The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Fathers Be Good To Your Daughters (feat. Bert Kreischer)

Episode Date: March 24, 2022

Bert Kreischer joins The Bonfire and opens up about flipping out on his dating daughter.Stream "The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder" for 3 months free on the SiruisXM app! Offer Details Apply: www.SiriusXM.com/BonfireFollow us on all social media @TheBonfireXM @DanSoder www.DanSoder.com@BigJayOakerson www.BigJayOakerson.com

I'm Dan Soder and I'm Big J. Okreson and welcome to the Bonfire podcast. You can hear our full show every day on Series XM. Go to seriousexem.com slash bonfire for a special offer. And now the bonfire with Big J. Okreson and Dan Soder. Yeah. I don't know what the carry laws are in California, but I'll get you popped Rolled down rodeo with a shotgun. Yeah, especially if you're a pistol of Indian like these guys I would beg to disagree there was a period in June where you could roll down a

Shotgun you know kick in the window of a foot locker face covered in and then play this song and rage is like This isn't what we met it was pretty wacky That's like the chief of police was like don't come to LA. We can't help you. Yeah, we can't save you of something Get out of here escape from LA dude. They should have been blasting that over loudspeakers in LA somewhere in the distance You can hear see jo here Josh Edomire is doing a show on a rooftop somewhere To use your escape shoots if the people come for you. Skim it in the bop, so it wouldn't be both. Doesn't his suck, doesn't his suck that you love rage,

but you know they would hate you. Oh yeah. They would hate your acts so much. Here's the thing. They would do, what would bum me out about hanging out with the rage against the machine was the thing that I did to bum them out. I wouldn't have thought would be a big deal.

And when it turned them off, I'd be like, that? Yeah. Like he's like, dude, don't say that. And I'm like, that, that, that's what you're pissed about. It's not gonna be a thing. I think they're gonna be pissed about. He's gonna be like, hey, the way you described that woman was, and I'm like, don't, Tom, do not do this right now.

Yeah. I like your music. I used to like, the lift weights to your music when I played high school football. Yeah, just play your record scratch You guitar exactly. Wait, are you the guy you the guy that was shirtless with the spear Yeah, he's like you know, I got a song against that

Whatever they're not playing it at nolest games. Oh, that's where they get you. That's where they definitely get you at the seven Hey Tom Morello you get the fucking face pain on your thing Fuck yeah! Oh my god, get a little fuck. Hey Tom Morello, you get the fucking face pain on you, think? Hey Tom Morello. I'll be right back. Oh! Anybody is this one, I know you. How do I know you?

How do I know you? Joe Rogan? You know Joe Rogan? Uh-oh. Dude, that's so funny. He's like, I think my uncle is half Cherokee. And not pretty happy about your half-time performance. You know that voice everybody joining the show

It is the machine Bert Christcher in the mother fucking house. Cheers everybody. I just had a fucking cheers We're talking about burping one just straight up shot up shot about you Bert, is you and your wife farting in front of each other? Oh, yeah, you know Leanne's been Leanne after she got COVID She was farting really aggressively and she would fart in her sleep Oh yeah, you know, Leanne's been Leanne after she got COVID. She was farting really aggressively and she would fart in her sleep, but it was it was how you could tell you know how you can tell when someone goes sleep when they all the sudden they switch over to. Yeah, it was you could hear she'd start farting in there like oh, she's asleep. She's ripping fart. Up door open. Yeah, she had to get a colon. Oh, really? Yeah, she and his shows and I'm flamed colon. Not sure she wants me to share that.

Yeah, but that's, Christine, have you ever been in flame calling? Christine just cooked up a fucking doozler on me the other night. You gotta tell him how it happened. We were going ahead to toe. I was head to toe watching TV. I lay on my tum tum and watch TV in bed like this.

JLA was like his legs back kicking. When we podcasted on the impractical jokers, Cruz when we did episodes, he would, they would go with some, just sit on their tum tums. Where my feet, where my knees, man. He's just sitting a chair. Like a little picture. With my knees bent like this. jokers crews when we did episodes he would they would sit on their tumtums with my feet with my knees man chair with my knees bent like this picture I'm a show bird that's how I watched TV and so we're meeting Christina head to toe until I go to crash out and flip over and she kicked her leg out of the blanket and swung

it slow and deliberate like real high coming down on my head and I was like so I blocked your leg And I kind of like pushed your leg back up to just have a flop back over and it's just stopped the middle of the air and she just beefed I mean long loudies She has fucking ripping it we can't get mad at someone when they're asleep about it But you're just like god damn it. Yeah, he better do better Christine Intelbert the exciting new addition to that story. That's so beautiful. Oh, we are we have a new puppy We got a little pop Dawkins little Dawkins. Oh, how adorable With all with all your that looks like the most Christian white dog Yeah, it's all your blackness and fingerless gloves. Yeah, scenes and tattoos. Yeah, she's already pretty in the Satan's.

That's cool. Are you gonna get her tattooed up up? Get her sleeved up. Yeah, you're sleeved up. Damn, I definitely want to get her something where it looks like she's tattooed at least. Yeah, something. You got to make that dog look tough.

Or at least a spiked collar. My step sister does dog grooming and she does all kinds of crazy. Should I bet we can have her do a tattoo design on her white? No, no, the dogs get them. Dogs get them from markers so you can find them later. They get them on their bellies. Test them?

You gotta get her like a rough life. Yeah, that's your belt. That's your belt. Get something. Oh, an old English. Yeah, oh, yeah. Mayhem. Mayhem as your whole.

As you're holding it. You watched the Tom and Pammy thing. I did. What did you think? I thought it was interesting. I did. What did you think? I thought it was Interesting. I thought they acted very good. I thought it was I thought the show changed dynamic It was like a weird like trippy show for the first two or three episodes with a dick talking and everything and then it was nothing like that ever again How many episodes was it? It was eight. Yeah, I don't know. It was eight but it made me feel

Way worse for her than I ever did. Oh, I came out wanting to apologize to her Yeah, I was the guy I made a joke about her on VH1 on Mark Marin remember Remember Mark Marin had a show never mind the buzz guys. I was the audience Warm up you remember the first day we got in there and we just gossiped Yeah, for we satin and he's like you got to tell me about dot dot dot I was like oh, I got stories wait, so you were doing crowd warm up? I was on crowd where I was right. Metzger was doing writing. Oh, this was writing up, but Burke came in. It was so great. That was what when a Mike Reno from Loverboy, you had to find

out which person was Mike Reno from Loverboy and Bert Ashtam, all three people who it could have been to turn around and do like the finger cross by their ass Which is the album cover not Mike Reno's ass on the Right it was yeah, it gives me three possible rock stars and Mike Reno from lover boys the one and they're gonna figure out Which one it is so grill him grill him and I said the first one I do remember the first one I went they're all staring and they're looking into the audience like oh, hey Mike and one guy Hey Mike, I got a question. Hey Mike. Shit.

That was fun, so, but I made a joke about Pamela Anderson on it. They were like, what video is it? And it's where she plays a giant, I think. Oh, that was lit. Yeah. And I said, that's not the video I watched to hers. And it got a big laugh. And now I felt guilty knowing how that tape affects her.

And I'll tell you, here's the problem with casting, is that Seth Rogen is so fucking lovable that you end up liking the guy that sold the tape. Yeah, you almost feel bad for him. This is either Hillin' and the loser, yeah. And he's the villain in the series. He's the villain, but he's so lovable and almost defendable. Yeah, well I didn't see, almost defendable,

true, because I think they all agree that he owed him money and whatever, but Pam Anderson, what I just didn't realize is how it actually affected her. Did fucking pretty much end her career as anything More than just like the the pinup girl. Yeah, like that was pretty much all she ever did It was never it never went beyond the she that's shortly of sitcom. one cared yes stacked stacked by the way that was who was on my co-host on uh... molly culver was the co-host on that on the show we did with mark maran was her co-host yeah molly culver yeah stacked and she was when we did mark never

on the bus cost really she knows a lot of the both really well the right motorcycle was crazy was seeing uh... like i used to know from watching how it's turn when pay mad to some come in with the girls She worked on that VIP show with But the VIP was the beginning of your of your boy over here hitting puberty and really starting to jerk to whatever Yeah, a couple co heat VIP most USA programming could make me pop so stalks so easy To do in Pacific blue in Florida. we had a thing called Foxy Boxing.

And it would come on channel 48 or 32 at like two o'clock and access. Public access, it was a check. Oh, fuck. With wet white t-shirts cut to here beating the fuck out of each other. And you would, it was the best way to jack off. Because you'd be sitting there and going like what am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do? There's nothing. There's nothing. There's nothing. Foxy boxing will come on and you knew you had to jerk off within a finite amount of time and shut your door. Lock it, jerk off and make sure you could get it in time. You should call that the firefighter beat. You're like the fucking bell started ringing and you're like fucking go go go go get out of these pants. This is this is fucking this is high end Ronnie B time. This is high end. Yeah, Ronnie B runs Tampa during Fox. I love that. I would be shocked if he didn't wasn't very familiar

with Foxy Box. If he'd like me to put him over. Yeah, he's like a guy actually owes me because I put him over on the radio. Foxy Boxing. Oh, just Foxy Boxing. Foxy Boxing. Is it say it's from Tampa?

By the way, this is the 80s. It's probably when when if, yeah, if you ever said like Ever were like hey, maybe the CTE they'd be like your gay I still say I miss I for some reason that video that video is great because it's gone I miss the high not flat But the high long 80s early 90s ass on a woman dude the high long 80s early 90s ass on a woman. Dude, look at that. With the up on the side, just high and long.

I'm hoping to be a viewsaw FES right there. Yeah, just FES, walk in the back. That's the piece, FES, that's the piece. Look, this is the most 80s video. We'll tweet it out at the Bond Fire SXM. By the way, got him fighting in the fight. Dude, I could have fucking pounded to this as a child. Yeah, this right here, any sort of aggression,

would have been like, oh. Oh my gosh. oh, oh, my God. I'll say what? I'll say what? Oh, this spinning back, this, all right, Jean Claude Van Dam. Well, this guy's a shitty ref. She's getting her pinned in the corner. I bet that. No, this is how roguing that is start. It's calling me. All in these Foxy Box. I think man She's her she's her Dude look at this girl this girl's been in a fight. She was a dude Yeah, that one that that one they just knocked her down. It's got three kids for sure. She was just 27 She's definitely yelling her boyfriend's name as she was doing that. I hate you Curtis I fucking hate you do this ref is wild this ref is awesome. He's gay So he doesn't grow because I got a bitch stop it you guys are pushing each other around. Look at those little skibbies. Damn, man. Yeah. But the VIP thing was the girl Natalie, whoever the other girl from the show was.

She's, they used to go into Howard Stern together. And she was so goddamn hot. And when they did the documentary, bring up the cast of VIP when they did that That's what Muller Colbert was in. Yeah when they did that What they did the documentary not the Hulu thing but there was like a one episode Some new show on like wasn't that Fox or FX or something is that me Anderson's cuz she's coming out No, she's doing a whole documentary. This was just like it's called like Superstar or something like scandals and it's like a one hour kind of that, it was pretty good. But the girl talking in it was that girl Natalie now.

I haven't seen her since Howard Stern, like in the late 90s. And it's weird seeing these like, it doesn't seem long enough to go for them to not be. Yeah, bring up, sure. Yeah, bring up like, I mean, she was bringing up like, I know, I know, I know, Natalie, I know Natalie. She was so,

what else was she in? what else was she in what else was she in? My dreams and good rhyme to me. Oh I remember her what else was she in she was in like a martial law something ganked She was in hip-hop Harry. Maybe that's what you're thinking ever maybe that's just something a martial law, dude Pink. Yeah, she you know what? I think Pam Anderson's video also ruined her career somehow because that didn't go well Maybe that's it, I'm thinking about that. Marshall Law, dude. Pink, yeah, she, you know what? I think Pam Anderson's video also ruined her career somehow because that didn't go well.

She's like, I really shouldn't have jumped on that. But if you see her now, I mean, she was unreal hot. And then now she's like, again, it's not that she's not like a beautiful girl still. It's just like, it sucks. Seeing time happen to everyone. It sucks. And it happens to your wife sometimes.

And then all of a sudden you get reading glasses and you're like, I haven't seen this bitch in a high sometimes. All of a sudden, you get reading glasses, and you're like, I haven't seen this bitch in a high-dance. I'm here. I agree with you. Who are you? What happened to this face? In high-deaf. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha-ha-ha. You guys, let me see these things even work. Do I even have them? Oh, ho! Who are you? Are your eyes always like you've been puncheders? What's going on? He does that, he goes goes can I help you miss?

What is all this up here? Yeah, no, it's right here This happening. No this way Yes, you was smoking and then to see her now. It's just fucking wack. He's an older lady Hello, boys. Yes, Jans. Oh man. Iome in. I'll tell you who's, I'm number one. Number one hot chick alive is, who married seal? How do you do? Dude, come on. So our kids went to dance class together and it's funny.

You don't recognize seal. I know that sounds crazy. You don't really recognize seal. Seal's fucking big and he's like a big dude. Yeah, he's skinny and he's in great shape It's also covered in facial scars. I know and I swear to God you don't recognize you That was gonna be one of the seven things you said He wears black shirts. He's tall jewelry bald head the whole thing Heidi Klum is He's tall, jewelry, bald head, the whole thing. Heidi Klum is the two women that I've seen in real life that are so beautiful.

You can't stop staring at them. Not even, you don't even know their famous, you're just staring at them. Is Heidi Klum and Reese Witherspoon. Reese Witherspoon is so beautiful. They, I walked past her, she was writing, she was writing in her diary. This is right over around her breakup with a, what the fucking, Ryan Philippe? She's writing in her diary. This is right over around her breakup with

Refuckin Ryan philope. Yeah. She's writing in her diary at this place called Jones on Third and I walk by and she's just so attractive. You can't and I just went, I leaned in and I go, what you're writing about to talk to her and she was like, excuse me? And I was like, oh, fuck, that's reswitherspin. And she was writing clearly about like drama in her life in a diary. She is remarkably beautiful. Where is it in New York? I know L.A. Jones on third. What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What you write? What She became such a Hollywood person, but I lost a thing. I'm telling you hidey clue is is you're staring at her You're staring at her you're staring at her and then your wife says You need her something from her and you're like what is wrong like what's wrong with that? That's weird right?

If it's Samahayak is probably that I yeah, I sat next to Samahayak at a table read and I couldn't even look at her But I'm saying and now she's a lady now as As his recent, as his friend has is Heidi Klum. They're older ladies. Yeah, but she walked in the room. Heidi Klum looks just as good today as she did when she was a kid. And I would say Salma Hayek walked in and I was like, holy shit. When she walked in, I was, she's stunning.

Salma Hayek's got the best kids. Who's your current? Who's your younger crush? Like, I think who's the girl in the room? There's a girl in Nickelodeon, I like. That is, yeah. Oh, okay. Why you're going down to the farm week, huh?

No, my daughter's got a friend. Yeah, my daughter's friend Stacy. No, you can just tell she's going to be hot. I mean, if you got that level of fame or saying shit like that, we're like, yeah, I don't know if I would say that on the radio. It's like, you know, I just watch the Senate live repeat with this one. And I think mine right now is her, H.E.R. I think she is just put her in the

Music fucking gorg. So what age are we talking about young? Cuz I can't go past 33 probably 33. Yeah, that's that's fair 30s. I had a conversation with this about some to someone I had with the girls we guys we fuck girls about the perfect age And this guy wrote it's great listening to old people try to justify fucking old people. Yeah. And I was like, uh, cause I guess they would all just, Christy, don't bring up their performance. Bring up like, well, I guess it's a good place to see the performance though what she does.

It's so hot. She just smoking hot. Beautiful. And she's like, Prince, she's super talented. I didn't know she was on American Idol. I think I told you that. Who? She was on American Idol. I think I told you that. Who? She was on American Idol, her. Oh, right. Christine said she's a Prince Protégé, but I think I should just pull that

out of her ass. Somebody told me that. She was, she was like, I think got far in American Idol when she was young and then went away and came back as her. And her, what, talk about flying your finger to the non-binary folk. I am her. Sucking fucking It must stand for something this H. Period E period. Oh, oh, oh, but I mean still I I don't really have I think she's gorgeous. I think I end up finding older women sexy because it's almost like watching It's almost like watching Jack the latest Jackass. We're like I can't believe he's still doing it you know like she still fucker it's like any fucking any like 25 year old of course it'll be you know who the first woman I remember being like that was Sophia Lauren I remember being like grumpy or old men being like damn so

woman is throwing fucking Rick hell Welch this old woman's doing well yeah they when they were all together but it's that was I used to jerk off to a lot of fat porn because I was like, well, I could probably fuck this chick for real and I could really fantasize about it easier. But that was like that, the waste of time. I don't have to make as many brain jumps. I did, I, volumptuous magazine.

And, uh, what about volumptuous? Oh yeah. volumptuous. Please look up volum shoest. Please. I Wanted I just want to see what their title card is I just want to see how the lump shoest was magazine. Yeah, the magazine It's a lot. It's voluptuous. I think it's spelled voluptuous. I think it's way funnier if it's called voluptuous I think it's voluptuous is so much better voluptuous. Yeah, I don't think it's a magazine if you spell that way voluptuous is just a description. Voluptuous is a hilarious.

Yeah, I think that was a joke. Yeah, dude. Look at it. Yeah, now he's right. It's just voluptuous. I've never been with a really big chick. Really? I don't even mean my wife's like,

135. I don't think that's big. It's not big. But if you saw her naked, you'd be like, she's, well, that sounds horrible. But if you saw her naked, she's not, like she wants, what she wants to look like. she lost a bunch of weight she got like 125 115 I didn't like it so much I was just like I could picture that there's a course of life

that he's there's a one she's got to preview the Oscars coming up there's a I just thought there was when I was younger and was jerking off the porn magazines, I was like, there's a course of life. Yeah. That could, if I lined up, I could fuck a chick who looks, like, and I'd find the thing, I'm like, oh these girls do have a very pretty face in those, tits are awesome.

Sure, they're 90% stretch mark. I used to jerk off to abused monthly. Yes. Because I was like, she doesn't trust anything, we're bookstropping on the first day. But I never, I can get her. I'm like, I'm so nervous. I'm like, I'm like, I'm nervous.

I'm like, I'm nervous. But like, circumstances, I never like jerked off. So like, barely legal magazine and all that kind of stuff, anything with bookstropping on the first getter like this yeah but like certain stations I never like jerked off to like barely legal magazine and all that kind of stuff because I was like the young beautiful like smoking hot girls I was like these girls I said what's the fantasy of you I'll never see

this I remember legitimately in high school looking at girls of the pack 10 and being like these girls wouldn't want me what have I done right going through like Arizona state like and I went to school in the pack 10 and girls wouldn't want me. What have I done? They go through like Arizona State and you're like, this fucking, and I went to school in the pack 10, and they didn't want me.

I was right. But if you were to write from the fat pigs magazine, you probably could have fucked eight of them. But if I got depressed, I got depressed. I would get actually depressed. I'm not even joking. Really? I would get depressed the same way someone would look

at a yacht and go, I'll never have one of those. I would look at my mom had Vogue and Bazaar magazine, and I would look at some yacht and go I'll never have one of those. Yeah, I would look at my mom had Vogue and Bazaar magazine and I would look at some of the women's in there and like and get sad because I was like that will never happen Yeah, I'm never gonna because I was like some kid in Loots, Florida. I was like what are the odds? I get on a yacht with a girl with perfect nipples Her hair is dreaming about nipples Just oh it's the perfect nipples. They're in big cities. I've said this before I've never seen someone put their nipple in a dude's dickhole And I've and there's like the the I want to see that I want to see that Christine come around get over here Jay I want it ready. I want to see it's an in ground trampoline Christine

That's our clip little little Bodifier context. It was a couple of weeks ago. Dan said we went to this place, it was awesome. I had an in-ground trampoline. Yeah, we got an Airbnb with an in-ground trampoline. And Christine proceeded to say, What? What is that even?

Really? And then I started to answer it, but I went, it's all right there in the title of the thing. It's an in in ground trampoline. So that was, and then by the way, so I thought when I said that, she was kind of like, oh, I get it now. And then 15 minutes later in the show, she goes,

I go, like Christina and I'm going to ring ground trampoline and she goes, I just looked it up, I get it now. I go, you had to look it up, you said the word student get you. Wow, it was right there, all, all, all, all, explained. the word student get you. Wow. Wow. It was right there. All explained. Yikes.

Do you have that story about that teacher with the vape cartridges? You got to dig a hole. Is it called Likaris Pizza? Yeah. Dude, I just- I saw it the other night. Is it good?

Well, I mean, yeah. I got this free. Let me start by saying, it is a great movie. It is beautifully shot. It is well-acted. I mean, it's great. Let me let me start by saying it is a great movie. It is beautifully shot It is a well-act I mean fantastically acted the Philip Seymour Hoffman's yeah son And the boy I didn't know that's his son. That's his son the place boy and he is Fucking riveting he has got his daddy's jeans of like putting it on the fucking screen Yeah, the the girl that plays him is awesome. I love that their teeth

were normal. Yes, I'm a haem. I was fucking awesome. Who is it? I think it's one of the girls from haem. Oh really? I'm haem. I'm haem. I'm haem. I'm haem. What's haem? The groups of the groups of group. Yeah, the sisters. They're all there are music groups. Oh, when they're whole family, her whole family said it. Her dad's in her mom's and interstitial, and it's awesome. But the root of the story is, a 15 year old, fallen thus one love of the 25 year old, and then she ends up fucking her dating.

The 25 year old does? Yeah, and so it's like a little hard to look past that. And if you're asking me to be woke, and you want me to start paying attention to certain things, then I can't not notice that. Then a 25 year old fucks a paying attention to certain things, then I can't not notice that. That are 25 year old fucks of 15 year old. Yeah, like I can't, I can't not notice that.

Like it's like, I get it. The casual pedophilia is one of them transcendents, okay. If you're gonna take all context out of everything we say on podcasts, all of it, forever, then we have to also take context out of everything else. I love Paul Thomas Anderson. Can't believe he put pedophilia in a movie. That's the way you have to do it. Can't believe he would be this sick with pedophilia.

What was the one, what was the one, what was the one, I can't say my name, say my name, call me by my name, call me by my name. That was the gay older guy with the young guy, right? Yeah, and you're like, and you're like, and you're like,

and now what Milo said? Oh, well, I'll tell you something. Look, I'm not a Milo fan, but I'm saying like, that's what he said. But it's interesting. I said this, it's weird, the organic nature. I watch all these YouTube has endless hours

of homemade pedophile hunts. We'll go on pedophile hunts. Oh, I've, you have, you have not, Jay's in one one last week. I went on one. He's in with the pedophile hunts. They've got to see anybody, but we watched the guy run for his life in a long, long, long time ago. Yeah, Jay's in with the pet party, but we watched the guy run for his life in a B.C. Yeah, Jay's in with with amateur petafile hunters.

I saw one. I saw one where they got the wrong guy. Yeah, yeah, that was a famous one. That wasn't this guy, but like, do you know what I'm talking about though? Yeah, yeah, and the guys I get it's not and then by the time he goes, no, I didn't say that and here's my thing. It's not me and they were like, sorry. Yeah, they'll eventually be like, sorry. There's also the famous one with the woman who was getting the girl for her and her boyfriend and then she just bitch, she's still like, God, don't let she still.

She's still a Karen, even though she's caught. Yeah, she gets caught outside and it's like, we broke it down, it's like a whole long thing where this guy's like, but you're trying to get a girl, you're trying to get a young girl and she's like, she's like, the guy who I was gonna go with recently, the person was gonna go with recently, or that I went on the hunt with,

he looks for and for whatever reason, it builds such a more interesting story of a vile human being when you're catching a guy, because a lot of these guys think they're talking to a nine year old girl. You have daughters, you know? I've daughters and this is running really close to home because keep going and I'll tell you why yeah

But we remember we found Isabella when she was like 16 or something right there was some 14 14 even yet We found out some guy on some website was like and it was funny the back and forth She was such a kid still that she was like what's your favorite song and he's like I want to fuck you and she's like Okay, I've never heard that one. Yeah, it was that part. Is that a Bieber hit? And it was like, weird shit like that for sure.

So rape you and he's like, I like Nirvana too. Yeah, well, for whatever reason. But whatever reason to them. And this is, I said, if this is unpopular and I understand it's still illegal and if they get in trouble, they get in trouble. So I'm not defending it at all. However, I'm less taken back.

There was one guy who did a lot of New York and New Jersey pedophile hunts. And he was your guy. He was almost exclusively. He was something most entertaining cons, but he was exclusively getting like gay 20 something year old, or maybe older even, I shouldn't say just 20 something year olds, cause it's not, but plenty of 20 something year old,

two were gonna go meet with like a 15 year old boy. And I'm like, it's not okay. I know that. It's not striking me as hard as a guy trying to fucking 15 year old boy. And I'm like, it's not okay. I know that. It's not striking me as hard as a guy trying to fucking nine year old girl and get her to get somebody to secretly drive her to the house. I'm like, I think this is what I've always heard is kind of what happens in the gay community.

And they're kind of like cool about it. One of our friends, one of our friends we know, I'm not gonna say his name, but comic, who's gay. That's how he, that was really, you heard your first experience. It's kind of the I had friends that ended up they were two 14 year olds that were in a relationship with a guy that was 26 who was like playing that's two that's different. That's like here's like playing different sides. Christine James, it's still in normal. I had a

friend who was 11 years old she was having sex with a 56 year old man. My dad used to fuck babies. When they were 14, they thought it was cool, but they ended up being a lost usually. You grow up, you realize, 56 is still old. Well, we had a, I'm trying to paint, I hope my daughter never hears this, but so the other day I go to my coffees,

I've heard this, but I go to my coffees for my daughters early in the morning and I go to text George. I'm George on my oldest and I'm like, I'm like, I can't, I can't, I can't answer and I call and I'm like, she's sound asleep. I go, what are you doing? She goes, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm going to call you back. And I was like, okay.

And then she didn't call back. So I'd life through six year. And I'm just being real. The place she was staying wasn't a nice area of town. Yeah. What's life 360? It's life 360 is, you can track your family members. You know, and you can set up your daughter's phones. They shouldn't know you area of town. Yeah, what's live 360? It's life 360 is you can track your family members You can set up your daughter's phones. They shouldn't know you're tracking her anyway

You're a psycho ex-boyfriend dad. I go I'm fucking I'll take my daughter's 19 and I tell you I don't want that I don't want to see where she is Well, here's the thing also because I was saying I know morning and you have a relationship with your daughter's too So I think it's the right one. I think it's awesome about Isabella more than she does. She'll tell me, so you ever go on like a club night to get you an over club or whatever, and we're this and she tells me if like,

she doesn't really drink at all, but like she was saying it's like this one drink or so and so strong. They're taking ubers and if I say, they just let me know in your home safe, please. If it's three in the morning, which I hate at 19 years old, she texts me. You know what I mean?

So I don't wanna like tracker, because like, I think she's like pretty honest with me. And the things she wouldn't be honest with, if she was like, I'm going to a club tonight, and she's 19, she's going to meet a guy, whatever. I'm like, I don't know, man. Like, I shouldn't know that. Yeah.

Yeah, I can't imagine texting my dad, I was home safe at 19 years old like that just seems like he was getting GB by 17 So you 360 and you see she's staying in a bad like in a part of town that you're like Uh, I can show you that I can show you the apartment. No, this is gonna come back to fuck me, but I mean, it's just it's a part it's an apartment it's no it's not where she said she was saying oh no it's an apartment and I fucking melt down how old is she uh 17 now now I'm very quickly say I call my wife my wife's like here's what's great about Georgia schools that all the parents come from different backgrounds or parents that are don't have a ton of money that they're living in apartments, so it's probably that's where she is.

And I said no, and the name she had said to me, I know where they live. Yeah. And I start spiraling. I start spiraling and what happens is I turn into the guy that got cheated on in college. Yeah. And that's who I turn into.

Yeah, you go back to that exact moment of like the shitty pain of discovering it. You know what, I get worse and worse and worse. By the way, I had CPS called on me from the school for yelling my though because they were telling me she was on a count of four at one point four hours. And yeah, I went like, I'm like, yo, what do you mean?

Like I trust you guys with my daughter, yes. That's very like, I get it. And I start saying to Leanne, she lied to us. Now, she lied to us. She lied to us and she's had a dude's house, like a dude, a dude's apartment. She had a dude's apartment, and I know now where he lives, I know where he lives, and I start to spy. The first thing I'm doing is I'm cutting his fingers off, I'm gonna cut his fingers off, and he is going to jail, and we will press charges, and that is how this works.

Welcome to the fucking real world, and throw on taking in the back and then I clean my gun and then I Shit I'm gonna I'm not gonna go to I don't want to I don't want to burn bridges in this sure but I cuz cuz I Anyway, I start and then I get home. I'm even worse Friends of Chris I'm even worse Charming friends with Chris I'm friends with Chris Funny yeah, but I was like I'm gonna fucking I start spiraling and then I get home and I have by the way I've coffees for this little girl this my little girl my little girl and I'm fucking and I say to me and she's cheating on us So funny and like what the fuck did you just say?

She goes, she goes, you need to stop. Cause we had a moment where George did some bad, did just to just drank and stuff, right there stuff. I lost my shit. Yeah, 17, normal stuff. And I lost my shit. Where she supposed to be this night?

At a friend's house. One girl's name, this one I I heard she gets home and I said so How would last night go can I ask you a question real quick when she pulled up Because you have you have you know you got a front lawn you have a nice place and she's walking up to your house Are you like? Because when I wind up answer for you, you're like you're like here's the moment your heart thumping I bet like you're gonna go you're like, here's the moment. Your heart thumping, I bet. Like, you're gonna get a fist fight racing. Yeah, it's up in your throat.

You know what's crazy is when you're a kid and you fuck up, you have no idea that your parents are on the ropes like that. No. You think they're cool and calm and they're just mad that there's only moving forward. No, you're not realized. You're like, you're like, you're like,

you're also like, I'm responsible for you and like, what the fuck is, I don't know something about you when I thought I know everything. I'm just saying if you're a teenager and you're listening to this, use that. Use it against your parents. They're just as wobbled as you. Oh, I was on, I was in the stool in the corner.

Could you just go in the corner? Fuck, I'm gonna kill her. I'm fucking shaking. I'm so mad. And Leanne's like, we have said to Georgia, she got busted drinking recently and I didn't get mad on the road. I said, I didn't get mad. I said, hey, let's start from here.

Let's be honest. You're going to fuck up. If we start from place of honesty, from here on out, I'm not going to get mad. We can just be honest. And I'm like, this motherfucker, I told her we're going to be honest. Leanne's like, stop. So Georgia comes in and I'm fucking trembling. And I go, we're just stay last night. She says the girl's in and I'm fucking trembling and she and I go

We'd say last night she says the girls name. I'm not listening. I'm not even Just waiting to say your line. I know that's so cool. I'm where where do your parents live? and she says The dance part is here the two like very vaguely and I'm like Here we go. We're getting caught and then I go that's so interesting and then she says yes I think it's across the street from a park or something and I'm like, mm-hmm. Here we go, we're getting caught. And then I go, that's so interesting. And then she says, yeah, it's like, I think it's across the street from a park or something. And I was like, oh, wait, there was a park on Zelo. That's so fun. There was a park on Zelo.

And I was like, wait, is that, is that a pump, Burbank? She goes, she goes, you see the Burbanker Magnolia? And I was like, oh. I go to the house and she goes, no, it's apartment. She goes, I go, what does her mom do? She goes, her mom's nurse. And I said, what is her mom do? She goes her mom's nurse I said what's her dad doing she goes. I don't know shit. I'm a relationship with her dad

No, it this is all tracking pretty and then I'm like oh cool. Oh so shit And I'm like and Leanne Leanne is like what Leanne's like she just caught caught not cheating and so I was like I got you coffee She's like oh thanks dad and I was like cool. I was like you want to go for a hike later? She's like oh thanks dad and I was like cool I was like you want to go for a hike later she's like uh yeah I love to and she walks away and Leanne goes you mother fuck she goes you were about to light her up and I was gonna destroy her yeah for and and and but that fucking energy that feeling is feeling it's you're right it's like the all the shit that comes up from getting cheated on when you're feeling those feelings again But man getting proven wrong and just watching it step by step where you're like Yeah, where were you this place?

You couldn't track her like if it was just like the no no I busted her so many times Yeah, she came home one night and I was like hey, how's the a meeting? She was like huh? I was like you're sitting in charge church parking lot for like one night and I was like hey, how's the a meeting she was like huh? I was like you are sitting in charge church parking lot for if I could four hours and she was like How do you know I was in the church Parkline? I was like life 360 bitch. I follow you everywhere. Oh, it's hold it Oh, yeah, oh I Listen if she turns my six 360 off I go turn it back on I know it's off turn it back on and I do it because I go here's the deal Let's be honest. You're going to college next year. You will drink you will do drugs sure that is the future

Do you turn that off at 18? No only because I want if government something happens sure want to be able to find her Yeah, you've watched too many movies where girls, you know first two years of college That's what take it and I know too many and I know I almost would do that but I almost would do that I almost would do that like I said it for me like I'm not gonna check it unless there's some kind of a thing Or I'm not trying to let your spice spider senses go off and you haven't talked to her I think about that I think at the again is about 19 and here's what you're about to

Have happened. It's very interesting that I could tell you just being that shorter time ahead of you and Me and Christine was talking about the other day actually is is that in one day, and it's her 18th birthday, no matter what, it is just different. Just by law and everything. She could say the next day, like, I'm moving to England by and just go. Not your, just doesn't need your permission, doesn't need your blessing, doesn't need anything. And it's really good that you've built this kind of relationship with them now that like, as I said, I don't feel like my daughters were belling

in any way. She's just living on her own. And she's so my personality that like, I said the one day, her friends went out to like some club party or something. And then one of them got the roommate that was here the other day got like plastered and was making like an ass out of herself.

And Isabelle was kind of like the one in response before getting them back and then she had to drop her off at home and then go back to the party and I know as she's telling me the story I know what I'm about to go I go now when you dropped your roommate off you had no interest in going back out to that party she's like no but the girl already paid for the round trip Uber so I went and then she was drunk and that was annoying so so like I know her and she'll tell me that that's, you've built a good basis for that. So then help me parent this. But it is weird that like in 17,

I mean, I remember that time again. She was like in trouble, a little bit poor 18th birthday. Like you can't go outside, like we're taking this away from you. And then she was 18, moved out not long after and you're just like, well, you're a little person. Yeah, it's like you can make your own decisions. You're gonna go home late.

When she was 17, that would be scary. Like the fact that my eyes are visible, I went and spent the night at a guy's house. It's like, that's her, she's 19, dude. Like, that's a man. I'm cutting fingers off this time. She can. I'm cutting fingers off.

Yeah. Just know, you should almost encourage her to start seeing boys. You can hurt someone before she's 18. Just to show the damage that you're capable of doing. Yeah, just like, no, my dad's a bit of a psycho, although what I have created with that, though, as my daughter said, pretty blatantly to me, like, unless she was ready for a guy to meet family, I wouldn't know about a guy. She was dating and I was like, yeah, it's probably for the best

I get it. She was like, one, she goes, first thing you're going to make fun of them until he wants to not see me anymore. And he's going to come up on the podcast around this radio. She's like, one, she goes, first thing you're going to make fun of them until he wants to not see me anymore. And he's going to come up on the podcast around this radio. She was like, yeah, she's like, she's going to be on four different versions of, she's like until it's a guy who's in completely like in on the thing. She goes, then right? There's like, then maybe she's like, you're not meeting anybody. She's like, I wouldn't even tell you if I was dating. So I argued, I go, have you never been on a date in your entire life? She's like, you would know. I was like was like George that's fair I'll go on her first date and Really yeah, and we weren't allowed to call to date and we had to be and you had to be very careful

I'm hang or something hang was a friend and they went and saw movie and I was like hey don't turn this into a bit It's not a bit. That's so funny that that's a lead for a kid to go like hey dad This stays off stage. Yeah. I don't need a fucking bit about this. I'm going with a nice guy. I kind of, that's what I'm gonna run it all by them. Cause you're used to being as a comic

when you write a joke about someone calling them and being like, hey listen, I feel special. There's a joke about you and it, here's the joke. Instead of being like, don't fucking do a bit about me. I listen to one of the funny statements. I can't say it here, cause it's gonna be my special. I listen to one of the funny statements, I can't say it here, because it's gonna be my special. I listen to one of the funny statements ever, ever, ever,

and it is the most horrific, cancelable statement you could ever make. And it made me cry laughing. And I put, I'm putting it in my special. Does she, is she seeing the bit yet? She has not. And I said, I gotta run a couple things by you guys. And I just- That's the funniest part, we're part really I got a couple things you might want to see what I told about I talked about they're them getting their periods

Yeah, and and it went viral and and then I put it in the special But like I think part of me goes now. I'm like now now. I'm like hey I want to make sure you're clear because like you know in Elliot page trans transition Sorry, Jacob. Sorry, Jake. That was Jacob's number one. Oh, yeah, Jacob's been jerking off to a guy all these years turns out. No idea. I did. Jacob got hit with the switcher. Roo. Elliot Page looks awesome. Yeah. And but when he transitioned, I had a joke. I just said a joke in the like,

because our big show is umbrella academy. Yeah. And out of respect for my daughter, George, I won't say the joke, but I, Leanne, showed me a picture and I just went, no, no, I'm just telling your mom. Yeah, and she goes hey dad I'm the girl that has to go to school and be like hey, I know your dad. He's the transphobic asshole I don't like the joke enough. I don't like the joke enough She's like and you're a big fans and and Elliott Page wrote it's the jokes that bother me And she goes and you're doing just that and if you're a fan don't don't do it. I went all right whatever fuck I don't care.

I'll write a joke about you. From the mouths of babes was my favorite, and I think I've told you, I may have told you in the show before, but it's my favorite Isabella things when she was young, like something's cancelable, but like it was funny, we went, when she was little, like six, seven years old, so.

Can I get another cocktail? You sure? When Isabella was six, seven years old, I'd go to a Sixers Nets game, and she kept saying, the Sixers were in their black jerseys, You sure when we when Isabelle was six seven years old I Twitter with six years of net game and She kept saying the six is wearing their black jerseys and that's where I'm white jerseys She kept saying we're rooting for the black guys, right? Not the white guys and I kept correcting her going like yes We're rooting for the guys in the black jerseys and the white jerseys or the white shirts or the other team

She was okay, and then you know It's which he goes are the black guys coming this direction first time? Or are they gone? I go, you know, the black shirt guys are coming this way now and then half time they're going to go the other direction. She goes, okay, and I just kept correct, I've got five more times. And then at one point just loud, she goes, why are all the players brown? And I was like, and I was like, and I think you'll be like, I had that one she meant. That's she meant that one exactly. We're not talking about the jersey. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

We have to take a break. I don't even know how we can make come back with two minutes left. Either way, Burke Christchurch is on fucking tour, everybody. Go check it out. Burkebert.com. You can check him out. New Jersey, Massachusetts, Pekipsi, Brooklyn, and Providence

for tickets to all sorts of things. It all goes. Again, Burkebert. Oh. Ooh, Spanish caravan. Oh yeah dude, we're the best fucking... Dan Soder gonna be in Hollywood, comedy store, March 31st, and Cubs, comedy club and San Fran the first and the second of April, Rhode Island Austin coming up after that

for tickets and all tour dates go to dansoder.com. Big Jorgers in this weekend, Fort Wayne, Indiana, Grand Rapids, Michigan, and Detroit, Michigan with Bobby Kelly and Ari Shafir, March 24th through the 26th. After that, Ontario, California, DC, and New Jersey, for tickets and other tour dates, bigjaycommy.com, also bonfiremurch.com. We'll be right back. Hang in there, Bird Crusher.

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