The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Ham Party

Episode Date: May 23, 2023

What's a Ham Party? DJ Lou knows....

Hey everybody, I'm Bobby Kelly. And it's Big J. Okerson. We're actually a full radio show on Series XM, not just the podcast. Hey, guess what? For full episodes of The Bond Fire, you can listen on the Series XM app. Go to seriesexm.com slash Bond Fire for a special offer. And now, The Bond Fire with Big. Olkerson and Robert Kelly. Introducing the perfect travel companion. The leather scroll made with fine Italian waterproof leather.

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Order your Jacob Leather Gis scroll and notebook today, and let your masturbation be as beautiful as the scenery around you. Jacob's Leather Gis scroll brought to you by the good folks at the Bonfire, Crackle Crackle Jack Offs. Jacob, we now present to you as the Bonfire family, your cum scroll, before you take it, Jacob. I have a note from the Leather Smith written inside of your cum scroll high score notebook. Jacob, this cum scroll was carefully crafted out of the finest waterproof, come-proof Italian cow hide available in today's market. In this journal, you can track your progress, make notes, and chart high scores.

You can even dedicate a page to a friend and challenge them to a beat your high score. Get hard and enjoy. Signed last low. Jacob, you're come Scrow. I'm a little speechless right now. Thank you Bobby. You're welcome Jacob This is note you know I appreciate fine leather. I've got as a man who prides himself as a leather maker himself This this is fine. This is fine craftsmanship The the finest leather from Italy.

It's waterproof and giz-proof. You can put it on your belly and come away. Jacob, the idea is to do motion for... Ooh, the idea has been in motion for so long. That the time it took was the ordering and treatment of the leather. Yes, that leather is from Italy and it took a long time to get through customs to come here for you. Jacob, if you notice some of the detail, the cutout here.

The cutout so you can also at the same time get an accurate measurement of your weiner. Yes. It starts right at the base. It's right at the base. It's right at the base and the rope down the bottom you can use to tie on your weiner to keep it in place. So you don't lose it? So you don't lose it?

Yeah. You can come all over that. It'll wipe right off. Yes, that's what I treated. I know. You'll see it has a ski ball like scoring system for your cum shots. If you hit the shoulders, you will equally get a hundred points. And a dead eye bulls eye will also be a hundred points and then moving out words to

50 and 20 points and then of course the two tens At the bottom, but don't don't be fooled. You're not everything's a hit Jay. Oh No, there's a lot of open field there for zero points or you can lose points if you hit the and you'll see the foul area zero points or you can lose points if you hit the and you'll see the foul area. Yeah. The foul area, it means you're not getting points at all because somehow you've probably gotten a little come on yourself now. Have it you. Yes.

Now. Now we're going to come scroll together. Congratulations, Jacob. Thank you. Obviously my dream is to hit the bull's eye, but looks like somebody who's going to have to buy some celery tonight. Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah, some celery.

And then it happened overnight. Jacob, but if you feel free to chart your work, your progress, in the fine leather cum journal, you see it, correct? Yeah. You're the cum journal. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.

I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. your progress of your loads yeah scores and not it's Very nice leather beautiful leather find the talent. It is fine Italian I guess what you would want any any quality leather goods made yes indeed well Yes, I mean look at some leather is not that good this leather. This is the real deal. It's the real deal my friend

It's the real oh put the top. I'm sorry tuck the You can smell the quality tuck the top of the notebook into the little pocket there for you, I think I took that out. Oh, you just got, you thought of everything, you've let us know. Everything. Everything, his name is, and you can, you can, you can get your own cum scroll. Of course. Uh, at laslow's leather at gmail.com or at laslow underscore leather. Thank you, laslow, for such a beautiful gift and such beautiful custom leather work.

Oh wait, does the lid nut does the top of this thing fit in there? And by the way, you want this. I mean, if you if you like quality, craftsmanship, this is what you want to get for a cum scroll. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I agree that they their very small studio audience. Maybe there's small. That's sploge. That sounds sploge. Thank you guys. It says your name on the top. Did you see your name on the top? No, I didn't. Because it was right by my neck. That's like, never been further away from the microphone. Sorry. But, all right.

I'm not enchanted. He's enchanted. There we go. Yes. Sorry. That was unprofessional, but I was swept away in the moment. It's OK. It's beautiful.

It's beautiful. It's understood. It's missing an apostrophe. It's fine. Yeah. Well, you know what? Last low. You dumb shit. Learn to spell you, Jacob. I'll tell you what an apostrophe would look like stupid on leather.

Yeah, we don't want that on leather. You don't know. Poster didn't have a postures. It's on purpose. Jacob last low you dumb shit. You know what? You know what? The loan your parts of speech fuck face. It's unique. It's unique. It's a one off. It's a one off. Yes, that's gonna be worth a lot of money. The other comes girls will come with you, but that's not the one. Yeah, that's worth more money. The Cal Rican baseball cards is fuck you at the bottom of the baseball. But down there now, that's the one. Congratulations, buddy. Jacob. Lazlow said, by the way, he shot 15 loads on that thing to make sure that like it wipes right off.

Yeah, they did test it. And it wipes right off. Everybody in his workshop had a go at it. And you can't tell there's four different doodges on that. It's a small office. Yeah. The tester still. If you're gonna buy a Smith and Wesson,

you're gonna know it's tested first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're gonna know it's a big shot. This is no different. No, it's absolutely fine. I figured that could hang in your house somewhere, maybe next to your Titanic memorabilia or your Nazi books.

It'll go up. Yes. And you know what, roll that sucker up because that's travel. That goes with you on the road, my friend. Yeah. Skankfest? Guess what that's going.

Skankfest. Yeah, you definitely got to bring out the scroll for Skankfest. And it's Jacob, I don't want to have stains, but we are going to have to read out of your cum journal at some point. Yeah, your cum journal has to be read on air. I have been a penzoil journaling at home. Okay, good.

Well, now you've got two things to journal. This show is sponsored by the batch patch. Getting to know yourself can be a lifelong process, especially when trying to measure how powerful your batch is. The batch patch is designed to help you clean up after a solo jerk session, while simultaneously helping to measure your load, trajectory and distance.

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this was a this was everybody this is everybody i mean we came to it to get a bobby got to think bobby thank you bobby well we all we all we all have the idea we talked about it and and and I just put it into motion, but we're very excited to see what you do with that. I'm sorry to interrupt this moment, but how fucking good does Bobby's beard look? It looks good. I mean, today was beard day.

We did beard day today. I could probably notice him both tightened up. Yeah. And thank you to Laslo for his craftsmanship. Yeah, he's got a lot of work. Dude, the guy lost five pounds in common, making sure that thing works. He's depleted. Yeah, he's a professional.

He's on an IV right now. He dragged 14 different juices to make sure that certain things didn't stain. You might drink cranberry juice, and nothing happens, but you put a pineapple in there and all of a sudden it ruins the lettuce. Less their craftsmen would have mailed it out without testing first 100% yes So this isn't made in Taiwan. This isn't Wilson's leather and some fucking mall, dude This is this is handcrafted by a Jewish guy named laslow. He lives in a farm. I assume there's animals like really Main-G injured animals running around all the time. Yeah. Because he can't tend to the farm. He's making leather cum scrolls.

Yeah, cum scroll. It's perfect. It's super well made. That is a hard one. You have to use. The design is fantastic. I'm sick of it. I know you want to go home and put it somewhere

and maybe you need to, in life, we need you to use this and let us know if you hit anything. Oh, and measure your dick every time. See if anything happens with that. Yep. We need to know your dick size. I put six. I hadn't put six. I didn't think it would be over six.

No offense, but six is a good, good, right? A good number. We need to know. Here's the good news. If it's over six, it's not going to be like seven or eight. So you're happy to know it's a little over six, right? That'd be nice. It would mark it like you would a child

that you're happy seeing them growing up against the wall, putting the notches on the wall. Little Sharpie on there. Maybe we could all try and measure our cocks and see where we are. But do you know that I'm looking at this comes world? This, there isn't anything like this. If I measure, I'm pushing back on my gun if I'm measuring mine

I'm pushing down on my beside my dick fat. Oh, yeah, I'm getting I'm getting strained into my balls And I'm I'm having done pull it from behind you. I'm gonna Yeah, I have to do my laying down with my legs in like a Jean-Claude Van Dam split And it's got to be one of those days where my balls by by the way, I think I have to do this in the air before, but I do. When I'm having a loose balls day and I'm whacking off in a hotel, legs open, and people hate that their balls get big,

I feel my nut bag banging on my asshole and it really makes me happy. I don't know why. Jay, I want to say something right now. Me too. Yeah. I mean, I thought it was gay. I don't know why I like that feeling,

but when I'm joking, and you feel bouncing and they come, they just kind of keep tap like your ass crack, and I mean, I thought it was gay. I don't know why I like that feeling but when I'm joking You feel bouncing and they come they just can't they keep tap like your ass crack and ass hole. You're like, oh there he is There's the guy because we are gay and we are in fact gay ball slapping on our ass Oh, now let's all measure our dicks and come on this leather You have to use this you know you have to really use this. I mean you have to test it I mean, that's what it's there for it's what it's there for and you have to let us this. I mean, you have to test it. I mean, that's what it's there for. It's what it's there for. And you have to let us know what you get. And you have to let us know the ones about Christine, how far they go. They fucking tens or

they tens or they hum does. I'm going to have to get a leather mask. face cover. Yeah. Oh, the leather mask. We're going to get the come mask. We're gonna have to get the come mask. Yeah. Or it's gonna be an attached vehicle after the thing just goes up like a cone over your head. Yeah.

So you can't hit your own face with God. That can't be the deal. That's crazy looking. That was awful. Yeah. Jacob. Uh, Louis. What's up, Black Lou?

Hey, hey, what's going on? How you doing, buddy? You don't want to just see Jacob the whole time I'm sure we could show you DJ Lou DJ Lou. I love DJ. I know we had a scare on Friday, but it just turned out to be gas She tutored Yeah, man, that's the worst way to find out. Yeah. Something's wrong with the baby. Like, oh my God, you know what, it's just, Pooooooong.

We're good. It's like we're good. Hang on. Was that baby or was that fart? As soon as this baby's out, I'm leaving. Just heart garbage. But everything's okay. Absolutely. Very, very good. Just heart garbage. But everything's okay. Absolutely.

Very, very good. This is, we have to acknowledge everybody a little bit. Christine, you doing art over there? Yeah. Okay. Hi, Christine. Hi. How are you doing? Welcome Monday. Nice to see you. Nice to see you.

How was your weekend? It was so much fun. I got to see you perform at Hershey Park and it was really cool. What was in Hershey Park? Is that what you thought you were? A giant center at Hershey. Sorry. We were across the street from Hershey Park.

You could hear roller coasters. Who the hell, what are my Tesla? No. I like Hershey Park. We were at Hershey Park. Probably rules. The last time I was there, I was with Max and Don and I That's one of the parks that have the fat guy tester chair in front of the roller coaster and

Boy was that embarrassing? My new dermatologist told that exact story of being in Orlando I say in the tester thing like not turning green for you. It should be behind you wall should It should be behind the wall. It should. It should be behind a wall. It should be as private as where you go to get a colonoscopy. Yeah, you should not. They do it right next to the line. Yeah.

Right as you go into the building. So there's like a big line out. Yeah. And the bulk of people who aren't even considering sitting in that chair, they're like, why do I have to test a chair? You know, because life happens dickhead. That's why. Life happens and you fucking stuff your face Yeah life happens

And I can't always fit in a roller coaster your piece of shit Well, it's the it's the funniest thing because there's always a wife going just try it Just try you don't know just try and the guys like listen just go on with him He's grinding it just do just go. I'll be here. Just try it dad Can you try and then the poor guy gets in there and it's just And then nothing I told you wasn't forgot to just go and there's just some sad kid with a with a sad mom going in line Christine jumps off the ride with me. I get furious Go by myself. What he's off the ride? Yeah, you can't get off with me. I'm just like, sorry. She's just looking at me. I was like, sorry, fell in love with a fatso.

Sorry, this tub of shit can't fit. So I'm not gonna go alone. There's a weight limit at this party. I know Christine They don't tell you that when you buy your fucking day pass though. That'd be nice There's a weight limit this party. Okay. Thank you. Um Mm-hmm. I'll say what was awesome. Watching everyone to great this weekend. Shane going on stage. I think we have some footage of it somewhere. But like Shane walking in on stage at the giant center. That's essentially his hometown.

That was like where he went to go see concerts when he was younger. And like when he walked down stage, that pop was awesome. Like I know he felt that whole told family was there. It's pretty cool. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah.

Really good. And he murdered. Everybody killed him, man. Tim Dillon's fuck so funny. We had him on that creature kids when we were in Pennsylvania. Who, Shane, right now his hometown so he was just like, you want to come do a set? Mm-hmm, and he came in and

The crowd just goes nuts. Yeah, it was and this was a couple years ago This a couple years ago when he was just after the The thing be so popular so funny too just effortlessly funny Well, it's because it's a guy who got fired without it getting the chance to like say anything So like he's sympathetic for sure in that regard You know, I mean like most of the world wasn't like fuck this guy. You didn't even get to meet him. You're like damn, even if you're like, oh, I don't like that he, if you're enough of a wiener to be like, why would you do an Asian voice on a podcast whatever they're

mad about? You're more like damn dude, that sucks. Like you're right there on like the, you know, you're right there on the edge of like this huge thing and you don't even get to walk into the studio one day. You know, I mean, like you're fired before you even get officially hired. Yeah. Or the second you find out you're officially hired two days later you're fired. Like that's wild. So I think people felt more sympathy for that. And like, let me give this guy a chance. And then you, and he's hilarious. It's weird too, because he handled it so well. I would have hung myself. He'd have roughed. I mean, he'd have yourself. I would have gained so much more weight than I did. I mean, he was like, he took it, he did do a great job.

He did take it well, but I mean, it did hurt for sure. As soon as they canceled sex drugs in rock and roll effects, I accept what effects were the fuck it was. I just tumbled into weight. If I got, if my dream came true and then I got fired to, as later, I would beumbled into weight. If my dream came true and then I got fired to, as let it, I would be fucking 900 pounds. When they told me Z-Rock was canceled,

I kept saying nah, shut up. Because they said that we were definitely getting a season three and they were like, they, we couldn't work it out. We're not doing a season three. I'm like, shut up. I go, just telling me we're starting in like a month or something this call.

And I'm like, no, I'm like really, like like really like genuinely like the three of people who were involved they were like it's not we're not doing a season three like yeah you know they're good running as you're like oh shit you still call them up hey guys what's is it happen it like it's let's stop shooting the shit what's what's my call time tomorrow all time we've already shot the shit for too long here. 20 minutes into the show. This is Lou Monday. So DJ Lou Monday.

It's your day. We got two gay things happening. We got a party. So many gay things. What do you want? I'll tell you about the barbecue first. You're right. Let's get the personal stories in here.

100% save gay for last. Yeah, it leads into gay. Yeah, everything leads into gay. This world. In this world, my world, and Clifton, New Jersey does. Uh, yeah, so my, uh, much compared, why don't you give me a address while you're at it? Yeah. What we want to do, Jersey, we're on the corner of that bar where all these gays hanging out and dragging home apparently. When we want to Puerto Rico, I gave myself security number out like three times. Of course you did. Why?

Lou? They export it. Who's they? Puerto Ricans. Ha ha ha ha. You can't do this. Lou would be. You can't do this.

I don't know. Puerto Ricans just go yo, yo, is it? Well, what's yo, it's just a gun of my own. Dude, if you lived in Milwaukee in the 80s, you would be dead in the bathhouse from Jeffrey Dahmer. I'm pretty comfortable.

You're like, he said he had beers. Haha. Yeah, but he wouldn't kill me. Just drill a hole in his head. It's true. No, it'd still be a lot. Try to keep it as a fuck zombie. Yeah, fuck zombie.

Hey, it's work and I think. He would have never killed low. Lou would be like, I would have it, dude. You're stayed. Yeah, do you think? Well, I'll drink and kill. Well, you drink and kill black twinks together. Dude, I'll jerk off a mannequin. You know I never thought it good you stayed. Yeah, do you think I'll drink and kill when we drink and kill black Twinks together. I'll jerk off a mannequin. You know, I never thought it's so true. Eat. Dom or what could have gotten Lou back with a drink in a second.

You would have gone back with it. I have your favorite booze back in my place. And before you know, Lou would have been with a shirt off dancing in jeans with a guy. With those tinted sunglasses. He'd be the other one, Dama would have been like, they're gonna go, you gotta go. Yeah, he's like, I'm out.

You might have a look in the fridge. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, I guess if you're not in a human body parts, you don't have a lot of snacks, huh? What's in the freezer? A head. What do you cook that with?

It comes out, Dama comes out of the bathroom, lose dancing with the head. Heh heh heh. Yo! I see why you kept this one. Look, uh huh. Heh heh heh heh heh... Any gay serial cookin' lead you in. That's how they get you with booze, but they don't even realize your plan...

Like, they're planned to feed your plan. You're like, I'm not even gay. I'm just gonna go back and wag my fucking, and I'm sorry, I'm gonna say it, fucking, awesome ass. Juicy. Juicy ass. In front of these gay guys, get their booze for free, and then I'm gonna dip out. But Dahmer has other plans buddy

He wants to keep that ass forever You know I'm gonna get many meals he would have had out of his ass. Oh my god, dude That's fucking two thanks giving's worse. I asked you got right there buddy. You would have saved eight black guys You saved eight black guys and two Filipino boys. You happy? Hey, I'm gonna come back to Houston at night. Now I'm full. I still got a whole half of ass left.

I heard you got booze there. Hey, you missed a couple of spots on my lower ass. Gub the actual story. Oh, yeah, so this is not about me being gullible. This is me going to my... You are familiar with his other gay stories. I am. Bruce and Chris.

Oh, Bruce and Chris, his girlfriends, yeah. You know, he went back to the house. He went back to the house. They didn't have booze. One starts whacking off. Lou hung for somewhere, depending on the day, he tells the story. Five to 45 minutes, he was there.

Five to four. Sometimes he tells it when he gets panicky, Depending on the day tells a story five to forty five minutes. He was there Sometimes we tells it when he gets panicky tells it goes I walked in a guy started smacking off I get out of here. It's not what happened to it. He listen to music You probably hadn't put on Pearl Jam. They put on Pearl Jam. If they would have put on Pearl Jam, dude You would have fucked one. There was no music and no drink jerked in the room with them. No music and no drinks We kind of fucking let's do that. I'll do a same room jerk, but that's it. You got nothing for me except for Cox. I mean no music is pretty crazy I'm gonna put on vitality my borrow James That would have got me You guys want to whack off in the same room? I can probably get hard that is

All right, so what happened though? So I just, we went to my brother's girlfriend's family's house for a barbecue. Right, where's that? Brother's girlfriend's family. I have a twin brother and then I have a younger brother. He's less than a year younger than us. Mikey, we went to his girlfriend. We'll call her Lisa's house.

Okay, so she's not put her in. No. Nobody in this story is. Okay. So then we go? Yeah. So there's no fights. There's no knives. There's no knives.

There's no fights. Right. Okay. All plastic cutlery. Mark you. And there's no juicy asses except for yours and your brothers. You're the only sweet ass here. That's the way I wanted it.

Okay. So our parents are kind of older. The mother is pushing 60. The father is pushing 80. Wow. If he's aren't the gay stories. I said everything leads to gay later on in the night leads to gay. Okay, okay.

So, we're hanging out. There's no barbecue. They serve us ham with smoked weed. I'm sorry. Ham. You're going too fast. You said we're going to tell us. We'll slow you down.

Hey buddy, I'm sorry. It was at a ham like a ham you cut or was it ham they got from the deli a ham you would cook on Easter a spiral ham That's a backyard party and that's what they served. Yes, they Irish why did they call it a barbecue? They're pushing 80 and 70 no the we might have Miss her date or thought it was gonna be a barbecue, but it was a ham party. It was a ham dinner It was ham and weed and it was Ham dinner back a ham party. It was a ham dinner. It was ham and weed and it was, that was the horror. It was a ham dinner.

Backyard ham party. I would know that. Oh, that's huge and clifton. Yeah, ham party. Backyard ham party. Ham party is awesome. It seems like I should be like, that's code for something else.

Yeah. Like a ham party is something when it's a bunch of like, like shave down bald men. Jay Jay this weekend Hand party party party party my it looks like me and Bobby if you if we just said you know this guy's host hand parties You wouldn't say no. They don't you ask what a hand party is You know Bobby and J. Host hand parties every good. What's that? He goes it's like some real luminati shit That's what they were in the gay community. We're called hands. Yeah That's what they were in the gay community. We're called hams. Yeah

Ham party doing a hand party. This is what you live in a DJ. You're a ham too You come right to our ham party. Yeah, imagine that's the only thing served with ham Like no other a Ham party is just when there's a bunch of guys our size which shirt shirtless at a in a backyard If we were all shirtless with with our gene with with genes on with our one top button on none of our genes Yeah, a hand party and then just just banging in with each other dude hammed We just touch sweating It's the thing where you throw a party but you live in America soil your guests Overweight and your air conditioning isn't keeping up as everyone is based in their own juice

hand party hand party It was lovely outside. We didn't I want to have of it. I want to eat some juice. Dude, I want to throw a ham party. There's something. Yes, it's coming over. Yes, it's coming over for a ham party. Dude, who we got me, you, we got Lou.

Jacob, you can't come. You're not overweight. You're not a ham, man. We got Zach. Zach, is he a ham? Oh, Zach's the ham. Zach's a bore. Louis is a ham.

Louis can come. Louis could be a ham. No Dave. Dave's not a ham. Dave, care come. Sorry Dave, you're not a ham. Zach's a bore. Lewis is a ham. Lewis can come. Lewis could be a ham. No Dave. Dave's in a ham. Dave's here. Sorry Dave, you're not a ham. Yep. So does a ham. So does a ham. He's a quiet ham. He's a quiet. He's a he's a he's a little mini ham. Yeah. He's a mini ham. He's a mini ham. Yeah. With belly hair. Yeah. DeRosa's definitely he's a ham. He's a ham. He's a ham. He's a ham shag. Yeah, Derosa's the thing they wrap in like rope when they cook it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. He's a what's that called when they roll the, the means of brush all. Yeah. We got Keith, Keith's a ham with brown sugar. Yeah. Brown sugar ham. Yeah.

Vals might be a ham now. Well, he's a ham on stage, but yeah, definitely if I could be a ham boss though into his defense You always got to say kept abs until late fifties almost sixty sixty actually had absent sixty I mean he they used to make it take a shirt off for Jim and Sam all the time But now he's definitely a ham. He's getting a ham. There's a thing though when you show up still not like he's still a fat boss You have to take your shirt off immediately one button undone on the jeans definitely a ham. He's getting a ham. Here's the thing though, when you show up. Still not like, he's still not fat, boss. You have to take your shirt off immediately.

One button undone on the jeans. Work boots? No, we want to be comfortable. No, no, dad shoes. Dad shoes. Just some new balances. Okay, dad shoes and glove. Do we have a glove?

No, I don't think we need a glove. I think we definitely need to be like shiny and have sprinkles of glitter on us, though. No, but I think the glitter is in like a... Glitter. The glitter is in a pinata, and that's how we open up the hand body. We stance until we start to glisten,

and then we smash the pinata and the... The glitters flies everywhere. Flies everywhere, and then that's when the hand body really begins. No, you're like a hand party No, here's what is yet we have to sweat that's the idea so shirts off and we have to dance around it to hand party sweat like hand We sweat everywhere and then yes, then we explode A little thing a big lot of glitter

Yeah, yeah, and then we just we wear whatever we have on us and we just never stop dancing Maybe I'll wear a unicorn horn. I'll volunteer that. Yeah. Okay, that's great. I'm gonna wear, I'm gonna have a boa. I want a boa. No girls allowed Christine.

No, no ham. No ham girls. Those are ham, that's chicken breast. I don't, I've been able to make plenty of guys come and I have yet to make a woman come. So, you know, that's true. She can come. She can come. Okay, she's a ham your ham

Christina daughter definitely hands He got to have a girl ham though. They got to be able to knock tips around that is judging Yeah, there's my unicorn horn Yeah, I love it Yeah, I can't wait for the hand party. Oh, I just want to the mull hall guy actually I prefer that one. That's a good. It's a feathered, a white feathered mull hall with a unicorn that goes on your head. Dude, that's great. Did you have anything with electricity? I don't like electricity. Maybe some to light up on your head. Yeah, I want something that lights up on my head.

All right, guys. Now I'm thinking let's cancel this prom and just make it a hand party. All right guys now I'm thinking let's cancel this prom just making a ham party You think this summer's gonna charge extra get rid of the smell after that You think people would actually stop working on game weight to come to the ham party. Yeah, I really do we need a scale at the front Right when you walk in you walk in you have to get up because yeah, that'd be like our studio 54 goes you're gonna have a ham Yeah, get out of here. Yeah, it's guys six foot two 180 the fuck out of here. Yeah, ham black Lose a ham. Yeah, I'm Louis. You come in the whole ham party. You're coming baby take that shirt off. Oh That's the one black Lou gets right there that one. Oh like the like the price like the mother Mary. Yeah, black Lou has that one. Black Lou you might have a mother Mary head dress on. Yeah, I want something with colors.

I want something Mexican. I'd like Bobby to have a, is there an electric Indian head dress? Oh my god. Look that up because that might be your look. That's it. Electric Indian head dress for the hand party. Yeah, that one's great though. That actually might be good on DJ Lou also.

No, DJ, you think what do you think of terribing with the Joel in it? I don't know what you guys are turning this into gay on cocaine. That's why I said barbecue You had a hand party dude. You know I'm like in hand party It's a comedy show you try to glaze over the fact no pun intended that you had a hand party. Yeah, hand party Dude you go there was no barbecue just ham, if you see someone's having a barbecue, I'm also picturing how many people are there, Lou? Six at the most, five. One ham?

One ham. One ham. That's weird. That's a weird invite. Can I make a little thing on the hand party, our hand party that we're gonna have? Yes, but depending on that, Lou, we're getting back to the hand party playing.

We do have a ham. We do have a ham. We have a ham. But no, this is a thing. No forks and knives. You have to rip the ham off. I think you have to go in and just bite off of it. Oh, yeah. No.

Let's discuss the ham is actually really gross. Anyway, slice it or cook it. Excuse me. Ham party. Not gross. Anyway, not slice it or cook it. Excuse me, hand party, not gross, okay? Alright. Christine go back to the, is there no? There's none? It's not that I haven't been able to find yet. I'll make one. Damn. His loose is my cup. Oh, can I just make another suggestion for the hand party? Yep. trampoline. Yes. 100% trampoline. Now most of you should relocate this party to one of those trampoline parks.

Oh yeah. So we're never not bouncing. Covering glitter. Covering glitter. The sweating, oh there you go. That's what I want. Oh. Oh.

Oh yeah, that's awesome. I want those electric wings. Those are fairy wings. Bobby electric fairy wings. That's going to be your thing. That's my thing. Yeah. Okay, well you are the godmother at the hand at the hand party.

Yes. You are the mamamother at the, at the, uh, hand party. Yes. You're the mama bear. You're the jerk off party. Hamilatha. Your head swine. They call it. I'd swine. So Lou, six of your family, hand party, backyard.

Yeah. And with their celebrating engagement, day before Mother's Day, day before Mother's Day is with a celebrity. Yeah. So, hand, hand party, day before Mother's day day before mother's days with a ham ham party day before mother's day. And is it afternoon evening afternoon one any afternoon? Oh hot and lose mother passed. So you're going to go somewhere else right and their mother passed to one. This is her stepmother.

So yeah. So we all didn't have a mother from other days. So we just thought we'd have a hand party. Yeah, with your brothers girlfriends. Yeah, I'm with your brother's girlfriends. Yeah, Mike and Lisa. Makes sense. It's her parents. Her parents.

Liz and Rob. Her dad and stepmom. Yes, correct. Her mom's also. I'm confused. I'm gone. I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you.

I'm just thinking about my fairy wings. I apologize. Can I get you there? And trampoline. I'm fucking back. I apologize. Oh, you there and the trampoline. I'm fucking back I apologize. Oh, I can't and you know what happens when we get really crazy at one point. Yeah, we build up We just start doing that. Oh, we also all have to be wearing pig noses. Oh for sure As soon as you're walking to the hand party they let they go

Go what's that weight? You're in and they they just, like that little rubber band around your head and then you gotta be a little wanker the rest of the night. Okay, so it's them, who is it? I'll get it, I got you, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna get you there. I'll get you there. Thank you. Lou has a twin brother that we've known about forever, Will. He also has a younger brother who none of us were aware

of until about three days ago. I was here three days ago. And then when he started to tell us the stories when I found out myself. None of us were aware of until about three days ago. How was he a three days ago? Right, and then when he started to tell us the stories when I found out myself. I was unaware. And I think there's a sister knocking around somewhere. Can I have one question?

Yeah, but let's not confuse it. Bobby, this show has been going on for eight years. Eight years. Eight years. And you just found out three days ago, he had a little brother. Yes. Yeah, go about it.

Okay, great. So he opens up a lot. Now, his little brother, yeah, he's a little brother. Yes. Yeah, go about it. Okay, great. So he opens up a lot. Now, his little brother, yeah, he's an open book this guy right here. He needs a jizz girl. That's why he really does. It's why he loves Eddie Vedder so much. He needs to go bears a soul and tells people his feelings.

His feelings are Eddie Vedder's feelings. So he's got the little brother, Mikey. Yes. Mikey has a girlfriend. Mikey. Yes, Mikey. Yeah, has a girlfriend Her mother has passed away. Okay, and so she was going to celebrate with her father and stepmother Yeah, and said hey you guys mother passed away Come you know, she told Mikey to bring the brothers twin twin brothers. You guys both went. No, just me and Michelle. Okay. So Luz, so Luz, tacking along to his little brothers girlfriend's You're right. So it's, so you guys are using, I remember you're using somebody else,

so you're, you're renting, what's the word? Ranting some, you're using somebody else's mom. Ranting someone's love. Right. There's people without, you know, without moms. Just to have a family for the day. Yeah, have a family. Yeah, so you're, you're, you're,

I could have done without it. You're right. Right, no, no, no, it's good. They should say, hey, come in and use my mom for mom's. Oh, you're so great. You're gonna turn down free him. You can, and a're right. Right, no, no, no, it's good. She's saying, hey, come in, use my mom for a box. Oh, you're so great. You're gonna turn down free him. You're gonna end a free mom. No, I actually really have to be.

I like the even the person who is related to the other people there. It's stepmother still. There's still no actual biological mother in the story. There's no mother, it's just a stepmom. Stepmom and dad. Right. Okay, so we're at hand party.

We got who the parties are there. Now what we see, your little brother, his girlfriend, her stepmom and dad, and who else? Me and my girlfriend. Rob, the man of the house, the father, takes me into a separate room and shows me memorabilia. From?

Beatles, sign Beatles things. It's not so bad. I thought I thought that was gonna be you know The girl has my virginity to her father show me memorabilia of very pro anti-Semitic Nazism So this is better Yeah, so he's a sweet guy. He's showing me things he's giving me gifts like hey, you like that? I'll light it or keep it you take that home with you that kind of guy Oh, so we can have I mean dementia was it a mic. I don't know he might have a little something was it a bit lighter I'll show to you like you have to get especially fix you piece of shit. Did you was he hitting the sauce too? He might have been and also maybe a little

Seenile was he hitting the ham was hitting the ham. We were all hitting the ham. Oh, all hitting the ham I gave her I gave the mother a Steven singer gold dipped rose Fucking love did step one. Yeah, step mom. Yeah, pretty good. So things are going great. What color was it? Gold okay the gold one nice nice. Yes, she's impressed. Did you say it was a sponsor? You say here I got something for you It's real gold. Did you say did you, hey, I know you really wanted a neon sign in Times Square, but I couldn't get that. So I got to this. But it has a full lifetime guarantee.

But the full lifetime guarantee. Wow, it's Utah. Did you tell her about the... Mother's Day just passed. Are you having a hand party with your closest, with your least close brothers, girlfriends, family, who also doesn't have a mother? Yeah.

Do you have a step up? Don't show up to that hand party empty handed. So this is the second time I'm meeting them all. And so it's a little bit familiar. It's cool. So anyway, the girls, the ladies in the house, all the ladies get outside congregating together and start talking about marriage.

As it should be. I'm sorry. They are talking about my brother Mikey She put a ring on it. Oh, and we're gonna talk about their burping up ham What he goes if I got as a mario soon dump them I'm gonna do it relax. I swear to God. Is it my ham? Who I just cleared a little bit of room. Is there any more ham? Is there mustard around too? Is it like mustard?

Yeah, what do you put on the ham? Yeah, what's going on the ham? It was too dry. I barely got into it It tastes a little gamey. I fucking hated it. GAMEY GAMEY ham. You sure it wasn't a human. It was like a haunch Oh, what a dark piece in the middle of the rest of a light ham. It was gross. I fad on it. No good But was there any other a kutra months? in the middle of the rest of the light ham, it was gross, I thought on it, don't get. Oh. Was there any other accoutrements? I'm thinking for a ham party, by the way, back to the ham party, that we're gonna do, a real ham party.

I say on the trampoline, frozen peas. We just rip open bags of frozen peas. Oh, yeah. And just balance with the peas. Yeah, and then, because our body, he's gonna want to all quick and they're gonna mush. And then, yeah, and then we have some mushy peas ham.

And then we're just covered in peas and open and our open button pants Okay, sorry. I don't know why the open button pants is very important to me, but it is yeah one button though That's not get crazy. What are you wearing button flies? Yeah, why not? I don't wear a lot of button flies I have button flies. I love a button fly. I have a pair you have ever ever you have ever growl do some nasty stuff to you on the button fly. She does one, two, three, four. No. Well, back to hand part. That was so honest that hurt. I heard you a new teeth on that one.

I heard you knew teeth on that one. No. So, there's no, the ham's going on. Ham's going on, everything's going great. The ladies want to talk about marriage. Yeah. They get the father, my buddy, Rob, to go into the backyard and they all say to my brother, actually, I'm not telling you, I'm not a great storyteller. Um, you don't great He tell me he's done 40 minutes on a ham. Okay, Rob's like listen when are you gonna put a ring on my my daughter's finger?

Dad asks that dad asked that see no I don't want everybody makes yes makes a bit of a scene about it like shitty. Yeah, no, but let's talk this out It's a big deal to me. It looks over at you any wings. You go time just fucking so you want to have this serious So it's he's getting serious for sure Yeah, yeah, yeah, Rudy. It's it's getting serious. There's any other. How long? What's that how long did we get there for living together for 10 years? Wow That what that point was well established how long you and Chris team been together

Like 11 years Does she look different when they first got together Nah, she looks the same good Pretty good, hammy she look hammy does she belong at the party. Yeah, cuz she come to our ham party Yeah, okay, she belongs at the ham party. Yeah, yeah, it's a good way to describe people from now on Hey, cuz you go to a hand party She's definitely a handphone. She goes, yeah, put her in the invite list because.

Oink, oink. OK. So the old dude is talking it out with Mikey, my brother Mikey, and saying, listen, if it's a money thing, I'll give you the money for the fucking ring. How much could it be? $2,000? Are you guys going to much could it be? $2,000? Are you guys going to hit it?

Yes. $2,000. What the fuck is it? Dude, his daughter is garbage. No, no, she's not. She's my sister, almost in law. No, she's not. You don't know how the story ends.

That's true. I think I married right there. They gave you a letter and they gave him a ring. Take that off my stepmom. Take him that ring. That's, by the way that is Slow down the store here the dad said in front of everybody is it the money? I'll give you the money for the ring. Yeah, yes

That my genuine opinion on that is your brother should Demand an apology from that guy or walk away from that girl forever. That's fucking crazy First I'm humiliating to be like you pull him them aside and say like, Hey, is that the issue? Like, you know, I'd be happy to help you if that's what's holding you back. I'm from the school of, yeah, give me that fucking money. I'll pay for that ring here. I'll marry it tomorrow. And then dump his ham daughter. I would take that 2000 and go buy a shit load of ham. Throw a ham party and not even marry this bitch. Another ham party. We would drink and show fine out that they're broken up because she's not invited to the ham party this time. We were drinking, um,

what do you call those things? Fire waters? I don't know. Like the cans, something. Hands off the peppermint. Um, bourbon. Shops. Lou. All the kids drink it. Peppermint. Fire fire. Something fireball. fireball. Yes, is it fireball fireball whiskey? It's a cinnamon that's it cinnamon. Oh, yeah, it's mainly blackout drinking ever in my life

What is it fireball at the biggest one you could possibly imagine and it was almost done by the time this party is Crashy shit, yeah, he these people aren't like almost people? Dude, this is a fucking really shit. By the way, it's an awesome party if you're 16 in the woods. This party cost you. Yo, my mom had some leftover ham. I brought it. Okay, you guys want to take mushrooms and drink fireball.

This party cost $48. You said that was it just, it was you, your girl, your brother, his girl, and the dad and the stepmom everybody everybody there Which is only five people every six six of you. Yeah, that's everything. Yeah, there was a lingering other person But let's not get into it. What that's just a sister that she's not part of the story She up and she has to keep her in the attic. She just looks out of the window the whole time Did she have scissors hands? No, she just didn't care for ham or or fireball or parties or us. Why what was she some thin bitch? Can I rush the

store it? Can I get to the end? Yes. So we have to get to the end? We have to have to have a show. You think ham party is not brought wonderful left to people driving in the cars right now? I'm dying to I'm dying to say it. All right my old my buddy Rob says to my brother listen you're bullshit now. I'm dying to, I'm dying to say it. All right, my old, my buddy Rob says to my brother, listen, you're bullshitting me, I'm gonna punch it in the mouth. My brother goes, no, I just need one more year. He goes, ah, you're bullshitting me. Punch my brother right dead in the face.

Bloodies his lip so that the blood fills his mouth and stops the party cold. Turns out he used to be a boxer back in World War II which round told me stories about he's he was undefeated and tagged right in the fucking mouth he's the greatest generation like 79 years old my brother used to be a linebacker at high school man he's the pussy yeah he is he's got punched by an old man took it what did he do to get his ass party no I took him out of I took him out of there away from everybody got rid of his bloody mouth and you have to stop him from like going back at him No, because he said to me is like I just got my ass kicked by an old man. I can't retaliate

Yeah, you can you got to marry his daughter or get punched in the mouth Well, how about this kick him in his authoretic knee and he'll go down and then If you smash a man's knee drops like a bag of rocks. I've been working on it. It's not there at all. I can help, I can help. Smash a man's knee. If you bet.

If you smash a man's knee drops down like a bag of rocks. If you smash your body, if you smash your body, it'll be drop down. You're like Bartles and James. Watch by Skankfest. I'm gonna be fucking awesome. I'm gonna have them all by then. How's that? You drag your brother out. He didn't have to be dragged. He knew it was time to go. I can do Joe Pesci. We're you get it. You smash me. No, it's me. So good. Good job, Pesci. That's just me. I apologize. You get his name. You smash me in the fucking need the fuck. I'm gonna be your ham. You got a

70 year old war to veteran. What the fuck is that? You hit him in the you fuck his wife in the ass and you go home. What the fuck is that? You hit him and then the, you fuck his wife and the ass and you go home. Dude, dude. Dude, a patch he describes hand ponies to people. Dude, this fucking hand, you can take a shirt off your own button, one button, get a unicorn thing, put on your head, dance around the piece, on a trampoline. This a night of nights.

Frozen peas. The fuck, you laughing at me? This is why I'm using you as a hand potty? But... Ha, ha, ha, ha. So, where does your brothers, uh, I guess fiance now go. She crying. She's crying.

They lived together. So they gave us a ride home. And yeah, there was crying and fighting on the job to solve. And that was it. They fought in the car. I'd say so. Why were they fired? Well, she was crying.

She was crying. Where she like, she got in the eyes. He was such a bitch. He wouldn't fight back. She dumped him because they're fucking 70 year old dad beat him up. I wish to, Chris, let me tell you something. And John, if you're out there listening, listen up.

If Christine's dad ever punched me in the mouth, I would fucking up in front of his wife. I'd beat him up in front of Christine's stepmom and then I'd French kiss her. If Don's brother and father were all sick something, I would not. I'm not getting my ass kicked by a freckly pull-ok. Yeah, just know you're all noticed, John. Why didn't he, he didn't say anything like what the fuck are you doing?

He just took it. You bullshit. No, yeah, he just took it. There's nothing you could say. He wasn't gonna marry her and... What about ouch? No, because it wasn't that hard of a hit but his mouth was full of blood.

Yeah, it was. My question is, how much ham was left? Not a lot. Okay, so you know anyway. Oh, everybody was ham drunk. I've seen that happen before to party. Everybody gets too much ham in them. He's like getting those meat sweats before you know it.

You get worked out. Yeah. Did the pork party? Did your brother's girlfriend cry because she wanted to get married and it finally came out that she, that he hadn't proposed to? Or was she crying because they left behind the ham?

I was crying because I wanted to keep partying. This hand in the back. I'm fucking absolutely everything. You can't do that fromying. This is how you fucking absolutely everything. You can't do that from this. This is a type of party, right? Like, like, a bottle of booze and ham? Remember, there's a bottle. I know, wherever there's a bottle.

Because you're absolutely right because, when he's describing, I'm already be like, I thought you're telling a story of like, oh my god, and then he walked me through and showed me this memorabilia and then I had to go see, and you're actually saying it like This guy rules never shut off. It's awesome Loser sailors salty meat and booze I said did you give me ham and beer? I'll fucking listen to your stories all night chief captain. Yeah, you give me a free lighter ham and booze. I'm in

It's he guy too I don't know I don't think so. What do you think we ended up getting that story that your brother just got punched and didn't do anything about it? And then you were maxing around partying anymore? Do they fight in the car? What were they fighting about in the car?

Was she mortified that her dad would bring it up like that? I'd be, if my dad or my uncle, and look, we've been together a long time, I could see a dad or uncle bringing that up. That means that's what I could. I could. It's definitely brought up in private. Why am I my daughter?

Because you may ask. Because why won't you marry my daughter? You marry her. She's so great. I'd be mortified if they said something. You're stuck taking care of her 16 years old. Wow. This is getting fucking weird.

So that's their business. I just want some fucking ham. My uncle took care of me till I was 23. Hey, look, I don't even love Don. I married her because her mom was dying. What happened? Whatever. Truth be told, I don't even care.

Truth be told, I'm gay. I want a hand party to Mauro. Hand party's got to happen. Did your hand party might be have to be a wood thing. Dude, I forgot to get into the gate part. They dropped this off at my local bar, a place about five blocks from my home. We went there, sat down in order to drink, went outside, and this young kid comes up to me,

saunters up, and introduces himself as Adrian. And he goes like this. You smell like ham. He goes, come from a ham party. Hey, you just come from a ham party, I smell ham. He gives you a little thing, he goes, you smoke a cigarette, and he goes, There he goes. What's up?

And he shows you a tattoo of like bacon. Yeah, it's bacon. There's like four little pigs. It's up. He shows you a tattoo of a bacon. Yeah, it's bacon. There's like four little pigs that have been to four different hand parties. That's all the same parties. That's the code word. So you get dropped off for your local gay bar, you always go to

like, gang, everything gay that happens to you happens to that bar. No, this is a different bar. Okay, so different. So you go to more than one gay bar. Oh, it depends on the night. It's always only a gay night, one night per week at each bar whenever I'm there honey

And I was like you yep yep You know like you know so this kid pretend he just hey how you doing super nice If he acted like somebody was on excess who was on ecstasy like very friendly pretend like didn't pretend to know me But was really too familiar and handsy. Hugged me, maybe even pat me on the ass one time. Who wouldn't? I'm not gonna fight them. I get my arms around you dude, I'm gone for the edge. You guys don't worry.

You're sitting with your girlfriend. We're standing outside smoking a cigarette, so I just met him. This is, he just came up to us and this infuriates Michelle. Because she's like, who the fuck is that? And how does he know you and did you tell them to meet me here? Oh, she's there, on to you. Yeah, oh, I just met him right here right in front of you.

I just met this guy. Let me just wait, yep, I mean, I just met him. So she thinks you're the jig is up. She's finally you're getting copy and gay. Dude, lose. Girlfriend Michelle is so on guard to find out that Lou is the main thing she's worried about finding out. The first of all, that's the main thing all of our girls are worried about finding out. No, I don't think we're seems worried about me being gay. She knows. She knows I'm gay. 100% she knows where you can

know what you can say. And then I'm sorry. She knows where you can't know what you're concerned that I'm doing something gay No, like ever yeah Which is the perfect cover to do gay stuff. I got them right so so you so you're leaning against the wall You're three feet away from the wall because you're juicy ass and this guy comes up and starts handsy touching you Yeah, and and what do you do just like hug me? I just like hey, how you doing? I pretend I know him. You hugged him back. I have a twin brother. I've bartended for many years of this surrounding town. I believe everybody knows me. And I just acted like I know you guys are the gay prestige. So you're saying, you kind of stand back in your brother. Are you saying wills done all this gay stuff? And these guys go through this. I can't believe you forgot about last night.

Isn't your back still sticky? What are you talking about? My girlfriend thinks you're being serious. I don't know, I must be really bad at being gay. Oh really good. Just a friendly. I think you're really good at it. I think you pass.

I think you black out drink and guys fuck you and then you choose to forget. And then they show up this bar and they can't believe you're really good. I think you pass I think you black out drink and guys fuck you and then you choose to forget And then they show up this bar and they can't believe you're being so rude to them They go you spend it and you spend we spent a weekend at my father's chateau Now you're gay, you're like what I don't remember chateau. That was my brother Hey everybody, thanks for listening. That was just a portion of our actual serious XM radio show. If you want the whole thing, the whole damn thing, go to seriousxm.com slashbombfire for a special offer.

That's right, and go to bigjcomedy.com and robbercallylive.com to check out our standup dates. Coming to a city near you. I stepped on your crackle crackle, I stink.