The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Gasms with Jim Norton

Episode Date: January 31, 2025

The great Jim Norton returns to the SiriusXM studios for the first time after parting ways and starting his own podcasts. Jim and Bobby man the ship while Big Jay is off at sea. The two reminisce about living in the same apartment building years ago. Bob complains that his sex life is drying up and his only release is on the road. Jim is reunited with his old stuff from his office because Bobby wanted him to feel at home again. Among his artifacts is a sexy new Smokey Robinson record called "Gasms." Check out Jim's podcasts and tour dates at Jimnorton.com. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolfSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to new episodes ad-free and a whole week early.

And now, The Bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly. What's up everybody? We're back. We're back. It's The Bonfire. I'm Robert Kelly. The great big Jay Okerson is on some cruise I don't think he wants to be on right now. You're doing it all wrong. Soaring through the... You're doing it wrong. But I do have a very special, very special guest host

back in the Sirius XM studios on Faction Talk. Once again, the great James Norton is in the house. First of all, I don't like that you played nine minutes of that song that we've all heard 10,000 times as I sit here languishing. First of all, most people are gonna- And you startin' this show wrong. You gotta start over.

Welcome to the bonfire, we're here, you're there. Comin' at your live when you're sure you're six and bow. I'm sorry. You know what, let's start it over. Play a little song, here we go. All right, let's start it over. Here we go. Let me learn from the expert 20 year pro.

Go ahead. Yeah. Hey, welcome to the Bonfire, coming at you live. We're here, you're there on your Sirius XM-Dow. Ha ha ha ha. Jim Norton, man. Oh, Bobbo. What's up, buddy?

I'm great. How does it feel to be back? You know, it's funny, you asked me to do this, and at first I was like, nah, I don't feel like going back to the building this soon, and then I realized like 10 minutes later, I'm like, I have no feelings about going back to the building. I'm like, yeah, I'll do it, and it's fine.

Yeah. Like, I didn't know if I'd be annoyed being here, but I'm not, I feel fine, it feels like it always felt. It was kind of sad that you had to check in though. What do you mean? You had to check in with a lady. With a lady, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Up at the front, like you've walked in with your badge

for what, 20 years now? I know, I imagine they've deactivated it as they usually do when people are not with the company. But yeah, that's the only minor inconvenience, but it was easier today than it has been at times where I was working here and forgot my badge. So this lady just seems to know what she's doing. Forgetting your badge, there's something about

forgetting your badge and having to go to the front desk. Humiliating. It's silly, and here's, you know what they did to me. They took my ID and gave it to another woman. I remember, I was here that day. Were you here that day? Yeah, the whole saga where he had to, you had to go and get to the hotel

and the fucking lady was real shit about it. She denied it. She denied it. And then it was in my head with conspiracies that she's gonna sell it. And then she's gonna plan a terrorist attack with my ID. And I'm gonna get frames for something because she was working at the UN.

What are you afraid of, bombs gonna go off in a comedy club? Come on. You're not. That's what I was saying. I know, it are you afraid of, bombs gonna go off in a comedy club? Come on. No, you're not. That's what I was saying. Hey, nice talking to you. You did. I had another line lined up, but I almost do it.

Come on, do it. No. Come on, dude, you're a pro. I was gonna say, I mean, they would hate that. You know, it goes off, there's 30 people killed. Yeah. Aren't you glad you said it? I am, yeah, I shouldn't have doubted myself.

You can do it, Jim! But it's fucking crazy. You were here for how long? 20 years? 20 years, starting with XM, of course. We were in the old building on 57th. I loved those studios. Me too.

They were the best. Who was the guy? Who was the security guard? It was Kenny? Master Po. Master Po. He was a serious guy. He was and he was such a part of the early show and I haven't I haven't seen him in

so many it's probably been 15 years since I've seen Poe. Is he still alive or did he go crazy? Yeah, no he moved. He's moved. He's doing sure he's doing security somewhere. Yeah he was he was intense. He was yeah. He was really intense. Yeah. And then Kenny came in not so intense. Well yeah you know I wouldn't consider Kenny a delicate flower. He's not a delicate flower, but he's very he's not as in tall Yeah, yeah. Um, yeah the XM studios were the shit they were and we were there for a car I think we came over here in 06 it was actually I can tell you almost no is oh wait. It was when I was getting sued by that lawyer.

So I wanna say it was at 06 or 08, I don't remember. It was one of those. We were there for maybe a year and a half, two years. Are you getting sued by the, I thought that was here. I thought you had him here and you got sued. No, we were actually on the phone. We never had him in studio. It was on the phone, but it was, I believe, at the old studio. I just don't remember, it's been so many years. It was on the phone, but it was, I believe, at the old studio.

I just don't remember, it's been so many years. That's when you started, which we were talking about this weekend, I hate it, the aliases. No, it was before that. You had alias before, because everybody has a fucking alias at the cellar now, but you can't get one unless you're a certain type of fame. Like, Estie would net, so at the club, on the front board,

if you look and it says, you know, Jack Wiki, you're like, who the fuck is Jack, it's probably Louis, or somebody famous, right? But Jim's the one that started that. And I remember I showed up one day, and I looked on the board, and the name of my stepfather that used to beat me and physically abused me.

I literally stopped in my tracks. I was like, I said, Keith, and I was like, why is he here? What's happening? Because I told the story on Obed Anthony. And you told me his name, and then that became my fake name at the cellar. So he had to see me.

And I was like, why is he here? What's happening? Because I told the story on Obed Anthony. And you told me me his name and then that became my fake name at the cellar So he had to see it every night when he walked in But now everybody has a fucking alias I'll tell you why I did this was before except for except for me me Keith. She won't give us an alias No, I mean if I actually they think Keith is an alias. They're like, this is a real comic.

I did that because I was getting death threats. Early in the day, the radio, you know, it's so crazy. You say things and you don't realize how many people are listening or how many people are just hate listening. And I would get enough death threats where I didn't want the club bothered. And I was afraid that people were gonna start bothering the club, or like, there was a couple

that actually I thought were legit, like real crazy people. So I was like, I don't want my name on the board being in the same place every night. But what were they giving you death threats for? Oh, it was so many, anything you said about- Like your physical look? No, no, no, no, that was- I hate your face.

Yeah, no, those were women threatening me. My pussy is dry, thanks to you! Um... I hate your face. Yeah, no, those are women threatening to you. My pussy is dry. Thanks to you It was a lot of the Jesse Ventura argument that amount of fucking babies out there I still get messages about that someone will go fuck a Jesse's you the picture first of all shut up You're mad about an argument two guys had 15 years ago shut the fuck up But that's that's kind of what it was. Oh, there's a lot of that It was a lot of and any opinion you had on anything, but that's somebody hated you for the argument with Jesse that was so Because you were just like go ahead hit me and you would just if what if were you nervous?

They've been coming back and went very much though. I thought he was gonna throw his water bottle at my face I really did I thought he was gonna whip his bottle at my face. But it was like one of those things where if a guy's gonna alpha you, you have to just fucking go down. You know what I mean? You can't be counting. Go down on him?

Well, yeah, well if it comes down to it, yeah, big head. You suck his cock. Stop using teeth. It's not American. Yeah, I mean, that was uglier than intended, but whatever. I say we get Opie and Anthony back together. Oh.

I'm seeing Anthony next week. Are you really going to rally going to him? We're having our sheets ironed together. You're doing shoulder exercises so you guys can read each other correctly? Yeah. How come they're only high-fiving with one hand? It's a long story.

No, we're doing, because I started my own. That's one reason I'm not depressed about being off the air. Like, yeah, I miss the money, but I started something immediately and got a bunch of episodes banked and I'm very happy and he's doing an episode soon and we're doing Legion of Skanks. Well, you had a great podcast with your wife, Nikki, Swordfight, which I did. Yes, it was fun. Uh, it was too fast.

I felt like it was over before we got started. Yeah, only an hour. And you were like, all right, that's it. And I was like, you know when you're doing something, and you're like, oh, we're just, you just kind of go? I thought we were just gonna go, and you're like, dude, we did three hours, oh, God. You were like, you looked at the time, went, all right, we're gonna wrap it. We can be like, dude, what'd you do? Three hours, oh God.

You were like, you looked at the time, went, all right, we gotta wrap it up. I was like, oh, this is a good ep. Well, you know what it is, it's because in that studio, I have to rent the studio. So you have a certain amount of time, and it was probably like we were running out of time, like we have to be out of there,

the next people are coming in. The one I'm doing from home, Jim Norton Can't Save You, it's just my advice podcast, but I'm bringing a guest in. I do it from home so we can go as long as we want, it from home. Jim Norton can't save you. It's just my advice podcast, but I'm bringing a guest in. I do it from home so we can go as long as we want. It's great. What type of advice are you giving? Depends on what they want.

Sometimes it's nonsense. Other times it's people who are trying to quit, whatever it is. Or sometimes it's just comments. It's not always advice. What if I wanted advice on dating a woman? I would say, look, I've got plenty of friends who could help. No, what I would say is I've got plenty of friends who could help. No what I would

say is honestly make sure you're compatible and always make sure her cock works first. Don't get bait and switch. That's great that's so good. Don't get bait and switch. Yeah don't. It happens. Fully functional are ya? Cut no you're not. Does that bum you out if you have been with a girl who wasn't fully functional, it was just a little pud sitting there? I've had, I think you're saying, Bob, Jim, have you ever encountered false advertising? That's a great question. Haven't we all?

I picture a used car salesman. I thought you said you were going to put true code on it, limp. Yeah, we've all had that. Yeah, I'm happy to be out of that on its limp. Yeah, we've all had that Yeah, happy to be out of that life. Yeah, no life is so much easier now I was just telling somebody about cuz we lived in the same building together. Oh, yeah, and with Gutfeld He lived that building with us to Greg Gutfeld. Did he? Yep. That was before I knew Gutfeld. Oh, yeah, I think he was it was being I don't know if he was writing from Maxim then or what he was doing but that might have been I mean that was over on 43rd between 10 and 11. That was, I think he was starting Red Eye,

I think he started that like 2007, so yeah, it was before then. Well, you looking for a place to go, and I was like, I moved to this great building, and I was like, it's got a doorman, it's got a gym, it's got all this stuff, and then- Garage in it. Garage in it, and building a parking car,

I'm gonna help you. And building a parking car, yeah. Like 10 minutes, 10 minutes. But then, you're like, okay, and then I was in it and Billy a parking Carlos me out of you and Billy the parking Carlos Yeah, like 10 minutes 10 minutes, but then I you're like, okay And then I was again the market diner with the tranny bars across the street I saw you I saw you in the building a week later filling out forms Yeah, and I was actually a tape measure from the building to a device Trying to cut down on how many steps it took to get there. Do you know what's funny? I only went into that place one time or twice in my life

and I was in and out very quickly. I never hung out in that place and then after I moved in to the building on, which Kamal from the Jerky Boys lived right next door to us. He lived into the, they were like little condos, or what were they? Yes, it was a smaller building.

A co-op, it was a co-op building. Yeah, like lofts. They were loft space Yeah, he bought that apartment for $60,000 Wow when the jerky boys were hot and when he when he was gonna sell it, I think it was like 700,000 Wow. Yes, we made out But that bar closed soon after that whole area changed right? I moved in there in 2000 It was like April of 2002 But that bar closed soon after. That whole area changed, right? I moved in there in 2000, it was like April of 2002, and we got fired August of 2002,

so I was like five months into a two year lease, panicking. I was with you when you got fired. I know you were. We were at the Cleveland Browns. That was the night, no, the Cleveland Browns was, we went back the next day, and Sex for Sam happened. We were in a limo, doing a private gig. I believe it was the Cleveland Browns rookie camp.

Although Cool J was on, I have pictures from that night. Oh, that was the fucking... When they had me go up, and then you go up in front of the defensive line on beanbags. Couldn't see anybody laughing. No. And then... And then LL went on and did his fucking... And then LL went on and did his fucking.

And then LL went on and did two songs, and then murdered, and then they, they went, they took LL into the weight room because he was shredded, and they took, they took me and you to the shoe room. Yeah. Yeah. Remember that?

The two white players, the kicker, and one like offensive line guy took us in the back room where the shoes were. They're like, come back here and they have a cooler. This is where we hang out. This is where the white boys hang out. I don't recognize any of those players. I was looking at those pictures recently from that night. That was August of 02 because I think Sex for Sam

was right after that. I know when I found out they were canceling the show, I was actually with Opie and Anthony. I was with the two of them. We were at Opie's house on the Upper West Side. We were walking towards it. I remember, and we were in front of a Starbucks. And I'll never forget that.

Something happened in the limo, I remember that. We were in the limo, going to the airport, and you got a tragic phone call about the show. And maybe you got the phone call about you, because you weren't there. You were with me. No, I was there. I was in studio when the thing happened.

100%. I remember it. I just was not out on the street. No, it might have been something else, but I found out I was getting fired when I was actually with both of those guys. I went to Edelweiss one time with P. Corey Ellie. Wow. Yeah, we used to hang out all the time at the Bag It Inn. Get it? It's great. Yep, I do. And he was like, do we used to hang out all the time at the Baggot Inn. Get it?

It's great. Yep, I do. And he was like, do we gotta go? And one night he's like, we're going. We went down, took a cab after all the spots. We walked in, and this girl, I mean, one of the hottest women, quote unquote, I've ever seen in my life, in a mesh dress, just panties, mesh. You could see her little nips sticking out through the little mesh holes. in a mesh dress, just panties, mesh.

You could see your little nips sticking out through the little mesh holes. Walked up to Pete, he was smoking a butt, drinking a beer at the bar, whispered in his ear, and I was over there, and some dude that looks like Lou was talking to me. And, uh... And then he walks up and he goes,

I gotta get the fuck out of here. I'm like, why, we just got here. He's like, because I'm gonna suck his dick if we don't leave. Yeah, everyone, you think, it's like when you go to an Edelweiss, it's like Matt Dillon said in Crash, you think you know who you are. But we really do.

Yeah, that club, I remember you used to love it because we had Teddy, Filipino. Oh, yes, he was one of the door guys. I would always bring my lady friends up. Do you know him, Paco? Teddy the door guy? You guys all know each other? I don't think so.

Are you sure? He was such a nice man. Hello, hello, Jim. Hi, Jim. Hi, Jim, hi, Bobby. And I would bring everybody up because the other guys, like there's certain girls I wouldn't bring up when they weren't at the door because it was embarrassing. Exactly. But Teddy didn't give a fuck. Hi Tim, hi Bubby. And I would bring everybody up because the other guys, like there's certain girls I wouldn't bring up

when they weren't at the door, it was embarrassing. Exactly. But Teddy didn't give a fuck. He was always sleeping. Yeah. He'd walk in and he'd just be snoring out. And I remember there was an incident in the front where someone was being attacked.

He locked the front doors on the people that were... They were like, let me in. He was like, no, call the police. Yeah, that was a great fucking time. But who else lived in that building? Jay Moore lived on the corner. That's right. And Lewis Black lived on the other corner. That's right.

Jay lived in that building. Was it on 43rd and 11th? 43rd and 11th. And then David Tell lived on the other corner. Didn't Dave live in the... No, yeah, Lewis lived on 10th and then Dave lived on the corner of, on 9th and 43rd. Yeah, yeah, fucking great.

And Burr lived 47th Street with DeRosa, remember that? I never went to that place, no. I remember they lived together, but I didn't know it was there. I was talking to Steve Byrne the other day about the time me and you, because we used to go to Starbucks all the time. I was there when you invented Chip.

We'd go to Starbucks and you, because we used to go to Starbucks all the time. I was there when you invented Chip. We'd go to Starbucks and you started, you never did characters. You never did your stupid little things that I hate. I did, but not to you. You did it to yourself in a mirror. No, no, I was doing them, do you understand? I was doing them before I, when I was dating this girl, I was 28,

and she was my girlfriend at the time, and I was doing all of these, they all became like, Edgar was little mouth man, Uncle Larry became Uncle Paul, Roger Davis became Chip, like they were all different. Who was the guy that didn't like lids on his coffee? Oh, Liddy, I think, that was just a fucking yogurt lid that would annoy, that was just to be annoying. We'd go get Starbucks.

Liddy would truck like that, I think, it was just to annoy everyone. I got in no lid or something. Oh, that I don't remember. You did some, every time we went to Starbucks, you'd do a character. I don't remember. And it infuriated me.

As it should have. It's annoying. I used to go up and tell Don, I think he's going insane. Yeah. Because he won't stop doing this fucking character. I don't remember the lid guy. How'd that go?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't like a lid. No. No. I'm no lid. I don't need a lid. And you'd take a sip because you never had a lid on your coffee, which bugged me too. I don't remember.

Who doesn't have a fucking lid? I don't like Starbucks lids because they leak. And don't pretend you've never noticed it. They leak out of the front all the time. Starbucks, you get a fucking dribble down your knuckle. Yeah, you're used to that. I am. I just usually have my chin.

You're a professional dribble-knuckle guy. Yeah, we used to go there all the fucking time. You remember the time I gave you, we were hanging out, and I was like, dude, I got you a Christmas present? Yes, the cologne. Yeah. Very nice. Remember what you told me?

You said, thanks, dude. Can you hold onto it? I was probably going... You never picked it up. I still have it. It's probably not good anymore. It was 14 years ago. I was so excited to get...

We never give each other really shit back then. We didn't have money. And I was like, I'm gonna get Norton a gift. You live in the building. You used to come down and watch fucking TV with us all the time. Used to sit in the recliner with Kelby and Diva. And I was like, I'm gonna get Norton a gift.

And Dom was like, okay, we got you this cologne. I was very excited. I wrapped it myself. And I was like, hey, we did something. I don't know, we went somewhere. And I'm walking back, hey dude, I got this for you. And you was like, hey, we did something. I don't know, we went somewhere. And I'm walking back, hey, dude, I got this for you. And you're like, aw, thank you so much, man. Hey, can you hold onto it?

I'm like, but we live in the same fucking building. I must have been on my way out to see a lady friend. How do you call it, a lady friend? I don't remember, yeah. You never knew back then. Could have been anything. I remember the time I was coming back from a gig in Jersey and I was with this, I don't know who he was,

some open mic was open for me, and we were in the meat pack and all of a sudden, he's like, we saw these trannies coming down, these transsexuals, what do you, I don't know what you call them. Can you say trannies? I mean, I don't think there's anything wrong. People get angry at you for it,

but I have no issue with it. And we saw one that looked like Lamont from Sanford and Son walking down, and the guy was like, does Norton really like, does he really do that? It was just show for the, he was talking shit on the show. I was like, and I looked to the car left me, there was a Saturn. I remember that.

And you were in it, calling over Lamont. I probably was asking for directions. I was probably lost. Well, I went, hey, Norton, and you went, and then you grabbed the steering wheel and just stepped up like Mario Brothers. And you just took off. And I probably just didn't want you interfering

with my liaisons. I didn't want you interfering with my friendships. I'm telling you right now, I say, and the bonfire should be a part of this, me and Jay can broker a deal between you, Opie, and Anthony, and we get, let me just finish the thought. I know.

Let me finish the thought. Just the idea. We get you back on this show, we let you guys take over, me and Jay will sit off to the side and see if we can get the magic back. Oh. No?

No. You don't think the magic is still there? Nah. Come on. Look, it is what it is. And like everything that is, things are great. They fall apart. I'm lucky we got that much time out of it.

It was volatile for years. It lasted way longer than any of us thought it would. Now it's just a part of history. It's a part of radio history. Jim and Sam, we get that back together. You know, those guys are still going. They'll do great. I mean.

What is it called now? Jim and the Boys? My show? I'll plug my own show, Bob. Jim Norton can't save you. It's a little advice show podcast. And, um. Well that's good, man. I love it.

You get to stay home and do your shit. No, but I also get to like have people like, the schedule is kind of open, which is great. Like, someone's like, I can't do it till four. I'm like, great. We found a studio, and because it was the holidays, like that whole week off or two weeks off, we couldn't get into the studio, but that whole week off or two weeks off,

we couldn't get into the studio, but I had people lining up and I'm like, let's just do it here for an episode or two. He goes, yeah, we'll do that and then go into the studio. But it actually worked out great. And we're like, let's just fucking stay here and save the money. Cause you are gonna have to pay for three episodes

to tape two. It's more comfortable in your house. You too. Fucking great. I would love to go to your house and just hang out. I don't want you to. I mean, yeah. Wait a minute, I'm trying to get on the fucking show, dude. Okay.

Yeah, we've only done, there's only three up. There's TJ and Nick Mullen was great and Joe List. It must've been great though for the first day that you didn't have to wake up on a Monday and a Tuesday and not get up at whatever time you had to get up to go in, get the thing, come in. I mean, what was it, four or five days a week you had to do that?

It was four days a week, but no, yes and no. I was so used to it and so used to being tired that you get up, I'm still getting up, I didn't even think of I'm saving sleep because I'm getting up now, instead of seven o'clock or 6.45, I get up, like 7 o'clock or 6 45 I get up obviously I get an extra couple hours I get up at like 9 30 and the first thing I do is go train like I just go to Jiu-Jitsu whatever. Oh I thought you said Tran.

Oh no that's the last thing I do before bed. I don't want to be redundant. No I go to the gym Monday through Thursday after that and then start. So it's a little bit of extra sleep, which is great. But no, I don't even, I don't know, I don't miss the routine of it. I thought I would. Did Nicky like having you home? I was on the road. One thing is I've learned to like the road by myself.

Like, I had fun in Austin by myself, just kind of being in your own space. It's nice, right? You get into a hotel. I would hear married guys say that, and I'm like, yeah, just kind of being in your own space. It's nice, right, you get into a hotel. I would hear married guys say that, and I'm like, yeah, I get it. I can't wait. It's the only time I can masturbate.

I am going to make love to myself Friday. The only choice I have to make, do I do it before the show, right when I get to the hotel, or do I wait and really take my time after the show on Friday? I totally get that. Like, I am a... I literally... I start jerking off the second I get in the car

on the way to the airport. You start edging just with your thumb. Yeah, I tell the guy, don't look in the mirror. I'm on my phone, twiddling my nips. Oh, I can't wait. Because I got Max in the house, too. Goffin' bit, he walks in and sees his dad hunched over. Yeah, yeah. How come you' bit, he walks in and sees his dad hunched over. Yeah, yeah.

How come you can't when he goes to school? When he goes, because she's home. And she'd be upset with you? Yeah, because I should be giving it to her. Don't you know? But you want to. I want to? What?

I mean, you've sat on the air, you weren't the issue. Well, here's the thing. Okay, Friday night we had a date night. We had date night. Max went to skiing. She made a reservation at a nice place. She went and got her hair blown out. That's usually when she spends money on her nails and hair.

I'm getting some pootie tang. I'm getting some, you know, I washed everything. I cleaned it twice. I made sure everything was neat. You know, I had it all, I had my shirt, my sex shirt on. What's your sex shirt? Just to hide my stomach so she doesn't throw up. Oh.

Oh. And, you know, I mean, we went to dinner, I made sure I didn't eat a lot, I made sure I didn't get any. Because you don't want your little tummy exploding and having to vomit? Yeah, I just don't want to throw a pump in I made sure I didn't get any. Because you didn't want your little tummy exploding and having to vomit. Yeah, I just didn't want to throw a pump in and hear a little, little toots coming out.

Yeah, vomiting garbanzo beans into the toilet. Exactly, I made sure she didn't eat a lot because I'll fucking leave her if she farts, if there aren't sex. And so, and I'm gearing up from, I'm getting my, you know, my brain ready to, and I knew it was coming for a week and a half so I didn't do anything, so I'm readyaring up from my, I'm getting my, you know, my brain ready to, and I knew it was coming for a week and a half, so I didn't do anything, so I'm ready to go.

I'm horned up, I'm looking at her, I'm checking her, you know, every once in a while, looking at her, you know, middle-aged mom boobs, which I love, I love a nice droopy, it's not droopy, it has a little hang to it, you know what I mean? One's bigger than the other. And I was ready to go, and we got back to the play,

back to the house, and I'm like, so we gonna get it going? And she's like, yeah, not tonight. I was like, what? She's like, yeah, Max will be home, you gotta go get Max in a little bit, so maybe next time. I was like, okay.

I mean, my only choice is to, like, sexually assault her at that point. Like, throw her on the bed. What, bribery? Bribery with what? I gave her a house and a Lexus. What else do I have to get her? I mean, maybe there's something else she wants.

A dress or a hat. Who knows, but ladies like... A woman. A woman with a wet vagina that has a E-pussy. I was ready to go, dude. I was gonna do all... I mean, I was gonna go on her first. I was gonna go down and make sure she's right. I bought a little toy. I had a little pocket rocket.

I was gonna put on the thing. I couldn't find it the last minute, so I was gonna get my toothbrush and just put a ziplock over it. I was gonna put a ziplock on the end of it and just put a Zip lock over me. I don't know if it's pre or post, or I don't know when she's getting out of this fucking thing where her neck turns red and she wants to kill me. And, uh, the last time we had sex, when she was on, you know, going through this,

it just... you know, she just dried up. And I just felt like shit. She's like, I need lube. I'm like, I don't know what you want me to do. Yeah, I understand. I was like, I'll spit on it. She goes, ugh. I was like, what are we doing? Why are we together? Just go fuck somebody else.

Let me get hand jobs by middle-aged Asian women. Women? Women. I have two at a time. Getting fucking jerking on the road. I was in Austin this week. When you did Joe's Club, did they have the condo for you? No. I don't know if that was up yet. They started you did Joe's Club, did you do, did they have the condo for you?

I don't know if that was up yet. They started leasing a condo. No, no, but it's in the hotel. It's fucking phenomenal. The Thomas. Oh, I fucking love the Thomas. Yeah, it's a two-bedroom sweet thing. Do you have to share it?

No. It's two-bedroom. It's amazing. I don't like going in a condo, though, when, like, the last dude's mustard is in the fridge. No, no, no. Sweet thing. Do you have to share it? No. Oh, God. It's too bad, it's amazing. I don't like going in a condo though when the last dude's mustard is in the fridge. No, no, no, this is different. This is like. I don't want condiments from fucking TJ Miller. I don't want his hot sauce hanging out.

No, I wouldn't take a condo from any club, but this one, they gave me the option, and I just trusted them because everything they do at the club is done well, and it's beautiful's beautiful and when you get in the fridge is fucking packed with you know diet cokes and sodas and fucking you know and like and So they know what you like It's just everything you'd want and then when you open the fucking drawers They have like it's packed with like cheesets and little goldfish and fucking little cereal.

I ate and jerked off manically for seven days. I'm there in April, I can't wait. Dude, I was fucking, there's a beautiful kitchen counter like with stools to sit there and eat and I was on my laptop, I got so much work done and it's like a wraparound windows where you're looking directly at the Weston sign,

so I had to close the shades. Before you jerked off. 100%. I sometimes I leave them open, and I just give somebody the chance to get a little gander at me, lie on my knees up. No, I didn't want to punish anyone.

Come on. No. I give somebody a little chuckle. Look at that chubby ball guy, wanking it. No, look at him eating cheese nips and then washing his hands and touching his nipples. Yeah. I would actually blow the load in bed,

but I was on the computer out there getting warmed up. Oh, you got warmed up. You warm yourself up. Yeah, but then I went into the actual bedroom. But it's so fucking fantastic to have a week alone just eat. I eat like a fucking hog. All those little treats, I can't resist them.

I do the opposite. When I go on the road, I tighten everything up, I eat very clean and I work out every day, but I do masturbate a lot. And I mean a lot where it's, you know, when I go back, I feel weird when Max comes up and hugs me at the airport. It's a compulsion. I'm like, just give me a, get away.

They meet you at the airport? Yeah, sometimes, not all the time, once in a while, but yeah, it's the best. As soon, it's one of my favorite things in the world. I get off the plane, I get my luggage, I'm heading out, Max is outside the car and then he runs up and hugs me like some fucking cheesy rom-com movie. Like you're back from the war. Yeah, like I just did a tour duty.

I was just away for a week and jerking off eating cheeses. Daddy, why are you wearing an oven mitt? Forget it, just hug me. There is something about going away, because I love being home, I love hanging out at the house, but I'm going away until I think April now, every weekend, and I'm so excited to get away. And you know what I did on the road that really worked?

Because you know I'm a tech dude. I've taught you everything you know. Yeah, which is not a lot. Everything you have is me. I have an iPhone, a laptop, and sex addiction. iPad you didn't want, iPhone you you like I still don't use my iPad Thanks, I like my blackberry. I like the I like the I'm They lost me when they did the took took when the whole screen when those fuck heads at Blackberry

There was that weird thing they did when they did a touchscreen, but the whole screen would would click tactile. Oh I wanted to throw it through a fucking window. It's like, you guys had it, and they just couldn't commit to the touch screen. They're like, let's just give it the Blackberry flair. And I hope whoever did that lost their hands in a fucking buzzsaw accident. They did, cause they had Blackberry stock

in it fucking tactile. You bet it did. I actually got a mini projector, little tiny projector, it's like this big, you hook it up to your phone, and you can project on any wall, anywhere you want what's on your phone. And you can put it on your ceiling. Because I have a hard time, when you're in the hotel room,

you gotta hold your phone, or you gotta put your computer by the bed and angle it just right, and kind of look to the right, and I had this thing set up so it's shooting on the ceiling. So I'm lying down just looking straight up in a very natural way at the porno on the fucking ceiling in a hundred inch fucking television screen. It was the greatest thing.

The second greatest thing is when I took Max's VR on the road. I was like, dad's gonna take this for a weekend. And I, oh, my God, that was insane. Erase the history quickly. I had to go in and figure it out. Yeah, I've tried watching VR porn in my, the Oculus. Oculus, yeah. And it's funny, I bought it, I just, I don't use it.

I just don't give a fuck. It was great during the pandemic when I was doing Chip, but now I just don't care about it. But I tried watching porn on it once or twice, and it wasn't, it was okay. Like, it wasn't like, eh, I was doing Chip, but now I just don't care about it. But I tried watching porn on it once or twice, and it wasn't... it was okay. Like, it wasn't like, eh, I was just like, so what? I started talking to the girl.

She's right in front of my face. You like that, Daddy? I was like, I do. I like it a lot. Eventually, they'll get the... you'll be able to respond. Once AI has it where she can respond and interact with you in what's a pretty believable way, that'll be really nice.

We'll stop making babies in America. Just be single guys with headsets on, jerking off. A bunch of lonely fat women. Yeah. Every guy looks like he works for air traffic control. Just jerking off in one hand. It's, uh, yeah, technology's fucking nuts,

but the projector was a good one. I don't know if I'd enjoy that. I don't mind getting on the bed with a laptop. I don't know if I would want the projector looking at the ceiling above me. I couldn't. Yeah, but you're with a younger person too. My wife's my age. We're at the same... What are you I mean, what are you gonna do?

I wish we'd bank more when we're younger. Yeah. But it is just the way it is, it just goes away for a little bit. I guess so, yeah. But you must have sex a lot. When I want to, it's there, yeah, sure. I mean, it's pretty, there's never,

I feel like I can't. Yeah, I do. I was just happy to see the dog when I came home I was happy to see my little dog. That's a true marriage. Yeah, you come home and you're like hey Get out of here So happy to see me was finally got your dog and you got a little Kelby. I did yeah, we didn't know that I thought it was a I thought it was a cavapoo in the picture a what a cavapoo. What's a cavapoo? It's a King Cavalier and a fucking,

and some poodle. It's a cute combination. That's a Cavapoo right there. Yeah, they're adorable. Is that what you have? No, I have a Yorkie. You have the little Yorkie? Yeah, but it was so small.

Can you take the Yorkie on the plane? No, I haven't yet. We still try to house break it. But it does look like a little. Oh my God, Jimbo. Yeah, let's see what it's covered. What a fucking adorable dog. Show Christine. look like a little. Oh my god Jimbo. Yeah, let's see what's coming. What a fucking adorable dog. Show Christine.

It's so cute. Oh you see it, yeah. She'd make a pocket book out of that. I mean put it in your pocket book, sorry. Yes. Like what am I, Cruella? Yeah, so it's kind of, it's nice. Yeah, I enjoy it.

I love having a dog. I still don't want to be a parent though. Like I still realize that's not my, like it's not for me. Like I can't, you know what I mean? Like I still realize that's not my name. Like it's not for me. Like I can't do it. You know what I mean? Like I can't do it. No, you can't.

You would not, you would not, you cannot be a parent. You cannot be a dad. No. No, I could say Jay could be a great dad. Oh yeah. I think he'd be a great dad. I think you would panic and you would call all of us

the first time it's shit and you're like, what do I do? How do I? No, I would know what to do. I would say, how do I get someone else to take care of this? I don't want to clean shit. I'm just, it's not, I don't have, like whenever the dog has so much responsibility

just taking care of something, it makes me grateful that I never had kids. I'm like, I knew it wasn't for me that I wouldn't be good at it. And I'm glad that I saw that and didn't do it because people thought, you know what I mean? Oh, you should have baby. And I was like, no, you're too old now.

What, are you gonna be around for 10 years? Poor kid's gonna have his father for 10 years? Well, I'm only 50, I'm not gonna die at 66. You don't know. You don't know that. You don't know that. You have no idea. That is true.

I mean, I could die tomorrow. Or you could die right now. Yeah, I couldn't see you with a kid, dude. I love being a dad. I fucking love every second of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I love going out. We went out to the snowstorm the other night.

I just sat down. I had a bowl of lemon rice soup that Don made, I had my show ready to go, I had a blanket on my lap, and I hear, Dad, I'm like, what? He's like, come here. I'm like, no. He's like, Dad, just come here. And I walked down the stairs, all my stuff ready to go.

He's like, let's go outside in the snowstorm. It was like 12 at night. And I was like, fuck it, let's go. And we went outside, we ran around in the snow, went up the street, walked around, we were having a fucking blast, doing a snowball fight. It was fucking awesome. How bad were you guys?

I missed the snow, it was gone. It was bad. It was bad, yeah. Well, where I live, it's bad. You know, we were in the city, I saw Gary Gullman's one-man show, and then we had to drive back up, and as we were going, we were going 20 miles an hour

on the sawmill the whole way. It was a fucking nightmare, a nightmare. Driving on a road, and a Lexus is not a car you want to be on the road. Is that front or rear wheel drive? I think it's all wheel drive, which is terrible. And- Is it bad?

I thought all wheel would be better. Anti-lock brakes are the most terrifying noise. You'll, ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta. Yeah. And then you're just skidding down the hill. Yeah, but they do keep you a little straighter. I don't know, not you. No, well, it's only so I'm going in reverse,

I'm back into things. Foot. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I hate when I do it somewhere and then whoever's doing subtitles for my Instagram reel spells it F-O-O-T And it's like no it's not that's fit. What is fit? FFF TTTTT Sometimes there's a you in there all except for Foot yeah, why are you? But it's got like a German thing with an unblot over what is foot. That's just a sound This is what I hate about you. This is what don't stop doing it cuz it but you do know I hate it, but here's why I hate it cuz later on during the day at some point. I'll go fit

You're gonna do it. Yep. Yep, you're gonna drop a man a letter in the mailbox You had done it don't a max doing chip for like a month. Oh good. No, not good good I've been wake up and he'd be like what's that? That's Storm Hill Park by the way. It's a terrible road. It's a great road. You're out of your mind. No it's not because of how bad it is in the... No trucks. Yeah but I mean it's bad in the bad weather. It's bad for a minute but then the... In clement weather as we say. I never said that in my life. I don't even know what it means. I remember I had a Mustang. I thought you were know what it means. I remember I had a Mustang.

I thought you were gonna say a mustache. No, never had a mustache. Daddy bought a Stang. You had a Mustang? I had a Mustang. My payments were $2.49 a month, something like that. I remember I was really new at stand-up. And I was telling my parents at the cosign, it was like 1990, I'm like, I'll be headlining in two years.

Like I thought, but $2.9 a month was a lot of money back in those days. And it was rear wheel drive, which I didn't know. So I didn't know how bad that would be in the fucking bad weather. Terrible. Terrible. And I was doing this gig in Lancaster,

the Italian Villa, which was a fun gig to do. Boss is there next week. It closed. Oh, sorry. No, no, we're both right. And I remember it was like all in Lancaster route 30 is all these fucking hills and treacherous. Yeah. And I was in this car and it was so bad, the driving, I was like I'm not going to make this gig. So I had to pull over, I think, and my girlfriend at the time who had a better car had to come

and pick me up on the road. What a fucking humiliating. I know. Well, here's the problem with when you drive, you have to not give a fuck about the dude behind you when you're driving in snow. Right, because you don't let him rush you. And it's hard as a fucking dumb alpha male,

you know, I'm driving 25 miles an hour and Dom made me put the hazards on, which was humiliating. Yeah, and that's okay. Click, click, click, click. They can go around you, it's a two lane run. I know, but it's so hard to fight it. So I'm just doing 25 with my hazards on

and the guy's behind me and then he tries to get around and I'm just sitting there and she's like, just let him go. Just let, who cares about him? Giving me pep talks. She's right. I know, she's 100% right. Yeah, who cares about that guy? Let him, what are you rushing to, the next accident?

That's what I always say. Is that what you always say? Always. I hope you are rushing to an accident. I say that to old people when they're walking quickly. Um, yeah. So now they're about to shit their pants. Yeah, but we got home, man. Boo.

Yep, boo is right. There's nothing better than getting home in the suburbs. Christine's about to experience this. Getting home in the suburbs, parking your car in the driveway, getting out and not having to lock your doors. I leave my keys in my car. It doesn't fucking matter. That's where every murder happens, in a place where people don't think they have to lock your doors. I leave my keys in my car. It doesn't fucking matter. That's where every murder happens,

in a place where people don't think they have to lock their doors. Lock your doors, don't let them. Lock your car. Where do you think people go to steal shit? They go to places like that. Not where I live. Sure they do, fucking pot angles.

Yes they do. Not where I live. My neighborhood is clean. My neighborhood has a guy that drives around on the sidewalks that salts the sidewalks. Little machine that comes was always to be a Tobold guy Then they took that away. I'm so happy they did you have any of those lumps of shit? I would say hey, have a nice day. Nothing no response in my mind I'll be like fucking computers are gonna take your job cock. You're the one who did this so happy. Oh my god I'm so happy when I drive through the Holland

I see that there's no tolls and I think of all those fucking shitheads who would put their hands out for the night. I'm so happy. Hope they're all starving. Don's dad was a tollbooth guy. Where? In Boston. They were actually nice up there. Oh, cool, thank you.

That was my dream to always have a state job when I was doing comedy. I was like, if it doesn't work out, I'll get a state job, I'll get benefits, I'll get bennies, and I'll just do it for 20, and then I'll retire, and then I'll get a state job, I'll get benefits, I'll get Benny's, and I'll just do it for 20, and then I'll retire, and then I'll get a part-time job. That was my deal, my whole dream. It's an excellent place to refocus.

Contracts are up in a fucking march. Do you want to be called the Big James Fanoia Show? I'm going to be at a toll booth somewhere. No, it was in the negotiations. It was a bloodbath. It kind of sucks, though, that you didn't come back. No, I'm fine with it. I really am.

I didn't know if I would be or not or how I would. Did you and Sam leave on good terms? Yeah, yeah. I don't... I called it... Literally, I told my wife I called it, literally, I told my wife this, and this is the truth. You have a big penis?

No, she knows that already, please. That's why she's in this country. No. Think she doesn't know what her fuckin' passport shit has stamped on it? Picture that cock. No, it was, I was like, they're going to do this. I told, I just literally, I'm not kidding when I tell you,

it was almost to the dollar amount. They did exactly what I said they were gonna do. So I was very prepared for it. I told my manager, nobody saw it coming. They're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, I just, I can't, I don't listen to other people when it's something like that, because I knew, I just knew, I'm here every day, I knew.

So I was ready, and so now I'm my adventure. I knew those guys would continue. I said it and they're like well, we don't like shut up I knew well that they would continue and they should we want to make you feel at home. Oh good So address on We're all gonna dress up like we dress up like female and Christine's gonna dress like a male We're gonna dress up like female. And Christine's gonna dress like a male. We wanna make you feel at home, bro. Good. So we brought all your stuff.

Oh, thank you. All your accoutrements from the Jim and Sam show. Thank you very much. Are right there. Where's the garbage? No, don't throw the boat. We have, let's open up, let's see what we got here. We have your fireman's helmet.

Hold on, the fireman's helmet? Ah, this is really nice. Give us a little context on what that is. The fireman's helmet was for Halloween, I think it was last year, where I can't find the, I think it was a Jeff the Fireman Master of Fish was my costume Well, GEOFF and I would wear the hat and I had a fish because I was the master of fish

Why were you the what is the master? Isn't it Aquaman? No, it's Jeff the fireman who's the master of fish master fish colon master fish now. This is this Mashaic energy This is Modi's hat Which he left, but I don't wear hats. This Gazzams is a great Smokey Robinson, arguably the worst song ever done. What is that? Gazzams, Gazzams, eeeh, Gazzams. Little clearer, little bit of that.

It's his newest album. And look, Smokey's in his 80s, he's still doing it. Still looks great. But this is supposed to be a sexy song. Let me hear it. Gazzems. Gazzems. Maybe I can make love to Don with this. This is right up my alley. Yeah. Right here I'll go in with my sex shirt on. I'll stand in the doorway of the bathroom. Yeah. Lyrically it's very uh. She'll be in there taking her high socks off. Hahaha! He really gets in and it's sexy. Yeah. Let me hear it.

Ahhh! I like it so far. Yeah. This is nice so far. Ah, this Neil Rubenstein is not mine. Who is that? I don't know. Hahaha!

Let me see. I stole that off of Travis' desk by accident. Let me hear a little bit of this. Sounds good. I like it so far. Oh, he's just saying words. Not bad. Here we go.

Every time we gasm. He says I hasm. I hasm? And the people in the background, GASM GASM! Imagine getting in and getting the sheet music for that. What are we singing? GASM. Asms?

Eargasms. Eargasms? Christine, check, someone check Christine and see if she's wet There's a list of Gazums Eargasms I don't think exist, you give me gasms Eargasms Eargasms, what's an eargasm? Soft and sweet, or the kind that neighbors hear

There's more If I think about you right now, don't give me gasms Gasms, gasms Every little thought somehow Oh, Smokey This is the shittiest song ever It. I love it though. I gasm I'm gonna play the next time you don't have sex. I'm throwing this on see what she does. Yeah Yeah, this is awful. What if this is what makes you guys?

Hi, what else we got in the bag that was people don't know this gym If you ever did the gym in the Sam show you really didn't have it during the we got in the bag? That was people don't know this gym. If you ever did the gym in the Sam show, you really didn't have it during the where we film in Italy, the gym in the Sam show. I'm on Babel. I don't know. Sponsor of the show. The gym in the Sam show. If you ever did the show, you would have all these accoutrements

that they had to set up every day. Well, it just became a thing where I didn't pay attention to. This is just hand Purell, which that was just there. So that's from the pandemic. You probably had that, right? This was a heart-shaped, almost like an ashtray or a little holder that somebody gave. Oh, I like that.

That's like for changing keys when you come in the door. But when I left, I left, like the last show we had, I knew I'd never be back. Just by the way, they were already negotiating. But they waited until the Friday after to go out. So so oh these I can actually use these little jokers a couple of glasses holders those are bunny bunny eyes which I love by the way great company these are my nuts these are no good anymore everything I Actually saved your nuts. They did yeah, and this is a simple saline. This is no good. That can be thrown out.

What is that for? Oh, this is for the fish. For Jeff Fireman, Master of Fish. Can you put the hat on and show it? I'd rather not because I have a headphone on. It would hurt me. And that brings back too many fun memories. This is Bear.

Yeah. What was that for? You get headaches a lot on the show with Sam? I do, yes. I said somebody get me an Anisyn. This is Bear. Yeah. What was that for? You get headaches a lot on the show with Sam? I do, yes. I said somebody get me an Anison. Remember that, Anison? Oh, now.

That bad boy. Oh, little sistine eye drops in case daddy's eyes are dry. Your eyes get dry a lot? Yeah, ever since my assailant. This is a lot of stuff that you need every day. It sure is. This is like an old folks home. I know, I need that stuff.

This is Bucky's. Oh, I love Bucky's. I know. One of the listeners sent it, and it's one of those memories from a listener. So you can throw that out. Just throw it on the ground. There you go.

The Norton, somebody made this for me, which is really nice. It's an eggplant. It's an eggplant, yeah. Whoa, whoa. Hey which is really nice. It's an eggplant. It's an eggplant, yeah. Whoa, whoa. Hey, whoa, whoa, it's like a penis. Don't post this. Throw that out.

You're not going to throw that out? I'm going to throw all of it out. Why? This is just a tray. That's the tray to keep your accoutrements on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I demanded a wood tray in my last contract. They came through big time. Maybe that was the catalyst that put you over the top

It probably was took that out of your contract. They would have gave you what you wanted. I like this This is Natalie Cuomo gave me this it was like a little she would make these little we don't bring her name up on the show Why I don't know I like to throw that in there. Okay, that was a little nice thing. She gave me when she was on our show What else she give you? Oh, I like to throw that in there once in a while. Oh, okay. That was a little nice thing she gave me when she was on our show. What else did she give you? Oh, that was it.

Okay. There you go. These are just more eye drops. I guess I would run out and they would get them. Mm-hmm. You'll have to get them? No, but I mean... Was this like every morning

that you'd have to set this up, right? Well, I didn't need all of it. I think part of it just became a silly... These are all re-wetting drops for a man with dry eyes. I'm not gonna keep these though, because I don't know how old they are, and they've been there for a long time. And this was just a, we didn't have a...

It's a radio bit. This was just a bell. Hey! Is that when you wanted to talk and Sam wasn't paying attention? Yeah, but like... Autism alert, autism alert. Can I have that?

One, two. Hey, Jay. attention yeah but autism alert autism alert can I have that one two hey Jay you're the ring when someone's talking hey I love that finish the story oh this camera can I keep this it's a straw intact yeah why do you want to keep that I'm kidding I know I am too can you stop fucking I like this? It's a straw that's still intact. Yeah. Why do you wanna keep that? I'm kidding. I know, I am too. Can you stop fuckin' I like this shirt, the Edna Faust shirt. What is that? Oh, come on.

I don't listen to your show. Who's Edna Faust? How do you know? This was back on the show I did after Anthony vacated. We had an episode we were watching, and it kind of became this thing. The Ozzy and Jim show.

It was a Dunkin' Donuts commercial. Was he Voldemort? What the fuck? What the fuck? I mean, what the fuck? It was a... Just say his name, Jim. Just say it.

Say it. I was watching, yes, that's it, and Edna Faust we became obsessed with. I it, and Edna Faust, we became obsessed with. I'm obsessed with Edna Faust, was a part of this Dunkin' Donuts, it was like a news story about local Dunkin' Donuts shutting down.

And Edna Faust, she looks like Brian Dennehy and she's my favorite person. I'm gonna miss that place if they don't open up. Yeah, a lot of my friends go in there, get the cold coffee, what ice coffee I guess it's called. Is it Sunday or is it? Pause it right there. Is she so fat that she's squinting?

That's why she's the best though, because she says cold coffee and then she goes, ice coffee I guess is cold. And she was just such a good guesser that I just became obsessed with her. Like the fact that she went from cold coffee and in her mind went what would they call this? And immediately she went ice coffee. Like I just thought like with her. Like the fact that she went from cold coffee and in her mind went, what would they call this? And immediately she went ice coffee.

Like I just thought like, she's just awesome. You're gonna love Edna Faust. Where is she from? Oh, they're Shmokin, Pennsylvania. Shmokin? And no one better. A lot of my friends go in there, get the cold coffee, what ice coffee I guess it's called.

People miss their local hangouts. Who's better than her? That's it. called? People miss their local hangouts. Who's better than her? That's it. She looks like a fucking local fire chief. She's a beauty. She's a beauty. All right, well there you go. Couple of pens.

You got a couple pens, some more straws. What else is in there? I don't remember. Oh, a couple of Sharpies. To sign autographs maybe? In case a celebrity came in. Oh yeah, you're a big autograph guy. Not anymore, unless it's something I want.

Buddy, you fucking freaked me out so bad when we were at the UFC 100 and we got the VIP. Oh, it was fine, yeah. I mean, we had such VIP. Why do you have so many straws? I don't know, I just. I'll tell you why, because you yelled at somebody some day.

I need a fucking straw. Well, I probably did. Yeah. Well. You were the star. I got one, you know. You were the at somebody someday. I need a fucking straw. Well, I probably did. Yeah We remember you UFC 100 and you You you saw something you trying to get autographs we had backstage Yeah at this big event it was but it had a day before like almost like a Comic Con, for fighting, and we got back to where the fighters would take a break and have lunch and get drinks and kind of hang out in between signings. We got back there, and we're hanging out,

and every fighter in the fucking world, the greatest, retired and present were coming through, and Jim was trying to get autographs, but then he saw somebody come in with a glove. And I've never seen, it was like a coke addiction. He went and bought 35 pairs of gloves, UFC gloves, and put them in a bag and had me go up and go, hey, this is Jim Norton, he's on SiriusXM,

he's a stand-up comedian. I didn't ask you to say all that. I didn't give you a list of things to say. I said, Bob, if I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it right. That was my own little thug. I added, and I had to go up and say, hey, can you sign his gloves? And you had every fighter in the world sign UFC gloves.

And then you had... Two gym, though, I don't sell them. I still have them. I still have all of them. But why do you, I don't understand. I don't, because it was fun. I like to display stuff like that. But again in the last few years I've kind of like I just don't anymore at all. It was just a whatever I did it And now the only thing I'll get signed occasionally if it's somebody I want if it's a picture of us together

like I have a great picture with McCartney that I would love to get signed if I ever saw but like You know aside from that. I don't know you love to get signed if I ever saw it. But like, you know, aside from that, I don't. Yeah, you love pictures, man. I do. Those are fun. I'm glad I did it though, because there's a story with most of them. I hate it. I hate... I feel so uncomfortable. Do you?

Yeah, it depends on where I am. Like, I won't just do it now, unless it's somebody I talk to, or if it's somebody that I really like. But now I've seen so many people in the last X amount of years just not. I don't even like doing, when I was at Gary's thing, they do a red carpet or a picture taking thing

in the front for whatever, people who are in the business, and his manager came up to me, I was sitting down, he's like, hey Bobby, did you get your picture? And I'm like, what? He's like, they're doing the pictures up front for promotion, and you should go get your picture. I was like, I'm good. He's like,'re doing the pictures up front for promotion and you should go get your picture I was like I'm good. He's like no It's good for you and your career to be and I was like I'm okay

Because I'll go out there He won't be there and then I'll be standing there and the lady be like yes And I'm like I'm supposed to get my picture taken. Why red carpets are very embarrassing for that reason Where like you you gotta take the picture and they like there's always a publicist going Jim Norton to me They'll tell them who you are. But but again, they take the picture. It's okay I remember when Dane's movie came out I was in it and I waited I was with Jay Davis and I said listen We're not good. We're waiting for the whole line to go through I want to wait till the end and it's just me so that I don't have to get my self-esteem fucked with.

Sure. So Jay was like, I got you. He was good at that Hollywood shit. We pulled up, nobody's there, the whole, all the paparazzi's out front. He's like, hey, guys, this is Robert Kelly. He was in Torgasm, he's in the movie with Jay. Dane's best friend.

They all picked the cameras up, started clicking, and then all of a sudden the lady grabbed me. She goes, come on, go, go, go, go, and you just heard the place go nuts. Eddie Murphy fucking apparently had the same idea, and he came and they fucking pushed me off that red carpet like I was dirt. Did you get to meet Eddie?

No, they wouldn't let me near anybody. I've never met Eddie, I would've said like, Eddie! I'm in the movie chair! No, they fucking just... I remember somebody like fucking, like a football game just pushed me right off like a Heisman right into the fucking theater. Sit tight folks, we're going to take a quick break. Be right back. We're here, you're there.

Jim Norton hosting his own new podcast. Jim Norton can save you. Advice, guests guests up now. Go to that Jim Norton comedy on YouTube or go to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, where you get your podcasts and grab them. And we're gonna take a quick break and be right back. And make sure you check out Jim Norton.

He's gonna be all over the place. Colonial Theater Laconia on February 7th. Newport, Rhode Island on February 8th. After that, he's gonna be in Seattle, Vancouver, Allentown, and Tampa for tickets and all other tour dates. Visit jimnorton.com and check out his awesome podcast with his lovely wife, Nikki Norton. Sword Fight on youtube.com slash at Nikki and Jim NYC

and his other podcast that just came out, Jim Can't Save You, youtube.com slash jimnortoncomedy. Make sure you check it out, we'll be right back with more Cumsies.