The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Flute Rock (feat. Andy Fiori)

Episode Date: February 21, 2024

Big Jay tries to convince Bob and Andy that the flute can be an instrument that rocks!

I'm Bobby Kelly. And it's Big Jay Oakerson. We're actually a full radio show on SiriusXM, not just a podcast. For full episodes of The Bonfire, you can listen on the SiriusXM app. Go to SiriusXM.com slash bonfire for a special offer. And now, The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly. Oh, hey. Laughing in the playground. Guess no kiss from little boys. and Robert Kelly.

Stop this stupid flute rock. No, you don't mean that. Jay's a flute. You don't mean that. Jethro Tull is badass. Jethro Tull's bad. This part of the song is good. The beginning of it is the gayest.

I picture Jacob running under a bridge. Yeah, chasing a butterfly. Don't drag me down with this shit. You know what? I apologize, Jacob. I did come out. I'm sorry. He blows and rocks. Put on Hymn 43, Jethro Tull.

It's Jay with like a half-man, half-horse body. Yeah, fucking Centaur Jay. Centauray playing fucking this stupid song jethro tolle we have an actual album i put it on the record player and just let it play

i love this album i mean this part's good but that flute shit's stupid the flute's awesome the flute's not awesome the walk flute The flute is... Actually, Max tried to play the flute, and I said no. Do you also hate Lizzo?

You're a good father. That thin, beautiful icon? Yeah, I know. That's cool. I like his part. Badass. You know why? No fucking flute.

Put on The Teacher by Jethro Tull. The Teacher. Dude, we're not saying Jethro Tull. You guys absolutely said Jethro Tull was bad Teacher. We're not saying Jethro Tull. You guys absolutely said Jethro Tull was bad. It was said multiple times. I said it. I own it. We don't like the flute.

Then you don't like Jethro Tull. You don't like Jethro Tull. Yeah, 100%. I am owning it. I stand by what I said. I like this part. I don't like Jethro Tull. No.

I'm with you, JB. Some nerd who learned the flute and added it in later just to squeeze it in a song. It stinks. You know the fucking other band members hating us. I know he's got to do his fucking flute shit again. Here's his flute solo. Because it's his name on the door. That's not his name. It's his name, Jethro.

Do you think his name is Jethro Tull? I 100% thought his name was Jethro Tull the entire time. I tell you what, if Madonna took a flute last night, even the gays would be like, this is queer. Christine, if you could name right now who the lead singer slash flute player of Jethro Tull is, I will propose to you on the air right now. Ian Anderson. You look it up.

No, you look it up. You should look it up. Oh, my God. Dude, Jay. Oh, my God. You should have seen the look on Jay's face. He knows you. Holy shit.

I literally, I saw money signs go cha cha-ching, in Christine's eyes. Jay, your dinner plates for a second. Oh my God, you almost choked on your... No, what you guys saw there actually was me. That was love. I thought she had it. I would happily have proposed to Christine right now. I know his picture was up at Red Rocks.

Who's Jethro Tull then? It's the name of a farm. Oh, I thought it was the dude. I swear to God, I thought it was the dude. There he is. Whale. Play, daddy. Blow, daddy.

The flute sucks. It's so lame. What a loser. Put on the flute solo of Locomotive Breath. If you don't like this, I swear to God, I'll kiss the head of your penis. Really? Yeah.

Oh, good. Give me a baby wipe. I'm going to clean it up. She locked up after last night. She just wants to suck dick now? Guys, seriously, I'll suck all your dicks if you don't like this. I'll throw it to everybody in here. Guys, if you don't like this part...

Even if you kind of like it. Jay's going to open up Madonna's next concert with the flute. Come on now. This is so fucking lame. It's so lame. It sucks. I hate that he can hear the lips. Guys, please. Nice air flare.

It sticks. Sick air flare, man. Sick air flare. Hang on, it's my big part. Oh, God. Oh, God. Sucks. You know what that is?

Aggressive flute. I'm going to tell you this. You know what this is, Lou? This is just a long whistle. It sucks. Jay, that guy's the Eddie Van Halen of flute players. Goddamn right. It sucks. How do you not like this song?

It stinks. Because it has a flute, Jay. Jay, top three flute players. Jay, give us the top ten flute songs. And the train, it won't stop. No, it only just slows down. See, you're even doing air guitar. No, I was at my chair.

Jay, give us the top ten flute songs. I'll tell Dan we'll come back. You don't want me to do that? I can name you ten great flute songs. There's fucking none. I can name one. Well, there's going to be a whole bunch of fucking... Who is that?

Who is it? Look at her ass, dude. It's Lizzo. I thought it was Yamanika for Funny for Fido tomorrow night. She's fucking rocking the flute. What is it, dude? It's her being 100% that bitch. God damn it.

Wow. She just took a DNA test. Turns out she has no knees. Funny part, all those dancers are dead. I've never seen less definition in knees in my life. My God. Everybody on that stage has passed away from diabetes. Looks like she's wearing a mascot costume.

Oh, my God. She's beautiful, though. I love that she couldn't. She's not beautiful. I'll tell you what, though. This song, though, hits me. Vikings. Oh, she's making little fat girls feel happy.

I'll tell you what. One of the saddest things ever. The most connected I ever felt to Lizzo and just felt terrible for her was when she danced on that one award show and the stage was a video screen

and right where she jumped you just see a black square, a black dodge. She just broke it. She broke the screen. See if you can find that, Christine. It's so funny.

Look how out of breath she is. Oh. I mean, she's dancing and singing the flute and she has like a hundred extra pounds on her. They better have 16 super sturdy reinforced chaise lounges

in the back of that stage, because they're going to come all faint. Hey, boys, you better triple bolt the stage tonight. Yeah, we're going to pick Lizzo up like a float in the Macy's Day Parade. They must have oxygen tanks like the football sideline. There it is. Look, go back to what happens.

Go back, you see it happen. She just killed the... She killed the... She killed the light. She starts jumping. Boom. She fucked... She...

I think that's happened to her more than once. It was some nerdy white electrician guy. She fucking broke my computer, man. Yeah, well, that's a $17,000 monitor.

That's just crazy. I told you this was going to happen. See if you can find the other one. There's more than one that's happened to her. Yeah, obviously. I'd be like, hey, guys, whoever's designing this, whoever's designing the thing goes,

hey, let's not do the stage screen for me. No, why? It's the coolest technology. He goes, nah, look, I love the stage screen for me. No, why? It's the coolest technology. He goes, nah, look, I love the technology as much as anybody. Hey, guys. If we could just like, I don't know, just not do it right under me, maybe. Guys, we got to do sound check. Bring the elephant out to walk on the stage.

Get the bar out here. Is it holding up? It's holding up. It's holding up, boss. Yeah, we're good. Whoa, whoa, whoa. All right, we're good, guys. Take the elephant out. Okay, never mind up? It's holding up. It's holding up, boss. Yeah, we're good. Whoa, whoa, whoa. All right, we're good, guys. Take the elephant out.

Okay, never mind. No, no, no. Nope. Oh, God. Let's just have her lie on a couch with a flute. I can't believe J-Lo's flute. How many great flute rocks?

Ten, you said. Ten. Ten great flute rock songs. You can't all be Jethro Tull. But I have to name rock songs. Okay. You can't all be Jethro Tull. But I have to name a couple because they're not all flute songs, Jethro Tull. I wouldn't call Aqualung

a flute song by them. But Locomotive Breath we just listened to, yes. Okay. Cross-Eyed Mary, yes. Those two. I'm going to take from them. Okay.

What's it? Truth Hurts, 100% That Bitch. And she plays flute, that, right? Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Three. Three. One more Jethro Tull bungle in the jungle great song you're getting all from the fucking stupid Jethro Tull you could say

any combination of words Jethro Tull and I'd have to take you on faith I have no idea bring up a list of rock songs that have flute

so I can tell you them popular songs with flute take the word popular out just write flute songs Scrapper Joe Jethro Tull okay Brahms third symphony California Dreamin come on great Popular songs with flute. Take the word popular out. Just write flute songs. Scrapper Joe. Yeah, but that's going to be like... Jethro Tull.

Okay. Brahms' Third Symphony. California Dreamin'. Come on. Great. Oh, yeah. Oh, Moon Dance. I'll give you Spill the Wine by War.

I'll give you Spill the Wine. But you couldn't name them. Now you're looking at them. Down Under, Men at Work. So he doesn't have to kiss your penis. No, he doesn't. No, no, no. Don't say that.

No, no, no. Don't say that. I still have to kiss your penis. Okay, go ahead. No, no, no. Yeah't say that. No, no, no. Don't say that. I still might have to kiss your penis. Okay, go ahead. No, no, no. Yeah, Jacob, back off. I'm not going to lie to the ones I don't know. There's Flute and fucking Sure Shot by the Beasties?

Man Down Under. I'm not counting Sure Shot. I wouldn't count that, though. They're overrated anyway. I like that. I know, but that's a sample. That's a sample. I won't count.

I'm not trying to cheat here. I'm going to see if I'm going to kiss Bobby's penis or not. I forget if that's my win or loss. You're going to look at the name of the song and say, I knew that? That's it? No, no. Not that I knew it. If it's a great song.

I don't think a lot of these are also great songs. I'm not going to put moon dance on things. I don't care about moon dance. Spill the wine's rad. Spill the wine's great. What is spill the wine? Let me hear it. Spill the wine.

Did that girl. That's a good one. Yeah, that's a good song. Heard it in a love song. Marshall Tucker band? For sure. How's that go? How's that go? Heard it in a love song. Did that girl? Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, that's a good song. Heard it in a love song, Marshall Tucker band? For sure. How's that go? How's that go?

Don't know. Heard it in a love song. Where's the flute come in on that? Heard it in a love song. I think the larger point, though, Bobby, the flute in these songs are complimentary at best. They're not the fucking lead instrument. Yeah, he's not playing it like Eddie.

Yeah. Which makes me sick. He's not fucking Jimmy Page in the flute. Yeah, he's not great. Jethro Tull. Bring up a video of Ian Anderson playing flute. He rocks. That's the other thing, too.

It don't look cool when you're soloing. No, he does, though. Ian Anderson, who you formerly known as Jethro Tull, told five minutes ago to Andy. Can you imagine being in a rock band and having to take a seat while a guy plays the flute? Yeah! Are you fucking kidding me, Jay?

Satan! Exactly. I was so excited. There's no way to make that look cool. No. Unless you have a bunch of rats coming up behind you. That's the only functionality of flute in your life. Yeah.

Pipering? Eviscerating a plague. Saving the world from plague. If you're trying to bang kids, save the world from a plague. If you're trying to coax a genie out of a bottle. Everybody knows that's the main instrument of a pedophile. I briefly dated a Juilliard... I briefly dated a Juilliard fla briefly dated a Juilliard flautist

And let me say It's a It's called flautist It's not an easy instrument to play She was with it Huh? She was with it But nothing to do with that

She's a good flute player God How boring Come on Look at his stupid outfit too Yeah Jay's putting up his lighter This is so uncool Come on. Look at his stupid outfit, too. Yeah! Jay's putting up his lighter.

This is so uncool. That's the worst. This is so dumb. First of all, you're watching him do a pichetto. Look at how serious he is. Christine, bring up a video of him doing, like, fucking locomotive work. Looks like the greatest American hero. I think it is, like, the hardest. Can I tell you?

Ow, goddamn. Yes, I love it. Let me tell you. I'm going to start giving you these. Is there more on this list? But stop right there, because I'm going to tell you Ow god damn Yes I love it Let me tell you I'm gonna start giving you these Is there more on this list But stop right there Cause I'm gonna tell you Genuine good songs

I'm gonna get Steven To dip a flute for you I think I know where you're going In Malibu Pink I'm like 10 I have to come up with right Yes Good songs

Are you going And I know them Hang on Down Under's great Inarguable Alright listen I'm not a savant With these songs

Like you guys Like music guys What is the Down Under What is that Come, I'm not a savant with these songs like you guys, like music guys. What is the Down Under? What is that? Come on. I come from a land down under. There's a flute in that? Of course. Where's that go? You know what? I'll give that flute, but it is... That's what I'm saying. There are good songs

that feature the flute. Stop this. Right here. Stop. I want you to close your eyes. Close your eyes and play that song right there, and I want you to tell me eyes. I was about to air flute again. Close your eyes. Close your eyes and play that song right there, and I want you to tell me what you think. Tell me what you visualize. Maybe it's during the outro.

Tell me what you visualize. I'm closed. What do you visualize? It ain't bad. Well, I love this song. I picture a bunch of little kids at a park following one goofy man. Yeah.

Yeah, why don't you play with my down under? Right. Where children play and men plunder. Nobody. Oh, I raped and fucked those children. Okay. Jesus Christ. Wow.

What do you say? I can't believe the things you have said. I mean. Finger in my ass. That's for love. Christine, maybe just sing a song and we won't have all of that. I don't know how that got clipped like that. I'm going to get you a gold-dipped rose.

Okay. You said it. So here we go. I didn't say that. You did say it. Focus. Let's focus in. Yeah, focus.

Land Down Under. Agreed. Agreed. Okay. Agreed. Hit song. California Dreamin'. I'll give you Goin' Up the Country.

That's a great song. By Cantete. Goin' up the country. Goin' up the country. I don't love this song. That song is awful. I don't love that song. Can I hear a little bit of that?

I hate that. That's my top ten worst songs. That's your top ten worst flute songs? Worst songs. Let me see. Fuck this song. I'm sorry. I'm going to make up a song.

I love this song. What is Flute and Sure Shot? It's just a sample, though. It's the additional thing. Oh, gotcha, gotcha. You Are the Woman, Firefall. I do like that song. That's Sure Shot.

That's a sample. That flute? A sample. Okay, sample, but that flute's cool. Sure. What's a sample of? Yeah, what's a sample of? I don't know, someone playing flute.

It's got to be something funky. Some type of funk. You Are the Woman by Firefall. You are the woman that I always dreamed of. I knew it from the spring. That's a good song. Is that it? I think that's the song. Is it Short Shots?

Helen for Judy. Flute stinks. I hate this. Skip ahead. It's basically... I hate this. Skip ahead. Here's what it does. It calms me down too much. Oh, this is what Sure Shot's taken from.

Flute music is what you hear in a fucking spa. Yeah. To relax. I'm yelling for Judy. This is when you try to get your shit together. That's why Jay likes it

because he likes his eyebrows waxed. It's spa music. Yeah. I don't like this. This is all from Sure Shot. This has nothing to do with me. It's spa music. Yeah. I don't like this. This is all from Shore Shot. This has nothing to do with it. This is all flute. Yeah. I said You Are the Woman by Firefall was not a flute song.

Again, don't know. You got to Hide Your Loving Ways by the Beatles? Come on. Beatles are overrated. Heard it in a love song. Marshall Tucker. Keep going down. Oh, God.

Slow down. This list is all tall. Hang of a down chops chewy I'm not gonna solitude Sabbath yeah keep going Ozzy signs off on it keep so long Franklin right the the song I always skip on bridge over trouble Bobby yeah such a shitty song there's an outside shot of him about to kiss your penis. Yeah. Howling for Judy.

That's hilarious. The original song is on the, for Shore Shot is on there too. Locomotive Breath for sure. There's nothing. Hang on. You ain't gonna make it. Did I say Locomotive Breath?

Bongo in the Jungle. Go back up. Go back up. Come over and kiss my flute. You ain't got it. Hang on. What are we at? We will rock you. When you kiss the tip of my penis up. Go back up. Come over and kiss my flute. You ain't got it. Hang on. You should count We Will Rock You and Chopstick. When you kiss the tip of my penis, I want you to play it like a flute.

I want you to go... I'm not counting We Will Rock You. I'm being fair here. Somebody needs to kiss Jay's penis, Jay. My penis? I'm sorry, Bobby's penis. There's no way he's kissing his penis.

Christ knows I'm sorry. Bobby's penis. There's no way he's kissing his penis. Well, Christ knows I've tried. Had two little stints in the hospital trying to do that. I'm not... Hang on. Go up. I had ten. California Dreamin'.

Spill the wine. Down Under. Down Under. Down Under. You said Moon Dance. Nah, but I don't really like Moon Dance. I think like... You Are the Woman, Firefall. You Are the Woman, Firefall.

Play that again. I want to make sure it's the right song. I don't want to fraudulently not kiss Bobby's penis. Yeah, because you're honorable. That's why. That's fair. This is it, dude. Come on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, Christ. Now let it play. You don't mean that, Andy. This is it, dude. Come on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, Christ. Now let it play. You don't mean that, Andy. The intro is just... Andy, your sweater, T-shirt combination says you like this kind of music. I know. I'm telling you right now.

Bobby complimented us. Jay came back in this life, but in his other life was a middle-aged woman in the 70s. Yeah. Jay was Rhoda. I'm a handsome woman He was A very handsome woman Jay lived in Cleveland Oh god

Alright so where are we at We're at four Oh, God. Whoa, whoa. You are the woman that I always dreamed of. All right, so where are we at? So where are we at? We're at four. You're putting that on the top great flute song? I'll take it off, and then I'm going to put Can't You See and Heard It in a Love Song by Marshall Tucker Band. Or I would take one of those. So we're at six or five.

Five. I would say five. You're going back to five, and we're going to count You Are the Woman. Okay. What's this? This is I would say five. You're going back to five and we're going to count You Are the Woman. Okay. What's this? This is Can't You See? And you're...

I mean, this is a great song. You've got to hide your love away. But let me hear the flute. Nobody knows these songs for the flute. Exactly.

My point is... Jethro Tull is... You don't know? The flute is the center of the band. No, this is what you do love. Right here is this. This is like a...

He has flute and everything. Well, there's not a lot of flute there. Oh, it's not first and foremost at all. And then the flute goes away. He opens up and it's gone. It's gone. Let me say, this part sucks. Nope. See how much better and cooler say, this part sucks. Nope.

See how much better and cooler that guitar was? I love that. I didn't say the flute's cooler than the guitar. That wasn't the argument here. Nah. It was either 10 great flute songs or I kiss Bobby's penis. You said the flute soloing before. Yeah, you were a flute. You said that the flute is the shit.

You gotta hide your love away. Correct. Well, our guitar's really Ian's instrument. Yeah, that is true. Hey, you've got to hide your love away, correct? Well, air guitar is really Ian's instrument. Yeah, that is true. Hey, you've got to hide your love away. We could start a pretty rad air band. Do you want an air drum? Not the way we can't come together on music.

Because guys, I'm gonna want to cover a lot of flute heavy shit. Christine wants the air keys. Yeah, I want air keys. I will fucking take out the air axe out of show. We should do that at a live show. We should just do a whole song. I'd pretty much do that.

That's pretty much how I see a concert. We should do the whole thing. No matter what the song is, I'm just going to Axl Rose. Yeah, but you're going to flute. You're going to play the flute. Air flute. Air flute. And the air shreds at a concert.

I do. I dip in between drums and guitar. We should start that. We should start the comedy jam, but air comedy jam. You know, Matt, Josh. We just play songs in air. We should start that. We should start the comedy jam, but air comedy jam. You know, Matt, Josh... We just play songs in air. We play songs in air. Lip-sync and air play.

Yeah. Oh, what a great idea. The air. Give it up, everybody, for the air comedy jam! Because unfortunately, Josh, you can't hire a real drummer that's going to have the stick work

of air drumming Bobby. Bobby throws both of his sticks up, does something, catches them, and then goes, it's crazy. You've never seen anything like it. Good luck finding a trained drummer who can do that. So if we count, you've got to hide your love away.

We're at six. Okay, we're at six. I'll tell you what, though. Foot loop. Argue Me, heard it in a love song by Marshall Tucker bands. Not a great song. Let me hear it.

Go on. It is a good song. I love working at Sirius for this. None of this is copyright infringement. God, it's fucking the worst instrument. That's the silliest shit. I feel like I'm watching a kid's show in the 60s. Like, hey guys.

Hey guys. Hey Andy. Hey Andy, how are you doing? Because we're friends. Hey Jacob. And friends play together. Let's watch a cartoon. Let's go to the park.

Any kind of color or gender, we are friends. Guys, come on down to the park and grab a ball. We're having fun today. Hey, let's all be nice to the new kid. Hey, let's show him around the halls. It doesn't matter what color he is. We're all the same inside. Your parents make rules because they care about you.

I know you think they're making life a drag. Yeah. Don't use drugs. Love song. Come on, Bobby. Heard a new love song. We just made somebody crash. Yeah. Hey, guys.

Hey, guys, I know sometimes you get down, but you know what you can do? You can turn that frown upside down and look up at the sun and be grateful for the air and the friends you have. Hey, guys, I have to go home because my uncle says this is our alone time before my mom gets back. Thank you. Are we not counting that one? No, you're not. That song stinks. Herd in a Love Song? No.

It's a great tune. All right. We won't leave it. We won't leave it. So we're at six. Okay. All right. Sure shot, we're at seven.

No. No new tell to tell. Loving the Rockets, 87. Okay, we will at six. Okay. All right. Sure shot, we're at seven. No. No new tell to tell. Loving the Rockets, 87. Okay, we will rock you. We will rock you, so that's seven. We will rock you. Where is... It's a very old dream theater.

Wait a minute. Where is... Dude, you don't even realize? It's mostly flute. Let me hear it. I don't know where it is on that song. I've buried this down like a manifestation. Which one?

Lou, just play it and show them how much flute there is in it, please. There's no flute. What are you talking about? Listen All I hear is fucking shredded rock In a drum beat And then there's a whole bunch of flute There's no flute There's no flute in this

Are you crazy? Where? You don't know the song You have to wait for the flute part. There's no flute. The only flute is singing. Okay. There's no flute.

You're an asshole. The whole outro is just flute. No, you're hurting my ears. The outro is exclusively flute. I hate you. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. Did you hear that sweet flute trope? Okay. Chop Suey. So we will rock you, Zin. Chop Suey.

What's Chop Suey? Wake up. Grab a brush, blow it all in your mouth. Oh, fuck off. Flutey, flutey, flutey, flutey. There's no flute. There's non-stop flute, Lou. Please show them that there is flute involved. There's no flute. I can't take any more fucking flute songs. that there is flute involved. There's no flute. I can't take any more fucking flute songs.

What are you talking about? There's so flute-y this song. I'm so glad I don't have hair because it would fall out listening to this shit. Oh. And here, wait. You have to do the drum to build up. Do, do, do. And here it comes, dude.

This is great. Yeah, dude. The fucking bass player also does flute. Same time. He has to flute one of those harmonica things. Ready? Oh, God. This is great. Yeah, dude the fucking bass player also does flute same time He has a flute on one of those harmonica things Ready? Oh god here comes and the flute! So that's eight? I don't think you trust my brass instrument in my hand.

All right, so Chop Suey's in. There he goes. You can't go two on this list without seeing Jethro Tull. You can't. It's all good. Well, Locomotive Breath, Bungle in the Jungle, both are in there, and that makes it to ten. Bobby, sorry, your penis stays dry today. Oh, God. Bobby,

my sincerest of apologies, but your penis stays dry. It is terrible. Well. Do we have time, Jacob, you think? Do the letter? You said we got a letter. We got a letter from Linda. I think we should, I was saying we should look at, we have a very few left spokesmodels.

You should tell Andy what's happening. Andy, you know what's happening. I've been listening. We're doing the spokesmodel thing, and we got a lot of... Mostly penises. Mostly penises, but some... Yeah.

Some hot ones. There was like four pairs of tits, though, on like a pussy and a butt. Well, let's just see. Well, if I may. Yes, Jay. I have a statement to make about this. Okay.

What you got? And... You need some flute to get you in the mood? I say this on behalf of not only me, but on behalf of Louis and Lou. Okay. I don't like this at all. And by the way, I would appreciate,

because this might be incendiary, I prefer if you let me get through it, because I know it's going to trigger something in you. Hold comment for Lute. Are you doing this respectfully? Wait, is this the letter? Respectfully. This is me.

And then I have a follow-up, because before I wrote this, and then our beloved Lynn wrote a letter that I would like to read as a follow-up to my own statement that I say I wrote. Take it on faith I wrote this first. Okay, I'm with you. Flute. Take it on flute. I want to express my displeasure at the decision to expand the Bonfire spokesmodel position and turn it into a contest.

At face value, the contest is about us picking individual spokesmodels for each member of the crew. But in reality, the contestants are picking us. You turned the carefree life of having the wonderful Lynn being the spokesmodel for all of us into a high school popularity contest, telling us who they want to be a spokesmodel for all of us into a high school popularity contest, telling us who they want to be a spokesmodel for. We got to share Mega Hottie Lynn, but this was not enough for you. Why Lynn is the only spokesmodel that matters. I will direct you to her most recent Instagram video post,

which Bobby hearted along with me, just as an aside. In her most recent video post, in the video, she is hanging a fixture over her bar at home in shorty shorts. Lynn has an ass that could create peace in the Middle East. Why would anyone want to fight after seeing that ass? Two, Lynn is handy. She is a beautiful woman who uses power tools. Remind you of anyone famous, Jay, that you had a crush on as a child. I'll give you a hint.

She was called the tool time girl. Tim Allen. Bob Vila. You had your very own tool time girl, and she wasn't enough for you. You ripped her heart out, threw it on the ground, and did jump squats on it. Lynn gets shit done,

and although she claimed otherwise, the fixture was also quite level. Beauty and craftsmanship. If this isn't the essence of what the bonfire stands for, what is? Moving on. 99. My God.

Good idea, Christine. You're interrupting, but I'll allow this. It's pictures of Lynn. Just go back around. Yes. Christine's showing naked pictures of Lynn while Jacob's trying to read this sincerely. This is a serious moment. Again, I appreciate it if you wouldn't interrupt. Jacob can't read with a hard-on. I don't know

if people know that. I have the blanket over me. 99% of the entries have been for Christine and Bobby. Bobby has had so much cock thrown at him that he doesn't know what to do with it. None of us are into

cock, except Christine. But it's nice to know that cock is into us. Lou, Louis, nor I have had a single dong sent our way to this point. Don't send them now, by the way. You had your chance. None of us want your sympathy dongs. There's nothing sadder than a pity penis pic.

Like the Matrix. How many pages is this? It's almost over. Like the Matrix. I'd rather hear the flute. Jay decided that the original movie wasn't good enough, so I would like to congratulate Big Jay

Wachowski's sister on his decision to make yet another sequel to The Matrix. Because in his mind, like his sister's, more is better. I hope in the future,

Big Jay Wachowski's sister will come to the conclusion that more isn't always better. Sometimes, more will come to the conclusion that more isn't always better. Sometimes more is just more. Now I wrote that, and I want you to know out of the blue, a couple of days ago, because I've been sitting on my thing, I got a letter from the beloved Lynn. And this is what she says.

Dear Jay, I had fun at the show in December. You were so nice to me and hilarious, as hell as always. Thank you so much for the experience. Pretty positive so far. Was so cool. However, while you're one of my favorite comedians and as much as I'd like to,

we both know I would not work out for you as spokesmodel. I am not your type. Can't grow a bush, blonde, and I'm way too vanilla for your interests. Plus, I got pointy elbows and I think Jacob would appreciate me more. I seem more his type. I've never had an audible smile before. Jesus Christ That was crazy

I heard it I heard his smile His face cracking Oh my god I'm just reading what it says here Look how fucking grand That was a fucking Grinch smile Curled three times

Excuse me Sorry, my apologies Excuse me He can send me pictures of iguanas in Florida I can send him gifts. It would be perfect. I think Jacob is my height, too. I adore that boy.

Did that feel good? I know what she meant. She meant it from the heart. Okay. She's Texan. Okay. They say that about men. Nice.

So, yes. If Jacob declines, I'd like to apply for Christine. Not going to lie, it's mostly because I enjoy Christine audio drops the most. They make me laugh. Plus, she is pretty. And kind of reminds me of Jennifer Tilly for some reason. Moving on. She looks like her.

I see that. Full disclosure. Last year, I'd have chosen DJ lou because i smoked cigs in the shower and we had a good conversation on instagram last year but did you know but i don't want to try i don't want to try gas station oregano tuna casserole ever won't you do won't work i blocked't work actually i blocked that out too because it actually they fucked bobby up yeah it was bad it's wretched yeah can't be black lou because i don't know how to dance and he hurt my feelings that one episode but don't tell him i said that, please. Oh, geez. All right, well. What did he say?

But do tell Bobby I said this, and bless his heart, but I ain't going to want to be his spokesmodel because his bitch ass, non-derogatory, won't respond to my DMs. What? I was going to send him tiny furniture for his tiny house, and he says... She builds furniture. Daddy, i didn't get a dm from her it's in your junk i didn't get it if i got it i have a guy who runs my things oh your

guy handled he might have your guy just took her this son of a bitch might have just responded with a thumbs up moving on i'm so sorry Well you had your chance What? Wait too late now Does it say next That he's cut off now forever? Well there's more actually Oh no

Oh Jesus And he says the word Nugget a lot And I don't know What it means exactly Oh it means nugget To people who don't speak Boston Right

P.S. There's also not an E.R. At the end of the word saw. But Bobby saw a movie yesterday. There's also not an A in the word necklace. Necklace. Necklace.

I want Steven Singer to bring Jay a necklace. Did Bobby see that movie yesterday? Yeah, he saw it. I have an idea. P.S. Not that it's important, but I wanted to tell

y'all now I have a five and a half year old son and a one and a half year old daughter. Added this because y'all seemed unsure about my kiddos' ages on the show, and I have been feeling the need to tell y' all my oldest is not three. I graduated school at 17 while pregnant.

How cool is she? So cool. Where did they come from? Damn it, is she the coolest? The fact that she waited until 17 in that part of Texas, pretty great. Fucking awesome. The fact that she's not directly related to the father of the child? You equate cool with teen pregnancy?

In this case, a hundred percent. I'll tell you what. Thank you. If you snap back like that, everybody should crank out two before their mid twenties. Thank you for your time and patience and for reading this. If you do bother reading it. She's so sweet. She's very humble.

She's very humble. Even though the spokesmodel title is just a bit, I really like it. Makes me feel pretty. So thank you all for that, too. Love, Lynn. God damn it. Jay. Some of y'all fucked up. Jay?

Yes. Jay? I know. I think the answer is clear. It is clear, I think, Jay. Do we just go back to one spokesmodel, Lynn? Does Lynn just win the contest again, and we don't have our own individual spokesman it is weird to faction everybody off I don't know Lou starts smoking again so he's back in the running at the end of the day though at

the end of the day though Christine essentially just has a bunch of dicks to pick from why don't we do this why don't we give all the dicks to Christine Lindsay to me Christine if I had a big black dick, could I be your spokesmodel? Well, it is kind of fair. Did you answer her because you answer your DMs? Could have a girl and a boy.

Christine, can you please scroll up and let's see if there's anything new also from Lynn? On one level, it's kind of the move that you didn't respond. You blew it.

What is that Lynn thing? Because I would, like my fingers can't type fast enough. Right. What does that Lynn think I'm into? She's too vanilla. You don't like her bony elbows, obviously. She fucks on camera.

If a girl looked like that and told me, you didn't like my bony elbows, I'd go, trust me, I could get around it. Yeah, we'll deal with your elbows. She won't eat an oregano casserole. Yeah, you're out, Lou. But she eats fucking possum. Yeah, she will eat possum.

Oh, my God. Look at her clam. Oh, my God. Look at that clam. I love the white nail polish. All right. Well, how do you feel right now, Jay? I feel like I want to put a flute in that thing.

Sorry. It's been a crazy show. As soon as he puts the flute in it, I want to start playing it. Yeah. Hey, would you like locomotive breath coming out of Lynn's hoo-ha? I think we have to discuss this further. We have to take a break. Next week.

I think you know how I feel. Maybe we'll think about it. Everybody knows how you feel. We have to take a break right now. Hey, everybody. Thanks for listening. That was just a portion of our actual SiriusXM radio show. If you want the whole thing, go to SiriusXM.com slash

bonfire for a special offer. That's right. And go to BigJComedy.com and RobertKellyLive.com to check out our stand-up dates coming to a city near you.