The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Easy Crooning (feat. Dave Attell, Joe DeRosa & Ali Siddiq)

Episode Date: May 11, 2020

Jay thinks crooning is easy singing & Joe DeRosa is offended. Dave Attell let’s everyone know how his quarantine is going. Ali Siddiq gives an report on how his home state of Texas is opening up. EaJay and Dan explore the idea of doing fan cam website.

You're listening to Comedy Central! BAM! Hey, I'm Big J.O.P. And I'm Dan Soder, and you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire Live every Monday through Thursday from 6th 8PM on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM95, or on demand on the Series XMF. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire, SXM.

Canaver is what's up, it's Black Luke, and welcome back to the Bond Fire's Best of the Week. Whether the result of quarantining together for two weeks, or something more deep-seated that will never know. Things came to a head this week when Jay and Joe DeRose are debated the merits of crooning, along with show favorite Shane Gillis. The Rose got very upset with me yesterday because I, first of all, I forgot how much he loves the music of Kruiner's, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin types. Without thinking about that, I just said, I think it's just the easiest form of singing entertainment

that anybody here could do it. And, and Joe got very upset with me for saying that. It's crazy. It's crazy wrong. Oh, and shit. Jay, that's, I thought you were going to go J. Side. Now, you're saying that crune is the easiest thing to do. Crune is the easiest style of singing. No, and Jay, Dan, Jay did say that he could do it. He said anybody He also said that a baby boy could do it without thinking I do it. I did it yesterday I did the rest of the night after the show is over It's literally like me being like anybody could do death metal listen Joe you're not wrong

The death metal I have to do is go you're not wrong. I just said, I, the death metal, I have to do is go arm, wait, fuck it, I'm going to have to have to have to have to have to have to have a range for like high screaming and that growling. Fucking crooning is just one flat. Have you ever heard Tony Bennett, the high notes he hits. He out saying Billy Joel on New York state of mind at the fucking. Joe can't sing either. He does the same thing, which is good tunes.

Billy Joel just goes, and I'm locking in and I'm in Long Island. Billy Joel's a fucking bitch. You're first, everybody. Billy Joel's. Yeah, we know we know we're saying killer sides in the Tony Bennett versus Billy Joel. I like that. Deloza has that knowledge. All of that. Yeah, do you tell me Bennett's the shit? Now first of foremost, Tony Bennett is the shit. But maybe one of the biggest offenders of just it's just

talking, man. It's nothing. Especially now, man, you ever hear him now? It's a I got Lady Gaga over here with me. We're gonna sing some of her songs. Some of my songs guys I went to bumbershoot in 2012 and fucking Tony Bennett was the headliner and I got hammered and he was in the key arena And it was just like this old man being like It sounds like when they talk to the crowd like lyrics of the song Yeah, it sounds like when they talk to the crowd like lyrics of the song

Take me back to a simpler time how you feeling at the Las Vegas you're doing Neil diamond you're doing Neil diamond could fucking well don't even Neil diamond you leaps and bounds leaps and bounds of any Crazy to this the Jewish Elvis you're talking about Fuck the three of you fuck the three of you you They put Tony Bennett out on stage and it's like me change it. If you like, I'm saying you could like it and it's good. Let's say you think it's good. That's okay.

I'm not arguing that people think he's good. Clearly, I'm saying it's not difficult what he does. It's not that good. It's not that good. It's not that good. It's not that good. It's not that good. It's not that good.

It's not that good. It's not that good. It's not that good. It's not that good. It's not that good. It's not that good. It's not let's say you think it's good. That's okay. I'm not arguing that people think he's good. Clearly, I'm saying it's not difficult what he does. Jay, there's no way you mean that. Fuck you. You don't mean it. I am also sucks. It also sucks thinking of Derosa listening to like, I did it my way. Oh, fuck it. Oh, I was just gonna say that is all I any time I think of derosalistin that music there is a fucking dish towel over his shoulder and he's doing something

that I'm gonna say that is all I anytime I think of derosal listening to that music there is a fucking dish towel over his shoulder and he's doing several things in the kitchen and he goes, ooh, the Miyuki's almost ready. Hold on, I gotta pull it off the stove. He's wearing a DV with his chest hair coming out and a little chain. In behind him and some Italian guy just going, I miss my mommy. I miss him so. Oh, shit the garlic bread. Oh, Derosa whipping up some garlic bread. Canfer is what's up with Black Lou again.

The great David Tel joined us on the show this week as we discussed his life in quarantine and what it'll be like returning into comedy clubs in the future. Yeah, Jacob and I had one of the best dates ever at the stand right before this whole thing went down. I mean it was amazing. We ate like kings. The food was fantastic. The comedy was great. I cannot wait to get back to the stand. Black Lew and Jacob approved. Where are you? Is this it? That's not are you inside? Smoking inside? This is my house. That's my printer. Oh, I know it doesn't hold the candle to drink smash it, but you end up you and DJ Lou over there are two of the last people smoking inside their their own house and I appreciate it. I want to show you something guys this is my corona calendar.

Happy faces of the days I haven't heard stand up. Well you run back to the clubs Dave first day they're open. Yes. Yeah I'm gonna run back but first I'm gonna get my nails done go bowling and then I'm gonna tattoo. Dave. No point in bowing, Ali's in Georgia. Like, that was one of the top things need to be open. And I couldn't think of more of a place where you share finger droplets, sharing shoes.

This is a day where the stance of your lucky is only addicted to meth. Yeah, but I'm wondering if there's a in Georgia if there's like a David Tell of bowling who's like, let's get back. He shows up fucking snapping and cracking him. He's just like, the day those lanes are waxed, this guy's gonna be standing there. Like, like, like, Huffin, no shoes bowling. Oh, yeah, from the clubs opening.

I mean, that's gonna be the last thing that opens. I mean, I'm just other people and I don't wanna bring anyone down, but it's gonna be the last thing that opens. It's gonna be like, you know, Rockefeller Center, you know, all that stuff's gonna open and then like a month after that, maybe the clubs will open. Pretty weird, sad. I agree, but I think the road clubs will open.

You think? They're gonna open. They're gonna open for New York clubs. Yeah, I feel like we'll have it. Oh, I feel like we'll be back in action in New York before their place is just because they're smaller venues. So if there's like, you know, if they open like up to 150 capacity or whatever, there'll be places in New York that can run for theaters.

I think, yeah, I think New York, I think the clubs won't open until they can run a capacity because the value isn't really there. And I think by think on the road, I think those places that just like, you know, Omaha funny bone like Omaha ain't afraid of this like we are, you know, I mean, just

seeing it being upstate right now, like the people here, like they're not really going to consume their thoughts that much. And everyone's broke, too, you know, you can't blame the crowds. Like, it really is, it's a tough time all the way around. So, you know, you can fly like somewhere, if you can get a flight, and then like,

you perform to maybe a third of the people. So what you're gonna have to do is, you're gonna have to send people out there who can only draw a third of the crowd. Yeah, this is the only time in my life where my draw is actually working for me. They're like, yeah, they usually we say people home when you were here. Now people are excited. And we awesome at the merch table, taking everyone's temperature.

Too hot. Get out of the line. Yeah, before they get six feet to me, I need a triage nurse at my merch table. I think people will want like, entertainment, but they'll also want knowledge. That's why I'm going to throw it out there right now. I will open for Dr. Fauci.

I think it's all your matter of time, till he gets, uh, he needs six from the, uh, health department, you know, I was telling too much truth. I just want to hit the road, make somebody before he writes a P.D. 6 from the health department in our own talent. Too much truth. I want to hit the road, make some money before he writes a book. If he just bitch you out for fucking up his credits, he's walk on music anyhow. Yeah, yeah, he forgot he's a theater actor. For those arena tours of like the speaking, like Michelle Obama and stuff, do they have an opening act you think?

Like Oprah? You think Oprah when she goes because her motivational Do they have an opening act you think? Like Oprah? You think Oprah when she goes because their motivational tours like an opening act goes out? Definitely. They definitely they have opening speakers. They had openings. Malcolm X would have like an opening speaker. That's so funny to be an opening speaker for a major person.

Well, I open with the same thing every time, which is sit down, sit down, sit down. Yeah. Like, like, Malcolm X's backstages, sit down. Back up back. Back up back. Back up back. Back stage is like, do me a favor. Don't do your, uh, Plymouth Rockland and on us thing because it's my thing. So are you still calling white devils?

Cause I call them white devils. Hey, look, I'm sure, I'm sure I'm sure this is just parallel thinking, but if you can just like, I also had a dream and I know when you're headlining, you do your dream. This is the Martin Luther. I don't know if you you do your dream. This is the Martin Luther King Jr., so I'm going to do the dream thing tonight. That's how I appreciate it. Thank you for understanding. No crowd work please. It's funny because I just got a lot of time going after my mom's house, bringing her stuff and she has like a memory issue. So she kind of knows what's going on. She doesn't really know what's going on.

has like a memory issue. So she kind of knows what's going on. She doesn't really know what's going on. My the person I have there in her house, you know, the aid and the nurses, one of them had a driver around, she didn't believe us that everything was closed. She's drinking her like a impractical joke. She's like, what do you mean everything's closed and like the edge, like I don't believe you so they had a driver around, so we're like everything's closed and like, yeah, I just like, I don't believe you. So that it's right for a ranch. So we're like, everything is closed. And you know, there's a lot of people who just don't believe it. And I know out on Long Island, it took like, you know, at least a couple of weeks for people to realize

that they have to wear masks and stuff like that. I think it's good everyone's wearing the mask. I think that that's a good start. And like, the cool thing about it when you do smoke is that you pull it down like you're a fighter, you know, like, man, what's it's like you're I'd fit her You know like man When somebody comes you got to put it back up like you were What did she say when you're driving her around where she's like oh, I'm not allowed to even go in the house

I just drop off the food Then they scrub it all down and then you know she but I wait to talk to her like in prison Like I see her wear on phones And then I take a leak in the back of the garden get back in my car I'm kind of like you know an intervention. We're like the parents know the best thing to you As I still like just disengage with you like they won't let me in the house, but they still love me, you know that kind of thing. Yeah, they're like, I love you Dave, but you gotta help yourself before we let you back in.

Even your car. Have you hung out with anybody like at all? Like has anybody come to your place, or you go to someone's place? No, I don't think any people are allowed in. I mean, I've seen people on the street, I met Louis Cads and Ian, like they're on bikes, so they'll bike around and like, you know, have a nice six feet away conversation. Maybe that's what we should do. We should like plan a big circle, like a big, almost like

a cross burn in but without it, you know what I'm saying? I think they're going to use that like, this is good social distancing. Look at that. We don't realize that the clan had the plans the whole time to social distance properly. I'm sure. Periodic, but that would be fun to do. We all meet up in a park or something like that. Everybody's like 6 feet apart. You know, we've done it on our buddy Wayne's roof a couple times. Just go up there one at a time and then everyone just kind of stand apart and hang up there for a couple hours. When it's been sunny out, it's been a game changer

of just like having a conversation in person. It's just nuts, man. You got people worried about you because I'm old, so people are worried about you. They're like, you know, you smoke and you're old, you know, so you're basically dead. Yeah, no for sure, but I mean, actually, I'm so worried about myself that most people are like, you're going to be fine if you get, even if you get it, you'll be fine.

I'm like, I actually said to Jam, like, you should be way more worried about other people than you are about yourself. My mind, everybody else is going to be fine. I'm not going to think, yeah, but like, we all live in the city or at least around something that walk around the city, man, It's like six o'clock, seven o'clock, eight o'clock. That's like the end of the time. Like you've got to get back home. Yeah. There's a death wish time, you know.

Yeah. But I'm not going to be stupid. Really? If it's like sundown, everybody goes inside. Everybody runs home. But there is is a lot of joggers here. I've never knew there was some joggers. And seven o'clock, you're supposed to go out and applaud the first slide. And I do that. But it's funny when you do it on the street

and these people are jogging, they won't even stop to applaud the hospital people. At least clapping runs. Selfish. There's a lot of joggers in the city. But I mean, yeah, at nighttime, when I go outside to smoke, it's really lot of joggers in the city, but I mean, like yet nighttime when I go outside the smoke it's really like a Saturday night looks like it's

Fucking Christmas Eve like everyone's just at home like no one's out on the streets. It's very bizarre Yeah, it's creepy. It's really I mean if I take like any kind of a An odd walk I would because also I said before this has really been big for the confidence of bumps I mean bumps are at for the confidence of bombs. I mean, bombs are at high level confidence of aggression and just coming at you. It's nuts. Can I tell you this?

I don't want to take up all the time, but I've seen some amazing things, just like the street people taking it to the next level. Like you said, sir, got to do a crack in the middle of the day, not even like hidden away. Like, just basically, on a doorstep doing some crack. Then I saw another woman doing bumps a blow off of her car hood. Down to the road, and she put it back up. It was amazing.

I was like, what's happening? New York is, I'll tell you what's happening. Dave New York is back, baby. Ali Sadik joined the show this week and gave everyone an update on life opening back up in the Lone Star State. Take this is open. It is it's wow, man. They opened up, you know, the movie theater. Yeah, nobody's going. I was going to say no one's going to show up still. But I, you know who is going? The people that are like, who think that? The people who are like, I bet no one's there. We should go. But it's the crazy thing.

Like, you have to like order it online and they bring it out. Like, that's the mall. Like, how can, it's like, I was quick. If I had to go to Zara, which is on the third floor of the gallery, and you ordered, and I had to take it down, and I had to do that all day, like, I quit, I quit. I mean, that will end, the sneaker stores are gonna be fucked.

You just ordered online. I mean, they were already probably in bad shape because for that reason, but I mean, now ordering, it's like, why would I go risk going to them all when they'll be in my house in two days? Sometimes you have to really try and get on because it doesn't fit the same way. Like, you think that you think some people

wear it, some grown people think that they fit are going to get bigger or something. And they wear a size too big. You like, okay, you like retard it. What are you like, six? Is like, you don't have to buy your shoe that big anymore. Like you gonna grow into it. You, there's no grown up who actually goes like, you know, I actually, I turned into a size 14, 38.

This is a really good neighborhood that's been taken over by agents and Nigeria. They literally have changed the signs. You go on one street, it's like, shall hang boulevard. This used to be a bunch of stores, but no customers. Everyone owns a shop and no one goes to visit shops. Oh, let me tell you, it is a weird thing.

Like you go on this side of town, which is the start, which is A. Lee, which is the start west. It literally everybody knows the Hong Kong market is on Bel Air and it is all like the Chinese bank, most of the good massage parlors, they have all of it. It looks like Chinatown. It looks like you are in Chinatown. So then you go on Beechnut because the streets go like this. You go on Beechnut and Beechnut is literally Nigeria. It's literally magic. And it's only

it's only like this far part like standing in between those streets to smells that must clash. You can stand in that middle and you go I don't know honestly what I'm smelling right now. It could be a mixture of things. It could be from the Hong Kong market. In sense, and whale blubber, just meeting somewhere between Beachnote and Shan Kao. Yeah. The Hong Kong market has to be the most interesting place in Houston when you girls are shopping because you go in there and they don't know how some people are like, we have frog legs. Yeah, they say that too, but the frog still be alive like you can buy and it'd be like a Barrow these huge frogs you like I know these frogs and get out of here I don't know why they're not getting out, but it looks like they can just jump right out

But they know really one thing I really respect about Chinese people is that they keep a lot of their problems to like being small time problems We're like, hey, are you worried about the frogs jumping out the Grab it and put it back in like You go give fish they have the fish in the tank like the crab is alive They have the fish alive and I. Like the crab, the live, they have the fish alive. And I go just for the entertainment of watching some small Chinese man, or Adrian man, oh, I want that fish right there.

And he never gets the fish that you want. He just swoops the fish and then you have a club and he did, bam, bam. And then he's like, how you want this cut? He's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, That's how we're in this mess we're in right now. Like that, the web markets have used it. You want to octopus?

I beat the death in front of you and children. Yeah. You have a had angry ostrich. You go, what does that mean? Is punches in ostrich and gets a mad and then kills them? Now, the anger is in his meat, but that's gotta be a like a market where you can go get like the craziest shit in one block where you can buy like I bought a fucking, I bought a porcelain cat, the head of an e-moo and the most comfortable pants I've ever put on in my life.

Mall to bet and woman. Yeah. I'm the same block. Yeah, she's going to live with us now. So, are my beliefs that once belonged to the chosen one? I had to carry a glass of water over some fire and some rocks and then drink them. Remember karate shoes? Yeah. They get really fended if you ask for karate shoes.

People are doing whatever, man. It's weird. I almost punched this lady in her own jeep. I was walking through the parking lot and she just coughed out the window. And I had on a mask and I was still like, you know something? You got to get body stuff. I do you like to hug the door. That's pretty nuts.

Coffin is sneezing. Those are two things that I never think they can get you beat up. But those are two things that get you like and everybody turns around. It's like I wasn't the only one. It was other people looking out. They call like two. No.

I did it. Coff. You're going to go. The new punch flinch is about to sneeze. He's going, hang on, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm fucking saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm trying, I'm not scared. Yeah.

Let me tell you the weird thing that I had famed out of being able to do crime. I've had a mask on an HB for different occasions. And if this just turns so bad where I had to get out and rob for my family, I couldn't even do it because I'm in an HB. People were like, hey, I need to think, what's happening? And my mask is all up here.

I'm like, how did I feel? I'm in the face. I'm in the face. Dude. I guess it is funny watching people prepare to go in the place, just putting on gloves and a fucking band down around their face. It's just fun. And if you don't, place is putting on gloves and a fucking bandana around their face It's just fun and if you don't that's there's that's what they'll send you away for it. Put your bandana up

Get in there looking as menacing as possible I'm fucking crazy to everything's open. I don't know what it's gonna be weird when New York finally does I'm so curious to see what the actual reaction is. I think a lot of people are going to run right out. I know the club business as far as comedy clubs is going to be insane. Because a lot of clubs only operated like 25%. 25% yeah. And then people are going to get bumped because clubs are going to try to make as much money

that they can. Like I just got bumped for Adam Corolla. Memorial Day weekend supposed to be a Houston improv, which I sell this place out every time I come. And they still bump me down in July for Adam Corolla, right? Okay. Yeah, it's funny when my agent wouldn't be honest with me because we had to move the weekend, you know,

and everything's like everybody's moving weekends And so I'm trying to get back on the road as much as I can when it opens up and they're like I'm like what about this club? Like you know that weekend and they got moved and they go Club and I was like why what happened like You're weekend away. What's going on? Oh, fuck like what's going on? Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. Your weekend is probably in danger until the week before. I think it's slide somebody else in maybe.

Yeah. I bet it. It's like Steve Harvey wants to play your weekend, Dan. Yeah. I know. Steve Harvey. You go, guys, a Dean Cook is going to do Columbus funny bone. So you're out.

Yeah. I'm saying it's going to be. I think the me and the Rose talk about that before the, what you call it's going to come back to the theater acts because of the capacities are going to come down the clubs. Roy Wood Jr. wrote a really good article about what he thinks is going to happen to stand up and this was part of it where he was like you're going to see everybody go from like the people that were at theaters are gonna go to clubs and then the guys that are in clubs are gonna start getting hurt on the weekends because those theater acts are gonna be back and then it's gonna bump everyone down a notch.

I'm curious to see what's gonna happen with city sets. I don't think those are gonna I think New York City is gonna be the last thing to open. Well I think you're right. I think New York City like the New York City showcase clubs are gonna be the last thing to open. I think the most of the country is going to open at like full capacity comedy clubs before New York. I think 2021 until at least until clubs, especially in New York, but everywhere just functioning normally. You know, the comedy clubs out there? I'll leave functioning right now.

Houston, the M probably will be open. Second week of May, I think. But not full or full capacity. Just 25%, which is from a 500 cedar, you know, maybe like 150, you know, something to that nature. It's still a crowd. You could feel the laughs in the room, which is nice. But I mean, I just still think that someone

with some Mike coughs in a row of 150 is like yelling fire in the theater. No shit. Yeah, what's going to hit for the hill? If you're sitting next, there's no way if you're sitting next to that person, or the person that's sitting next to the person who sneezes their coughs is not going to make a stink

about moving. Good luck not who sneezes their coughs is not going to make a stink about moving. Good luck not missing bits when someone coughs. Someone's going to cough and be like, so then I say to her, I go last time I was in Montana. You know, room just goes. It's like, it's now worse than the shittiest heck ol' the world. Hey, hey, man, try to do something. You know, the rule of their like never let a heckler get to you. They're like, never let a coffer sneeze get to you. Go, you go, retested. Yeah. What's the offer's going to be the new,

cough's going to be the new kitchen blender going off. What was that? Wee, go. Here's, here's the other thing that's crazy. I keep thinking about this is like, when you first go back on stage, like, Ali, if you go into the, let's say you did the improv in May,

you can't, everything now has to be put through the filter of this. You can't get on stage and be like, so I was out of this girl the other night. It's people like, no, you weren't. You know what I mean? Hello everyone, this is DJ Liu. And in this clip from Quarantine Lost Tapes, find out what goes on in only fans on Twitter.

And also, Quarantine 3rd Mike Joe D'Arosa gets into the difficulties of editing your own porn. Check it out. Do you guys kinda wanna see somebody having only fans that we know? And if they did, would you sign up for it? Not under my real name, but yeah. How does it work? You have to pay for something? You're going to pay and I think you got a tip. I think that's one of those things where it's like if somebody tips 50 credits, I'll show my beaver or whatever. I think it's one of those where you see the chicks like masturbating and you hear the thing going Yeah

Anything of anything to do with the internet porn is the fucking cash register noise Pitting yeah, did my on my Netflix special. I do joke like that. Yeah, the The web team girls. What's it called fans only? Only fans. Only fans. It's fucking I'm gonna take a little peruse. So, but you know, I mean how desperately are you waiting? It's gonna be so great. Lee Slamppin Elly. Oh yeah, she's like I motivate people. Yeah, you have to wait. Through blast in my clan with this dildo. Yeah, yeah, just signed up through bonfire. through blast in my clam with this dildo. Yeah, yeah, just signed up through bonfire. Could we have a, could we do a whole thing?

Could we start our own only fans and see if people will in the pay for me. They'll were Dan to spread our butt. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey I'll give you I'll give you shut up my donut hole if you want to pay a couple bucks for it. I can't What's up? What's up fans only just want to let you guys know only for you only fans. I'm about to make I had a pretty big dinner last night at a lake on Dyke bar So I think it's gonna really swat me This one feels like it has a corner on it And you guys might have sleeping well, so they've been coming in threes

Let's start the trilogy it's probably gonna be a lot of farts and maybe some spattering of mulch This one's gonna rough edge on it. Oh, I forgot that I had a banana and I'm all bound up Yeah I forgot that I had a banana and I'm all bound up. Yeah, I should have chewed those trisks more. Oh, thanks Cheetahs. 9-1-8. Oh, that tip was great. I think I'll buy some dude wipes with your money. This feels like a squash.

I put it in the right way. Now it's coming out the wrong way. Yeah, did you guys know that I think whatever's coming out sideways because it hurts you guys want to see me accept a two-liter Bottom side first Tip me if you want to watch me use dry paper or if you want to watch me use a wet nap Yeah. I can do the thing with Instagram where you could be like, yes or no, dry paper or wet wipe. Yeah, good news, boys.

I got wet wipes. So my poopy gets thin and it turns yellow on the paper like you like. I know you guys like a diluted duke. We're all on hyperconjure. Who wants to look at what I made? Who wants to see me turn my chocolate into mustard with my wet wipes? Alright guys, who wants to come see my mess? Oh, I made such mess. Do you want to see my caramelobar? Pop a bear just laid a hundred grand in the pool. My catberries filled with fronches. Look.

Yeah, dude, I think we would make a lot of money. I'm more saying like, are we going to go on there one day? The surprise when you want to see like, as deep in the comedy, so it's like only fencing or something. Don't forget to subscribe to watch your do whatever you like me to. And please, deep extra if you want me to poop. Beans, if you poop.

I always thought porn was like the one job easier than comedy. And my friend Kiara was telling me like all she does for her videos. The amount of work is insane, dude. I was like, that's a real job, man. She's like, I've got to shoot it. And then I edit it. And then I have to put it up and all this. And I was like, oh, you lost me already, dude. I just don't know. Do you think it's, do you think it's, if you think it's hard to watch your set, imagine watching yourself masturbate. Imagine watching yourself chunk on camera.

Edit me and I'm like, I just have a wonder of like, sitting at the editing bay. I'm like, all right. All right. I think in fairness, so that's all that she's doing that for herself. The guys don't give a shit if you show every, if it shows her playing with a pussy and then she goes, ah shit, I fuck, I messed up that thing I was going to say. All right, I'm going to take it from the top and you just go, sure, whatever is happening

of the guys will be like, are you naked? Just the whole time. She's like, arg, matey, this pirate ship is setting, oh, get my flub the line. Let me get take it from the top. Got this. It's going to be a nightmare editing. It's like, no one gives a shit. Dude, just get naked and stand there and like, sit on, put a pen up your ass.

I know what I'll do with this peg leg. And then she puts it in and she's up. The dildos lived out of me. Hold on, guys. And you're like, you don't need that. Yeah. Yeah, she's going. She really don't.

It's like, eh, eh, eh, eh. I shit there. It was my ginger rail. Fuck. Yeah, she's like, ah, ah, God, there's a delivery here. I think it's my medicine. I got it. Come on, Desiree.

I'm losing light over here. She's talking with self. But I mean, I wouldn't do that if, if, if any one of my podcasts required all that work, I would never do a podcast. I just don't know how to do it. Sounds neat. Yeah.

Yeah. This is Riley Reed, fart porn, take 14. She goes, hey, it's me. Oh, Emma Diamond, take one, dropping a log. Okay, you know what? I gotta get this lighting different. The same. Yeah.

I got your complaints. I know the turd was all shadows and darkness and trying to get some toilet lights. I'm working on it. You know, Amazon's deliver and slow. I'm going to get a backering light so you guys can watch it pop out of me. Hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM East on Comedy

Central Radio, Series XM 95 or on demand on the Series XM app. Be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire at SXM. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.