The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Fixing Baldness

Episode Date: September 11, 2026

Bobby and DJ Lou consider growing their hair out regardless of their baldness. Jay ponders how to fix it if he starts to lose his hair. | Jay knows all the rumours of big danglers in comedy. | Bob explains the Irish slums where he was raised and Jay has questions. | Bill Burr, Joe DeRosa, and Bobby once made a short film and it seems like Joe took all the credit. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And now, the Bonfire with Big J. O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. You know, Bobby... What's up, buddy? When I won the Salem Cigarettes or be arts competition for comedy... What? At the Roseland Ballroom. You won a competition? Hammerstein Ballroom.

I didn't know that. Nationwide. Oh, because I'm a competition winner, too. I didn't know that. that I was in. Are you now? I didn't know, yeah, of course I won the... What was your competition?

The comedy riot in Boston, the biggest amateur comedy competition in the country at the time. Okay. I mean, I won it as Al the Monkeys. Oh. Well, what do you mean? Oh. That's different. Why are you hitting the music off?

Wait a second. I mean, why is that different? Maybe cut the music. Wait a minute. Why do I not that music... Well, because you guys were just doing silly voices and wearing shirts that matched. First of all. I'm talking about the craft

and the craft in this particular case of white guy doing urban comedy. Well, isn't that silly voices? When it was brought to me. Cut the music real quick. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Isn't that just silly voices and pandering too? There could be some voices and there could be a little bit of pandering. But those pandering thoughts were.

mine and mine only. Okay. Delivered with the risk of failing me alone. Ten toes down. Sorry, a little baddies talk. Ten toes down by myself. Yeah. Living that life.

Mm-hmm. And you had a lot of crutches, one of those crutches being the legendary Al. Yes. I did have Al of Al the Monkeys. I'll tell you what. Al Del Benny makes the document. You've gone on to your own great success. Yeah.

Dan Cook became Dan Cook. There's another monkey in there who ate shit, I guess? No, he actually became a real estate type of mogul. Of course. Don't call him a mogul because he's doing okay for himself. Well, he lived in the East Boston projects and he, the reason why he quit on the monkeys is because he needed, his goal in life was to get his mother out of the projects and get her into a house. He's black?

No, he was white. you said the projects people I said this the other day and people don't understand this the projects I think you said to me the other day okay and it was me not understanding it the projects in Boston were white

just called it an apartment building now they were projects these Boston projects were fucking rough some of all projects were rough I mean I'm telling you dude Boston

that's why the whole I could maybe at night because they have to stay inside from the sun during the day those fucking pasty pink belly assholes well Come get some.

The whole racist thing with Boston, like when people like, you know, white people had so much, I grew up around all poor white people. We were all poor. We all lived in like three family homes. Or you lived in the projects. Like everybody was poor. No, they were projects, dude.

But it was all white. I understand what you, I understand your point you're trying to make. I understand your point. It was all, all white. But it was the... Apartment building. No, no, no. It was...

Yes. Because you're saying, let me just see if I... How many buildings was it? A lot. Like, Somerville projects... So that's an apartment complex. No, it wasn't a complex.

It was the projects. The East Boston projects... Where I grew up... Some of a project were terrible. Where I grew up, then my buddy John, who's in the military, grew up in the projects. Yeah, but was it...

He grew up in a shitty apartment building that was long and had a couple different buildings. No, it was... The Somerva project were huge. It was a whole area of... just section 8 white people go big man section 8 no it was it was all

nice apartment building no dude it was not it was his east boston project were gross dude like it was a shitty area or town a fucking mix it was uh disgusting mix it was all italian irish oh god fucking oil back fucking animals east boston was it mostly italian but the projects were

Italian Irish and he what the first half it's the greatest fucking combination ever fucking made by sex. Italian Irish? Italian Irish is the greatest combination ever made by sex. Either that, a Japanese is Sicilian. No.

A Japanese Italian is probably... Oh, potato and tomato. Dude, Irish Italian is the sexiest people on the fucking planet for decades. The Irish people? Irish Italian mix when you mix it. That's the best? It's one of the best. I would say Italian Japanese.

Is that what Megan Fox is? What does... I think she might be Italian Irish? Maybe. You can throw that dart because none of us know for sure. Yeah, I'll throw the dart. I would say half Eskimo and half. No, Eskimo.

Native something. No, because they have. No, I'm telling you, that's what you do. You got to get a little bit of Eskimo in something else, and that's exotic. You've got to get exotic, but it's got to be tall and it's going to have blonde. Could you imagine a Nigerian, half Nigerian, half Eskimo? No. Picture God, you know how gorgeous Godfrey is?

Yeah, I see a guy for us. I mean, it's going to be, it's going to be. Take that body. Already a handsome guy. Okay. Now we Eskimo that a little bit. Look how unique he looks now, too. I mean, unique, yes, but not proportionate.

He gets to keep his big black penis. Yeah, I'm not talking about the penis part. I'm talking about, like, the facial structure. I mean, Eskimo is a very, how can I say it as well, being racist? It's a flatter face. Yeah. Right? like Hawaiians, they're good-looking people, but they're, you know, kind of...

Does your stomach problem work for HR? My stomach is actually... I don't keep trying to stop you, you go, because these people... I mean, these flat, can I say flat faces? I try, I swear to God, I try not to eat anything before I come into the show. Like, I've tried to change my consumption of protein before the show for my... farts then I tried to change it for my my my my my whatever this thing is happening in me I've maybe I'm not eating and maybe I should eat more I don't know the combination I don't know if

does that mean yes two grumbles if he should eat more or one if he should eat less so I should eat more no no that was one grumble so don't eat less less but I ate very small a little small portion this morning hey Bobby's parasite did Bobby fart in the studio yesterday It was not me. No, he says no. Yep, it was not me. And I thought about it later, because sometimes I have to think about my farts later.

Weird. To be, and it was not me. I never farted and said, was that me? Well, I believe he actually means it. I do. I believe so, too. I, I, 100% mean it. Because.

You're such a casual farter that sometimes they'll just pop out because you go, that's what I do. And then you're like, oh, wait, I forgot. Oh, yeah. I'm in society. I'm not, I'm not as racist against. Farts as you guys. I think Farts are hilarious. By the way, I'm an equal opportunity. I hate

all races of Farts. I don't. Did I tell you, I forgot to tell you, we were at the concert. Did I tell you this? We're at the concert, the Zach Topps concert, having a blast. Toppy Bottoms? We're at Toppy Bottoms. We're at Toppy Bottoms. I mean, I told you, I fell in love with Don again.

Like, I'm just romantic. I can't believe, like, the feelings I was having, you know, just very grateful. Like my family, you know, it was great. And the guy in front of us, this young dude, 20-something, 27, 25, country dude, him and his chick, one of them farted. So disgusting. Loud or just eat?

No loud. Dude, Dawn and Max immediately looked at me. Yeah. And we're like, what the hell? Like, they were angry. That's how bad it was. Can't you see him falling off of my family again? And it was, dude, it was so bad.

It was fucking beer, some type of jerky, cigarettes, hard alcohol, and some type of catfish. It was just, I mean, and it hung there, too. It was close to a shit. You know what I mean? Like, whatever he had. You know, I'm realizing funny recently is that Isabella because she's my daughter. You know, I view her as a girl, though, too. Do you know what I mean?

Like, but she's my dog. So it is funny that she will talk to me because I still, I'm kind of like, all right. Like, she'll be like,

oh, yeah, I went to that place. I blew up that bathroom or something like that or just like, yeah, I feel like she would fart in front of me. I'm like,

Isabella, be a girl. Anyways, you put a pin in it for you because that's, I'm your pin guy. You're talking about the competition you want

and apparently my competition because I was with, oh, I was going to put a pin something else. I was going to ask this first, but hold that pin still. I got that pin.

We got to get back to that pen. I would like to get, because I didn't know you want to come to. I'm not looking to start a beef because my guess would be the answer is yes. Okay. But anytime somebody says, I'm sorry to cut you off. Anytime somebody says I'm not looking to start a beef, in my experience growing up, there's a beef coming. No, you'll hear right out of the gate says this is not a beef. This is a real question because I assume the answer is yes.

I assume the answer is good for the other person. Okay. I just think it's surprising that all of the black comedians who have moms. Monster dicks. You tend to know that about them. Yeah. Artie Fuqua. Bing.

Monster cock. Will Silvens. Wack. Fucking swinging dick. Little Kev. Uh, little Kev. Huge. Huge dick. Keith.

Never. No. No. What? No. Wait a minute. What? Have you heard someone say Keith's got a huge dick?

Yeah. You have. I mean, it was Keith. But yeah. The Keith always tells the story that's so funny with him and Kev hooking up with the two girls. and then when Kev pulled his big huge weaner out, the girl with Keith was looking over and just kind of like making pee pants dances over there

until Keith was like, go ahead. Yeah, but it's perspective with Little Kev too. You know, his cock is perspective. Maybe Keith's got a big fat hog. I've never heard that rumor. It's like Andre the Giant holding up a regular beer can. It looks like a baby little beer can. It's the opposite with Little Kev.

You see his cock, you're adding three to four inches perspective-wise when you see it on that. No doubt. No doubt. So I would say that I, yeah, I mean, we know that Keith, we know people Keith has been with and that would be with Keith's shitty attitude and aggressive assholesess, that would have got out there. And they say he's got a biggie.

Yeah. Okay, great. I actually have a girl that I'm not rooting against Keith's big penis. I'm just saying, I've never heard that to be like the room or middle room. That's why I'm someone asking my question was going to be. It's why I said my guess is yes. But for what a coxman, he's been through the times. I've known him, Godfrey.

I've never heard anybody say Godfrey's got a monster cock, but how can he not? Because... He's so African. Yeah, I've never heard that that is so interesting. Isn't that weird, right? I've never heard... And I've, he's been a cocksmith for a long time. Yes, I've never heard girls say he doesn't have a big dick, like coming angry in some

way, but I've never heard anybody say he's got a big dick. And I would assume he's got... That'd be the curse of being Godfrey as if you even have, like, a regular... size dick that like you're gonna go how i was expecting this guy to come in with like the punishment i was with a girl that was with godfrey at similar times i was with her first he went with her second i went back to the well you remember we're not starting a beef we're not starting a beef but i remember asking her about that yeah yeah and what she say and i believe she says it's i believe she didn't I didn't say it was a monster.

Okay. She said it was nice. Okay. And I didn't want to ask if it was bigger than mine because I knew the answer. Yes. Or you don't have to say yes so quickly. Well, when Godfrey asked her the question, she said, fine. Yeah, I mean, I do.

I'll be honest with. There was a girl that I was with that was around the comedy community for a minute a few years ago. That was spreading the word that Bob Kelly, somebody came up to me. I believe it was a waitress or somebody. Yeah. I heard you have a big dick. I was like, what? She goes, what, I was talking to what's her name?

Oh, tiny pussy Tina. That is her nickname. I wasn't going to reveal her. She's a curiously small pussy. She was saying, she was saying that I had a big piece. Really? Yeah. That was nice of her.

I don't know, I mean. Did you threaten her? No, I didn't threaten her. But I think, I think back in the day when I was thin thin, my piece was my, what it is. Yeah. And I believe I have a, I have a, not a big one, but I have a bigger than average one. I hear you. But she was, she was Israeli.

So she's coming from a little dick place. She's also me. Yeah. So again, it's perspective. Actually, Israel, I thought are like big fat danglers, man. Big, big, hairy. Yeah, look at Ari's dick and balls. It's like that's what it is.

They're all like sad, desert roaming dicks. Yeah, you're right. You does have a weird big. Yeah, but it looks like it's sad and like mopee, mopeily moving. across life, you know what? It doesn't look like it's, like, excited. Does look like Ari's face. I've never seen Ari's boner.

I maybe, I don't know what gets him there. I've tried everything. I've tried it all. I've tried everything possible. I've never seen it hard. Yeah, dude, I'm sure your dick's fucking fantastic. By the way, I'm sure Godfrey's dick is fantastic. I just think it's weird that, like, how much you hear about Ardys and wills.

And by the way, from them, themselves. You know what I mean? And that might not be Godfrey style to self-promote like that. I don't, from what I remember, because I know if she was like he's got a massive thing. But also Will and already have proven to me that they have monster colors. Yeah, through photos. And then I've made them prove it to other people who didn't believe me when I said it. Yeah.

They won't send them though, no matter how much you ask. No. But they do have them very quickly on their phone. They always keep it to the front. It's on like favorite. Yes, it's right. It's don't folder. Yeah.

Yeah, if you go, hey, can you show him the, he's already going in his phone, like face ID. He just calls you from another number, and that's the phone that comes up, he calls you from the dick number. The dick number? Oh, yeah, I got an easier way. She said that, I remember she said that Goughrey was really good. Yeah. And she said, but I was more.

Sensual. Yeah, so that's exactly what she said. Yeah. Was she white? Yeah, so he's got a lot of anger towards her. He probably had a lot of anger towards her. He probably had a lot of anger. towards it too. Yeah, for having sex with a black guy.

No. She's getting hot hanger burned on both ends. Yeah, that's interesting that you think about that because you would think that he is so muscular and big. He is a... My guess is he's got a... My guess is it's huge. And that girl's a lying bitch and trying to make you feel good about your little pecker. No, she didn't say it was small. She said it wasn't a monster. Yeah, but we're dealing with fucking freak dicks. Will's, that's a freak dick. Yes.

Kevin's a freak penis. Yeah, and Artie. And Artie's a, I mean, I told you. Twelve legitimate inches of cough. When we were in, when he got in the accident, we went to visit him in the hospital, the rehab. He lost two inches of cock in that accident. No one noticed.

And he was just lying in the bed and he wasn't, he wasn't himself. He had a brain injury, so we were just sitting there. And he kept taking his wang out and flipping it. like flipping it side to side and like whipping it around. And it was this fucking... You got to make sure everything works.

Physical therapy. We were just laughing, but we couldn't... We didn't... You know, we couldn't stop looking at it because he kept taking it out and swinging it around and flipping it in front of us. And we were just like, dude, you got to stop. He's like, ah, all right.

And he was just flapping it to side. But it was so big, soft with a brain injury. You know what I mean? Christine just brought up what a 12-inch dick looks like. Let me see? No one asked. It was on a phone. By the way, all of a sudden,

all of a sudden, taking the bull by the horns on looking stuff up over here. Should have texted to herself. Yeah, it's off screens or she can send it to herself. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty obscene. What, a 12 inch dick?

Yeah. It's nuts. Yeah, 12 inch. I mean, if you can get to nuts. There are nuts, but you'll never get to those. Yeah, 12 inch. It's a nice penis. It is, Jacob.

I would say like a girl who, and I don't know this, Christine, maybe you could, I don't want to put you on a spot. at all but to have a guy with that big of a penis to have to suck it must not be fun I'd say sucking it and fucking it I'd say a 12 inch dick is probably to some degree of relationship problem or the guy never like a lot of times when he fucks he does he has to learn how to like come from just like putting some of his dick in my stomach was like that's not true they love it oh listen there might be some girls who like love it and and the novelty of it

and like that they can take it at all but nobody would want to that on a regular daily base 12 inches? I just don't like working that hard for it. Yeah, I agree. I agree. Like when you watch somebody like a porno with a girl blowing guy with a huge cock, it doesn't. I would imagine if you're gonna blow somebody,

you wanna go all the way down on it, you want to do, you limit your techniques. Yeah. If it's too big. Blue missed that wink after you said the word imagine. I would imagine that it's probably saltier and you think, and you might gag a little, But you get past that, it's fine.

Realistically, then, what is... It's good protein, free protein. Realistically, then, what is the ceiling where it's... You cross over... Dude, penis length is a gas... It's a glass ceiling. I guess. And I'm busting right through it.

What's the ceiling of a... I think, honest to God... I think... I think anyone would say... I think any girl, if you pulled them, the average thing would come out to a girl going, like, this is awesome because it's big. But it's not devastating.

It's probably like seven inches, seven and a half inches, tops. Yeah, because your techniques, all your little things you learn, you get to use on that. You get to going all the way down, the licking the top, going on the side, you know. As a guy fucking, you can put your dick the whole way in always. All the way in. It's just, I think that's what I go. I think when you get to like the eight and nines, even if I'm sure the novelty is good, I feel like this is just from talking to people.

Sure. They're like, yeah. Sure it is. Oh, listen, there's definitely size queens out there that think they want that for sure. She's like just on the head. Yeah. That's a bad blowjob on a fucking six inch tick. I would say, too, it sucks to have that big of a dick

because you're never going to get that full blow job. You're only getting the head. He's fine. That's not fine. That looks like a, that looks like an elephant. Yeah, well, his looks particularly. It's like deformed. Well, it's bent because gravity is ripping it to the earth.

or they break it. Some of these guys get that Peroni's disease because they're huge dicks like they fucking bang it. Like when they comes out and they fucking wail it too hard, it bends. Yeah, they bump into a hip bone. Well, I think that also happens.

And this might be the science is talking here. It takes so much to get a 12-inch dick hard, hard, hard. Yeah. So even when you watch it in porn, those guys a lot of times are like stuffing a not fully hard dick in the place. They can still fuck with it because it's that big. But I have a feeling, though, there's still the cartilage in there.

So when it's like that half hard like that, is probably very easy to fucking hurt it and bend it. I wonder if it affects your heart, like the blood having to go into that monster dick. That much blood would affect... No, I'm fine. I get hard all the time, dude. My heart's doing great. Your dick would what they call perfect.

My feet go numb. Every time I get hard, my feet go numb. Everybody can enjoy your dick. Any age. Everybody. any asshole yeah any age any girl can be like this is this is fine this is fine it's nice old young bring me your fat bring me your thin everyone can enjoy this yeah everybody can enjoy jay's cock boss was talking about that today i was talking to him and he was like

it makes me so sick because he's 70 he's like my dick at all times is just terrible like god forbid anybody saw my dick just instantly i would be so so embarrassing to like his dick it's weird too because his dick does nothing anymore like he doesn't eat there's a point where we're not going to use our dicks anymore like they're going to be just for peeing sure right like voss was like i don't use my dick at all just for peeing yeah like that's a fucking scary that's that's gonna suck well it's also sad because uh body's pretty fuckable Would you think about it? No, I was just thinking about Bonnie, yeah.

You thought less. You thought less about Godfrey's dick. He's young and spry. Oh, yeah, Godfrey's got a big dick. Bonnie, I guess she's fuckable. No, she's fuckable. You were saying fuckable. So a nice way of saying she's pretty, very pretty.

She's fuckable. Pretty in shape. Yeah, I'd fucking drop her the biz. Funny, tell us great stories. Donnie, she just dresses like a comic from Harrisburg PA. Oh, absolutely, dude. She was Jeremy Hots. Yeah, dude.

Bonnie could get dolled up quick, but every time I see her. Is that Bonnie or Hunter-E. Thompson? Yeah. She wasn't she wearing a bikini shirt? No, I don't know. She was wearing a hat. She always looks like she's solving a crime on the side. Yeah.

She was in blue blockers like Jeffrey Dahmer. Yeah. I mean, Bonnie is very pretty. When she gets dolled up, she's very pretty. Yeah. But what's to get done? dolled up for you with a guy whose dick is useless.

He can't get hard? I mean, I guess he could. He's got to take a pill. But he has his own room, which is weird. So, like, they watch their shows. He goes the closest to having sex with... My wife is, when we have the same snack when we're watching our show. And I was like, fuck.

A bummer. Yeah, it's kind of a bummer. Oh, yeah. You know, and then he goes to his room and she goes to... I couldn't imagine. that. I couldn't imagine... What's their age difference? I don't know. 60 years?

60 years? I think it's 60? Yeah. Well, that's the problem with marrying... When you marry a young girl, there's going to be a point where you're just dead. But Buddy's not young anymore, but how much older is Vost than her? He's 70. She's got to be in her early 50s, so at least 20. No. She's 50?

No, I don't think so. She's got to be around 50. She's in her 40s. No, no. No, she's old. Look it up. Maybe you're right. I don't know.

I was wrong yesterday with Rob Zombie. I said 70. She's born 73. Yeah, she's 52, 53. She's 53. 52. Well, it depends when she was born, but it's true. I'm doing it based off my age, but yeah.

Actually, one, Wikipedia says 69 and AI Google says 73. No, that's what she's into. She's in the 69. She's in a 73-year-old. Yeah. It just mushes in her face It's all code Yeah

Oh fuck So she's in her early 50s And boss is 70 70 70 70 No 69 69 No he's 70 No the birthday we went to a 69

Was it? Yeah I'm pretty sure he's 70 When 70 You lied? I don't know maybe you're right He tells me 70 I'll tell me he's probably

He's probably just doing the round up Yeah He's 70 He's closer to a 70 than 60. He was 18 years older. Yeah. I think he's, yeah, 18, 20, but it doesn't matter.

Jacob's dream. Yeah, I couldn't imagine. It's okay. I couldn't imagine marrying. It's like when you marry, like, people who got, like, older guys who are with young trans girls, there's going to be a point. You know, like, if you're with a, if you're with a trans girl, right, there's going to be a point where you're both in your 50s.

Like, are you going to, are she just going to turn into like a, like an old dude? Like, is there a point where, like, are you going to get res? Well, you hope that she, like, electrolysis off her asshole hair. So, like, that doesn't come back all old man. Yeah, you don't want to. I mean, they got to take care of their ear hair and all that stuff. Well, you got to take care of your baldness, too, because if you get receding hairline, you don't want to, you don't want to fuck.

You know what I mean? Hey, listen out there, trans. Before you make any crazy decisions, remember, you're going to age. Yeah, like, aging for a. It's tough to age for a woman and it's tough to age for a man in many ways. Yeah. It's got to be fucking crazy to age for a trans. Well, I think it's so easy to age for a guy.

We get to just get old. We get to go bald. We get to gray. No, but you're still going to get to like the, you've got to really do a lot to keep yourself not gross, whether it be your hair. Women have to do way more. Women. When they get older, yeah, guys. Yeah, you're right.

You're right. Yeah, we get to go bald and gray. and all that shit. Women have to try to keep it together. That's why women... Well, you guys go bald. Dude. Well, we know you're not going to go bald

because the first sign of you going bald, you're going to go get hair transplants. Absolutely. You're going to fix that shit. Before I'm bald, I'll be wearing baddies wigs. Yeah. You see my hair fucking corn rode up with some big glamorous, fiery wig.

Yeah, you bald would suck. Oh, patient. Total patient. Just to see your hat come off at a concert. I looked like. Did you ever see the movie identity? where the whole movie was happening in the guy's head John Cusack movie

when I shave my head looks like the guy he's the he plays like Superman's dad now I think Dalt Pruitt something that actor Taylor Vance or something Is that what it is his eyes are always moving around Oh that's him yeah yeah yeah yeah he's got that It's a disease right it's a it's a

That's what I think if I shave my head I look like someone I think there's a murder mystery happening inside my head Buddy when he does when he's on acting roles It fucks me up every time I wish there was a a AI thing that they could just fix his eye so it doesn't just dart back and forth.

Oh, but it's something that's part of the character he is. He's Superman's dad and one of the new ones, right? Yeah, he's Superman's dad. In the newest? In the newest one, and his eyes are flipping back and forth. Yeah. It's like, we love you no matter what, son. I wish you wouldn't come back every couple of years

and be entirely from person. Michael Kane would hate his acting. Yeah, to me, that's what my head is what I look like with his show. I'm not doing it. You can't. You can't do that. You could never shave your head. Young Frankenstein.

You can't shave your beard. You don't have to. Can't shave my beard either, yeah. Can never shave your beard and you can't shave your head. You know? Yeah. And your eyebrows is so good. You have such nice full eyebrows.

Manicured. Yeah, but you bald with those eyebrows. You would look like that, you'd look like that doctor game that used to play. Yeah, operation. Yeah, operation. You look like that guy. I would look like operation. What do you even, but you have like Samson hair?

No. You have perfect hair. No. Lewis keeps telling me I don't because he wants me to feel bad about my hair. He says you don't have perfect hair? He says I'm tall so it's okay because on top that it's very thin. Can I see it? Sure.

You always put a lot of stuff in it too. I do put a lot stuff. Nah, dude, you're good. You're good for life, kid. Well, wait a second. Bend down a little more. What's wrong with it? No, you're fucking sick for life, kid.

I don't see any shallow. It's so nice. Yeah, you get great hair, dude. Yeah. I love it. And if you did, I would secretly, I probably couldn't hide it. That you would be telling me. Yeah.

You'd think, there's a little something there. Yeah, but there's nothing there. Your hair is perfect. Now, yeah, if you were slowly going bald, we'd enjoy it. We would never tell you, too, so you wouldn't do anything about it. What would grow in if you grow it in now? We got to do some kind of a bet where you and DJ Lou have to grow your hair. I'm, look it.

I grew it out. When I was on vacation this summer, I grew it out. I didn't shave for the whole week and a half. And I age very rapidly. Really? Yeah, because it... I mean, Lewis has like a fucking George Jefferson. That's what I have.

Yeah? But I have a hair in the front. So I have a little baby girl in the front. Sweepie? So, yeah, I have a sweepie. Yeah, I was sweeping in the front. So when I grew it out, it all, it all... comes out, it's all gray by the way, even in the back a little bit now.

There's a little black in the back, but it's, it comes out on the sides, around the back, and then up front I have a little, a little baby, a little sweepie. That's so funny. But I will take that bet. If there is a bet where we have to grow a hair back for a month, we'll find some. I would 100% do that. We'll find some. Because I would like to see what it looks like.

Oh, yeah. That'd be very exciting. Because I could go get hair transplants now. I could go do it. Of course. But I don't know if I want hair. I just remember hair being such a pain in the ass. I just leave the house.

Also, it seems, and look this up, to me to be wrong. And I see it happening with Dan. And Dan's, I know very happy and he looks good that he has his hair and a full head of hair. But the hair texture, it becomes like Eugene Levy hair. It's back of the head hair. Mixed in with your actual, like, regular, like, front hair.

it's like it's like if someone Not his particularly But I've seen it where it looks like if someone put like They might as well put you like your dick hair On your head. Well that's what it is. Back of the head hair is like protection hair.

Yeah. It all becomes Eugene Levy hair. Yeah. Yeah. It's back of the head hair. Dude is rougher and coarser And front of the head hair is like softer And you can style it

You can do things. Yeah. Back of the head hair is for protection. Yes. It's supposed to be there. From predator birds. Yeah. From predator birds

And the sun. Oh, and the sun. Yeah, also the sun, I guess. Yeah, it is a texture difference. Like, that's what I'm worried about, too. Like, my hair is curly. Yeah. So if I got hair from the back.

Man, it's so funny. I would, I want, we got to figure out a bit. Were you in Lou? What will you grow? What will happen? I grew it out during the pandemic. I just stopped shaving it for a while. And it wasn't gray, but I don't know.

What do you see? But where would it be? Oh, I mean. You'd have like Larry David. Woody? Because I'm looking at it right there. Yeah, it looks like it goes around. Oh, I see the horses.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a full horseshoe. You'd have a Picard. I'd be single again. I'd tell you that. Why? Because I'd age 10 years. So what?

It's true. I got to be me. Yeah, you got to be you, dude. All right, let's do it. Let's see what happens. Tell your Black Indian girlfriend, you're a god. They believe anything's a god. How about we do it?

We'll do it until somebody looks bad enough where it's affecting their lives. That's going to happen quick. You never gets humiliated first and taps out. It's going to be Lou. Lou's going to tap out first, for sure. Yes, if his girlfriend gives one squeak of like, I don't like this.

I don't like it. You look like my uncle? You're a cornball. What are you doing now? Your head looks so old now. You look like my professor? You're OG? It's true.

I mean, Dawn's not going to leave you. Hello, old head. I'm good. I'm all good, thank you. Don's not going to leave me. No, she's not leaving me, because she has nothing. She has nothing. She has nothing.

What she's going to do crafts? Yeah, Bobby's going to take everything except this fucking book holder. Bitch going to get a kiosk in the mall. Saw an old Bobby selling. Kelly sees like Bob Marley's mom. Yeah, this is a powerful feeling knowing Don has nothing without me. She's nothing. You should grow your toenails out.

You'd be like, deal with it. I tell you what. No, I did once she got mad at me. Yeah, she should. Because I had my head, those toenails I have. They're not good. Yeah. You don't have to tell me about it.

I'll tell you about it. The big toenail, the big toenails on the both feet. I guess I had one that was terrible, but it touched the other one and gave it to the other one. And it got so bad that my toenail came off. And it was almost like a cheese. Ew. Like a, like a, you know, the string. cheese like the pull cheese

underneath we're having lasagna for lunch too yeah it was very much that's funny you bring that up very much like the lasagna but the top part the top of the nail look like the top of lasagna how it's kind of cooked

but the underneath fungus toes I got well why don't you take care of yourself well if you take to hear about this shit if you take well what happened when the tonio fell off right it actually

grew back and it happened when I lost weight. And since I lost weight, the right toe got better. So that doesn't have fungus anymore. I think it was due to weight. Like, there wasn't enough circulation going to my feet or something. Because I told you, I used to eat, and my feet would get tinkly. Like they felt wet when I was really fat. Stroke, love. I know. You're okay with one fungus toe? Well, when the toenail fell off, it grew back, and a lot of it went away. So there's still a little bit there.

But the medicine you take for toenial fungus could destroy your kidney. It's very bad. I think it's your kidney or liver. It's like you have to take the risk of... Worth it. I just paint it black. Don't do that. You should...

I don't know. Facebook or something, one of those things showed me a video of some stuff. It was an ad. It says it might have been on World Star Hip-Hop, the ad. But it shows someone with funky toes. and they put something on it and it turns to a foam and then gives you a brand new toe.

It's bullshit. What? It's bullshit. Why? I think it adds character. You're such a boomer. It's character. Let you know I'm here.

That's not true. When I show up, you get something to look at. Yeah. You're looking around. You're like, you're like, is it. Oh, yeah, he's 1% wood. Yeah. It is like wet wood.

What is that? What is that parasite? Oh, it embarrasses you? I know. Oh, you can't pick your host, you know what I mean? Yes? I was going to tell you that I wanted to bring up a story because you got, you triggered me yesterday. Am I crazy?

You triggered me yesterday. Why is I going to say, though? Is it crazy or does Jacob and Parasite sound exactly? I thought that was still Parasite. Listen to them back to back. Give me a little parasite? Jacob, you go. That can't be me.

I don't have the same voice. Who is that? Who is that? Now let's do one, and let's not tell you who it is. Close your eyes. Okay, go ahead. Hello I'm talking now

I mean I'm just saying I have a story that I wanted to bring up Bobby I only know because I'm looking at the screen That's Jacob That's Jacob That's not Jacob

Yeah yeah Oh my god I thought that was you Oh no it's not It's not That was parasite That was parasite I was the first person I was the first guy

It's fucking wild It's weird It's weird I just happened sometimes I'm about the same tone Yesterday you brought up playing Bachi ball. Christine didn't know what it is. But this is like 20 years ago.

I don't know, my family was me, my brother, my sister, my mom went to this Italian restaurant, and they have a back portion, like a garden where there was a Bachi court. And that was the big thing about this stupid restaurant. I've never played it. But my sister wanted to play it. So while we were eating, that was the thing.

You just went up while you were waiting for your food and asked for the set of botchy balls to play this game that I had never played before. And this Gindaloon manager gave me this fucking face. Like, we weren't pizons, so he didn't want to give us the balls. And it was a whole thing. Like, he just gave us this fucking stink face because he didn't want to. want us to desecrate his dumb guinea game that I didn't really give a fuck about. Jacob. I fucking hated this guy.

He does not like Italians. I didn't give a shit about his dumb Italian game. Is this where your hatred for Italians came from? No. That was long. No, it had long been established already. I agree with it a few things. Those little not cookies aren't cookies.

They're breadsticks. They're not cookies. The Italians are fucking ridiculous. What you mean the biscotti? Just a little, sort of looks like a fucking miscal. Italian cookies are one of the worst cookies ever. Fucking disgusting. They're dry.

They're not good. And everybody raves about them. Now the seven layer cookie, whatever you call that, dry color? Yeah, it's the rainbow cookie. That's great. I mean, it's all right. It's good, but it's not my favorite cookie. But Italian cookies, when people bring Italian cookies to a party, I'm like, all right, well,

no one's eating those. Well, I'm going to go around and get all these and take them off and put them on my own plate. Jacob now because of somebody who doesn't eat cheese with meat or doesn't do carbs like that some of that hatred has to do with the fact that like you can't even a pre a lot of people deal with stupid Italian bullshit people that care about being Italian that much the weighing out the balance is somewhere in the ladder of that guy

there's a lady with fucking saggy baggy arms who makes amazing fucking food yeah and the trickle down of that that's showed you to make it ultimately delicious Italian food. You don't really eat a lot of Italian food. So you're... That's my cheat. I mean, if my cheat in life would be pizza or pasta. So you do like Italians for something.

I like the food. Can I ask a question? I'll make it on my own. I don't need their dumb hands to make it. I've got a little bolognays, but with Parmesan cheese on it. That's too heavy for me. I don't want it. What kind of mutt are you?

What is your... thing. There's no mut. What are you? 100%. What? He's a very bad boy. What are you?

A very bad boy. Are you just full Jewish? Yeah. So you're 100% Jewish. Yeah. Half Dalmatian. Really? And all the things the Jewish people are going through right now,

you feel like attacking, as you say, Gindaloons is what you want? Is that what you want to do? Yes. Really? You can't attack. I don't think he's going to attack Palestine at work. Bobby, you know I'm right. You were both on the Wise Guy show.

I don't think either one of you are disagreeing with me. It's such a fleeting memory in my mind. I don't know how long I was on for, maybe the whole show. But, I mean, I have no, like memory other than I'm like, oh, yeah, I fucking did it. I came into that studio. Jeff Singer used to book it somehow. Yeah, yeah, right? His dumb hat.

It was a Jeff Singer thing. Jeff Singer got me on late-night TV, even if it was removed immediately afterwards. I did it. Jeff Singer went out of his way to remove me from tough crowd. Yeah? Yeah. Well, the guy had a vision. Colin wanted me to be a writer.

I submitted a writing packet to that show. I submitted sketches. Are you a good writer? I don't mean that obviously you're funny. I'm saying, are you good for writing what I learned? The problem with that, because I got the writing on Z-Rock a little bit. And then they were like, it's all funny. He's like, but it's just, you have to say all this.

Like, this isn't stuff. So that's what I'm not good at writing to other people's voices. I'm a, I mean, I'm an okay writer. I can write, but I can't. I'm not a good writer at all. No, when you're comparing to writers, no, they're great. I mean, if you look at it, Patrice, Keith, Norton, they were all writers on tough crowd and they all got fired.

Because he would just go in the room and they'd just be fucking around, not writing. Yeah. But I think creatively, you know, I, I, came up with a bunch of bits and I wrote them out but I like you know I have I didn't know this back then I had ADHD I have dyslexia I have all these right I have all these things that prevent me from writing things the right well I'll write and twice I write the twice I and actually these are all doctor diagnosed yeah excuses well not excuses but I have oh what's the word but uh no I've I've written a bunch of stuff I've written a bunch of pilots a bunch of things I've

the Writers Guild. Yeah. Yeah. I've written a bunch of things. But I would have to have somebody kind of go over it. Hold your hand. And fix it.

But no, but writing dialogue and stuff like that. Kiss you on the neck and say you're doing great, baby. I do. I love that. If there was somebody who could do it. Nobody writes a funnier than you, baby. No, I can write good stuff that you read and like, wow, this is great,

but it has to be fixed. Like when we wrote the book, I wrote a lot of chapters of that book of cheat. Billy wrote a lot. Joe tapped out halfway through and goes, I got nothing. Wow. So we wrote, when I wrote that,

I wrote thousands of words. I wrote a bunch of chapters, but the editor had to go in and fix the wording of my stuff because it was like, this is all great shit, but we have to put this here and it would explain to me what,

you know, you wrote this whole thing, but I'm going to cut that here and put, you know, he had to go in and edit it and make it. So, because there's a difference between... You should just know for the record that Joe DeRosa says he wrote I wrote 85% of that book.

Oh, I would not even... He says that he was hard to get you guys locked in and that at the end of the day, your guy's stuff just wasn't as good. Yeah, I would agree that he would say that. There he is. He's in your head. Went free.

When we were at Tribeca Film Festival, we were in, the movie got in. Oh, I love the story. It hurt me so bad. I don't know if you told this recently on the show, but it's worth telling again. Yeah, when we're literally sitting, the Tribeca Film Festival.

We went from... Robert De Niro's excuse to fuck black bitches in New York. I was at an event with De Niro there Of course, dude It was like crazy We went from A lot of black women coming and show up for cheat We went from hey man

We should do Nobody's giving us any opportunities Let's just write our own thing We'll film it We'll spend it We'll do all the stuff In a diner And then a year and a half later

Being in the Tribeca Film Festival With our short film Having a book deal With Simon and Schuster an FX deal for a show. Like, it's crazy. And we're at the festival. I'm there with Dawn.

Billy's there. We're all, it's amazing. They show the movie. It crushes. And then they call for the director to come up. And not, he didn't even acknowledge us to even come down. I like that. That was his moment.

You can't sit there and write the whole thing, dude. He has to do the speeches. Yeah, it was like, watch. to me that he didn't even go, Billy, Bobby, you know, come down. Did you guys win? Directed by Joe DeRosa and Joe DeRosa. Look at that. It says it twice.

Primary cast, Joe DeRosa, Bill Burr, and Bobby Kelly. Colin Quinn, Bonnie McFarlane, Rich Voss. Who does it say written by? It says written by us three, I would hope. Director Joe DeRosa, once again, if you didn't get that from the first, directed by him twice. editor Joe DeRosa Producer Lou Wallach, Bill Burr, Robert Kelly and Joe DeRosa

Okay, well there's the rub there Producer Bill Burr and to reach Bill Burr you go to Joe DeRosa This is all DeRosa This is all derosa He filled all these forms out I love this so much He filled it all out

Producer Robert Kelly Catching Four Pictures LLC Brooklyn Joe DeRosa Is to reach out for you too Bobby Yeah, it's all Joe DeRosa. This is all Joe DeRosa. Yep, he filled out all this stuff.

I love this so much. Wow, I know it saw this. This makes me so happy, and it makes you so. Wait, go back down. There's more things I want to read off. Directors manager, Conan Smith. Oh, so good. Scroll up.

Anyone, if you need Bill Burr. And can I tell you, my manager at the Times, Jim Serpico is the one that made the book deal, Tribeca, the FX, it was all him. Oh, Lou, I'm an idiot. bleep out also Joe DeRose's email Oh my Take a note

No you know what Lou Don't Leave Joe de Roses's email in I wanted to get a bunch of emails That's so great What I did learn though Because I have a film Going into festivals

The only thing that they really like They want That you have to have You have a director of the You have to have a photo of the director And then a three photos of the movie from the movie. So they really do

they do really lift up the director of the movie is the guy. And when you shoot a sitcom, I didn't know this, I don't know if you know this, if you shoot a sitcom, if you're the director of the first episode, you get paid for the lifetime of the sitcom. Nice.

You get paid for, I don't know what, it's in the Directors Guild or whatever. DeRose has really been you guys over. I love it. Can we hear the interview because I bet this is going to be cringes balls? Oh, maybe, yeah.

Oh, we did an interview? Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Oh, God. Christine found this faster than she found 12-inch black cock. That's fast. Wait, go back. Go back.

I want to see what it says about three friends on a mission. This is a short? Yeah, we made a short. This is an interview about the short. We made a short called cheat. All right. I'll read off what the screen says. A chat with comedians, Bill Burr, Joe De Rosa, and Bobby Kelly.

About their short film, cheat. Three friends on a mission? Fuck. I didn't see what it said. Goes too fast. Bobby mentioned at the end. Bobby kidding. Three friends on a mission

to pull off the perfect score. Well, we frame the whole movie as a bank heist. You understand? So we open up like we're going to pull a bank heist, but it's really Joe, our friend, wants to cheat on his girlfriend while she's away,

and we teach him how to do it. The perfect cheat. And then he winds up to do it. It's actually a pretty good movie. It's pretty cool. You get to see Jodorosa topless too, which is horrifying. Oh, I thought this was in comedy. This is comedy or short form variety.

I mean, it's not lone in that, you know, where there's a lot of passion and feeling it. Different. It's different. Totally different thing. Go ahead. Please play this. I'm so excited.

Is this your first short film? First little short film that we've done. Why does Joe have a lazy eye in this video? It's like Biggie Smalls. Oh, this is perfect. Play this. This is great. Rewind that just a little bit.

This is exactly what happened. And then Joe said, you guys mind if I direct it, me and Bobby shot each other a look like, does he know what he's doing? And it turned out he did. Yeah. We just basically like, don't make us look like assholes because that's really the biggest thing is the directing and the editing. It's not what happened.

Joe, Joe, after we got all the money, I love Joe DeRosa. A little. No, I love him. He's one of my favorites. But he's not like family. No, he is my family. Joe is one of my longest friends. Would he be sad or if I died?

Yeah. A lot of people would be, no, he's going to be sad. If Joe dies, people are going to go, yeah, I know it. Sorry coming. Yeah, first you're going to guess he goes, he killed himself?

And he goes, no, no, no. Actually, it's like something medical happened. Oh, shit. Okay. An ex-boyfriend shot him? What? No, no. No.

No. No. You know, an open mic, female, stabbed him in the throat and cut his dick up? No, no. trade his corpse afterwards, yes, I do that. But he came, so when we got this, the deal was

we came up with a budget, we all have to come up with money. Joe couldn't, didn't have the money. So Joe borrowed the money from somebody else. Mafia. No. Close, but no. His friend who dressed as a character

and was a dancer at Dorney Park. No. Lou Wallet. Oh. So he borrowed Lou's money. Former Comedy Central. executive. But at the time, no. But yes, but he wasn't there anymore. He was fired. It was over. That's why he was willing to do this with Joe DeRosa. So he put up Joe's money. So now we get the money, but he's involved. And which bit us in the ass at the end, by the way. What? Because it was supposed to be a short and then it became a book deal. Then it became a TV deal.

Lou was like, yeah, fuck you. I'm in for the ride. And we were like, dude, we can't have you come in to FX with us you can't but he did no he didn't we had we paid him off what me and Billy had to pay him off and then the show didn't happen huh then the show never happened show never happened because it became he paid him off for nothing dude it got weird the show we the show we wrote was something like this but then it became that we were like some type of gang and we had a club in hell's kitchen when people don't have an idea when people don't have an idea It's so fucking funny. The Legion of Skagic, we had that best, one of the best ones.

We went in there first with like, I don't know if it was before or after. It was all part of the same thing, but we went on there with a show, master debaters, they were going to call it. There were like a debate show, comedians and stuff, just like a dumb. It was like true TV we went into. And we made a deck with, what's his name, Apostle? Yeah. What's, I forget his name?

Jim Serpico. Jim Serpico. Yeah, with Jim Serpico. We made a deck with like a set and blah, blah, blah. We went in there and they did the, one of the biggest things I heard. It always happens in like meetings like that when they were about to fucking swindle your idea. They go, oh, yeah, we already kind of have a show in development like this. But these are some really good ideas.

Yeah. Well, there's that. And then they do, I think for some reason, I forget why, but they still wanted to do something with, like, Legion of Skanks. They liked us to some degree. But when they like, they gave us, like, like, I think at one point we got like four grand each meant the world to us, by the way. And it was like developing the show, which went from like, well, you just kind of film the show, like Howard Stern's show style.

You know, like I was just like on the show the E show and like filming the show's got a bunch of weird stuff. You could put like a late night weekly or something like that once a night. And then they were like, yeah, we kind of like that. And then I'm so just starting at that, just filming the show basically and putting some like shortened version on TV. by our last meeting we're in the woods with a kid who's a fan and his mom who doesn't like us

and we're trying to do camping and I remember when it got to the thing where it was like well we ended up talking to a fan who has a son who he's like you know so I think they'd be willing to like do this

and we were just can we all have the $4,000 and just pretend this never happened and like without almost like unspoken and they were just sort of like, sure. And we just, it was just one phone, one of our last meetings were just the last phone call. There was nothing official.

It was just like, I remember we lived in East Village still and I was outside walk around the meeting, and I came and almost relieved. I was like, well, that's over, thank God. I don't know what the fuck that even, I'm like, we're in the woods now and building lean-toes and, you know, whatever. It's like, can you survive with this kid and his mom?

His kid's a big fan and his mom doesn't like you. Like, this is, what are we doing? We had no idea we were doing. And by the way, they're willing to give money and have meetings every week and just go, well, maybe it'd be good if we bring in, like, maybe you guys do like exotic animals. You're like, well, what does this have to do with us just doing the podcast and this? It started off with us in a studio, just doing our show.