The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Functional Fur (feat. Jamie Lissow)

Episode Date: April 9, 2024

Living in Alaska, Comic Jamie Lissow faces challenges like freezing temperatures and no women.

And now, The Bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly. And I need you now tonight I fucking need you more than ever And if you'll only hold me tight We'll be holding on forever And we'll only be making it right Cause we'll never be wrong Together we can take it to the end of the line You love it like a shadow on me all the time Shit, I don't know what to do, I'm always in the dark Living in a pot of cake and giving off sparks I really need you tonight Before I was gonna start tonight

For fucking ever was gonna start too Once upon a time there was light in my life. Now there's only love in the dark. Nothing I could say, total eclipse of the heart. Now I'm fucking falling apart. Nothing I could say, total eclipse of the heart. Now I'm fucking falling apart. Nothing I could say, total eclipse of the heart. Oh Jesus, once upon a time there was light in my life. Now there's only love in the dark.

Nothing I could say, total eclipse of the heart. Now I'm fucking falling apart. Nothing I could say, total eclipse of the heart. Now I'm fucking falling apart. Nothing I could say, total eclipse of the heart. Now I'm fucking falling apart. Nothing I could say, total eclipse of the heart. Now I'm fucking falling apart.

Nothing I could say, total eclipse of the heart. Now I'm fucking falling apart. Nothing I could say, total eclipse of the heart. Now I'm fucking falling apart. Nothing I could say, total eclipse of the heart. Now I'm fucking falling apart. Nothing I could say, total eclipse of the heart. Now I'm fucking falling apart. Nothing I could say, total eclipse's the Bonfire, Faction Talk Series XM 103. Big Jokers and Robert Kelly. We have a great guest in with us today, everyone.

He's going to be at the Columbus Funny Bone April 11th Hilarities in Cleveland April 12th in the Pittsburgh Improv, April 13th. And he's going to be at the Columbus Funny Bone April 11th Hilarities in Cleveland April 12th in the Pittsburgh Improv, April 13th. And he's going to be at the Columbus Funny Bone April 11th Hilarities in Cleveland April 12th and the Pittsburgh Improv April 13th. Everybody, it is hilarious.

My old buddy, Jamie Liso. What's up, buddy? What's up, guy? I just saw the eclipse on an airplane. Did you really? I just saw it. I saw it, everyone was very, very excited. I could have given a fuck,

and I had to sort of act like I cared. Can I say something, though? Yeah. I know you say you don't care and I did the same thing But you kind of care. I started to care you start I know everybody's a fuck the eclipse dude. I'll give a fuck It's the Sun in front of the foot, but there's a moment you look at you like oh, that's kind of cool I did start to care. You're absolutely right. Yeah, did you look at it? I looked at a phone that was pointing outside. That was the the safety precaution Okay, some lady had her phone and the whole plane was very excited and Bobby Kelly's right

I didn't care and then I care until you care. Yeah, and then you were like, I don't fucking care Yeah, yeah, yeah, you go right back to being a man. I didn't care at all But Christine was staring at the window like a puppy so I had to go it is getting a little darker I guess she has to care because of the moon, the sun, the wind, and the water. Oh, you're absolutely right. I didn't time my day right and I wish I would have gone on the roof, but as I'm watching it, she's just going, Christine, you need to get in the shower.

Christine, you have to get in the shower. No, seriously. He ruined the eclipse, yeah. I was like angry at the eclipse because I went to fly from, I was doing the Rochester Comedy Club on Friday and Saturday and I went to fly out and the flight got canceled. I had no memory of the eclipse and I go, fly out, and the flight got canceled. I had no memory of the eclipse, and I go out and just grab another flight to Rochester.

There isn't one, and there's not one to Buffalo. That people like- Oh, it's right in the line, that's your path. And the train was sold out? And so this is like six in the morning, I had to go rent a car, so the whole time I was just like, fuck the eclipse, until this afternoon. And you saw it.

When it all turned around. And then it turned around. And you saw it, and it turned everything around. Everything. I was looking at it at turned around. And then it turned around. And you saw it, and it turned everything around. Everything. I was looking at it at my driveway. I was like, oh, I'm good. Max and Don went to the park. I guess it was a big eclipse party at the park.

Oh, my ex-wife and daughter and her sister and everything, I went up to Lake George to go watch eclipse. I wouldn't go up to fucking. Four hour drive to watch a 22nd event? No. No. I wouldn't do that. fuckers for our drive to watch a no 22nd event no no It's it's I get it it is and I I totally was fucking whatever and then I did look at it by myself in the driveway I saw my neighbor who's a firefighter crowd He was doing the same thing just two alpha males, but you couldn't really see much you could see it If you look through your phone, I had the glasses you need the glasses When you have the glasses on it it you can see it a hundred percent

And then I put that through my phone over my glasses. Yeah, I'll show you I'm gonna show you It's a good video of the eclipse. Yeah, I told you I didn't like it, but then I liked it Judge me don't fucking judge me. Well you do want a plane Jamie when it happened. Yeah, I was on play I find him pretty wild just now time to see it. Oh look at that. It's pretty wild. Yeah it is pretty cool. It's during the day. You wouldn't drive to Lake George for that? I wouldn't I wouldn't drive actually to the city to see it no I wouldn't no. I didn't even go on my roof to see it. Yeah no I wouldn't I wouldn't go anywhere to see it but I was in the driveway I looked up I had a pair of glasses. I don't like how people spend so much time going to it and then

they go don't look at it. Yeah, I have too many intrusive thoughts in my life to do. I've learned to get my intrusive thoughts away when I'm on a roof and just stop telling. Every time I'm on a roof that's got low borders, you're like, it's pretty crazy. I really could just make a split decision to end everything right now.

And then same thing with the eclipses. I was like, don't look, I go, I'm gonna be tempted just to go, what's really gonna happen and just stare right at it and then sizzle my eyes out. I did, I have the same intrusive, I was at a Patriots game, 50 yard line, second, first row, second level.

And I had to keep my feet on the glass the whole game. Cause my whole, I was like, dude, I could just jump off this right now. Yeah. I was like, I just can't, you know, I didn't even that thing. So I just kept on having to, every time they scored something,

I didn't want to stand up with everybody. You're like, man, I could just go. I could just really be, I could be at fucking news tomorrow by just a slight quick decision to be like that. I'm over it. Yeah. I swear to God, I've never, I had these thoughts and I've never heard anyone verbalize it before.

Really? And I feel so comfortable now that you said, like I've never, I didn't know that everybody had the jump off had these thoughts. I've never heard anyone verbalize it before really and I feel so comfortable now that you said like I've never I didn't know that everybody had the jump off the thing thoughts. I learned I learned very I put a finger my bum Too. Oh my god, I feel even better. All right I've learned that term very recently intrusive thoughts Right. Am I saying it right intrusive thoughts? Yeah, it's just those, you know when you're driving over a bridge and you're like Just crank the wheel thoughts. Yeah, it's just those, you know, when you're driving over a bridge and you're like, just crank the wheel, man, that's it.

Yeah. That's Patrice's old joke, where he had a, he was talking about intrusive thoughts when you hold a baby. He goes, I can't hold babies. People are like, hold my baby. Nah, because I just have that urge to fucking touch down. Yeah, yeah.

I just can't. Sometimes when I'm on like a tall thing and I think like, I could on a tall thing and I think, I could jump off this building and I'll have saved the exact right amount of money. For my whole life. You know? The exact right amount.

Are you in town, New York, you're doing Gutfeld? Yeah, so I just stopped in to do, I usually come the night before. Oh, very, very cool. To do Gutfeld tomorrow. Yeah, it made me much more comfortable. The only one time I did Gutfeld, Jamie was on too and he was great. You were great, man, it was fun. How's it? I love the old show

I used to the old one at that fucking red eye red eye and the table was wobbly the whole time You can have a coffee on it. How's the new show? Is it good? Yeah, it's like red eye with a with a more sturdy table It's it's good. It's kind of the same thing. It's kind of like, I don't know, Greg's been a friend of mine for 25, 30 years. He's kind of been doing his own thing forever and now it's like millions of people are noticing. That's what I see. I feel like it's not that different.

Red Eye was a little sillier and maybe a little edgier, but it goes like A block is all the big stories. But by the time you get to E, it's Red Eye again. But let me ask you a question. Like on the, this show gets more views than the late-night shows, right? Yeah. That's crazy.

That's crazy. Is that official now across, I know over the strike and everything was huge for it because it was the only thing sticking around. It was the only thing with original programming. Yeah, and an article came out two days ago where Greg Gutfeldtiner knew multi-year contracts, and I was reading it, I couldn't believe it,

and I'm kind of part of it, where they beat every other show Not just old at 25 to 54 like the money range like they crushed everybody for the year Well, because he's opening up news with a monologue. That's actually funny and edgy. No, it's fine. I said it he was and he was like He's very giving on the show too I feel like he gives it to you like he set you up to win said you know I said for going on that show, pretty nervous. I was like, it was very comfortable by the time we did it.

Now, did he give you topics that day and you got to come up with your angle on it? Or he's just sort of like, you also just had like a, you just go out there and talk with it, man. I think what is impactful with, cause I do notice like ticket sales more than even doing like a late show appearance. Good word, by the way.

I think it's because, which word? Impactful. Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. And it was- You're an influencer too. I have a calendar with one word each day and I've been trying to work it in ever since I got here. So, but yeah, I feel like it's because you get to hang out.

Like at tonight's show set, you're doing like four and a half minutes, joke's cool. But like they get to, you get to ad lib. You can interrupt someone. Like you could do what you do on this radio show. It's kind of wild you be yourself Yeah And they kind of get to know who you are and like they like I'm like the divorced Alaskan and broke guy

You know and like it they sort of like latch on to that and I don't know it makes it easier Did you see Alaskan? I live in Alaska you live in yeah, you live in Alaska now. It makes no sense Yeah, my kids were there how often you flying into it's ever I find in New York like twice a month from Alaska Do you do you do shows in front of Eskimos and shit? I've did a show at an ice hotel Nothing, I will say it will be impressive the next few minutes like I I've done shows at all the little towns all little islands I met my now ex-wife doing a show 25 years ago. I went up and did show in Alaska It was like love it's it was not chill coot. So chillacoutes is Anchorage okay nice big city some sunlight happening I live in Fairbanks where it's 24 hours of

darkness pretty much nine months out of the year did you your wife had like a tattoo on her lip and like chip her teeth down to fangs so she can get into seal me and the ratio of guys to girls is like it's like eight to one Girls and when I got girls are girls Eight guys for every girl and I remember when I was doing like the I was the headliner and she was kind of talking To me so many guys were like this fucking guy. Yeah, then I took one of their women because they're fucking their name is gonna die Yeah, because some white guy from Buffalo came up. Yeah, they don't have enough meat for the winter Weirdly good in Alaska with the late It was weird a weird place that like if you was Anchorage

But I mean when you pulled actually when I did uh, I hooked up when I went to What's Valdez? Valdez, Alaska. It was great. And did she approach you because I find yes you yeah Yes, of course they do they want to get the fuck out. It's very similar to Buffalo. No, I think you're right. I think you're absolutely right. I think they do want to get the fuck out.

And you were an asshole and you stayed. Let's move here. Yeah, my ex-wife used to call me Exit Plan. Did you have a house or was it like one of those huts that aren't finished? Would you believe I actually have? Well, there's no zoning. You know how like in New York, like it's all nice.

But I have I have what I think is like a nice house where my kids live. Like I think you'd be like, oh, it's a nice house. And like two doors down, it's a guy living in a bus with no wheels. Like there's no zoning. Like you can just do whatever you want. Do you have a snowmobile and shit? Do you have to like get food for the winter? Do you have to like go fish? I live in my halibut

I live in more of a metropolitan area, but they're actually I do have friends Yeah, where they go you have to park your car and then they pick you up in an ATV and you go back It would do the other day I have three kids and my my my kid had a friend over from one of these towns where he has like ATV out into The wilderness right and he comes over and I leave the room for a minute. When I come back in, they're playing Grand Theft Auto and they're like killing people and shooting. And I was like, we gotta stop this. This is a kid.

I don't know him. You're allowed to play, but I don't feel comfortable like letting him play. So I make him turn it off. A couple of weeks later, my son goes to sleep over at his house and they start sending me pictures of what they're up to. My son's holding a gun, an actual gun.

And he, oh, the squirrels were getting into the thing so I gave, and I was like, oh my God, I'm gonna go tomorrow to school and I'm gonna be like, you can't let my kid have a gun, like this is really dangerous. How are they gonna have lunch? Yeah. Right.

I didn't have a gun. And I swear to God, I went up, I got all my courage, I'm not very good at confronting people, and I went up to this dad and I go, hey, I gotta talk to you and he goes, I gotta talk my courage, I'm not very good at confronting people, and I went up to this dad and I go, hey, I gotta talk to you, and he goes, I gotta talk to you, Grand Theft Auto? And he yelled at me first for letting his kid play that game.

Real guns? Yeah, but he's hunting to survive. Your kid's hunting hookers. It's a different thing. Yeah, to add up, he would have to have sex in front of your child also. Because I see his wife in front of his child. I gave him a real gun and made him watch me and my wife fuck.

That's it. Has the 24 hours of darkness with you or anybody in your family been like any kind of a difficulty with like a mental readjustment to that? Because that's a fucking like, I know, I hear this thing, when I was younger, I feel like I would have loved that. I always thought it was neat. I would love to see because that's a fucking like I know I hear this thing when I was younger I feel like I would have loved that I was thought I was neat I would love to see yeah do like a couple weeks where it's dark during the

day is kind of cool and then I feel like it would get like now as I get older like I'm enjoying the longer days again now like oh yeah I feel like it'd be hard to quantify because it would just be a different depression I had to end the depression but I do notice another great word think, that was yesterday's word. Bobby's from Boston, so he loves people who say nice words, yeah. It means a lot to him. Thank you, appreciate that.

Yeah, but I think kids don't give, I don't care at all, don't give a shit. My kids have no idea. I don't even think they know, like it's weird when I see other kids that are so, they need their, I was gonna use the word autonomous, but I was gonna dumb it down a little bit for Bobby.

It was a- I love autonomous, it's a great word. It's a great word, but the kids, they put on their own boots and they put on snow pants three times a day at school, so they're very self-sufficient. And I noticed that they're so resilient, and never once has my kid gone like, this is bullshit, it's too dark.

But it is a step, it is very, if I go there for a week, I have to get the fuck like I start to lose my mind almost but I also have I don't want to be there my kids are the only people I like there I kind of an ex-wife I sort of got tricked into moving along store but I don't have like the greatest reasons to be there besides my kids you have your own house out there that you go to or do you go to there you have so you have to keep I have a residence up there yeah and like last Tuesday, I get a call,

they go, hey, it's the HOA, like your door's open, and it's 15 below zero. And I'm like, well, so like whenever something happens, I guess my ex-wife went and left the door open, and they had to go in with some team, if your pipes freeze, it's like 30 grand, like there's always like these worries, because it's in this place.

Everything up there is real expensive too though. Gas is nuts, everything is, to get it up there is wild, right? Yeah, hookers are very expensive because of the ratio. Yeah. And everything's expensive. And also in those times, everybody knows the hooker.

Yeah, but hookers are 24 hours up there. When I was in Valdez, I remember having to get, I was stuck late night as well before Uber and everything, and I was like, the person who was supposed to drive me home got drunk And I was like why didn't get a cab or something and they were like Ted's asleep. Yeah They knew the guy shit dude. I swear to God the I the first time over just got to Uber just got to Alaska like not that long ago like maybe two years ago and the first three times I called it

It was the same guy Yeah, same guy the first three times and sometimes I land it was the same guy. It was the same guy the first three times, and sometimes I land still, and I get no ride for like an hour and a half. They call him Billy Uber. It's Billy Uber. He's got a dog sled. Oh, there's no one, yeah,

because your ex-wife won't pick you up, that bitch. She will not, yeah. That fucking sucks. Not a great relationship. You're not friends with her? We're cordial, but it's tough. I have to work every day to co to co-parent and like be cool How many kids you got I have three three with her. Yeah three with her Wow

Yeah, what you leave before Neskimo? She he might a guy from high school was it really? Yeah. Yeah. Oh shit Yeah, and they're together in Alaska. They are do you is he indigenous he that we haven't gotten that word yet in my calendar He's from that local. he is local one of them That's fucking weird it was you know what though you ever like I feel like I'm a different person now than I was back Down when I was married. I think she absolutely did the right thing. Oh You know like going with it. I'm saying for you What does that do like so you're dry you're flying out here a couple times a week

and you get your kids. Is this hard? And you said there's eight guys to one woman out there. How do you date? Yeah, it's very, I never dated one girl in Alaska and then I sort of met a girl a couple years ago. I never dated anybody. I was just like.

Does your celebrity carry over to Alaska pretty well? I have kind of been slightly famous in Alaska for like 15 years. Just because nobody does anything. Sure, sure, sure. So like when I did the Tonight Show they were like super psyched. I was like in the newspaper. That's only 13 people.

And a lot of them have this in their name. Did you learn to hunt though? Did you learn to like live? Did you have to learn all that stuff or? No I have it's just it's it's just a regular city It's just a race Well, there are people that I always feel like like, you know They say like keep up with the Joneses and like you want bigger and better stuff I remember being like I could just be friends with that dude. I'll be friends with the Joneses and use this stuff

It's why I have friends who hunt yeah and fish and every year I have like fresh salmon, but I don't go out there They're just guys that come over there. They're just like guys that come over. They don't do it? They're extra beef. Yeah. Yeah, they always have some extra beef. That's a good move. Extra fish.

Where did you grow up at? I grew up in Rochester. Oh, you grew up, okay. It's very similar. Yeah. It's very similar. But it's dangerous. An old mill town.

Like you have to have a gun. Like when you go around up there, you gotta have a gun and shit. You gotta be pretty, a lot of people have guns. Most people, I don't have a gun. You don go around up there, you gotta have a gun and shit. You gotta be pretty, a lot of people have guns. Most people, I don't have a gun. I think Alaska is like the fifth or fourth has the most guns. Everybody, like 65% of people have guns up in Alaska.

A lot of people have guns. Yeah, everybody has guns. You don't want one? I kinda do, I just don't know. I don't know. I'm afraid of guns very much, but I want to get unafraid. That's because you live with Christine. You don't want to kill her.

I would kill her. I would at least shot her in the leg to prove a point. And then I got to trust she's not going to tell everyone that for the rest of our lives. I'm not a gun. I've always kind of wanted one, but I had a bad, like, in my past, like, a weird gun accident story that's not worth getting into, but that made me never

want to have a gun. A gun incident story that's not? What happened? It's just somebody killed the kid. You me never want to have a gun. It's the story. That's not what happened It's just somebody killed the kid. You know somebody Do I I'll just say I've never said a lot I don't think but like there was like a mix-up with some my grandparents had like some mental stuff going on and they had as a mix-up with some drugs and my Grandfather actually like he killed my grandmother and killed himself and it was one of those like it was just like a weird

like a weird Like a Psychological he was like a good dude when I pressured you to tell us I thought you were saying it wasn't worth telling Because it's not that big like yeah a kid in the neighborhood guys like pinky toe blown off So and we always caught him like a hop along after that so I didn't want to be that guy I didn't realize it was a family suicide hop along after that so I don't want to be that guy. I didn't realize it was a family murder or suicide. It was going to ruin everything? Yeah, you know who your grandfather wasn't a good person to? Your grandmother. Not a fun person. But I just had this fear of like having, I don't know, I just like you. Sure, that's a legit fear I think now. Yeah, I feel like that's a good one.

Yeah, let's move on. Better make a case for it. Let's go. Did you ever make a snow angel? Yeah. How do you deal with all the snow? Yeah, I have a bad thing with snow angels. They, uh. It was redirect. Jamie, what's going on? Redirect.

Can you? I'm just because I looked at Fairbanks here. Are the northern lights just like a normal thing where you are? Yeah, pretty normal. You have to drive a little bit outside of town to see them real good. But yeah, I seen him like to the point where I don't even look over. I'm to the point where if somebody goes, it's a moose with its baby,

I go, I don't fucking like I've seen so many moose with their babies. But if you brought a young lady, a beautiful young lady, you were seeing up to the northern lights, you kick the seats back, you're getting ready to go for it. What genre of music do you put on? I would say, I have a playlist on my phone that says it's called Fuck Yes. And it's some Billie Eilish. Okay. I think I'd go Billie Eilish. Okay, you went a little modern.

Yeah, you wanna hear a girl mumbling in baby talk? Uh, it is a weird place, yeah. Oh, Scooby, Scooby, Scooby, Scooby, Scooby, Scooby, Scooby. Yeah, I think they got like a loose mic cable or something. They gotta connect it. Why'd you have to do this song, Will? I could never hear this song again. That's what they're whispering to. Stuck up every day Brother and I have

She sings in my favorite octave dog whistle, I don't think I get fucked at this anymore after that but But don't feel bad about that Bobby would fuck to the most basic hackneyed Prince songs. No. Come on. Albie Shore, remember Albie Shore? Sure. That's fucking good. I was having sex with my girlfriend who I feel like she has a good job and she makes a good amount of money and we're having sex and the song was on, I think it might have been Billy Eilish, and right before, right when it was getting good, a fucking ad came on. Oh, God.

And she has, she has, she has, whatever, not a band, Tora. Yeah. She's got it with ads. So you came to the General? I came to a hot dog commercial. It was like four, I swear to God. Go to the General and save some time.

I go, it's $10 a month, you're a doctor. You're a doctor. Yeah, I judge now pretty hard if you don't have if you have YouTube with ads. I really I'll look you right at you It's more important than a nice car. We went to Sal Volcano's house on his 11th year of Impractical Jokers and Went to his YouTube the one time and Ad reads. Wow. He gave me a lot oh, I'm logged into the wrong thing, whatever, it's the thing, but sounds like he just picks his poison and it ain't getting rid of those ads on YouTube.

I was in a writer's room for a show that had been on the air for four years and this guy was one of the writers and they go, hey, pull up that clip of Hulu with ads. Come on, man. He wasn't back the next year. Yeah, he shouldn't be. And so are we for that.

Fantastic worker, great writer, but that's it. You're out, Ski. You can't be that kind of cheap. Bobby, I feel like you're being quiet because you have ads on your Hulu and YouTube. I'm not plugged into the right account. Oh, okay, that happens from time to time. I don't have ads.

I pay for YouTube. OK. Well, if someone doesn't pay for YouTube, they're either too young to or had no interest in seeing Cobra Kai. I feel like that's when everybody got it. When Cobra Kai came out, it was YouTube Red was the premium. And everybody got it for that.

And then you were like, you know what? Why would I ever go back to commercials on YouTube and now I kept it that's Bobby I'm Jay and to get our full show sign up for a SiriusXM subscription at SiriusXM.com slash bonfire support our show don't be some jerk off just taking the free stuff let them know you want us to be here forever or we won't or

We won't subscribe I I watched the outdoor boys. You know who they are. I do not oh, okay You don't explain it to us They're from Alaska their Alaskan family, and they do all kinds of silly shit. You know like you know hunt and stuff They're there right there, but he's uh, he's a Mormon There's no swearing but me and Max watched the show because he's with his kids all the time and we always try to catch an edit Where he starts he's about to yell at his kids Where's about to go? Hey, don't guys put that fucking down and Max goes dad

Do what he really did before they edited I go I go, I said don't fucking do that, put it down, asshole. Jesus, what is that? That's a king crab. Alaskan king crab. Yeah, dude, they go out and they, that's a new episode right now. That's some Alaskan living right there. They go out and they have to get their food.

Oh, I bet Alaskan king crab's great. That's amazing. Oh, it's good. You know how much it costs for that fucking crab? You know, $175. For one crab. For one, for us us up there 25 bucks I'm there you know the most frustrating thing about living in Alaska when I first moved there as as comedians I fell a

Vagina, let's see the thousand things I can guess being removed from America Having the hair from the asshole connect to the vagina. Yeah all the night thing Hatchet death still per capita than any other state polar bears in your garbage having to get a tattoo on your face you know one of the things that is it when you're I think it used to be like being a comedian getting your getting a TV show is like it like that was like the holy grail and I remember like when I was just like we're all trying to pitch stuff and do whatever and like Everybody I knew like had one like my vet was like I'm on season three fixing dogs I like every

Job in Alaska is a series. I'm the only guy every job. Yeah, that is holy Yeah, cuz there's so much there going on ice road truckers Yeah, there's a bush person that like worked at tanning salon. I'm like, this is bullshit. They're all trying to get gold. Yeah, how is my deli lady's IMDB longer than mine? I still stand, it was Anchorage, Alaska again, but the great Alaskan Bush company was still to this day one of the strangest places ever,

and for the wrong reason, it's a strip club. Yeah. But it's like families having, it's like a strip club slash a sizzler. Yeah. Like there was full families in there, it didn't, but there was naked women on the stage. It was a bizarre, bizarre place.

It's weird, they're very nice though. Alaskan people are almost too nice, where it's weird how nice they are. They have a fleet of people at Chill Cool Charlie's, last I was there, prepared to drive home anybody, or they, when Uber became a thing, or not Uber, I guess it was still cab companies, they would pay for anyone's cab to get home,

and you wouldn't be charged overnight for the parking. That's how they were like, come here and get obliterated, and we'll make it so you never, you could drive here and never worry about getting your car home till tomorrow. I almost bought a wolf jacket. Why? I'm so sad I didn't buy it.

There? Yeah, I went into a store and it was fur, all furs. And I had a wolf, all wolf, hoodie, wolf, just all these. Did you still have the face when it came over your head? No, I didn't have the, yeah, dude, it was like. I think you're describing a wolf costume. It was like that gray one right there. Oh, dude, you look like Jared Leto.

Oh I would have thought that. Oh my god. I was big at the time so I couldn't afford all the extra wolves. Too many wolves? Too many wolves, like nine wolves. It was an illegal amount of wolves to kill. You'd be going over quota.

You went over your limit to make my jacket. I'm sorry sir, we can only murder six wolves at a time. Oh I love a fur. Me too. I love it. I have no problems with it either way. And if somebody threw paint on my fur, oh, there'd be hell to pay.

It might actually look cooler. I would have a Joan Rivers reaction to that. I'll scratch your eyes out. Look at that. Yeah, the problem with buying fur in Alaska though is like when I'm picturing a fur I'm picturing looking like Ghostface killer. This is like when you have to go ice fishing This is functional fur I'm looking for dope ass

Yeah, that fur is like it still has a lot of the animal still on it cuz there's a lot of that type of It still has meat in it There's a lot of the animals still on it. Cause there's a lot of that type of fur. Yeah. Yeah. There's so much. It still has meat in it. There's a little bit of gore on this. Yeah. You have to hang in closet for three months. Yeah. That's the one I wanted right there.

That's my jam. That's fake fur though. That's not real. It's rabbit, dude. Is that rabbit? Yeah. Chinchilla. That's like 60 rabbits, dude.

So many rabbits for me. Oh, my size will be a lot of rabbits. How is rabbit number expensive? A fleet of rabbits. It'll be like that movie Us. Yeah, I'd wear that. I'd wear that in a second. That purple one? Oh, I love it.

I know. The purple rabbit. The Wu-Tang guys to make it for me, though. I feel like in Alaska, you might, someone might just shoot you. If you're dressed full wolf. Do it. Do it.

Do it. Do it. You're gonna dress so much like a, I got these antler hats dude, and this wolf jacket. I went to say hi to my neighbors, they shot arrows at me. Do you have to like,

you have to like have a whole different outfit. You gotta travel with warm shit. That sucks. I actually learned that the hard way. You have to travel with warm shit in your car. And I never did it because I was dad that came in for a week. And one time I was with my kids

and just something happened. My car wouldn't start and we were at a parking lot of a place and it was closing. It was like 30 below zero and I had all my kids. And within a couple minutes I was like, this is extremely dangerous and we're all gonna freak. It was very scary so we made it to like a gas station. But yeah, you have to have like full had all my kids. And within a couple minutes I was like, this is extremely dangerous and we're all gonna freak. It was very scary so we made it to like a gas station. But yeah, you have to have like full, all your kids.

You can't just go, I'm running to the store and jump in with shorts. You have to have it back your car, you know, boots, gloves, all that stuff. Damn. How cold does it get there? I think 40 below. Jesus Christ.

That's a regular day for you. Yeah, a regular day that my ex-wife chose. You can't pee outside in that weather. Yeah, you can't pee outside. I don't, you ever see the videos where they throw the, throw the tea up in the air and it freezes? Hot water. I did that and it happened.

It was like 35 below zero, whatever. It did happen? Yeah, that's very cold. Like it's not always like that, but we did, I had 10, sorry, I had 10 days in a row, 30 below zero this year. Just 10 hand in a row by the way that thing That was one of my favorites. You can find that Christine in Indianapolis I

Went there one year and it was like 15 20 below or something they were doing that like if you boil water And throw it up in the air That like it it evaporates right away but then people were getting a lot of trouble because they thought they'd do the pranks. Since it evaporates, they think the second it leaves the thing, it's cause they're throwing it up in the air. So it's like hanging and evaporating. It's too fast. They would just get a bottle of hot water and go outside and splash on their friend thing. It was going to evaporate. And it was like, you know,

it was almost like a Harlem globe trying to like metal arc lemon. It was going to turn into confetti and they would just skull people's face skin off. They'd go, hey boiling hot water. Pshh, aah! And they're like, oh dude, I thought the guy on TV said. When it's 40 below though, are you just homebound, everyone's just indoors or do you have activities? It's very, it's like Alaska,

it preps you for it being freezing cold because you do have to take your kids to school and soccer practice or basketball, whatever even though it's so cold. So everyone, kind of everyone has like a garage that's 70 degrees and a remote car start and all this stuff. So you do go to your things, but you don't go anywhere

that you could go next week. I don't like taking Max to fucking La Crosse and 70 degree weather. Yeah really, all right everyone, put on your fucking shoe claws. I don't like taking max to fucking lacrosse and 70 degree Really all right everyone put on your fucking shoe claws. We have to go to practice Why you can't convince your ex-wife to move out of Alaska well the great will the great moon spirit not allow it I Spend pretty much all day every day. Just trying to find the bright side Can't cuz it's dark much all day every day just trying to find the bright side. That's how I'm.

You can't because it's dark out all day. And how old are the kids? That's how negative I am about this. But yeah, my son's 15, he'll be 16 soon, and then 12 and nine. Do they wanna leave, does your son be like, dad, when I'm out, I'm coming with you? When I take him on a trip or something,

I took him to Miami once and he was like, for months he was like, I'm moving to Miami. But it's- That is such a- That's a real culture shock in general. I mean, the regular bars just have girls wearing bikinis as the- Yeah.

Oh my God. He couldn't believe it, he was like a basketball arena, a fuckable girl. He was blown away. The gift of daylight? Yeah. A chick with all her teeth. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, but they, unfortunately they have all their- Fucking eggs. like a chick with all her teeth. Yeah, but but they unfortunately they have all their fucking eggs. No wailing wolves in the distance. Yeah, this pavement goes all the way there. But I think because all their friends there and stuff, they I sense that they do want to stay in my in-laws. The girl that I married, her dad owned the comedy club. And so they own all these business.

So like life would be easy for them if they stay in Alaska and part of me is like I don't know the world's tough dude like maybe that would be fun to beat my son was talking about being like a barber I go I don't know maybe that is what you should do sure I don't know yeah like maybe you just have a slow life and be around the people you love I don't know if you have to oh I don't know if that's it but I mean just simply to like I mean Alaska is a it's a tough all it's a very solitude life I've well you if you have to. Oh, I don't know if that's it, but I mean, just simply to like, I mean, Alaska is a, it's a tough, oh, it's a very solitude life. I've, well, I used to do it in a metropolitan area though,

so I guess pride doesn't feel that way. It's like 50,000, like we don't have a target. We got a super Walmart, and people went fucking bananas. Like they waited outside before it opened, they lined up. Like it wasn't gonna be open also Tuesday. They never have summer clothes. It's always just winter clothes The biggest racks of jackets. It's just jacket summer clothes are always on clearance

I mean what's the summertime there is a normally doesn't get like 100 degrees though really it like very rarely But it's 70 80 and it's bright all night that it's a very short summer But it's amazing like I try to's bright all night. It's a very short summer, but it's amazing. I try to spend as many days as I can there. It's like three weeks. And then it stays, where you're at, it stays daylight for multiple days in a row, right? Yeah, probably like two and a half months.

Jesus. Just daylight. Yeah, and they do dumb races at midnight and all the kids stay up really late and stuff. Races, like what? Maybe like a 5K, like a midnight sun run. They do all this baseball games at midnight and all that stuff.

That's wild. I get it, I mean that's probably important to have blackout shades or else you'll become fucked up. And I'm judging all of that from that one movie with Al Pacino. Insomnia. Insomnia. That's very close to a documentary.

You do have to, you do need, a special company comes over and they blackout your shades and your kids won't go to sleep. Like I mean, it's not gonna happen. How is crime up there? There's a lot of it. Is there really? There's a lot of it. I think it was- Small time crime or like?

Are they just stealing food? A lot of violence. I don't know, I already brought up murder once on the show and it didn't go well. No, bring it up. There's a lot of, it's one of the most dangerous places. The other day, my brother killed my sister. Why?

It's a lot of, it's one of the most dangerous places. Because the other day, my brother killed my sister. Why? It's one of the most dangerous places. Stop it. I think it usually makes the top 10 list. Yeah, but dangerous how? I think people kill people, but I think the ratio's off. I don't know how it works, but I think because we don't have that, we only have 50,000 people. Per capita. Yeah, so it's like a high percentage.

If there's 100, that's a lot. Because it's like the old west. Like everybody has a gun and Shit goes wrong and they all get fucked up up there to stay warm. And yeah, are there what's the prize drugs or gangs? There's a lot of math Eskimo games. Oh, I bet I bet there's like weird fucking there's math And there's a lot of drugs and there's a lot of um, sir Like the tons of homeless people which I don't need I would be homeless I wish I knew where they went you can't is like they go under the water like the fish I don't need I wish I knew where they went. You can't. Is it like they go under the water like the fish? I don't know. Oh my

god they must just be lined up like fucking Jack Nicholson at the end of Shining just all sitting there waiting for a bus. Yeah their homeless die every year and they replenish them. What a nice turnover. Hey we're almost at a homeless season, storm's coming. There's some weird law where if you drive by a homeless person that's passed out on the side of the road you have to stop Because it's considered like an accessory to murder. You have to pee on them. You have to you have to warm them up with yeah Yeah, I mean it would work piss would help for a little bit. This would warm your hands up for a little Yeah, just piss icicles off someone's face. You can't get mad at somebody for doing that. It's the intentions are positive

What are you supposed to do? Okay, there's a homeless person and it's 20 below. Jacob, your question sounds combative. All right tough guy. What do you do when... What are you supposed to do, bitch? What I do is... If there's a homeless person on the subway I leave the car. I look around, I make sure there's not a cop, I go along with my day. Yeah, he didn't even look at the eclipse. He's going to help a homeless person. He goes, but when you show him a homeless person through the phone, though, he was invested then. He goes, wait a second. Now, this guy's on my phone.

So you don't you don't care about the homeless people. You drive by him. If nobody's around, you just drive by. This guy freezing to death on the side of the road. I'm driving by. I've never seen one, to be fair. I've never seen like I passed out. I used to want to Narcan somebody back to life, but now that I've seen it twice. I gotta say They're not very appreciative when they come back to life Both times I saw the cops Narcan a person back to life that person gets up and they're like the fuck off me man

I'm doing my thing. You just ruined the best high of my life They're so pissed. It's so weird You think both times they'd be like I did I owed you like oh my god This is the beginning of my new life, and I can't believe I survived. They're like dude I was just about to find the meaning of life. Yeah, he's like I kissed my girlfriend. I said goodbye I have no one I was getting ready to kick out nice and peaceful is that what dying is that was great He was not happy at all I know we have to take a break. I know that's a good sly way to put it in there

Jamie Liso is gonna be at the Columbus funny bone April 11th Hilarities in Cleveland April 12th and the Pittsburgh in front of Pittsburgh improv April 13th the improv April 13th for tickets and all tour dates visit Jamie Liso LISOW.com and check him out. Absolutely fucking hilarious. And we go ways back, I was telling Adam, our manager, that what you call that, we used to play basketball in the old Astoria days.

Astoria basketball. Yeah, Astoria basketball. Yeah. Oh, so many stories. Fucking Tim Young broke his toe. Tim Young, Jesus Christ. Yeah, I think we saw Gary Gorman get angry once. Once. A lot of things happened. Yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I think we saw Gary Gorman get angry once. Once?

A lot of things happened. Jesus Christ. There were so many comedians that played basketball. There was like a bench. Yeah. Remember? I would say 15 or 16. People were waiting to play and we played full court

when we would have a number thing. Who do you think Ted Alexandra could, he could play. Ted Alexandra could play, Yannis could play a little bit. I'm trying not to look at that mole on his head. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Do you remember, there's no way you remember this, but you and I were playing once, and it was like in between two games,

and a guy came up, it was you and me, and like, I don't know who else. And this guy came up, and he was just, we didn't know him, and he had a Discman. And it was like definitely past the era of the Discman, right, and he had this, I wish I could remember exactly what you said, but he goes like, dude, you guys gotta get out of here, there's a tornado coming, right? And he had this, I wish I could remember exactly what you said, but he goes like, dude, you guys gotta get out of here,

there's a tornado coming. And then he walks away, and like me and Big Jay, and you go, I don't believe him because he's got a Discman. Like you judged the credibility of his information on the fact that he had that, and we just stayed plain, and there was like a tornado an hour later. Yeah, there was a tornado.

Yeah, there really was. He was so right. It was very dangerous what we did. Jamie, thank you so much for hanging out with us, man. There was a tornado. He was so right. It was very dangerous what we did. Jamie, thank you so much for hanging out with us, man. Thanks for having me. Big Jay's gonna be at the Funny Bone, is it this weekend? When is that?

This weekend, Virginia Beach, very great club. Friday and Saturday. San Diego, Raleigh, San Jose, for tickets and all other info, go to bigjaycomedy.com. Well, get tickets for my May 10th at the comedy store. And I'm gonna be in San Antonio this weekend. Get your tickets at Punch Up.

No, let me, let me. All right, go ahead, do it. Go, go, go. Robert Kelly is gonna be at LOL Comedy Club in San Antonio this weekend, April 11th through the 13th. After that, he's got Lafayette, Boston, he's coming home, Sarasota, Florida. For tickets and all tour dates visit Robert Kelly live Dot-com much better than I was gonna do. It's the bonfire