The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Fat Smarts

Episode Date: March 21, 2023

Bob relives his fat days and asks Jay to help him cheat on his wife!

I'm Bobby Kelly. And it's Big J. Okerson. We're actually a full radio show on Series XM. For full episodes of The Bonfire, you can listen on... What is the SXM? Yeah, Series XM. You can say Series XM. Thank you very much.

For full episodes of The Bonfire, you can listen on the SMX app. Say Series XM. Serious XM! You can listen on the SerX app. Say, series XM. You can listen on the serious XM app. Go to seriesexm.com slash Bonfire for a special offer. And now, the Bonfire with Big J. Okerson and Robert Kelly dead. I'm not a move move.

I'm not a move move. I'm not a move move. Yeah, bodies, the Bonfire,action Talk, Series 6 and 103. We are back with you! Big Joe Berson, Robert Kelly, the number 8669691969. I like a little engagement. What a little engagement this week. 8669691969, if you want to talk to us,

and all the whole crew is fucking here. We're listening to some, oh, it's my part. I want to do just outs parts all bass time Whoa What a week first day of the week we're bizzac Both on the road this weekend both both in the road this weekend you were in Salt Lake City You tell wise guys Friday and and Saturday I love Friday and Saturday. Yeah I mean although I am starting to feel I did a Friday Saturday too. I got one coming up again a few it is nice but there is something

the turnaround is weird. The turnaround is weird you're ending you're out. You really like you sleep maybe Saturday but if you don't if you wake up early Saturday your weekends kind of out of whack. Out of whack, but I liked it. I liked you come in, you do the shows, and then you get one day. And then you back, and you back to your house, and it was nice because you give,

you know, that Thursday is always a... But it is also nice to have the one show night where you can throw it all at that show. I'd have no point of the night where I'm going. Did I say this to this crowd already? Like, am I repeating myself? Someone in the audience helped me please? I had a bad gas, dude. Oh, yeah. I had a real problem. I had something happen to me that's never happened in my life. I grabbed a thing called protein chips. I don't know. it was at the JetBlue terminal, JFK. You know, they have that big thing

where you just grab stuff. Yep, and it said protein chips. Sea salt, you got me. You put sea salt on dog shit, I'm gonna buy some. Give it a shot. Give it a shot. Sea salt on anything. Sea salt, I'm in, I bought it, and I slow rolled it all day.

The flight I had some, you know, cause I have the old banana stomach. How big are these chips? Are they potato chips? They look like a chip. It looked like a chip on Sesame Street. Like a prop chip. It didn't look like a chip, but if you looked at it,

it looked like cardboard or something. It's very, what do you call that? Synthetic. Synthetic, non-textural. Is that a word? Non-textural? I think it is. Non-textural. Yes, prop. No, that's not them. Yeah, they-textural. Is that a word? Non-textural? I think it is. Non-textural.

Yes, pro-tune. No, that's not them. Yeah, they're not tortillas, though, Christine. Do your head of your ass. I mean, what's happening? I don't know. It's going to be more over there. Her back feels a little better, I think.

It's getting crazy. Dude, I took these chips. I got such bad gas. First show, half hour before the show, it felt like I had to poop. Like I had to go bad like cramps And every time I went in it was just toots But toots might not even be the right word for it. These were thumps. It was more

There's more trumpet like yeah, it was so bad that I couldn't stop laughing because I was I mean I know the comics were in the other room. I mean there's no way they're not here me and it was so loud Jay and it was every eight minutes. I had to run were in the other room. I mean, there's no way they're not here to me. And it was so loud, Jay, and it was every eight minutes. I had to run back in and just... Rebass. And I should... But you sit on the bowl every time? I thought, poop, I knew, I was like,

poop's gonna come out. Never. It was all toots. Toots, no poops. Protein chips. Protein chips. I don't know, dude. It had to be... The protein shake gave you a wall up in here

Gave me a wall up in here, but the protein. Thank God. I didn't take those chips before I came in here I mean Jake Jacob would I mean he would not talk to me now you leave that shit out there and salt Lake dude Let those Mormons deal with it. I sent you a I sent you a clip I was and you never responded. I was kind of sad I didn't I just like you got lost in the shuffle of text but it's hilarious no, but we do have it Do you have it? I believe Christine do you have it? The fart I have it the far says you'd be sent to the group right? I think so but I have yeah

I have it you're ready. You want to hear it? You sure you do straight old school on the microphone This was I did this for you Ready I have it, you ready? You want to hear it? Sure. You just threw straight old school on the microphone. This was, I did this for you. Ready? I love it. What, here it goes, ready? That's fantastic. Dude, that, I mean... You know, it's a loud long fart when when you hear the fart when his when the fart was over I went I feel like I'm I'm lighter now oh god I know that's all good dude it was I mean it was, I mean, it was, I was hysterically, by myself. Do you ever laugh while you're farting makes it fun because then your fart takes on your laugh

because you're pushing, you know, huh? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha No smell. I mean, I don't know. At least not it wasn't you know if it's something you know if it's bad It would know because I believe and I'm not a scientist I'm not a said but I I'm not a scientist. I'm not a scientist, but I I believe I'm a professional Father I believe I farted 10,000 hours in my life and I have your comedian Your comedian was draws more like attention to your fart. Oh there it is. Yeah, I'm thinking about it. And I believe that the little farts are the smelly ones. Yeah, they tend to be. And these ones, these little musicians, these little orchestra poops, little toots that are coming out.

That's, there's no smell in that. That's pure. That's just an air that's stuck in there. This is... This is... Bobbi's coming, raise the bridge. Raise the bridge. I think they're before they fight. We are one! We fight together!

Are you with me? No, it's funny. This week in Louisville, I got some of my new sweatshirts in and one of them I got just as slut on it. I thought it was hilarious. It's great. One, I brought two shirts. One said slut. The other one is a Marilyn Manson, Learx says, when I'm God, everyone dies. And that's all I brought. So I had to refly in my flying out shirt because I'm like,

can't go to the airport with shirts, this slut, more importantly, wore my slut shirt, expecting to get, the Marilyn Manson, I thought we'd just go by the wayside, people who know, no, if they don't, who cares. Slut, this is gonna be a hit, like my reading is gay shirt. Do you know what I'm like? It's gonna be, that one person,

not one person can know if my slut shirt, not one human one person, not one person, no, it's my slut shirt. Not one human being with that was like, ah, it's funny. You know why? Why? Because you're a slut. I guess I'm just a slut. It's just a little slut. You're a little slut boy.

Don't shame me. No, that's a good thing. It's not time for that. People looking at you. It's a little dirty slut. Yeah, you get a little slut by the way. It's just a little cum, those cum catchers. A little cum onings.

Oh yeah. With the ranges drizzlezzled right off, I rain at some circles. It's good, it's good, it's good. On my way out, on the airport, I bumped into Mateo. Mateo, I bumped into him at the airport once too. Like, Gaze fly a lot.

They fly, but they don't use the plane, they use their arms. You don't just fly on the wings of love the way I thought. No, you he created a rainbow. By a somatail, but for a second, how good looking to see though. Just a good looking guy. Fantastic body. He wears moms jeans and his his asses. Yeah, you'd be so lucky if you were gay to fuck that guy. I mean, you should be so lucky. Annie knows opera. Annie can draw.

Oh, yeah, he's also a great artist. Great artist. Yeah, and that Denver comedy works condo, where you have the little thing that you can do art on there. What? They give you in the condo, there's little canvases. Yeah.

And they encourage the comedians to know a bunch of art supplies. To do whatever they put them up on the wall of the thing, like we're children. I got one up there. Did you do it? Yeah. Did Ari do it with his asshole? Ari definitely did one. I forget what it is.

Blood is a weird... Probably a weird... It's blood pissing calm. He really went all the way with it. He's a real artiste. Yeah. The three stages of his weekend, blood pissing come. But I saw on the way home. I was at the airport and went there. I sat with my headphones on.

And then my buddy John, who's gonna be on later this week, who opens for me in the road. John Carden came to the airport. I don't know why he didn't come to the airport with me. He showed up while I was sitting at my gate. And he came in the bullshit withen came to the airport. I don't know why he didn't come to the airport with me. He showed up while I was sitting at my gate, and he came in the bullshed with me for a few minutes. And then I saw across the thing, that's a bad thing at all. Colin, the guitar player from the village underground. Yeah, Colin used to have ponytails.

Yeah, he's this guitar player amazing. Irish for you, Irishie guy. Yeah, amazing. I mean, I saw him and we called out, I'm like, oh, hey, he came over and sat with us. Now, it's not that. That was fine because it was only five minutes before we were getting on the plane.

Sure. But the pressure I feel, we weren't sitting near each other at all, it didn't matter. I slept the whole flight. But I immediately feel burdened by bumping into somebody I know, like out and about. What are you talking about? Like, I feel like the burden, like, I get like nervous

that I'm like, do I, we have to like talk the whole time? Like we have to talk the whole, me and Nate flew to get, we were like, hey, we're both going back to Nashville from New York. We should fly to get it. It's a great, we're leaving idea, you know? And then he changed his flight and we get on the same flight. And then I'm like, man, I always sleep on flights.

But now me and Nate are gonna have to talk the whole time. And I felt like I kept talking the whole time. And it was 25 minutes left in a flight and it's like, I'm actually pretty tired, man. I actually kicked out for a little bit. I was like, oh, have I been keeping you? I thought, I'm doing what you wanna do. We could just went on here

and slept on each other's shoulders for the whole time. Yeah, dude, just go to sleep. I mean, I mean, I remember when I went to Iraq with Colin, I think that's like, I know, seven hour flight or something, and he went to Germany. And he didn't say a word to sleep. I mean, I mean, I remember when I went to Iraq with Colin, I think that's like, I know, seven hour flight or something, you know, to Germany. And he didn't say a word to us. I mean, a word. I mean, not what he put a hoodie on,

and then he was gone. Good for him. For the whole flight, didn't say a word until we got to Germany, and then he got a, of some type of dry biscuit, and the tea was going on. I went, I went to, it was cross country, San Diego. It was New Year's, I think,

when I was going out to San Diego and I got the lay down flight and I get in my, and I see at the terminal, we're not in the lounge, Jared Fried. Who I love, let's be part clarius. Yeah. Great dude, we pervol We propulsion in there for a few minutes And I'm like where you headed same city as me. Oh boy. We're going to play that go. Oh, that's cool same flight. Yep

Okay, we kind of split ways and then I go to the gate I get on I'm in row one seat whatever a you know a and There's an empty seat next to me, and all I'm thinking about is like, of all seats, just don't let that be, Jeffrey. No, because I don't love the guy. You love me, he's a little boxy, but you love him.

I wanna lay down. I wanna lay down and not remember this flight for one second. Yeah. And then he's like, oh, look at that. It's like some right there. But so even worse, I kind of said, I love these laid-down flights, because I'm prepping. I love these laid-down flights, because you know, I can sleep the whole time. Yeah.

I sleep the whole time. He's like, oh, yeah, yeah, they're great, right? Thing takes off. I kick it out, I go, oh, I even give the little like, here goes nothing, right? I'm gonna go by the law, law, land, see on the other side. And I fall asleep. The whole trip. When I get up and when we're late, you know,

they make you get put it down and about 15 minutes for the flight to over, you gotta put it up. But Jared's crying. You didn't talk to me at all. Why do I wake? I don't think anything really on his television at all, but he's wide awake and I go,

did you get a few in? He's like, no, no, I can't sleep on flights. I just, I'm like, I just poor guy, the way he goes, I was so jealous of you the whole time, just going down and I'm like, were you watching me sleep? Paranormal activity, just staring at me for hours. Yo, sad he was. Probably, and that makes me feel bad,

but I don't know what to do. This guy does nine podcasts in a radio show. He'll talk to me, nothing. I'm gonna concentrate, I see somebody I know. I'm like, are we now standing together the whole time? Is this us now? Are we all together? Ha ha ha. I don't know what to do. It's I I burdened me now, dude. Just it's dumb eliminated. They're eliminated I because you only casually know them. No, it's not even that it's not even that it's not even that Let's say a good example when I went up to Boston the night that I was in Boston

The impractical jokers were next door and Berk Rysher was at TD Garden and We had to go afterwards. We were driving back that same night. So it's fine. It's good reason But man when I was thinking about staying the night and it was like Do we have to go over to TD Garden now and like do birds hang you know I mean I feel like it's not that I don't want to do it it's like do I have to do I really have to do it now no I don't know what the thing is at the stage of the game you don't have to do nothing but do when you're in a lie down bed that's your sanctum yeah that's God saying dude this is your time do it you laying down airplane see me dude class, shut your eyes.

I'm going somewhere else. Do not say anything to anybody. You get it. Do coach, when you're in trash coach, you have to. You gotta get through it together. When you moved up there, you don't say nothing to anybody. When you're in your town, it doesn't matter. This is your town.

That's your night. I like having my headphones on, and then when they come over and they like they Tap me. Yeah, and they're like, uh, can we get you some drink before we take off? I go you could fuck right off and never come back to me again. Go fuck yourself. Do anything besides water? Yeah. Yeah, you to go away and don't wake me up to ask me. First of all, the insult when I get wake insult when I get woken up on a plane so they can show me that basket of bullshit snacks. I'm like, how fat do you think I am? Do you think I requested to be woken?

Do you think I'm gonna wake up if they don't do that and go, where's the basket of snacks? I don't remember hearing about it, Biscotti's going around. Why is this guy got pretzels? I've actually, I've had the fatter thing where I've taken a bag and she pushed it back. Take another one.

Oh, I have had that also. And I've taken another one and she pushed it back, take another one. Oh, I have had that also. And I've taken another one. Me too, it was 100% right. They tell me I've taken one, I've been like, hmm, hmm, and I pick one thing and then they go, so I'm like, you could take as many as you want. She told me that and I gave her the reaction she was hoping for, I was like, you are an angel.

Are you a sky angel? Thank you. Anything, can I take two of the same thing? She's like, whatever was like, you are an angel. Are you a Sky Angel? Thank you. Anything? Can I take two of the same things? She's like, whatever you want, kid. It's just like an elephant trunk going in there, just wrapping up just your bags crunching and just dropping it on your tray like a crane game. That is the weed problem in hotel.

It'd be funny if I got a listing every weekend now of what is my late night. I go out to smoke a cigarette and I'm like, well, they have tiny little bags of orange and free to lay twists. And like, I might as well grab a die, Dr. Pepperwallm here. And so I make so many of those like last minute purchases. Oh, they have gummies? Give me some of them.

I'm so worried about getting fat again. I have, I get salami, and cheese, treats for late night. That's my treat. That's a good one. That's a good one. A little salami and cheese, and I sit in my underwear, and I watch TV. You have to wash your hands afterwards. You do? You do. Or you can masturbate. Oh, man man with that fucking salami fat. That's a nice slide dude. Oh, that's a nice slide Then your meat tastes like meat smells. Oh, I have farts. I In salami and protein chips Salami cheese and protein chips dude. I miss I miss the

The late night snacks in the room by myself. I miss the late night snacks in the room by myself. I miss having somebody coming, almost like a hooker, but it's just some dude. You know what I mean? Just waiting, just some guy. Mr. Kelly, yeah. Your food is here and I gotta go down, slip my stuff on, open the door and he's just,

hey, what's up? Hey, hey, do a man. What's up with you? Just grabbing a bag of loneliness, bringing it back up into the room. Oh, by myself, wondering food as much as me and Christine do, like sometimes the worst feeling in the world is when the person does the handoff of the food. Yeah. And you're like, this isn't for two. But you can always tell what they, how what they think of you,

by how many sets of flatware they give you. Well, clearly this is for eight people. So here's eight fork and knife and spoons. Yeah. Here's a, here's actually a big spoon to scoop most of this stuff out no ball. There you go. Oh, it's just for two of us and they go,

for the next week or so, right? You go, maybe a little tomorrow. Maybe a little for tomorrow. Dude, dance. I've gotten, I, you go, maybe a little tomorrow. Maybe a little for tomorrow. Dude, dance. I've gotten, I've gotten far, like late night far. Dude, just far, just, each thing has its own container, right? So you got a container of an egg.

It has its own container, and then the next day you have to go down to the lobby and heat up far broth, which is just a layer of fat bone fat on top. And I'm just in there. Last time I was there, I had a just fobroth I'm heating up. And it's just fat. Just liquid and then the thing of fat. And there was all these hot chicks behind me waiting to go out for the night.

And I'm just heating up bone broth fob fat. You go, the fat goes into the fob. It's not what you think, miss. It's the good fat Hey miss, I could see some of your pussy hairs coming out of the bottom of that dress This is fuffat, which is actually makes the flavor. Oh This is fuffa. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god I dude food on the road is just I mean I used to love Dude food on the road is just I mean I used to love sex. I used to love

Trying to meet a girl and I used to be on stage and I'd tell a joke and look down and point and you know that Paws and shit and you know as people laughing. I'm look at you on the eye You know I do none of that. I just want to get back to that room. There was a time with my fattest man Jesus Christ. I remember I ordered so much El Polo loco Poio you racist Boy oh I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a bull, I'm a I was when I learned that, I was in school with friends living childhood like life, and you were trying to kick cocaine and drinking with your Irish hoodlum friends. So in fairness, you may have missed that Spanish class.

I was in Juve Hall. You were in Juve Hall when I was learning Mayammo SJ. I was playing New York Streetball, I was watching my kids in Juve Hall. Yeah, you were getting teardrop tattoos put on. Duélette, Bakalau. It's a little Somali and from this one gang. Dude, I used to love food so much in the road, man.

I used to love, you know what I miss the most? I never eat during the day on the road. If I do, when I've jarred with me on the road man, I used to look, you know what I missed the most? I never do in the day on the road. If I do, when I've jarmed with me on the road, because I, you know, you wouldn't take care of all the meals for everybody. So when normal people, when they're with me like that during the day, he's like, I'm going to get something to eat and I'm like, well, I'll get something with you here, you know, water something in or we'll go to a place for lunch. But I rarely ever do.

And now there's just I think thank God I'll have a couple drinks when I'm out, because I would never make this, I would just starve at night, because I would just overthink it so much, but I'm just like, now if I have to get something, I'm like, let me just make this good a choice as I possibly can, I guess. Yeah, it's hard now, but I never thought about it at all.

I said, I think I might see this the other week, but I was like, how, Like, how much I was upset about being fat, but didn't even equate it to the thing that it was like, one anyway at night, we got to stop at our beasur McDonald's to get our food. That's two in the morning. There's nothing else open. And I would just eat an abundance of it. And then just the next day, be like, how am I getting this fat? I don't eat during the day. I only eat three in the morning. I don't eat one in three in one.

And then take a real heavy nap. Haha. Dude, the fattest I got was when I toured with Stavvy, baby. Stavros. Oh yeah. My lure. I did his podcast today. Dude, he's great.

He's the best. Dude, we ate, I mean, we would, I mean, the fat is fuck, I've never toured with. Yeah. I mean, we would, we stopped for, we had dims on. I feel like Stavros really also like, I don't see, I think it's unabashed in him. I think he does it with the real, like Tim used to be that way.

Tim Dill was very similar to him. He goes, who cares? This is, when we're doing it, we're doing it. We're gonna eat, let's eat it all. Let's get it. Tim will eat in the best place. Tim's like there's different types of fat dudes. Tim is the best seafood you could get,

the best Italian place. So when he eats, fatting, but stop rolling. That said, I want you to know, that when me and Christine and Tim Dillon drove back, like an emergency drive back from Toronto, because all flights were canceled Because of the snowstorm we drove we ran out of car and drove back That sounds safe and in the middle of it was not safe. Yeah, but we needed to get out of there

We pulled over to a side and went to think across across the off ramp Was it McDonald's. And when me and Christine went inside to go get like, you know, water and piss or whatever, Tim walked in knee high snow to get an eat on the walk back, a McFlurry. Yeah.

McDonald's McFlurry. It was crazy. Well, also the McFlurry machine was broken and you had the guy hand, he had the hand flurry. What? He had the guy hand. Flurry. What? What the hand flurry? You guys, you got a poor M&Ms into the soft serve and mix it with a spoon. I think I did say this.

I always say my stepfather never abused me anyway. He was a great stepfather in so many ways, but one thing he found that I was good for, he did it himself sometimes, but he would farm it out once in a while, was he gets up, my stepfather was very interesting characters, he went on kicks of things. I don't know how else to put it then, it would be something a lot for a while

and then not again at all. So, and I mean, it could be anything from like London broil was the thing for like a month, with London broil a lot, because he was super into London broil. Then that would go away and it would be small bottles of ginger ale, always the thing, ginger snap cookies. He always had like a thing. I like your father. And one of his things, step up. Sorry. One of us, this show, one of my, one of the things he got into for while was getting briars, vanilla bean ice cream. We didn't own, I guess, a blender, but he would put a couple of scoops of that in a glass glass, yeah, pour milk into it and

sugar and then hand like spoon mix it. And I would be the guy who did it. I was a human blender. He would make me just make a milkshake out of spoon twirling ice cream and think like I'm amish. I've never heard of that before. You're making butter. I never even heard of that before you said that. Like I never heard of somebody hand churning a milkshake. And you're not supposed to. Yeah, you're not supposed to put sugar in ice cream. Yeah, I mean, that's nuts. Yeah. That's a nuts.

It was good though. I mean, sugar in ice cream is just fucking too much. It was good though. It was good. Yeah. They were good hand, hand-strew milkshakes. They couldn't be, and I remember, I got them like drinkable. I got it to liquid.

That's why my arms always keep definition no matter how fat I get. Because you know, fat stirring. Because of my fat milkshake arms. Fat milkshake stuff. I gave him so much weight. I worked a milkshake machine. I was like my job at this 50 diners rubies.

But when she said they even said she worked it. And she said, oh, I used to work this motherfucker. But I put on like 40 pounds in the summer. Damn, that's the Lewis J. Gomez numbers. It was bad. Yeah, working at a, I worked at a sub shop, but I used to call in before I leave, because I used to call in an order.

Like they had a thing called the great divide. It was the whole French role. Oh Jesus. And at the angelism. Was it a three footer? No, that's, yeah, like a three footer. Yeah, it was the whole French roll. So if you cut it in half, it's a large, two large.

Okay. Right? You cut the large in half, that's a medium, blah, blah, blah. So this is the whole thing, great divide. And I would call it in to pick up. And nobody would pick it up. So I call in from the road because I was the delivery guy and I'd call in whatever.

A meatball great divide or half, you know, two and a half, you know, fucking chicken salad, great divide and then it would just be there and be like, who's that for? Ah, they didn't pick it up. You want it? I'll take it if you don't want it and I would go eat that fucking thing.

I guess, I mean, it's to my specifications. So I'm sure. eat that fucking thing because I guess I mean it's to my specifications Oh my god Because that's something all the things never would love did they make it because now I'm thinking I like this idea Well, do they make it? Thanks. I'm saying they make it you get the whole smarts You get the whole French roll you get the whole But with no cutting of it it's You get the whole for sure, but with no cutting of it it's Half one thing and half another it was you would cuz I like I would do half I would no cutting of but I would do half sometimes the greatest sub ever made was half cold half hot

You know stand so I had all the cold stuff on one side and then I had like Steak and cheese meatball and there was a chicken cut on the other side. So you made like six sandwiches. It was like six. And I ate, I thought it was two large, you made six smalls. Six smalls. It does feel better when you say it like that.

Got a little weird when you got to the tuner and the seafood salad, got a little weird. Yeah. But it wasn't real seafood anyway. I hope you get shocks in your car. It's a jumbled mess. Oh, dude, I love food so much. I love, if I had to rate drugs, pussy food, food would

be at the top, dude, before it all, think about it. It's the most consistently enjoyable. It's so much friendlier. I mean, the cleanup is almost as bad as sex sometimes, but no. Oh, for me, dude, I got, I mean. Really cleanup is almost as bad as sex sometimes, but... No. Oh, for me, dude. I got, I mean... Really? Oh, yeah.

Not me. I'll eat pieces of lettuce off of a table. Ha, you dropped stuff on the ground, you need it. Not on the ground, on the table though in a heartbeat. In fact, I hate when people eat things off the ground. It happens. Christine told me one time, like it was no big deal. She knows how I am about that. I'm like, I'm not gonna eat something to fill in the floor.

I think Derose did something or eat something off the floor really quick, or maybe soda that I was judgemental of. And Christine was like, oh, I know J's like such a big deal if like that happens, like it's not a big deal. I'm like, it is a big deal. And she goes, oh, I've dropped your food on the floor so many times and just not told you and started to you I go who the fuck says that to somebody. Yeah that's like telling somebody you cheat on him. I was like sir I've said so many

clocks and he didn't know. No it's like cheating on me and then coming home with the cream pie and asking me to eat yeah without telling me it's going on. That's what you did. You made me eat another man's come out of your pussy without telling me. You turn to me on stop. It's just it. It's just it. It is the nature of the problem with the nature of the porn that I look at. The cuckold porn where the guys film their girlfriends fucking other dudes is it those videos you can't tell sometimes like in the middle of it it's all going great and then the guy comes over and the wife starts like making him suck the guys dick to you like no that's not the thing. It's not my exact specific thing.

Who added that in? Yeah. Who added just watching your wife get blasted out and then be like oh he's going to suck the dick too. That's too much. Too much. Too much. Slow down.

One kink at a time bra And the guy never looks like he really wants to do it. I never do like the real guy Like you never do now nobody wants to do that. Yeah, it doesn't look like he's a good Blowjob giver it looks like a guy who has to suck this dick so to shut his wife up or something? Yeah, he looks like a regular guy that just do, okay, dude, you got a second dick too. What? No, you got a second. All right, I guess.

I've never done, there's nothing worse than a guy who doesn't have a second dick. Yeah, I know. Is this how, if I had a guy sucking my dick bad, I'd pose hair back and be like, is this how you'd want your dick sucked, dude? You have a dick, fix this. Yeah, dude. I mean, dick, fix this. Yeah dude.

I mean what do you have a machine? What the hell? 866-969-1969, you suck the dick reluctantly. 866-969-1969, if you've sucked the dick reluctantly. I have nothing left on the road to do. Except, I mean cigars I guess, but you can't, you can only do that once a day. You can't. It'll come green, it's not.

Yeah I can't go outside by myself and sit on the bench and smoke a cigar. You look like a lunatic. I look like a fucking lunatic. It's such a long thing you're there for so long to cigar. Yeah, it's not a cigarette. Yeah, it's a cigar.

You're gonna pop out with the headphones on and smoke a cigarette. Yeah, I don't know what to, like I don't, like I used to have food. It's not a real walking around thing, either. A cigar. I can't walk around, you look like a lunatic. You're, a real walking around thing either, a cigar. I can't walk around, you look like a lunatic. You're fucking a crazy, a cigar as you have to sit.

Yeah, I was gonna say, you can mill around with a cigarette. You can mill around a vape, you can fuck and walk, do whatever you can go to a store. You can walk around Walmart with a vape right now. It's so good. Just think you're saying that to get me to start vaping and stuff, smoking, she goes, you can always go in the bathroom and vaping in a bathroom of a airplane,

which is a very, I'm like, no, Chris, you're a girl. She has, Christine's never paid price for anything she's done wrong in her life. So she just that white girl syndrome like she has smoked, smoked cigarettes in a bathroom of an airplane before you haven't. Yeah, just once. Still, haven't. Yeah. Just once. Still.

It's crazy. It's crazy. She, I think, flipped the car on cocaine on her way to get cocaine in the fucking the police officer asked her if she's okay and drove her home. What? Yeah. I thought smoking on a plane was crazy.

I should have saved the crazy. She's a flippin' Carla. She blew a cab driver. No, you can't do that. I am blowing a cab driver. He fingered her. He ate her pussy. Yeah. What?

I was really drunk. What? Not drunk enough to remember getting her pussy in my cab driver. What? What the fuck? Not drunk enough to fuck him. Wow, wow, my bitch. She's got a point.

She held it together. Not so bad. Not so bad. Not out of there. I don't argue. I don't argue. I don't argue. Not sober enough to fuck him. No, I did not. Oh, you didn't have to. She held it together. Not so bad. Not out of there. I don't argue. I don't argue not sober. I'm the fuck up.

No, I did not. Oh, you did not pass. I was going to say, Jesus Christ. So I don't know to see on the cab driver thing. No one ever will. But try to explain it to him. So you can go on. Like a cab with the partition in the middle thing?

Yellow cab. No, I would see in the front of cabs a lot. Why? Because I just like didn't like sitting in the back seat I get car sick. So if I could sit in the front of cabs a lot. Why? Because I just like didn't like sitting in the back seat I get car sick. So if I could sit in the front, I'd sit in the front. So if a girl, first of all, she's a Halloween party. She drips like a beer wancher, whatever, like a pirate.

Yeah, pirate hooker. A pirate hooker. And so she's, so if I'm a cab driver and this girl sits in the front seat, probably starts, I've watched this girl in action. Probably starts smoking a cigarette with that asking. Yep. it one she's already lit she knows she's gonna let me to pussy so it's like yeah he's gonna let me do this to Christine her last day of drinking like where's her last drunk for sure was uh that was man she got out of the cab

Mike Fenoia our roommate at the time got out first and he was like Whoa buddy because he was he was stayed behind with her yeah, I left And uh, he was like whoa buddy and I come as I she's got a cigarette in her hand And all of her belongings in her purse are on the floor next to the cab door And I think the guy's kind of give him like a come on and she's like All right, all right, oh god She's just never like am I being being crazy it's just like shut up I dropped all of my belongings and I'm smoking in your cab my for noise as soon as they got my

set as soon as they got in the cab she lit up a cigarette she goes this is cool right hilarious I can't believe she never saw I'll tell you what was the funniest was I used to drive Illegal a lot. I don't know if I even was at this time But I was still very at the time afraid of cops and if I get pulled over something with my license Okay, you had something are we lazy? I don't think yeah, something's always something where they're gonna go like Oh, we gotta take you in for the night or whatever and I remember dropping Christina Huh, I had weed on me for sure to take you in for the night or whatever. And I remember dropping Christina, huh?

I just weeded on me for sure. So I dropped Christina off at home, me and Dave Smith. He was with me and we dropped her off at our house. And I ended up living there too, is a cop block. Please, please station. And Christine's saying goodbye to me. She's hammered through the window. And I see the cops are like honking a little bit And I'm kind of going like all right, let me go though because the cops are like going and she's like well anyway

Well, we see hang out tomorrow or whatever and I'm like yeah, we just gotta like go on and then the cops are honking and then he starts I'm like a move the car for please and Christine just goes all right already shut up like what's the fucking problem? What's the big deal? What's the rush and then I was like go in your house now and let me drive away I'm like what are you doing you psycho white bitch? You're the worst you crazy white bitch It's the worst we also can do anything like it's somebody tells you you can't do it You're just like oh I didn't know and is girl, yeah, so you can get out of anything. You're just like, oh my god, I didn't know this.

I didn't know you couldn't flip a car on Coke while going to get Coke. I didn't know. Can you take me home so I can start over? That voice is the fucking worst. Get away with anything with that voice. I didn't know. I didn't know.

You should got booted out of the New York comedy festival party. When? I knew you. Yeah. Like what? What was this? Luckily, a lot of my drinking was away from comedy. It was like, I worked at comedy clubs and I was sober

and then I'd go out with my friends afterwards and get hammered. But then when the NJ started drinking together, which was weird, because he never drank, then that was like all in comedy clubs. So there was like a three year period where I was getting like wasted at the stands. Like right after I got over there.

You were so fun until it wasn't fun. So fun until it wasn't fun. We brought home three girls one night, came back to our place, and they were coming back to our place and Christine no two girls It was two and Christine They were all in the back seat of the cab and I was in the front seat of the cab and then at one point They like knock on the window and I'm like hey, and I go is she okay and Christine's in the middle of me going

It's just gonna slap her on the face It's a wrap get the face Get it together Get it together Then we all go into the place and we all go into the room and it looks like everything's starting to go down and Christine goes who's right back to me one second and then we just go and like the doors goes and you're here in the room going, whew! Oh! Oh! Oh! Again. Oh! No, I went out. No, no, no, no.

I know, I know what you did. I was not drunk like that. And then I'm like, all right, she's throwing up. And we're all kind of like, I said, I guess she's gonna rally, maybe I guess a couple. I think we probably should have sent the girls home when I fell asleep in the car. Agreed.

That was probably the end of the night. Oh, she hasn't remembered anything. I suggested that. Christine was said, was probably the end of the night. Oh, she hasn't remembered anything. Well, just, I suggested that. Christine was said, no. I suggested that right there. I'm like, I think it's kind of a wrap in the cab. And Christine was like, when we got out of the cab, she's like, no, no, I'm fine. So they come in.

Now we're all sitting there awkward waiting for Christine to either come in and say, I think this is done, or whatever. We don't know. Maybe she's rallying or something. And she doesn't come back in the room. And after about five minutes, I'm like, how am I going to go see if she's like, okay. And they're like, yeah, all right. And then I go on the bathroom. She's not there. She's not in the apartment. I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I go out front. I don't see her out front anywhere. And then I go out. But it's the best. I like drunk when they think,

against a guy who's used to use examples sneaking around when you're on full camera is the funniest thing. Christine, a drunk person acting like what just happened isn't weird is the funniest. I go out back of our apartment. She comes out of the alleyway and turns the thing off of our fire escape thing.

And I go, Christine, she's like, what's up? What? What's up? I go, what the like what's up what what's up I go what the fuck are you doing she goes I just can't see like this is not a weird thing it's a grad side in our back alley what it's the craziest thing fixing offense I started to fix the fence I'm out here yeah I don't know I was gonna see because it's a stuck I just stuck oh yeah go these concrete blocks right yeah they're center blocks okay we should get a tree I'm singing a tree right over here what do you think we're gonna bench and then we uh we sent the gals home oh and then what was the thing that was weird with the we

did bring three girls home one night and something went weird with that they else are doing coke yeah we were like okay and then you were like did you do co because I use like I won't touch Coke, but you were like, did you do Coke? She doesn't touch it, she just sniffs it. She puts it between her teeth. I won't even touch it, I'll just lick it off a table. Yeah, that was so weird, I remember because they just pulled up the lines on our

like kitchen counter. The best is watching us, because the thing is Christine, again, I like Christine seeing the male side of a perspective on that. These girls came all the way over it, we definitely wanted to hook up with them. And they're like, hey, you might be doing a little coke on the counter. And we're both just like, okay, like no one knew what to do.

I don't know. I'm so glad I have a wife. Mm-hmm. Don't like, if I brought a good, I couldn't even imagine bringing a girl back to like Don. Don, don, if she was into that, it would be fucking weird. I couldn't even imagine. We're gonna go back to like Don. Don would never, if she was into that, it would be fucking weird as the guy. Work as cock.

Work. Work as fucking cock a little bit. Hey, I just, I could be rough with it. I just made a boiled dinner for St. Paddy's Day. You guys in, I'll go heat it up. You want to, you guys like corn beef? Listen, listen to me, listen, the maids come tomorrow. So do whatever you get to do do it in this big bathroom. Don't do it in Max's bathroom.

Don't do it in Max's bathroom. She's never been into nothing. Nothing. I mean nothing. I mean nothing. I've never done but I'm scared. No, like what if I'm worried. This is what I'm worried about. She's a wild streak as she gets older. I bet she might be open the more things you say. Do not open whatever that weird box you're about to open. Okay. Okay, because here's the reason why.

I'll be looking back on it. I'm locking it back on. I'm locking it back on the key. Please, I'm gonna open it. Take that key, swallow it. Go pick it up. Okay. Put it in your mouth.

Swallow. Let me see a ton. I have a bottomless throat. Let me see a tongue. Okay, great. Thank you. Because here's the deal. I'm gonna pass this thing. Because Max is gonna leave someday. Max is gonna go to school. Max is gonna not be around, you know, college. And what if she, what if she gets some weird Florida middle-aged woman fuck streak? Some counting on dude. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Man, did if we started swinging, how great the show would be. Oh, dude, it would be so good. I was tailing some of the swingers club this weekend. And me, Bobby, Don and Christine, who at the old, it's always got some crazy names to like, night fingers. Yeah.

You know, Don and Christine would just fucking team up. Oh yeah. They would just be, yeah, guys, guys. Tell them, girl, they go, hey, let's see if we can get too fist in you. We're going on vacation. Where are we going? No, me and Don are going on vacation. We're going to heat in this M2 to get our grooves back.

Yeah, we're going to fucking younger guys. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's worse picture. Just damn on a banana boat with two big dreadlock guys Had in the best time guys hope the show's going well But that is the I'll say when I went to those swingers clubs it was older women are the thing there mostly yeah Sun-tanned fake tit Yeah, wearing a lot of white. Yeah, you're describing Don

She's got those cancer freckles on her chest. Yeah, season tits to us, not bad. Yeah, I like it, I see season, boo. She's, yeah, she's done. I'm a little, I don't know if she's gonna, you know, if she's gonna, if she's gonna rally, this might be, I might be done. I was actually coming to that conclusion this weekend because it was Hot Girls at the show.

A lot of Bonfire fans too, by the way, because I had the guy bring me up, uh, hosting with Jay at the bonfire and a lot of people applauded, which is great. Lot of cracker crackles at the end to when I say goodnight, which is great, fucking great, just the best. The best part about that is when you're doing the weird fucked up shit, they got you. They're with you. And they left the other people who maybe fucking,

it's okay, but there was a couple hotties at the show. And I just went back to my room and I was like, I left, I was like, I gotta go, whatever. But I was kinda like, wow, I think it's done. I think I'm not gonna ever, like the stuff I've done in the past, I've done it all. That's all of it. I think I might be,

I mean, I can't see it. I can't see it. Like now. I think it's a wrap. Like, what am I gonna do? Like, I love my wife. I love my kid. I love my family.

I'm just trying to get home to them. Yeah, well, I have the cheat, necessarily. Well, I mean, unless, though,'s me and Don start doing some weird shit, but then if we start doing weird shit, then she's gonna probably want some other shit. And then it might spiral out of control. You might have to make peace with those things. She might be a little peace with those things.

What do you mean? You got on the road a lot, buddy. Wait, wait, buddy. Wait, wait, wait. So, what if, yeah, what if she gets into some stuff? What if I open her up, right, into it, and then she just goes ballistic. Yeah, you don't wanna stop that.

Yeah, but I don't want ballistic. I'm kinda happy with, like I feel like my shit's kinda dying down. You think she's gonna leaprog you and all of a sudden be like, hey, we should be doing like orgies every weekend when you're home. I don't think it's gonna get like that. Well, what, my business- I think the best you could hope for is upon your suggestion.

Should be like, oh, yeah, I'll be fine. Like what? Give me an example. I'm Don, you're me. Hey, what's that baby? How are you? You're Don, you. I'm Don, you're me. Hey, what's up, baby? How are you? You don't you? I'm don't you me. Okay. Hey, baby. How are how was the show? Hey, babe, dude? Yeah, what's up? Hey, babe, dude max put that down Jacob your max Max put it down I wish you was so polite. Well, okay. I'll put it down dad All right. I wish you was so polite. Okay, I'll put it down, Dad.

Stop breaking my keons. Yeah. Hey, babe, dude. So this girl I know keeps hitting on me and I told you I'm married. She goes, I'd like to get involved with both of you. It's crazy, right? Like that's crazy thing.

What she look like. Oh, not like you. Way shitier. No, I'm only gonna eat hot pussy. No, first thing you should be, what race is she? Okay. Christine and me, that was a, that's such a funny thing about that.

I, my standards for a woman are way lower, especially for a girl I'm thinking like, before it became so, you know, a joshous story and everything, things are a wild life. Right now is a little much more accepted. Sure. And then with thing for sure, and then from Christine's family,

they turned on her heart when they found out what a piece of shit she was. She was blowing, she was laying cab guys either pussy. Yeah, that was well before I met her. pussy. Yeah, that was well before I met her That was well before I met her I just it's still fucking blow my mind. I just can't it's hard to do stuff when she explains the story to you It won't make any more sense to you. Okay, just I don't know how you do it She's always drunk. He just started eating my pussy. So I let him okay, it's so hard to eat pussy in the front seat of any new car I mean I

Got a six and she's heavy. We're is the big boat. Is that a bench seat? What's that? Yeah, how did he get over that thing? Was he fucking was he taking the stick shift up the stairs? How was he doing it? I mean, it's not that hard to reach over. I open my legs up. Like I, you know, made it easy on it. It's not easy. Yeah, but no, it's not easy. I don't know how you get over the thing. Cab seat doesn't go all the way back because of that partition. And you have to go, you have to,

you have to eat pussy upside down. I mean, am I crazy? It has to be upside down. She sucked his dick. She never wanted to say it. She sucked his dick for sure. I did not suck his dick. You can't eat pussy in a front seat.

Bobby's right. It's been all these years. I let it go, but he's right. I'm sure. You sucked his dick. I'm sorry. There's no way he puts it in a front seat of a car. No, my pussy he thought he was gonna fuck. How do you do it though? I just don't understand how you do it explain it draw it

Yo draw it for us Don't fuck up Don't fuck this up I'd be surprised but I wonder do you ever talk to her about like hey? Do you have like anyities to get a little, or is she like, I don't even, or is she not even give a fuck about fucking in general? Do whistle-old school Boston couple, you know what I mean?

We're just, and I think, and you probably remember, I don't know, but when you have a nine-year-old, it's, you know, there's no free time. There's no, you're not alone a lot, and when you are, you're fucking exhausted or she's tired or whatever. When I was alone, I would have a full-on side girlfriend. When it's about what's nine, let me think. I would have a full-on other relationship when I was not home.

Yeah, I can't. There's too much. There's too much. Bobby, what do you think you can't have a whole entire relationship of a girl with things that you're together forever? Well, here's the thing, there's two girls after the show say, have the thing. And they were like, hey, you know, can we get a picture about it?

And they were kind of my speed, you know, kind of goofy face, hot body. I like that, you know. How old would you say? Around like 57. Oh, no, kidding. I. So right in that price.

Special sauce. No eyebrows because they plucked them too much. You know, they never grew back one time. No kidding. I just the right in the price. Special sauce. No eyebrows because they plucked them too much. They never grew back one time. They never grew back. That'll, no. They would probably like 30 something, maybe 35 something. They weren't that old.

They were like maybe late early 30s. Yeah. But you know, I like attainable. I like, you know, one was a little chunky with, you know, holy God boobs, and the other one was blonde with, wow, and just a really big forehead. Whatever, they were kind of hot. But I was, I, you know, I gave them a hug and blah, blah, blah, and that was leaving. But in my brand, I'm like, you would have done, like back in the day, I got a hotel room.

I'm leaving in a couple hours. Everything makes sense. Everything. But I'm just like, nah, I just, I'm like, it's over. You could, well here's the thing. I can't. Here's the difference. In situations two, there's gotta be like, help me cheat, Jay.

So, no, it's not my cheat. I'm kidding, I'm not gonna cheat. First of all, first of all, if you were, I'm not maxing. Oh, you still max, no, max, I would never do that. First of all if you were not max oh you still max no max I would never do that first of all That actually that actually hurt me that I he did it perfect You were I hurt my feelings. I would never do that to you son. I love you. I love you look at me I love you don't you love mom anymore? I do love mom, but sometimes you're a little angry

What's happening to our family? I mean when you have to put a lot of juice down there just to make it go. Take cheating out of it. Let's say you get to a place you're chatting and you have agreed to, when you're on the road you can do something. Oh, so wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, I have to get... I love that you're so...

Fuck, I'm prepared for this, dude. Well, no, I'm trying to tell you what's easy to, because I think, but I gotta talk to Don first. I have to say to Don, this comment like, Don, hey listen, you were not really messing around anymore, right? My libido's up a little bit. My believe, because I lost a little weight and it is up to, I mean, mine,

I could take a picture of my, my, my, my shtimenki right now and send it. Okay. That's where it's at. I like that. I can send it. I like that. I can send it. I like that.

So my number is not. Oh, so notice you haven't sent it yet. But if you get to a point, I'm gonna send you a picture of my guy. Please. We'll exchange him so we have him. Nice, we should do that. It's like a nexium coat. We should all of a picture of each other's dick is collateral.

Change one of his fucks up. Yeah, you fuck up. We should do that. It's like a nexium cult. We should all the picture of each other's dick is collateral Chase one of his fucks up. Yeah, you fuck up. Guess what's happening? Blue Don't try to put one of those silly hats on yours. I want lose from behind Y'all far it comes down below bag Yeah, I like that. I want to have whatever those gay guys pulling it from front the front the back Absolutely, I bet you got a nice hang, Lou. I don't know if it grows much from the hang But I bet you show nice. Am I right? You are you a shower? The grower are you oh really? I want to get shower Jacob. You're a shower Grower, oh, Loo show her Anna grower. Please grower grower. Yeah, we're all growers. Yeah Christine

She's a grower when she gets her beard or titties come in. Grower. I said you were a grower not a shower once and you said it was the meanest thing anyone's ever seen. I'ma scratch your face. If I fingernails, I'd scratch your face. When you say that, she goes, she's like's I guess I go no I go they go Christine He's lying right like he doesn't have a small dick and she goes

He's this grow or not a show or I was like don't help there you there been more hurt She's right But don't tell people like that Yeah, Christine's dry until I spit in her pussy. That doesn't feel good does it Christine? Christine's dry until I spit in her pussy. That doesn't feel good, does it, Christine? Let's say you've got, you have the conversation. Lebedo's up, blah, blah, blah. Lebedo's up, I'm ready to rock.

We're not doing nothing and I need to get some. In a perfect world. In a perfect world. The boundaries put it on you on that. Actually put you in a position of not having a deal with what your concerns of dealing with are. So I hear you, same thing. It be man, it wouldn't be great if a 27 year old girl wanted to like fuck or suck your

dick or whatever. In your mind, you're also like, after we fuck, are they going to want to stay? Are they going to want to like, I don't know what to talk to a 27 year old about much after. I don't want to just keep talking about me and my career and friends and my wife and my kid. And it was you, yeah. My kid just got his great mountain. Did you just say?

Yeah, it's awesome. So kick your ass lady. Hang on. Just, you know, he could beat you up, lady. And he's a boy. But you, those implied like things like, again, I get the jealousy thing. I don't think Christine, she's seen it before. I don't think she has a wig out about me fucking somebody else, but if it was like,

and then we woke up and went to a nice breakfast or something, she was like, what, what do you fong and love you asshole? You know what I mean? Like that's the- But I don't have the ability to say again. Like what, you fucking talk all night? If him and a girl if you share dreams like four hours together before they fucked talking I'd be like well that's not our agreement Because I don't even know where dreams She has such a nice voice. She got to hear her music. She's she's gonna get in a real estate and can help us get a home in West So it's gonna work out. It's gonna. It's actually good. No, I got to be nice to her because she holds the cards

That she is a real estate. She's gonna wave it's actually good. No, I gotta be nice to her because she holds the cards. She is a real estate. She's gonna waver feet. Yeah. She's supposed to get it too. But, no, I was on sale. So that's, so that's, Can I say something? I don't have the, I don't have the ability anymore.

Like I, you know me, dude. I was, I had my shit together back in the day. I hung out, I, I got girls. Yeah. It was my thing. Notoriously. Not hung out. I got girls. Yeah. It was my thing. Notorious. Notorious. I don't have the ability and I don't know how to do it anymore.

I lost my mojo to go from, okay, here's two girls. Even if I wanted to do it, if Dom was like, hey, do you, what I don't know, don't hurt me. Go do your thing, have my, be safe. I don't know how to go. Hey, you know, let's go. Like I don't know what to do. Like I don't know how to go, hey, you know, let's go. Like I don't know what to do. Like I don't know how to do that.

But I don't have like, and girls never give me vibes anymore. Like I don't get a vibe from a girl. Like I remember back in the day, and it's probably because I talk about loving my wife and all my shits about, you know, my kid and my family. But I don't, I used to get the vibe when girls would just come up after and, you know, want to fuck back in the day.

Like I come off stage, they were like, hey, poppy. What are you doing? I'd be like, nothing. What are you doing, Senorita? I've got vibes for girls, interestingly enough. And I'm not good at reading either. I'm really not, but it's funny though, some of the ones that I have, but like, oh, this is being pretty blatantly thrown that aren't aware of like me and Christine's relationship

and they're a fan from like something else. And I'm like, every set I do in some capacity I mentioned having a girlfriend, not for protection of myself, I just have jokes that involve our lives. So like, you know, I'm surprised that some girls just kind of like, maybe they figured it's just a joke

or they're like, I don't care, you're in bum fuck whereverville this week. So like they're almost like, you're not falling in love with you either. But it is what would take that's what my concern would always be. Like, I don't want to snore next to someone. I don't want to like, uh, then be beholden because then you're also like, well, I don't say don't want to have like, if we talk too much, how much do we have to stay and touch it?

Not that I'm like, you know, want to be like, they can't, but some people like, hi, hey, how much do we have to stay in touch? And that's what I'm like, you know, want to be like, they can't buy some people like, hi, hey, how's things going? You coming back to whatever, Bill, sometime like, actually, whatever. But when you feel some kind of obligation, it's like, I don't want them to call and go, hey, guess what?

I had an audition today and it went great. Yeah, don't tell me either. I don't want that. It's like, yeah. Yeah, I'm with Max and Donna. that. I don't want that. Yeah. Yeah, I'm with Max and Donna. Exactly. I'm like, I don't want that shit. Fantastic.

Yeah, yeah. What are you talking about? Nobody. Or something, you know, it's like, decide to go with the blue dress. Yeah, yeah. I don't want these inside things with you. Hey, you like my new purple stripe in my hair?

I, yeah, I don't fucking know. Well, that's what the whole, you know, it's like, what did Lewis say one day the whole, you know, it's like, uh, what did Louis say one day? One of his relationships, he was like, thinking about maybe like being in a, where I've started to see the idea of like a, not poly, what it's called, that poly relationship. And I'm like, I, that's the one I don't get at all. I totally get sexually being like all over the place, but it, like coming home every night and like hearing two women's days and two women's

woes. And if you're splitting your time up, it's like, what? No, you need two different apartments. If you're going to do that, you need two different apartments. You need her living over there and you living over there. I couldn't ever do that. No, that just sounds like a nightmare to me. I could barely, I could barely, barely get through with my wife. What does that mean, Jacob? The show's going, okay? No, I know you're saying break. I know you're saying break. He used it at one hand.

He was like, those guys, this is going road to nowhere if you ask me. Hey, everybody, thanks for listening. That was just a portion of our actual serious XM radio show. If you want the whole thing, the whole damn thing, go to seriousxm.com slashbombfire for a special offer. That's right, and go to bigjcomedy.com

and robbercallylive.com to check out our standup dates coming to a city near you. Go on a little more. I step down your crackle crackle, I stink. Go on a little more. Crackle Crackle, I stink.