The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Fran Drescher Stops In & DJ Lou Recaps Amsterdam

Episode Date: June 29, 2018

On this week's "Best of The Bonfire" - The Bonfire crew gets back from vacation and DJ Lou details his hooker experience in the Red Light District in Amsterdam. Fran Drescher stops by the Bonfire and makes one of Big Jay's dreams come true.  Jay and Dan pitch, "Beautiful Person", the Marilyn Manson Musical.  A documentary about the white right sparks another pitch idea, “Slave owner’s son appropriates black culture.” And comedian Dave Temple stops by to discuss the emotional roller coaster of "Boyz In The Hood."

You're listening to Comedy Central. Hi, I'm Dan Soder. I'm Big J. Ocasin. And you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire Live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM on Comedy Central Radio. Serious XM95 or on demand on the Serious XM app.

Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire SXM. If you're going to go with the pro for the first time, really, that's a good way to play it. So you went down to the red light district. And the broad daylight. Dude, he got it. No, it's not, you got lunch shift. You dubbed her name out.

No, well, she told me her name was Alice. What time of day were you working on? So it's like 3.30 in the afternoon, and we're sitting like right across the street drinking outside. And my friend Amanda goes, you're not really going to do that, right? That was just a joke. Oh, that was deflating.

I bet when you first heard that. Yeah, well, because I'm like, fuck you. I'm doing it. She's doing like the, are you really going to do that judgment? Yeah, she's not like you, Dan. Jay, she is a bad wingman. You are a great one. You do.

Thanks, my, so you tell her, fuck off. I'm going to do it. I said, I'm going to have three high-necks and then get enough courage and I'm gonna go to that high girl that we just passed and I'm gonna do it. It's like 60 50 bucks and I gotta do it. It's legal and I'd spend a long drought I gotta get this done. Yeah shoot out that wax clear the pipes So I go I go in there and there was a super hot one like the hottest girl ever see so 330 you go you have a couple high-necks you go for the smoke and hot one that you just saw. But somebody takes the Spanish girl so I take the next

best thing her friend because I don't want to be left out waiting in line for guys to go with all the gizz in the room. So you go and you picked the next best thing her friend which is like stripper hot. She's easily so Jacob would fall in love with her and want to throw his whole life away for her. Yeah, yeah, I would too. And so she I give her 50 bucks. I tip her 10 before I even get on the doctor paper, the doctor paper, you know,

the paper that, yeah, because if you've seen, have you seen their beds? So their beds, they put out the fucking, the doctor sheet, like the fuck. So you roll a doctor paper? Yeah, yeah, she, see your back, see your back, sweat doesn't transfer. Yeah, she was, okay, let me just,

there's got to be not a worse feeling than after you come just who ripping the paper like, shh, for the next patient, you been down. I couldn't imagine fucking a prostitute. Any did not, I'm not saying that mean or shitty or aggressive. I couldn't imagine getting any more intimate than simply maybe one leg of my pants comes

off. But definitely no shirts coming off. Oh yeah. Well, I'd go buck naked. I'd set up a picture of my family. I took everything off except for my socks and my underwares. Yeah. These colors are about to run all up in you. So you did doctors, you did doctors appointment where they go. Go down your underwear and your socks and the doctor will be right at it. It's so intimidating, yeah. So what did she just walk in and she's like, here's how it goes. I fuck it. No, well, you gotta, I learned from somebody else who works here, who's been there.

You gotta say, you gotta say the price and you want to suck and fuck. If you don't say that, she'll just suck you and throw you out. So and they suck you with a condom on., it's really not a lot of touching you can touch them But they they don't really touch you a lot pass so yeah, but I mean the price depends which ones you go to so then when all right So she's blowing me with the condom on and then Lou yeah But the doctor paper makes a lot of noise Crinkle crinkle crinkle crinkle crinkle crinkle Yeah But the doctor paper makes a lot of noise

Crinkle crinkle crinkle crinkle in the whole time you moved again. I assume non-stop They put music on to drown out the crinkling Just in my head. It's so great. I took the paper. They put inside a cargo shorts pockets when you first buy them To keep them puffed up. Yeah, he's getting blown and he's just trying to out sing the crinkling so it's going Something you're just trying to lace up you're trying to lace up a new pair of Nike's you pull all that stuff out of Yeah, yeah, it looks like you're digging through a package. You just got in the mail. You go what's in here? Oh candy The girls are just in the windows. Yeah, yeah, that's how it is. And you pick them at like you can be like, I want that one. I told Lou, you're not telling an adult, like you're picking ice cream flavors.

Yeah, I went that one. In that one. You just go to their window. I told Lou we were stoned in that night. I go, I felt like I was at an adoption shelter and all the dogs kept barking at me when you walk by their cage. But they go, hi, and you you go I'm gonna save all of you I can't I can't say when they see you

Yeah, when you make eye contact with you, yeah, they go hot and they're like they're like hey if you're walking by they'll be like hey And you're like The weird thing we're like I want to help you but I can't I got it. I mean your friend for a drink Get me out of this glass. Please on oh dad. That'd be a good guy I know how do you know my name? What did she do for you? Lou for 50 bucks? She gave me a blowjob with the condom on but then You only get 15 minutes and at like I'd say seven minutes she goes Give me another 50 and I'll make sure you come there you go

She shook me down and what else are you gonna do? So I give her another 50 and then she make sure you come there you go she shook me down and what else are you gonna do so I give another 50 and then I'll make sure you come yeah make sure I come in 15 minutes for 50 bucks. No, but I kind of like that time runs out They throw you out. I kind of like that seal of guarantee and she goes and by the way sugar you give me another 50 guarantee Splat on my rack real connection. Yeah, that's sort of always a thing too you go on for the massage It's 40 bucks for massage. it's somehow $60 for. So do all the hookers let you come inside them in the condoms? I'll look who's playing them. Finish.

So that would happen if there's money in them. I know. So money for sex, that sounds odd. So they have sex with you and then they have, they ejaculate and there's money. And they transfer. No, I'm saying they come inside them in the condom every time like that's how it finishes like I don't know I sure did inside of her Yeah, the condom is like they probably don't want to let you pull out on them

But it just seems so unsafe to let I don't know I'll tell you this man I don't know if I have pull out game like I think I'd have to pull out as I was coming even an economy I'm in a hooker for some reason because I'm like dude if just per chance I'd bust through that like a high school homecoming team Stand up and fall into brain loss and the homecoming game Dan started just got an incident hook up I guess the thing about being legal though all the girls are probably like on birth control and cared for oh Oh, yeah, it's very antiseptic So you lie down on butcher block papers. She gets up and starts blowing you on the as you're on the paper Yes, so she gets on top. We do they also hand sanitize lose mouth

You tried to wait Oh, dude I would have if she would have let me Did you kiss her? No, I did try Did she just ride you until you came? She rode me But she didn't like being on top she wanted me to she made me do her doggy Yeah, hell yeah, of course then wait so do you get like do you fluff yourself and then put the condom on? No, she does a handy she does all that and you're naked on the doctors, on the doctors bed, so you're fucking nervous.

And you're supposed to run out of the room. I'm like, dude, I can't do this. She'll get you hard with her hand, but she won't touch you with her mouth. She goes, I have to call you back. I have a side of Lou, I have to slaughter her. I mean, these pros can get men hard in condoms. Yeah, they really can't.

Yeah, I'm telling her. We see the origin of the time limit thing. But I bet that has to do with guys who just, it's such a touristy, let's get hammered and fuck a hooker place. Yeah. That these girls are probably getting worn out with these whiskey dick dudes

or just slugging it in there for 40 minutes and they're going like, please, you have to come, everything hurts. Yeah, they're fucking like a rocky boxing match There's no defense. It's all haymakers Soft dick sounds like the worst experience It sounds like your last Wednesday We have fun here

I have a thousand questions Go score thousand questions. Well, I have a fucking lot of hair on. I want to hear it. Yeah, go, dude. Go screw it. There's two things I want to... Two off the bat. So your friend, the man, the... Do you have her number? What do you... What does she do?

She said, all right, I guess I'll just wait here at the bar for you. And then what's the reunion like afterward? She said, Lou, you look two teaspoons lighter. She goes, someone's walking. She goes, someone's walking on Sunshade. She goes, yeah, you got a little mud out of your system, huh? Oh my gauge Winkle toes She goes did you dance your way to that place or just back she goes well look at this snake without his venom She's probably won't be hissing at me will ya

She goes take a rattle or off a rattle. Yeah, nothing but That's gonna stick around on the rough around. But I hate nothing about God. That's great. Fran Dresser here. Fran Dresser. Oh, I feel so welcome. I gotta tell you a funny years ago, I was trying to put my daughter into a school in Queens.

So the QFAREST school. Or so we went there, you had like interview for it. And I remember being so knowing when we walked out of the interview that it wasn't happening, I don't even know why we went, I had no money to do anything. Why did you think it wasn't happening? Because you have to get a scholarship and like, you know, my daughter's cool, she's not really scholarship material. Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! She actually said that in the interview, which is why they didn't do her the scholarship. The headmaster went, I don't think that's an appropriate. I'm sitting there very much dressed like I am right now waiting for this interview at this nice school and there was an Asian family there and they were saying like. We went in after them they were like, oh, it was pretty neat. You see that guy. He just want a Grammy last night for some kind of violin or something. I'm sitting there. I'm sitting there very much dressed like I am right now waiting for this interview at this nice school and there was an Asian family there and they were saying like when we went in after them they were like, oh, it was pretty neat. You see that guy? He just won a Grammy last night for some kind of, you know, violin or some kind of cello something and then they were leaving. They were like, you're a love it here. Fran Drescher has a family member that yeah, I'm thinking maybe cousin reads, one of cousin reads good. Okay. That sounds good. That's also the most queen's response to that

question. You go, I think, oh, I went to city field the other night to see the dead. Yeah. And company. Yeah. With John. Mayor. And I have not been surrounded by my peeps quite like being in a queen stadium. Yeah. It was so fun. I can't even tell you. Friend, friend, friend. It was just, uh, Did you smoke pot?

Just smoke weed? Do birds fly? Yeah. Hell yeah, they do. They do. In the dead gym when you smoke those breathes. I'm actually speaking at a cannabis convention because I actually have for You know long time believed in the medicinal qualities of cannabis if you can't tell by the way we're dressed

We also support the cause exactly well. Do I hear a friend dresser Cypress Hill tour coming Cypress Hill tour coming? Friends Cypress Hill Do it let's get mouth kings 27th in Portland Oregon I'll be there speak. I'm a great Yeah, keynote speaker We got it. That's got to be a great play. It's got to be a low pressure keynote speech situation though because everyone's like speech is gonna be hey guys

Got the front row Oh yeah, I got it locked up. Can I get it? Can we do my favorite scene from Saturday Fever? Okay. Starting at is Connie gonna get our answer. I got this. I'm working on it. Now you say,

So is Connie gonna get her answer? Oh, you know, wait, I think I repeat the line, technical. No, we watched the last night, just as Connie can get our answer are you are you? Is good and bad as you want in the dance floor? I go you know I do say that Connie if you as good as bad as you are in the dance floor, I bet you a real lousy fuck Well, then why do they always bring me flatt was the next thing? I don't know you know

Like a lot of guys don't know bad fuck fuck when they got one. Who maybe they thought you was dead? Yes! Yeah! You did everything ever months. For interaction, thank you so much. Can you play Green Day? What's that song? I, uh, a bro of honor broken dreams. He's just in the Broadway musical.

No, it's from the album American Idiot. It's straight, thank you. No, no, I know, but... Are all the first? Yeah, that was the way... I didn't know it started like that I thought there was a great way to know that you don't know anything about rock. It's all been a lie to you You know is this from the musical on you? Jay it's from the Grammy-ord winning album American

2004 they can't lure me to Broadway by put if I'm gonna go see Broadway. What if they did corn live? No, I'm gonna go see cornball fucking If I'm gonna go see Broadway, whatever they did corn live. No, I'm gonna go see Cornball fucking Broadway. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, if I go to Broadway, I want to see that corn ball But I'm gonna go I'm gonna go see the theatrical fan of the opera's or the fucking shirt legs down I love everybody. I would never go see that What you're doing, but I would go see a if I'm going to the theater to see a play it doesn't have to be don't try to cool I don't want to see like the Marilyn Manson play It's just stupid to be beautiful people written by Marilyn Manson opening on Broadway

With Chesney Lafleur It's all I think you hate the most The beautiful people, the beautiful people I'm gonna be beautiful It's all so harmonized the size of your steeple It's also common as the size of your steeple. And also coming this whole to broad. Patience will take it away! It's the Antichrist Superstar like you've never seen him.

Marilyn Mason is. I don't like the drugs but the drugs like me. Take this rib out of me. I got to suck my own dick I got to suck my own Can I suck it with all these ribs in the way? I'm just a boy with too many ribs too just want to be left alone. I just want to be left alone. I just want to be left alone. I just want to be left alone.

I just want to be left alone. I just want to be left alone. I just want to be left alone. I just want to be left alone. I just want to be left alone. I just want to be left alone. I just want to be left alone. I just want to be left alone. I just want to be left alone. I

He's not ready for my idea What a journey Oh Yes Bravo Bravo. Oh Dude I say we pitch it. Let's fucking get this shit made. Oh, why I can see on the back of a bus. Oh, yeah Just in a cat like a beautiful person. Yeah, the beautiful man. It's just his eye. It's the weird eyes Man, Rose McGowan. She's making me crazy Rose McGowan. She's making me crazy Rose my gallon. She's driving me nuts Rose my gallon. She's wearing Chameleon. She's a rose my gallon and she's mine

Stop showing your mouth to the press side wanna keep something for home A man with boobs a man with boobs. We can't allow a man with boobs. God is just an illusion! Ah man, I'm fucking totally down with this. So think that we were in slavery like a hundred years before civil rights seems insane now. But I think the original point was that it is insane and it's just crazy when you compare racism in different countries. And I think America's such a large cultural center that ours is the focal point of a lot of our culture that's made, whether it be hip hop or movies or TV,

you know, especially now where a lot more... Sneaker heads. Sneaker heads. You know, tag pants. Disgusting. Disgusting. I was just gonna say, you know, trolling other rappers on the street and letting the bjasses know who's coming.

World star hip hop. It's great to be in a time where you do have white people emulating black culture, though, because I mean, that never was gonna happen 150 years ago. But it is, it is. It is a rich kid comes out wearing rags and shit. Yeah. We're like shackles on his face, he goes,

what's up, dude? No, he's the thing now. He goes, I grew up around a lot of slaves. And you're like, what? Oh, no, I would go out to the slave court and just kick it. How was this sketching up in time? Oh, to the slagger wiggers.

Slaggies. Oh, we're not a bad team. We're not a bad team. We go, oh, I'll save. You guys hair afro down. Just start to get out. Just start to get hair. It starts with his dad.

He goes, well, has anyone seen Theodore today There goes I heard he was down with one of them house knee grows down by the river. Oh God damn it Trying to start a cipher He's trying to do it. He's trying to do a him. He's trying to do a low-hear Yo yo yo wave in the water You think yo yo yo wave in the water Sun get away from those slaves yo dad you don't even know what's up Stop talking like that I am the plantation master all right y'all master call me back for dinner shit So you know massive ain't even fuckers bitch right? Yo, you guys keep it real. I'll see you. Yeah, y'all stop it y'all sneak y'all out some rations later in shit

Theodore yo dad I told you my name's kut the kentay yeah y'all they gave me one of the names I take him a slave master's name. You guess I shit. Dude, that's best, I'm- Tobias. On June 10th when it's abolished, he goes, Yo, Dad, I ain't got a living normal. He goes, you are my son and the heir to this plantation.

I'm gonna take this elephant hunting gun, and I'm gonna get the fuck up out of here. Yeah, I'm gonna Chicago. I'm gonna start a jazz club. Get a fuck in the first winger. It's slave winger. How did that never happen? How has it never been a fucking...

You know why? Because we're laughing at it and as soon as you go, hey, some network, you want to make this sketch of slave winger and they go, I don't think Panasonic would agree with it. I don't think any of our sponsors. It's funny! Can we get Shepel back for one more sketch? Yeah, hell yeah, I'll pitch it to me. Slave wigger?

That should be a thing. Back to the slave owner's son, just go in full slave. He goes, ah, he's having a business meeting and is studying, he's having a business meeting in his study. And he's like, is that me? You do I hear a change in the house? And he goes, that would be my son,

theodore, who's going through the stage right now. Pardon me for asking. Is this back-old bloody? He's like, he does it to himself. He has his sister whip him in the basement. Our guest, Philly Dave Temple Dave Temple Comedy.com welcome back to the show Dave always a funny. I feel like we're supposed to go kill Ricky right now from boys in the head. I'm gonna take a scholarship myself. If that doesn't make if that doesn't

make some emotional that's a gut check for anybody I know who you can kill this making they me they set it up so on the nose really Yeah, when she was the bloody acceptance letter for you guys up to the school It's like he always scored enough on the test to get into the school He was gonna be somebody I always get emotional when she gets mad at no boy. Oh yeah, when the mom gets mad. That's why. Yeah, you didn't even give me a chance. Yeah, yeah. Some times it's important to be the one you know he is the old man. Fucking dominoes motherfucker.

And then she's been having this a tray and you're like, oh, he's gonna be gay. Yeah, right. But we, but it's fucked up that we, we, the one kid ends up in a wheelchair and we just brush over that. That's just normal. Oh, yeah, you want to be that Chris in a wheelchair? Well, how exactly did he get in this wheelchair?

Is it spite of that? I'm not having his conversation with a grown man wearing a pacifier. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry, either stand, stand or, stand and suck. Or not. You can't murder and care that much about your hair His hair was so moist. Well, my god, that was another thing about like 90s gangster movies like that like that hood Everyone was so well manicured. Yeah, everyone was in great shape

Hairless always like a flawless shape up. You know what I mean? Yeah, no, yeah, not a lot of chubby kids No even the chubby kid that was lined up nice. Yeah. Great line. It's like you just got power from the ball yourself. Fuse when I got around like real thugs, like you guys stink. Yeah, you know we're the same t-shirt

as you chess and shit. You know what they also do that with is white trash. And movie white trash are always jacked and they have six packs. They have like perfectly placed rib tattoos and then you get around real and you're like you have psoriasis yeah yeah yeah smoking new ports like smoking winstens inside you are covered in when I can only describe as blotch hope you enjoyed this week's

best of the bonfire you can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM East on Comedy Central Radio serious xm 95-M95 or on demand on the Serious Ex-MF. Be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire at SXM.