The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - How Are You Taking It That Way? (feat. Joe DeRosa)

Episode Date: May 19, 2022

Joe DeRosa joins The Bonfire as Jay gives a coworker a compliment that gets taken as an insult.Stream "The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder" for 3 months free on the SiruisXM app! Offer Details Apply: www.SiriusXM.com/BonfireFollow us on all social media @TheBonfireXM@DanSoder www.DanSoder.com@BigJayOakerson www.BigJayOakerson.com@JoeDeRosaComedy www.JoeDeRosaInfo.com

And now the bonfire with Big J. Okreson and Dan Soder. Christine, the pizza is for everybody. Um, oh, are we back on? Yeah. A little pleasy pizza. I'm not in the mood, sorry. It's a nice thought. So what's that with us? I'm a negative thing. You said it like a dog. He's gonna crack you dude. There's a weight

limit at this party. I'm a lump of shit. I don't know what you're saying. I don't know what you're saying. I don't know what you're saying. I don't know what you're saying. I don't know what you're saying. I don't know what you're saying. I don't know what you're saying. I don't know what you're saying. I don't know what you're saying.

I don't know what you're saying. I don't know what you're saying. I don't know what you're saying. I don't know what you're saying. body was that we were we were laughing at the idea of you taking off your shirt this is you showing off a fucking just a fucking nice turd cutter alright dude keep your fart factory private I guess was brumski a real thing or was it just in that you'll piss your both catch that's all I know it from right I'm a motorboat lose cheeks I never see a comment. I'm gonna get a drunk one day

I'm not gonna turn my back on you Yeah you are. I'm coming behind you one day with a grip on both, dude Watch what happens Are you gonna deck me? It's automatic, it's automatic Okay, I'm sorry, I guess, but if I have a couple of drinks you'll come back and watch me gay off with my roommate. I asked to see your butt,

you're gonna fuck a throw a punch. Damn, will. Yeah, odd reactions. I guess Pearl Jam didn't cancel that week. Those two predators were more respectful than you are. I bet you show your ass if that he better asked. Yeah. Oh, no.

Which matter? Show me your butt a little bit. I think that it's good to show your butt. If your friends ask, every once you know what each of those asses look like. That's Johnny Devin. I don't have to. They all sound the same. Yeah. They do.

All those long hairs. They all sound the same. Oh, it's got their long hairs. Oh, so this is what I was going to tell you the story of the roast battle. Yeah. So they took kids' battle and they bombed. And the judges were me, Voss, Blair, Saki, and in New York. No, was that South by Southwest? I forget who I'm blanking under the fourth judge was. Anyway,, they was Sean Patton, but we we so we they trashed them You know what we do you know trash them and

After the show we were all in the green room at the creek and I saw one of the kids and I go hey, man Good work out there, dude. It's not easy like you you did a good job man, you know, and he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, and I go, yeah, so cool, and he goes, and I go to walk away, and as I go to walk away, he goes, you could have maybe said some of that while I was out there, and I was like, I go, what? You did it in your face. Oh, you fungled. Yeah, and I go, I go, what what it goes show funny, yeah

Yeah, but he goes you could have said something that what I was out there. It's hard work and whenever I go are you kidding? Are you roasting me? Are you reverse roasting me? right and uh He's like no dude. I'm not joking. I'm serious man and I go how old was it? And he's like, no dude, I'm not joking, I'm serious man. And I go, how old was he? I get his 30s, so the old guy's like grown up. And I go, and I go, and I go, and I go, and I go, dude,

it's roast battle. Like you're out there and we make fun of you when you don't do well. That's what the show is. The whole point is to roast people. And I go, dude, I've been there. I've done the show and bombed. And like, it's's fine and he's like

No dude, but you know we fucking work hard and we you know we look up to you guys You guys gonna cut us down and like you don't understand what like you giving us a leg up with do and all the shit right and I go I go bro When I did it and I didn't do well nobody was nice to me. Do you hear me fucking whining about it? And he goes no dude is supposed to go and I go okay, dude you want the honest truth you stunk You weren't good. I was just saying that to be fucking nice dude and he was like oh well should I go I fuck off man. I just walked off and then I I turn around like 20 minutes later. So I'm yelling it Turn around like 20 minutes later so I'm yelling at somebody else Like god your dildo dude like what the fuck I'm a person now he cut out for this no no no fucking roast

Man ask you to see your ass you show your ass fuck roast how many times did you get shit on I said this to him? I go I go you're one back in shit on a roast I go dude. I've been shit on by headliners. I open for yeah like because I didn't do well How many times you do the laugh house like something you get up stage of comic are going to be like Jesus Christ y'all Give that white boys and praise coming out here anyway, trying to shit. Oh that hockey gonna kill himself Damn listen that white boy home kill himself. Yeah, yeah, dude. I mean Jesus Christ man like Holy shit. Yeah, well, I think that thing's going now Social media's got rid of that, but he's like old enough to know He's not like if he was a 21 year old kid,

I'd be like, uh, these think it's better that he's a 30 something year old failure. No, no, no, no, no, I don't think it's better. What I'm saying though is, is a younger kid, I'd be like, that's, I guess it's just like, that's their generation or whatever. This kid's old enough to know like, he started comedy at a time when it was like,

no, that was still a good thing. Maybe it was his first love, but who knows? Whatever it was, do better, shut up. Yeah, it goes out kind of. He had some decent lines. Not on back, Pell, you said he's stunk, you told him I was fucking stupid face. I didn't do well, but I mean,

he was talented enough that I was like, he'll be better next time at this, you know? What? I'm getting next time, bud. You'll live and you'll learn. I mean, God, dude, I ate my fucking ass when I went against Jimmy Carr and just for laughs. Yeah. Oh my God, dude.

I bombed the only laughs I got are when I turned on the audience. Really? I started screaming at them and I was going, I was just fucking hard, God damn it. And they started laughing because I was giving them shit. It is so hilariously, that is the speech though, of like not doing well in a concept, anything show.

Anything worth not just you doing like your stuff, where you can't blame anybody else. Like the instinct to blame outward is the funniest. I said, I was that set list show, that was the best. That's the funniest one that would happen. You see somebody goes, hey, when I host that set list show, that was the best. That's the funniest when it would happen. You see somebody goes, hey, you want to do the set list show? You know what it is, right?

It's, they put up a wacky phrase or a word or some goofy thing on the screen and you're supposed to make comedy out of it. Yeah. And act like it was just part of your thing. And then they get two or three where they just got nothing. They'd be like,

um, okay. Okay, grandparents, Paloza, okay, grandparents, Paloza, grandpa, blah, blah, blah. Okay, you know, it's like fucking, like comedy's not hard enough as it is already. And now we gotta think of some of them fucking words. It doesn't make it like, buddy, sure. But like, it's the show you agreed to do.

I don't know if I know, I know, I know, I know. Come here and fucking make some funny out of that bullshit. Who's ideas this in my defense? It was a funny lash out. I was like you know I made it I made it like I was purposefully funny of course Yeah, I'm just saying the actual thing of that like the fucking the pistol yeah Every time I do this fucking show god damn stupid concept Poor pop events a by the way

This guy came up with one of the coolest most original ideas and stand up for a show with set list every Fucking mama Luke has ripped him off dude. I mean how many fucking shows are there where it's like it's just a variation of set list With set list. I'm not familiar with it. With set list? Yeah, one of them. It was a show called set list. And you'd go on stage and you couldn't do your set. And they would have a screen behind you. And the screen every two minutes changes with a new premise.

And you have to riff the premise, but the whole trick of it is you're not allowed to make fun of the show. You have to just act like you have a joke written about this already, and the better you are at selling it, that's the whole game. And I think there's a winner at the end or something like that. Nevermind. I did it. Why did it never a winner?

Maybe there's not a winner. It was just like a thing of like go up there. Can you do it? It was just like give you weird things. I, the way I do my comedy lends itself a bit to being like, okay at that, that's what they have me host it, to begin with. That said, it was like, it got away from itself a bit. Like I think first show like that,

I think it would have been very, very, probably more popular and TV seasons possibly of that if it had been a little more touchable for the comics. You know what I mean? Like I did the crowd work show basically it was do whatever you want, but you can get comics in a role

by just doing like the word like shitty mother-in-law. So you know what I mean? Like just like a better thing that it wasn't like that. No, no, no, I agree. It would be like ghost fart break dancing. Yeah, that was very, very hard. So like that, we're like, ghost fart break dance. That's not even like, it was very hard. But I just mean how many comics ripped off the thing of like not not your show, by the way. Like I don't mean a crowd work show., ripped off the idea of, you know, you have to go out there and you have to pretend that you're doing a set.

You know what I mean? Like a lot of comics kind of just took that and renamed it. Sure. And I feel, I'm like, God damn, that's, I just, you know, I don't know. I was just sticking up for Paul Pervenza. He's my listener, so I was never getting back to him. Yeah. I guess I'm going to ask all of them sticking up for Paul Pervenza. He's no listener, so he's never getting back to him. Yeah, I guess I'm an asshole. I'm sticking up for Paul Pervenza.

That's all I've got. Sometimes over here being a fucking stupid idiot, in my bed, right in mean two. We, I watched Jacob, this make you so happy. I did dig in a little bit last night to some amber herd cross examination highlights. How great is his attorney? Yeah, that lady hates, it's two girls being bitchy girls to each other, which is great.

I love her. She's like, Miss Herd, please look at me. Number one, two, and maybe answer the question I'm asking, but I didn't say that. She sucks. Amber heard. I don't know. I think she's going to, I think Johnny Depp airing this trial is going to effectively one get her done with, I think no one's gonna

want to work with her anymore. I think she will be done anything. She was getting some pretty big stuff. She's rolling over now on the people that did support her. Is she? Yeah, so for instance, like when she started shooting Aquaman 2, she posted it, she was posting all the stuff leading up, like, they can't get me. The fans want me.

You know, like Aquaman 2, we started today, baby. Can't stop the rain. You know, whatever the fuck she was saying. Now she came out a week ago and said, Warner Brothers tried to push me out of Aquaman 2 when all this stuff started. And it's like, you don't do that. You don't do that. They fucking got your back.

And now you just aired their dirty laundry and it's you know what I mean It's like she's in a letter saying like what call. Oh, yeah, maybe I won't do I'll come in to what color the sheets on your bed Why this heard why do you want to know that he goes? Oh nothing? How would you look with a little painting on them? No, no, no, miss her please I heard to just come shit at your house if you fuck her over So just Duke wherever wherever she stands. Did you see the psychiatrist? Are the counselor, the therapist, that says what she's lying? When Amber Herd's defense or attorney rather,

keep asking about the muffins. Oh, the gorgeous fucking insane. There's a couple things. Johnny Depp's psychiatrist. Yeah, Scene. There's a couple things. Johnny Depp's Yeah, yeah, yeah, she was awesome. Yeah, was that yesterday we watched that when her lawyer objects himself? That was just no, no, no, no, that's Couple weeks ago. That's tomorrow. It's coming out tomorrow. We talk about Yesterday, yeah, so fine. I have Jackson's you asked the question

Stuttering and you just you just ask the question He's stuttering and he goes You asked the question bitch. Okay, where were we? You hear the paper shuffling which is always hilarious like Petwalsh Well, like one of the things he always writes in text like it makes me laugh so hard when he's like describing being awkward He always puts parentheses paper shuffling It's the sound of the person just not knowing what the fuck they need to do and you literally hear the paper shuffling with when her Attorney is trying to it's wild the thing I watched yesterday when I got home to some of the clips

And they're so they were playing the audio of he secretly secretly record her? Is that what it is, Jacob? I think he did once, and it was probably saved his career because she admits, yeah, all right, I fucking punched you, but I didn't punch you. Yeah, and she's like, and she's like, but you punched me, goes, I pushed you off of me. She goes, push, punch in the face, whatever. Which is really like that. But what it is hurting Johnny Depp.

And I'm, he's a great actor. I'm sure we'll get something again that his big comeback thing. I'm sure. He's that good. But, but that's it. He's always, it's like, he's just showed us asked too much like hearing him.

I mean, at one video where he's drunk and making the wailing noises? Like, whaaat? My favorite tape is, I'm gonna, I'm gonna cough up myself to do the effect of the tape cutting off. The way it did when they played it. But you just hear her go,

I'm not your fucking target. I'm not your target to throw things at any more. You just, you just go, just go, shut shut up fat ass. And it just cuts off. Ah, shut up fat ass as he says to her. Yeah, it cuts off so perfectly. It looks so funny.

It is pretty funny to two attractive people like that or fucking I mean it's insane how much people are something terrible happen in the world Right, because we keep getting text from well my agent who no one texts me more during bonfire than my agent He doesn't like he's not aware of the hours Lewis keeps hitting me up. What could this possibly be? I Lewis keeps hitting me up. What could this possibly be? I didn't notice where you're checking. I love that Johnny Depp's side of the courtroom. Like his look, there's so much more fun. There's candy on the table and they're hugging and laughing and coffee. Yeah. They just have an party on their side. Did you see when they fist prompt? Oh, after she

wrapped her. She was on the stand, she mentioned his ex-wife and and and and and then situated that he had abused her, but his ex-wife is supporting him. And anytime somebody gets mentioned in a testimony, they can then bring them onto the stand as witness. So when she mentioned her, the ex-wife, they literally all turned and started like pumping their fists because they were like, we've got her now Like we can bring the ex-wife in who's gonna say that's a fucking lie like you lied about my experience with him Crazy man, it's crazy. Yeah, by the way, nobody got through this pandemic safe There are the two hottest people in the world. Johnny Depp never heard they look like dog shit. They're like dog shit. Yeah, but him. Dude, I'm playing those tapes is so

funny, dude. She's always like, he's like, why are you hiding it? But she always describes it in such a weird way. It should be like, and then he left me, well, Christine, you were saying, how dramatic it was. And then he left me there on the closet floor. Did you get up? No. I said, how dramatic does the fight have to be that you me there on the closet floor. Did you get up? No. I said, how dramatic does the fight have to be that you end up on a closet floor at all? I bet you went from screaming the crying in an instant that Amber heard. Her face was made out of candle. I don't know what's going on with her.

She used to be hot. I'm saying they both used to be hot. Even when I saw another video where they were showing her a video of her original deposition, like 2016 or something, and she looks so much hotter. She looks like, she's like chewing gum. She barely cares. And it's like, did you hit him and rape him? And she's like, yeah, is that what I said?

Sure. Shouldn't care. Yeah, I guess. The Johnny Depp now look at the beginning of the Tim and Eric movie, they have a Johnny Depp lookalike. And Johnny Depp looks like the Johnny Dept look alike now. Oh really? Yeah, and like part of the joke is that the guy looks kind of like off like a little bit, you know what I mean? Like and that and Johnny Dept literally looks like

the look alike down like they both I think that God damn it. Hearing him be just so not normal is the wrong word is like going through the woes of like it's like why you see me I think you mean to me Like they're just being these like little goofy arguments you'd have with like a significant other right it looks so funny It's too real it's too much inside of their life He actually would like beat her up. Yeah, in's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, picture in fact from the next day missed and it's her like modeling like jumping on a beach like so happy. Like she just reads crazy. Yeah, well the the thing I mentioned it tomorrow, but I didn't mention this part of it. The interview I watched with the like lie detector lady.

I don't know what her title is. She talked about like what? Lied detector bitch. Lied detector bitch, yeah. Yeah. She talked about what liars do. And she said like a telltale sign of a liar is changing of tenses.

Oh, those are gonna say like if they say the attended ninja school, that's not real. That's not a thing. They tell you they're half-dog. That's not a thing. Anybody that says they're an inventor. That's never true. Not true, as a living.

That's not true. What's the difference between an entrepreneur and an inventor? I'm, watch Shark Tech every week. I'm trying to figure out the difference of that. Entrepreneurs just need to start your, start a business like a yourself starter. This is a better word than because no one takes an adventure seriously because they really come on I go I'm an entrepreneur and I'm here to bring to you the perfect toilet paper roll inventor inventor inventor has to be a product entrepreneur. I think can cover both

I'll argue inventor was never ever used as I think can cover both. All argue, all argue, inventor was never ever used as someone's occupation until the movie Gremlins. That's what I was going to say. It was, from 1981 to 1987, people believed you could be an inventor for a living job. By the way, I was thinking with a try to invent,

like when they did show inventors and movies, they were always inventing like a multiple uses things that just not necessary. Even at our high level technology now, we really don't need it. No. Do you know what I mean? It's a shave thing.

It does all the shaving for you. It shaves like this and it changes that and then there's a mirror attached to it. Yeah, the bathroom buddy. Yeah, the bathroom buddy. That was, it was that. So inventor, and then the other thing 80s movies did was they made you believe you could do more

If your computer that just type on it You know they would be like They would be like designing like graphics that in real time It was so crazy. What the computer did in weird science is nuts Now I forget the idea of creating obviously creating the woman and everything was nuts. I'm not talking about that. I was talking about what was on the screen of the computer. Like they looked up a woman and then they typed things. Yeah.

But it was like, Seaco and double backslash D greater than sign. Yeah. And then it's like, okay, here we go. That's the code for bring woman to life. Click. It's not, dude, in vacation, it's crazy. When he, like, maps out the family trip on the computer and then Russ eats the car with Pac-Man,

it's fucking nuts. Like, I don't understand what the suspension of disbelief was back then as a movie goer, that you wouldn't be like, this is ridiculous. Like, you can't do that with a computer. I have a computer, you can't do that. No computer I have a computer you can't do that no by the way you know they were so expensive back that it's crazy dude the apple the apple in 1982 the apple computer was three thousand dollars yeah I mean I made it seem wasn't war

games the idea like nuclear war can be started from a computer that has like green letters on a black screen like my school computer. I mean, yeah, he goes, what did you do? Did you start nuclear war? He goes, no, I did a logo and it pent up pen down. I just rewatched War Games. I love that movie, but I mean, he's still got the 12 inch floppy disk that he has to put in to crack the government database.

Yeah. No, man, that movie made computers look awesome. Yeah, and it was I'm going Broderick. I'm always obviously Ferris Bueller, but I'm going Broderick serious Go on project next every time Really? Yeah, never liked it when the monkeys getting radiate and he looks back and he's like thought we were friends. Oh What happens? It doesn't give me like a thumbs up. he's like, I thought we were friends. Oh, what happens? Like a thump doesn't give like a thumbs up. He's like, it's cool.

I think my eyes are melting, but I'm fine. What happens in project X again? Teaching monkeys to go to space, right? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Radiating them. Oh, maybe you're right.

Whatever was he. They radiated one and it was his buddy and he was like, they show him in the room. So you can find that project, he's getting radiated in the room and like, to put the monkey doesn't know. So I think he just looks back at Matthew Broderick. Like, this is fun.

And then does it die? Yes. Like in the moment does it die? I believe so. I think so. I think so. It's a, it's a, it can't pan down. Jesus, that's rough.

Dude, Lewis just had sport put down and had to go and there for the whole thing it sucks for sure but he to me the thing is I was talking with Christina is it's funny obviously and also just gut wrenching that like God for we ever got to put our dog down and for months but more than my emotional attachment that's like I can almost like process If I'd be able to process better if one day I came home and it was like wait, where's the dog? And it's like Dogs gone ran off or whatever, so you know, I mean like he's like, oh man. Yeah, that fucking sucks

It was of show how much more I care about that dog if I'd like bring it to that's what I'm saying You bring these dogs into the place. They're always like like oh, man, oh this place they have the best snacks. What are we doing here? Like the idea of that like bring them in they don't know what they're going in for like what's this the old You give me the shot and I get out of here a little scarf on my neck. I think usually the dog not to be more But I think at that point the dog is like Christ please Put me out of my misery man. What do I'm it a tough time here when Lewis was telling me this story. I guess I think he told on his show, but he was telling me that he said it on skanks, I think, when they were putting the dog down.

He was sitting there with his ex's roommate, his old-world roommate, who like loved the dog too, and it was just him and Lewis there. And they were sitting there both crying like the doctor leaves when they give the lethal dose and the dog goes down the heart stops Mm-hmm They leave the room they give you a few minutes with the dog and they were sitting there both crying about the dog And how great sport was and what a what a lovable dog he was he was the best dog and then just something happens afterwards They say they're sitting there. He goes And then just something happens. The afterwards they say,

they're sitting there. He goes, opens his mouth and his teeth show and his eyes open for his leg. I was like, yo, no matter if that was my dog for 25 years, I would have grabbed it by the call. I was like,

a zing did off of me. That happened to me. Back to Hell You Beast. What happened to you? Yeah, that it's, they don't tell you the best thing. I don? Yeah, that's... Well, you put down. I'm cousin. It doesn't tell you that to put my dog down.

I was... bawling. And then the air let out of his lungs. I don't tell you that the muscle just relax and you just hear like a minute later. And there are... Is it gonna open the mouth and say? I jumped.

Uh-huh. Because I thought the moment he had passed And she said oh Yeah, that happens Because it was crazy and freak lose us so much. He said he didn't even ask what it was When he's up to get back in there like I buy Jesus yeah, that's not disturbing. I couldn't I've never put an animal down. I lost my my dog ran off once and I couldn't. I've never put an animal down. I lost my dog ran off once and

It came back, but like it was it's different. It's different. Dude when it came back it was different. No, no That was the same when I came. Oh, just sad when when there was she was gone He was gone for like hours and it was horrible, dude Really? Yeah, because it happened. I was at the improv in Hollywood to get ready to do a set and the fucking dog walker called me and was like Your dog just like ran away So I'm only charging you half for it. Yeah, and I think it was a lie I actually the guy took the dog because my dog would never have run away my dog would like you think your dog We're just took the dog well. I did because the the guy's story changed a couple times,

which did make any sense. And Khan never ran. Like he, he would, like when he didn't like somebody, he would back into a corner and like get very vicious about it. Like he just, I'm like, there's no way he abandoned ship. He just wouldn't have done that. And then the guy's story changed a couple times. And then the way he came.

He's like, I think I recruited by the porn industry. The way he came back, dude. I like the different stories. You can tell somebody where's your dog or those. You know what, I turned my back for a second. And next thing I do, I think the Scientologist brought him into the thing. He's getting e-meter, reed right now.

He motor check over there. How where is this? There was like a bang on my door in the middle of the night. Like I went out looking for him and then eventually you hit a wall and you're like Yeah, you just can't do anything else like I'll try again tomorrow and I I went home and like I heard a weird bang on the door At 4 a.m. And I went to the door and he was just sitting there Really I was like somebody fucking brought him here and now maybe somebody saw the flyer and found him. Yeah, I don't know it was weird

Man, I'll tell you what it was weird if our dog runs away Christine's gonna have me out far many more hours in Iowa possibly be out. I'm like, well, I'm tough to god now You know like what is it seven? APM we've been out here since five You just live like on two the corner of two major streets. Yeah, and so it's just terrifying like the thought of forgetting out there You just go like a couple blocks over and it's the park and it's a little more secluded But just right where she's right because she is next level stupid. Yeah, she's dumb like she's not a smart puppy Don't make sure me screaming at a creature sit over and over again

Just not screaming, but just go and say sit talking seriously sit How do you do it sometimes do it this time sit sit you're hearing the word again? I know you've heard the word before sit. It was looking you like what's happening? It goes but you get things when you do the thing you're told why you're not learning that yet. Yeah My brother he's got a few dogs, but one of his dogs, Darcy, she has a leukemia. So the lower half of her body doesn't work. So she drags herself onto on her front paws. But she wear a bandana on her head. Oh, my God.

Her back legs just like trail behind her. Real behind. She just drags her own dead body around. But she's happy, but she'll look up and she'll just smile at you. It's heartbreaking because it just keeps crawling. The leukemia is basically crawling up her body. She can't crawl after you face it. Why don't they get her a little wheelchair?

She doesn't like it. I mean, my nephew just takes care of her. Like, like, anyone else would have put her down by now, but she's fine. She doesn't feel pain. Kristen, you should know before I put Dawkins in a wheelchair, I will squeeze her through the six inch gaps of our windows from burden by a wheelchair dog. Man, that's tough, dude. How long does she have to live? I mean, the vet said by now it would have happened,

but she's a... What's bucket lister? What does she think she wants to do first? You want to smell all of our asses? You want to bring her to small of our asses? You want to get some ass smell for the dog? Bring home with you from all of us. Not Lou, actually not Lou.

Wow, man. God. I kind of want another dog. They don't know. I'm just happy to be alive. So she's just going to wait for the dog from natural. I guess you just got to once she can't like you go to the bathroom anymore. That's it. When she can't shit any longer. Nothing comes out. Now it does. Yeah. Oh, she can go to the bathroom

even though she's like my nephew has to hold her back up like so that she shits. Oh, really? Yeah. Girl she'll shit on herself. Oh, oh, well that's bad. I was gonna say, could we give leukemia to Dawkins? So I mean, I don't mind shitting her every once in a while, but otherwise, if I don't shit her, she's gonna shit on herself. Now I can't be prepared for her shit falling out at all times. Let her shit it herself. Yeah, she shit it on herself.

Yeah, that's rough dude. That's rough. That's really rough. Sometimes I think about adopting like a one like, or a three-legged dog or something like a dog that Other people don't want to take, you know, yeah, you get that bad fruit sent to your house same time I'll sound like a company that sends bad fruit to your house. What's that? There's companies that give you like vegetables and fruit no one wants because it looks like someone fucking punched it

Oh, yeah, I actually heard those services are awesome. Like you get like tons of great stuff. Oh, probably. They're just like weirdly shaped as all, which I guess who cares, right? Yeah, so you want to cut this black eye off this tomato. There's still some tomato in there. Cutter, eat around the fuzz. Yeah.

Hey, you want some of this orange juice of the ratten meat? Yeah. But it's also just shows, I don't think it's, do you get to pick out your groceries or they just like, all right, here's some coconut oil that someone peed on. And I think- This is stuff that nature is imperfect,

but when you go to the grocery, like for peaches, you'll never see an odd peach, but there are a lot of them like that. That's actually freaks me out. That's the stuff it just goes on to the ground because they think people won like that. That's actually freaks me out. That's the subject just goes on to the ground because they think people won't buy it. It also freaks me out at the grocery store

how perfect, perfect, all everything looks. It just looks weird. I get the most perfect one. Maybe two, and I eat the shit out of it, but I'm saying when you step back and think about it for a second, you're like, something's not right here. I hope there's a laboratory with chickens in them for KFC.

I wanna believe, I believe all of it. I want chicken doctors running that lab. Come on, science. I don't want to kill cows for burgers. Is there a way to just make like fucking mindless cows in a tube somewhere? When they said that thing about, because can you believe that?

They have those like chickens, just breeding chickens and tubes they're growing and I'm like, great. No, that bum's me out, man. Well, you think they have those like chickens, these breeding chickens and tubes they're growing and I'm like, great. Now that bum's me out, man. Well you think they have mines? I thought we were just doing chicken stuff. I gotta tell you, aside from eating, I hate the chicken. I hate the chicken as an animal.

Oh fuck chickens. What about a chick? The chicks are great. No, the chicks are. You know the grow up in the bee? Stupid fucking chickens. You know what, do you know what happens to chicks? I know they turn the chickens, but chickens.

No, no, no, no. They get fucked. No, no, oh! up in the bee stupid fucking chickens you know what you know what happens to chicks I know they turn the chickens but they get full oh no you know what happens to chicks uh and I'll credit the source on this uh Brian Quinn our friend told me this on taste buds oh nuggets no no way worse oh really I think that's pretty bad. Well, you're one to why a farm only has one rooster and not a bunch of roosters, which is the male chicken. Oh, they kill all the females. No, no, they kill all the males at birth. When chickens, when chicks are born, they put, there's two conveyor belts. They put the female chicks on one thing and that takes them to like to the where the farm will be. There's a whole American dad that a whole thing about salt. Any other one just go it right into a grinder

That's it. They never know what hit him. They just go right off the edge into a grinder. Yeah, that's why there's no male chickens anywhere That's horrible and the reason farmers won't raise them for food is because they are more expensive to raise and It's not as popular of a meat. Plus dude, they don't want to become a whole sausage party, you know what I mean? Yeah, you can eat it. It's a little harder to prepare but you can eat it. That roosters actually fucking more men's. That's not fucking cows too. No.

Yeah, yeah. They just kill. No, no, you have male cows. That's what a bowl is. Yeah, but what do they do with that? Joe, I like to fill over this kind of information. It's let her round fucking let it Yeah, I don't know you let it run into Johnny Knoxville What do you do with your bull?

I don't know smash Johnny Knoxville's palvestones And think about not eating me. Yeah, and then I went through that to that'll pass The dog eats meat I know a little pig dog eats meat doesn't it? Christina's cooked for the dog 2,000 percent more than she's cooked for me. You know what are you cooking for it? It's just turkey meat I used to make cons food But I but it was because it was like a good balanced meal for him. And he would eat it all the time.

But I would do ground turkey, sweet potatoes, and broccoli. And he would eat the shit out of it. It was so easy. You could make it all in a crock pot. It was so easy to make. It was cheaper than buying dog food. Yeah. I'm mixing it with kibble right now, but I was going to move into doing it with oats.

Oh, yeah. Sometimes she's a bush, which is weird. Your dog? Yeah. Oh, you make Christine. No, no, she has a bush. That's not weird. No, she has a bush, that's normal.

The dog looks like a little bush. Beaver hairs. I don't like that. And it's kind of long. Dog pussy freaks me out. Do I shave her dog pussy? I get it. I get it.

I gotta tell you, I gotta stick with male dogs. Dog, but the side of a dog pussy really freaks me out. Do I shave or dog pussy? I get it tube. I gotta tell you I gotta stick with male dogs dog But the set of a dog pussy really freaks me. Yeah, it's a little too to know why it just freaks me out because it comes out Here they're a little lipstick comes out. There's this one dog that's like really into humping dockins right now in his little lipstick Come that's that's gross. I fucking punch him like you're trying to fuck my daughter. Hey dude. That's that's gross The lipstick dick is gross. I agree but but the show about a dog V I don't the dog feet. I don't mind the dog V at all the bush is weird But the dog yeah, it's real weird man. She's these long hairs on her box. Do I shave her pussy? Get the get the groomer to do it. Shae, can you shave my dog pussy? Maybe nice little triangle.

I promise you you're not the first person to ask that. Yeah, there's no way. The first person has to hit their mustache. Yeah, can you shave it into the lightening bolt? Yeah, and then I'll get tattooed T.C.B. Around the lightening bolt, taking care of his little flyer. Shhh. I promise you you're not the first person to ask a groomer that question

Shave me those pussy. There's no way. There's no way. I'm gonna get wax. Don't just fucking clipper it, dude No, they don't want to ask all wax too. I'll write it and bleach your asshole. This talk's gonna be upper west Oh all the way can I some more soda of course? We'll take our last break actually and we'll come back Look in that loose spot. BAM! And sex is sex air. Mmm. Mmm.

Don't you worry, Jake, I'm gonna get a bite of that apple at some point. You guys really know how to turn a girl off. No, you don't mean that. You're so hard. You're so hard for me right now. Man, he didn't pee. He always does his pee break. He didn't eat his pizza. He yelled in pee and didn't eat pizza. You didn't eat your pizza?

No, you're in my whole day. This fucking guy. Ah, no you didn't. I can't eat pizza anymore. I had one slice. I got this cheese developing cheese thing and it's like it's to the point now where... What's the do to you? I have like a reaction. My throat starts to edge and shit. It's weird. This is developing cheese thing and it's to the point now where... What to do to you? I have a reaction. My throat starts to edge and shit.

It's weird. Oh, that sucks. Yeah, but I used to be able to get away with... I'd eat American cheese and shit. I got some American cheese just to snackle. Yeah, it's a nice time with. I don't know. Can't eat that.

Immediately. Your inner earwitch. Whatever. I had one slice of that today. It tastes so good, but I was like, fuck, I can feel it happen. And I can't. I think I might be a wrap with me and cheese, man. Well, everyone, bring your meat, sands, cheese this weekend of the Creek in the cave. It's Friday and Saturday four shows, two shows a night, May 20th and 21st. Get tickets right now at jodero the Rose info.com show up Austin

A lot of campers down there show the fuck up Joe's got his hour tight and it's ready to go tight Dan Soto is going to be at Side Splitters this week in Tampa That is tomorrow through Saturday after that Grand Rapids mission again, then London England everyone. He's coming to the Soho Theater from June 13th through June 19th to bring his beautiful American circumcised dong comedy into your stupid fucking limelives. DanSoda.com. Me, I'll be in Phoenix hanging out with that burnt Freckle Tit trash. Let's party Phoenix as this tomorrow through Saturday Staying alive and then of course I'll be on percrash was fully loaded festival Two weekends eight shows for tickets and all tour dates of course go to bigjcomedy.com

Is that a note for me Lou? No, is that a to-do list? Squats is this a squats You make your fat jokes at me. I'm not making fat jokes at all, dude I don't think you you took everything I said as a fat. I think you got a nice. I have a flat I have a wide flat ass Carbless I lost two grand because Pearl Jam all got COVID and I can't go this weekend So that was on my mind, and then you looking at my ass I've seen that as fat jokes at me, and I'm just taking it the wrong way. No, most of you lose two grand.

Well Pearl Jam canceled their show, so I lost my flight and I lost my hotel. They don't lose you going, you're just gonna like, are you not maybe not going, is that what your debate is right now? Yeah, but won't the airlines right now give you the full credit? No. They stopped doing that? I guess I didn't get security Not but

But they still were they still until very recently were letting you just move flights because of this because if you're saying the thing You were doing got canceled for COVID, which is true. Yeah, they might give you money back You should try that you should help on the phone today or you might at least be able to get a full credit Yeah, yeah, which fuck. You'll use it eventually. Honestly, God, you can definitely do that. I moved flights, or I just did it last week. I bought a flight and canceled it and moved another thing.

I canceled the Canadian flights, like right before, and that's got credits, right? That's cool. Lou, if you call this company today and they give you back the stuff, next week, you show me your fucking ass, dude. No, that's still a dump. No,, you show me your fucking ass, dude. No, that's still a dump. No, no, we got your flight credits, dude.

Now you got to show me your dumper. That's the trade-off. Someone slapped me on the ass, a guy one time, and I swear to God, I'd never been so mad in my life. So now, when you do it, I think you've done it once or twice a week. Smack your ass. It takes all my strength not to react.

Jay, you speck this shit machine. When did I speck? When did I fucking smack your terribles? It's like you were being cheeky, saying hello like, hey, hey, hey. Oh, damn. It just wants to hit somebody. Well, it's been taking five years to hug us. Yeah, I got a touching problem.

You know this. Yeah. Why didn't touch you? Yeah, we just wanted to look, not touch. I will touch your eyes. You freaks damn dude. Yeah, I don't see someone be so upset about a phenomenal ass See it anyway, you're gonna walk out of here. You're gonna stay here all night. I'm gonna bring you a blanket Jacob's gonna stare your ass so much today for no reason some people some people don't take a compliment I saw I remember I saw Burr

Tell Lewis for and different carolines ones that he looked like Bruce Willis Which is a compliment sure and Lewis goes hey fuck you Bill Burr was like it's a compliment Lewis. She is Christ Fuck my fucking dick, how about that? He got so mad! It was weird! It is weird. It's very very very weird. Yeah. Anyway, Bruce Willis has a great ass.

Bruce Willis does have a great ass. And you have a great ass, Lou. No, I don't. Stop making fun. I've explained this over and over again why I say that to you. I've got a flat at my ass. My belt always has to hurt my waist to stay over my ass. That is true. You do have a little paddle ass. Yeah. I have a little flat C.S. You know, suspenders, everyone used to wear suspenders. You know, suspenders, everyone used to wear suspenders. Mm-hmm. Because everybody was white. Well, what pants are... Pants are back then were specifically designed to be held up by the suspenders.

They weren't cut to your waist. Yeah, yeah. Those like an extra inch. Yeah. So depending on your weight. Jay, you have great suspenders, buddy. Oh my god. You have so much suspers under my shirts.

You never feel strained. It never feels tight around you. I'm great. Like, you know, there's loose pants of the year. And I take it off. I fight people in my tank top, my weirdly sorted dirty tank top all the time. But it's coming back and I feel it's so comfortable. Like I watched the whole thing. I got to get a suspended. Yeah, not a fan. I'm not a fan. I used to have I used to wear them once in a while because I had a job where I had to wear suit every day. He can someone do deep, but I didn't I didn't like it personally. Because somebody out there listening to a deep fake this weekend of me and Lewitsky on the city girls twerculator fucking video or just me and Lew fucking busted it open it won't be our bodies Lewits gonna be thick black

chicks so relax. By the way for somebody who's always complaining he doesn't like the way it looks I've offered him a number of times to exercise with me that's not that's every time that doesn't mean anything. Why what do you mean? Well we all know the answer is diet and exercise We want we want your help. We want you to tell me you have a gene or something at your house or something like great wishes We know the answer of working out hey, Jay. Hey, Lou, you know what if you put your trust in me I'll tell you all the secrets of exercising I don't look as bad as he thinks he doesn't know. He's got bad body image to me told the guy's got a fucking juicer

And this guy's shut me out like I like I pissed them off Yeah, he thinks you got I don't know why he's not eating his pizza. He thinks you call him fat the whole thing's ridiculous Now I've a eating disorder. Thanks a lot. I weigh significantly more than you I believe and I fucking just crushed two slice of pizza. What are you gonna do? Got to eat today now, I just sell tonight. I guarantee you look better at making than I do. Also, I guarantee you that. Let's find out, dude.

Why don't you guys just both just peel it down right now. It is cameras, dude. You know I'll take it off, dude. Show those who give a shit. I'm gonna give a shit. Joe hanged dork right on you. You're gonna be like, I hope you lay his dick over your dick.

I truly don't care. Like a happy pause. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Well, we found loose weakness. Jesus, I didn't know. It was just me out. Like, I don't want to think about your ass. Jacob, I will never look at your ass.

I don't ever want to know what it looks like. Jacob, I'm just like, Jacob, you want to do it? No, I don't want to see your ass either. Damn, damn. I'm sun. It just makes me think of you differently. It's like smelling somebody's farts It's like all connected. I don't like smelling people's farts. It's gross. I can't be their friend anymore. Well, I can be their friend Well, Dan is a lovely man. I just will say a damn blast some all the time in here Yeah, I'm not big on that myself either, but I mean if Christine wasn't my if Christine wasn't my girlfriend. I want to see her ass

No, I work with that. I don't want to think of her like that Jacob I look at your ass all day. I just want you know looters and speak for me You know I was you don't think I want to see that fucking tight little Come on, man. Oh, dude. I God take two fucking racket balls and I Tight little tuss I bet Muscle muscle I bet the muscle really clenches up. Jacob has a little Tweety bird ass.

Yeah, no doubt man. He's really, I mean, it's like, I work on it. Yeah. All right. Yeah, that's good. Jacob does, let's get physical workout stuff. We're really, it's almost like a dancer

what he's doing. I do. That's last my glutes and my quads on Sundays. That's my leg day. I'm gonna request another deep fake. For somebody, and goddamn, I don't even know when I'll be back to see this, but I'm still gonna request it.

For somebody to make a deep fake of the movie perfect, put Jacob's face on Jamie Lee Curtis' body when she's going, which is. Yeah, you know what part I'm talking about? Yeah, completely. Let's watch that scene in perfect. God, she's got it. She's got it, she's got it. She's got it, she's got it. She's got it, she's got it. She's got it, she's got it. She's got it, she's got it. She's got it, she's got it. She's got it, she's got it. She's got it, she's got it.

She's got it, she's got it. She's got it, she's got it. She's got it, she's got it. She's got it, she's got it. You know the part of it talking about it? Yeah, completely. Let's watch that scene in perfect. God, it's just so hot and, and a, and a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a great run my god shit a great one oh my lord they said this movie almost derailed trivel to his career because it was so bad yeah the aerobics movie they really just

capitalized on something it's the aerobics but now it's funny there's a show with Rose Byrne is it called perfect also yeah that's called physical physical yeah but it's about 80s aerobics. And they did an American horror story where they involved with 80s aerobics as a thing. God damn it, she was so hot. I know, for a chick with a dick, the hottest. Dude, I sucked that shit, bro.

There it is, there's Jacob. Oh, oh. The 80s. Like, did girls actually just wear leotards to work on bands like that? Like, was that the look at actual gyms? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't know.

I wasn't a gym then. Like, warmers were in style, too. Like, not just in gyms, like, like, warmers were like fashionable. Yeah, for sure. Very fashionable. They let people think you did a robics, too. Jacob, what do you say?

I just want to do that looks ridiculous Working out with this sorry, it's not important damn Curtis That's a big game you think your vault I got the deepest dip is thick I think he's gay I mean you want to talk about somebody who aged weird No, he looks he looks fantastic now do you shave that head See with the Oscars? I think he looks weird. He looks fantastic now. Do you shave that head? Do you see me with the Oscars? I think he looks weird, man.

Really? I think he looks fantastic. He's face looks weird to me. Oh, you see. An older man, I think he looks very handsome. I think he looks like plasticky or something. Maybe. Maybe I'd have worked on it. I thought he looked... I don't know what...

All I was paying attention was the head. He has a phenomenal head for a bald head. Let me see. Let me hiding it for all those years. Damn, dude. He looks really good. Yeah, son of a bitch. Hey looks all right Trvolt. Yeah, Jamie Lee looks really good there

Yeah, yeah, she's just done a couple that you know No, she's gussied up. She's still like you know, give the base of an attractive woman But I mean he looks better at 68 than she is at 63 and they did that thing the other day It's the cruelty of nature brought it up the other day on skanks, dude. That Kelly McGillis and Tom, have you seen that picture going around? Kelly McGillis and Tom Cruise now versus the picture from Tom God. Buddy, God hates women.

Yeah. He doesn't hate fags at all. You're wrong, Westboro Baptist Church. God loves fags. Jamie Lee Curtis, I think, is still attractive, but she's only plays parts where she's like ragged up now. Like that's all we need. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kelly McGillis, to me, looks like she could in theory have been attractive, so she just looks like she just went to, like she was like, you ate too much. She gave it up. That's the bridge of, bridge of fond of thing too. That same one we like damn dude. I can't, I can't wrap my head around that. He was not.

And I feel, I'm not like body shaming or anything. I just can't like. No, no, no, no, that shaming. That shaming. Why? Her body looks like a fapper. That's the thing I'm not like body shaming or anything I just can't no no no I'm fat shaming wild her body looks like a fat part that's the shame I'm just shame bodies all willy know he that's crazy it's wild man no it's it's definitely bad it's like oh again it's just like time but I mean fucking Christy McGillis right there like her face she's a very woman. She just like a while ago

That's that's what she didn't she didn't she looks like she just ate too much No, look like you can creep it along the years Is that real? Oh the most the most realist one is you haven't even gotten to yet I don't know what these ones. Yeah, there it is. That's the one. Yeah, goosh That picture that's crazy She's an old lady now Well, she also isn't part of a secret evil church where they do god knows what she also young No, I'm saying she's not oh, she know he is god knows what he did in tower seven to keep that fucking face

You know what I mean? What do you think you are, a Maverick young man? Dude, go over here and kiss my breasts. The reviews of Maverick? It's their good. I can't wait. The reviews are like, it's the best legacy sequel of all time.

Well, you can pay anybody, say anything, or sign tell, just. Yeah. What do you think they're gonna do with Kilmer? Evenly Remini says four stars. What do you think they're gonna do with Kilmer? Evenly Remini says four stars. What do you think Kilmer is gonna be? I think they're gonna do a thing where his character's sick and that's gonna be like what the reunion is.

Oh, it's a bummer. I am dangerous. He does something hard to be fire-steamed out. Dangerous. Oh, Val Kilmer. So attractive. Joe de Rose info.com, check him out this weekend. Austin, Texas. I'll. Joe de Rose info.com. Check him out this week in Austin, Texas.

I'll be in Phoenix, Arizona. Dan Sotas is going to be back next week and in Tampa side splitters this week, everybody. Until then, know this and know this well. There is one and only one true God. And his name is... you