The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - How Could He Possibly Know That? (feat. Jeremiah Watkins)

Episode Date: November 9, 2020

Jacob recalls a low point in his life when he made an odds defying insult at the mall. Dan creates a new comic alter-ego and tests it out on Jay and guest Jeremiah Watkins.

You're listening to Comedy Central! Hey, I'm Big J. Operson, and I'm Dan Soder, and you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire Live every Monday through Thursday from 6th 8PM on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM95, or on demand on the Series XMF. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire, SXM. Hi, this is Jacob and welcome to the Bond Fire's Best of the Week. Here's DJ Lu to intro our first clip.

Crackle Crackle, everybody. I'm DJ Lu and on this week's quarantine loss tapes, Jacob describes a low point in his life, which turns into an amazing invention idea for Big J. which turns into an amazing invention idea for Big J. I was left 21. And my friend, he owned this stall in a mall, and I worked for him. And it was so boring, and I had nobody to talk to. It was like really in the middle of the day. And I tried to be friendless like this group of other kids that work there and I don't I don't even talk like shit humor or anything like that I don't even know how the joke

it wasn't even a joke I said something about because I were just I said something about taking a shitter and how it's like satisfying or something like that, because I was just so wanting to talk to somebody to my age. And then I remember I said that to this one kid and his face dropped. And there were like four other people around him and they all just walked away from me.

I said that one innocent thing like I was just trying to bond with them about. It's a weird bond line. Hey guys, what's up, Bob Jacob? I will go over here. Is there anything more satisfying than just hanging a big cable? I mean, go on. There was a build up to it. I don't know what we were all talking about. Some other thing. I don't know. It was a build up to it. I don't know what we were all talking about. Some other thing. I don't know. It was a natural flow into that.

Yeah, yeah. And the other thing it was a joke. But here's what happened. So nobody would talk to me afterward. And the guy I was working for came over and I told him the story. And he got all pissed off of me because you said that. I said, yeah, and he goes, don't you know, he was born without his fainter. What? And I'll never forget. He said that to me like that.

Like, how? How? Wait, Jacob, who was born without his fainter to the guy? The kid, the kid I was trying to like hang with and bond with the one guy. He actually brought the one thing he had no asshole when he was born. He was born without an asshole muscle and you just walk up and go. No, no, no, no, not an asshole muscle you're saying. It's features the muscle, which tightens everything like make sure.

So yet, so what happened? There was a hole. Got you. Yeah, that kid in particular had to wear use a like a stopper Yeah, it's sausage cutter It's cork. Yeah, cork like a cork and it's but for real I like it. You didn't have a sphincter that that opened and closed So when he would pop that cork off, is it like, when it all come out, like he would feel full,

I learned this afterward because I had to research what I had done. Like I didn't understand. Jacob, you did nothing. You did nothing. You just had the one in a gazillion chance that you told your opening shit line to a guy who's got major shit issues.

Jacob, you need to talk like that. I'm not into that. You could have saw that comment. It's, I don't know why it was the universe just guiding you off a cliff. The fact that you walked up to a guy without an asshole muscle and you were like, nothing better than when you're really a rip a shit

and he's like, cool, I'm corked up right now. He's like, what's your favorite thing? He goes, I'll tell you my favorite thing. It's just having an asshole with massive muscle control I mean, how good it feels when I just squeeze and then I clip it in the middle Sometimes I'll try to I'll do a dice shit where I'll just clip it several times and he goes Yeah, yeah, or I just like a three-fuck-a-throw a speed chop at it, you know what I mean? When you said that to him Jacob did he just look at you and walk away?

Or did he say anything? I'll never forget his face. He went like that's not good for radio, but Oh man You hit the one was the most Oh man, oh man, you hit the one. Was the no, was the no speaker? Imagine if you're born without a sphincter, like that kind of shapes your life. Yeah.

And you're trying to nozzle up and be cool with the, with the no sphincter boy. But what is that like say, like, was he, did he seem like a cool guy otherwise? No, I didn't even want to talk with it. I just, it was so boring there was hours and hours. It was a middle of the day and a week day, I'm like, I'm a big day.

So these weren't popular kids. He wasn't empty. I was miserable. You're just born with this one. This wasn't a popular kid, because I gotta say it's probably. They were working there like in other stalls and they had bonded and I just wanted to bond

with somebody like this other group of people. Sure. That one was the cork-ass kid. I learned since that I think they have, like science has created like electric swing doves, like a robotic. Oh, for that. Jacob, I will tell you those though,

I'll tell you this, for the rest of your life, if you're trying to introduce to a new group, I'm telling you, you've got, you already hit the lottery. No one hits the lottery twice. Yes. And with you open with your, with your satisfying shit line, every time, no, no, no, no, no, no, Jacob, you're fine now. Yeah, you're, you're, you have like antibodies. You have like that story in a body. You're out of the water. In fact, in fact, if, uh, if somebody goes at, do you just have that cool, but joke to make like this, my body doesn't have a sphincter and you can go get the fuck out of here, dude.

Yeah. I swear to you, I told this a long time. So now two and then you will bond over that. Even if he was a little upset at first, he's going to go, wow, dude, this is one that's lightning striking you twice. And two, you maybe should stop opening with the shit joke. Shit joke might need to stop. Yeah.

I also remember being very angry. Look, I was offended on one level because I remember my boss saying, saying it, like he literally said, don't you know he doesn't have a sphincter? Like that's how he phrased it to me. Did he not hand you the card before you spoke to him? It's like the deaf people card. He hands me, he goes, I have a sphincter muscle. It's pleased my one thing.

It's like, please guys, I just want to let you know, my asshole muscle is a real point of contention for me. It's so, it's all day long. I live with it, I think about it. Every time I sit down, my cork goes a little further up. Yeah, he goes, I'm trying to uncut. So he couldn't even beef. What if he had the fart? No, I'm telling you, it was a stopper.

That's what I was told. It was just like an open hole. You have to cork it. It's all they had back then. So if he farted he would blow the cork out. You would assume. I would assume. I don't know what happens to be what if you fart and it doesn't come out of the cork hole and it goes back into your body. Is it come out of your p hole? Guys, I didn't recent graduate high school. I just want you to know that. I graduated high school. I just want you to know that.

I walked through high school. I don't know the particular, but I mean, I... Mo, Jacob, obviously, I'll make a safe assumption here and say the particulars are, it doesn't go back and your body can come out of your dick hole. But thank you for humoring the idea at least. I don't know the particulars exactly, but I could get... You look at the medical books about that. There's gotta got to be a Mark, it's got to be a

Mark manual that covers this. I got, I got some friends up at Columbia that can really kick this around. I give you a real answer. Jay, Jay, oh, Jay, hey, I called one of those guys. It was a six, six second phone call. No, the fart won't go back in your body and come out of your dick hole. I'm glad I was able to answer that for you. They were pretty angry that I wasted their time with that phone call. Yeah, they were, I got some pretty terse responses from my front to its emails. Was a real low point in my life.

It shouldn't have been. The low point should have been more than you were worried about the way the court, the court, the asshole guy feels about you. But Jacob, I understand what you're talking about when you're like, the asshole guy feels about you. But Jacob, I understand what you're talking about when you're like, oh, like you're trying to make friends with someone in you just do the opposite. Of course. Oh, you ever speak to you again?

No, and there were girls that like his age that were like you could, it was like him, two girls and another guy, and the girls were like giving me dagger eyes like he had confessed it to them Oh Something to think it goes hey girls how many girl fingers think it takes to plug up a sphincter with ass hole Only find out my parents are going away this weekend You guys would have come by and plug my shitter you guys want to uncoork me Now that I'm telling my shitter. You guys want to un-cork me? Who are you? Now that I'm telling you the story,

I don't understand why I told everyone, like even my boss knew. How fast? It's no sense to me. Can I ask you a legitimate question? How fast do you have to be pulling your corks so you don't get shit on your hand? Do you have to, like,

I mean, you got to like, because you can't. He has no sphincter, so he can't. I would say, I would say use a tongs and come at it from side cheek a little bit. Yeah, I see. I think grip it and rip it. I think you put your balls on your wrist and you just fucking reach down there. You're taking a lot of hold of it.

I also think it's I think it's angling. I think if you're going to pull your asshole cork out, you push in. You're going to get turd right there on your thumb pad. No, dude. It's this move the base of the thumb pad. That's good. I think it's this movement. I think it's a fold out.

I think you pee, you know what I mean? Yeah. I don't want to. I'm telling you, you're gonna get some splatter right there, dude. I think so, Doctor. Dude, you have to wear wrist guards. That has to be a mess every time you pull that cork. I would you rather have a colostomy bag or would you rather have to cork your asshole?

cork. You'd rather go to cork Christine? I think you'd ransom quickly. I was taking around the horn. What do you think there? DJ Lou, your asshole. Colostomy bag cork in your asshole. I'll carry the bag around. Yeah, see here's the thing. The thing, the bag, they're both horrible. Bag's going to fill it with shit. When your butthole is just filling up with like, there's a traffic jam of turds in your butthole, you get behind a cork. You put a lot of trust in that cork.

That cork better fucking pull, go around and clip clamp in the front. You know what I mean? Better be rubber and it better be reinforced. Absolutely, Jay's right. I think it's got to be on, it's got to have four hooks around it. And then two go beside your balls up your front like suspenders that you go down your back and get it in the back. So that thing does not come out.

And if it doesn't, I better see a brand on that that I trust like a Scots or someone that I know is going gonna really make a good Butt plug. Yeah, this is a Johnson and Johnson type game. This isn't so set some sex shop nonsense. I Did reflect on that for a long time like as soon as he said it and thinking What you take for granted like you always you never even, well, I'm lucky to have a sminkter. No, I do. You're wrong about that. But I always was grateful. Don't judge me Jacob, because don't, don't assume you know everything about me. I do actually think for a sminkter. Yeah. I'm trying to think guys, I've got a good, I got a good design for a butthole plug for this kind of problem. No, I got to say I'm ready to shark tank it

I think I like what I said it's a It's just it's a double suspend this going from each direction. Yeah, that's a good that's a good get up Dude, you told it hold it hold it in from the bottom and hold it in from the top But I'm telling you you should probably register that. That's a good idea Trademark trademark trademark tradmark tradmark trad idea. Trademarked. Trademarked. Trademarked. Trademarked. Trademarked. Trademarked. Trademarked. None of you guys can use it. It's alright. None of you can. It's all it belongs to us. Get out of here. I like that. I really like that idea. Now look, can you use it for pleasure? Sure, but it's mostly for biz.

You can change the attachment so you can find one that fits your asshole, but the rig's still the same. I think we found a new career. I think this radio show is done. I think we're going to start doing customized butt plugs. Dan, I feel your sarcasm in that. I just don't know if I got to tell you. Is there a tag? Or am I filling out a small business loan on you? I was doing a Zoom meeting. You tell me what I was doing. You tell me what I was doing because I'm telling you this this thing more than I assume Your enemy Jacob solely just had I just picture like an old choppy wooden cork like they put in a in a pirates

A bottle of air. Oh, that's nicer than what I was thinking. I was thinking it was a Carlo Rossi Fuck it and wine cork He's had it land around the house. And he's like, I'm just gonna say the wood. It's like a plastic. Because this is from a Vino. I just blocked it up. But I'm saying we can get something that maybe goes with the contours.

Maybe has a cupping thing at the bottom of the case. There's any spillage that just catches it. It's a, you know guys, between this and my, and my full proof, choke, choke strap, I think it's two ideas, but the sharks are willing to listen to non-mainstream products, more than here. If I could somehow remove the gluten from this butt plug, let me tell you,

buddy, we would be shark tech city, my friend. I mean, there would be, we'd be fighting off sharks. They'd be wanting on this absolutely. Fuckin' lootly. If we were able to find out how to make our choke jerks straps that are breakaway with reusable energy, oh my god, we'll be, we're right now we'd be sitting in Damon Johns house. We'll be, Kim, Mr. Wonderful. Man, I'd have some such comfortable slippers. Okay. I'd have such great slippers on.

Anybody out there listening please. Now that we are living in a Joe Biden world, can you please come with me with designs for my full body Two strap butt plug Butt cork butt cork. I'm not gonna call it a butt plug. This is a bunch of butt plug is not sexual But cork is a you it's a it's an item needed for people that lack a smh Or the people that Jacob hates and I'm gonna be a jack up a top don't hate people without sphincters Offer them a solution while Jacob's over there laughing at this guy who's just got a

It's just like an open coughing asshole He's got a laundry shoot of a butthole Yeah, it's just a flume just a flume of turd falls out Excuse it. It's got to be crazy that he poops like a horse Um, it's got to be crazy that he poops like a horse. Like whenever he walks around, just drops. Do you think when he walked around Jacob, his asshole was just like, do not just bounce it around open like that. Like this guy is going the wrong way.

I think we're assless chaps and a horse tail and this fucking go, and there's walk around a poop. Yeah, I should walk around with one of those horse buckets under him. Can imagine it makes you very self-conscious. Yes, absolutely Well, so self-conscious you didn't want to hang out with the guy from the hotdog state and talked about how great shit You got to do that that makes you mean I didn't lean lead with that. I don't know Nice to meet you guys. Oh my god. It's so boring here just meeting new friends is satisfied. Taking a nice long shit, be no multiple pieces, you know, we're like, particularly where your sphincter kind of cracks it in half and then you like, oh, it's all out and then you're like, no, it's not you know like I got to stop a little bit of it

It's guys like There's another guy next to me. What are you doing man? I'm like shut up. Let him hear this. It's nothing better than when you're like Oh, there's a ridge. Oh, there's another ridge. Let me stop for an ant. It's like scratching the ultimate itch Like 100 million I talked to the fact that crazy. Yeah. Dude, the fact that you fucking said that to the worst guy possible. You should have bright set it though. I bet I bet his wiping sessions are super easy. There's no friction. It's just falling out of a shitter. Yeah, he can go great. He can poop and go. He's probably the most, he's the top level of pooping in the woods. What I like to cut down my shit time, if simply I knew my asshole was always clean, but it was never closed, but I could plug it

with my awesome invention, the four strap suspenders butt plug. Yeah, also known as an Okerson harness. Yeah, suspended as butt plug. Yeah, also known as an Okreson harness. The Okreson harness. That's the classic game. I'll be great. That's why I make my fortune, dude, of the Okreson harness and butt pull. Hi, it's Jacob again. Dan unveiled his brand new comic, Altarigo, and tested it out on Jay and guest, Jeremiah

Watkins. Enjoy. Did you grow up rural or was it pretty like neighborhoody? It's pretty neighborhoody. Yeah, it's pretty suburban. I grew up on a busy street and later on I grew up in like one of those classic coldest acts. You know, so it was the part of Kansas that I was in, like the high school that I went to, everybody wanted to be more country than we actually were. So like all the like the high school that I went to, everybody wanted to be more country than we actually were. So like all the, like the football guys had like brand new

pickup trucks that their dad bought them and stuff like that. So it was, they're like, no, we're countries. Like, dude, you're not country. That truck bed has no scrapes in it. You've never hauled anything. You've never used it for anything. He's like, no, it's a brand new Ford F-150. He's like, calm down dude.

So it's not the place where like everyone, like everyone was fucking at 12 years old and like, you know, all, like, born drinking and shit. Like, all kind of, it wasn't like, uh, not exactly. I bid out in Kansas City and there's plenty of that there. Sure. Sure. Yeah, there's definitely some of that going on. Yeah.

I was, I was saying that I didn't even realize that there were I don't know why it's obvious that there should be but that there's like Hick Posers. There's a ton of people. There's there's tons of the way that city kids are like I grew up in a bad neighborhood and you're like oh yeah, and they're like that's the same thing The nice part and then there's a Hicks where they're like brother. I'm up there hollow and hey It's like dude you look at it's like dude you Yeah, yeah, your house is three quarter million dollar house. What are you talking about? No, Lucy man? I got dipped in my mouth and I've been around the trip It's Larry the It's Larry the cable guy syndrome. That's the problem. Yeah, let's start let you start living the character

You might be a redneck. Yeah. But you know, I mean, yeah, absolutely. Cause, you know, he's Dan Whitney, just a guy, you know, I mean, and now when he, if he goes out to like, I know he's like a big Tennessee fan. So if he goes like a Tennessee Nebraska Nebraska Nebraska, he's a big guy. But if he, yeah, exactly Omaha. So like if he goes to the game, like he has to go and the game will close.

You know, I mean, he can't, he, whenever you see him there, he's always like the sleepless fucking thing. Like he's not just like a dude. He can't, he can't. He has to do that right now. Let's all decide our comedic alter. He goes that we go around the country. And I'm going to be, I'm going to be Irish Bob.

I'm just going to go around like kind of think that's hard. You've never been to Ireland. And I'm gonna be, uh, he says, you know, Irish kids got no supper for dinner. Good night. I'm gonna be, uh, I'm gonna be extra insult when you find out I'm not even average. The only green I saw for allowance was a leprechaun's nut sack. It tea back every night. My dad's on leprechaun. If you get your chalélie on lay away, yeah, might be a northern all year round. If your favorite fruit, if your favorite fruit is a potato you might be an Irishman Your character where they're like you're not even Catholic and you like dude. It's the character. I have to say character Dude, they love it. Don't don't mess for me, man. My merch is not all that crazy. But you're not even in Ireland.

Like, I'm doing arenas in Brazil, all right? They fucking eat this guy up. Do you think there was anybody? Do you think there was an Italian knob shithead who got throw his hat on the ground angry when he realized that Andrew Dice Clay was like a Jewish guy named Andrew Silverstein? Do you think in the late 80s, there was a guy goes,

yo fuck that man. Oh, I don't think it was one person. I think it was thousands of men. I think I would probably put it up for a thousand over a thousand dollars. This is one of a bitch-shany in a tower. Let's just say I got heat, too. Alright, bro. Listen, he confused me. I thought it was one of them things or use a real Italian guy, but no, I should have known he was a fucking Jew. The second he said that he was at the bank. Keep your fucking sock drawer. What is that? You're eating fucking of the fingerless gloves in a bag just in case he wanted to return those gloves. I heard a lot of things. We sure know he was a Jew and he tells you I think in both specials in the pre-game sketch Before the thing both of them show that he worked like in

Like tailoring and stuff It looks like a Jewish thing to do. We worked in like measuring people for suits and everything What what if you go back and there's all these blueprint like clues That we didn't realize like ahead of time. He was trying to tell us like he was trying to come out of Jewish The start out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Jeremiah, we were talking before you came on about the difference. Uh, when you hear somebody who's, like the sound they make when they're hurt, it is, you wouldn't mind somebody seeing you if you make the sound when you get hurt, break a leg or anything, a rib when you're hurt and scared, because you don't know how bad the hurt. You know, I mean like, yeah, yeah the hurt you know I mean like cracking your head on

something really hard. I'm like, am I different now? Am I different now? It starts with the wind being knocked out of you. That's the best one. That's the best one. Ryan Hamilton has my favorite joke about that. But there is a thing about getting the wind knocked out of you that as a kid you feel like that where you're like, it's, it reminds me of, you remember the kid that gets the dentist work done anyway, except he's like, am I gonna be like this forever? Yeah, it's exactly, when you think it could be, whatever's just happened as a permanent change in your life,

I would get hurt and make the scared noises when, because I was like a city kid. So our bikes were pretty much just for transportation to get where you were going. I thought you were about to go on a long speech But like our bikes were our life You wake up in the morning and you think up for that bike no, it was a transportation. It wasn't like a lot of we didn't have like Bike tracks and ramps and all this kind of shit that everybody did so then when I would go out to like

Visit my dad no hyo which he did live like go out to like visit my dad, Nohayo, which he did live like neighborhoody but semi-rural. And they had all stuff like bike tracks, like dirt bike tracks. And I would go and do a ramp for the first time. And then the bike would come out from under me. And handlebars would cave into my fucking gut. And then I'd be like a bunch of strangers

to solve the new fat kid come and just each step. And then I'm fat and holding my bike up. Oh, you can't even cry. You can't breathe the cry. It's horrible. But you're most vulnerable for sure. And your news, you're just looking around for a face and you're like, there's no friends there. Just like just faces circling and laughing like the end of carry. Dude, that's the worst for whatever reason. It's so much worse when a stranger looks at you like condescendingly and like, are you okay?

Like they're kind of checking on you. They're kind of checking on you. But they're more like, why did you hurt yourself in public? What's wrong with you? My dad was like, you know, he was like good for me in the way of he wanted me to socialize. Like when I'd hang out with him, if there'd be another kid, he'd always be like,

hey, who's this kid? Like go be a friend of him. You get outta here. You're not realizing my dad was this all just trying to punch me all the time. Hey, that's what you're saying. You're natural, bring this up to your therapist. Your natural reaction was, my dad was really good about one thing

He really wanted me to be social, you know like away from him doing other stuff But we but in this case it was like we're at the lake It is when he moved up when they moved up to Lake County We were at clear lake and I was like all hanging out and he's like hey, there's some kids You know like go swim with them. Go see what's going on with those guys. So I went over to the right. I'm gonna figure Cheryl.

Yeah, the slapper big tits around and wants you to be an idiot. I went over to these kids and they were riding their bike off the dock into the lake, right? So they were like riding it and then they were like jumping into the lake. And then they like swim the bike over and then I'll pick the bike up and then someone else would walk it down or write it down and so I'm like hanging out and

like you want to do it and I was like yeah, that be it, that be cool. All right. I'm going to with strangers. We'll let you just do stuff. I took boat full bike. No, no, no, no, no, no, you're on a bike, but you're riding off the dock into the lake. Oh, I thought, but it's a ramp, is that what it is? It's a ramp that's built. No, you just like, you ride to the end of the dock and then got your bike.

Yeah, so there's no ramp. It's just like riding off the dock into the lake. Okay, pictures being way worse. No, no, it's, it's, but trust me, it's not good. Oh, I don't think it's going to be. I'm just picturing a scarier situation, I should say. So I ride, you know, and I'm like, dude, I'm the mystery kid, I get to be cool as fuck right now. So I do the ride where you work with a bike to either side, you know, where you're like, oh, yeah, absolutely

moving and I'm like, I'm so much shoulder into it, dude. Yeah, but you're moving the bike back and forth, like right left, right? Yeah, yeah, pick it up speed. And I'm like, that's what I'm shoulder into it, dude. Yeah, but you're moving the bike back and forth. Like right left, right? Yeah, yeah. Pick it up speed. And I'm going and I'm dumb. And I don't realize that you don't just fly off in a movie perfectly.

You have to like, you go straight down. My big head slammed into that water so fast. It sounded like a belly flop where it's like smack, and then the bike came over the end, but then it's like, it's just pure adrenaline, and you swim, and you're like, trying to breathe out of water, but then you're in pain, so you're like, yeah, I think something happened, I don't know how it happened,

and then like ride the bike over. Do we go straight down, it's so great. It's front wheel, for going straight down, but my face Hey guys all I remember is giving them the bike you know and then like crawling along the dock and dipping down in the water and dipping down in the water and you're like, whoa, like a bunch of bubbles is being like, oh, fuck. Oh, man, I was so embarrassed.

Oh, that was the worst. Dude, my first ramp went just like that, though I wrote up the ramp and didn't realize that you have to like hike the bike up. You know what I mean? It doesn't even make sense to me. I'm like, well, the momentum of this is gonna carry me across.

And again, it was one of those like a ramp up. And then like no exaggerationation like four or five feet maybe for the down ramp, you know what I mean? It's very doable. It wasn't very high, but like we all went straight down like in the thing just ate the shit like that. You know what I mean? Like the bike just went out away from under it. Yeah, so it gets away from you then you just eat shit in front of a bunch of people. By the way, oh yeah, dude, like red clay dirt too too like that kind of really states on you the amount of times I've eaten it at like a skate park like in front of little kids like is so So humbling as an adult because they're just looking at you and they're like

Hey, mister you okay? It's okay. I'm totally fine. Don't worry about it. I'm just going to like walk it off. Hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM East on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM 95, or on demand on the Series XM app.

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