The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - High School Humiliation

Episode Date: June 11, 2021

As a youngster, Jay was made to apologize to the whole student body at his high school after fudging some details on a crush to a guy that happened to like the same girl. Jay's mom joins the show to share her memories of the experience. Stream "The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder" for 3 months free on the SiruisXM app! Offer Details Apply: www.SiriusXM.com/BonfireFollow us on all social media @TheBonfireXM@DanSoder www.DanSoder.com@BigJayOakerson www.BigJayComedy.com#CrackleCrackle

The Bonfire Little Bonfire context here. If we could set up some Bonfire context in high school, a girl that you had kind of a crush on and had been flirting around with. Well, crush is like a wrong word for it. I didn't overthink, you know, that we just started for whatever reason. She lived on my grandmother's, she lived legitimately halfway of the two block walk from my grandmother's to my mom's. Okay. She lived on my grandmother's block at the very bottom. You make a left and you were on my block.

So she was right there. We just somehow started organically just hanging out. Sure. And then hanging out a bunch, then I'll start, then you start, when you hang out with a girl, especially she was not really like in that circle. I guess she sort of was, but she wasn't in the circle of like the it girls, you know what I mean? Sure. And you got a JV, you got a level down.

Yeah, but she was very, very cute and was also getting body at that age too. And that was one of the ones you thought you kind of come under the radar. Sure. And go to your shop. I don't know if the world's caught on to this girl just yet. No, I go. When you can, when you can spot it, you know, when they do like divine rotting with water, you can like fucking catch it. Like, you know, like, discolored, can I have you, just, okay, I, all right, nerd girl. Me and you were friends and then like, now she probably just saw us. Oh, this guy's funny.

Yeah, she probably just thought this guy's funny and I'll hang with him. Yeah, you were a charming sweet boy who's also very funny. So I hung in there with that. Yeah, it was a lot of like listening to music and stuff in her house and just doing whatever and then did you Were you falling in love with her? No, but I was liking her for sure. Far more than she was liking me. Would you just sit at home on your on your belly on bed and like kick your feet behind you and just think about kissing her? I think I said this before, but she let me at one point.

Like me and my buddy Mark Asian mark, this is a super Asian mark. Snuck down the warehouse in the middle of the night and we laid on her bed for like an hour and just my hand like a purse shirt on her boobs. And I think she was, I don't know. She was like kind of like facing him, but I was behind, I don't know. She was like kind of facing him, but I was behind, I don't know, it was very weird.

You guys were very weird. Yeah, you guys were into a thrupple. You guys were a thrupple already. But no, me and him weren't doing anything. I don't know, it was very just weird. Whatever that was was very weird. But then I also cut school with her a lot. And like, I don't even remember if we made out,

we may have made out, but like it was definitely more just like, we were both sort of in on the flirt. I did feel like that at least. You know what I mean? Like we were both acknowledging this like sort of like, you quiet like are we supposed to do something? Are we not, and I'm just not the guy to make a move. I just, my personality's just not like that.

Were you excited to see her, you know, we do, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, that's one of the cut school. We go to her because her parents were gone, so we can cut school and stay in her and she had a basement bedroom. Oh man, come on. Like the basement was hers basically. Men never let your daughters have a basement. Her parents loved me. They liked me so much. You were her Dawson. do that came crashing down so fucking no tears think I don't know if we were moving in a direction of like dating probably not

uh... in the perfect in the perfect world I think maybe but maybe not didn't even get there because in our little flirtatious playing around one person just pressure asked me by the way probably would have she she may have been who I lost my virginity to possibly I don't know I think she's gonna be a lesbian but I might be wrong but I may have lost my virginity or done significantly more sexual stuff with her if I said no dude we're just hanging out like I said but I I did say that a bunch and then it was just like when you cut with somebody in like a couple months like 10 times yeah and somebody in like a couple months like

Ten times yeah, and your friends like what'd you do today? I'm like oh I cut with Carly Yeah, and and we fucking You know, I think it could have made me like god if I would just stood firm my ground. You know that now You know, I mean yeah, but I buckle to them basically call me like a fucking pussy for not fucking her by hanging her house And we're like kids still, you know what I mean? Yeah, dude, you guys are like, oh, you're like, oh, you're like, oh, you can't, I was just, I was just like, how would you do that kid? And I just was just like, I just do like,

what do you think? I just felt kind of getting away with it by doing that. And then, oh no, Jason. It feels like three seconds later, a guy who liked her and a guy she liked. Oh no. So I said before we weren't like, you know what I mean? It was just like, I think another guy

showed interest in her and she was like, walked home in them one day and he was like, I would totally ask you out, but you had sex with Jay and whatever. And she was like, excuse me. He's like, yeah, he told everybody, Bimo was just the kid I told. Oh no, well, you know what's crazy about that is it when you're in high school

And you don't realize that that guy was heartbroken when he heard that that's why he did that was because he liked her And then she liked him and he was in a different flotation take her side dude That's fine dude. I'm trying to say I'm gonna give you perspective as a dude I was the fat kid getting excited a pretty girl I'm gonna give you perspective as a dude. I was the fat kid getting excited a pretty girl I wanted to kiss him. Oh Jason are you sweet boy? So at what point to him when do you find out that this shit is because This these kind of situations are always like it was destroyed hitting earth Well, but you always want to warn earth and be like here's my little Jason listen to me now

My name is Dan Soderman from the year 2021. Most of radio show together. You are in big trouble. You are in big, big trouble. Go, go, go to Carly's house and you need to squash this immediately. Dude, I'll tell you what, this is again before this is probably before beepers. Yeah. Definitely before cell phones by many, many years. before cell phones by many, many years, wasn't even thought. So she walks to his house after school from when I gather. And they find this out on his front steps. Now the neighborhood it's like a it's a grid neighborhood in West Philadelphia. So it's like, you know, I mean, like every you can walk the whole neighbor everybody's what everybody gets around her bikes. Yeah, but she's walking so she's got a 15-minute walk to get home. Oh, I'm sure right away. Um, I Guess this happens like after her parents are home from whatever her parents call me

Oh, my parents Parents call me Parents, God when you get the oh God when they threaten to sue me for slander Sizzle me so I know so she was Jewish Yeah, and then I don't know what I don't see on the family reaction go if your dad when it came over with a half a bottle of Jamison and swung it you know to be like oh so Irish do you know Irish neighborhood. No if I if I like I can't even like remember I don't even know if like I fucking ever spoke words with her after that maybe like an awkward like maybe an awkward like kind of like high-buy or something like that maybe but like uh so her but I actually I've actually even reached down I mean this is ridiculous now so I have to assume it's just not seeing it or something like that maybe, but like, uh, so her I think I've actually, I've actually even reached out, I mean, this is, it's ridiculous now. So I have to assume it's just not seeing it or something or

maybe it's a long term, uh, biggest horrible moment of her life. But I've reached out on social media before when I found like in years past, like, uh, just to say, like, you know, like, oh, I've told the story on the thing and like, you know, what this what an asshole I am and say say what a dummy I came off like. And thinking she'd be like, it's like, oh yeah, remember that, but I'll think this is nothing back. It's like, oh, that piece of shit stuff also,

but I think if you go to her social media, again, it's been a while. Actually, it's been a while and I think even before all of, like, let's say it's before me too. So back that far as when I looked at her stuff and whatever it was still very like Maybe it was Trump stuff anti Trump stuff. Reem and anti Bush. Whatever it was. It was like very like It was very just very dikey energy

Dude, so but just to just to complete the story because I'm so interested so she finds out That she goes and tells her parents. Her parents call you. What is that feeling when you pick up the phone? Because this is pre-collar ID I'm guessing. Not even a couple of you are. It's pre-collar ID, I think. But it wouldn't even matter if it was or wasn't. I picked up the phone and it's like, again, it's a house phone.

So my stepfather is like at least, at least my stepfather, maybe both of them are there in the living room. So I get it's cool. So you can't like, you know, they're going to tell by my tone, like what's going on. And you kind of don't want them to know what's going on. So you're like, huh?

And they're like, who is it? And then it's like, who isn't? You got to go, I spent just that the way I was. And I can like, what? And what And that's good. Who is it? You gotta go. That's not the way I'm doing. And I can't. What? And what's the exact age you are right now? Man. You're like 15?

Not what's ninth grade. It's 14. Yeah. So you're like 14 years old. It might be 13 or 14. The worst, I would say the worst age. It might be 13 or 14. I would say 13 or 14 are the worst age.

I think it might be 10th grade. Okay, so you're 15 on the cusp of getting a license? 9th or 10th. So you pick up the phone, Mom and Joe are in the living room, watching some TV and you just get hit with the, this is Mr. Zacholakus. Yeah, dude. I'm Carly's dad.

We just heard the movie. Did they like me so much? Oh no, they knew you I forgot That's I was I was like one of like you know, they talked to me and like you'd stay for dinner sometimes Oh, you were their friend You were you were like you were Were so upset like yelling upset? The father threatened to sue me? I was a child.

He threatened to sue me. Also, that's really funny to think of him. I'm gonna take everything. You're bike. I'm gonna take your favorite trapper keeper. I punched him in the stomach and I said, zoom me for what? Yeah. Dude, are you gonna take my guys? Is he gonna take my guys? Jason, I'm gonna let you know. If I take this to the fourth district court of appeals,

I'm gonna take road pig. Dude, it was a damn man. Yeah, that was shitty. Dude, that phone call though, when you pick up in your face drops, so how do you keep it hidden from your mom and Joe? Are you just like, oh, okay, okay, well, I'll see you later. I'm gonna tell them immediately. But like, as the phone calls ending, oh, okay, okay? Well, I'll see you later. I'll be like, how can I talk to you? I had to tell them immediate.

But like as the phone calls ending, what do you do? We should use my mom call in, but she's so bad at this. My mom definitely has like the memory of what happened. We're talking my hellish, high school story. It came and went, it wasn't like the talk of school forever somehow, but in your head it was Oh, I thought listen it was humiliating but like I made it sort of funny as I remember is short because it's like They made the assembly about like a whole thing about like yeah lying and saying it was fucking crazy

Yeah, lying and saying it was fucking crazy. Yeah, because that's, here's the thing about middle school and high school, is the stuff that you think is massive and life changing, is very, very not. And then the stuff is like, like the stuff that I went through that was truly like changed my life, like with my dad dying and my sister dying

was all stuff at home. It was all stuff at home that I didn't think was a big deal. I didn't think it was a big deal at all. I was like, yeah, whatever, you know, you just fucking your dad dies. But at school, someone saw me in a stupid shirt and that was like a bigger deal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, actually, I have to go prattio this all day long. I mean, Christine, did you feel that way? Because you had your mom at home with MS. And then you're like, you're more worried that a boy found your burn book in middle school

than you're watching your parent deteriorate. It was great when she went into the hospital in February and passed away in April. Yeah. And I remember very specifically, like, my first party was the week she went into the hospital. And it was like my first kiss was in there and my first boy stuff.

So instead of thinking about my mom dying, I was like just obsessed with this guy. And when I think back to like this poor guy, like what I was putting on him. Oh, shit, like you just got all my attention so I could not be like just that. Yeah, we got pussy, he was fine. Yeah, he's like, he goes, I mean, it's true.

You put it on him, all right. We only had, he took my virginity at the end of July, but it was months of just like, oh, like kind of cute dating, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Like, it all hands a lot. Oh.

But the, so, you know know a little more bonfire context where in the middle of the story where Jay had a High school friend that was a girl that they were close sometimes they touched it was heading kind of romantic maybe It is one of the real throwaway It is one of the real throwaway and the fouls. It's a very good one of the foulest things I ever did to somebody though was I definitely

snagged a pair of her dirty panties. Really? Your mom just heard you say that she's on the phone. Hey mom. Remember me in the past.

Hi Terry. How are you? No, I kept them in my bed. How are you? How's everybody? Everyone is doing so great. We were telling the story. I didn't pray for this at all, but we were telling the story of, uh, without giving her

last name, when I got in trouble for telling someone, basically not denying that I had sex with Carly. Remember that? Right. That's such an answer. That's such an answer. I do remember that's such an answer of a parent that didn't want to go through something that you put her through or she's like, I was having a nice life than my son. So Terry, where we're at in the story is you and Joe might have been in the living room. Yeah, so try to figure out what I get a phone call from her parents that says like, Hey hey you fucked up. And so Jay's already established that him and Carly's parents are close

and he's like her friend. They were just very nice. I would like go to dinner at their house and stuff. Right. Yeah, I was a friendly with her. I became friendly with her and we were like, you know, semi-flirty sometimes. But it was, it was great. And then I, some guy was like, you know, come I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm got the call. Obviously, I'd be told. No, man. So Terry, when he gets the call,

when he gets the call from her parents, and he's threatened to be sued by an adult man, slander. How did he, how did he explain it to you? Do you remember? Was he like, hey mom, so you remember? Do you remember with you like hey mom so you remember? Harley I Don't I don't remember exactly how but I do know I made him apologize probably yeah, yeah, yeah, you didn't make me the fucking school made me Well, I you didn't want to do it, but I Tell me yeah, we went to said to you. They told me. Yeah, we went to talk to the principal.

My mom came with me. So it's already humiliating. I have to go with my mom and talk to somebody about the fact that I shouldn't have lied and said, what is, by the way, nobody is hearing my constant pleas of like, I didn't say I did. I just didn't say that I didn't. And they're like, done mad as son.

You did it. We went to the principal's office. And I said, some version of like, done mad as son. Yeah, did it. We went to the principal's office. And I said, some version of like, you know, obviously not this concise or funny, but they were like, you have to publicly apologize here at a school thing or you're expelled. And I said, I looked at my mom, I couldn't have thought, my mom, I thought me and you were on the same page,

we're here, we're like, well, we're're not gonna we're not gonna run our name into the goddamn ground. Well good luck sir I'll say what happened. It's only in this name. If my mom was still a Okerson she wouldn't maybe apologize she had already flipped the script to Marcelino so she was like I don't give a fuck what happens to your dad's shitty name. My mom let me get me to but they are but I was like I've been looking at my mom It just haven't like a alright mom. So I guess you know new school new city new friends, right? Like what is that over and she was like now you're gonna go apologize and we had to go by a husky suit

A double-breasted husky suit for me to apologize in an assembly. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that you ran mother what's it? Yeah, but we went Yeah, I'm pretty sure that you're grandmother much of that. Yeah, but we went Oh god damn it. I had to make that apology. It was humiliating Did you get it tailored? It was like what's the conversation with the tailor while you're getting that suit fixed out He's like you got something fun. You go I'm uh, I am in trouble for I spread some sexual lies about somebody well, just happy. I wish I could tell you that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that eradicated from public school system altogether. It's quite the opposite. It's probably way worse now. But I said, I've tried to reach out over the years to Carly even and like, you almost be like, oh, we should tell the story or whatever. And like, it's never hurting.

She's never like, she's never even been like, she is not over it. I think she may have become a lesbian. Outcome really. I think that's her last. That's our. Now, the one that turned turns you in when you cut school too. So, oh, mom, am I supposed to trust you? If I ever kill somebody,

what if I kill Christina in an alibi? She's like, I'll turn you right in. You know, you told me that all your friends, parents said that they were home that day. And all I had to do was tell them that or then you wouldn't get it in school suspension. Yep. You remember that? Yeah, you said no. Yeah.

You did it anyone. You said, I, yeah, you said I sold you right down the river. So you, you, you hooked me up a couple times. You didn't go and shut down the tattoo shop when I got my 16 year old tattoo. Okay, that's big. She was threatened that though. Did you? I told her you could punish me for three years past my 18th birthday.

Diffuse though. I mean, it was six months. So it was close. Yeah, she gave me a good run. I jumped on a bus like an asshole. Oh, damn, dude, were you scared? Shitless when you're like, don't shut it down. Don't shut it down. Please go. I'm still. It's still exist. He was yeah he was pretty upset that I was going

to try to get the tattoo collar shut down. Oh my god I would have been mortified. It's like mom please don't do that. Dude one time there was a while I was already the new kid in town and now we're gonna shut down the underage tattoo. Oh my god. What are we vigilantes? I was like in the eighth grade and a couple of the cool, man, man, I might have been in between eighth grade and freshman year and a couple of the cool kids from high school were like walking around out in front of our street and we had a basketball hoop in the front. And a couple of the basketball players were like in that group and they were just dunking on it, right?

And my mom's boyfriend was hammered and he was like what a dunk on my record fuck and my mom was like don't fight I'm Joe don't fight on and I remember being like please stay inside please stay inside you are gonna fucking ruin my social life and I just hit I hit inside up in my room like my mom. My mom. My mom didn't embarrass me like that By my mom just again at like you know 24 years old would come into school to bring cupcakes with their big huge boobs You see all the kids like heads like bouncing with their boobs through the room guys take it easy. I couldn't help that Take it easy. I couldn't help that. Yeah She goes what are you gonna do you know sexy mom gotta live it out there? Yeah I'm just a box of me mom. What is it? What's your problem? All my all my black friends didn't call her Miss Terry. They call her Miss Terry

Miss It isn't miss Terry my Pretty conservative back then for being 24. Yeah. Yeah. It's right. You know what? I didn't think about that. You're 24 years old. You should have been going after it.

My mom had me in her mid 30s. So by the time I was six, she was just a sensible 42 year old. That was where in power suits like she was Murphy Brown. I remember being I remember being an age where I could I knew my, I was, I had a babysitter at night where I was going to stay at my grandma's because mom's going to a club. She's going clubbing. Mom's going to go out to the club. Well, she had to find me a stepfather and she did.

But that's, I mean, dude, it's better, better going to the, the, the club than going to Caldonia's and finding a guy with teeth Felonies on his record to come back home. But what's worse now if your parents if your parents meeting each other's story is on like Tinder or something now or that's normal or that or that they met at carnies. Yeah. My mom's dramatic carnies ladies night. Well, here's my question. No, I don't think it was ladies. Maybe. No, I don't. I don't. Mom used to go on Wednesday nights because it was ladies night. No, it wasn't ladies night. It was a Friday night.

Oh, man. I said, yeah, I said, I didn't want to Friday night because I was done school. We were out celebrating that I was done. Oh, yeah. I was here. I was in for some dick because you passed community college. Hey, how are you so, Philly? Jay, stop.

Your mother was out enjoying a two for it was two for one kamikaze night. To go out. But uh, Terry, my question by the time my met Joe, I gave up on kamikaze. I think kamikaze. Don't get along. I just love.

We're following up on my mom. I just, as. That's true. That's true. That's true. That's true. That's true. That's true. That's true.

That's true. That's true. That's true. That's true. That's true. That's true. That's true. That's true.

That's true. That's true. That's true. That's true. That's true. That's true. That's true. That's listen, Jay's going to give this speech. And then we're cool. Everything's cool. And the parents agree to that. Like Carly's parents were like, that's fine. If he gives a speech, I don't even know. I think they just never spoke to me again.

It just shut down completely. But that assembly thing, I guess is what satiated them because it was, I was the only purport, the speaker they wanted something to be done they it her parents were so livid at that point they just wanted something done in my guesses that they probably just wanted to embarrass him yeah yeah that's probably I mean dude why is having sex with me mom why did you just coastline that having sex with me is embarrassing for her. No, I think. She goes, no, look clearly. No, no, no, no, no, no. You clearly see humiliated the idea that she would like you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, because and maybe Kali was embarrassed because you, you know, and not that you should have been embarrassed if that happened. That's not what I'm saying. It's saying you guys were kids, you know, you guys were kids and maybe it was just something that you. Yeah, you sure. I was wrong. Yeah, but then Jay, you brought that old lounge, you brought that old

lounge lizard energy. We were like, what do you guys do in your cut school? You go, what do people do when they lay on a bed and get sweaty? I don't know. I just know. Yeah, little jazz in the sheets. Do you do? Do you do? Jacob, do you have a question for my mother?

Not a question. I feel like she, Terry was trying to defuse them as quickly as possible. They wanted their little victory. Oh, yeah. Well, my mom had no, there was no question in her mind when mind when they said it was basically what do we have to do? They were like he can't come to school here anymore unless he apologizes Public in a public assembly and I just thought I really thought my mom was gonna be like I thought we were gonna leave out of there like laughing over breakfast like

Can you believe that it goes anyway? needs to anyway? Students start working. You're cutting through your eggs with a fork and you go, you know what? I was wanted to be a, I was wanted to be a Lincoln night. I started talking about other high schools. Anything else my end. Again, in today's day and age, if something like that happened and like I said, not that anybody would even care, but it would be around the entire school like wildfire. But back then, it wasn't the same. Back then, it's like, yeah, he was telling his friends, so yeah, well, what do you think happened? What is it that I don't think? No, a friend just won. It turns out he wasn't very much of a friend.

But I'll say this. Also, but I do say it was my first time ever doing comedy because I knew like to get through that at all i was gonna have to be like funny and you're also right what's funny was to have a fucking assembly where ninety percent of the people had no idea what it was going on i was a project and they were like what right that that's what i'm saying that's what i'm saying i said i don't think it was necessary to apologize to a whole assembly when ninety percent of the people probably didn't even know what happened. Like I said, now when things happen, it's all over the school in no time.

Because it's over Facebook and everybody, you know, everything. Oh, yeah, I'd be done. But I'll tell you what's so funny is, two times in my life, I remember it took me back to it. I think I even may have said it that night, but the sound, Dan, we walk on stage a lot. And when you walk on stage, just because the nature of how it works, like the crowd is clapping,

whether it, even they don't know you, it's like now coming to the stage, blah, blah, blah, and they clap and they walk to the stage. Dave Kimowitz's Rest in Peace funeral, when I had to do the eulogy at the funeral and That assembly are the the deafening silence of just hearing your dress shoes click on floor is You're walking to a microphone You just hear those clicks and you're like this is a nightmare. This is going to go bad

I'm not gonna do good here. Do you? How big was the assembly was that the the entire schools at all for grades? The assembly for grades, buddy. This is a kindergarten through 12th grade. Oh my God, you had to apologize to the kindergarteners. No, by the time, wait a minute, was it, yeah, it was already a K through 12. Oh my God. My entire school was in to left grade.

Is third graders hearing your apology? No, no, no, no, wasn't that. It was probably like, but they were the case for 12. It was a case for 12, but it was high school. It was high school. Some of the grades were whole were in other buildings. So it was like the high school. OK, all right.

Yeah. So I mean, you know, it was the entire high school. And I was crazy at most 10th grade, probably ninth grade. Oh, right. Right. And how did you do it? There's those clicks. There's those foot clicks.

When you went up there and you were like, so a lot of you guys probably heard that I'm pretty badass and I'm busting out backs. But no, I said what I said, as you could probably, as any of you probably would have guessed when I said it, I'd lied about having an inc- I don't know if I said sexual, I don't know what I said.

Whatever it was, whatever it was, I remember I had my head was that I was gonna say, I was gonna self-deprecate. That's what I knew I was gonna do though. I was gonna be like, as you probably guessed when I had said it, if you heard, I was lying about doing whatever.

Yeah, and it kinda like got like enough of a chuckle that I was like, I mean, it had to be like, it was like a four sentence apology, you know what I mean? Like, oh, I thought you had to get like a 15 minute set. No, no, no, I'm sorry for anybody I heard. I'm sorry for lying. I'm sorry, you know, whatever. And then I think it was kind of the end of it.

Like, and then they showed like a video where had some other speaker come up, talk about like slanderous lying and saying things about other people. And it was it was. It was. It was awful. How much would you have preferred that they just put up those videos of dead kids from drunk

driving accidents? I tell you what though. I tell you what would sticks with me more. I tell you what sticks with me more than that. For some reason. When I went to my barber with my stepfather to get a haircut before a fucking before performance before a before a band performance. Sure. School band though. Yeah. It was the holiday show. Well, I just did percussion. I was taking drum lessons. So that would do percussion in the band.

Do you know what I mean? Is that percussion something like that? Oh, you had drum line, Oakerson. No, but it wasn't that. I'm saying we they had really good drummer. So I was taking drum lessons. Okay. lessons of the school band i played like you know the jingle bells for the jay to percussion shit yeah woodblock auxiliary auxiliary perfect that's what it's called all right fucking door well well this makes so much sense why you and Christina together flag girl and auxiliary guy

i was an auxiliary guy i played the drums they were just better drummers You're an auxiliary guy You got you yeah, all right. Yeah, I guess I was a glory everything you said I dinged You called it a dinger like I'm just a dinger. I'm back there digging But bill the barber build a butcher more like it. This guy, it was like right at the time where I was like, all right, time to step up and stop doing just a haircut as a child, like time to get the hair styles going on, which is of course the shaved sides flop over top.

I did do that with a barber. No, very bad idea. Thank you, mom. Little late on that one. But he couldn't could have used you that with a barber. Nope, very bad idea. Thank you, mom. A little late on that one. But he could have used you that day a little earlier. My stepfather laughed so hard. He just, I went the line underneath around the sides. And before I could say another word, he just goes,

so like a line here, he just took a whack of my hair way high. So what I'm going to get now is like no flop over just like a tough on the top of my fat head. I was like a retarded guy. I love your mental picture. When you left a fat kid with no facial hair picture me now. So just bleep fucking piggy boy face and a little tough to hair on top of my health. He can ask. So yeah those big risks. Oh my god. I should have been wearing I should have been wearing one of those propeller hats on a giant fucking moped. Yeah, you look like you started every sentence with G boss. Yeah.

Oh, whoa. Yeah. So I got. I was a adorable kid, but let me say, so I do, I get that haircut, and here's what I'm most upset about. He massacres my hair. But the day before I got to do the concert where I was planning on drawing so much

funny attention to myself to catch the eye of a one genessa Farragale, but I'll tell you what, I just fucking looked like a goddamn maniac. And look at, look at, I cut my own hair in an aggressive psychotic state. You're sorry, I came a little unglueed. I came up. Oh, so bad.

He was so upset. He was so upset and Joe cannot stop laughing. Joe, he's a laugh. Did I love Joe? Joe, Joe. He literally, he had a walk out of the barber. I heard the second hand because I was not there. He started his crying and snob.

I was watching it. He was crying. He was sitting outside of the barber. Joe rules. Just, he was laughing. Joe's defense, Joe was possibly still in his 20s, if not his early 30 the time and his early 30s and his little chub step son Is in there getting exactly what you would describe as if that hair cut had a name it should be called the fat child That's that hair cut should be called wait. Did you have a baby Huey?

Yeah, basically parted down the middle just like piano player hair, but only at the top. It didn't flop over. It was just the top. I look like Waldo from the hot for teacher video. Dude, that's so funny. Baby Huey. You cannot even tell that story to Joe now without him laughing. He falls to pieces. That's so funny. I tell you he does. He can't say the sentences without like crack a cackling. He did. He did. He did. He did. He did. He did. He did.

He did. He did. He did. He did. He did. He did. He did. He did.

He did. He did. He did. He did. He did. He did. He did. He did.

He did. He did. He did. He did. He did. Something like wank like right here and I'm like well, it's you can't do anything different now That's crazy what you just did yours was much more painful But I went through a similar thing that was much gayer when I was in eighth grade and the undercut was popular the same Haircut I used to go to the same Scottish guy named Michael since I was five years old You gotta learn you kick it a barberbers when you're looking for a hair style. Dude, it's right at the street for us though. And I was like, anyways, Michael, when I kind of want to say what my hair to come down and then like under my hair, you know, it'll be like shorter or whatever. And I was like, you're not getting a mouth-hawk.

And I was like, I don't want a mouth-hawk. I wanted to be like kind of shaved under my nose. Like, I absolutely will be able to do it for you. It'll look and he just feathered my hair. So it was just like, as it went down. It'll look and he just feathered my hair. So it was just like As it went down it got longer And then I got on the bus and it gets in the back Or like you'll fair a faucet. Why is your hair all feathered?

Yeah, you get a job. You get a job boy Walton dude totally and I was like son of a bitch It fucking sucked and I took my mom and I was like can I shave it? She's like absolutely not you got a You got a Ben Seever haircut from growing pains. Yes. That's exact But I think Ben Seever's was better about saying here's the thing here's the thing my barbers I don't want I don't want to slander barbers right now the barber game has changed you go to a barber You go to a young barber now that guy give you a motherfucker of a hair Yeah, I've moved back to a barber now. I'm back to a barber up here and I love it. Yeah, I love going to bar but it's different.

It's there but we're talking, we're talking about going back to an old just all Jewish man who does. Yeah, back in those days though, they were giving haircuts and it was that each person's like five minutes. Yeah, it was. I'm saying it was haircuts for grandpas I'm saying it was haircuts for grandpas. It was, it was haircuts for grandpas. Yeah, they would make you look like you were going off the war all the time.

Or you had long hair. Yeah, they gave you, I'll take the W2. Yeah, can I have the story, can I have the denang? I want to look like I'm going to be an um, thank you. Hell yeah, well mom. They didn't even do the high and tight or anything of that major. So they didn't do that stuff. They just, just cut your hair. However they are I got here Yeah, they give you a lolly pop person. Yeah, I'm language high and tight

We had good times we had good so much for calling in that is God I love that we can just call your mom and and have her fill. Yeah, well while we lay off I think we turned that Carly girl total Lesbo. But why don't they? It remains to be seen. You've been listening to... SiriusXM's Bonfire! New episodes, every Tuesday through Friday mornings and full shows,

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