The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Hi God, It's Bobby

Episode Date: May 9, 2023

Bobby admits to praying and loving the royal family.

Hey everybody, I'm Bobby Kelly. And it's Big J. Okreson. For full episodes of The Bond Fire, you can listen on the serious XM app. Go to seriousexm.com slash Bond Fire for a special offer. And now, The Bond Fire with Big J. Okreson and Robert Kelly. I just did a perfect air drum from beginning to the end of that. I did an unperfect one. Yours wasn't so good, but mine was actually a note for note. Strike for strike we call it in the drum biz.

Jacob your thoughts? What are you doing seven eight times? I was nailing some seven eight times. My mind's in this broken. Yeah, so do used to complain about Justin being in a car and non-stop air drumming and whatever? He still does it my mic. It hasn't deterred him your mic's broken Bobby My mic stands broken. Oh Jesus. H Christ. I got it. This fucking place. Sorry. Oh my god. This is a pit crew come. Oh, oh Great now. He's hurt now. you're liable. Oh my god Jacob I'm gonna jam you up the asshole hard with lawyers. It's gonna blow your fucking mind

They're gonna I'm gonna have so many Jews up your ass. They're gonna be coming out of your fucking nose He just he hit my nipple with a mic. I probably permanent damage. I feel violated It was my third nipple, too. Did you guys know that you don't have a third nipple? You know that excited you guys if I sit on the yet, the Christine maimed our dog. Have I told the world that yet? No. Christine maimed our dog forever. We can't believe what she did. She waited on one person's advice who lives in a dirt house in Long Island. One person's advice said, you should let the dog go through two heat cycles before you get her fixed and so Christine Just said that's what she was following was those rules

I Then she waited and now our dog has permanent big huge long dick nips On our beautiful baby girl big long. They're crazy. You you got you got a third world country nips. Absolutely. It looks like cowaters like beach dogs Yep, she has cowards our beautiful dog is now ugly because of Christine Listening to this one lady you got a milk dog. Oh my yeah really she's got big saggers. She's got you know she's got what she's got She's got what she's got the Ticknips. No, she's got those fucking mom boobs. Oh, working with her mom boobs. My dog has eight big fat titties under her belly Working with her mom boobs Christine you've cursed our dog to mom boobs. If I had known that was gonna happen

I thought that only happened when they gave birth to puppies as discussed if I had known that that was going to happen. I thought that only happens when they gave birth to puppies. That's disgusting. If I had known that that was even a possibility, I would have probably not paid attention to the growth hormone stuff and being better. If I see them, if I see those nips, I'd push the dog away. I love her less now. Call the, there's a company you can call, they'll take you dog away. You want to just have a company take the dog away and start again, try again maybe. No. Maybe you don't ruin the next nips No, they let me bring it outside shot. We could shave them down now

They literally bring a new dog same exact dog except Before the nip thing is there Plastic surgery for pets in any way. Yeah, no, they probably isn't but that would be pretty cool If we could take our dog they have her nip shave down. Oh, they only get worse too. Chrissy, look if there's a service to shave down your dog's big nips or if there's anything we can do. Yeah, you can do.

Get rid of the dog, get a new one. Start over. Yeah. Yes, Jacob. I don't, how do they get the, if you miss, I don't understand how does the big nips come? I've seen it, I don't like it, I'll be honest. Because, yeah, I don't like it either.

Who does like it? I'm not, I'm not a dog. I'll be honest because yeah, I don't like it either who does like it? Nobody wants a Mexican beach dog It's really those things are date date when when she walks they like jiggle like little soft dicks She's balled right now because they had the shaver down for it's permanent. It's it's it looks like it's gonna be permanent Yeah, that's probably my fault although her pussy was dangling out for way longer than I thought I was going to, but it is now back tucked away. That's hot. It took a little push in, but.

That's hot. That's hot. Can I have a picture of that? Oh, my dog's pussy? Yeah, the one with the angle. I will, but here's what it's gonna be your problem. You're gonna look at that hot ass pussy. She also has ass dimples.

Her whole thing's great. I like that. That's all fuckable. And then you're gonna look down the pike in the background and see eight dangling dicks coming off of her, what was once cute chest. Does she have those little hair when it curls up near the asshole? Yes. Like the cowlicks.

She does? Two cowlicks. That's what I mean. Those dimples. She's got a cowlick right here. She's so adorable except for her disgusting nipples. How many does she have? Eight.

Eight. Eight. Ugh. It's really upsetting. And the really upsetting thing is that one of them's like the dangler, like one's like a real serious one. They have though that that said they're not going to go back to how they were, but they will go down.

She had Bobby. That's the tiniest little pig nurse. Oh, she had little puppies. She had little p- And her favorite thing I swear to you, it's a good belly rub and it's when the foot would start kicking, which just makes me so happy as a dog lover now.

Not anymore. You don't wanna scratch her belly. You won't even touch her belly. I don't even wanna look at it. I don't go below here. I give her all chest scratches and above. I keep it all above the belt. Christine, you took that from Jay.

You took that from me. You took it from all of us. I'm not gonna talk to Doug anymore either. Don't. Now walk in and ignore that little dick nipped ass hole. I actually was walking by your apartment and I heard people talking about it out front. I never thought it was a possibility.

I didn't even think of it. I did. You find it out, Doug. I'll tell you what, when I walk the dog, a lot of the dogs, like the dogs know. Like the dogs that used to play with it, like now they don't, they like walk around. Yeah, like like dog ends play with their like, now they don't, they like, like walk around. Yeah, like like, like, like,

the docks gets down the play and they just like, they're like, we're good. Yeah, you heard it. One of the dog go, yeah, yeah. He goes, oh, it's Dawkins, I was a, but, yeah. Hey, Dawkins, I'm gonna have who? Well, someone who was cursed with puffy nips,

the fact that you could have prevented that, but didn't, good parenting. Good parenting. Is offensive to me. Oh who has puffy nips Chris real good parenting who is puffy nips Jacob says he does you have puffy nips traumatized my whole child. Oh man I'm sorry. Listen to not like my can my can nips are too low. I uh three inches too low. I met a guy this week in huge fan of the show Irish fella from down in Irvine where I was.

You know Jamaican and Irish same accent? No. Very similar. Jay, what you doing over there? How you doing Jay? Hello Jay. Come do voodoo with me huh? I'll tell you what. Way early in the show Bobby goes, I get a little nervous, uncomfortable to just throw a voice out there. And then I was like, don't even feel that way at all. Throw it out there.

Throw it out. Oh, why I throw it out in there it is. I do. That's just Irish though. No, it's Irish and it's a little Jamaican. Oh, come, Tajamek, I know who you should. You see? No.

I'm just doing an Irish accent and saying Jamaican things. Hello, Jake. Come on now, Lou. Pump it up. You know I want to hear it. I'm just doing an Irish accent and saying Jamaican things L.O.J. come on now, Lou pop it up. You know I want to hear it I don't want I'm fucking whiffing on his name very very sweet fella. I said the show got him through a lot of Shitty times net was a very sweet of him very smart so he told me or what happened at one point was he had a girlfriend very Bumbastic personality. Good word. Jewish gal. Lovely. And very pretty.

Wearing like a tie in the middle, kind of like, half-top thing. And at one point he was talking, and I said, I'm sorry, I lost track. I was just looking at your girlfriends. Extraordinary, puffy nipples, I thought they were. And then he was like, tell her that. So I did.

And then she goes, oh, god damn it. I knew it was gonna look like that. There she had stickers over her nips. And then she pulled them off and was like, handing them to me like, here you keep these. And I was like, no, and explain what this is. Tits are great. But the fact that these stickers that came over her nipples, I'm sure I'd love to see your n Tits are great. But the fact that these stickers

that came over her nipples, I'm sure I'd love to see your nipples would be great. But I did not want to touch those little pasty things. I don't know why. It's like band-aids or something. It felt like. Yeah, band-aids are disgusting and nipples smell. Right, even if they took a band-aid off

of an attractive pussy lip. I always thought, you know what I'm doing. It's still gross, it's a band-aid. I thought nipples was zits when I was a kid. Why cuz they always wear that white stuff for you? No the little No, I didn't suck my mom's tits. It was uh because the little zits on the tit, you know little bumps on the nip. The bumps around. On the ariola. That's what it's called Jacob the ariola. That's the area outside of the nipple ball. There's like a light switch that's a little clicker and then around it is the ariola. Walking around with my single, growing up my single mother,

I got to know mom, large ariolas and a ball nip. She had both going. I've never seen my mom's tits in my life. Really? Didn't see my grandma's legs until she died. No shit. Yeah, she always wore a shit down to her ankle. Never saw anybody in my family naked. Evily. No, what are you saying? to her ankle never saw any of my anybody my family naked. I really know

What are you saying it like I'm the fucked up one? I bet that I bet I bet it's straight I bet a majority of the room has seen their mom or dad naked before who seen their moms tits except for girls That just guys that you can't have girls girls show each other the tits. That's like, you know It's still your mom. Yeah, but it's your mom's tits. You have to show mom. Look at my tits. Oh, my tits are like that too. Girls do.

Really? Is that what they do? Mom, is your pussy like this? I've seen yours and look at mine. Yes, my pussy is like that. I shave it like a box. Stop trying to get hard at work. Girl, it's going on.

Tell us about how you did it. No, the pussy is you and your mom are all showing to the reputters. Hello, you've never seen your mom's tits. I have yeah. Oh boy. Jacob. You've never seen okay All right, Lou black Lou ever see your mom's tits God damn it Fucking weird crew. What about the two guys staring at us? Negative day ago. There's a man. What about you sir? Well, do you know? You don't know

He knows raise your hand. Did you see your mom's tits? Oh, all right. Well, that was scary I just fucking you okay Why was it never happening your house? I know cuz my mom's not a whore that maybe it It might be that sexual attention dude. When would you when would you ever see your mom's tits? I go for the single mom. She would like I grew up with a single mom. Yeah kind of yeah, and your mom was young too I don't know. Yeah, uh, you're a little older than me. So maybe it was a different time You're going on the 80s. Yeah, your mother was probably wearing a corset and her undergown

Not my mom. She would just sit box out or row open in the middle of the hallway bathroom window. I saw your mom's box. I've seen it before, that wasn't a common occurrence. Oh God. If I ever saw that. I'm also going back to being like this is probably all under six years old. I just want to, I think I believe that you shouldn't see your mom's box. You shouldn't hang on a second.

There's a certain age that where you shouldn't remember it. You know what I mean? Of course. If you have shoes, you should definitely not see your mom's tits a box. I think somewhere between two or three years old, I was in a rush and I had to shower

and get Isabella ready for something. And I started to get her in the shower. And then one minute, I was like, nope. Just feels weird. She's known on the wash. She was like two or so. I mean, she doesn't know what the hell's going on. But I was like, it feels weird being naked with her.

Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna the age room to stop Shao running with Max. Yeah, yeah, he's learned everything he can learn. No, but I don't, I don't name it. Like when he was younger, he, she'd throw him in the shower with me, but now you go shower by yourself. Right, so he's senior dick. He's seen my dick, but not he doesn't see my dick anymore Yeah, I don't show my what he remembers it

Haunsome Yeah, he was in the shower. I level with it Yeah, come on Jay. I love my baby. Never? No, no, I mean I level I didn't. What the fuck? Most of his life you were very, very heavy though too. That hurt?

Yeah, that's true. That's true. I was very, very, I mean, you have to have three varies, but you could have very heavy. You could have just said heavy. I could have just said extraordinarily and made it one word. You have to go very, very short words. Yeah. With an intense last very, very, very, said heavy. I could have just said extraordinarily and made it one word. You just go very, very short words. Yeah, with an intense last very, very, very, very heavy. You look fantastic.

And let me tell you, it's a new look fantastic. That's interesting because I remember, again, hop-obby hair, little curly's on top, almost look Puerto Rican. Sure. But my mustache that was trimmed to just hugging the upper lip into a very thin go to you. I call it the dancer mustache.

The dancer mustache. That's true, you did. You'll think some of you J.Lo was gonna marry. I did. I look like I could do a moroccan, some type of Charleston. I didn't see the in shape Bobby, like Jacked no shirt under overalls. That was before me. That was before you and you've never seen Juve Bobby. Never saw a Juve by but I saw I saw the I was there.

Balls deep on the last Bobby hot. Hot Bobby to two to eight. Yes to away. That was Torgasm Bobby. Torgasm Bobby. Yeah. And then you had the type motorcycle jacket, it's the whole thing. Now, shaved head Bobby, the weight's coming down, the next thinning out nice. Now you got that little scruff beard that I say you can give another good. Little am I crazy if I say a quarter to a half inch more? Absolutely. A little more. But short, you weren't short.

Yeah. But you get that thing sharpened up when we do. All right, if you guys are out there listening, don't tell Dan. But don't do not tell Dan because I love Dan. Don't tell Dan this is gonna destroy him. Do not tell him you son of a bitch is. But I mean, beard day has to happen still. Yeah. And now Bobby is entered the world.

I didn't persuade him to do this. No. I asked. He entered into beard life. Yeah. And persuade him to do this. No. I had an inner of his own world. He entered into beard life. Yeah. So we're going to have a beard life comes responsibility. I know beard life comes responsibility. And jam song. You have to get your beard done and your friend has a beard. I have a beard guy. It's okay. And that beard guy.

Yes, sometimes he's like, you always come alone now and I go No, I know I go he left he left the show and My new guy doesn't have a beard And then Bobby came in today and I don't know it's it's conflicting, but It's gonna happen. It's gonna happen. I need my- I need my- I need my beer trimmed. And Isaiah's the guy. He's Dominican. He has low understanding of whatever I'm talking about. But he wants to talk the whole time.

He tells me a lot about himself. I'm aware that he's a model. He's told me about girls. He shoot off. He told me one time about a girl. He met up with in a hotel upon meeting her on the street and then when she asked for money because she was a hooker, he said no. And then she took him anyway. That's good looking.

He's good looking. He's good looking. He's a fairer. A hooker just says, I give it to you. The whole thing might be a bad shit lie. I don't think so. But last time I was there, he was laughing nonstop with a straight razor to my neck because a guy came in and complained about the price

of a haircut. And so him and another guy were talking in Spanish and laughing a lot. But he said, tell you what, not one neck. We're gonna do a beard day. Beard day. Get Bobby tightened up. How close was he to Dan though?

Not very. Okay, good. Cause I'm a little nervous if he has a straight edge razor on my neck. Maybe Dan calls him up. I've told him I'm a comedian 7,000 times. I've showed him things online upon him asking. And then he said he saw just happen to see me on something. And when I called him one time, because it's hard to get his schedule down too.

And you got to go, uh, is Isaiah in today and they just put him on the phone. I go, Isaiah, what time are you there for today? He goes, who's calling my man? And I was like, it's Jay, the comedian guy with the radio show. He's like, he's like comedian radio show. I don't know, but I'm here. I got juicy calves. My calves, remember my calves?

He does not remember the calves. I go in and sweats a lot He also throws a cape over me right away on the front of the back on the front That's a told different thing if it's on the back Not that kind of yeah, yeah, we're gonna get your beard tightened up. It's gonna be fucking noise I want to do the straight razor. Huh? You do a straight razor. Yeah What's wrong? What never do it? What?

I mean too many movies You think the guys gonna snap one day and just say you're My hair yeah, but those movies are free hard 1800s Things have changed yeah, no one kills with straight razor anymore. Yeah, do it all the time Yeah, medication now dude I can almost assure you, to 100% certainty that Isaiah is not gonna cut your throat ever. Yeah.

Well, I know it's, you know, it's psychological, but. You just gotta, you just gotta like put that away. I got my, I got my bald head shaved with a straight. That was awesome. It was great. It was great. It was awesome. It was great. It was great. It was great. It was great.

It was great. It was great. It was great. It was great. It was great. It was great. It was great. It was great.

It was great. It was great. It was great. It was great. It was great. It was great. It was great. It was great.

It was great. It was great. It was great. It was great James Fingers. I will say this. Each finger represent a person in the studio. He does. I used to go to some Russian fellows. Yes, Jay. I wanted some Russian fellows who would do the towel on the face. Yeah. The whole shabang. But they gave you a very adult like man's beard cut. Does that make sense? They give you like a like a dosekies guy beard. You mean the most interesting guy in the world? Yeah. That's what they specialize in. Isaiah is gonna come in and give you what you're looking

for which you might not think but you're looking for a little more of a modern cut than that. I know but I don't want to look like I you're not a Dominican TikTok star either. Do I look a Dominican TikTok star? A little but I don't want to look like I you're not a Dominican TikTok star either do I look a Dominican TikTok star a little I don't a little that's not true Come on poppy He's gonna do you get nice, but you're it's not that hot towel, but I still got to shave my head Yeah, cuz when I grow the hair in my head, like I did this weekend, I look 87. It looks bad shit. It doesn't, I wouldn't go that far.

It doesn't look bad shit, but I, I start to look old. Right, so you're right, you have to keep that low, but the hair bald and the beard, it's a fucking solid look. What about a goat beard? We were trying to get Jacob to take his hair down all the way and do a beard. And he started the beard looks fantastic and then it's just it wasn't him

We keep trying to change Jacob and he just won't look as chains are never on I know they're wonderful chain shirt. What's going on? Another wonderful shirt for change? Why don't you have your chains on I just it's a I got to remember to do it never take them all You don't take them off You shower I'd have them here put them on the girls are here the boys in here, dude. You know sexy There's a party going on. I mean, this is the day you weigh your change Do you know how sexy would look in a shower? Here's one picture. You're naked, okay? Your hands against the wall and your head's low and and then that's that profile the chains are hanging

on your head's low and that's the profile. The chains are hanging. I pitch you water, dripping off your not super hairy, but masculine hairy ass and legs. We're also, this page had just happened to be open when we got the chains. We're also discussing the possibility of a leather cuff for Jacob. You know, like the leather thing,

you can defend yourself from a knife attack. I don't know about leather. I think a series of bangles and bracelets. BANGles. What's that? These. Oh. Sorry.

You're going to do that. This kind of stuff? This stuff right here? Yeah, we're Johnny Deppin' you up a little bit. A little bit. Can you put the necklaces on, please? It's a lot of... Oh, good.

Put these side. Well, ladies, close your eyes. And I want you to look at Jacob first. Look at Jacob, look at him. Nice, right? Now, all right, look over at J. You don't have to close your eyes. Just look at J.

Look at little cute J. Look at that. Look at the eyelashes. Look at those. I'm gonna give him cool poses. Give him a, change every 20s. There you go. Do I even- Oh shit. you go. Do I even...

Oh shit! Oh no. Guys, do I even give a shit about radio? No. No. Santa picture this to my core. James, you can't even give a fuck. This is on air.

Give him the interesting face. Like... Oh, I should probably take the leg down. That doesn't seem very interested. I'll cross my legs like a lady. There you go. Mmm, there you go. That's interested, right?

I like that, yeah. That was good. Now, given the, I'm giving a talk at a TED talk, confidence. Okay. There you go, right there. Fingers out. That's it right there, yeah. Great.

And then I gotta talk to him about the power of the mind. Power of the mind. Yeah. And then do an affirmation. Okay. The walls of, the walls of lacking. Someone's gotta help with those chains. I'm running out of stances. Ladies Ladies I'm gonna remind you to stay in

your seats. They're gonna be slipping out of the second. Make sure the stars on the outside. Yeah. Oh look at you too. He's already. You look so much better. No it's a good look. I didn't say anything like the look. I just don't remind me. Well commit to it. What are we going to do? Is there any way we could just lose the blanket on the left? I mean, the change of powerful, but I don't know if they're that powerful.

You look like an old lady in a bug. I just, can I just hold you? Are you hiding crazy varicose veins or something? He's got a pair and a blanket on his lap. I feel like I'm at an old folks home from the nipples now. Is there any way? I mean, just for a second, just for the girls. Ladies, we have some friends sitting in the studio.

Ladies, what I mean, come on, the chains are good. Look. Chains are good, man, right? It's a good look. I mean, it's a different person right now, right? Except for the blanket and the pair. And the oversized thing of tea. Forget about the blanket, the pair and the cliff bar.

And the camouflage water crate. Yeah, everything, forever, the pair. Look, you can't hold your hands like that. They gotta hang on. Like that. Like that. Yeah, be cool. Put your hands like this they got to hang on like that like that. Yeah be cool. Yeah be cool Put your hands like this. Jacob stop giving a fuck man. Yeah, come on Jacob. Let's do it Put one foot against the wall. Oh there he is

You think John should go do it have his list his lip look at that wrist hold it up on the chair You're lip your wrist are too limping coming off. Hey right. Oh, that's a good that's improv. I like that To limp coming off right there. Oh, that's a good that's improv. I like that. Oh, given a fuck. Yeah, there you go You don't even give a fuck fuck it Yeah, I like how slump the one shoulder is that's good. I like that's not given a fuck look at me Look at me go. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck now a little more a little more Come on What's up, dude? I believe him I swear fuck. I believe him. I swear to God, I believe him. That's a different guy.

Time to that song up. I'm gonna see a strut. Can you, can you what? There's a, I'm just getting a little off the top of the pair reminded me of the thing. Yeah. Yeah. A pair reminded me of the thing.

You know the image of it. It's a great. Is that, is that right? One of my favorite throwaway moments in the Godfather Part 2. Mm-hmm. It's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is that it's a great, is poor guys just got married. New wife, new kid. He's working in a grocery store. And he comes home after a hard day's work. And he opens up some cringles up newspapers and gives it to his wife.

She opens it and it's a pair. And she says in Italian, oh, what a beautiful pair. And I've always been floored by that. But this woman is so moved by the fact that how did I struck strike gold? How did I get a guy like this? He brings me home a pair. Do you know why?

Because she was on a ship for three months, shit in a bucket. That's why I can't believe it. Yeah, a pair is inside. Young Don Corleone is a. You would have done it. A superhero, right? Yeah.

You would have thought he took her to let's Sirk Bringing home this pair I know I know you know I love about you Jacob and this is telling of that Jacob likes an appreciative lady. Yeah, that's why he's single and ready to mingle ladies But I'll tell you you don't fuck around you like an appreciative lady. I mean I Felt what you felt to because I somehow decided to fall in love with the least appreciative person the entire universe. But that's the pair.

You want the pair? You want a woman who appreciates a pair. I don't want the pair, but the way we said, spoke's model Lynn, she was like, yo, can I have a better husband? He just bought me a cleaning tool. And she meant it. It wasn't ironic. Don't give me a hand job for a vacuum.

For a vacuum? You gave it to her. I gave her a vacuum and she jacked you off. How's this the other night? She cooks Mm-hmm does all this stuff right and then she goes who's gonna do the dishes? And I said honey, I'll do them. I went up to do them She goes. I just wanted to know that you do. I got it. Go sit down and watch TV Really what is that with you mean by a Handjob like an emotional hand job. Yeah, she hasn't touched my dick in six months. The thing is Chat you off for a bathroom. I wouldn't want to just get jacked off by Christine. I was I'd love to get jacked off Not not by Christine hang on sorry about that. Hey, I could do worse. No, I'd love to get jacked off by Christine

I don't mean I mean not like that Know what I'm saying. You go to San No, no, I would take a hand job from my wife at this point. Yeah, yes You want to get jacked off? What does she do with her face while she's doing it? I don't want to be looked at she can look at her Facebook. I don't want to stand next to me and look in my ear and just jack my dick off. That's weird I'd give her a phone get on your Facebook talk to your friends see with the rep to With your other hand do this and just give you a look away pounder. Hey go on posh mark and buy something Yeah, I don't care dude something somebody else besides me Jay besides me

I'm sick of touching myself. I'm at the point now where I'm fantasizing. I'm fantasizing. I'm like getting jacked off with other people. I'm in the shower using the shower massage, pretending the little spikles of water are somebody else. I think that's a racist term. Spikles. Yeah, I would love it. I got to talk to her about. My therapist told me he goes, you gotta just set a day. Put it aside. You want to put it on a counter like a comedy show?

Killer, killer impression of your therapist. Make it day, put it on the show. Just put it up there and then tell the kid to go out for a little while and have sex with your wife. Do you want to me to tell you, Alex, say you're about to be in the world of voice play? What? You now also can do with minor to no tweaks.

If you're able to do Alan, you can do Ray Romano. You can do Vinny Brand. You can do Kermit the Frog. And there's like four others I can't think of right now. Here we go, let's try Kermit, let's see if I can do Kermit the Frog. And there's like four others I can't think of right now. Here we go. Let's try Kermit. Let's see if I can do it. Why are there so many songs about rainbow? It's not bad. A little softer, a little more pleasant, your voice. Why are there so many songs about rainbow?

Killer. To the other side. I had no idea what Dan Sutter brought to the show was so simple. I really gave that guy a lot of credit. Oh, I remember my, I remember my mom. Yeah. Mom, you're crazy. I'm gonna try to get her a mono. Yeah, mom you crazy No, no a little more a little more Allen in that one a little more. Why why Here we go. Yeah, I don't know come over to the Kids and kids and I know the side meatballs when you make them like my mom Vitty branches the same thing. I do Vinny Brand, Vinny Brand, what?

Hey, nice shirt there, what? What? Huh? What? Hey, tell me a long story that requires me hearing it. What? What? What?

Guys, deaf, if you guys didn't know, is hearing it. Vinny Brand's deaf. Hey, we know. But what is he like to have a conversation? What he does. And he's like, can you scream into this thing in my ear? So you got Josh Edamire is so bad one time. He's like, so what's your podcast about?

He's like, well, I take the first 500 songs and wrote a Rolling Stone in person. Ha! I take the first thing from 500 lists! Yeah, and then I go through a moment of everything goes, I take the first thing from 500 list Yeah, and then I go through a lot of things what and then while he's explaining is what's your favorite album of all time And then Johnson instead of just saying what realizing what's going on? I already told this was gonna happen and Instead I just know he goes

He goes instead of just saying guns and roses appetite for destruction. He goes instead of just saying Guns and Roses appetite for destruction he goes Well in my life you see it was a pivotal time when I was able to pick up Guns and Roses appetite for destruction the way the song Ha! The way the song flowed when it was like a perfect perfect It was insane What would show us? It shows on stage Give it up for the greatest comic in the world. What's really funny? Everybody the Godfather of everything funny in New York City

as soon as David Tell. Big J. Oprah San. And Robert Kelly. And Robert Kelly. What? God damn it. That's so funny. He really can't hear at all. No, what's funny? I've also watched him Like dress down a young calm like two young comics for talking at the bar while he was on stage What the fuck he just said that mouth super he a his super sight now. He can see the other mouth moving He was talking to my whole set. My bartender is my fears. My bartenders are my fears. Like pans labyrinth.

Body parts are all over the place. It's like the eyes on the hands, what a scary monster. Let me get a bit of ear hands. That's how they fix them in pans labyrinth. You have any earhands God damn it. Oh, yes, this is written in pen on the rundown and it should be talked about because I've ignored and almost Forcibly gotten off the phone with Christine all weekend when she started yammering on about the stupid coordination

I was like this is a phone call call I think for Michelle, I said, right? She was like, the coordination. When you see them all there and they're doing the thing, I'm like, yeah, this is like calling your friends. I didn't give two shits about this. This is not a phone Michelle. I don't think I talked to you really about it. No, but when you did talk, I know, like, stopped it and I said call Michelle. Yeah, but I just said, I was like, they said something about the coordination. I knew that you didn't give a shit like you said and watched it all uh I watched a lot of it was a two day event for her I watched it insane I watched it

here's why it's not insane here's why I love the royals because I love America you like the work of Prince Andrew I love America and I love I'll tell you this too. All the little stories and Cinderella and all the little things that you guys like and we grew up with come from that, that carriage, the gold carriage that they put the king and the queen in. That's your question. Is the hang on one second. Is the original, is the original Cinderella.

Now you listen listen because my fingers obviously doing explanation fingers all five fingers go me in pulls everybody not just you the girls look at the guys they're all in everyone's in is the original carriage that all other carriages are from that is a 250 year old carriage and it's real gold right by the way and they rolled that sucker down the street with the king and the new queen in there and they it's it's where every fairy tale comes from Jay so it's with all the fairy tales come from you care about those in bread nerds you really do take those chains You're getting a little too carried away.

I think when we go camping with Bobby, we only lay out on the stars of Bobby and go, shooting star dude, make a wish. I think Bobby was so into this. I think I can go ahead. Fast one question. Was Megan Markle there? No.

She didn't go. They're not royalty anymore. They gave it up. So they can't even go to the wedding? No, she can't even go to... I bet the potatoes out sucked then. What? That was black joke. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Just everybody know I'm twerking. Mm-hmm. The only thing that was a little... The little thing that they did all this stuff and it was amazing and when they brought them

into the room where the crown goes on them, where they actually do the crowning of the king, it was a little, the room wasn't as cool as I thought it would be. Just like a library. No, yeah, it was a library. No, it was like the room that they did it in was a- It's Westman's tribe, are you right? Yeah, it's not as grand as I thought it would be.

Was there bookshelves built into the wall? No, it's not. Because I I thought it would be. Was there bookshelves built into the wall? No, it's not. Because I'll tell you when I go on Zillow, that'll make me walk away from my house and look at it right away. It goes, don't fucking assume I've got seven bazillion books. Oh, you cock sucker. You don't like the book, the bookshelf with the ladder that's attached to a bar that you can slide down like. I like the way it looks, but I'll tell you what, me and Christine literally bought like 15 books to fill the two bottom shelves of our bookshelf just to have books there. I have an opened one. In fact, most of them are books I've already read just so I can have them and go, I have read it before and now it's all my bookshelf. I haven't read that copy particularly. That's brand new. But yeah.

Like a read better. But I would absolutely. I love a library. Me too. But it can't be a full, I mean read better, but I would absolutely I love I love a library me to I Want to be a full I mean it's crazy. I put them all in there They don't know if you're red a man. I'm gonna come in. They go did you read all these? I don't own enough to fill a room's worth of bookshelves Do flea market, baby, and you know what I have I have books that don't have pages in them Oh, you know I have fake books and I put money in them that don't does it. Oh wait

That would be I think you can buy those things. Yeah. That take up the whole shelf and it just looks like a bunch of books. Yeah. And you'd be a real jerk off to do that. No. Not if you hide shit in it. Okay. Now I do like what you're saying. If it's a hiding place for like my AR 15 or something. I have I have a heart. I have hiding books in the house. She doesn't know. I have stashes of, of cast, of Rizza, all over the house in books. But like man books. This one is one of a six shooter small handgun.

Mm-hmm. I have a shotgun. Cut into a Bible. You would never cut the pages of a Bible. I would 100%. You don't care? Yeah. I didn't realize you were so see tanic, dude Nice, no, I would cut a Bible. You're out of my grandmother's up in heaven. She'll kill me. Um, do you go to church still?

No, when yeah, I mean I pray every day. Do you I pray in the morning and the night? Do you take your vitamins also dude? I don't know why you got to make fun of my prayers as I ask you to take vitamins I well I do just want to know if you got to make fun of my prayers. Just ask you if you take vitamins. I will. I just want to know if you listen to all the Hulkster's rules. I do take vitamins. Oh yeah. I take vitamins in protein shakes and I... I take vitamins.

I pray to God in the morning. Do you? Yeah, and at night. On your knees. No, I used to do my knees. And you still have that little baby. Thank you. What's up? I swear? No, I used to do my knees What's that I swear to God this me Bobby dude? I was on the road with Matt Frost and P. Correlli once I think I told you this didn't I tell you this little

That what we were on the road and I and we were staying at Matt's father's house is something It's the beginning and I pray at night. I got on my knees to pray and Corioli was like, Bobby, Bobby. And I was praying, so I ignored him. He goes, Bobby, what are you doing? Because he didn't understand what was happening. And I was like, I'm fucking praying you piece of shit. Leave me alone.

He goes, oh, I'm glad it's working. I'm glad you're finding it, so right here. So don't mind me. I'm praying Bobby if you're sharing a room with someone take the night off of your prayers You can't take in that other f-cup god If you guys don't see you hey, you know, I'm getting kind of sleepy. We pause this movie for a second. I got a quick pray Don't look don't stare me while I do it doesn't. I don't, I don't pray on my knees anymore. Well, it's in a while, when it gets heavy.

But most of the time I'll sit on the edge of the bed. What's up? When Dane, you lay on the edge of the bed with your head back, which way do you take it? You know, on your knees anymore, you're gonna face fuck you while you're laying on your back. Oh my God, you're going. Why?

Because I don't pray. Because you don't pray to my God. I don't pray. When Dane did the prayer circle before a show, did you actually just really try to feel it for like you took it in? I don't like the energy you give me right now. Because he's right because Bobby, there's times where you tried to feel it and you felt emotionally after his speech. There is times.

If you gotta do it a lot, one of them is gonna kill on a day, you're just feeling a certain kind of way. You meant it. God did put us all here. I'm gonna say right now, Dane had a way with words. Of course I did. Dane had a way with words, he had a lot of power.

And when he came swaggering out with that walk and then put his hands out, I mean, dude, it affected you. Let's just put it that way. God, shine your illuminus iridescent light upon us. He doesn't have a way with words To the top Is this the speech? That's what we say at the end. We go to the top to the top TTT triple T

No, what's the triple T? Yo guys. It was TTT 2 TTT 2 baby comedy is a game of inches And he's little inches like this. You want to make those inches turn to big, giant things. And kick flip. And this, and another noise. Kick flip. Now, what you guys to go out there? Be squeaky clean. Don't step on any of my material.

Do good, but not too good. And Bobby, T-T8, that watch off, because they have the same watch. Also, as soon as we get off stage, right back to humiliating Jay Davis for the next two hours. All right, guys, to the top, to the top on three. T-Tay, two, baby. Oh God, what are you going to do? I don't know. I'm so glad that we took our cool, our cool guy pictures together.

Cause I see the thing you know that Gary go I know it's for a show. He's doing it's like about his school days Gary gomen But it's like he had to do a photo shoot taking a picture of himself dressed like a scrappy schoolboy That sucks. It just sucks to do see my the just the tip my first album with jack Vaughn. I do I was naked Oh, yeah, and then something said like swass inside like the cover somewhere. I had, I had, yeah, there it is on the back. That's my tube sock bit. That was Dominican Bobby.

That's what I was from Puerto Rican, but sexy Puerto Rican Bobby to Dominican. She's growing. Oh, really? She's growing. It's like a good picture there and she's going down the bed. I'm trying to make it bigger. I bet you were. Hey, you came into series XM to promote this album and we recorded a take a takeover

on Comedy Central Radio. I think that's the first time I wouldn't met you. I think so. Yeah. I remember that. Yeah. Wow. That's why there's a long time. Comedy Central presents Robert Kelly, DVD and a full length documentary. I mean, that's a long time. Comedy Central presents Robert Kelly, DVD, and a full length documentary. I made, here's the thing, I made a documentary, I made a DVD of the making of a CD. Wow.

That's fucking crazy. I cost Comedy Central so much money. I made, and this is the worst part of it. I made a DVD of the making of a CD and then when we got to the show, I didn't film the show. I just did an audio and Jack Vaughn went, why didn't you film the show? Because it's why I wanted to show the guys in the room, you know, really engineering at working out the sound, working out the kinks.

It's just, it's documentary, you're like, bring the crowd level up, dude. Back down. I did. I got that. Put that in. I filmed this all the way to the show. And then like I was like, this is it. And then we did the show. And then it's just good. You have to put the audio out. And then the cameras turn back on as soon as you get off and you're one of the best shows in my life. Thank God we got the audio. It was I don't think I think I've received 25 cents from that That's good. I'm still paying back comedy central for how much money and the guy who filmed it? They're garnishing your sound exchange the guy who filmed it

But all new equipment on comedy central's dime He just kept buying shit and sending it to Jack and Jack says your good friend He just kept paying the bill and at one point he called me and goes, Bobby, this has to be finished. I can't spend spend this much money. It's not ready yet. Well, it's going for 650. You know, you know, I'll say what the five star rating with one review. Do please check and see if that review is somebody related to

Bobby. It's my mom. I knew when he saw my tit when he was sex. Very funny, very dirty. Yep. This comedy CD is very funny. I also highly recommend Gary Goldman's conversations with an admin objects, both from Boston and members of Dane Cook's tour gasm Both top much funnier than cooking my opinion who said that It sure is your mom. It's a matter look at click the name Give me shit. We'll give him a shit out Wild fan 707 on Eadbay

out wild fan 707 on ebay. There you go. That is a great album. Now it's not so great. He's willing to part with it for $6.50. Well, what's his name? My first album, Robert Kelly Live, self-produced. Steve Beren was at the Salvation Army once looking for probably a jacket. And he found a tight jacket. and he found six copies of my thing Six for 50 cents. He bought all them and stepped on them and showed me a video I'm hurt my feelings one of my that means that means somebody who helped produce this through a The extras they had I know I remember how proud you were of that uh... album cover it's all little pictures of you making the big picture of me and on the inside it's patrick from cringey humor before cringey before the stand yeah the group his ass uh... with uh... with this with my face on it as a

tattoo over at the comedy seller thing but here's this was always ahead of the curve now if you look at the look at this right i thing. But here's, this is why I was always ahead of the curve. Now, if you look at the, look at this, right? I, I had a monster. I had a pet monster would come out on your desktop. So if you put my CD in, which is really a DVD into your computer, I had a joke called the Pista Pants Monster.

I don't know if you remember that. Yeah. The monster, I had something. Is that who you are, the Pista Pants Monster, with the girl's voice? Yeah, yeah, the pista pants monster i remember that is that who you are any would come out on the screen my favorite bobby line is my was go

you know how to go to sporki fine i just love easy for you by the shape of the legs yeah i remember that and then on the next one i was ahead of the game i did vlogging before vlogging j that that thing about the the making the the DVD of the Making of a CD, that's a vlog. That's a YouTube vlog. Well, it's going for $7 on oldies.com.

$7, that's blogging. 14. 14 bugs. Yeah. It was just funnier. On oldies. Live at the village underground, four bucks. Live at the village underground, four bucks. Oh my god

My shit's all over the place kid. Yeah, moving shit oldies calm though doesn't doesn't feel nice. No, that doesn't feel nice Oldies calm. It's next to Jerry Lee Lewis Do you do do up in the middle? Do up in the middle. Tweetily, tweetily, tweetily, tweetily, tweetily. Oh, man. What is that, Archelle? Yes, that was Archelle. I know, I got stuck with that damn recipe.

I get emails from on Instagram, people thanking me and loving me and telling me how much they're behind me and they want me out of jail. When but. But I respond. I respond, I'm like, thank you very much for your support. I don't want to break that heart. So how great would it be though?

Just, you start letting a bunch of young black women who say, I'll be your piss slave. Like, worshiping you. You also have a run of archaea, because his spillover, he's in jail now. He goes, these girls need to get peed on by somebody. Christine, what do you think of the coronation that whole dumb bullshit? It was, it just felt like something from another time and it was like watching history and I was like

Oh, this has happened like this for thousands of you or like a thousand years I said since 1066 I think so it was it was really interesting to see it for sure I just catch the highlights on world star man, and I do like seeing that um The king and like the future King Queen, like William and Kate, I'm like, oh, they're gonna be the best. Yeah, I can't just watch it. I have to like, why?

I watch it with like two black guys watching it. Like, you ever see those videos where two black guys watch something? Yeah. Do they have any of those of your comedy? I love it. No. I don't think so.

They did your comedy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Mike Harry can send me one recently. It's pretty funny. And it's, it's, I'll tell you why I was pretty proud. These black guys really enjoyed it. And it's a really gay joke. It's a joke that I don't know if I was doing

like a black room it would kill. The joke I did, it was closing my special about a fucking Dave Smith, Rosic were friends. I can't do it because we're friends. Like that, but I overly describe like fucking Dave and they're like, but they're laughing the whole time. How do you get two black eyes to review yourself? Do you have to submit it?

You actually might have a bob, you don't even know, I had no idea. I don't have any of that. There's a lot of videos of people watching and reviewing or the call, like reaction video.by Kelly react right to the bobby Kelly that's my wife just throwing it another guy just over a couch getting a pound is going to look at them look at them

do that you know 15 years mosh mellows this shit I don't care much weight you lost you praying queer. Is there nothing? I'm not trying Robert Kelly also. I wanted to be one so bad. There's nothing. There's nothing. I do have you know what I just got in my my possession that I will allow to be played on the show. It's that. It's a tough one. No, I'm just sent me a video of me with hair when I first got in at the seller hosting

bombing really I mean Oh, boy, and I can't I'm the host. I have to stay up there And I oh my god. I start getting corporate. I'm like guys. We're gonna have a good time It's my little Boston voice. Do it. This is gonna be fun We're gonna and as he had told me not to be so dirty up front So I'm like listen, I'd be a little dirty But they told me to be clean up front so I'm you know, I'd say what I would say, but I would say something else Anyways, we're gonna have a good time. I just kept going back. You fucking suck. You look come on idiot

Come on jerk. I hear you're a jack and I just come on guy. Oh, Come on, guy. Oh, dude, I will give it to you guys, and we can review that. Give it to me. Maybe next week. Okay. Maybe next week. Maybe this week, but it's bad. I mean, it's bad.

I've got so much bad on TV. So many bad things I've done on television. Not necessarily bombing, but just like very, very like rudimentary. I've bombed twice on Carson Daily. I've bombed so bad on the first one that I created a nervous tick. That's hilarious.

I literally, for some reason, when I have the microphone when I'm on stage, I hold the cord and microphone and I use the cord as a, like, hey man, right? So they do. I know the move, not you particularly, but a lot of people do that. The unfurling, it's the unfurling of the cord. I've seen that a lot.

That's my little timing thing. It keeps me safe that I'm attached to something. When you do Carson daily, it's a cordless microphone. So my hand would shoot up, and I would just wiggle my hand with the microphone in the air. Oh, hand would shoot up and I would just wiggle my hand with the microphone in the air. Oh wait, we were faced. I literally just did this and I couldn't stop. I'm literally bombing and I kept shaking my hand. So I look like I'm fucking nuts. Not even just nuts, right? First thing I did when I came off, Matt Frost was like, what the fuck were you doing with your hand?

Did you see that? He goes, you wouldn't stop doing it. Everybody saw it. Dude, we did it again. First thing I did when I came off, Matt Frost was like, what the fuck were you doing with your hand? And I was like, did you see that? He goes, you wouldn't stop doing it. Everybody saw it. Dude, we did it again six months later. And I'm like, I won't do it this time. Again. Immediately.

Bombing. It just brought the tick. My hand started shaking. Where's the audience? The audience is like right there, just staring at me. But there they just see fucking, you know, punk master smash, whatever fucking weird band they had to see, cause fucking, you know, punk master smash, whatever fucking weird band that they had to see because cars Good band. Yeah, punk master smash.

Punk master smash. And uh, really good. They do punk versions of smashing. Uh, Puck and stuff. That's why when I did the tonight show, I said I need a corded microphone. They were like, what? I was like, I need a corded microphone. The guy who came up to me goes, Hey, he's setting up the microphone.

When you go for rehearsal, he goes, I even hooked one of these up in 19 years. And I go, well, I ain't fucking doing this stupid shit with my hand again. X, I need it. I need that cord. I almost took a hot one on the tonight show. The first joke, I went,

and I fucked it up. Because they give you a standing o at the beginning. And it was like, I almost went with the, and they, they, they get in your head a little bit like, all right, don't say anything to him, don't do that, don't say this. It's like, for a comic, especially me, I need to walk out and be able to do whatever the fuck I want.

I'll say whatever, I'll be able to look at that and nice shirt, my head, I gotta walk out, I had things I wanted to say to Questlove, like you smell like French toast. I love this guy. It's whatever, you know what I mean? And they, right before you go, don't do this, don't do that. So then you go out thinking about what not to do.

And then I got out there, I hit my mark and I look up, the crowds up and they were standing up. They would give me a standing ovation first, which throws your joke tempo off. Starting as much as I find it hilarious starting dancing from not dancing. Starting joke on late show is also like thank you everybody. Crazy week last week where he gets so much. It's such the worst feeling that you have to do that like I bombed on Kimmel too.

Fuck with it. Robert Kelly live everybody. He's on the road. He's on the road somewhere. I'll tell you where I'm Stanford this Thursday not I'm in Stanford I got one show out there at the brand new comedy club make me yeah, I love it I can't wait to play it and then I'm a comedy mother shit But only one show available all the ones are sold out fuck yeah in Austin So you got to get the tickets now and then I'm in Boston with the great Ron Bennington

That's so cool. We're gonna show it with a majestic theater and Big J.O.K.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.S.box available right now at lwck.com. We'll be right back everybody. It's the bonfire with a new and improved, Change Jacob. Everybody, thanks for listening. That was just a portion of our actual serious XM radio show. If you want the whole thing, the whole damn thing, go to seriousxm dot com slash bomb fire for a special offer that's right and go to big j calmy dot com and robber kelly

live dot com to check out our stand updates coming to a city near you i stepped on the crackle crackle i stink you