The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Forty Years Sober

Episode Date: September 11, 2025

Jay shows up late to the party so Bobby takes the wheel by announcing that today is his 40 year anniversary of the day he got sober. Bob tells his story of going to jail as a fourteen year-old and staying clean ever since. DJ Lou is approaching a year of sobriety and shares how bad it was getting for him. | Jacob is in love with the actress Alison Brie and needs to see her nude in the many movies in which she has bared it all. | Jay is having disco lights installed onto the bottom of his truck but he calls them "rock lights." | Hunky landscapers show up to Jay's house and Christine gets shy because of their good looks. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.

And now, The Bonfire with Big J. O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. What's up, everybody? Welcome. It's the Bonfire with Big J. Ogerson and me, cutie-p-tooty, Robert Kelly. And our lovable leader, Jay, is dealing with suburb shit right now. I've done it. I've done it. I've been here. This is why I'm a freak This is why I leave That's why I get to the airport

Three hours early This is why I leave At 2.30 to get to the city I'll walk around And go smoke a cigar Or do something Maybe get a bowl of ramen Like the fat-o

That I am Just a pat-you know you're a fatso And you get a bowl of ramen To pass time I like ramen I love ramen You can probably just get a cup of coffee Is this a rock lights

Well no No because Jay's stuck I don't know. He's stuck in traffic right now. Who knows? You think it's disco light action? They're just stopping him? He just got the...

Maybe he's not used to the power of them. He's at a park right now, just showing a bunch of kids on skateboards. No, guys, this is what you do. Look, no, it's on a nap. Really? It's funny. He's in traffic. He's on his way, people.

Don't you fret. Don't get nervous. He's coming. He's coming. Christina isn't even... She's just like, you know... I thought she'd be, like, panicking or nervous or sad. She's just like

I've never seen her this relaxed I mean You look so at ease Yeah what's going on What can we do I mean I don't know He's like remapped 18 times There was a second accident

When they already closed the highway Down to one lane Like it's a total fucking nightmare disaster How did you get here? I My GPS took me On a different route Around it and I was still in traffic

Really? But you're here Yeah you made it yeah did you call him and say hey I'm this this is better go this way no I thought that he was just going to map it and it was going to come up for him too really yeah so you just let him hang out there hmm I don't know yeah because honestly the way that it took me I was I was on the phone with Rebecca and I was like I took this weird route to get to work and now I'm further than I should be and I'm still stuck in traffic but you made it so I made it but I didn't I wasn't

thinking that, like, what I was doing was the best option even, because I was in traffic. There's three levels of traffic. There's, what the fuck? What a fucking fuck life? And fuck everybody. And then you go through it, and there's this serenness that happens where you just kind of listen to music and you've accepted your fate. You're not going to make it. And, you know, I want to miss the flight. I want to miss the show. And I'm all right with that. This is God's will. That's why I have this. me. I have this tattoo, serenity, courage, and wisdom. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, traffic, courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.

Thank you, Lou. Today, you know what today is? 40 years. Today, 40 years ago today, I haven't posted this. I haven't put it out there to the world, but I'm going to share it with you guys in this room because you're my, you're my family now. You're my surrogate family. Not you, Paco. everybody else in this room he works on two you're all right you're our you're a cleaning person you live in the house but in the the the servants wing um 40 years ago today little bobby kelly little 15 year old bobby kelly was in uh Spencerport New York, a little suburb of Rochester, New York, and he made a decision, do I hang out with these kids tonight and go drink and party or whatever the fuck they're going to do up there

in that redneck little town, Spencer, Port New York, or do I go home to see my family, maybe go to bed, and literally in a fork in the road. And they were like, what are you doing? You want to go or not? And I was like, fuck it, let's go. And that night I wound up drinking, going, getting arrested, and going to jail in Rochester, New York. One of the worst juvenile prisons I've ever been in. I woke up in a cell.

I've said this. Did I tell you this yesterday? I woke up in a cell on my knees, praying to God. Literally praying to God. please help me this is bad yeah a guy with one eye and one arm woke me up the next day this black guy with jerry curls one arm and one eye woke me up the next day and call he said 19 screaming in my face 19 19 19 he's like what's 19 he's that's your number motherfucker when I call your number you say 19 you got it I was like okay yes sir yes sir I was number 19 in

the line we had a line up out in front of our thing to go to breakfast. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, eighteen, eighteen, nineteen, eighteen, nineteen, I screamed it way too loud. I remember that. I scared the dude in front of me, and he looked at me like he was going to beat the shit out of me.

Yeah, it was terrible. Last drink, last drug. Today. Congratulations. Forty years ago. Clean and sober. that's great I mean that was not really

I mean I didn't just make a put on the ninth hole 40 you guys really fucking drug addicts Christine begrudgently good for you you fucking nerd you party pooper it literally has me going

Did you have to take over At least Dan got high I have to get desserts for you you fatso You have You know I love the desserts and snacks Oh, that fucking bento box makes me so happy.

I was, it has me thinking, because I went to, I was 12 step in for the first time at 17. Right. But I did not stay sober. We know. So, and so it has me, I'm like, wow, like, what would life have been like if I had actually just stuck to it at that time? Yeah, you would be way better. I had a lot of fun drinking and drugging in my 20s and 30s. You still having them in your late 30s.

I mean, I didn't always. and well, but I had a lot of fun. Not for any of us with you. You're gonna fucking get your fucking crazy phone call. And then, and Jay, I literally fell asleep on the phone

while she was talking to me. My wife came in there, buddy, she's still talking. I haven't done coke in almost a decade, but I guess I'll go fuck myself. That's true. No, I, it's probably served you well to make that decision.

Well look at I was a violent drunk at 15 I drank and I got violent you know what I mean? With that temperament I was no good here's the thing weed because I smoked just weed back then it wasn't I go with Christine and Jay after the show sometime when they would live in the city to their weed shop and it just

it does all my little addiction the little containers they get it in I just want those because they have like little metal tops and some are red and some are pink and some are blue and he's going through a menu like i'll get the uh you know the howdy duty and the zippity duda and the fun yeah what is that what is that isn't it so cute it's fucking dude weed is adorable right don't you want them in every color i do i want to i want to keep my fucking tums in them you too partied they do they fuck it they i mean you partied christine party she's still parties though you still party

I mean I smoke weed I had to stop partying I partied all the way up until like four years ago I mean Lou Stop partying Thank God Right

I was going downhill I mean the show was too We're gonna have to some dude On the fucking board Just he has Beep beep beep That's it Hey man

That's the only sound effect We'd have for everything Hey Jay What do you think about that Christine Shut the fuck up Paco, Jay's Lane again. Yeah, that's not bad, though.

Lou has had. My God. It's, it's, here it is, man. It is when, I always say this, when somebody's done, they're done. You know what I mean? And the things that they need to be done come into their life. And all they have to do is follow that path. And, man, does it make me happy that, yeah, he's done?

I mean, a little late, but no. No, no. I mean, it's, you piece of shit. Don't you mean better late than never? I mean, I went to like 36. I was a little late. A little late. We're still waiting for you to get fucking whacked again.

We need content. We have Paco here every Wednesday in case you fuck up. Yeah, no, it is great. I mean, dude, let me say something. What was the last gang fest was, I mean, it was hilarious to walk with Lou. I mean, Lou was fucking. he told you he loved you a bunch of times and then he'd say he hate you a couple times

and then he'd be like, I'm kidding, I love you, you know? And he'd say, you hate me. Yeah, you hate me. There was a lot of hate and love going on with a, if you took a walk with Lou when he was drinking. He hates you. He hates you. But then he would try to get you to talk about somebody

and you'd be like, no, he's an all right guy. Nah, he's a good, you're right. Nah, I'm fucking. I suck. I suck. He's a great guy. I'm really thankful for my blackouts because I think that's God's way

of protecting me from my own evil. Yeah, that is true. I wish I blacked out more. I would wake up and just fucking remember it. You blacked out a couple times. You did a different blackout. I've been to like 110 Pearl Jam shows. I remember 30 of them.

That's crazy. Yeah. It must have been so great to go to them sober. Oh, man. Yeah, it was a whole new world. But did you, did you, were you, did you dance? Did you still do the same shit you did when you, well, you don't know because you blacked out, did you still get into it and get goofy yes not as much but then when my girlfriend came

i went through the first one alone which was fucking frightening but uh you know i got through it and then the second one i was with her and that's when i really had fun and let go okay good good good yeah i wish i i don't know where my ability to fucking let go went i had it when i was younger i used to be the guy at the my weddings had a big irish catholic family right so we had all these weddings and i would be the one that would dance and you know i do the little moves and And I cleared the dance floor. And, you know, I told you, my nickname was Spiff, right? Did you know that?

You know, Spiff? I never told you that? Yeah, my mom used to dress me in suspenders and a bowtie all the time. So my five uncles called me Spiff, Spiffer, because I was always Spiffy. And that was my nickname. And I would, when ever there was a wedding, they would get Spiffa, get Spiff on the dance floor. And I'd come out and start, I'd clear the floor, spin.

I got photos of it, too, me trying to do splits and shit. And I was like a star at weddings And then you became friends with a bunch of comedians And you lost your sparkle That's what It really is They really fucking just take your sparkle Paco leave

Everything's lame That's stupid Yeah Pacco leave before your sparkle I don't want you to lose your sparkle Yeah it is true I can't Like when we did

We did a wedding this year I'm not going to say who Because I'm not going to get in fucking trouble There's so many things I can't say That I I I fucking hate comedy now I really do

Anyways Whatever I was out of wedding this year And I Everybody's dancing And doing this stuff And I couldn't I just couldn't do it

I was so And here I am sitting I had a shirt with tigers on it I'm like Dude if anybody should be dancing It should be you Spiff That spiff was there

But I can't let him out of the I can't get spiffer out to be fair yes to be fair I like that it was organized not spontaneous a little bit of a different situation but there was times where you could have been spontaneous and I'm not spontaneous I get so nervous dancing now like little spiffers inside me like he wants to come out but you know old Bob is just like nah man you don't want to people are looking at you you know you don't want to fuck it up but you're comedy really did a number on you. I know.

Yeah, that's what it is. It really is true. I walked into the cellar last night and Keith was in the back because he's coming over tomorrow night. We're going to your house, which I'm excited about. And Keith is going.

But I walk back and it's so funny the new generation of comedians are so not mean to each other. He's sitting there and there's this girl and this other guy and I don't know them. I know they're comedians because they're sitting at the table.

And I walk back and now, Keith, you're just fucking garbage. He's like, what? I'm like, you're a piece of shit as a human. You're just garbage. And I'm here to let you know that you're still just

fucking shit in this world. You're garbage people. And they were looking at me like, why would you ever say that? I looked right in her face and go, he's garbage. Don't let him fool you. But Keith's just going, ha, you're right. I am a piece of shit

It's so not funny at the table, man I don't know what the fuck they talk about I look from a distance And it just looks like there's no fun anymore Because I think comics just aren't mean to each other I don't I mean at the seller They're not mean They're not mean everybody's nice

Which I don't like I don't like it I like that they took the sparkle out of me Maybe I don't These guys are probably just like dancing And having fun and, you know, experiencing joy. They're not just having really awesome friendships.

They don't have to go to bed with fucking emotion. They don't feel bad about themselves every night they drive home. They don't have emotional hangovers on the way home talking out loud. Fuck you, Jim Norton. Yeah, I know. I mean, maybe we did do it wrong. I don't know. Who knows?

Anyways, you were talking about this movie before we were coming in. All right, this is what... I shouldn't be mad because if I had done things the right way, I would have gotten... Are you talking about in life? No, just in this case. Oh, sorry. I thought we were breaking you down. My spiff thing broke you up.

I shouldn't have moved to New York. Well, I heard... I'm a fan of Allison Bree, and I heard she does like... Allison Bree is who? Because I didn't know. And I'm sure there's a lot of dudes out there who have no, there's a lot of alpha males out there that have no idea who you're talking about. That's her.

Not that I'm an alpha, wow. That's her. Well, I'm wrong about that. Everybody should know about her. She cannot keep her clothes on anything she does. Now, but it took like 20 years. So this was a big thing. I've seen her young tits.

I've seen her old tits. You haven't seen her young. I've seen every version of this puss. I've seen Dawn's young tits and old tits She's back to her young tits again It's so weird to have little titty Dawn again She's a member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee My wife has small tits

It's so weird She had big gazubas last year She has fucking chug chugs And now she has these Can I be honest with you? I think I like her smaller tits I find my wife Can I say this?

She doesn't listen to anything I do. Of course I can. She just fucking care. She doesn't know anything I do. I actually said to her one day, do you ever listen to the bonfire? She went, no. I don't have time for that. Yeah, I think I like

her smaller boobs. I like small tithes. She's like more. I think her tits are what her tits were supposed to be, like what God gave her. Yes, I said God. I'm sorry, Paco. I know you don't believe. And Christine, I know it offends you. I just don't

think it's a man Christine me neither I believe in I believe in her god he he she her god yeah I think I like the small titties now is that's good

it's a weird thing because you think that you love you know these big titties and you know you hey you know but I like my wife's I look at her body now and it fits her she's like adorable to me right now because she's got that little fucking stupid Paco ass

You know what I mean? She has like an ass Like a Filipino boy Which I like By the way I'm a fan of that So this girl I don't know this girl

I thought it was the other girl I don't know who this girl is You're attracted to this She's like she's like Jacob's number one That looks like the girl I fucking I saw the cellar last night Well she's got a bad picture

This is from glove A bad picture I mean she's like standing their naked It looks like every comic Estia's past over the last three years Thank you Paca I needed a comic to laugh at that joke a comic that didn't get in at the cellar

I was just pissed because I heard in the movie together the new horror movie she does like she's nude I watched it and there was nothing in it no nudity no nudity I'm pretty sure you said you ran home

no that was from a different show that was another show she was I love that was the first time I heard Hey man Am I proud of that? No You went up kicking a kid off a skateboard Going over the bridge

Jumping onto an eagle's feet But it turns out I was watching some Janky copy I should have known something was up When they were Russian Subtitles Subtitles Yeah

So you got a cam version I guess that's what I didn't realize Yeah You can They have And they cut it. When you get a movie before it's out on one of those whatever sites, they usually, it's funny because you'll be watching it.

Like, something's off with this. And then you just see the guy cough and the camera just move. It's like one of Paco's aunts just recording this in the Philippines. You cannot trust the movies if you're going to not pay for them. You don't know what you're getting. Yeah. Now this movie, it doesn't look like a horror movie to me, dude. It doesn't look like it's scary.

It's, what did you call it, Lou? It's called body horror. Body horror. Is that what me and Jay, if we did a nude movie? That's what they call that. A body, no? Okay, nice talking about. All right.

Bobby, take off your shirt. Jay, take off your shirt. Now go in the pool at noon on a sunny day. Mwah. Body horror. Christine? No, I'm kidding. You can't keep her clothes on

I don't know like Why would you want to It really I don't know why you're so excited about No because it didn't happen Until she was like 39 Can you What is that on the screen

What is that What is that advertising? What is that? What is that called The flushlight thing That's not a fleshlight It's on top of a guy's penis And it goes in his butt

Ew What do you? Oh this Don't be said judgmental No Oh What is that? What is this

What is a call just tell me the name of it so i can google it later uh what is it looks like the young alien the umbrella the burst of the burst alien that came out of a flower that was it was a it was a it was a attached to a tongue and the mouth went and the tongue went I should have I thought it should have been my merch asshole tongues um what is what is what is is bought what is it called again body what body horror what is that the plotters is that her and her her boyfriend literally meld they start sticking together and they become that's called you know what i call that stupid why that's stupid it was and the the genre means that it's more disgusting and

visually gross than than like jump scare right okay so it's it's not a horror movie it's not scary it's just no gory it's cool yeah yeah like that movie that uh demi more was in right exactly yeah that actually was good I thought that wasn't scary but it was good that was creepy good right no I was done with it by the end I'm like all right I get it you're grossing me out I'm grossed out bye jerkoffs really yeah the blob thing it's like all right that took a turn it really was like the end the last like 10 minutes in the movie were like a completely different movie it's so fucked up that that wasn't her

body margit quality wasn't her tits wasn't her ass so upset that makes me so angry. You can't cast somebody that has those tits and ass? Cast this girl. She had those tits and ass. Have her do it. I was like, wow, she's smoking hot, and then I found out she's not. No, she still is.

She's all right. She's not that hot. She's not as smoking hot. Her body in that movie was ridiculous. Her body's not. She has little tiny titties. Yeah. Dude, she's got little baby titty. I told you. I like, not, Christine, I like, I don't think they're that. I like little tities.

I think they're fine on people. Fine. I'm just saying, no, I'm just saying. Thank you. I'm not to know I'm fine. I'm not going to fine. I mean, I think they're beautiful on you. I think, I think, where's that sound like, wham, whir, you got nice titties, Christine.

I'm sure the body double, I mean, they tried to find some of me that's, you know, pretty identical to what she actually is. Demi. Demi wasn't naked. Demi was naked, but Demi. Margo Kuali was. She was naked. Demi was naked. They're both naked, but it wasn't her body. It was, uh... I think she had prosthetic... Yeah, prosthetic titties on it. Prostetic butt, too, right? I don't know about that. What's the movie she was just in? She was just in something, and she's not... She's not even not... What the fuck movie was I watching? God, I hate getting old. I got my wolvering juice last night.

I've been now watching older movie. I just watched all of the towering inferno yesterday. Fucking awesome. What, the old movie? I haven't seen it since... Yeah. You really? Dude, you can watch it again, Bob. Is it good? It's that good. All right, I'll watch it. Really? Yeah.

O.J. Simpson hands Fred Astaire a cat at the end. What? Why? Because the girl that Fred Astaire, the old lady that he connected with in the tower, she didn't make it. She gets blown out of an elevator at the promenade level, the top level. Okay. And falls to her desk. But O.J. Simpson saves her car.

her cat from the fire. Yeah. And so at the end of the movie, when Fred Astaire is going through all the people there are getting treated, he's calling her name, and then O.J. comes up and said, here, and just hands her the cat. Right. You'll fall in love with O.J. Simpson in this movie. Again?

All over again. He's awesome, and he's a great guy in the movie. Who said I was not in love with him? I remember the quote. Paul Newman, because it was, I think, O.J.'s first role, Bobby. Yeah. That was Paul Newman's first role. No, no, O.J.'s first role, I believe.

And he was upset. It was a little part. And Paul Newman said, and you're an actor, so I want your take on this. He said, you don't play your billing. You play your character. And he was great in it. And that said O.J. Street. Yeah, I mean, that's some actor-horse shit that you say to some guy.

I had a guy say that to me, too, on the set. I remember all my lines got cut out of something, and I was like, dude, what the fuck happened? Hey, man, it's not how many lines you have. It's how you deliver the line you got. I was like, oh, go fuck yourself. I'm not in the show. If you're cashier at five.

Yeah, I get it. And then he changed his advice. You're still getting paid the same. That makes sense. I'm still getting the same money. And I don't have to work as hard. I'm good. That's why I don't like, when comics are like,

dude, you have to sit around on a set all day and you focus, it's boring. I'm like, dude, I'm getting paid thousands of dollars. to take naps and go to a table with snacks? What? Did you guys ever have a real fucking job in your life? Did you ever? I worked at a lumber yard, flat stack in the whole lumber yard all day.

So to sit at a, sit in a trailer or even, I don't think you're going to fuck if it's on the floor and sleep and then go get snacks and then sleep and then pretend at a high level for an hour and then go back and nap and then have somebody put. makeup on your face, which I love. I'm, I don't fucking say what, Paco, don't you dare. Let me tell you something right now. If you don't like getting makeup put on your face, having somebody rub your face, brush it, put powder, and, you know, there's something wrong with you. You were molested as a kid and you haven't gotten over it. You have childhood trauma.

Having somebody touch your face is all. Awesome. Oh, my God. I don't think so. You're fucking, you're fucking zesty. No, I'm not. That makes you zesty. No, no.

It's the opposite. It's the opposite in my world. I love makeup. Don't you love makeup? Yeah, for a long time. Do you ever have makeup put on, Lou? I'm not asking you. No.

When I was a Thespian, I did for a couple of plays, but I didn't like the process. Why not? I don't know. It felt weird. I think it feels great. Look, if I had to put it on myself, I would say that's zesty, right? If I was home putting makeup, using Dawn's mirror, her little mirror with all her lights around it, I would say that would be zesty.

But if you're on a set and they're doing your makeup and, you know, kind of putting the stuff on and the de-shine and, you know, I think that's great. A little lip balm at the end. I would love Don to catch you like Edward putting makeup on. So would she. She would love to walk in and go, I knew it. I knew it, you orange peel face. She thinks I'm, she thinks I'm zesty anyways, dude.

She thinks I'm there, you know. You said you like the fact that she's not into listening to any of it. You got a normal wife you just go home to. Yeah. My wife does not do social media, has no bullshit. And she's married to an influencer. I mean, yes I don't want to

Thank you There can only be one influencer In the family Thank you, but yes I am an influencer I haven't been an influencer There he is Speaking of influencers

Good good Paco is here today We got a documenter We got a documentary Mysteries X-Sim does my review My early review We got it on video TV Hi everyone What's up buddy

It was a wacky adventure Yeah, how was it? It was so funny that she got here, fine. She left 15 minutes before me. Really? That's it. But also, her direction took her a different way. She didn't call you up and tell you, hey, go this way?

She would have assumed that I would have found out also from GPS. What GPS do you use, by the way? Google or Waze? Whatever is in the truck, Tom Tom? You don't use the truck. You don't use the car fucking GPS. Always. Never.

Why? Because Google and Ways have up, to date accident because people are plugging it in as you're going. I know, but Waze gets annoying because it starts telling you like, he goes, you want to save 35 seconds, make seven turns. Yeah, but here's the thing with

Google, Google bought ways, stole all the cool shit from Ways, and now they do that without doing, you can actually program Google to be the way you want it to be, but so when I'm driving down the street, cops, it will tell you where there's cops, it'll tell you with his accidents, and then it automatically gives you an

alternative roof, dude, you don't want to go this way, Go this way. It's going to save you 25 minutes. You've got to do Google Maps. Or at least Waze. You can't use the car GPS. I don't trust the people. Dude, you've got to let that go, bro.

Ways. I don't trust the people at Ways. Dude, people at Ways. You don't even know the people at Ways. No, I know. They're all over the road, and they say psychotic things. Like I just said, like, backtrack four blocks, loop around, get back in it. This little jam will be broken up by then.

You've kept moving. Give me a favor. Stop. 7-11. get a gatorade zero a slim gym relax for five minutes and then get back and then yeah because then i think by then this will be over yeah said some person on ways but a car GPS correct me if i'm wrong is the worst GPS goes either way i can i hear the arguments for both they don't have up the date they don't have the people driving you can actually send that the information in so

what does that call when they what is that psychotic no that people are sending an information while they're driving dude you can there's an accident that's another accident by the way so my thing here I got on

hit that traffic and the red line you know the traffic on the map the red line just starts growing yep it just starts getting longer like you're watching

it because I'm not moving so you're watching the line just get longer uh as it's going and it uh finally got to a point where it was like debris ahead

a mile ahead at two two of the three lanes are shut so that's clearly what this all is. Then about a half mile

up from that, another accident happens in the lane I'm in. And you only know that because you see people start dipping into the... Of the lane. Not even the other lane, the side, what do you call it, the median? Breakdown lane. The median. Oh, the in the middle? Yeah. Whoa. We're all the way to the left. The right lanes are what's going to close.

So we dip over to the as I'm going around, I took a picture for you guys. We saw it. Also, I sent that of the lady in her shmata out of her car in a middle of a fucking traffic jam already. Why don't you guys sort it out out of the traffic jam?

I know you can't. But they so we had to go around them to, you know, right into the traffic jam still. Yeah. And then finally the fucking merge happened. I got here. After that, it was like pretty smooth

sailing getting here, except last quarter mile of the two mile Lincoln Tunnel dead stopped. Oh God. And why? The lanes that I had to get in were open. it's because the buses have to be in the left lane in the tunnel to get to the city but as soon as they get in the city they all have to go right they have to cut across so they were just cutting across the traffic it wasn't the direction i was going they were just blocking and those guys don't care they don't give a fuck they don't they have professional new york douchebag drivers they're adult bus drivers they feel like shit about where their life is gone they think it's a fantastic job yeah uh it's benefits and everything like that but it's it's nothing they wish they were back at the school It's like they complained about, but now they wish they were with the kids again. Yes, it's a lunch pail job, and it fucking sucks, and most of them are molesters, I assume.

Yeah, hopefully. Let's only hope. Most of them are pedophile molesters, and people beat them up constantly. And now I know why. Allegedly, allegedly, allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. Then I parked.

That was fine. Yeah. And then I walked here. Pretty much all, everything out at that point without a hitch, even though I'm already 20 minutes late, I get in I rush Get in the elevator bank Push the floor

What's the elevator? 4B4 B4 The one that It's just the luck of that was like Now it went without a hitch I was a spoiler alert However

Just the fact that it's B4 Nobody was in the elevators No one's here anymore We were after work hours The people that don't know B4 is the shit elevator That always It's always broken down

We've been stuck in it before It's the elevator The default elevator When eight of them are empty. Yep. It's the other eight. It's fucking crazy.

It's the scariest one. The one that's always a problem. You made it here alive, dude. You should be grateful that you didn't, nothing really tragic happened. Shit, dude. Another day in the grind, right? Yeah, man, you did it, kid? Did you see, I told him to leave the lights of my, my, uh, my rock lights on my truck.

Did they leave them on? You don't have rock lights on your truck. You goddamn right. I don't. I actually, I'll say what. Don got my truck detailed yesterday. Yeah. It looks brand new.

Yeah. The wheels are fucking smoking. And I. said I can I you know what I think I think fucking disco lights will work on this truck it would and I said don I go can I get can I get disco light she goes what's that I think like underneath the truck light she goes no why can't you she just laughed in my face right went no so you you can't here's the answer I've already answered this for you right you get them yep and then never let her enjoy them for two seconds like she can't even witness them so just buy

have them installed and then never tell her never even tell her she has on your phone but never tell her just let max enjoy them me and max enjoy them no you know what there's no fun in that inform her that that laughter is the reason that she will never get to enjoy the rock lights yeah if i didn't tell her then she's not going to realize that you're not enjoying it yeah is rock lights episode tomorrow yes have we discussed it yeah i'm getting blinky lights under my truck if anyone's wondering what we're talking about is getting disco lights Well, they can be disco lights. They are disco.

It's going to be mainly disco. No, it's going to be mainly just white lights probably because everything else is illegal. But when I pull up, if I stop in front of you and I know you, you're getting the full show. You have to know you, though? Stop means go. Well, you've got to send them this song. This song has to be the first song. This song's called Cut the Mozzarella.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Cut the Mozilla. How much does it cost to get disco lights? All in, out the door. We talked about this already. The lights are cheap. Okay, it's the installation.

$120, maybe? I'm going to get them. The installation is the thing. I'm going to have Velcro the door. And everyone are here tomorrow, but Best Buy run around all over on the phone, this person, that person. No one knows what's going on, so guess who's getting my work? Sam Sam over

where I went before and he's gonna do a fantastic job you know why because I looked at Google reviews of the place positive and Sam mentioned by name

a few times so you guys tried to get me to turn on him but I won't because he's not treating you right man no we just have a contentious relationship yeah but that's the way he's talking to you

is like he's talking down to you and there's no need for it absolutely yeah I mean you are asking him the silliest questions a man ever asked another man can my blinking lights go to music yeah is that a silly question yeah i think so i mean i think i don't know i mean i have a purse too so i don't know jay won't you invite him to your first hang oh please your blinking lights dude invite him tomorrow night too go hey but listen i'm just doing a little thing no no no no tomorrow no you're listen tomorrow you are you getting

them in tomorrow right yeah okay after he's done just be like hey dude i don't know what you're doing later but I'm having a thing at my house down the street a couple comic friends of mine just gonna watch the game and have some cheese steaks if you want to stop by it'd be cool if you want to stop by I really appreciate what you do just see what he says he's gonna think I'm coming on to him what if he says yeah what if he goes like this yeah cool I'll be there I don't want him over why because that's not what our relationship is you want contentious we fucking go ahead we touch foreheads and we fucking iron out deals together like baby goats Yeah. We just get eye to eye and I go, I go, you're going to install it, right? He goes, if you want it installed, I go, I do. And then he's like, well, then I'm going to install it for this price. I go, fair. I won't even haggle that. I love that you're on the new version of your story that you're as, like, you're a mean like him.

I'm not as mean as him. No, now. This is a new. This is a new, this is a rewrite. But, I mean, I'm not letting them bowl over me. I'm just saying. None of this was on the pre-tap. I was shook. Tomorrow, please. Listen tomorrow. You'll hear the other version.

No. That was the... You're talking about the very beginning when I was shook when he said they're called rock lights. And I said... Yes, you and Sam, little baby goats. And want lights. You can get lights. I said rock lights.

And he goes... Or he said rock lights. I was like, okay, rock lights. And I go, now, do they go different colors? And he went, yeah, they can do all different colors. colors and i went all right you go can they get it where this might be weird but could they where can go to music and he goes how old are you and i went 47 but i didn't have money when i was a teenager that's what i said to him and he uh and he was like all and he just kind of like did the

stuff it was just all just very matter fact the guy's got no bedside manner yeah yeah but i think he's going to do a good job he's going to do his job it's not a good job it's just a job that he does right He just doesn't want to have silly conversations with other grown men about, you know, hey, did these go with music? He wants that money, for sure. Hey, he's getting paid a salary. Buck 50 an hour. Someone call up and tell me if that's insane and how long it should take to install these rock lights. We definitely have fucking...

I'm telling you right now we could do it tomorrow. We do it. Not a chance. I know we could. You know nothing about wiring. Dude, ask me any question about wiring. How do you wire these to a car? What you do, you want to take out the, it's called the simulator caliber.

It's, what, what are you looking away for? Look at me. Oh, I'm sorry. Dude, I'm in fucking local 407 in South Boston. Buddy, what you, what you, what do you say? You don't remember. We took you off track too far and you forgot what it was. That was a good move.

That was a good move. Ah, shit. What did I just, what I say it was called? You try to throw back to me. You're not paying attention, are you? I should use one. I use two big words. Yeah.

Yeah, the pump fuse. Buddy, I'm telling you there's directions. All is you got to do, you need a drill? Do you have a drill? It's still in the box, but I do. With a whole bunch of different bits and stuff. Bits and stuff? I got all the bits.

I got all the bits. All as we need, we need a drill, and we need wire cutter, and we're good to go. That's it. I guarantee I could do this. Nope. If I don't do this, if I don't, if I don't, if I don't, if I don't, I can't do this for you tomorrow, I will pay for the installation. Dude, that plug right there.

That's the caliber switch, dude. Uh-huh. Yeah. Dude, you plug the caliber switch into the existing boxes, which is the fuse boxes right there with the tag lights. Those are the lights. Yeah, those are the lights. That's what they call.

Buddy, I know what you're saying, lights, but I'm calling them by the technical term. Apologies. Fuse box lights. I'm sorry. And that goes into the, what you do is you go to the bottom. You've got to find stable positions to put them on the frame. And then what you want to do is you want to drill into the frame. And that's, I mean, we could magnet it, but that you want to put them in there.

And that's, you know that you choose to do all of this instead of just holding hands of me and saying, hey, it's not our fault. We didn't have good fathers. We didn't. We didn't have good fathers. I don't know what any of this means. And I'm afraid of electricity. I have a respect and fear for electricity. We're not real men.

We're not real men. I don't know what this means. Bobby, imagine how much it hurts. We both have Louis Vuitton purses. Not only did the guy, not only did the guy to advanced auto parts, not notice my Louis Vuitton purse. Not only did the guy to advance auto parts sell me these lights with the tag line of like, these are actually really cool and pretty easy to install. And then everything you look up on them goes, super easy installation on this stuff.

And then as soon as you look any of those videos up, it's like, first things first. You're going to have to find the wire pack underneath the car. car that goes to the whatever i'm like i'm already what the fuck you're talking about it's super easy yeah i mean it probably is pretty easy but you need a lift you got this guy doesn't have a lift no you need a guy you need a man you need a guy this is so funny because i've talked about this before i in my house and all my friends all my comic friends we have to hire men yeah to be men christine for our women christine's on the phone three hours a week with men who have to do stuff around my house.

By the way, no bullshit. No bullshit today. This was fucking crazy. What? I'm like, what's going on in this neighborhood? I'm rarely home for this to happen. The pool guys came today. And it was like, I mean, they sent two

24, 5-year-old surfer boys. One of them shirtless, just fucking shredded, just carrying stuff and gave me the little nod. What's up, dude? Just motherfucker. Our dog didn't even go up and bark at him.

It just wanted to be around them. The dog goes up and barks to everyone. The dog, I go, she's friendly, and he went, yeah? And she just came over and didn't even bark. She was just like, I mean, she just wanted to smell him. And Christine's slid of her chair. What the fuck's going on? And then I'm like, and I was on the phone, I think with Metsker, I was like, they just

sent over a couple of handsome fucking pool guys over here. Christine goes, you're talking so loud. Shh. She has lemonade on a fucking cart. Hey, boys. She has nipple tassels on. She's 40. She's going to go.

guys can you help me with this ingrown toenail oh yeah they just had over two gorgeous boys wow they really were uh I mean the one his floppy curly hair and his wrap around shades just holding a box of something really heavy straining yeah what did it were they cute did you find them cute yeah they were cute wow she said that fast huh they're young you like you would you like here's a deal tell you what if you'd appreciate my rock lights they would appreciate the shit of my rock lights yeah they would because they're 20 yeah my blinky lights

I don't even know how old they are I could fuck those guys before Christine with my rock lights Christine if Jay wasn't home and they were there would you flirt with them at all 220s make a 40 no no why I'm not confident like that oh oh look you made everybody sad great what do you mean not confident

what do you have to be confident but you're you look great if you let a pussy lip hang out they're gonna look Yeah, you don't know how guys work. Yeah, let half an ariola you find. They can't believe it's happening. Yeah. Did you watch any of the movies in the 80s? Actually, these guys can believe it's happening.

These guys are definitely cleaning up. Yeah, yeah. He walked in with a smile, like, almost like he was happy to see that there was a guy home so they don't have to fuck again. He was like, oh, thank God, there's a dude here. It's usually these fucking old bitties just pawing at my wang. His belt was made of pants. Anteys from other houses.

These guys are so handsome. And I mean this. These guys are so handsome. I don't know, because we've called back several times. I don't know if they've ever cleaned the pool well. You got not even paying attention? No, Christine said every time we go in there's right. There's like sediment, what do you call it?

Just kind of like dirt. It's like dirt and stuff at the bottom of it that they're supposed to get when they clean it. And she goes and goes, we can send them back again during the week. And Christine's like, yeah, that would be great. But no, yeah, right? They don't do a great job. They just come in and piss in the pool and leave? They might.

I'm telling you, I don't see, I didn't see when they left. They came, they were gorgeous, and the next time I looked over behind me, they weren't there anymore. It would be funny if they're just going through Christine's panty draw. Isn't nice? Boys, take whatever you want. Just leave the good stuff. Hey, you got any Pellegrino? Yeah.

No, no, those big ones I need. You know what I'm saying. I need those big ones for a little bit. Yeah, no, the skin-colored ones, I need those. the black ones with the white stuff in the middle just leave those christ almighty gorgeous pool boys yeah don't know if they're not always that guy i don't know if they're uh always uh it is fine though i do like the people that come to do stuff the landscapers and shit yeah i'm outside a lot when they show up and i don't know what to do awkwardly and just sit there while

they manual labor while I sit there and smoke cigarettes and I hide I hide in the house yeah yeah because I don't want to be outside smoking a cigar I'm being on YouTube or Facebook while these guys are just working hard around my yard yeah but then I go over and I say things like are you guys able to do anything about the weeds that comes up between the it goes get the weeds of what the what and I go ah fuck never mind and then I go and I just awkwardly pass overcastly pick the weeds myself out for I'm talking about. I go, Vizos,

and they don't know what the fuck I'm saying. Vizos doesn't mean are you doing du lingo? I've called Isabella multiple times to translate for me. I just put her on speaker phone

and I'm like, Isabel, I need you to know. Isabel, can you talk to my slave for a second? Can you tell them on delay and however you say that? That is how you say it. Don planted a garden

before we left for the summer. She planted like tomatoes, cucumbers, I mean, everything in this little garden we have on the side of the house. and then she just left for the summer and I went in

and it just overgrew and never watered it I'm like what are you fucking doing I went in there and I found like three cucumbers that were albino like they were white cucumbers I think they I don't know what I don't know

I don't know they were just white cute I thought there were melons because they had that well you called it an albino cucumber like you grew something rare but you mean just a dead cucumber I think I don't know if it's dead is that what happens to cucumbers when they grow past their time i've never grown anything in my life christine is single-handedly literally murdered every plant this this it's like a gallows pole the the little thing outside of our house that holds a hanging plant is like a death sentence for

plants it goes up there just so everyone can see what christine's willing to do to a plant oh it says do not eat white cucumbers and this is why because they're they're colonizers we've It says it's a fungal disease. Oh, is it? We've got plants that people have handed us and been like, it's impossible to kill this. It'll outlive you. In fact, if you try to kill it,

it'll fight back like evil dead forest and they are dead. I don't know how she doesn't. No, no, no, that was a snake plant and the movers broke it. How'd they break a snake plant? It was the pot. Cut the head off, dude. You know that. Come on, bro.

Fnoiluil rules. I'm not ready to keep things alive. But I kept the one. alive and then I just got the same one because I think that's a look at it women can keep a dog alive a cat alive anything living alive a baby alive but when it

comes to like yard shit dawn's the same way she's murdered she murdered my grass four times some women have a green thumb who Martha Stewart my friends have like house plants and they know doesn't Dave's wife like Dave's wife like

Dave's wife I think has a garden she's like uh she's Italian yeah it's in her Yeah, you're right. You know what I mean? I got a Polak, you got an Armenian. She's growing Gapagul in the backyard. I mean, I really should have my uncles have always had a garden in the backyard.

They had to survive. Survive the fucking, what did your country? The genocide. The genocide, yeah. Whatever those are. Yeah, I never mean. What does that even mean? Who cares?

I remember being younger, younger my dad's house, our neighbor had like an apple tree and they were like picked the apples and they were gonna make like apple pies or something an apple tree in Philly no no this is in Ohio by my dad's all right and like they would just give me busy work so it's like oh the neighbor wants you to pick the apples off their tree for their you know put them in a thing and I will say picking apples they made a pie out of these apples and like it was just didn't seem right sour I don't even know just like the fact when you pick like stuff out of a garden like I'm picky enough that like I'll be a pain in the ass with everything like I'll be a pain in the ass with

everything like i'd say 89% of those apples i picked i would have said are not for use at all whether there's some sort of a wormhole or a brown spot or something just you know what i mean like it lives outside yick all food does no i know i just want a farmer to handle all that part and then get it to me it's the same thing i don't want to bring a cow home and every time and then i go i'm gonna go cut a steak off this some bitch i just have figured well somebody else will do it for me so just i'll go buy the tomatoes from the fucking tomato stir buddy if the electricity goes out and there's an apocalypse you're just gonna call it quits yeah give up you're done buddy i'm a quitter everything except comedy in my life i've walked away from completely uh families

uh jobs uh abandoned cars in my life i'll just fucking walk away away i'll just walk away from it what a great answer yeah i'm just quitting i'm a complete quitter i'm done it's a fucking far-fetched that i kept doing comedy especially how hard it is at points and not making money i'm like can't believe i didn't quit i think because the alternative was like well the job's fun and i want to keep doing this job yeah if i'm eventually ever going to get paid for something yeah you know i mean it wasn't like yeah i'm not making money so let me go back to school i'm just going to i'll kill myself before i do that i hate school when my daughter said you want to go to college i was like i totally get i know it sucks so much right sitting there and they teach you stuff that's the worst father advice ever

I feel the same way though Max is like I don't want to go college I'm like fucking good for you Don't go do what you want to do Life is too short Four years and then come out with nothing And then still be the same chadrool in my basement In Casa de Max

But he had a date this weekend Yeah Yeah I guess who was he It was James Hang on me to do my can't play to the camera on that Edit that together Paco stuff Take out the James part

Together James Park. Doggy, you got to take that out, dude. I think he's leading that direction, and you're going to make him uncomfortable. Yeah, dude, he was so... He was adorable, though. He was very classy. Because I told him, I guess he had a girlfriend over the summer,

and then he said, dude, we've got to go home Saturday. And I'm like, why? He goes, because Sunday, my girl's going to come over, and we're going to hang out and watch movies and get some lunch. I'm going to take her for lunch. Take her for lunch, where? To the pizza stop. She can walk downtown.

They can walk. Yeah, they can walk down town. Gotcha. And sure enough, she came over, and he goes, just dad, make sure if you're coming down, give me a heads up. Don't just run down the stairs. And I'm like, why? He's like, you know. Was she hot?

She's cute. She's cute. Bobby? No, she's a cutie. A little cute girl. I mean, dear, she's a little, she's fucking 12. Yeah. I don't know what that means.

I just wanted you to just say a 12-year-old is hot. No, she's cute. She's a cute girl, but she's really... Dude, she's like slutty and... No, no, no, no, no, no. He's actually a really good kid. Like, he said some dumb stuff, and I hear her go, Max, don't do that.

And he's like, all right, I mean, she's cool. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I went down... And they were, they were... For what? Do you tell him to give her the Mario test? No, I told that he did a...

He dated a Nigerian guy for a weekend. Nutupi. I'm going to text Max right now. Now, hang on. No, no, no, no. Max, take this info as you will. If you push a girl's head. No, don't.

Between your legs. Don't text. No, stop. And she goes down on your... How do you spell brajol? Anything? I'm going to do it. Just write pickle.

Just write pickle. The brajole thing really sounds like. B-R-A-G-I- It's a C. Wow, fuck. Delete. B-R-A-C-I-O-L-E. I love. Brajol.

Okay. Knowing that that truck driver is watching, she's a pig, capital P? Hang on a second. Capital P. That means I'm going to have to be in the car driving the car. Correct. Pig.

I'm going to let this happen. And she can. can't be trusted dash uncle jay no he was very cute and i said to him i go you can't listen he goes dad i'm not going to do anything i was like okay and then he sucked his two fingers in front he winked he goes dad i'm not going to do anything i wait dad just saying just saying knock before you come in you know what i'm saying i think uh i went down so hard he dropped his book This guy, no one loves 12-year-old sex more than Papa. It's the craziest thing.

Uncircumcised penis popped out of it. I know. But in the Philippines, that's above board. Yeah, it is. Yeah, so you're fine. You're fine, Paco. No, no, he just, I went downstairs at one point, and they would just, he was just cuddle and watching a movie.

Which was cool to see you, dude, you little dude. Cutting? Yeah, just hanging with a girl. Yeah. And he told me later, he goes, we did, I go, do you didn't do anything. He goes, no, I respect her. I like her. And I was like, all, cool.

good for you pussy yeah he was dude she didn't suck your shit I was occupying your mom upstairs for two hours you don't want to talk to your mom that long upstairs that's uh I do not

want to I don't want to deal with that but don't you though no I don't um we have to take a break don't we have to take a break sorry I was late dude sucks

it sucks but you're here now and you come in I give you credit dude I would have been fucking bullshit you know what are you going to do fucking so out of my control you know i did genuinely listen to yacht rock the whole way to stay calm this is literally what i did i just listen to music that i was like what are you going to do just sitting traffic i can't do anything about it yep it's a great that's why i'd love to smoke

robert kelly is going to be at the comedy carlson in rochester october 10th and 11th sometimes going on to visit the old farm where he was beaten and raped i'm going to be actually next weekend i don't know why christine is not adding she doesn't respect it you're at the port in baltimore i don't think she likes baltimore she does not like baltimore she did not enjoy the at all and held hostage by it over quarantine. I apologize. I'm staying at a haunted hotel. Remember what we did the where we did the

Ouija, the seance? Oh my God, do you think the same Dorito loving ghost is going to be back? Yeah, the port this weekend. The port this weekend, Baltimore. That's Friday and Saturday? Next weekend. Next week. Next week. 13th and the 14th. Friday Saturday. Yes, sir. Then comedy, Carlson, October 10th, and 11th after that. Tampa, it may as Pennsylvania and, of course, New Orleans for Skank Fest.

For tickets and all of us, tour dates. Go to punchup.com. Live slash Robert Kelly and Bobby's new YouTube channel YouTube.com slash at Robert Kelly comedy with a bunch of new content going up all the time. And Mr. Big J.

Ogerson is going to be at the Laugh Shop in Calgary the 11th through the 13th and Pittsburgh Improv September 18th through the 20th. Toronto on the 21st you're doing two shows. Two shows one night.

Two shows one night for the Just for Lafts Comedy Festival so get your tickets for that because that's going to sell out. Portland, Columbus for tickets and all the dates. Shit.

I should drive to Portland so people can see what's up. BigJ Comedy.com and look for him on the streets in New York. You hear this song. Oh, you'll see me coming. Yeah. Make sure it's... Mortal Kombat. The sun has set it.

The sun's set and Jay comes out. Dude, I'm coming down, Mortal Kombat. Do mortal combat when we come back. Mortal Kombat. Also, I'm doing live streams. YouTube.com slash at BigJ.Oakison live streams and his two specials are up there. One of the most entertaining influencers out there right now. I will not.

Okay. Look at me. Look at me. You're an influencer. Oh. Now that you have those lights. You're right. I am coming down, dude.

I'm like Jack Dougherty. That little annoying kid gets punched by people. We'll be right back. It's the bonfire.