The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Dream Crushers

Episode Date: July 29, 2026

Jay is late for the live show and blames a horrific accident in the Holland Tunnel. | Bobby's visits West Point with his son Max and doesn't have the heart to tell him that he can't get in there. Jay relates with a story about crushing his daughter's dream of becoming a singer and his own sad tale of failing at high school football. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And now, the bonfire with Big J. O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. What's up, everybody? It's Monday. We're back. I got some good news and I got some bad news. The good news is we're back on the air. The bad news is poor Jay's in horrific traffic right now coming through the tunnel. He's on his way here.

He'll be here. He's probably listening right now making sure that, you know, I'm not popping off with a stupid song. He probably hated that song, right? I think he would have liked it. You think so? I don't think so. I think he would have probably had some, no, no, no, do this song. If I said this song, you'd be like, he'd make a face.

Oh, he would have overruled you, but he would have tapped his painted fingernails to it. It felt good, though, that when I put my headphones on, my mic came on. And you didn't look over at another chair and go, is it okay, boss? It's not the case. It is the case. I know you feel that, but it's not really what's going through mine on. It's not I feel it. I see it with your eyes.

I actually visually see you. Look at Jay and Jay actually gives you an eyebrow and nods and says, it's okay to turn his mic. No, I don't make eye contact. All right, maybe I do give him a slight advantage over you. As you should. Oh, Jesus, Lou's pissed off. Lou, calm down, bro.

You all right, man? I'm good. Yeah. What was that? That was my listening monitor. Oh, okay. Yeah. See, unlike Jacob, you admit it.

Oh, yeah. Just tell us what it was. Jacob would have went nothing. It was nothing. What sound? I don't know. The bang that just happened. I don't know.

What are you? It wasn't me. Jacob's on vacation. He's down in Florida. I tell you this, we had our meeting this morning and still miserable. In paradise. I mean, in paradise, doesn't have to work. And I looked at him.

He always has the face like some best friend just died or an animal just died. He's just, yeah, the family. even when he's not alone, he's still alone with the family. Yeah, dude, it was like, I thought he would be like, hey, dude, have you guys ever? I love Jacob first of all. Let me just say that. I love Jacob and I love his miserable face and it makes me happy because when you do make him laugh, it's like a father that never says I love you.

And then when he finally does it, it just breaks you up inside. When Jacob does laugh and crack a smile, oh, it just makes you feel good. Right? Yes. Yeah, it makes you feel. He doesn't give it out. He doesn't give it out. You know.

But he, I mean, he is, I couldn't imagine having lunch with him. See, he must, he must just get jacked up when Dan comes in the room, doesn't he? He does perk up a little bit. He perks up. But I haven't seen him with real joyful energy since he got drunk six years ago right before a pandemic. We need to get him on a drug or booze. We need to get him fucked up. I think that it can I be honest too

I perk up when Dan comes around if you don't perk up when soda's in the room there's something wrong with your insides man every time I just did the regs and I walked in kind of like out of it trying to get down there on time I took the thing and I walked in and I just saw Dan he's just like hey pal

and you're like hey what's up hi Dan how are you buddy and he just gives you that big hug that awkward Frankenstein hug and he has to bend in half to come down to you God, Dan's soda. And then Lewis walked in it. It all went away. And then we plugged Body Brain coffee for five minutes, which I'm drinking right now.

Me too. It's fantastic. If he gets subscriptions to it, he's quitting the business. I want it to become really famous. He'll still do skanks, relax, Christine, but he'll quit the regs. It would just be me, Dan, and Joe, which will be awesome. Please buy Body Brain. Buy Body, as much Body Brain as you can.

We're doing it for us, and we're doing it. to have Paco freed from whatever slave intentioned service shit he's in. He really is. I know he's got you whip, doesn't he? Paco, come over on the mic, buddy. Paco's in the room. Don't take Jay's Mike. What are he eating?

A Lara Bar. Oh, a Lara Bar. Oh, the female, the lesbian bar. It's pretty good. It is for you. That's a chick bar. This is my bar. That is.

That's a chick bar. My dad love this, though. Oh, God. You really fucking make me sick. Paco, Paco, Paco, Paco, Paco, Paco, Paco. Oh, you think Jay's singing it in the car right now? Paco, Paco, Paco, Paco, Paco, Paco. Paco, pa.

Paco, paqo, paqi, paqi, paqi, go, pucky, pucky, paco, paco. Dude, I was talking about this on the regs today. I did something today that fucked me up. made me feel bad. I, I, uh, I, uh, I snuck into, tell. Thank you, Jacob.

I snuck into the, uh, train. No. Yeah. I didn't hop. I can't hop. You know, you went through that. You went through that. Let's not, let's not get carried away.

I mean, I would have, I would have took the E if that was the case. But this, I was coming down the stairs at the sea, and the train just pulled the doors open. And I look and you know, the door, someone had come up. out the door and it was open and I stopped and I've never done it. I've never in all even when I was poor. I remember when I was first in New York I used to have just enough money you had to buy a token. You remember tokens? No, they were already Metro Card. I'm so old. I'm fucking so wild. I mean Metro Card at this point is like archaic. I know I threw it out there hoping one of you would be like yeah. Lou does. Lou do you remember tokens? I do but I was too afraid to ride the subway back

then. Okay, because you wouldn't fucking four. I suck. Well, you had to buy a token for 150. You got a little token and that's the only way you get on the subway. So I had a buck 50 in my pocket and I lived on 97th Street. So I would take Aster Place all the way up to 97th Street on the 6th train late a night after the seller. So I was like, okay, great. I got, but in my brain I was like, I have a token. And I have the 150. and old fat Bobby had a good night doing comedy so I went over and I bought a chocolate-cover pretzel for 150.

It was these big chocolate-cover remember the delis? They used to have these big chocolate-cover pretzels and I bought a chocolate-cover pretzels and then I went to the train and I didn't have any money. That 150 was for the token. I didn't have a token. I had to walk 97 blocks.

I had no money, no ATM. Don't look at me. Why do you hop the turnstale then? That's what I'm saying. I just had values. That's crazy. Crazy, right? I should have just hopped it.

And it was three in the morning. There was nobody there. But I have this thing, this Catholic guilt, this bullshit that I have in me, that I didn't do it. But here's the thing. I did walk 97 blocks on 96th Street, bumped into a friend, had a falling out with two years ago. He was crossing the street. I was crossing the street like three in the morning. And I was like Sam and he's like Bob and we talked for like hours and we rekindled our friendship still friend to this day.

Sends me a happy birthday on the tuba every year video. So if I never, if I had fucking been a piece of shit and hopped turnstile, I would have never saw Sam again. We might not be friends. It's your higher power working for you. It was my, don't mock. I feel like you're mocking my higher power. Why? Because you said the word higher power and your tone.

Yes. Is it my tone? It's your tone. It's my tone off. That's it right there. Every year I get one of these. It's fantastic. I get mad when I don't get it.

But I did it today. I saw it and I just didn't want to wait. And I had time. I could have waited six minutes for the E. But I saw it and I just got something inside of me went, go for it. Do you want to be a bad boy? I heard this. I heard, go for it.

You wearing a dungary jacket. You just saw the outside of the musical. Go for it, Joni Boy. You have your sweet merch on. Dally was inside me telling me to go for it, man. And I went for it. And then I ran. I had to run to make the doors.

And I had to jump down the three steps. Almost fucking blew up both knees. And then I... As soon as I jumped, I went, don't. There he is. And I jumped and got in the train. And then two young kids were laughing at me. Which made me feel bad.

What's up, man? Oh, you're in fucking trap. You're all right? Right? It was terrible, right? No, well, why I'm late, a little bit of an ordeal. Ooh. And, well, if you'll give me a second, I could tell you, guys. Jay, you have all the time in the world.

I'm a little song, but I'm still a little shaken up, quite honestly. Oh, my God, Jay. What happened? I was on my way here. Things were going fine, smooth. Right. I get right before the Holland Tunnel. Uh-huh. It's a little bit of traffic.

Okay. I start hearing the girl screaming. Help. Help. Help my sister. What? So I'm like, that's crazy. So then I get out of the car.

Leave it. In traffic. In traffic at the Holland Tunnel. Someone yells, help. You got to go see if they need help. Of course you do. I know that. She's standing on the pier of the Hudson River.

So you heard help from the Holland Tunnel? I was in line. You're in line? Yeah. And you could, okay, that's a fire. Yeah, my car. Oh, that's a fire. My car does the thing where it turns off when you stop.

Okay. So I could hear faintly. Faintly, because it's far away. Nobody else was reacting, so I go over there. Yeah. And then I get to her. She is freaking out. Of course.

She's saying, my sister. My sister is in the water. She can't swim. Oh, God. And I go, okay, I can swim. I got a helper. And then I, first, I yelled turd in the punch bowl. Oh, God, Jay.

I'm yelling. And I'm building an audience now. Everyone's having a good laugh at it. Oh, no. And while I was doing that, the Coast Guard jumped in and grabbed her, I think, or the, whatever, you know. The cops out there. Yeah. and then up and then if I'm look I don't want to get in trouble with the higher ups here at serious XM I know they pay us good money to show up on time but my commitment to the bit is what made me late today and you should be very low heroics but I did get that turd in the punch bowl thing out I would say comedian hero comedic hero maybe because I brought a community of what I can only guess are like

homeless and vagabonds. Is that a word still? That is, yes. But, I mean, if you saw everyone together, and these people don't have good lives. No. Turd in the punch, pull. Turned in the punch.

And it was like a thing. That's crazy. You got them all together. Yeah. And then, so then I paid a guy to get some drone footage of it. I'm late. I didn't handle everything properly.

Oh, so there was a guy there that had a drone. Yeah. Oh, okay. A drone guy to get. Well, homeless people and vagabonds don't notoriously don't get together well. Not like that. Not like that. No, no, no.

The homeless and the vagabonds are usually, that's a war on the shore right there. But I brought everybody together. Maybe that's heroic, I guess, a little bit. I don't know what happened to the girl because then I was like, oh, someone else jumped in the water. I assume they're saving her. Right. I got to get to work. Right.

And I jumped out and I still ended up. Here on basically a couple minutes, dude, a couple minutes. Oh, man. Oh, man. I don't know. I don't know if I deserve that. No, no, no, no. I'm going to tell you, as a hero, with a very,

uncanny similar story. Really? Oh, I guess so. Yeah. I guess upon reflection, that does seem... Yeah. Oh, there was a sister at yours. There was a sister.

And the sister was yelling, help. Everyone was black. And then I saw her. And then you said the turn and the punch bowl. No, I didn't say that. I didn't... You didn't say it. I didn't say it.

That's why I felt compelled to have to get the joke in. Right. There'll always be somebody who's willing to jump in and save a kid in the water. Yeah. But far be it from someone to have the comedic heroism. Comedic heroics. to get vagabonds and the homeless together to start a turd in the punchball.

And by the way, these vagabonds, it was like a gang and a death wish movie. Black, white, no Asian. Paco, I'm sorry. No, because they don't allow. Black, white, Latino, old, young, it didn't matter. Everyone was brought to you. That turd in the punch bowl joke.

I'll tell you what. Racial jokes can cross race lines if everyone's the same kind of poor and homeless. I'll tell you so. Vigotry is the way. way the pathway to peace i think i read that yeah bigotry is the pathway to peace i thought that was the seventh step of the 12 it's actually i think it's the 14th step nice i read that in the big book that too you added yeah i read that too he's right yeah it is it is oh really yes well you guys

would know yeah we would know i haven't hit rock bottom yet well i haven't found my rock bottom I was telling them, dude, I didn't jump the turnstow, but the door was open and I ran through it today. Really? And I didn't pay my $3.50. I don't even how much it is. You meant... And the train.

I hate... I hate... I'm an English professor. What do I know? You said you didn't jump to turnstile. I did not. You meant cannot. Oh, I said that too, yes.

Oh, okay. Because Christine said turnstown, and I said, are you out of your mind? Yeah, yeah. I couldn't just. That would have to roll over it. Well, now they make... Almost like a slinky.

Don't they make now... They say they make them now so you... They try to make them so you can't jump over them now? Well, you... Because Dylan said he tried and he's got a bunch of bruise on his inner leg from dropping. They have like... He's too old for that, though, by the way. Almost like they have the turnstow, but then like a propeller thing going up on it.

So you have to be very tall to jump over. Okay. But I've still seen dudes get through it. There's a way to get through it. I just personally wouldn't risk... would have a ligament tear or a ACL injury that would happen if I tried to jump. I would take both of those over what I'm more

I'm worried about more than the injury is the grotesque amount of public humiliation I'd be feeling when everyone was like, why did that fucking tub of shit even attempt to do something that spry? Yeah. And then while I'm sitting there holding my calf, I had to say things like,

I'm actually surprisingly nimble for my size. Yeah, yeah. No, they left the door open and I saw it open. And the train, the guy just went, beware. He said some beware. The doors are closed. And I was like, I think I can make it. And then I heard Dallas from the outside of the musical go,

go for it. And I went for it. And I ran. Here's the thing with running with me. I always think I'm running way faster than I am. And I saw somebody videotaped me. I think it was Max videotaped me running. And I don't run fast at all. No. At my top speed is the lowest speed for most people. It is funny. I do know, too.

I also feel like, well, I have that story that killed me so much from my school in Philly didn't have a football team. It was a concrete school yard. Concrete. Whoa, my brain just stopped. Concrete squad? Concord. Concent.

Watch the swears. Are we have a swear jar now? We have a swear jar. We should get a swear job, by the way. We should get a swear job. Did you get a swear jar and a bad word jar? Can I say before, hold this pin for me, Bobby. Story about me high school football trials.

Keep that pin in your mind. I got the pin right here. Because I do want to say something that I noticed when I came in. Is Jacob on Zoom? No, he's not. He's on vacation, miserable. Pure vacation. Yeah, we saw him in the Zoom this morning.

I thought he would be a little happier. Right. Not. Still miserable. I'm going to tell you this. Yeah. And I mean this. You do.

You talked to me on the phone earlier. I did. I was running late. Yeah. I told you. I was like, I go, I'm running late. If you could cover me for a few minutes, I'm sorry. I will not apologize for this because my commitment to the bit,

someone had to do the turd and the punch pole. Nobody else there was going to say that. Yeah. I had to get out of the car. I'm pretty sure nobody heard the helps too that far away except for you. Nobody. You got to have my weird sense of sonar hearing. Right, yeah.

Almost porpoise-like. Yeah, I was more like drawn, I sniffed out the joke. I was like, is there a turn in the punch pole? Because I've been looking to say that. You have like a joke, like a... Like Spidey Sense. Spidey, jokes, Spitey Senses. Yeah, right.

But I will say... You have bit by Dave Attell. But then I was like, ooh, I fucked up pulling off that world-class hilarious bit and bringing together two communities. But I was stressing. And what you'd hope is that when you walk into the situation when I get here, a few minutes late, it's going to be... And immediately, when I walked in the room, I saw Paco.

I forgot Paco was coming in. Yeah, Paco's here. Black Luzback. And everyone looked over, DJ Louis over and smiled. Smiles, of course. I looked at you, you went, there he is. Yeah. And everything's all right feeling.

Yeah. And I sat down and I grabbed the headphones, started doing a bit about a bit. Yeah, a bit and a bit. A bit within a bit. I don't know if people know how hard a bit and a bit is. We had a good time. We went back and forth. And I got to tell you, that good energy is brought to you solely in part by the lack of Jacob being here.

If I would have walked in and seen that face right away, Why can't we do to him what they did to the Bronx tail guy? I don't want that face looking at my dice. Oh, you mean the mush? The mush. We got to have the mush closet. Yeah, well, we could build a closet in the corner somewhere. We could build a closet in the corner.

We'd have to move you over a little bit, but would you be okay with that for the Jacob closet? I say this. Let's have it heated. We were going to have a... We were going to have the plastic cover. Yeah. That just goes over his chair and him that connects to the... desk the COVID thing that they made yeah get that and then we put a curtain in it and then we

don't want to look we just go it flops down I don't mind that or just in a regular thing because I will trust it if we look away for five seconds yeah he goes right into miserable face yeah I would suggest that on the cover that we put over him we just put like a giant like emoji sticker whatever we want to see over the face part of it we could put a happy face of him yeah yeah something like that smiling Jacob but we put like a Japanese hat like one of those rice hats the fields yes look like he's I wouldn't mind that at all like that no what was the what was that's too big what's the plastic thing remember the plastic that you want to buy yeah they we ordered it yeah they just like said they just refunded the money

and they were like no oh no they just didn't give it right well that sucks but yes they were out of them uh I have a pin for you take that pin thank you basketball story no football story high school football about running fast yeah hold that pin though because I need the I have a collection of pins oh okay good that's my pin. It's my pin. I'm holding the pin, by the way. I don't know if you see this. For no reason whatsoever, I'm holding the fictitious pin. Can I see myself on camera, Paco? Why don't you tell me there's so

many folds in my shirt? I actually, I handed you the pin. And after I handed you the pin, I went to put back my other pins, FYI. Because we commit. Very good. We commit to the bit. High school, so I didn't have a football team in my school, and then I moved senior year. Hang on, one second. Go ahead. You farted?

Jacob's not here. I don't love farts either and DJ Lou doesn't like him. Oh, really doesn't like that all backwards. I'm sorry. You guys aren't here when Jacob's just here I fart. It's not going to be. There you go. Oh, that's a good one too.

Oh, fuck. Not the fart, the thing. No, it's the fart you meant. Oh, is it? It's not bad, is it? Yes. I did have protein yogurt, protein shake, protein bar, bananas. And I believe, what else was the other thing?

Oh, coffee. Why does every day have to be a colon, with you. Can you just have one regular fucking third day? Buddy, I'm working out, kid. That's not, that doesn't make sense for any of this. Do you know, let me tell you this really quick. You know you lose 69

calories every time you fart? I was going to tell you, that fart just blew my pin away. What are we talking about? Football, you didn't have one. Shitty school. Little Chubby Jay. No football team. Played neighborhood football all the time. Yeah. Tackle, but you know, no

fucking formidable plays or long. I mean, that looks like, your high school looks like most juvie halls I was in. Yeah. Yeah, it's weird. Yeah. Like Michelle Pfeiffer should be a teacher there. And they had metal detectors by the end of the inside. It's so crazy, dude.

You made it out of there. Yeah, that was, my friend Duon used to make me laugh all the time. Because we used to go, they used to say that the things are there. The gates on the windows are there so you don't, so you don't pass weapons through the windows, they said. Yeah. You just say it was so boring. You used to grab, like when the teacher turned, I just grabbed them. You can't fucking jump out in the boredom of this class.

I guess you had to know Dwan. One of my black friends. Oh, my man. No parking? They have no parking for the teachers. They have to park in just the street. Literally no parking. There's no parking.

It's right across from all the row houses. It looks like a factory. Yeah. And then down the block and diagonal across the street. No other way. Keep going down. All the way across the street. Well, you'll see the school yard.

over at the end of this. That's Timothy McVeigh's U-Haul truck, by the way? Oh, they added. These buildings weren't there when I was there. This was all just part of our school yard. But wait, go look to the left. I want you to see. Wait a second.

Back up. Back the fuck up. This seems wrong. Because our, I don't know, maybe it's around the corner. But there was a synagogue that we had to go to 10th grade in. You had to go to 10th grade in? In a synagogue? Yeah.

It was a synagogue. It wasn't... Even the black kids or just you because you're a little Jewish? Oh, even the black kids for sure. Oh, that must have been fun for them. Yeah. By the here.

Well, no, but it wasn't a religious school. They just used the thing they needed the room. So downstairs, there's like classrooms. And that was just 10th grade was in there, in the bottom of a synagogue. It just happened to be a synagogue. Did it lock up the Torah? He had to lock up the Torah. Wouldn't offend the black kids.

Look at that school picture. Am I in that one? That would be hilarious Yeah I think there's a strong chance I'll be in that picture Oh God, please By the way

No one gives a fuck about me And is an alumni anywhere Me neither dude No one gives a shit And I think if I went to a fucking Like a whatever What he'd call it a reunion Yeah

I feel like everyone would be like Oh yeah What have you been up to? Yeah I think I did not make a dent Anywhere I went in my life Buddy they had a famous people From Medford thing

I wasn't on it. It's like, go fuck yourself. That's crazy. Yeah, that's nuts. I should be at least number three or five. Look up Triton High School next. This is where I went senior year. This is so funny, Jim, just on your school's Facebook page and like, oh, no, where to go?

Sorry. One of the most recent posts is advertisement for waste management hiring. Hey guys, you ain't gonna make it And also another service is hiring too Yeah What is that? Kelly service is also hiring What is that?

What kind of service? Night shifts? That's actually my business. We're urgently hiring. I hire kids to, I hire young kids to bang dawn on weekends. Someone wrote get the fuck off this page. I love it.

I love it. You're such a fucking hoe. I love it. Well, I say cuck. You say ho. I love it. You got to hear the Kanye's songs, so you know what I'm doing. You're such a fucking hoe.

I love it. You're such a fucking hoe. I love it. It's really going to tickle you. While she brings that up, I also wanted to show you, show him, Triton High School, by the way. So then I moved to a school that had a football team. And I was like, I should take advantage of this.

I've never played organized sports. I'm big. And fat, I guess, turns out. I thought it was just big. You were big back then. You weren't fat. You got fat when you started comedy. 20s, yeah.

Yeah, you were actually big. From that stand-up thing, you had big shoulders. You were a big guy. So I was like, I'll play football. This would be great. Yeah. And I go to Hell Week. Which is every week at that school?

Yeah. For a white Jewish kid? No, this. Oh, this is the nice school. Yeah, this is when I switched to senior year. They had a team. Oh, they have a parking lot. Yes, they do.

They have a roundabout. But there's a football field back there and stuff you can see. That's nice. So I went to this school for a year. It's not that nice, but it was way nicer than, I thought. Really nice. Than Cell Block C that you were going to? Yes, it was way nice than that.

But I mean, Christine's school, I talked to Dave Williamson. I saw him the other week in Arizona, you know, one of Bert's guys? Yeah. Dave Williams, it was great dude. And he does, he was saying, like, he coaches high school water polo. He's a water polo guy. I know it's so funny. What a funny sport.

But he says, Yeah, he goes, we're finally catching up to Mira Costa, which I go, oh, yeah, I go, Christine went there. He's like, everything there is, like, professional. Yeah. Full-blown tennis courts that have always been there. They just got, like, a $38 million. That's your high school? There's seven tennis courts, three full baseball fields.

That's the theater that is shaped like a shell. Is that where you learn the art of acting? No, actually. That's where she dropped out to do a Coke, to become a Cokehead. Also, Redondo. What happened to you? How did you not? how did the school not

propel you? Cocaine. Well, dropped out. Yeah, cocaine. Remember you and Christina to go through your fucking foibles as children? Yeah, I wish I had taken more advantage of the school. Oh, I'd take it more cocaine.

It should start a cocaine earlier. Would you got out of this dumb place way earlier. Yeah, this was like a private, like people in that community don't send their kids to private schools. They send their kids to Costa. And so they treat it like a rich private school. Don't call it fucking Costa to us. Yeah, we're not, we don't.

Sorry, Maracosta. Ugh. Oh, I hate everything. Doesn't Miracosta sound worse than Costa? Well, the way you say it. Yeah. You said it Twati both ways. How about just Miracosta High School?

Miracosta, there you go. Miracosta, it's fine. But yeah, their athletic complex is what it's called. I mean, that's crazy. Yeah, they just built this. So that's an insane thing. So Triton High School wasn't like that, but I go to Hell Week, which is two a days. Right.

And I'm like, all right, and I go, this is going to be good for me. I lie. I thought Hell Week was you in. They didn't have lunch. Sorry. Well, they would, I had to lie. I had to get a doctor to lie and say, I skipped past that I had an knee issue.

You fucking. What? I don't even know where you're going to go with that. What's the pussy move? I had a doctor fake that I didn't have this. Oh, that you didn't have it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I wanted to play. Oh, I thought you fake that you did have it

not to do Hell Week. It's these. Hosgood Schlaher's disease. Oh, dude, I'm sorry for that. Not for the disease. The name of it is disgusting. It's a terrible name. Yeah, it's gross.

I guess a guy who had bad knees. Say it again? Osgood Schlautters disease. It's when you grow too fast. What? You've heard it for? We used to get tested for it. Yeah.

Oh, I passed. It's when you get tall fast, the cartilage kind of knots up and it just creates like a basically a sore. It looks like a little bump on your knee. A lot of people kind of have it, I think. Oh, my God. It looks like a little. What's that, Lou?

Must be nice. I'll take that disease any day to get taller. Lou? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't realize how much. That must be sad for you guys to have to hear that, that I have pains from being tall. It's not all easy.

You also have a bird beak coming out of your knee. I also do have a bird beak coming out of both my knees. Yeah, that's nuts. My bird beak? That looks like a Jewish girl. And they're always sort of sore. So I had a doctor like, I just kind of got past that somehow or told him like,

so I went to play. Two a days. It's for five days, I think. The two of days are six, something like that. whatever it is, I get to the last day and I go to the morning thing and we're wrapping up the morning with a kickoff practice or punt practice.

So it's like the guy kicks it and the whole team rushes down and circles around the ball. And man, by like the second one, I thought I was flying. I was like, I mean, I was like, I think I can hear the wind like cutting through my ears. I go, I think I'm, I go, I've succeeded.

I've come so far in this. It's amazing. And then I just hear the coach yell out. I'm wearing short shorts. Vessie, I think his last name was. He goes, Coach Vessie. He goes, oh, Gerson, if you don't get that fucking lead out of your ass, I'm going to bite it out. And then when we came back for the afternoon practice, I purposely got somebody to kind of hit me low.

Like, just like put myself in a position to get hit low. And then I was like, oh, doctor says I can't play my knees. You had a pay a guy to take you out of the game? I didn't pay him. I didn't pay him. I just went way high on a fucking offensive line, and he went way low. And he just drilled me in the knee.

It hurt, but it wasn't that hurt. I said, the next play, I'm going to do the thing where I'm like, well, that's the end of my organized football career guys. And I'm telling you, talk about times being different. Those coaches would harass me in the hallways. Like, they wanted me to play. Yeah. So they were like, I mean, they would really,

but I mean, you know, the word we dare not would speak here, at Sirius XM that he would call me in the hallways. What word is that? The N-word. I'm pretty sure. That's the dare not speak on anywhere. They called me pussy-ass N-word.

I was mostly white coaches. I didn't say that. I mean, they probably did, but not the way we were just making jokes about. So that was it. It was my football career. Yeah. I'm telling you what it was.

One of the overwhelming things, too, also, was I, when they said I was going to be offensive line, I treated the playbook like I was like oh I'll just use this as something to put like my plates on when I eat my room because what plays do I have to know I'm blocking the guy I'm standing in front of you're on the offensive line

and that's when we used to talk to Shane about this who's an offensive line guy and he was like and he started laughing as I started telling that because he's like it's so much more it's maybe one of the most complicated positions on the field you have to know you almost rarely just block the guy in front of you it's almost never

so I was also when we're running some plays, I'm tripping the quarterback and stepping on his foot and not making the hole in the right spot. You know, the running back's getting drilled because I was supposed to fucking follow. I was supposed to get in front of him and run in front of him, and I just smack the guy in front of me no matter what. So then by that afternoon, I was just like, I'm going high. I'm going high. I'm getting some gloves, and I'm going to fucking do something else. I'm going to get the fuck out of here and do something else.

Can I keep these gloves? I want to make my own shirts. I'm going into these shirt making biz. guys, you'll see. Can I keep these gloves? Although I will say the guy who was the all-star everything player on our team, who was a friend of mine, went what I can only call is bat-shit crazy. He became friends of my brother when my brother was on drugs and started telling everyone

that he is, he's like, I hope you can keep a secret. I am Christ. What if he was? He's not. What if he was? I promise you. What if Christ isn't what we expect him to be? Tell you what, though.

Tiny waste. Muscular but like more cut than like big black dude and I would tell you this when we were in fucking high school he was the running back Highest bench on the team by far 365 bench for a fucking hundred and hundred and seventy pound kid that's crazy that's why that's crazy he was crazy strong but he was Jesus so it's not really that crazy It's not that crazy I mean he can make water into wine you could walk on water and bench and I'll tell you we can do Weave through the defense of all those other white high schools out there. There was only the one high school that was just like dominant down there though at that time was

Overbrook. Not Overbrook in Philly, Overbrook Jersey side because that's where Ron Dane. Ron Dane went there and that was like through my high schooling so just watching a guy like, again it's like almost when they show Andy Reed from the Eagles like playing football as a kid he's just like this tall and everybody else is this big. Ron Dane was the running back and he's running through. He was like twice the size of me

and like he'll be running through me. I'm supposed to stop him. It's crazy. It's where you see a real genetic athlete. Yeah, you're like, oh, this guy. By the way, Ron Danes didn't even being like a major thing in the NFL. He was fine. But like, he was a good big day. He went to Wisconsin. Just being in the NFL, though, it's like, you're elite. He's learning that, I said when a kid went

away that we played rec center basketball with, this kid, Joe Williams, he went to Loyola Marymount and sat on the bench and barely never played a minute. But he came back that first summer at the rec center and he's like a tall guy. So when he played with us, it was always just super inside. and a little bit of a shot.

He's like shooting from half court in the rec center, three-pointers. Yeah. And he just picks up just like a different thing. It is. And he went nowhere in basketball. Like you didn't go to the NBA or G-League or overseas or nothing. Well, that's it.

Max is in football, wrestling, and lacrosse. And he's elite. Well, we went this weekend we went to West Point to see Army-Navy lacrosse play. Mm-hmm. And it's such a different. You know, and you don't want to, you know, you don't want to. Disgourage your kid? I don't want to, but he's like, yeah, I might play here.

I'm like, first of all, it's for officers. Second of all, you're never to a million years. You're going to have to give five years of your life after, two of the military, and then three years of reserves. And it's all, you have to get fantastic grades. And you have to have like a senator or an alum. I was like, dude, I know Big Jay, Colin, I mean, unless Louis can know. somebody I can't I don't know these people just like yeah maybe someday dude you know it's

funny I used to have a joke about Isabella people used to get mad to me for telling it was funny ago but there is something about knowing your kid do you know I mean and I'm not saying Isabella could become a gazillionaire business owner yeah something start I believe in her she's a very very smart kid but it's just knowing your kid is the thing and I said when it used to be Carla would be like he's like you could be an astronaut if you want her or when Carla told her like dude how much I pulled the brakes on that Isabel came to me one time. She goes, Mom said if I do whatever,

she'll sit in line with me to go on the X Factor, which was one of those singing shows. I went, what? She was going to take me to stay in line for the X Factor. I was like, why? She goes, so I could sing. I go, you sing? Jay's the last guy you want to bring a dream to.

I was like, I can't believe you did this. I'm sorry, dude. Yeah, I'm sorry, bro. Nope, you're going to hear how this ends and you're going to see I did the right thing in every possible way. Listen, dude. I'll take calls on if I did the right thing here. I believe I did.

I believe I did the very much right thing. Give out the number then. Because I don't think you did. Just tap the app, dog. Tap the app, yeah. 8669-1969. Just tap the app, dog. I like that.

Can we make that ours? Well, it's going to be Lou's new shirt. This guy's working on catchphrases to make new shirts. Well, listen, he's got to get that dowry money. He's going to get a fucking cow, a fucking gold statue. He's going to slide some in and he goes, we're going to go, like, Lou, what was that? And he's going to go, it's the board, man. And then by the third week he goes, it's the board, man.

And we're going to go, oh, he's fucking working on a bit. He's working on a thing. I need a catchphrase. We're going to get a new shirt. It's the board, man. We're getting a sufi. What's going on over there? It's the board, man.

That's your new Sufi, buddy. It's the board, man. Fuck, where was I? Buddy, I got you. Take this pin. Take it right there. Your daughter. You discouraged her.

You smashed her dream in front of her. Oh, I'm sorry. It's not. Well, that's my perspective. You don't have a perspective. I haven't told the story yet. You're going to tell us the rest of it. Wait, how old was she?

Oh, please. Twelve? Holy shit. 13? So a 12-year-old came to you with a dream of being on a show. There's no dream. And you said, what? She said, mom said if I do whatever, I forget what the thing was, that she'll...

Let me be her and you be you. Mom said that if I work hard and I could audition for the X Factor. No, no, no. It was nothing to do with singing. All right. It was if she did, like, you know, her chores and whatever. thing. Something else unrelated. If she did that properly, her reward would be her mom would take her for the ex

director. My mom said if I did all my chores and cleaned up my room and she would take me to the auditions for the X factor. Wow. Ow! What the fuck was that for, Dad? You can't sing, you fucking stu-nod. What the fuck you sing? What are you hitting her for? What the, ow! What do you hit me for? Why do you hit me?

Mother, mara-com, mama. Mama, La Beecho, Bendeco Gringo. It's a two-man show we've been doing. Well, Jay beats all of his family. Christine, get in on it. You want some of this, too? What's Christine say? Hey, Jay. Ow, ow, ow.

Yeah. Ow. Yeah. I'll be Jagub. Hey, Jay, can you not watch it? Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow. I want to go to floor. So she said she could, uh, She said she wanted to do the X Factor, or her mom was taking it. I was like, why? She goes, so I could sing. I was like, you don't sing?

And she goes, yes, I do. And then we were driving in the car, I go, you sing. You're going to sit in line for the X Factor. I go, Isabella, that is, it's a terrible idea. I go, the people waiting in line, I know, I said, I've done last comic standing. The people waiting in line overnight are not taking seriously. They're there for B-roll. The people they're getting is people have a point.

I've never done last comic standing where it was like we're all waiting you drive by it and laugh at Carolines the things around the block for people sitting there who think this is they're going to get in stay next to a guy with a fucking TV on his head or whatever fucking dumb thing or dressed like the cat in the hat even when Barry kept body I think you got what it takes body I'm getting you they want to see a pal just do me a favor the jokes if you were drowning what jokes would you save? Do those. So I say, I was like, fuck, where was I? Buddy, you were right there in the car with her. Here, take this pin. Take it. There you go. We're in the car.

So I'm telling her, I go, that's just to get like B-roll of people doing it. I say, I go, worst case, the best case scenario, you go on there and they don't show you. Because you're not like hilariously bad enough. And it's just going to be sitting there. I said, why don't you? why don't I put you in singing lessons? If you want to sing, let's do it. I'll put you in singing lessons.

And then in a couple years, I'll take you over to the X Factor when you're ready and you something you want to put your mind to and say you're mind to. All right, fucking the great Santino. Yeah. It was fantastic parenting.

And then, here's where it goes a little left again. She was like, I want to, she wanted to go now. And then I go, all right, let me hear you sing. And then I just go into the radio. I go, you know this song? And I think it ended up on Umbrella by Rihanna. And I'm just looking at her rear of me. I go ahead.

And she just like is half like, I don't know. I go, yeah, that's just in front of me. You're going to be standing in front of a bunch of judges are going to make fun of you. I go. You're her dad. She's in a car. Told her the right thing.

Yeah, but dad. Dude, you embarrassed her. I embarrassed her in a drawing contest when she was younger. Now she's a much better artist than I am. Am I right? Yeah, I don't know if it was solely because of you embarrassing her. Solely. No.

Because of me. Because her mother told her she was already great. She had a root and you dug it up and threw it on pavement. Buddy, you got to see. Isabella sent me this video a long time ago. She goes, this is so you, dad. And it really made me laugh. It's a video.

It's an Asian girl crying. It's a little Asian girl. She's crying. And it says because her dad said that she can't do a jump or a cartwheel. And she's like, you use that. He goes, but you can't. He's like, you have to do better. It's terrible.

And she's like, but I think it. And he goes, well, I get better at it. But it's not, and then it shows. And then he lets her do one and it's terrible. And he goes, yeah, see, it's just still crying. It's just, it's so, she was, this is totally you. I go, I bet that girl one day is a national gymnast. Yeah, but not because of him.

Yes, exactly because of him. It's not because of him. Did you ever see whiplash? Yes, it was a terrible. He was a, he was a terrible person. Why? Because he got a guy to find the best within himself? No one ever made me find the best within myself

Dude, you should live in China You should, you should be like Russian Even Keith bailed on me when I started getting white friends Yeah, dude You can't, is this it? I can't watch this Oh, it's so funny, well, it's really funny It's funny Yeah, no, it's funny, it's so funny

This will make you live How do to hurt your feelings? When you say, my God, we're a sex What could it sucks? You need to do better You heard me say that? You heard me say that? Okay, let me see a car wheel.

Can you show me? Let me see if it got better, okay? That's not a cartwheel, though. Okay, let me see you. Let me see you. I'm sure it's going to be great. He's laughs at her. This is, this is, that is the meanest shit I've ever seen. Can I tell you something?

No. Let me tell you something, buddy. Why? Lewis did all of his. peaceful parenting and quefeing his kid up like that and you know what James is just a regular 13 year on anyway he's gonna lie to him he's gonna do all the stuff yeah buddy he's gonna be the same kid as as a kid that you uh fucking just you have sometimes you gotta tell him goes don't waste you and your mother's time waiting in line looking like a buffoon on tv yeah but you have to you could you

you could have here's what i didn't do i didn't put it on social media ever okay i would defeat her at home and then and then everyone let's see the swan that appears from my breakdown but you You could have said, oh, that was good. I'm going to hire somebody to help you get better. Do you want... But it wasn't terrible. It was terrible. But listen, she's fucking five.

She was 12. That's 12. Oh, let's see if she was 12. Oh, she's 12. Isabella? Yeah. Isabella was 12. This girl wasn't 12.

No, I would have done that. But that is very funny to say that's like me, because it's more like me than not like me. I don't know. I don't know that it's a white guy doing it. I hate it. He adopted. He adopted.

He adopted just to abuse. Tell her she sucks at gymnastics. We got you because we thought you were going to be a Japanese athlete. Yeah, I thought you were going to actually make me money by now. You're not smart or athletic, you little dingbat. You can't even bend over backwards. Well, time to sell you into trafficking. I can't use you for my bank robbery.

You can't find the safe. I can't fit you in a small box. How am I going to get you into the safe? Your contortionism sucks shit. So, yeah, well, I mean, with the drawing thing, I told her her drawing was fantastic. And then Carla said, you're the best artist in the house. Okay, there is a fine line between lying and being inspiring.

Okay. You can inspire. Max says he wants to go to college for lacrosse. I say your wrestling is good. Your football's right. Look, baseball, I told me. him you shouldn't do baseball and he was like why i go because you're he was you were in the crowd you took all the practice balls

and brought a sharpie and was signing your name on balls giving them out to the opposing teams fans yeah while you're supposed to be at the plate swinging the bat yeah it's not your thing no and then you look out in the field and he's on the ground digging holes in the left field he's going to be funny but he's an athlete probably not and then but louis could probably get him into army taekwondo he kept just looking at himself in the mirror given that little sucky face. Doing the bobby. Yeah, doing the bob.

But jihitsu fucking loves it, excels at it. Wrestling, fell in love with it. La Crosse, I never, I don't even know. I don't even know. I don't even know what the fuck lacrosse is. I don't even know. It's a stupid sport for Rich Jerkoffs. Look, I don't even, I don't watch it. I go to it.

I went to this game because Max wants it, but loves it and plays it. It's fucking boat people hockey. It's actually from American Indians. Really? Yeah, American Indians. What did they ever brought us good? La Crosse and scalps. Using every part of the animal?

Casesos. Fucking crying over trash. Casesos are rocking because of them. Casinos suck. No, casinos in places there shouldn't be casinos. Come on, that's fucking awesome. We couldn't have done it without them. No, listen, you got to know your kid.

You should inspire them. Isabel could the human. human being she has the mental capacity to have been an astronaut carla is right but know this kid you're telling this kid things i got at 12 years old it's like what do you think she's excelling in anything she doesn't give it she does what i did she does enough to get through and do well with as little work as possible she's a sheister like myself it's called ADHD sheister she's just like me nope this she's very like me i get and and carla really wanted her to be a person Like Carla went got out of high school and wanted to go to college right away to NYU and she wanted to go to law school directly afterwards and she, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I agree. And she doesn't understand. I mean, she understands, but it bums her to some degree that it was like Isabella was just not an academic. Well, Isabella is. She likes to wear funny contact lenses and half grills. Well, she's a creative person. So when she finds something she loves, she can do it, excel at it. Just like you or me, I was a piece of shit until I found something.

loved and then I'll just I'll I'll do it and succeed at it and Max is a terrible he's not a good student he hates school and I tell him I go dude you just got to pass I don't care you don't have to get A's like there's like noam's kids they you know you have to come home you have to do piano you have to do this you have to do he wants them academics and they're good at it Max you know he's good at certain things but not school he doesn't like it but pass you have to do it there's a medium there's a medium you have to get I think you I mean, Isabella, I expected her to do well in school, ultimately. It's just, like, when she didn't, I wasn't, like, where I think Carla has more of, like,

what do you mean? Like, you missed several days of homework, and I'm like, I wish she didn't. Like, I was hoping, you know, it's like, I'll make sure I'm on top of it more or whatever. Like, you get that. But it's also, like, I'm not blown away. I mean, I got in trouble for, like, skipping half a year of school almost once. It's like, I used to do all kinds. So it's like, the fact that, like, she was, like, not very stupid.

good kids. That mattered. That mattered to me much more that she was a good kid. I told my teacher to fuck off in in eighth grade and walked out. Yeah. A seventh grade. I was like, I was out, I missed school for a week. I showed back up. And she's like, oh, Mr. Kelly,

nice to see you, like kind of twaddy. And I went, oh, fuck yourself. And I just left again. I mean, so Max actually, I think school, can I just be honest with you? I think school sucks. I think they teach them how to be just little workers, obese, Don't talk.

Obey the rules. You have to like this shit like that. Some guy in a robe started talking to you, didn't it? Well, that is exactly what school's for. They teach you basic math, reading, writing. I just think that each kid is... How science works. Each kid learns differently.

They want every kid to be the same exact kid, especially in public schools. They have a curriculum. You got to play. the numbers. You got to play the numbers. Most kids can pick it up in that way. I just think public schools, the way they want every kid to be the exact same

because these teachers want to go in and teach their stupid shit and go home. Some kids don't learn that way. But how could you work around that? Well, you could work around it by knowing what the kid likes. Yes, you have to learn basic math. Yes, you have to learn

basic English and stuff like that. But at a certain point... I'm going to get maximum the crown for Christmas, a prince's crown. At a certain point, you should find out what their interests are and direct them in that way, I think. Yeah, but at what point? I mean, you think in high school, you sort of can do that. In the right school.

In the right school. But you could do that for sure, but I mean, like, I don't know. I mean, their kids are all, yeah, I mean, on the basic level of everything, they got to learn the same way, I think. I don't think it's going to change. But I understand what you're saying. There are, like, hippie-dippy schools that go, like, like, as I said before, Was that you telling us that?

I was saying that, like, they now teach math in a different, like, conceptual way instead of like... There's a whole different, the whole different way they teach you. Approach of it, yeah. A whole different way they teach math. But we looked into different schools for Max. There's a school in Greenwich, Connecticut, that they go to school. It's not from, you know, Max has to wake up at six and then go till three. These new schools are like, no, some days are 9.30 to, like, two.

and then Fridays, some days they have it off. Some days they go all the way to five with school. And I think some kids flourish in that. Yeah. And I think other kids become Jared Leto. Do you know what I mean? Like that's the thing. If you go to something like...

No, what do you mean by that? A douchebag? Yeah, sort of. Yeah, like a guy wearing flowing things. Like everything's artsy, fucking farty. And like, do you know what I'm saying? It's like, if you grew up in that thing, I get it. I said it's the privilege of like having money in a situation.

So kids always go to schools where it's like, yeah, there was only 14 kids to a class and they took special attention to everybody but you can't do that across the board but but but kids as they grow and they mature they become different every year so like stuff that max didn't like last year he likes now and as they get into high school all of a sudden he might start to like school or like be able to deal with it better i don't fucking know yeah but you know it when he says i hate school i'm like there's got to be something you like he goes yeah i like uh I like wrestling, I like lacrosse. I go, do you like art? He's like, no, I fucking hate our class. I was like, I get it. I understand it. School is taxing and it sucks the pressure that we put on kids,

the homework, all the after-school work, all this. I remember when I was a kid, like, when you left school, you might have had a little homework, but you would done. Yeah, I know. But then you went and fucking did drugs and smoked. Because I was cool shit. And got drunk. No, that's what I was.

what I'm saying is like the idea of like no I lean more towards like the idea of like I think the kid should be racked up with uh extracurricular activities and stuff yeah Isabella always did stuff uh after school and her mom would put her in shit like fencing and all kinds of stuff I think that shit's great she did all of it but they should be busy I think they shouldn't be like uh like says you're a kid especially where it's like that's that's that's a little bit because of your shitty upbringing which I get um reflecting in that but you're like kid just needs a break me he just went to school three days in a row

I'm like that's you being taking advantage of you might have a point a little bit but he goes he's 11 man what's he going to go to school five days a week every week that's crazy but like today he had you know you got to wake up in the morning get on the bus go to school but then he has double across so he's not getting

home until 9 o'clock at night what understood but that is a long fucking day yeah doing kid shit but you're a kid So kids shit to kids is adult shit to us But what Max would be doing in the world today But what Max would be doing in the world today

If he wasn't doing that till 9 o'clock We would have been doing an equivalent We would have been out Kids would be at playing sports Or playing with their friends And just being active and running around and doing stuff Now if he wasn't doing that No I think he'd be if he wasn't doing two a day

Lacrosse he'd be home playing a video game Well I'm doing nothing I told Don I would fill him up So he's exhausted at night And with his schedule. Fill the schedule. His schedule. No, with, with, with, with, uh, fill him up with the gardener.

I don't want to say it. I don't want to say it. I had to realize my son. I'm not a comic hero because I didn't go that far. I heard the cries. Maybe you're the hero we need, we deserve. No, I agree with you that I, every day he should be doing something and especially after school stuff. Sports, I love that he's into sports.

I never did sports. But it is, it is. a lot and then to come home and have an hour and a half of homework but I'd rather have him deal with that pressure and figure out how to do it than not to come home play video games and just be home and be that kid I feel it's getting too much get him a prostitute I did I did that but he didn't like center down to cost of the max let her get rid of some of the poison she's she came up she's like he hurt poppy it too big commercial break yeah big j uh for tickets and all the tour days visit big j comedy dot com YouTube dot com

slash at Big J. Okerson. And Bobby Kelly. For no tickets and all tour dates, go to Punchup. com.com. Check out Bobby's new YouTube channel at Robert Kelly Comedy. And, of course, every Tuesday night, 7 p.m. at the Fat Black Pussy Cat Lounge at the Comedy Cellar. We'll be right back.

It's the bonfire.