The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Garbage Plates & Heartbreaks

Episode Date: October 21, 2025

Bobby is coming off a weekend of gigs in Rochester New York- home of the garbage plate! He loved the people but he could not buy socks or get a decent meal. | Indian action movies are predictably over the top. | In honor of his eighteen year anniversary, Bob tells a story about the time he cheated on his wife in the early days. His sad tale starts with fun sex with a Long Island dancer and ends with Bobby and Dawn crying on the floor. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And now, the Bonfire with Big J. O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. I don't like this song in either version. You don't like the real version? Play it, Lou. Eminem's the greatest rapper of all time. Now, this song stunk like this, too. You don't like this song? Can we play real music for an intro since Bobby's ready for the robots to take over? People should know that the first one, the first one was AI.

That was AI. That's AI. That's not a real human being. They're taking rap songs. They took Tupac. They took 50 cent. They took Eminem and they're doing, you know, back in the day songs. What's that? Turning into Motown.

Yeah, Motown, which I like, I like that song better as Motown than I do the regular song. It just feels wrong. Does not feel wrong. Do the intro again, Lou? And now, the Bonfire with Big J. Olkerson and Robert Kelly. and then go in the thump in the room you're a child you're a child

you don't like men music what do you mean you like little teenage music you like little rage music you like angry white guy music some yeah yeah my life flux and fucking my heart weekend was tough

even though I got so much money your life is fine Jay you want to listen to your life is fine you listen to Motown versions of Slim shady? We both have girls that we don't have to have sex with that do everything that girls have sex with their men do.

Oh. Yeah. How great is that? We don't have the negative. What are you doing now? We don't have none of that. Why don't you come in the bedroom? I got something I bought for you.

Oh, nighty. That's sexy. It is nice living without that pressure. It was our anniversary this weekend and nothing happened. Nice. So fantastic. I like it. No, I took her out to Mexican last night and then we went back.

sure you wouldn't fuck honey you should have some more elote elote what's elote is that you say it i don't know street corn is that what it's called elote i think so you know most spanish and i've been doing duelingal for 257 days i have a daughter who speaks fluent Spanish who's half-Hispanic and that's because you had sex with one

i know or near one even yeah it's true all you got to do is be near one oh i love elote elote is my favorite it's mayonnaise with uh yeah mayonnaise corn Manez corn, which you don't think would be good, but those Spaniados. Manny's corn is weirdly good. Weirdly good. Manny's corn and...

Manease butter corn. It has butter, mayonnaise, and cheese, and a little spice on it. Yeah. It is really good. Paprike. This is one of my favorites. Ileote. I think we're saying it right.

Who cares? How was your weekend, buddy? Dude, I was in Rochester. I know. And it was great. Did you get emotional when you saw the old farmer you got raped? I didn't get rape there. Actually, when I showed up there, my first day, I told you, I had a big lesbian woman in overalls for my boss.

Nice. Really, really nice woman, but very tough. And then she goes, go to the barn. You've got to clean all the stalls. And I was in Jordash jeans, a black wife beater, and mirror shades. Nice. Those jeans were hugging him. I bet your curves.

It was so, so, I look so good. Those Jordash is really, I bet we're fucking coming up underneath that fucking cake. They made you. package nice yeah but they really weren't for uh cleaning stalls oh and i remember i walked up there was a mentally retarded guy working there nice he was walking up to me and he had a cat lying in his arms and the cat was like almost like folded over like like sleeping in his arms and then as i got closer i realized that he had his finger on the cat's vagina oh and i went you're not supposed to do that dude and he goes i'm sorry i know i'm sorry and the cat was like

like yeah man mind your business yeah the cat was like oh hello car is who's the new cock block yeah yeah he was like mind your business who is the new cock block how is rochester um that club is great i love the guy mark yeah mark he says yababababoo a lot which uh genuinely yeah he goes yabababoo yeah he uses that's his thing you know i tell you it's crazy that's is that new no it's all that's his thing for years when i first met him he'd be like dude tonight packed room yabababab do we got it going on i'm not familiar with you maybe you got to be inner circle for that he picked me up at the thing he's like yo bobby good to have you back we're gonna kill it this weekend yababababoo let's do it i don't like it you don't like jabadoo do either i hate it but i like him

so much that i'm like yeah he's great yeah he's great the other owner is great too oh i found out something who what the other owner uh it was this indian guy and his beautiful wife not indian yeah yeah it's well it's pretty crazy up there well here's the thing with that town which i didn't know until this weekend lawless indians marrying non-indians no it's uh it's nice it's a beautiful town for three blocks yeah and then it gets ruthless i went to walmart i forgot my socks it's a dump their food that are known for is called a garbage plate that's true and ask me what it is jacob what is all of it just a bunch of shit yeah what do you mean just name name shitty foods you could have i don't fries yep

onion rings sure yep yep think bigger even did you know you're gonna be in a radio show today yeah but see i don't really think about that oh that's true ask me you just fill the spaces with words ask me go ahead cheese um koso yep that's cheese uh chili yep uh chili yep um um More cheese. Oh, God. A burger? Burger? Yep.

How about a chicken? Some, yeah. How about chicken fingers? Yes. How about fried chicken? Mozilla sticks? Yes. Yes.

It's all of it. They put it on the plate. Burger? Yeah. I'm getting the hang of it now. Onions. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's disgusting.

Big hash browns also? Yeah. Egg? It's fucking gross. It's disgusting. I have a carb limit. Yeah. I went to Walmart to get stocks because Don forgot to pack my socks.

Yes, it's her responsibility. because if you say you're going to do it and you don't do it, then it's still your responsibility. Even though I'm 55 and I should be packing my own stuff. Well, you should just shouldn't let her dress you. She's dressing you for failure out there.

What do you mean? I mean, she's dressing you for success in comedy. They're going to go, look how silly Bobby looks and he's doing comedy because he's silly. Why do I look silly? Because she's dressing you. She's not dressing me. You just said she was.

No, she packs for me. Right. Right. I mean she's picking the outfits. No, I pick the outfits. Oh, okay. She packs. Gotcha.

She folds because I don't know how to fold tight. Gotcha. I use packing cubes. Weird. My new Louis Vuitton bag. Got on the slut long time ago, a couple months ago. Anyways, don't look at me that way. You're a bag slut, too.

I hate your, oh, you like Billy Burr. You put it out, or do you say, I'll take this, this, this, and this, get it done? I'm going to say this. I don't do that, but I'm going to start doing that. I'm going to start standing in front of my walk-in room that I have, the walk-in closet room. I love it. I'm going to go that, that, and then I'm going to go, hmm. No, I don't know.

You have a personal shopper, I like it. Give me that and that, and then I'll make my decision later on that. And then, what? What? What? What's wrong with you? Put together your outfits. I like it. We've been together for 18 years. I deserve this. I want you to do that box. No, here's...

I want to get you, like, the computer system and clueless and match all your outfits. Well, I only wear true classic shirts. I wear true classic jeans, true classic underwear. If they made the socks, I'd wear them. It's not that hard to pack for me. A pair of jeans, pair of workout clothes, sweatpants, two or three, true classic, black or V. Kruenek or V.

And then a couple hoodies and a jacket. Or even a shirt jacket. A shirt jacket. Okay. It's a shirt, but it's also a jacket. Which I love. I love a shushaqat. And you point, she packs.

I don't do that, but I should have did that. Because when I got there, I didn't have socks. Yeah, yeah. Which was uncomfortable. So I went to Walmart to buy socks. Sure. Walmart, best place to buy socks. Not in Rochester.

Buddy, locked up. The socks are fucking locked. They have sock jail in fucking Rochester. Sure. And you notice, they don't have it, Rochester? Number one thing, bums will steal. It's fucking crazy. You know what they don't have in Rochester at Walmart?

A person with a key. To the socks. It says push button. All the buttons are fucking broken. The batteries, they didn't just, whatever they do. So you have to find somebody with a key. I walked up, no joke, to 15 people with vests. Yeah.

Walmart vests. And I said, you got a key? And they went, nah. And I was like, do you have a key? Nope. I was like, what about you? Nope. I literally, there was five of them behind the electronic couch.

I go, hey, I've asked all five. I go, hey, I need a key. I want to get socks. What do you want me to do? They went, I don't know. I go, should I not get the socks? They're like, I wouldn't. Rochester, I want you to hear this and you hear this good.

God has forgotten about you. You should migrate somewhere else and just abandon the place. God has forgotten you. He stopped caring. You can't figure it out. Your self-esteem is so low, your big food is called a garbage plate. You can't get, you have socks in jail. Your socks are in prison.

You have sock jail. Bobby got raped by a fucking lesbian in overalls when he was a boy. It's a bad place. Even the best guy says yab-dab-dab-doo throughout conversations. Yab-dab-dab-doo. And he's the best guy there. Oh, my Christ, oh, there's a garbage plate right there. Oh, did you say beans at any point?

Oh, no, we didn't say beans. Potato. Matt. Oh, this one's got a full fucking baked potato. They got a macaroni and salad. You don't put cold with hot. Macaroni salad, beans, potatoes, sausages. It's disgusting.

And then ground beef on top of the sauces with onions. I do like that. What? On the potatoes. Ground beef with onions on top of a baked potato? That sounds like it. It's not a baked potato. I was wrong. It's sausages.

Oh, sausages. Oh, my God, it is a sausage. Wow, that's disgusting. Yep, it's definitely garbage. I'll tell you what they do have up there, though, which I like. They have hot chicks with no hope. Oh, yeah, for sure. Hopeless hot chicks.

Yeah. They're just waiting. They just can't wait. They just need to afford a bus ticket up to Syracuse and then find out that sucks shit, too. You're going the wrong direction, idiot. Yeah, you've got to go down. bitch they got hot chicks up there and just like I think I heard one of them in the

line wash we were taking a photo she went take me with you what take me with you I can't eat any more garbage plates it's killing me inside I'm too hot to be up here he's a fool come in 11 take me some of the pictures of the hot the garbage plates Christine put up they make it their own so they have cheese look what do they call that processed cheese whiz on top just to make it their own yeah that's a little that's Our restaurants twist on. Oh, you can add each. That's why I said before.

I've seen him where there's a burger on it. A burger. Now, a bund-dressed burger. Now, listen. The Hawaiians have figured it out. A moco-loco, or a loco-moco, I believe. The wines have figured nothing out. Well, they have.

They've figured out canoeing and flatbacks on women. Barely. But I love a Hawaiian. Hawaiian loco-moco, I believe, is called. It's my favorite fast food of all. It's a hamburger with gravy over rice with a, with a fried egg on top, fried egg on top, with macaroni salad. Now that's not bad.

You said the wines have figured it out. Yeah, as far as cleaning up the garbage plate, I believe that. Oh, look at that, dude. That looks good. Come on, Jay. I don't know. I don't want to eat anything where it's like, it sounds like a challenge. I mean, I don't know how much dual lingo you're doing, but that means crazy in there somewhere.

Loco. Loco. Loco. dude look at that you do you like rice sure do you like hamburgers yeah do you like gravy do you like egg no what i don't like a runny egg on not breakfast food you don't like a fried egg no you like well how do you like your egg for breakfast no first of all this is there you can have this for breakfast oh that's why they're big people dude there are big people fucking walk a lock a hockey walk a walk a huggy walk a hug you

Dude, I love it. I love that. For breakfast? Oh, my God. Your rice breakfast? Buddy, I think it's from my... What are you getting Japanese with Jacob over there? But where do you get it?

You get it in Hawaii? You get Hawaiian restaurant has it. Anytime I go somewhere, I always type in... Where else you can get breakfast rice? Hawaii. Where do you get? I've never seen a Hawaiian restaurant. Dude, just type it in Yelp.

Hawaiian barbecue and it comes up. I'll tell you what I won't do anymore. I made a mistake one time. What? I think it may have been when Josh poured Mollay all over my bed, but it was a... Two Hawaiian brothers It's like a very Every city now has

It's a good late night Or not a good It's a late night option With Wendy's Taco Bell McDonald's and everything It's called like two Hawaiian bros And man It sounds good It fucking just seems awful

Sounds great It's Hawaiian No no I ordered it once It was not good You sure? Yeah And I'm not going back To see what else they have to offer

Why was there moly on your bed What were you two doing? Hmm Were you mollaying? We were mollia. It wasn't this, because that wouldn't, just wouldn't have Mola. That was a Mexican place we went to. That is Moli is Mexican.

And I go, do me a favor, just eat over the towel on the bed. And then he took, pulled the. A Josh? He took the plate to his face and just poured it all over the bed. Pored Mollay all over the bed. And what did you do? You didn't dump them after that. No.

You've taken this guy back a lot. Yeah, yeah. Here you go. That looks good. That looks so good. Is there a Moko, a Loco, a Loco? No, no Moco local local there. You sure?

I've never seen it. I love it. I love it. I love all that. Pork, rice. Oh, that's gross. A macaroni salad with pork and rice is disgusting. It's the same thing.

It's just wrapped. Yeah, I know. But I don't like it. I like it separate. I like my cold macaroni salad. Ooh, spam musubi. There's savages, these people. Yeah, they were.

Hawaiians are goddamn savages. I don't know why spam is making such a comeback. It's not. It's always been a Hawaiian thing. Yeah, it's Hawaiian thing. I'm seeing people. I'm seeing pictures of it pop up all over in the city. Because it's chic.

Yeah, it's chic probably. Cooking with spam. Oh, yeah. Well, you also live in a garbage neighborhood. Yeah, you live in a neighborhood. There's a bunch of different fucking cultures smashed to a bunch of pieces of shit and rats. Yeah. And there, you rule as the rat king.

Everything you get in your neighborhood comes with rice. Most of the food you have to eat with your right hand. No utensils. That's the grossest to me. Whatever that food is, I follow some people. on Instagram. Ethiopian shit. Yeah, they just take a whole thing of something

and flop it on the table and there's like a fried, there's like a boiled egg and all kinds and it's hot and it's gooey and they just jam their fists into it. Like four of them just start grabbing fistfuls of food and go, you're supposed to grab it with bread kind of thing, right?

Yeah, I do like Ethiopian. They do it with, they do it with their fists. Do you like Ethiopian food? Yeah. What's your favorite? That's one of my favorite old Kermetsker jokes. He goes, I went to an Ethiopian restaurant, which like, I didn't know what the hell that was.

He was like, I thought that was their whole problem is they don't have food. And he goes, and he goes, everyone gets a wooden bowl in front of them and then you wait for your food to be donated from a more prosperous restaurant. I only went to one and it closed. Yeah.

Maybe it's, that's why they just throw it on the table and eat with their fists. That's the food that he gave them. I'll have a fly on the eye soup and chapped lips. I'll have some chaps. Lipsticks. You know, Ethiopian food, I guess that's what it is.

It's gross. I could never eat. Yeah, that is gross. I would never want to, imagine going out to eat with a girl. No. And you're both jamming your fists into a mooey thing of rice. I wouldn't take a girl to exotic food first date especially. That'd be hilarious.

I should take Don on a birthday. I'd go fist fuck a plate with Christine. But that's fucking 14 years now. Yeah, but grabbing food with your fist is gross Isn't it? There was a girl I went to beauty school with that used to eat her lunch out of her container with her hands What a scum fuck

Did you report her to take her to HR and get her fired? I think she's an older Indian woman Everybody's hair smelled like paprika Why didn't you fucking Why didn't you have her fired for being different? Fired from beauty school? Yeah, why wouldn't she fired from beauty school for being different?

Every time you get me, fucking facial done, you're smelling frankincense and my Christ. I do kind of remember that. Let me tell you something. The worst thing to do, when I used to get my eyebrows threaded, which is Indian people, you catch them after, you've got to go before lunch.

You catch them after lunch, because the whole thing is they put it in their mouth and they do a thing where it's like their mouth. So it's like, they're right here with their mouth. Oh, man. I see what they're doing. They're making sure, like they're clumping it. There's Paco. Get it into as tight a clump of food. Yeah, they eat possible.

That's the same way You actually hit a chick's G-spot You eat with a come-hither motion Oh, it's gross You make your hand into a little scooper But the food's hot That's what's weird It comes out so piping hot

And they jam their fingers in it And then you hear them go like this Because it's too hot to eat Yeah like here's the thing too, right? He's like he's figured out backwards hat So he forks available Right? The guy has a backwards hat on the video

He's figured out jewelry. Why would you teach that to her kid? Just give him a spoon. Yeah. Hey kid, you want to learn how to eat like a fucking bum? Yeah, and hey, shit sitting down too. Stop squatting in the front lawn.

Yeah. Hey, you want to eat like you live in the fucking jungle? What is that from? Why do they eat like that? Laciness? Is that because... Nobody wants to do dishes? But is it because of...

Is there a thing, or is it just they... They just eat the way they ate before they got spoon? They just eat the same way. Or is it a thing? Like, it's better to eat with your fist? It's not better. Let's see what Google says. I thought Christina was going to answer me like she knew.

It's cultural. No, I was like, I'm typing. I'm typing. Sensory and traditional beliefs, which are deeply rooted in practices like Ayurveda. Eating with hands is thought to create a deeper connection to the food buying. That's what I mean. Who needs that?

I already have a weird relationship with my food. I don't want to fuck it, too. I just want to eat it. I wish I I would love to fuck it You know it's the best eating a bar Of Philadelphia cream cheese We're just picking it up And let it fucking squish through my knuckles

And then licking my fists I become I'm becoming one with it The tactile And then I get up to my fingers And I fucking and then I eat out my fucking finger webbing And then I'm one with it Like the Mighty Indian I remember reading

I was going down the world with some Disney movie and it was a kid star that you would have recognized and he made it to about 21 and then died of hepatitis A that he got in India Oh nice

From eating Yeah No shit who I can't remember But it was like this kid star That everyone would have known It had a horrible ending From fucking dukey food

Yeah Duky food is sucky I got I got Duky food in Guatemala when I went. Yeah. But last night, I got violently sick. What kind of dokey food did you get?

I don't know what it was. It's called dukey surprise. You just thought it was a different language. No, it was quite literal. Duky. It's a kid from Mary Poppins. Yeah. Michael, from Mary Poppins died of...

Duky food? The only thing I feel about that was... The only thing I feel about that was when you said, it's a child star, you'd recognize him. I don't. Mary Poppins? Yeah, but it's... I mean, I haven't seen Mary Popponins's.

I was four, 44 years ago. Even when you saw it, it wasn't the original. It wasn't like in movies. It was a, it was like the Brady Bunch. There's only one Mary Poppins movie.

No, this too. What? I made one myself. On AI. Stars me, Lewis, and Bobby. I got mad. I was like they re-made Mary Poppins.

I mean, they're going to. Of course they will. It should be Indian. She won't have an umbrella. She'll have a fucking plate of food that spins overhead. Oh, I bet it's done in Indian. Indian have remade things for sure.

The best one with superhero movies. They made Superman. Superman and Superman. It's so hilarious. The superhero movies that Indian people make. I actually like Indian movies. Like the action movies they make, like RRR, R.R. was a pretty...

What is that? It's an action movie, Indian action movie. RRR.R. R.R. What is it? I don't like the way your mouth has to move to say it. RRR. Yeah, you have to lean into it.

R-R-R. Like it? Superman. But it's super, the chest, this S on the front of his chest goes over his whole torso in the front. Look it. Super, super, super, super. Super, super, super.

The outfit doesn't fit him, though. You can see up his shorts. He has a belly. It's a little bit of a belly. Yeah, there's no shredded Indians. And they always have to go into a dance. It's Bollywood, dude. Yeah.

And Spider Girl, too, does not wear a mask. But look how big the chest. This S on his chest is. Bobby, there's licensing issues. Yeah, this is RRR. They make good action movies if you can sit through the subtitles. And the dancing. I can't. I won't.

You don't like the dancing? No. They do not that much dancing in this. I'm going down the list today. I've already denounced Hawaiians. Indians, you're next. Watch the action in these movies is nuts. We're going to describe it.

Yeah, it's, this is RRR. India's biggest action drama Yeah Oh they take the girl You buy something or you get out of store He's fighting a tiger There's always a tiger Of course there is

And this is cool Because they all are going in trying to attack the military camp and one they send one guy out to fight them all no shit yeah watch they send one guy with a really

who is running the 7-11 a really big he's shredded though he's pretty shredded for a guy who runs a 7-Eleven sure I don't know if I believe it RRRR RR

R R R R R finally It's finally an Indian movie I can sink my teeth into I did see a good one It's called kill. It's all set on the train. And this guy just has to kill everyone on the train

because it is taken over by terrorists. You need a girlfriend. You guys start getting road pussy. That's what I'm hearing right now. Yes and yes. Thank you, Jay. We've been waiting for you to say it. Guys, I don't like what I'm hearing out of the both of you,

major life changes coming today. Yeah, you ruined a marriage, but you made a friendship better. Yeah. I'll be sleeping in your backyard under your Pala. It's okay. Not today. Today it's soaked because there's a nor-easter here, apparently. Yeah. I wish I, if there was any place, I think, Buffalo and Rochester have the hottest chicks with no hope. Oh, oh. You know what I mean? Which I love. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they're cool. It brings you down. You know, when you go down to, like, you go to L.A. or you go to these, you know, Austin. Dreams.

They're just like, you know, they're looking, they have, it was it called self-esteem? Yeah, and I'm, for sure. And I'm too old to take the time to crush a girl's dreams again. Yeah, or to pick them up and then throw them off a building. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dump a chick's dream. But in Buffalo, they just down her. Christine was my last attempt being able to crush someone's dreams.

I'm too old to start that over. You succeeded. Yeah, yeah. And you deserve a metal. No, absolutely, absolutely. She moved here to be an actress. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh out loud I'm a stage actress

I've met a lot of hot chicks in Buffalo Buffalo is a good one I think Buffalo's a little better than Rochester A lot of girls bigger city Yeah a lot of girls were like wow man I'd fucking marry you If I could see what you look like out of thermal underwear And fucking full body snow suit It's winter there's eight months a year

I would marry you I would marry you and then you you'd come to New York with me, and then you'd fuck Godfrey and leave me. Oh, that old classic story. So your weekend was good? Weekend was great. Got home yesterday, you know, it was all good. Celebrated our anniversary, 18 years yesterday.

Yeah, it was a long time, dude. 18 years married. We've been known each of a 30, but we've been married for 18. Wow. It is a long time. It's a long time to know a chick. I wouldn't have guessed it was that long. I'd been married for 18 years.

Yeah, why do you say it like that? Because it's gross. I thought you got married more recently than that. Like, I thought, I guess you had just gotten married when I met you. I started loving her recently. Like, we're married. Right. We got married, yeah, 18 years ago.

It's crazy. We were together for a long time. We moved to the city. Well, I moved to New York, then she moved to L.A. I wound up staying with her in L.A. in the 90s. And then we moved back to. in New York in 2001. The roar in 2000s.

Yeah. Right after September 11th, we came back. Disgusting. You knew you were going to get a good deal because there was just terrorism. Oh, you opportunistic son of a bitch. He moved here at the same time.

I had to. His exact move and date. Well, I told, I gave it, this is the funny part. I gave Don the option in L.A. because that's when Patrice, he's the one who told me. I was in L.A. for two years. And he stayed with me, and he,

Literally, he was like, Bobby, you've got to leave. You got to get out of L.A. I was like, why? I was cooking him chicken. I was barbecue chicken. And he goes, you need to get the fuck back to New York right now. I was like, why? He goes, this is the best barbecue chicken I've ever had in my fucking life.

You're a cook. You have too much time. He goes, I haven't seen you in the clubs at all since I've been here, but this is the best chicken I've ever had in my life. And I literally moved under two months. I was like, he's right. I was cooking, dude. I was watching Food Network.

and waking up in the middle of the night and making pies. Yeah. Middle the night pies? Middle the night pies, dude. For who? For me? Was that the first fat?

No, that was the fourth fat. That was the fourth or fifth fat. When you were making midnight pie? Midnight pies felt out. Bobby's Midnight pies? She should start a little window. It was so bad. That's when the Food Network was starting to, you know, be a thing.

I was watching Emerald and I think Rachel Wray and all these other things. and I was just cooking. Hot Rachel way back then. Oh, I would go to the grocery store and get all the fixings and then come back and experiment. And Dawn fucking hated it because I was a slob. Oh, so you'd make it, but everything was everywhere. Everything was everywhere, but I would...

You were just about finished product. Yeah, finished product, which wasn't that good, too, you know, except for my chicken. 5-5-4-4-33-2-2-1. On each side. Perfect chicken. Yeah. Perfect chicken, perfect steak.

And yeah, I moved back. And I gave her the option. I go, hey, I'm moving back to New York. I'm out. This fucking town is not for me. I'm going back to... I hate you, clean this up. Bye.

I was like, listen, you can come with me if you want or you can go back to Boston. And I'll let you know when I find a place. And maybe, you know. So the plan was she was going to go back to Boston and live with her parents. And then maybe come live with me after I got a spot because it was going to be too hard.

But she was like, I'll just go at you. And I was like, all right. Fuck. I don't know if I was like fuck, but I was... So you have a few more months to dunk your doodle and some fucking New York Strange? Oh, I dunked my doodle for the next couple years. And it's some New York Strange?

Oh, it was a fucking piece of shit. Yeah. That's when I was a piece of shit. But you looked great. I looked fantastic. God damn it, when I back... We came back from L.A. But boy, did you look great.

God damn it, did I have a good time. And then she caught me. Oh. That was the worst. What a snoop. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, it really is. What a snoop?

No, it was other girls. Huh? It was other girls or, other girls were the ones that fucking ratted me out. Oh. It was Heather from the cellar. Remember David Letterman teeth, Heather? Yes. She had the big space between her teeth.

She was hot until she smiled. Absolutely. And then you heard, ladies and gentlemen. You could fit a stack of note cards in there. And then. And I left my cell phone at the cellar. Flip phone. You know I'm always ahead of the curve.

Motorola. Flip phone with video and photo. Oh, my Lord. First one with video and photo. And you left it. And I left my phone. You fool. At the cellar to drive these dancers, these Vegas dancers back to Long Island.

Not knowing Long Island, I forgot about the word long. I swear to God, I thought Long Island was like 20 minutes away. I was like, I'll give you a ride. And I rode them all back to Long Island. and one of them lived on the tip so it took me it took me it was so late dude and the one the one I wanted to go with I should have dropped her off first but I had to I had to drop her friend you know what I mean it was just the time it didn't work so I wound up dropping her off last but it was so far away and and and I had to go down and then back up and then back down it was a nightmare

and I remember I go at one point I went fuck and she was like what I go I forgot my phone at the cellar and I go give me your phone and that's before it you had a call like yeah

you call like zero yeah can I have the number for the comedy seller and they would give you the number and I was the number and I called and it was Heather who was the manager she goes oh

oh what's up oh your girlfriend has it I go what what she goes oh yeah somebody was calling, it kept ringing, so I answered it. I go, you answered my phone. She goes, yeah.

And it was, I guess it was Don, and she was like, who's this? She thought I was, she thought I was you were with me. And I was like, oh, it's the manager to sell it. And she goes, where's Bobby? He goes, oh, he left a while ago. Ugh. And Don went, hold that phone. I'll be right there.

And this bitch did. This isn't passport protected phones. This is just open your phone. There's your whole phone. There is no piece of shit button on that phone. And then, this is the worst part, her friend who lived upstairs, when she got the phone, she went upstairs to her, all fucked up. And then she was like, where's this computer?

Oh, geez. Yeah, and they found taxes, taxes, 1996 folder. Taxes 19996 folder. Oh, it wasn't taxes? Yeah, I should have known I should have called it video game Files, something I do I don't have...

Was that before people knew Like, I don't really... It's like having Wall Street Journal file What are you? That's it. I can't think if I've ever had much like... Math practice file. On your computer?

Yeah, dude, I had... I don't think I've ever had like scary stuff hiding on my computer. Well, I went to Brazil twice. There was a lot of stuff on there. Was that like people email? mailing you pictures and you saved them like it was before texting pictures yeah it was a lot of things yeah i mean i was in a couple it was a lot of things you could see saved did you like

download like aOL chats no no no no it was no it was just photos and videos and i remember it was so i remember on the i had an opportunity to just go look i got to go but i didn't dude because i wanted to get that vj and let me tell you something it was why it was Holy shit This girl gave great head In hindsight And I remember I went home And I was in

We always We were in a doorman building So we always left our door unlocked And I would just come in And I remember I got to the door And it was locked And I was like fuck And then I heard

It was five in the morning And it was locked And I'm like fuck And then I heard ding Our floor elevator That ding And I just saw her with my computer my other computer and my phone and her tears and she went you fucking then she said something

that really changed my life she goes you are too into technology she goes you did your own taxes i got to be a fucking hacker to find you doing anything she did uh she goes you're a fucking this really affected me she goes you're a fucking serial killer it's like Like you're a serial killer because I had all these trophies. That's extreme. Now I had a lot of trophies. It's delicious. I really did.

Wait, wait, wait. Trophies? Yeah, I had hair. No. I had a keychain made a pews. You're talking about pictures. Yeah, trophies. Trophies.

That's not a... Are you, is it like, all the same, like, you make, is a girl always like nervous and like harsh white lighting in a picture she didn't want to take? I made them all dressed in blackface. And then kabuki makeup. Like, you're just talking about a girl, you're talking about a girl,

girl letting you take a picture of her pussy or so they were all in kabuki makeup of black face either or yeah and lined up and scared yeah yeah oh yeah they're all in the same position harsh lighting yeah like they're all like this like bobby don't call me that now now they all had don't's clothes on i would travel with don's dresses and shirts then you beat them in them you give them you give them you give them they were all in don's wedding out no um no well it was um it was see i like in arguments overreactions like that though You're like a serial killer. It makes me immediately go from like, oh, no, no, to go like, relax.

Like, serial killer? It broke my heart. My heart crushed. I fucking, it fucked me up so bad because it was. I'm an addict. You had to go out and kill. I had to go. I had to go.

No, I had to go. No. I, I. He goes, left that night to go walk around and think. Got some pussy wallows out. But we sat on the kitchen floor and cried until the, we sat on the kitchen floor and cried all morning. Is that true?

the sun came up yeah I was sad man I love Dawn I love her you can laugh it's all right I know it is real and it is also funny we sat on the car we sat on the we sat on the we sat on the we just sat and we're talking and sat on the kitchen floor and cried and then I remember she you have nobody I have nothing and that's why because you can't connect to humans I really do I hope you die alone with a rat in your house he will that's another laugh for another time bobby and uh that's the problem when you open up on the bonfire go on i will how are you sitting what was your floor sit i was i was uh i couldn't sit like her was she back against the wall knees bent so she can keep putting her forehead into her knees to pry she was

back between on the wall between the fridge and the stove i was on the front of the stove i would be jesus christ i would be a problem in that situation especially sitting on the floor like I'd have to move so she'd be getting annoyed we're having this deep emotional conversation and then I'd like switch and like go like on my side like this for a while yeah and then after a while I'm to sit Indian style then my legs are gonna go to sleep and I go it's not you yeah it's not yeah it's gonna punch my legs a little bit goes no no I'm actually I'm taking this very seriously but it just got it my legs dead maybe like this hey can we switch can I get in the front of Fras I'm a little peckish from all just crying and you know if I lay

on my back and put my legs up against the wall okay I'm gonna be looking at you upside down, but I swear to God, I'm taking this seriously. I swear to God. Okay, what? Hey, can you grab me the wheat thins? They're right, right above your crying head. Yeah. No, she didn't mean anything. Why do you think that? Anyways. Babe, why do you think that? Well, here, I never, she never

asked me what happened. She knew what happened, but we, she did go. You gave with him deep dickens, dude. She said, uh, splitting them bitches in half. She didn't ask. At the end, she goes, um, well, here's, here's what, here's what the deal. You need to get help. You need to fucking deal with this

and I'll help you I'll help you deal with it and I'll be here for you if you can help it or it's over we gotta walk away and I went let me get two days give me a couple days because I don't know if I might

I might just I don't know if this might just be me and I went to every single friend all Norton, Voss Dane at the time Patrice and they all said let her, Patrice, he was like, Bobby, you're a hunk of shit.

Let her go. Just let her go. That's what I would have said. She's a good person. I know, you didn't ask me. I didn't ask you at that time, because you were open mic. I'd have been, like, she said,

I'd not going to ask him open micr what he thinks about relationships. I would have been like this, I'd have been like, wait, she told you it can be over? Hey, fat guy, dressed like a black guy who does 10 minutes in front of me. What do you think I should do with my relationship? Oh, man. Fucking let a bitch be a bitch, man.

Play going to be a play. I'll tell her if I was you. I was being 1999. j oh play come on man you know what it is up uh i the only person was calling calling i asked him and he he had just gone through this by the way because he was married people know people know that mccle was married to another woman and uh and it fell apart same way and uh you got his dick sucked by a dancer from long island no no no don caught him not as good as that he was don't caught him on your computer he was wearing don's dress uh now i guess he got caught the same way by

Dawn to know by Heather Heather ratted him out too you fucking buck-tooth bitch oh what an asshole she is oh that girl really good she could be eating a sandwich through a fence she donate anyways so don't call and said he goes this what you do you try go to therapy find a therapist try to deal with this is this is your addiction shit this is instead of drinking and drugging right now you're just doing this because you need to escape you need to get away and you need if you if you care about her and I was like I do I really do I love her as a human and blah blah blah give it eight months and if you can't change in eight months you walk away because you can't but if you don't do this it's eight months it's arbitrary I don't know

two thirds of a year I said give it eight months you might have been six months to eight months he said give a little time whatever and he goes uh and in at least if you do it that way and you're still a piece of shit and you're still cheating you know it doesn't it wasn't mental workout but if you don't do this and you just leave you'll regret it for the rest of your life because he just left and that's when you and he he was like I regret it I regret it to this day I fucked up I should have tried because I'm married now well then he met Jen after that so he doesn't regret it well he doesn't now all he regretted it he doesn't now but he did regret it do you think he thinks now that being with this girl currently is the wrong move no does he look at her

every day and go I shouldn't have fucked it up with that other one no but I think that was That would be awful. He did for a minute, you know what I mean? And yeah, in hindsight, I guess you, you know, you meant to be with who he meant to be with. But I did it. I went to therapy. We talked and all that shit and we worked it out. Now, was I flawless?

It's cheaper to keeper. It's not, it's so funny because I found, I have an AA big book that I have, and I had, I got rid of everything. I literally deleted everything in front of her. What? You have a what book? I have an alcoholic anonymous big book. What's that mean?

It's a big book. It's a big book. It's the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's a book you read when you get sober. They have the 12 steps in the big book. And so anyways, I had my big book. But in my big book, I kept a couple of the photos. You know what I mean?

Just in case. Old Dexter needed to fucking look at some blood samples again. Yeah, right? What are they fucking Polaroids? Yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. This is the 2000s. This is fucked up.

So, two years later, maybe three years later, we get into a fucking big fight, huge fight at the table. Something like, I don't know, the meatloaf was off. And some stupid fight. And I flipped, I was like, what the fuck? And I flipped the meatloaf for some, I'm just being an idiot. We get into a fight. She said something.

I said, and she goes, oh, yeah. I want to flip Christine's meatloaf so bad. She goes, oh, yeah, you mother. the fucker at least i oh i was i was fucking with her about i was fucking with her about some guy that she was i was just busting her balls i was busting her balls about some dude she was talking to or something i guess she went and met somebody like an old friend for coffee and i was like you went for coffee let it happen you can't complain about any of that stuff forever i know but i did dude christine can go out and he goes hey all of my ex-boyfriends and a couple of guys i want to fuck me or go to a

concert i'd go yeah man what do i fucking like do i have to stand on i'm like i hope you have a great night call me when it's over whatever's over but we got in this big fight and she flipped out she goes oh yeah you motherfucker yeah at least i don't have and she went right to the big book she on the shelf talked away which i thought was safe and she just dumps out what's this you fucking freak and it was just all these tits and shit and your head you sir you heard like Text her. Oh, shit, dude. Oh, no.

She knows now. Now I'm going to have to fuck her. Think quick, Bob. Think quick. And I just sat there and I was like, I didn't know they were there. But I found. I didn't know they were there. So funny.

I was born in blood, dude. The book you read every day. I had no idea. I was born in blood. The book that keeps me sober. The one book in your house you read. What a piece of shit. I mean, you literally could have had them anywhere else.

I just had Christine order me. I sent her the... I sent Christine to listen this week for the Alan Iverson book. A book. I haven't opened a book since the day I've met Christine. It would make more sense if I got that to hide pictures of other women in. She's like, oh, is this another picture? I get, no, I think I want to find out about Alan Iverson's life.

No, I'm going to own the book. I want the hard copy, and then I'm going to listen to it on audiobook. Well, here's the problem. is um here's a problem is that i uh i found that book today really yeah i found the book today and in the book we're still uh three polaroids of tits really yeah nice and who's tits anyone fun i don't know yes you do buddy i swear to god i almost asked dawn a young a young ingenue yamanica i swear to god i'm fresh on the scene yamanica when you prayed on her weakness her young weakness i need to get her all right bob i really these cans i need to get her something special

don't i do yeah i got to get her you know what some polaroids and some dudes we need i need to get her like a diamond bracelet like a tennis bracelet that work bobby as you were reading she christine's already picking out jewelry on the website how much is how much is it can you get me one for like a foul is there any for a thow or 15 or two how much should i buy what do you what do you think i should get it christie There's a piece of shit for 500 bucks I want to spend like a thousand Or 2,000 How much, Christine, can you raise a fucking eyebrow

I want to hit the number that's good, please? I'm trying to think because Jay got me one But I don't know what it is Because he actually picked it out Really? How much was it, Jay? You don't want to get involved in that man Did you get it from I hate Stevensinger.com?

You did? Yes How much is it? How much is that? It was a couple years ago now. Yeah. How much? I'm not doing five grand.

I think it's up. I think it's that one right there. There's a 10. I think it's that one. How much is it? How much is that one? I'll do that one. I'll do that one.

That's nice. That's nice. I'm pretty sure that's what I got. I'm going to get her. I think so because I do think that mine isn't the same size all across. Yeah. I think it has some. Let me get the same size all across.

Let me not jipper. No, it's not a jip. No, I'm sorry. It's a shape. I know. I just want to make them all those big. I don't want small ones to big. I agree.

I agree. There's one. All biggies right there. Yeah, right big. How much is that? Crank it up. Crank it up. Six grand.

Oh, no, no, no. Let's go a little small. It's fine. No, let's go a little... No, that's all the same size. Oh, Evan? Oh, you want them all the same size, but the smaller ones. Yeah, no, the media.

Let's do medium. Let's do media. Look, it, I... I would have gone to that one. Oh, my God. It's so humiliating. She's lowering the price on the filter. Oh, my God, this humiliating.

Oh, my God. Oh, God. She doesn't want you to fall in love with one that costs more. she has no belief in you oh my god this is embarrassing i fucking hate being a part of this i want a thousand no you should go lab grown dude go lab grown i don't want lab grown you're a lab grown you're a lab grown i'm gonna do a lab grown christine get me 3 000 i want a 3 000 and up put that back in put 3 000 up stephen you listen and cut me a deal get rid of the zero get rid of the zero move the zero over to 3,000 so the girls never filtered anything before there you go what's that

What's that one? What's that one? The first one, yeah. I don't know. That's nice. She's doing it wrong, Bobby. I like that. She didn't search right.

That's nice right there. I like that one. How many, what is that? How many carrots? Two. Two carrots. Is that good? I think this one's actually really nice.

I'll get that one. I'm buying it for it right now. It's under three grand. I'm gonna get that. Three grand. Wait, it's got one review. See what the review says. It sucks.

It's a good review. This thing sucks. Push present. By me. What's a push present? when a woman gives birth, present from the husband. Oh.

She did give birth to our new relationship when she accepted me back after being a piece of shit, serial killer. And to your son. That was years ago. And to my son. That's right. And I had a child.

Did you get her a gift when she pushed out, Max? Yeah, a fucking apartment in Manhattan on 47th Street. That's for the family, not for her. Fuck, what do you mean family? She got a house. You didn't have to pay.

We're at home? Yeah. It's a home. We're not at home ever. And then I got her another house and then another house and then a small house. So many houses

I'm going to get her I'll get her that Send that to me I'm going to buy it for She deserves it Right Right Jay

Jay What Does she deserve it Yeah Huh Wait did you want to fuck this weekend No Oh then yeah

She deserves Oh if I give it to her Am I gonna have to fuck Ooh Ooh It is a little romantic You might want to think that through Yeah

Get her period panties But like a month's worth or fuck your wife or wait a second what are you saying I'm gonna get in one of those things I don't know fuck your wife I'm gonna get on one of those things

that gives her better posture yes get her back brace I get her a back brace that posters his shoulders there you go you know I did get to that for a birthday once

I like that she's still mad at me for that fix your posture hey hey hey you hunched over old fucking broad yeah I notice you hold the I notice you hold the countertops

a lot so I got you this cane for the house but just for the house. You don't have to embarrass yourself. And I already cut tennis balls and put them on all the bottoms. Hey, if you lie on the floor and put your head on this,

it will fix that little bump on the back of your neck. Hey, this is, hey, put this on your forehead. This will fix that high forehead you grow up. Hey, we'll fix that fucking hunch you got there, kiddo. Yeah, well, I'm going to get her that. You're right.

She deserves it. She deserves it. Right? I mean, if I deserved one, then she definitely deserves one. You're a, you're a, yeah, you let it go down. Oh, God. She deserves it.

She deserves it, right? Mm-hmm. No, she doesn't. You're saying she did. Jacob, does she deserve it? Yeah. She watched you cry for, on the kitchen floor and she stuck with you. She's got on the kitchen floor with you where you cried.

Oh, my God. Bobby bawling on a kitchen floor. When he just got back from getting his dick sucked. It's so good. At some point when you move, at some point when he moved around, his jizz froze to his, from his dick hole to his underwear, and he moved around. And at one point while you're crying, you went, ah, that little thing stint. Ooh. Sorry, he goes, no, no, babe, don't get mad.

That's from the old me. What you say? That's from the before I cried times. What? I just don't know how I'm like, Heather, you talked to Heather. You knew Don had your phone. Yeah, I should have just went home. And I just don't know how, I don't know how you're able to, like, get through the blowjob

without just, like, being in your head about what was going on. It was the top three blowjubs of my life. And I knew. But you didn't know that going in? Oh, you had a feeling. Ah, my lord, did I have a feeling. Okay. And she do live on.

She's sick. It was worth this tennis brazen. She was a little sick. She was a little stupid, a little crazy, yeah. She was a dancer in Vegas. And then you went, I can't leave. I got blown. The whole time I was looking at the top of her head

I was thinking about you dude I called on dude Yeah always She sucked me off really good But I guess not It was worse Top three for sure dude But your love is number one

Dude If only you could suck my dick like her I wouldn't have to do this dude Well, look, now, now, you know, look, every relationship, you know, set, well, you mean, I love Dawn. I love her so much, you know what I mean, but. Who you're selling it on me? You really work the room and he goes, I love Dawn, right? You guys see that?

Yeah, it comes through, right? What I say you do? I wonder, I do wonder, if at that time when we're going through all this, you know, you know, Because, look, it wasn't like, it wasn't a relationship. You know what I mean? It was all just sex. It was all like, I was paying for sex. I was going to massage.

It was an addiction. It was stupid. Driving two hours to the long island to get your wieners suck. It's a long island, dude. I didn't know it was that long. Very long island. It's right there. It's worth it, though, wasn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, son. It was worth the tears. The blood, sweat, and jizz. I'll tell you what. Knowing that you were driving home to a nightmare, though, also keeps you awake on that ride home. Wow.

So you have to worry about being in middle of the night and like not be, you were wide awake. Windows down, you were like, fuck. I bet at some point you even put on music and said, fuck it, man, what are you going to do? Life is life. You have no idea that later on you were going to be fucking sobbing in a

floor of a kitchen. I had no phone, too. You know what I mean? If I wanted to call her, it would have to be like a pay phone. Nice. There was no way to get in touch with her. So just listen to music and enjoy your fucking post-blow job mind.

Yeah, I had to drive home in her car. Jesus I'm kidding Christine it was our car mostly hers though she had the credit yeah understood understood no but yeah my car's our car too it was uh look we all go through what we have to go through well if I leave you Christina if you know my history if I leave you you get a car so that seems to be my M.O you get more than that my car's a lease yeah but I'll be covering that lease you're a lease Jay's leasing Christine I lease her

I bought Dawn but you you had a crazy weekend I did you did right should I start telling six minutes break no we gotta go

we got the second half now here's it I love when Jay calls me goes I'll talk to you on Monday oh I texted you he texted me I just had the weirdest

fucking shit yeah I had a long week last week very long week yeah and then a long weekend also long weekend

This would suck is opening up on this show just cost me three grand I should have just kept my fat mouth shut and let you get to your story I have $3,000 All I said was how is Rochester Somehow we ended there

Because you have a very nice voice And it makes me open up And you know that It's soothing. It's ridiculous to soothe you Bobby Kelly's gonna be bringing his smooth voice to the Vassani Comedy Theater in Port Charlotte, Florida this weekend

October 17th and 18th. After that, Tampa, Florida, EMEA's Pennsylvania, and then, of course, New Orleans for Skangfest. For tickets and all of his tour dates, go to punchup.com slash Robert Kelly. Check out his YouTube channel, YouTube.com slash at Robert Kelly Comedy.

You can catch him every Tuesday night, the Fat Black Pussy Cat Lounge, the comedy seller. 7 p.m. show. Yeah, Big Jay is going to be in D.C. at the Improv this weekend, one of the greatest clubs in the country I've heard. October 16th and the 18th.

After that, he's going to be in Pasadena, Austin, Tampa, New Orleans for Skankfest, for tickets and all the tour days, please go to bigjaycom. And then go to YouTube.com slash at BigJ Okerson and then go get his double Adam. Is it out? You can order it now? Pre-order it's pre-order. Pre-order right now. They, them, is available right now for pre-order on vinyl.

BigJ Comedy.com is the place to get it. I have to sign. I just sent me today. Yeah. I have to sign. I thought it was wrong. I thought it was like, I don't know why. I thought we were doing like 50.

limited edition thing i have to sign 500 of those drawings of that cock holding a gun that's hilarious 500 did you find the original i didn't look you ass oh look let me have it i'll give it to you if i let me have it in the album signed i told you Wayne was listening and he said he will not be giving me that really wow what a piece of shit no but he goes it's it'll be archived uh in a proper way that art should be on was like sure man i know i know he's a good hands don't do something weird with it Follow us on SORA, too. Me and Jay are on Sora. The new AI.

You're on it. What does follow me mean? That means follow you. So they can make AI videos of you. Oh, yeah. Follow me on so many other things before you give a shit about that. Follow me on Instagram and subscribe to my YouTube. I hope Instagram and all that stuff dies and this is the new thing.

Just AI videos. You're doing fake stuff. We'll be right back. It's a bonfire. Thank you.