The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Drag Queen Banter

Episode Date: February 27, 2024

Bobby's Miami vacation leads to drag queens and natural juices!

I'm Bobby Kelly and it's Big J. O'Kersen. We're actually a full radio show on Serious XM, not just a podcast. For full episodes of The Bonfire, you can listen on the Serious XM app. Go to seriesxm.com.com for a special offer. And now the Bonfire with Big J. O'Kersen and Robert Kelly. Oh, yeah. Welcome back. If Cypress Odo doesn't make you want to smoke pot, nothing will.

Makes me want to crank one out. Cypress Hill? Yeah. Why? Does it make you think of Latina mommies? Oh dude, let me tell you something. We went, you know, we went on the vacation there. Mm-hmm.

Family. Not me either, worked straight through. Well, when I take a vacation, I just become local Bob. Yeah, that's great. I don't do anything. I don't connect to anything. I'm just dad and whatever Don considers me. That's what I think.

I don't know. I think companion. It's more of a gay relationship at this point. To me and Christina, I have a gay relationship. Yeah, yeah, it's, but we, I met, I went to LA. It was fucking awesome, by the way. I had such a good time at the comedy store. The improv too, they were so sweet to me.

They gave me spots right away. I never ever got respect in LA. When I lived there, it just didn't happen. I never held it against them. I'm a seller guy, I came back, I play the seller, right? But the comedy store was so great to me and put me on the shows and then I had such a good time, man, hanging out at the store, it was such a good time man. Hanging out at the store it was such a fucking

fun time. Calta was there, I hung out with Ellis was there, Santino I did his podcast, Santino is probably one of my favorite people on the planet. Funny guy. He is so fun to hang out with and such a guy guy. Like I love how much he's a man. Court Macau it was just a great weekend in weekend in LA, but then I met, uh, Max and Dawn in Miami at South Beach. Miami airports, I gotta say this too, is the worst fucking airport on planet earth. Why? Cause there's constantly people walking around with machine guns. Cause it's a major

drug port. It's, it's fucking terrible. Like they haven't updated it in 40 years. It's disgusting. I landed at eight o'clock. I didn't get out of the airport and to the hotel, which is 15 minutes away from the airport, till 10.45. 10.45. You have to walk seven miles to get to a tram,

to get to the rent a car place. And then I had to drive back into the airport to pick up Don and Max, because they were on a flight after me, excuse me for my baby stomach, it's okay. Going off. And I got into the traffic jam for around 40 minutes,

going back into the airport. I was losing my mind, but we finally picked them up, we get in the car, go to the hotel, South Beach, hanging out with them on South Beach. They had a blast. Dude. It was so fun. I mean South Beach was a little much at 1130 South Beach was max is like The max have Wendy Williams eyes looking all the ass and tit hanging out. I had to explain a few things to him You're not allowed to just grab pussies despite what your president tells you. Yeah

We were walking by these two dudes and they were just like to me and max you want a key my eight ball I was like a key. I was like, dude. I don't have that much money I was like, I love keys and I love eight balls me. I love pool. I had I literally I do it I'm with my son and he went. Oh, sorry. I'll ask him Son, do you want a key he's asking for cocaine in front of my wife and ten year old not even a problem but almost is that why maxi you had no balls today my dad wouldn't even buy a key of coke in front of me this guy nerd we always run through the same problem I know if

you do it when we go somewhere I don't go anywhere I don't go anywhere. You don't go anywhere? No. You know vacation? No. I was there. I was there. I get it. I used to be there. I didn't go on vacation either, but now I do vacations. That's good.

We go through this thing where we'll get to the place and she's like, all right, I'll go, where do you want to go to eat? And she's like, let's try this place. My friend told me about it. So we go there, closed. All right, where are we going now? I don't care, where do you want to go to eat? I should be like, well let's try this place. My friend told me about it. So we go there, closed. All right, where are we going now? I don't care, where do you want to go?

Let's go over here. 15 minutes, they're close. So as we're going to all these places. The next one's closing. Everyone's closing. So now we wind up, there's nowhere to fucking eat. And I'm, everybody's hungry. Everybody's fear, and it's all her fault.

Sounds like time for a fish filet sandwich. I'll throw up. And the response I got about the fish filet sandwich is infuriating the amount of people that back you up. Of course, it's delicious fish sandwich. But I think it's like, I think it's like the people in America, they don't speak up, you know what I mean?

Like the people that speak up are the woke people who like the fish sandwich, the rest of us just kind of take it. You think they're woke because they like the fish sandwich? No. I know there's a lot of- Bobby, maybe you have a trash palette that doesn't understand fish. Maybe you don't like fish

because it's too trashy for your palate. You're saying the fish fillet is not fish, dude. It's a fish sandwich. It's garbage. No, how dare you. You don't put cheese on fish. Wild caught cod? It's not cod.

It's not even wild caught. I'm pretty sure they make it out of- Oh, haddock, wild caught haddock? They make it out of crab shells. Thank you, Christine. I don't know if you could tell, but that was Christine being horny for the haddock. Mm-hmm.

Isn't that what you call her vagina? Haddock? Yeah, haddock. Mm. It's disgusting. Paige, you wash? Haddock? Yeah, haddock. Mm. It's disgusting. Hey, did you wash haddock tonight? Remember, we're sharing a bed. I hate cheese.

Cheese? Man-a's is fucking gross. What man-a's? There's no man-a's. I mean, tartar sauce and fish. It's tartar sauce. Yeah. No man-a's.

We'll be putting man-a's on it. What do you think tartar sauce is man-a's and pickles? Oh, it's not, though. It is. Oh, it's not. It's man-a's and pickles. There'says on it. What is it, tartar sauce? Tartar sauce is man-ays and pickles. Oh, it's not, though. It is. Oh, it's not. It's man-ays and pickles. There's more than that. What?

Not much? Not much? One, it's relish, not pickles. Which I know pickles, relish is pickles, but. No, relish are pickles. Droped up pickles. Sure. That's all relish is. No, it's not.

I mean, are we getting into food details? No, no, I think it's the cream of tartar, the stuff that actually makes the flavor of it. It's mayonnaise and pickles. Nope. What is it, what is it? Christine, look it up. I think it's mayonnaise base.

It's mayonnaise, mainly. Of course it is. What is it, mayonnaise? Mustard, lemon juice. Okay, so it's mayonnaise, mustard, which is fucking even grosser, and pickles. I love a tartar sauce with a clam, fried clam, fish, fried fish.

I don't want it with cheese and a sweet bun. You should have said no fish. I don't want it. Or it's no she's a no at cheese. I don't want it at all. It's not fish. It is fish. It's not.

I got it plain. It was all right plain. What's plain? I just got bread and fish. I don't want to get into this because it's driving me baddie That people think that the fish filet is a good sandwich. It's delicious. It's not a delicious sandwich It's not good for you. It's not good for earth. No, it's great great for earth It's disgusting. Would you rather get a quarter pound of cheese or a fish filet sandwich?

Depends. It's filet-o fish by the way. Yeah filet-o fish. Filet-o fish, all right? Oh fish filet-O-Fish, by the way. Filet-O-Fish. Filet-O-Fish, alright? How's that? Filet-O-Fish. Filet-O. Anyway, we wound up, what do they have the drag shows to, which is another thing Max was like... You went to one? No, we walked by it. Ew.

What? We walked by it and he was like, yo, dad, is that a dude? He's like, dad, I'm confused. He wasn't confused. Like, is that a dude? Why do I love the tits on this bearded guy? Hey, honey, you're walking with your son. I'd rather get it costed.

I'd rather have a bee approached by a drug dealer all from ECO. Than getting my son scared by fucking, whatever, you know, they always have dumb names. Jacques Winick. Yeah. Fuck Steen Dolores. Hi honey.

I'm fat and bodacious. What are you looking at? My weird hair and makeup. I didn't have time to shave my thighs. Yes, just because I couldn't make myself look fully like a girl or a guy doesn't mean you should stare Stop looking at my anchor tattoo. I was in the merchant marines when I was a young man Yeah, that's the place that's the place we walked by and

It was like a I think 11 something at night and they would just go nuts I'd have a lot of quiet things when they come over and start doing back go get the fuck away from me I'm trying to eat. I like it I like a drag show. Hell yeah. I don't mind a drag show. Pancakes and dude ass. You love it. I don't mind it. Yeah. He was like. Hey what do you have for brunch? I'll have the eggs Benny and I'll have a woman spinning around with her wiener flipping around everywhere. That would be killer. Could she also lip-sing a song I never liked when the normal person sings it? Like what? You spend me right around. I wish. It's not. It's never that. It's always fucking Disney shit or fucking just the dumbest

dance shit. Oh man, it sucks. Because it's 40 year old men trying to be young girls again. That's why. I will see you can get wrapped up in the moment though when I went that night before in Phoenix. Yeah. I got to stay in Blive the night early and I went to the club and the club was doing a drag night

and I watched and you get wrapped into the thing of like, I don't mean it, but I find myself, I drop, I have to drop all of my outward cynicism because outwardly you have to be like, they go, oh, this next one though, she's good. And I'm like, and then I have to look over and go, I mean, those splits. Am I right? She's doing up there. I call her she, she's doing the splits. I call it, yeah, I call it a she. I fell right into it, dude. I see how it is. Woke woke mob dude. I jumped right in I'm like this is actually beautiful and good for America

That's what I started doing max and don just elbow me just enough I know I like that she had this straightening out She had to go Bob stop telling this is awesome Dad you think I could wear a dress and show my wiener to people and make everyone laugh drag queen drag queen their mic stuff like this stuff that kill watching it kill in that room their shitty Mike banter was like why are we writing jokes why don't we try to be funny at all? They just say the dumbest Yeah, they Christine bring up drag queen Comedy fuck. I hate it, but they're not cheese J Hmm, they're not cheese them's you don't had no you don't call it. What do you call it Christine? Bitches What the drag queen is just a drag queen, right? Yeah, they're not trans it's a guy that

Dresses a gay man that gay man that does drag are they called sweet transvestites from old transsexual transylvania? Too much? That's too much. That's too much. Yeah, whatever happened to transvestite, transsexuals, what happened to those words? Are they just gone now? Damn. Transvestite is still around?

No. I think this transvestite's, yeah. I hope so. They sound like little monsters. But they're only at night. They only come out at night. Yeah, transvestite's, yeah. I hope so, they sound like little monsters. But they're only at night, they only come out at night. Yeah, transvestite. I'm here to suck your cock.

You remember, I remember when I was a kid, my sister, me and my sister after that, my stepfather who was abusive, my mom divorced him, we moved into like a two bedroom apartment. So me and my sister kind of split at that point. I kind of went my way and she went her way and she started hanging out with the Rocky Horror Picture Show crowd.

Jesus Christ. And they would go to the Rocky Horror thing all the time. I'll tell you what's cool about your sister though. I just found out without even having to say it. She was willing to fuck nerds and that's pretty cool. I don't think she fucked anybody. Because I feel like you were a cool guy always and I feel like your sister was down the fuck nerds and fats and good for her.

She didn't fuck any of them. They were all gay. No, but the ones that weren't gay. There was none. No, they were all gay. They were all gay. She didn't tell you. And they tried to fuck me. Ooh.

Why don't we try to bang me? Nice. Where? Mount your butt. Well, they had a house around the corner mm-hmm that they would party in and sing songs and do all the shit and practice their little routine it sounds like fun to you walk in and you just smell fucked ass one of the guys smells the salty air fucked ass one of the guys had a little sister who was a little like a year younger than me mm-hmm So my sister one day had to watch me so she brought me over there.

And I went over there and there was a room full of mattresses. Yes. And I went into the room full. But I'm like, you know, sixth grade, a room full of mattresses is like that's the original bouncy house. I was like, this is awesome. I didn't know there was just a bunch of guys getting duced in the cheese. Oh yeah.

You just fucking you were rolling around the come of a thousand Queens And I remember I was I was kind of bouncing around like this is fun and then the guy came in this mattress is still wet You're making jizz angels Remember the guy the guy came in and he's like I was lying down on the mattress And he lied down next to me but like on his he put his hand up holding his head up on his elbow He's like hey Bobby. Isn't this a fun room? I go. Yeah, why are all these mattresses here? We had a party here last night I'm like you had a party. What kind of party he's like an adult party I don't know if I can tell you and I got that vibe

Oh, this guy wants to eat my telling us. I can't tell you too much, but we put our penises in each other's butts. Oh my god, I don't think I can tell you anymore. Then I sucked off Steve for ten more minutes. But seriously, you shouldn't be hearing this, but I love telling you. My butt hole still itches. I don't know if it's old Dookie or old Com or what. Spit. Sing this with me, sweet transvestite.

From old transsexual. I just realized that RuPaul with wig off looks like Wendy Williams with wig off. They look the same. They do. When she took that wig off. I don't mind a little drag queen banter. You think it's cheesy? In its element, it's fine.

Right. You get wrapped up in the element, but then you realize it requires not that much talent to do, why do you have to work so hard? That looks like Artie Foucault. Yeah, he's too dark-skinned actually to look like Wendy Williams. Yeah, there's something about that because we were walking by and Max was like, why is that guy dressed like that dad?

And I'm like, no, it's a drag queen, Max. And he's like, well, why would he do that? I'm like, no, it's a drag queen, Max. And he's like, well, why would he do that? I'm like, well, it's, you know, it's fun, you know, it's not because, well, can we go to that? I'm like, well, I don't know if we can go to it right now, but it, you know, it's not that bad. He goes, yeah. Officially turned your boy gay.

Here's what happened. We did that sketch for Lewis. We did that sketch, if you recall. If anybody's gay, if you recall. If anybody's getting to me. Where Max was there. Max was there, part of it. And they were, James and Max had a lot of questions about the drag queen.

And Lewis, here's the other thing too. Having a young kid put you in the position you were in there too, Bobby, you're right. When I had my daughter, when she was like little and stuff, you had to say the right things all the time exactly because they're gonna go what's this weird thing and then you have to go no it's like it's like this is their art this is kind of like you know like you do your art they this is the art they do and they go up there and they sing and they dance and

as they dress like women and they do this whole you know it's you have to that now I mean Isabella, when she's 21, if we walk by a drag show, we'd both be like, look at those weirdos. Cause you don't have to be nice for her, she gets it now. So you can just go, hey, yai, yai. Look at this, why are they all fat?

That's the beauty of being a gay fat guy. You can just become a girl couple of times a week, go sing songs, everyone tells you you're fabulous. The fatter the better. That's true. If you're fat and you can do some sort of like a tumble sauce or something in front of these people and let your ball bag taped ball bag out. You can fit into a Laura Ingalls dress. I'm just fucking spin around in front of a bunch of tourists while they're eating their

fucking ham hocks. I like when the drag queens dress like women that are dressing like men. That's such a confusing thing. When they do half and half. Yeah. Victor Victor. Victor Victoria. Yeah.

Um, what's this? Christine drag queen comedy. This is no, this is actually comedy. This is them doing comedy though. I'm at the beginning of a show. You know what they'll play it. I bet this is also awful. I thought this was like there.

No, they do banter in the show. It's called reading, but now if you look that up because there's a bunch of drag queens reading to kids, it's all them like actually reading to kids. Which is disturbing. Yeah, you don't wanna do that. What's this? Turn it up.

My head, in the motel room, the John threw $40 on my tits and told me to get the out. Can I say something? This is why I love. Sorry, I started talking like them when I hear that.

This is why I like drag queens. Why? They don't even try. No. They don't even try. It's like, I'm Gary. You know what really sucks? They just take the gay volume

and go and just crank it up to 11. You have one of your garter snap off and kick your right in the beans. They go from you want coffee, I'll have a cup to God damn. Yes. Honey. What are you looking at? Honey. Look at you little jack in the box. Yeah, I'm looking at your freaky fucking clown makeup. You're on a train in the daytime. Look at this crazy hat. Being a drag queen must be the funnest gay ever.

Like regular gay guys just have to dress pristine. Is it just not gay guys who are just like, I just really love drag. Can I be the first? I wanna be the first just straight drag. I'm gonna be called a drag king. You're close. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm getting there. You're getting there. Hey honey. My hair's pink and my mittens are on. I die a little, I got all my mittens, I got my little outfits. I got a chain that goes to no. Oh my God, I'm gonna camel toe so hard.

I'm gonna pull that fucking thong right between my ball bag. So apparently this is the thing. You're gonna see beef on either side of that fucking thing. This person is straight, competed on RuPaul's Drag Race. No they're not. This is heterosexual.

No they're not though. No. Now look at him. No, that's a woman. That's a woman actually. That's a straight woman. That'sosexual. No, they're not. No, they're not, though. No. Now, look at them. No, that's a woman. That's a woman, actually. That's a straight woman. That's a straight woman. That's not fair. That's cheating.

Yeah, that's cheating. No, I just want to see them hosting a show. Do drag show host? That's what type in. This is the funnest gay of all gays. I think being drag queen gay. I think it's a lot of work. I don't think so.

I think it is. First of all, when they describe what they have to do to their dick and balls for these outfits is I don't want to do that what type it back tape it back. I don't I think they'll they get lazy I don't not the good ones. Well, I mean on a Tuesday Are we talking like Alaska Thunderfuck or are we talking about just your run of the mill fucking? You know? Lily flowers that does some local bullshit show. Look, I dress up on weekends, but on Tuesday, I don't. You think she's tucking in on a Tuesday on the South Beach? No.

No. Unless she's wearing a bathing suit, though. Now we're back to tuck. For sure. I'm not gonna wear a bathing suit. I tape your penis to the... They're taping their penis. You tape your dick and balls back.

Yeah, you tape it back so it doesn't flop. How do you walk? How do you walk? How do you walk with your legs? Jamming it between your legs. No, no, no. It's tape, you tape it down. Yeah, you don't get hard and then tape it.

You tape the soft. I understand. All right, don't get. Yeah, but you don't wanna crush your balls in between your legs. That's what you're going, your balls and dick are being taped down. Yeah, you tape it down.

So it's a- I don't understand, where are you taping it down to? To your asshole. To your, like, towards your asshole. Yeah, you tape it back to your- That's what I'm saying. Your teeth. And now, isn't that extremely painful to walk

because you're crushing your nuts in between your legs? I think they stopped caring about their wiener feelings a long time ago. Yeah. I just never had to consider this before. I sent the video of the guy who tucked his balls in his asshole and then shit them out. And then farts it out. It's one of the greatest videos. I sent that to you, didn't I?

Everybody's seen that. Oh, you've never seen it? It's great. He slides into the picture and then farts out his own ball. It's... Slow mo. What? Bring out Christine. I'm gonna show, yeah.

Let Christine bring it, let Christine find it. It's one of the greatest videos I've sent. I thought I sent it to everybody. I thought I sent it to you guys. I'm finding a good video. We'll get the guy farting his own balls out. It's fantastic. That makes up for everything.

We wound up doing this. We went there and then I think, then we went to the Kennedy Space Center, dude. We went down to Cobo. You bought Max some dick tape. I bought him space dick tape. I like you get between. I like you get you get behind anything you want to do as a child.

I don't want to stifle his creativity, Max. If you want to be a drag queen, go for it. Dad, I can't right now. I'm drawing my eyebrows on eight inches above my eyes. We're never going to make it to the Kennedy Space Center Max. I took him, we went to the Cocoa Beach, right on the beach the first day there, we checked in, went out of the beach,

and the guys had looked down there and Cape Canaverals right there. Dude, a fucking rocket took off. One of Elon Musk's rocket. Really? It was one of the craziest things I've ever seen in my life. Did it explode with a teacher inside? No, that was a little bit terrible.

Boring. Boring. It shot up in the air. It was putting a satellite for, I forget, what country. Starlink. They were putting this up in the air for whatever what country was it I don't know he's doing it for another country. He launches satellites for Starlink his own company thing goes up in the air You're watching a rocket going to space and then it comes back down The it was like there it is right there

I think this is a little better than the rocket. It's so great. More impressive. More. Oh man, I wish I would have seen this on the beach. You can. You can. After eight o'clock when no one's on the beach, you go in the sand dunes, you can see a guy

shitting his balls out. Oh my gosh. Oh, slow motion is awful. I gotta tell you what. That is a long hang. Ball, dare I say, ball skins my favorite skin on the body Look how soft and just malleable that ball skin is They should make stuff out of ball skin. They really should I would love to have a shoulder bag made of ball skin

Yeah, that would be nice ball skin shoulder bag You should make like the bow the the string for bow and arrows out of ball skin Oh, yes, it'd be so not or more guitar strings. It's nice. It's got that good action on your fingers doesn't hurt Oh, they should make like bulletproof vests with ball skin. Just it would just absorb all the just take it Yeah, just catches it like a little cup That's the greatest thing ever this guy we're watching he goes into the bathroom and he shits out his balls I mean just the idea that you had to shove them up there that's how many takes though I know Christine I agree with you I'm upset that we didn't get to see the loading process to see that musket get filled up

you know I mean and then fucking you find the nearest Native American and plaga you can see the balls coming out though. Watch, right on his upper top, like boom, boom, ever top, you can see where they were. Little bumps coming, yeah, yeah, yeah. Little bumps coming, oh my god. Oh, his balls. Christina's now on her 17th watch.

First of all, this guy's got a monster hug. He's got a monster hug, but he's got fantastic nuts to do this trick. Fantastic nuts. Fantastic. Super hang, you have to. Yeah. Look at that drop. He couldn't have done that when he was younger. God, look at that trick. Fantastic nuts. Fantastic superhang. You have to. Yeah.

He couldn't have done that when he was younger. God, look at that drop. I know. So impressed. Women don't like big tics. But they love big balls that they can stick in their asshole. If Jay could do this, would you have him do this? I mean, I'd want to see it.

Yeah, live. You should try it tonight. If I could do it, I'd never stop doing it. I, but I don't think I can. I don't think I can. I think you could try. I don't think you can. I'll try on the road. I mean, balls are like not, they're like kind of soft.

Like how do you grab them into your butt? Well, you gotta get, you have to, I think you have to squeeze this in my thought. You have to squeeze the bag, like right around like one nut and really have like the, you need the density of that nut to get through the hole for sure. I think you have to do one at a time. Yes, for sure.

You should have taken, so you're saying take one nut, pinch it off. Squeeze at the bottom of it. So it's just, it's ball bag and ball like. And then you gotta musket that into your asshole. I think you have to get a lot of lube and you gotta just fucking push. You think you need lube? I do.

I think lube might work against you because it might shoot the ball out. I think you need the dryness of the asshole to keep it in. I know what you're saying, but I think when you get it in there, the hole organically will close on the thin other side of the ball bag. It will open and swallow it. But if I think though, if your ball has lube on it, then the asshole will have lube on it. Are you with me on this, Jacob? Then it will actually slide back out. No.

I think if you have a dry butt, just a regular ass juice is good enough. No. First of all, what's regular ass juice? First of all, what's that? I've never heard of that. You have a self lubricating asshole. Yes, that's crazy Everybody does no I can teach you no I can teach you how to get it Don't don't teach me that I can teach you how to get it. I don't want it. I can teach you I don't want to have natural juices in my ass You have natural ass juice now. Listen to me. No, everybody has natural ass juice as you don't think it's true water this is the first of all it's not shit water that's what it is Bobby no you have

pheromones that and you have your your male G spot is there and you can hang on yeah there's pheromones have to do with anything I don't know you just said the word I just like saying the word pheromones science neurology is it prostate juices yeah like a prize yeah that's for men you have juice in your butt you have you have natural ass juices that will come out no butt juices can we can we look at lubrication you have a natural ass juice that's not poop. You're not supposed to butt fuck So why would you need natural ass lubrication? What do you mean? I supposed to butt fuck? You're not supposed to butt fuck What if you're Catholic? Oh?

Yeah, if you don't have a baby for sure then but fuck city all day long I think I'm sure you have like natural butt juice now. You're sure now. You don't know Love look at her face. She found it. She found it. Our face doesn't look like she's happy with the results. Well, it's there's prostate milking. Bing.

No, I've heard which I thought is coming. That is milking the prostate is it's going to come out of your dick. What is now it says there's a thin milky liquid containing enzymes bingo. Natural ass juices. Thank you, Christine. Well, Bobby No, I would suggest you use lube on your ball bag. Actually, I wouldn't even loop your ball bag I'd loop your asshole on the outside. Could you? Sure stick your finger in your bum right now Dry yes, not comfortably. No, it hurt. Could you? Yeah. I mean, at great pain, I say. Let me, let me, let me just back up a little bit. Let me ask you another question.

Sure. Could you stick your finger in Christine's butt right now? Dry? No. You wouldn't be able to get it in. I can get it. Has anybody stuck a finger in a butt? I can get it in. It's just like it would hurt her. Has anybody stuck a finger in a butt of a girl? Yes, me. And it's fine. It's just juicy. Without like swiping. Yeah, like, sometimes, sometimes you could swipe the pussy juice. I'm talking about, oh yeah, you have to come in your ass first. Oh. I'm sorry, I apologize. But I'm telling you, I will get lube, I will lube my asshole,

and I will try to stuff my own ball bag into my asshole. I'll try. I'm going to do it without the lube, and we'll see which works. Oh, you're going to have a bloody asshole and ball bag. Jacob, are you going to try tonight? I'm not. Why? I mean, this guy's butt-watering obviously. Why do you think you're going to have a bloody asshole and ball bag. Are you going to try tonight? I'm not. Why? I mean, this guy's butt hole is obviously stressed.

Why do you think you're above the show all the time? Why? He'd do it if Eddie Vedder asked him to do it. He'd do it. Keep something. If I, we should have told him this was Eddie Vedder. Dude, you know this is Eddie Vedder? Yeah, did you know that?

Do you know the best ball bag shitter in the world is Eddie Vedder? Best dancer, ball bag shitter. Uh, he's the best delicate testin owner. But look how stretched this guy's butt hole is. What do you mean stretched? You can see when they come out. Look how big it is. Christine, he just farted at his whole ball bag.

Let it snap back. I don't think it snaps all the way back. Oh, Fooie. You are so gay phobic. I know. It really is actually ugly, Christine. You hate drag queen them days You hate Max you hate Max going into the world of drag you said Shane sucked you said Shane's shows sucked

You're judging this guy's fat asshole Fuck you, Christine. Louis's kids gay. I mean, where do you stop? Christine I think what you need that. I think you need a dain cook affirmation of the day Oh, I forgot about Dean cooks fucking what? You saw that Saw them no, I didn't see them I witnessed them and then I become them you're affected. Oh, yeah Oh, I'd love to hear one. Oh By all means if you're looking for inspo look no further

Who has invited the day? Oh, by all means, if you're looking for inspo, look no further. The day cuts invited today. No. I don't want this. That's a wanted you to play the. That was a good way to put the brakes on the show, though. I wanted my. Apparently you guys haven't worked out your issues in a week. I have none.

Lou's got him. I got nothing, kid. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I don't bring up Instagrams Yeah, I thought they're on and spend the tourgasm. We're on the same page Wow every fucking thing I'm doing you have to somehow get in and break a rule There you go. Don't break a rule don't break rules if you do if you see me doing something stop breaking Don't break a rule if I'm losing a game stop and let me win I'll punch you in the face

Personally, I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. with Dane. That's what I was looking for. I think it's not right there That's it right now. This one. Nope this that Is it? Definitive the best fast food hamburger. Nope. I think it's on X maybe that is important what that the best fast food hamburger okay that's fair what does he say it is he says wait what does he say it is though now I need to know how do we get from my me and my son seeing a rocket on the beach to a guy sticking his balls in his asshole.

I mean, you became obsessed in one of the show with all of us, so. I mean, this show is really good, man. We go all the way from fucking drag queens. I'm gonna call it Formatless Radio. It's really all over the place. Advice of the day. There you go. There we go.

And then if you could furrow your brow a little more, I'm gonna see if your eyebrows can touch. They can't. Wait, do you want to see which burger he likes or do you want to see his inspiration? It's too late for the burger. They do if she doesn't shave them. That's true. Her pubic hair. But in fairness, yeah, I was gonna say in fairness, her back hair will connect her eyebrows if you let it all go. Thanks for asking. I'm like, Harry. What is this? If you walk in like the boss, people will treat you. Pause it again.

First of all, he's wearing under armor, which I love. I love he's wearing under armor. It's very coach energy, life coach energy. Here we go. If you walk in like a bitch, people will treat you like a bitch. If you walk in like a boss. There's another one. I want to play this at more than we played the balls.

Here we go. It says the same energy. Oh my god. For daily nutrients. Every day I'm going to post something. I'm not sponsored by Under Armour by the way, but I should be. Under Armour, take notice, okay? Let's cut that part. Every day I'm going to post something

and it's like my version of real world authentic with the dog and the yawning. Really? That's how boring I sound already chopper with the yawning. Real world. I'll take advice. Talking to a dog. Man, absolutely right now. And this is the advice for today brought to you by Dean cook it's so weird watching him age without seeing him We don't see him in person ever. Yeah, so it's like I mean I did like those Caroline shows with them right before he went to theaters, yeah, and Like he was such a young handsome, just like. Yeah.

Is it age or his eyebrows are on four inches of. Well, it's age. He's led himself like, I mean, he's done a bunch of clearly work to himself. I used to be smoking hot too. So I really can't say much, but I think I aged. I didn't. Well, you did a thing.

You also changed what your thing was pretty early in the game. You shaved your head, which was going to be a different look. Hot to a blob. Yes. OK, thanks, Jay. I appreciate that. No, I'm saying you shaved your head. So that wasn't some of that people get used to. Like you getting older and shaving your hair or your hair or your hair going slowly. That was a choice.

I preempted a strike against, I knew right now things are starting to pop, I'm losing my hair, I have to make my hair with hairspray. I got nervous on windy and rainy days. I'm like, fuck it, it's gone. I took it out. And then your head turns the right color

and then you're good. There you go. How long did that take I Was blessed with a great head that not the shape and and the and the look of it I'm saying the color where is your because your skin always pretty dark. Oh, yeah I'm Italian because that was the Jeff Ross thing Jeff Ross at first. You're like, oh my god, dude We should get like a I'm like, yeah, we should do like a like a go fund me for him or something and then it finally like a, like a go fund me for him or something. And then finally, like it is like,

just get used to the elements and it becomes the color of the rest of your face. My mother, my mother would turn me every 30 minutes in the crib. Yeah. So I swear to God, she told me that she goes, you can thank me for your good head. Every 30 minutes, she would turn me so my head, cause as a baby, your head soft. And a lot of people just let their babies sit there. Get that flat back head, get that flat back head and you have to get them a helmet. Is that real? Yeah. You got, dude, who had that? Um,

what's his name from Travis when he had his baby had, she had to have a helmet for like six months or something like that to reshape the head. And some people don't do that. For some of the boys, some people don't do it because it's boys. Some people don't do it, because it's just, fuck it, leave him with a flat head. He's gonna have hair. And then, and later in life, they have Jeff Ross head. Hey guys, that's the advice of the day from Robert Kelly.

Now competing with advice of the day from Dane Cook. We should all have advice for the day. Oh wow, this show just fucking zipped. If you have a baby, make sure you turn his head. Every 30 minutes. And also the best burger In and out and I'm under armor should sponsor Dan cook and under armor sponsor Dan cook everybody and and if you walk Like a bitch people gonna treat you like a bitch if you walking like no drag Queens walking like the boss

You be a boss you be a boss get out of my face right now, man. I'm serious. I'll fucking knock you out You be a boss. Get out of my face right now, man. I'm serious. I'll fucking knock you out. Okay. I may have been a little, look, I wouldn't have taken that from me. I'm really sorry, Jay Davis, because I wouldn't have taken that shit from me. I would have knocked me the fuck out if I were you, but you're a bitch and that's fine.

I'm sorry. He called me. I got a, well, I was out there. I never answered him back. I should call him. Jay Davis? Yeah. And somebody, we'll talk about this tomorrow, little teaser for tomorrow's show.

Little teaser tits? Somebody really, they uncollaborated with me. Somebody, I thought I made a connection with, uncollabbed. Really? Dude, uncollabbed. Ooh, that's going to be a good story for tomorrow. This is the bonfire. Hey everybody, thanks for listening.

That was just a portion of our actual Serious XM radio show. If you want the whole thing, go to seriousxm.com slash bonfire for a special offer. That's right, and go to bigjcomedy.com and robberkellylive.com to check out our stand updates coming to a city near you. Crackle, crackle, crackle, crackle.