The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Floppy Sun Hat (feat. Dusty Slay)

Episode Date: March 14, 2024

Comic Dusty Slay is up from Nashville to promote his new special and Bobby caught a woman peeing on the subway.

I'm Bobby Kelly and it's Big Jay Okerson. We're actually a full radio show on Sirius XM Not just a podcast for full episodes of the bonfire You can listen on the Sirius XM app go to Sirius XM comm slash bonfire for a special offer And now the bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly Yeah, Steely Dan coming at you with My Old School. Steely Dan, both of them are dead. One died before the other. Can you guess who?

Call a 19. No. Only one's dead. Like I said, that was a trick question, Jay. Donald Fagan's still alive. You get 55 tickets to the Paramount on the 20th to see Big Jay Oakeson and Robert Kelly next week. The 8th through 20th callers each get 100 tickets for this week's show at the Huntington.

You give us a bunch of hearts, likes, and we'll see if the Paramount will have us back. Do we should make employee the month three before Dane Cook gets out part two? Like Lone? Let's leapfrog it. Let's see if we can get them to get behind Lone. Part 3. It's the Bonfire Faction Talk Series XM103, Big Jokers and Robert Kelly. We got the whole crew in the house.

We have a great guest in here. First time on the show, everyone. Making his debut here. He's got his debut hour, special hour right now called Working Man. It's available on Netflix. Absolutely hilarious. He's also going to be at the Hartford Funny Bone March 15th and 16th. And then he's going to be in Lincoln, Nebraska, Iowa City, Florida and Atlanta

Everybody it is the hilarious Dusty Slay. All right, we're having a good time Just got into New York today. Oh you did? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, this is such a nice building that you're in I love to like like fumble around down there like they have to show my Tennessee license and it's fun to fumble around like what do I do? Like part of me really doesn't know what to do and another part likes to play it up. I think- What is this crazy UFO? Yeah, I think people think it's cute.

They're into it. Don't do it. Do me a favor. Don't do that in Times Square. They'll kill you. Yeah. Well, once I'm in the building. Yeah, in the building you can do it.

In Times Square they'll be like, this is mine. He don't know. Yeah. It'd be great in Prechtal Jokers though. You send them out there to be like, I'm in the building. Yeah, in the building you can do it. In Times Square they'll be like, this is mine, he don't know. Yeah. They're great imprectal jokers though. You send them out there to be like, I'm lost and I only have $2,000 cash on me. Would you kind of gold tooth gentleman help me out? This dumb Rolex, I think it's a Rolex my dad gave me.

Oh, I like, that is a good bid, if I didn't get stabbed trying to get it. Yeah. Bobby got almost stabbed in the train and he was just walking around with snacks. I, yeah, it was bad. My first time, I've been here for half, most of my life I've been in New York,

but this year, last year it was a guy. It was my fault though. He said, I almost hit him, he flipped out, you walk away. But the stairs took us back together. It sucked, because I went this way, he went that way, but my stair, where I was going. So I was there, it looked like I was following him, and he turned around, motherfucker.

You did the right thing. Yeah, I did the- You never break the stair first, or you're the pussy. I broke the stair first. And- He still almost got stabbed, because he knew he had your heart. If you never would have broke,

he would have never pulled that knife out if you gave him a stab right through his heart. Oh, he did pull the knife out. Well, here's what happened. Slash Bobby's trail mix. Yeah, my Starbucks snack pack bag. Wow. Thank God he didn't cut through the cheese or the egg.

I don't do the subway at all now. I used to do it a little bit back in the day, but I've seen too much internet now. I'm like terrified. The internet's not wrong. Yeah. He came at me so, like, here's the thing though. We were gonna fight, which I was, it was like, all right, let's go. So I was like terrified. The internet's not wrong. He came at me so, like I, here's the thing though, we were gonna fight, which I was,

it was like, all right, let's go. So I was like, let's fight. So we were both ready to go. Are you both using the fighting stance of the fighting Irish? Because. We both did this. Bobby, I gotta be honest, I do not enjoy your,

so we were gonna fight, okay? We were like this. So I told him to put up his dukes. I wonder if that's so old school that it is intimidating. If I did it by myself. Maybe a Jack Johnson, I wonder if that's so old-school that it is intimidating If I did it by maybe a Jack Johnson, but I know some kind of old-timey fight Yeah, he was old too and he did the same thing Yeah, and then we just did like a dance like the Michael Jackson video and like two merchant Marines fighting Yeah, come on you piece of shit way too long of not fighting

So I pushed him real as hard as I could I was like I said something like enough and I pushed him as hard as I could. I was like, I said something like enough, and I pushed him, and he fell back. Wow. He fell back, and that's when he took a knife out, and he was like, you're dead, motherfucker. Whoa. And I heard it go snap, and then he came at me, and I started running, and he's calling me a pussy. He kept going, I knew you were a pussy, I knew,

and I felt it going, you're the pussy. Yeah, you pulled out a the pussy Yeah, I was gonna imagine imagine now what Bobby's feeling knowing that he's still two verses away from Michael Jackson walking in to stop this nonsense Me Michael Jackson stuff it and be like Bobby crazy, crazy Puerto Rican, come on dude, just a little bit of this. Mm mm mm, that'll do it. Yeah, no one's gonna stop. Come on MJ. If the internet has taught me anything, it's no one's gonna stop the fight. Nobody stopped the fight.

Nobody, you know what people did? They went away. Yeah. They just disappeared and as soon as it was over, these old women, these old white women came out of nowhere and just started talking, you okay? Is everything all right? Should we call the police?

And I was like, no, get the fuck away from me. And then the guy with the vest who works there, I was like, hey man, a guy just attacked me with a knife. He goes, yeah man, that was fucked up, I saw that. I was like, all right, this is New York. I'm, I guess. He's like, my advice, get a knife. Or Uber next time.

Yeah, I steer clear. My daughter's 21 and she'll come, like during the day if she's coming over or something, it's like, sure, take the train I guess. But like, at nighttime for sure. I love the subway, I love it. I do too, but you have to, you stick to the wall like,

spackle it. There's rules that you do, and I fell off. I know not to engage. I don't wanna be in a position where somebody can pee next to me and I can't do anything other than get physical or try to escape it.

I don't wanna be in that decision-making mode anymore. And I always look lost. That's why, like, in this building, it's fun to ham it. I don't wanna be in that decision-making mode anymore. And I always look lost. That's why, like, in this building, it's fun to ham it up a little bit. But on the streets, yeah, I don't, you know, I always look a little lost. Even if I know where I'm going, I'm like, I look lost. Yeah, you look like, if you're in Times Square,

I'd go, hey, can I get a picture with you? Like you're playing it up. Oh, yeah. If it wasn't for Brooklyn, most people are gonna assume you're from out of town an easy mark Yeah, I mean, that's yeah, I'd stay off the subway Elmo wanted a picture with me and I was like, do you want a picture with me or do you think I want a picture with you? Elmo confused

I saw the Elmos and the Mickey Mouse's in the subway getting ready and it's just MS 13 guys They got like 13s on their necks. Bunch of thug life tattoos on the bellies. They tried to grab me. I was like, do you really think that I alone, a grown man, wants a picture with Elmo and Cookie Monster on there? I was like, maybe you're more of a Spider-Man guy.

Yeah. Times Square is a fucking mess. They're changing everything in the city to be just awful. You hear the Uber guys and stuff now complaining. They just put the tax now on just driving in New York City during the day. Is that up? Is that up now?

Yeah. Congestion tax, yeah. It's up. I got charged that coming here today. So I'm getting charged $8 to come over the bridge uptown, another $20 to go past 60th, and then I gotta pay $40-something dollars to park. That's $100 a day.

Parachutes over, dude, make demands. But at least our politicians are working hard to get rid of TikTok for us. At least that's what's happening right now. You gotta make a good point, man. You made it feel better. But they get our data that way. Well, I don't know when this started, Jay,

you brought this up, that the National Guard is now patrolling the subway. I like that. They weren't yesterday. Me and Andy went to the cellar on the train, and there was a lady just pissing. No families walking by. But was she hot, though?

No, not at all. Oh, then ew, oh, then ew. No, she was- It never is hot. She was nice from far, but far from nice Let me let me take issue there you hang out after that side of a nightclub is letting out drunk, okay? Yeah, I've seen actually probably pissing in the street. I've actually probably seen more attractive girls doing that outside of the club Yeah, I wasn't thinking the bar scene. I'd say it was one of my favorite moments ever was when they still had the...

What was it called? The Comedy Works in Montreal? Jimbo's Comedy Works? Yeah. There used to be a club there. Now back where you'd go to, like, smoke cigarettes or whatever was just essentially a... What do you call it? Like a fire escape. That goes to... And it was freezing wintertime.

Whole parking lot downstairs is empty and frozen over, which is ice and snow. And, but it was, it was just a lady went into this empty parking lot and just, God, I felt bad. It was one of the few voyeuristic things I felt genuinely bad about, uh, because she was looking,

she desperately had to piss, clearly, and she looked every single direction in the world except up. And she thought the coast was clear, and just did a full pants to the ankles, like full piss. And then when she was close to being done pissing, we were younger. We all started clapping. Because watching someone get jolted while pissing

is pretty funny in the snow We weren't that cool about it, but that said what a moment And yeah after nightclubs. I've seen a lot of girls pissing. I've seen I've seen a lot of shits Somebody shitting outside is always ugly. There you go. There's the girl hot or not. That was yesterday. I mean her face Her face says it all the face is face is not the position of it. Yeah. It's context also, Bobby. Let me tell you.

Am I road weary? She's a diner waitress offering me a warm place to sleep if I just, I don't know, pretend to kiss that with happiness. She was so excited. She just got passed at the cellar. Oh, nice. Yeah. I love her sharpie eyeliner.

She's a few bad decisions away from attractiveness, I think. Agreed. Yeah. Can I tell you something? I thought there'd be grosser things happening on those legs. No. She's got a comedy express jacket on. Now I will tell you that her shoes are now, the bottoms are definitely piss covered.

Oh yeah, you can see it coming out a little bit. I've flooded a lot of parking lots. Yeah. I mean. Just go for it. I've flooded a lot of parking lots. Yeah. I mean. Just go for it. I gotta pee all the time. Why? I don't know.

They say, they're always like, oh, if you pee a lot, you got diabetes. And I'm like, well, I drink a lot. And every time I pee, there's a lot of pee. It's not phantom pees out here. I mean, I gotta go. Are you a big drinker? I don't, not alcohol.

I mean, I quit drinking. But I mean, I'm just drinking all the time. Like, when you were floating that other water around here, part of me was like, well, you know, I can take it. You can't even leave it here. I'm not going to say no to free water. Also, I will say this picture, I wish you took a video, Bobby, because it's hard to tell in this picture if she's heroin

nodding or just having a really satisfying piss. You know what I mean? Because her face is a little bit like, ooh, there's the stuff, that's all coming out. This is gonna buy me five more hours. She was having a very satisfying piss. Okay. Because she was not nodding. She wasn't nodding.

Later on I saw our guy nodding. That's a whole different vibe. That was, she was thinking about tomorrow and all the shit she has to do. She's a little bit. She looks upset. She's a little bit together. She's awful looking.

She's upset because she's peeing outside. She's a little bit together though She's awful looking. She's upset because she's peeing outside. She's a little bit together though for what you think this would be. I think more together in an emergency or significantly less together. What's the thing coming out of the back there? The other kind of clothing item. It's double jacket.

It's cold out here, say. Oh, okay, okay. It was a double jacket she had on. So she's a bum. I don't know if she's a bum because those pants don't look bummy. Or the shoes. Yeah.

The shoes are what don't look bummy. The pants look pretty bummy. She looks like she dated a rock star back in the day and it didn't work out. He died. I feel like she's on one of those prostitution websites with lots of filters. Oh, could you imagine showing up in that's there?

Oh, full girlfriend experience, dude. I'm kissing her in the mouth immediately. Buh, buh. Maybe you guys see this a lot, Imagine showing up and that's there. Oh, full girlfriend experience, dude. I'm kissing her in the mouth immediately. Blup. Blup. Maybe you guys see this a lot, but I saw a lady today with all of her belongings on the street, stretched out, no shoes on, scrolling her phone.

Yeah, that's called the, what are they? They just sent them here. Yeah, they plug them, they plug into the, there's those little things you could charge your phones at. Yeah. You see that in the East Village a lot too, all the heroin kids. Yeah, I mean, this just seemed like a lady.

I would not think she was homeless. They sent 150,000, there's 150,000 people that came to New York from the border that they put up, they put them up in hotels, but I think during the day they might have to go out and they have all their shit with them. And then they go back in or something like that or they they're waiting for their hotels I envy the can they get a phone they all get a phone too. Okay, give them a phone

They give them the hotel room and they give them a little cash I think it's wild that even homeless people are addicted to their phones though. That's what I you know It's like you got you know, you should be looking you know for job job I'll show you how content it's true. If you have all your belongings surrounded right around you Yeah, no one's booting you off. The weather right now is stunning Yeah in New York to just be outside all day Flipping through a phone that never runs out of power because you're connected to a city power source Yeah, I envy the content of that. Yeah, they're like, this isn't bad. Like this is all right here.

I got a phone, do a little online window shopping. Sometimes I think about like prison like that. I'm like, you give me meals, I get to work out, get banged out once in a while. It's not bad. Have some guys straighten my shit out the right way. I can learn to read. I can get my lawyer's degree.

I can pass the bar. This is pretty wild. Christine, copy this picture and use it for when we send out wedding invitations one day Yeah, can somebody make a flyer with this for our show next week that we only sold How many tickets do it was before we let this lady come for free sell it out, please? Damn, she didn't have probably taking a picture. Just slide. I did it sly I was gonna do video but then she looked my way and that face looking at you was just frightening. Maybe it was her boyfriend that tried to stab you. You never know, dude.

She's like, I'll kiss on your memory. That would be my luck if he came up, what are you doing, you motherfucker? That's my cheek. If you saw him again, would you recognize him? Yeah, I've looked for him. I look for him every time. I take the train.

To what, exact vengeance? No, I just don't wanna get stabbed again. Oh, you always keep your eye for that. You think he's got time I take the train. To what, exact vengeance? No, I just don't want to get stabbed again. Oh, you always keep your eye for that. You think he's got also you on the brain. Well, he was not a bum. He was a guy taking the subway. You know what I mean? So he probably took.

He had very little to lose. No, he was just a guy. He pulled a knife out in a subway scuffle with a guy who didn't, he's gonna fucking kill him. What do you think Jacob's gonna do if he gets into a subway scuffle? I hope to God he pulls out both knives. All 17?

Yeah, I want you to pull them out and throw them. It's on. Right. You know I'm ready. You live in Tennessee, Dusty. Yeah. Do you carry a gun when you're home? No, I have guns at home, but I don't,

you know, I'm in the car. I walked more today than I think I've walked in the last six months. I mean, I just drive in places. Did you grow up like, did you grow up the way you look? Uh, yeah. I don't know how I'm going to say it, I'm sorry. Is your childhood this?

Did you have chickens? Well, no, but I did, you know, I grew up divorced parents and my mom lived in a trailer park, my dad lives on a farm, and yeah, so I did grow up how I look. Really? This was, yeah. Trailer park's an interesting community.

Did you grow up hunting and all that stuff? Hunting a little bit, but I was always a little more of a weird kind of artsy kid, you know? So I was hunting, but, you know, I wasn't good at it I would fall asleep and you're hunting and then giving reviews on donut shops. Yeah I give this a four out of five If reviews were around when I was a kid, yeah Yeah, I mean, you know, we just grew up country. I mean, you know, I grew up raising cows

We didn't have chickens, but we had cows. Were your parents young? Horses. No, they were, my dad was 35 when I was born. So you're a cowboy? You're a country cowboy type of guy. Yeah, I guess so. We are too. Most of us here, Jacob's not, but we are.

Yeah. Jacob's a real city sissy. Yeah. I'm a cowboy. Yeah, we're all cowboys. No, Jacob's not. Actually, Jacob's not. Okay.

We came in last week, all cowboyed up. Marcus King, you know Marcus. Yeah, Marcus King was on. Oh, I know Marcus King. We had all. The Nashville guy. Yeah. Jay made the call, cowboy.

We all had stuff like that. Nobody had to go shopping, had the hats. We came in except for old Poindexter right over there. You didn't have any of it. No They use their other thread. I don't know if you if you consider a barracuda jacket cowboy Yeah, hey, and Yellowstone and Yellowstone. They call you half timers. You know, I mean like you're there half the use you go out there to Vacation get your little hunts on I got a lot of your city. I got a lot of this gear I never wear.

I would love to have done Cowboy Day here. I wish I had known. I would have. We're gonna do it again. I'd love to walk around New York City full on Cowboy. I actually walked. It does command looks that I thought, because I left the house like that.

And I was like. People don't think you're in costume. And I was like, but when I left the house like that, I was like, oh man, I'm gonna have to explain. A lot of people are gonna be like, what's going here? It just commanded respect. I went to the parking lot that I've gone to for a year, didn't say, as I got out, didn't say a word,

and then I took the subway from here all the way to the cellar as a cowboy in that outfit. Not one peep, almost, people got out of my way. Oh yeah. And there was girls looking at me like, hey, what's up? It's a good look. It's a great look.

If you wear that in Tennessee, then you're not really sticking out. It's almost like you're a tourist if you're in Nashville. Nashville though, I do feel bad because there is, I believe, a real cowboy culture down there, but you are constantly dealing with the weekend, the bachelorette parties, and the dudes who go and buy cowboy hats like we do, but wear them that week proudly, like

it's our look. I mean, T.J. Miller looks like a new bag of tortilla chips. A new flavor? He looks like a new flavor. El Rancho, spicy-o. Habanero Ranch. That's what I see in the airport when I fly home on Sundays it's all the people leaving Nashville and they have their cowboy, sometimes they'll have two or three hats on.

Stacks on. They have no way to travel home with it. Me and Dawn do that when we go on vacation. We have our stupid sun hats, those big ones. She makes me carry them and she has them on a coat hanger We have to clip them on the back of the seat What's up, buddy our sun hats? Yeah, we have Three sun hats you have a big floppy sun hat not a floppy one. Mine's not floppy mines a man son hat

You know the big like a cigar like the big wicker hats. Yeah, what are you saying? Jay, I don't think you should have to bring that with you anywhere. Why is that? It's a novelty gift. No, the sun. You're describing a sombrero. No, that, that's exact hat I have.

Yeah, it's like a cigar hat, I think. Yeah, it's more like a Cuban type of hat. Like a Tampa nugget. There you go, Tampa nugget, I like that. I'm gonna use that. It's a Tampa nugget, Jay. Respect the nugget. No.

You wouldn't, you wouldn't. I hateugget. No. You wouldn't have. I hate you. I don't like. I hate you. You're just solid no. It's not gonna happen. I don't like that hat on you. I'm getting you one.

Nope. No, it's coming. Do not. I'm getting you one. Okay, now maybe these were talking. The little more outback Jack. The white one. Yeah, on the top right.

I have that one. Yeah. I have that one too. Yeah, I have that one too. You have that one too, Panama. That's a nice one. Yeah, I have one of those. In tweed. Yeah, you can roll that up in your bag and it pops right back to shape.

Yeah, I did the Miami. I have that one too. The whole Cuban vibe down there, that's where it's at, I mean those hats. I have that one, do you like the blue one right there? I have that one. You should throw that out. Why?

What, you in Shown Ups Gang from The Last Dragon? I have that one when I go fly fishing. You look crazy What are you a show-offs gang from The Last Dragon? I have that one when I go fly fishing. Don't you want to be attractive? You look like a break dance, Drew. No. What am I going to be attractive for? For what? I think I'm going to take my shirt off.

Is this what you do? You go on vacation, ugly yourself up, so you have to spend time with your family? Yeah. Yeah. Because what am I going to go, look like a fool at the pool, look with all these hot chicks? I don't think I'm a goddamn idiot.

I'll just hang out with my wife who loves me for my stupid outfit I probably have five different hats. I bring when I go to Aruba. Do you like the thick sunscreen that doesn't blend? Christine I'm not an asshole. I bet you put zinc on your nose. I don't put zinc. I'm not a lifeguard Yeah, you are. No, I'm not. I do do put sunblock on I do a little sunny block SPF what 50? 50 yeah, I'll throw on 70 when I was young when I think both I do have a little sunblock on. I do have a little sunblock. SPF what? 50. 50? 50, yeah. I'll throw on 70. When I was young, when I was good. I would think both of you guys would tan well.

I tan well. When I was younger, when I was younger, I used to put oil on. Like just tropical oil and just sit out there. Carrot oil. I'm anti-sunscreen, I don't do it. Really? Why?

I just, I like the sun, I think it's good for you. Really, you have a bathing suit? Yeah. You go like like you go topless and Don't be caught topless on guys You do when I'm in Florida. I'll take my shirt off to walk to the gas station. You remove your top Dusty can we see your chest? I wouldn't pull it off. It's not appropriate for me to be shirtless inside I don't have that kind of body, but I got an outside shirtless body. You have an outside beach.

But are you pretty tan? Do you tan good? Yeah, I tan, yeah. I blotch up. I'm white and I get red. Oh yeah, no, I tan well. I know, me too. I turned Dominican in the summer if I want to.

Yeah. Yeah. But Dawn won't let me do it. She's, you know, every woman's into sunblock. Get a put sunblock on before you go out. I hate it. You still tan with sunblock on. Yeah, you can, but it's not as good.

I used to get dark. I used to get dark. I had dark. I had my little tan lines down there. My little bush fat was white. Yeah, I mean, we're all about, my dad did, growing up, he did ride the tractor. You know, overalls, no shirt.

He had the real authentic farmers tan Yeah, I mean we're all about it right I'll tell you what just Bobby used to wear overalls and nothing underneath, but he was doing that to show off to city chicks Yeah, he's doing yeah, no underwear underneath. Oh, yeah, whip it out easy at a party. Yeah How do you think he got his wife Carol up there taking a piss on the subway? Yeah, I don't know why Christine chose that as a screen saver today, but that has been up there the entire time. I just noticed something else that was under it.

What was under it? The cowboy picture that you were dressed in. I moved the cowboy picture and that was just still under it. Where did you shoot your special? Knoxville, Tennessee. Oh, no shit, I love Knoxville. Yeah, Knoxville's great. Every time I film something,

it's like if it's a late night or the Netflix half hour I did, it's always in New York or LA, and I'm like, it's fine. But I do comedy in the South and the Midwest, mostly. So I'm like, I want to do a special where I'm in front of the people that I'm performing for most of the time. Do you remember Side Splitters?

Yeah, well, you mean the one in Knoxville? It was the worst club on planet, one of the worst clubs I've ever performed at ever. I yelled because it was- It's out of business now, I guess. Out of business. It was fucking terrible. I was there-

That's what I heard. It was so bad. It was, the guy who owns SideSplitters, Bobby Jewell owned that one. Oh, okay. And it was fucking terrible. And I was there one night, there was six people there. And the two people, it was a couple in the front row,

this lady and a guy, they were just making out. Making out during my set. And I just smashed them. I just started, you know, I was calling her all kinds of fucking names and, you know, whatever. I was just doing whatever I could, because they were like fuck you.

And then they kicked her out and she ran back in and screamed at me because I think I was calling her Puerto Rican or something. And she comes back in and she goes, I'm fucking Hawaiian. And then threw a beer. I was like fuck, this place sucks. Like an SEC school town seems like the worst place

for a club. I don't know any of them with a good club Yeah, Bobby doesn't know what SEC means. Yeah, I do Go on. Okay. It's a bad school. Nope. Well, we're like the best college football cities. I think yeah the best I'm sorry, Dusty. That's okay. I have no parachute I'm sorry, Dusty, apologize real quick. I have no parachute anymore so fuck you, James. You and your test bugged me, okay? He said, you go to an SEC college town and you went, yeah.

Yeah, because I don't wanna stop the flow of conversation with my dumbness and you gotta call, this is why, it's not that you do it, it's how you do it. Do you understand what I'm saying? It's not that you quiz us or confront, it's how you do it. Do you understand what I'm saying? It's not that you quiz us or confront, it's how you do it. That wasn't even quizzing, that was calling out that you just don't know.

Here's what, yeah, but the way you did it, you're leaning back in your chair, you're looking at Dusty, and you slowly looked over at me. I couldn't tell you what teams are in the SEC, and I mean that, I don't know anything about college sports, but I know what SEC is. Well, it keeps changing, but yeah. But I know what the SEC is. Well, with side splitters, about 10 years ago,

I was trying to get into that club, so I went to do the open mic to meet them, and they found out right before the open mic that the club was closing, and so the girl reading the lineup was crying because she had just lost her job. Well this is your big night I don't want to take it up with my bullshit. So you know I ran the light and it was a lot of fun I was like I drove

down here so I'm gonna get some time. Have you done that uh what's that other no tour wow look at that. Yeah dude it was like dude. I'll tell you what though I yelled at I would have flourished in that club though. I loved those. Bad, it was bad. The first places you could headline ever were like those. It was bad, dude. And you go and just like, I don't know, I used to love those places.

I liked those ones too. The middle of it went up with like four hoodies and sweatshirts and his whole last five minutes was. Taking them off. Just doing the joke and then holding the hoodie up and giving a hard sales pitch on that. And then on the front porch, Bobby Jew called me up the next day.

He goes, hey man, you can't be doing, and I went, fuck you. I go, this is bullshit. You don't have a bouncer. These people attacked me. They threw a beer. This place is bullshit. You can go fucking fire me.

I'll leave right now. It wasn't me, it was your staff should be on these people to shut the fuck up. And he literally went, all right, well let me have a talk with him. I was like, nice. I wanna perform in front of a chicken wire, like Roadhouse, like Jeff Healy. This segment is brought to you by Metro.

What is nada yada yada? It's a fun way of saying something serious. No BS, which is important during tax season. Metro won't screw you over with surprises, secret gotchas of bullshit switching to Metro means saying no to compromise I want to play this game it's a simple game where you'll be reading a comedy bit yes somebody's joke comedian comedians, you read it in your tone, which is flat line. Right. And yet somehow shrill and shrieky.

All at the same time. All at once. It's deep bass and also piercing dog whistle. Somehow it gives me goose pimples of fear. You read the joke and we have to guess who the joke is. Whoever guess first wins and the other one has to take a chip with a hot sauce of your choosing. No, no, no. Not choosing. We're just going ghost pepper sauce. Jacob, the new game. This is a board game coming out.

What comedian is it anyway? What comedian is it anyway? What comedian is it? Anyway. Whose joke is it anyway? Whose joke is it anyway? Hot Fire Edition. Here we go. Ready?

Wait, wait, wait. Here we go. The... Thanks, Black Lou. We're working on some hot stuff. We're gonna, uh... Jacob's gonna read a comedian's joke in his beautiful tone. Actually, Jacob, Jacob you do an

impression of the comedian while you're doing it no no no no no no no no no no I believe you would that would be really fun yes to read it in his mouth yeah how about this when I don't want to do it in the comedian this is my Dave Chappelle whoever has yeah I can't do that whoever whoever wins then you have to do it in their voice you have to tell it you have to do it in their voice. You have to do the joke the way it was meant to be done. How's that? That's fair.

That's fair. That's fair. It's fair. Why? Why? We do voices all the time. Here we go. Are you picking people they know?

Yeah, this is... Yeah, don't make it Eddie Izzard. You'll know right away. Christina will be like, I love that joke. So am I directing this to both of you or one of her? You're just putting it out there. Whoever answers first. Just the first one.

Do you guys clap to Buzz? No, whoever says it first. Can you never do that again? What do we do to Buzz? Clap the Buzz. Clap to Buzz. I like it. You know what?

I kind of like to clap to Buzz. I can't clap to Buzz. I'm wearing mittens. My claps are useless. You have a clap silencer? Here's all you have to know about men and women. Women are crazy, men are stupid, and the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. Can I call a friend?

Can I call a girlfriend? I could give you another joke from the same person. Sure. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it. You didn't have to do that. sorry I wanted to Whitney Cummings that's incorrect Kathleen Madigan Wow now you want me to do it in the... Yes. Yes. To give, this is obviously gonna give it away

because I'm gonna be so good at this. Okay. Oh God. Here's all you have to know about men and women. Women are crazy, men are stupid and the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. Hannah Gatsby. No, it was my George Carlin impersonation.

Oh Jesus. What? What? That was George Carlin. What? I thought it was a woman. I thought it was my George Carlin impersonation. Oh Jesus. What? That was George Carlin. What? I thought it was a woman. I thought it was a woman. Because I did it right. I know, you did a good job. You did a good job.

You did a great job. Juice us up, Lou. Juice us up. Here we go. Tell me when. You decide. Juice him up. Working on some hot stuff. Do you have to bite the top off?

I'm so happy. I'm Rob. Ari Shafir wasn't here to see this. Okay. Okay. That's a lot. That's a lot Juice me up two little boobs two boobs. Oh Wait a minute now Wait a minute. How many boob? Let me see your boops. Two boops. I got a bigger boop. No, it's a fair amount of boop I'd say. Alright, ready? Yep. Go.

The audience loves this. It hit afterwards. It hit afterwards. They got you nothing to get rid of this heat, too. You have water. Water doesn't help. I didn't think about milk or anything like that. It's better for comedy that you don't have anything to get rid of this.

Next joke. Do you guys want some milk? Nope. Next joke. If it's fresh, I will. This is it. Black Lou loves this. Oh dude, black Lou, you start your own show,

white people eating hot shit. We turn pink, our face changes colors. Oh, my nose. Yeah. Oh God, your cheeks are red. You're sweating. Yeah. Are you ready? Are you ready? Yes, I'm ready for all the boobs Ten boobs. Let me tell you why women

Let me tell you why hold on. Let me tell you why women you win 99% of all fights yep, yep yep and I'll tell you why right now here it is because you are all mental terrorists you are brain Patrice O'Neill you are brain ninjas and you know how to get in there with your katana and just cut us and disappear into the night Patrice O'Neil. Jay, that's wrong. Oh. Bobby, you can't eat dry chips to take away the heat. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I didn't think you saw that.

Wait till you hear me do it in character. We've got to guess first. I know, but I'm just excited for me. Is a famous comedian. You have asked that 100% of the times. Stand-up comic. Stand-up comic. Stand-up comedy?

Black comic. It is... Nick Cannon. Martin Lawrence. That was good. Nick Cannon. Completely wrong. I think this might give it away. Okay. Let me tell you why, women. You win 99% of all fights. Yup yup, I'll tell you why.

Right now, here it is is because you're mental terrorists You are brain ninjas and you know how to get in there with your katana and just cut us Gane Cook Thank you Gane Cook Fuck I should have got that We should You were on tour with him

Katana should have given it away Katana I know Katana by the way he said it Cause you get in there with your katana Nice Shoo shoo shoo You should have done a It was so good You know he did it first of all when he did the bit he did a shoot shoot shoot he did it you watched them do it live katana shoot shoot shoot

Bobby Ghost wrote it. God damn it. Ten boops. Next time we play this game if we ever play this game ten boops. I love this game. Every fucking thing I'm doing you have to somehow get in one two Three make them real boobs for these aren't boobs cover the chip seven eight. Yeah, nine. Oh god ten Juice me up, dude This is gonna be a tough one dude ten boobs One boo. This is making me have to pee. I have to pee. Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Look at that pile. Ready? Go.

Oh, I can't do it. Ma'am. I can't swallow it. Oh my god, it hurts under my fake teeth solidarity I'm gonna try one dance with ten boobs not ten I'll do five let me just do it just to show you I'm not well you're you're pushing out five less boobs than we took yeah but you you failed the game I'm just doing this out of... I think Bobby might need a hospital. Dane's still fucking me. My nose is running.

You want to get knocked out? It's in my nose. You ruined all my fun! Oh god, it's so hot. It's so fucking hot. I wonder if we learned today, Bobby, that me and you know nothing about comedy and are really bad at eating hot sauce. Yeah, well, we don't have the palette for hot things. But also, I think we learned that Jacob's not great at doing comedian impressions. I mean, we were really hung out to dry there.

Yeah, but we have no history at all on comedy. We know nobody except our own jokes. Yeah, I'll tell you what you gave us Jacob Nada, but you don't have to take yada yada in your life He gave us a lot of yada yada don't take yada yada from your wireless provider or Jacob Metro by T-Mobile has no contracts no credit checks no surprises no surprises, and nada, yada, yada. Stop by one of over 6,000 metro stores nationwide. Yeah, that was crazy. I like those fucking, what's the, I always want to do that one, they say it's tough, what's the notorious southern room, it's best, Stardome?

Oh yeah, I've been, I've been to Stardome, yeah. Is that Atlanta? Birmingham, Alabama. Okay. It's pretty rough, it's like not a dirty club. Like it's a nice club. But it's- Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but I say it's rough.

Is it primarily like a black club? Yeah. It is, okay. Have you done it? Yeah, I've done it and I've always done fine. I would do the weekday shows and I'm from Alabama. So I just lead with this is what town I'm from and my town is pretty black that I'm from.

So it's like, and then I go into trailer park jokes And I feel like they're like alright. We like this guy I did the same exact thing in Philly just being from a black neighborhood in Philly when I start I started in the black circuit Exclusively yeah, so like when I went and did that it was always that's the move you go, so I'm from West Philly That's gonna be that's makes you guys okay with me right a little bit You know pretty black neighborhood, you know I, I'm wearing a FUBU jersey, so that's like, I'm pretty cool with you guys. You really did assimilate.

Immediately. I couldn't tell you. Well, yeah, I want to be like, listen, I'm not that kind of white person. You know what I mean? Like in a way that, and then I find that when I would do those rooms, that it would be like, it would be the kind of redneck table

that liked me the least. But when Check Drop would come. Because they think you're pandering with the black people. I guess, and I'm not trying to pander, but I'm just trying to be like, I'm doing an hour up here, I gotta. No, no doubt. And I know a lot of black comics

that have had really bad experiences at the club. And. Yeah, it's like the Apollo things that they boo. They boo if they don't like you. And there's also, someone told me, there's balconies where it's rough. That looks all right. No, it's like the Apollo things that they do like they boo if they don't like you and there's and there's also someone told me There's balconies where it's rough like looks alright. No, it's beautiful. It's a nice club. It really is a nice place It just can be I've always had fine experiences there, but I got I know a lot of people with stories I'd love to do it. I'd love to give it a shot

Like when they shoot your special there she must be the stard. You shoot a special crowd work with just all black audience. We said we were gonna try to do that. It was Christine's idea a long time ago. You should dress like you used to on all Fubu and like PD puffy clothes. No, I was gonna do it. I was gonna call it Big J Dances for Blacks and then have me wearing black face with white face over it.

You should do it. They would have you there. You should do it. Jesus Christ. We did put it out there a little bit. They would have you there. You should do it. Jesus Christ. We did put out there a little bit. They did not seem that interested. I mean, just doing a show there, they would have you there.

Yeah, it's great. Oh, the Apollo would be an amazing, but the Stardome for sure, I definitely want to check it out. That's, those X5 guys were telling me about it. Those guys are in Huntsville, Alabama. They did the podcast with, yeah, yeah. The best massage I ever got was in Knoxville.

In the world. Yeah, Jennifer Marks is her name. What? That's her name. I still, I still. Think about it. Yeah. Yeah, dude.

Tennessee's great. There's a lot of great things happening in Tennessee. In my life, in my life was there. Cause that was when I was kinda gaining weight again and I was on my way to Knoxville and my back seized up and I hunched over in the airport and I couldn't get back up. Something happened to me and I was panicking.

And I had to get on the plane, I was all fucked up. As soon as I got there I was like, I need a massage. And the guy that worked there was like, I know this girl. She came to my room. It was the best massage I've ever had. Strong hands. I come from Taste of China. She's from there.

She's one of you. You know, best massage I ever got was in Chattanooga. One of you people. Chattanooga, just strong hands. This lady just had real strong hands. It's really manhandled. Mine too, yeah. She had these strong, I like a man massage from a girl. Me too. Me too. Me too. Yeah, she had these straw. I like a I like a man massage from a girl I am never I have never ever rated a massage

Like rated where I gave my opinions on it that didn't end in a handjob No, I have I've had a couple and we went me and you went to Unmemorable to say the least. Couples massage? Me and Ari went and got massages before my special taping at Skankfest the one year. Unmemorable, waiting for it to end almost the entire time. But you can get any normal massage girl to jerk you off.

No, there was a guy here too. All you have to do is say, three hours, just legs. Eventually they're just gonna whack you off to get you out of there? Just be like, look dude, I I'm just going to jerk you off because this is terrifying. I've been doing you. Ma'am, I'm paid up for the three hours.

Now, work my femur. Look, I'm just going to jerk. Madam, please, are you touching my penis? I have to pick up my kids. I'm going to just come in my knuckles and get this over with. That's be funny. You're just laying there in your own yuck.

You got to go, you still got 45 more minutes. See, that's why, because see, I've been to massages where I'm like, it's so sketchy in there that I'm like, I am just looking for the massage. That's kind of what I want to say to them. Like, I don't know what's going on in here, but I'm not looking to be jerked off here. I am looking.

Have you ever gone to one where they tried to jerk you off and you had to say no? No. I mean, no. I think I'm giving off those vibes. Like, you know, I'm married now, I'm not trying to, and my wife is not down with it, you know. Nobody's wife is down with it by the way. Not down with it, but little did they know

that it might be saving the marriage. Yeah. You go over there and you thank little Mai Ling and you tell her you're sorry for what you don't do that makes me have to go Use this confused foreigner. Yeah, you're not gonna stick two fingers in my butt. Yeah Upon me simply suggesting by holding my knees back and spreading my asshole You want inside just do it and don't ask if I answer you are gay

I've turned down a massage from a guy before I have done that I went with a to a massage with my wife and it was like a guy and a girl when the guy was gonna do And I was like now I'm not doing it really see funny I would if I was gonna do a massage for legit massage reasons I go to a guy I go to a guy if you're a bigger like I'm not that big of a guy, right? So I feel like a woman. You just call us fat. No, but I'm just, like my brother-in-law is, I got a brother-in-law, real big guy,

it's like, he's like, I always want a dude, cause he's like, I want somebody to really get in there. But I'm like, I don't know, I feel like a woman can handle what I got going on. I had a guy do my back. If it's a woman, I would never stop staring, waiting. I'm like, she's almost touching it. She's, sorry, she's on my belly.

She's gonna do it now? Well, you can see how it goes that way for the, when you hear these guys getting in trouble in the massage, you can see how it goes that way. It's very sensual. You can tell they're not gonna jerk you off when they roll you over or when they get the sheet and they tuck in your leg and your ass cheek

and your balls like a roast beef. You know what I mean? Say, gosh, she's not doing shit. She'll hate everything. But you know they're gonna do it when they just rip it. 10 seconds and they throw the towel on the floor and your ass is out. You have to shiver for 20 minutes

because you're freezing but it's gonna be worth it because they're gonna butterfly your asshole to your nuts. but it's gonna be worth it, because they're gonna butterfly your asshole to your nuts. I asked the one in Vegas, I asked the one in Vegas, I was like, can I get my underwear on? They were like, sure. I'm like, why doesn't everyone just leave their underwear on?

Here's the other thing also, if I had a real presentation penis, I would probably have been in trouble for just showing at a massage place, and just assuming like, let's figure out, is this what kind of place this is? but I don't. She'd have to beg me to do it. Oh yeah if you're like you know a grower not a show or type guy it's like you're not flipping it out everywhere you go. I don't want to talk about it for a while I go why what are

you gonna do if I pull it out and say it's slow and let me touch your shoulder. I remember I grabbed one of the ladies breasts. She was like 50 and I just instinctually grabbed her breasts and she pushed my hand off her. I was like, ugh. That's not how it go. No, you cannot grab these. You have to speak better English,

you have to speak better English and not give hand jobs or you can speak no English and give hand jobs. But it can't be any combination of in between. Dusty Slay, he's got a debut. Our special working man is streaming on Netflix, dude. Congratulations on that, man. Thank you. I appreciate that. It's hot, too. It's very good. Yeah.

It's very good. I've worked with him. He's fucking... We did all the Kid Rocks show. He's hilarious. Killed. First, I worked with him in Tempe. He went up in front of me. He went up and just murdered every night, just killed it, man.

Unbelievable. Well, that's fun, that's a fun club. I remember you had maybe broke your ribs before that weekend. That was the snow tubing incident of that year, yeah. I just broke my ribs. You don't have to tell me how you did it. Why?

Snow tubing's not a cool way. Then we had some cigars on an old patio. Was that your first cigar, right? No, no, no. Like I said, it was you were into cigars. Yeah. Yeah. With a heavy metal guy.

There was like a heavy metal guy. Rob Dukes. Rob Dukes. That was his first cigar. That was his first cigar. That's right. Rob Dukes, good dude. Yeah.

Yeah, you know, Dusty Slay will be at the Hartford Funny Bone March 15th and the 16th. After that, he'll be in Lincoln, Nebraska, Iowa City, Florida, Atlanta for tickets and all other tour dates. Visit Dustyslay.com. He is hilarious, great guy. Make sure you check him out and watch his special on Netflix.

Me and Jay are gonna be having our own little fun time next Thursday night. That's a week away almost. Oh, which means there's probably 10, 12 tickets left. Well, we told them that we were gonna let them know through how we have to sell tickets, how we're gonna come back with it. Do we look at the numbers?

Yeah, I do, I have them. Ready? Ask me, ask me. Bobby, what should we, should we? We gotta sell tickets, Jay. We have to sell tickets now. Everybody, please. Please.

Just buy them. Please call Lionsgate, like, lick, subscribe. Like, lick us, subscribe us. Please, buy tickets now. It's the 21st, it's next Thursday. There's no reason to not go to it. They're gonna cancel the show. We're gonna look like assholes.

Even Jacob's not coming. Make sure you check out Big Jay, Levity Live, Westniac, the March 22nd and the 23rd. After that in Vegas, Jacksonville, Virginia Beach. For all the tickets and everything, go to bigjcomedy.com. Bobby Kelly's at SideSplitters in Tampa this weekend. The good club of the two, not that Knoxville.

That club is great. Oh, it's the best. That's the 14th through the 16th, everybody. After that. Thursday show, that's it.. That's the 14th to the 16th, everybody. Thursday. After that. Thursday show, that's it. Thursday show's the only one that's available. Now, Friday a couple tickets, but Friday the late show. If you sell out the ones available.

No, Jay, don't. Me and Bobby will add a show at the Paramount. You want us to add a show at the Paramount? We can't. We're adding a show, everybody. It's going to cost us money. There's not going to be a 1030 show at the Paramount. Let's start filling that up.

Probably only back seats left. That's why people aren't buying tickets anymore. Way in the back. Bobby's going to be in Picton, Texas. He's going to be in New York. He's going to be in New York. He's going to be in New York. He's going to be in New York. He's going to be in New York. He's going to be in New York. He's going to be in New York. Let's start filling that up. Probably only back seats left.

That's why people aren't buying tickets anymore. Way in the back. Bobby's going to be in Poughkeepsie March 22nd and 23rd, Houston, the Comedy Mothership in Austin, Texas, San Antonio. For tickets and all tour dates, go to robertkellylive.com. We'll be right back. Thank you so much, Dusty, for hanging out with us. Yeah, thank you for having me.

I appreciate it. It's the bonfire. Hey, everybody, thanks for listening. That was just a portion of our actual SiriusXM radio show. If you want the whole thing, go to siriusxm.com slash bonfire for a special offer. That's right, and go to bigjcomedy.com and robertkellylive.com to check out our stand updates coming to a city near you. Grapple, grapple.