The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Expert Wipers

Episode Date: February 13, 2024

Jay, Bob, and Jacob each believe that they have perfected bathroom cleanliness.

I'm Bobby Kelly and it's Big J. O'Kersen. We're actually a full radio show on Serious XM, not just a podcast. For full episodes of The Bonfire, you can listen on the Serious XM app. Go to seriesxm.com.com for a special offer. And now, The Bonfire with Big J. O'Kersen and Robert Kelly. Where was this song last night? Just brought Bobby back to life. Yeah, I was, you got me heated. Bobby came in, I brought up some sore shit. And then I wanted him to smile. So I had to bust it open for him. Here's why you got me mad. You ready? You have a

thing that you do when I say, dude, this happened, the way to and you go no you go like this no that's not and I'm like what you just have one factoid wrong doesn't make it less shitty it's not you don't know the fact oids I know you don't I do you do not know the fact or so buddy you you don't know the fact or 100% you better play the song again cuz I'm getting friggin Hey Bobby yeah Baby, if you want to Maybe maybe the wrong tour, huh you said the wrong tour is the only no no it's all good It's all good. It's all good. It's all good. It's all good. It's all good, but now that ursha is here Ursha He is

He's exactly where cat William said he was. No, I'm kidding. Did any of you dumb brown nosers text Dana? I'm so sorry for you yesterday. I wanted to give him a day. Yeah. I figure everyone was doing it. You didn't? No, I gave him a day, but for a different reason. I don't know if you remember, I called up joking with him after the Dolphins, not his team lost in the playoffs

And he cursed me out and said he was gonna tell me the Eagle score before I watched the game He backpedaled immediately. It was like I'm sorry. I just get I'm like, okay So I was like, you know what I didn't want to say shitty one buddy because I I know myself I would read it all a sarcasm when anyone said anything at that point in the night. Yeah, like tough one bro. I goes, tough one bro. Yeah. A gazillion dollars later and whatever.

Whoa, baby, baby. I didn't know he went to the game. That's two in a row. That's brutal. Two in a row this year. This Kansas City Chiefs, Kansas City Chiefs busted his life apart twice in the last five weeks. I mean, twice.

Once in negative 20 degrees weather in Kansas City, and then once in the sweet cool air conditioned, Las Vegas hold of Las Vegas, the sweet air conditioned, allegiance stadium. It was a crazy super. Where'd you do it? Sal's? It's my house. You just did it at your house?

Yeah, yeah. Just you and Christine? No way. Me, Christine, Josh, Edna Myers, Isabella, and her roommate. And, you know, just let the girls all stick around their phones for seven hours that game was. I mean, and then Josh talking nonstop during the whole thing. and you know, just let the girls all stick around their phones for seven hours that game was. I mean, and then Josh talking nonstop

during the whole thing, we're singing the entire game. What, we're singing what? 37 to one, that's my prediction for the, just literally, I'm not exaggerating. And then he also stands up every three seconds and does like a house lap and then sits back down, he opens the fridge and looks in it, goes in and out of the bathroom.

It's just odd. What, like a greyhound? He needs to vape again. He's got to start vaping again. I think he's nothing to do. He's just like, he just does stuff. Yeah, he's the type of guy you have that should carry around dumbbells.

At one point I had to say something because I forget what was playing, but it was just like for a while It was his ice in his thing. There's no ice in this, but it was just like I got you along with a song. Can I do your Foley work for you? Please. Thank you, and then it was thundering out What are you gonna do? Yeah, he was doing some song with his ice at one point And I was like Josh I'm honest. I'm gonna kill myself. You keep doing that. He goes. I thought I was enhancing the song And I believe him. I believe he thought that but no we had a good time

What was the food? What'd you get? It's pizza and wings. Pizza and wings, it's a good call. It's also charcuterie. What is it? Christine made charcuterie. Charcuterie, love a charcuterie. What'd you have, salami, hot salami, some cheese, crackers. She took it out of the plastic and put it on a nice piece of wood. Oh, that's what it is. You didn't make it?

No, she didn't make it on. I set up the board. No. And I got her salami hangers. You didn't cure your own salami. I did not cure my own salami. I got her salami hangers. You don't care your own salami. I do not care my own salami hangers. I bought her salami hangers two birthdays ago. Ask me if they've been out of the box yet.

I bought her a whole set of casings, a meat grinder, and they just sit in the closet. No dessert? I had some. What are the quadroutinis? Christine put out a quadroutinis. Quadroutinis are a very fancy name for just remember the wafers that are like vanilla inside

and like very thin, kind of crispy on the outside. The little ghetto cookies? Sugar wafers are called. Sugar wafers, yeah. Sugar wafers. It's a fancy name for sugar wafers. What are they? Quadratinis?

And shortbread cookies and more grapes. Oh, a bag. Oh, you get those at the deli on the corner. Absolutely, they are corner deli on the corner. Absolutely. They are corner deli. And it's called Quadratini, because you can't charge $9 a bag for sugar wafers. That's only $4.75 online.

Oh, some. I do like it, Quadratini. That was $10. Those are nice. No, they're delicious for sure. But no, it wasn't a lot of thought. I mean, a good board. We were gonna go to Sandwich King in a story

and pick up sandwiches, which I was pretty stoked for, and then they simply gave us the, though when Christine called, they were like, not taking pre-orders that day, and I'm not waiting in an hour long for a sandwich after getting off a flight. No, fuck that. So pizza and wings it was.

So pizza was, whatever, wings were fine. When you say you made it, did you buy the salami and the cheese and cut it was so you made pizza was did you make whatever wings were fine? When you say you made it did you buy the salami and the cheese and cut it all up? No No, I got pre-sized salami three different kinds, but then I got three I got white cheddar I cut that up and then I had dried apricots. I had great By the way, I do have a ruffle mancura almonds I want to say this jam and three different kinds of crackers. Ooh, fig jam. All the crackers sucked. What, really? They were all bad crackers. They were.

They were bad. I like a dry cracker. They were not good crackers. One was too thick, one was too thin. The other one was like a little piece of bread, like, the freeze-dried bread. What a little fat Goldilocks you are. Yeah.

Like in Christ, man. All the right away. Can we get rid of Breachies? What the fuck? It's tasteless. It's got wax on the end of it. It's just the whole thing's gross and stupid. You could use them as shoes if we ever have another pandemic. They stink. I hate the outside. I hate it. So I mean the wax on the outside.

Yeah, but people eat the Bre and they eat the wax. I hate the outside. I hate the outside. I hate the outside. I hate the outside. I hate the outside. I hate the outside. I hate the outside another pandemic. They stink. I hate the outside. I hate, that's what I mean, the wax on the outside. But people eat the brie and they eat the wax on the outside.

If you eat the wax on the outside, you're a piece of trash shit. You are. And I know it probably means that you probably think you're high society because you're eating the part of the brie cheese that probably they love in that hairy armpit chick France. I did like that.

You like bra cheese? You eat the wax on the outside? What? Well, when I worked at the French. Don't calculate your answer. When I worked at the French bistro, they used to import like a whole French cheese assortment for the big shots.

Chez cheese. Choose your words wisely. I ate everything, I loved it all. You eat brea cheese? The more it smells like feet, the more I like it. That's not a problem with me either. I don't mind if you eat bree cheese. Can I see bree cheese then?

You give me a stinky stinky cheese. Love it. All day long, the sharpest, most pungent cheese. I love that. Bree cheese is not only goopy shit wrapped in wax, it's so mild, it's got almost no taste. It tastes like nothing. I no I get look I've only tried the very best from France I'm sorry looks like looks like something

gold-fingered peel off his shoulder and eat these to give us the the leftovers of that of like yeah these he must have spent a thousand dollars my boss on the cheese you don't need any more right do it no you don't need it anymore, right? No. You don't need brie. I don't eat any cheeses regularly. I'll tell you what, they do that move right there. The baked brie, where the rind holds it and it gets all soupy inside.

Sounds like a fantastic idea. Still tastes like nothing. It's shit. It's a shit, cheese. I'm gonna get you a nice brie. Now, try it. Doesn't exist. I tried so much of it. It's boringie. Now, like, try it. Doesn't exist. Just like the upper...

I've tried so much of it. It's boring. It's a boring, boring cake. It never has a sharp taste. I like sharp provolone. Smells like fucking shit. And in your mouth, it's almost... You're like, why do I like it?

Because I don't think it's good. I like the pommageon. I love it. The crumbly pommageon. You peel off and you put a little olive. The more mold, the better. The cheese where it makes your like, it makes like your cheek hurt sort of.

Yeah. You get like that weird cheek spice. Havarate. I like a nice havarate. But brief stinks in three four. What do you like? Havarate. Havarate.

Havarato. Have chytel. Oh. Havarate. Havarati Havarato have a kitell. Oh Havarati Vardy heart no Havarati Vardy cheese Havarati is it hover hover it's a Havarati. No Pavarati. No, you're thinking of It's Havarati Havarati nope Havarati Havarati. Nope. Havarti. Havarti. Type in Havarat. No, you're typing in yours. Type in Havarat. We're typing it in. It's also on the wrappers of all of the cheese

that says Havarti. No. Yeah, that's what I said. Havarti. Bobby, you looked at the package. You put the package one time. What? Joseph, we all know you're reading. You dyslexiaed it and then you just kept saying it to dyslexia way. I have great reading, Jay. I don't know what dyslexia way. I have great reading Jay I don't know what you're talking about. I've improved so much since I've joined the bonfire Havarati. I wanted to believe Bobby knew a cheese. I didn't know yeah Yeah, Havarati. That's it. Havarati. Havarti. Yeah. That's what Bobby was saying. Except you. I'm from Boston. I put As with a none. But you can't put full other syllables.

That's not okay. You can't add full on letters. Havarti. What is it? Havarti. Havarti. Dude, do the, type in Boston cheese. Type it and see what comes up.

Havarati. Go on, type in Boston cheese. I hope it's a girl with a fat button, small tits fucking with cheesy pussy. Yeah, there you go. cheese shops have a ratty Oh, I was thinking of Havarati's cheese shop. He was my old cheese Smith Hoverati, oh, I'm making mistake. That's the cheese that my personal cheese Smith used to make in our town I grew up in to be fair. I knew Jay didn't like breathe. That's why I got the New York extra shirt, shirt cheddar, which you love.

Yeah, you did the right thing. I fucked up Christine with my other hat. Shop. And I'm glad I don't like breed cheese because Josh at one point picked the whole thing up by hand and pulled it out like he was like pulling a booger out of something. It was so upsetting.

And I was like, what's wrong with you? And then he just laughs and then like sings a song. What was the song? The girls laugh, who knows? What's the with you? And then he just laughs and then like sings a song. What was the song? The girls laugh. Who knows? Sing about cheese? Don't know where your folks ought to get the cheese. This is the same one I picked my butt with.

By the end of the night it was hilarious. Josh was doing the, he goes, so I'm leaving them off for eight days. So I'd bring eight shirts, would you bring? I go, I mean maybe bring like, are you doing laundry? I guess he's like, I mean, I can always go to a fluff and fold. What do you think? Should I wash clothes there? Do a fluff and fold.

But if I do a fluff and fold, like I don't want to dry my shirt. So how many socks would you go, Josh, this is fucking crazy. I mean, literally the chiefs are celebrating in the background on TV. I'm like, what are you talking? Who gives a shit? He didn't have a father, right? He did. He did?

His father never taught him how many shirts you need for an eight day trip. No. Jesus Christ. No, I don't think so. My father didn't teach me that either. I think you just kind of like can put it together. You think about it.

Do I have access to the lawn? These are just in your own head thoughts. Your father didn't teach you how many shirts you need to go on the road for eight days He teaches you common sense and then he says bad shit things that I think are crazy that I have that I have to get involved Now he's got me. I fucking went for the fucking the jam bait He goes full pairs of shoes, right? I go what what? He's like fall by the shoes gonna be there. I go. What do I go, what? You say, fall by the shoes, gonna be there. I go, what do you bring?

I go, always. Two. I bring the shoes that I'm gonna wear, my knock around shoes, and then my show shoes. You have show shoes, and walking around working out maybe shoes. Sure.

Yeah. Yeah, and if I plan on working out, it's gonna be that I'm wearing working out shoes on the plane, because I'm not bringing another pair of shoes. Now, going away for a long, long time, Christine's coming to something like that, I might throw a flare pair of shoes in on the off chance. Well, like a flare pair, what does that mean, like an extra show shoe?

If I'm not prepared to wear the red Timbs, let's say, Timberlands all weekend, I'm only gonna bring the black Timberlands. If Christine was coming also and there was room, I might say, throw the red ones in your bag. Or if you're driving. Or if I'm driving, I'll bring an extra pair of flare pair. Josh just doesn't, he doesn't have a girlfriend. That's like something you run by your girlfriend or your wife, not like all your friends

that is super part of your life. I wouldn't run a pack of her steam. No like something you run by your girlfriend or your wife, not like all your friends that is super part of it. Yeah, but you run. I wouldn't run up like Christine. No, you've run down your packing with me and what should you bring and what shouldn't you bring if it's a long trip. That's what I said. I said, if you were going away for eight days

with no laundry. I'd ask you to find out if there's laundry. Yeah, but you run that by your girlfriend once and then you know the answer. If I asked Dawn, hey, should I bring four pairs of shoes? I don't give a fuck. Go wear whatever you want. What do you, you have one. If you want to take four bags of luggage, you bring four pairs of shoes, you maniac.

Let me tell you why I've never asked Christine what to bring. Because you don't trust her. I'll ask her. I don't trust her inherently. And no, because she is the least last person I would ask. She's the one who brings, like, when we go away for the same amount of time we're going, her bag is, I mean, significantly heavier than my bag. It's a significantly bigger bag and she packs and brings home way more clean than she brings home to.

Well, she has to bring her spells. Yeah. So she was. You'd think there'd be some fun spells in there. It's just clothes. You can't take it. T can't tons of clothes. She brings for no reason. You have to you have to pack a human head and formaldehyde in a separate bag. You can't just throw that in a carry on. Christine brings a bathing suit on every place she goes in case. That could be Denver in winter. It could be Florida in summer. It doesn't matter.

Can I say be honest I do the same thing because I was in Kansas City in the winter and they had an indoor outdoor pool at the hotel and I went into an outdoor in a snowstorm, swimming in a heated pool and it's one of the greatest moments. I found God. I was like, this is amazing. You probably did. Well, I don't know if you found God, but you definitely found Jesus because him and his 18 kids were swimming in that pool also pissing and God knows what. Jacking off, fucking in the hot tub. I love it.

Ew, I'll never need a bathing suit for a hotel pool ever. A hotel pool. I've gone in two times in my life. I love a hotel pool. I'll do a hotel pool. It's gross. Yeah, burns when you go in, because there's so much chlorine.

It's disgusting. That's the worst. Oh, when you go in, because it's so much chlorine. It's disgusting. That's the worst. Oh, you just go in, your skin turns a different color. Ugh. Yic. I like it. But now there's no reason to over pack like that.

So Christine has no idea how to pack. I pack, I pack three, if it's three days, I do the same t-shirt, true classic. It's my only t-shirt I wear at all times. I one little workout thing. They're gonna have to pay for advertising space Bobby if you're gonna do that two pairs of jeans form they're form fitting without being too tight and a wicking fabric that you'd be so surprised because they they fit

around the shoulders and then they down at the bottom of the gut because I'm a little heavy I was still in loss the weight it is a little looser down there but the true true classic jeans I wear, stretchy jeans. Yes, stretchy jeans. And I have a pair of show shoes. Yeah. Show, you know, a little, little peacockin shoe. And then I have my walking around shoe, my, my, my hocus. I'm very easy. Four pairs of socks. It was like, let's make it a three day weekend. Four pairs of socks. Yep. Just in case. Four pairs of underwear, just in case. I'm not gonna have more than one major underwear sock problem, but I have had both.

I've had both too. But it's never more than one in a weekend. I've done the put on socks and then walked like back towards the bathroom and realized I was like water all over the floor, get that sock wet, to over. So I've had that problem and I've, the only one I can remember fully was in Sacramento with Dave Smith shitting my underwear completely,

violently from Denny's, from Denny's meal. Horrific. Dave got sick too, but he made it to the bathroom first. I didn't make it. Where were you when you shit to, how far were you from? Going down the stairs to the bathroom first. I didn't make it. Where were you when you shit to, how far were you from? Going down the stairs to the bathroom. It was just weird, the hotel in Sacramento,

some of the, when I would bring somebody open for me, their favor was to give me a two floor room. A duplex. A duplex room, it was a bed upstairs and the bed downstairs. Yeah, duplex. Pretty neat overall, but like, uh, yeah, on the way down the stairs to go to the bathroom,

I shit all over myself and those are where we're done. So four and four, uh, three tank tops usually sometimes I get a little OCD last minute or nervous last minute and throw a fourth one in there, especially if I'm like, I'm not gonna trial them on and tank tops are the first to go where you put them on. You're like, oh, they're like stretched out or there's like a side rip or something you don't know about.

So three to four tank tops, three hoodies, only the amount of hoodies of the days I'm going to be there. I won't need more than that. And that's it. My one pair of boots in the bag, knock around shoes I'm wearing, toiletry bag, shoulder bag with all my weed, and baby wipes. Baby wipes? Oh, you're one of those, you're one of those.

What do you do? I wrote. I use toilet paper. Whoa. What do you mean? What's happening? Wow. What are you talking about? I use toilet paper. Yeah, yeah. What do you mean? What's happening? What are you talking about? I used to the paper. What do you mean?

Is it the 1950s? Are you doing that? Does Dawn make you do that so women don't hit on you because you have mud butt? I don't have mud butt. I shit once a day. Me too. I shit in the morning. I have breakfast and I shit.

I'm done. And then I clean my butt and then I'll usually jump in the shower. Yeah but you cleaned it with um with just paper dry paper. I use dry paper and then I'll take a shower and I'll have a clean butt for the rest of the day. Yeah but you don't take a shower after you take a shit. I won't take it like right after but I'll take it. You take it when you start feeling itches that are too far up to do in public. But I'll take it. Eww. You take it when you start feeling itches that are too far up to do in public. But I'll take it before I go do shit.

Yeah. I wipe until there's nothing and then I'll take a- There's more. You dry wipe. Yeah, I dry wipe. You wipe until there's nothing else that's willing to just casually fall off your ass onto a dry piece of paper.

You're not attacking it. I can't, I just know that throwing baby wipes in the toilet is bad. Sure. And I don't want to do that. But you throw the baby wipes in the toilet. Might say flushable. They're not. But it says.

I know it says it, but it's not. Okay, but take me to court because it says though. I know, but they're not. I'm not trying to fuck your pipes up. Now when you're asking me, when I buy a house, if I'll ever throw a baby wipe in there? No, because that's what I'm gonna have,

high-powered pressure wash, ass blasters, like Jacob takes me happy. I have bidets in my house. I love the bidet. But I'm gonna get ones that really, I feel like you guys got these ones where it's like a little sprinkler going in your butt. No.

I want something where it's like, almost you have to cram it up my ass. Like it comes out and fucks my ass and washes me from the inside. If you had mine, you would, it's an enema. Yeah. Water would shoot out your ass. Dude, I get-

Give it to me. I'll go, I've offered you to, for me to install it. I want you to give it to me. Give me yours. I want the one that cleans your butt. I mine is so powerful that I'll poop. I'll be done. And then I hit the button. And then you'll hear and it will go in there like that. That hose mining they do.

And you'll hear another clump just flop out. That was way up. Oh, yeah. It blows out stuff you didn't know was in there. You thought you were done, but you weren't. You weren't. And then a little flomp will come down. Ooh, I love it.

That's what my house will be equipped with in all bathrooms. Yeah. So there's never flushable wipes going down the toilet because I hear they're not flushable. They're not flushable. Right. But they say they are. So you don't care.

And so when I go to hotels, no, no, no. I don't care. I can't go there. In fact, before I'll ask for a plunger, I'll flush and if it gets clogged up with baby wipes, I walk away, let that water settle, give it another foot. I'm gonna go through a bit. Also, sometimes I believe really cranking the handle,

but I can almost flush a few times, creates like natural suction, which is probably not true. Not true, absolutely. But maybe it is fully true. Cause sometimes that does jar it loose and then it all goes. Big flushable wipe wants you to think that it's flushable. But it's not. That's fine.

I believe them until it's inconvenient for me. Well, I would love to, I love you. Five flushable wipes. I love using baby wipes, but I feel bad using them in a hotel because I don't wanna clog it up. Well, we'll just flush them like two at a time. It's, they're flushable.

I know somebody that uses baby wipes and they throw them in the barrel. That's crazy. Good call back on barrel. I heard that. I think Howard Stern was talking to Robin about that one. That's what she does. She wipes ass and throws it in the trash can.

In the trash, yeah. That's insane. Why? I wouldn't live in a place, first of all, I wouldn't live with somebody who thought that was acceptable. If I one day flipped up a can and there was like turd streaked paper in the thing that was Christine's, I'd quietly leave in the night. I wouldn't tell her I'm leaving. I don't want to explain. I don't even want to humiliate her. I go, think about what you've done and you'll figure it out yourself. What you do is you use the baby wipe, use toilet paper, wipe, then use the baby wipe to get the mustard off, right? The little stains. Then you take that baby wipe and wrap it in toilet paper, clean toilet paper, and then you throw that into the trash can. No. No, that's crazy what you're saying. You're using so much paper also.

I lift a cheek now. Thank you everybody for correcting my wipe game. Uh, now I simply lift a cheek and I do about three, four baby wipes, wipes, uh, really until I feel comfortable that I can put a little bit, little fingertip in the hole, scratch that itch. Then I stand up and then the bend over spread cheek clean begins. That's about three, four more wipes. That's fucking nuts. That's like the other problem.

Well, it's not just wipe, Bobby. Relax. Between every wipe, I alternate back and forth with a piece of dry to really get the grip so I can get in there and check. And then sometimes we're just like spots. Spot, because I know it just wasn't perfect yet. And then I know I gotta go up there and fuck my own ass with a wipe-covered finger. And then go back with the dry wipe.

This happens a lot. I get that last dry wipe and I go, oh my god, nothing's on there. That is white up into a double knuckle, uh, the toilet paper. And then I start pulling my pants up and then I go, you know what? The last thing shouldn't be dry. Let me just take one more swipe for no reason with a baby wipe. Slide it up my ass crack. I know there's nothing's on there. Throw it in the toilet. I almost do it to go, look at that dude.

You could use this to wipe your face after you clean my ass with it. My ass is so clean. And then I throw that in the toilet. But why don't you just go dry, dry, dry, till you get it and then do a baby wipe, a baby wipe and a baby wipe. Because that's just mean to your tussy. Can I start it with something?

You don't start with the wipe. You start with dry and end with the wipe. Okay. You guys do it the way you do it. This is coming from the guy that used to stand up to wipe. Okay. Well, maybe less than.

Christine, I promise you, on your best day of your most dire, read out everything inside your body, your asshole is less attractive and less clean than mine at all times. You used to use to wipe like a down syndrome person. Yeah. You stand up and wipe your ass. Yeah. To what age? I think it was deep 30s. Incredible. Yeah. I just stood up, let the sandwich close and then just start cleaning from there. You don't start with white. You start, you start with dry, dry, dry, dry, then white, then dry, and then white.

You can't use- How high do you want me to lift up my ass cheek to get this fucking hand wrapped of toilet paper? Can I stick your hand? I wrap my hand several times. My hand, and then I slide a few fingers out and really just whittle it down to like a finger so I can guide well with the one finger. Can I suggest something?

Jacob, you can suggest whatever you want to me. I'm open to all suggestions. I probably will not change anything. This is for both of you? Sure. A product you don't know about. My brother uses it, takes it on his business trips. Oh, a slave to clean you with a shit stick?

No. Okay. A portable bidet. What? No. It's basically a giant, it's like a giant syringe with a shit stick? No. Okay. A portable bidet. What? No. It's basically a giant, it's like a giant syringe with a tube. Nope.

And you push the plunger and it flushes your asshole. No. No. And then, what? What? That's great. What is that even? Then you have to clean that

because shit's gonna get on it. No, it's never touches your asshole. No, that's insane and no. There's no way. That's what he takes. That's no way. That's what he takes. Your brother's a maniac. Campaign wine, everybody. That is disgusting.

He's cleaner than all of you put together. No, he's not. He's not cleaner than. He's fanatic. Tell your brother to come up here and challenge me to a clean asshole contest. We'll have Bobby finger both of our assholes and I bet mine's cleaner.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, you could wear a glove. A fingerless glove. The finger. The finger. Oh, Bobby, sorry, these are my doctor gloves. That's all I have. I tell you what, Jacob, that's disgusting.

Jacob, I swear to you. It's a thing now. It's not a thing. It would make sense if you crammed this thing up your ass. You don't know how it works. But shooting that from the outside, sure, I'm looking at how it works. It's pretty easy.

It's just a water picking. It's a water bottle, yeah. Come on, man. Why are you opposed to it? Because I don't want, because this is what's gonna happen. You're gonna put it, you're gonna be shitting,

you're done, then you put it on. And then a turd's gonna fall on that. Can I ask him, I'll ask him if that's ever happened. He's 100% he's fanatic clean like me. And if he says no, your brother's also a weirdo and a liar.

Does that make you happy? There's no way, even the day at home has a cleaning thing because a liar. Does that make you happy? There's no way. There's no way. Even the day at home has a cleaning thing because you turd on that. Right. And then it cleans it. There's no way you're going to stick a water pick up your asshole. I haven't used it.

I'm telling you it's a thing you might want to use. You might try for your trips because you're on the road all the time. I have this little narrow ass that's super easy to clean. One Q-tip swipe you can clean that thing. I need hands, mummy wrapped in papers. And then I need a folded over baby wipe. I use the face cloth in the shower. I do that in a hotel.

To clean my butt. Yeah, yeah. I'll do the dry, but I might, if you're saying. I try to put it flat against my butthole the rag And then I try to finger it in a little bit and see if my butthole holds it Like a ghost That looks like there's a little ghost coming at your ass Because someone else this ghost is trying to get up my hands

Oh Nice shooting techs Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'll tell you exactly why and I mean this I've used the cotton owls I've used all the other name brands they use and maybe I have this bag with it I'd have to believe those ones use some chemicals on them that I mean my asshole burns After using these the Kirkland Fleshable wipes come right to your house. They are they're thick like they have good grab to them They don't hurt at all. Whatever's on them is not like a... I like that. Do they make a nice tux? I like a tux.

A medicated pad. No, but preparation H makes wipes. I wouldn't mind one of those just to keep your ass tight. They dry out. Here's the problem is, they tell you a big thing. You only use them when you're worried or you have a little thing going on back there. And then they dry out before you use them again, unless you're a big thing, you only use them when you're worried or you have a little thing going on back there and then they dry out before you use them again,

unless you're a chronic hemorrhoid person. But I've never used more than two or three preparation age wipes and then a year later I go back to the, oh we have them, it's bare dry. No fluid anymore, prep age ones. I like the little round tux. The tux ones. The wrap around your index finger.

Oh yeah. Or the one, I know, I guess what they used to do in the thing, they'd put out, remember tucks would put out a match with it. Yeah. They would go, yeah. Cure the fire. I like putting it around my finger and then sticking,

making my ass can do it like a musket. Just pushing it in like a bullet. Oh, and I've taken the preparation H suppository and you really do, I think I get it now why girls feel sexy wearing a butt plug all day. I feel like I have a naughty secret. Tell that story where he's the, where you had to hide the girl to poop on him and he called her. He's like, you sure you're good.

She's like, no, I'm good, daddy. And then she showed up and she pooped it was it was wet and then a little bullet came out oh the supposatory came out rolled on the ground next to him and he realized what a piece of shit he was he's like is that a crayon oh god it was a moment in his life. Yeah. That's why they have witch hazel on them, which is probably stings like a mother. Oh, it feels good. It's the opposite.

Oh, it's opposite. You know, they use that in Hollywood under people's eyes. Puts out fires. As it takes the wrinkles. It takes the swelling from under your eyes. Yeah. I start witch-hazling my face like an old lady. Mmm.

Take a tux. You can put tux right under your eyes before a show. You don't tux under your eyes. You can tux under your eyes. No, there's hemorrhoid stuff on it too. Yeah, the preparation. I'm gonna put a preparation H for like depuffing. Yeah, they use it in the Hollywood all the time.

For the makeup lady, she'll put preparation H under your eyes and the swelling goes away. If you have baggy eyes. Ask if you could use your tux pads, because I'll buy tux this weekend, and this weekend I'll see if anyone notices how good my eyes look because I have fucking tight asshole eyes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha tux pads. Same shit. Well, I'm buying the tux ones because I went a little circle pads because they look like the things I

actually use on my face, which are Noxima. Use Noxima. But I use but funny enough, I use those pads. I always take a swipe of my asshole at the end with it. Because I feel you might have this similar effect. Oh my god. But I'll tell you what, if my assholes tender, it's thingies back there when you do that. Yeah. Your sundries bag is like a 19 year old girl's fucking. Oh, it's all over the place.

Do you have fingernail polish? No, but I do have a nail file slash buffer slash shinier. Why do you have a buffer? For my nails. You buff your nails? Yeah, couple reasons. One, I smoke, so the nails on my right, where I smoke mostly my right hand,

like the nails get like discolored, I feel like looking so, you file them, then they're not, you pick them up. So I clean them like that. And then also, I bit my nails my whole life, down to like nothing. Like little numb, when people would see close up pictures, like how did I never notice that's creepy and looks awful.

I can't bite my nails anymore. So. Why can't you bite, cause you teeth. Teeth. So you, you, you bit your nails up into your teeth. Yeah. Wow. Well you stopped for like a year.

I stopped for like a year. Why'd you stop? I was just gonna see if I could stop and I just did. Ooh. And then a pandemic hit, took them right back off again. But um. I'm not finding it for tucks like preparation age. Damn, I'm sorry.

It says it can be an astringent for your face, but not de-swelling. God, I'm just trying to get my ass up. My asshole is tight. First of all, I wasn't invited to your house, which is kind of insulting. I didn't know you were having a party. I had no party. I would have loved't invited to your house, which is kind of insulting. I didn't know you were having a party. I had no party.

I would have loved to come to your house. If I had a party, you'd be my first invite. A party? What does a party consist of? More than? More than Isabella, her roommate, and Josh. Yeah, more than a pizza. Two orders of chicken wings.

More than your kid and your Josh. I had a, I had a, one of those football blocks. Yeah. Yeah. The boxes. But I could have won, I think it was $130,000 if I won. If you win the whole thing. If I, if I got my, whatever the points were at the end and all as I needed was San Fran instead of kicking that field go to get a touchdown and I would have won a Fran instead of kicking that field goal to get a touchdown and I would have won a fucking lot of money.

Damn. A lot of money. Did anybody bet yesterday? Lou? Boxes, I would have won too if San Fran would have scored a touchdown there. And fucking, yeah. What would you have won?

Three grand. Oh, you wouldn't be here today. I would have won. I think I would have won. Lou lose rich. That's a few money. He's gonna go buy a $1,500 car from his cousin that runs a used auto lot and start fucking head and west, dude. Follow the fucking Pearl Jam like you always dreamed. Later. You got $1,500 in your pocket, dude. Lou loves, it's no joke, his love for Pearl Jam, because you know, I follow him if he's like three Eddie Vedder posts a day well no when he gets drunk he gets drunk and then he starts just looking up and I could tell he's googling words like cool picture of

Eddie Vedder and then he posts it we just know real words it's just like Eddie Vedder looking cool to him and I know Lou outside shot has his pants maybe not to his knees but definitely to his thighs he He's batting around, he's touching it, and seeing maybe he's gonna knock it around a little bit. I'm a sober when I do that. But man, I mean, it's no joke. I'm happy that you're into, you love the band that much, but I mean, he's the number one spokesman for them.

Yeah, he's definitely, I'm not a fan of anybody like that. Every day is a story right now. fan of anybody like that every day. It's a new story right now There's three of those a day, you know, it's funny Louis J. Gomez goes way too far with his also He's hypocritical because I know he's fans of many men But about the fanship of another guy But yeah, I don't know if I could be this into another dude. I can't he's singing father Father and Son with Cat Stevens, and I was there. Yeah, yeah. Are you taking that video?

Is that your video? No. You do a three-camera shoot and edit it together? You were taking one, though, for sure. Definitely. You have your version of it, too. You're holding it up there. He's singing Fathers and Sons with Cat Stevens.

Yeah, no, sure. I just mean, you check in with the goings on of Eddie Vedder every day. Yes, I'm saying. Have you met him at all? It's work. It's no, I've not met him. Have you come close?

Not even close. So do madam. That's as close as you got. That's not good. I'll tell you who he has met. A lot of security guys that don't want him to go back there. No, no, no, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. No, it's okay. no, no, no, it's okay. It's okay.

I know. No, it's okay. No, it's okay. No, no, no, it's okay. I know. Why can't you get like you work at serious? Why can't you get close? Why can't you get they barely gave him a ticket to the concert

that was by serious XM? I had to sneak into the Apollo to see them. Who was who was just with them who met him? Oh, Carlton. My Calton met him. Yeah. Yeah. And Joe List almost met him. Yeah.

He's the same as me. Who's friend? Isn't there a comic that's friends with him? I mean, Craig Gass will probably say he's friends with him. We shouldn't meet him. Craig Gass may have stayed at one of their houses for a couple months or something. Craig is good friends with Mike McCready, the lead guitarist. There you are. There you go.

I met Mike McCready and his story holds water because he backed it up. He said, yeah, he's a dear friend of mine. But you don't know what Mike McCready eats for, what kind of cereal he eats every day for breakfast like you do with Eddie Vedder. But you don't, he doesn't eat cereal. He can't, he's allergic to grains. Are you that much of a fan that you know what he likes?

I know what kind of wine he drinks and I know what kind of butsy rips. Oh yeah? What? American spirits. Do you know which direction he likes to tilt his head when he kisses? No, but I'm going to find out. Do you know if he uses baby wipes or not?

You know that about me? Why are you not posting about me every day? Back to that, I still stand when I wipe. I still don't even know what you're talking about. Before you, when you take a shit. Yeah. Before you do any wiping, you stand up I wipe. I still don't even know what you're talking about. Before you, when you take a shit. Yeah. Before you do any wiping, you stand up. No. Yeah.

No, you butt, you mush your butt cheeks together and poop. It's really come at me hard when I was doing that and they're right. You are squishing the sandwich before you clean out the meat, you know what I mean? Yeah, dude. So what? That's disgusting.

There's more work. You're making much more work for yourself. You think Eddie does that? Oh, look at that. Wow. Right next to him. They look like they're friends. Lou, what's your fire sign? How come you can't meet him?

I don't know. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. I'll probably make a drunk fool out of myself anyway. I'm glad I haven't met him. Yeah, he shouldn't meet him. I don't know, dude. I saw him meet the Sklar Brothers and have a fucking tickle fit. I folded like a deck of cards in front of Gavin Rossdale, so I don't want to do that to Eddie. I forget what he did. I forget what the Sklar Brothers said, but it was something where you remember.

He's like, oh yeah, I remember that. It was bizarre. You have to stop standing up and wiping your ass. It was bizarre. You have to stop standing up and wiping your ass. That's disgusting. Yeah, stop. We can save you some time. I used to do it too. How do I do it then?

You lift a cheek. You lift one cheek up. You lift one cheek. You lift a cheek up. This way it keeps that other cheek is still being stretched away and you can get under and you take a few swipes like that. How did you not get this lesson? This is how I was taught, I don't know.

By who? By who? Yeah. Who would have? My mom. And dad. Taught you to stand up, to wipe your ass. Yeah.

To stand up first and wipe your ass? Then maybe that's what happened, because I had a single mom. That may have been why that was me too. I'm teaching Max to get on all fours. Lie nice. To wipe his ass. And let someone else do it. Yeah. Yeah.

Me and his mom do it. And we videotape it. With the stick. Yeah. With the chop and stick. Yeah. Get in there, scrape it. Yeah dude, you gotta, you gotta,

you take a wipe first, you pick your cheek up, you reach from behind. Who's all Mr. Wipes now? Well, I told you, I don't want to use the wipes because I don't want to fuck up like the world. You get a diaper genie and put them there.

You're not fucking up the world. What's a diaper genie? You're only possibly fucking up the septic tank of that one place you're at. What's a son? You don't, you didn't have a diaper genie? Oh, from back in the day. Oh yeah, yeah, no, no, we had a diaper genie.

I thought you meant take it on the road. Back in the day, you were in your 40s. No, I thought you meant, I thought you was like, take a diaper genie on the road. Like I'm gonna fucking travel with one. That would be the only acceptable way to throw him out, I think. I still couldn't go into the bathroom and take a piss

knowing that there's a sausage link of me, Christine, and any guest turds we have just twisted up into little balls in a big bag and a barrel next to you We are super right before we left East Village told us that we couldn't flush wipes anymore remember that oh He said that way early, so I just knew whenever we called the super and I would just not have the wipes in the bathroom Well, we flushed when we first moved into our house And then I had to pay $700 for a plummet to come out and take it out and he was all like, dude, you can't, you can't put these down there. Right.

I would not make that mistake with my own place I'm paying for. Yeah. A bidet at home makes sense, but why not take the wipes on the road with you? That's exactly. Well, because I know they're not flushable and it says- Oh, and you're super worried about the courtyard and the area and the fucking- I, I, you're right. That's why I think I'll take them.

I just, They don't care about you. Do you see how dirty the fucking tubs are in hotels too? First of all, the crew guy does care about me. I have a lot of points with them. That's probably a gross ass portable today. Word best from my brother. No, it never gets on the wand part

because the spray is angled diagonally away from it so it mimics the home version. He shoves it up his ass. You guys home version. He shoves it up his ass. You guys love duty. He shoves it up his own ass. Lou, I'm telling you, you're gonna come back to us though and say it is a life change. It's pretty crazy.

When you lift that cheek and do the wipe, when you stand up, it's such a less time consuming issue. Yeah, wipe more. Just wipe more. But you're getting rid of that base layer before it smushes all up on your butt cheeks. It gets into the hairs and shit. Lou, your asshole is going to be different colors, like the crust of the earth. Because

it's going to be white and then yellow and then a little orange and then brown and then dark. From the years you mush in your shit and your cheeks. And I think in both my parents work in medical field, it's called shit ass. Yeah. Shit ass. Shit ass. It's called shit acetitis.

Well, I gotta have a- I hate to speak Latin, but both my parents are learned. I don't wanna meet any better with a shit ass. I know, I know. Maybe you're right, I have to get a colonoscopy, so we'll see. Oh, I can't, do you ever got one before? No.

So you have a lot of shit on the middle of your butt cheeks. Yeah, you don't want people to look it in your little, cause you have a white ass. Thank you. And the inside of your ass must be a different color. The prep for the colonoscopy is the worst. Is the got loo. It's the best.

Well you're drinking liquids and just shitting your. You're drinking Gatorade and then you shit everything out and you feel fantastic. And then they give you Michael Jackson juice and you take the best nap you've ever taken. Oh, my... Fenton a fistfuck. Oh, you're on your side and there's a bunch of cute nurses around and you have ding-dings hanging out and it's like one, two. And then you wake up, hey.

Andy Fiora was waiting for me after my call on colonoscopy but oh he was there for me he was like Jacob you were what I can only describe as very accepting Lou real question even though it's a dumb hypothetical. Eddie Vedder wants to do gay shit with you. Do you do it? Or does that make you not a fan anymore, or you're angry at him, or whatever? No, I don't do it. You don't do it?

No. Do you say something like, as much as it pains me to say this, Eddie, I just can't do it. If I didn't do it for Big Chris and Little Brian, How do guys then you try to get at this tussi and they failed? What if he wanted to take you into his bus and just lie in his bed with you and watch videos?

Lou, I get lonely on the road and I just want someone to spoon with and watch a movie. Well, you come back here and lie in my queen bed in the back of the bus. I mean, you have to put your arm around him, but you have to go under his arm. I could do that. If he rests his head on your chest.

Would you stop posting about him if you knew that he wanted to take you? It would change the way I listen to the music. I don't think I would like it. You'd like it more? How many said he just wants to lift your shirt and kiss your belly? Get in line, to the music. I don't think I would like it. You'd like it more? How many say they just want to lift your shirt and kiss your belly? Get in line, get in line.

Who does it? He just wants to tummy kiss you. Just give you a couple, just a... I'm not falling for that again. What if he wanted to wrestle you just tidy whities? Nothing bad. Just a wrestle. Nothing gay, no sex, but like, look,

if the tidy way's getting knocked to the side and someone's drag falls out Yeah, just what if he wanted to do soft jiu-jitsu with you and tidy whities I was hanging out with a gay dog this weekend, and it's uncomfortable How do you know he's a gay dog cuz he gets a bowler? Look at himself because he smiled every time you sucked his dick You suck this dick This dog was loving it I can't come if they love it it does look like lipstick the controls what makes gets me off Would you go to a romantic dinner with Eddie like if you wanted to take you out to a fancy restaurant?

But candlelight wine no sex you have to hold hands during dinner. Yeah, I'd lead them on Yeah, you would you would like that you would let him on would you walk take a walk with him in like Paris along the river definitely? Yeah, maybe a gondola ride Hmm, would you Venice would you take a gondola ride in Venice? Yes, you'd start smoking again with Eddie. Yes Yeah, he's gonna do gay shit you think smoking Yeah, he's gonna have to smoke while he sits there and fucking lets the blood drip out of his asshole in a hot shower. What have I done? Oh man, those songs don't make no sense no more.

Oh. Yeah, they make all the sense in the world. Oh, ow, God, he's thick. What if he was going to kiss you goodbye and he went for your lips and he wanted to just give you a soft Little hey, Lou. I had a great time They soft catch on would you let him soft give on the lips? No soft just like a Richard Dawson like he comes like us

Like Italians do like like yeah I did a little bit of a son. It's a little bit open, but it ends in a peck But your lips have already like crossed paths. Yeah, like they stuck together from the the hotness of it. Yes. That kind of kiss. I don't know. I'd have to see it in a moment.

Would you interlock your hands? He's it for sure on that. I'll do that right now. Would you do it on a plane though, like in first class? If you got nervous because there was turbulence and he says, can you hold my hand, Lou? Would you hold his hand? Yes. If he came home, and you were in the bedroom,

and he came in and took his shirt off, and he was looking in the mirror at himself, and he said, I'm so tired, Lou. Would you go up behind him and put your arms around his waist and kiss, like, in the middle of his back between his shoulder blades and go, you give so much to those people why don't you take some time for you no you're gay get away you really you pull away what if he asked you to tie his sneakers but he was only wearing you

like underwear okay that's not bad if he was like Luke can you help me with these sneakers and he was just in underwear that can you help me with these sneakers? And he was just in underwear. Well, that is tricking me. Yes, I'll fall for it. You would do it. Okay, great. What if he goes, oh, Lou, sorry, I put my kilt on before I put on my shoes. I'm gonna sit down. Would you mind putting on my shoes, my buckled shoes with my kilt? Oops, oops, doodles. Did you just see my weirdo is my weirdo

showing oh man you saw my god in you would you what if he was like hey you're at the beach and he's like let's go let's go take a swim and he took all his clothes off would you take your clothes off too or would you jump in with just your underwear on just Just my underwear. Boy, he's like, he's like, no, come on, Luke, come on, get a little loose, man. This is what it is. This is why you never find the music in yourself. You're holding on.

And then he went under, but he came up right in front of you. And you felt his head brush along your ding-ding as he was coming up. Hey, Luke, looks like the cold water didn't do much to soften you up. It's refreshing. What if he started whispering, even flow. You would never do that. In your ear. You both make it in the ocean.

The moonlight's coming down. You could pick a better song. Yeah, like, rarer song. Something nobody else in the world likes. If this song was better, it would have been a single. It's not the 90s, it's the singles. What if you're in the ocean and he came up and you're both naked and he came up out of the water and he said, can I whisper my new song lyrics in your ear, Lou? And tell me what you think.

Yes. You would let him do that. I would. What if he goes, if you don't suck my dick, I'm going to make exclusively ukulele solo records. Well, what happened? Ukulele songs are great. So you're fine with that?

Yes. You'll deny the world from Pearl Jam hits. Just because you just you want to suck one dick one time wow Lou I'll be honest with you I'm doing it for eight years nine years now and this is the most selfish I've ever heard you I love all this because there's got to be levels oh there's a lot of be levels there's got to be levels. Oh, there's a lot of be levels There's got to be something where Lou goes. I'll do that really quick. They lose me a favor I'd like to be watched when I masturbate completion Just get just honestly make eye contact me. Don't touch me or nothing

All right, look, I know I said before you don't have to touch me or nothing Just put your hand on my shoulder for a little bit taking me forever to come just seeing you I'm hungry for you I just go a lot quicker if you just put your mouth near it to come just seeing you I'm hungry for you I just go a lot quicker if you just put your mouth near it just put your mouth near it and hum some of my lyrics just let me feel like your nostril breath just hitting the shaft it reminds me of my dog that died oh rusty that's right I miss you so much rusty come on dude give me a little more more heat on that just hold one of my nuts that's the only way I could come that's the only way I could come. That's the only way I could lose

Yeah now smoke Now smoke cigarettes also What if he told you he would only smoke a cigarette with you if you did gay shit with him What a conundrum you want to smoke, but you know you shouldn't you don't want to do gay stuff But you think you might be willing to what a conundrum Man I'd never that's it make me feel like I don't love a band enough Did you check in with everything you're like before I get back? So let me see what's fucking the old V-man says about this No, but I do vote for whoever he votes for. He is smarter than me.

He does his research. He is not smarter than you. He is smarter than you. He is smarter than you. He helps people. He helps nobody. He does. Who does he help?

They raised 30 billion for homeless people in Seattle two years ago. Me and Jake. Did you guys raise any money for anybody ever? We raised fucking 30,000 this weekend for homeless people in Seattle. Me and Jay, you guys raised any money for anybody ever? We raised fucking 30,000 this weekend for homeless people in fucking Chicago. So they're you piece of shit. Why would you follow good people that know more about he helped you?

Jay, shut up. Jay helped the- Does the word girl jam mean come? Because it should. Jay helped a middle-aged man with what to wear and how much shit to pack this weekend Oh, yeah, now you would have had Josh going on repair the shoes if I didn't step Don't hate him don't hate him

Fucking obsess over your asshole and your fucking duty. Don't get mad. Your duty life. Don't get mad. This is misdirected anger. Your whole world is shit. This is misdirected anger because you are gay love for a man. Hey, yell at your, yell at your, your masters here.

Don't take it out on me. You can't do it, can you? Yell at Jay and Bobby. I want to see you do it. Why would you yell at anybody? Why are you yelling at anybody? I don't know. You're just seeing hypotheticals. Bobby, Bobby, Bobby. I was praising him.

I love the music of Marilyn Manson. Ask me one of these kind of rhetorical questions. Jay, if Marilyn Manson was going to lose weight and get sexy again and go back on tour and take you with him, but he needed you to lie naked with him in a bed and jerk him off. Nope. No. Days are past me, man. It's no big deal.

Ask me. Bobby. Yes. If no more Garcia power said the Boston legends. Yes, I would. Yes, I would. I would. I would.

I thought Tom Brady. I'll suck his dick. If Mickey Ward. Yes, I'll suck his dick. Okay. Bobby, see that? There's two different ends of the spectrum, and then we don't have to worry about it.

I was complimenting what a mega fan you were. Yeah, you're their best fan. I don't give a flying fuck, Jerry. Go shoot water up your asshole. Maybe I will. I will. You're a mega fan. Now that's gay.

Go stand up and wipe your ass, you're the pancake shit out of your asshole. Stop thinking about it every second. Are you wrestling? Are you wrestling with yourself? Cause you don't like how much you've thought you realized in this moment, you will do gay stuff with Eddie Vedder.

I won't. Did that moonlight swim get to you? That really, that would have been. Is that what happened when he popped up in front of you? When he popped up. Nobody is gay. And his little shaggy hair glazed your ding dong. No, cause he went down and you like,

you got nervous that he might need, like he's drowning or something. He didn't come back up quick enough. And then all of a sudden he's right in front of you and you feel his shaft rubbing to your shaft. Or there's a drone shot that shows his body just like laid out like this, just fucking floating into your wiener.

Can I ask you a question? And you go, oh, oh. Oh. If he drowned and then you had to bring him back on shore, but he was naked, would you give him mouth to mouth to bring him back to life? Yeah, if he, you know, if he was dying, yeah. Would you 69 and back to life?

Yeah. Because I hear honestly, if you block his mouth with your dick and you block his nostrils with your ball bag and you blow air into his wiener, it's the same as doing regular things. As long as the hole going into your body, I'm pretty sure the science lines up on that.

It shoots the water out of your mouth, it's connected. Lou, would you suck his dick to prove that science was right that I just said? Even though you could just give him regular mouth to mouth, would you see if it actually works better if you plug his nose with your ball bag? Reject this down. Plug his nose with your ball bag.

Look, write this down, write this down. Plug his mouth with your cock, and then you blow hard into his weenus while you put a finger over his butthole. Is there a day that goes by that we don't talk about cocks on this show? No. Yes.

No. He's right there. Why don't you read the log line on the app? What if you not check the new app? Listen to old friends Discuss cock in those me re out of ways. I love that Lou lashes out when he wants to get it off him He snaps it you guys are all dicks. This show sucks I didn't say it sucks. I just I mean talk about Cox all you want, but now you're putting them in my mouth

No, we're asking you know no, no, no. No one put one in your mouth. We asked if you would put it in your mouth to make sure there was another Pearl Jam. And it's not any cock. We're talking about one special dick that you've thought of. I've never thought of a cock. You've never thought of what his penis looks like ever, what he looks like naked? No.

Have you ever seen him without a shirt? Yes. If, is he good? Is it good? Yeah, it's okay. If he had cancer, would you green-mile it out of him with his dick and you'd have to suck it out of his dick with your mouth and then go And then all the and then the cancer flies in the atmosphere and dissipates. Lou, you're not listening.

Maybe. The cancer. Yeah. Oh, look at any vetters. Bod. When was that long time ago? Not recent. That tattoo is recent.

Isn't it? Now that's very long time ago. Yeah, he still looks pretty good though. That's when he was all heroin down. It was not ever on heroin. Yeah. How do you know? Was that pillow talk?

I just know. Um, I mean, everyone around him did heroin. We, how do you know? Was that pillow talk? I just know. I mean, everyone around him did heroin. We have to get him. Your band's do heroin. We have to get him. We have to get Lou to meet him. Lou, you have to meet him. You can't go through this life just lurking around like this.

And I promise if he comes in, and Lou, I promise, seriously, that we know this, I don't sandbag my friends. If you come in, we will talk about all the gay things that you'll do to spend time with them. So don't worry, we're not gonna leave that out. I know you freeze up and you wanna tell him that you're willing to suck his cock to make sure there's another album,

and that you wish you could hold him and kiss his back from behind and make him feel good when he feels down. Yeah, don't forget the light jiu-jitsu in your underwear. I want that more than anything because I know how happy it's going to make him. And I also how giddy you're going to. My first question, Eddie Vedder, who's Lou voting for this year? I don't know.

We got to take a break. What's wrong with voting? Robert Kelly is going to be a comics, Mohegan Son and Connecticut. That's March 7th through the 9th. After that, Poughkeepsie, New York, Houston, Texas, the comedy mothership in Austin, Texas. It's all coming up. It's all getting real. I'm going this week too.

Friday night I'm gonna play the comedy store, LA. Oh nice. I gotta go to LA to film something on Saturday and I'm gonna play the comedy store, which I haven't played in 10 years. How long you staying in LA for? Two days. And then I go on vacation with the fam. Gotcha. Yeah, so. So if you're in LA for? Two days. Oh. And then I go on vacation with the fam.

Gotcha. Yeah, so. Ah. So if you're in LA, come and see me at the... Yeah, Friday night at the old county store. Which room, you know? I have no idea. I just put a vales in.

So, and Big J, you're gonna be in Chicago, the improv. That's a big awesome room. Huge room. Any feathers from there? Chicago. If he comes by, I'll let him know what you want to do with him. This weekend, Friday and Saturday the 16th and 17th. Saturday sold out.

Nice. That's a big room, kid. I don't know why this is actually wrong. Listed up here. Saturday sold out already. Low tickets for Friday. Sunday show still open. There's one Sunday show.

You have a Sunday show. One Sunday show. Just for laughs in Vancouver. Still weakening to that. And then Nashville, Kansas City, for all tickets and tour dates,, Big J comedy.com and don't forget me and Big J tummy the tummy time tour. Tummy time tour. Paramount in Huntington, New York Thursday March 21st one show, 8 p.m. Do we know the ticket sales? Oh yeah low. Is it? I mean low ticket warning

No, no, I gotta get the counts actually but no, it's doing good people were messaging me showing me like you know But buying tickets and stuff. So it's gonna be a fucking amazing show. We have some friends out there with us also Make it a fucking night to come hang out with the boys of the bonfire tell me time tour Paramount Huntington, New York Thursday March 21st 8 p.m. As he said also that we March 24th If you're dicking around in Brooklyn, I'm gonna do that black show I think I want to go to that. I really want you to come and it should be filmed. Yeah without a doubt I would love to see I want some fans to come but I really also want to be a mostly drawn like black crowd from Ray Dejean. So, I'm gonna talk about the half time when we come back.

I mean, that is, the commercials were wild. The commercials were so nuts. There was some wacky shit for sure. Jesus was up in front. Mark Wahlberg and Jesus together. Yeah, what does it do to Josh and Marcia? Jesus got a budget. We'll be right back everybody.

It's the Bonfire. Hey everybody, thanks for listening. That was just a portion of our actual Serious XM radio show. If you want the whole thing, go to seriusxm.com slash bonfire for a special offer. That's right. And go to bigjcomedy.com and robberkellylive.com to check out our stand updates coming to a city near you. Crackle, crackle, crackle.