The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Humble Arms

Episode Date: May 19, 2026

Big Jay is still in L.A. after his triumphant Roast of Kevin Hart, so enjoy this unaired show from March. | Bobby emanates heroism and trouble just seems to need his help in the streets. It's hard to believe but he saved yet another person's life but Jacob gives him credit for being braver than he could ever be. | Jacob still has a problem with New Jersey Italians because he was beat up by them as a youngster. | Jay goes through a list of porn starts that his friend Ralph Sutton has dated. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And now, the bonfire with Big J. O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. You just saw Jacob's face. No. I mean... It'll do it. It will do it. That's the face he's making. Yeah, yeah.

No, that's what I do. I speak for Jacob's his face. Can you... Jacob, what's your face? Don't forget this. Pick up the funny boys. You're losing Grandpa Jakey. You're watching another video.

Shilaboof's old news. Oh, I hate armpit hair on women. There'll be a naked girl here later. That'll wake him up. That's going to wake him up. She's black, which he hates. Do you? He'll get past it.

That's not him. She's a beautiful black woman. Oh, that's you. No, I love black women. I'm into black women again. Again? Yeah, I phase in it out. For a minute?

Well, you know, you got a type, it's not racist, it's just, I like black chick, Racished. I got nervous when I said it. It's not, I'm not a racistishish. It's, I like blondes, I usually like brunettes, but sometimes I get into a little blonde action. Sometimes I'm into, Spanish, kind of always into Spanish. Yeah, well, they liked you because they thought you were Spanish.

Puerto Rican. Yeah. I like the Puerto Rican. It wasn't you to lean into it and shave your mustache right above your lip, though. Ooh. You lean right into it, dude. Yeah, I did. You got yourself a Don Flamenco.

I should have got a sword. The actresses coming in, is that with a penis? She has a penis or no? Unfortunately, no. Unfortunately, there is no fun surprise. By the way, Jacob's been begging for this to be a penis. We've covered this already, Jacob. I've been in his ear.

No. We talked about this over and over again. Addis Fouchet, who was coming in later. Great last name. was the not trans who came in with the three trans gals to talk about the, I guess, trans town hall they were going to do. I don't remember what the event was. She was very attractive. Yeah, she's what we called boo in the business.

Oh, yeah. Addis is gorgeous. Oh, my God. I'm talking to trans business. I think her. I'm talking to the fun business. And I got to say also, I feel like pictures don't do her much justice, quite honestly. She's much prettier.

I mean, she looks great in pictures. same but I think in person she's very very like alluring yes well we're going to do a great thing with her today her and ralph yeah we have a mild workwife ralph's coming in talk about a little event that him and addis fuchet amongst others are doing this week i believe tomorrow Thursday Thursday um so if you guys are in town i want to check that out it's going to be it's called how to date a porn star it's some live event they're doing at stand up new york stand up new york Where does that exist now? 5-5-2-West 38th.

552 West 30. What the fuck is that? The Rosewood Theater. Oh. Could you do that? Yeah, you could. Hypothetic, I'm saying. Data porn start?

Yeah, you know your girlfriend's out, lasted by a giant talk. These are the questions when they get in here. Yeah. Well, I want to pick your brain. But we're going to go through it there. We're going to talk about the things all about that stuff. Yeah, why don't you pick the brain when they're in here.

Yeah. But we don't know. we didn't take the class I could If you're asking if I could Before you take the class I could date a porn star Done

But is it how to date a porn star Or could you date a porn star? It's how to It's going to be Ralph giving you advice I guess First of all money Yeah bury your emotions away Money

Don't believe in God I have no belief in God No religion whatsoever No And you know be into watching to fuck other dudes basically follow the path of Satan yeah

no Corinne Fisher's on the show also Dante Niro knows how to treat a bitch Natalia Star my old pal No what does it say now Robin Schumberg Did you make that up or is that written Knows how to treat a bitch Oh Dante?

Yeah Oh no I just said that Oh I thought that was written That would be great if it was written No Dante knows that straight a bitch out Dante Nero and how to straight a bitch out Yeah I had a fucking date of porn star Tell it what's what.

Slapp a fucking mouth. I forgot about an email that Laney sent me to give us some insight, and this is the list of Ralph's porn star. They took up with? Yeah. Some say date and some say sex, so I assume date just means dinner. Courtney Taylor, no idea. Is this all of it?

Let me go up here. You got to go to top. Just real quick, before you get to. his resume. Does he only date porn stars? Well, he's an idiot. Huckers. No. He dates, well, yeah, he likes to... He takes, he swings for the fences

of porn stars and stuff like that, you know, and like young, dumb, like, internet chicks. He's not into, like, human beings who live in a neighborhood. He's not into a girl with her own brain. No, no, no, no, no, no. He likes a girl who's somewhere answering to an ethnic fellow who's willing to cut her if she's late. Right, got it, got it. And then, but I don't know if he can't get hard if it's not that situation.

If he reads college. Or she has to be able to not speak English very well. If he has a college education. Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting. If she was like, hi, my name's doctor.

He runs the other way. Right, okay. He's like, you're not going to fucking eat a girl's pussy while I fall asleep at 9 p.m. in the fucking Caribbean. You have self-respect. Courtney Taylor, Pennhouse Pet of the Year 2004. That's pretty funny. Long-distance dating plus sex when she was in town.

Victoria Zedrock, who was one of my least favorite fucking SDR shows ever. Why is that? Because her and her daughter came in and her daughter was an influencer already. She was cute. Dippy as fucking shit.

That's the precursor to porn star, influencer, right? Well, her daughter. Her mother brought her on the show because she's trying to convince her that she should be doing pornography. That's disgusting. And then they were the two dumbest people

in the world that we played a game against them, like do a daughter, mother know each other better than me and Ralph? And then me and Ralph, they're so stupid and just staring blankly that me and Ralph just gave each other the answers out loud. And then the other person would go, so I'm gonna say the answer.

I'd go, Ralph, it's D. And Ralph goes, I'm gonna say D. And you're like, that's correct. And the girl's big, You guys know each other really good. It was a mother and daughter. Two generation of retard. I was the guy that used to be here.

He worked with Stern too. Tim. Meadows? No, the one that shit on the wall. Sabian. Tim Sabian. He called me a long time ago before I did this show to ask me about doing a possible, like, pilot or something with her.

That's not her daughter, I don't think. That's another time she was there. No, that's another time she was there. She came back? Yeah, go back to Ralph's list, please. So anyway, long story, Victoria's a Drock. Who calls herself a doctor, by the way, it was pretty funny.

The sister of the second owner of Pennhouse magazine, One Night Stand doesn't mean anything. That means nothing to us. London Keys, no idea. Porn star, Sex, that's sex. Jayden Lee, sex and date is steadily for six months, took her to his wedding. Ooh.

Jaden Cole, one night, one stand sex. Bella Knox, come on, Ralph. One date and Ralph turned her down When she asked her said okay good That's the girl It cuts herself Do you remember Bella Knox She was the one that like the Duke University student

That was big news Because she made porn and was like So what? Like what? A girl can't You know I'm gonna go I'm gonna become a whatever doctor And some shit But right now I'm putting myself

Through school by doing this And then all these girls Came out to her thing like yeah Stop slut shaming I mean Corinne Fisher And Christine Hutchin started a whole podcast Based off of it And then we zoomed in real tight

So you could see all over her legs the self-cut harm marks she does to herself. Like, yeah, no, she's fine. No, you guys are right. She's doing the right thing. Bella Knox. Is that her? Yeah, yeah, pro.

Yeah, it's her. I figure what she looks like. I mean, she was a tiny little thing, yeah. Kind of nice plus. Wrapped around that big fat dorcas. Yeah, maybe I was looking at that. Probably. Laura Desiree is the one Josh would hook up with.

She's very pretty. Dorencia, no idea. they dated. Chey Ann Silver, Pennhouse Pet dated. Oh, she was a porn star back in the day. Tanya Parker. Kendra Sutherland,

Penhouse Pet and Porn Star, they dated? That's not true. Well, I think dated means that he took them out and they didn't sleep with him. What's not really a list of anything? She took free dinner. Alana Love, dated and sex? Oh, Ralph.

That girl blew a guy in front of us on the show once. Why are we having this piece of shit on the show? Ralph? No, I'm kidding. We'll talk about us. I know, really, he's only like I've been listening to it going like, hey, good for Ralph. I'm like, ugh. Oh, you're fucking dumb.

But right now he's steady with somebody, right? I don't think so. Exactly. That girl hasn't been born yet. Oh, yeah. Ralph's wife hasn't been born yet. She just had the umbilical cord cut. No, I'm breaks.

I'd have Ralph in. His dating habits always grossed me out. He knows that. Tanya Pard. The Pan House 20-O, and Rock of Love Bus winner. Oh, Eskimo Bros with fucking Brett Michaels. Tanya, let's see what Tanya Parker looks like. I'm trying to remember.

It's a list. I used to watch that show. Yeah, but it is a very, like, it's dated. Doesn't mean, that means they went to dinner. She's right. That's nice. She's got a nice one. The problem with Penhouse, though, man, is they talk about editing, man.

They were like the airbrush, dark in your skin, pink up your pussy. Yeah. Do you remember they started getting in the piss, and the piss would be like golden yellow? It was like an unnatural color of piss coming out of something. Like, oh, my goodness, wouldn't you just have fucking electrolytes? They make the vagina look like where skittles are made. Yeah.

It's like too nothing on it. You know what I mean? It looks like a, like a scalpel incision. Yeah, it's too perfect. But dated and sex. Oh, I mean. And then went on a date. But again, Christine's right.

This is a dumb list to send because he's like, oh, he went to dinner with him. Like, these girls will say yes to whatever. They don't give a shit. Yeah, so he sent this? No lenientage. Oh. I hope he knows.

I mean, he would talk about it all of it. But Lana Love, he fucked her. God, Ralph. I try Lonnie Love. I'd rather fuck Lonnie Love. No, Lana Love's cute, but she's also like, I don't know. We just, like, watched her, like, public fuck before. Ugh.

Ugh. Yeah. Oh, no. There she is. Oh, my God. So Ralph's coming in to give advice on how to date porn stars. If you want to fuck this shit, Rob's going to tell you how.

It's a state of New York. Cold hard cash. You know, we can make fun of this because it sells itself, dude. If you're out there and you want to learn how to date a porn site, you'll go to this fucking thing. And by the way, Ralph will tell you. You need two guys to do a successful podcast and then start a network. and then you two can get the money to fuck a point star oh god you're paying for all this

probably this whole fucking shin digs probably funded by my fucking skanks dollars this is all coming out of skanks son of a bitch god bless him alana love xxxx he's only no peyton though so that's good what no Peyton sinclair so that's good how old is uh Ralph he's got to be like 50 67 years old shut the fucking front door he's either born 69 or 70 he died uh he died uh he's you years ago and then they put a new brain and they waited for the Great Storm. Did they take old porn star guys body parts to make him? Is that why

he could only date these people? Yeah, he goes, cooos. No, it's brains. Coos! I want Coos! Me.

Ralph. Love Coos. Ralph, no monster. Ralph hurt porn star. He killed all these girls are dead. Dated, defeated by fire. A lot of love, sex, escaped with her life barely. Yeah, yeah.

Electricity storm saves her life. Shut him down. for a couple hours. You only can beat Ralph is with Dracula. He sucks. Good old Ralphie boy. Get in here, Ralphie Boy. He's going to be here with Mattis Fouche for the second hour of the show.

Buddy, today... You're a thing. I sent you a video of a handicapped girl singing while her parents were exploiting her, and you said, I sent you on the train before you realized that was hilariously funny, and then also, again, extremely tragic. you will find out on Thursday show. Very tragic, but funny. Very funny until it's very tragic.

And then it gets funny again. But then we'll bring back the funny towards the end of that. All you have to do is play that one video. It's fine. It just snaps you right back. But you were saying it, but you saw it at first and just didn't drink it in as funny. Yeah. And you were coming off of a rough thing.

You were in therapy today, right? I was in between therapy. When I got off the train of therapy. And you finally told him what you'd done. It's hard for me to say because I want to be humble. Oh shit What What

Nothing I want to be I want to be humble I want to look at everybody in here Because You know me And I know you guys And this is what we do

We have fun Is this story going to be Why you're so exhausted right now Are you emotionally drained from something I think I'm emotionally drained Because outside you were Gonski Well because I ate too much at the buffet I can't do go to the buffet

And I ate all that sweet chicken and pork and it was too much. And then I had noodles and my blood sugar. You got to do what I do, dude. You got to grab the little container. I know. You always grab the big container, and then you feel like you got to fill up every part of it. I know, and I can't even eat a lot of it, but I ate all the shitty food, and then it fucked me up. You could do what Christine did.

Get a little container and heavily load it up until it falls on the floor some of it. And then Asian people roll their eyes at her at me. Ridiculous. She literally. I was like, she's her own person. She can represent me. She stuffed all kind of, like, seven different. foods together and made one dish.

It was crazy. It was mushed up. It looks like one of those milkshakes, but instead it was like avocado, a piece of sushi, grilled veggies, mashed potatoes, and salmon. Half avocado with mashed potatoes. And she got... A pasta salad? And you mush it against potatoes. Yeah, I separated it immediately.

It was not good. Because you mushed it into a small container. Small container and it made it into a whole thing. You should have a big container like Bobby. It was just not good. It would have been good separated You had a five-course, one-course meal It was, yeah, it was pretty

It was like fucking astronaut food But the portion was fit in the box It didn't fit in the box I absolutely did not fit in bucks It looks like that goes into a weird blender It comes out in a pill And you guys that because I've now gotten all the nutrients Of that dish

It fell because I closed the thing Not because it was piling out of the fucking box It fell onto the floor So what happened, Bobby? I'm sorry I'm sorry Oh wait until you get a text I thought this was terrible. I thought you were saying something embarrassing,

humiliating, and instead you were saying, I'm trying to be humble, which means I didn't realize you were coming in to tell us another story of heroics. I didn't know this, Jay. I didn't know this either, that once you are a hero,

I guess something emulates off of you, off of my face, maybe, to where when somebody needs somebody to save somebody, they come to you. Is emulate the right thing there? It emulates off of you? I don't believe so.

I think it means emanates. emanates. No, I mean emulate. I don't think so. So you're saying it was something that's behaving like you is coming off of you? In a roundabout way. But then it glows too.

Well, I'm lost in this. puzzle anyway it is heroic and emulate read it Christine don't just look at it to emulate awesome one means to admire imitate and strive to equal or surpass their achievement skills or qualities I'm saying this let me ask you a question are you saying this to prove Bobby right to let him know that he's right no I'm just saying what it is now wow she's not got a dumb quick she's not got that quick she goes no no listen Bobby it's it's exactly the opposite of what you said what you meant It's the wrong word in fact.

So happy that she was jumping into a dumb bucket with me. Head first. I was just told her read. And what is it again? Lou? Eminate. Eminate. Eminate.

I guess it emanates off of me. It comes off of me. I was walking to therapy today on 14th Street in the rain. And all of a sudden, this Spanish woman, now they're doing work on the street, so they have like a little barrier. So the sidewalk is very close together. to the buildings on the left side of 14th, between 6th and 5th, closer to 5th. And a woman runs up to my face.

Help me. Help me. I need help. Help me. Can you please emulate a hero? And of course, because of who I am and what I've been through, I ran with her. And you're wearing a shirt that says, ask me for help.

I am not. I ran over and there was a man on the ground who was, I don't know what was happening. Something was bad. His eyes were rolling back in his head and it was, I think her daughter or somebody was holding him and she was like, please help. Did you tell me you only help black people?

No, that's not true. Oh, all minorities. All minorities. No whites. I do help whites. It's not your problem. It's whites, though. It's not my problem.

You self-hating motherfucker. Well, you know what? Help yourself. You have enough. You have health care. You have all that privilege. Help yourself if you're having a street heart attack. So I ran over, of course, and I immediately called 911.

Nice. 911. I got on the phone. I said, there's a man right now. Nueva uno-uno. Is that what you had to tell her? She was going to say, okay, okay. Nueva uno-uno.

Dude. Where's a dude button? I immediately hit 911. Now, there's people walking by. There's people. Nobody's calling 911. Nobody's, I called 911 immediately. And I'm on the phone.

You look speed dial like a lady. Yes, Bob. You called the Bob phone? And she said, yes, 911 may help me. I go, there's an emergency. I need an ambulance between 5th and 6th. And I ran and got the number of the closest building. Say less.

And I got the number. rude. I said. I said I said I said so I said I said the number and I said the man's on the ground he needs help. I believe he might be having a seizure or a heart attack. He's still awake. He's still coherent. He's still alive. But I don't know how for long, how long, much longer he's going to be. I don't know what's happening with him. They said, sir. I'm going to start compressions. They said, sir. Uh, you need to give me the address again. I gave it again. And then I said, you need to send somebody immediately.

Listen to me. Time is off the essence. So then she said, I need you to stay on the phone with me. So I'm on the phone next to the guy. The girl is holding him up. And she's like, you know, I need you to stay on the phone. Absolutely. So police are on their way.

So I'm like, great. La Policia en route. So I say, I'm relaying this to her. She's panicking. She's like, please, please. And I'm like, the police are on the way, the ambulance is on the way. It's coming now.

Por favor, you mean? So. So. Grasias. Get these chickens off my suit. God damn cockfight. Oh, man, it's hard to be a hero. So I'm calming her down.

I'm like, you've got to calm down. They're on the way. Everything's going to be all right. I need you to hold his head up. Hold his head up. Keep his head off the ground. Make sure his knees are up. Keep his knees up, like, you know, off the ground.

And I just make sure he doesn't, you know, if he starts to move, try to hold him back. Hold his arms back and hold his head to the side. Now, immediately, cop shows up. When the cop shows up, I stepped over, like Alan Iverson, dude. That'd have been awesome. You're like, m' up, works done here. Our hero's job has never done. I'm not the hero you want.

I'm the hero you deserve. So I fill the police officer in with all the information he needs what's happening. And he's like, all right, thank you, sir. Now, I stood there and I waited for the ambulance to come. I was like, the ambulance is on its way. He's like, great. So then I'm on the phone with the 911. one waiting for them to keep the ladies like are they coming are they come and I'm like they're on

their way you'll hear the sirens when they come so I waited waited and waited and then when the I heard the sirens coming I go they're here and I just faded into the darkness they go mister how will we ever find you if we need you again you know wherever there is injustice or a seizing Mexican you will find bot man So now I'm standing, I'm standing over there. Please, are there any spiders there? I have to know there's no spiders there. Don't fuck with me.

Batman out. Bob man. How long between. What seems to be the problem? Spider. Whoa. A Joker or a riddler, perhaps, but, oh, how big it's, oh, there it is, I say it. I say it.

Oh, I can say it. Dude. My Batman is dangerously loose. So now I'm standing. How long until the ambulancia came? It was a little bit. It was a little bit. It was a little bit day.

And it was not Moe Vigito. It was a little bit. So I had to, you know, I had to be there for a minute. But then. Be vanishing the darkness. I vanished. And then... Did you then reemerge in a full costume?

When I was standing across... I was standing across the street now and this young Asian woman came over to me, she goes, I want to thank you. Mr. You're a hero. You know, you're a hero? You try to be humbara, but you'll be hero. She...

Because the L's before the E in Humble. So I'm with Humbra. Oh, you try to be a... be humbred, but he's a very good hero. So I... So I... So I... what you did was amazing that you called them so fast

and you were there and you were in Chinese? No, she was not, she was Chinese, but she was not speaking in a Chinese accent. She was a young girl, probably a student. And then I was like, all right, great, I'm glad he's okay. And then I walked a little further around the corner and another woman came up to me. She was like, that was, thank you for doing that. And I was like, it's what I do. And I stuck my hand up in the,

the air. Bob man out. I stuck my hand up in the air. I did one finger in the air and I went, it's what I do. And did one of those women slide down your body until she was laying and hugging your leg? Yeah. While you pointed up. And I just stood there and then all of a sudden the ambulance came up and he could hear the sirens. And when they came up, she looked over that way and I was gone again. Oh my God, dude, twice vanished into the darkness. I have now I've saved two lives. What? This was a full life save? Well, you don't know if he made it. Why?

Oh, yes, true. You don't know if he made it. And those little China ladies could have just been saying, Wacky, she had no idea what they were saying. Well, you know, I didn't stay until he made it. They were like, be my, blah, blah, blah, Godzilla. I didn't stay until you made it. Which is weird because it's Japanese.

It wasn't you. They kept saying Godzilla and Mothra, but those are Japanese things. Jacob, as a hero, you can't, you can't save everyone. Are you sure she was Chinese and not Japanese? Did you ask her? I said Asian. Right, but I, no, I said Chinese and you said, yes, she was Chinese, but you know she was Chinese?

I don't know the difference. She could have been Japanese. She could have been, she could have been Japanese. Did she have the fear of Godzilla in her heart? I don't know. I didn't go, eh. Yo. Yeah.

Yo. No. All practical effects? Yeah. Come on. That was, I've heard worst Godzilla's. That's the sound. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Damn, Bobby. Oh. When you impress me, you impress the fucking shit out of me So I mean You never cease to amaze me Why out of all the people on the street

Why of all the people walking by One of the busiest intersections in Manhattan 14th and 5th Yeah Do they Does the woman come up to me And my face You must have me

You must have help You and ran to me It ran to me It emulates off of you It emulates. It emulates, and it also, what's the other one, Lou? Eminate. Emanates.

It emanates. Also that, I guess. I guess that one. They're close. They're very close. They are. So I was debating. Now, because of, I guess this is what I do.

This is who God or the universe has chosen me to be what a hero, a savor of people, or being there for people when they need somebody and this is what I do. Now do I just quietly do it and just maybe next time I will. Maybe next time I won't tell you guys. But I wanted to tell you guys and the people listening of the bonfire

because I want to let them know that you could be a hero too. You, Jay, you, Lou, you... No, I would have walked. Lou, I didn't know. I looked at you. I thought about it before I said it. you could

you could be a hero if I can be a hero you can be a hero Jay yeah me yeah no she came over

barking that Chinese shit at me I'm like I don't know you I don't know you I'd say she was spam and walked away so even weirder she's Spanish speaking yelling Chinese at me I don't trust that those are gypsies

immediately I would have thought it was a hustle one left yeah without a doubt I want to bring fucking I would have pulled that guy's wallet out took the cash and put it in his mouth, so he didn't swallow his tongue. I go, hey, here's my doctor's fee.

And then shove his fucking wallet in his mouth and move on and give him a kick in the gut for good measure at the end. I'll go, oh, hey, what's up? My dad was a nom. I go, okay, I think he's going to be fine. Just keep him on his side. Oh, wait, before we do something real quick, put this cigarette in his mouth.

He missed. Fuck, dude. You could have the cigarette. Tell me he can keep a cigarette when he wakes up. Yeah, out of all the people around, they just, you know, they saw it. Could have gotten some hero pussy. I, uh, thank you guys, thank you. Well, what was that?

That was a special needs kid. Oh, thank you, thank you. It's a black lady singing your praises. Yeah, dude. Gotham City is open to everyone. It's not just for the abled. It's not just for the abled body anymore. I, uh, yeah, so there you go.

I mean, number two. Number two. Why were you down about that, you felt? I wasn't down about it. It was humbled, which can't seem down. You're not humbled? Humbolded. Bobby?

Humbolded is quiet. I've never seen you sit back, chest out more telling a story than you did that story right there. Yeah. Even when you say those black people, because you're worried, that story's going to fall apart when word gets back from Costa Rica. Because you know, we have no international connection to find out the validity of that story. That story is 100% true. Well, you put some good facts in it to make it sound true. You could swim better than an entire black family of events.

athletes sure well i mean that's not a big stretch at all of course not no they don't want to get their hair wet then they drown yeah yeah oh they get the hair wet and it pulls them to the bottom absolutely happens the hair gets wet it holds up so much water and then they fucking go top heavy sinking right down to the ground yeah yes jacob do you have any thoughts on my science there no i don't know one way or the other oh you've never seen black people get wet this kind of okay well sorry prince we didn't all get to fucking swim without black people i've laughed four or five times since it was released the Ali Sadik video

while you were explaining to Ali how Bobby was a hero and Bobby had humble arms like this he was very uncomfortable you telling his hero story oh because he wanted to tell more he had more I got Bobby was like

you're leaving out you're leaving out that unprovoked I fucking dove head first into the water and then almost saved the five father too. No, it's more... He had uncomfortable. I don't need this recognition. Yeah, I don't... It's not about the recognition. It's not about the recognition. No, it's not. I felt like you were uncomfortable because you know, Ollie wasn't going to be impressed because he stopped hearing the story when he heard black people trying to swim. He was like, that's getting at your lane.

And then you shouldn't have done that. Yeah, well, I'm not going to see black lose ass out there in the Costa Rican undercurrent. Because he's black and if his hair gets wet. Did you not hear me before? It turns into like concrete on their heads. It turned into the stuff inside of pillows. It's so dense. It's like fucking tasty cake cake. It takes so much milk. I just wanted, I just, you know, the next time it happens, which he probably will.

I won't tell you. Oh, you say heroics happen in threes. No, you should because you want to inspire. I want to inspire, but I feel like I've inspired, but I don't. I feel like you poisoned a Hispanic guy this morning and then went and helped him. I think you're setting up situations for you to stop. Oh, you think that's me doing it. I think you go, hey, homeless guy, I'll give you $20 to rob this deli.

And then you're going to fucking shoot him in his face. And actually, you're going to shoot him in his chest, and he's going to go, but you told him. And you got to shoot him again before he says that you told him the robber place so you could be the hero. How am I the hero? Because he was robbing it. Yeah. Yeah. And you came in and shot him in the fucking face and saved those people.

Yeah, I didn't expect you to understand how heroism works. Damn right. Damn right. I don't understand it. And I understand that you don't understand it, and it's okay. You are different than me. And Jay, like I said, you... Well, not Jay.

I'm closer to him. I don't know if you heard. No, you wouldn't have spree. Are you out of your mind, dude? I gave my leftover fucking food to a retarded kid in Raleigh, North Carolina. This guy doesn't listen to a story. Thank you. This guy doesn't listen to a story I say.

I don't know if you know this. But at first, I was weird with a retarded kid. And then I realized he was retarded, and I made nice with him. And then I paid for... Him, his retarded friends, and the adults' food. Yeah, the non-retard. Heroes understand heroes. The non-retard's got a little, too.

Yeah, he didn't have to do that. That's above and beyond hero. Bobby didn't humiliate his, the hero, the victim. No, he poisoned the Chinese guys so he could save his life. He was Spanish, I think. Now, you can't tell. Someone having a seizure all of his Chinese. I do spin into action.

And I would have walked away thinking this is a... Spring into action. I actually spun. I twirled all the way over to the guy. That's what I was saying. When you finish the turn, you're in costume. My new coat is part of it. You're like the little kid turns in the D. Snyder and the Twisted Sister video.

Bobby is just because we're not going to take it. I want to rock, dude. Yeah, well, you know, it was, it was, I was just going to bury it, keep it in. I didn't even tell my therapist. It was after therapy It was before therapy Now the whole thing's a lie You said it was between

No When you sent me that thing Was in between The little clip of the The girl You were laughing at the handicapped girl I didn't laugh at it That's why I didn't look at it

I was between me saving a life And then I had that thing And I didn't look And then I had to go to therapy So I didn't really get a chance To look at it Because of the weight of the situation That I was in

Why didn't you tell your therapist Again, we had other things to deal with. He wasn't wondering why you were looking out the window the entire time and saying very few words. I don't know, Doc, I got a lot on my plate. I did go. You look out there, you look out that city and all you see is a fun metropolis. I see problems need solving. And people need saving.

I see wrong, need writing. I did go in my therapist and look out the window. and it was a straight shot to the two ambulances in the cop car and I just shook my head up and down like he's going to be all right I done good anyways anyways doc then you repelled on the side of the building with your grappling hook to the bobcopter so there you go buddy there you I'm proud of you thank you thank you very much I'm proud of you thank you Jacob I'm always very proud of Christine

very proud yeah no you can tell by her voice you was I mean it was so what the fuck is I'm impressed. Why are women never impressed with us? Why? It might be the way your tale. I don't think she's responding well to you being like, go on, pay me my respects. I absolutely, there's no respect done. A hero doesn't get respect.

Bobby, you've been sitting with your hands folded in front of you waiting for us to pay your respects to you since you started the story. You're sitting like a godfather right now. I don't agree with that. You'd like us to come pay tribute to you. Not tribute, but maybe... That's your Ali Sadiq. Maybe come over.

Hands right now. Oh, you have your Lysidee cans now. Your folded arms. Oh, you got uncomfortable around a black person. These are my humble arms. Your humble arms. These are my humble arms. Hey, he's mean, bad.

You want way to save your Chinese friend over there? I'm just saying that, Christy, you know, look, I believe you when you say, Jan. I believe you, Jacob, when you say it. And Black, Lou, I believe you, too. I think you're a great hero. Thank you, buddy. Appreciate that. That's really.

You have to save a white person next. if it's a girl. DJ Lou? I'm searching for the right words to say. Come back to me. Okay, I will. That's honest. Because you haven't found him yet.

Christine? So you think Jay's more sincere than me? God damn. Yeah, I do. I do. You know why? Because when I look in Jay's little eyes and his eyebrows going up

and his little cute eyes are looking at me, look at that. Look at that. Yeah, he's good. He's got a little, what? What? No, I believe, Jay, you, you believe in me. I do believe in you.

Yeah, I believe him. You've had two heroics now. Two heroics, him one. And I have a heroic on the mind. She doesn't understand. Christina doesn't spring into action. Yeah. She sees a hungry retard.

She just lets him starve. That's crazy. Jay does not need sunglasses when he plays poker. No. What? What's that supposed to mean? What does that mean? I don't even how to play poker

Well, even if he is faking it Even if he's doing it enough To where I believe him What am I faking? That I'm proud of you and your heroics? You're not. I'm saying that for her cause I'm saying that I'm asking you Don't want her stir shit up as well.

If you're proud of me and your tone Is just ridiculously off No, I am proud of you. I think it's very nice you would stop and help a stranger Your tone sucks I mean it's just off I mean I believed it But then at the end

She did that little head nod where like she approved her own self yeah she's like I think she was like that ought to do it yeah that's what she did at the end she had me until a little nod at the end like I did it that's fine I'm sick oh god damn it makes me sick to my goddamn stomach really does me and they don't fucking appreciate shit oh I mean even heroism heroics they don't appreciate it did you tell dawn yet what you've done not yet I'm gonna save it for later I'm gonna wake her up in the middle of the night Huh? That's a good move.

Yeah, I'm gonna wake her up, but like, wake her up like a grab, like give her like a back of the leg punch. I'm gonna actually kick her in the back of the hamstring. Charlie Horcer. Yeah. Yeah. With my knee. I have her wake up and I'd be like, sorry, babe, I can't sleep.

Yeah. And then tell her, it's like, it's like, watch. When is it? While I'm sleeping, there could be other ethnics fucking dying out there. Not where we live. I'd have to go down like 35 minutes. Yeah, yeah. That's a drive.

Maybe if I catch one other way home with yonkers. You and the two gay guys in the neighborhood to take the fucking cockmobile down to the fucking city. You could be a power trio. Bear Bear Bear Bear and Bobbo. Bear Bear Bear and Bobo, the heroes. Bear bear bear. Bear bear.

Yeah, it is, I will tell her tonight. I will give her, you know, but she'll probably give me the same attitude as, you know, they expect it. Women expect... I know she's not going to give me the credit. She's going to be the credit. to do that same old bullshit where she gives the credit to God.

God put you there. And it's like, no. Fucking the fact that I have a lot of unworked out mental problems from my childhood and have to go to this particular doctor is why I was there. Yeah. What? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You got to deal with a lot of stuff. Yeah. And you're working through your weird fascination with fucking guys with tits. No, that's, no, that's not, we don't work on that. And that fucking, like, stresses you out. No, it doesn't stress me.

And it's your main topic of conversation over there. It's not the main topic of- And it bums you out that you can't get past that at your advanced age. I don't even have to get past. I'm not in it. You're already walking in with that. So she's just going to like... You know what we're dealing with, which is funny?

What? Anger. Who? Me. And you're therapist. We're dealing with my anger issues. Yeah? What's just to insult you and see if you do anything about it?

What are you going to do, pussy? Is this the therapy? He goes, stupid, ugly, lazy, we're thought of it. no good asshole. He actually gives me a mason jar that you can't open and then he starts calling me names. And he goes, open it, fucking pusswack. I'm like, what?

Oh, I guess I should get it to a man and not a lady. Yeah. You'll never be nothing, right? Isn't that what your stepdad told you? You're a piece of shit. You guys, that's what you have to do. When Dawn comes charging into your therapy session

and you're on one of those X crosses and your doctor's kicking you in the balls and you're like, no, baby, we're working on my anger. I'm definitely not in the gay humiliation. That's how I do open something that's really hard to open. I just go, I will be somebody! Nice. I just, I get all my childhood rage.

Not me. I take a butter knife and I take the back of it and go, coo, coo, coo, co, co. You have no rage. And then it opens. No rage when it comes to opening jars. There's tricks to all of them. Can I, I want it to bring up something.

I had the sense of rage in me. Well, hang on. Go ahead, please. As heroes, we'll allow it. Speak, Jacob. Well, Bobby. Real quick. If you're Jay...

This is our Hall of Justice. Let's put our invisible shield up. Do you think we should let him talk? Let him go. Let's hear what he has to say. All right. We can listen. As two heroes, let's be honest here.

If we have to get into tight spaces, we're going to need a little fucking Jet Lee guy to go through the vents. Yeah, that's true. He would give it that. So let's hear his idea. I'm sure he knows how to pick a lock, too. I'm sure he does that is off time.

It's probably just Jew bullshit. Yeah, exactly. Probably has some massage training. Yeah, they always not to pick locks, don't they? What's here his idea? Okay. Oh, shit, he's asleep. Fuck.

We talked too long. He took a while. That ain't on me. Jacob, as heroes, we agreed to hear you. We agreed as heroes. We agreed to hear your thoughts. Your thoughts? Well, as you know.

You have one minute with the Council of Heroes. We have a lot of heroine to do. It's something I've never understood. and you know of course that I worked on the Wise Guy show as did DJ Lewitsky. Yes. And I think the thing that triggered me the most about that fucking God-awful show is that, I mean, it was terrible. They were terrible. But even when I was in high school, I don't know what it is about Italian Americans.

Everyone should take pride in their culture, their background. I think that's a good thing. but what is it about the Italian Americans that took it to an unbelievable dildo proportions? Oh! You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

What the fuck do you mean? You can't compete a piece of shit. Go fuck your mother. That's what I'm talking. Bobby, Bobby? Because I'm Italian. That's not hero talk. Oh, sorry.

I'm working in the anger. You're at hero mode. I'm sorry. You got to drop that dumb guinea for a second. All right, I apologize. They were by far the biggest fucking jerk offs. This cock saca. What the fuck?

fuck is up with him j stuc got this fucking me ball you mean the host of the show epic now i'm talking about like high school italians you couldn't walk they had the italian flag on the entire hood of the car they had the the italian flag uh uh license plate border are you talking about portaricans or italians italians okay okay you find my friend ed gentilly on facebook that porto ricans and italians so close But they were such fucking shitheads about it. Be proud, but don't annoy the hell out of everyone. And then I thought to myself, this has got to be a kid thing that you'll grow out. I say don't be proud at all.

So Jews don't do that? Like, where like diamond crosses, stars of David and tattoos of never forget? What group do you know that ever took heritage pride to that level? Rich Voss. He's not a group. He's not a group. No, no, no. We're talking about people you interact.

Well, I think that Jersey Italians are like Hasidic Jews. It's like the same time. Yeah, exactly. Why don't you go to the Woodbridge, the mall up there on a weekend and see if you get around too easy? Just do not. Hey, go by the minivan trying to get you off the road. Ed Gentilly. Ed Gentile.

It might be Gentile, though, like the way it's spelled. But like he was my friend growing up and he was R, this guy you're talking about. And to this day, I promise you, you will see him as we speak right now. whatever age he is wearing bikini bathing suits, European Cup bathing suits. He got super into soccer, Italian team. You know what I mean? He has Italy on his chest, the boot.

He's got a pie with the word pies on. Can I do it? I just want to see. I want to do one thing. I want to do a test right now. I have a very Italian friend of mine, Paul G. And I would like to call him and put it to the test to see if you're right, Jacob. I'm going to tell him.

But before you do that, I want to. I just want to say, that's going to be an asshole. I just want to see if you're right about Italians. Hey, Paul G, how you doing? Hey, Paul, you've said it all. One of the guys on my show, one of the producers says that Italians are fucking, what was it again? I'm over the top. Over the top.

Over the top. Excessive pride. Did you tell me he's on the radio? Oh, you guys are on the radio. Are you okay with that? Oh, my God. Yeah. Okay.

Well, he said you guys, Italians are over the top, too much pride. and you're all a bunch of fucking gumbah fucking loud assholes. Gindaloon is the word I would use. Gindaloon. He called you Gindaloon. I'm with you on that. But there's different degrees of Italian. Yeah.

Different degrees. What about you? I'm American. You know that. I'm Italian descent. I'm American. Well, he said all Italians suck. What do you feel about that?

I don't say that. Well, let me tell you. Let's just put it this way. Without saying anything, I own an Italian restaurant. And when Italians come to book parties, I hide in the office. so I don't have to talk to it. All right.

Thank you, Paul. I appreciate you, buddy. I'll call you later. Bye. I like him. Apparently, you fucking Jacob's own is up. No, but this is my point.

So years later, so it's been years since I'm in high school. I'm on the Wise Guy show. I get stuck with the show. I didn't even know what it was. Yeah. I meet them, and I'm this,

the older, this is 40 or 50 years later. It's still in them. Yeah. It never leaves that jerk off. pride. Look at the way he answered the phone. Babo,

oh! Exactly. Yeah, but he... One of the guys, Chacha died, and I believe, and I remember thinking to myself that,

like, that jerk off Italian pride you have inside, you take it with you. It goes throughout, you can go your entire life. You think he's in heaven right now going, hey,

St. Peter, ha! Like ghost. Like that's their... I'm going to steal these gates that go, uh, it doesn't fascinate you.

That you can act like a child like that? I like, I actually like, I've been around Italians. I worked in an Italian restaurant, a lot of mob guys, a lot of Italian guys. To me, I have an affinity for it because I love them. But yes, I agree with you. There's some of them that take it way too far. This is what I hate. They didn't even know how to speak Italian, but when they order something,

they say it in an Italian, like, give me the pasta jolly. Like, if you, if he, if his answer machine picks up, it goes, is Paul G. from Casolettos. It fucking bothers me so much. That's like the people. Casoletos. Italian, Spanish newscasters that drop in the super Spanish way to pronounce their last name. Yeah, yeah.

But I think the word we're all looking for is taxing. Yeah, they're taxing. They can be taxing. I find them very fun and interesting characters, but they can be taxing. Yes, I agree with you. Taxing is the word. Yeah, they're a little over the top and a little, they believe in the, they watch too many movies.

Yes, they all think they're fucking connected. Yeah, they're all, they're all, they're like, they're like black people. I was never a made guy, but you know. But they watch Goodfellas, so they're connected. Yeah, they're connected though. Yeah. It's like black people, they're all cousins. Can I tell you?

That's a weird thing too, right? Lou, black me up. I remember. Yep, absolutely. Yeah, that's my cousin. No, it's not. I get it, but it's not. Exactly.

You're right. Yeah. I remembered, by the way, one of my favorite wise guy moments. Yeah. I have to sing it goes, dun dun, dun, dun, dun, what the hell happened this week?

Dun, dun, dun, dun, what the hell happened this week? Dun, dun, dun, dun. Now, you may be asking yourself right now, what is he talking about. That was a segment on the show called What the Hell Happened this week. I was going to get, you should let us guess what the segment was called.

Well, I beat you to it. I should have. And what they did was, they covered current events. That was the current events thing. I'll put my visible shield up. I don't think he knows that we're doing like a comedy show. Sometimes. I was trying to say that.

He's saying twice. Yeah. What the hell's going on this week? It's what the hell happened. What the hell is going on this week? He sang it twice. Can he hear through this? I don't think so.

Okay. But he said that and then he goes, and the segment was called, What the hell happened this week? Yeah. And I said, do you should let his guest the title? You're right. Because he just sang it. Yeah, he just sang it.

And I was assuming. Yeah. It would have been funnier if he went for himself. He would be like, now, this is a segment called Whose Dog Is This? That would have been funny because it's not what the hell happened this week. Yeah, it would have been funny. It's a theme song. Yeah.

It's what to happen this week, but that's not the title of the segment. Hold your hand up. He can hear it. Fuck. What the fuck. Oh my God, did he see my face the whole time? No, he just for a second. Cock sucker.

Okay, all right, bring it down. Hey. Hey, what's up, dude? Hey. Well, it was the current events thing. Like when they were doing dumb with their dumb Italian talk. Oh, of course, yeah. They would, what the current events was that they were.

My don't in the dog shit, eh? Okay, one of the ones I will never forget this is one, they start that segment to go, so what the hell happened? The jingle would play, and then they would go, so what the hell happened this week? And then they would tackle the biggest world events. You know what you went,

and they would solve it with their Italian philosophy? Yeah. You know what you do with these fucking terrorists? I'll tell you what you do. You take him in the back of the shed and but a bing you put two in the back of their brain. Oh! You fucking shitheads.

That's how they solved everything with Italian. Hey, what's that? For a second. With Italianness. They figured out a couple. They figured a couple of things, though. Let's do agree right now. This show here, this show could really benefit

from some sausage and peppers on the table. Ooh, yeah. Have we had a nice spread? We had a nice spread. We'd be our energy would be up. We'd have to eat that shit food next door. from the you know who's.

We're over at a fucking deli eating yeah. Yeah. Mugo Guy Gaka. Yeah. Bobby's over there fucking looking

for his next victim slash person he saves. This fucking Obama. Oh. Oh, this is it. Oh. Hey. Hey.

Mawana. It sounds like an exercise in speech he's taking. A brown boy bought a bag of barbara to the body of high school. He has a pie in his mouth. Yeah.

An entire. pizza pie his mouth. I understand, but it's folded so he could talk. Chah Cha had a, what's the word I'm looking for? Whenever he heard, he had a Pavlovian reaction to the word Obama. Oh, really? What was it? What was that mean? I can't really say the word. If you say Obama, oh. Why? Because of the amount of times I hit the dump button because he had this reaction to the word Obama. Okay. I do. Hang on, let's guess. Let's guess. Let's guess. Let's guess. Guess. Out loud.

He went over and pushed a button with his nose and chicken came out. Because the Pavlov, the dog was, Bobby, you can't get you over here again, was visible shields? Yeah, what's up, buddy? Pavlov's experiment. Because it was the dog. They did the thing, and then he would go over and push the button. I thought was great.

And the food would come out. Food would come out because it was, yeah. So when he says Pavlov, he in response. You thought that it would be funny. It would be funny if Pavlov. He heard Obama, he would just, like a Manchurian candidate, just get up from whatever he's doing. and go push a button.

That would make chicken come out. Instead, then I threw in, like, that was for the black thing. And it was low hanging fruit for sure. I saw a black loo over the shoulder, give a little like, you get it done better. Yeah, he could have time to think. I was moving quick.

You're doing good. We work on the fly. We work on the fly. It's all live. We're live. Everything's live. We can't make mistakes. He doesn't get that.

I don't think he gets it. I don't think. Okay. Hey, what's up? How you doing? Hey, bud. Hey, bud. Hey, dude.

Hey, chief. Okay. I'm back. He said, I'm back. He's back. Wow, do you listen? I'm back. I'm back.

Fucking terrorists. Oh. Obama, that fucking... Gablobian. Pavlovian. Fucking show. Yeah. Anyway, he just never leaves...

He's going to do the same thing in 10 years and we're done doing this. What was first? Throne men. What was first? Foxhole or that? That was first. Foxhole got... It came afterward.

So what was work? Foxhole or that? No, fuck. Depends. If he did Foxhole first, he would have really enjoyed that Goodfellas show more. Yeah.

You both did it. Foxhole? No, Goodfellas. The wise guy. I did it one time. Yeah, I did it one time. And they kept going, this guy's talking,

I was joking around going, what the fuck kind of, you know, what the fuck you guys busting my balls? They go, what are you doing? Joe Pesci? You think that's fun? They got offended

that they thought I was doing Joe. They were like, that's a friend of. I'm like, oh, fuck yourself. Vincent Pastori's face looks like a drawing of a hamburger. He does. He does like a bajoule. Like, it's like everything's like a layer.

It's like a layer of lips and then a layer of nose and four. Like everything just lays across it. Yeah. Jay, let me have a look of you. Hey, let me tell you something. Hey, you get my cookbook. I left it for you on the table. I signed.

I'm not going to hand it to you directly because I don't do that. You have a mu young rub in your daughter. They had a jingle open for every segment. Hey, let me do it. Let me do you go. You got a more yarn up in here. What you're saying? All of them I can barely talk

Because their fucking own fat necks are squeezing their fucking voice boxes. It's like, That's what I would do. You know, you gotta go on. You ain't you can't business. His wife makes a carbonyar. I don't even be. I need more cream in my food.

Hey, Jacob, where's the Newarky? You want to have a norky for it. I don't know what I mean you said I mean yonkey? The I'm money. Just when I thought Boston can get any better, then you're cream and this bowl. This tank over here keeps eating the salad. We get the yonk and we get the son and some.

I don't trust the guy who's doing this poor. Jake, what are you? Funuk, you eat. You sit with your fungi, you break bread. Hey, he's worse than that. He's one of those, you know, those straddle spinners, you know what I'm saying? Oh, Christ, all right. With the flat bread and the thing?

He doesn't believe it's a lot. I like my bread. It's got to be able to sob up the goop. Yeah, but good. We got to take a commercial. Bobby Kelly, you know our shit. Punchup by live slash Robert Kelly. Yep.

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