The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Ghost Texts & Tummy Time

Episode Date: November 21, 2025

Jacob is interested in getting a hair implant but only from a specific guy in Turkey. | Bob gets disturbing news right as he's about to go onstage. What he finds out later is even crazier. | Jay teaches Bobby about "The Gobbler" and Bob opens up about his gorging problem around Thanksgiving. | Skankfest starts today in New Orleans! *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

and now the bonfire with big j o'cerson and robert kelly dj loo's girlfriend asked him to show him some white music this weekend this one of the ones he pulled out is this soul coughing yes it sure is i don't even know their songs i just know the sound of them this always makes me laugh a guy outside of a comedy club once i believe it was dead crow comedy club are you storytelling right now i am oh it was dead crow comedy club and he was dead crow comedy club and he goes outside he goes so you travel around a lot huh he goes do you ever go to Boston and I go yeah

I've been to Boston a lot he goes he goes have you ever met this girl uh names like you know Stephanie or something he goes she has a soul coughing tattoo right above right next to her pussy I went no I go what is it she's like a comic and he goes

no man she's a slut I agree would have been if you did meet Yeah, Chris, whatever name was. I was like, Kristen, she got a soul coughing tattoo next to her pussy? This is the only fact he gave me? Like, she's a comedian? He's like, oh, man, she's a slut.

Maybe he just would have encountered her in your travels. Kristen, the slut with a soul coughing tattoo next to her pussy. It is so cold, Bobby. I don't know what happened between yesterday and today. Yesterday was freezing.

Yesterday was cold, but it was raining, so it can't be that cold. Yeah Today I came out Snow Yeah Snow Yeah my hands hurt

My nips are so tight Walking over from the car It's just like Let's just get through this I know It's like I feel like I have to Whatever Whatever part of me

That could be Navy SEAL You know what I mean It's a very small part That wouldn't ring the bell I have to muster up And be like I'll make it I got two blocks Well we walk across

You know you go in cross town The walk So you The wind It just just zips right across. You really get out of the car and you're like, here we go. Yeah, it's coming from the river. This is Terminator Timeline, so, like, I have to wear a suit tonight,

so I didn't do my hair or anything because this weather is going to fuck it up. I know. I'm so glad I don't have hair. Really? Yeah, dude. The last five years... Is that what you say all the time of yourself? The last five years in my life, the hair I had had to be done like an old lady from the 50s.

To make it look okay? I had to sleep sitting up. You know what I mean? Like put pillows around me. You know, like old ladies used to get their hair done for like a month. I get my hair, it's like matted and shit. Yeah, like now when we get their hair did. Do you just.

Do you hate this? I wish you were. Am I receding at all? No. No, you're not. What do you mean, damn? Having here now is you can. What are you complaining about?

You get the space wig, dude. You're like, guys, if they had the technology now that they had when I was losing my hair, you just got it. I would have just got it. You would have never known. and I would have these curly locks. Is that a thing, though? What, I'm not beautiful in that?

Wait a minute, stop it. You are already beautiful. Oh, thank you very much. I'm just thinking, no, no. I just say that, hang on, let me correct this, Jacob. You're fucking handsome as shit right now. I like handsome. You would have been beautiful.

It would have been beautiful. Yeah. But I'm handsome. But you're handsome. Got a lot of compliments yesterday. You ever have those days where a lot of girls are fucking saying... It was a good outfit. You got your beard tight.

Yeah, it's tight. First of all, you go back and forth on beer. You do go-tee a lot. I switch it up. I'm... I like the beard. Beard works. I like the beard, but here's the thing with the beard.

Every once in a while, I fuck it up. And the last time I trimmed it and I... You got to go to somebody. I can't. And then all you have to do is keep that shape for a couple weeks. Yeah. And you go back. Right.

But there's nobody... Where do I go? Anywhere where there's ethnic people. When I went to the... Our boy, it was fun. It was nice. It was. You go back to him whenever.

When you come in, when you're way in through the city, you can just stop by and see fucking, Would it be a crime if I forgot his name? Yeah. Come on. Ooh, what was it? Isaiah. Isaiah.

Sexy lips. Sexy-assia. Sexy chest. I'll never forget what he said to me. He goes, you lose a lot of weight, huh? I'm trying. He goes, you was fat. I just took it.

Am I okay now? Do I look good now? Yes, you was so fat. Bobby, I wanted to, because you said something like, do you think it's still a thing? If somebody, do you think people still have to hide getting a hair transplant? Because I wouldn't give a fuck. No, not now.

I would tell everyone. You had to. That was like being gay around 10 years ago. Why don't you get one? Caching. That's expensive. Not in Turkey. It's not.

5,000. I'm not going to turkey. Why not? You hate the Turks. You know my guy. I buy American. You can only go to one guy for this trans. Yeah.

But he's his work is proven to me What's it cost? 15 grand Maybe more now That was the last quote I got That's too much money to get you I mean Exactly

Is it get hair for the rest of your life? Well I mean if you can go If I could go to another country And do it for five grand And then come back But you have to be There are surgeons that do Unbelievable job in Turkey

And ones that you're going to look like an asshole For the rest of your life So you have to find the right one Yeah but it's harder to research. Is it? How? There's so many guys going over there. Lou, type in Best Doctor in Turkey for Hair Transplants. I bet there's

a lot of answers. I bet there's a ton of answers. Let's find out. Jacob, we're going to get your ass a Turkish. I'm not going to turkey. What are you going to do? I'm going to buy a non-refundable ticket. You're going to fuck me over like that? You're going to fuck over your friend, Jay? If we pay for it, you wouldn't do it? What's wrong with my guy? What's wrong with us paying for

it? He's a genius. Yeah, if we're paying for it? You're going to spend a lot. You're going to make us fucking go three times the price? What's wrong with that? Yes. I mean, if you're willing to pay for it, then yes. You're a fucking snob. Wow. You're high. There you go.

Look at his hair. Look at that fucking hair, Jacob. Also, you can't get post-up. That's how good he does. You want to get your penis taken off and get your vagina? You want to go back like the next week, but these, I mean, you saw the return flights. They do the surgery and like the next day you're home. So you have to just hope it goes well.

You don't need a lot. No, go up here. I know. I still have. I want to read that little bar right there with the three, the four things in it. Scroll up, Lou. Right there, yeah. Over 25 years in expertise in hair transplantation.

Europe's leading hair transplant surgeon. He's the leading. Yeah, he says that. World-class team of five-plus expert doctors and the highest medical standards. But look how nice his website is. Me too. I'm the best doctor in Turkey for hair transplants. I don't see your website.

I don't see you have a website. I haven't posted it yet. Well, you don't have an Instagram or anything. That doesn't mean anything. There's no picture of you with glorious hair. Scroll down to his Instagram. Let's see. Oh, there you go.

Look at that, Jacob. Let's see where he was written up. I'm happy with my hair now. Go up. Yeah, what's it say? He's been featured in. Business Insider, Men's Journal, GQ&Squire. I'm sure it's good.

Has your doctor been featured in those? You spent, you know my doctor. You know how brilliant he is. I don't know why you're putting him down. He's not your- you're not your doctor because you haven't been to him he's a doctor he's a doctor that you know that he gives me my prescriptions for what my hair tonic what is it the fucking 1800s oh the dan guy yeah who uses the dan guy then the Justin and Josh guy who uses hair tonic that's the only person

you'd go to why I know another guy in florida but I like this guy I'm where he's right here why wouldn't I go to dan's guy because we're paying for it and you're not dan and you don't make Dan, money. Right. We're helping you. I'm happy with where my hair is now. We have the money. I have to look at it all the time.

I see my old hair and it fucking scares me. Yeah. You got Bobby fucking Law & Order Criminal Intent hair. Yeah, you got lieutenant hair. My hair looks good now. I'm happy with it. You don't want to transplant at all? No, if I had the money, just the money to do it, I would get it.

Why would you change something you're happy with? Why would? I said I'm happy with what I can do right now. I like, I think it looks fine. Well, fine. To the naked eye, I can get away with being like normal, looking normal. No one thinks you're bald at all. That's not the first thing I would think about you when I saw you that you were like losing your hair or anything.

Yep. That's right. We don't have to edit stuff out when they go behind you with the camera in the studio when you're like, that's annoying. No, we do have to do that. Yeah, we can't get certain angles of your hair. I don't allow it. that but you're happy with it yeah but sometimes if my my mic the my headphones will move it and then it'll in the camera it'll look like i have a spot why won't you go from turkey

do you have to think of it in florida flights it's three florida flights i don't want to do i don't want to go to turkey nobody wants to go to turkey but you want hair yeah nobody wants to go to fucking Amsterdam to get prostitutes for free? She's where it's at. I'm loyal to my guy. To what? To my guy. This guy's a knob. Listen, dude, look at that. You could be on that flight

with a bunch of all the ball guys. I'm not going back and doing that flight home. Why? Everyone, that would be the best thing ever. Look at that. All those guys have hair now. Oh, he's bleeding. They're all bleeding. Their heads are all bleeding. Just a bunch of guys bleeding on a plane from their heads. It's the worst. That's disgusting.

They all look like axe wounds to the head. Oh, they all look like a fucking... I'll say what they're all going to have. Lushes hair. Luscious hair. See, I'm an expert on the surgeries that you can... I'm sorry. You want the strip.

Did you just say what? I'm an expert on which surgery to get. Expert? Yes. Expert. As far as determining which one is best for me, yes. Yeah, do you have credentials to be an expert? No, my doctor told me.

Well, now you're saying you're an expert in you. He's not your doctor. Stop calling him your doctor. Why? No, he is actually. He gives him the meds. He gives him the meds to keep him right on the edge before he has to go to Turkey. You can get those meds from anybody.

But I get them from him because he's my doctor. I get them from my doctor. Is it a prescription? Yes, you can't get it without. It's his cocktail. Can I ask you, what do you have to do with it? We should send him to Dr. Galen. I should have the guy from CVS do my sinus surgery.

He's the one that gives me my aphrine. That's true. I have to tell you this. I should tell you this story. So this was, he became my doctor during COVID when we were all remote. And this is when I was panicking, I'm losing my hair, I don't know what to do. It looked shallow to me and I had actually shaved it down almost to nothing when I got to Florida. And he was, I couldn't get to him.

There were no flights. And he said, I'm doing free, because of COVID, I'm doing free virtual consultations. So send me photos. of your hair of your hair line so i had to take the most horrific shots of my head and send it to him and i i've never wanted to like it brought me to tears looking at my can i just say something you're talking to a guy who to take a photo of his black cum on his forearm and send it to a doctor you're talking to a guy who a doctor sat on a stool and played with my fucking dick fat to show me how it would look better if he sucked it out yeah did

you're talking to these are the two wrong guys i still have to make pictures of your head Yeah. Cheapers, creepers. Try taking black cum shots. Yeah, but when you think this is the end, you can see like a horseshoe or something. You didn't think I think I was dying? I had cancer. You didn't get confirmed by a doctor that my dick looks little because of my stupid fat around it?

You are your comics. You have a sense of humor about life. You have a sense of humor about life. I don't. Not in that moment. I didn't have a sense of humor. I was like, let me get out of here. You thought to blow a load on your arm and just take a quick shot of it and text it to him.

First of all, I was very happy that I blew a load onto my forearm, which is amazing. And then when I looked down and it was pitch black, and then I Google black jizz, cancer. You hit oil. Cancer? Yeah, dude, I was panicking. Now the government's going to come and try to buy up that land. Or I'm going to move to Beverly Hills. I mean, my nephew's work.

Hills, that is. Hair transplants. And movie stars. Movie stars. My nephews were laughing so hard of the pictures because it looked so sad. But then the doctor emailed me back, great photos. He was impressed with my professionalism, with the lighting. He wanted to tell me how much he appreciated the good lighting.

My doctor said the same thing, by the way. He was like, great photos of your black jays. Now, that was nice. And your framing is fantastic. It does make you feel good when the doctor compliments you. Then he said, if me and Bobby pay, could we go, if we pay for it in New Orleans this week, which we are in right now, Terminator timelines. Yeah. Maybe.

Yeah, depending if the flights went out, we're out there. Maybe we can get you like a cursed, like, transplant or wig where it's like when you put it on it, never stops growing. Yeah. It's like you think it's what you want, but it's like the actual other side. When it actually grows back, it's like a fucking creepy cat that just lives on your head. It just does something. Yeah, it makes you kill. It makes you kill at night

But it gives you powers You can crawl up walls and shit But you can never die And at first that seems great But after a while it's quite a burden Yeah All because you Hate your own hair

You just wind up going On different variations Of the bonfire For the next 200 years I love my hair Oh I'm sorry I'm that DJ Lou hates your hair He hates it

I could take it or leave it Oh Jacob does have a good face though For a shaved head Which is he is lucky for that He thinks he doesn't but he actually does. No, you do.

You do. You need a little facial hair for sure. No, it didn't look good. You're wrong. He has Frank Sinatra hair before he threw the wig on. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Yeah, pull up Frank Sinatra or young Frank Sinatra.

He had the same haircut before he flopped it. Why don't you get a wig, do? Why don't you rock a wig? You know I don't need it, Bobby. A wig? This is you projecting, and this is just the same as the height. Jacob? No, Bobby's over his hair.

No, no, but this is the height. No, no, not then. So that's, yes, that is how I look. That's not how you look. Yes, that's how I look. A little further along. Yeah, type in 38-year-old Frank Sinatra. And that's Jacob's hair.

Dooby-Doo. Hey, is it windy outside? Should I put some extra tape on my stuff? Well, I've fixed my hair up. I don't try to, I don't swoop or anything. This is what it is. I used to swoop. I swooped a lot.

There you go. I do not. I would say Frank Sinatra is in Norbert, 4 there. Over to the left. Over to the left. Right there. you are that's a norbert four i would say i'm a norbert two and a half to three i don't know what that means what does that mean that's that's that like that's that's a space cadet that's the baldness scale

no dude i could push some of that hair on the side back if we took a comb right now and what brush your hair all the way back go back yeah right in there there there you go brush this no not don't be so gingerly what am i doing what does he what does he decides the corners you knock out your spray hair yeah spray hair push all that back push it all back push it all back Really hard, though. There you go. What? And that he has Frank Snottra, Harry, trying to prove?

A little bit. I think you just need a little, you need a little bit. I know. My doctor said, you can look, he recommended the smallest amount of follicular replacement. Because I have such great density and a small head, so he doesn't have to use as much. Yeah. I mean, that's what it is. I'm not bragging.

I'm just saying what he said. They can't figure that out in Turkey? I'm sure they could, but I'm getting the strip taken out. I heard Justin pays that doctor. He accepts naked pictures of Justin. I'll send you three dick pics and a picture of me spreading bong haul. He's got such a nice piece. Justin?

Yeah, that photo you sent me? Yeah. Good ass too. Yeah, I didn't see his ass, but. Guy's bumping. He is bumping. He has a big penis. Big penis.

It's nice penis. I don't know if it's big because he's small. Yeah, I don't know how big it is, but like it looks big on him. I mean, it looks big. If you put it on me, though, it might be just regular. Like, if you put his cock on me and Jay, it might be just a regular dick. He might have the same dick as Justin. Everything around that's different.

So different. So, so different. Yeah. I go, well, maybe. Maybe it's perspective. I think it's just down. And last time he was here, he had a picture of his penis on his phone. Yeah, I have it.

He said, this is what I send to people. No, no, no, no. I have a picture of his penis on my phone. when he needs it to send to somebody he asks me to send it back to him you doubt me I'm trying to fuck Justin stepping all over Lou today does not care about my beautiful drops

no I tried to shut up while I heard it you want to play it again Lou or play it again Lou no the moment's gone we do have some testimonials from the Turkish guy from the Turkish guy look at that guy in the middle he won't do black guy people, Jacob, that's going to excite you.

Let you just let that black guy bald. We don't know that, though. He might appear in the video with his shit. Unless he just got the sides then. Black guys can only do the sides. Here we go. He's going in. Oh, man, his hair

is, oh, God, that's bad. Wow. Jacob, this guy's got hair just like you. I mean, the shape, the shape, why. hair transplant oh it's a little curly ew he just puts him on his fucking hand yeah and shoots him back in he just plucks him out individually and plucks him in oh get two words at yeah this is i don't like when they don't show you the whole thing can i say something a lot of people the big the big

surgery now is f ue where they just pluck from a whole area yeah get the strip. The strip, you harvest more hair. Here's the problem with the strip, though. If you get the strip, I believe Rogan got the strip, and now he has just a scar on the back of his head. Right, but that was a long time ago, and he didn't have a good surgeon.

You can't even see the strip if it's a good surgeon. You're saying Joe Rogan didn't get the best surgeon? He got a shitting surgeon. I think it's a long time ago. Right. That's exactly what I'm saying. Before we had a bunch of money. You said F-U-E, Jacob? You want F-U-T.

F-U-E is very popular. You want a fut? I want to, I'm getting a foot. I'm getting the foot. That's what I cut. Why not the few? Like I said, it doesn't, it leaves the back of your head shallow and it doesn't harvest as much hair. You lose more hair at follicles.

So you want the fut. Yes. I'll give you a foot. I'll put a foot in your ass. That's why you have to go to my guy because he. I want you to have a hairy asshole. Hang on, Jake. Jay's being silly.

I'm fudding your ass. I was trying to get the foot thing going and Jay, Jay got it going. You're about to get butt futted. I want to suck you foot All right So the strip's the way to play People are terrified of the strip But my guy

Why they terrified? Because they think Everyone's going to have this big line But the line is You go to my guy Did Dan get the foot? Why am I supposed to say? Does he care?

I mean he... Dan? Everyone knows he got it. What difference does it make to him? I don't know if he Is he sensitive about His foot? His foot over the other?

Over a few? I don't think. Why would you be sensitive of a few of foot. He got the foot. He got the foot? Yeah. That's why he'd get in the foot.

And his hair looks fantastic. That's what it is. Looks futttastic. So now you got to go get it. It doesn't look futtastic. It's Dan's guy. He's your guy. He's your guy.

He's not just my guy. He's a lot of people's guy. Is he people that we know guy? Justin and Josh. You're very close. Yes. You know a lot of those people. I know a lot of them?

I think he's basically the Allen of hair. Surgeons. You're walking in and people you know are walking out. They talk comedy, yes. Who else? Mateo. Mateo got the fut. He got the fut because of me. Really?

Yeah, because we were at the cellar during the pandemic and he said something to me, fuck aren't me? I go, dude, let me tell you something. If you gain nine pounds and you don't take care of that fucking hair on your head, you're finished. I made it like this. I was like 360 bald. I'm sitting right next to you like.

this i'm not going anywhere i go nine pounds and your hair you're going to take care of that hair you're done in this business i think he went to turkey he came back after you got to see he goes bobby i want to thank you i'm like for what he goes because of that insult you gave me i got my hair done and i've been in the gym all the time did you uh did he go to turkey i think he he no he went here he has money sure he had money i think he went here i don't know though but i can't tell you that did you go we can get to go fund me to get you to get you you to your guy we can get the 15 grand i do believe that but you got to be willing to give something what will you do for like a 500 dollar donation what do you do a dick pick how about this no one

you have to get the fut from me and jay's bush fat the hair on your head has to be from our my dick hair no yeah it has to be our dick hair i don't you have to take rejection pills why why because it's a foreign it's your bush hair in my in my my my my scalp is interchangeable with your head hair dude are you'd have curly hair you have curly hair you have to It's like a liver. Somebody else's liver. If they took a picture to top of your head right now, am I above my dick hair?

Nobody would ever know what they were looking at. Yeah, you could put your nose on his dick and it would look like you. You don't put your nose in my dick and see? Yeah. Would it be very coarse also? Jacob, before we run away from this, do you have any interest in putting your nose on it?

I sure do. Yeah. So you could take your bush fat and put it on your hair because it's from you. My bush hair, I guess, yeah. Yeah, you could. Only thing they strip straight down your ass crack hair and make use that strip. By the way, when they're done with, they've harvested all the hair they can take from the donor area in the back of your head and the side.

From the foot area? Like, guys with a lot of money will take their beard hair next and then their chest hair, arm hair. They'll take off every part of their body. Has anybody ever taken it from their, from their foot? I mean, I don't think they've bragged about it as they have. It's not about the strips. it's it's how much hair density you have gotcha yeah you can't do it all it's stupid to do it all at once too really so you want to basically you can only get so much you can only cover 25% of what you've

lost if you're completely gone on top you could only there's only enough hair in the back of your head to fill in the very front okay can we if we can't do your whole top of your head where you get the bonfire logo in hair fucking top of the fire right of your back it would probably work let's get away from hair if we pay for it will you get a bonfire tattoo on your lower back like a tramp stamp of the bonfire is your only tattoo actually not on your lower back i want it right near your pussy like that's slut from boston oh yeah like fucking uh like christin a soul coughing pig from boston soul coffee pig what if she calls in the show one day she goes yo i'm i have a soul coughing teddy my pussy my name's christin what a great

Fucking description of a chick. Her name's Kristen. She has a soul coughing tattoo next to her pussy. I did the thing last night for Joe List at the Gramacy. Joe List Man. The year was a part of New York Comedy Festival. Were you right?

Yeah, dude, it was just a show. It was just a... I thought it was... I thought he won an award. I thought he got some thing. When they presented it to me, what's her name from the stand? The GM there, what's her name?

I don't know. You work there all the time. What's the hot chick that runs the stand? Adele? Adele. I got you. Adele was like hey we're doing this thing man of the year for Joe we'd love you to be part of it I was like oh absolutely he won an award it's just a show he didn't win anything they just named the show man of the year and then oh it's just a stand-up show it was just me doing a set everybody just did a set yeah I was Dan was there Dan went up first Katie was there um Mark Mark Norman uh Sam Sarah Sarah wasn't even on the show which is hilarious they have to put her on the show.

Wow. They didn't put her on the show. He had to go, what about Sarah? And they're like, oh, yeah, put her on the show too. Who else stopped by? Louis C.K. stopped by. Nice. He was back.

This is the, this happened to me last night, and it fucked me up. I'm still fucked up about it. You can contribute to Joe Liss? No, not that. I showed up for that, and it was great. 6 p.m. show. Mother F. 7. It was 7. It was a 7 o'clock show.

Says six. Yeah, it's not. They showed up at six. The show started at seven. But I show up, and I'm like, everybody's in the green room. It's packed. Hey, what's up? Hey, hey, you know, what are you doing, whatever?

And then I'm on next after Sarah. They had me up last, and I was like, no, I've already been through this. I'm going up third. That's my new thing. Isn't Joe supposed to be last? He goes up at the end, but I was last of all the comics. Because all the comics picked their little spots. Like, I'll go here and I'll go there.

I'm always, oh, we'll just throw him up. And I was like, no, I'm going up right. I'm going up third. Fuck that. I want to get out of here. I'm going to go home. And I show up saying hi to everybody. And then I go in the hallway, and Chris Italia was out in the hallway.

And he's like, hey. Do you want to be, you know, most want to ask you guys, maybe, you know, do you go home and you're at the end of the other? Exactly. I don't want, it sounds like he's constantly in a CPAP machine. I just like Talk to you about this before You don't talk to you about this before You don't talk to you about before

So I go on the hallway And he's like Hey hey you know You know Jerry Rocha I'm like yeah I love Jerry Rocha I just I've known a fear

He's a great friend of mine He just Houston I believe he's from Texas L.A. California for the last 15 years He's a man Hope guy for a while

He used to, yeah, he used to open it for Mike DiStefano. He was a great guy. Very nice guy. I love him. I just, I was in San Diego at Mike Drop. He came down just to hang. We're hanging out talking. He had cancer and he beat it.

And he's telling me how great everything is and he beat it and everything's going great. Did a set, killed it. We hung out, smoked cigars. I mean, I love this guy. One of the sweetest guys in the business. And I go, yeah, I know him. I love that guy. I just talked to him.

to him this year you hung out and he goes yeah he's dead and i'm like she didn't know in fairness she didn't know i'm like what he's like yeah he died i'm like what in the fuck would you tell me that 10 minutes before i'm going up next you fat tub of shit what i don't know the information why would i want why would i want to know that now i don't know bobby just came as in my head you You just told me a friend of mine who I love fucking died. I got to go do stand-up now. I die.

I did my best. What the fuck? You fat fuck? Have you tried the fool at the club? That was good. I was so funny. I'm literally like he survived. I just hung with him.

He beat it. And this guy tells me he's dead. And then the guy goes, like, Bobby, you're going up next? I'm like, and I'm like, and I got to go on stage and all I don't process death great I just don't I it fucking

it hammers me inside I don't know how to I don't know how to I think because if I do you know if I let it sink in I'll fucking like all the pain of my life will come out You heard what happened to Patrice though right

What? Gone What are you kidding? What fuck is wrong are you do We're in the middle of a show You didn't know that? It was in the hospital. Better part of...

No, I do know that. Fourteen years ago. I do know that. I mean, even that one, when I went to visit Patrice in the hospital. And I, you know, he's dying. I just, I don't know, like on the bus ride. I just didn't know how to... It hits me and stays in my chest like a fucking thousand pounds.

You know about Keith, right? Yeah, he had two strokes. Still kicking. Yeah, he's still kicking. Terrible news. Terrible news. Just hearing him, ah, ha. You can't make him laugh too hard anymore because he'll just cough for 18 minutes.

It's got to be funny to watch him eat, though, right? In one side out the other? I was pretty much as nurse next to him. Do you want some of this? Yeah, put it on the plate. Okay. I'd make him drinking a straw so it falls out of the right side. Suck with your left and then fall out of the right.

So then I'm literally on stage and my brain is fucked. I'm just thinking. I just saw the guy this year. Damn, dude. And I'm on stage. And remember you said, like, I'm going to get back? to people, we'll do some shows together, and you never did. You never reached out to him about those shows.

I didn't say that. Oh, my God, dude. I didn't say that. He died waiting for your phone call. No. So, he did not. The last time, no, the last text we had was a beautiful text. Great seeing you.

I love you. You know, I love you, too, man. It was great seeing you. We got to hang out next time I'm in California. Absolutely terrible. And then I'm on stage. And you were like, I know you meant to answer it eventually. I, no, that's not true.

Our last text was very nice, and there was no commitments. There was no, hey, man, I'd love to have the bonfire or come on white. There was none of that. Oh, I didn't even bring that up. That means you definitely promised. I'll go, dude, come to New York Spel. I'll bring you through the run, dude. I'll talk to Legion of Skanks about getting you on.

And he's like, oh, this might be it, dude. I beat cancer, and now I'm back. So, no, that didn't happen. It did not happen. Well, it definitely not going to happen. Now, it can't happen now. And that's it. Don't you wish you would have went through this with him while he was still here?

So I'm on stage. I literally went. I literally had to stop and go, look, I just was told one of my, I go, the fucking piece of shit from the stand just told me my fucking friend died before I walked on stuff. And then I'm pretty rattled. I did my set. It went well. It was great. I said good night and I come off.

And everybody's, you know, when everybody, nobody cares, everybody's having a great time laughing and giggling and backstage. And Bobby and Mom call her you on stage, she's sick. And of course, Louis's going up so the whole fucking green room comes up. I hate that too, by the way. You know, I have Sarah and Joe upstairs. Barely watching talking too loud during your set. Yeah, and then as soon as Louis makes a move, people follow him like fucking birds.

Oh, Mr. Dut-to-Doo. and uh so i come off stage and i'm i'm kind of rattle i i look at my phone and yeah i look at my phone yeah and i get a text from jerry oh my god hang on lower the lights i didn't know this was going to be a spooky story you contacted him through your phone buddy he sends me this text from him about hey listen man i'm sorry i'm not going to make it you know i'm not going to read it but i'm not going to make it my doctors told me this i just want to call you text you and say that i love you man and you know you've always been a comedy you know inspiration to me and i'm glad we got to spend time together blah blah blah now i'm fucked because i don't did he send this before he

died and had it oh did somebody just send this to me but they knew Bobby it means your love for him was real and he said I'm honored to call you as a friend and I'm I'm now I'm fuck I'm just I right back the word ditto right back ditto I went they respond to that I wrote Bobby yeah the love inside you take it with you it it freaked me out and I'm saying no Let that sink in. Oh, I can't. I can't. I told you.

You're not with you. I don't know how to deal with death. I think I see him glowing behind you. He's with you. Oh, no, he's a malevolent spirit, Bobby. He wants to kill. Bobby, he's got bloodlust. Bobby, I know it's your friend, but you've got to put him down.

Move out of the way. I got to light him up. Light him up. Straight to hell, Jerry Rocha. Straight to hell. So I text him back. In my brain, I'm like, maybe this is his family. Maybe he sent this before he passed away.

Maybe there's a cell tower in heaven. Maybe this is a cell tower in heaven. Maybe T-Mobile has a heaven cell tower. It's everywhere now. It's the largest 5G network. So I'm like, I text him back, you know, hey man, you know, whatever. I love you and be at peace. You text it back to someone that you.

We're told it was dead already Yeah, because I don't I didn't know what to do So I texted him back I did yes I texted him back What I And the text just came through last night After Chris Italia text you

Chris tells me he's dead I'm fucked up I do my set I walk off stage And I get this text message from him Do you say great set? Did you burn the stage You burned it down.

I burned it down. This show really needed you. It did. That show is going haywire until you saved the day. Especially after that girl they didn't want on the show and up. Especially. And you had to go after What's Her Face. It was a last minute ad.

It's shitty to her. So I sent this text back to him. And, you know, you know, you know, so. Glory and safety in God's arms. Well, it's hard to send that text back because you don't know who you're sending it to or what and you i don't want to i wrote you know i i i tried to write what i thought i would want written to me you know or whatever or if if his family read it you wrote you it's that a mexican name i think it's i think it's spanish i think he is spanish and i i wrote

i can read you what i wrote back if you want please i love you buddy but put the cries in that you did when you were writing it i didn't cry that's the thing it just sits in my chest like a brick. Okay. Because if I feel like if I do start to cry about it, all the stuff's going to come out. Okay. And I don't, I have too many flights to take in the next week. Yeah, yeah.

I have too many comedy shows to let it out because if it led it, I'm not going to be able to go to Skank Fest. I'll just be a blubbering in the cigar lounge crying. We handle the road differently. Me, when I land, I start picturing in my mind what the burden's going to be if my body has to be shipped back from this place. I go, God forbid I died Salt Lake, dude. What does that cost to fucking bring a fat body back in a carcass, in a case?

That's so fucking sad. Every flight, when I go, the beginning of the flight, I start thinking I go, if I die on this plane or this trip, what's the legacy and what's the pain in the ass getting me back? Once I'm on the plane home, I'm like, now it'd be a good time to die. Right. They're good delivery right to my house. You can fly right into Newark. Bring it right in.

dude what's that fucking 1500 bucks to get your carcass back tops tops probably a complimentary trip to the morgue if I'm being honest yeah so you do to leave me to the airport doubtful so I wrote I love you buddy be at peace I will say a prayer for you tonight now you have to watch over all of us until we meet again I love you here's the problem he responds okay now I'm fucked up. He just meant he wasn't going to make the TD Bank show. Bobby, I'm not going to make it.

Sorry, man. Some shit came up. I know. I know it came up. The end of your life. Your time was up. He responds. I'm like, this is fucking crazy.

Sorry, my pizza guy. My pizza just got delivered. Sorry to me. He's still on the way back. I'm wondering, is this his... Now, he's dead. Chris told me he died. I mean, Chris is never wrong about anything.

One thing I'll say by that guy. If he says it, it's law. So now I'm like, is this his family or somebody taking it too far? You know what I mean? Like, you said your thing. Somebody just came in and just became like, I'm going to be Jerry Roacher, though. So I respond to him. And I say some beautiful stuff.

I won't get into it. Isn't heaven made a candy? No, I didn't say that. Are there black people there? I didn't say that. I didn't say that. Are you in a Mexican heaven? Is it different?

So I respond to... Okay. Okay. It sounds like it's Mexican heaven up there. Okay. Nice. Now, are those... Are those just regular old chickens and roosters?

Or are those heaven rooster? Like, are they ones that did good on Earth? Or do they just have their own... Jerry, if you're listening. This is so funny. Jerry. Jerry. Oh, no.

The chicken... I can't hear the chickens anymore. Oh, no. I'm losing him. I'm losing signal. You have to do it in Spanish. Oh, sorry. El Chikinos.

El Burro. It's Pollo. It's Pollo. Pollo. Oh, Pollo, my loco. No, that's a restaurant. Pollo. El Pollo.

Hermanos. Poyos. So I send him something back. I send him a, you know, something I would think back. Bobby, can you van Mow me three grand? He responds again. he wasn't dead he was dying

he wasn't dead he was dying or they're like saying the doctor's saying look I don't think you're going to make it he's kind of saying his goodbyes to people this fucking fat tub of shit that's incredible he died

it's like unbelievable to me that you would pass along information that you aren't sure of to a friend of somebody just before they're going on stage that is false he's alive well he was living at that time

he's dead now I don't know I mean I said all the stuff I got to say I don't have any more to say I don't know what else to write I mean that was beautiful dude I'm a friend I don't know Bobby here's the part of this he's a comic and he's a dirty car I remember Jerry yes very funny guy

he would think it's funny if after all that beautiful stuff and having a real firm goodbye You'd be like, man, what a boring-ass Monday night football game last night. Just like a benign, anything? Here's what... Or just said up a picture, like, do these shoes look good or are these people who look gay? But here's what bummed me out. He wrote me back again, and at the end of it, he wrote, hey, I lost Bill Burr's number.

Would you mind passing it along? And I was like, he wants his last words to be with a more famous comedian. Did you give him his number? I immediately just texted it. Did you really? Yes. Damn, I'm going to start saying the people. I'll be like, hey, I'm trying to put my house in order.

Can somebody get me Kevin Hart's number? I used to have it until I... It's not the same one now anymore. I remember I thought I didn't have it and I did? He just didn't answer. Yeah. I go, well, he changed phones clearly. Nope.

I want to give a shout out to a very funny, hilarious and also great guy, Jerry Rocha. He lived here for a minute in New York. He was hilarious, funny. He had a great YouTube Facebook page. He did a bunch of silly stuff with video games and, you know, I mean, one of my favorite people to work on the road he was fucking solid guy man he was he's he and i don't know he is maybe he's still alive but if you're listening here or up there oh shit i forgot terminator timelines it's thursday he's dead he's dead jesus jay jay what that's the problem with doing that turning

timeline i mean he does have a point shut up jay got you have a point yeah oh So I guess what we'll say is rest in peace or congratulations with your miraculous recovery. It's a miracle. Either way, let's be prepared for both. I don't, I mean. Lou, you can cut this later, right? And just make it something

we got the one, like the right one? Jerry, congratulations on your unbelievable recovery. Can you go and see if they wrote anything about him? I prayed to Jewish God. Bobby prayed to the other one. I prayed to AA God. Yeah, yeah. Now the other one?

Huh? Now the, sorry. Oh, shit. Sorry goes to the general. very and his family my condolences you're going to be sorely missed yeah you were a hilarious guy and most importantly a great guy great guy goodbye funny man jesus goodbye now go on that big top in the sky what if i keep still keeping in text from him i hope he stays in touch with you in the in the nether world yeah nether the nether yeah i hope that he because i think he's gonna be now he's

be in between i think no i'd like him to haunt you until you can help correct whatever he left behind his unfinished business i don't think he had no kids he didn't have anything like that he was just a funny guy make god laugh yeah he's making a god laugh now i hope i'm up there with he might have a face richard jenny a purple chris farley don't forget robin williams old redneck on robin williams just fucking swinging with his wang in his hand A thin John Panette, I'd like to think. A thin John Panette. I think you stay fat in heaven.

I don't think they judge you in heaven. They don't judge you. You're still fat in heaven, but you move light as air, and women aren't not attracted to fat out there. And they give you smaller wings. They give you very itty bitty wings. All the women, the most beautiful women, are completely still attracted to the fattest and ugliest guys,

but no ugly chicks in heaven. No. It's all inner beauty in heaven. No, no, no, not for the chicks. I won't allow that. No. I'm not going to have some good personality fat so wings can't get her off the ground. It's not the heaven.

That's not my heaven. Yeah. My heaven's fat John Panette and me crushing pussy. Yeah. And all the pussy smells like bubble gum. Oh, the pussy smells like bubble gum. There's no pussy smell up there. It's all bubble gums.

God, this is probably helping people. Yeah. Jerry. Jerry, if you're listening, whether that's on a race, radio or in this room right now. We love you and we miss you, bud. I love you, buddy. And if you're still alive, thank God, I don't miss you yet.

Is he? I don't see any death dates on things that I'm searching. So he must be still alive. Nice. Should we get his last interview? Get him on the horn. No, he can't breathe. He's in the, he's connected to the tubes.

Do you think if we call his phone is going to fuck the computers out? I don't want to fuck. Whoever's in the room. I don't know. It might be the last moment. It might be the last minutes. And then the phone comes on. Hey, dude, can you call into the bonfire 866?

How great would that be? If you were there, he was like, I think I see a light. And then we're like telling the go. Like, we're go. We send them into the, we send them off right. It does. It does say a lot about a personality to say, to give you that information that Chris did. Like, I'm probably right.

I mean, I tell you this. If I, if I, if I was aware of my, of my, of my. last hours alive, I would definitely call on the show. Yeah, I would expect that from you, and I would do the same thing. I call the show, I go, I go, it's getting weird. I think I can't feel anything. I'm seeing things, but it can't be real. You're going to be like, who is it?

And I go, it's young Pam Anderson. She's still alive. I go, I know, I'm just thinking about stuff and getting hard. I don't want to show up to heaven with my soft dingy. That would suck if you go to heaven, and you, You're naked, everybody's naked, as is. Oh, my God. That's just embarrassing.

What a nightmare. I'd open up a restaurant called tummy time, so everybody gets to lay on their bellies when they eat. You know, and looks at my little wiener. Everybody, everybody's just on their stomach. Everyone's on their tummies, so our tussies are in the air. But you have to get, they have little carts on little railroad track. You have to get on the cart outside in, like, a dressing room area.

And then they wheel you in to your table. And then they pick you up like a corpse. They grab the blanket. underneath you or the sheet underneath you and transport you on to the your seat your seat which is a little bed like a firm bed yeah with tummy time with a couple of pillows for underneath your armpits that sounds like a great restaurant now tummy time the restaurant oh god is there any group of people that eat on their tummy is that must be like a thing i say fat people in hotel rooms although i was talking to another fat comedian using in his hotel room the beds always get

fucked up because he's an Indian style crisscross applesauce eater on the bed if I'm sitting up to eat I'm gonna sit in the chair I used to sit up to eat on the bed but I would prop the pillows up sit up and then I put a towel the big towel

over my stomach and use my stomach as a napkin slash table when I was fat man that's fucking did you did you ever get a looking yourself like in one of the mirrors the room and think like you should kill yourself considerables oh oh i mean on a weekly basis okay all right yeah i mean when you look at the

towel after like decisions like that like when you just get the complete given sell out to a fucking thing about yourself it's just like awful is to be so bad like and i've gotten plenty of my life i'm like yeah you got to put the belt under the belly line or i'm gonna get a little bit of a rub mark yeah yeah i remember looking at towels after and it looked like just just just stained with sauces and duck sauce and soy sauce. Oh, in the hotel room? Yeah. Oh, I definitely.

I do. I do tummy time, but I put a towel down under the food. So there is one towel in my room always. It's going to have like ketchup. Yeah, like a murder. Soy sauce for sure. Looks like a shit murder. Yeah.

Well, also the healthier you try to eat, like the worst, the fucking thing is going to look because it's like, like, sushi. I've done sushi for it, and you're like, exactly. It's going to be fucking soy sauce. Soy sauce. wasabi drag across the fucking pillowcase You know what I do I take all the towels

I take the food towel that I used With the stains The weird stains on it You can't Some maid is gonna have to figure out a crime scene Oh yeah It's probably gonna throw it out I wrap them all up in

The towels together Because I know she's just gonna come in I take all the towels Put them in a corner Wrap them all together So she just comes in She has to grab one big batch of towels The, which is so hilarious, the unadult, the, my favorite unadult thing that I do in hotels is I take, as soon as I get in the hotel room, I take one towel still, like a teenager, believe this is the case.

I wet, I wet it, like in long ways. Yeah. Like I fold in half twice, long ways. Yeah. And then wet it on the edge. Yeah. Put it under the door in front of the door frames. I still believe that's what makes weed smoke stay in the room.

And then at the end of the weekend, uh, my last thing before I leave the room. always is to grab that towel and unfurl it and like throw it on the floor of the bathroom like messy so it doesn't look like it was being like used for that it's always my last move yeah there's a kick a towel and then the uh but i do the same thing with anyone's got food stuff on it that's getting wrapped in the in the one that's good all my jizz towels get moved i do a do a facecloth jiz guy or the the little tiny square hand towel like do you do that the the long face cloth hand towel or do you do the face cloth? Now, I like, I finish, and then I, like, use my hand around my wiener to, like, squeegee the last little bit out of the hole.

And then I go to the, get up and go around to the bathroom and just tissue paper. Oh, you just tissue paper. Yeah, and, you know, you could also, like, rinse it in the sink after that. I like the long towel. I wet a quarter of it because I like to have that part clean up the stuff. No, I get rid of, I get my D.A. out of that room. I don't leave it on all the stuff. No, I leave it.

I know. That's why you've been many crimes coming your way, buddy. A lot of people are pitting stuff on you. Well, that's why I left my hand towel on your doorknob and you grabbed it. You're such an ass. I didn't grab it. Joe the Rosa grabbed it. I knew what you were doing.

He didn't know you well enough yet. I'm like, that's definitely a cum towel. And he goes, no. And he just called us laughing. No culture primarily eats while lying completely on their tummy. Today, we're his proan position. I'm not going to call it that. I'm not going to say that I spend time in prone position.

That's where girls to get fucked in. that's what that means prone bone the practice is widely considered impractical for eating a meal and it is generally not good for digestion however the ancient Greeks and Romans

which I do compare myself in a lot of ways to of the upper classes thank you famously ate while reclining on couch is propped up on one elbow no no

they used to have the what is that thing called the goratorium or what was it called where they would just just eat until they puked vomatorium? Vormatorium, yeah. That's interesting. I wish they still had those around. Why?

That'd be fun to just go to one night and just eat until you throw up into a bucket. I mean, I've done it anyways. Have you eaten until you thrown up? Buddy, I've never thrown up. You've thrown up from overeating? I've eaten so much that I didn't throw up like that, but I threw up in the middle of the night

like while I was sleeping, like threw up in my mouth, like, because I had too much. I just ate too much. Wow. Yeah, it's gross. John Bonham with food, though. Throwing up food while you're sleeping.

Food is my drug of choice for a minute. I mean, for a long time. When I... You see Bobby snored a hamburger? I mean, it's dangerous. You're vomiting in your sleep food. It's crazy. Oh, no big deal.

So what? The guy mainlined fucking hot mustard sauce? A lot of thanksgivings. I'd wake up in the middle of the night, just... Oh, God. Because my Thanksgiving thing, I would eat, I would eat, I'd wake up, get the turkey liver, fried up in the pan with some butter and onions, and then get a fried egg and put that, and I'd eat that for breakfast.

There's a weight limit at this party. And then we'd go into the snack portion, which he stopped putting out the chips in the onion dip and the chakouterie, eat that, and then dinner came. And I'd always have two servings of everything. and then I'd wait till everybody left and I always got Italian bread and I would make a turkey sandwich with turkey stuffing cranberry sauce It's called a cobbler

And we never asked you about like holiday eating That's crazy Holiday eating for me But I always have a bag of chips So I would have a sandwich And everybody be in bed And I would watch a movie With my turkey sandwich

My what did you call it a gobbler My Gawler That's what Wawa calls it, with the stuffing and cranberry sauce. It had to be Italian bread, though. I always got Italian bread because I like that. Yeah, that's what they do, the gobbler on. My, after Thanksgiving turkey meal that I love is, strangely, I do four slices of bread, open, a little bit of mayo on the bread, turkey, white meat turkey, exclusively. I'm black meat.

And then, it's called dark meat. And then it's a... Well, it's the tastiest meat. I mean, you got that clean. Come black meat. Bobby Kelly is in New Orleans right now. It's Gangfest. Come, smoke a cigar with them.

Everyone's welcome in the cigar lounge. No, no. Oh, sorry, nobody. Nobody's welcome in the cigar. Artists only. And only artists who smoke cigars. Well, I mean, of course. Only white artists who smoke cigars.

Lou, you can go. But he's not an artist. He is. He's in our show. He's a dick artist. Christine gives us crew badges. Huh? Not talent badges.

You get a crew badge? Yeah. Even though I I guess not to her Wow That's fucking nuts After that Bobby's going to be At the comedy connection

In Providence Road Island November 21st and 22nd And Uncle Vinnie's in Point Pleasant New Jersey December 5th and 6th For tickets and all the tour dates Go to punchup dot live Slash Robert Kelly

And Big J is going to be Of course at Skankfest Because he owns a part of Skankfest Right? This much It's enough the paper parking this week And then he's going to be in Salt Lake City for tickets and all the tour day. It's bigjaycom.com and go to YouTube.com slash at BigJ.

Ocerson for his lives and his specials, them, they, and everything's up there. And one more shout out to Jerry Rocha. Shout to the late or still with us, Jerry Rocha. It's, God. I hope he's right now rocking out with Jimmy Hendricks or at home listening to Jimmy Hendricks. Either way, I'd like to think Jimmy Hendricks is involved We're out of here We'll see you guys next week

No, no, no, no, no, we're off next week After SkangFest, we'll have to recover We're going to be dead So we'll be back in a week Right back Monday Yes. Fresh All healed up Healed up

Bobby will be back from Canada Yep, going to Canada and then Rhode Island Our Skangfest show will air The Thursday the week we get back So yes, make sure you go see me and Bobby And Providence Oh no Wednesday, sorry Providence and make sure you come see me in Salt Lake City.

Yeah. After that's Thanksgiving weekend. I'll be in Philly. You know that. We'll catch you guys then. Enjoy your week. Go birds. Enjoy Sankfest.

Go birds. Go Sixers. Go Patriots. Go Celtics and Bruins. Not tonight, though. Not go Celtics tonight. Oh, it already happened. That's happening on the live show.

Bye.