was in mean he goes safe in the water the safe and I go there was a safe he goes yeah in the war I go what was in it he goes nothing What he broke it open they opened the safe. I go there was nothing in the safe nope not that I can tell you

He went I knew his likes he went nope He's not no way Jose definitely not seal these that I can cash in Ah yeah dude it was a just a certainly the kind of money that you make work for you No way, Jose. Definitely not CODs that I can cash in. Yeah, dude, it was just a... Certainly the kind of money that you make work for you. Yeah, well, am I going to tell you that I found national treasure? Probably not. And they found a safe,

so we had the back in the 70s, they covered up all the exposed brick with the drywall. Drywall, that was like the thing. And then the exposed brick came back in so we were like rip it all down with a beautiful brick and there was a safe in the wall. I guess from the family that used to live in that was their thing and it was locked and this cocksucker used a hammer and smashed it open and didn't tell you what was in there there was definitely stuck in there dude a hundred percent there was something a hundred percent there was

something yeah a note yeah so my dearest mavelin yeah that's fine you well yeah that was a very fun thing but Bobby was like I'm going to a rubit did I need you to watch the dogs and I was like hell yeah I'll stay in the city away from my fucking well, did you Christine? Did you have a house? I know you said after school people would come to your place To hang out because your parent your dad wasn't around. Mm-hmm. Did you did friends come over? Would you like let friends fuck at your house? Yes, my friends could fuck at my house is not my mom's room. Yes I Fucked at friends houses, but I would have never. They'd fucking my motor home,

and they'd fucking my room. I would have to do my room. If I was my parents room all over the house. The one thing I made sure of, because my mom was a neat freak, I was like, do not go in my mom's room. Like I always shut that door, and was like, you go in there,

that's gonna fucking cost me having people over. And I ain't doing that. I would rather have you fucking my bed than jerk off of my couch. I caught the cum. I didn't let it go, fuck you. Yeah, catch my cum, dude. No, you can't catch all the cum.

Maybe you fucking, will you pop? What are you Harry Potter? You can't catch me. I don't let it fucking fly around. That's wild. You cap it. Yeah, cap it, dude. Cap it with what?

Like fucking tissue. Dude, you've never truly come. Yeah, I've let it fly. When I did that British chick, she tricked me off one time and just let it fuck her. Shit. What the fuck? Loaded out?

Top shell. That's going on the TV. Yeah, I'm fussing that's like that. It's cool. My house you capped it. Yeah, I was afraid of you. We were friends, but I was. You weren't too afraid to put your naked ass on his couch.

No, I wasn't, dude, but it was better than his bed. In my mind, it was better than the bed. Did you wear the fuck that elderly lady before the sun went down? That old bar fly, really fucking struck me on that night where she was like, I got nothing to do. And I was like, I'm watching a house close by. How did you get me out? How did you get to death this viral staircase? was like I got nothing to do and I was like a mortgain house close by. I'm gonna get them.

How did you get to death this spiral staircase? What I walked her slowly. Oh yeah, you have to walk in front of her for sure. And she's assumed she's gonna follow me. Follow me. Follow me. One more, one more. To the rows of hiding upstairs and maybe being like,

there's no one. Oh my god. And he's like, he's just by the end of that. You're sorry. Was he just waiting up there for you to walk out? And he did the Joe left, we just, I was gonna scare you. And he was laughing, he was bobby told me

to come by and scare you. And I was like, dude, I'm telling you I was a woman. And he went, a woman? No, he was just like, what? And I was like, you gotta get out of here. Why were you whispering? She couldn't hear you. Yeah, you're right.

Do you pour the rose? Are you gone? Do you remember, theeroza, when we did the presidential election for Lucian Skanks? Yeah, one of the best summer things of all time. And Deroza was gonna run like the quietly R.E. was gonna make his running mate Deroza. And he had to announce it that night.

So Joe got there, because it was supposed to be a noi Lewis, basically. Yeah. Is what it would have done. So DeRose got to the stand three hours before Skank started. Waiting because he thought it started earlier. Then when we started, he was hiding, crouch down underneath the bar upstairs.

Yeah. For like 45 minutes, waiting for us because he thought it was gonna be announced sooner. And then he pops out when Ari makes an announcement that this is running partner. And Joe comes out and does like a, Fuck you, I know. A fuck you walk. Yeah, I get fuck you, fuck you,

I'm running in this election. It's me and Ari now. And then Ari just goes, actually, Joe, I just thought it would be funny to have you do through all that. And then tell you that I'm actually picking Shane Gillis. This is my running mate. So Joe did all of that to be on the show.

And then Ari turned on. He was on the show for a minute. And then Ari goes section Shane Gillis and everyone went quarrying. And then Joe just had to sit there and be like, fuck you guys. Oh shit, that was so funny. For Joe.

Bobby, I'm sorry I didn't take it back more. I just think that, again, let me just say this, I'm sorry to you and I'm sorry to everybody in here. I'm sorry to you. I'm sorry that you, I got that in your lungs. And you know what? Whatever it was. It's a learning process when it comes to your friendships,

when it comes to your stomach and when it comes to your butthole. I made a mistake. I made a mistake and I I should have said something Immediately and said hey guys whoops whoopsie and Subsiditals would have specifies but today when it when it something happened I felt a little something What I do you went out the hallway and it wasn't even the thing like I was like this is I don't I could have said This isn't anything because I knew it was nothing, but I'm like you know what just in case I don't want I don't want to affect these people that have been so kind to me

It's so nice to run next door I'm poison Mark Goodman on ease on eight Because that's that's Durand Iran with hungry like the Hungry like a oh god hungry like the what the hell this It's getting cloudy. I was like goddamn napalm Hungry like the what the hell this is getting cloudy. I was like goddamn napalm You did today is that's what friendships are built on that is and what you did today by forgiving me both you no I Look into your heart right now, and I see truth. I see that you mean it. I do and I and we're good I do miss thank you Jacob. Thank you guys

Respect break and let's come back. There's so much love in the room. Good fart. I wouldn't even smell it. It's the love is too thick. You jerked up on my couch. I know, and I fucked on it. You fucked on the couch? Oh, yeah. Yeah, so you said you fucked on the couch and... I said you fucked during the shower.

I both gave her a good I gave her a good Roll-Dring how long were you there about a week? It's so much stuff. It's so much smoke inside. Yeah, you used your Dino grashing into a Guinness fucking dark bottle I was playing fucking Arkham asylum on my place You brought me pretty games everything on my playstation. You probably really games everything. I mean, on my Xbox. I brought my Xbox here.

You put your Xbox over? Yeah, that's so great. Bobby's already had an Xbox. He had the setup already. All they do is plug mine in. Just plug this out. You know? God damn it, that's funny.

Can't believe you did all that in my house. It was the best, dude. And I got to quit my restaurant job. I don't, I hate the idea of that I got furious at friends before when they've like fucked in my house. I'm pretty mad. Let's go Especially if I'm home like they come over. That's crazy. Dude. That was the funniest dude You being a woman that fighting is fucking in the moon. That's lunacy. I forgive It was the Rosa or somebody who came over or warning your friends

It was the Or Kurt or somebody whoever it was it was this girl who used to like fucking Bang everybody Steven Scott girl story and I think I said I was like hey don't like You know I try to stay up late because I'm like if I go to bed, dude This chick just starts fucking people just starts fucking people. It's crazy. She's like a girlfriend. Yeah, what is your friendy gruever?

One, two, the sluts coming for you. Two, three, four. She's such a whore. Five, six. She's got a sucky a dick. Yeah. Jason, don't fall asleep. Seven, eight. No need to masturbate. What's wrong, big guy?

Don't want me to suck your cock. No, it's not. It's just gonna blow your friend. I'm gonna give you a sip, sloppy knobby. Hey, you're cum smellin' a little sweet, stranger. Somebody must have pineapple juice. Oh, hey, I'm gonna start calling you dough pineapple. Cause you're cum is sweet. No! I mean... Hey, I'm gonna start calling you dope pineapple because your comment sweet

Don't hey, let me know what you're gonna pop Dude you have to if you don't stay awake the whole time if if there's a guy awake in the house You don't stay awake the whole time. If there's a guy awake in the house, she was gonna fuck it. To Deroza's when we before that Deroza didn't want to like hook up with her anymore. And he went to bed when I, and he said, when we all went to bed, it was just her alone in the living room that she went and went in his room

and was like, and she came in and just like sucked his dick. Yeah. He's no good out of here. Get out of here, she goes, I love that your body motion's all together. Oh, you're like a skin like. Oh no, there's no any bitch. God, I was so fucked. And when the time was like, what was it, Kurt? I asked Kurt asked her to go Kurt. Can you please not fuck her on the couch?

I mean he was like and the next morning he was like, oh, he did Like dude, please I think I said to her too. I'm like, hey, I already said it's the Kurt don't fuck on the couch And she was like I wouldn't fuck Kurt if it was the last you know, whatever That's a day. They used to date at one point She's I wouldn't fuck her if it was the blah blah blah know, whatever. I thought he needs to date at one point. I wouldn't fuck Kurt if it was the blah, blah, blah. And it's like, they fucked completely.

Like, bang on the couch, bang on the couch. Let's, I tell you the matter, when I had my roommates fucked on the couch. Oh, yeah, I remember that. Well, my roommate and a guy, she just brought over a fucking on the couch and I was furious. That was when he had the baby.

Yeah, but we came back from like, failure or something and then I was furious and I threw the guy out of the house. And he's a fan, right? Yeah, I said, yeah, I go, I go get the fuck out of here, dude. Get out of here. I was in his face and shoving him out the door and when he got to the second level of Stair's going down, he looked up and he goes, I'm a big fan of your comedy. I love what you do.

I love what you do. You ran out like Rocky to Mickey. Yeah. Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hey man, wait a second. Come on. Anyways, tell me about your fights. Hey, thanks for listening.

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